Contents

INTRODUCTION THE MOVIES TRADING PLACES: Race, Class And Pork Futures How JAWS 3D Was Almost JAWS 3, PEOPLE 0 RISKY BUSINESS: Kid Cruise Critiques Capitalism NATIONAL LAMPOONS VACATION: Clark Griswold, Best Dad Ever The Top Five Music Videos Of 1983 . . . And All Time Also At The Alamo 07 08 26 32 36 40 44 50

Editor-in-Chief
Devin Faraci

Managing Editor
Meredith Borders

Associate Publisher
Henri Mazza

Art Director/Graphic Designer

Joseph A. Ziemba

Contributing Writers
Zack Carlson, Brian Collins, John Erler, R.J. LaForce, Greg MacLennan, Henri Mazza, Amy Nicholson, Lars Nilsen, Sarah Pitrie, Sam Prime, Tommy Swenson, Joseph A. Ziemba All content 2013 Alamo Drafthouse drafthouse.com badassdigest.com

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The Sequel To The Greatest Summer Of Movies . . . Ever.

Devin Faraci Badass Digest Editor-In-Chief @devincf

Last summer the Alamo Drafthouse celebrated the masterpieces of 1982 with a blockbuster screening series. In true Hollywood fashion were following up that success with a sequel -- the summer of 1983! During the month of June, well be revisiting the films -- both great and weird -- of 30 years ago. This issue of the Alamo guide is jampacked with appreciations of and reflections on those movies, including a spirited look at Tom Cruise in RISKY BUSINESS, a love letter to NATIONAL LAMPOONS VACATION, and a deep examination of the racial and class connotations of TRADING PLACES. By the way, this issue marks the end of the old status quo for the Alamo Guide. Next month this magazine is being relaunched as a flaming suckerpunch of content-crammed greatness: BIRTH. MOVIES. DEATH. Itll be brimming with articles and musings from the Drafthouse programmers and the Badass Digest team, and its going to change your life. Birth. Movies. Death. The three most important things in the world. o

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The Movies.

For tickets and showtimes, write the titles down in your Ferrari Trapper Keeper. Then visit drafthouse.com/1983.

JOYSTICKS Dir. Greydon Clark, 1983, R, 88 min When grownups outlaw fun, teenagers must become outlaws. Its the cardinal rule of 80s teen comedies and JOYSTICKS is like a strategy guide for the life of fun -- level after progressively faster level of pure F.U.N. Joe Don Baker, who appears to have just given up on life and in fact acting here, plays a joy-killing dad who mounts a crusade against the only video arcade in town. Naturally a video game tournament is in order to settle matters. Enter the great Jon Gries as coin-op superstar King Vidiot and his band of punks. Gries attacks this role with all 77 of his teeth. When the movie might otherwise flag, theres Gries giving the performance of the year -- seriously. With all the cheap laughs you expect from an 80s teen comedy and a few you could never, ever possibly expect. (Lars Nilsen)

Horror Show: THE DEADLY SPAWN Dir. Douglas McKeown, 1983, R, 81 min Whats better than watching a movie with a vagina-shaped alien dismembering humans in a basement during a thunderstorm? Typically, the answer would be NOTHING! But in the case of this movie, the answer is: NOTHING! Unless it was made for less than the price of a new washer/dyer combo. Youre in luck. Douglas McKeowns THE DEADLY SPAWN is the epitome of 1980s homemade horror filmmaking. When an extraterrestrial meteorite unleashes a carnivorous beast on an unsuspecting New Jersey town, no one is safe. Grandmas, a horror-movie-obsessed-little-kid, and everyone in-between are fair game for this unstoppable eating machine and its leech-like minions. Crammed with ambition, unbelievable latex effects, and brutal gore, DEADLY SPAWN builds a special, self-contained universe and holds no ties to rational thought. If perfection existed, this movie would eat it for breakfast. (Joseph A. Ziemba) JAWS 3-D Dir. Joe Alves, 1983, PG, 99 min All right, even though you know better, if you absolutely have to go and make a sequel to JAWS, this is how you should do it. The monumental achievement of the original can never be matched, so better to zig where that one zags. First, realize that whatever director you get will never replace Steven Spielberg, so just grab whoever and make up the difference by overflowing the movie with credit-flying, severed-limb-and-headfloating, dolphin-and-orca-jumping, water-splashing-in-the-camera, slow-motion-water-ski-jumping, harpoon-firing-justlike-FRIDAY-THE-13TH-3D-but-whatre-

you-gonna-do-youre-fighting-a-shark, fake-dragons-and-snakes-popping-out, shark-exploding-and-spraying-goo-all-overthe-audience 3D.

most overlooked pictures. A World War II story with fantasy elements and a mesmerizing Tangerine Dream soundtrack, a group of Nazis led by Jrgen Prochnow must enlist the assistance of an ailing Jewish historian (Ian McKellen) to prevent an ancient demon named Molasar, previously locked up in the keep for centuries, from returning to the mortal realm. Only ever released on VHS and LaserDisc, THE KEEP is difficult to see in any form. Manns original cut is said to be 210 minutes long, but suppressed by men in suits. Will the directors cut ever see daylight!? Will there be a DVD/ Blu-Ray release? Lets hope, but for now enjoy THE KEEP on 35mm!! (Sam Prime) Video Hate Squad: THE KILLING OF SATAN Dir. Efren C. Pion, 1983, R, 95 min Move over, Jesus! Lando San Miguel saves! THE KILLING OF SATAN is a Filipino horror movie that tells the age-old tale of God Vs. Satan. That is, if God was a diminutive man named Lando who wore a jean jacket and Converse hi-tops. And Satan was an even more diminutive man with a plastic red pitchfork and mustache. Like all Filipino genre films, this one throws logic, sanity, and proper filmmaking techniques out the window. In their place, we get laser battles, manimals, zombies, boobs, and face mutilation. Its a psychedelic blast of gory absurdity, an epic adults only comic book filled with dead-serious emotions and dead-serious hilarity. All in the name of Gods revenge. (Joseph A. Ziemba) Cinema Cocktails: THE MEANING OF LIFE Dir. Terry Jones & Terry Gilliam, 1983, R, 107 min

Second, you come up with a better gimmick than that shark shows up at Amity Island again . This time the son of Chief Brody from the original, all grown up and played by Dennis Quaid, is opening a fancy new Sea World park that hes designed. Paid for by eccentric rich guy Lou Gossett Jr., its a fancy, state-of-the-art underwater park submerged in and looking out onto a manmade lagoon. It seems genuinely like a pretty neat place, but wouldnt you know it, a young up-and-comer shark named Jaws 3 spoils all the fun when he comes looking for snacks. This is what 3D was made for. No, this is what summer was made for. (Tommy Swenson)

THE KEEP Dir. Michael Mann, 1983, R, 96 min Insanely rare 35mm print! No joke, folks, we had to fly this baby in from the British Film Institute in London in order to screen it for our Summer of 83 film series. THE KEEP is one of Michael Manns best and, unfortunately,

Tired of questioning your own existence? THE MEANING OF LIFE can be yours. Why are we here? Whats life all about? Including: why were you born? Why things dont always work out. What dreams mean. Why people who dont speak your language want to hurt you. Why you like sex. How to talk to waiters. Where diseases come

