CHUCKLEHEADS By Brent Holloway & Chris Watts

318 Lake Marina Drive Apt. 24 New Orleans, LA 70124 318-715-1190 TrillNapScripts@gmail.com

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LARRYS SPORTS EMPORIUM - DAY

A middle-aged man adjusts his glasses and looks down at the crumpled piece of paper on the counter below him. This is LARRY, proprietor of Larrys Sports Emporium. He retains the posture of a good-natured ex-jock, as well as the wardrobe: A Larrys Sports Emporium T-shirt tucked into grey coaches shorts. Larry is dumbfounded. LARRY Woohoohoo! Well boys, I dont mean to discriminate, but this may be a little too ris-kay for what we do here. Heh heh. Larry stares down again at the image on the paper: A naked man in a black leather mask and a dog collar on hands and knees between two urinals. In jagged font, ERODICKA is strategically placed with regard to local obscenity statutes. LARRY Uh, ERR, E-R-O, uh MALE VOICE (O.S.) Erotica. Its the name of our band. This is HAMLET, 23, short, slightly built, with close-cropped hair. He wears glasses, scruffy jeans, and a black T-shirt with the word INFIDEL across the chest in bold white font. Towering over Hamlet is burly BUCK, 21, announced by the "Buck O." GameHaven nametag affixed to his colorful polo shirt. LARRY A baaand? Heh heh. Now do you boys play any Trop Rock? Like, Tropical, ya know? Back when I was in the fraternity we had some good times at those Jimmy Buffett shows. Heh heh. Hamlet glances at Buck out the corner of his eye. Bucks eyes wander dumbly. LARRY So what kind of stuff do you boys play?

2. HAMLET Bondage Rock! BUCK (a beat behind) Bondage Rock. Larry pauses and stares at the two over the top of his glasses. LARRY I see. A beat passes. Hamlet is becoming visibly annoyed. LARRY Well, I dont know about all that, but yall seem like good enough boys. Let me take this to Dan in the back and see what he thinks. As Larry leaves the room, Hamlet turns to a fidgety Buck, who is examining a box of martial arts wrist wraps. HAMLET (half whispered) See, I told you. Bigots. BUCK Where? HAMLET Right in front of you. Look around. Buck looks around. Catchers mitts. Basketballs. A little boy trying on shoes. BUCK You know anything about Bulls Gym on MacArthur Drive? Thinking about taking some MMA lessons. Hamlet turns to see the wrist wraps. HAMLET Put those back. Whats wrong with you?! BUCK Theres a guy teaching MMA lessons at Bulls Gym. First ones free. Hamlet bites his lip. Buck looks puzzled.

3. HAMLET The whole UFC fad is laughable. Every chucklehead with an Affliction T-shirt and a gym membership walks around claiming to be a cage fighter because they think its gonna help them get laid. Its completely primal. Larry returns to the room with the picture and an order form in hand. Hamlet and Buck snap back to their stern poses. LARRY OK. Now you boys wantedHAMLET Ten in medium, large, extra-large, black, one-color screen. Larry punches numbers on a calculator. LARRY Lets see. Comes to two-hundred and twenty-six dollars and fifty cents. How yall wanna pay for that? HAMLET (to Buck) Put it on the band account. Buck fumbles with a crumpled envelope and begins counting out loose bills. Hamlet sees whats happening and seethes. HAMLET The band account! BUCK Seventeen. HAMLET Seventeen?! What happened to the rest? Buck hangs his head and shifts to avoid eye contact. Hamlet stares at the ground and begins to tremble. EXT. LARRYS SPORTS EMPORIUM - DAY The boys exit Larrys Sports Emporium, each with one black T-shirt slung over a shoulder. Pulsating industrial MUSIC RISES and plays over the following --

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INT. BREWZERZ - STORAGE ROOM - DAY A mans muscular, hairy chest. EXT. CENLA STREETS - SIDEWALK - DAY Hamlet and Buck stroll a sidewalk along a busy four-lane state highway. They pass a seedy pawn shop next to a gun store. Across the street is an adult video store and an abandoned Sno-Cone stand. A roadside sign reads: WELCOME TO CENLA, HOME OF CENLABRATION. In crude graffiti, Cenla has been replaced by Sin Lots. INT. BREWZERZ - STORAGE ROOM - DAY A circular buckle is fastened in the center of the hairy chest, connecting black leather straps over the shoulders and around the back. EXT. CENLA STREETS - SIDEWALK - DAY Hamlet and Buck wait at a red light adjacent to a small shopping center that houses a GameHaven video game store and an Army recruiters office. INT. BREWZERZ - STORAGE ROOM - DAY Hamlet applies eyeliner in a smudged mirror. The leather-strapped chest belongs to Buck. Cramped in a dingy store room, they are getting geared up for a live show. Hamlet, in bikini briefs, snaps up a Boy Scout Masters shirt. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY Hamlet and Buck exit a run-down liquor store with soft drinks and snacks. INT. BREWZERZ - STORAGE ROOM - DAY Buck squeezes into black leather pants. Hamlet straps on a large, black dildo.

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BUCK Do you think my chest hairs are OK? HAMLET Come here. Hamlet grabs his mascara and walks toward Buck, dildo wagging back and forth. BUCK What do you think about extending the solo during Throbbing Missile? HAMLET Just dont overdo it. Remember, sometimes less is more. Hamlet stands over Buck and applies mascara to his chest hairs. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - DAY Hamlet and Buck walk through a low-rent neighborhood, past a baseball field overgrown with weeds. Buck munches on beef jerky. INT. BREWZERZ - STORAGE ROOM - DAY Buck straps on a dildo and connects it via a long dog chain to Hamlets strap-on. HAMLET What happened to your other dildo? BUCK I couldnt find it. HAMLET Thats why you dont wait til the last minute to plan for shows. What happens if you have a costume or equipment malfunction? Then theres no time to troubleshoot. BUCK Thats why I went down to porn store and got this one. Buck holds his strap-on sex toy, waiting for Hamlets approval.

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HAMLET I cant believe you got white. Id almost rather you not even have a dildo. Weve been over this. Black is powerful. White is submissive. Youre ruining the message. EXT. HAMLETS HOUSE - DAY Buck is waiting in the unkempt yard when Hamlet exits the ramshackle little house lugging a keyboard case and two large duffel bags. A forty-something woman is kicked back in a rocking chair on the porch, cleaning an old bolt-action rifle. This is GLORIA, Hamlets mom. She is wearing hair curlers and a robe, and smoking a cigarette. INT. BREWZERZ - STORAGE ROOM - DAY Hamlet crams a large, red gag ball into his mouth. Buck helps him secure the rope that holds it in place. EXT. BREWZERZ - DAY With the sun still high in the afternoon sky, Hamlet and Buck approach and enter a dirty dive bar with a hand-painted sign above the door: BREWZERZ. Bikers welcome. INT. BREWZERZ - STORAGE ROOM - DAY Hamlet grabs a jar of Vaseline as the boys head to the stage in full costume. Buck, now wearing a gimp mask, trips over the chain that connects their strap-on toys. The pulsating MUSIC continues INT. BREWZERZ - STAGE - DAY It is, of course, the sounds of Erodicka, thrashing away deep into their set. Their stage show is an absurd tangle of instruments, electronics, props and cables. Out front, Buck provides lead vocals and plays an electric guitar.

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Behind him, still tethered at the heavy plastic dong, Hamlet helms a drum machine, a keyboard synthesizer, a laptop and a nude mannequin which he uses for percussion. Both boys are covered in baby powder and soaked in sweat, playing with ecstatic intensity when the loud, abrasive music comes to an abrupt end. BUCK Thank you Brewzerz! The bars few patrons pay little attention. APPLAUSE from a single unseen fan in the audience, maybe two. Through a window on the door, sunlight creeps in. Its happy hour. INT. BREWZERZ - BAR - LATER Confederate flags and humorous bar signs cover the walls, and free condoms are dispensed at the door from an old fish bowl. Buck and Hamlet are seated at the bar, still in costume and staring at the floor. MANS VOICE (O.S.) What the fuck? You think this is a game? You think this is a fucking game? From behind, a man reaches out and puts Hamlet in a swift and vicious headlock. Hamlet squirms helplessly as his face turns blue and his glasses fall to the floor. He taps the bar, and is released. He picks up his glasses and sits back on his barstool. There is no retaliation. This is WES, the amiable, if rambunctious bartender. WES Whats up beautiful babies? Wes wears a snug-fitting Brewzerz T-shirt tucked into a pair of fashionable Levis. He is in his late 20s, and his rapport with Erodicka is natural. He rubs Bucks head in a playful, big-brother fashion, and Buck pulls away. BUCK So, howd we do? WES Lets see, we rang eighty-six dollars. Twenty percent of that is-

8. (counting on fingers) Seventeen dollars and twenty cents, gentlemen. Are you signing for it again or is Hamlet? Hamlet appears frustrated. HAMLET Let me see that paperwork. Can I get a printout of your ring? WES (to Hamlet) Young City! Whats the science, baby? Wes begins to shadow box in Buck and Hamlets direction, causing them both to flinch. WES (sliding a folded piece of paper to Hamlet) Yeah, I got your printout. Hamlet stares down at the paper. Its a picture of an attractive nude woman tucked away into the warm belly of a dead horse. She is covered in blood and entertaining herself with some of the more accessible intestines. Hamlet jumps back. HAMLET What the fuck?! WES Ha, ha! Thats what I call the new shit, gentlemen. Album cover? Hamlet regains his composure as Buck glances at the picture, unaffected. WES Brah, that dildo shit was killin it out there today. I think people were really getting the message. Hamlet glares at Buck, still agitated about the dildo mix-up. Buck stares at the floor. WES So wheres your boy, Brother Ranson? Hamlet rolls his eyes.

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BUCK He left this morning to go to one of those jam band music festivals somewhere in the mountains. Said he knew one of the guitar techs for one of the bands or something. Hamlet sighs. HAMLET Those music festivals are just an excuse for frat boys to blow their parents disposable income on hallucinogens and speed. No emotional connection to the music whatsoever. The whole thing is laughable, really. Hamlet is interrupted by a middle-aged woman approaching the bar in cut-off blue jeans and a Harley Davidson tank top. Shes got some road miles. CHERYL Wes, honey, can you close me out? Oh, and get the band a beer on us. HAMLET Uh, no thanks. Were straight edge. We dont drink, smoke, or do drugs. Cheryl glances at Buck and Hamlets dildos, then their footwear: Stilettos and go-go boots. Hamlet and Buck shift their bodies to conceal their costumes. CHERYL You boys should have been hugged more. Wes, thanks, hun. Well see you next time. The three follow Cheryl out the door with their eyes and wait until she is gone to restart the conversation. WES What would you rather have? A million dollars or her head full of pennies? Buck laughs as Hamlet remains emotionless, eyeing the door. WES (to Buck) So me and your brother were talking about this the other day, and I (MORE)

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WES (contd) wanted to get yalls input. Greatest frontmen of all time. Youve got Axl Rose for sure, Mick Jagger. Does Iggy Pop make the list? Or what aboutHAMLET Thomas Dolby. BUCK Oh, Jesus. Here we go. WES Who? BUCK Eighties. New wave. WES Flock of Seagulls guy? HAMLET God. What? No. Thomas Dolby was a pioneer for synth-pop and electro funk, plus he developed the Headspace Company and the RMF file extension. Wes listens with growing bemusement, looks to Buck, who has heard this a hundred times before. HAMLET Fuck you guys. The man is a genius. I would kill for his MicroMoog synth and his PPG 2.3. WES I think you may be right, Hamlet. Dolbys the shit. Totally underrated. BUCK Axl Rose goes pretty hard. HAMLET Fuck you guys.

11. INT. GLORIAS CAR - MOVING - DAY The vinyl interior of the well-worn sedan has cracked in numerous places after a dozen or so summers under Southern sun. On the floor, discarded fast-food wrappers and a stray french fry. Behind the wheel, Hamlet grips at ten and two as he rolls to a stop at a red light. From outside, blaring up-tempo techno music invades Hamlets silent cocoon as a tricked-out SUV pulls up next to him. Hamlet sneaks a sidelong glance: Well-tanned teenagers. Five or six of them. Carefree, menacing. Windows rolled down, laughing, dancing. Hamlet rolls his eyes. HAMLET Laughable. O.S. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on Hamlets driver side window. He turns to see: Two pasty white ass cheeks pressed against the glass. Maniacal laughter surrounds Hamlet from all sides. The SUV on Hamlets right now swoops in front of him as the light turns green. The rear door pops open revealing a truckload of teenagers. The one who mooned Hamlet scrambles in to join them as the SUV speeds away. Hamlet flips them off, eliciting more laughter. HONK HONK from another car behind him. Hamlet flips them off too, and pulls away from the red light. He clicks on the radio. A country station plays the newest Nashville pop starlet. HAMLET Prostitute. He scans. A hip-hop station. HAMLET How absurd. He scans. The radio lands on -ROBOTIC MALE VOICE (V.O.) --this Saturday night. Yall know how we do. We got $1 Tom Collins, and dont forget ladies drink free before 10 p.m.! (in a slow-mo baritone) Its th-th-tha Rave N Bowl. Hamlet makes an exaggerated frown.

