theMARMOT April 1, 2009 the University of Victoria’s Fake Newspaper Vol. 100,000, No. -23 www.marmotnewspaper.

com

Cabbit sightings oUr SMArMY MArMot MASCot SpEAKS

have experts asking, ins

‘What’s up, Doc?’
Casey Cushman
Plenty is hopping in Victoria as
of late. Cryptozoologists from far
and wide are falling upon Mile
Zero like Tallulah Bankhead out-
side the 19th hole. But what is at
the root of all this drunken flail-
ing? Would you believe it purrs
and has whiskers?
“We’ve received reports that are
quite extraordinary,” says Dr. Regi-
nald le Crisp of Brandeis Universi-
ty. “We’ve had many authenticated
ide
around here. Or is it?
“Cabbits have captured the
Western imagination incessantly,”
claims Dr. le Crisp.
The cabbit is thought to be the
result of breeding between cats
and rabbits. While it sounds ter-
ribly cute—a floppy-eared critter
purring affectionately, nibbling
carrots, and batting at balls of
yarn—can such claims as Dr. le
Crisp’s be accurate?
Dr. Mortimer Lonely, an es-
teemed cryptozoologist from
Stanford, expresses some doubts
about le Crisp’s theory of the cab-
bit phenomenon.

“
“Are some tongue-wagging lo-
cal yokels really gonna fleece
us?” asks Lonely. “I read one of le
Crisp’s dissertations and it was
”They probably like smelling somebody else’s fart.
breed at a frightful It’s not like the Bigfoot phenom-
enon, where irrefutable evidence
rate with a sexual has proven his existence beyond
appetite to rival the shadow of a doubt.”
Maybe these two esteemed men
David Duchovny on can agree to disagree, but their
work in the coming days could
poppers and Viagra.” yield potentially historical re-
- Dr. Mortimer lonely, sults.
“There are certainly similarities

”
Stanford University
artist ’s renDerinG
reports of cabbits in this region. A
species we’re eager to classify and
add to the canon.”
A new species of what, exactly?
A cabbit sounds like the lovechild
of Dick Cavett and Lorena Bobbit.
Not exactly the salacious type of
coupling we want to see reared
between cabbit sightings here and
similar sightings said to have tak-
en place in Roswell, New Mexico,”
confirms Lonely. “And while it may
be a little early to predict it, I have
been quietly amassing proof that
there exists an alien civilization
more technologically advanced
than our own by about 20 min-
utes. That’s why every time you
go to take a shower there is never
any hot water left,” he adds, mat-
ter-of-factly.
“We are on the cusp of making a
very big discovery,” enthuses Dr.
le Crisp. And his enthusiasm is
catching on.
According to reports out of Oak
Bay, cabbits are real. Some might
even say sightings of cabbits have
outnumbered the Cadboro Bay
Caddy by a huge margin.
Oak Bay Rotarian and avid stamp
collector Andy Andrews has wit-
nessed animal activity he can’t
Martin Marmot lambastes Wiarton Willie, the Canadian groundhog. “He’s a false idol portrayed as a
family-friendly face, but I know my cousin is an alcoholic pedophile.”
account for.
“I’m not saying this is a cat-rab-
bit, or a Manx, or any such thing
as that, but there is something
getting into my garden,” says An-
drews.
“If you wanna know what I think,
well, I don’t believe in cabbits. And
I bet that cabbits don’t believe in
me, either,” says Andrews.
Just about everyone and their
dog has a cabbit story to tell, in-
cluding the fine folks at Victoria
Animal Control (VAC), who have
been dealing with an increased
number of calls and complaints
in the last month.
“Someone or something has
been busy as of late; our phones
have been ringing off the hook!”
remarks Sally Strally of VAC.
“I saw one in my petunias last
week,” says Oak Bay resident
Gladys Beamer. “I was playing
bridge with the girls and went to
let my cat, Mister Peepers, out in
the yard, and that is when I saw it.
It was very kitty-like, but hopped
about and had a fluffy tail.”
Other witnesses say cabbits
have long tails and floppy ears,
and some reports have mentioned
libidinous activity.
Dr. Lonely remains unconvinced.
prOVided phOtO
“If they do exist like people say,
we should be able to catch one
easy enough. They probably breed
at a frightful rate with a sexual ap-
petite to rival David Duchovny on
poppers and Viagra,” he says.
Beamer also wonders about the
cabbits and the question of their
rapid breeding. “I was saying to
the girls that sex is like playing
bridge; if you don’t have a good
partner, you at least better have a
good hand.”
Beamer may have a point, but
what it has to do with cabbits is
as elusive as the furry little bug-
gers themselves.

Anti-war students being led to dark side, say student groups

Mole Litherington dents wearing old military cloth- has been started to investigate tary brainwashers trying to turn

Students Against War (SAW) has
a long history of fighting to keep
Canadian Armed Forces recruiters
off the UVic campus. But recent
developments have organizers
worried some SAW members have
lost heart in their cause.
An investigation reveals the
amount of students protesting
against the armed forces has gone
down, while there have been an
increasing number of students
wearing badges, camouflage, and
other military paraphernalia.
Lily Offthefield, a SAW orga-
nizer, says she’s concerned about
“
ing; where are they getting it all
from?” says Offthefield. “Is it a
coincidence that our last meeting
had a low turnout, while some of
our old members walked around
in heavy leather boots and cargo
pants?”
Former SAW member Bak Stab-
bier says he likes the durability of
military clothing; he often wears
camo and has paratrooper wings
sewn on to his sleeve right next
to a peace sign.
Refusing to say where he got the
military-themed clothing, Stab-
bier claims he left SAW because
of too much homework.
the activities and relationships of
the students participating in on-
campus activism. Their first target
is SAW.
Dick Taettor, SAH founder,
“all students need warns of possible tactics the mil-
to be observant at itary could be using to lure stu-
dents.
the next clothing “They could be scared of los-
ing their pool of poor students
swap—who’s trying to enlist, so maybe the military
to trade you their recruiters are coming to campus
with hemp pants on and flowers
camo pants?” in their hair to spread seeds of evil
thought,” says Taettor. “All stu-
-Dick Taettor, Students
dents need to be observant at the
against Hypocrisy next clothing swap—who’s trying
all the intellectuals into soldiers
of death.”
Taettor believes vigorous sur-
veillance methods will be neces-
sary to make sure student groups
stay true to their principles.
“We want to know what stu-
dent activists do when they get
home from school, where they
go and hang out, who they hang
out with, and what they do on the
weekends,” says Taettor. “We can
start with the members of SAW,
but it doesn’t end there. Next, we
could make sure members of the
UVic Sustainability Project are
practicing what they preach. We

other students being bribed with
clothing to stop them from pro-
testing.
“I’m worried about all the stu-
”
In order to make sure student to trade you their camo pants? A
groups are staying true to their university campus needs to have
beliefs, a new student group, Stu- freedom of thought and speech,
dents against Hypocrisy (SAH), and that’s not possible with mili-
can check their garbage cans to
see what they throw out and make
sure they recycle and compost.
The possibilities are endless.”
 News The Marmot | April 1, 2009
UVic Viking spirits call for blood
Da Tee Est
Construction of the UVic First
People’s House recently ground
to a halt when Arni Steinvor, an
enigmatic Norwegian immigrant,
rallied the UVic Icelanders Anon-
ymous Club to protest the alleged
cover-up of Viking burial items by
local construction firm Dagnabit
Projects. Ancient rune stones were
allegedly discovered in foreman
Don Blame’s office, leading vari-
ous parties to ask hard questions
about the project.
“I really didn’t mean to be
snoopy, but I couldn’t help but
notice those odd-looking coins
on his desk,” says night security
guard Jump N. Jehosaphat.
Jehosaphat claims when he dis-
covered the coins a closet door
beside him fell open. As he scram-
bled to clean up the mess, he real-
ized he was looking at artifacts of
what appeared to be Viking origin.
He raced out the office to immedi-
ately contact the authorities.
Before being taken into police
custody for questioning, Blame
confessed to taking orders from
upper management to conceal the
Viking artifacts.
“This discovery is going to
change the history books!” ex-
claims Henry Jones, UVic Profes-
sor of Archaeology. “We knew the
Vikings landed in Newfoundland,
Zombie-itis plagues campus
Palin Quiffer
A recent outbreak of a mystery
illness last week on campus has
been quickly contained and is no
longer a concern to the rest of
UVic’s student body, according
to the Vancouver Island Health
Board’s Dr. Frank Sniffleworthy.
“Some students had fallen ill
but were quickly quarantined
and treated,” says Sniffleworthy.
“Although there were some odd
symptoms noted, as reported in
the media, it turned out be a sim-
ple case of . . . agggrh . . . the flu.
Yes, the flu. Nothing to . . . agruggh
. . . worry about.”
But Sniffleworthy’s comments
appear to be a little premature.
Symptoms of the flu-like virus
still appear to be spreading around
campus, with increasing numbers
of UVic students noticeably af-
flicted with symptoms includ-
ing pale skin, delayed reactions,
awkward walking patterns, open
wounds, and a bizarre obsession
with human brains.
“Brains . . . brains . . .” says John
Walburn, second-year psych stu-
dent.
Marmottakah hits Uvic
In celebration of the traditional rodent new year, marmots and other buck-toothed
mammals, including some of the uggers around UVic, are holding various events across
campus.
“
“Rabbit power is unwarranted and unjust! Rise up, my
marmot brethren. Join UVic’s Black Beaver movement and
fight the rabbit political machine.”
but to find a complete collection
of burial artifacts here, on uni-
versity grounds, is a revelation.
Maybe there’s some truth to that
movie Pathfinder.”
Jones refers to a 2007 film, where
a Viking child is left behind in
North America by his clan only to
battle his own kin years later.
“The building will have to be
torn down so we can find out who
is buried under all that cement,”
adds Jones.
“
“It feels like I’m
walking over a grave.”
-Joe Dyke, Dagnabit
”
Projects
To add to the confusion, con-
struction material and tools have
been mysteriously disappearing
from the site, and workers have
reported unexplained cold chills
while working.
“It feels like I’m walking over a
grave,” says Dagnabit contractor
Joe Dyke.
While investigation of the al-
leged cover-up by Dagnabit con-
tinues, various groups in the
“Uhnnnngh . . . agrrr,” agrees Te-
resa Braun, first-year anthropol-
ogy student.
UVic Biology Professor Dr. Les-
ter McRickles remains deeply
concerned about the recent infec-
tions, entertaining some strange
theories as to the illness’ origin.
“Remember that UFO we all saw
the other week? The media said
it was just a weather balloon, but
things have been a little strange
ever since. And what about that
voodoo cult that was arrested for
a series of unexplained incidents
around campus? Not to mention
the reports of the missing corpses
at graveyards all over town. I don’t
want to say there’s a conspiracy
theory afoot, but there’s a number
of things that haven’t been adding
up,” says McRickles.
McRickles suggests the mystery
illness is being spread through
blood or oral transmission by what
he terms “wacky student make-
out rituals.”
“I know what these students
are up to, with their rock and roll
make-out parties and sock-hops.
Well, it seems their out-of-con-
trol lifestyle is catching up to
CIVICS SPIELS
-Marmot X at recent on-campus rally
region are shouting conspiracy.
Design firm Alfie G. Waugh could
not be reached for comment.
“The ‘House’ should not repre-
sent the First Nations at all,” says
Steinvor. “To build on top of a
grave of my ancestor is an insult.”
Steinvor is calling for a re-pur-
pose of the building to honor
the Norwegian people, while the
Beckett Trust is remaining neutral
until results are revealed.
Meanwhile, the UVic First Na-
tions Club has responded with a
series of rallies, and the campus
administration is trapped in a
boiling pot of increased tensions
between First Nations and Viking
cultures.
So far, the only point the two
groups can agree upon is the site
is a very scary place to be in the
dark of night. And nobody has
been able to explain a strange mist
often seen seeping out from the
wooden structure. Casey Cushman graphic
According to First Nations Club
representative Boned Feather, the
site is home to a concentration
of unsettled negative energies. “I
Gnomolites look so
smoke my peace pipe and hear
spirits screaming for blood,” he
says.
cute in their pointy
Giles Millstone, head of an an-
thropological team from New York little hats, ahem,
sorry—Funding denial!
University, is expected to make an
announcement after Easter Break
about the building’s fate.
Jenna Talia
Nine student members of the
human corruption.”
Other Gnomolite student mem-
bers don’t understand why fund-
ing has been denied and believe
Gnomolites club are upset after
them. What they often refer to as
being denied funding from the they should be treated like any
‘love bites’ seems to be the means
UVic Student Society of Students other group on campus.
of transmission. So, by all means,
(UVSSS). The board of directors in “The board welcomes the Gno-
boys and girls, if you want to be
charge of financing student groups molites’ presence on campus,”
healthy just stay away from Make-
voted at a recent meeting to deny explains Opher. “But we cannot
out Point, Make-out Hill, Make-
the Gnomolites funding. justify funding a group with no
out Bay, Make-out Street, and
“There isn’t a lot of potential clear goal other than stealing lawn
Make-out Lane!”
student value from a group like ornaments.”
McRickles adds these students
this; the board will not subsidize Board member Adam Phool says
have taken youthful exuberance
it,” says UVSSS board member Ei- that although the UVSSS will not
to a new level.
leen Opher.
“These crazy students are walk-
“
The board funds groups such
ing around with hickeys the likes
as the Mime Club, the Math-O-
of which I have never before ob-
Holics, the Society of Explo-
served! They have gaping wounds
sive Engineers, and many others.
in their necks, arms, and shoul-
Members of the Gnomolites be-
”How would a
ders! This type of sexual aggres-
sion can only be related to what I
lieve they should receive student Christian feel if I had
funding like other serious student
assume to be the consumption of
groups on campus. a lawn ornament
marihuana cigarettes, part of the
“This is an outrage,” exclaims
city’s encroaching drug problem.”
Gnomolite member Cara-Winkle
of Jesus Christ on
But UVic Campus Security Of-
ficer Dave Broadfellow dismisses
Jones. “It shows discrimination a cross poking out
against a religious student group
McRickles’ concerns.
who will allow anyone from cam- from behind my
“Just a harmless flu, it’ll be gone
pus to join.” petunias!?”
soon . . . aghhhrr. . . . No sense in
The Gnomolites’ religion states
hiding from it. Exposure is the
that every person is guided by -Dee Fender, member,
best way to deal with the disease.
their own spirit gnome. Each Gnomolites student group
Hey, why don’t you come here, you
member of the group receives
”
have a nice, big skull . . . I bet you
a magical name chosen by their
have a nice, tasty brain . . . mmm .
gnome.
. . brains . . .”
Their main philosophy states
human beings and creatures of the
magical realm need to live side by
side to guide each other through fund the group, they aren’t trying
to interfere with the group’s free-
life. With this religion also comes
advocacy. Gnomolites feel com- dom of expression.
mon lawn gnomes objectify sacred “They are free to form their own
religious and artistic statues and group on campus, regardless of
should be removed from gardens. how insane their ideals may be,
“How would a Christian feel if but they will not be seeing any
I had a lawn ornament of Jesus student group funding,” says
Christ on a cross poking out from Phool.
behind my petunias!?” says club The Gnomolites will be holding
member Dee Fender. an awareness rally for their stu-
The Gnomolites hope to create dent group in front of the UVic
citywide awareness for their cause SUB building on April 1.
“We hope that students will
and will extend membership to
any living creature that wishes to come and support our cause,” ex-
join their group. plains Jones, “and if they do the
”
“We are being stifled,” explains creatures of the spiritual world
Jones. “The board denied us fund- will remember those who helped
ing to try to stop us from educat- them. They will also remember
ing this city and saving it from those who didn’t.”