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from. And why we all have to go sometime. Dont let the meaning of life pass you by, let Monty Python explain it all for you. This film will prove once and for all that there is death after life. Visual insanity and out-of-control humor from the twisted minds of Monty Python. If youre going to sit down and be confronted with your own mortality, why not do it over a custom-crafted cocktail from the mind of Alamo Beverage Director Bill Norris? We all have to die, but who says we cant enjoy ourselves a little along the way? (Greg MacLennan) MORTUARY Dir. Howard Avedis, 1983, R, 91 min A lot of slashers were released in the early 1980s. However, only one of them can boast a scene in which a young Bill Paxton attempts to get a date by bragging about his Mozart collection. And this is it! MORTUARY tows the delicate line between the slasher genres well-respected golden age and its inevitable, cannibalistic conclusion. Meaning, this movie has a creepy atmosphere and decent acting, but also a killer wearing KISS make-up. Plus roller disco dancing. When two teens with a van stumble upon a cult of witches led by the local undertaker (badass genre vet Christopher George), they dont know what to do. So they have sex with their girlfriends. One of those girlfriends has a sleepwalking problem. None of this makes sense, but it doesnt have to. Because this is a super fun slasher with graveyards, people pouring popcorn on other people, and naked boobs courtesy one of the girls from THE WALTONS. (Joseph A. Ziemba) Fathers Day: MR. MOM Dr. Stan Dragoti, 1983, PG, 91 min 1983 was a hot year for John Hughes. A lot of people probably remember NATIONAL LAMPOONS VACATION, but this Fathers Day its time we all give praise for MR. MOM, the movie that got Hughes a three-picture deal with Universal (two of which were WEIRD SCIENCE and THE

BREAKFAST CLUB). So, take that! Michael Keaton (in his first top-billing role ever) and Teri Garr star as your average ordinary couple...until their stereotypical gender roles are turned on their ends and Keaton loses his job, which forces them to decide its best if Garr goes to work while Keaton tends to the three kids. Only problem is that Keaton is hilariously inept at running a household or raising children. Manic grocery shops, watery slap fights with the washing machine, and an all out wrestling match with a vacuum are just some of the uproarious hijinks the criminally underappreciated Michael Keaton finds himself confronting in his new role as Mr. Mom. Bring your dad...or bring your mom... or bring a friend and just come watch this gut-busting send-up to how hard being a parent really is. (Greg MacLennan) Quote-Along: NATIONAL LAMPOONS VACATION Dir Harold Ramis, 1983, R, 98 min The Action Pack is joining in on the Summer of 83 fun by taking you on a road trip from hell to everyones favorite family fun park -- Walley World! Its been 30 years since Clark Griswold first gathered his family and set out on a driving vacation from Chicago to California, and long drives with your family have certainly improved since that time. How did families survive three days in the car together without iPhones and podcasts and DVD screens on backseats and zoned air conditioning and cruise control? Fortunately youll never have to experience that yourself, and instead we can all bask in our good fortune while laughing at the Griswolds bad luck. So join us on our quest for fun down Holiday Roooaoaoaoaooaaad, where were all guaranteed to end up whistling Zipadeedoodah out of our assholes! (Henri Mazza) A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER Dir. Doris Wishman, 1983, R, 69 min Projected from director Doris Wishmans personal BETA-SP master tape! This gory experiment in necessity isnt so much a misconstrued slasher as it is a boon to mankind. After a peeved lab worker

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destroyed forty percent of Wishmans original negative, she was forced to compensate. A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER was born. Vikki Kent (80s porn star Samantha Fox) returns home after a stint in a mental institution. From there, this movie pretty much forges a genre of its own. The pace moves like a bullet, loosely throwing together erratic violence and dreamy visuals with the collage aesthetic of an early Guided By Voices record. Soundtrack cues comprised of Jazzercise schlock, spooky library music, and wailing 80s shit-rock overlap. Dialogue is dubbed in the Wishman Style, which means that we hear voices, but dont see mouths moving. Or we hear voices while the camera focuses on an ashtray. The violence is snail-paced and gentle, possibly because no one wanted to hurt themselves with the real knives and axes that were in their hands. DISMEMBER is a bizarro trash-horror experience that trumps most any other. Youll never be bored. (Joseph A. Ziemba) NIGHTMARES Dir. Joseph Sargent, 1983, R, 99 min The four stories in this deeply unhinged horror anthology were originally shot as individual episodes for eerie TV series DARKROOM, but were deemed too intense and/or ridiculous for broadcast. Fortunately, they were later souped up with new, more offensive footage and released to capitalize on the success of CREEPSHOW. If youre looking for a movie with giant super-powered rats, lunatic gas station slashers and Satan in the form of a four-wheel-drive monster truck bursting out of the desert and attacking a fallen priest, NIGHTMARES should be among your top ten choices. Did I mention punk rocker/video arcade addict Emilio Estevez going one-on-one with digital demonoid The Bishop of Battle? Ai yi yi. Be here, and leave your attention span on the bus. (Zack Carlson) OCTOPUSSY Dir. John Glen, 1983, PG, 131 min 1983 is the year that produced two James

Bond films and OCTOPUSSY is, despite its overtly suggestive name, the less offensive. Bond (played by Roger Moore) must track down the folks behind a jewel smuggling operation after discovering Agent 009 dead in a literal clown suit. He meets a wealthy Afghan Prince and the titular Octopussy, but nothing is quite what it seems. Can Bond figure out what is really behind the hidden-in-plain-sight heist operation? Its nothing that Bond cannot handle, but its bigger than any cat burglar. And, wouldnt ya know it, the fate of the world may just be at stake. Oh, Bond! (Sam Prime) PSYCHO II Dir. Richard Franklin, 1983, R, 113 min Hundreds of years ago, a fat person made a movie where a guy in a dress stabs a lady in the shower. Cinephiles in sweaters uniformly declared it The Best Horror Film of All Time. When this sequel surfaced, critics roundly dismissed it as an opportunistic swipe at the engorged slasher market. This may be true, but its also a masterpiece.

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Anthony Perkins returns as Norman the one-man family circus, though the Bates Motel may have developed some murderous secrets of its own in his absence. Suddenly, Hollywoods favorite psychopath is thrust into the hero role, charged with uncovering the force behind the latest round of butcherings, and fighting to clear his good name before hes lynched by the locals. Unfortunately, hes not entirely sure hes innocent (I dont kill people... anymore.) Though its unlikely to appear on some boring white jerks Top Ten list, PSYCHO II is an intelligent, perfectly paced and impossibly entertaining achievement, tipping its hat to the preceding classic and breaking new ground of its own. That ol shower scenes got nothing on this films final minute-and-a-half. (Zack Carlson) RISKY BUSINESS Dir. Paul Brickman, 1983, R, 98 min Tom Cruise is a star today because thirty years ago, he danced to Bob Seger with his pants off. Joel Goodson (Cruise) is the son of wealthy parents who have left town and trust in their son. The rules were simple: dont touch the stereo and dont drive the Porsche. But irresponsible friends, Miles (Curtis Booger Armstrong) and Barry (Bronson Dont Call Me Balki Pinchot), soon convince him otherwise, and next thing Joel knows hes getting stoned, raiding the liquor cabinet, and running a call girl agency out of his parents home. This movie is crazy fun and INSAAAAANELY sexy. Rebecca De Mornay is the object of many a mans (and womans, no doubt) affections as a result of her turn as the prostitute that every white boy off the lake wants. Cruise shows a real tour-de-force as the corrupted rich kid who comes into his own opposite an (always) 1980s menacing Joe Pantoliano as De Mornays pimp, Guido. Cars will crash, stereo levels will rise, and clothes will fall in RISKY BUSINESS. (Greg MacLennan) Tough Guy Cinema: SCARFACE Dir. Brian De Palma, 1983, R, 170 min He loved the American Dream. With a Vengeance. Brian De Palma, Oliver Stone,

Al Pacino: it doesnt get much tougher than that. When it came to celebrating the year 1983 and singling out just ONE tough guy, how could it not be cocaine- snorting, grenade-launching, assault rifle-shooting Tony Montana?

