2521 Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person.

It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden. It is ordered to chastity to whose sensitivity it bears witness. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity. 2522 Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one's choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet. 2523 There is a modesty of the feelings as well as of the body. It protests, for example, against the voyeuristic explorations of the human body in certain advertisements, or against the solicitations of certain media that go too far in the exhibition of intimate things. Modesty inspires a way of life which makes it possible to resist the allurements of fashion and the pressures of prevailing ideologies. 2524 The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person.CCC Uh oh, Look out You got me started! A four hour kissing session that doesnt inspire lust??!! You cannot hold hands without inspiring lust, but you can kiss for four hours without inspiring lust? Hmmmm, what are you? A robot? I dont think I know even a married couple that could kiss that long and passionately, and entertain only chaste thoughts. I hope you do know that lust is sinful, even in the marital embrace. For if you dont then that there is your difficulty with understanding what we are posting here. Danger! Danger! Danger!

It is in your mindset, Michael. What is the intent in your kiss? Is it to tell your partner that you love and respect her or to have a pleasurable experience? I can assure you that even if your intent is to tell her you love and respect her, that message is not the message that you are really giving her. For kissing that goes beyond being sweet and chaste, is risking lust rising in your partners heart. Now you can claim you have complete control of lust arising in your own heart, and that long delicious kisses will not arise lust in your heart, but you cannot be assured that that will be the case in your partners heart, even if she tells you that it is not. You have no control over her feelings, why tempt her? Why would you want to do that to her if you love her? Why? What other dangerous experiences would you have no problem leading her into? Would you encourage her to do drugs? I mean, they are pleasurable too. Many people will assure you that they are not harmful. But is the damage drugs do to a body a matter of perception? Or do they really actually do damage? Michael, Lust damages a persons soul, and their relationship with God more then drugs can damage a body. Just because you do not perceive it as damaging, does not mean the damage is not being done, anymore then the alcoholic who does not perceive that his/her drinking damages his/her liver, is not damaging their liver. How about if she were diabetic? Would you offer her high carb foods or foods loaded with sugar to eat? Such foods are pleasurable, and many can make positive contributions to her health. But if she were diabetic, and in denial, would you participate in eating such foods with her? Would that be a loving gesture do you think? Just because she perceives that those foods would not harm her, does not mean they do not harm her. They would harm her no matter what she believed about it. I would hope you would consider the loving thing to do would be to help her accept her disease, not accept her denial and poor care as something that she has a right to believe in, and then participate in it with her. This is what we are trying to show you Michael. That even though you do not believe such behavior is harmful, does not mean it is not harming you.

It is. And claiming that you believe it does not harm you, makes it no less harmful. Try to pretend that what we are saying here is true. Think about it. It actually makes sense, if your goal is indeed to draw closer to God in this life. Pope John Paul II did a series of homilies over a number of years, he felt it that important. Why would such a great man waste so much time on such topics, if it were not true? It has been my personal experience, and I think logical understanding that if one kisses with the others best interest in mind, that of love and respect, the kissing does not last long. Kisses that last long are to pursue the pleasure of the kiss, which in the marital embrace is not a bad thing, because after a certain period of time the inevitable next step either does or does not take place. If it does not take place, then the kissing stops. There is nothing wrong with sexual pleasure, nothing at all, within its proper context. The Nuptial Embrace. But the nuptial embrace, although includes pleasure, does not have pleasure as its goal. The goal of the nuptial embrace is to strengthen the marital bond, and may also include procreation. The pleasurable parts of the nuptial embrace are simply a wonderful side benefit. You, however, in kissing, do not have the goal of strengthening a marital bond. You have no marital bond at this time, so you cannot strengthen it with wonderful delicious kisses. So Michael, what is your goal? What is the purpose of your kisses? Sexual pleasure can draw a couple very close in a marriage. Outside of a marriage, even if it stops way short of intercourse, sexual pleasure is poison to the soul. For, as others have stated, it is risking your soul, and the soul of your partner in the activity. And quite frankly taking risks with each others souls does not in the least bit smack of love. It comes down to this Michael, it is clear you do not accept that lust is a sin. Have you ever really tried to understand why it is? Courtship is designed to help you discern God's will in the vocation of marriage, and to keep hearts as safe as possible in the process. Courting has several basic assumptions that are sometimes absent in dating:

