Fabric of A Family

fabric of a
family
a photojournalism project by Goh Chay Teng & Quah Dai Wei Jason
1 | FABRIC OF A FAMILY
FOREWORD
H
aving grown up in middle class two-parent Chinese households, we are very much part of typical Singaporean families, at least according to former Parliamentary Secretary Chan Soo Sen. Man, wife and children living in the same household, was how Mr Chan described the Singaporean family in 1999. The statement drew criticism back then and it is sure to raise more than a few eyebrows today. While the majority of households conform to the nuclear family archetype, the world, including Singapore, has moved on since then. Along with economic and technological advancement, society has evolved. The family, the basic unit of every society, has also changed. When we looked more closely at the people around us, we saw families led by a single parent, or even no parents. We saw households where its members were not bonded by blood ties but still appear to be as happy and loving as a normal family. We started to wonder what makes these families tick, and whether they were really so different from us. It was with this in mind that we embarked on our journey to discover, regardless of national definition or endorsement, the inner lives of these unconventional families and households. From learning about how family members separated by geography maintain their relationships to how a father begins his journey as a single parent, we came to realise that most differences are minor. Beyond superficial differences, all families go through similar challenges and share one thing that binds them togetherlovethe essential thread that makes up the patchwork that is the modern Singaporean family. We are grateful to the people who have opened up their lives to us and we hope that through our photographs, we will allow them to enter yours.
All Photographs and Text 2013 Goh Chay Teng Quah Dai Wei Jason Design by Goh Chay Teng Quah Dai Wei Jason A Photojournalism Final Year Project for the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information, Nanyang Technological University All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner in any medium, or transmitted by any means whatsoever, electronic or mechanical (including photocopy, film or video recording, Internet posting, or any other information storage and retrieval system), without the prior permission of the authors. Written and published in 2013.
GOING THE DISTANCE