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ROBOTIC MALE VOICE (V.O.) Rave N Bowl, yall. Down at Cenla Lucky Lanes just off MacArthur Drive, and ya know we got the hottest DJs in the mid-South region spinning all the hottest ish starting at midnight. Here to wreck your box, its-(slow-mo effect again) DJ Phonics and Tha Serial Thrilla! TVD, yall! Hamlet looks out the window as he drives past Cenla Lucky Lanes. A large marquee on the building reads: RAVE N BOWL FEATURING DJ FON-X AND SERIAL THRILLA SATURDAY NIGHT On top of the marquee are ten-feet-tall cutouts of the DJs in solid gold track suits. One is blowing a kiss. Hamlet scowls and turns his attention back to the radio, scanning away with violent disgust. The dial lands on a slow, stoned drawl. Its Red, stoner DJ at the local radio station. RED (V.O.) -- Thomas Dolby. Hamlet perks up. RED (V.O.) Hey man. Thats far out. Am I reading this right? You sure this isnt a joke? Theyd be the opening act for that cat? At our convention center? Hamlet is sitting straight up now, eyes wide. RED (V.O.) Ok man. One more time, for my buds out there too broke to pay attention. Reds marijuana pun is followed by a sound drop of a bubbling bong rip and James Brown screaming: SOMEBODY HELP ME! RED (V.O.) Brought to you by Reds Homegrown on Ninety-Five X, your home for (MORE)

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RED (V.O.) (contd) Cenlas best original music, its the first-ever Battle of the Bands. And dig it, man: the winner -- Man, this is a trip -- the winner will be the opening act for Thomas Dolby when he plays a set at the Cenla Convention Center next month. Hamlet makes an immediate, screeching u-turn. INT. GAMEHAVEN - DAY In the local strip-mall video game store, Buck and a heavy-set dude are standing over a bin of used games, identified by the large laminated printout on the front. Restocking games, Buck is in full work uniform: GameHaven polo tucked into khaki slacks. The tubby guy is BROTHER RANSON, sporting his own uniform, of sorts: visor, goatee, several hemp and shell necklaces, plaid button-down shirt, cargo shorts, flip-flops. BROTHER RANSON Thats right, brother. Hippie chicks in sundresses. Come on with it! Im talkin about a sea of prime trim and your boy Brother Ranson was breast strokin through that shit. Plus me and Hippie Dave just ate a handful of hot ass beans, so I was ready to stroke anything. I wanna dip my balls in it! BUCK Sounds like yall kept it pretty real. BROTHER RANSON Oh we did, brother. Good vibes. Panic was fucking awesome, we got to check out some Jam-tronica bands that you would have liked, me and Hippie Dave were rollin our dicks off, and we almost got arrested for swimming across the lake, but the cops let us go because they thought we were fucking awesome.

14. BUCK Crazy. Brother Ransons music festival story is interrupted by the BING-BONG of an incoming customer. Its Hamlet, stepping with purpose and clutching a handful of flyers. BROTHER RANSON (to Hamlet) Ham-Star! Brother Ranson slaps Hamlet in the balls just hard enough to take the breath out of him for a few seconds. Buck snickers. BROTHER RANSON You got a dick in your mouth and one in your ass and you can only take out one. Which one do you pick? HAMLET Hilarious, Ranson. Do illiterate sixth graders still find that as funny as they used to? BROTHER RANSON Hey, I havent seen you in a while, brother. Heard yall played a pretty killer set yesterday. Hate that I missed it. I was balls deep in the jam! Brother Ranson begins to chicken dance around the room. A phone RINGS O.S. After collecting his bearings, Hamlet brushes past Brother Ranson to Buck. He is clearly agitated. HAMLET Thomas Dolby is playing in Cenla in a few weeks. BROTHER RANSON Fuckin right! HAMLET Hes gonna be at the convention center downtown and he needsWOMANS VOICE (O.S.) Buck?! Hamlet and Buck flinch.

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WOMANS VOICE (O.S.) That was the owners on the phone, theyre coming in later, so Ill help you put up the rest of those returned games. The three boys turn to the GameHaven office door and see a young, attractive woman standing in the doorway smiling back at them. Brother Ranson casually sucks in his gut and sticks out his chest. This is Bucks manager, OLIVIA, 23. OLIVIA Hey guys. I dont mean to sound like a ball buster or anythingBROTHER RANSON Olivia, sweetheart, you can be as aggressive as you want with my balls. Smash them shits with a hammer! Oh wait, we wouldnt want Hamlet to get jealous. Hamlet blushes and turns away awkwardly to conceal it. Buck chuckles. OLIVIA (imitating Ransons deep, scruffy voice) Brother Ranson! Maybe if you start getting my boys some gigs Ill think about it. BROTHER RANSON Dont question my intricate managerial techniques, Olivia. I got hook-ups. Just waiting for the right time to grab Cenla by the schlong, then the world! Look out, Amurca! OLIVIA Hey Hamlet. Olivia initiates a friendly hug. Hamlet responds with an awkward half-hug. OLIVIA Hows the songwriting coming? Im gonna take off work next Thursday so I can make it to Happy Hour.

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Hamlet is so caught up in making his announcement that he brushes Olivia off. HAMLET Thomas Dolby is playing at the convention center in a few weeks and Ninety-Five X is having a contest to determine the opener. BROTHER RANSON I was gonna tell you guys about that. Thats your boy, right Hamlet? BUCK Yeah it is. (shadowboxing) Looks like were gonna have to wreck all these other jobbers. OLIVIA I didnt know you were into that kind of stuff, Hamlet. HAMLET (handing out flyers) We have to submit a video. Ignored again, Olivia shows only the mildest annoyance. BROTHER RANSON Hate to break the mood, fellas, but yall know DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla already have, like, five videos. BUCK And that sweet time slot at the Rave N Bowl. The mood drops for a beat. OLIVIA But those guys are awful. HAMLET Yes. Thank you, Olivia. They make eye contact as he speaks. She smiles. He tries, but he just looks nervous.

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HAMLET And we only have to finish in the top two. The two bands with the most hits compete in a battle of the bands during the cage fights next month. Two DJs pushing buttons cant beat us when it comes to a live show. Buck and Brother Ranson take a moment to consider this. BROTHER RANSON Shit, son. Id say youre right. And the mood is up again. Buck and Brother Ranson begin to play fight. Buck comes with a slow right hook. Brother Ranson dodges to the left, fakes the groin shot, and slaps Buck hard in the back of the head. OLIVIA So do you boys even have a video? BROTHER RANSON Oh we got that on lock down! Buck pauses to ponder the question. BUCK We do have that video Brother Ranson shot from our first gig. It goes pretty hard, I guess. BROTHER RANSON Shit, son, that music video is titties! Carson Daly wants to put it in his butt. I got camera skills like Taren-queen-o, girl! Just ask Hamlets mom. HAMLET (ignores Ranson) Then its done. All we have to do is start pushing the video. Now if you chuckleheads will excuse me, I gotta get ready for work. INT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT The familiar blue-screen-and-bouncing-ball karaoke combo. While Hamlet provides disinterested, but no-less-excellent keyboard accompaniment, Buck is on the 18-inch, 10x10 riser

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that serves as the stage, pouring sweat and soul into a karaoke version of Sweet Child O Mine. However reserved he may be off of it, Buck is a wild man on the stage. BUCK (singing) Whoa-oh sweet child o mineThe room is reasonably full, much more so than it was during Erodickas Happy Hour performance, and most patrons are engaged with the stage show. There is a DRUNK MAN passed out at the bar. BUCK (singing) Where do we go, where do we go nowBucks voice is untrained, but manages to hit all the notes in key as he begins a spot-on Axl Rose serpentine dance with the mic stand. Most of the bar patrons are on the dance floor cheering Buck on. The drunk man at the end of the bar awakes and rushes the stage, screaming for Buck. BUCK (singing) Sweet child, sweet child, sweet chi-i-i-i-i-i-ld of mi-i-i-neSong ends to hearty applause. It is obvious that karaoke night is Bucks home, and he is king. BUCK Thank you, Brewzerz! Buck runs off stage to high-fives and an elaborate handshake routine with Wes at the end of the bar. HAMLET All right. Give it up for Buck one more time. And dont forget to check out our bondage rock band Erodicka every Thursday afternoon for Happy Hour! During the lull as Hamlet looks over the sign-up sheet, the bar doors swing open. A pygmy Thai boy carrying glow sticks and dressed as the Pope brushes past GREG THE BOUNCER. This is MR. SANTIAGO. The room becomes silent.

19. MR.SANTIAGO (shouting) Viva la trance!!! Techno music begins to play from outside, and a harem of what could easily pass as high-end call girls enter carrying baskets of rose pedals that they scatter on the floor. DJ FON-X and THE SERIAL THRILLA enter. Theyre dressed in fur-lined robes and expensive sunglasses, and carrying champagne flutes. Their flashy appearance is heightened by the contrast of the drab surroundings. Every head turns to them as they saunter in, red-carpet style, talking on their blue-tooth devices and pointing out hellos to no one in particular. DJ Fon-X grabs a drink out of a patrons hand in mid-sip and finishes it. Hamlet watches with a mix of jealousy and disgust. DJ FON-X (into phone) Hey hold on a second, mate. (addressing the room) Excuse me. If I could get everyones attention for just a second. Dont mean to be ambiguous or whatever, irregardless, we just wanted to invite everybody over to Serial Thrilla and Is DJ set at the Rave N Bowl tonight. A murmur in the crowd. Women whisper amongst themselves while the men nod their heads. SERIAL THRILLA Straight up, flames. Were gonna be slappin these hos starting at midnight. And right up until then we got drink specials, hip-hop battles, and two-for-one games with free shoe rental. Its gonna be mad sexy, yall. DJ FON-X Thats right. And theres no cover charge for the next 15 minutes. SERIAL THRILLA Damn, thats hot. And dont forget to peep us on YouTube for the Ninety-Five X contest. Winner spins with DJ Dolby at the cage fights. TVD, yall!

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DJ FON-X Poppin. We gonna crush every band in Cenla cuz weDJ FON-X/SERIAL THRILLA (in unison) Da Po pimpin, walk with a limpin, Patron sippin, runnin and rippin, gold teeth grinnin, contest winnin, baddest DJs on da block. DJ FON-X Believe dat, mate. SERIAL THRILLA TVD, we out! And with that, the entourage pivots and heads for the door. A second later, most of the bar follows them. Hamlet watches dejected from the stage as would-be tippers file out. INT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT Hamlet and Buck are seated at the bar across from Wes. Greg The Bouncer is posted up at the opposite end of the bar. On stage, the drunk man who was napping earlier sings heartfelt but pitchy rendition of a Lynyrd Skynyrd anthem. They appear to be the only people left at Brewerz until Brother Ranson serpentines toward the group, carrying drinks and shots in each hand. BROTHER RANSON Fuckin where do we go now? Sweet cock of mi-i-ine. Hell yeah, Buck. You rocked that shit. Panties were dripping, brother. Good thing my condoms can double as rain coats. Whats up, Wesley-O? WES Whats up, City of God? HAMLET DJ Dolby? Did you hear that shit? BUCK Phph, I know you saw the midget with the glow sticks.

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Greg the Bouncer walks over from the other end of the bar to join the group. GREG THE BOUNCER Thats Mr. Santiago, bro. Show some respect. WES Just the dust off your shoulder, Young Guns. HAMLET You ever been over there, Wes? WES Where? The Rave N Bowl? Oh indeed. Thats where the down boys go. Everyone there will be getting their dick sucked. BROTHER RANSON Prime trim everywhere. Blowzillas in the bathroom. GREG THE BOUNCER And those DJs are dope, bro. They know what real techno is all about. None of that poser stuff. HAMLET (under his breath) Of course youd say that. GREG THE BOUNCER Whatd you say, little man? You got beef? WES Easy, gentlemen. Wes slides a draft beer toward the bouncer. BROTHER RANSON Hey, brother, I think I went to high school with one of those cats. The one with the British accent. Hes from here. BUCK For real?

22. BROTHER RANSON Yup. Had a slight case of the Downs. For real. Got the Special Ed teacher fired for leaving the class unattended one day. Your boy convinced some other retard to whip his piece out and show it to the class. The guys a total meat gazer. HAMLET Of course he is. Im gonna be stuck in this Cenla shithole forever, while DJ Playground Creeper is lighting his Black N Milds with hundred dollar bills. BUCK Yeah, those guys are gonna be tough to beat. Everybody loves them here. Wes sees the mood in the room going south and changes the subject. WES Ok Earth Angels. Got something Ive been working on I need yall to consider. Its called questions of the future. In the future, when they start cloning humans for free labor and soldiers and spare parts, etcetera, do you fight your clone to the death for the betterment of mankind, or do you have sex with it and not tell anyone? Everyone laughs, even Hamlet, in spite of himself. A phone rings. The laughter dies down as Brother Ranson leaves the bar to take a call on his cell. O.S., the singing has stopped but the music continues. GREG THE BOUNCER Hey little man, you know where we keep the mop? HAMLET Fuck off, Greg. GREG THE BOUNCER Oh, I will. But not until I get to watch you clean up homeboys piss puddles.

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On stage, the drunk man urinates, oblivious to his surroundings. Hysterical laughter from everyone except Hamlet is cut short when Brother Ranson returns with a distraught look. BROTHER RANSON I got some bad news gentlemen. Hippie Dave just drove by the Pentacostal mega-church and saw To Exalt filming a video there now. For the contest. And the place is packed! The news lands heavy on Hamlet and Buck. It takes a few seconds to process. BROTHER RANSON Christian. Black Metal. BUCK Jesus. HAMLET This is bad. GREG THE BOUNCER (tossing the mop to Hamlet) Cry about it while you clean, little man. INT. HAMLETS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT The room is borderline squalid with matted shag carpet, a ratty couch and wood-paneled walls, but its got a decent flat screen TV and two plush recliners. Childrens toys are scattered about, and the coffee table is populated with overflowing ashtrays and two-month-old tabloids. Hamlet is kicked back in one of the recliners, sleeping. In front of the TV, Buck sits cross-legged, clutching a video game controller and wearing a corresponding headset. A tall-can energy drink sits beside him. On the screen, Bucks image, from the shoulders up, appears next to STARLA, 27. Whatever shes wearing has thin, lacy straps over her otherwise bare shoulders. They are video chatting via the game console. BUCK (into the headset) I dont think we can tonight.

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Starla replies, but only Buck can hear what is said through the headset. BUCK Yes. I want to. Beat. Buck looks back to Hamlet asleep in the recliner. BUCK Ok. Buck removes his headset, peels off his shirt, then puts the headset back on. On screen, Starla slides the straps off her shoulders. Hunched over, Buck begins to discreetly masturbate inside his pants, peeking over his shoulder again to make sure Hamlet remains asleep. YOUNG BOY (O.S.) What are you doing? Its DALE, or maybe D.J., one of the six-year-old twins in footed pajamas belonging to Doyle, the live-in boyfriend of Hamlets mom. BUCK Shit! Trying to hide what hes doing, Buck tucks and rolls in the opposite direction, knocking over his tall-can energy drink in the process. BUCK Oh shit! And begins trying to mop it up with his bare hands, as the sleeping house begins to stir. Lights come on from other rooms. Hamlet stretches awake. TWIN What are you doing to your ding-dong? DOYLE (O.S.) What the hells going on in there? HAMLET What the fuck?

