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MR GAZETTE

MISTER GAZETTE
Issue 2: Electric
Boogaloo
Super Walden Bros
Publications
“New look, same great taste!”
USS MAINE EXPLODES IN HAVANA HARBOR!!!! IN THIS ISH OF
THE GAZETTE

Articles by the Waldens ‘n


friends!
STOOP KID
AFRAID TO
LEAVE STOOP
ulputpat ipsum nummy nim er sequis nos augiamet

Do we have your attention now? Good

Members of Journey angry that ‘Any Way You


Want It’ is only ever used in commercials The imminent
Jack Walden
HANFORD, CA- Members of the rock group Journey officially declared their displeasure
last week that their 1980 song ‘Any Way You Want It’ is “only ever used in stupid com-
zombocalypse
mercials.” In a joint statement released last Friday, the band stated, “this song was sup-
posed to about girls or something. When we wrote it, we had no idea it had customer and you
service undertones and a relatable rock and roll feel that is both hip to young peo-
ple and nonthreatening to old people.” The band also used the publicity to complain
about the public’s use of ‘Don’t Stop Believin’. “It seems like everyone thinks that Don’t
Stop Believin’ is just gonna be a karaoke show stopper and that everybody just loves
it. Please listen two more than just those two of our songs, and maybe use them for
things other than karaoke and commercials.” Journey has fallen seismically since their
popularity in the 70s and 80s, reduced to state fair concerts and a fan base consisting
of middle-aged dads and a couple sophomores. Members of Journey refused to talk to
us, but Mr. Gazette did get a statement from aging bisexual mummy, space enthusiast,
and occasional musician David Bowie. “It’s hard out there, man. I mean, I accidentally
wrote a song that made Vanilla Ice famous.” As a result of Journey’s plea, a few Ameri-
cans turned their heads for a second, and then went back to their regular schedules of
not paying attention to Journey.
MISTER GAZETTE
MR GAZETTE STAFF
Supreme Mugwump
Man appalled at KFC’s decision
Charlie Walden FILLER BEARS to serve grilled chicken
High Chancellor Malcolm Kelner and Benton Graham
Jack Walden Junior Chicken Correspondents
KNOXVILLE, TN— A recent addition to Kentucky Fried Chicken’s
menu has a local man feeling a mixture of negative emotions.
Grand Moff “Grilled chicken? It just doesn’t make sense,” said local airport
Michael Carter worker and frequent KFC customer, Brian Thorpe. He, of course,
is speaking about KFC’s recent decision to serve grilled chicken,
as a healthier alternative to its usual secret recipe fried chicken.
Junior Chicken Correspondents Thorpe visits his local Knoxville KFC restaurant
Malcolm Kelner location about 1-2 times a week, and sometimes even 3 when
he is in the right mood. “I’d say eight times out of ten, I order
Benton Graham the Half Chicken Meal, which comes with two drumsticks, two
thighs, and my personal choice of two sides and a delicious,
flaky buttermilk biscuit, with some honey. That meal is just
Burgermeister plain unbeatable right there. Oh, and for the sides, I usually
Michael “Bloodbath” McGrath get some mashed potatoes with gravy on the side, and some
potato wedges as well. I’m getting hungry just thinking about
it!”
Sports Columnist However, during these tough economic times,
Billy Mays Thorpe likes to economize, which he’s able to do at KFC