Globalisation is shrinking the world, but with many companies sending their employees overseas, it is also increasing the distance between spouses. A couples love is stretched as they seek to maintain a long-distance relationship.
TWO BECOME ONE (previous page): It has been nine months since Diana Ers husband was posted to Vietnam for work. Although he travelled often during their courtship, this is the longest he has ever been away.
ropped hair, stiff blue jeans, sensible riding boots and armed with her motorcycle, Diana Er cuts an imposing figure as a fiercely independent and capable woman. And that she is. The 45 year-old has taken over as head of the familycaring for her ailing father-in-law and managing her own household of two ever since her husband, Donald Quah, moved abroad for work. In April last year, he accepted a company promotion that sent him to Vietnam on a twoyear contract. His company, Yokogawa Electric, needed his sales expertise in their Hanoi office. Being separated by work has been commonplace throughout their relationship, as Donald had travelled frequently even during their courtship days. But this is the first time he has to be away for so long. There were actually a lot of objections. On one hand, I can add this position to my resume for better opportunities in the future. But then the main concern was having to be away from family, says Donald. My son was the only one who said, You can go. In the past, an overseas job posting for one parent usually meant the whole family relocated. Now, an increasing number of families are choosing a commuter lifestylein which the family lives apart for long periods. Diana chose not to follow her husband because she was still working at the time, though she is currently unemployed. More importantly, living in Vietnam did not appeal to her. I tried staying there for a week, it is a totally different environment from Singapore. Language is a barrier and the location is alien to me. Donald didnt encourage it as well. Even if I go with him, he still has to travel a lot within Vietnam for work, so it makes little difference, she adds. Both Donald and Diana feel that their two-country living arrangement has not affected their relationship as a family. Donald thinks that their current living situation is too premature to note any remarkable changes. Besides, he also makes the effort to come back to Singapore every month for a couple of days. Whenever hes back, I will monopolise his time, says Diana. The couple will spend the short time they have as a couple doing everything together, be it having meals or running errands. Still, business calls are routine when Donald is in Singapore, but once they are taken care of, his focus shifts firmly to his family. Even in Vietnam, Donald pulls his weight as husband and father, playing mediator between his wife and their son. Being mother and son, there is a bit
of an understanding gap, so we still have our disagreements. Im not in the loop, but I think that Donald will try to resolve certain issues, says Diana. The only significant change in terms of family is the amount of responsibilities that Diana now has to shoulder: My father-in-law was admitted to the hospital recently, so I had to take a bit more initiative on that part. Donald is the eldest in his family. Traditionally, the eldest runs the show, so while hes gone, I have to run it. Of course, temptations and infidelity are the biggest causes for concern for every married couple living apart. This is especially true for Donald, whose work in sales mean that entertaining clients at bars and KTV joints is commonplace and encouraged. The couple, who are Christian, lives by the motto, trust and openness, to overcome this challenge. I dont like him to stay out late, but theres no choice, because it is his job. When he is tempted, he will pray and he will share with me. Sometimes, I will throw tantrums, asking him why he goes to those type of places, Diana admits. But he is very transparent, and we have trust for one another. Technology has also made it easier for them to maintain their relationship. During the day, whether at a sumptuous lunch or on a mundane errand, Diana will text Donald using Whatsapp, an instant messaging service. At night, they use video-conferencing service, Skype. We leave it on even if we have nothing to say. Just to look at him, to see if hes fatter, or rounder, and how hes doing, says Diana. But even face-to-face video conferencing cannot compare to being physically together. Donald explains: Even though technology helps you bond, it is still missing something very important. For example, if I talk to my son and I feel like patting him on his shoulder, I cant. When I talk to my wife, sometimes I make her angry, and I want to give her a hug, but I cant. The human touch is not there, even though we can still see each other. Nine months into this two-year overseas stint, Donalds company is already discussing the possibility about posting him to Shanghai for another two years. It is still too early for confirmation, and Donald is not sure if he will take up the offer. Its a good opportunity but Ill have to see the contract. Perhaps I will ask for a wife allowance so that she can come with me. If not I will have to pay all her expenses out of my own pocket, he says, half in jest. Donalds tone is in stark contrast to the solemn expression on Dianas face. Well see how it goes, she says.
6 | FABRIC OF A FAMILY 7 | FABRIC OF A FAMILY
TAKING THE WHEEL (above): Always concerned for her father-in-laws comfort, Diana spends the better half of her day finding a suitable wheelchair in preparation for his discharge from hospital. SUPPORT FROM ABROAD (far left): Dianas husband is still involved in making decisions whilst overseas. Before settling on a rental wheelchair, she sends a photo to her husband for approval. DOMESTIC HELP (left): In anticipation of her pending employment, Diana recently hired a domestic helper experienced with geriatrics, to ensure that her father-inlaw would be taken care of properly.
TAKING CHARGE (above): Even though Donald is back in Singapore, all matters regarding his fathers medical condition are handled by Diana. On an errand to pick up medication, it is Diana who knows where the medicine is kept and what to bring to the hospital. MOTORCYCLE DIARIES (right): Convenient and inexpensive, her motorcycle is the transportation of choice for Diana when she has to run errands alone. We have an off-peak car, but it is easier to get around on the bike.
NEW YEAR, NEW JOB: Diana lays out her clothes on the bed in preparation for her first job interview since her retrenchment. Although Donald asserts that their family is financially sufficient, Diana is still worried about money. Im afraid of not having enough money. Even though Donalds position in Vietnam is a promotion, the pay raise is not much. Hes surviving on an allowance, reveals Diana.
FAMILY TIME: The family makes spending time together a priority whenever Donald is in Singapore. My son is usually busy, with his school, girlfriend and work. But now, he makes an effort to spend more time with the family, says Diana.
