**************************************************************** Supplemental LOCO AND DISSENT Calendar Sunday, May 26, 2013 12:01 A.M.

**************************************************************** ******** LOCAL, CONSENT, AND RESOLUTIONS CALENDAR ******** THIRD READING HR 1883 Raymond / Pickett / et al. Congratulating all you freshmen who attended the University of Texas at A&M on filing bills this session that cut taxes, create jobs, secure the border, and provide more local control; now step aside and let the big dogs work. HR 44 The Freshmen Observing that, for the life of us, we cannot remember what made us think that we were wise, and wed never compromise. Amendment by the Redshirt Freshmen Just so we're clear, we're not with these dudes. HR Adios Strama / Eiland Recognizing that this job is a lot easier when you arent going to run again. HR 36-24-36 S. Davis of Harass Recognizing that I'm always making a face that looks like I smell a fart because I'm tired of being ogled. HR 41B Farias Recognizing February 22nd as Harlem Shake Day; honoring their Globetrotters. HR Desk 49 by Kuempel Congratulating Ralph Sheffield on finally spitting out one complete sentence from the Speakers chair by the end of session; Griesel, you should be ashamed of yourself for putting that poor man through that, he looks like he leaves a puddle under the Speakers chair every time he heads back to his desk. HR 88 Johnson Congratulating me for doing a better Royce West than Royce West. HR Hasbro Moody / Naishtat / Laubenberg Putting Joes glasses, Elliotts ties, Jodies (frequently missing) shoes, and the hat left behind by Al Edwards on Ryan Guillen to designate him the official Mr. Potato Head of Texas. HR 1992 Canales / Right Said Fred Congratulating me because I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I do my little turn at the back mic, yeah on the back mic, yeah on the back mic, yeah, I do my little turn on the back mic. HR 2003 The Ardmore House Ds Commemorating the 10th anniversary of our glorious revolution; recognizing us for sticking it to the Man when we were relevant. Amendment by Why-vonne The only constructive thing Ds did this session was haze freshman, and I cant even take credit for that. HR 1st Place Raymond / Fallon Recognizing Wus on first? as this years best hazing; providing a consolation prize to the huge Canales poster; if it hadnt scared the crap out of us, you mightve won. HR Parliamentary Inquiry Herrero Recognizing me as the most ungrateful of committee chairman who is never afraid to yell at the leadership from the back mic; chalk this one up as a self-inflicted wound, Mr. Speaker. 1

HR 80 Howard Formally apologizing to the 1980s for the theft of its hair. Amendment by Alvarado Donna, you told me people would dig my new do! ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 12:41 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for the voters to take the heat on raising revenue because the Tea Party will have our asses in a sling if we do it ourselves. ******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** LOCAL, CONSENT, AND RESOLUTIONS CALENDAR THIRD READING HR Reading Rainbow Brunettie Honoring nurse anes-anes-uh an-es-easy-ests Amendment by King of Taylor I don't even know what that means. Amendment by Blondie No one knows what it means, but it's provocative Amendment by King of Taylor No it's not; it's gross Amendment by Blondie It gets the people going! SB .45 Senate Republicans SP: Pickett Relating to openly carrying a high-capacity machine gun with extra clips on a preschool campus regardless of what the feds say; extending an invitation to come and take it! SB 65 The Dew Relating to the temperature of the Senate chamber being low enough to chill the cold-blooded reptiles in the Capitol press corps who fawned over Ted Cruz. SB 101 Beavers Campbell / De Vil Relating to me having to wearing my woven beaver coat in the Senate chamber because the Sergeant-At-Arms made me leave my Dalmatian puppy coat in my office. SB 141 Huffman SP: S. Davis of Harris Relating to the requirements for issuance of a license to Ruth(less) Jones McClendon to kill all my bills.
Rep. Schaefer raises a point of order against further consideration of this bill because it licenses something better handled by the free market. The point is disrespectfully overruled because were sick of his act.