because of their economically conscious value menu, where all
items are $1 or less. “When I’m running low on money, I usually
Survivalist pick up a couple of Snackers, one honey barbecue and one
original. I like to keep things simple most of the time. I’m a big
Jackson “Snake Eater” Sabes tradition guy. This really is my first love.” However, the toothy
smile quickly fades from Thorpe’s face when we asked him why
D-Webb-in-Chief he’s so upset and confused over the addition of grilled chicken
to KFC’s menu.
Daniel Webber
Chub Bettels Scholar
Malcolm Kelner
Double Agent
Peter Olson
Something Smarmy
Christopher Madsen
Token Girl
Delia Bloom
Kind of writer...
Alex Noot “Appalled.”
“I just don’t get it,” Thorpe reiterated, “all these years
Founders/Editors-in-Chief they have been serving their same simple good old fashioned
fried chicken. That’s what makes them so great. Now, they’re
Jack and Charlie Walden trying to be all healthy and [stuff ] and I don’t like it. I don’t
like it at all.” We still couldn’t understand though. Why he was
so offended by the addition? After all, he could still order his
favorite items and disregard the new ones.
“It’s TRADITION! I already told you losers that I like to
keep tradition! Grilled chicken just doesn’t work at KFC. Now
what are they going to call the place? KGC? That ain’t the same,
man!” He then started to get visibly choked up. “I don’t have all
the answers. I don’t claim to know what’s actually in the food
at KFC, but it looks to me like greed, betrayal, corruption, and
blasphemy!” Thorpe began to yell. “They are PISSING ON THE
COLONEL’S GRAVE! … PISSING!”
Mr. Thorpe threw his tray, got up from his seat, and
stormed out of the KFC restaurant where we were conducting
the interview. That was last we saw of him. We tried to get a hold
of him in the weeks following but to no avail. Other members
of his family, who did take our calls, told us that Thorpe has
now paid his last visit to KFC, and was seen tearfully devouring
an 8 piece chicken dinner at Popeye’s.
MISTER GA-
Mystery Non-Athlete SPORTS COVERAGE
Jack Walden Billy Mays
Writer/Guy Sports Columnist/Sales Rep
The mystery non-athlete of this ish is one of the most
prolific non-athletes at Blake. At the extraordinarily average
height of 5’9” and with a doughy physique that can only be
attributed to years of Hostess cupcakes, this mystery non-
athlete is someone you probably wouldn’t mind meeting in a
dark alley.
This person is a non-varsity athlete in football,
basketball, and lacrosse. In addition to all of his non-
commitments to sports, he engages in other low-octane HEY BILLY MAYS HERE FOR BLAKE SPORTS COVERAGE.
dormant extracurricular activities, like gaming, resting, and IF YOU’RE LOOKIN’ FOR WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ IN SPORTS AT
sleeping. He also writes for his school’s second most popular BLAKE, I’M THE MAN TO DISH IT OUT.
newspaper. NOW HERE YOU GOT THE BENILDE BOYS’ LACROSSE
As everyone knows, Blake has a sizeable population TEAM. GOOD-LOOKIN HANDSOME GROUP OF YOUNG MEN.
of student-non-athletes, and it’s important to note that they’re BUT PUT ‘EM UP AGAINST THE BLAKE LACROSSE TEAM AND
students first. In addition to actively avoiding physical activity, THEY DON’T STAND A CHANCE. WITH BENILDE IT’S ALL
the mystery child has passing grades in all of his classes SLIPPING AND SLIDING, AND WITH BLAKE IT’S JUST DISHING