Zzang!!!: SCREWBALLS Dir. Rafal Zielinski, 1983, R, 80 min Canada in the early 80s was a magical place. Due to radical tax shelter legislation that allowed a 100% write-off for all homegrown films, their entertainment industry was flourishing. From Cronenbergian body-horror to a slew of rural revenge DELIVERANCE ripoffs, they were making incredible genre movies like you might make a meal. One of the greatest genres to benefit from this golden age of film financing was the teenage sex comedy or boner jam . The premise of these movies was always simple. A bunch of horny teens will do ANYTHING just to catch a glimpse of some boobs. Melding the zany comedy of ANIMAL HOUSE, the single-minded sex obsession of PORKYS and the titular flourish of MEATBALLS, movies like ODDBALLS, GOOFBALLS and FIREBALLS delighted the young and the priapic everywhere. Standing tall at the top of all Canadian sex balls movies is the totally insane SCREWBALLS, an astonishing compilation of comedic segments structured loosely around the theme of breasts.

the nerd) make a solemn pact to see the breasts of the last virgin in their class, Purity Busch. Their increasingly bizarre schemes involve seeing the breasts of just about every other person in town along the way. The nerd tries to hypnotize her, the fat guy hides under the sand at the beach when she sunbathes and the jocks puts Spanish Fly in the school punch bowl. The ladies man has the unfathomably successful idea of posing as a breast inspector . Another plan involves rigging a dress with giant magnets. Hilarity abounds. This movie is overflowing with insane sight-gags and background jokes that give the impression the fabric of reality is slipping away and being replaced by a horny cartoon. The 80s boner jam does not come any more pure than this. Absolutely essential. (Tommy Swenson) Kids Club: SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES Dir. Jack Clayton, 1983, PG, 95 min, 35mm Jack Clayton (THE INNOCENTS, THE GREAT GATSBY) directs this all-star cast in a skillful adaptation of Ray Bradburys haunting novel. Two young boys skip out on an after-school detention and hear from the local lightning rod salesman that a carnival has just come into town. Suspicious at first, the two kids agree to go check out Mr. Darks Pandemonium Carnival. Everything seems in order at first, but soon discover much more than they bargained for, a thread of villainous evil that threatens the safety of their town! Can the boys convince the adults that they are in danger? Will anyone listen to them? Youll have to come to Kids Club in order to find out! Our generous sponsor Toy Joy will provide themed gifts to everyone in the audience. Thanks, Toy Joy! (Sam Prime) TRADING PLACES Dir. John Landis, 1983, R, 116 min The Duke brothers are dicks. They make a bet of the usual amount and agree to conduct an experiment of nature versus nurture by switching the lives of two people at opposite sides of the social hierarchy and observing the results. Dan Aykroyds snobbish investor lifestyle gets screwed,

The tale of a determined Cuban immigrant taking over a drug cartel in 1980s Miami while succumbing to greed was originally given an X rating three times over when first submitted to the ratings board. It wasnt until Brian De Palma got professional narcotics officers involved to claim this film was a realistic depiction of the drug underworld and should be widely seen that the ratings board lamented and gave the film an R. De Palma then distributed his preferred directors cut with an unapproved R rating. So, this month, Tough Guy Cinema is asking you to party like its 1983 as we walk the thin white line between moral drama and celebratory excess with SCARFACE. You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend! (Greg MacLennan)

During detention at T&A High School, five male students (the jock, the ladies man, the naive transfer student, the fat guy and

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while streetwise hustling Eddie Murphy gets to live the good life...until the bet is over and order is to be restored. But when the two guinea pigs hear they were the subject of some old guys stupid bet, they enlist the help of their butler (the always great Denholm Elliott) and a smoking hot prostitute with a heart of gold (Jamie Lee Curtis -- seriously 1983 was a good year to be a prostitute, see RISKY BUSINESS) to help them not only get their lives back. And get even. This satirical comedy by John Landis is great, but its elevated to legendary event status by the knock-you-down-with-greatness performances of Murphy and Ayroyd. They dont just play characters -- they ARE them, and you see them thinking as those characters, which makes the whole film play out all the more gratifyingly. Real life Statler and Waldorf muppets (Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche) fill out the supporting cast that was heralded with a BAFTA win to Curtis for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy where she showed her boobs. Plop down on a cart and start begging for change from racist old white men because you wont want to miss TRADING PLACES. (Greg MacLennan) TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE Dir. Joe Dante, John Landis, George Miller, Steven Spielberg, 1983, R, 101 min There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of mans fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone. In 1983, four of the greatest genre directors working at the time teamed up for a big budget adaptation of Rod Serlings classic TV Show. No less than Steven Spielberg, John Landis, Joe Dante and George Miller took the helm behind the camera. And they Assembled an all-star cast including John Lithgow, Dan Aykroyd, Albert Brooks and Scatman Crothers.

The four directors took turns paying tribute to the work of Serling with three adaptations of classic episodes and one original story. Now revisit this underrated, ambitious homage on the big screen! Girlie Night: VALLEY GIRL Dir. Martha Coolidge, 1983, R, 99 min A girl meets a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, and the power of their love overcomes societys objections. This classic story has shown up in a variety of film incarnations at Girlie Night, and it never gets old, which is why were excited to screen VALLEY GIRL as a part of our Summer of 83 series. When preppy Julie (Deborah Foreman) meets punk Randy (a super cute young Nicolas Cage), theres no question of their attraction, but as they attempt to bring their opposing worlds together, they discover that the distance between Hollywood and the Valley might be larger than they thought. In addition to sizzling romance, this film features a dazzling array of 80s fashion and a totally bitchin soundtrack of new wave artists, with live performances by The Plimsouls and Josie Cotton. VALLEY GIRL captures teen angst and wraps it up in an ultra fun 80s package, so join us for a Girlie Night flashback and prepare for a completely gnarly time! (Sarah Pitre)

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VIGILANTE Dir. William Lustig, 1983, R, 90 min Unfairly dismissed as a DEATH WISH ripoff by people who never got past the title and poster, VIGILANTE is a tremendous, gritty masterpiece of revenge cinema. When factory worker Robert Forsters family is victimized by street criminals, he pursues the legal route through the justice system. But when a corrupt court turns the perpetrators loose he teams up with Fred Williamsons de facto clean-up crew to drive the scum from the streets. Far more than just a button-pushing exercise in payback, VIGILANTE addresses the real issues, both social and personal, involved in taking the law in our own hands and Forster and Williamson give outstanding performances under the direction of William Lustig. Balance, pacing, action are all perfect here. If the climax of this movie doesnt have you pumping your fist in excitement, you should see a fist doctor right away. (Lars Nilsen) WARGAMES Dir. John Badham, 1983, PG, 114 min Not enough kids movies ever dealt with the harsh terrors of the Cold War. In the opening scene of this 1983 reminder about the potential (inevitable?) nuclear annihilation all mankind, two missile commanders (Michael Madsen and John Spencer!) are ordered to launch a world-ending bomb and nearly kill each other arguing what to do. Its a classic Cold War nightmare scenario, and even if thats all WARGAMES had going for it, it would still be a potent reminder of the technology thats still out there waiting to kill us all. But this movie is also about other timeless themes such as internet privacy, the arrogance of power and the perennially potent growing up in the 1980s. Matthew Broderick is an old fashioned computer need who hacks into the US missile-defense system and accidentally triggers a simulation that threatens to end life on earth. Along with his girlfriend Ally Sheedy, Broderick has to go on the run from the military and track down the systems antisocial creator by using landlines,

