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The Talmud relates (Yevamot 63b) that it was customary in ancient Israel to ask a newly wed groom "Have you found or do you find?" The question refers to an apparent contradiction between two statements of King Solomon, the wisest of men. In the book of Proverbs (18:22) he declares "He who has found a woman has found good." Yet in the book of Ecclesiastes (7:26) he states "And I find woman bitterer than death." Although these two verses seem to convey conflicting images of woman, if we examine them closely we can detect some subtle grammatical differences that will explain the apparent discrepancy. To begin with, the verb in the former verse is in the past tense--"he who has found a woman," whereas in the latter it is in the present tense--"and I find woman." According to our tradition (Zohar 343b), the souls of the truly matched couple derive from a common soul-essence. For this reason, the two are destined even before birth to unite in matrimony. The use of the past tense in affirming the good to be found in marriage suggests that--both in the process of seeking a wife and in relating to the woman he has married--a man should strive to discover and focus on this deep-rooted, shared mutual identification. Should he ignore this instruction and focus instead on the transient gratification of his immediate desires and predilections--as implied by the present tense employed in the second verse--the relationship will inevitably prove to be a bitter one. This is further alluded to by the fact that in the first verse the verb ("he who has found") is followed directly by its object ("a woman"), implying that what the husband has sought and found is indeed his wife. His mind and heart focus on her, and his conscious concern is to meet her needs and the needs of his family, as opposed to his own. This is the foundation of a happy married life. In the second verse, however (which in the original literally reads "and find I bitterer than death the woman"), the subject ("I") is interposed between the verb ("find") and its object ("woman"), thereby implying that the man is really more concerned with finding himself--i.e., with his own self-gratification. Thus, selflessness is the key to "finding" and relating to one's wife at the level of their common soul-root. The egocentric husband will be unable to achieve a genuine, mutual relationship with his wife that will sweeten with time rather than grow bitter. Although in such a case the husband is apt to feel that his wife has become "bitterer than death," it is in fact his own interposed "I" (which he projects on her) that has become so. This is indicated by the fact that the phrase "bitterer than death" directly follows the word "I," even before the mention of "the woman." Let us look at these verses again. The first verse reads in full "He who has found a woman has found good, and will elicit [good] will from G-d." The second verse reads in full "And I find woman bitterer than death, for her heart is snares and nets, and her hands are fetters. He who is good before G-d will flee from her, but he who sins shall be caught by her." In other words, just as King Solomon calls the positive relationship between husband and wife
Cultivating Selflessness
In order for selflessness to be complete, it must be cultivated in all three areas of human interaction: with respect to G-d, with respect to others (one's marital relationship being the most personal and intense form of this), and with respect to oneself. With respect to G-d, selflessness means humble submission to His will; with respect to one's spouse, it means finding in one's spouse one's predestined soul mate (bashert) and relating to him/her on this level; with respect to oneself, it means refining one's character. Our normative consciousness, according to Kabbalah and Chassidut, is only a small part of our soul's consciousness, which comprises additional levels and modes of consciousness of which we are not generally aware. These additional levels are said to "surround" us, since it is not normally within our power to focus on them. In contrast, our regular consciousness is said to be "within" us, meaning that we are able to access and control it to a great degree. The surrounding levels are said to be "higher" or more "distant," since they are generally beyond our grasp, while the inner levels are said to be "lower" or "closer" to our ken. In general, the three aspects of spiritual effort required to cultivate true selflessness engage the three major divisions of consciousness: the "distant surrounding consciousness," the "close surrounding consciousness," and the "inner consciousness." sphere of rectification level of consciousness devotion to G-d's will distant surrounding recognizing one's soul mate close surrounding refining one's character inner In particular, we are taught that the soul comprises five levels of consciousness, two "surrounding" and three "within." These, in descending order, are: level of consciousness level of the soul Hebrew name translation distant surrounding
To the extent that the couple becomes absorbed in their true reality as a part of G-d, their sense of independent selfhood disappears. They no longer possess feelings and emotions directed toward one another, but have rather "become" one another. At this level, one can not only rectify or expand one's emotional makeup but actually change it. Once a person surrenders his selfhood to the infinity of G-d's reality, he can transform himself into a purer, higher version of himself.