This non-athlete isn’t glorified in this article for no AND DRIVING.
reason. He has had a life devoid of athletic achievement and MAYBE YOU’RE WONDERING WHY I TYPE IN CAPS
full of mediocrity. His self-described greatest moment is “that LOCK. IT’S BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS YELLING. I’VE FOUND THAT
one time I saw Zach Roloff from Little People, Big World driving SPEAKING IN AN INTRUSIVE, ABRASIVE MANNER SELLS MORE
on the highway.” CLEANING PRODUCTS. AND WHY WOULDN’T THAT SELL MORE
Our non-athlete boasts a level 80 restoration shaman NEWSPAPERS? OF COURSE IT WOULD. DO YOU THINK I GOT TO
on the World of Warcraft and has the uncanny ability to stay BE BILLY MAYS BY SITTING ON MY ASS AND MUMBLING ABOUT
sedentary for hours at a time. “Sometimes I just get in the zone MY PRODUCTS LIKE SOME SHAM-WOW LITTLE RAGAMUFFIN?
and I can sit and watch TV all day. Jon and Kate Plus 8, Criss CHRIST NO. ONE DAY IN 1983 I SCREAMED ALL DAY BECAUSE
Angel, there’s just no telling what I’ll watch when I get into my SOME KID AT DOMINO’S FORGOT TO PUT ONIONS ON MY PIE. I
element.” HAVEN’T LOOKED BACK SINCE, AND LOOK AT ME NOW. I DRIVE
A BENTLEY FOR CHRISSAKES.
“I also listen to a lot of music about space.”
BUT I DIGRESS. NOW LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT GIRL’S JV
“Of all the sports I don’t play, my favorite is definitely SOFTBALL. THESE LADIES HAVE BEEN WORKING THEIR LITTLE
hockey. I just love the adrenaline rush that I don’t get every TUSHIES OFF THIS SEASON TO ROCK OUR HIDES OFF. I WENT TO
time I don’t check someone into the not-boards. It’s completely A GAME AND SOME GIRL ON THE OTHER TEAM HURT HER KNEE
describable.” AND STARTED CRYING AND WHEEZING LIKE A PREMATURE
The country’s obesity epidemic and increasingly BABY. TRY DOING THAT TO A BLAKE GIRL, NOTHING. GOOD
slovenly national lifestyle hold the dual responsibility for AS NEW. THEY SURE AS SUGAR WON’T CRY. ATTRACTIVE AND
blessing the Blake School with this Sultan of Sloth. Can you TOUGH. WHAT’S THAT? COMMENTING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL
guess the mystery non-athlete? AGE GIRLS IS OVER THE LINE? MAYBE YOU DIDN’T SEE THE
ABOVE STATEMENT. I DRIVE A BENTLEY. I’M DOING JUST FINE.
AND I CERTAINLY DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER TO CHUMPS LIKE
YOU. ANYHOO THESE CHICKS WERE PLAYING AGAINST SOME
TEAM IN BLACK JERSEYS, OR MAYBE THEY WERE RED, I DON’T
KNOW I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. BUT THESE BLAKE GIRLS
HAVE WON FIVE STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS, SO IT’S NO SURPRISE
TO SEE THEM WHEELIN’ AND DEALIN’.
WHAT’S THAT? YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT ACTUALLY
HAPPENED? WELL HERE’S A LITTLE TRICK OF THE TRADE FOR
YOU, SHORTSTUFF. IT WAS A LIE. I PULL THAT STUFF ALL THE
TIME. LEMME CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS FOR YA. OUT OF ALL
THOSE FACTS I SAY IN COMMERCIALS, 70% OF EM ARE PROLLY
LIES OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. HUH? EXCUSE ME? YOU THINK
IT’S IMMORAL TO LIE TO THE AMERICAN POPULACE? WELL I
HAVE A YACHT.
DON’T PICK FIGHTS YOU CAN’T WIN, PUNK.
RIGHT, I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS. UHH SOME
PEOPLE WON SOME PEOPLE LOST. MORE PEOPLE LOST. BILLY
MAYS OUT.