Patchouli in the water
Pixie Bunnyfield
Dreadlocks. Organic hemp bhik-
khu pants. They’re spreading like
wildfire. And discussions about
the cosmic uniting energies of the
universe and karmic soul exchang-
es are flying out of the mouths of
unsuspecting UVic students all
over campus.
Acute cases of “West Coast
Bullshititis” or “Hippie Syndrome”
are spreading from the best-lit
corners of the McPherson Library
to the darkest underbelly of the
seediest dorm.
“These are much more than your
average cases of people becoming
more liberal after a move to the
west,” says Dr. John Oppressor,
the physician leading the inquiry
on the disease. “This is far, far
worse; students who once lit up
the engines of their SUVs are now
lighting up incense and marijuana
cigarettes.”
The effects of this debilitating
disease are easy to see all over
campus. Dropout rates are at their
highest since 1969. The green ar-
eas of campus are littered with
students talking to trees, dropping
LSD, and kidnapping the UVic rab-
bits to be kept as spirit animals.
“The source of this madness is
an infusion of patchouli oil into
the drinking water,” explains Dr.
Joanne Watermark of the Earth,
Ocean, and Atmospheric Sciences
faculty. “It appears that the afflict-
ed students have been ingesting
seven to eight times the recom-
mended daily patchouli intake.”
Patchouli has long been known
as the signature smell of hippies
worldwide. The oil is tradition-
ally rubbed into unwashed hair or
pulse points on unwashed bodies
to counteract the adverse affects
of the hippie hygiene schedule (or
lack thereof).
“I used to have a life,” sobs Car-
manah Moss, who had her name
changed from Ashley Bratt, a com-
mon side effect of West Coast
Bullshititis.
Speaking from her bed at the
Hippie Help Emergency Rehab
Centre, Moss quickly grows emo-
tional, describing her battle with
the disease. “I had a job, I was
inches away from a commerce de-
gree . . . inches! It was never sup-
posed to be this way!”
Moss moved to Victoria from
Calgary in 2005 and, until recent-
ly, her interests included money,
shopping, and her Ford Escalade.
“It happened slowly,” she ex-
plains. “At first, I felt the need to
shed off my material possessions,
then my hair started getting knot-
This week in Marmot history
Oct. 6, 2004—UVic student Nic
Dandle is convicted of unnecessary
cruelty to animals after drunkenly
attempting to punch the face off a
rabbit. Dandle does not receive a
criminal record
because rabbits
are little hand-
biting assholes.
Dandle’s pledge
to b e co m e a
lawyer when he
grows up also
Stories from the plays a factor in
Marmot archives the court’s rul-
ing. In response
to the case, a lo-
cal animal rights group, quoting
a 1960s joke book, says, “Lawyers
suck!”
tier and knottier; no matter how
hard I washed, I couldn’t get them
out!”
Moss is now a far cry from her
well-groomed Calgarian self, with
bits of sticks and grass stuck in
her dreadlocked hair, a stainless
“
”Students who
once lit up the
engines of their
SUVs are now
lighting up incense
and marijuana
cigarettes.”
-Dr. John Oppressor,
”
head physician
steel bottle of amethyst water at
the ready, and a henna tattoo out-
lining her heart chakra “to remind
me of my soul power,” she catches
herself saying, reacting as though
the words are coming from some-
one else.
Nov. 25, 2006—In an attempt to
re-create a classic physical comedy
routine, a campus humour histo-
rian launches an arrow through the
ears of a UVic bunny. Local media
continues to perpetuate clas-
sic rabbit stereotypes by saying,
“Those fucking hops should stick
to magic.” The Marmot is blamed
for “encouraging UVic students
and staff to undermine the comic
legacy of Steve Martin and other
geniuses of physical comedy.” The
attack comes after The Marmot
prints a story on Nic Dandle and
his drunken attempt at using a
rabbit to re-enact a Three Stooges
routine. An attempt to fire back at
critics with a hilarious movie refer-
ence goes wrong when The Marmot
Casey Cushman graphic
Moss is just one of thousands of
innocent students claimed daily
by this ruthless disease.
Dr. Oppressor advises students
who begin to experience symp-
toms of West Coast Bullshititis
to take a series of crucial steps
against the disease until they can
be seen by a qualified medical pro-
fessional.
“Exercise your right to consume,”
says Oppressor. “Buy anything and
buy lots of it. Rampant consum-
erism has been shown to combat
mild forms of West Coast Bullshi-
titis.”
In addition, Oppressor advises
students to follow a strict diet
regimen.
“Chain smoke Marlboros and
drink Crantinis,” he suggests.
“Having been accustomed to a
diet of LSD, marijuana, and tofu,
the West Coast Bullshititis virus
will take these new additions as a
shock to the system.”
Finally, Oppressor has these sug-
gestions in order to defeat West
Coast Bullshititis.
“Put down your copy of A New
Earth and throw out that Grate-
ful Dead CD that has appeared
in your collection,” he says. “And
don’t forget to pray to the gods
of money, oil, and Steven Harper;
faith in the right wing might be
your only chance.”
releases a statement calling local
media “a bunch of Roxannes.”
March 19, 2008—Controversy
stirs over the printing of a rabbit
recipe in the UVic environmen-
talist rag The Incense. The Marmot
considers avoiding coverage of
the backlash, but then discovers
the rabbit was female. The paper
subsequently runs a feature expos-
ing the shocking rise in cases of
violence against, and exploitation
of, non-human females on cam-
pus. The article leads to all milk
products being banned at UVic,
and a vow from the outdoors club
to eliminate the use of deet and
citronella candles from all future
campouts.
-JF Kennedy III
The Marmot | April 1, 2009
Douchebag gets
Nobel Prize
nomination
Clamato Casanova
It should have been a moment of
extreme pride and joy for the fam-
ily of David “Scooter” Worthing-
thorn and the University of Vic-
toria. After all, it’s not every day
that an undergrad is nominated for
a Nobel Prize. But allegations of
wrongdoing have at least one fac-
ulty advisor taking the esteemed
selection committee to task.
“If they are serious about giving
Worthingthorn such a prize, then
they should rename it,” says an
infuriated Dr. Thurston Tremolo,
Dean of Busyness at the Univer-
sity of Victoria.
They should call it a Knob-el
Prize, because this guy is a total
tool,” continues Dr. Tremolo. “Se-
riously, how the fuck did a student
who rewrote the book on academic
probation con his douchey little
way to a Nobel Prize nomina-
tion?”
The whole ruckus began ear-
lier this month when the Nobel
selection committee recognized
Worthingthorn’s research paper
on the effects of globalization on
guys who wear wife-beaters during
the winter, entitled “Dude, Greed
Is Sweet.”
Worthingthorn could become
the next recipient of the most
prestigious award outside of the
Latin Grammy for Best Folk Song
by a Puto. If he wins, Worthingth-
orn will receive a cash prize of $1
million US. His name would join
the ranks of such everyday fa-
mous economists as Finn E. Kyd-
land, Reinhard Selten, and Trygve
Haavelmo.
Even Worthingthorn’s peers
were taken aback by the commit-
tee’s nomination of a classmate
generally thought to be an under-
achiever.
“When I first met him, I just as-
sumed he was born with Fetal Al-
cohol Syndrome,” says Clarabelle
Clitterhouse, an honours student
her whole life who finds the Nobel
situation distasteful.
“Honest to Christ, it’s a fuck-
ing sham. I am ever-so-pissed!”
screeches Clitterhouse behind a
veil of tears.
What began as a ripple of con-
troversy on the normally placid
campus has morphed into a tsu-
nami of disbelief both here and in
Sweden, home of the Nobel Prize.
The committee is under pressure
to reveal how someone such as
Worthingthorn could possibly be
named a possible recipient of such
a prestigious honour.
NEWS SPEWS
YAY!
On the annual
UVic Marmot
Day, our rodent
lord, Varmit the
Vancouver Island
Marmot, sat and
rotated on a ver-
tical pole outside
the Clearihue Building. Eventu-
ally he chose his unholy marmot
bride and predicted four more
long years of self-important stu-
dent journalism.
News 
Last Monday, Dr. Feng Shui, main
egghead and leader of the Nobel
Pack, addressed the media in a re-
vealing press conference.
W h e n p ress e d to a d d ress
Worthingthorn’s credentials, Dr.
Shui admitted the committee did
not vet this year’s candidates as
tightly as usual.
“Last year one of my colleagues,
Dr. Hans Von FritzenHausen
brought a Wii to one of our meet-
ings,” said the red-faced Shui. “The
truth is, we got so involved in Wi-
iFit that, well, we dropped the ball
. . . academically speaking.”
“
“Seriously,
how the fuck did
a student who
rewrote the book on
academic probation
con his douchey
little way to a Nobel
Prize nomination?”
-Dr. Tremolo, UVic Dean of
”
Busyness
Worthingthorn admits his paper
was written in a brownie-induced
spurt of boredom. “I have some
mad baking skills, yo. My brown-
ies really get my brain a-firing
with creation, if you know what I
mean.”
“Yeah, so I submitted my paper
as a joke,” says a defiant Worthing-
thorn. “My friends and I do this
sort of shit all of the time. Usu-
ally we apply for those jobs in the
back pages of The Economist, you
know, Resource Manager in Azer-
baijan, writing resumes based on
our experiences’ working in gas
stations and Subways. It’s a gas.
That’s how we roll here at UVic.”
As the committee is pressured to
rethink and/or revoke the contro-
versial nomination, Worthingth-
orn, a reformed pacifist, is refus-
ing to relent and says he will take
his fight to the Supreme Court,
and even beyond.
“I don’t care what anyone but
those Swiss dudes think. And if
anyone tries to keep me from my
prize, I’ll junk them like a red-
headed stepchild.”
NAY!
Rabbits and mar-
mots spilled out
of Felicity’s this
weekend in an in-
ter-rodent brawl
after growls turned
into bites. Outside,
mayhem erupted in
to some old-fash-
ioned ultra-violence as bottles,
cutlery, and a WW2-era carbine
were all used as weapons. One
marmot died on the rocks and an
unlucky rabbit lost a paw.
-Burger King
4 Feature The Marmot | April 1, 009

one foot in,

Story by Burger King
Illustrations by Casey Cushman

Onychocryptosis is commonly thought of as an affliction to be de-

stroyed and forgotten as soon as possible. That is, it’s an affliction to
most people.
To some, it’s a badge. A badge of pain, a badge of pride, a badge of
unflinching will to defy societal norms and go their own way, no matter
how much pus drains out of their big toe.
We are, of course, discussing the phenomena commonly known as an
“ingrown toenail,” a situation that occurs when toes are kept damp and
cramped and the toenail decides to grow into the skin. At least, that’s
what Wikipedia says.
The condition is considered a painful inconvenience to most of those
who suffer from it. As such, they work quickly against it, taking action
to return their toes to their original condition.
There may be a new cure though. It doesn’t require medicine, needles,
or surgery, just an open mind and a shifting perception of how people
view their “little pigs.”

EMBraCING YoUr INNEr toE

A new student group at UVic is moving to change how we think of
this podiatrist payday. The Forever Understanding Nails Grow Initiative
(FUNGI) is making the slash and burn methods a thing of the past. And
they’re gaining traction throughout campus, especially in the hippie-
infested corners. The group offers support and even encouragement for
people with ingrown toenails as well as fans of the toe disfigurement.
The group’s spokesperson, Scott Herbert Ovens, Esquire, suggests
people think twice before rushing to hack off the infringing flesh. The
group is against any attempt to deal with the foot-based issue.
“WE’RE HERE BECAUSE WE BELIEVE THERE IS A PLACE IN THE
WORLD FOR PEOPLE WITH INGROWN TOENAILS!!!” screams Ovens.
“Sorry, my phone has a shitty connection; I think I need a new wire.”
Ovens continues, explaining how the ingrown toe nail is a natural way
to live.
“We give wet socks and cellophane to all our new recruits,” says Ovens.
(And then the bastard wouldn’t stop talking. That’s all activists ever do,
talk, talk, talk. Sometimes they protest. Wave your signs a bit more, you
yappy pricks, you never actually get anything done! Go have another
march, jackass . . . erm, sorry ‘bout that.)

toES to thE GrIND

FUNGI have begun work with current fans of the toe issue. “We’ve
already got four participants for our upcoming drive. They’ll be pitted
against each other to raise the largest army of bacteria in their big toes
over a two-week period,” says Ovens.
The event will start off with a pancake breakfast and foot soak, after
which the competitors will do their best to get their toenail stuck in
the fleshy edge of the top of their toe. UVic Vikes soccer player Joey
Annatolli is the favourite to win.
“Yeah, I’m pretty pumped for this. It’s going to be a great time raising
awareness for a great physical feature,” says Annatolli. “I’m a big fan,
since I have a pretty big foot fetish. It’s changed over time and I try to
get my girlfriend on board for toe stuff. I just love it when she gets me
off with her feet and uses her toe pus as lube. It’s just awesome man,
just awesome.”
Annatolli has been having some issue on the field though, with an
immense amount of pain every time he touches his balls.
“Yeah, coach got me a bag of my own balls. I sometimes get pus and
blood all over them balls, so the other players won’t use ’em,” says An-
 Volume 19 Issue 15
April 1, 2009

CC TW
ss ee
be

el n P
eC
Ti ge
on s
learning in sTyle green Frenzy

a
Pu 6—
ll
The Camosun libraries at both BC filmmaker goes head-to-head

ou
campuses will undergo major with the logging industry giants
Camosun’s Student Voice

T
overhauls starting next year. in new documentary film.