1. The purpose of 'going out' with a member of the opposite sex is to determine if that person would make a compatible spouse. This means that you don't go out with people you would never marry (even if they have the most darling dimples you've ever seen!). This requires you to KNOW what things you're looking for in a spouse. Things like religious beliefs, views on marriage and family (including children and family roles), etc. should be right up at the top of your list along with the things we normally think of: they make me laugh, we can have really good conversations, etc. If you think the world of Susie Creamcheese, but she's incredibly irresponsible, you don't go out with her unless you are, for some incomprehensible reason, fishing for an irresponsible spouse. If you get along great with Jimbo, but he never wants to be burdened with children, that means you don't pursue a relationship with Jimbo that can't culminate in a Catholic marriage that welcomes children. You think about these things BEFORE you get in too deep. (Not going out with people you would never marry also means that you don't go out with people who CANNOT marry you. It would be nice if this went without saying, but these days it doesn't seem like common sense to NOT go out with people who are still married in the eyes of the Church, such as divorced people or people who are indeed still married but separated or "going to get divorced.") Getting to know someone is a process of discovery and you of course may not know of a mismatch between you and another person right away, but once you do discover a problem you have to react in an honest way. It's irresponsible and unkind to the other person to continue on when you know there is no foreseeable future of marriage. Holding on in hopes that the other person will change is dishonest. Most people break up or stop seeing each other when they can see there isn't a future. Courting involves the same, but keeps the end of marriage in mind at all times. 2. If you're not in a position to move forward with making another person your spouse in a reasonable amount of time, you don't go out with people to see if they would make a good spouse. This means no games. Hearts aren't playthings. It's irresponsible to nurture a relationship and get emotionally tied up with someone if you don't intend to do anything about it. Courting is a relatively short-term activity. If you aren't ready and willing to take on a spouse in the near future, you have no business acting like you are. Our outward actions should match our intentions. Sometimes dating goes on for many, many years, as if dating itself is an end. It becomes a passive process where sometimes it moves forward and sometimes it stalls out somewhere. There's often lots of in-between time when the two people may have no guidance or direction in where their relationship is going, and perhaps eventually they may realize they've been going in two different directions all along: "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else." (Yogi Berra). A former colleague of mine discovered this after having been with her boyfriend for over ten years. Looking back, she wondered, "What was I doing all that time?" When two people are courting, however, they are actively seeking a spouse, actively discerning

whether or not they've hit a dead end or should move forward. Both people begin on the same page, looking in the same direction. If something doesn't work out it shouldn't feel like it's been a waste of your time. So, if you don't know if you want to get married or know that you don't want to get married for a long period of time, you do others the courtesy of not appearing interested in finding an intimate relationship. You don't start relationships you can't follow up on, and you don't waste the time of someone who is looking for a spouse. You have to be consistent and honest about what you are or are not willing to do. Related to this, if you're lonely and looking for companionship but don't want to get married just yet, you're in need of friends, not a girlfriend/boyfriend. One can never have enough friends. 3. Avoid inappropriate intimacy. Appropriate intimacy in courting of course involves remaining chaste, but it also involves avoiding putting yourself in intense, high-pressure one-on-one situations with a person of the other sex. The question courting advocates ask is "Why would you want to create an intimate situation with someone before you know them well, before you're sure of their intentions, their character?" Yet, these are common in dating scenarios, where two nearstrangers spend lots of time together focusing on one another in a kind of unnatural bubble, while at the same time probably acting nervous or unnatural in an attempt to impress. In those situations, people may be tempted to become overly familiar, or intimate, with someone before really getting to know them, when this intimacy doesn't match their current level of committment. Creating a sense of intimacy isn't the way to start building a relationship or to start getting to know someone. Intimacy is the closeness and familiarity that is the result of the kind of exclusive, life-long committment that will exist between you and your spouse. Because intimacy is meant to be paired with marriage, and because it isn't wise to invite a near-stranger with levels of intimacy that could approach an exclusive, life-long committment, there has to be another way to initially get to know someone. What's recommended here is that you get to know someone, as a friend first, in a lower-pressure, group setting where both of you are also interacting with other people. Interacting in a broader scenario can help you see the person in a more realistic light than one that starts with exclusivity. You can see how they interact with and treat others (whom they aren't trying to impress), and the other person can see the same of you. It also ensures that you have some common interests and create common associates. By getting to know someone in a broader context than a one-on-one date you can also reap the benefits of input from others. Sometimes infatuation is blind. If you invite someone you're interested in to do things with your friends and family, people whose judgment you trust, they can give you their impressions about that person. If they know you well, they will probably have a good idea about what kind of person might be a good match for you. If spending time with your friends and family is important to you, it's also

