What is Self-Talk?

Self-talk is what we say to ourselves in response to any given situation. Mood and feelings arise from what we say to ourselves, our self-talk. What this means is that you have the power to alter your mood by altering your attitude or perspective. For example, lets say you get stuck in a traffic jam. Some responses to this situation might be to say, Why does this always happen to me, Whats wrong with these people?, Why didnt I turn off earlier?, I cant stand this. This type of response might result in an angry or anxious mood. Alternative responses might be, Oh, great, now I have some time to listen to that podcast or book on CD, Now I can take some time to practice my deep breathing and decompress from the day, or Now we can take some time to talk with one another (if a car with someone else). This type of response might result in a calm mood.

Negative self-talk arises from many different types of cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are distorted or irrational beliefs, but they easily sound like the truth. They are automatic and so much so that you might not even notice when negative self-talk occurs much less the effect it has on your mood or feelings. If you find yourself often feeling anxious or depressed, try paying attention to your negative self-talk. Read the list of cognitive distortions below and see if you can identify which category your self-talk often falls under.

Cognitive Distortions:
1. Assuming: In the circumstances, we assume the worst without testing the evidence. For instance, instead of assuming one is angry with you, ask them. Assuming self-talk would also be when you tell yourself, I know I wont enjoy myself, or I know Ill do a lousy job even though Im prepared. More reasonable self-talk would be, I might or might not enjoy myself (do a good job, etc.). Im willing to experiment and see what happens. 2. Shoulds (Musts/Oughts): Shoulds (musts/oughts) are demands we make of ourselves. For example, I must not make mistakes; I should have known better, or I should be happy and never depressed or tired. We think that we motivate ourselves with such statements. Usually, however, we just feel worse (e.g., since I should be so and so, and Im not that way, I then feel inadequate, frustrated, ashamed, and hopeless). Perhaps one of the only reasonable should is that humans should be fallible, just as we are, given our background, our imperfect understanding, and our present skill levels. If we really knew better (i.e., if we clearly understood the advantages of certain behaviors, and were perfectly capable of behaving that way), then we would be better. One solution then is to replace should with woulds or coulds (it would be nice if I did that. I wonder how I could do that). Or replace should with want tos (I want to do that because it is to my advantage, not because someone is telling me I should or must.) 3. The Fairy-Tale Fantasy: the fairy-tale fantasy means demanding the ideal from life. Thats not fair! or why did that have to happen? often means The world shouldnt be the way it is. In reality, bad and unfair things happen to good people sometimes randomly, sometimes because of the unreasonableness of others, and sometimes because of our own imperfections. To expect that the world be different is to invite disappointment. To expect that others treat us fairly, when they often have their own ideas about what is fair, is also to invite disappointment. Again, a would or a could is a wise substitute for a should (e.g., It would be nice if things were ideal, but theyre not. Too bad. Now, I wonder what I could do to improve things.)

