Social Psychology

Relationships
2008

Lecturer: James Neill

Readings
Bauemeister & Bushman (2008):
Part

1: Ch10 Attraction and Exclusion 2: Ch11 Close Relationships: Passion, Intimacy, and Sexuality
2

Part

Overview: Pt 1
(Attraction & Exclusion)
The

need to belong Interpersonal attraction Rejection / social exclusion

The Need to Belong

(Affiliation)

Desire to form & maintain close, lasting relationships with other individuals.

Homo sapiens:
Appear

The need to belong

to need contact with other members of their species. Experience a powerful drive to form & maintain close lasting relationships. Usually form relationships easily. Are reluctant to end relationships. Seek an optimal balance between social contacts & solitude.

The need to belong

Basic need to belong is not unique to humans
People

can be similar on more dimensions People spend much time & energy to secure their place in the social group

The need to belong

Belongingness

consists of:

Regular social contact with others Close, stable, mutually intimate contact
One

without the other partial satisfaction

8

The need to belong

People do not continue to form relationships:
Typically

seek ~4 to 6 close relationships. Even in people-rich environments, most people form social circles of about 6 people.

Marriage
People

who marry live longer, healthier lives People who stay married live longer and better than those who divorce Happy marriage is an important consideration
10

Interpersonal
Attraction Repulsion

Forces which draw 2 or more people together.

Forces which drive 2 or more people apart.

11

Ingratiation What people actively do to try to make others like them.

12

Similarity

Common, significant cause of attraction Tend to like others who are similar to us Otherwise we experience cognitive

dissonance.

13

Similarity
Do

opposites attract? i.e., do we need complementarity? little supporting evidence Spouses are similar in many respects: IQ physical attractiveness Education SES Couples more similar in attractiveness more likely to progress to committed relationship.
14

Fig. 10-2, p. 334 15

Matching Hypothesis
People are attracted to & form relationships with others who are similar to them in physical attractiveness.

16

Self-monitoring
People change to become more similar to those with whom they interact:
High

self-monitoring self-monitoring

(field dependent) maximise each social situation

Low

(field independent) interested in permanent connections and feelings

17

Similarity
As cultures progress & form large, complex groups, there is more need for complementarity, e.g.,:

Risks

in joining a new group People tend to look for similarity

18

Reinforcement theory
Behaviors

reinforced tend to be

repeated

People

tend to be attracted to those who are rewarding to them

19

Reinforcement theory
Reinforcement-

affect model based on principles of classical conditioning Associate attractive person with rewards & positive affect
20

Reciprocity
Liking

begets liking; We like those who like us Mimicking increases liking. If someone likes you:
Initially it is very favorable, but If that liking is not returned, it can be a burden
We

tend to prefer relationships that are psychologically balanced.

23

The gain-loss hypothesis

We like people most if they initially dislike us & then later like us e.g.,

4 6 10

Degree of liking

(Aronson & Linder, 1965)

0 Neg-Pos Pos-Pos Neg-Neg Pos-Neg

24

Order of feedback

Playing hard to get

Prefer

those who are moderately selective (turned

off by those too readily available & those who reject us).

s towards bar closing time for those not in a relationship (Madey et al., 1996). Reactance if freedom of choice threatened, desire s for difficult to attain goal.
Attractiveness
25

Social Exchange Theory

People are motivated to benefits & costs in their relationships with others.

Rewards
e.g., love, companionship, sex

Costs
e.g., effort, conflict, compromise, sacrifice, risk

26

Social Exchange Theory

Comparison

level (CL) average, expected outcome in relationships Comparison level for alternatives (Calt) expectations of rewards in alternative situation (what could I get elsewhere?) (Sunk) Investment things put into relationship that cant be recovered.

27

Equity Theory (Balance Theory)

People

are most satisfied with a relationship when the ratio between benefits & contributions is similar for both partners Your benefits = Partners benefits Your contributions = Partners contributions
28

Equity Theory (Balance Theory)

Prefer

relationships that are psychologically balanced. Motivated to restore balance in relationships

29

Equity theory applied to two equitable and two inequitable relationships

PETER Outputs Inputs OLIVIA PETER OLIVIA

Equity perceived

Outputs Inputs

Equity not perceived

Average

Inputs or ouputs are: Few

Many
30

Commitment to ones relationship is weaker when many high-quality alternative partners are available.