dot-matrix printers and gigantic floppy discs. This movie still works because it plays up the contrast between teenagers -- rebellious on the surface but conformist by nature -- with a cynical adult world that believes nuclear annihilation might not even be so bad. What endures most is the way that Broderick keeps trying to talk sense to both the adults, who blindly follow whatever their giant computer screens tell them, and the computers themselves, who are only interesting in playing a game. Nature knows when to give up. (Tommy Swenson) WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD Dir. David Worth, 1983, R, 92 min After the MAD MAX movies made the postapocalypse THE place to be, dozens of cheapo producers jumped on the bandwagon with knockoffs. Some are kind of OK, some arent. At their best these ripoffs have a special exuberant recklessness thats hard to resist. The biggest budget line-item on WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD was probably for gasoline and matches but thats OK. With the utterly charmless Robert Ginty and Persis Khambatta, the bald lady from STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE, who grew some hair for this movie. Youll grow some hair too if you can make it through this barrage of demolition derby vehicles and implausible science. Theres a truck known as the Megaweapon, if youre into that kind of thing. Even though great thespians Donald Pleasance and Fred Williamson pop in for a cup of coffee, the best actor honors go to Gintys wisecracking computer Einstein who says things like dickheads! and bad mothers! . Originally known as EXECUTIONER OF THE LOST EARTH. (Lars Nilsen) YOUNG WARRIORS Dir. Lawrence D. Foldes, 1983, R, 105 min Director Lawrence D. Foldes in person! Sometimes, youve got to take the law into your own hands. And sometimes, youve got to take some guns, ammo, a poodle wearing a cowboy hat, and go after the assholes who raped your sister. This is the way that life works in YOUNG WARRIORS.

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This is the way that life should work all of the time.

Theres a quest or something. But oh my what a truly jaw-dropping collection of flying wizards, flying warriors, flying beautiful kung fu ladies and everything else that can be rigged to a harness and sent careening through the air while on fire or whatever. Its a mind-ripping excursion into magical Chinese fantasy land and if you dont like it youre just wrong. (Lars Nilsen) o

Director Foldes (DONT GO NEAR THE PARK, LOVELY BUT DEADLY) starts with a classic T&A comedy, drowns it in darkness and pandemonium, and turns it into a warning about violence and society. This super obscure, never-on-DVD movie is an all-time #1 best action-trash masterpiece. Each minute gets better and better. And better. And at some point, a frat boy shows up in army fatigues and a crop top. Plus, Ernest Borgnine. (Joseph A. Ziemba) ZU:WARRIORS FROM THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN Dir. Tsui Hark, 1983, NR, 95 min Tsui Hark has always been a man of special vision, and fortunately for all of us, he looked at the film scene in early 80s Hong Kong and recognized that there were nowhere near enough psychedelic, laser-powered kids movies. So he packed up his cameras, his lasers and 14 miles of eyebrows (youll understand when you see the movie) and made ZU: WARRIORS FROM THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN. Ill be damned if I can explain what the movies about.

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The Articles.

TRADING PLACES: Race, Class And Pork Futures

Meredith Borders Badass Digest, Alamo Drafthouse, Fantastic Fest Managing Editor @xymarla

It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people, Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) suggests to Louis Winthorpe II (Dan Aykroyd). TRADING PLACES goes one step further by making it clear that what he really means is this: the best way you hurt white people is by turning them into black people. When Billy Ray, Louie, Ophelia (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Coleman (Denholm Elliott) board a train on New Years Eve in hopes of foiling the Duke brothers insider trading scam, they disguise themselves in variously ridiculous costumes. Billy Rays a grad student from Cameroon. Ophelias a busty, lederhosen-sporting Swede. Colemans a whisky-swigging priest. And Louis Winthorpe II, the mild-mannered, the well-bred -- how is he disguised? With Dan Aykroyd in black face. If this shocks you, its meant to. But the silly antics on the train, with the gorilla suits and the funny accents, all exist to showcase this one specific, visual representation of whats been taking place the entire film. Louie traded places with a black guy living on the streets in 1983, and learned firsthand what a crappy place that is to be. Randolph (Ralph Bellamy) and Mortimer Duke (Don Ameche), multi-millionaire brothers, are excessively invested in the debate of nature versus nurture. We can see why

they might be -- after all, being born into such immoderate privilege raises the question of whether they would have earned their success under different circumstances, or whether their supposed accomplishments are due entirely to the blind luck of birth. These are men who complain about minimum wage as they pay trifling sums to their hard-working employees. They want to feel justified in their prosperity. So how to determine if genetics or environment is the more influential factor in success? By treating human beings like pawns, of course! Even Winthorpe, with his butler and ascots, is poor by Duke Brothers standards. But thats nothing compared to wise-cracking street hustler Billy Ray Valentine. This guys for real poor. The kind of poor where he has to avoid cops who might decide to arrest him just for looking at them funny. The kind of poor where he pretends to be a blind, legless Vietnam vet so he can raise enough money to eat. Randolph and Mortimer wager the usual amount and stage an elaborate ruse to determine a very simple premise: if they pluck this black pauper off the street and give him all the advantages of a prince of commerce, will he give up his life of crime and live as a respectable (white) citizen? And if they take a wealthy, white, well-educated commodities broker (with a fiance named Penelope Witherspoon, no less) and strip him of his

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connections, his credit cards, his home, his butler and his job, will he resort to criminal (black) activities? This is the man, after all, who wanted to prosecute Valentine to the full letter of the law for robbing him, when in fact Valentine was only trying to return his briefcase. People like this are a menace to decent society, Winthorpe sniffs. Lets see how you like it when youre the menace, Louie. Of course, the very foundation of the Dukes premise is flawed. Valentine can never have the advantages of Winthorpe. On the most basic level, hes black in the 80s. If he were a Harvard-educated millionaire, hed still suffer prejudice at every turn. When Randolph attempts to prove that Valentines problems are purely the result of a poor environment, saying Theres nothing wrong with him. I can prove it, Mortimer replies in exasperation, Of course theres something wrong with him. Hes a negro! Probably been stealing since he could crawl. Racism is a very real obstacle to Valentines success. But Valentines situation is even more damning than the circumstances of his race. He doesnt have Winthorpes education or good breeding. His only connections in the shark-eat-shark world of Wall Street are the two conniving old bastards who conned him in the first place. This is a world beautifully summed up by the sign outside the Heritage Club where the Duke Brothers frame Winthorpe: Heritage Club 1776. With Liberty And Justice For All. Members Only. There is no justice for all in this world. No matter what the Dukes take from Winthorpe and give to Valentine, this is not a level playing field. If, with Winthorpes home and butler and car and job, Valentine had failed, it wouldnt be because of genetic deficiency. It would be because the mans thrown out of his element into a critically demanding environment with no real assistance or support. Fortunately, it doesnt come to that, as Valentines street smarts serve him very well in the world of commodities brokering. They also serve him well when hes wisely suspicious of the money clip full of hunnies Mortimer so unsubtly leaves on the floor for Valentine to steal. This guys too sharp for the diabolical old codgers, and he plays