25. A childs crying from O.S. Gloria enters, cinching off her robe. Hamlet is sitting up. Buck is furiously trying to clean up. On screen, Starla has her eyes closed, and her head thrown back in ecstasy. GLORIA (to Buck) Jesus Christ, son. TWIN He was shaking his ding-dong. Crying O.S. DOYLE enters in boxers and a tattered white tank top. DOYLE (to twin) He was what now with whose ding-dong? Did you see his ding-dong, Dale? Hamlet glares at Buck, who wont return the eye contact. HAMLET Go back to bed, Doyle. Hes a chronic masturbator, but hes not a pedophile. TWIN Masturbator! Masturbator! Gloria looks to the screen where Starla is in the throes of a wild, silent orgasm. Gloria shakes her head, pulls a pack of Pall Malls from the pocket of her robe and lights one up. EXT. HAMLETS NEIGHBORHOOD - SIDEWALK - NIGHT Hamlet and Buck walk along a street lit only by sporadic street lights in a neighborhood that at one time wouldve been known as working class. BUCK You really think weve got a chance against those DJs? HAMLET Of course we do. All we have to do is get into the top two with our video. Beating them in a live setting wont be a problem.

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BUCK What about the Black Metal Pentecostals? HAMLET That doesnt even make sense. BUCK I know. I think they call it Un-black Metal. HAMLET Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard. BUCK Yeah, but that church is like the Cenla mafia. They run shit. And they support their own. To Exalts gonna get a huge push. HAMLET Jesus. They walk a few paces in silence. Hamlet stops and turns to Buck. HAMLET We have to make a new video. EXT. UPSCALE SUBDIVISION - DAY

Hamlet counts out rumpled dollar bills in a hurried, agitated fashion. Brother Ranson looms over his shoulder, lips moving silently as he counts along. HAMLET Six, seven, nine, thats ten. (to Brother Ranson) Back up, man! (resumes counting) Five, six, eight and ten. Thats twenty. BROTHER RANSON Twenty bucks, homies. What do we get for that? TWO GIRL SCOUTS, no more than ten years old, whisper to each other. Theyve set up their cookie-selling operation - a folding table, chairs and a homemade sign - in the lush front yard of a two-story house. It looks just like the

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house on either side of it. Across the street, Buck is wearing his Erodicka T-shirt and leather pants, playing in the grass with a preschool-age BOY and a puppy. GIRL SCOUT #1 Four boxes. BROTHER RANSON Hells yeah. Gimme two mint crisps and two nut clusters. The girl scouts hand over the cookies. HAMLET (to Brother Ranson) Are you kidding me? BROTHER RANSON Nut clusters are the titties, bro! HAMLET The video? BROTHER RANSON Oh, right. (to the girls) And you girls will be in our video, right? The girl scouts stare blankly. BROTHER RANSON You girls wanna be rich and famous, right? Because when you grow up, nobodys going to marry you unless youre rich and famous. The girl scouts nod. BROTHER RANSON I work for a little company called Disney. Ever heard of it? On weekends I play X-Box with the Jonas Brothers on private jets. You be in our video, and I can make all your wildest dreams come true. Now is that something you might be interested in? The girl scouts nod.

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HAMLET (to Brother Ranson) We need more than three kids. See if theyve got any little friends or siblings or whatever. GIRL SCOUT #2 Whats a sibling? HAMLET Jesus Christ. BROTHER RANSON (Pulling out singles) This is how we do it at Disney. Heres five more dollars. Gimme one more box of nut clusters, and go round up any little kids you know in the neighborhood. The girls whisper to each other again. GIRL SCOUT #1 Six dollars. HAMLET What the?! Are you serious? Brother Ranson dramatically unveils a cigar from his shirt pocket, lights up, and puffs a cloud in the girls direction, making them cough. BROTHER RANSON (calming Hamlet) Its cool brother. (producing another single) You bitches drive a hard bargain. I respect that shit. Youll do great things in Hollywood. Now this makes six dollars. For six dollars I wanna see six friends. Can we make this happen? The girls nod. Hamlet whistles sharply. Buck, the boy, and the puppy stop and look. HAMLET Costumes! Now!

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EXT. UPSCALE SUBDIVISION - DAY Brother Ranson has his face an inch from a video camera. Hes setting it up on a rolling tripod. BROTHER RANSON March of the Sheeple. Take 4. Lets try to make it a little trippier this time. And action! HAMLET Would you stop doing that? In the middle of a cul-de-sac, Hamlet, Buck and a handful of neighborhood kids are aligned in the street in a V-formation with Buck at the front and Hamlet just behind him on the right. Hamlet is dressed as an American Revolution-era British redcoat with a bandage on his head barely covering gruesome wound make-up. Fake blood drips from his ear while a fake eyeball dangles from a bloody socket. He carries a snare drum strapped over his shoulder. Buck is shirtless, with bands of heavy chains around his neck and covering his torso. He is on his hands and knees, wearing a gas mask, leather pants, and cod piece. HAMLET We cant have action until you start the music over. BROTHER RANSON My bad, brother. BUCK Can I stand up for a second? HAMLET No, Buck, were about to be live. Brother Ranson trots toward a 1980s-model Chevy van parked at the end of the street. Its the kind with curtains on the windows, and its sitting on tall, knobby mud tires. The kids are getting restless. Theres horseplay between two boys. The girls cluster and chat. A puppy runs up to Buck and licks his face. Hamlet snaps a finger and points to scold them.

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HAMLET Hey! The kids get back in formation. The music starts, and the march begins, pied-piper style toward Brother Ranson and the camera. Hamlet keeps martial time on the drum. Some of the kids skip. Some jump rope. Neighborhood dogs join in. At the front of the pack, Buck crawls on hands and knees and lips syncs, peeling off the gas mask and the chains as he goes. A siren blares O.S. It belongs to the neighborhood security patrol, creeping up on this odd scene from an adjacent street. BROTHER RANSON Oh shit, bitch, its the fuzz! Brother Ranson runs toward the nearest confused boy and stuffs a small baggie of marijuana into his pocket. HAMLET Run! Brother Ranson scoops up the camera, and he, Hamlet and Buck - dragging chains with bloodied elbows and knees through torn leather pants - haul ass for the van. EXT. EBONY BEAUTY SUPPLIES - DAY All is quiet outside the dilapidated beauty store until Wes bursts through the front door on a dead sprint. At the same time, Brother Ransons van speeds to the curb and hops onto the sidewalk. Buck is waiting with the rear sliding door open as Wes dives in. INT. BROTHER RANSONS VAN - DAY Seated on the floor next to Buck, Wes catches his breath. The back seats have been removed to make room for camping gear, bongos, video equipment, and other accessories. On the dashboard, incense burns. Hamlet cranes his neck from the passenger seat in curiosity, while Brother Ranson calmly whips the van at impressive speeds through residential streets.

31. WES Ah, the Tender Trio. Muchos gracias. A clutch move, indeed. Lets just say its about to get ugly in there. BROTHER RANSON No worries, Wesley-O. Were just shooting B-roll footage for this bomb ass Erodicka video, son. Were trying to make this thing trippy as balls HAMLET (interrupting) No, we are not trying to make this trippy. Thats so stupid. Hes almost trembling with anger, eyes downward and pointing with emphasis toward the floor. HAMLET This video isnt for rich frat boys to gawk at during one of their lame hallucinogen parties while they pretend to not have money and be a part of some counter-culture that doesnt even exist. Wes goes out of his way to conceal his amusement. Buck laughs, interrupted by Brother Ransons cell phone ringing. HAMLET We need to go for shock value so we can get hits on YouTube for the contest. BROTHER RANSON (on the phone) Yeah, hes here. Hold on a sec. (handing his phone to Hamlet) Hey Hamlet, Malone wants to talk to you. HAMLET (confused) Malone? BROTHER RANSON Ma-lone dick in ya mouth, bitch. Brother Ranson slams on the brakes causing Hamlet to violently bump his head on the dashboard. Hysterical laughter from Buck and Brother Ranson. Wes interjects.

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WES Mia famiglia, Hamlet is right on this one. You need to shock folks. The more uncomfortable you make your audience, the better. What do we have so far? Buck hands a camera to Wes to review short clips of what theyve previously recorded: A close-up of flies swarming around a pile of dog shit; Two cows having sex; A rotting armadillo carcass on the side of the road; A close-up of a hand squeezing a hairy nut sack; BUCK Ah geez. HAMLET What? Let me see that. Buck hands the camera to Hamlet, who flinches at what he sees on the screen. HAMLET What? Aww! Damnit Ranson! Everyone is laughing but Hamlet. WES Ok. I think you have the right idea, but youre going about it the wrong way. I think you need to take this thing a step further. HAMLET How? WES Isnt Cenlabration going on right now? Thats where youll find the answer, gentlemen. Brother Ranson, take this Chevy to the levy. EXT. PARK FESTIVAL - DAY Red, white and blue bunting is draped from the Arts & Crafts tents, corn dog vendors, funnel cake stands, and BBQ pits that line the river levy, creating a perimeter around the carnival rides. This is Cenlabration, a Smalltown, USA, Fourth of July festival.

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A formerly well-known country act provides background music from the bandstand. Brother Ranson pushes through the crowd lugging his video equipment, followed by Wes, Hamlet, and Buck, still in costume from the video shoot. Buck carries his gas mask. WES (to Brother Ranson) Remember: Quick and dirty. I gotta be at work in an hour. BROTHER RANSON Ten-four, brother. Brother Ranson jets off into the crowd, video equipment in tow. Wes, Hamlet, and Buck walk in the other direction. WES So I was thinking about the next show at Brewzerz. You definitely need to up the ante with some new shit. Hamlet and Buck turn their heads, interest piqued. WES Picture this. What if Erodicka covered Another Brick in the Wall, and you had a whole choir of retarded kids backing you up in choir robes singing the We dont need no education part? That shit would kill it, brah! Buck and Hamlet shake their heads, but laugh anyway. WES How about this: During one of Bucks guitar solos, Hamlet, you stick him in the neck with an AIDS needle, then he slits his wrists and free bleeds all over the crowd! Buck is now laughing uncontrollably. HAMLET For real Wes, you got any ideas? WES My rule of thumb is theres no such thing as too much cock. Roll with it.

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A few paces later Buck stops. Hes eyeing a carnival game. The sign reads: TEST YOUR STRENGTH. The hammer-and-bell setup with the 0-100 grading scale. WES Or you could have a caged vampire bat on stage or something. WOMANS VOICE (O.S.) Hamlet! Hamlet and Buck flinch, then turn to see Olivia approaching the group with her sister KELSEY, age 15. OLIVIA Hey friends. Didnt peg you boys as the patriotic type. Whats with the costumes? BUCK Hey Olivia. Were shooting stuff for our contest video. OLIVIA Nice. I cant wait to see it. (to Hamlet) Oh, I got off work Thursday so Ill definitely be at the show. HAMLET Good. We need as many people there as possible. Were doing a live shoot for the video. Kelsey eyes Wes. KELSEY (to Wes) Hi. Whats your name? OLIVIA Oh, sorry. This is my sister Kelsey. Kelsey, thats Wes and this is Hamlet and Buck. From the band I was telling you about. BUCK (winks at Kelsey) Im the singer. OLIVIA So thats killer about the video, Hamlet. You guys have a website or (MORE)

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OLIVIA (contd) anything where I can check out your stuff? Hamlet fidgets. BUCK (to Hamlet) See dude. I told you. Wes moves in and roughly massages Hamlets shoulders, like a corner man with a prizefighter. It only makes Hamlet more uncomfortable and he wriggles away. HAMLET (to Olivia) Weve really just been focused on the artistic side -- getting our sound right and making sure the video conveys our message the right way. OLIVIA Ok. But you still have to promote. Look at all the stuff those DJs are doing. Isnt that what Brother Ranson is for? DING DING DING from O.S. In front of the Test Your Strength game, Brother Ranson hoists a large mallet over his head in triumph as the games lights flash around him. Hes taunting a group of middle schoolers. BROTHER RANSON Yeah bitches! What yall know about that shit? Pimp hand strong! INT. BREWZERZ - DAY Dressed in their everyday clothes, Buck and Hamlet are on stage, practicing. Theyre tight. It sounds good. The music continues over the following scenes:

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EXT. CENLA MALL - DAY Hamlet and Buck stalk across the parking lot. Hamlet carries a manila folder overstuffed with multi-colored paper. They approach the glass-door entrance to the food court where a large sign with red lettering reads: NO SOLICITING. With a furtive glance over each shoulder, Buck rips the sign off the glass and tosses it aside. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY On the shoulder of a busy highway, DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla stand shoulder to shoulder, together unsheathing poster-sized page from its cardboard tube. Each holding a corner of the large poster page, they are deep in conversation, looking upward and making sweeping gestures with their available hands. Serial Thrilla rubs his chin in thought, then a smirk comes over his face and he nods slowly. INT. CENLA MALL - DAY Hamlet and Buck are posted up on opposite sides of a fountain in the center of the mall, offering flyers to disinterested shoppers. A teenage boy rolls by on a skateboard, skids to a stop in front of Hamlet, takes a flyer, and looks at it: The naked man on all fours, same as the T-shirt design, with info about an upcoming Brewzerz show beneath. The kid laughs, wads up the flyer and pops Hamlet in the face with it as he skates away. As he does, Buck strides over and pushes the kid off his skateboard, sending him to the concourse tile in a yelping heap. Buck nonchalantly resumes his post. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla beaming up at: An oversized billboard, where their images are being plastered by a team of workers underneath the words:

37. RAVE N BOWL. EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT. WHERE CENLA PARTIES. DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla high-five. EXT. COMMUNITY COLLGE - STUDENT UNION - DAY A corkboard outside the red-brick building is covered with photocopied ads: books for sell, roommates needed, etc. Most prominent among them are multiple promotional flyers for the Rave N Bowl and To Exalt, as a well one for the upcoming Thomas Dolby show. They look closer that the To Exalt flyer: Three goth rock teens in a cemetery, one on his knees raising his hands to the sky, one looking away into the distance, and one rolling a boulder away from a tomb. In a hokey Photoshop attempt, the boulder reads: 2-X.Alt. Hamlet and Buck rip a few Rave N Bowls and 2-X.Alts off the board and cover others with their own flyers, leaving only Dolby and Erodicka. EXT. RURAL PASTURE - DAY A few dozen high school kids are sitting on tailgates, gathered around campfires and kegs near dusk. Lots of laughing and sipping from plastic cups. From the distance, a small crop duster plane swoops in, flying low. As it passes overhead, hundreds of paper leaflets flutter to ground below. The high school kids hurry to pick them up. The leaflet reads: ADMIT ONE RAVE N BOWL TONIGHT In the crop duster, DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla high five. INT. HAMLETS LIVING ROOM - DAY Brother Ranson and Hamlet are on the couch, hovering over a laptop, which rests on the coffee table. Buck sits cross-legged on the floor, video chatting with Starla. Brother Ranson controls the laptop, while Hamlet looks on. DALE and D.J. streak through the room, chasing each other, each with their own 20-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew.