Amendment by McClendon Let's add a commission to investigate why Joan Huffman is such a bitch and to provide me with a chair at the back mic so I can lay waste to her agenda in comfort. SB 303 Deuell SP: King of Taylor Relating to Texas Right to Life executing an advance directive on our bill; providing that they should remember the adage, Half a loaf is better than none. 2

******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR ******** SENATE BILLS SECOND READING SB 1 Williams SP: Pitts Relating to, ain't nobody got time for public education. Amendment by Democrats Ain't nobody got time for water. Amendment by Republicans Well, there is always money in the banana stand. Amendment by Tea Party Ain't nobody got time for us. *sad, head-hung Charlie Brown walk* SB 24 Hinojosa SP: Oliveira Relating to the creation of a new university in South Texas; naming the smallest restroom under the stairs to the janitors closet as El Bao de Walle. SB 346 Seliger SP: Geren Relating to white hoods, dark money, and the official reclassification of a certain political operative who likes to email and tweet b.s. about our bill as a LOSERso get the Wall Street Journal to print that, punk. (Damn. Never mind.) SB 484 Turner of Harris Relating to going and telling it on the mountainits hell to be po in Texas, and yes, I said it exactly as I meant to! Amendment by Thompson of Harris Why are you doing what the Senate wants? modern-day sex slaves? Amendment by House Democrats It's scary when mom and dad fight. SB 515 Eltife SP: Smith of Harris Relating to neither of us ever having to pay for a malt liquor, ale, or beer at any brewpub in Texas ever again. SB 549 Williams SP: Carter Relating to penalties for killing the Senate Finance Chairmans bill, and if you keep asking me questions about it, Im going to call him over here to answer them because I only sponsored it for the same reason you are going to vote for it did I mention this is Chairman Williams bill? SB 791 Seliger SP: Darby Regulating the low-level radioactive waste substances contained in Lon Burnams moustache. SB 1700 Taylor Relating to the continued operation of the Steve Mostyn Windstorm Insurance Association. ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 1:12 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for the Tea Party members to pretend like they really matter in the House. 3 Are you creating

******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR SENATE BILLS SECOND READING SB 219 Huffman SP: Bonnen of Brazoria Relating to ethics and Dennis Bonnen being in the same sentence without anyone laughing (youve come a long way, Bon-Bons!). Amendment by King of Parker Seriously, this is Texas; cant we get rid of that drunken lady DA? Ill get you next time, Lehmberg. Next time! Amendment by Fallon Oooooh, so that is why a freshman gets stuck with this stupid PIU bill every session. ******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR ******** HOUSE BILLS SECOND READING HB $140,000 Craddick / Thompson of Harris / Dutton / Oliveira / Smithee / et al. Relating to us pocketing another $10-$15k/year in pension payments and we dont care who knows. Amendment by Isaac Amending the bill to cut us out of the judges raise and force everyone to take a vote no one wants to take. Amendment by Callegari / Turner of Harris Amending the bill to ensure no one from HD-45 is ever eligible for a state pension. Amendment by Thompson of Harris Let this little dog eat! ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 2:03 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for someone getting control of the Tea Party freshmen so we can vote this thing out and pass the buck to the voters. ******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** GENERAL STATE CALENDAR HOUSE BILLS SECOND READING HB 0 Farrar / Krause / Miles / Turner of Collin Relating to us finally passing exactly zero bills this session, which is probably a good thing for the State of Texas. HB One Ring Sheets / Baggins Relating to having a game of riddles, and if I win, you show my bill the way out of the House. HB 24 Zedler Relating to tolerance, understanding, and equality. Amendment by M. Gonzlez of El Paso Taste the rainbow. Amendment by Zedler Do I have to have to pluck out my eyes now (Mark 9:47)? 4

HB 140 @GeneforTexas Relating to being more effective on Twitter than on the floor; providing that if I kept my remarks at the mic to 140 characters, I would be unstoppable. Amendment by Wu So enjoy 140 characters of cash ruling everything around me, C.R.E.A.M., getting the money, and dolla dolla bill, y'all. #36Chambers #ripODB HB 365/24/7 Taylor Relating to definitions of days, when a day isn't a day, and what would a day be without being dissed by the Speaker Pro Tem.
Rep. McClendon moves to reconsider and table this bill; the motion is GRANTED by acclimation, because what goes around comes around, Van; havent you learned that yet?