it safe on his way to the top. As the Dukes explain pork belly commodities to Valentine in the most patronizing terms (which you might find in a bacon and lettuce and tomato sandwich!), Eddie Murphy breaks the fourth wall for the first and only time in TRADING PLACES. He gives us a brief, derisive glance, like Can you believe these guys? I cant, dude. So where does that leave poor, beleaguered Winthorpe? Eating smoked salmon through a dirty Santa beard on a subway. The thing is, the playing field isnt level for him, either. He doesnt have any street smarts. He has no experience with hustling. Hes never had to con a buck out of a passerby or even hail his own taxi. Valentine spends the night in jail and keeps himself mostly out of trouble through sheer bravado. Winthorpe spends the night in jail and nearly dies. Hes suffering all of the indignities and exclusion that come from being a black man living on the street, but without any of the toughness. Winthorpe wouldnt have lasted two days if he hadnt had the good fortune of running into that hooker with a heart of gold -- aptly named Ophelia, and when she tells him This isnt Shakespeare, Louie, I have to laugh, because how totally Shakespeare is this rags-to-riches, riches-to-rags operetta? So through Valentines street smarts and Winthorpes streets incompetence, Randolph wins the bet. For what amount do they turn Winthorpes and Valentines entire existences upside down? One measly dollar. Its on this point that TRADING PLACES ties in thematically with Drafthouse Films most recent acquisition, CHEAP THRILLS. In a very basic way, both films are about rich people screwing over those with less money and power for no better reason than sheer boredom. Were nothing more than a gamble to these guys. When the Gods and Satans of Wall Street feel like making a wager, were the luckless Jobs stuck with the consequences. If all of this feels like an issue of classism instead of racism (and one can argue that theyre often the same thing), (CONTINUED ON PAGE 34)

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How JAWS 3D Was Almost JAWS 3, PEOPLE 0

Devin Faraci Badass Digest Editor-In-Chief @devincf

At the end of JAWS 2, Chief Brody once again defeats a Great White Shark off the coast of Amity Island. While the film was a success -- even making only 45% of what JAWS made, it was at the time the highest grossing sequel ever -- it strained credulity to imagine a third go-round between Brody and a shark. And thats if Roy Scheider would even want to come back; he barely returned for the sequel, showing up only because he had quit DEER HUNTER (terrible move, Roy. He would have played the John Savage role) and Universal pressured him into the part. An idea was hatched: rather than just do man versus shark again, why not try something very different? Why not a spoof? And so JAWS 3, PEOPLE 0 was born. Producers David Brown and Richard Zanuck saw the success of AIRPLANE! and thought there was a possibility there. They reached out to Matty Simmons, then publisher of NATIONAL LAMPOON and the producer of ANIMAL HOUSE. He came aboard as producer, and John Hughes -- yes, THE BREAKFAST CLUBs John Hughes -- was hired, along with Tod Carroll, to write the script. The director they wanted? Joe Dante, fresh off JAWS rip-off PIRANHA. The script is fairly bizarre. Its a total inside joke movie, a film about a film crew trying to

make a JAWS sequel (the premise of this film is that the shark is an alien) while being hunted by a Great White. The movie opens with JAWS novelist Peter Benchley being eaten by a shark in his swimming pool, and theres even a part written for Steven Spielberg, if he felt like being a good sport (the script actually just calls him Director, so they could have been prepared to use an impersonator). Some of the best jokes in the movie are plays on scenes in the original JAWS, including a redo of the bonfire beach party and first shark attack, except that in the script its a bunch of Hollywood execs partying it up. Theres also a sequence where a shark is killed and gutted and a litany of items is pulled out of its stomach, including a violin, a coat and some weed. Theres a tough-as-nails marine specialist named Pierre Cockatoo, a mix between Jacques Cousteau and Quint. If the town fathers of Amity were the villains in JAWS, refusing to close the beaches, this time its the Hollywood suits, unwilling to shut down the troubled production, even as people die. The film makes a strange third act turn into seriousness, as the hero and his leading lady battle the shark to the finish, and film it as they do. The evil studio execs get their comeuppance, JAWS 3 premieres and at the end were promised JAWS 4.

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JAWS 3, PEOPLE 0 never happened, of course. Zanuck and Brown decided it was a bad idea -- maybe because it spoofed Hollywood too much, or because it was too bold (on the JAWS 2 DVD commentary Brown says making JAWS 3, PEOPLE 0 would have been akin to fouling your own nest), or maybe because the script is sort of hit or miss, with a lot more misses -- and instead they went a little more conventional, with the movie that would eventually become JAWS 3D. o

TRADING PLACES (CONTINUED FROM PAGE 28) TRADING PLACES makes its point overt in the final act. After Randolph -- whom weve believed the entire time to be rooting for Valentine to overcome the circumstances of his birth and race -- wins the bet, Mortimer rages, Do you really believe I would let a nigger run our family business? And Randolph scoffs, Of course not. I wouldnt either. Its back to the streets for ol Billy Ray. Valentine never had a shot in hell with these two. It doesnt matter how smart he is, how apt. It doesnt matter that he proved himself worthy in every aspect of the wager. Hes black. He belongs in the street, and thats where Randolph and Mortimer are going to return him. And Winthorpe, with his inability to surmount the conditions of poverty with grace, still belongs back behind the desk in a well-tailored suit. The Dukes have had their fun, and now its time to return everyone to the stations to which they were born, because living outside of your caste, of your race, is unthinkable. TRADING PLACES is a goofy movie that makes a clear, crucial plea: by 1983, it was well past time to let go of racial bias. It was well past time to level the playing fields between races and classes. TRADING PLACES, for all of its broad comedy and wacky costumes, is nothing so much as a morality play. Youre wrong, Ophelia. TRADING PLACES is Shakespeare. Shakespeare as interpreted by John Landisand the guys who wrote SPACE JAM. o

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RISKY BUSINESS: Kid Cruise Critiques Capitalism

Amy Nicholson Badass Digest Contributor @theamynicholson

Tom Cruise was denied an audition for RISKY BUSINESS. Writer-director Paul Brickman thought the 21-year-old actor was a psychopath, and for good reason. Cruise was a bit player and professional weirdo best known for playing an arsonist (ENDLESS LOVE), a killer (TAPS) and a greaser (THE OUTSIDERS). His only leading role was in the terrible teen sex comedy LOSIN IT where he starred as a kid who, uh, tries to lose his virginity to a prostitute. Brickman, a first-time filmmaker, didnt need that bad mojo. But Cruise was determined to play Joel Goodsen. He was so embarrassed by LOSIN IT that he fired his agent and hired CAAs Paula Wagner, who made a secret deal with one of Brickmans office mates to sneak Cruise into the building. Cruise shook Brickmans hand, called him Sir, and flashed his soon-to-be-trademark smile. He got the audition and he got the part, despite having to shoot his chemistry test with Rebecca De Mornay while still wrapping THE OUTSIDERS. She was repulsed by his stringy hair, chipped tooth and stink -- Cruise, a fledgling method actor, had refused to shower for most of THE OUTSIDERS 9-week shoot. Before it opened in August of 1983, RISKY BUSINESS was written off as another disposable riff on PORKYS. Thirty years later, we think of it as a sure-fire hit. Both are

wrong. That summer, RISKY BUSINESS was dangerously, electrically new. The plot sounds like dude-bro wish fulfillment: a high school senior crashes his fathers Porsche, turns his house into a brothel, and still gets admitted to Princeton. Slip on Cruises Ray-Bans, however, and the films message looks darker. RISKY BUSINESS isnt a how-to guide for achieving the American Dream. Its a deadpan satire on corrosive consumerism. Its not about prostitution. Its about capitalism, insisted producer Jon Avnet. In THE GRADUATE when Benjamin was offered a job in plastics, he rejected it as fake and lacking meaning. Today, most kids would just say, Where do we sign? Joel Goodsen is a prisoner of ambition. Instead of playing him like a hopped-up horndog, Cruises performance is paralyzed with fear. Joel is scared of everything: of his girlfriend Lana, of her pimp, of failing his SATs and of failing his parents. Brickman frames Joel like hes in a cage -- Cruise is shot behind window blinds, masks, and barred doors. We remember his pants-less dancing because its literally one of the only times he moves. Hes no Ferris Bueller and hes definitely no role model. In one scene, he desperately grabs the lapels of the school nurse to plead for an excuse from missing a midterm. A lesser comedy would have played the moment for laughs. Instead, Joel gets suspended. This world has consequences.