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Brother Ranson bangs on the enter key, getting aggravated. Hamlet snatches the laptop and taps away at the keys, growing more and more frustrated. Brother Ranson calls for Buck. Perturbed, Buck pauses his chat, bolts up and stomps to the couch where Brother Ranson and Hamlet are arguing. Brother Ranson pushes Hamlets head. Hamlet slaps back feebly. Buck plops down between them and executes a series of quick, precise keystrokes. He gives Brother Ranson and Hamlet a look of equal parts pity and disgust. It seems to say: You pussies act like youve never written code before. With a flourish, Buck hits ENTER, and the jaws of all three boys go slack with amazement. On the computer: - A the - a - a man and woman on a bicycle built for two pedal through Cenlabration park; wholesome teenage couple walks hand-in-hand; little girl eats ice cream;

Each image is intercut with the scenes of cows having sex, dog shit, etc. INT. LOFT LABS - DAY The height of tech-chic workplaces. Open spaces, exposed brick, gleaming hardwood floors, large windows, leather couches, 72-inch flat screens. In the center is a bank of Macintosh computers, where DJ Fon-x and Serial Thrilla are joined by a throng of IT WORKERS, peering over the shoulder of the horn-rimmed GURU, creeping closer to the monitor. On the monitor: DJ FON-X AND SERIAL THRILLA WELCOME YOU TO THE WEB 3.0. Everyone looks confused until the Guru hands out 3-D glasses. Putting on the glasses, DJ Fon-X, Serial Thrilla, and the workers are shocked by what they see. They laugh in amazement, some jumping up and down. Celebratory high-fives all around.

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INT. BROTHER RANSONS VAN - DAY Brother Ranson whips the van into a spot in front of GameHaven. Buck gathers some flyers, but before he can slide the back door open, Hamlet hops out of the passenger seat. Brother Ranson cocks an eyebrow and looks back at Buck, who climbs toward the front of the van to get a better look at: Flyer-toting Hamlet entering GameHaven. Olivia is at the register. She smiles wide and greets him. Brother Ranson sees whats happening and points it out to Buck. Inside, Hamlet and Olivia chat, laugh. Brother Ranson and Buck are stunned. Inside GameHaven, Olivia reaches out and gives Hamlets arm a friendly rub. Immediately, a very noticeable bulge rises in his pants. Brother Ranson and Buck look at each other, horror turning into glee. Hamlet averts his eyes and covers his crotch with the flyers, drawing Olivias attention. She brings a hand to her mouth. Hamlet cant bring himself to look at her. He begins to flee abruptly, but turns, head still down, to leave the flyers with her. He heads toward the door, a walk breaking into a run with no way to cover his ill-timed erection. Buck and Brother Ranson are laughing their asses off. EXT. BUHLOW LAKE - DAY On the sandy lake beach, DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla are engaged in a game of football with bikini-clad girls from their entourage. One of the girls is bent over suggestively, ready to snap the ball to Serial Thrilla behind her. Serial Thrilla takes the snap and drops back to pass. Two of the girls chase him. Downfield, Fon-X runs with an outstretched hand trailed closely by three laughing girls. Serial Thrilla heaves a pass as the girls paw at him; one jumps on his back. Fon-X and the girls jump up to catch the pass. Fon-X comes down with the ball in a pile of now-topless girls.

40. Serial Thrilla and his girls find this hilarious. They laugh, and the one on his back nibbles his ear. Fon-X extends a hand to help up the topless girls. They repay him by sticking a blunt in his mouth and lighting it. Everyone laughs heartily. Then they high-five. EXT. RURAL PASTURE - DAY The fires are smoldering, the kegs overturned. The party has been abandoned. EXT. CENLA LUCKY LANES - NIGHT DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla in their DJ booth under the neon and blacklights at the Rave N Bowl, playing to a packed crowd. INT. BREWZERZ - DAY Buck and Hamlet are wrapping up their practice. Brother Ranson watches from the bar. Wes takes down chairs from the tables, preparing to open for the day. The song finishes. WES Very nice. Sounds like Satan and Hitler having a knife fight in a phone booth. BROTHER RANSON Fucking right, son! WES What about the antics? HAMLET What do you mean? WES Its time to go next level, gentlemen. This is the last piece for the video, right? Youve really gotta drive home the message. Six-foot dicks, blood - how bout this? Brother Ranson in a gimp mask and leather jumpsuit, chained to a stake.

41. BROTHER RANSON Hell yeah! And Ill jump out and try to attack people and shit. BUCK Yeah, Im kind of tired of wearing the gimp mask anyway. HAMLET What? No youre not. And we cant do that. Ranson has to film us. WES A fair point. Let me ask yo U THIS THEN: HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT LIVE ANIMALS? INT. BREWZERZ BATHROOM - DAY Hamlet gazes into the abyss of a toilet bowl as vomit trickles from his chin and disintegrates into the yellow murk below. Distant sounds of loud bar chatter and jukebox gold reverberate through the bathroom. His trance is interrupted by -HAMLET Oh God. Oh God. Oh- blahhhhhh! He finishes and slowly catches his breath and tries to regain some semblance of composure. He flushes, then pulls himself to his feet and exits the stall to wash his face and rinse the vile taste out of his mouth. Curiously, there are no urinals in this bathroom. The door swings open and two badass BIKER WOMEN walk in wearing leather jackets and bandannas. One is tall and lean, the other short and powerfully built. Their conversation is cut short when they see Hamlet. SHORT BIKER WOMAN Well, well, well. Looky here, Helen. We got us a pre-vert. The tall biker woman smirks and nods. The two of them creep closer to Hamlet. SHORT BIKER WOMAN Thought youd sneak into the womens restroom, find you some victims, did ya?

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HAMLET Wait. No. Thats not what happened. SHORT BIKER WOMAN I dont care too much for pre-verts, do I Helen? The tall biker lady shakes her and cracks her knuckles as they creep closer. HAMLET (backing up) Wait. I think theres been some kind of mistake. SHORT BIKER WOMAN (coming closer) Oh, theres been a mistake all right. You made the mistake of pissing me off. Hamlets back is against the dirty bathroom wall. The tall biker lady grabs him by the collar, and the short one whips out a switchblade. Just as quickly, its snatched away from her by Buck. BUCK (to the women) Go on. Hes my friend. The women stare down Buck as they brush past him and slowly exit. BUCK (to Hamlet) You OK? Ive been looking all over for you. We need to start getting ready. Got a good crowd today. Buck opens the bathroom door and looks out at the bar. Brewzerz is filling up. Wes is entertaining a large group at the bar with some elaborate bottle tricks. Brother Ranson is working the crowd with a handheld camera. Theres a line at the door as Greg The Bouncer checks IDs. Clusters of twenty-somethings gather around the tables near the stage. The room hasnt reached capacity, but its Erodickas largest crowd to date. Buck helps Hamlet to his feet.

43. INT. STORAGE ROOM - DAY Buck is looking into a mirror, applying fake scars to his torso. Long chains with hooks dangle from his freshly pierced nipples, which are still red and swollen. Hamlet paces in the background, biting his fingernails. HAMLET Did you see all those people? What happens if we have an equipment malfunction? Buck turns to Hamlet, black dildo in hand. BUCK This is what we wanted, right? So whats there to be scared of? I dont know about you, but Im about to go and set it the fuck off. HAMLET (trembling) Im not scared, but we have so much new gear we didnt get to do a proper sound check. What if theres a short in one of the cables, orBUCK Relax, bro. We are Golden Gods. Buck slips on the gimp mask, then slashes across his neck with a packet of fake blood, leaving a gruesome cascade of deep red down his chest. He walks to the door, the chain connecting the two tugging on Hamlets dildo. INT. BREWZERZ - DAY Erodickas stage setup is even more elaborate than the previous show: A giant black backdrop with large, white, dripping font. It reads: E-R-O A. The space between the O and A is occupied by a giant penis. The design is simple but to the point. Besides the tangled mass of cables and instruments is an oversized medieval guillotine. A large, paper mache penis leans against it. Two small weights sit on the floor behind the mic stand. Buck and Hamlet take the stage to hearty applause and chants from the crowd. Buck struts like he expected it and grabs the paper mache penis. The crowd erupts. Even with the gag ball in, Hamlets eyes tell us hes petrified.

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BUCK (taking the mic) Hello Brewzerz! Hamlet dials into the drum machine a heavy, dancey tune, then takes to the keyboard while Buck thrashes away at his guitar. The crowd begins to dance. When Hamlet strikes a few wrong keys. The crowd doesnt notice but it elicits a glare from Buck. He looks pissed, even through the gimp mask. As the song Buck squats them to his followed by drives on, Hamlet switches to the mannequin, and over the small weights on the floor and attaches nipple chains. A gasp from the audience, applause.

INT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT Post-show, the crowd is clearing out. At the bar, Hamlet, Buck and Wes listen as Brother Ranson is deep into a story. Theyre interrupted sporadically by patrons who come by to offer congrats and say hi to the band. Hamlet looks happy, relaxed, but also preoccupied. His eyes dart around the room. BROTHER RANSON So anyway, fucking another man in the ass is the most alpha male shit a fella can do. Peep this, anybody can whip another mans ass, but it takes a real soldier to cornhole him. You completely conquer him! The boys laugh. OLIVIA (O.S.) Whats so funny, boys? Hamlet flinches. BROTHER RANSON Olivia! Hamlets been worried sick about you. HAMLET Shut up, Ranson. Olivia exchanges hellos with Hamlet, Buck, Wes.

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OLIVIA So what are you boys getting into tonight? BROTHER RANSON Oh, its about to get real in Cenla tonight. Me and the boys are goin Bigfoot hunting. Got the van already packed. OLIVIA Wes, let me guess, youre encouraging this. WES Encouraging this? Twas my idea, chickadee. BROTHER RANSON Its gonna be legit. Trust me. Ill take pictures. OLIVIA Ill be looking forward to it, Ranson. I should probably get home anyway. Good show tonight, guys. And she turns to leave. Hamlets expression drops. HAMLET Yeah, I probably need to get out of here, too. Olivia stops. BUCK What? HAMLET Yeah, I got some errands and stuff. BUCK Errands? Whatever dude. You just Wes pops Buck sharply with a towel. BUCK Oww! OLIVIA (to Hamlet) You need a ride?

46. HAMLET Um. Yeah, I mean, sure. BROTHER RANSON Fuck yeah he needs a ride! Hamlet steps awkwardly to follow Olivia out the door as Brother Ranson does a hip-grinding dance, imitating doggy-style intercourse. EXT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT Hamlet and Olivia walk through the darkened lot in silence toward a modest sedan. Hamlet goes to the passenger side as Olivia digs through her purse. HAMLET Is this your car? OLIVIA (still digging) This is me. HAMLET Its nice. The car is obviously not nice. Olivia smiles. OLIVIA (producing the keys) Found em! (manually unlocking the door) You ever listen to LCD Soundsytem? Olivia gets in the car. Hamlets door wont open. HAMLET I, uh. I dont really. Um. He jiggles the handle with growing anxiety. Olivia leans over and unlocks his door. Deep exhale, and Hamlet gets in. INT. - OLIVIAS CAR - CONTINUOUS HAMLET I dont really see what the hipster hype is all about with LCD. Olivia starts the car, pulls out of the parking lot. LCD Soundsystem is on the stereo.

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HAMLET I mean, its OK, I guess. OLIVIA Well, I think theyre amazing. And you should give them another try. HAMLET Actually, its just one guy. He started out his career With a flirtatious smile, Olivia leans toward Hamlet and turns up the stereo, interrupting him. He looks away so she doesnt see him smiling back. But she knows. Shes got him hooked now. They ride on in comfortable silence, past the strip malls and chain restaurants on the main drag, past the corner stores and pawn shops in Hamlets neighborhood, listening to the music. As they coast to a stop in front of Hamlets house HAMLET Hey, I dont know if you know this, but um, Ive got this little karaoke thing on Saturday nights. I mean its no big deal or whatever, but OLIVIA Ill be there. HAMLET Oh. Ok. Cool. I guess Ill see you then. OLIVIA Yep. HAMLET (trying to open the door) OK then. Thanks. I mean, you know, for the ride. OLIVIA You have to unlock it first. HAMLET Oh. Right. Sorry. He unlocks the door and gets out.

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OLIVIA Bye! But shes cut off as the door slams. Hamlet gives an awkward wave and hurries inside. Olivia smiles as he walks away. EXT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT Hamlet lugs his keyboard case and a duffel bag through the packed parking lot. Hes followed by Buck and Brother Ranson. HAMLET Jesus. Where did all these people come from? BUCK Probably heard about my sick serpentine. BROTHER RANSON They probably heard Glorias giving HJs behind the dumpster tonight. HAMLET Shut the fuck up, Ranson. BROTHER RANSON At least youll be stackin paper tonight. Doin dirt for the scrilla, mane. The boys file past a long line of motorcycles and into the bar. Buck serpentines through the door. INT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT Hamlet, Buck and Brother Ranson push through a shoulder-to-shoulder crowd. Its an older, rougher-looking lot. BROTHER RANSON Lots of prison tats in the mix tonight. HAMLET And sleeveless denim.

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Through the crowd, at the bar: Olivia. Shes a couple drinks in, laughing as Wes tells an animated story. Approaching Hamlet catches her eye. OLIVIA Hey you! She hops off the stool and hugs him enthusiastically. Hamlets flustered; his hands are full, so he stands there and accepts the affection. OLIVIA Hows the video coming? HAMLET Were done. OLIVIA Youre done?! Thats amazing! BROTHER RANSON Fucking right. Plus the websites live and were blowing up the Twitters. Were gonna tongue punch that contest right in the chode. OLIVIA Wow. Good job, Ranson. Olivia and Hamlet share a patronizing smirk. HAMLET (to Wes) Can I go ahead and get set up? WES Bad news, Johnny Payheck. No more karaoke. Marlo sent down the word. Saturday night is now biker night. Hamlet is stunned into silence. WES Karaoke aint bringing in the kids anymore. Everybodys at the Rave N Bowl getting fingers wet. Gotta reach a different demo. HAMLET Thats - Thats bullshit!