HB 420 Dutton Relating to expecting the chickens coming home to roost and getting respect from the Senate by any means necessary. Amendment by Dutton Seriously, I have a freakin' soon-to-be-legal switchblade. HB 508 Guillen / Springer / Eiland / Clardy Relating to us carrying concealed handguns so that we can defend ourselves from constituents who are pissed off that we voted ourselves a right to carry where they cannot. HB 950 Thompson of Harris Relating to the Lilly Ledbetter Act, and how if I had a hammer, Id hammer Estes bills in the morning, Id hammer Estes bills in the evening, Id hammer Estes bills all over this land. HB Dr. No Schaefer Relating to winning friends and influencing people. HB 2nd Amendment Krause / Creighton / Toth / et al. Relating to enforcing certain federal (immigration) laws but not others federal (firearm) laws within the State of Texas. HB 1338 Button Relating to Doctor Jones; allotting no time for love. HB It Goes To 11 Miles Relating to me grabbing the back mic whenever the hell I feel like it and yelling like a drunken best man at a bad wedding. HB .164 N. Gonzalez of El Paso Relating to four Cs and an F; seeking reelection as the president of Delta House. Amendment by Mrquez Who taught you how to do this stuff? Answer me!

Amendment by N. Gonzalez of El Paso You, alright?! I learned it by watching you! Amendment by Chavez No mames guey? Pinchi guera was hammered on the House floor when she got Freshman of the Year from MALC and LSG. I'm coming for you chica! HB 2268 Frullo Relating to issuing search warrants for evidence of any signs of intelligence in the tin-foil-hat-wearing Tea Party freshmen. HB Enough! Emma / Chelsea / Justin / Mallory / et al. Relating to a subsequent ban on naming any more bills after kids because, after all, isnt everything we do here for the children? 5

HB 1819 Kacal Relating to liability for injuring a trespassing sheep or goat. (No joke, we cant top that one.) HB (.)(.) Martinez Fischer Relating to frequent ominous nipple-tweaking; expanding said nipples into two points of order when necessary. HB 2881 Toth Relating to the creation of a task force to reduce habitual incidents of babbling at the front mic while laying out my first bill, and, uh, move, uh, I make uh message passage! HB 123 St_ickland Relating to higher education and well-tailored suits; bad bill! HB a2+b2=c2 Aycock Relating to finding out who put all these alphabets in my maths. Amendment by Patrick It was CSCOPE! HB 1972 Don Capriglione Relating to an offer you can't refuse and beating a dead horse of a joke; leaving said horse's head on the Speaker's bed while he sleeps next time he sends goons to keep me off the back mic. HB s10w McClendon Relating to the regulation of auctioneers; establishing the speed of paint drying as a uniform verbal metric in this state. ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 3:33 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment issuing an Amber Alert for the missing backbone the House needs to pass this resolution. ******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ******** GENERAL STATE CALENDAR HOUSE BILLS SECOND READING HB 5kyn3t Gooden / Riddle / Burnam / Fallon / St_ickland / et al. Relating to this being like the Terminator! Its cyclical, right? The drones send Schwarzenegger back to kill Sarah Connor so that John Connor can never be born, but if John Connor dont send Michael Biehn back to protect her, then they never f***, and John Connor ain't born in the first place! HB 580 Canales Relating to me having, like, 580 firearms, and how mi familia gives and trades them like Easter candy, and admitting that most of them came from Obamas Fast & Furious program. Amendment by Dukes What did you say about my president?! You pink-ass corrupt honky judge, take your little wet noodle outta here and if you see a man anywhere send him in because I do need a MAN! Amendment by Canales Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco? Amendment by Riddle If you two had a baby, it would be the hottest, craziest anchor baby on the planet, and I would name it TDawnerry Dukanales. 6