Did you actually think I’d use a real silhouette?


MISTER GA-
A-Rod Dumps Madonna, Now “We have sooo much in common, it’s uncanny. We
have the same favorite color, favorite food, favorite song,
and favorite Major League baseball player. And we always
Rumored to be Dating Himself agree on what movie to watch… at least most of the time.” A
reporter than asked when the relationship started. “When we
did a photo-shoot for a magazine recently, that’s when things
Malcolm Kelner really took off for us,” Rodriguez gloated. “Sorry… together?”
Chub Bettels Scholar a reporter asked. Rodriguez didn’t respond. The room went
dead silent.
NEW YORK— The strange saga of Alex Rodriguez continues. The

Detroit Lions to Play in Big Ten


star third-baseman for the New York Yankees, a 12-time All-Star and
3-time American League MVP winner, just keeps finding a way to
dig himself deeper. Putting all his previous baseball controversies
aside, last year, the 33-year-old Rodriguez divorced his beautiful Christopher Madsen
wife Cynthia, after news surfaced that he had an affair with a New
York-based exotic dancer and was being just a douchebag of a Losing Football Teams Expert
husband in general. Shortly after, it became known that A-Rod
was dating the controversial and utterly disgusting pop singer, ALLEN PARK, MICH. – After setting an NFL record in 2008 by
Madonna, who is 50. Thereafter, on and off the field, Rodriguez not winning a single game, the Detroit Lions are hoping to
wore a red bracelet, signifying he was a believer in the Kaballah, recreate themselves this upcoming year. After firing head
the ancient Hebrew mystical teachings that Madonna is well- coach Rod Marinelli and General Manager Matt Millen,
known for “studying,” even though she’s not Jewish. Owner and Chairman William Clay Ford said that the Lions
If you thought the man’s life couldn’t get any weirder, “needed a change of scenery.”
you were wrong. This past February, a federal raid on a lab Until recently, critics had thought the aging William
in Long Beach uncovered a positive steroid test result that Clay Ford was simply speaking in platitudes, longing for
Rodriguez had taken in 2003, which led him to admit his prior the days of Barry Sanders, and almost making the playoffs.
use of performance-enhancing drugs. Shortly after, eager to try However, it became shockingly clear that even in his old
to clean up his reputation of being a cheating (two kinds), ego- age, Mr. Ford means business. This business, was of course,
maniacal, clubhouse cancerous, self-absorbed jerk, A-Rod (or cosmetic.
A-Fraud, A-Roid, Pay-Wad, etc.) sat down with Details magazine On April 20th, the lions revealed a new logo, and
for an interview. However, when the article was published, it also typeface, which included such stars as Calvin Johnson and
featured some suggestive pictures from Rodriguez’s photo-shoot Dominic Raiola walking the catwalk in tight-fitting blue and
with the men’s magazine. silver. When asked about the change Raiola responded that
he was excited, and that walking the catwalk in the new
uniform made him feel sexy. “that’s really what it’s all about,
anyway.” When asked for comment, Calvin Johnson refused
on the grounds that he’d be going D1 this coming fall.
Less than two weeks after changing the uniforms and logo of
the Detroit Lions, President Tom Lewand announced that the
Lions would be playing in the Big Ten conference in the fall.