Mirror Psychology
The surest way to gauge one's success in the process of self-refinement is to observe his spouse's behavior toward him. Both consciously and unconsciously, she senses the purity of his motives and responds accordingly, both intentionally and instinctively. In a larger sense, this is true of all inter-personal relationships. "As [when looking in] water, face reflects face, so does one's heart find reflection in another's" (Proverbs 27:19)." Thus, in accordance with the nature and extent of one's involvement with other people, one may gauge one's selfrefinement by the way one is treated. Since marriage is the most intense form of inter-personal relationship, this principle applies first and foremost to married life. It is here that one will confront most strikingly his successes and failures in self-refinement, mirrored in his spouse's behavior toward him. In general, this reciprocal attitude between spouses is on one of three levels, in accord with the stages of rectification of the imagination. If the husband is still laboring under false, self-centered notions of love and romance, his behavior will certainly reflect this, and his wife will naturally resent his egocentricity and pit herself against him. Their relationship--that of two unrelating individuals occupying separate, colliding "spaces"-will be characterized by frequent and painful friction. Alienated from a husband whom she senses does not have her best interests at heart, she will disconnect from him as well and shirk her wifely obligations. Once the husband extricates himself from his unrectified imagination, he can begin to work on himself. He gradually begins to redirect his intentions toward fulfilling G-d's will in all avenues of life (and in particular in his marriage), sense his and his wife's common soul-root, and refine his character. Even though he has not yet completed this process, his wife will sense his genuine effort and respond by striving to help and support him. Nonetheless, until the process is complete, she will maintain a separate sense of self. The two will view their marriage as a mutually beneficial relationship wherein each is happy and ready to give, yet expects to receive in return. If the husband succeeds in all the above areas--purifying his intentions so that his sole motivation is to do G-d's will, attuning himself to his and his wife's common soul-root, and refining his character, always placing the needs of others before his own--the couple's consciousnesses will merge. His absolute devotion to her will inspire her to devote herself commensurately to him: "as [when looking in] water, face reflects face, so does one's heart find reflection in another's" (Proverbs 27:19). She will feel an indivisible part of him, and all her deeds will reflect total devotion to him.
Indignant Estrangement
The third and lowest degree of relationship--when the wife is pitted against her husband-corresponds to that between the rasha (wicked person) and G-d. Intentional rebellion against G-d is usually the result of the rasha's existential frustration over his inability to cope with life's trials and tribulations and/or the multitude of obligations expected of him by the Torah. Whether fully conscious of it or not, the rasha's soul, imprisoned by the forces of evil (and not knowing how to distinguish between them and Divine providence), rails against G-d in anguish: "Why have you made my life so miserable?" The rasha's complaints may appear legitimate: at times, it may seem that G-d has unjustly abandoned His creation. The rasha is thus reacting as any wife would when faced with a cruel or disinterested husband--by rebelling. The rapprochement of the rasha with G-d (his teshuvah) can begin in either of two ways:] The rasha can choose to recognize that he has only himself to blame for G-d's apparent distance. G-d always desires to reveal Himself by showering His creatures with good but is "prevented" from doing so by the collective sins of the generation and those of particular individuals, including, of course, the rasha himself. Once he realizes this, the penitent rasha can forgive G-d for the trauma and disappointment he has experienced and resolve to stop hindering the revelation of G-dliness in the world by his rebellious attitude and deeds. Or G-d may take the initiative, expressing His own "repentance" of "wrongdoings" toward the rasha (and the world in general), and making, as it were, a serious effort to court His spouse anew. He restores His spiritual or material beneficence. This demonstration of Divine grace brings the rasha to realize that G-d's behavior toward him--past, present and future--has always been for his best interest. Here, too, he can forgive G-d and resolve to serve Him again. In either case, the rasha becomes totally transformed. No longer angry, bitter, or self-absorbed, his sole aspiration is now that G-d bestow His blessings openly on all people, and so he commits himself to work unceasingly toward that end. The ultimate focus of his life becomes the final Redemption, for only then will G-d's abundant kindness be revealed for all to see. G-d--as a loving husband in response to the gestures of his once-estranged wife--will then reciprocate by forgiving the rasha his past sins. The rasha's memory of his former attitude and behavior inspire him to remedy his (and the world's) situation with a forcefulness of spirit and love for G-d greater than that of one who had never sinned. On this account, G-d not only erases the negative effects of the former rasha's past sins but even counts them as merits ( Yoma 86b; Bava Metzia 33b), by virtue of their having propelled the rasha to take the action necessary to remedy his, and the world's, situation. Thus, despite a problematic disposition or dark personal history, a rasha can aspire toward a sublimer and more rewarding "second nature."
Humility
The Basis of Humility
The key to improving one's character, and in particular to reducing one's tendency to get angry and irritated, is the recognition of one's own existential lowliness. To be sure, the basis of all Divine service is the recognition of one's own self-worth. Every Jew possesses a unique Divine soul, complete with a full array of the most sublime and noble capacities of intellect and emotion, and this fact itself endows him with inestimable potential and worth. However, greatness carries with it expectations, and thus the very awareness of our own great worth paradoxically makes us painfully aware of how dismally we have betrayed it. In fact, the more one becomes attuned to and appreciates the exaltedness of his Divine soul, the more his own self-estimation plummets when measured against the record of his faithfulness to it. King David epitomized this humility. When chastised by his wife Michal for seeming to demean the office of the king by publicly dancing before the ark of the covenant, he said, "I am [and shall always remain] lowly in my own eyes" (Samuel 2 6:22). One's essential shame before G-d is that the vast majority of his thoughts and sensations in life are void of Divine consciousness. Jewish faith affirms that "there is no space void of Him" (Tikunei Zohar 57 [91b]), "space" meaning not only physical space, but psychological "space" as well (See Sod Hashem Lireiav, ch. 3). Every thought and sensation occupies "space" in one's consciousness. It is our purpose on earth to fill all such "space" with the awareness of G-d's omnipresence. When we fail to do this, we stand before G-d as a vessel empty of G-dliness, and thereby full of shame, for just as nature abhors a vacuum, the mind cannot remain empty. If it is not filled with holy thoughts, it will by default be filled with unholy ones. On the verse "And the pit was empty, void of water" (Genesis 37:24), our sages comment(Shabbat 22a): "being void of water, it was filled with snakes and scorpions."