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP HOMECOMING: Donald tries to come home at least once a month. Still, his visits home are usually workbased. Even when hes back home, work phone calls and emails are very routine, says Diana. TRINKETS: Diana dons a diamond bracelet and ring out to a Valentines Day dinner with Donald. Often clothed casually, she takes the chance to dress up whenever Donald is home. A FATHERS TOUCH: Sometimes, a mother and son can have a big gap in understanding. To him, Im just nagging. If I cannot get the message across to my son, Ill get my husband involved, says Diana. She and Donald recently banded together to reprimand their son for dying his hair bright red. BETTER TOGETHER: I monopolise his time whenever hes home. He tries to relieve my burdens, says Diana. On his visit home for Chinese New Year, Donald spends the morning with Diana, accompanying her to the market to pick up food for the reunion dinner.
LOOKING INTO THE FUTURE: Diana might find herself eating breakfast alone consistently in the near future. Her husbands company is in talks to send him to Shanghai for a further two years. While no decision has been made yet, Donald is relatively open to the idea, while Diana is decidedly not.
My first thought was, Wow, he looks very Indian, but at the same time I also saw how cute he was.
describing his first meeting with Aizer
Leon Koh,
CHANGE OF PACE: A trip to the playground everyday is part of Leons new, more structured life. He follows an almost regimental schedule revolving around Aizer, a far cry from his more unpredictable days as a bachelor.
FINALLY A FATHER
L
eon Koh used to turn heads with his stylish fashion sense, but the 39-yearold bachelor now attracts attention because of his son, Aizer. Leon, who is Chinese, adopted Aizer, whose teenage mother is an ethnic Indian from Malaysia, in February 2012. Aizers biological fathers identity is unknown. I think most people are just curious rather than being judgmental or disapproving, says Leon who adds that most reactions have been positive. The former property broker, who is now a full-time dad, had always wanted to be a parent and begun considered adopting a child as far back as ten years ago. But the slim chance of getting approval as a single man made him hesitate, until he felt that he wasnt getting any younger. After going through rounds of interviews and home visits with bated breath over three agonising months, Leons application was approved. His initial surprise gave way to happiness and he set his mind on adopting an underprivileged child. I told the adoption agency that I had no criteria. I said I would take the first available abandoned child or child from poor background whose parents cannot afford to give them the care they need. If I chose a child based on any criteria, Id feel very bad, like I was rejecting the others before I even knew them, he explains. When he first saw Aizer, Leon admits that he was shocked by his very Indian appearance but immediately saw past the superficial difference, and so did his family, whom he lives with. No matter how they look, every child will be special to you if you put in the effort and time, says Leon. Leons mother, Mdm Koh has no qualms about her grandson being Indian. After all, her daughter, Leons sister Lay Hong, married
Leon Koh had always wanted to be a parent. The bachelors journey into parenthood began after his application to adopt was approved, and he became father to one-year-old Aizer.
an Indian man. They all live together in the same house. Mdm Koh is more concerned if Leon can be an effective parent as a single man. He did not even know how to cook a proper meal before Aizer came along. While he is still learning the ropes and admits that parenting is more physically and emotionally draining than he had ever expected, Leon is loving every minute, even if he had to give up half of his lifehis social life and personal hobbiesfor domestic pursuits. Instead of keeping up with the latest fashion trends, he is now picking out the freshest produce at the market, having picked up cooking from his mother. His social circle now comprises mainly of fellow parents who frequent Internet parenting forums instead of singles who paint the town red at nightclubs and bars. But Leon does not see this as a sacrifice. I feel happier. Life is now more purposeful.
MEANT TO BE (above): Since Leon never specified any criteria such as the preferred gender or race of his child when he made arrangements with the adoption agency, he believes he is truly fated to share a father-son relationship with Aizer. ATTRACTION (left): Leon is used to curious stares from strangers when he is with Aizer, but he says most reactions are positive. Many people start chatting with me. If they are friendly, I tell them my story. I think the contrast of our appearance makes him look even more adorable.
CONDUCIVE ENVIRONMENT (right): Leons niece, Dharini, enjoys playing with Aizer. Living with my mother and my sisters family gave me more confidence to be a dad, says Leon. He feels having other children around to play with Aizer will benefit his development.
NEW FRIENDS (right): Leon socialises mainly with other parents, including neighbours and friends he made via Internet parenting forums. He drifted apart from the single friends whom he used to spend time with because they could not accept his new lifestyle. A PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE (below): Leon is thoroughly enjoying his new life despite having had to sacrifice a lot. I feel like Ive given up half of my (previous) life but all that seems so superficial now, he says, referring to to things like socialising with his single friends. BECOMING GRANDMA (bottom): Leons mother (centre) has been very supportive, says Leon, but she did not actively encourage him to adopt earlier on, fearing that a single man might have difficulty raising a child.
CHANGE OF PRIORITIES (left): Leon was a property broker before he adopted Aizer. Although he continues to keep in contact with some of his clients, he is now hardly at his work station.
POPULAR (above): Market vendors often give Leon extra produce when they see Aizer. Leon picked up cooking because he wants to be directly involved in providing for his son.
PREPPING FOR THE FUTURE: Leon realises that Aizer is likely to ask him tough questions about his past and their father-son relationship, given the difference in their appearance. Leon hopes Aizer will recognise and acknowledge his fatherly love, but he also wishes for Aizer to be aware of his past. I have the contact information of Aizers biological mother. I think its important to keep this link in his life. When Aizer is old enough I will let him decide if he wants to get in touch with her.
IN LIMBO: Aizer is still officially a Malaysian citizen. Leon has applied for Singaporean citizenship for his son, but it has been a slow and sometimes painful process. They just told me to continue waiting, even though the last time they said I would have gotten the result by now. Its very frustrating.
UNDER THE SAME ROOF