important for you to be able to spend time with them AND the person you (may) become involved with at the same time. Developing a relationship in a bubble and then trying to integrate that relationship into your normal life can be problematic. I know someone whose friends hate his fiance and whose future in-laws hate him, and I wonder how this is going to play out when they, as a married couple, want to do something with someone other than each other. Will she try to keep him away from his buddies, and will he try to avoid them spending time with her family? I also wonder if her family or his friends might have seen something that the other person should have been concerned about. Sometimes people don't have good reasons for not liking someone's boyfriend/girlfriend, but sometimes they're concerned for good reasons. If we don't ask, we might not notice until it's too late. So, in the realm of courting, when is it appropriate to be exclusive and to start to develop real closeness? Well, combining these principles, when in getting to know someone you know a person has some of the qualities you're looking for in a spouse (and none of the non-negotiable red flags) and when both you and the other person are in a place to reasonably pursue a marriage relationship and are willing to do so (and of course you are interested in and attracted to the person!), you ease forward to the actual courting. On the outside, actual courting looks a lot like the traditional understanding of dating, as it involves two people spending a bit more time together. On the inside, it is a process of discerning the vocation of marriage- both a continuance of discerning the call and the practicalities as well as the beginning of the more romantic wooing stage which, if all goes well, leads to engagement, etc. There aren't necessarily strict lines between stages-as with any human relationship, a courtship is organic and may work slightly differently with different people while still keeping the same principles. First and foremost, ANY type of sexual with, outside of marriage, and some, even inside marriage, is a GRAVE OFFENSE, a.k.a. MORTAL SIN. This includes: -Masturbation -Fornification -Pornography -Pedophilia -Sexual Abuse -Contraception -Etc.Etc. 1. First and foremost, get thee to a confessional! It can be embarassing to think about confessing sexual sins, but it must be done and you will feel much better after having done so. Trust me. Things to remember about confession: 1) While mortal sins are to be confessed in kind and number, you needn't provide details outside of that unless they are pertinent to the gravity of your sins or to something else you are discussing with the priest. God knows the details- he was there. You