50. WES Sorry, player. Thats the way the game is played. Hamlet is taking the news hard. His breathing is deep and sharp. BUCK Lame. I was gonna wreck some Journey tonight. Olivia consoles Hamlet, rubbing his upper arm. WES I know what we need here. Wes bangs four shot glasses down on the bar in quick succession, fills them with ominous amber liquid. BROTHER RANSON Fucking A! Brother Ranson takes his shot. Hamlet stares at his. BROTHER RANSON (taking a second shot) You dont want that, right Buck? Hamlet remains transfixed by the liquor. OLIVIA (to Wes) Hamlet doesnt drink. Hes straight edge. But hes eyeing the two remaining shots. WES Todays a good day to die. Wes twirls the whiskey bottle like a pistol, Hamlet still eyeing the shots. He wants them. Badly. HAMLET No thanks. Deep exhale. He gets a congratulatory pat on the back from Olivia. WES Suit yourself, young rider. Wes puts his shot away.

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WES Heres what you should do. Brother Ranson puts his arms around Hamlet and Buck, pulling everybody in for the conspiracy. WES Enemy territory. Recon. HAMLET Rave N Bowl? Absolutely not. Olivia sets her empty shot glass down less than gently. OLIVIA Yes! Lets go and laugh at all the douche bags. Itll be fun! Hamlet hesitates. OLIVIA Cmon! Olivia coaxes him first with her eyes, then pulling him by the hand up from the bar stool and toward the door. Hamlets resistance crumbles with Brother Ranson and Buck stumbling close behind. EXT. CENLA LUCKY LANES - NIGHT Brother Ransons van pulls into a parking spot near the back of a teeming lot. Hamlet, Buck, Brother Ranson and Olivia hop out and walk four abreast toward the lights and dull, thumping bass. Maybe 100 yards away, the tall, square building is lit up. High-beam spotlights shoot into the night sky from near the entrance. On the marquee: RAVE N BOWL FEATURING DJ FON-X AND SERIAL THRILLA TONIGHT!!! Our group passes numerous tailgate parties on their trek to the front door: Kids laughing, drinking, listening to music through open hatchbacks, smoking weed, huffing nitrous oxide. Brother Ranson tosses out a few casual hellos. The bass from inside gets louder. From all corners of the parking lot, kids are streaming in. The bass gets louder, louder, louder with each step --

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INT. CENLA LUCKY LANES - NIGHT Hamlet, Buck and Olivia stuck in their tracks at the front door, mouths slightly agape. Brother Ranson lights a cigar. What they see is pure spectacle. The room is lit exclusively by blacklights and neon. People everywhere. To the right is a large, crowded dance floor. To the left, throngs gather around a hip-hop battle. On a narrow plank high above the bowling lanes, two men dressed like samurais are engaged in a sword fight. In the middle distance, a fire-breather. HAMLET Its like Boogie Nights on ecstasy. Kids run past in laser-tag gear. Our group lingers awkwardly in no-mans land, unsure what to do or say. BUCK Look at that! A small crowd is gathered around four dancers dressed like Malcolm McDowells character, Alex, and his gang from A Clockwork Orange. The dancers are performing an elaborate choreographed dance routine with canes. BROTHER RANSON Bombs, beers, babes, blowzillas, this place has it all, brothers. Brother Ranson is interrupted byMANS VOICE (O.S.) Hambone. Is that you? The group turns to see one of the Alex dancers approaching. Its Greg The Bouncer from Brewzerz. GREG THE BOUNCER Whats up bros? I never knew you were in to EDM. Killer party, right? Gregs jaw is grinding. The group remains stunned. GREG THE BOUNCER Beats mopping up piss at Karaohhh-

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Greg punches the air and holds a fist high with head down in deep concentration. His thought has been interrupted by the music. Its nearing a crescendo and Greg is counting the rhythm off in quickening 1-2-3-4s. As the drop nears, Greg lifts his head and opens his eyes. GREG THE BOUNCER One, two, three, four! Right on time, the drop hits and Greg pumps his fist in a high-energy stomp dance, leaving the group speechless as he makes his way back into the electronic black light abyss. BUCK Greg The Bouncer is keeping it pretty real tonight. BROTHER RANSON (shaking his head) Well brother, I got a pant leg full of bone thats about to explode if I dont get a drink. Buck, why dont you come with me. BUCK Nah, Im good. Brother Ransons attempt to leave Hamlet and Olivia alone together is becoming less discreet. He grabs Buck by the arm and cuts eyes toward Hamlet and Olivia. BROTHER RANSON Why dont you just come with me? BUCK (pulling away) Whats wrong with you? Brother Ranson again whips around to Hamlet and Olivia, then back to Buck. Everyone can clearly see whats happening now. It takes Buck a second, then he smiles with recognition. Brother Ranson heads toward the bar. BUCK Oh yeah. Maybe I do want a drink. And Buck follows, leaving Hamlet and Olivia alone in awkward silence. OLIVIA That really sucks about karaoke.

54. HAMLET Yeah. OLIVIA But hey, at least you live with your mom. HAMLET What? OLIVIA I mean, at least you dont have to pay rent. HAMLET Oh. Yeah, I guess. OLIVIA You know, if you wanted, I could see about getting you a job at GameHaven. HAMLET Nah. I could never fit into the corporate world. Olivia shifts uncomfortably, looks away. Hamlet silently curses at himself. HAMLET I mean, thanks, though. Its really nice of you to ask. Olivia offers a meek smile. HAMLET Hey, wanna see how brainless all these chuckleheads really are? OLIVIA (warming) Sure. With exaggerated movements, Hamlet pulls out his cell phone, pretends to punch numbers and talk loudly over the music. All around him, passersby begin to check their cell phones. The behavior spreads like an airborne virus across the entire bowling alley as Olivia watches in amazement. OLIVIA (laughing) Thats hilarious! How did you figure that out?

55. HAMLET Just an experiment. You can get people to do pretty much anything if they think other people are doing it. Humans by nature need to belong. If you appear to be more needed or important, it really fucks with their insecurity. I call it the Yacht Club Effect. Olivia laughs, a beat passes. OLIVIA So, its crazy to me that youre into Thomas Dolby. HAMLET I love Dolby. OLIVIA But its so different than what Ive heard of your Erodicka stuff. HAMLET I actually write other stuff too. Suddenly, the music stops and the room goes dark. MR. SANTIAGO (O.S) Viva la trance!!! And the bowling alley loses its collective shit. Peaking, pitch-tweaked trance comes up, and kids stampede toward dance floor and DJ booth, nearly knocking down Hamlet and Olivia. The whole place remains dark other than the strobe lights that flash in sync with the bass throbs as the music continues to build. Mr. Santiago stands on top of a massive speaker near the DJ booth. MR. SANTIAGO Ladies and gentlemen of Cenla, are you ready to party? A roar from the crowd. MR. SANTIAGO Are you ready to lose your minds? Another affirming roar.

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MR. SANTIAGO Are you ready for ... T! V! D!??? Deafening response. MR. SANTIAGO Then in conjunction with Cenla Lucky Lanes, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, your fearless leaders into the rabbithole of sex, trance, and magic ... Da Po pimpin, walk with a limpin, Patron sippin, runnin and rippin, gold teeth grinnin, YouTube contest winnin, baddest DJs on da block ... Da-da-daDeeeJaaaaay Fon-X. As hes introduced, DJ Fon-X whizzes over the heads of the crowd and into the DJ booth on a zipline. Pyrotechnics explode around him. MR. SANTIAGO And the Seriaaaal Thrillaaaa! And Serial Thrilla shoots into the air from the middle of the dance floor, rising above the heads of the partiers, then landing on his feet amongst them. Hes mobbed by them before slipping away and joining Fon-X in the DJ booth. They take a dual bow before getting started. The crowd is going apeshit. Brother Ranson and Buck rejoin Hamlet and Olivia. The three newbies are awestruck by the sheer pageantry of the scene. Brother Ranson just puffs his cigar. BUCK These guys are going super hard. In the DJ booth, Serial Thrilla tosses an inflatable raft into the crowd and stands up on the ledge with his back to it. He queues up the next song on his smart phone with exaggerated scrolls, then falls backward into the raft, hitting the drop on the song just as he takes the plunge. INT. HAMLETS BEDROOM - NIGHT An eclectic, expensive mix of instruments are squeezed into every corner of the dimly lit room, making efficient use of the humble dimensions.

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A few posters are hung on the walls haphazardly, but one wall gets special care. Its a shrine to Thomas Dolby, featuring a few framed concert flyers and an oversized photo of Dolby in action, surrounded by synthesizers, singing into a head-mounted microphone. Directly opposite, a near mirror image: Hamlet behind a Kurzweil keyboard, the rooms centerpiece, plinking a slow, sad electro ballad. Other than some similarities in the instrumentation, its quite different than Erodickas stage sound. GLORIA (O.S.) Hamlet! Get your narrow ass in here. He stops playing. Sigh. INT. HAMLETS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Gloria and Doyle sit with feet up in the recliners, smoking long Pall Malls. The twins tear ass through the living room, toting their bottles of Mountain Dew, a towheaded blur of sound and fury. GLORIA Hamlet, Doyle got laid off at the plant today. HAMLET Its about time they got their shit together out there. Doyle flips him off. GLORIA And were moving to Texas. This gets Hamlets attention in a much more serious way. HAMLET Moving?! Wha-? We cant move. Im finally starting to get some buzz around the band. DOYLE Dont look so sad, Ham-bone. I heard they got plenty of queers out there in Texas. Im sure they love that crap. Ha! Hey, Dale, DJ. Tell your new brother hes a queerbait.

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The little boys tear ass through the room again. TWINS (laughing) Yeah! Queerbait! One of them punches Hamlet in the nuts as they run past. Everybody laughs. Hamlet slumps into a nearby lawn chair that doubles as living room furniture. HAMLET Its too late for you, Doyle, but you dont have to breed another generation of ignorant cretins. DOYLE Aw, dont get your twat raw. Were just joshing around with ya. Aint that right boys? TWINS (O.S.) Yeah! The boys zoom back into the room and clamber all over Hamlet and his chair in playful fashion. But Hamlet is quaking with anger. GLORIA Leaving in a month. Me and Doyle are going out there next week to look for apartments. Might have to stay with Doyles brother for a while after we move, though. HAMLET But I need the car! GLORIA Not in Texas, you wont. Got buses. HAMLET What about space for my gear? GLORIA Wont be none. Youll be bunking with the twins. Hamlet bolts up from his chair. HAMLET This is such bullshit! You-You cant do this to me!

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He storms around the room, into the adjoining kitchen. He POUNDS his fist on the countertop, rattling dishes. No one in the living room is paying the tantrum much mind. HAMLET Bullshit! Hamlet has nowhere to put his rage. He begins to whimper, still stomping around. GLORIA Come on now, boy. Just simmer down. HAMLET Simmer down?! Hamlet snatches up a plastic dinosaur from one of the twins and is about to smash it against a door frame before he sees the scared little boy on the verge of bawling. He drops the toy; hes not that kind of asshole, but the inability to express his rage is boiling over. HAMLET You want me to simmer down?! From somewhere deep inside Hamlet comes a blood-curdler. He opens his mouth and WAILS as he runs toward a wall with fist cocked. He unloads on the hard plaster with clean fury. It doesnt budge. HAMLET Ooowwwww! Hamlet clutches at his crooked wrist. Doyle pops out a big laugh thats choked by a gruesome smokers cough. DOYLE HA-hu- Huph-haph! EXT. HAMLETS HOUSE - NIGHT Olivias car rolls to a stop at the curb. Hamlet exits through the front door of the house wearing a sullen expression and heavy ace bandage around his wrist.

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INT. OLIVIAS CAR - CONTINUOUS Olivia is at the wheel; Buck and Brother Ranson are in the back seat. OLIVIA What happened to his hand? BUCK Something went down with Gloria the other night. Hes been in a pissy mood ever since. He wont talk about it. BROTHER RANSON Dont believe that, Olivia. He got carpal tunnel from giving Buck constant handjobs. Brother Ranson reaches in to pinch Bucks nipples but gets deflected. Buck retaliates with a hard nipple pinch of his own. BROTHER RANSON Ow! Ow! Ow! Sweet Baby Jesus, Buck! Buck relents. Brother Ranson is rubbing his tender nipples as Hamlet gets in the car. Hamlet gives Brother Ranson a strange look. OLIVIA Hi! HAMLET So whats this all about, Ranson? Olivia pulls the car away from the curb. BROTHER RANSON This is your golden ticket, brother. I got you guys booked on the Homegrown show on Ninety-Five X tonight. Live in studio. BUCK Keepin it real! OLIVIA Nice, Ranson! Hamlet just nods; his silence deadens the mood.

61. OLIVIA (to Hamlet) I havent heard from you in a few days. What have you been up to? HAMLET Not much. (to Brother Ranson) So youre sure this is legit? Olivia looks a little stung that shes being ignored. BROTHER RANSON Oh yeah, brother. Met the DJ at Brewzerz last night. We did blowzillas and shot the shit until seven in the morning. My beak hates me right now. HAMLET Wonderful. What could go wrong? INT. RADIO STATION - HALLWAY - NIGHT Leaving Olivia and Brother Ranson in the lobby, Buck and Hamlet are led down a long hallway by RED, the aging stoner DJ whose voice we heard earlier on the radio. RED So glad you bros could make it tonight. Should be an excellent show. He leads them through a door and into INT. RADIO STATION - STUDIO - CONTINUOUS The door swings open to a long table of computer monitors and microphones, where sit DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla. Hamlet and Buck stand stunned in the doorway; Red walks in. HAMLET What the hell is this? RED This is your competition, man. But no harsh vibes in the studio, bro. DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla pop out of their seats to introduce themselves.

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SERIAL THRILLA Straight up, flames. Its all peace, love, unity and respect. DJ FON-X No doubt. As the DJs approach, Buck sticks out his hand. Serial Thrilla grabs it and pulls him in for a bro hug, which Buck stiffly accepts. DJ Fon-X attempts to hug Hamlet, but Hamlet pushes him away. Fon-X is unfazed, though, and the DJs return to their seats. INT. RADIO STATION - STUDIO - LATER A red ON AIR sign is lit. With Red in between, Hamlet and Buck sit at the opposite end of the table from the DJs. On the other side of a large, plate-glass window, a PRODUCER sits behind a sea of dials and knobs. He cues up a bubbling bong water sound effect. RED Welcome back to Reds Homegrown on Ninety-Five X, your home for Cenlas best original music. If youre just joining us, tonight weve got a real joint committee in the studio tonight, man. Red looks at the producer. They exchange goofy smiles and thumbs up following the impromptu marijuana pun. RED Some special guests from two of the hottest acts in town. From Erodicka, weve got Hamlet and Buck. And, two of Cenlas biggest stars, DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla. Welcome back to the show, buds. SERIAL THRILLA Hip hop, dog. HAMLET (agitated) What?

