Abhineet Kumar

Has Anyone Seen God? Mary said things I didnt like much. Like how I wasnt going to heaven. Why not? I asked, Doesnt God love everyone the same? I know I respect God. True, she explained, but even though God loves everyone who loves and respects him, only Christians get into heaven. Its just the way things work. Its right there in the Bible. Sorry Amit. What a load of hypocritical bullshit. I said, effectively offending Mary enough to end a conversation I no longer cared to have. What I was left wondering however, was where the hell everyone else goes after they die. The Christians and the Muslims say that you have to be of their religion to get into heaven. I never got that. Was heaven supposed to be some sort of totally happening club up there in the sky and you had to know the bouncers to get in? Unfortunately, a kid in high school has other things to take up his time and I had to get to my next class. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I was about to get my answer really soon. You wouldnt believe all the weird things in this word that can kill you. I remember watching this one TV show where this girl got killed by a toilet seat from a broken space station that came into orbit in the wrong place. I remember reading about a vegetarian jogger who was killed when a 5 pound rump roast hit him on the head as it fell from a 7 th story window. It turns out red meat really can kill you. Finally, theres my case. I was just walking home from the grocery store one morning thinking of what Id have for breakfast. I decided to go with the old favorite: Toast. I was deciding on whether to have my toast with butter on jam when lo and behold. What should fall out of the heavens and onto my head, killing me instantly? A toaster. I was the hapless victim of a domestic fight over a burnt breakfast during which the lovely bride had thrown the toaster at her handsome groom. Agile a fellow as he probably was, he ducked in time, and the toaster went out the window. Bye-bye me. The next time I woke up, I was in a bright room surrounded by other Indian people as well as a few of those Hare Krishna white guys. My first thought, so eloquently put into words and spoken aloud, was: Where the fuck am I? Welcome to Hindu Heaven, what section would you prefer? asked a young lady who, by the looks of her, seemed to have been born to be a secretary. Heaven? I asked. Im not dead, am I? Well, sir, if you were alive, you wouldnt be here. Im dead? Seriously? Im like totally-for-real dead? Uh huh she smiled. Wow. Thats.weird. Allow me to explain my reaction. I had been pondering over this day for three years now. A morbid little fascination, but its something that Im sure everyone has spent time wondering about. I just spent a little bit more time than most people. I had made the decision after long

Abhineet Kumar hours of thought that once Id die and I know it was for real, I wouldnt be silly about it. Seeing as this woman and my surroundings looked too serious to be part of an elaborate prank, I decided to believe the lady. I took the news well enough. I had planned on being totally cool with it, but I suppose that when it actually happens, one has to allow a certain leeway. Therefore, I said it was weird and that was the end of that. So, this is heaven? Its Hindu Heaven said the lady. So I got into heaven? You got into Hindu Heaven. Yeah yeah yeah, but Im in heaven? Yes sir, you are. Any reason for that? I mean, I wasnt exactly a saint down there. Everyone comes to heaven when they die. Nobody goes to hell? Oh no. Thats just some crap the Christians invented to scare people into being good. You know, like how your mom had stories about the boogey man to get you to go to sleep? Like that, except on a higher level. It spread like crazy though. People from other religions started to believe in it too, like youve just proven. Ah, I see. So, this is heaven? I mean, no offense, but I gotta say, I expected better. Oh no, this is just the waiting room. I see I lied. When will I be served? Let me see hereyoure the toaster boy arent you? Yes...weve actually been expecting you. Would you like smoking or non-smoking? Non-smoking please. Good choice. Eternal cigarettes can be a real bitch. I suppose you could say that thats hell. Ha-ha. She laughed at her own joke. That struck me as being a little pathetic. Um..yeah. Can I go now? Oh, yes of course, through the door on the left. Be sure to pick up your complimentary pamphlet. she beamed. I walked towards the indicated door, feeling somewhat perplexed. Should I bother with the pamphlet? My short lifes experience had told me that pamphlets usually have information that is completely irrelevant or painfully obvious. Then again, this wasnt life. So, I picked up the pamphlet. Big, smiling brown faces gazed up at me: So Youve Come To Hindu Heaven! I was regretting picking it up already. Still, in the hopes that it might have something useful, I decided to sit down and read it before I walked through the gates of heaven. Welcome to Hindu Heaven. It may please you to know, that by the simple act of being born in a Hindu family, your place in Hindu Heaven (or HH as some like to call it) was guaranteed. In HH, youll find people just like yourself. To understand more about why, lets look at the history of heaven. At first, there was only one heaven, i.e., there were no subsections as there are now. But as humanity spread out into various regions of the globe, divergent ideas about God began to emerge. With the emergence of these ideas (religions), there came the fanatics. This new group believed so fervently in their own God that they segregated themselves from all others who had different ideas about God. Since death is a part of life, they naturally took these intensely discriminatory feelings with them upon entry into heaven. To avoid a war in the