Cancer destroyed brothers Hariz and Hariq Baharudins happy home life when it claimed both their parents. But the siblings have managed to build a family of their own with the help of their maternal grandmother, who took them under her roof.
THE ESSENTIALS (above): Hariz (in black) and Haziq have lived with their grandmother ever since their parents passed away. She cooks, cleans and make sure that I have clothes. She put a roof over my head, took my brother and I in, and make sure we are fed. She does all the essentials, says Hariz. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM FRIENDS (right): Shirley Lam is part of a group of close friends from secondary school that Hariz counts on for support. It can get a little lonely during holidays or even Sundays, when everyone is with their family, Hariz admits. But I have this group of friends that I can meet up with, and talk to about everything.
It means having somebody care for you regardless.

on what makes a family
Hariz Baharudin,
here is a slight air of melancholy to weekends, according to 23-yearold Hariz Baharudin. His brother is sprawled on the bed, sleeping off a tiring week of National Service training while his grandmother is seated in the kitchen, quiet and contemplative. Hariz, meanwhile, is in his room, silently working on his computer. But what he really wants is to spend quality time with his family. It gets hard during the weekends. Everyone is having their Family Day, and Im just at home, he says. The undergraduate and his younger brother, Haziq Baharudin, live with their grandmother in a modest three-room flat after their mother succumbed to cancer seven years ago. Their father lost his own battle with the illness in 2002. There was an awkward period where our relatives didnt know what to do with us, Hariz says of the time immediately following his mothers death. Both sides of his parents extended family were willing to take him and his brother in, but they were not sure what the boys wanted. They asked us to choose, but I was only 16, so I was just going to go with whoever was willing to take us in. In the end, the siblings moved in with their maternal grandmother, Rukini Moh. It was a convenient arrangement as she lived in the same block as his aunt, who was also his legal guardian. It was easier for me to get documents signed this way, he explains. Moving into his grandmothers house was an adjustment for both Hariz and his grandmother. I do try to talk to my grandmother, but I still feel like there is this distance between us. Hariz struggles to express himself properly to his grandmother, who speaks only Malay. Furthermore, there are some things that she is unable to understand, says Hariz. Im the first in my family to attend university so she doesnt understand why
I only go to school on some days, or why I stay back until late on others. Despite the challenges in communication, Hariz is still grateful. She cooks, cleans and makes sure that I have clothes. She put a roof over my head, took my brother and me in, and make sure we are fed. She does all the essentials. In return, the boys try to be the best grandsons. Im glad were there, so she at least has someone to talk to, although it is just small talk about something interesting she saw on TV. For the emotional heart-to-heart talks, Hariz turns to his brother. Hes my best friend; we tell each other everything. Hes the only one who has gone through the same things as me. There are some things I dont need to explain, and he just knows. But the siblings werent always that close. When we were growing up, we were quite bad. We fought all the time. Things got worse when their father passed away. Haziq picked up smoking in secondary school, and he frequently threw tantrums. He lacked the ability to show his emotions properly, so he would be angry all the time. It was their mothers passing, though, that brought them together. He finally matured. Well, he had to. I always think that my brother and I had to grow up a lot faster than the other kids, because of what happened to us, says Hariz. Being the older brother, Hariz tries his best to provide support and guidance for Haziq. The letter that Hariz wrote Haziq while the latter was in outfield during a military exercise, is pinned on the corkboard in their room. Inside are words of encouragement and support. I also told him that he is much stronger than he gives himself credit for. After all, thats what a family does, according to Hariz. Family is unconditional love. It means having someone care for you regardless. For that, I have my brother and he has me. Thats all we need.
KEEPSAKES: Mementos of the people important to Hariz are displayed on to the wall above his desk. Right on top is a portrait of his mother and her sisters, while a letter of encouragement he wrote to his brother is pinned on the bottom left corner of the cork board.
GENERATION GAP: Despite their best efforts, Hariz is not as close to his grandmother as he would have liked. I try to talk to my grandmother but I still feel like there is a distance between us, says Hariz. She speaks only Malay. I try to speak in Malay to her, but there are some things that I cant express very well.
HES MY BROTHER (facing page): Haziq (right) bids farewell to his brother with a kiss on the hand, a sign of respect in Muslim culture. Currently serving his national service, he took a leave of absence to send Hariz off on an exchange programme to Sweden. The brothers will be separated for six months.
SINGLE, TOGETHER
Now that they are approaching middle age, unmarried sisters Liow Lai Fong and Liow Lay Keng are worried about their future, having no one who can take care of them in old age.
CLOCKWISE FROM ABOVE A TALE OF TWO SISTERS: Unmarried sisters Lay Keng (left) and Lai Fong live in a three-bedroom flat with their mother. Younger sister Lay Keng lived on her own until she contracted breast cancer in 2004, making it difficult for her to live alone. Although her cancer is in remission, she chose to continue living with her sister as her own flat has been rented out. MISTRESS OF THE HOUSE: Lai Fong is the owner of the house, which she shares with her younger sister and mother. Unemployed, but earning an income through rent, she spends most of her day cleaning and cooking. GOGGLE BOX: Lay Keng rushes home after work to watch the daily 7 pm serial on Channel U. She usually catches the show with her sister, who watches while preparing dinner.
omemaker Liow Lai Fong is 55-yearsold and unmarried, but not by choice. When I was young, I had terrible motion sickness. Every time I took the bus, I had to bring a bag because I would vomit, she says in Mandarin. It left her unable to date because she could not go out to meet people. Now that her condition has improved, she has a more active social life, often participating in excursions that her local Community Centre organises. But as far as getting married is concerned, she is convinced that it is too late for her. Im already so old, theres no need for relationships. It depends very much on fate and it just wasnt fated for me. Although she is optimistic about her current singlehood, she is worried about her future. The bad part would be when I am old and have to deal with pains and aches and sicknesses, there will be no one to look after me. Lai Fong knows how important children are in ones old age, having quit her own job in order to take care of her elderly mother. She now earns an income through renting out one room in her four-room flat, which she shares with her 83-year-old mother and her sister, Liow Lay Keng, who is also single. Unlike her older sister who has never dated, Lay Keng was almost married. In 1997, she and her then-boyfriend had already registered for a wedding solemnisation date, when he suddenly broke things off for no apparent reason. She tried dating again, but there have been no sparks. Lay Keng seems less apprehensive about the future, stating that she might hire a maid, or check herself into a nursing home when she gets older. In the meantime, she tries to take good care of herself by exercising everyday to keep fit. She is also eager to learn new things, like computer software skills, to keep her mind fresh. Although living under the same roof, the sisters lead largely separate lives. Lay Keng spends most of her time working at her 9-5 job in a childcare centre, while Lai Fong is usually at home, doing housework. When they have free time, they rarely go out together, preferring to spend time with their own group of friends. Yet, when Lay Keng comes home after work, she comes back to a hot dinner prepared by Lai Fong, which they then eat together. They might be uncertain of what the future holds, but for now, they have one another.
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT
BUS RIDES: Lai Fong attributes her single status to motion sickness. In the past, I didnt like to go out because I get nausea when I travel on buses, she explains. Now that her motion sickness is not as severe, Lai Fong is a frequent participant of the activities organised by her local Community Centre. BEAUTY ROUTINE: Lay Keng moisturises her skin as part of a daily beauty routine. She follows a strict skincare regimen as she feels it is important to look good for herself. PUTTING A RING ON IT: Although the ring that Lay Keng sports on her left hand is inexpensive, its meaning is priceless. Lay Keng bought it as a gift for herself last year as she felt her fingers were too bare. She was once engaged to be married, but her then-fianc broke it off for no apparent reason.
HOME COOKED MEALS: A visit from their nephews, Low Wei Xiang (in blue), and Low Wei Sheng (in black), means a feast in the sisters home. Lai Fong will wake up early to get the freshest produce from the market to prepare her nephews favourite dishes. Although the sisters have very different personalities, they are united in their love for their nephews, whom they treat like their sons. UNDER MY UMBRELLA: Through her participation in Community Centre-organised outings, Lai Fong has met many new friends. She enjoys these activities as she gets to explore new places, like the Botanic Gardens, instead of being cooped up at home.
26 |
ALONE, BUT NOT LONELY

T
he only man in Yeo Wai Sums life is affectionate, loyaland four-legged. For the single 48-year-old, her pet Schnauzer, is all the companionship she needs. Samson brings me a lot of joy, says Wai Sum. I always had an affection for dogs. They are loyal and obedient. They know who is good to them, and they will always be good to you too. Wai Sum found a skeletal Samson around her neighbourhood seven years ago. She brought the abandoned puppy back to her two-room flat, where she lives alone, and nursed him back to health. He was all skin and bones back then. His skin was very patchy from a skin condition, and I think thats why his previous owners abandoned him. Rearing a pet is no easy feat, and requires a lot of time and money. The administrative assistant spends about $400 a month on his veterinary fees alone. She also rushes home every day during her lunch break to feed and walk him before cycling back to her office. But the sense of fulfillment that comes from being depended on and needed outweighs all inconveniences, she says. Yet, she is against the notion of having children. Her past employment at a childcare centre had put her off raising children, while her friends horror stories about unreasonable in-laws turned her off marriage. My dog is like a kid, but he is easier to handle. He doesnt talk back, she jokes. Im also too independent. I cannot imagine myself having to answer to someone else, or having to take care of a man. When asked if she ever gets lonely, Wai Sum answers in the negative. I guess I am used to it. Having had epilepsya disease that can cause sufferers to have violent seizures at any momentsince young, Wai Sum is used to being alone. I always kept to myself, because my fits would scare people away. As I got older, I did not want to take part in any social activities because if my fits occurred, it would be very inconvenient for the rest. It was in 1992, when a groundbreaking new treatment for epilepsy gave her a new lease of life. No longer prone to fits after her surgery, she was hopeful for some sort of companionship but found that any available men were either too old or too young. I was very envious of my peers who were getting married. It seemed so easy for them to find partners. Now, she has made peace with her singlehood. I work during the day. On the weekends I have to clean my house. Then, I still need to take care of him, she says, gesturing to the dog nuzzling up against her leg. I have no time to be lonely.
A MATTER OF RESPECT: Kamisah joins her family for grace. In return, her family respects her religion by making sure to buy halal groceries and not eating pork at home.
REGARDLESS OF RACE AND RELIGION