7
Since 1990 neWs—3 arTs—7

Considering the cutting-edge of comics

shane sCoTT-Travis to be able to play a part in making
COntriButing Writer them.”
Out of the scarred and barren His love for comics is shared
earth of the Dust Bowl of 1930s by millions of enthusiasts, and the
America came a unique and decid- potentialities of the medium are
edly different type of art form—the wondrous.
comic book. Depression-born and According to Guerra, “You can’t
distinctly American (though later change things for the better without
Britain and Japan would muscle imagining them first.”
in on the scene), comic books have
often been regarded as absurd escap-
ism, but they’ve been a part of our Comic book
social strata for close to a century. confidential
Many attest that comic books maybe comic books can’t change the
(often now referred to as graphic entire world, but they can at least
novels) are socially relevant arti- change your world! for proof, look no
facts. There’s a vibrant culture built further than the books on this list. a
around them, and a fan base growing word of caution—reading these books
stronger all the time. will forever alter perceptions of the
de- “Well, the great artwork has medium. you’ve been warned!
to Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by
Alison Bechdel
of “With underground set in a funeral home, this sexy, gothic
memoir is funny, sad, and unforget-
ter
comics there are no table.
an
nd
censors; it is just the Louis Riel by Chester Brown
this biography of riel and the métis
at’s artist directly relating rebellion should be taught in our
public schools. a tour de force from
ose
to the audience, Brown—not to be missed.
on which doesn’t happen Criminal by Ed Brubaker and Sean
Phillips
es,
in too many a compendium of crime clichés that
ple mediums.” somehow transcends the genre.
Transmetropolitan by Warren Ellis
gareTh gaudin and Darick Robertson
LOCaL COmiC CreatOr
ellis and robertson are the Vladimir and
of estragon of the post-cyberpunk milieu.
ive if you don’t know what that means, you
nd always had its appeal,” says Mike will soon enough.
ie- Rooth, a comic book illustrator cur- Love and Rockets by Gilbert and
for rently working for Rubicon Publish- Jaime Hernandez
t. ing. Based out of Oakville, Ontario, maggie, hopie, and the other denizens
sts Rooth creates graphic novels and of palomar inhabit one of the most
The mini-comics for the educational realized comic book cosmologies ever
market. He’s been collecting comics conceived.
HE since he was 10 years old. Super-F*ckers by James Kolchaka
ns. Gareth Gaudin at his local shop, Legends Comics (top); artwork by Mike Rooth (left) and Gareth Gaudin (right).
“I guess I’m a big kid at heart, these crass, crime-fighting crusaders
” because I still love comics, but more in what makes comics so appealing Y: The Last Man, will soon be making Rooth feels a sense of childlike are sadistically singular and a devilish
way so these days for the great storytell- to fans and creators, but comics the leap to the silver screen, but while glee about the recent glut of comic delight.
ing,” says Rooth. have also moved with the times and movies can be an exciting medium, book film adaptations hitting the Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
ns. Pia Guerra, co-creator of DC become far-reaching. she doesn’t feel it’s an absolute box office. this memoir brought satrapi worldwide
do, “I love what you can do with the improvement over the comic book “Personally, I think this is a
Comics’ award-winning series Y: acclaim for good reason. her history les-
ou medium,” says Guerra. “Storytelling experience. great time to be alive!” roars Rooth.
The Last Man, has also held a fas- son, recently made into a film, is shatter-
her ing and uplifting in equal measure.
cination with comics since her early is all about creating a reality; if that “Comics work in a very different “We’ve been battered by a tsunami
childhood. created reality can help visualize a system from movies,” says Guerra. of comic book movies for nearly a Promethea by Alan Moore and JH
“I’ve been reading them since better actual reality, then it can help “Film is great, but even with all the decade now, and it’s great to see.” Williams III
’ve I was 10,” enthuses Guerra. “My change preset attitudes, misconcep- special effects in the world there are The recent blockbuster Watch- your typical metaphysical psychedelic
cousin left an issue of X-Men at our tions, and ignorance.” still limits to what you can do; limits men has many sharing in Rooth’s superhero book that knocks down the
ted
house and I was hooked.” Gaudin agrees, particularly that comics don’t have.” justifiable joy. “Watchmen is in the fourth wall so completely you have to
oes ask, was it ever really there?
Local comic book scribe and when considering comics outside The recent rush of Hollywood collective unconscious,” says Gau-
illustrator Gareth Gaudin has been of the mainstream. “With under- films based off of popular comics din. “I can’t wait to see it in IMAX; All Star Superman by Grant Morrison
ter
subverting the masses with his ground comics there are no censors,” is a trend no one in the industry can Dr. Manhattan’s 15-foot blue penis . and Frank Quitely
in
Magic Teeth Dailies since 1993. Gau- says Gaudin. “It is just the artist ignore. “I don’t mind them myself,” . . no wonder it’s restricted!” mainstream comics will probably never
oey
directly relating to the audience, says Guerra. “Some are very well Grins and guffaws aside, the be as subversive, superlative, or as well
din also began collecting comics as a
drawn as this award-winning mindfuck.
ng youngster. “I bought my first comic which doesn’t happen in too many done, some not, but in the end it ability of comic books to entertain, and, yes, it’s superman.
an, in October 1978; it was Godzilla #17 mediums.” brings people to the book and that’s educate, and subvert aren’t just
The Invisibles by Grant Morrison
to by Herb Farm.” Rooth feels comics can draw a good thing for comics.” avant-garde. They possess a unique
morrison cares about comics so much,
me Gaudin speaks with great rever- strength from their appeal to a gen- Gaudin, who also owns Legends, communicative character, blending
he’ll dissect them and elevate them to a
an, ence of the sensory experience of eral audience. one of Victoria’s finest comic book words with pictures in ways unable form of art so pure nothing can touch it.
comic books. “[Comics] can cover limitless shops, notes these movies benefit to be expressed in any other art it doesn’t get better than this.
an “I love covers; they are the most topics and appeal to pretty well comic book sales. “When a movie form. And that alone makes them Maus by Art Spiegelman
important part of the book,” says every social group, so there’s a little comes out like Batman or Spider- a valuable commodity worthy of this World War ii fable has the nazis as
nd Gaudin. “I also like the old pulp something for everyone,” reflects Man there has never been a spike in celebration and praise.
An- cats, the jews as mice, and truly show-
paper they used to use. I love the Rooth. “The thrust of my work, for sales like you’d expect; but with Hell- “I honestly don’t know who or cases what only comic books can. it won
smell of them; they give me such a example, tackles the very real and boy or Sin City—the ones nobody where I’d be if I didn’t have comics a much-deserved pulitzer prize.
great feeling.” pressing problem of illiteracy.” knows about—they sell through in my life,” says Rooth in earnest.
Nostalgia certainly plays a part Guerra’s biggest success to date, the roof!” “I feel very privileged and fulfilled

REGULAR ISSUE OF NEXUS PULLOUT

 VIEWS April 1, 2009

Eeny, meeny, miney, vote

Editorial
Nexus
Tessa Cogman it’s how important it is to get out
Staff Writer there and vote. You can’t complain
Ah, yes, student if you don’t vote, right?
e l e c t i o n s . Fa n c y Let’s look at it this way; if Nexus
Next publication: April 8, 2009 posters and catchy readership goes down, it’s our fault
Deadline: noon April 1, 2009 slogans. Powerful debates and for not distributing an interesting
the promise of soda pop drinking newspaper that students want to
Address: 3100 Foul Bay Rd., Victoria, BC, fountains. pick up.
V8P 5J2
The Camosun College Student If not enough students are vot-
Location: Lansdowne Richmond House 201
Society (CCSS) elections are com- ing in the student elections, it’s the
Phone: 250-370-3591
ing up again on campus, but don’t CCSS’ fault for not finding more
Email: nexus@nexusnewspaper.com hold your breath in anticipation for creative ways to get those ballots
Website: www.nexusnewspaper.com a passionate election process. Just filled. X marks the spot, but not a
Publisher: Nexus Publishing Society expect a vibrant looking voting bal- lot of students see that one voting
lot with 10 exciting positions, some table at each campus.
NEXUS PUBLISHING SOCIETY of which only have one nominee, Either more tables need to be
STUDENT BOARD MEMBERS and a wacky box to throw it in. set up or the CCSS needs to stop
Kyla Ferns being so terrestrial and start an
Kelly Marion online voting system instead. This
Andrea Moir If not enough students would allow students to vote from
Jason Motz home or from on-campus computer
Chris Pal are voting in the labs and read the nominee profiles
Graphic: Adrian Binakaj
Miriam Putters student elections, it’s whenever they like.
MANAGING EDITOR Some may argue that even if
Jason Schreurs the CCSS’ fault for not votes were more accessible and If there had been more than a 10 and vote for someone and don’t
LAYOUT EDITOR finding more creative candidates more creative, students percent turnout that year, we might let an important referendum slip
Laila Brown just don’t care enough to vote. A be saving the little money we have through your fingers. This year’s
STUDENT EDITOR
ways to get those lot of students are only here for a left from all the other student fees. referendum proposes a slight in-
Tessa Cogman ballots filled. few years and then they skip off to What’s worse is our children crease in the athletics and recrea-
Copy EDITOR university. Why should students are more likely to see this Student tions student fees.
Alan Piffer care when they won’t be here long Union Building before we ever do. Read up on the reasons for the
EDITORIAL ASSISTANT
With only 422 votes from Lans- enough to notice who represents I guess we can be happy with fixing referendum and the candidates’
Kait Cavers downe and Interurban combined them? up Camosun for future Camosunit- platform statements in the centre
last fall (roughly a five percent In April of 2006 a referendum es. A VIP pass would be nice when spread of this issue.
STAFF WRITERS
Guy Alaimo
turnout), the majority of Camosun was passed to allow the charge of it’s built though. And maybe suggest to the
Brendan Kergin
students are clearly not getting in- $14 per student, per semester for a It could be awhile before we see Camosun students running for
Jason Motz volved in the election process. Student Union Building fund. 506 any changes to the CCSS election election that they could use just a
Some may even feel guilty about people voted in favour of the fund process, just because it might be a little more pizzazz to get their name
StAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Courtney Clarke
it. If we’ve been lectured anything, and 313 said no. lot of work. But, still, get out there known on campus.
ADVERTISING SALES
Breanna Carey
Jimmy Nguyen
Get some sun, dammit! I personally take 10,000 IU during the dark seasons and less in summer.
Letters

Jason Schreurs Liquid drops are available with each drop equaling 1,000 IU.
250‑370-3593
In her Giving It Up column in the Mar. 18 issue, Kelly
Marion compares her sun phobia to a vampire. Lamentably, Marion would be wise to eschew her anti-sun arsenal if she cares about
Campus Plus NATIONAL her immune system, bones, and, yes, even skin health.
1-800-265-5372 there are some unfunny errors in the serious parts of her piece
which Marion and students should be aware of. If anyone wants more info I would recommend Holicks’s book or www.
DISTRIBUTION
Her idea is to completely give up sunlight “before [she] vitamindcouncil.com
Adrian Binakaj
fries [her] way to skin cancer.” This is a gross oversimplifica- Pablo Miramontes
Ashley Moore
tion. She is right that melanoma rates are on the increase, but not due to Camosun student
CONTRIBUTORS:
Guy Alaimo normal sun exposure.
Adrian Binakaj Dermatologist and researcher Michael Holick states that “it’s more What is the Canadian cultural mosaic?
Michael Brar dangerous to avoid sun exposure completely than it is to get regular, The Canadian cultural mosaic surely exists and is growing in this
Cristian Cano moderate sun exposure.” In fact, according to published research, mod- society. Since International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimina-
Breanna Carey erate sun exposure prevents numerous types of cancer, not to mention tion was on March 21, I want to emphasize the importance of Canadian
Kait Cavers osteoporosis. diversity.
Michelle Chowns The healthiest approach, according to the latest research, seems to I have experienced and witnessed the “Cultural mosaic” over the past
Courtney Clarke be don’t sunburn, get enough antioxidants (particularly lutein and beta two years as an international student from Japan studying at Camosun
Tessa Cogman carotene) in your diet, and ensure adequate vitamin D intake whether College in Community, Family, and Child Studies.
Maelina de Grasse through sensible sun exposure or supplements. The sense of multiculturalism is the character of the country that I
Michael Duncan Only 20 minutes in the summer sun produces 10,000 IU in the skin.
Donald Kennedy
value and respect the most, and I see it as the strongest characteristic of
Unfortunately, our nanny government has limited vitamin D in supple- Canada.
Keltie Larter ments to 1,000 IU, while latest research suggests several thousand IUs
Kelly Marion Keiichi Otani
are necessary during winter. Camosun Student
Jason Motz
Alan Piffer
Miriam Putters
Sarah Rankin
Shane Scott-Travis What’s the best April Fool’s joke you’ve ever played?
Ed Sum
Joel Witherington
By Keltie L arter

The views and opinions expressed herein

are those of the authors, not of the Nexus
Publishing Society. One copy of Nexus is
available per issue, per person. Nexus is
printed on a mixture of 100 and 40 percent recycled
paper. Please recycle your copy. Thanks!
Editorial meetings
Come out to our weekly Nexus editorial meetings,
where all Camosun students can get involved in
their student newspaper. Meetings take place
every Tuesday at 11:30 am in the Nexus office,
Richmond House 201, Lansdowne. Call 370-3591 Chardonee Easterly Shannon Craig Jack Logan Renee Kennedy Tom Martinson
or e-mail nexus@nexusnewspaper.com for more
information. “I put a rubber band on “I put Saran Wrap on the “While I was teaching my “My friend was sleeping “I pretended to be young.”
Send a letter
the kitchen sink’s spray toilet seat when I was 12 little brother how to shave, over when I was younger.
Nexus prints letters that are 250 words or less attachment and when and when my brother peed I shaved off half of his left In the morning we went to
in response to previous stories. Nexus reserves someone went to use the it splashed up onto him.” eyebrow!” open the door, but my mom
the right to refuse publication of letters. Letters sink they would get a lovely had boarded it all up! We
must include full name and student number (not
printed). Nexus accepts all letters by e-mail to shower and enjoy a laugh!” could open the door, but
nexus@nexusnewspaper.com we couldn’t get out.”
nexus@nexusnewspaper.com neWs 3
CCSS hopes for Libraries to get major renos
more voters in sarah ranKin
COntriButing Writer

upcoming election
Jason moTz
COntriButing Writer
Well, it’s that time of year
again—the annual run of the apa-
thetic bulls, commonly known as
the Camosun student elections, are
underway. If history is an indicator,
there will be no Obama-sized turn-
out at the polls. Still, the Camosun
College Student Society (CCSS)
expects a significant turnout.
“Voter turnout is typically be-
tween five and 10 percent of mem-
bership,” says Michel Turcotte,
CCSS Director of Operations.
“Given that this is a contested elec-
tion in a few key positions I would
think that we should get at least 800
[students] voting.”
The CCSS Board of Directors
believes by splitting the levy two
ways, students can receive greater
athletic and recreation services and,
more importantly, better financial
accountability.
“The referendum is an important
issue for the board that we believe
will benefit both the college ath-
letics teams and the students that
make use of recreation at Camosun,”
says Turcotte. “The split is being
proposed to provide clarity and
accountability as our auditor exam-
ined the current levy closely during
our last audit.”
As for the student board pos-
itions, 10 are available, most of
which carry a one-year term. These
positions include External Execu-
tive, Finance Executive, Lansdowne
Executive, Interurban Executive,
Students stuck looking for a
quiet spot to delve into their stud-
ies will be familiar with Camosun
College’s libraries and their retro
charm. But with over 37,000 vis-
its per month to the Lansdowne
library and 13,500 visits per month
at Interurban, the extended use of
the buildings has taken its toll.
“Our libraries are aging,” says
Chief Librarian Sybil Harrison,
“and more students than ever are
needing access to on-campus li-
brary resources.”
This year, Camosun is renovat-
ing its Lansdowne and Interurban
campus libraries as a part of its Vi-
sion 2020 project. Right now, the
libraries have minimal study and
phOtO: COurtney CLarke
lounge space, limited computer
The number of computer stations at both libraries will be increased.
access, and a lack of new books
and research materials. fundraising campaign is already New library digs
The new designs were made bringing in capital. Once the new Camosun Learning Commons
to address these concerns. Once “The Foundation is initially aim- are completed, students will have access to
completed, the Camosun Learning ing the campaign at our Camosun the following:

“Voter turnout is
typically between five
and 10 percent of
membership.”
miChel TurCoTTe
CamOsun COLLege student
sOCiety
For that prediction to pan out,
there would have to be a doubling
of last fall’s turnout, when a scant
422 voters cast their ballots. And to
put that number into perspective,
only 207 Camosun students voted
in the Fall of 2007.
According to current CCSS
External Executive Christopher
Gillespie, there are many reasons
why students may refrain from
Women’s Director, Pride Director,
and Students with Disabilities
Director.
The three other positions up for
grabs, all of which carry six-month
terms, include First Nations Direc-
tor, Interurban Campus Director,
and Saanich Campus Director.
The three contested positions
are External Executive, Womyn’s
Director, and First Nations Direc-
tor, while the rest are uncontested
and will need to be voted in by
acclamation.
If these positions aren’t excit-
ing enough to make you forsake
studying for finals, there’s also the
matter of the Camosun College by-
elections. What’s at stake here are
a total of six seats, including one
Board of Governor and two Educa-
tion Council seats per campus.
One of the candidates for the
Commons will be born.
The project will have three
phases; the first being an overhaul
of the Lansdowne library’s first
floor, starting this October and fin-
ishing in Spring 2010. Then, work
will commence on Lansdowne’s
second floor next summer, while
Interurban’s library will also see
renovations in 2010.
The total cost of the revitaliza-
tion will be approximately $4 mil-
lion. Funding for the project will
come from college capital dollars
and fundraising campaigns; the
college has also submitted a pro-
posal to the Federal Government for
possible infrastructure funding.
Launched earlier this year by
the Camosun College Foundation,
the “Love Your Learning Library”
family—faculty and staff, retired
employees, and alumni members,”
says Susan Haddon, executive
director of the Camosun College
Foundation. “Our total campaign
goal is $500,000 and proceeds
from this portion are starting to
come in now.”
Until the awaited Learning
Commons is finished, all library
services will still be accessible
during renovations with little
disruption.
“While the first floor of Lans-
downe is being renovated, most
services will be relocated upstairs
and the library classroom will be
converted into a computer lab,”
says Harrison. “We are exploring
all options to make sure disruptions
to students are minimized.”
Lansdowne Campus library
• 35-seat electronic classroom
• 48 computer stations
• four dVd/media viewing stations
• 25-seat presentation/seminar class-
room
• 75-seat study/lounge area
• two self-checkout stations
• seven group study/project rooms
• Writing/Learning skills Centre
• teaching/Learning Centre
• audio-visual centre
• Commons café
Interurban Campus library
• increased electronic and hard copy
holdings
• 32-seat electronic classroom
• 31 computer stations
• 28-seat quiet study room
• five group study rooms
• 52-seat group study/lounge
• One self-checkout station
• it/audio-visual support area
• increased electronic and hard copy
holdings

Interested in how Nexus is run

voting.
“One can never paint the en-
tire student population with a big
brush,” says Gillespie. “It is very
possible that some students are
apathetic, while others are unaware
of the issues.”
Among the bigger issues this
election is the referendum on a
student athletics/recreation levy.
Voters will be asked if they’re in
favour of splitting the current ath-
letics/recreation levy, a monthly
fee of $5.78 per month, into two
separate monthly levies. They will
also be asked to authorize a 30
percent increase per levy, effective
Sept. 1. Referendums can only be
passed by a majority vote.
Board of Governors is longtime
CCSS staff member Turcotte, who
isn’t running as a staffer but as a
part-time student in the Advance
Human Resources Diploma Pro-
gram. Turcotte is going up against
behind the scenes?
incumbent Interurban board mem-
ber Matthew Martin. Come on down to our AGM
The campaign period is in effect
until Monday, April 6. Those who ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING OF THE NEXUS
choose to hit the polls will be able PUBLISHING SOCIETY
to rock the vote on April 7, 8, and 9
from 8 am until 7 pm. Winners will Thursday, April 16 @ 4 pm
be announced on Friday, April 10. Young Building 316, Lansdowne
For a full list of candidates and
their platform statements, as well as
voting locations at both campuses, Agenda
see the CCSS election insert in I CALL TO ORDER
this issue. 1.) Ratification of meeting chairperson
II INTRODUCTION TO RULES OF ORDER
III APPROVAL OF AGENDA

GRAB A NEXUS IV
V
APPROVAL OF MINUTES FROM PREVIOUS AGM
REPORTS
Copies of nexus are located 1.) President’s Report
on the outskirts of campus 2.) Financial Report
VI ADOPTION OF FINANCIAL STATEMENT
in our handy blue boxes. 1.) Adoption of 2008-2009 financial statement
find us near the richmond 2.) Adoption of 2009-2010 proposed budget
and foul Bay bus stops at VIII RESIGNATION OF CURRENT BOARD OF DIRECTORS
Lansdowne, and near the IX BOARD OF DIRECTORS ELECTIONS
bus shelter at interurban. X ADJOURNMENT

no more boring Please bring valid Camosun College student ID in

bus rides! order to vote at this meeting.