Abhineet Kumar Divine Kingdom, God came up with the idea of separating heaven according to religious beliefs. Thus, you have Hindu Heaven! A safe, happy community where you and others like you may find eternal bliss and peace. To learn more about HH, turn to page 5 It droned on like this, seemingly forever. I was about to throw it away when I saw something of interest. The Common Room, as many like to call it, is in the center of all the different sections of Heaven. There are easy-to-read signs all over Hindu Heaven for anyone who wishes to visit the Common Room. The Common Room is located at such a point that it is accessible to all sections of heaven. Here, there is no real discrimination and anyone who wishes to converse with people from all sections of Heaven may. The Common Room is the oldest part of Heaven, existing before the days of discrimination. This is why its tradition of being a discrimination-free zone is kept alive even today. A common room sounded nice. I had a few Christian and Jewish friends I would have liked to see again. There wasnt much else to read in the pamphlet except for a few ads that caught my attention. Apparently, there really is a McDonalds in Heaven.in the Common Room. Imagine that. With that said, I threw away the pamphlet and walked through the doors. I just want to take a small minute to talk about these doors. Im sure everyone is picturing in their heads what the doors look like. Big, 10-foot tall mahogany doors with elegant designs flawlessly carved into the wood, shiny gold and silver inlays and giant and beautiful doorknobs that pushed down and opened the door effortlessly. Sorry, no such thing. Truth be told, the doors in heaven looked really similar to the doors on any shopping mall fire-exit. Pea soup green paint on the wood and the big bar-like handles that you push down on with some force to get the damn thing to open. Anyway, I opened up the doors and walked through. I was now in Hindu Heaven. If youve never been here, you havent missed much. The door was an omen of things to come. Hindu Heaven was like a big, commercial mall. But, it was huge and there were rooms everywhere. It was like one of those malls that is part of a hotel, or vice versa. The rooms were the living accommodations. If the door was red, it was a room currently occupied. If it was green, you could go in. There wasnt really any system of ownership. You live there. Then you move. Nobody had any possessions anyway. So if you lost your room, it was alright. There were restaurants and arcades and movie theaters and barbershops and so on and so forth. You could get new clothes and any old clothes you didnt want, you could give away to the store. It was fine like that, because nobody was dirty in heaven. If you wanted to go somewhere far, such as the Common Room, there were little taxis. The drivers were rude to you, just like down on Earth. That was a nice touch. It made you less homesick. I took one of these cabs to the Common Room. It was an interesting cab ride. You saw all kinds of people. For the most part, they were Indian, but there were the occasional Hare Krishna white boys. I could see that they werent exactly appreciated up here either. Not that I could sympathize. I used to regularly kick them in the shins and run when I was still alive.

Abhineet Kumar

The Common Room wasnt a room, really. It was like a giant atrium. An atrium of epic proportions. With a McDonalds ostensibly jutting out from one side. It seems like the strangest coincidence, but as I entered, I saw my old friend Jimmy almost immediately. Now, when I say old friend, I mean old. Jimmy was 68 when he died. I was his friend because he was my Chemistry teacher, and he was my mentor. A major influence in my life, somewhat of a father figure. I had known him for 2 years before he died. He was my old friend. Jimmy! Wha? Oh my lord! Amit! Youre here? They got you too huh? They did Those bastards... Theyre okay I guess. Its all life. Not exactly No, not exactly. So how have you been? Did you just get here? Yes indeed. Thats nice. You died at a great time. They make you keep the body you died with. I will always look 68. You will always look 18. Good for you, you young buck! I suppose that is a perk. So, now that the formalities are done with, what goes on around here? Why cant we go to other heavens? Well, nobodys stopping you from trying, but there are border patrols. Theyd give you a heck of a lot of trouble. Damned fanatics as they are. Well, thats.incredibly dumb. Yes, it is. So, whats the deal with the Common Room? I read about it in the pamphlet. That thing is really boring by the way. Not much really. The Common Room is nice. You get to see all sorts of people. But there are some who just spend time debating. Debating what? I had to ask. Why, about God, what else? They want to know what he looks like or sounds like or feels like or talks like. All that sort of mumbo-jumbo. Havent they ever seen him? Who? God! Ohno they havent actually. Nobody has. Nobody bothered to go look. Nobody bothered to go look for God? No. I was somewhat taken aback to tell you the truth. Im a big believer in generalized apathy, but seriously. Youre in Heaven and you never try and see God? It just makes no sense whatsoever. I decided to go look. Hey Jimmy, Im gonna go look for God! Wanna come? Nah. I think Ill get a burger instead. You put burgers over God? Mans gotta eat, ya know.