Intercultural marriages may be more accepted and on the rise. But it still takes a monumental effort to adapt to each others cultural and religious differances.
PUPPY LOVE: For Wai Sum, her dog Samson, is all the company that she needs. I always had a lot of affection for dogs. They are loyal and obdient. They know who is good to them, and they will always be good to you too.
hen Damien Pang, 54, first became a Christian, it was his wife, Kamisah Isnian, who bought him his bible and crucifix, despite being Muslim. In a world where fundamentalists wage war in the name of religion, the Pang family has managed to become a stronghold of religious harmony. Their formula is simplecompromise. I dont want him to force me to be a Christian if I dont want to. And I wont force him to convert to Islam, says Kamisah. While her husband makes sure not to bring any church activities home, the 50-year-old has to be less strict with her religious rites, and will eat most things as long as they do not contain pork. Still, her family respects her religion My two sons will look out for me. Usually they wont eat pork in front of me. But sometimes
if they forget, they will point out which dish has pork, so I know not to touch it, she says. The couple have also agreed to let their two sons choose which religion they want to follow when they turn 21. Both sons have been following their father to church since young. I wanted my free time, so I let them go with him, says Kamisah, who is a homemaker. Their eldest son, Bryan, 22, has already chosen Christianity. I have been following my father to church, and I have seen how this faith works for me, he explains. Younger son Stephen, 15, has not yet declared a religion and Kamisah is hoping that he might choose Islam. He has more Malay friends than his brother, and Im also hoping that he gets a Malay girlfriend, she jokes. On a more serious note, she adds: Even if he ends up choosing Christianity, I will not
object. But he must be sure. Despite the compromises on both ends, Kamisah feels that she has to sacrifice a lot more. For me, I have to give up making Muslim friends. Strict Muslims believe that they have a duty to bring stray Muslims like Kamisah back on the right path. If not, they might be considered sinners themselves. Some friends have tried to bring me back to the right path, because they want to keep my friendship. But I cant do that because of my family. They end up quarrelling with their husbands because of me, so in the end, I will keep my distance, says Kamisah, who lost a close friend from her primary school days because of this. Even Kamisahs father found it difficult to accept that Damien was not going to convert. He was very angry and threatened to lock me
up. It was my granny who was more accepting. She asked me, Does he make you happy? Kamisahs grandmother was the one who helped them get together eventually. One night, she came to me and said, Pack your bags, if you dont leave now, your father will lock you up. she reveals. Kamisah moved in with Damien and they registered their marriage a few days later. But it was only after a year that her father finally accepted their marriage. I think it was because we did not cause him any trouble during that time, says Kamisah. Her siblings, who married within the same race and religion, tended to end up divorced. I think thats when he saw that you can marry within the religion but still have no harmony in the family. According to Damien, harmony can be maintained if the main driving force of the
HOLIDAY SPIRIT (above): December means that Kamisah is busy buying and wrapping Christmas presents for her husbands side of the family. They have been celebrating it even before he became a Christian, so its more of a family tradition. And its more about the gift exchange at this point, really, she says. SUNDAY SERVICE (top right): Damien and his sons attend church every Sunday without Kamisah, who is Muslim. Althought it was agreed that they would let their sons choose their religion once they turned 21, both boys have been following their father to church since they were young. Muslim women dont really go to the mosques, says Kamisah. Actually my father is supposed to bring them, but he doesnt speak English and they dont speak Malay, she adds, explaining why the boys attend church instead of the mosque. TAKING IT OUTSIDE (far left): Damien has been very involved in the Christian ministry since he became a Christian 21 years ago. He is one of the committee members in charge of organising an open cell group for office workers every Tuesday. But with respect to Kamisahs wishes, he never brings any of his church activities home.
family is its values. Some things are negotiable and some are not. What we try to do in this family is to focus on the major issues, such as its values, he says. But at the crux of it all is love. Love in the family is very important. You can be hurt out29 | FABRIC OF A FAMILY
side but once you come inside, you can receive your healing, you can receive assurance. I think that makes us strong enough to face the world. Values and love. If you strip away everything else, at the end of the day, these are the underlying things that make a family, he adds.
My father was very angry and threatened to lock me up. But my granny was more accepting. She only asked, Does he make you happy?
describing her familys reations to her relationship
ELOPEMENT: Kamisah and Damien might have never married if her grandmother did not step in to help them out. One night, she came to my room and said, Pack your bags. If you dont leave now, your father will lock you up, Kamisah recalls. She left that night, and married Damien a few days later.
WHEN I LOVE CANT LEAD TO
I DO
YOU
Kamisah Isnian,
A LOVING FAMILY: The family bonds over lunch prepared and cooked by Bryan (centre) and his girlfriend (left). Kamisah hopes that Stephen (right) will get a Malay girlfriend in the future so that he might be more inclined to become a Muslim.
One couple that has already taken the symbolic plunge is ased on the stereotypes, Phoebe Ong* should not be a lesbian. She did not have bad experiences with men, Alex Tay, 40, and Chand Kang, 37. The pair, who are in the she did not attend a girls school nor does she hate same dragonboating club, describe themselves as married. They got engaged in September 2010, and married on Valmen. All she did was fall in love with a woman. Instead of being so conscious of gender, I think most entines Day a year later, exchanging rings. For them, marriage was a show of their commitment to gays fall in love with a person who just happens to be of the one another. We were dating for a few months before we same sex, she says. The 28-year-old met her girlfriend, Charlene Sng, got engaged, Alex says. But we both knew that we wanted 27, at a wedding. The bride was Phoebes colleague and something serious, and so we got engaged to work towards a long-lasting relationship. Charlenes sister. Their wedding was a private ceremony involving only the Phoebe was prompted to message Charlene on Facebook two of them. At first, they wanted to after listening to her deliver an imhost a dinner for family and friends passioned speech about her sister. but decided against it. At that time, I thought she was Marriage should just be about an interesting person, and I wanted two people. All our friends already to be friends with her. Their online know that we are together and we chats turned into friendship, which would rather spend the money travthen blossomed into a romance. elling, Alex says. In their 14 months of dating, the Alex and Chands union is not recduo have gotten a lot of stares when ognised in Singapore but that does they go out together, especially not make them any less of a family. when Charlene lets her short hair They believe that mutual care is esdown from its usual ponytail. sential in a family, and they already Its mostly older women who have that with each other, and their stare at us openly. Some even do extended families. double takes, says Charlene. Alexs parents, whom they live Younger Singaporeans are inwith, and Chands aunt are very supcreasingly more accepting of hoportive of their relationship. Were mosexuality, based on the growing like any other family. On Sundays, number of participants in the annuwe have Family Day, playing mahal Pink Dot event. Yet, in this regard, jong with my parents. Sometimes, the city states laws lag behind the Chands aunt will invite us over for rest of the developed world. Phoebe Ong, drinks to catch up, says Alex. Lesbians and gays are not recogon the significance of a Essentially, Chand believes that nised by the government as a legitmarriage certificate there is no real difference between imate family, resulting in them not homosexual and straight couples. being able to marry, buy governThey can get married, have kids and ment housing or adopt children. still get a divorce in the end. What When asked if being able to get they have is only one more piece of married is important to them, the paper, he says, referring to a marcouple was in two minds. riage certificate. On one hand, they dont need a But if they could get married legally, they would. We were marriage certificate to confirm their commitment to one another. I dont need to sign the paper, but I would like my planning to go to Australia or Vancouver to get a certificate, friends and family to witness me telling her I want to be to- but its on hold now because it wont be recognised in Singapore anyway. gether for the rest of our lives. Charlene says. Still, they are satisfied with their life at the moment. Yet, the marriage certificate allows them to take legal reWhere can we go from here? Maybe buy our own condosponsibility for one another. I think the marriage certificate is taken for granted. Yes, minium? Chand says. its just a piece of paper. But this piece of paper allows you to buy a house. It allows you to say, This person is my wife. If one of us gets into an accident, the piece of paper will allow me to make decisions regarding her life. In the eyes of the law, essentially, I am only her friend, Phoebe says. *Name changed to protect identity
Yes, its just a piece of paper. But it allows you to say, This person is my wife. In the eyes of the law, essentially, I am only her friend.
JUST MARRIED (above and right): Alex (in orange) and Chand met when they joined the same dragonboat team. The two hit it off and quickly got married in a private and symbolic ceremony where they exchanged rings. They still train with the dragonboat team that brought them together.
OUT AND PROUD (above and right): Phoebe and Charlene (in grey) have no qualms about being open about their relationship, but Phoebes job as a civil servant prevents them from being too public. There is no written rule that says civil servants cannot be come out, only a code of conduct that says we have to carry ourselves with decorum. But youll be amazed at what can fit under the three words code of conduct, Phoebe says dryly. If being gay will affect someones trust in me, then I rather not tell them that Im gay.
JUST THE TWO OF US