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Cruises blue-collar background was miles away from Joels McMansion cocoon. Hed spent his own high school years working part-time jobs to help support his single mom and three sisters. Forget the Ivy League -- at 18, hed moved to New York with nothing but $2000 bucks and his determination to make it in show business. To make sure he looked the part, before shooting began on RISKY BUSINESS, Cruise shed 14 pounds of muscle, then packed on a soft layer of fat so Joels pecs would jiggle when he wandered around in his underpants. I didnt want any physical defenses up for him, said Cruise. No muscle armor at all. RISKY BUSINESS was a surprise hit, but most critics ignored Cruises acting. They focused on praising Brickmans striking visuals, like the first-person POV sequence where Joels bustling parents harangue him about proper stereo calibration as they leave on vacation. The tunnel-vision lecture was directly inspired by THE GRADUATEs scuba scene, and shares its humiliation and absurdity. (Honey, did you pack my mace? Mrs. Goodson chirps off camera.) And like Dustin Hoffman before him, Cruise knew that nailing the role was his chance to go from character actor to star. He got the stardom, but ironically, Cruise was so convincing as a posh suburban kid that critics whod missed his more-thuggish earlier roles thought the new teen heartthrob was barely acting at all. I read a review of my dance number in RISKY BUSINESS that somehow failed to talk about my work, he sighed. After Id worked so hard to create a character, that was frustrating. A few writers praised his charisma and innocence, but one of the only critics who cut through Cruises charm to find the craft underneath was Roger Ebert, who wrote that the newborn star knows how to imply a whole world by what he wont say, cant feel, and doesnt understand. Audiences didnt understand RISKY BUSINESS, but they loved it. Thanks in part to the cheerful ending David Geffen forced upon the film, it was seen as a celebration

-- not condemnation -- of 80s capitalism. In his black t-shirt and sports coat, Cruise became the poster boy of consumerism, a persona hed go on to explore in COCKTAIL, RAIN MAN and JERRY MAGUIRE. But even if youre determined to ignore Cruises argument that Joel -- and not Rebecca De Mornays character -- may be the real prostitute, RISKY BUSINESS is still damned good. Enjoy Curtis Armstong as Joels best friend in his last few glorious months before being typecast as Booger in REVENGE OF THE NERDS. Sink into Tangerine Dreams eerily beautiful score. See if you can spot Cruises then-best friend Sean Penn in the passenger seat when Joel first backs his dads Porsche out of the driveway. Argue about whether or not Cruise and De Mornay are really boning in their subway sex scene. (Answer: No. They didnt become a real-life couple until after filming wrapped.) And join Joel -- and Cruise, who spun a heartthrob role into a three-decade career -- in knowing when to say, What the fuck, make your move. o

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NATIONAL LAMPOONS VACATION: Clark Griswold, Best Dad Ever

Brian Collins Badass Digest Contributor @brianwcollins

NBC airs NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION every year, and thus it has sort of become the favorite of the series, but for my money nothing tops the original trip to Walley World. Released in 1983, NATIONAL LAMPOONS VACATION is required viewing for anyone who has ever gone on a road trip with their family (and for comedy fans in general, given its considerable pedigree: written by John Hughes, directed by Harold Ramis, and starring Chevy Chase in his prime), and remains just as relevant today as it was thirty years ago. Indeed, its the recipient of a true badge of honor from Hollywood -- the upcoming VACATION film starring Ed Helms will not be a remake, but a sequel where Rusty (finally grown up!) takes his own family to Walley World just as his dad did for him. You know something is a legitimate classic when the studios dont have the heart to try and replace it. Its also remained Chases biggest ticket seller ever (though CHRISTMAS came close), and for good reason -- its the best hes ever been in a film, and yes, Id include FLETCH in that comparison. Irwin M. Fletcher is basically just Chevy Chase, but

Clark Griswold is a family man and devoted husband (unless Christie Brinkley happened to be around), played by Chase at a time when he had no children and was only recently married. In other words, hes actually acting here! And unlike the sequels in which Clark grows progressively stupider as the series continues, hes not just tripping down stairs for laughs. By the end of VACATION hes closer to Michael Douglas in FALLING DOWN than the typical bumbling Chase hero, slowly going insane as the world seems to actively try to stop him from giving his family their perfect vacation. The progression of mishaps is pretty steady; in EUROPEAN VACATION they were knocking down Stonehenge before being mildly inconvenienced by going to the wrong house to visit relatives, but here each disaster is worse than the last. Things start going wrong before they even leave: the Griswolds get the wrong model car and knock all the luggage off the roof backing out of the garage, and they cant even get out of their own state without another hitch when Clark cant find the gas tank on his new Wagon Queen Family Truckster. Is it any wonder someone ends up dead before they arrive in California?

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But while most of us probably cant quite relate to having a family member die in the car, the great thing about the movie is the way it manages to work in nearly every problem one might run into on a vacation without ever feeling too extreme. Credit cards are lost, maps give directions to roads that are now closed, the kids hate your music... you dont have to be a Griswold to sympathize with these moments, and its a testament to the actors that they keep their annoyance levels consistent throughout the film (which was not shot in order, of course). Beverly D Angelo in particular doesnt get enough credit for her work here as Ellen, unless you count the fact that shes the only one besides Chevy to appear in all four movies. Keep an eye on her during any car scene where Chevy is the focus, as shes always giving great eye rolls and confused looks. So even when things get a bit out of hand, the characters have been grounded enough to go along with it and keep it relatable -- a far cry from say, VEGAS VACATION, where Clark destroys the Hoover Dam and almost loses his wife to Wayne Newton. Another thing that elevates VACATION above its sequels is the firm commitment to an R rating. EUROPEAN was rated R at one point, but was trimmed slightly to achieve a PG-13, and CHRISTMAS had one F-bomb and the briefest of brief nudity to secure its PG-13, while VEGAS was fullblown PG mildness. But Clarks breakdown after Arizona (I think youre all fucked in the head! Were ten hours from the fuckin fun park and you want to bail out?!?) and plenty of nudity from D Angelo makes this an adult affair, not to mention the much darker story turns than were allowed in the sequels. Snots might have caused more damage than Dinky, but he never got tied to the rear bumper. Both director and star have expressed regret over this (on the commentary track, Ramis claims he wouldnt have made it so dark, and Chase seems embarrassed by his profanity), but with all due respect, I think theyre all fucked in the head -- if Clark werent quite so driven to get to Walley World that even a death wouldnt stop him, the movie wouldnt work.