32

Propinquity
(Exposure or Psychological Proximity)
Best

predictor of a relationship is proximity or nearness. Mere-exposure effect

The more were exposed to something, the more we like it.

Familiarity
greater liking for a familiar stimulus.

Overexposure

can reduce liking. People also weigh:

Availability - interaction is easy & low cost Expectation of continued interaction
33

Moreland & Beach (1992)

4

different women (confederates) attended a lecture over a semester. Four conditions: each attended 0, 5, 10, or 15 times. Participants (students in the lectures) then viewed pictures of the 4 women They liked/ were most attracted to the woman they had been exposed to most.
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Moreland & Beach (1992)

4.6 4.4 4.2 4 3.8 3.6 3.4 3.2 3 0 5 10 15
35

Ratings of attraction.

Familiarity & exposure

Social

allergy effect

Annoying habits become more annoying over time

Familiarity

& repeated exposure can

make bad things worse encourage liking someone
37

Neighbors make friends and enemies

Festinger

et al. (1950) et al. (1976)

Strongest predictor of friendships was propinquity

Ebbesen

Strongest predictor of enemies was propinquity

Regular

contact amplifies or multiplies power of other factors

38

Rate this womans:

1 2 3 4 5

Intelligence Happiness Success

= = = = = Well below average Below average Average Above average Well above average
39

John or Matt?

John:

25 years old Car salesman Rents a small apartment Lives on his own. Does not have a girlfriend. Allergies limit time he can spend outdoors.

Matt:

26 years old Business executive Owns two houses Happily married Enjoys travelling, yacht racing, and nightclubbing.
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A
p. 340

41

B
p. 340

42

Attractiveness
Most

people show preference for attractive over unattractive What is beautiful is good effect
Attractiveness = superiority on other traits
Attractive

children are more popular with peers and teachers Babies prefer attractive faces
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Attractiveness
For

men, clothing represent wealth and status

High wealth & status men are more attractive

Body

shape influences attractiveness

Cultural variation in ideal body weight
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Beauty
People

agree who is beautiful but not why Evolutionary psychology beauty in women ~ Health, youth, fertility Symmetry is attractive Typicality is attractive Average or composite faces are more attractive than individual faces
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Beauty
Babies

show a preference for faces considered attractive by adults. Some cultural & historical differences in perception of beauty Despite cultural & historical differences there is a considerable degree of agreement as to what is thought of as beautiful.

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Beauty
Bias

towards beauty - why? Aesthetic rewards Reflected glory What-is-beautiful-is-good stereotype associate beauty with other good things Beautiful judged to be - intelligent, successful, happy, well-adjusted, socially skilled, confident, assertive (& vain)
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Beauty
In

reality, beauty not related to intelligence, personality adjustment or SES Costs of beauty hard to interpret positive feedback pressure to maintain appearance little relationship between beauty in youth & satisfaction/adjustment in middle-age (Berscheid et al., 1972)
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Evolutionary Perspectives on Attraction / Mate Selection

Gender

differences in mate selection & sexual behaviour Males tend to have more sexual partners & partners that are young & attractive (more fertile). Women tend to have fewer sexual partners & partners who are older & financially secure (better providers for offspring). 49

Evolutionary Perspectives on Attraction / Mate Selection

Triver

(1972) - parental investment

theory Buss (1994) - evolutionary perspective Gender differences in jealously BUT - differences between sexes small compared to similarities
50

Social
Acceptance Rejection
(Social Exclusion; Ostracism)

People like you & include you in their groups.

People exclude you from their groups.

51

Not belonging is bad for you

Failure to satisfy a need to belong leads to detrimental effects, e.g.,:
rates among people without social connections. People without a good social network have physical & mental health problems.
Death
52

Social Exclusion
(video; 5:53 mins)

Rejection
Ostracism

Excluded, rejected, & ignored

Effects

of rejection
54

Inner states are usually -ve

Rejection
Rejection sensitivity Expect rejection & become hypersensitive to possible rejection
You

hurt my feelings = You dont care about the relationship

Implicit message of rejection
55

Rejection
Extent

of hurt feelings is based on:

Importance of relationship Clearness of rejection signal

Initial

reaction to rejection emotional numbness

Interferes with psychological and cognitive functioning
56

Behavioral Effects of Rejection

s in intelligent thought Approach new interactions with skepticism Typically less generous, less cooperative, less helpful More willing to cheat or break rules Act shortsighted, impulsive, selfdestructive
Show
57

Behavioral Effects of Rejection

Repeated

rejection can create aggression Aggression can lead to rejection Common theme in school shootings is social exclusion

58

Loneliness
Desired

> actual social

contact Painful feeling of wanting more human contact Lacking in quantity and/or quality of relationships Occurs during times of transition & disruption (e.g., moving, divorce)
59

Loneliness
Unattached

lonelier than attached Widowed, divorced lonelier than never married 18-30 year olds - loneliest group Little difference between lonely & unlonely Lonely have more difficulty understanding emotional states of others Loneliness tends to be bad for physical health
60

Social capital
Collective

value of all "social

networks Inclinations that arise from these networks to do things for one other

61

Bowling Alone (Putnam, 2000)

Declining Social Capital: Trends over the last 25 years
Attending Family Having 10

club meetings

dinners friends over

minutes of commuting s social capital by 10%.

62

Social rejection
Children are rejected by peers because they:
are

aggressive withdraw from contact are different in some way

63

Social rejection
Adults are most often rejected for being different from the rest of the group
Groups

reject insiders more than outsiders for the same degree of deviance Deviance within the group threatens the groups unity
64

Social rejection
Bad

apple effect

One person who breaks the rules may inspire others to do the same
Threat

of rejection influences good behavior

65

Romantic rejection & unrequited love

Attribution theory & women refusing dates
Privately

held reasons were internal to the man, stable, & global Reasons told the man were external, unstable, and specific
These reasons encourage asking again
66

Romantic rejection & unrequited love

Unrequited

Love

Men are more often rejected lover; women do the rejecting more often
Stalking

Women are more often stalked

67

(Close Relationships, Passion, Intimacy, and Sexuality)

What

Overview: Pt 2

Is love? Types of relationships Maintaining relationships Sexuality

69

Love relationships
Liking versus loving Passionate love intense, involves physiological arousal Companionate love - caring & affection Characterised by high levels of selfdisclosure

70

What is love?
I love my grandmother Im in love with my boyfriend I love psychology

71

Two types of love

Passionate Companionate
Physiological
Presence of PEA

difference

72

Passionate Love
Strong, intense feelings of
Longing Desire Excitement

toward another person.

73

Passionate Love
Most

cultures have passionate (romantic) love, although forms & expressions vary Not always viewed positively Paradox of marrying for passionate love:
Long-term commitment based on temporary state

74

Companionate Love
Affection for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined:
Mutual Caring Commitment Calm,

understanding

serene emotions

Important for successful marriages

75

Passionate love as a social construction

Romantic

love is found in most cultures Forms & expression vary by culture Attitude varies by culture & era
76

Love across time

Passionate love is important for starting a relationships

Companionate love is important for making it succeed & survive

77

78

79

Fig. 11-3b, p. 365

80

Sternbergs (1988) Triangular Model of Love

PASSION INTIMACY
Motivational: physiological arousal, longing, sexual attraction Emotional : closeness, sharing, support, understanding, concern : Cognitive conscious decision, willing to define as love, long term
81

COMMITMENT

Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg (1988)

82

Schacters 2-factor theory of emotion 1. Physical arousal 2. Cognitive appraisal

(interpret arousal as love)

83

Hatfield & Walsters 3-factor Theory of Romantic Love 1. Cultural exposure 2. Physiological arousal 3. Presence of appropriate love object
84

Hatfield & Walsters 3-factor Theory of Romantic Love

Cultural exposure + Physiological arousal + Appropriate love object
85

Romantic Love

Exchange vs. Communal

Exchange

relationships

Based on reciprocity & fairness More frequent in broader society Increases societal progress & wealth

Communal

relationships

Based on love & concern without expectation of repayment More frequent in close intimate relationships More desirable, healthier, & mature

87

Exchange vs. Communal

Exchange

relationships encourage progress and wealth in larger groups We dont like calculating equity in our serious relationships If people keep track of every little thing, it doesnt feel like love Communal relationships are more desirable in intimate relationships
88

Attachment - Bowlby
Influenced

by Freudian & learning theory Believed childhood attachment predicted adult relationships
89

Attachment - Shaver
Identified attachment styles to describe adult relationships Anxious/Ambivalent Secure Avoidant
90

Attachment styles
People can classify themselves reliably. Choose the description that best fits your relationships:
1. I

find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable

depending on them and having them depend on me. I dont often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting close to me.
91

Attachment styles
2. I

find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.

often worry that my partner doesnt really love me or wont want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.