Abhineet Kumar I couldnt argue with that logic. Honestly speaking, it made sense. Now that I had decided to go see God, I needed to figure out how the hell Id get there. Swallowing all my manly pride, I went up to a man and asked for directions. He was Jewish I think. Otherwise, he had a very festive Yarmulke for no reason at all. Excuse me sir, where might I find God? God is all around you my boy! Oh great I thought Another one of those ultra spirituality bastards. Um.thats great, but would you happen to know where precisely I could find God? No. I tried again. This time I asked a rather attractive young lady. I think she may have been a stripper. Excuse medo you know how to get to God? I think its in the Pamphlet. Lemme check. You see, Im new here. Sure. Thats cool. May I ask what youre doing in the common Room? Im an Atheist. So this is where they put me. Ah, I see. That must be quite interesting for you. Not believing and suddenly coming to Heaven. Its alright.OH! Here we are. God. It says here that God can be found by following the signs marked by the words This Way To God. There are signs like that and nobody went? Thats life. Not exactly Ha-ha! No. I suppose not. So, I had to find the signs. You would not believe what you can miss. It seems as though something has to hit you in the face for you to see it at all. Much like my mother. Id never see her coming until shed whack me on the head for not cleaning my room. I never realized how many signs there were until I started looking for them. They were neon pink for Gods sake (pardon the pun)! How could anyone miss that? I kicked myself and had a good mind to kick everyone around me as well. The signs were freaking 3 feet tall each! And in neon pink! After kicking myself with about as much force as one can kick oneself with, I limped along and followed the bright pink arrows. The trip there can be described in one word: annoying. I walked a near full-circle around the common room trying to find where the signs were pointing to. The signs were always pointing in the same direction, and it took nearly a full circle to find the actual doorway they were supposed to direct me to. I say nearly a full circle because from where I started, the door was only about one foot away if I had traveled counter-clockwise. But the signs pointed me in a clockwise direction, forcing me to traverse through the entire 9-mile circumference of the common room. I could see why nobody had tried to find God up until now. It was too tedious. Why wouldnt you just stay in the common room and enjoy a cup of coffee instead? It made sense. Why did I do it? I guess Im just an idiot. They say curiosity killed the cat.I was already dead. Anyhow, back to the door. It was discrete, and it was also discreet, much like everything else up here. I have to admit that for being heaven, they sure werent pretentious about it. So

Abhineet Kumar much could have been done, but wasnt. It was all very practical. Why make a 20 foot tall door out of mahogany when a regular old 7 foot door made from pinewood will serve the purpose just as well? Still, I must say that I was somewhat disappointed. I mean to say, God should have taken more pride in his work particularly concerning the entrance to his personal abode. But there you have it. The door, led to a gigantic stairway. Actually, it was more like an escalator. With a pointless, little green light emanating from the little gap between each step. At least it was comforting to see that they paid attention to detail. It was also comforting to see that the human depiction all cartoon characters going up to heaven on a stairway to the sky wasnt entirely wrong. At least they had kept some of the clichs up here. Halle-fucking-lujah. The funny thing about this escalator was that ever so often, there would be a sign that you would move past. The same kind of signs as in the Common Room: This way to God in neon pink. That was amusing. Where else could you go anyway? Eventually, of course, the whole thing ended. I found myself at the gates of the house of God. These gates were more impressive. They were Vegas style gates. With big neon lights on top spelling out Gods Crib. I read it and prayed that I was not dealing with some gangsta rapper. Thatd just be a sick joke. Counting all my fears, I knocked on the gates. After a slight delay, a voice asked, Who goes there? Me. Me who? Amit, a dead guy. Why have you come? Well, why the hell not? After a brief but pregnant pause, the gates swung open, and I entered. God is an albino nudist. He has no skin color or features distinguishable to any one particular race. He wears no clothes. I hope youre all very happy. The End