Raising Daughters by Shaykh 'Alee al-Haddaadee

Source: http://www.subulassalaam.com/articles/article.cfm?article_id=115#.UTs1N9YyZfQ

All praise is due to Allaah and may the Salaat and Salaam be upon His servant and messenger Muhammad, his family and companions. To proceed: Noble reader, each and every one of you is surely going to be resurrected after his death, and questioned and taken into account for his actions in the life of this world. Amongst the issues that a servant would be questioned about, is his family and children, how did he look after and raise them. Concerning this, the Messenger - - said: "A man is a care taker of his household and will be questioned about them. A woman is also a caretaker in her husband's household and will be questioned about that." The topic of upbringing and raising children is an extensive one, so I will limit this essay to raising daughters specifically, due to their great importance and wide ranging effect on society - in manners and behavior. For indeed when a girl grows up, she becomes a wife, a mother, a teacher in addition to other responsibilities that await her in life. If she is rectified, a lot of other affairs would be rectified as a direct result, and if the she is ruined, a lot of affairs would also be consequently ruined. The following concise essay will revolve around the following points: The Virtues of Having Girls and the Falsity of Pre-Islaamic Ways. Being Kind to Daughters Methods and Examples. Choosing a Good Mother. Choosing a Good Name. Providing for their Physical Needs such Food, Clothing and Medicine. Being Generous, kind and Merciful to Them. Being Just Between Them and their Siblings whether they are Boys or Girls. Bringing them up Islamicaly and getting them Accustomed to this while they are Young. Teaching and Preparing them for a Married Life. Being keen on Marrying Them to Men of Good Religion and Character. Visiting them and Enjoining Ties with them after they get Married.

Methods of Protecting them from the Dangers of Present day Society.

The Uprightness and Righteousness of the Parents. Supplicating for Her. Continuously Advising and Directing Her. Directing Her to Choosing a Good Friend. Preserving the Home from the Mediums of Destruction. Carrying Out the Obligations of a Guardian. Maintaining Family Bonds. The Ideological Warfare. The virtues of Having Girls and the Falsity of Pre-Islaamic Discrimination. If we look at the Book of Allaah the Glorified, we find that He strongly rebukes pre-Islaamic ways; that a man is displeased when he is given the glad tidings of a daughter, his face darkens while he is in as state of grief, he feels shy amongst his people so he avoids them out of embarrassment. He contemplates whether he is going to bury her or leave her upon hawn. Allaah strongly criticized them from this practice. There are, however, remnants of these pre-Islaamic ways that still live in the hearts of some men, especially if a man's wife keeps giving birth to girls. Even though a woman is just like the earth in this case, in that it grows whatever the farmer plants in it, with some men, it has reached the point where he would divorce his wife after she gives birth [to a girl] we seek refuge with Allaah from such ignorance and cold heartedness. During the pre-Islaamic era, women had no status at all, a man would bury his daughter and yet raise his dog and feed his farm animals. Allaah falsified this lowly ideology and raised the status of the woman to its natural level, a level that suits her and enables her to carry out her obligations, the rights she has over others and others have over her. He addressed the woman in the same way He addressed the man in obligations and prohibitions, and He specified the woman with some rulings that concern her specifically, rulings which suit her natural state. Having children is something that is predestined, it is in Allaah's Hands, He blesses whom he wills with girls and blesses whom he wills with boys. He blesses others with both boys and girls and tests others with neither. Allaah the Elevated states: {To Allaah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He

wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is All-Knower and is Able to do all things.} [Ash Shooraa: 49-50]

Contemplate over how he mentioned girls first before boys; this is an admonishment to those who belittle the status of women and consider them to be insignificant. So be pleased with whatever Allaah has decreed, for you do not know where goodness lies! How many fathers were contented by the tidings of a boy, who later only became a calamity for him, a cause for the decrease of his wealth and a continuous source of worry and misery for him. And how many a father was discontented by the news of a daughter while anticipating a son, and this girl became not only a helping hand, but a merciful heart and continuous source of support throughout his life. From here we understand that contentment, in reality, is not due to having a boy or a girl, it is only realized if the child is righteous, whether it is male or female. Allaah the Elevated said in describing the servants of al Rahmaan: {And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous. } [Al Furqaan: 74] Being Kind to Daughters Methods and Examples My Muslim brother; if Allah blesses you with daughters, be diligent in carrying out their rights,.This includes raising them, providing for them and properly interacting with them, all the while anticipating the reward from Allaah. Do you know the amount of reward you will receive by doing so? If you do this, you will be together with the Prophet- - in the afterlife, for a Hadeeth it states: "Whoever raises two girls until they mature will be together with me on the Day of Resurrection - and he joined two of his fingers side by side." [Collected by Muslim] He- - also said: "Whoever is tested with something by daughters and is good to them, they would be a protection for him from the fire." [Collected by both Bukhaaree and Muslim] There are many ways of being good to daughters amongst them: Choosing a good mother; This is the first step in being good to your offspring, because a righteous mother is one of the causes of righteous children In Shaa Allaah. How many a child has Allaah preserved due to the righteousness of his or her parents[1].

