INT. MATERNITY WARD Two men. One paces. Nervous. Trying to relax.

The other sits.

Tired.

Trying to sleep.

NERVOUS I cant take this. Really. I mean, you think the doctor would at least tell us something. Right? At least let us in and see whats going on. A NURSE passes by. NERVOUS Nurse, how is everything going-- ? Its been two minutes since someones told me something. Is my wife doing okay? Shes in Room 117- She just walked right past me. Did you see that? I gotta right to know these things. (to Tired) Isnt this something? TIRED (waking)

Huh?

NERVOUS Isnt this something? You and I having kids. On Christmas. Tired just stares. NERVOUS Yknow. Night Jesus was born? Kinda funny. Yep. TIRED

NERVOUS Makes you think like yknow, what if your kid was the second coming, right? I wonder what would be like? What? TIRED

2.

NERVOUS To raise God? To diaper God. Think Mary ever thought about that? Here her newborn kid was God incarnate, greatest gift to mankind, and shes gotta feed him Gerber baby food. Well, they didnt have Gerbers back then, but-wow, right? I bet it was magic to hold that little kid. I bet everyone who held him up and looked in his eyes was changed... (beat) I bet thats what its like. (beat) Yeah. My kid will turn out to be a doctor or a senator. Or whatever he wants, but I know itll be something. Sure everyone says that but my kid... Nervous goes to the window. newborns. Looks across all of the

NERVOUS Look at all those little guys. Little people in there. Hey. Babies are just... they are Gods gift. TIRED Babies are. Kids arent. NERVOUS You have lot of kids? TIRED I have a squadron. Five kids? Five kids.

NERVOUS Thats a lot.

TIRED Bet your ass it is. NERVOUS Thisll be number six? Uh uh. twins. TIRED My wife. Shes having

3.

NERVOUS Twins?! Thats two Messiahs! are their names? TIRED (shrugs) My wifes got some picked out. Oh. NERVOUS

What

TIRED (doesnt want to ask) What, uh, are you gonna name yours? NERVOUS Well. We know hes a boy-- we peeked, we had to. If he has blue eyes, well name Luke, after my grandfather. But if he has brown eyes like my wife, then well call him David, because-- well, she thinks David is a very stately name. Tired nods. Ready to be done.

NERVOUS But the real trouble were having is the middle name. Do we make it a combination of our parents names, Nicholas or Abraham -- which I think is long winded -- or do we just make something up. I said his middle name should be End of World Hunger just so he knows what hes here to do. Well, then my wife wanted his middle name to be World Peace. (beat) What do you think? Huh? TIRED I like the first one.

NERVOUS Yeah, me too. You wanna cup of coffee? Im gonna go get a cup of coffee. TIRED Maybe you shouldnt drink coffee right now.

4.

NERVOUS Right. Youre right. Gotta pace myself. Man. Youre a pro. Im Dale. Mort. TIRED

NERVOUS Pleasure. Thanks for putting up with me. Its my first time. No. TIRED

NERVOUS Yes. Yes it is. How long have you been married? TIRED Twenty five years. NERVOUS Thats wonderful. Thats great. Thats really something. (beat) So whats the secret? TIRED The secret? Once a week, take a trip to the Champagne Room at the Crazy Horse with a stack of hundred dollar bills. Hm? Ohhh. NERVOUS Really?

TIRED Those women do wonders. Huh. NERVOUS

TIRED Great listeners, those girls. I tell them everything. Like shrinks with blow jobs. Uh. NERVOUS

Tired leans forward, shares the secret.

5.

TIRED I gets old. Youll see. No. Oh, yeah. No. NERVOUS TIRED Youll see.

NERVOUS I dont think-Youll see.

TIRED Everyone does it.

NERVOUS Does your wife know? TIRED She doesnt care. NERVOUS Im sure she does. TIRED Shes a great mother. But she doesnt care. Those girls, though. They always listen. They look at me like Im Santa Claus. (beat) Get yourself a stack of hundreds well go celebrate. NERVOUS I dont have that kind of money. TIRED Stack of twenties then. NERVOUS Im just a manager at Starbucks. TIRED Then itll be my treat. NERVOUS No thank you. A NURSE PASSES BY. NERVOUS Scuse me, nurse? How is everything? My wifes in room 117--

6.