After his wife lost her fight against cancer, Kelvin Mok was faced with the daunting responsibility of being a single parent. He took the first step by moving in with his in-laws, so that his only child, Janice, would feel less alone.
BACK-TO-SCHOOL BLUES: Janice is often reluctant to part with Kelvin to begin her day at school. He says she has become more attached to him since his wife died but has been coping well in general. She knew what was going on and grieved, but was very accepting and understanding throughout the whole process, he says.
MOVING ON: Chia Yen remains very much a part of Kelvins thoughts. I still miss her but theres less pain now, he says. After discovering her that she had cancer, Chia Yen gave Kelvin her blessing to remarry if he happens to meet the right person.
espite being an able-bodied fitness enthusiast, Kelvin Mok is often forced to use the handicapped stall in public bathrooms. This is just one of the things the 33-yearold has had to adapt to in his life as a single parent to his only daughter, Janice, 4. I feel bad, but when its just the both of us, I dont feel safe leaving her waiting outside, he explains. Kelvin admits he is still learning the ropes on his journey as a single parent. His late wife, Chia Yen, died in October 2012 after being diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in June the same year. Having always been a family man, Kelvin quit his job as a professional trainer and sports coach to devote time and effort to his wife and daughter. Besides spending as much time as a family as they could, Kelvin says it was
important to prepare Janice for a future without her mother, and to prepare himself for the demands of being a single parent. It was a difficult time, says Kelvin, But Im really happy that we were financially stable enough for me to stop working, so that I could max out my days on Earth together with Chia Yen. After Chia Yens death, Kelvin made the decision to move in with her parents. While he continues to play the central role in parenting Janice, his in-laws have provided essential support, enabling him to enjoy personal time, which he uses to pursue his passions like playing soccer and taking up leadership roles at his church. My own parents are not here because they work in Brazil. Both of my sisters are also based overseas, in Canada and Australia. So Im very thankful for my in-laws support, not only for Janice but for myself, he says.
While technology such as Skype allows him to keep in touch with his family, the time difference makes communicating regularly difficult, he adds. Kelvin may one day leave Singapore for good to join his sister in Australia, but only when Janice is older and no longer requires the constant attention of a caregiver. Im not sure if I want her to remain here where the environment is so competitive. The pace of life is slower over there, says Kelvin, who studied and worked in Brisbane in the past. Right now, Kelvin is hoping to reenter the workforce. But searching for a job in todays struggling economy has been difficult. Furthermore, he requires a job with flexible working hours, so that he can continue to be with Janice at important moments in her life. My princess will always come first, he says.
MOVING IN: Kelvin moves his belongings from his old home in Dover to his in-laws place. He took up the offer to stay with them after his wife died because he felt it would be beneficial to have extra pairs of hands to look after Janice.
CLOCKWISE FROM RIGHT
BROS FOR LIFE: Kelvin gets into the festive spirit with his friends at a Christmas house party. Support from his friends made it easier for him to cope when Chia Yen was sick and he knows that they are there for him during his journey as a single parent. FEMININE FUN: Chia Yen really looked forward to doing girly things with Janice, says Kelvin. Now I have to take over for her. He says the thought of discussing sensitive issues such as puberty and romantic relationships when Janice reaches adolescence is daunting, but he will not shy away. Its what a parent should do. MOTHER KNOWS BEST: Kelvins mother-in-law (right) is now more involved in taking care of Janice since he is looking to get back into the workforce and is out of the house more often for job interviews. She prepares most of Janices meals and gives Kelvin advice on the practical aspects of parenting. FEVER PITCH: Kelvin combines his love for soccer with his leadership role at church. Many youths from his cell group look up to him as a mentor. Thanks to my in-laws I get to play some soccer once in a while, says Kelvin, who is passionate about the sport.
Im really thankful for my friends. It definitely wasnt easy coping but they made it a lot easier by always being there for me and Janice.
on dealing with losing his wife
Kelvin Mok,
When my wife was around, I could bounce ideas with her and with her assurance, I made decisions with more confidence.
on parenting as a single parent
Kelvin Mok,
CONTENTMENT: Going back to singlehood is a blessing, says Francis. He enjoys being able to live life at his own pace, and has ruled out entering romantic relationships ever since his divorce.
LABOURS OF LOVE: Janice inheritied her love for drawing and painting from Chia Yen. When she was still alive, mother and daughter spent time creating art together. Their joint works are now displayed prominently in their home.
EARLY START: Kelvin usually has breakfast alone before waking Janice for school. Breakfast reminds him of his wife because she was an advocate of healthy eating.
SOMETIMES,
LOVE DOESNT WORK OUT