250.370.3591 250.370.3591
nexus@nexusnewspaper.com nexus@nexusnewspaper.com
www.nexusnewspaper.com www.nexusnewspaper.com
Richmond House 201, Lansdowne Richmond House 201, Lansdowne
 CAMPUS
College Safety to the rescue
Miriam Putters
Contributing Writer
A group of distressed students
are gathered around a Camosun
College locker, alarmed by the
constant meows from what sounds
like a suffocating cat trapped in-
side. Panic ensues; the immediate
attempts of locating the locker’s
owner fail.
It’s up to Pervez Ditta, Manager
of College Safety at Camosun, and
his staff to force open the locker and
rescue the endangered cat.
After several suspenseful sec-
onds, Ditta rescues the cat—a cell
phone with a cat ring tone.
Although the situation was eas-
ily resolved with words of advice
and a new lock courtesy of College
Safety, Ditta recounts this as one
of his more interesting stories in
the five years he has worked for
Camosun.
But Ditta’s official title carries
significantly more responsibility
to Camosun College students than
rescuing trapped cell phones.
Ditta advises and trains col-
lege staff and students in personal
safety and security. He regularly
participates in orientations for
Non-Violence Crisis Intervention
and Rape Aggression Defense
Training for women.
He also works closely with
Camosun students to resolve
breaches of the college’s code of
conduct policy.
“I ensure that any interactions
with student or staff hold dear to
the college’s mission statement,
and we are student-centered and
focused,” says Ditta.
Before coming to Camosun,
Ditta had a variety of interesting
Camosun student wins co-op award
Guy Alaimo
Staff Writer
The Association for Cooperative
Education of British Columbia/
Yukon has awarded a Camosun
student with the provincial “Co-
op Student of the Year” award
for 2008.
Jen LeMercier, a third-year
environmental technology student,
was recognized for her achievement
on March 26 during a small cere-
mony at Lansdowne Campus.
“I’m very flattered!” says LeMer-
cier from her new job as a graphic
designer with Rocketday Arts, a
design company in Victoria. “Co-
op jobs are very valuable, but also

Photo: Courtney Clarke
“If I can’t resolve the
issue I will work with
you to ensure it is
resolved.”
Pervez Ditta
Camosun College
careers, spending nine years with
New Scotland Yard, and working
as a detective for the Metropolitan
Police specializing in anti-terror-
ism, major crime, and internal
investigations.
He also spent time working
for Imperial Chemical Indus-
tries as a research scientist spe-
cializing in photon correlation
spectroscopy, high performance
liquid chromatography, and gas
chromatography.
Ditta took over from previous
Safety Manager Brian Kitching
in August, and was previously
Kitching’s assistant. Ditta takes
his new position, and Camosun’s
competitive. It’s especially difficult
to compete with your classmates,
but I guess it prepares us for the
real world.”
LeMercier spent her summer
work term as a Wildland Fire
Science Technician with the BC
Ministry of Forests and Range’s
protection program.
“I worked in the office conduct-
ing research on fire behavior and
then I got to work in the field collect-
ing data to help predict how much
fuel would burn,” says LeMercier.
“I would especially like to thank Jean
Sheffield from the co-op depart-
ment, because she helped me with
my application process and setting
*
 '

Supporting more affordable and
accessible post-secondary education
carole.james.mla@leg.bc.ca
250-952-4211
www.opposition.bc.ca
students, very seriously.
“I’m hoping all the hard work
that has been done in building
professional relationships to date
with the Camosun College Student
Services has increased the aware-
ness of College Safety and how we
can better serve the college com-
munity,” says Ditta.
One of Ditta’s most important
duties is to enforce the student code
of conduct policy and the Criminal
Code of Canada on campus. He
also works to diminish risks to all
of the college community, address-
ing personal safety issues on and
off-campus.
Ditta says his department takes
a proactive approach in identify-
ing any security issues early on,
working to address the needs of
the people involved in a specific
situation while simultaneously
reducing the impact on the student
body at large.
College Safety holds an open
door policy to any students with
safety concerns, he says.
“If I can’t resolve the issue I
will work with you to ensure it is
resolved,” promises Ditta. “Col-
lege Safety relies on students to
be the extra ears and eyes in miti-
gating risk to all of us. If you see
any suspicious behavior, please
let an instructor know or call our
24-hour emergency line. If you
think it’s important, it’s going to
be important for me.”
College Safety is located in
Dawson 200, Lansdowne or the
Physical Resources Building (be-
hind the Jack White Building) at
Interurban. Call 250–370–3041
or 250–370–3057 for the 24-hour
line.
up interviews last spring, and she
was very helpful with all my co-op
questions.”
The winner of the provincial
award is based on the student’s
achievement during the work term,
academics, and on contributions
to co-operative education and the
community.
“Co-op is a great opportunity to
get experience and figure out your
interests,” says LeMercier.
The award win for LeMercier
marks the second consecutive year
that a Camosun student has taken
top prize. Applied Communication
Program student Kevin Ginley won
the award last year.
MLA Victoria-Beacon Hill
April 1, 2009
NEWS BRIEFS
by Kait Cavers
They’re heeeeere
Student leaders from across Canada, along with over 150 members
of parliament, senators, and government officials, are gathering in
Ottawa this week to discuss the government’s role in ensuring the
highest standards of quality for Canadian post-secondary institutions.
Although I’m sure my tangible and realistic suggestion of free tuition
will be overlooked (again), they’ll be discussing the need to elimin-
ate the 10 and 15 percent price premiums for the Book Importation
Regulations, the need for a balanced copyright regime, and the pro-
motion of a student financial aid system that increases accessibility.
Whatever, guys—just make college free, or I’ll have to keep getting all
my pre-med biology tips from that guy at the bus stop that smells like
burning hair.
To high school students with love
Camosun Business Students are encouraging local high school
students to get off their butts and test the skills they’ve learned in their
business classes. The daylong event, happening April 3 at Camosun’s
Interurban Campus, will also provide a taste of college life for students
that choose to study business at Camosun after graduation. The
contest runs as a computer simulation via the web, taking students
through six fiscal quarters of managing their own corporation. Last
year, the winning teams took home $500 tuition credit for Camosun
and a smooth and simulated $20 million, which they promptly blew on
imaginary import cars. That’s not how I learned business, but I guess
that’s why my BC-brand coconut stand filed for bankruptcy.
Sweet dealio
BC Transit has joined Victoria’s Scrap-It Program and has agreed to
let Victoria residents trade in their 1995 or older vehicle in exchange for
up to two years of free rides on the bus. The Scrap-It program provides
owners incentives to scrap their car or light-duty truck in exchange for
transit passes, bicycles, car-share incentives, or a new vehicle discount
in an attempt to decrease greenhouse gas emissions. Sounds like a
perfect excuse to finally pitch that Pinto, or play a hilarious joke on an
unsuspecting friend with an old car.
Surf on turf
Have you always wanted to splash in the water with real live surfers
but are convinced your limbs will become shark food? Here’s a chance
to mingle with the pros while avoiding the Mike Tysons of the Sea.
Sugar will play host to Rip Curl Canada on April 10 when they promote
the ST3W, the largest surf competition in Canada. The night will include
a wetsuit raffle with all proceeds going to the SurfRider Foundation, as
well as awesome live music from artist Daniel Wesley, Shane Phillip,
Vince Vicarro, and DJ Nigel. If you’re looking for some tasty waves and
a cool buzz, Sugar is your destination. Also, it’s my understanding that
all people who surf are automatically babes.
Drinking for a good cause
What? You mean drinking isn’t always beneficial? Weird, that’s not
what my Uncle Bob taught me when I was eight. On April 5 at Mo:Le
and April 25 at The Bistro at Merridale Cider you can wine and dine
to your heart’s content and all of the proceeds from your meal will
go directly to help save Madrona Farm. Madrona is a 27-acre mixed
vegetable farm located on Blenkinsop Road in Saanich and is consid-
ered to be a very important agricultural and ecological treasure in the
Blenkinsop Valley. The farm produces a diversity of 105 vegetables 12
months a year and is a critical source of locally grown food. So if you
like wine, food, veggies, and/or good deeds, then put down that box of
Hamburger Helper and treat yourself to a delicious dinner out on the
town!
Cash in on action
If you’re sitting here reading the Nexus, wondering how you can
help raise awareness about the critical situation the environment is
currently in, and the human actions that influence climate change, then
your search for answers could end with this paragraph. According to
green2cool.org, what you eat affects the environment more than the
car you drive, and eating meat contributes more to global warming
than total worldwide transportation combined. Thus, the theme for this
year’s award is Eco Eating. The competition has a first prize of about
$2,500 that will be awarded to the student that invites the most friends
to the Green2Cool.org social networking website. The contest is open
to all post-secondary students and runs until June 30. For more info, go
to www.green2cool.org
If someone around you became seriously ill or
injured, would you know what to do?
FIRST AID & CPR Training
Standard First Aid with CPR “C" & AED,
CPR”C” Renewal, WCB OFA Level 1, 2, 3
Group Rates Available
GUARDIAN
EMERGENCY (250) 642-1911
TRAINING WWW.bcfirstaid.com
are you ready the voters list.
get on it!
to speak up?

Why:
Voting is your chance to speak up about issues that affect
your life. It takes just a few minutes to have a say in your
future and your province.

Where:
You can register and vote in either the riding where you
reside while going to school, or in the riding you usually live
in when you’re not at school. It’s up to you.

Who: did you

You can register to vote if you’re 18 years of age or older,
know?
or will be 18 on General Voting Day (May 12, 2009), you’re a that in the
2005 Provincial
Canadian citizen, and a resident of B.C. for the past six months.
Election only
If you’re from another province but have resided in B.C. for at
least six months and consider B.C. to be your home, you’re eligible
35%
of 18-24 year olds
to register and vote in the May provincial election.
voted? This year,
have your say.
How:
Registration is easy! Visit www.elections.bc.ca or call toll-free
1-800-661-8683 before April 21, 2009. If you aren’t registered
by the deadline, you can still register when you vote.
Just remember to bring identification.

You must prove your identity and B.C. residential address to

receive a ballot or register at the time of voting. Any one of the
following IDs is acceptable: • B.C. Driver’s Licence
B.C. Identification card • Certificate of Indian Status.
For other ID options, go to www.elections.bc.ca.

When:
Advance voting:
8 a.m. to 8 p.m. (local time), Wednesday May 6 to Saturday May 9.

General voting:
8 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Pacific time), Tuesday May 12, 2009.

Other options:
If you’re going to be out of your riding or
the province during the May provincial election, you have
other voting options. Contact us to find out more.

A non-partisan Office of the Legislature

1-800-661-8683 elections.bc.ca
check us out on facebook

Creation Date: Document Name: Live:

03/18/09 EBC 002239 10x16 0.0˝

Revision Date: Client: Trim:

 SPORTS April 1, 2009

Women’s Chargers finish seventh at nationals

Guy Alaimo
Staff Writer
It wasn’t going to be easy, but
the Camosun Chargers women’s
basketball team thought they’d
finish better during last week’s
national championships in Sainte-
Foy, Quebec.
The BC champion Chargers
finished seventh in the country
and second to last in the tourna-
ment. The team went out on a posi-
tive note though, defeating the St.
Thomas University Tommies a day
after being eliminated from medal
contention.
The Chargers lost to the host
and defending champion Sainte-Foy
Dynamiques, 79–57, on March 19,
ending their run for a national gold
medal. Sainte-Foy would eventually
go on to win the bronze medal by
shooting down Sheridan College.
The Chargers’ bid for a bronze
medal was ended a day later by
Lethbridge College. The Lethbridge
Zodiaks ousted the Chargers by a
score of 69–63 and would later go on
LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD!
to win the national championships
by beating Dawson College, 59–55.
Dawson took the silver medal.
During their final game against
the Tommies, the Chargers were
down early by 11 points before
coming back with a 10–5 run to
be behind 35–29 at the half. But
in the third quarter the Chargers
took control as they did all season,
outscoring the Tommies 20–9 to
take a 49–44 lead.
After that, it was all Camosun
as they would outscore St. Thomas
24–3 to close out the game and go on
to win 73–47. Charger player of the
game honors went to second-year
post Teresa Hartick.
Overall, the Chargers are happy
having reached the national tour-
nament for the first time in club
Chargers coach Brett Westcott calls a timeout during Camosun’s game against the St. Thomas University.
history and are looking forward to
next season.
Still, it will be tough for them
to improve on this year, finishing
17–1, first place in the BCCAA
PISE sport and exercise programs
standings, and winning gold at
the provincials. expanding for Camosun
Michael Brar nine PhDs and two doctoral can- Bachelor of Athletics and Exercise
Contributing Writer didates, CSEE is a strong program Therapy, will be joined this fall by
For all the time and effort it from the top down. Everyone on another degree program, Bachelor
took Camosun College and the the roster is a seasoned veteran of of Sport and Fitness Leadership.
Pacific Institute for Sports Excel- the fitness industry, each coming With five distinct choices for
lence (PISE) to collaborate on a to the program with a slightly dif- prospective students, students
world class training facility and ferent background. interested in pursuing a career in
sports education program, their Students in the programs of- health and wellness should find
collective dedication is now bear- fered at the CSEE can expect to a program option that works for
ing fruit in the form of top-notch be taught by those who know the them.
graduates. industry very well, which goes a The emphasis in CSEE’s in-
“We spent the last three years long way in helping them enter struction is participation. Hands-
working together, dreaming, in- the field themselves. on learning is a critical part of the
spiring each other, and planning CSEE offers program options curriculum, so students can expect
the new programming,” says Dr. for a wide range of career interests. to spend plenty of quality time in
Peter Rehor, director of Camosun’s The two diploma programs cur- the instructional gym at PISE.

Election
Centre for Sport and Exercise
Education (CSEE). “The building
is merely a reflection of those ideas
and plans.”
Boasting a faculty including
rently offered, Exercise and Well-
ness and Sport Management, will
be joined later this year by a third,
Sport Performance.
The four-year degree program,
“The connection between fit-
ness and health is well established,”
says Rehor, “and it’s not only a
healthy society, but I think it’s a
more satisfied society.”