Choosing a good name; since the name of a child has an effect on him/her. Names have different rulings, amongst them are those that are permitted, recommended, disliked and prohibited. Today, the majority of people look for modern names, paying no attention to their meanings or rulings. How many girls have names with bad meanings? How many girls have foreign names while their parents are Arabs in Arab countries? Providing for their physical needs such as food, clothing and medicine. Being diligent in this affair is from the causes of entering Jannah; an extremely poor woman entered upon 'Aaishah may Allaah be pleased with her with her two children. 'Aa-isha said: "She asked me but I didn't have anything except one date at the time, so I split it between the both of us and gave her one half. She didn't eat any of it, but left with both her daughters." The Messenger - - arrived and I told him about this, he said: "Indeed Allaah has obligated the entrance to Jannah for her, and prohibited the Hellfire from touching her because of that." [Reported by both Bukhaaree and Muslim] Being Generous, kind and Merciful to Them. When Fatimah used to enter upon the Prophet - , he used to say: "Welcome my daughter." One day he went to lead the prayer while carrying his granddaughter Zaynab; while prostrating he would put her down, and while standing he would carry her. It may have been that there was no one to look after her at home at the time so he took her with him. Or it may be that he wanted to legislate this and have people take him as an example may Allaah's Salaat and Salaam be upon him. The Prophet - - was the most merciful of people to children in general, whether they were boys or girls; he would kiss them, rub their heads, supplicate for them, and play with them. There is a great deal of good in this. The older a daughter becomes, the more she would need to feel respected and appreciated. If you provide this for her, she would feel that she is an important member of her family, in her own parent's home, and this would help her greatly in stability and steadfastness. If however, she feels belittled and neglected, that she is not addressed except with orders and prohibitions; only asking her to carry out chores and so on, this would only make her hate her home and family, and Shaytaan may start whispering to her. She would then start looking for care and love in impermissible methods, which would lead her to destruction. Only Allaah knows where she would finally settle. Being Just Between Them and their Siblings whether they are Boys or Girls.

There must be justness between her and the rest of her siblings whether boys of girls. Indeed the feeling of being oppressed, and inclining to others more than her would plant the seeds of hatred towards her parents, as well as animosity towards those amongst her brothers and sisters who have been preferred over her. So fear Allah and be just with between your children. When providing for them, [wealth should be spent] according to need. As for 'Hibah' (the giving of wealth without compensation) then the male receives twice the amount of the female, and if a parent were to give it equally then this is good. Bringing them up Islamicaly and getting them Accustomed to this while they are Young. Raising her in an Islamic manner and familiarizing her with it from an early age; raising her with the etiquette of taking permission, the etiquette of eating and drinking, and the etiquette of clothing. Making her memorize whatever is easy from the Quran and legislated supplications. Teaching her ablution and prayer; ordering her to do so at seven and obligating it upon her at ten. Indeed if she is brought up upon goodness, she would be comfortable with it and love it, and it would be easy for her to abide by it and stay firm upon it. Teaching and Preparing them for a Married Life. Educating and preparing her for what she needs after she moves on to married life; the etiquette of interacting with a husband and carrying out the responsibilities of a home, such as cooking and cleaning and so on. Indeed there are families which neglect this. If a girl moves on to married life, while she isn't proficient at cooking, cleaning or interacting a husband may have little patience, he may have a short temper, problems may arise in a short time and may end up in divorce. Being keen on Marrying Them to Men of Good Religion and Character. Getting her married when she reaches the age of womanhood, and a man of righteousness, trustworthiness and good mannerisms asks for her hand in marriage, while you are pleased with him, indeed this is one of the greatest forms of goodness, because delaying a woman from marriage is from the greatest causes of deviation from the correct path, especially in this time period. Her guardian should facilitate the affairs of marriage, such as dowry and other requirements, all this encourages those who are interested in stepping forward for her, and consequently for her sisters after her. Muslim families must beware of delaying the marriage of a girl with the justification of completing education, or that she is still young and other such unfounded excuses, because this is an affair that would have a negative impact on society with evil consequences. Visiting them and Enjoining Ties with them after they get Married.

