Fiddleford Council Environmental Services

Exterminating...
Pest Control Department Just for
Fact Sheet you!!

MULTIVERSAL HOPPERS
(Abbrev: M. Hoppers. Latin Name: Barbitistes electronicus)

Please note - this is NOT an advert. Lifecycle & Habits

M. Hoppers can reproduce much like other members of their
Pictured left: The Roy order. Eggs are laid on paper, where the miniature M.
Wells’ Collage of Music Hoppers (nymphs) emerge and immediately start feeding. As
donation form goes the they grow they moult through several instar stages, reaching
adulthood within a few weeks, when they are able to fly and
same way as too many
find mates.
other documents & files - Adult M. Hoppers leave visible marks on paper, (rather like
consumed by M. high-resolution inkjet printing) which convey information to
Hoppers. Protect with other M. Hoppers, much as mammals’ scent markers convey
“DryDoc”TM hopper- information to other mammals. Though these marks are
repellent formulas small and almost invisible to the human eye, they are
(universal patents applied detectable by high-quality digital cameras and scanners. M.
Hoppers have evolved to take advantage of this by
for), by Galaxo Smith-
incorporating highly detailed codes into these marks, which
Swine Plc (who use only through scanning and photography then invade computers.
natural ingredients). These codes create digital versions of the M. Hoppers who
Use “DryDoc”TM today. left them which behave in a comparable way to their
biological homologues. They intercept and absorb the
Because your work is worth saving!! electrical impulses by which computers operate, and thereby
increase their byte sizes, whereby they can navigate through
Other common names: PC and web-based filing systems.
- Virtual Space-Hoppers Put simply, M. Hoppers access systems via peripheral
- Universal Locusts devices (especially MFD’s) and proceed opportunistically to
- Digital Crickets exploit all router, portal, micro-filter, MIDI, ethernet and
- Digital Space Locusts other connecting systems, by imitating computer protocol
- Cyber Super-bugs and hyper-text, while bypassing dongle, firewall and other
- Interfacing Super-bugs such systems. They are able to upgrade and exchange digital
- Cyber Cicadas information with each other to help them adapt to new
- Millenium Super-bugs developments in software and hardware protection, thus
- Multiversal Cyber Super-Cicadas rendering patches useless.
- Scumbags
The digitally reconfigured individuals can transmit codes
Distribution - Wide! onto computer printouts which can then be read by any
Just as mice are difficult to eradicate due to their expert ability to analogue M. Hopper who chances to land on the paper. It is
gnaw escape holes into adjacent but hard to reach spaces within thought that though the analogue M. Hoppers are not able to
buildings which they connect in elaborate ways, so multiversal interpret this information directly, they can, through some
space hoppers gnaw holes through space into adjacent universes. kind of inbuilt digital decoding device, encrypt the
Their life cycle has both physical and electronic stages which is information into their DNA. This helps reconfigure the
why they can cause mayhem in both actual and digital space. DNA of the subsequent generation.
It is not certain how they evolved in this way, related as they are They can also use audio signals to invade computers in a
to common grass hoppers and locusts which do not have a virtual similar way. The M. Hoppers “sing” much like other
life stage, nor are able to bore through space. It is thought that members of their order - by rubbing body parts together,
perhaps individuals may have escaped from laboratories especially during mating. (Think about the noise you get
experimenting in bio-electrical engineering. (Galaxo Smith- when you accidentally phone a fax number. This is very
Swine disassociates itself from any such research.)
much the same sound M. Hoppers make). These signals can
be picked up by a digital microphone linked to a computer
Sponsored by (using a Musical Instrument Digital Interface (MIDI) system
Galaxo Smith-Swine Plc or voice recognition software). Signals can be passed back
the other way from such equipment through speakers and
(who use only natural ingredients) heard and decoded by analogue M. Hoppers.
GSS Plc
Treatments
Various control methods have been tried, including cyber-
analogue interfacing nano-robots, oligo-directional anti-
gravitational field generators and sticky paper. However, by
far the best method to date is to spray with “DryDoc”TM
hopper - repellent formula (universal patents applied for), by Galaxo Galaxo
Smith-Swine Plc Smith-Swine Plc