Because at the end of the day, we all want a dad like Clark Griswold. He doesnt let work, finances, extortion, nearly dying in the desert or the death of an extended family member keep his kids from having fun, whereas most of our dads would have given up far earlier. Misguided as he may be, Clark is a hero, and thats why the movie has endured all of these years -- and why we can let it slide that he chickens out: if you watch all the way to the end credits, youll see that the Griswolds opt to fly back to Chicago, presumably leaving the Truckster behind. We can only assume that the Screamin Mimi and its loop-de-loop knocked some sense into him. o

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The Top Five Music Videos Of 1983 . . . And All Time

Henri Mazza Brand Development Director @henrimazza

No matter what your opinion of the movies of 1983 may be, one thing is indisputable: 1983 was the single greatest year for music videos ever, and it always, always will be, forever and ever, amen. Of course, music videos were still very new in 83. While labels had been creating some promotional films for their acts since they were inspired by the Beatles in A HARD DAYS NIGHT, music videos didnt really start capturing the publics imagination in a big way until MTV launched on cable airwaves in August of 1981 with their debut broadcast of The Buggles Video Killed the Radio Star. But that was 1981, and even with MTV on the scene, its not like the radios Powers That Be suddenly fell over and surrendered that very moment. Back in those days the network had to secure slots with cable providers by working city to city, and in cities where they were being piped into homes the screen could go black while VJs were switching out VHS tapes. So yeah, it really wasnt an overnight conquest. Over the next year and a half, however, MTV added more and more markets to their distribution, adding New York and Los Angeles in you guessed it 1983, and the labels started to take notice. As Les Garland, the Vice President of Programming for MTV, said in 1982, The

record companies were in serious trouble in 1980 and 1981. But theyre just now starting to have visions of coming back. Yeah, thanks MTV! all the record companies said back to him. And as they noticed that suddenly the acts getting airtime on cable television but ignored by terrestrial radio began to rack up sales, all of the record company executives began developing artists specifically for this new medium, which meant no more uglies like Bob Dylan and Carly Simon. No, those guys were radio stars, and the video stars were here to kill them. And so 1983 was the year that really gave birth to pop stars, and to dance music as a separate genre from the disco that had come before. And yeah, that means that the music videos of 1983 are pretty much to blame for Skrillex, and I know everyone likes to hate on Skrillex and DJ culture these days, but I dont care, because dancing is fun. And hating pop or dance music now because you think its cheesy just makes you one of those DETROIT ROCK CITY kids who mocked the disco kids, and those rock kids in the movie were going to see Kiss, one of the cheesiest bands of all time (although I do love their cover God Gave Rock n Roll to You II, because BILL & TEDS BOGUS JOURNEY is most non-heinous).

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Also, I should mention that 1983 was the year Kiss first appeared in public without their make up on -- on MTV. So . . . yeah. All of which is to say: pop music is great, and modern pop music really came alive with the music video culture of 1983. So the following top five videos of 1983 are the forefathers to all of the great videos that came after them, and for that, we should all be in their debt. With that out of the way, here are the Top Five Videos of 1983, as picked by our Action Pack DJs. 5. Billie Jean by Michael Jackson Video Directed by Steve Barron Yeah, 1983 was also the year Michael Jackson won all of the Grammys in the world for releasing THRILLER. And yeah, that video is on this list, too. Billie Jean was the first music video I ever saw, and as it did for so many people, it instantly changed my life. Yeah, yeah, the Moonwalk is cool, but for a little kid the sight of Michael Jackson walking on sidewalk squares that light up under his feet was AMAZING. I had no idea who Billie Jean was and why Michael was so adamant about not being her lover, but I didnt care. This video blew my mind, and from that moment on I was hooked, as was the rest of the world. After MTV started airing this video (the first from the King of Pop), his album THRILLER went on to sell another 10 million copies. 4. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) by Journey Video Directed by Tom Buckholtz Oohhhh man. This is actually the Cheesiest Video of All Time, but its soooo over the top in its terrible cheesiness that it achieves a rare kind of perfection. All the members of Journey play their air instruments and take themselves so seriously while they stare into the camera doing their best impressions of actual badasses who probably work on that dock every other day of the week. A random hot chick with spikey 80s hair keeps walking by in the background.

Steve Perry is wearing an A-frame shirt and has the best male version of Farrah Fawcett hair ever, and theres a close up shot of two dudes singing into each others faces about how true love wont desert you while that random hot chick is walking toward them from the background. Then at the end we see the whole thing was just the dream of a girl who fell asleep listening to her Walkman. Oh shit! Didnt see that coming! Our concepts were so inane, is an actual quote from producer John Diaz when talking about this video now. Im at a loss to explain that video, says Journeys keyboardist, Cain. I will never live down those air keyboards. No matter what else Ive done in my career, sooner or later people find a way to ask me about the Separate Ways video. But while it makes sense that MTV put it down as number 13 on its list of the 25 Worst Music Videos of All Time, I think thats an unfair judgment. Maybe if Id been older when it debuted and could really remember seeing it as a representation of a band that I would later enjoy telling other people they couldnt sing songs from at karaoke bars, then I would have been disappointed. But this video is such a PERFECT representation of 1983, and it was Journeys first ever attempt at a staged video, so they should get cut some slack. The only thing Journey ever did that was better than this is the shot of Steve Perry sadly shaving off his mustache in the music video for Faithfully. 3. Love is a Battlefied by Pat Benatar Video Directed by Bob Giraldi With Love is a Battlefield Pat Benatar became the very first pop star to add in dialogue that wasnt already in the song as part of the storytelling in her video. That story, of course, is all about how the then 30-year-old Pat Benatar finally decides that its time to run away from home, so she moves to the big city to try to make it in America. While shes there she writes to her brother about how life is hard, and one night shes in a bar when a creeper

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starts trying to put the moves on one of her girlfriends. So she gathers the whole gang together and they shimmy and shake at him until he has no choice but to run away. Then the girls all dance the night away, only parting at dawn, when they each walk their own separate ways while wearing super awesome 80s fashion. Heartache to heartache, they stand, and weve stood with them all this time. 2. Total Ecipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler Video Directed by Russell Mulcahy This one is the very ultimate what were they thinking when they put this concept together? video, and its just so, so, so, so, so great. It turns out that what they were thinking was, Hey, what if Bonnie Tyler was a teacher at an all boys school, but we didnt know that and thought she was just having this surreal experience with ninjas and fencers and shirtless young men who throw doves at the camera, then only at the end will we find out that was just her erotic dream she had about her students and it gets all creepy when one of the boys in her school gets the bright eyes and seems to know how much she wants to hook up with all of them? And that is the kind of story that doesnt diminish the awesomeness of this ultra-classic video in any way. 1. Thriller by Michael Jackson Video Directed by John Landis Duh. Its Thriller. Of course its Number One. It has been scientifically proven in dozens of clinical studies that there will never be a music video better than this. Some proof: Its directed by John Landis. It costars a former Playboy centerfold. Theres a voiceover from Vincent Price (and a zombie Vincent Price) and Rick Baker worked on the prosthetics and make up. Every year people all over the world come together to dance the iconic choreography (at one point we even held the world record for the most zombie dancers in one place with our Alamo event in Austin that had 8,000+ dancers on the patio at the Long Center), and it has

influenced every single music video director that has come after it. If you think there will ever be a music video better than Thriller you need to punch yourself in the face as hard as you can. So yeah, the music videos of 1983. I mean -- seriously. Spike Jonze is great. Adam Yauch/Nathaniel Hornblower was a fucking genius. And Hype Williams is really good at getting close up shots of boobs in bikinis. But goddamn it, 1983 was a great year for music videos. Which is why the Action Pack is MORE than happy to join in on the entire Summer of 1983 party the Alamo is throwing this year, and we will be celebrating the music videos of 1983 in all of our 80s dance parties throughout the month of June. Those events will feature all of the top five videos as well as a lot of other favorites we didnt have room for here. Because that video for Say Say Say with Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney is just too good. Read about the Top Ten Videos of 1983 at BadassDigest.com! o

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ALSO AT THE ALAMO

For tickets and showtimes, visit drafthouse.com.

the Val party and thank an LA city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid. You dont want to miss it, so be sure to make time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to attend. (Sarah Pitre) EXPERIMENTAL RESPONSE CINEMA Join us in welcoming Austins own Experimental Response Cinema collective to the Ritz. Avant-garde film and video artists devoted to bringing local, national and international experimental film to Austin screens, ERC now presents its most ambitious program to date. This will be an incredibly special screening composed entirely of experimental films made in that now-classic gauge of 35mm. Experimental cinema on any format is rare enough; a program of 35mm works is even rarer. Featuring films with flickering rhymes to re-animated frames of home video and including work by Christina Battle, Joshua Bonnetta, Louise Bourque, Stan Brakhage, Siegfried A. Fruhauf, Lawrence Jordan, Chris Kennedy, Peter Kubelka, Pat ONeill, and Peter Tscherkassky. Afternoon Tea: FINDING NEVERLAND Dir. Marc Forster, 2004, PG, 106 min

Fathers Day: THE GREAT ESCAPE Dir. John Sturges, 1963, NR, 172 min Three years after THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN director John Sturges and the almost illegally masculine trio of Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson and James Coburn re-teamed up to create one of the greatest movies ever made about WWII.