“...What? I mean... what?”



With these pictures, clearly, all Rodriguez did was confirm
the fact that he is in fact a narcissist weirdo who loves himself more
than anyone else. Now keep reading; the story gets even more
messed up. In an interview shortly after with People magazine, the
interviewer asked Rodriguez how his relationship with Madonna
was going, and he gave a quick and surprising answer. “It’s not
her that I’m seeing anymore,” he said. The questioner then asked
the next logical question: So you’re dating someone else then?
Rodriguez responded sharply by saying “No comment. This
interview is over.” Editor’s Note: There are no anthropomorphic great cats on the
So apparently, Roddonna was officially over, in a long Detroit Lions or anywhere in professional football.
tale which became known by the public when Rodriguez was
spotted carrying flowers to Madonna’s New York City apartment. “It’s about changing a culture within our
However, later on the night of the People interview, Rodriguez organization and within our community.” He said. “We really
was spotted carrying a bouquet… to his apartment, even though feel like we could just be more competitive in the Big Ten. We
there was no one else there! To confirm, we here at Mr. Gazette owe it to the fans of this great organization to try and win as
checked his relationship status on Facebook, and saw that much as we can. Another reason why moving to the Big Ten
Rodriguez was indeed listed as “In a relationship”, but was also made business sense was moving onto the Big Ten network.
one of those jerks that says “in a relationship” but not with whom. Very few people in the Detroit area receive stations like Fox,
We then called A-Rod’s agent and spokesman, Scott Boras, to ask CBS, ABC or ESPN, so we weren’t able to extend our reach to
about what in Babe Ruth’s name was going on with his client, all of our fans. But now that we’re on the Big Ten Network,
and Boras surprisingly took our call. “All I’m going to say is Alex we should have no problem reaching out to all of our fans
is currently dating someone he has known for a very, very long and improving our ratings, right? Places like Ohio and Penn
time... I know he’s had some relationship troubles in the past but I State regularly sellout one-hundred thousand seat stadiums
think he has finally found the right person for him. So I apologize and we hope to have similar success in the upcoming years.
to you media hounds because you’re already being hounded by We understand that Martin [Mayhew] and Jim [Schwartz]
reporters asking the same question we were interested in, so we may have a challenge ahead of them, preparing our rather
quickly listened in. “We’re a great couple together,” we heard. green team for the grueling demands of the college football
season, and hope that they, and the rest of the team, will be
successful.
MISTER GA-
Safari Steve to be Upgraded to Archduke of Azeroth Assassinated,
Firefox Steve Thus Begins World War I of Warcraft
Last week, Dan Trockman the computer department of the
Blake Upper School decided that this summer, they will be upgrading
security guard Steve Haugh from the outdated Safari 2.7.1to the much
more recent Mozilla Firefox 3.0.10. The upgraded version of Steve
will have a friendlier user interface, more resistance to viruses like the
common cold and HPV, quicker movement for when he saunters through
the hallways, and be less prone to [motorcycle] crashes.
The new Firefox anti-virus software will help our favorite
security guard combat Trojan Horse viruses as well as providing him with
the bloodthirst and weapons expertise that would be required in the
event of Blake being infiltrated by an actual giant horse filled with Greek
soldiers.
Now peers, I know what you’re thinking. “Why would we want
to upgrade the rootinest, tootinest cowboy in the wild west entrance?”
Well, the things we love would stay intact, like the snakeskin boots, bolo
ties, and uncharacteristically awesome paintings, but his software is just
outdated.
This means that we as students can look forward to a new
OKAY PLEASE JUST STOP USING THE TERM “SAFARI STEVE” IT DIDN’T
EVEN REALLY MAKE SENSE 3 YEARS AGO AND IT STILL DOESN’T REALLY
NOW. I TRIED TO SAY THIS IN THE LAST ISSUE AND IT DIDNT COMPUTE
WITH YOU. COME ON GUYS WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN
Archduke Bigsexxy shortly
before his death
Emoticon? Or Emotiwrong? This week on TV
Delia Bloom Charlie Walden
Token Girl Super Cool Hollywood Reporter
“See you Saturday =).” “I’m super excited XD.” “I had pie for
dinner :P.” We all love emoticons. I mean, who doesn’t like to end their
Facebook wall posts with a cute little face? There’s no harm in that, right? Suite Life on Deck
WRONG. Emoticons are threatening our generation and our society. Disney Channel, Wed. 9 PM EST
They are becoming so common in our electronic social lives that there This is a show about Zack and Cody, but instead of in a luxury hotel,
are conversations made entirely of emoticons. How many of you have they’re on a luxury boat! Yeah!...You know, summaries of Disney shows
felt that shining light of joy when you discover a new one? Like the devil should be fun and filled with exclamation points, but this can really not
face or a peace sign? I know I have, but when will it end? be ignored. Zack has gained a lot of weight. He’s supposed to play the
We know how very upsetting this is, but you must lean in one that’s successful with girls, but there is no way of getting around his
and listen close. Emoticons are here and they are here to stay. Don’t chubby prepubescence. The gimmick was that these kids look exactly
believe me? Just last month a Golden Valley man called the police, who the same, but now we have an obvious short fat one and tall skinny
reportedly had “a crazed hippie” running around his yard. Fortunately one. They should call this show the Suite Life of Abbott and Costello.
for us, his neighbor, who wishes to remain anonymous, whipped out
his cellular device to videotape the whole scene. Unfortunately for us,
this publication is not the Daily Prophet or the Quibbler, so we cannot
actually show it to you. We can, however, show you the transcript. Young Jon & Wh*re Plus 4
naked female: “Smiley face! Isn’t this fun (winky face)? (Tongue-out-face) TLC, Sun. 10 PM EST
Come join me (angel face)! (Devil face) You won’t (big smiley face) regret This wacky spinoff of Jon & Kate Plus 8 follows super-husband Jon
it!” The woman was also seen contorting her own face to resemble some Gosselin in his post-marriage life along with his mistress and his share
sort of sideways emoticon, trying to make her eyes look like a semi-colon of the eight children he fathered with ex-wife Kate. We see a change
and her mouth stretching into an eerily parenthesis-like curve. Truly of scenery from the large, environmentally conscious Gosselin home
horrifying. V to a small, fluid-stained two-room apartment in South Baltimore. The
inspiring show explores how to keep the shards of a family together
:-[