Ties should be maintained with her and she should be visited after she gets married, and one should search for what she may need and resolve any problems she may have. Her happiness and distress should be shared with her. The family must beware, especially the mother, from directly being involved in her daughter's life, for excessive involvement in what does not concern her may harm her daughter's marriage. Methods of Protecting them from the Dangers of Present day Society. It should be known to you my Muslim brother that we live in an era where there is a lot of Fitnah, and the paths to evil and misguidance have been facilitated in a manner unprecedented to that of previous eras. This only emphasizes your responsibility, and necessitates that you double your efforts in raising, advising, directing and taking precautions. The steadfastness of the parents and their righteousness. For indeed the righteousness of the parents is a reason that Allah preserves their progeny. As Allah the Elevated stated in the story of Musa and al-Khadir: {So they set out, until they came to the people of a town, they asked its people for food, but they refused to offer them hospitality. And they found therein a wall about to collapse, so alKhidh restored it. [Musa] said, "If you wished, you could have taken for it a payment."} Al-Khadir later explained the reason why he restored the wall without payment: {And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the city, and there was beneath it a treasure for them, and their father was a righteous man. So your Lord intended that they reach maturity and extract their treasure, as a mercy from your Lord.} So Allah preserved these two boys due to the righteousness of their father.[2] Being diligent in the affair of Du'a, for indeed it has a tremendous effect. The prayer of parents and their invocation to Allah for the rectification of their children is a cause and door for goodness. Amongst the beautiful narrations in this affair is that al-Fudayl ibn 'Iyaad the Imaam of the Haram in Makkah at his time said: "O Allah, I keenly try to raise my son 'Alee correctly, but I am unable to do so, so raise him for me." So the boy's state changed and he became from amongst the most righteous people of his time. He died while praying Fajr as the Imaam read: { If you could but see when they are made to stand before the Fire and will say, "Oh, would that we could be returned [to life on earth"} [Siyyar 'Alaam an-Nubalaa: 8/390]

The Messenger - - taught us to seek refuge from Fitan, likewise parents must teach their children Du'a and say what would benefit them of it. When Allah tested Yusuf 'Alayhi as-Salam with the Fitnah of those women, he said: {"My Lord, prison is more to my liking than that to which they invite me. And if You do not avert from me their plan, I might incline toward them and [thus] be of the ignorant." So his Lord responded to him and averted from him their plan. Indeed, He is the Hearing, the Knowing.} Allah mentioned in responding to the Du'a, that He is the Hearing, the Knowing, so that the believer may know that when Allah knows the truthfulness of a person's Du'a, then indeed his Lord is close, responsive. Continuously advising and cautioning her with an appropriate manner, whether directly or indirectly depending on the situation. For indeed hearts become heedless, and they are awoken through advice and reminders; indeed the reminder benefits the believer.

Keeping the mediums of corruption out of the home, for indeed a lot of satellite channels and a lot of internet websites destroy more than they build, and they harm more than they benefit, and they corrupt more than they rectify. How many a noble person was lost because of them, and how many a viewer became tarnished. So safety is by staying away from them, and there is nothing equal to safety. If these mediums are present within the home, then the father should not allow these mediums to be used by his family unrestrictedly; watching whatever they want and visiting websites whenever they please, because by doing so they only harm themselves greatly. Likewise is the case with smart phones, for they are no longer only used for making calls, they are used for much more. The device is now also a voice recorder, a camera, a media player, and it is often used to propagate evil. Being true to the obligation of responsibility, the father's keenness over the well being of his daughter and his continuous care is a cause for her steadfastness. Just as negligence and laxity are a cause for her corruption. So carry out your responsibility like a man. Do not allow your family to go out uncovered, adorned and to mix with non-Mahram men, or to travel without a Mahram. Women usually do this if they see irresponsibility and negligence from the part of their guardians. Be extremely cautious of weakening the bonds of family ties, for a lot of families today complain about weak bonds between family members. Each member is busy with their own affairs. The father is in a valley on his own, the mother is in a valley on her own, and each child is in their own world. There is no doubt that such distance will later cause major problems, starting small but slowly growing with the passing of time, until the time comes when things explode, the family wakes up but only after it is too late.

Do not think my Muslim brother, that the only danger threatening the Muslim woman, is moral deviation resulting in illicit conduct, the use of drugs and other such substances? Rather, she is also threatened by another danger; an ideological danger. She is liable to fall victim to and and be involved with one of the seventy two destructive sects that the Messenger - foretold of. How many women today believe in the way of the Khawaari, which they pass on to their husbands, children and students? How many women hold the creed of the Sufiyyah, and are involved in their gatherings and parties which have no evidence from Allah to back them, and other affairs that contradict the Sunnah. This necessitates that father takes caution and is aware of the sources of knowledge that feed the hearts and minds of his family. I pray to Allah for the guidance and rectification of Muslim men and women, to settle their affairs, as I ask him to grant the young Muslim women success in adhering to their religion, to be steadfast upon the true and correct methodology, and to safeguard them from both the apparent and hidden Fitan of misguidance, and all praise is due to Allah alone. [1] This advice is directed to men, for women it would be choosing a good father for their daughters e.t.c. [2] Refer to Preserving Our Children for more on this topic. http://www.subulassalaam.com/articles/article.cfm?article_id=115#.UTs1N9YyZfQ