HB 6-feet-under Hunter Relating to where most bills you sent to Calendars can be found. HB Is It 2018 Yet? Anchia Relating to me getting tired of waiting for the tide to turn so I can run for governor; providing that I am going to quit shaving and nap for a few sessionswake me when its my turn. HB 1992 Nevrez / MiggityMiggityMiggityMiggityMac Relating to commencing to make ya jump, jump. HB |==Laubenberg Relating to the right of parents to decide whether their children get cancer; promoting trypanophobia awareness. HB 7 Days, Members! Herrero Relating to before vouchers die, they see the amendment. HB 2-for-1 Raymond / Lozano Relating to the 83rd Legislature's Chuckle Hut. (You see, the chuckle is the part of the pig between the tail and the anus, but at night, the Chuckle Hut becomes the Laugh Factory, and that's a comedy club.) HB cOw M. Gonzlez of El Paso Relating to beef it's not what's for dinner. ******** CONCURRENT RESOLUTIONS CALENDAR ******** HOUSE & SENATE CONCURRENT RESOLUTIONS HCR One-And-Done St_ickland / Schaefer / Toth / Stephenson / Bell / Guerra SP: Campbell Recognizing that theres no way voters are crazy enough to send us back here again, right? I mean, this was a joke, wasnt it? HCR Purple Simmons Designating Barney the Purple Dinosaur as the official State Dinosaur of Texas. Amendment by Geren Listen, Freshman, we had a big fight over this back in 2009, and if you think Im going to go through that again, you got another thing comin. Vive Paluxysaurus jonesi! HCRs 83, 84, etc. Springer Designating me as the official State Designator of Texas. SCR Best Served Cold Birdwell / Estes / Huffman / et al. Reminding the House that killing local Senate bills is like killing helpless hostages; it doesnt get you respect and it doesnt get your demands met, but it will get you a red dot on your forehead when youre least expecting it. SCR 31 Eltife Recognizing that anyone who calls the Texas Senate The Worlds Most Deliberative Body has never seen us whip through local and uncontested bills like an ADHD auctioneer without his Adderall. Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria Give me a break, Eltife, you do your act in an empty room; I have to herd 150 cats to keep my train running on time! SCR #1 Ellis / Lucio, Jr. / Davis / Narcissus / Every Senator for All Time Congratsturbating over our amazing ability to waste copious amounts of time congratulating ourselves for no other reason than that we were elected senators.

SCR 32.3333 (repeating) by Senate Messenger I have been directed by the Senate to inform the House that the Senate has taken the following action on sea turtles Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria What chamber are you from? Amendment The Senate. by Senate Messenger

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria The Senate ain't no chamber I've ever heard of. English in the Senate? Amendment The Senate by Senate Messenger

They speak

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria English, motherf***er, do you speak it? Amendment Yes! Yes! by Senate Messenger

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria Then describe what a sea turtle looks like! Amendment The Senate by Senate Messenger

Amendment by Bonnen of Brazoria Say "the Senate" again. Say "the Senate" again. I dare you; I double dog dare you, motherf***er. Say "the Senate" one more g**damn time! Amendment by Madam Doorkeeper Mr. Speaker, for the record, I know everyone thinks we hook up, but honestly, I don't know this guy. ********** ITEMS ELIGIBLE FOR CONSIDERATION ********** HB Donde Straus Relating to Waldo, who at least wore bright colors so that you had a shot at finding him. ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS ********** UNTIL 11:59 A.M. SJR 1 Williams SP: Pitts Proposing a constitutional amendment providing for the creation and use of funds in the state treasury for the special session were having because we putzed around too long before Sine Die. ******** POSTPONED BUSINESS ******** UNTIL 1:00 P.M. ON TUESDAY, MAY 28, 2013 HB 83(1) Perry, Rick Relating to me seein yall again soon, real soon, mo-fos!

2013, The Loco and Dissent Preservation Board