92

Attachment styles
3. I

am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I find it

difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and, often love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.
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3 Original Attachment Styles

SECURE (56%) ANXIOUS/ AMBIVALENT (19%) AVOIDANT (25%)
Attachments marked by trust / other will continue to provide love & support. Fear of abandonment; feeling /ones needs arent being met Defensive detachment from other
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2 Dimensions of Attachment Theory developed along two dimensions:

Anxiety

attitudes toward self Avoidance attitudes toward others

95

Attachment styles
Secure

attachment Dismissing avoidant attachment Fearful avoidant attachment Preoccupied attachment

96

97

Attachment
The new model splits avoidant types into two groups Dismissing avoidants are independent See themselves as worthy, but seek to prevent intimacy Fearful avoidants have low opinions of themselves Worry they arent lovable
98

Avoidant Attachment Style

They

still have the need to belong Inner conflict: want contact but fear closeness They have as much social contact as others. They are NOT loners, isolates Hence may want to juggle relationship partners. Keep many relationships going but not let one get too close
99

Attachment Matching
People

do not always form relationships with others with same attachment style Having one secure person improves relationship outcome (and two are better than one) Rare to have both anxious, or both avoidant Avoidant men, anxious women do well; anxious men with avoidant women, not so good
100

Attachment & Sex

Secure

Generally have good sex lives

Preoccupied

May use sex to pull others close to them

Avoidant

Have a desire for connection May avoid sex, or use it to resist intimacy
101

Self-esteem & love

Popular

belief that you need to love yourself before you can love others
Not demonstrated in theory or facts

Self-esteem

Low self-esteem may feel unlovable High self-esteem may feel more worthy than present partner

102

Self-love & loving others

Self-acceptance

is good for getting along

with others Excessive self-love (e.g. narcissism) can be detrimental to close relationships
Self-acceptance

More minimal form of self-love Linked to positive interactions

103

Maintaining relationships
Good relationships tend to stay the same over time
Popular

myth that they continue to

improve Key to maintaining a good relationship is to avoid a downward spiral

104

Is honesty the best policy?

People

in love hold idealised versions of each other Is it better to be yourself? Yes and no:
Research supports that we want our partners to view us as we view ourselves Relationships can thrive when couples remain on their best behavior More idealisation leads to stronger, longer relationships

105

Is honesty the best policy?

Fig. 11-6, p. 377 106

Maintaining relationships
People

perceive good relationships as getting better & better Research shows that relationships either stay the same or go downhill
107

Maintaining relationships
For

relationships to succeed couples must avoid the downward spiral

Reciprocity of negative behaviour

Positive

interactions must occur at least 5 x as often as negative ones

108

Why do people stay with their relationship partners?

SATISFACTION:

quality of the relationship, good interactions, makes me happy Kind of obvious But explains only about 30%
109

Why do people stay with their relationship partners?

ALTERNATIVES:

if you left this relationship, what would replace it? Might leave a good partner in pursuit of a better one Some guesswork
110

Why do people stay with their relationship partners?

INVESTMENT/SUNK

COSTS = what you have put into the relationship that will be lost if you leave Examples, long effort to understand each other, learning to get along Shared history together (experiences, memories, children, projects)
111

Attributions
Difference in terms of attribution: Relationship-enhancing:
Good acts - internal; Bad acts - external factors
Distress-maintaining:

Good acts - external factors Bad acts - internal

112

Attributional processes
Why

didnt he do the dishes? he never wants to help out

Typical

Distress-maintaining style of attribution Unhappy couples attribute negative events to their partners and positive events to external factors
113

Attributional processes
Why He

didnt he do the dishes?

must have had a hard day at work.