Galaxo Smith-Swine Plc (who use only natural ingredients). (Who use only (Who use only
natural natural
For paper protection, use “DryDoc-p”TM hopper-repellent ingredients) ingredients)
formula (universal patents applied for), by Galaxo Smith- DryDoc-eTM DryDoc-pTM
Swine Plc (who use only natural ingredients), which works Electrical Paper
M. Hopper M. Hopper
partly by excluding moisture from your documents. M.
Repellant Repellant
Hoppers prefer damp paper. In a similar way, the electrical
formula “DryDoc-e”TM hopper-repellent formula (universal
patents applied for), by Galaxo Smith-Swine Plc (who use
only natural ingredients), works as a moisture repellent
much like a regular switch cleaner but also penetrates deep
into your documents, eradicating any emotive and fanciful Prognosis
language which M. Hoppers thrive on. M. Hoppers detest Individual hoppers are like most insects in terms of
dryness of any kind, hence legal and technical documents their behaviour (in so far as this follows genetically
and fact sheets (such as this one) are usually safe. Much of
determined and predictable patterns), much as if they
the scare-mongering concerning the “millenium bug” as year
were elegantly programmed mini robots following a
2,000 approached is thought to have created favourable
conditions for B. Electronicus which proliferated at that
few simple rules, without the capacity for conscious
time. * decision-making.
On mass however, the swarm behaves more like a
Children and staff at Fiddleton primary school were sentient organism capable of self-awareness. In fact,
devastated when M. Hoppers from p=5π-7 infested their PC’s one swarm recently from p=7π -11 obtained an Honours
on which was stored their favourite folk tales and works by Degree in modern languages from Goldsmiths College
many children’s authors. Squirrel Nutkin lost all of his London (majoring in Scouse). However, an individual
acorns as a result and Jack’s beanstalk was gnawed clean M. Hopper would probably not be able to conjugate a
through before he could reach the pot of gold. Treatment Scouse verb, even if it’s life depended on it.
with “DryDoc-e”TM hopper-repellent formula (universal Another swarm is currently conducting research on its
patents applied for), by Galaxo Smith-Swine Plc (who use own social structure and traditions, and on the
only natural ingredients), sorted the problem however. implications of modern day hoppers trying to maintain
their cultural identity and lifestyle (infesting filing
Now Squirrel Nutkin is a straight ahead kind of guy, keeping cabinets and causing havoc among computer networks
Owl’s ledger files in order and never forgetting where his throughout the multiverse) but in a more socially
nuts are stashed. Jack got a good price at the market for his responsible way.
wares. Though he was never rich, he somehow muddled M. Hoppers are indeed fascinating, adaptable and
through, and lived non-adventurously though contentedly resourceful little creatures and it is hoped one day that
with his mother for the rest of his life. we may be able to learn a considerable amount from
them which will be of great benefit to mankind. But
* Please note that this paragraph regarding the use of “DryDoc-e”TM
applies mainly to PC’s and files stored thereupon. Macs are normally in the meantime SPRAY THE BASTARDS!!
waterproof and therefore less prone to infestation. ** SPRAY THE BASTARDS!!
** Please also note that the above point about Macs being waterproof and
therefore less prone to infestation does not truthfully represent Apple Macintosh
computers, but was included by Galaxo Smith-Swine Plc (who use only natural
ingredients) merely as a humorous and whimsical diversion from what is after
all a rather pedestrian and dry subject.
Galaxo Smith-Swine Plc would also like to disassociate themselves from any of
the aforementioned bio-electrical engineering research which it is rumoured
may have given rise to Barbitistes electronicus in the first instance before the
whole issue of any known or even suspected space hopper infestation
phenomena had been known or even suspected off of even. However, given the
current climate of suspicion concerning multi-corporate chemical and drug
companies it is important to bear in mind the necessity for good public relations
and bonhomie. Here is a picture of the kind of damage Barbitistes electronicus
can cause in the early stage of infestation.
Ga
Sm laxo
i
(W th-S

Sponsored by h o w in
N us e P
ing atur e on ly lc
r
Dr edi al
y D en
oc- ts)

Galaxo Smith-Swine Plc M. Pape p TM

Re Hopp
pel er
lan
r

(who use only natural ingredients)

GSS Plc Fiddleford Council would like to assure the public
that no animals were harmed during the making of this fact sheet.