4. All or Nothing Thinking: With all or nothing thinking you hold yourself to the impossible standard of perfection When you fall short of this standard, you conclude that you are a failure as a person. For example, If Im not the best, Im a flop; If Im not performing perfectly, Im a loser; If I score below 90%, I am a failure This is unreasonable because such absolute, black and white extremes rarely exist. Even if it were possible to perform perfectly, performing below some standard usually means weve performed at 80% or 35% rarely at 0%. And poor performance never makes a complex person worthless, just fallible. 5. Overgeneralizing: Overgeneralizing is deciding that negative experiences describe your life completely. For example, I always ruin everything; I always get rejected in love; No one likes me; everybody hates me; I never do well at math. Such global statements are unkind, depressing, and usually inaccurate to some degree. The antidote is to use more precise language: Some of my skills are not yet well developed; Im not as tactful in some social situations as Id like; Sometimes people dont approve of me (sometimes some people do); Although some aspects of my life havent gone well, that doesnt mean I never do reasonably well. Be a healthy optimist: expect to find small ways to improve situations and notice whats going well. 6. Labeling: Here you give yourself a label, or name, as though a single word describes a person completely. For example: Im such a loser; Im stupid; Im dumb; Im boring. To say, I am stupid means I always, in every way, am stupid. In fact, some people who behave quite stupidly at times also behave quite intelligently at other times. Because humans are too complex for simple labels, confine labels to behaviors (e.g., That was a silly thing to do.), or ask, Am I always stupid? Sometimes, perhaps, but not always. 7. Dwelling on the Negative: Suppose you go to a party and notice that a guest has dog poop on his shoe. The more you think about it, the more uncomfortable you get. In this distortion, you focus in on the negative aspects of a situation, while ignoring the positive aspects. Soon the whole situation looks negative. Other examples: How can I feel good about the day when I was criticized?; How can I enjoy life when my children have problems?; How can I feel good about myself when I make mistakes?; The steak is burnt-the meal is ruined! A solution to this habit is to re-examine your options: Would I enjoy things more (and feel better about myself) if I chose a different focus?; What pleasing things could I still find to enjoy?; What would I think on a good day?; How would someone with sound self-esteem view this situation? 8. Rejecting the Positive: Dwelling on the negative overlooks positive aspects. Here we actually negate positives so that our self-esteem remains low. For example, someone compliments your work. You reply, Oh, it was really nothing. Anyone could do that. You discount the fact that youve worked long and effectively. No wonder accomplishments arent fun. You could just as easily have replied, Thanks (and tell yourself, I do deserve special credit for doing this difficult and boring task). You would give a loved one or friend credit where its due. Why not do yourself the same favor? 9. Unfavorable Comparisons: Suppose you had an unusual magnifying glass that magnified some things (like your faults and mistakes, or the strengths of others) and shrunk others (like your strengths, and the mistakes of others). In comparison to others, you would always seem inadequate or inferior-always coming out on the short end of the stick. For example, if you think to yourself: Im only a housewife and mother (minimizing your strengths). Jans a rich, bright lawyer (magnifying anothers strengths). Your friend replies: But youre an excellent homemaker. Youve been great with your kids. Jans an alcoholic. To which you respond: Yes, but (minimizing anothers faults and your accomplishments) look at the cases shes won! Shes the one who really contributes! (Magnifying anothers strengths).

A way to challenge this distortion is to ask, Why must I compare? Why cant I just appreciate that each person has unique strengths and weaknesses? Anothers contributions are not necessarily better, just different. 10. Catastrophizing: When you believe that something is a catastrophe, you tell yourself that it is so horrible and awful that I cant stand it! in telling ourselves this, we convince ourselves that we are too feeble to cope with life. For example, I couldnt stand it if he were to leave me. It would be awful! although many things are unpleasant, inconvenient, and difficult, we can really stand anything short of being steamrolled to death. So one might think, I dont like this, but I certainly can stand it. Asking the following questions will challenge the belief that something will be a catastrophe: 1. What are the odds of this happening? 2. If it does happen, how likely is it to do me in? 3. If the worst happens, what will I do? (Anticipating a problem and formulating an action plan increases ones sense of confidence.) 4. One hundred years from now, will anyone care about this? 11. Personalizing: Personalizing is seeing yourself as more involved in negative events then you really are. For example, a student drops out of college and the mother concludes, Its all my fault. A husband takes full responsibility for his spouses fatigue or anger, or for a divorce. Here the ego is so involved that each event becomes a test of worth. There are two helpful antidotes to this distortion: 1. Distinguish influences from causes. Sometimes we can influence others decision, but the final decision is theirs, not ours. 2. Look realistically for other influences outside of ourselves. For example, instead of thinking, Whats wrong with me? Why cant I do this? one might say, This is a difficult task. The help I need isnt here, its noisy, and Im tired. Instead of thinking, Why is he snapping at me? one might say, Maybe Im not the central character. Maybe hes mad at the world today. 12. Blaming: Blaming is the opposite of personalizing. Whereas personalizing puts all the responsibility on yourself for your difficulties, blaming puts it all on something outside of yourself. For example: 1. He makes me so mad! 2. She has ruined my life and my self-esteem. 3. I am a loser because of my crummy childhood. The problem with blaming, much like catastrophizing, is that it tends to make us think of ourselves as helpless victims who are too powerless to cope. The antidote to blaming is to acknowledge outside influences, but to take responsibility for your own welfare: Yes, his behavior was unjust and unfair, but I dont have to turn bitter and cynical. I am better than that. Notice that the person with self-esteem is free to assume realistic responsibility. He will acknowledge what is his responsibility and what is not. However, when one takes responsibility, it is for a behavior or a choice, not for being bad to the core. Thus, one might say, I performed poorly on that exam because I did not study enough. Next time Ill plan better. There is no judging the core self here, only behaviors. 13. Making Feelings Facts: Making feelings facts is taking ones feelings as proof of the way things really are. For example: 1. I feel like such a loser. I must be hopeless.