F
rancis Chuas wanderlust helped him meet the woman who would become his wife, but it also tore apart his marriage. After being married for 24 years, Francis and his Taiwanese ex-wife, whom he met on a business trip, went their separate ways because she was too insecure about his constant traveling for work. The former manager of a multi-national company was unconcerned about the supposed taboo of being a divorcee. When we separated, society was already open-minded about divorce, says Francis, who got divorced in 2009. I dont think social pressure or traditional values are that strong today for the younger generation to treat marriage as a lifelong commitment. As much as I wish it was a lifelong thing, it just doesnt hold true anymore. His biggest concern was, instead, the effect on his children, Jeremy and Jackson, who were 17 and 15 respectively at the time. The painful memories from the saga wont fade but I hope they learnt from my experience, and be more cautious when its their turn, says Francis. Francis ex-wife was awarded custody of both children, but in 2011, Jackson chose to read law in Taiwan and she went along to take care of him. Jeremy, who studies at Nanyang Technological University, moved in with Francis. I give Jeremy the same personal space and freedom that I would wish for myself. But I am always there if he needs me, says Francis, who adds that his worldview was shaped during his younger days while studying and working in Europe. Today, Francis, 60, considers himself semi-retired. The part-time financial engineer enjoys life as a bachelor too much to even consider another romantic relationship, let alone remarrying. I just want to do my own things at my own pace, like travel and just watch the world go by. For Lee Eng Neo, 62, a traumatic divorce actually paved the way for her next relationship. Eng Neo was in the midst of her divorce when she met her current husband, Chua Keng Long, 55, at work. Previously a homemaker, she had to enter the workforce after separation. They hit it off immediately but the thought of remarrying never crossed Eng Neos mind. I saw him as a very good friend. I would complain to him about men, treat him like an outlet to vent my frustration. One day he said he wanted to take care of me for life. I thought he was joking! she says. When Keng Long made it clear he was serious, Eng Neo still had her doubts. She felt her age and divorcee status would draw the ire of Keng Longs family. But to her surprise, his mother took an immediate liking to her. Eng Neos children from her previous marriage, a son and two daughters, also get along well their stepfather. After tying the knot, the couple chose not to have children of their own because of the rising cost of living but Eng Neo says Keng Long has been a great stepfather to her children. He gives them financial and emotional support when they need it. The only time I ever saw him get angry was when my son was going through his rebellious phase and was really rude toward me, she says. Although her story has a happy ending, Eng Neo, like Francis, remains cynical about marriage. Many people marry due to peer pressure. Seeing friends get married makes you want to even though your heart may not be ready.
SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS: Janice is usually only able to fall asleep if Kelvin stays by her side. He says the biggest challenge as single parent comes from within. Much of the challenge comes from my own thoughts about whether I am good enough, whether Janice is missing out on anything, or whether I am making the right decisions for her.
AGAINST ALL ODDS