after being destroyed by an extramarital affair, and in the words of


adorable daughter Alexis, “why New Mommy feeds us cold beans
“We here at Mr. Gazette are not happy.” instead of food.” This season: the kids get used to sleeping on the same
bathroom floor, and could Jon be having an extra extramarital affair?
Also, watch out for Kate & Her Parents Plus the Other 4 coming this
Still aren’t certain of this swine-flu-like plague? As fresh as last summer.
week, a St. Louis Park teen, Edward Weinblatt, came forward in admitting
that he has become a victim of it. He released a statement: “Yes, it is true
that I have been KISSY FACE, excuse me, infected. I’m not here for pity, I
merely want to warn all the young people out there of the all too serious
dangers of SAD FACE, sorry, emoticons. Luckily, this is preventable, so we
all need to ANGRY FACE. Man! I’m so sorry. As you can plainly FOOT-IN-
MOUTH FACE. I can barely even get out a $%#!* sentence! [Gasp faces
could be seen cascading through the crowd] Whoa, calm down. I’m
truly EMBARASSED FACE, LIPS-ARE-SEALED FACE, MUFFIN FACE. Can’t…
MEERKAT FACE stop… AL ROKER FACE.” He was promptly escorted away
from the crowd.
Have you ever caught yourself saying “happy face” at the
end of a sentence? I have and I know that we will become just as bad
as the once-innocent Columbus folk if we don’t stop this quickly and
completely. Will you join me in stamping out this epidemic or will you
be the one being quoted in some other school’s fake newspaper after an
emoticon breakout kills us all? Your call, Blake School. America’s favorite couple
Nothing funny in this
image. Keep looking.
MISTER GA-
ACTION JACKSON I am still waiting for my Hogwarts
With Jackson Sabes
Survival Expert acceptance letter...
I wish I could start this piece of journalism telling you how great the Michael Carter
Blake School is, and then outline some specific survival techniques All right so… basically I don’t get it. I’m seventeen years
that would make the School even greater. I wish I could tell you that. old and I still haven’t received my letter? Is owl post broken or
But what I have seen in these past months has disgusted and offended something? Seriously guys, its about time. I’m basically a grown-
me on the deepest level. I am talking about this school’s abominable up! I could be a wizarding adult right now! Its about time you
zombie survival tactics, or rather its complete lack of them. stopped playing coy. We both know you want me. I have know
The first step to overcoming the pending undead plague is ever since I was in first grade that I am not a Muggle. When I get
understanding. For the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume emotional, crazy stuff happens. Like once I was being dangled by
that the zombie virus will be called something really cool like “Solanum”. my Great-Uncle Algie out the window and he dropped me and I
Now, a person infected with Solanum is practically indistinguishable fell into a dumpster and only broke like five bones. Coincidence?
from your average leper, so identification is next to impossible. If you I think not. I have even been practicing my wandwork! Swish and
see what appears to be leprous Blake student, DO NOT CONFRONT Flick! Only way to take on a mountain troll! HAHAHA! But seriously.
THEM ABOUT POSSIBLE ZOMBIFICATION. We don’t want to offend Do you think I made my own wizarding hat out of mercury and
anyone because if a Blake student ever thinks he might feel offended, beaver fur just for kicks? Do you even know how hard it is to catch
the hydrogen bomb under the cafeteria will explode and we will all a beaver? I had to hide all the scrapin’s from the pelt in the garden.
die. But this school has bigger problems. With a school nurse only Not to mention how mad my mom got when I tried to break
here two or three days a week, how could we hope for the medical into the zoo to get some Komodo dragon heartstring for my
support needed to quarantine the infected? Would she be prepared to wand. You’d think she’d be grateful after I saved her from deadly
amputate the infected areas on students? We must ask ourselves these wolfsbane by shoving it down her throat just like Harry! So that’s
hard questions to prepare. Furthermore Solanum is extremely easy to why I’m writing to you from this mental institution instead of my
transfer and contract. Saliva and blood transfers the disease, so what home like all of the other letters. I’ve been reading the books over
does our school do? Arrange a dance and a blood drive. and over and I haven’t got any insight on whether pigeons are
acceptable for owl post. Because the last owl I caught just turned
around and scraped my face when I told it to “hasten fortwith to
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.” I suppose all of the
prefects and upper years would tease me something terrible if I
had a pigeon instead of an owl, but the loss of blood is making
me a little faint. It’s a good thing I fill out all my letters five times
otherwise I could never be sure if a thestral got my pigeon! Write
back soon! Or really just write back, I’m beginning to wonder if
Peeves is stealing the mail again. Oh that Peeves!