The NURSE comes back. Room 117? Yes. NURSE NERVOUS

NURSE Ill be right back. NERVOUS Is everything okay? NURSE One moment. The nurse goes. TIRED I remember being you. Me? NERVOUS

TIRED Sure. Nervous, mind spinning. brought cigars and everything. NERVOUS I brought cigars.

TIRED Itll be fine. Your wife will be fine. Youll have a beautiful baby boy. Everythings gonna be fine. Trust me. NERVOUS Thank you. (beat) Its just been a long time since shes been in there-Nervous is actually on the verge of tears. TIRED Its been five minutes. Yeah. Relax.

NERVOUS Its Christmas, right?

7.

Right.

TIRED

NERVOUS Night of miracles. TIRED I dont know about that. I do. Well. Nervous sits. NERVOUS I dont know why but... you mind if I say a prayer here? TIRED Sure. Go right ahead. leave you alone. NERVOUS No, its okay. Ill go. Stay. TIRED Ill, uh, NERVOUS I believe that. TIRED

NERVOUS Please.

TIRED Do your thing. Nervous bows his head. A moment of silence. NERVOUS God. Thank you, Father, for blessing my wife and I with a child. Tired looks up, cant believe this guy. NERVOUS Weve been trying for so many years, Lord, and you answered our prayers-- like you always have. (MORE)

8. NERVOUS (cont'd) This is your night, God, you gave us a great gift, Lord, your only son, you gave us a chance for peace and love in a real sense, you showed us grace and mercy with His birth-- and so Lord, the only thing I ask for tonight is your grace and mercy-- for your will-- to bless our child... Well. TIRED That was nice.

NERVOUS That God, you would just take our boy in your arms-- I give him to you as you gave your son to me. Lord, I trust you with everything I have. Nervous puts his hand on Tireds back. eyes, trying to be nice. Tired closes his

NERVOUS And God, I want to pray for this man and his wife as she gives birth to twins-The Nurse comes back. Stops.

NERVOUS Lord, help him with his struggles with strippers and prostitutes-Hey. TIRED I never said prostitutes--

NERVOUS God knows, Mort. Show him that your love is the way to peace, not weekly trips to Crazy Horse. Bless his family, too, Lord. We pray these things in Jesus name, Amen. They open their eyes. them. Jesus. Tired sees the Nurse looking funny at

TIRED Thats embarrassing.

NURSE Mr. Webber?

9.

Yes?

Yes?

NERVOUS Can I see them?

NURSE Yes. But. We wanted you to know something before you go in. NERVOUS Is everything okay? NURSE Your wifes doing great. birth to a boy. She did? NERVOUS Really? She gave

NURSE But just so you know... the baby has Down Syndrome. Were performing a karyotype to get a further diagnosis as to the levels, but were sure from the babys appearance and slow response time that its... NERVOUS Down Syndrome. NURSE Well. Yes. But. Yes. healthy otherwise. Hes very

NERVOUS Thats great! My wifes okay? NURSE Shes doing fine. NERVOUS Jeez, then what are we doing out here? Lets go see my boy! Excited, Nervous rushes off with the Nurse. Tired waits there, wide awake. Fuck. TIRED

After a moment, he stands, rubs his face, and paces.

10.

TIRED God. God its me, Mort. I know I dont do this, and I know I dont even believe in you, but-- could you, could you look after my wife? Could you look after our babies, please? (beat) And dont pull any shit like you did with that guy, Lord-- you dont need to test my faith, because I dont have any. Okay, so lets just have some normal kids. Ill do anything. No more Crazy Horse blowjobs or hookers or-- I just wanted to feel alive again, God. Lately... I havent felt anything. Can you do something about that, too, please? Because Ive been pretty dead lately. Please? Nervous rushes in. NERVOUS Mort! Come look at my boy! Look at my son-- hes beautiful! Nervous happily rushes off. NERVOUS Hes a David Nicholas Webber for sure! Tired slowly follows after.