just have to fess up to it in terms clear enough for the priest to have an idea of what you are confessing. If you are unsure, ask. 2) The priest is bound by the seal of confession not to disclose anything you tell him to anyone else. 3) If you are worried that the priest will think differently of you, I will share one story that I was once told of a priest who was asked the same question. His response was that he did think differently - he had much respect for the person who was more concerned with the state of his soul and reconciling with God than what the priest would think of him. Is there something else that is stopping you from going to confession? I honestly think that this sacrament is the first step, and is to be revisited often as one continues to struggle and build up more defenses against the sins of impurity. Don't ever be afraid to go to confession. Remember that it's there for your benefit and not only cleanses you from your sins but gives you strength through grace that will help you as you resolve to sin no more. Once you have been to confession, frequent reception of the Eucharist will also help strengthen you. 2. Make regular practice of prayer asking for help, asking for the prayers of others, and talking to God about your struggles and listening for his reply. 3. Distance yourself from those things which tempt you to sexual sin. For some this means not watching certain TV channels or programs, avoiding certain magazines, averting the eyes, keeping away from environments where unchastity is promoted, etc. This may require some hard choices and changes in your life. 4. Try to find others who will support you. Chastity is infinitely easier if others are looking out for your chastity as well. It's nice to have friends who will advise me honestly on whether or not an outfit is modest, or who will change the channel if they know that the next TV program that has come on is unacceptable to me and what I'm trying to do. Sometimes it's hard to find people who understand and at first you may get some resistence from friends (see #3) but good friends will often try to help you when they see that it is really important to you and when they know how they can help.

Pray. Pray when faced with temptation, and pray to not be lead into temptaion in the first place.

- Avert your eyes. There is a lot of stuff out there that will catch your eye, but don't let yourself dwell on it. Make yourself look away. - Keep a distraction handy. Perhaps keep a rosary in your pocket? I read in another thread that you are trying to pray the rosary at night... Good for you on that. If you have it on you through out the day, whenever you catch your mind wandering places it ought not wander, you can pull it out and say a couple quiet Hail Marys to yourself. - Know your weaknesses. Be honest with yourself, and try to know where, when, and how you are tempted, and

then avoid those situations. This isn't always completely possible, but little things can make big differences. If you have trouble staying on appropriate webpages, try to only use the computer when other people are around. If you have trouble in bed before you fall asleep, don't drink any soda near bedtime, so you can get to sleep sooner. - Exercise. Trust me on this one. Maybe you could add some simple daily workout stuff with your daily rosary before bed? - Take it one day at a time. If you find yourself daunted or discouraged by the prospect

of "never again", just think of today. As difficult as it may get, can you make it through today? "There may come a day where the hearts of man will fail, but today is not that day..." Many people have been able to overcome very serious addictions by just taking it one day at a time. Living Chastity

1. 2. 3. 4.

Know why you want to waitbe educated about chastity. Be bold and vocal about your decisionprepared for peer pressure. Find a friend and mentor to support yoube held accountable. Be selective about whom you date and your friendsfind people who encourage you. 5. Leave un-healthy relationships and find support to not return. 6. Communicate openly about sex, respect and chastity early in a relationship. 7. Set physical limits/boundaries with each person you date. 8. Plan dates to avoid surprise situations where you might be uncomfortable. 9. Avoid the use of drugs and alcoholthey decrease your ability to make good choices. 10. Avoid movies, activities and music that are sexually oriented or explicit. 11. Avoid long periods of time alone and the strong temptation to be sexually active. 12. Never view pornographywhich completely devalues sex & makes women into objects for pleasure only. This is very damaging to healthy sexuality. 13. Think of your future spouse at tempting moments. 14. Confess when you faileither in small ways or big ways. 15. Stay close to Godseek His help: PRAY (this most important)!

Men:

Dont fall for stereotypesbecoming a man is not connected with sex. Ignore guys who make fun of you. Encourage women to dress modestlycompliment a lady for her personality and when shes in sweats, not just when shes wearing something sexy. Use sexual energy in healthy wayssuch as sports, hobbies, etc.

Women:

Be prepared to answer stupid lines: o If you love me you would do itIf you love me, you wouldnt pressure or ask. o Everybody else is doing itGood, then it will be easy to find someone else. o Dont you love meYeah, thats why Im saying no. And, I love God and respect myself more. o I wont get you pregnant or give you a diseaseExactly, because I wont have sex with you. o I might marry youGood, then we can enjoy this on our wedding night. o If you dont, Ill move onNice knowing you, bye bye. Dress appropriatelylive modestly, from the inside out. When we dress provocatively, it is very difficult for men to see us as whole people, instead of just a few body parts. We deserve complete respectnot to be looked at as an object or abused in a guys mind.