After suffering nine miscarriages 12 years ago, Jimmy Yap and his wife, Dale Edmonds, chose to adopt four children from Cambodia, having accepted that having a biological child was impossible. But last year, Dale gave birth to Margaret Jane.
or most parents, going home with their newborn child is a joyous affair. But when freelance writer Dale Edmonds, 34, and her editorial consultant husband Jimmy Yap, 44, were strapping their daughter onto a stroller and wheeling her out the hospital doors, the joy they felt was tempered by uncertainty and doubt. I started walking faster and faster because a part of me was still certain that it was all a paperwork mistake and they would come running to take Maggie back, says Dale, who gave birth to Maggie in November 2011her first successful pregnancy after nine miscarriages. Born premature and with a hole in her heart, Maggies survival hung in the balance as she battled for her life in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit until she eventually got the all clear. But even after Maggie overcame her initial health scares, Jimmy and Dale faced another challengeparenting Maggie and integrating her into the family, more specifically, her four ethnic Vietnamese older siblings, who were adopted from Cambodia 12 years ago. Muoi, 22, works in the food and beverage industry while Nary, 17, Binh, 16, and Narith, 13, are schooling. All four have integrated well into local culture while not losing sight of their Vietnamese-Cambodian roots. Muoi, for example, enjoys whipping up Vietnamese dishes from time to time, but she is also a self-proclaimed workaholic who continued working even over Chinese New Year. We were concerned that they might feel jealous of Maggie, but sometimes theyre actually happier that we have less time to nag at them, says Dale, adding that Maggie will never be shown favourtism. We dont use words like adopted child or real child in this house. Everyone of them is our child and we love each of them just the same, says Jimmy. For all the commotion she has caused, it seems Maggie is blissfully unaware of the unusual circumstances surrounding her, content to chew on her toys and books as she ambles around after her big brothers and sisters.
ALL IN (left): The Yap family (L-R), Muoi, Jimmy, Narith, Binh, Nary, Maggie and Dale. Jimmy and Dale initially adopted Binh and Nary before discovering they had other siblings back in Cambodiaa fact covered up by the dishonest adoption agencies there. The children experienced culture shock when they came here, but have managed to reconcile their Vietnamese-Cambodian culture with Singaporean sensibilities.
HISTORY LESSON (below): Maggie being a surprise means that there is a huge age gap between her and the other Yap children, whose photographs from their time in Cambodia are placed prominently throughout the Yap household.
PRECIOUS: Maggie was born premature and with a hole in her heart. Her fragile health means even slight fevers are cause for concern. Maggies health issues have inspired Dale, a New Zealander who was born and raised here, to campaign for free healthcare for children.
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT
BALANCING ACT: Jimmy prepares dinner with Binh, who enjoys cooking, while attending to Maggie at the same time. He and Dale consciously make the effort to ensure that their four older children do not feel neglected because of the attention Maggie requires. PICTURES OF YOU, PICTURES OF ME: To help their children stay connected to their past and cultural identity, Jimmy and Dale line their walls with photographs of their childrens time in Cambodia. They have also picked up Khmer language. BACK TO THE GRIND: Having seen their children grow up into their teens, Jimmy and Dale considered scaling back time spent on parenting, and to take more time for themselves. But the unexpected arrival of Maggie changed all that. MUTUAL SUPPORT: With five children and two cats to care for, time as a couple is rare for Dale and Jimmy. When they manage to get some time alone, one of their activities of choice is jogging.
CLOCKWISE FROM RIGHT
REBEL: Narith (second from right) is in a bad mood after being made to set the table. Dale says the 13-year-old was least thrilled out of the children when Maggie arrived as he was apprehensive about losing his status as the youngest child. But he has grown to love her, though he does not show it openly. GROWING PAINS: An angry scratching made on a chest of drawers in the living room. Dale says that any bad behaviour has more to do with adolescent growing pains than any specific adoption-related issues. SEEING THE LIGHT: When she first came here, Nary was a rebellious child who disliked Jimmy and Dale. But now she feels thankful that they adopted her, and lucky to be in Singapore. WIZ KIDS: Binh (right) and Narith are engrossed with their electronic gadgets during a family outing. Their parents find that restricting their use of their phones and laptops are an effective disciplinary measure. UNCERTAIN FUTURE: Muois shift work means she often eats dinner alone. Despite enjoying her work and social life here, Muoi still identifies strongly as Vietnamese-Cambodian, having spent the better part of her childhood in Cambodia. She is not sure if she will stay here, or move back to her hometown in the future.
CULTURAL MELTING POT (above): Occasionally, the Yaps have Vietnamese food for dinner, prepared by the older children. Meals are a way for the Yaps to acknowledge the Vietnamese-Cambodian cultural influence in the family. MIRACLE BABY (right): Dale and Jimmy want another child so Maggie will have a playmate closer in age, but they are apprehensive. Maggies hospital bills were expensivethey are not sure if they can cope with the costs if their next child has similar medical issues. SISTER ACT (left): Muoi always finds time for Maggie when she is at home. She has taught the little monkey a few words of Vietnamese and they enjoy viewing Vietnamese music videos together.
Everytime she gets sick, I wait for the worse to happen. But seeing how much she enjoys every day, it doesnt matter how long her life is, just how good it is.
on Maggies health
Dale Edmonds,
THANK YOU
Mr Tay Kay Chin, for his guidance and unwavering support, Mr Ng Heng Ghee, for his technical assistance, the people who put us in touch with these wonderful families:
Charlene Sng Corrine Koh Low Wei Xiang
Isabelle Lim Ng Sor Luan Ng Yi Sheng
the families featured in this project, for trusting us with their stories, and our own families, for all the help and support they have given us.

Fabric of A Family

Transféré par

Informations du document

Titre original

Copyright

Partager ce document

Partager ou intégrer le document

Options de partage

Avez-vous trouvé ce document utile ?

Ce contenu est-il inapproprié ?

Droits d'auteur :

Fabric of A Family

Transféré par

Droits d'auteur :

fabric of a

GOING THE DISTANCE

UNDER THE SAME ROOF

It means having somebody care for you regardless.

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT

ALONE, BUT NOT LONELY

REGARDLESS OF RACE AND RELIGION

WHEN I LOVE CANT LEAD TO

JUST THE TWO OF US

CLOCKWISE FROM RIGHT

LOVE DOESNT WORK OUT

AGAINST ALL ODDS

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT

CLOCKWISE FROM RIGHT

Charlene Sng Corrine Koh Low Wei Xiang

Isabelle Lim Ng Sor Luan Ng Yi Sheng

Vous aimerez peut-être aussi