For Student Society

Representation on
Board of Governors
Change is good.
Vote for your favourite
candidate on
April 7, 8, and 9, 2009 If you’re a Biz Admin student, see
8 am – 7 pm your Program Leader for details.
Fisher Foyer – Lansdowne
Campus Centre Second Now.Yes, now.
Floor – Interurban

Your vote DOES count!

Ready for your next step?

Take it at Camosun.
camosun.ca/bizadmin
2009 7th 8th & 9th
On April

Make YOUR Choice

Voting stations open from 9 a.m. - 7 p.m.

Interurban Campus Centre 2nd floor Lansdowne in the Fisher Foyer

Christopher Gillespie
External Executive
The position of External Affairs Executive requires time and commitment to diplomatic relations with College staff and Governors,
local politicians, larger government organizations, and the community as a whole. With two years of experience with the Camosun
College Student Society (CCSS) and one of those years as your External Affairs Executive, I am the best person for this position.
With me as the External, the CCSS has:
• Created stronger ties with the College, built on mutual respect and cooperation
• Began the process of creating a permanent liaison with the Camosun Community Association
• Assisted the college in securing further government funding, through meetings with local politicians, so that Camosun wouldn’t
have to run a 2.4 million dollar deficit
• Participated in the hiring of a new Manager and Assistant Manager of College Safety, ensuring that they have the qualities
needed for the Camosun community.
• Raised awareness of Student Debt with the March 30th Zombie Walk: Day of the Living Debt
If you want to see the CCSS continue to become an even stronger voice for you and all of the other students at Camosun, vote
Gillespie on April 7, 8, 9. Gillespie – Proven Leadership, Proven Results

Matteus Clement
External Executive
My goal is to develop communication and collaboration between Camosun’s student body, administration and Student Society.
Over the last four years I traveled throughout Southeast Asia, Japan and Australia, and am now working towards a degree in
Applied Communication. Through my travels and various management positions I have come to understand the importance of
effective communication and administration, as well as the necessity of open-mindedness, determination and a forward-thinking
attitude as a way to affect meaningful change. I want to focus on three central issues:

• Lobby for healthier and more diverse food options in The Caf.
• Organize monthly cultural parties, showcasing food, music & movies from the diverse groups that attend Camosun.
• Create a video based website informing students of the services available to them-- from clubs and events to student
awards and peer helping.

I want to involve students in what is important to them. I know what it takes to initiate change and create awareness, and the
motivation to follow through with the ideas and interests of the student body. Through the position of External Executive I know
that I can better our own education, as well as those who follow us.

Matthew Martin
Finance Executive
I am excited about the opportunity to further serve the students of Camosun as Finance Executive.
Education & Experience:
• 2nd year accounting student
• 2 ½ years experience serving students in a variety of positions including
• Interurban Executive
• Student Reprentative on Education Council
• Students With Disabilities Director
• Interurban Director
What I bring to the position:
• Passion to provide students with the highest quality of education
• Energy to actively raise student issues
• Desire to ensure that the interests of students are addressed
I have been highly active in student government in my 2 ½ years here at Camosun. I have been involved in many areas from
education standards, policies, and financial statements behind the scenes to the frontline running of events for students. This
experience has allowed me to directly and indirectly improve the education experiences of ALL students. I look forward to
continuing my service to students in these new and exciting positions.
Vote Matthew Martin for Finance Executive on April 7th, 8th, and 9th.

Matthew de Groot
Interurban Executive

OK fellow students, we’re almost done this treacherous year and ready to face the summer. In a lot of ways I feel that Interurban has
been long neglected as far as events are concerned. I plan to hold more inclusive, fun filled events in the coming year and to help provide
a social environment to aid in your networking and social interactions. To continue the legacy that the Student Society has worked on, I
would also like to present you with issues that are facing students in a non-partisan manner. Have any suggestions, please talk to me.
 Roxanne Smillie
Lansdowne Executive

Hey everyone! Being one of the Lansdowne Directors over this past year has been a great learning experience about the great active groups
our campus has and the challenges we face. I would like to help enhance the connections with-in our campus to make more of a community
feeling. A challenge I have seen is the that the large turn over here at Camosun causes problems for our many clubs and activists. I would
like to establish some templates and outlines to be left behind for the future students so that these activities live on and turn into traditions.
I look forward to helping plan various events such as Camfest, monthly cultural events and highlighting events for the many clubs here on
campus. If elected Lansdowne Executive I will represent you the students and make your voices heard.
Thank you,
Roxanne Smillie :D

Lauren Blakey
Women’s Director
I am a Political Science/ Public Relations Student at Camosun College.
If you elect me as Women’s Director I will make sure your voice is heard at the student council meetings, as I’m not afraid to fight for the
things you believe in.

My goal is to listen to all of the women on campus, implement relevant changes, and create new events that are important to everyone.
I had the privilege of working closely with last years Women’s Director on many events, and I will use my experience to make the
Women’s Center an even better place for everyone at Camosun College.
I would love to hear your ideas on the issues you deem important, and I can be reached anytime at the contact information below.
I am excited to get involved and get things done, so vote Lauren Blakey for Women’s Director, and together we’ll make this the best year
yet!

Home Phone: (250) 298-7746

Email: wavechaser@shaw.ca

Chloe Markgraf
W o m e n ’s D i r e c t o r
The position as Women’s Director is something I took on at the beginning of the semester and has been a joy to fulfill thus far. We have had
the pleasure of hosting several events: luncheons, collective meetings and a production of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ in late April. It is my
hope that I can continue as Women’s Director of the CCSS and carry on to facilitating an inspiring, comfortable, safe and productive space
for the women of Camosun.

My passion is women’s issues, and my current studies have led me to study biology with a personal focus on women’s health. These passions
extend into the realm of social issues, and I am enthusiastic in supporting efforts by women to gather and mobilize, both as women alone
and with men. My hope is that I can be a strong empowered voice for the women at this college as well as facilitating a safe and thought-
provoking environment at the women’s centres. I also hope to organize exiting stimulating events that are relevant to camosun women.

My dedication to this work is my life path and I truly believe I will be the best at fulfilling this position. Please fell free to email me with any
comments, questions, ideas, or criticism (women.centre@camosunstudent.org). I am open to feedback and really wanting to see the women
centres and the women of Camosun flourish.
Chloe Markgraf, current women’s director, CCSS.

Jesse Bennett
Sustainability Director
Hi, My name Is Jesse Bennett, and I represent a new age of vision that sees change as a reality at Camosun. But this change can only
exist given persistence and perseverance, which I will be giving my full attention to. I represent the students of Camosun, each and every
one of you. Every concern is important to me, and I plan on making many gains of progress, in the direction towards a more sustainable
social friendly school. I can see a Camosun where students see, hear, and voice their support towards a sustainable future.
As your new Sustainability Director, I will be placing issues of student importance on meeting agendas and following them through till
they are accomplished. These issues will include:
• Bettering the bus system • Subsidized transit alternatives
• Car pooling establishment • Sustainable (pesticide free) food alternatives I plan to see Camosun become a more accountable school
to the students, a school where the concerns of the people are heard and acted upon.
With your vote we can become united, and make a stand for a school that will hear the issues of student importance, and most of all
change them for the better. Thank You, Jesse Bennett

Mohsin Abbas
International Director
Mohsin Abbas, voice for you
I stand up for all students at Camosun. Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to serve you as Director Landsdowne.
I remember when my first year in a Canadian college as an international student, living in exile in Canada, lonely and with very little
money to pay heavy tuition fees as an international student and living expenses. I know there are many of you (international students)
going through tough times. It can be much easier if International students would be allowed to work full-time.
I would love to see you joining me to take this matter to Canadian Minister of immigration. This will help foreign students continue their
studies in much easier and better conditions than they are in now.
Now, I am in the English Creative writing class and as a non-native speaker, I can see how challenging it is and feels when you are in a new
country or studying in a new language, and with very limited hours to work.
I believe in communication. I live my life with enthusiasm. I have seen struggles and believe lots of them can be made a little easier with
some outside support. Schooling is a struggle for all of us. I will make sure your voice is heard so the support knows where to go. Let
me have the opportunity to bring more international events and support around campus. Let me have the opportunity to make our space
a more comfortable place to be. If elected, my goal is to take this matter to Canadian Immigration Minister to make the life easy for
international students.
 Kymberlee Sellwood (Chase)
First Nations Director

Hello, my name is Chase and I am in my first year of Aboriginal studies at Camosun’s Lansdowne campus. Over the past two semesters,
I have helped to organize monthly feasts, giveaways and raffles, advocated on behalf of FNSA to allocate funds to cultural events
and workshops, and, with a few of my peers, started fund raising for a graduate trip. Additionally, I have met regularly with FNSA
director(s), and advisors from the Aboriginal faculty. For the upcoming term, I am running for the First Nations director position, and
a seat on the Education Council. In respect to the position of director, if I do get elected I plan to focus largely on ways to unite the FN
students from all five Camosun locations. I also hope to, if elected, implement a plan that would give each satellite school an opportunity
to access funds giving students who are interested a chance to host cultural events, workshops, or lectures. As a second-generation
residential school survivor, I understand, at the very least, the emotional impact of both the historical and contemporary content in
Indigenous studies; therefore, if I am also successful in gaining a seat on the Education Council, I hope to always advise from a place
that is always present of the additional challenges of Aboriginal education. Regardless of the outcome of the election, my hope is for
students come out and exercise their right to vote.

Pamela Webster
First Nations Director
Hello, my name is Pamela Webster. I am from Ahousaht an affiliation of the Nuu-chah-nulth Tribal Council. My parents are Hudson and
Janet Webster and my grandmother only survivor, Mamie Lucas.
My long time spouse, Guy and I have a son who has his own family. He and his wife have two sons. We are grandparents and totally
loving it!! We are a close family with our son of course, and with all our extended families.
As a full-time student, I have an interest in supporting and working with First Nations. I intend to bring First Nations together from all
campuses, and form a committee from these locations as we strive for our education endeavors.
As I have strong values for culture and tradition, I am active with Ahousaht culture and very keen in having other cultures support us as
First Nation students while in College.
I welcome your introductions, concerns, comments and suggestions as a First Nation student.
I can be located at the Interurban Campus or you may leave a message at the CCSS office in Campus Center building.
Ph: 250 370-3868 or fax: 250 370-3830
Personal Email: pfwebster@shaw.ca

Cristian Cano
Pride Director

I want to run for the position of Pride Director once again because I feel that I still have too much to do. UVic will host the Canadian
University of Queer Services Conference in the spring of 2010, and I plan to get Camosun involved as much as possible. Camosun
Pride will participate, as well, in camp Firefly (a camping retreat for the queer youth) during this summer. I want to make sure that
our collective is helping the community during this upcoming year. I plan to create safer spaces for the LGTB community in campus,
especially at the Interurban campus. I plan to create more activities in both campuses for the members of the collective to network and
just have fun during their spare time at college. I also want to make sure that our group keeps following its golden rule: Everybody is
welcome. Anyone, no matter sexual orientation or gender identification, will be welcome to be part of Camosun Pride, even the straight
allies. Camosun Pride is proud to be the most inclusive collective in campus.

Matthew Martin
Board of Governors Rep. Interurban

I am excited about the opportunity to further serve the students of Camosun as your Board of Governors representative.

What I bring to the position:

• 2 ½ years experience serving students in a variety of positions including

• Interurban Executive
• Student Representative on Education Council
• Students With Disabilities Director
• Interurban Director
• Passion to provide students with the highest quality of education
• Energy to actively raise student issues to the Board of Governors
• Desire to ensure that the interests of students are addressed
• Enthusiasm to work hard as your Board of Governors representative

M i c h e l Tu r c o t t e
Board of Governors Rep. Interurban
Vote for Dedication, Dependability, & Experience
The Board of Governors is Camosun’s governing body and makes all major financial decisions including increasing your tuition, there
are only two students on this important board.
I have spend the last 10 years working full time in support of student rights and ensuring the yours, the students, voice is heard at
Camosun College and beyond. As a long time employee of the Camosun College Student Society I have a proven track record of
helping students resolve their problems and ensuring that CCSS programs functioned to your benefit. I am now a student in the
Advanced Human Resources Diploma Program and seeking the opportunity of representing you as your Interurban Board of
Governors Representative.
• Responsible for the creation of a full time Ombudsman at Camosun College
• Negotiated and implemented the Universal Bus Pass (U-Pass)
• Degree in Political Science
• Former Elected Student Representative
• Long time campaigner for Student Rights
• Organized many beverage gardens and special events
• I will not vote to raise your tuition!
Vote Yes!
to separate and raise the Recreation
and Athletics Levy

• Steady and reliable funding for our Athletics

Teams and Recreation Centres on both Campuses
• More hours in the Fitness centres on both campuses!

• Separate levies will mean both endeavours will have

consistent funding to deliver the programming important to
students on Campus!

• Students get their say on how the money is allocated!

Get out and Vote! 500 votes are needed to pass or fail
a referendum!