2. I feel ashamed and bad. I must be bad. 3. I feel inadequate. I must be inadequate. 4. I feel worthless. I must be worthless. Remember that feelings result from our thoughts. If our thoughts are distorted (as they often are when were stressed or depressed), then our feelings may not reflect reality. So question your feelings. Ask, What would someone who is 100% inadequate (or bad, guilty, hopeless, etc.) be like? Am I really like that? this challenges the tendencies of labeling or all or nothing thinking. Remind yourself that feelings are not facts. When our thoughts become more reasonable, our feelings become brighter.

EXERCISE:
1. Make a conscious effort to pay attention and catch your negative self-talk. It might be easier to identify when your mood changes and backtrack to find out what event preceeded your mood and what type of thoughts may have occurred in reaction to that event or situaiton. 2. Identify which type of distortion your negative self-talk falls under, challenge its logic and replace the thought(s) with thoughts that more closely align with reality. Since negative self-talk is so automatic and ingrained into your thinking, its not enough to just think of challenging statements. You must actually write down alternative statements and practice them (out loud is great!). When trying to counter your negative self-talk, ask yourself: 1. What is the evidence for this? 2. Is this ALWAYS true? 3. Has this been true in the past? 3. Example: Negative Self-Talk: I have to receive my parents acceptance and approval or Ill be devastated. Cognitive Distortion: Catastrophizing Questioning: Am I being totally objective? Is it actually true that my parents approval is necessary for my wellbeing? Whats the worst that could happen? (I could still survive and have people who care for and support me even without my parents approval). Counterstatement: Im willing to go forward with my life and try to better myself regardless of what my parents think.

So How do You Change from Negative to Positive Self Talk?

Changing from negative to positive self talk is more than just reworking your words. It requires acknowledgement that you are even engaging in self talk, adjusting our beliefs and then reshaping the way we talk to ourselves. Step 1. You must first determine when you are engaging in self talk. You can do this many ways, but here are a few that might help. Slow down your day and pay attention to what you say to yourself. We tend to be so busy that we dont have the time to listen to what we are doing and watch how it affects us. When we slow down to allow ourselves space to observe we can often move forward faster in the future because we know what is driving us. This is especially important when working on a big decision or area in your life. For example when doing your monthly budget take the time to notice what you are telling yourself as you do the budget. If you write down a savings goal of $1,000 and you immediately say yah right stop and write that down so you know that you are jeopardizing that possibility. Monitor your bodys reaction to different situations. Tensing up may be an indication that you are telling yourself something different than you are acting on. Journal, this is good for after the event has happened. Get on to paper what was going through your head as you encountered a particular situation. For example, perhaps you did not honor your own boundary during an encounter with your mother. Begin a journal page on analyzing what you were saying to yourself while you were allowing this to happen. It can also be done in conjunction with the above two discovery ideas to get to the core of what the self talk was. Step 2. Once we determine what our self talk is saying we need to adjust the beliefs behind the statement. We cannot believe our new positive statements if we have not changed the underlying belief or beliefs. This will involve digging deep into our beliefs, how they came about, how they are affecting us and are they really true. Finally reshaping the belief to fit our reality today. So for our example of your parents telling you that you are shy, you need to acknowledge that they came from childhood, grasp the full scope of how they are affecting us and then make a determination for ourselves on whether shy is bad or not. Shy may for you be good because otherwise you have a tendency to jump into situations too quickly. Then we need to reshape that belief to shy is a good slow down mechanism for us.

Many beliefs we may not even realize that we have, or may even come in layers of beliefs. There are some different tools that we can use to fully understand what is behind the negative talk. Journal a great way to allow ourselves the ability to explore deeper than we would just talking. Talk to a coach or counselor often times it helps to see the situation from anothers perspective. Meditate guided meditation is especially good for uncovering the belief behind the statement and to find hidden beliefs. Step 3. After you know what you are saying and why you are saying that, you can begin to reshape the way you talk to yourself.

Begin with one of your statements and alter it to a positive statement. I am fat may become I love and care about my body.

Make it a habit of saying the new statement repeatedly with enthusiasm and conviction. In the beginning it may require setting aside time to let that statement sink in. When you catch yourself saying a negative statement, stop and ask yourself if you would talk to a friend or loved one like that? Many times we are meaner to ourselves than we would ever dream of being to a friend. Then rephrase the statement to a positive one. While adjusting our self talk, you may need to return to the previous steps to continue to work on changing the beliefs that are behind the talk and discovering new negative talks to work on. Eventually you will surround yourself with positive thoughts and that will create an environment that will allow you to live your best possible life.