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RED Uh, ok. So this contest has really been the talk of the local scene, and if we ended it today, these two bands would be our choice nugs to advance to the battle of the bands at next months cage fights. I think a lot of people expected to see DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla here, but Erodicka has been a bit of a trip, especially with 2-X.Alt looming close behind. Hamlet, why dont you turn us on to the band for listeners who maybe havent heard you guys yet. HAMLET Well, we feel like were pioneering a new movement we call bondage rock. Its all about pushing against the boundaries of the paradigm in which we live, and at the same time being constrained by it. RED Far out, man. HAMLET No, not really. Its a down-to-earth approach as I see it. Just two guys playing music. We just take advantage of the technology available to us thanks to forefathers like Thomas Dolby. DJ FON-X Yeah, yeah. Mos def. I can feel it, mate. Hamlet glares at him. LATER HAMLET At the core of the band its still about two musicians feeding off of each other. Ive always felt like Buck and I have a very symbiotic musical relationship.

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DJ FON-X No doubt. Its just like I was telling Serial the other day, ya know, our music is very symbolic, too, of like, a deeper meaning. HAMLET That doesnt make any sense. Red nods to the producer, who cues up a drop of someone inhaling and coughing violently. LATER RED Any plans to release a record? HAMLET I dont know if well go that route. With all the options available to artists these days, it feels like were past the traditional album. Its more of a post-LP world. RED (to the DJs) How about you guys? SERIAL THRILLA My boy Hamlet is dropping mad smart bombs. Our manager, Mr. Santiago, was saying the same thing the other day, which is why we release strictly remixes. HAMLET You have to do that because you dont write any of your own material. Serial shrugs. Fon-X files his nails. LATER RED And were back. Here tonight with Erodicka, who you can catch this weekend at the Firestone in Lafayette on Saturday night, and of course as always, you can see DJ Fon-X and Serial Thrilla right here (MORE)

65. RED (contd) in Cenla at the Rave N Bowl. DJ Fon-X, I understand youve got a big announcement you wanna make on our show tonight. DJ FON-X Oh yeah, most definitely. You see mate, this contest is the beginning of a new error for us as musicians. Hamlet rolls his eyes at the word musicians. DJ FON-X So we want to commiserate that by launching our new brand. From now on, I and Serial Thrilla will have one name: Free Porn. Buck giggles. Hamlets teeth are clinched and his gaze fixed on the table. RED Come again? BUCK Thats what she said. Everybody in the studio looks to Buck. No one laughs. DJ FON-X Free Porn. SERIAL THRILLA Like porn that you dont have to pay for. HAMLET You cant be serious. RED OK, why dont you tell us about that? DJ FON-X Its really a statement about the paradigm and whatnot. HAMLET Oh, thats such bullshit! Everyone stiffens at utterance of the curse word. Reds eyes widen. He looks to the producer who is shaking his head and gesturing wildly, unseen by Hamlet.

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HAMLET Youre just doing this to get traffic for your video and win the contest. DJ FON-X I dont know what youre bloody talking about. HAMLET This is a total scam! You wouldnt even know Thomas Dolby if he was standing on the table right in front of you. And youre not even British. Youre from CENLA! SERIAL THRILLA Im pretty sure I would recognize him. DJ FON-X It is what it is, bro. HAMLET What the fuck does that even mean? And the ON AIR sign clicks off. INT. RADIO STATION - LOBBY - NIGHT Olivia and Brother Ranson wait with worried looks. Theyve been listening to the radio show, still audible over the stations PA. Dragged along by a SECURITY GUARD, Hamlet bursts in through the glass door from the hallway. Buck follows on his own. The security guard walks Hamlet briskly through the lobby, opens the front door and pushes him out. EXT. RADIO STATION - NIGHT Hamlet storms across the lot toward Olivias car. Olivia, Buck and Brother Ranson follow. Hamlet tries to open the passenger side door. Its locked. HAMLET (yelling) Could you open the door, please!

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Olivia gets to the car and lets him in. Hamlet climbs in and slams the door. INT. OLIVIAS CAR - NIGHT Olivia starts the car and Reds Homegrown Show comes on the radio. The interview continues with Red, DJ Fon-X, and Serial Thrilla. RED (V.O.) So I understand you dudes have cultivated your own slogan. For all our buds out there who arent hip to TVD yet, tell us what that means, man. DJ FON-X (V.O.) Total Vag Domination. SERIAL THRILLA (V.O.) You know, like vagina. Olivia fumbles to turn it off as quickly as possible. Hamlet fumes silently in the passenger seat. EXT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT Olivias car rolls to a stop in the parking lot. Buck and Brother Ranson get out. The car pulls away. INT. OLIVIAS CAR - NIGHT Olivia drives, glancing alternately between the road and Hamlet. Hamlet stares out through the passenger window. OLIVIA It wasnt that bad. HAMLET It was a fucking disaster. They drive on.

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INT. OLIVIAS CAR - NIGHT The car pulls to a stop in front of Hamlets house. OLIVIA Im really sorry. HAMLET I dont want your pity. OLIVIA Ok. What do you want? Hamlet gets out of the car and slams the door. Alone in the car, Olivia sets her jaw. Shes pissed. INT. GAMEHAVEN - DAY Buck and Brother Ranson linger at the used games bin, thumbing through the cartridges and sneaking glances around the store when Hamlet bursts in. HAMLET Were fucked. Buck and Brother Ranson barely register his appearance. They whisper to each other. Hamlet moves closer and they abruptly stop what theyre doing. HAMLET Did you hear me, chuckleheads? Were fucked. 2.X-Alts in second place now. BUCK Oh, uh, that sucks, man. Hamlet paces around the store, and Buck and Brother Ranson begin digging through the bin and whispering to each other again. HAMLET Weve gotta be proactive about this, guys. We havent been doing enough. Weve gotta get on Twitter and let people know about the show this weekend, drive some traffic to the video.

69. BROTHER RANSON (focused on the games) Hells yeah, Hamlet. Twitter sounds awesome. HAMLET (moving in closer again) Im serious, you dipshits. Weve gotta Buck stops Hamlet where he stands with a cold stare. HAMLET Just be thinking about it, please. BUCK Ill take care of it, Hamlet. HAMLET And weve got practice at 3 tomorrow. BUCK (turning back to games) Ok, dude. Got it. Hamlet gets the point. He begins to leave the store. Before he does HAMLET Fuck that. We have a huge road show coming up that nobody will be at, were losing the freaking Dolby contest to a Pentecostal Black Metal band because nobody knows about our video, and Doyle just got laid off from the plant... Hamlet stops his rant mid-sentence, lip quivering, body shaking. For a long beat, no one says anything. BUCK I said, Ill take care of it. Hamlet turns and leaves the store. INT. BREWZERZ - DAY

Hamlet and Buck are on stage practicing. Wes is setting up the bar, preparing to open. The song finishes.

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HAMLET Lets take it from the cut-time part leading up to the bridge. I wanna try something out. BUCK For real? Weve been playing the same song for the last hour. WES Almost time to wrap it up gentlemen. HAMLET Come on. Lets hurry. Hamlet goes back to the laptop, punches some keys, dials up the beat on the drum machine and assumes his spot at the synthesizer as the music begins. Buck lingers, staring at Hamlet. Hamlet pretends not to notice. Reluctantly, Buck begins playing the song again. A few seconds later, Brother Ranson busts in, cell phone in hand and looking tense. He calls for Buck over the music and motions for him to come outside. Without hesitation, Buck puts down his guitar and heads outside. Hamlet stops the music. HAMLET OK, fine. Its only our last fifteen minutes of practice before Lafayette, but whatever! Hamlet turns to tinker with the laptop when Buck runs back into the bar, grabs his guitar and starts packing up. HAMLET Youre leaving? BUCK Yeah. Gotta go. Something came up. Buck gathers his things and heads toward the door. Hamlet follows him. HAMLET Something came up? What the hell?

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BUCK Sorry dude. And Buck disappears through the door, leaving Hamlet standing alone, dejected in the middle of the bar. His shoulders droop. From behind, Wes applies swift and vicious headlock. WES Look at that subtle off-white coloring; the tasteful thickness of it... Oh my God, it even has a watermark! Hamlets glasses fall to the floor. He doesnt resist, he doesnt tap out. He just goes limp. Wes releases him. WES What is this, Young Rider? Hamlet just stands there, shoulders still slumped, drops his head and begins to weep. WES Oh no. Hell no. We aint having this. Not on my watch, soldier. Wes scoops up Hamlets glasses and guides him to the bar, firmly, but not without care. He sits Hamlet down, puts his glasses in front of him and moves to the other side of the bar. Hamlet is slobbering, sniffling, crying. Wes wears a twisted, sickened expression. WES Look, uh. How bout a drink? Hamlet shakes his head. Wes hesitates, then the dam breaks. WES Whats wrong with you? You gotta clean yourself up, brah. Have some self-respect. A sad showing, indeed. Customers will be here any minute. He throws a bar rag in Hamlets direction. Hamlet wipes his face with it.

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WES (sliding a folded piece of paper across the bar) Here. Check this out. New shit. Hamlet unfolds the paper, puts on his glasses and recoils violently. HAMLET AHHH! A beat passes in silence. HAMLET (sneaking another peak) Wait. What is this? WES Thats a cautionary tale, my friend. Hamlet looks up, expecting an explanation. WES This was a couple years back. Bad times all around. I was feeling sorry for myself, like young men do, so I took up with this older chick-a-dee. The motherly jaguar type. She wanted to take me in, make everything OK, and I was vulnerable, so I let her. But she was bat-shit nuts, and I knew this, and I knew I should get away, but I was all vulnerable right? So one thing leads to whatever, and I finally break it off. About two weeks later, she tells me shes with child, but shes going to take care of it. Well, turns out, she didnt. But because she was so old, there were complications, and the baby died. But she didnt go to the doctor. Oh no. She carried that shit around, dead, in her womb, for like two weeks. But thats not all. Something else you should know about this tigress, she would drink cough syrup by the bottle. Get all shit hammered. So one night on a head full of Tussin, she sat down to pee, reached up inside her, and pulled that shit out ... I told you (MORE)

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WES (contd) she was crazy. So the next morning, she wakes up to find the dead baby in a flower pot and of course she freaks out, and calls me over. And I come over, and there it is. And so I took a picture, cause, like, whatever else has gone down, thats still my son, ya know? A beat passes. Hamlet is horrified. HAMLET (pointing to the paper) Thats your unborn fetus?!? WES Hey, Im just saying. Dont let this shit happen to you. Its a slippery slope, my friend. Another beat as Hamlet silently grapples with the hideous macabre complexities of what hes just learned. His concentration is broken by -Wes cackling maniacally. Hes laughing with his eyes wide open, staring directly into Hamlets face. Then he stops. WES Jesus, Hamlet. Im just fucking with you. I got this shit off some messageboard. Im about 90 percent sure its bullshit. HAMLET Thats so fucked up, man. WES Hey, I dont see you going all Wilson Phillips on us anymore. Id say it worked. A biker dude walks into the bar. Wes winks at Hamlet, and goes to serve the customer.

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EXT. COTTON PATCH - DAY A fast-food WORKER hands two beverages to a customer through a drive-thru window as smoke from the vehicle creeps into the restaurant. WORKER (coughing) One extreme-size chocolate milkshake and one extreme Coke. With the Cotton Patch Double Decker, catfish box, and cheese sticks. Thats $24.69. And could you put that out, sir? BROTHER RANSON (handing over the money) Thats Nag Champa, sugar tits. I got incense burnin 24-7 in this poon wagon. Keepin it freaky! The employee scowls, and Brother Ranson drives off, leaving his thirty-one cent tip. INT. BROTHER RANSONS VAN - CONTINUOUS Brother Ranson is at the wheel dressed in typical Ranson uniform: Sun visor, shell and hemp necklaces, Hawaiian shirt and flip flops. Buck and Hamlet are in their over-the-top stage costumes. Bucks lap is covered in fast food wrappers. He is eating all the food that was just ordered. HAMLET Very charming, Ranson. BROTHER RANSON Thats how I do business, brother. BUCK (to Brother Ranson) Yeah, how do you expect to get laid by being a dick all the time? HAMLET By calling his roofie dealer. His frat gets a discount for bulk purchases.

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BROTHER RANSON How do you expect to get laid by NOT being a dick all the time? If theres one thing I understand, its the inner workings of the female mind, brothers. I got sisters and shit. Hamlet and Buck look at each other and roll their eyes. They seem to be getting along, even if it is at Brother Ransons expense. BUCK (eating) I cant believe yall didnt get any food. This shit is going hard. HAMLET I dont like to play on a full stomach. BROTHER RANSON And I dont like doing Ketamine on a full stomach! Brother Ranson pulls out a small baggy of white powder and takes a hit from a Cotton Patch straw while steering the van with his knees. BROTHER RANSON WHOOOOO! Call me Nature Boy, bitches! Lafayette, baby! Brother Ranson chops Hamlet in the chest, then turns up his radio. A jam band is playing. INT. BROTHER RANSONS VAN - DAY Buck and Hamlet are chatting about the show and dont notice that Brother Ranson appears to be nodding off at the wheel. HAMLET OK. So we open with Cock Riot BUCK Why dont we do Sheeple first, promote the video? HAMLET Jesus, Buck. Dont be a chucklehead. Thats exactly why we cant do Sheeple first. You (MORE)

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HAMLET (contd) have to understand the needs and expectations of the audience. Theres a rhythm to it. Its like math. BUCK Whatever dude. BROTHER RANSON (mumbling) Fuck the sheep. Fuck em with aFuck em with a goddamned milkshake. Buck and Hamlet are focused on the conversation at hand, and barely notice Brother Ransons rambling, or his swerving. HAMLET OK, so its: Cock Riot, Safeword, Politics of Shame, Throbbing Missile, Rust in the Wind, Blasphemy in 1080p, Suck My Depression, Sex Art, March of the Sheeple, Crme de la Cream and finish with the Unclean/Soul Leper medley. A beat passes. BUCK Did you ever think wed be doing this? HAMLET Doing what? BUCK Dude, were on the road. That keeps it super real. Think of how many people dream of doing something like this and never get the chance. HAMLET Yeah, but its all going to be for shit because there wont be anybody at the show, and if there is were gonna suck anyway because we didnt practice. Buck just grins and shakes his head. Hamlet doesnt get it. Brother Ranson screams at the top of his lungs, eyes wide

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open. He slaps Hamlet across the head then violently jerks the wheel all the way to the right. The three boys scream in unison as the van hops off the road and over a barbed wire fence. As the van comes to a halt. An axle is broken and one wheel sits perpendicular to the car. Cows from the field step over the wrecked fence and scatter in all directions. EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY Cows are everywhere. Hamlet paces along the side of the road on his cell phone while Buck leans against the hopelessly immobile van. Hamlet curses at his phone then walks back over to Buck. They are both still in stage attire. HAMLET (phone to his ear) What the fuck? Nobody is answering their phones. I dont know what Olivias problem is. Buck looks away at the mention of Olivia. HAMLET (putting away the phone) Great. Well the cops will probably be here any minute. Wheres the rest of Ransons drugs? We have to get rid of that shit. BUCK Once we crashed his pocket then mouth. Made him too. The drink, I got the bag out dumped it in his drink some Coke not the drug.