“Not you too, Will Smith...” Charlie Manson’s Quirks ‘n’ Quarks
The second step is training our students to protect themselves
and others. Right now we have two aces in the hole, the fencing team
and the robotics team. Really though, do you think even Tom Bergen’s “I have a secret handshake with my dog.”
elite level of swordsmanship could hold off legions of the undead? As “I always wear the same lucky underwear before
Pirates and Ninjas have an inverse relationship, Zombies and Robots
are joined in unholy matrimony. If the only thing powerful enough to
stop zombies is robots, we’re making great strides. Firing foam balls
a big game or test.”
and ramming zombies’ ankles is great progress, but in order to really
succeed we’re going to need to upgrade. With the current state of our
robot arsenal even the piloting skills of Jay Jasper can’t hold them “I sing Beach
off. Like little Ani Skywalker flew his Naboo Cruiser and fired a proton
missile to destroy the trade federation, I trust the robotics and fencing Boys in the
team to carve through the zombies making way for us civilians.
The third step is defending and maintaining. If Blake is to shower!”
become a sustainable human enclave in the decomposing hordes,
we need to organize. Food gathering duties will follow the table wipe
down schedule to make sure we maximize efficiency. Currently any
zombie could easily walk into school and steal Mr. Menge’s briefcase,
“I love PBJ
so it is important to remind you of Blake’s Zombie policy. 1. Introduce with the crust
yourself, say, “Hello, my name is _________, may I help you get to where
you’re going?” 2. If this person responds in “GHGHGHGHHGHH BRAINS!” cut off!”
or any variation of that word proceed to step 3, otherwise report this
suspicious human to an adult. 3. After making sure it is a zombie you’re
looking at and not a Breck student, (AWW YEAH, BRECK SUCKS!) grab
the nearest blunt object and bash its face in until the moaning stops. “I was the head of a cult crime family and tried to
Finally, we need to worry not only about likely events such start an apocalyptic race war by murdering seven
as human zombies, but worst-case scenarios, as well. Our school’s
proximity to the Como Zoo would be a recipe for disaster in the event
of a Solanum outbreak. No amount of training would prepare our
people. “
community to deal with zombie bears and sharks. They are cunning,
unbelievably strong, and they do not know fear. In this situation, your
only option is to sit down, make peace with your god, and pray that your “One time I painted my nails. So embarrassing!”
soul won’t be trapped in the undead beast you are about to become.
Stay classy, wastelanders.
Mr. Upset
MISTER GA
Standards in Jesus Christ Found Frozen in Carbonite
Third-World
Countries Drop
as More People
Lose Whopper

CENSORED!!!
Bloodbath McGrath’s article was considered “I Love you, Jesus!” . . . “I know.”
too racy for this issue. There was nothing
we could do about it. I would get him to Student accepted at Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford and
write another one, but I haven’t seen him in Columbia devastated by rejection from Brown
a coon’s age. Daniel Webber
According to eyewitness reports, an anonymous local student accepted
at Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, and Columbia was visibly agitated
at news of his rejection from Brown. “The admissions staff at Brown is just
a bunch of jerks,” said the high school senior, despite his opportunity to
attend five of the most prestigious universities in the country. “They just
don’t know a good thing when they see it, those enormous buttholes.
Who even likes Rhode Island, anyway?” he asked, pacing angrily.
“Brown just thinks it’s so much better than me,” he added, seething. “It’s
probably that 4 I got on that stupid European History AP. Nine AP tests,
and I just had to get a 4 on one of them. I knew I should have bought that
third study guide,” he mumbled. “Damn College Board. And don’t even get
me started on the ACT. Despite six retakes I never got above my initial 35.
Brown isn’t going to accept someone with only a 35,” he continued, clearly
oblivious to his acceptance at such institutions as Princeton and Yale. “Or
A drug-addled Taiwanese local that A- I got in Physics C. What the heck is that? It’s only the hardest class
offered in the catalog, and I can’t even do better than a 92%? I’m just so
much better than that. And an 11 on my SAT essay? I even used the SAT
as an example! That stuff’s pure gold!” he exclaimed shrilly, frightening
nearby small children.
“And don’t even talk about those bozos at Penn. Put me on a freakin’
waiting list. That’s like the same thing as saying, ‘hey, you’re only better
than 85% of our other applicants’,” he whined, somehow unmoved by four
Tim & Tom By Peter Olson, 006
other Ivies’ opinions to the contrary. “Yeah, well, screw you too, Penn,” he
concluded, shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs. “Now I have to
settle for Harvard. Or Brown College.”

Why are you There’s no way wearing a


wearing a headband can make you I stand corrected.
headband? feel awesome.

Because it
makes me feel
awesome.
MISTER GA
FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN

SUPER FUN CROSSWORD Oh no! The staff of Mr. Gazette got


PUZZLE!!! their names mixed up in pancakes!
Can you unscramble them?
MARK CLOMELLN
PETRE OLSNO
1

GRENTON BAH
AM
ZERYNJ TLAKOMP

Hints
ACROSS LL JONES
BASKETBA ин
1. I think, therefore _ am Стал
си ф
DOWN Ио
1. 9th letter of the alphabet

you=SUCK

Creepy and Disproportionate


Coloring Corner

One of these is not like the other....


Guess the difference between this two
almost identical figures!
could save your life.
in their faces and personalities. Know the difference, it
the right is named Charlie. They have a lot of differences
Answer: The one on the left is named Jack and the one of