AGFA Reel One Party: Dadliest Fathers Day Edition Dir. Various, UR, 200 min At a secret location in Austin, theres a huge 35mm film archive known as the American Genre Film Archive (AGFA) containing the wildest exploitation titles in cinema history! Many of the 35mm film prints contained in the film archive are not fully documented, so periodic inspections are conducted at which time we prepare and thread up several reel ones -- that is to say the first 15-20 minutes of otherwise unknown or forgotten films. The result is a fun and informative experience that, to the adventurous cinemagoer, spells an incomparable night out on the town, a rare experience to see something totally rare! Just in time for Fathers Day, AGFAs Reel One Party inspection series returns! This time around, you can expect four decidedly dad-themed unseen film oddities from the collection to appear on the screen. At the end of the four reel ones, the audience will vote for their favorite, well take a short break, and then watch the audience choice film from start to finish. Bring your dad or even someone elses along for the amazing journey! (Sam Prime) Master Pancake: BRAVEHEART Dir. Mel Gibson, 1995, R This June, Master Pancake quells everyones favorite tale of Scottish rebellion: BRAVEHEART (1995). Featuring an egregiously be-mulleted Mel Gibson as Scottish face-painter William Wallace, a warrior and Jesus-figure that Mel can really sink his nails into. Also starring Patrick McGoohan as Wallaces unfortunately named enemy, Edward Longshanks. And speaking of

length, if youre worried about run-time, you neednt: Master Pancake has edited this 3-hour epic down to a lean 1.5 hours. Just enough time to make you laugh til youre blue in the face. Come out and watch as Master Pancake declares primae noctis on this 90s classic! (John Erler)

CLUELESS Quote-Along Dir. Amy Heckerling, 1995, PG-13, 97 min You guys, this movie is, like, a cinematic masterpiece of the 20th century. Before reinventing Jane Austen became clich, Amy Heckerling adapted the classic story of Emma into a hilarious, insanely clever satire of adolescence in Beverly Hills. This film spawned fashion trends, countless slang terms (AS IF!) and gave Alicia Silverstone a reason to exist beyond Aerosmith videos. Even after 18 years, I am still majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with CLUELESS, and I quote it incessantly, whether Im rolling with the homies or pausing at stop signs. Now, thanks to the subtitling magic of the Action Pack, we can say all of our favorite lines together during the film, plus there will be props to help us pretend that, for one glorious night, were the Class of 95 at Bronson Alcott High School. Well play matchmaker for sweet old teachers, make a cameo at

Peter Pan is a timeless tale that has enchanted generations of children and adults alike. But as FINDING NEVERLAND proves, the story of Peter Pans creator, J. M. Barrie, is just as inspiring. Starring Johnny Depp, this poignant film explores Barries extraordinary friendship with Sylvia Llewelyn Davies (Kate Winslet) and her four young sons. As Barrie introduces the power of imagination to the Davies household, he forges an intense bond with the boys, particularly Peter (Freddie Highmore), and finds a new sense of meaning in his life and work. Packed with powerful performances and whimsical flourishes, this Oscar-nominated movie is the cinematic equivalent to fairy dust, and it will send your spirits flying. Your ticket also includes three servings of tea and a plate of treats, so your stomach wont feel left out of the fun. Just plan on bringing some tissues, because otherwise youll end up watering down your tea with tears. (Sarah Pitre)

The film opens with the arrival of a batch of POWs to a prison camp built just for them. The Nazis, in their infinite wisdom, decided to populate this state-of-the-art facility with the cream of the crop -- those prisoners deemed an extreme flight risk. Thus, the finest escape artists of the age are imprisoned together, with just one thought on their mind . . . A brilliantly crafted film, which builds massive tension throughout and does the impossible: it makes a movie about Nazis massively entertaining. This Fathers Day were making one of the all-time best Dad Movies even better for your pop by offering some tasty food and brews specials. Seriously, cheering Steve McQueen and company on with a beer in one hand and a busy fork in the other is the absolute best Fathers Day gift imaginable.

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JIGGY CRUNK: THE 90s POP RAP Sing-Along Regulators!!!! Mount up! Weve done a few different versions of our JIGGY CRUNK party over the years, but thanks to a new infusion of music videos that had previously been unavailable, were taking this years edition of JIGGY CRUNK back to its 90s rap roots. Well be sipping on gin and juice in Gangstas Paradise like the ghetto superstars we all longed to be back in that decade that gave us Biggie, Blackstreet, the Fresh Prince, Puff Daddy, and Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. But well also be sure to slow it down a little bit with some 90s R&B crooners, because we believe we can fly, and we also just like any excuse to singalong to Seals Kiss From a Rose with a crowded room. Hip Hop Hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! (Henri Mazza)

Pray (Ryan ONeal) is a traveling bible-selling con man who stumbles across a funeral and meets young Addie Loggins (Tatum ONeal), a girl whose mother recently passed away. After an uncanny remark expressing that Pray and Loggins resemble one another, Pray agrees to transport Loggins to her aunts home in St. Joseph, Missouri -- for a small fee. Tensions ride high between Moses and Addie at the outset, but they soon realize that together they make quite a team and that they are better off with each other than without. Tatum ONeal won the Oscar for this role. Dont forget to place your order for a Coney Island during this Fathers Day favorite! (Sam Prime) Bangarang!: STAY TUNED Dir. Peter Hyams, 1992, PG, 88 min Most people would love to get onto television, but Helen and Roy have 24 hours to get out of it . . . literally! Helen has had it up to HERE with Roy (John Ritter) and his couch potato ways. After a TV-smashing fight, Roy is left devastated and alone until Spike, emissary of the Devil (Jeffrey Jones), shows up to cure all his woes with a high-tech satellite dish that streams 666 channels of pure social commentary, gruesome murders, and Satan-filled excellence you wont find on any of those major networks. Soon, Roy and Helen find themselves sucked into their satellite and locked into a macabre game of Hell TV where they must survive in the shows they watch for 24 hours. Their only tool for survival? Their remote control, where one channel change could be the difference between life and death. A satirical tour-de-force by Peter I made TIME COP Hyams, this film features all the pop culture touchstones of the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Youll see John Ritter as a Chuck Jones-animated mouse, a Prince-like dancing machine in a Salt-NPepa music video, and literally everything in between. This movie is pure cinematic fun, and it has only been made available on VHS, so do yourself a favor and catch this treasure on the big screen because Hell is just one TV show after another. BANGARANG! (Greg MacLennan) o

Fathers Day: PAPER MOON Dir. Peter Bogdanovich, 1973, PG, 102 min Anything is possible, but possible dont make it true! Peter Bogdanovich brilliantly cast real-life father and daughter Ryan and Tatum ONeal in the leading roles of the depression-era story PAPER MOON, and together these three truly remarkable artists create a must-see movie. Moses

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