$ NM ³S - H R R
Student Society
The

Annual General Meeting

@ Interurban in Campus Centre 124 @ 2pm on
Friday April 3rd Free Pizza!
nexus@nexusnewspaper.com
Local filmmaker brings BC forests into the spotlight
Shane Scott-Travis
Contributing Writer
Exploring the ambivalent as-
pects of economics and the environ-
ment with his new film The Green
Chain is BC-bred filmmaker Mark
Leiren-Young.
“I consider Victoria my other
home, next to Vancouver,” says
Leiren-Young on a recent sojourn
here to promote his “tree movie.”
Canada’s forests are dazzling,
signifying our national identity
for many people. Leiren-Young
is ready to start a polemic on the
subject, but he also wants to share
his enthusiasm for storytelling.
“Victoria audiences are phe-
nomenally aware politically,” says
Leiren-Young. “This is a city where
4,500 people marched to the legisla-
ture to protest the logging of ancient
forests. That’s an exciting audience
for me and for this movie.”
The Green Chain is a bold ex-
periment, looking at the ill-tem-
pered logging industry in earnest.
It solidly scans all angles of the
industry, giving both sides equal
airtime, but it isn’t just an exercise
in didacticism.
While the international festival
circuit has given Leiren-Young’s
film a warm response, it has also
provided some interesting experi-
ences for him.
“In a recent interview for Var-
iety I confused the hell out of their
reporter,” explains Leiren-Young.
“He asked if I was excited about
The Green Chain playing LA. I said
If you like blue cheese...
Twilight
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert
Pattinson, Billy Burke
Runtime: 120 minutes
Stephanie Meyer’s Twi-
light is a fluffier, younger, modern-
day version of Anne Rice’s Interview
with a Vampire. But with thousands
of enthusiastic teenage girls as its
audience, the pressure was on for
film director Catherine Hardwicke to
impress the book’s fervent fans.
For Hardwicke, staying true to
the book had to be a significant focus.
Messing with the story would mean
mobs of furious 15-year-old girls
egging her house and toilet-papering
her car. But she has sidestepped that
catastrophe quite easily.
The actors fit the parts perfectly.
Or closely enough to satisfy pubes-
cent girls enthralled with a love story
of beauty meets bloodsucker.
Kristen Stewart’s performance
as Bella Swan is awkward and un-
usual, which is absolutely perfect
for her character—a socially inept
and eccentric 17-year-old.
As for Edward Cullen, Robert
Pattinson is a perfect match visually.
Handsome, rugged, and undeniably
endearing, he even makes deathly
white skin look good.
Pattison’s acting is a little stilted
and his dedication to his American
accent affects his performance. But
it ends up working in his favour be-
cause his awkwardness accentuates
I was more excited about it playing
in places like Oregon, Victoria, or
Prince George—places where this
is heart and soul in logging com-
munities and eco-communities.”
Leiren-Young cut his teeth in
the film industry as a screenwriter.
He’s written extensively for stage
and screen (episodes of Terminal
City, Reboot, and The Collector
among them), and his droll memoir,
Never Shoot a Stampede Queen, is
a bestseller. Add director to his list
of accomplishments and Leiren-
Young is no slouch.
“I’m a writer, first and foremost,”
says Leiren-Young. “I became a
director because my director is
gone,” he says softly, referring to
John Juliani, who succumbed to
cancer in 2003.
“Whenever John and I worked
together it was always about cre-
ating a dialogue, a debate that
wouldn’t end,” explains Leiren-
Young. “We did a play together,
Articles of Faith, about a same-sex
blessing in the Anglican church.
I’m a straight Jewish guy; whatever
I write, no one is going to listen to
me! John knew better.”
Leiren-Young is currently con-
templating his future in filmmaking.
“I’d love to find someone else that I
could connect with like I did with
John, but I’ll probably direct again.
This has been fun. Because The
Green Chain is being well received,
a part of me goes, ‘Wow . . . cred-
ibility! Validation!’”
A part of that validation stems
Edward’s inhuman qualities.
But Hardwicke did make one
vital mistake. Just because some-
thing reads well in the pages of
a romance novel doesn’t mean it
translates on screen. There’s one
particularly long and uncomfortable
scene where Bella confronts Edward
about being a vampire.
The dialogue is melodramatic
and exaggerated; in writing it works,
but not on screen. This is where
Hardwicke didn’t understand how
to tone down the cheese. She could
have used mozzarella or light ched-
dar, but instead she went with blue
cheese with a side of Camembert.
The camera work is overly theat-
rical and Edward is hanging off trees
and saying things like, “You are my
personal brand of heroin.” To be
honest, it’s physically hard to watch.
Every time Edward and Bella look
longingly into each other’s eyes, it’s
like barf city in gag-me country.
Still, the action is pleasantly
gorier than expected, the special ef-
fects aren’t bad, and the soundtrack
is impressive. Although its PG rating
is questionable, Twilight is by no
means a disappointment.
Ratings
Complete disaster . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Unfortunate malfunction . . . . . . . .
A solid stand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Freakin’ fabulous . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
ARTS 
from the project’s strong cast, Tri-
cia Helfer and Tahmoh Penikett
(both of Battlestar Galactica), and
Brendan Fletcher (The Final Cut)
among them.
“I was more excited
about the film playing
in places like Oregon,
Victoria, or Prince
George—places where
this is heart and soul
in logging
communities and eco-
communities.”
Mark Leiren-Young
Writer/Director
“The great cast agreeing to do
these monologues of mine made it
easier to take this big leap into the
abyss!” says Leiren-Young.
One needn’t risk a tumble down
a bottomless well, but a visit to
thegreenchain.com will yield in-
teresting results, ones not nearly as
muggy as one might expect.
For anyone wanting to take a
closer look at what’s at stake in our
forests, The Green Chain makes for
an interesting inauguration.
For more info, go to www.
thegreenchain.com
Stone of Destiny
★★★★★
Ed Sum
Contributing Writer
Every once in a while, a movie
about the topic of Scottish pride is
released. Enter Stone of Destiny, a
cinematic reinterpretation of the
events leading up to the heist of the
Stone of Scone from Westminster
Abbey.
Audiences are taken on a jour-
ney exploring what it means to face
one’s destiny and own up to it.
In the ’50s, University of Glas-
Pontypool As winter rages outside the rural gow student Ian Hamilton (Charlie
Ontario station, it soon becomes Cox) feels disillusioned by where his
★★★★★ apparent events of apocalyptic pro- life is going.
portions are affecting the vicinity. When he decides Scotland needs
Shane Scott-Travis Mazzy, aided by his producer, Syd- its heritage back, he finds fellow
Contributing Writer ney (Lisa Houte), and her assistant, co-conspirators to join him on his
The new film from Bruce Mc-
Laurel (Georgina Reilly), become mission, including Kay Matheson
Donald (Hard Core Logo, High-
trapped in the station, broadcasting (Kate Mara) and Bill Craig (Billy
way 61) isn’t what most would
to whomever might be surviving this Boyd).
expect from this irreverent
Canadian cataclysm. This movie relies on cinematic
non-conformist.
Pontypool wrings maximum clichés throughout, but that’s a
For starters, Pontypool is a sus-
effect from a minimum of means, good thing. It helps give the story a
penseful horror film (McDonald’s
placing it in the realm of Hitchcock light-edged comedic sensibility.
first) in the tradition of genre mas-
or vintage Twilight Zone. What ap- Other than the fact the Scottish
ters like John Carpenter and George
pears as a classically simple situa- Highlands are very green in the mid-
Romero. Pontypool messes with
tion gets dissected and reworked dle of winter (the movie was filmed
expectations and will have viewers for rattling results, qualifying it for in Vancouver), this BC-made film
speculating the whole time.
instant cult status. is well done, having been voted the
Stephen McHattie (Watch- Adapted from the Tony Burgess audience favourite in last February’s
men, Shoot ‘Em Up) is smashing as novel, Pontypool Changes Every- Victoria Film Festival.
sourpuss radio host Grant Mazzy, a thing, McDonald has crafted a hor- Stone of Destiny closes like how
former shock jock from the big stink
ror film for thinking cinemagoers it began—revealing Scotland as
relocated to the one-horse town of
that could just be a new touchstone a place whose identity its people
Pontypool. for fright fans. take pride in.
8 arts
Immaculate view from Jackson Hill
miChael dunCan
COntriButing Writer
Comfortable isn’t a quality
most indie rock fans would like
to describe their favorite bands
as having. According to Brooke
Gallupe, lead singer/songwriter
of Victoria’s Immaculate Machine,
it’s understood “comfortable” is by
no means playing any part in his
music career.
Immaculate Machine has an
almost completely different lineup
than when they started, their sound
has evolved, and Gallupe just re-
cently completed writing and re-
cording their new album, High on
Jackson Hill.
Maybe the only thing remaining
the same is the band name.
Gallupe’s previous bandmates,
Kathryn Calder and Luke Kozlow-
ski, have for the most part moved
on, with Calder working with The
New Pornographers and Kozlowski
retiring from the band.
“Kathryn is still involved, in
theory,” says Gallupe, mention-
ing she did contribute to the new
album.
Immaculate Machine’s new
lineup features Aden Collinge, Jor-
dan Minkoff, Caitlin Gallupe, and
occasionally Gallupe’s girlfriend,
Leslie Rewega, who played with
Victoria Underfoot
Harbour Publishing
Jason moTz
staff Writer
Vancouver Island is fertile
ground for anthropologists, archae-
ologists, historians, and dreamers
alike. Victoria Underfoot is a col-
lection of stories about the buried
history of the capital region.
For the local citizen or day-
the band recently down in Texas at he explains. tripper who takes for granted the
the SXSW Festival. Gallupe notes each track on majesty of the Fort Rodd Hill, the
Gallupe wrote the majority High on Jackson Hill had its own watery history of the Gorge, or the
of High on Jackson Hill, recorded individual sensibility. “Each song tunnels below the downtown core,
over three weeks at his childhood did have its own particular experi- here’s a book to alter one’s apathetic
home with producer Colin Stewart ment to go along with it.” view of Victoria.
(Black Mountain, Destroyer). In With songs featuring an early The real value of Victoria Under-
comparing the new album’s sound ’70s sound a la T.Rex, to the exten- foot is the pictures of old Victoria.
with Immaculate Machine’s previ- sive use of harmonies, the album’s It’s hard to believe Fisgard Street
ous album, Fables, Gallupe simply authentic sound should stand out was once little more than planks of
says, “This album sounds more amongst other indie clutter. wood above muddy streets. Or that
natural.” Gallupe understands it’s really the Gorge, the last place anybody
out of his control how Immaculate would go for a dip today, was once
Machine fans take to the material, a prime attraction for sunbathers,
adding, “You do have a choice of boaters, and regatta spectators.
“this album sounds what song you are going to make a Shots of Esquimalt, long before
more natural.” video for, but don’t have a choice for 20 th-century encroachment de-
what song people will post on blogs voured up the city’s plush greenery,
brooKe galluPe and which ones radio will play.” are a revelation.
immaCuLate maChine
Case in point, CBC Radio Three Some of the more interesting
has chosen to mainly play High
Noise Addict
on Jackson Hill’s, “Only Love You
Maybe it was the home setting, for Your Car,” a track featuring a
opposed to a sterile studio, which “Bollywood beat,” as Gallupe de-
allowed Gallupe to flesh out an Im- scribes the track set to a shimmer-
maculate Machine sound more en- ing organ line he’s always wanted
gaging than previous recordings. to use.
The album flows through a High on Jackson Hill is out April
broad style of songs that neither rest 28, and Immaculate Machine will
Keeping with real country
apprehensively nor are scattered in be playing their CD release show at From Hank Williams’ “Tear
search of a sound, which may have Logan’s Pub on May 9. in My Beer,” to Woody Guthrie’s
been what Gallupe hoped for. Whether you’re already a fan “This Land Is Your Land,” country
“I wanted to somehow both be or a newcomer, be sure not to and folk originated as music with
casual in my childhood home, but miss either; this machine won’t a story and a message. The songs
be more epic and rockin’ in a way,” disappoint. expressed the average person’s
struggle and heartbreak. But now,
most contemporary country and
folk musicians have strayed from
these roots to recycling country
clichés while wearing 10-gallon
hats. Here are three folk and country
musicians with an authenticity that
doesn’t come with the tired pop-
country garbage.
Canoe $10 Burger
and Beer on
Monday Nights!!
Canoe welcomes students
to join us on Mondays for
a Canoe Burger or a Veggie
Burger with a glass of Canoe
brewed beer for just $10!
If you’re currently a student,
bring a valid piece of student ID
to take up this incredible offer!
*Offer not valid with any substitutions*
All students must have 2 pieces
of government-issued ID to join
us in the pub.
Canoe Brew Pub
250-361-1940
info@canoebrewpub.com
www.canoebrewpub.com
april 1, 2009
chapters delve into how hospitals
functioned and operated a century
ago. Needless to say, things have
greatly improved on that front.
Victoria Underfoot is a handy
guide to Victoria’s back streets of
yore. Geared toward tourist shop
displays, this isn’t a heady read. For
anyone looking to unearth some of
Victoria’s ghosts, this is as good a
place as any to begin.
Victoria Underfoot is a labour
of love for a couple of Camosun
College Anthropology instructors,
Brenda Clark and Nicole Kilburn.
Fellow editor Nick Russell is pres-
ident of the Hallmark Society and a
former reporter and editor.
By Michael Duncan
Bonnie Prince Billy (myspace.
com/princebonniebilly) may sound
like an odd name, but for Will Old-
ham, it’s a perfect fit. Oldham’s
music can be narrowed down to a
folk, rock, and Americana sound.
His newest album, Beware, keeps
with his traditional sound and
soothing warble. The songs fea-
ture a wide array of instruments,
including mandolin, pedal steel,
accordion, and distorted guitars.
Oldham is certainly a bearer of the
country tradition, but also fuses
rock energy with the traditional
Americana ballad style.
Jason Isbell (myspace.com/
jasonisbellmusic) and his band the
400 Unit are in line with the time-
honoured Southern rock bands.
Isbell was originally a member of the
Drive-By Truckers, who were at the
time one of the premier contempor-
ary Southern rock bands. Isbell’s
songwriting talents have certainly
transferred over to his new band and
their debut, self-titled album. The
songs feature Isbell’s storytelling
abilities set to country guitars and
lofty organ that combine to keep
the band on the forefront of the
Southern sound.
Austin Lucas (myspace.com/
austinlucas1) is a newcomer to
the folk and country scene, having
previously played in a host of punk
bands. But his past is something one
would never expect after listening to
his 11-song debut, Somebody Loves
You, a rootsy and country affair. All
11 songs are mainly acoustic guitar
along with accompanying fiddles
and female harmonies to Lucas’
Sam Bean-like vocals. The songs are
reminiscent of a troubadour, deal-
ing with themes of heartache and
traveling, and are excellent listens
with a whiskey or beer in hand.
nexus@nexusnewspaper.com COLumns
GIVING IT UP: old habits di
by Kelly marion
hard
my hair was spent making lunch and feeding the cat.
I even got to sit down with my dad and have a cup of
coffee rather than bolt out the door with a cuppa (or
buy one on the way).
Day 3: I felt like everyone was staring at me at school
yesterday. My hair was all over the place, my eyelashes
lackluster without mascara, and my cheeks the same
color as the rest of my face; missing that lovely “just
went for a run” look that blush provides. On top of
that, I wore a pair of sweatpants I haven’t worn since
high school and a grubby sweater my sister bought at
a garage sale one year. I’ve taken this bum look to a
whole new level.
Day 5: I can’t go by the mirror without wanting
to poof this and flatten that, all whilst making that
god-awful “mirror” face I have. To stop feeling so bad
about myself, and pining to fix my appearance, I’ve
covered the mirrors in my house so I actually can’t see
the way I look. This challenge could turn out to make
a modest girl of me.
Day 8: My jeans hang in my closet, freshly pressed
and calling my name. The red dress I bought two weeks
ago dances around my room as my black boots tap out
a rendition of “Material Girl.” Am I really dreaming
about my clothes?
Day 11: I turned down an invite to eat out at Earl’s
tonight because I couldn’t bear the thought of dining
phOtO: COurtney CLarke amongst my well-dressed, finely groomed friends, and
being served by skanky waitresses in their plunging
vanity silk necklines and leather boots while I ate in stained,
well-weathered jeans and a sweater. It just wouldn’t feel
The challenge
right. So I ate Sloppy Joes at home with my brother.
Be “raw” for two weeks and put my looks on the They say you are what you eat—man, did I match my
backburner. meal.
The reason Day 13: Flipping through a Cosmo today almost
brought tears to my eyes. Not because of a sappy article
Since I first discovered makeup I’ve been hooked,
I read, or because half of these skin-and-bone women
discovering new and fantastic products coming out
could have eating disorders while young girls aspire
every week. I’m also a shop-aholic with a closet full of
to be like them, but because I wanted to be in their
clothes I’ve worn only once. I’ve finally realized how
shoes—literally. I want to be primped and plucked and
ridiculous it is to care so much about my appearance,
so I’ve decided to put the effort aside for a while. This dressed in beautiful clothes. I want my eyes to pop from
means sweatpants, messy hair, and no makeup, relying
only on my “natural beauty.”
using the right shade of shadow, and my skin masked
of imperfections. One more day and the “real” me can
shine once again!
The rationale
The amount of time I spend looking at my reflection The result
is ridiculous! There are so many other things I could be I am a vain, vain person who could’ve saved a lot
doing instead, so why not save myself the extra time it of money had I been doing this grub girl thing for the
takes to get ready and put it towards something useful, entirety of my life. But as I’ve already discovered, money
like making it to the bus stop on time? isn’t everything. Besides, aren’t makeup and dresses
the fun parts of being a girl?
The trial
Day 1: I’m out of sorts this morning, unsure of Next issue
I’m tuning into my surroundings rather than my
what I need to do to get ready before school. The 15
iPod. This time I’m giving up music.
minutes it usually takes me to put on makeup and do
Straight men get gay-bashed
CrisTian Cano another man hit him numerous family, it’s tradition to kiss on the
pride direCtOr times with a baseball bat. Jose died cheek when we greet each other.
On March 7 in
a few days after. It drives me crazy to think that
New York, a group of
The Sucuzhanas are not the them and so many other people
three males attacked
first straight men to be gay-bashed. could be in danger just because
brothers Jose and
A friend of mine, who is a police they publicly show affectionate to
Romel Sucuzhana
officer, has told me that straight people they care about.
because they were
men are commonly attacked in I still believe that everybody
walking arm-in-arm
Canada because they are perceived should be able to show affection to
in the middle of the night.
to be gay. their friends, family, and partners
The men thought the brothers
It’s unreasonable to expect in public, without having to fear
were a gay couple. One of them
people to express affection only in for their safety in case they are
hit Jose’s head with a bottle and
the privacy of their own home. In my perceived as being gay.
w w w.ne xu snewspap er.com
visit t h e nexus online Mexican
Tacos ● Tamales ● Beer
◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆
2 tostada $5 3 tacos $5
3 quesadilla $5 nachos $5
low low student prices every day
1002 Johnson St. 11am - 7pm
(at Vancouver) Mon - Sat
Fo rg et g ro u n d b e ef. . .we p u l l o u r m e at !
9
By Keltie Larter
Pillow talk
I’ve only done the long-distance relationship thing once. We met while
I was living in Montreal, but about a year later I decided to move back to the
island to go to school. My then-boyfriend was halfway through completing
his degree at McGill, so as I boarded the plane we tearfully promised each
other we would keep the relationship going over the phone.
It didn’t last very long; long-distance relationships rarely do. One thing I
gained from the experience, however, was learning how to talk dirty. For the
first time in my life, I came to understand the allure of phone sex. Because
sex is often such a tactile experience, something as simple as using your
voice to turn yourself and your partner on can be easily overlooked.
Most people are uncomfortable talking dirty to their partner the first
time they do it. I know I certainly was. At first it can be hard to take it
seriously, but with a little practice you’ll give whole new meaning to the
expression “oral pleasure.”
Setting some boundaries with your partner is usually a good idea, but
remember that sex should be fun! Don’t worry about it if you sometimes
end up cracking each other up, or saying something weird. Too much pres-
sure can quickly ruin a good thing. To quote author Anais Nin, “Anxiety
is love’s greatest killer.”
Most people tend to stay away from clinical-sounding terms like “penis”
or “vagina,” and sometimes just describing how beautiful you find your
partner, or what you’d like them to do to you, can be a good start.
Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy, suggests practicing
dirty talk while you masturbate. She says to start a conversation in your
mind at first, and to work towards talking to yourself out loud.
Another good way to get started can be to try having phone sex. It
can be a lot less intimidating talking dirty over the phone at first, rather
than in person. You can fantasize about making love to your partner and
tell them in detail all the things you’re both doing. Experimenting with
different tones of voice can be fun too!
Like with all things sexual, it’s important to be yourself. Trying to
mimic dirty talkers from movies or porn can come across as really forced
and can feel silly, so don’t fake it!
Dirty talk has no specific formula. It can be anything you like or, more
importantly, anything that turns you on. I find closing my eyes helps, and if
you’re not sure what to say, try reading some erotica or asking Google.
If all else fails, as actor John Wayne once said, “Talk low, talk slow,
and don’t talk too much.”
The vaginas are coming!
miChelle ChoWns the CCSS office and through cast
WOmyn’s Centre COLLeCtiVe memBer members. They cost only $10 for
Maybe you’ve heard students, $20 for non-students. Get
the murmurs of women your tickets in advance for this ex-
gathering and chatting ex- citing event as they are going fast!
citedly. Maybe you thought Also, be sure to check out our
we were catching up on the latest art show and silent auction on April
gossip, or dishing about boys. Well, 23. All proceeds from these events
sorry guys—the hot topic on all the are going to the Mary Manning
girls’ lips right now is none other Centre to help stop violence against
than our vaginas! women.
In collaborations with the
Camosun College Student Society
(CCSS), the Camosun Womyn’s
Centres, and Eve Ensler’s V Day
campaign, a group of gutsy and
lovely ladies are to preparing to
produce The Vagina Monologues
right here on campus.
This revolutionary play, written
by Ensler, is produced around the
globe to help raise awareness and
money for groups who combat
violence against women.
Camosun’s production of The
Vagina Monologues will run April
24–25 in Young 216, Lansdowne.
Tickets are already available at
t Ca
mosun
lly a
t ra
den
Stu
Learn more about how yOu
Can make a differenCe and
protect the last portion of
old growth forest left on
Vancouver island with aCtiOn
fOr OLd grOWth (afrOg).
Visit us today at
join the group page on
www.orale.ca facebook or drop a line at
oldgrowthcamosun@gmail.com
10 COLumns april 1, 2009