Sirens can be heard in the distance as flashing lights approach the scene. HAMLET Thats it. Were fucked. The Highway Patrol Car pulls over to the shoulder and two police OFFICERS step out of the car. They briefly remove their sunglasses to get a better look at the odd scene. They look disgusted.

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OFFICER #1 Alright, I want to see some IDs. Whos the driver? Hamlet and Buck nervously fish for their wallets, then hand their IDs to the officer. BUCK I did it. I mean, I was driving. OFFICER #1 Was there anyone hurt? Anybody else involved? Brother Ranson stumbles out from behind the van. Hes shirtless and drooling, smearing ketchup on his naked belly and mumbling nonsense. He advances toward the cops before Buck restrains him. BUCK This is my brother. Hes retar uh, hes got special problems. Brother Ransons head droops. Buck strains to hold him up. OFFICER #1 (suspicious) I see. Officer #1 hands the IDs to OFFICER #2. OFFICER #1 Run the tags and these IDs. See if something sticks. Officer #2 nods and returns to the cop car. OFFICER #1 How much have you boys had to drink? BUCK We dont drink, sir. Were straight edge. HAMLET (a beat behind) Were straight edge. This bewilders Officer #1. Officer #2 returns to the scene, whispers to Officer #1.

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OFFICER #1 (to Brother Ranson) Are you Matthew Ranson of Cenla, by any chance? Brother Ranson lifts his head, mumbles and drools. The cops move in swiftly, applying handcuffs to the three boys and shoving them against the cop car. OFFICER #1 We have a warrant for the arrest of Matthew Ranson and Buck Owens for felony theft of property. You boys have the right to remain silent... As the cop rattles off the Miranda Rights, Hamlet shoots Buck a look that says what the fuck? Ashamed, Buck looks away. EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY Still in stage attire, Buck and Hamlet stand handcuffed on the side of the road with Officer #2. Brother Ranson is in the back of the cop car and appears to be sleeping. Officer #1 searches the van. Strewn along the exterior are his findings so far: The large paper mache penis, the guillotine, the nude mannequin, a weedeater and a caged goat. He lugs a large cardboard box out of the back, brings it to the shoulder and digs through it. What he finds: Jumper cables, an industrial-sized tub of baby powder, motor oil, spare dildos, a leather gimp mask and leather whips. Carrying a leather whip in each hand, he approaches Hamlet and Buck. OFFICER #1 What in Gods name are you boys up to? HAMLET We play in band called Erodicka. We have a show tonight in Lafayette. OFFICER #1 A band, huh? What kind of music?

80. HAMLET Bondage rock. Officer #1 shakes his head and goes back to the van. Hamlets eyes widen as Officer #1 pulls out his prized Kurzweil keyboard. OFFICER #1 What the hell is this? HAMLET (sarcastic) Oh, thats my violin. Officer #1 drops the keyboard and slams Hamlet into the side of the cop car. With one hand, he unsheathes his mace and puts it in Hamlets face. OFFICER #1 You want to be a smart ass? I want you to look me in the eye and say keyboards are for pussies. Hamlet trembles with anger while Officer #1 smiles at him. Buck turns away to conceal his chuckling. OFFICER #1 Cmon tough guy. Keyboards are for pussies. Say. It. Now. Hamlet pauses. Still trembling with anger, he looks at the ground, then back at Officer #1. HAMLET Mace is for pussies! Without hesitation, Officer #1 maces the defenseless Hamlet, who drops to his knees screaming and rubbing his face on the road. Meanwhile, a truck full of gawking rednecks, complete with four traumatized kids in the back, rolls by slowly. INT. PARISH JAIL CELL - NIGHT Hamlet stands, gripping the gray bars of the holding cell while Buck lies on a bare mattress, staring at the ceiling. Hamlets eyes are swollen and face badly scraped from concrete. Brother Ranson is on the floor, spread eagle and snoring. The boys are still in stage attire: assless chaps, dildos, etc. Brother Ranson remains shirtless and in his boxers. The ketchup has dried.

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HAMLET You were stealing fucking video games?!?! BUCK (whispered) Shhh! Shut up! HAMLET Jesus. What kind of idiot are you? No wonder Olivia wont answer my calls. She probably thinks I was in on this or something. No response. Only Brother Ransons snoring breaks the silence. HAMLET Great, thats just great. The show is ruined. Well probably never get booked outside of Cenla again. Once word gets out, were fucked. All the work that I put in to Hamlet is interrupted by narcotic ramblings from the sleeping Brother Ranson. BROTHER RANSON (mumbling) Whoo. Lafayette, baby. Fuckin sheep. HAMLET It doesnt matter any way. None of this will matter after next month anyway. No response. Snoring. HAMLET Im moving. Doyle lost his job and were moving to fucking Texas. No response. Just snoring. HAMLET Did you hear me?! BUCK (monotone) Yeah, that sucks man.

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HAMLET Thats all youve got to say? My entire life is going to shit and all you can manage is that sucks, man. BUCK What do you want me to say? HAMLET How about showing some fucking emotion? This is going to be the end of Erodicka, you know. Im gonna have to share a room with the twins. Ill probably have to pawn all my gear, and Im gonna be living in shitty ass Texas. How about saying, hey man, Im really sorry to hear about that? Is there something I can do to-? BUCK Oh fuck off, Hamlet. HAMLET Excuse me? No response. Snoring. HAMLET Is there something you wanna say to me? Hamlet and Buck glare at each other across the room. The tension is thick. Brother Ranson snores. BUCK (standing up) Ok, fine. All you do is bitch and moan and cry about how the world is always taking a massive dump on your head. How terrible it is and how misunderstood you are. (fake crying) Oh, poor Hamlet wah, wah, wah. Cenla is such a shit hole and nobody gets what were doing. (normal voice) And then this opportunity comes along to go somewhere else and now you bitch and moan and cry about that. Quit being such a goddamned pantywaste. Its annoying. You (MORE)

83. BUCK (contd) wanna know why Olivia wont talk to you? Its cause youre a self-absorbed dickhead. Hamlet turns back to the bars and away from Buck. BUCK (softening) Sorry. Youre not always a dickhead. It just seems like youd rather be unhappy. If you dont want to move, dont. Youre a grown ass man. You can do whatever you want. HAMLET But I cant afford rent without karaoke. Thats why we have to win the contest. BUCK Jesus, dude. Forget about the contest. And stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop acting like life is some kind bullshit mystery or whatever. Figure out what you want and then do whatever you have to do to make that happen. Veni, vidi, vici, dude. Seize the day. Brother Ranson farts. INT. PARISH JAIL CELL - DAY Hamlet awakes alone in the cell. On the other side of the bars: Glorias frowning face, smoking a Pall Mall. EXT. HAMLETS ROOM - DAY Hamlet paces around his room then picks up a cordless phone from his bed. He presses redial, only to be greeted by an answering message. ANSWERING MESSAGE (V.O.) You have reached the voice mailbox of BUCK (V.O.) Do I say it now? Oh, uh, Buck Owens.

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ANSWERING MESSAGE (V.O.) This mailbox is full. Please try your call Click. Hamlet sighs. Hamlet sits down at his Kurzweil keyboard, still banged up from the roadside debacle. The Thomas Dolby shrine is behind him when the phone rings. HAMLET (rushing to the phone) Hello, Buck? RED (V.O.) Hey man, this is Red from the radio station. Hope youre sitting down, dude, because Im calling to let you know that Erodicka just won first place in the YouTube contest and will go on to face Free Porn at the battle of the bands at the Cage Fights. Hamlet drops the phone, speechless. RED (V.O.) Hello? Are you there, dude? Wait, man. What were we just talking about? EXT. HAMLETS HOUSE - DAY Hamlet exits the house, shoves his hands in his pockets and begins walking. HAMLET WALKING Hamlet walks through town alone. He is churning with mixed emotions, but his steps are marked by determination. On his route he passes familiar sites: - The low-rent neighborhoods; - the baseball field overgrown with weeds; - the liquor store; - And the shopping center containing GameHaven and the Army recruiters office.

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INT. GAMEHAVEN - DAY Olivia is at the register, filling out game order forms. BING-BONG. She looks up, smiling to greet the incoming customer. Then frowns and goes back to her work when she sees its Hamlet. He approaches the counter. She doesnt look up. OLIVIA (still writing) Youve got a lot of balls coming in here. HAMLET You wont answer my calls. OLIVIA (looking up) Oh, now you want to talk?! HAMLET Yes. INT. BREWZERZ - DAY

Hamlet is seated at the bar alone talking to Wes. There is an amber-colored beverage in a highball glass on the bar in front of him. HAMLET So Buck was stealing the used games at night after work, and Ranson would sell them back to the same store the next day? WES Indeed, Earth Angel. No regard for security cameras. Wes laughs uncontrollably. WES (laughing) And the best part is, Brother Ranson would sell the games back while Buck was working, so Buck would give him most of what was in the register. In front of the cameras.

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Hamlet shakes his head in disbelief and anger. Wes grabs Hamlet by the shoulder and pulls him in close. WES Now listen, Hamlet. Dont ever tell Olivia this ... It was my idea! HAMLET What? WES I came up with it, just to see how they would react, but I never thought in a million years those dumbasses would try to pull it off. (laughing) And even if they did, I figured Buck could loop the security footage. I mean, he knows how to do all that shit, right? You should see all the games they got me! Olivia enters the room from the womens bathroom and takes a seat next to Hamlet. The drink is hers. WES There she is! Bucks favorite chick-a-dee! OLIVIA Cmon. I knew you guys were gonna give me a hard time about this, but I had to call the cops. I was going to lose my job if I didnt. God, at least do it away from the cameras! Those idiots gave me no choice. (to Hamlet) So what are you gonna do about the battle of the bands? Nobodys seen Buck in a week. Does he even know? HAMLET Fuck the battle of the bands. Wes and Olivia both turn to Hamlet; Olivia knocks over her drink. OLIVIA What did you say? HAMLET I said, fuck the battle of the bands. Without Buck Im screwed.

87. Wes and Olivia exchange looks of disgust. Wes grabs Hamlet by the shoulders and begins shaking him violently. WES Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Youre doing this battle of the bands, or Im whipping your ass. Every week I see you two clowns come in here with all the dildos and leather and stage props, which, dont get me wrong, is fucking hilarious, but youve ran business away. Ive lost money out of my own pocket because I want to see you succeed, and now that you somehow finally have the chance to, youre gonna say, fuck that? Head dropped, Hamlet has nothing to say. WES I dont think so, brah. Brother Ranson bursts through the front door. He slows down when he sees Olivia and sheepishly takes a spot at the opposite end of the bar, avoiding all eye contact. WES (to Hamlet) And seriously, brah. Whats with all the dildos? BROTHER RANSON Buck ran off to Seattle, brothers. Its all over the Internets. Hes with Starla, the video chat girl. Word is they got married yesterday. Chalk it up to Manifest Destiny. Hamlet bolts off his stool and paces the room. HAMLET I fucking knew it. OLIVIA Do you think hes in love? HAMLET Fuck no. He just hates being a virgin. (to Wes) See. Im fucked. Our songs wont work without guitar and vocals.

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BROTHER RANSON (to Hamlet) Let me help you, brother. Hamlet stops dead still and glares at Brother Ranson. BROTHER RANSON Let me take Bucks place for the battle of the bands. HAMLET Hell. No. BROTHER RANSON Alright, brother. Have it your way. But remember, Ive been there from the beginning. Every show, every practice. I know all your songs, every lyric, every note, and Ive got my own gear. WES Fair point. BROTHER RANSON Its like the story of the cowboy who was walking through the desert but didnt leave any footprints because he was always walking backward. Wait HAMLET Are you high right now? BROTHER RANSON I just mean that if you cant be with the one you love, you know, just take that other guy. Goddammit. I mean OLIVIA I think what Ranson is trying to ask is how bad do you want to get out of moving to Texas? Hamlet looks around the room at his three friends looking back at him. A million thoughts race behind his eyes at once. Brother Ranson puts his arm around Hamlet.

89. BROTHER RANSON Hey listen brother, you can do whatever you want. Its your band. No bullshit. I just wanted to tell you, I feel pretty shitty about ruining the Lafayette show and getting us thrown in jail and all. Wes and Olivia exchange shocked looks. BROTHER RANSON I know Ive been running around Cenla, claiming to be your manager and that I havent been much help. To be honest, Im just glad you guys let me hang around, because Im kind of a piece of shit, and I think yall are fucking awesome. Hamlet glares at Brother Ranson. HAMLET No trippy shit. BROTHER RANSON What does that mean? HAMLET I mean yes, lets do it, but no stupid trippy shit. BROTHER RANSON (standing up) No problem brother. HAMLET And you have to get all of your stupid date rapist frat brothers to come, and get their friends to come. And we have to rehearse, because we dont have much time. WES Antics, gentlemen. We have to talk stage antics as well. The new shit. Next level shit. Olivia remains sitting at the bar, smiling and clapping for the group. OLIVIA Thats my boys! Hamlet looks at Olivia and exhales. Hes nervous.