Relationship-enhancing style of attribution Happy couples attribute negative events to external factors and positive events to their partners
114

Optimism & devaluing

Optimism in the relationship Happy couples have an idealised version of their relationship

Exaggerate the success of their relationships Devaluing alternatives

People in lasting relationships do not find others appealing
115

Investment model
3

factors to explain long-term relationships

Satisfaction Alternatives Investments

Considered

together they predict the likelihood of maintaining the relationship

116

The Investment Model of Commitment

Satisfaction Level Quality of Alternatives Investment Size Commitment Level Decision to Remain

117

The Investment Model of Commitment

Explains

why people remain in relationships with abusive or unsatisfying partners: if alternatives arent good, or sunk costs are high 3 factors explain ~90% of variance in relationship outcomes Also works for keeping versus changing jobs

118

Sexuality
Humans

form relationships based on two separate systems

Attachment system
Gender neutral

Sex drive
Focus on opposite sex (procreation)

Love

comes from attachment drive; independent of gender

119

Theories of sexuality
Social

constructionist theories Evolutionary theory

Gender differences based in reproductive strategies
Social

exchange theory

120

Sex & gender

Men

> women sex drive Coolidge effect sexually arousing power of a new partner
(greater than the appeal of a familiar partner)
Separating

sex & love Men likely to seek & enjoy sex without love Women likely to enjoy love without sex
121

A woman pays a higher biological price than a man for making a poor choice of sex partners, and so it behooves women to be more cautious than men about sex.
122

123

Homosexuality
Homosexuality challenges theories of sexuality
Most

cultures condemn it Natural selection does not support it

124

Homosexuality
EBE

Exotic becomes erotic (Bem, 1998)

Sexual arousal as a label for emotional nervousness resulting from exposure to the exotic

Difficult

to test and verify this theory

125

Extradyadic sex
Most

reliable data suggests infidelity is rare in modern Western marriages Tolerance for extramarital sex is fairly low Extramarital sex is a risk factor for break ups
Cannot demonstrate causality

126

Extradyadic sex
Long-term monogamous mating is more common among humans. Culture:
plays

a role in monogamy gives permission for divorce influences love and sex

127

128

Reasons for straying

Men

desire novelty

Sometimes engage in extramarital sex without complaint about their marriage

Womens

infidelity more characterised by emotional attachment to lover

Usually dissatisfied with current partner
129

Ending relationships:
4 factors (Levinger, 1980) 1. A new life seems the only alternative 2. Alternative partners available 3. Expectation that relationship will fail 4. Lack of commitment
130

Ending relationships
4 stages once relationship has started to fail (Rusult & Zembrodt, 1983) 1. Loyalty wait for improvement 2. Neglect allow deterioration 3. Voice behaviour work on improving 4. Exit behaviour - end
131

Relationship Dissolution Model

(Duck, 1988, 1992) - 4 phases
1. 2. 3. 4.

Intrapsychic
brooding

Dyadic
do something

Social
tell friends, seek support

Grave-dressing
end relationship, getting over it, bury & memorialise.

132

Jealousy & possessiveness

Cultural

theory

Product of social roles & expectations

Biological

theory Sexual jealousy in every culture

Forms, expressions, & rules may vary

Society

can modify but not eliminate jealousy

134

Evolutionary theory of jealousy

Men To help ensure they do not support the upbringing of anothers child Women If husband becomes emotionally involved with another, he may withhold resources
135

Jealousy & possessiveness

Jealousy

can focus on either sexual or emotional connections with another Men tend to focus more strongly on sexual aspects than women
136

Causes of jealousy Jealousy is a function of person & situation:

Many suspicions are accurate Paranoid (false) jealousy is fairly rare

137

Jealousy & type of interloper

The

less of a threat from the other person, the less jealousy

Jealousy depends on how their traits compare to the third party

Both

men & women are more jealous if the 3rd party is a man rather than a woman

138

Social reality
Social

reality

Public awareness of some event Important role in jealousy

High

social reality = High jealousy

The more other people know about your partners infidelity, the greater your jealousy
139

Culture & female sexuality

All

culture regulate sex in some ways Cultural regulation is more directed at women
Erotic plasticity Paternity uncertainty
140

Erotic plasticity
Degree

to which social, cultural, and situational factors influence sexuality Female sexuality is more plastic (cultural), male is more natural (biological) Neither is inherently better (no value judgment)
141

References
Baumeister,

R. F., & Bushman, B. J.

(2008). Social psychology and human nature (1st ed.) Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadsworth.

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