Ask Anything By Breanna Carey

When truth backfires Critical conditioning

Q: Last summer i met some guys in a band and went home

with one of them who i later discovered was married.
afterwards, i felt an overwhelming urge to tell his wife be-
cause i found out we both shared a mutual friend. When i
told her, she completely disregarded everything i said and
made me feel worse . . . so now what?
Q: despite my very successful life, my mother has always
been my biggest critic, whether it’s my clothes, job, or By Guy Alaimo & Donald Kennedy
appearance. my boyfriend seems to be following in her foot-
steps, being just as critical as she is. i’m a confident person,
but this is really hitting a nerve. how do i make them stop?

A: it’s a bad situation you felt could be rectified only by

relieving your own guilt. you are fully aware that your
actions were un-cool because he was married. this makes
you at fault if you knew about it, but still slept with him. But
the deed is done and the moral issues arise. inevitably, cheat-
ing secrets always come up. some people would rather turn
a blind eye and keep their unfaithful mate no matter what
people tell them. i do congratulate you on being bold and
mature enough to say something to the wife. you did your
part to make her see what a cheat her husband is and you
probably weren’t the first lady he canoodled with that wasn’t
his wife. take whatever hurtful things she says with a grain
of salt and be thankful he’s not your permanent man.
A: you’ve got one annoying situation on your hands and
it’s time to do something about it. Whether they’re
pissing you off or hurting your feelings, they need to know
their comments are unwelcome and unnecessary. you can
laugh off the fact you picked a male replica of your mother
and tell the pair to back off, or take the high road by inviting
them both for lunch and firmly tell them the nitpicking has
to stop now. they’re probably only nagging because they
care, as backward as that may sound, but you can shift that
into constructive criticism instead. simply state you may
have some faults, but they are also far from perfect, and if
they continue to chip at your shoulder, say you’ll no longer
speak to them or kick them in the shin at your leisure. they’ll
get the point.

Save money with DIY beer
Joel WiTheringTon
Csea memBer
If you’re living off
a student loan or sav-
ings, then you might be
experiencing a shortage
of cash now that the
term is coming to an end. So, what
better way to save money than to
make your own booze?
It’s very easy; you just need some
basic supplies. First, get a big jug
(called a carboy) with a volume at
around 20 to 25 litres. Then, you’ll
need an airlock to stop contaminants
from getting into the carboy and a
siphon tube with a hose. Next, you’ll
need some sugar (corn sugar works
good), otherwise known as dextrose,
a thermometer, and finally some
bottles and caps. Old beer bottles
work best, but you can use plastic
pop bottles if you like.
You can get everything you need
at Hobby Beer and Wines on Fin-
layson Street, and for the dextrose
I recommend pre-ordering a big
bag from For Good Measure in
Cadboro Bay.
Here’s a cheap way to make a
canned beer kit that’s available at
any beer and winemaking store for
$13-$18.
-Open the can and pour the con-
tents into a pot.
-Use the can to measure out a can
and a half of dextrose.
-Add some water and heat up the
pot to dissolve the sugar.
-Fill the carboy half up with water,
and add the beer kit once it has
cooled.
-When all liquid in carboy reaches
25–30 degrees, add a yeast packet.
-Put the carboy in a place where
it won’t make a mess if it bubbles
over, and leave it for a week.
-Siphon the beer into a container,
clean the carboy, siphon the beer
back in the carboy, and leave it for
one more week.
-Add 1 and 1/4 cup dextrose to
the carboy to give it fizz.
-Bottle, wait a week, drink, and
enjoy!
Making your own booze is fun
and can positively effect the environ-
ment by reducing your impact as a
consumer.
Remember, you can save all
your bottles and reuse them with
each batch.
If you would like to know more
about CSEA, go to www.camosun-
student.org/csea or e-mail camosun-
sea@hotmail.com
Sura Korean BBQ and Hot Pot Restaurant
1696 Douglas St., 250–385–7872
BBQ Combo A (includes Dumplings Soup, Salad, Fried
Dumpling, Beef Short Ribs, Marinated Beef Rib Eye,
Marinated Pork, Marinated Chicken), and a Seafood
Pancake
Donald: There’s something magical about being able to sit down at
a restaurant and cook your own food. Fighting to get your meat on the
BBQ first, and then watching it spit and crackle like a nest of drooling
woodland fairies awakening on a bed of twigs—yes, it truly makes for
a fun evening. However, a restaurant needs to provide more than just
an opportunity to avoid doing dishes. Most of you broke motherfuckers
don’t even own dishes. You probably prepare meals in your sink, and then
wash everything you don’t eat down the drain. Luckily, Sura provides a
meal that not only creates no mess, but tastes a lot better than sink salad
and toaster oven perogies. The marinade for the meat dishes is a simple
mix, but it does the trick. The supple pork is the real standout here, as the
sweet chili and soy marinade gives it an almost candied flavour. Throw
in a seafood pancake on the side and you’ve got yourself quite a nice little
dinner party.
Guy: I want to apologize to Little Ling, for I have moved on to a new
Asian beauty. I forget her name, but as she turned over our pork ribs on
the little BBQ, her smile and the faulty top button of her shirt made the
meal ever-so-enjoyable. It made the beef taste beefier, and the pork taste

Maude’s April Specials sweeter. When I gave her a $10 tip, her eyes lit up with a smile so genuine,
I felt remarkable, like I made a difference in this young waitress’ life while
sharing a unique connection that might survive until the next time I feel
Music Bingo Mondays (Bingo starts at 7:30 PM) the need to drop what little money I have at Sura. While the food was
good, I don’t buy it. The whole Korean thing of cooking your own food
$6.95 Burger & Fries (4PM) might work if you pay a flat rate for all-you-can-eat, and it might make
Martinis $5 you think you’re highly cultured (wow, I can use chopsticks and cook my
own food at a restaurant!). But overall it was a little expensive, and felt a
Black Tuesdays tad limiting in terms of what I could try for what I paid. I just need to go
to Shabusan in Vancouver again.
$6.95 Classic Beef Dip & Fries (4 PM) Price: BBQ Combo; $39.95 plus tax. Pancake; $8.95 plus tax.
$4 Jagermeister Verdict: To quote Canadian punk band SNFU, “She’s not a sex object, but
a person too (I know that) / She’s not on the menu.”
Wing Wednesdays Hey, check out our Victoria buffet and burger blogs at vicbuffet.com
(Guy) and vicburgers.blogspot.com (Donald).
.35¢ Wings (after 2 PM)
Thirsty Thursdays
$5.95 10” Pizza (4 PM) SUMMER
$3.99 Hi-Balls/$5 Doubles JOBS
Sunday Brunch COLLEGE PRO PAINTERS
$7. 95 Brunch is presently looking for responsible / hard-
$8.95 Roast Beef Special working University or College
$3.99 Caesars/ $5 Doubles students for:
Y
$13.50 Team Pitchers DAIL $6.95 Full-Time Painting Positions
5 . 9 5 &SPECIALS May - August
Daily Draft Specials $ H
Snack Attack Appys 3-6 PM & 9-11 PM EVERY DAY! LUNC No experience required,
we will train you to paint.
Watch Canucks hockey here! Positions available in your area.
If interested call 1-888-277-9787
3810 Shelbourne Street (at Cedar Hill X Rd) 250.721.2337 or apply online at www.collegepro.com
Trades Technology
Career Fair
Thursday, April 9, 2009, 10 am – 2 pm
Interurban Campus, Technologies Centre
Presentations: 11:30 am – 1:30 pm

Secure your future at the fair… meet specialist exhibitors, build your
network, and hear about employment trends.
Bring your resume and dress for success!

Presentations: Exhibitors include:

(Technologies Centre, Room 175 & 177) (Technologies Centre Atriums)
BC Transit, www.bctransit.com
11:30 am
Carmanah Technologies BC Construction Association, www.bcassn.com
Darren Beckwith (Camosun Alumni)
Renewable Energies: What is it? Issues with it and Carmanah’s Viking Air, www.vikingair.com
approach. CGI, www.cgi.com
Noon
Healthy Green Buildings Ltd. ShipConstructor, www.shipconstructor.com
Jack Meredith
BC Ferries, www.bcferries.com
LEED: How does it work and how will it affect you?
12:30 pm Defence Construction, www.dcc-cdc.gc.ca
Starfish Medical
Canadian Forces, www.forces.ca
Scott Phillips
Innovations in Medical Device Development & Manufacturing. IBEW, www.ibew230.org
2006 VIATeC Technology Company of the Year.
1 pm
And more to be announced.
Backstage Technologies
Russell Ovans Check www.camosun.ca/se for
“There is no money to be made writing applications for latest list
Facebook.” VIATeC Emerging Tech Company of the Year, 2008.

Attending a presentation = free pizza

Two chances to win a $250 Camosun Cash Gift Card. Keep your numbered pen handed out at the fair and you could win.
Winning numbers announced by April 17, 2009 at www.camosun.ca/se

Co-operative Education and Student Employment www.camosun.ca/se

 Brazilian Waxing Specialist
new client special $30
eye on Wednesday, April 1
Insight Speaker Series
day. along with local, fair trade,
and organic beverages, there will
also be food, music, info booths,

krista at 250-661-1562
Iaso Bodyworks, downtown near Fort and Cook
campus Camosun College presents inter-
national human rights activist/
scholar nontombi naomi tutu. the
entertainment, and activities
focused on green-living challenges.
so come on out, bring your mugs,
daughter of archbishop desmond and prepare to be informed and
By Kait Cavers tutu will discuss “us and them: motivated about sustainable living!
how We Construct the Other.” 7:30 9 am-4 pm, Lansdowne courtyard.
pm, mcpherson playhouse, $12 for info: camosunsea@hotmail.com
students.

join THE
Friday, April 3
Thursday, April 2
BC-STV
Economic crisis are you ready for the may 12 refer-
discussion endum on BC-stV? i’m sure not; i
Camosun’s student Business Club haven’t picked up my depends yet.
hosts an economic Crisis discussion find out about the single transfer-
panel with david hahn (BC ferries), able Voting system. 7 pm, Campus

SMART
Lindsay hall (goldcorp inc.), and
steven dagg (Coupland Com-
munications). Check it out, avoid
the panic, and get your questions
answered. 5:30 pm, Campus Centre
124, interurban. info: dec.camosun@
gmail.com
Centre 124a, interurban. info:
tama_lamont@hotmail.com
Tuesday, April 7
Workshop!
speakers natasha reger and
david Bell from the reger group
will discuss how to start your own

GEnERATion.
Thursday, April 2
Sustainability Day
Camosun students for environ-
mental awareness (Csea) hold
their third annual sustainability
business. screw the economy and
the lack of jobs, be your own boss!
4–5:30 pm, Campus Centre 121,
interurban. info: employ@camosun.
bc.ca

and ready to rock, acres will bring it

The future of the environment is in
your hands. Study a practical science By kait Cavers
for a greener world.
Wednesday, April 1
Prairie Cat, Cobras Cobras
Visit bcit.ca, search ‘natural sciences’ Cobras, Cairo
LOGAN’S, DOORS AT 9 PM, $8
to the stage and show why they’re
considered by many to be the
country’s next big thing. Check these
beauties out.
Friday, April 3
Sebastien Grainger, Flash
Lightnin’
na
LUCKY, SHOW AT 10 PM, $15
in
atomique productions has a knack for
putting on a killer show, so make sure
you check this one out! co
H

if this show doesn’t kick your ass, of

somebody in the adjoining liquor Saturday, April 4
store probably will. Bring your brass J
knuckles.
Chad VanGaalen, Women
SUGAR, SHOW AT 9 PM, $18 M
TECHNOLOGY Thursday, April 2 the incredibly talented Vangaalen cr
CHANGES is back to grace the city with his to
Acres of Lions, The Fall of unique sound. if you haven’t been “
EVERYTHING Summer, Skies Kill graced by his presence before, now’s hi
EVOLUTION, DOORS AT 9 PM, $9 your chance! ab
Back from their cross-Canada tour C
Pe
di
“
client: Lynne Cruz cr
fle
ad name: Applied & Nat Sc
fir
publication: uni/college su
docket #: A1552 W
size: 6" x 7" fro
colour: CMYK ba
images: “
mac artist: Mirabelle Is
so
1st proof due: Mar 9, 2009
W
required: Mar 10, 2009 “T
special notes: also need identical A15523 W
wh
ne
so
“
ou
ho
ov
S
pu
F
Sa