90. HAMLET Dont fuck me. OLIVIA Excuse me? Hamlet shakes his head and looks to Brother Ranson. HAMLET (to Ranson) Shit. I mean, this is my one shot. Just, please, dont fuck me over. BROTHER RANSON (patting Hamlet on the back) Oh dont you worry about me, brother. Were about to grab this thing by the mushroom head and run with it. INT. HAMLETS BEDROOM - DAY Crammed in the tiny bedroom, Hamlet and Brother Ranson are practicing. Brother Ranson is sweating profusely, and its sounding pretty good. Over the music: BANG BANG BANG. Its Doyle, beating on the door and letting himself in. The boys stop playing. DOYLE Lunch is served, fag-o. INT. HAMLETS LIVING ROOM - DAY Hamlet and Brother Ranson follow Doyle into the room. All the furniture is gone. The walls are lined with stacks of boxes. The twins sit on the floor eating bologna sandwiches off paper plates. Hamlet and Brother Ranson take a seat next to them and each grab a plate and sandwich of their own. Doyle walks through the room and into the kitchen where Gloria is packing dishes. DOYLE (yelling) You better start packing your shit there, Ham-bone! I figure thats one thing you ought be good at! Ha! Packing shit!

91. (quieter) You hear that Gloria? I said he was good at packing shit. Get it? Gloria raises a backhand and Doyle cowers. BROTHER RANSON (quietly, to the twins) Hey boys. Did yall know your dad is a homophobic asshole? They grin, shake their heads and keep chewing their sandwiches. BROTHER RANSON Do you know what that means? It means hes a retarded piece of shit and nobody will ever take him seriously. The twins just giggle. HAMLET Knock it off, Ranson. BROTHER RANSON I got your back, brother. Brother Ranson attempts a fist bump, but Hamlet leaves him hanging. INT. CENLA CONVENTION CENTER - MENS BATHROOM - NIGHT Hamlet gazes into the abyss of a toilet bowl as vomit trickles from his chin into the water below. Muffled sounds of cell phone conversations and chatter can be heard in the distance. Hamlets face is ghost white and scabbed from the police encounter. His lips quiver as he trembles viciously. HAMLET Oh God. Oh God. Oh- blahhhhhh Brother Ransons face appears next to Hamlets above the toilet bowl. His head is shaved and his face is made up in full corpse paint. BROTHER RANSON It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets my hose again. Come on, brother. Tis time. Brother Ranson helps Hamlet to his feet and they walk out the door to -

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INT. CENLA CONVENTION CENTER - BACKSTAGE AREA - NIGHT The backstage corridor borders on chaos. Stage managers and production assistants are running in and out. A half dozen men in suits on cell phones weave through caterers, crew members, and security guards. Hamlet is in typical stage getup. Nazi SS hat, Scout Master shirt, leather bikini briefs, combat boots, and black strap-on dildo. Brother Ranson is wearing a body-tight leather suit with spiked dog collar, complete with long chain. Hamlet is on the verge of nervous breakdown. PRODUCTION ASSISTANT (tapping Hamlet) Excuse me, are you boys with Erodicka? BROTHER RANSON You bet your big tits we are. And if you play your cards right, we might invite you to our rock star after-party. PRODUCTION ASSISTANT You mean you and pencil dick here playing World of Warcraft at your moms house? Ill pass. Youre on in fifteen. Dont make me hunt you down. As the production assistant leaves, Brother Ranson pulls Hamlet over to a corner, looking over his shoulders to make sure they are alone. Brother Ranson reaches into his pocket and pulls out two small, blue pills. BROTHER RANSON You need to take the edge off, brother. Hamlet stares silently at Brother Ransons hand. BROTHER RANSON We cant afford a rough start tonight. Brother Ranson eats his pill. BROTHER RANSON You want to win this thing, right? This is just gonna chill you out a (MORE)

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BROTHER RANSON (contd) bit. Like that shit sluts take before plane rides. As Hamlet weighs the offer, something catches his attention: At the end of the long, narrow backstage corridor, a set of double doors swings open. Bright light pours in. From it, Greg the Bouncer, DJ Fon-X, Serial Thrilla and the Free Porn entourage step inside and remove their sunglasses. They stare down the hall at Hamlet and Brother Ranson. Hamlet and Brother Ranson stare back. Tension builds. Stray tumbleweed rolls across intervening space between. Greg The Bouncer is in cowboy hat and full security guard getup. He leads the Free Porn entourage to their dressing room. They walk directly toward Hamlet and Brother Ranson. Without breaking stride, Greg The Bouncer puts his cowboy hat on Hamlets head as he passes. GREG THE BOUNCER (whispering to Hamlet) You dont have the balls. Without slowing, each member of the entourage looks at Hamlet and smirks. DJ Fon-X blows a kiss as they pass. Hamlet watches them go, then without a word, takes the pill from Brother Ransons hand and puts it in his mouth. BROTHER RANSON That-a-boy! Now chew it up good. Its gonna taste like asshole butHamlet begins to gag. Brother Ranson offers him a beer to wash it down. Hamlet takes the beer and downs it, then hurries to the dressing room. INT. CENLA CONVENTION CENTER - DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT Hamlet enters the dressing room in a panic, only to find Buck relaxing on a squatty sofa in full Erodicka stage gear, minus the gimp mask. A laptop rests on his knees. BUCK Pretty sweet. We got our own dressing room. Hamlet is dumbfounded.

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BUCK Sorry I was late to load-in. My flight was delayed in Houston. Fucking Texas, right? HAMLET The contest- We won. WeBUCK I know, dude. I told you Id take care of it. Come see. Buck turns his laptop toward Hamlet and shows him an auto-click program running a counter representing Erodickas page views. It is well into the millions and still counting. Buck smiles dumbly. BUCK Looks like the last fight is almost over. Im gonna head that way. Get ready to keep it real. Buck leaves patting stunned Hamlet on the back on his way out. Hamlet runs to the sink and splashes water on his face, massaging his eyes deeply, then rubbing his head and the back of his neck. He continues rubbing his head. Its becoming very self-sensual. He looks at himself in the mirror. Hes grinding his teeth and his eyes are bat-shit wild, pupils fully dilated. The ecstasy is taking hold. INT. CENLA CONVENTION CENTER - MAIN STAGE - NIGHT Backstage doors swing wide open to reveal bright lights and a roaring crowd of 2,000 people. A bloody Octagon is in the middle of the floor and is now empty, as everyone prepares for the battle of the bands. A ramp from the stage extends into the partitioned crowd and down to the Octagon. Buck strides out to the stage triumphantly, and with no mask. Hamlet is pulled along by the dildo chain, wearing the gag ball. He is completely petrified. Brother Ranson runs out and grabs Hamlet. BROTHER RANSON Listen brother, its all love. They cant get enough of you! Hamlet looks around the convention center. He sees Red the radio DJ, Olivia and Wes in the front row, the skateboard kid, Cheryl from Brewzerz, a large group of S&M enthusiasts

95. holding up Erodicka signs, and even Larry from the Sports Emporium. Everyone is cheering him on. Buck serpentines to the mic. BUCK (to the crowd) Whats up, Cenla! The crowd erupts, and Hamlet realizes Brother Ranson is right. Hamlet gives in to the crowd and the ecstasy coursing through his blood. He mans the keyboard, boots up his laptop, and turns on the drum machine. The stage setup is their most elaborate yet: Giant black ERODICKA backdrop, complete with penis, larger versions of previous stage props, a goat chained to the stage surrounded by microphones, and a caged vampire bat. Hamlet dials in a beat on the drum machine and a GERMAN VOICE booms over the PA. GERMAN VOICE (V.O.) (cackling) E-Ro-Dick-A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha BUCK (to the crowd) Were about to do one for you we like to call... The pulsating beat builds as Hamlet begins jumping around maniacally, fists in the air. The max capacity crowd begins to imitate. BUCK (strums his guitar) March of the Sheeple! The crowd moves up and down with the music. Hamlet suddenly leaves his post and takes center stage next to Buck. Hamlet is dancing his ass off and the people love it. Buck is confused but retains composure. BUCK (to the crowd) Let me hear you out there, Cenla! Applause, and the music continues while Hamlet jumps around, grinding his teeth. He begins rubbing Bucks face. Buck plays along but brushes Hamlet off. BUCK (to Hamlet, away from mic) Whats wrong with you? Knock it off.

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(to crowd) I said, I cant hearHamlet tackles Buck to the floor as the hissing sound of an out of tune guitar rings throughout the convention center. The industrial beat becomes more intense. Brother Ranson and Red are jumping up and down in front of the stage, loving it. Ranson is swinging his long chain over his head. BROTHER RANSON (screaming) This is the trippiest shit Ive ever seen! Hamlet and Buck continue to roll around on the floor as the music plays and the out-of-tune guitar hums over the PA. The crowd grows restless and begins to boo. Hamlet jumps to his feet and throws himself into his own setup, crashing all his gear to the floor. Brother Ranson rushes the stage and takes the mic as security guards, led by Greg The Bouncer, run toward them. BROTHER RANSON (to the crowd) March of the Sheeple, bitches! Buck coldcocks Greg The Bouncer, but gets tackled by the next two security guards. Hamlet runs to the vampire bat cage and releases it into the crowd. The vampire bat causes an audible gasp as it whizzes through the crowd. It is absolute mayhem. Hamlet falls down in the fetal position, sucking his thumb. BROTHER RANSON (to the crowd) Listen up, sluts. Backstage rock star after-party immediately followingThe mics are cut as more security guards rush the stage and and take down Brother Ranson. Wes moves in for the rescue and takes out another security guard, but the boys are quickly outnumbered. Hamlet is too fried to process what is happening. Buck continues to curse and spit as he, Brother Ranson, and Wes are being carried off in handcuffs. As theyre dragged past him, Hamlet, still in the fetal position, looks toward his friends, wide-eyed and grinding his teeth.

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HAMLET Did we win? I thought it went OK. Did you guys think it went OK? The crowd is in disarray as the vampire bat continues to whiz by overhead. Hamlet remains on the ground in fetal position until A giant American flag curtain falls over the stage and the opening notes of the Star Spangled Banner are played by electric guitar and snare drum. Nobody knows where its coming from. Everyone diverts their attention to the song and the curtain, hands over hearts. Slowly, the curtain rises, revealing DJ Fon-X (guitar) and Serial Thrilla (drums) in Uncle Sam costumes. They walk reverently from the stage, down the ramp, continuing a very earnest rock version of the Anthem. As the song nears its end, a huge red, white, and blue DJ booth rises from the middle of the ramp in front of Free Porn. While Fon-X finishes his rock guitar anthem, Serial Thrilla puts down his drum and cues up a pounding bass track that dovetails perfectly with Fon-Xs last guitar note. As the music transitions entirely to techno MR. SANTIAGO (O.S.) Viva la trance! Uproarious applause. Mr. Santiago, dressed in a tuxedo, stands in the middle of the Octagon holding a microphone. MR. SANTIAGO And ... God Bless America!!! On the screen: an image of the twin towers burning to the ground. A bald eagle screeches as it soars through the flames. The words "9-11 NEVER FORGET" flash across the screen, followed by "FREE PORN." The entire crowd loses its collective shit. Grown men are crying, women hug each other, and the throngs push to get closer to the DJ booth where Free Porns set is off to a hell of a start. FADE OUT FADE IN

98. EXT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT Olivias car enters the Brewzerz parking lot, which is modestly occupied with cars and a few motorcycles. A portable road-side sign reads: SATURDAY NIGHT, JOSHUA HAMLET, 9PM. The car stops at the front door, and Hamlet hops out of the passenger side carrying a keyboard and backpack. Hes wearing a heavy coat and his hair is longer. Fog forms on his breath as he hurries to get inside, away from the cold. INT. BREWZERZ - NIGHT As Hamlet enters, Brother Ranson is checking IDs at the door in a snug-fitting black SECURITY shirt. BROTHER RANSON Ham-star! You staying warm, brother? Its so cold out there my bird looks like a piece of bubble gum stuck in an afro. Hamlet laughs and pats Brother Ranson on the back as he passes. Brewzerz is much the same, but theres a better crowd tonight, skewing younger and somewhat hipper than biker night. Not comparable to the draw Erodicka enjoyed toward the end, but an improvement from the old Happy Hour gigs. Wes is busy serving drinks behind the bar, but takes the time to shadowbox at Hamlet from across the room. Near the stage, Hamlet stops and eyes a pocket knife carving in the wall: EroDICKa 4-LIFE. A few seconds pass. His nostalgia is interrupted by MANS VOICE (O.S.) Hey man. Excuse me. A hand politely taps Hamlet on the shoulder. He turns to see a young HIPSTER dressed in fedora, thick-framed glasses, scarf, V-neck T-shirt, and skinny jeans. Hamlet cracks a smile and chuckles to himself at the teens appearance. HAMLET Whats up, man? HIPSTER Didnt you play in that Goth rock band with that other dude? Big, bowed-up guy?

99. Hamlet cringes at Goth rock, but doesnt bother correcting the kid. HAMLET Yeah, that was me. The band was called Erodicka. HIPSTER So what ever happened? You guys still play some shows or what? HAMLET Well, me and the other guy had some creative differences, so we decided to part ways. Hes doing his own thing now. HIPSTER Damn, dude. Do you guys talk anymore? HAMLET (pauses) No. Not really. Hamlet turns and steps up onto the stage. The hipster follows. HIPSTER Thats a shame, man. I think you guys were just victims of geography. The message you were trying to send was way over the heads of these dumb rednecks, but we got it, man. Hamlet thanks the hipster and sets up. Its a stripped down affair these days. No props, just keyboard, laptop, and drum machine. Hamlet takes off his coat to reveal: A colorful GameHaven polo. He throws the coat behind the stage and he settles in to his stool by the keyboard. He dials in a slow, synth-waltz, similar to what we heard him play alone in his bedroom singing to the Dolby shrine. This is considerably different from Erodicka. He scans the crowd: theres Ranson, and theres Wes, and theres Olivia. Shes beautiful, and shes smiling at him. He smiles back and leans into the microphone. The nametag on his GameHaven polo reads: JOSHUA H.

100.

HAMLET Hello, Brewzerz! FADE OUT A beat passes. In the dark silence, a rock-and-roll drum beat rises: Boom. Ssst. Boom-ssst. Boom. Ssst. Boom-ssst. The bass joins as the intro builds. FADE IN An embroidered nametag, Army green in black stitch: OWENS. And the unmistakable guitar of the Guns N Roses anthem Paradise City kicks in. INT. MILITARY BAR - NIGHT Buck, in US Army fatigues, prances on the karaoke stage like Freddie Mercury as the song hits its opening stride. He works the crowd of his Army cohorts as he sings. BUCK (singing) Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty... He is loved. THE END