Katherine Wang 3/2/11 Period 4 Greek Mythology Newspaper Article Zeus: January Beware: youll find yourself in a situation

where your wife hires an all-seeing guy to guard your lover turned cow. Get someone who can bore him to death with an artichoke in sock story. Hera: February Be precautionary. A nymph will come tell you that hes home (not cheating on you), waiting patiently for you. LIES. Punish her by turning her into an echo. Destroy that patient spouse Poseidon: March Idiots will insult your son. Be creative in ways to destroy them: like making sure they go where Scylla can eat them and Charybdis can suck in whirlpools, killing thempainfully. Athena: April Shes a better weaver than you. Heck, NO! You won the contest; she suicides and you change her to a spider or dance around screaming, I WON! WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW? Aphrodite: May They ask you to help this unmarried guy. Persuading, he then wants to sculpt you. OK You turn this statue alive in the end and he marries it. You really helped. Hades: June

Youll get your true love. Kidnap and happily live in your domain with your newlywed. Negotiations that deal with the human extinction occur, but hey, you still got your love! Ares: July Youll be mocked. Guys chain you up and stuff you in an urn. You saved no one, showed no courage, nothing. Your half-sister got all the glory while you screamed a lot. Hermes: August Naughty! You stole your brothers cows! Of course, he found out and almost destroyed you, but you gave him an awesome lyre and he settled down. Score one for the boys back home. Artemis: September So what, a guy will see you bathing! So it will be appropriate to change him into a deer and let his dogs kill him. Merciless. Apollo: September You want her, so GET her. Yet, she doesnt want you. So she will get turned into a tree. Remember her with a laurel wreath. Shes stuck as a TREE you know. Hephaestus: October Youre ugly. But, luck will change, and you will be married to the most beautiful woman. Lets keep that luck. Demeter: November A GUY WILL CHASE YOU. He makes you a horse but his pride made him go away and stop messing with you. Now you can be in peace. Party! Dionysus: December A guy will save a friend. Award him whatever he wishes, however stupid it is. Hell learn all right.

Katherine Wang 3/9/2011 Period 4 Greek Mythology Article #2: Classified/Help Wanted Head for Sale: Medusas head is for sale. It is able to petrify your enemies and create free lawn decorations. Please keep away from children, for it will probably kill them. Dont look directly at it so you dont, well, yeah. It does look really ugly, but this will add to effect. Price is negotiable. Call me at 555-PERCY if you are interested. Help Wanted: I need some help destroying this pig because its huge, tramples people, has big, menacing horns, and probably will kill me. Please be prepared to get critically injured or die a painful death. Bring some supplies and first aid for Ill have no Band-Aids and chewy bars on me. Call me at 1800-MELEAG. Looking For Love: Im young and male and around six-feet tall. Im famous for my twelve labors and act as a renowned hero. I love unicorns and flowers, but a bit asocial, for lots of people avoid me. It might be because I murdered my previous wife and children during an uncontrollable rage. Anyways, please email me at heracles@godmail.com.

People Needed: I need seven men and seven women to be sacrificed to my half-man, half-bull son who wants some meat. Be prepared to be ripped limb to limb and eaten savagely after wandering blindly in a labyrinth where NO ONE HAS EVER ESCAPED. Email me (unicornwantsaburrito@me.com) or call me at 555-MINOS. Eye for Sale: I got this big eye for sale. You see, we were sailing around and we found this Cyclops so we decided to blind it to escape its cave. Its big, and, well, big. It sometimes stares and follows you around the room, but I guess its supposed to do that. There really is no use for it, except maybe decoration or a playground ball. Im hoping I can get at least a grand for this. Email me at odysseushasaneyeforsalebecausehesscaredfromitstaringathimallthetime@godmail.com. Bag of Winds for Rent: I have this sack containing all evil winds. You probably want to rent if youre going to want to go out on a sailing trip or something. You see, it removes all those annoying gusts that send you off course and you can sail smoothly to your destination. Because I treasure my windbag (bag of winds, not likewhatever you were thinking), Im setting it at two grand an hour. You better not lose it. Call me at 1-WINDBAG.