T
A
fri
as
wh
en
“
all
A
sta
of
“
to
sa
to
 The Marmot | April 1, 009 Feature 5

one toe out

natolli. “It’s not so bad, but when I get home and my sock is all covered

“
in blood and other fluids, aw man, it’s go time.”
His love of his fluid-filled toe has made some of his classmates un-
comfortable, though none were willing to talk to The Marmot for fear
of him rubbing his foot all over their books.
WE’RE HERE BECaUSE WE BElIEVE THERE
JESUS SaVES (YoUr toE) IS PlaCE IN THE WORlD FOR PEOPlE WITH
Meanwhile, FUNGI do have opposition in their effort to purposely
cripple the crowds. Rev. Jimmy C. Corn has made it his personal mission INGROWN TOENaIlS!!! Sorry, my phone has a
to rid the campus of bum toes.
“Ingrown toe nails are the touch of Satan,” the reverend says from
shitty connection; I think I need a new wire.
his pulpit. He wouldn’t come down for the entire interview. “God hath - Scott Herbert Ovens, spokesperson, Forever
abandoned those with the leaky foot finger.” Understanding Nails Grow Initiative
Corn has started an advocacy group attacking the pro-pus agenda. The

”
People Against Wet Socks (PAWS) are a small but vocal group trying to
dissuade ingrown toe fetishes.
“We shall strike with the hammer and sword of God! The hammer will
crush thy frothy toe and the sword will permanently separate the foul
flesh from thy body. Then, once we hath cleansed thy wound with the
fire and vinegar, thy toe will return if God believes thou art worthy for pass a criminal background check and religious zealot check, and we’ll
such body parts,” says Corn. let you in.”
When questioned about where the funding for such a group comes FUNGI is not impressed by ITEF’s support.
from and rumours that a company making sandals was a large financial “Ya, kinda seems like they pussied out on us, doesn’t it? Or is that
backer, Corn was evasive. pus-ied out?” says Ovens. “We’re okay, out here on our own. Every truly
“We’ve had no contact with the Birkenstocks whatsoever, none at all. great group has gone through persecution for their beliefs.”
I smite thee!” says Corn. “Although, sandals are what Jesus hath worn, And that’s how FUNGI are going to play this, as persecution of a small
so they shalt be good. But they are still footwear of the Devil.” group of people. They haven’t harmed anyone and simply want to be
When pressed on who might be providing funding, Corn blurted out, left in peace, coveting their pus-covered toes in private.
“Thy name is Crocs!” Ovens hopes others will at least accept them as equals. Equals with a
With the advocacy of FUNGI handled by a slow-moving membership, strange twist on how they like their feet to look, smell, and operate.
what with the limping and the toe pain, and PAWS outfitted in brand “We’ll still be here next year,” proclaims Ovens. “We’ll fight the PAWS
new athletic sandals, it’s led to regular clashing between the groups and and the PAWS won’t win. Ingrown toenails will triumph.”
some rather tragic beatings, followed by thorough disinfection.
“They chase down our members, it’s brutal,” says Ovens. “They crack
our guys in the leg with this thing they call the hammer of god and then
hold them at sword-point. Then they pull out bleach and dump it all
over the toes.”
So far the athletic Annatolli has been able to outrun his religious
pursuers, but only just.
FUNGI are lodging complaints with the UVic Student Society and
Saanich police have been notified of the violent tactics used by PAWS.

THE TOE JAM

A third group has tentatively put their foot forward, but have been
frightened by the aggressive PAWS. The FUNGI splinter group known
as Ingrown Toenail Enamel Fans (ITEF) are a group of FUNGI members
who aren’t clever enough to come up with a witty acronym. They also
enjoy dressing up infected toes.
“We make ‘ittle ‘eple out o ’em,” says ITEF leader Ima Cockney. “They
all ‘ave red, or grey, or blonde ‘air.”
After bailing on Cockney due to the extraordinary difficulty of under-
standing her accent, The Marmot found the only other open member
of ITEF, Haute Guhrl.
“We’re in full support of FUNGI and really hope they come out on
top against PAWS, but we’re scared for our toes with PAWS out there,”
says Guhrl. “Instead, we’re holding paint-ins with anyone who wants
to partake. We’ll paint you’re deformed toenails. All you have to do is
 Opinions The Marmot | April 1, 2009
Girlie soup
Editorial
Feminism gets
womyn handled
Bra burning and going commando might intrigue some women,
but we like to steer clear of feminism. We can now vote, wear
pants, and work any job we feel like. Feminists have done their job,
so shut up about it already and put on some underwear.
What really drives us crazy is when feminists insist on spelling
women as “womyn.” Seriously? Yeah, let’s change the dictionary
to make feminists feel more comfortable with themselves. If we’re
changing it to womyn, then why not “humyn,” “workmyn,” or that
little college down the road called “Camosyn?”
On the other hand, all men are rapists so we can see why the femi-
nism clan would want to stay clear of a rapist title. We wouldn’t
want someone assuming we’re rapists because we’re women, so we
get the point.
If the spelling of womyn doesn’t become official, all women will
roam the town as criminalized rapists. We need to take action now.
Every bathroom, book, or Playboy magazine you come across, take
a sharpie and mark it “womyn.” The people of Dubai black out im-
ages in magazines every day, so why can’t we? What’s with Dubai
letters
people, anyways? The place looks like Futurama and welcomes What lies beneath UVic
celebrities, yet a little bare skin is still not okay? A trip to Dubai As a survivor of the great rab-
would be nice though. bit revolt of 1994 I’ve been hiding
on campus for 15 years. I’ve been
Now we’re confused. What were we talking about again? watching them regroup, working
towards another revolution of ro-
What really grinds our gears is how womyn today are using names dent rampage.
such as “Jordan” or “Kris.” They’re trying to change women to They thought I left. They
womyn, yet womyn are still using names that link to myn . . . oops,
thought I retreated, but I hid,
men.
cowardly, among the buildings,
spying on them.
But if feminists are trying to be treated as equals, why should the I’ve learned their plans, their
spelling be any different? Wouldn’t that mean putting womyn in theories, and their horrible
another separate category? If they want to be treated as equals, vengeful plan for revenge! Reality
then we should have co-ed bathrooms everywhere and jock straps is, rays of this are rare in regular
that fit snug with the ladies too. reports, relieving pressure on the
race to a hare-rising experience.
Feminists are embarrassing to the female race and while they And so I decide to react against
might have neat ideas, we think they should focus their energies this.
on something more mainstream like global warming, due to all At first I wasn’t sure how. I
the bra burning. Or they could go around painting female ducks to knew they were watching me all
look prettier than the more colourful male ones. the time, but I had to do some-
thing. So I began to make them
We’ve always wanted to play rugby or field hockey, however, so disappear. Relying on stealth, I’d
maybe we should join the feminists by cutting our hair, becoming find a lonely bunny, nibbling on a
lesbians, and adding steroids to our cereal so we can fit right in. discarded apple core, or hopping
But all the feminists we’ve met are very nice and personable too.
across the SUB parking lot. I’d
Hmm, we’re in a toss-up here, why don’t you just decide how we
swoop down, like an owl in the
feel on this topic?
night. Silent. Deadly. Peckish.
And that’s when I realized where
Okay, UVic has a fair share of feminists, so be nice to them. They to rid the bodies. In my belly!
have feelings just like the rabbits do, especially the female rabbits. I’ve figured out the best way to
stop the rabbit reckoning day is
But, if you decide to visit the Womyn’s Centre, be cautious of the to make recipes that include re-
free alphabet soup, there have been reports of all the letters miss- connaissance bunnies. I’ve really
ing except for the letter “y.” reconfigured their resilience by
wrapping ribs in rye or roasting
righteous rebels over an open
flame.
So I request my fellow ringlead-
ers to no longer renege on this
riveting rabbit rampage, and to
not eat them raw.
While I don’t relish the ren-
dering dead of reams of rodent, I
realize there is a rational reason
for such a response. I’ve resolved
to reply to this rabbitarian rally
with the requisite retribution.
So relay this message to all you
can, I’ll be running a refuge for
those affected by this affront to
our region’s residents. We’ll re-
cover with rabbatouille and rum.
We retake the rightful spot as
reigning species of this realm.
Routinely we’re required to re-
Editorial ideas are decided by the drunk staff at our weekly editorial move our rights in order to rec-
meeting Mondays at 12:34 am in the Marmot office (SUB dungeon), oncile responsibilities to crea-
down that bright hallway that looks like a hospital wing. Editorials are tures. I say no more; I revoke
written by one or more staff and have a tendency to take every stance those revisions and restate our
possible and are not necessarily the opinion of all staff members, but raison d’être.
sometimes are. This is not an R-rated rant; it is
DJ Binakistan graphic
a reason to rage out against a re-
theMARMOT
The University of Victoria’s Fake Newspaper
pulsive notion that our freedom
may be rented from rodents. Managing Editor
But right now, we really need to Gayson Sures
revisit this rascally recipe:
The Cottontail Cawl Editor-in-Chief
Ingredients: Asset Cockman
1 bunny
1 big, sliced onion Copy Editor
3 leeks Palin Quiffer
2 medium sliced beets
Production Co-ordinator
1 medium zucchini
Flaila Green
1 small eggplant
2 tablespoons chopped thyme Web Editor
6 small potatoes Gate Ravers
Pinch of salt
4 pints (8 cups) H20 Advertising Directors
If in season cabbage, etc. can all Gayson Sures
be used. Wimmy Nunchuck
Directions: Geeana Larry
Chop the fat off the meat as
much as possible, coat with cold Staff Writers
liquid and add salt. Boil the mix Gay Ajomo
and then seethe slowly for one Clamato Cassanova
hour, then leave it to get cold and Burger King
skim off all the fat. Put in all the
vegetables except one leek, pota- Graphics Editors
toes, and half the thyme, envelop Casey Cushman
and bubble slowly for one hour, DJ Binakistan
then add the potatoes cut in half
and continue cooking an addi- Photo Editor
tional 20 minutes. Add what’s Shortknee Darke
left of the thyme, taste the sea-
Distribution Managers
soning, and finely chop the bonus
DJ Binakistan
leek on top. Let it cook five min-
Moore Please
utes and serve. Some families use
it as a Belgian pot-au-feu; that is, Contributors
they dole out the plain soup first, Gay Ajomo, DJ Binakistan, Pixie
then the meat and vegetables as a Bunnyfield, Asset Cockman,
second component. Usually Cawl Clamoto Casanova, Casey Cush-
was eaten in wooden bowls with man, Da Tee Est, Shortknee
wooden spoons so that there was Darke, JF Kennedy III, Burger
no fear of sizzling the mouth. King, Mole Litherington, Jenna
Feeds 4–6. Talia.
Tipper Lally
Underneath UVic
The Marmot Publishing Society is a
Happy? Sad? fake BC society and is not a member
Upset stomach? of Canadian University Press (CUP).
Diarrhea? We strive to act as an agent of
ridiculous social change and we will
Tell us: letters@marmot.ca not hesitate to print offensive copy.
The Marmot has an open
letters policy and will Marmot (SUB Dungeon)
endeavor to print every letter P.U. Box 6969
received from the university University of Victoria
community, no matter how Victoria, B.C. V1V 1V1
ridiculous it is. Letters must be Newsroom: 250.YAY.LAME
submitted by email, include
Editor: 250.MAR.MOTS
your real name, mother’s
Business: 250.FUC.KOFF
maiden name, and your credit
Advertising: 250.BUN.NIES
card information. Letters
Fax: 250.BEE.EEEP
must be 200 words or less.
www.marmotnewspaper.com

UVic rugby players proudly proclaim sexuality
Gay Ajomo
With representatives of UVic’s
Proud Collective at their side, a
group of UVic Frothing Rabbits
rugby players recently announced
at a small press conference at
Felicity’s that they enjoy sexual
intimacy with the same sex.
The four players took some
time away from the rugby field to
spend time with The Marmot and
talk about their recent decision to
proudly let the world know that
being gay and the testosterone-
fueled sport of rugby can finally
co-exist.
“I love the way it feels to be in
a close huddle with all my boys,”
says Bob Bailey, one of the play-
ers.
Bailey said the reason why he
started playing rugby was to rub
against the sweat of other men
and to get closer to his father, a
former rugby player and Frothing
Rabbits legend.
“My dad is my inspiration for
playing rugby. I love rugby, so I
told the world about my sexual
preference,” says Bailey. “Now
that I’ve done both, my dad might
forget about the time I put my
hand on his thigh. I was young
and confused!”
UVic feminist athletes to watch for
Billie-Jean Jones
Womyn’s bodybuilder
Age: 19
Hometown: Nelson, BC
High school: l.V. rogers Secondary
UVic program: Engineering
MARMOT
JOBS
Want to work at the Marmot?
We’re hiring for our office Bitch
positions. think you have what it takes?
Check out the job description at:
A group of Frothing Rabbits getting hot and steamy in a scrum against the Velox Vikings. Though it’s
denied by most players, rugby scrums are the number two area of homosexual activity in the city, just
edging out the bushes in Beacon Hill Park.
The other proud players also to finally break free of the com-
share similarities in regards to ing-out-of-the-closet shackles.
their love of rugby and their need “It was really hard keeping my
What were your personal goals this
year?
To capture gold in the national bodybuild-
ing championships and advocate for my
new extreme feminist movement, Womyn
Dominating Womyn.
What are your team goals?
Um, dude, it’s bodybuilding. It’s not a
team sport.
What have been your highlights so far as
a UVic athlete?
Meeting my wife, Nina, in the gym. She’s
great. After work, if I come home and there’s
no dinner ready, or if she’s ironing my span-
dex with cold water on the medium heat
setting, she should expect a couple of hours
with me down in the dungeon. Not using
the low heat setting when ironing spandex
deserves a little bit of good, old-fashioned
punishment.
Tell us more about the feminist move-
ment, Womyn Dominating Womyn?
Womyn Dominating Womyn was formed
in 1995 by former UVic student Agatha Hel-
en and has seen its humble days as a 6 by
6 dungeon in the basement of the Student
Union Building transform into a National
foundation with over 25,000 members.
Okay, so what’s your role on the team?
Dude, I told you, there is no team!
www.marmotnewspaper.com
The Marmot | April 1, 009 Opinions 7
and plus I was already really hard
because I just had rugby prac-
tice.”
As a result of their recent an-
nouncement, the four men have
experienced some discrimination
at local nightclubs, once consid-
ered safe hangouts for rugby play-
ers across the city.
Meanwhile, Prizm and Shhh-
hhh!, two local gay-friendly es-
tablishments, have welcomed the
young men into their clubs with
open arms.
But despite their recent setbacks
in the nightclub scene, the young
men will continue to be who they
are, and will continue to fight for
the Frothing Rabbits as they go
for another city championship
against long time neighboring ri-
vals, the Velox Vikings.
The referee stopped the last
match between these two teams
after a brawl broke out in the
second half, which started after
Bailey and Smythe were caught
prOVided phOtO taking pictures of the opposing
players’ bulges in the scrum with
their cell phone cameras.
After a brief investigation by
Saanich Police, the opposing
sexuality a secret,” says Jonah players dropped all charges and
Smythe. “Really hard knowing decided it was “more flattery than
that so many people didn’t know, anything else.”
What were your personal goals this
year?
To be a good bottom for my power-top,
Billie-Jean, and to help to promote the ac-
tivist group, Womyn Dominating Womyn.
What are your team goals?
I’m not sure what you mean. Like the team
of me and Billie-Jean?
What have been your highlights so far
at UVic?
Well, meeting my wife. Billie-Jean is the
best. Sometimes she gets really angry and
yells at me, but we always have great kink
sessions afterwards. Being part of Womyn
Dominating Womyn has really helped our
sex lives.
Tell us more about the feminist move-
ment, Womyn Dominating Womyn?
I don’t know much about the history, but I
do spend a lot of time handing out flyers.
Nina Corrina Okay, so what’s your role on the team?
Age: 19 What team?!
Hometown: Victoria, BC
High school: Vic High
UVic program: performing Arts
UVic feminist athletes to watch for
is written by Gay Ajomo, a fifth-year
journalism student and honorary lifetime
intern with The Marmot.
theMARMOT
announcement:
With marmots being so rare, we’ve
just sold our newspaper mascot
at a profit to a local wildlife group.
Instead we now have a customized
rabbit. We just chopped off the ears, a little bit
of sewing, and presto!
Go to www.marmotnewspaper.com for more info.
Thank you.
 The Marmot | April 1, 2009  grafx@marmotnewspaper.com Comics
Chessfart — By DJ Binakistan

JF Kennedy III

Mucous — By Casey Cushman

PunchMouth — By DJ Binakistan