Infinite Patience
Rectifying Oneself and Rectifying Others
It is indeed a great achievement to reach the genuineness to be able to discuss one's shortcomings frankly with his partner. But one must still take care to apply this objectivity only to his own lackings and problems, enlisting his partner's aid and support in rectifying them through prayer and self-refinement. With regard to judging (or condemning) the apparent shortcomings and misdeeds of an other, our sages have said, "Do not judge your fellow until you have reached his place" (Avot 2:4). Chassidut explains that since one can never really reach an other's "place," never fully understand the motivations (the "why," whether conscious or unconscious) behind his behavior, he is unable to judge him (Sefat Emet). Nonetheless, "until you have reached his place" implies that one should try to understand his fellow as best he can, to draw himself as close to his fellow's "place" as possible. Drawing oneself close to an other means relating to him (both intellectually and emotionally) with greater and deeper expression of love. As one comes closer to his fellow, his perspective towards him begins to change. He begins to see him in a more favorable light, and even to recognize that the apparent blemishes he had observed in him are actually reflections of identical, though less apparent, blemishes in himself. He is now able to fulfill the complementary dictum of our sages: (Avot 1:6) "Judge all men favorably," and to apply the teaching of the Ba'al Shem Tov on the verse "You shall surely rebuke [literally: ?rebuke you shall rebuke'] your fellow": first one must rebuke himself (with regard to the same fault he sees in his fellow), and only then is he able to constructively rebuke his fellow. This teaching of the Ba'al Shem Tov follows and lends additional insight to the advice given by Reish Lakish: (Bava Batra 60b) "First rectify yourself, and then rectify others." The word used here for "rectify" (keshot) literally means "adorn." As "adorning" alludes to relationship of husband and wife, we infer that the general teaching "First rectify yourself and then rectify others" most specially applies to the two partners of marriage.
Infinite Patience
Before G-d created Eve for Adam, He said (Genesis 2:19): I will make for him a helpmate opposite him Rashi explains: "If he merits, she is a helpmate. If he does not merit, she opposes him--to do battle." From Rashi's words it would seem that the highest level of married life is when the wife acts solely as a "helpmate." Are our expectations from married life summed up as the search for help? Relationships which are founded only on mutual assistance are not truly selfless giving but are really an expression of the attitude of the social contract. I am one entity, you are another entity, but since we have decided to live together, we arrange an agreement of helping each other and division of responsibilities and rights. This relationship is certainly required by a couple living together, for the Torah requires us to protect marriage with the ketuba, a contract for decent cooperation, but is this the only possible relationship? There is indeed a lower level relationship than "helpmate," that is the level of "opposite him." This is when something in the mutual agreement is failing. One of the partners feels deprived and cheated because of the non-fulfillment of the (conscious or unconscious) contract. He then goes out to battle his mate. In truth, there is a level higher than both these levels to be one and not two separate beings. After the creation of Eve and her marriage to Adam, the Torah states (ibid. 2:24): And he shall cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh This is the true goal of the marital relationship. Our being "together" is not a constraint requiring a contract to safeguard our rights, but it is the perfect, ideal state. On this level, each one of the couple loses his or her separate and independent identity, and turns into a mate ready for complete sacrifice of self for the sake of his beloved. This perfect state of relationship is alluded to in the above cited verse by the word "for him" ( lo), which conveys the sense of complete self-sacrifice and devotion to one?s spouse. And so have our sages taught (BT Ketuboth 67b): "For him"--this is [i.e., refers to] woman In summary, there are three conditions of married life: "for him" devotion "helpmate" contract "opposite him" confrontation
Meriting Children
The tzadik (the righteous one, the ideal spiritual level of every Jewish soul), in his unconditional devotion to serve and become one with G-d here and now, possesses no intention of receiving the reward of the World to Come (man's own [as a separate entity, as it were, from G-d] ultimate good). Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi used to say, "I desire not Your higher Garden of Eden; I desire not Your lower Garden of Eden; I desire only You and You alone" [See HaYom Yom, 19 Kislev]. In one of his Chassidic discourses [Ma'amarei Admor HaZaken, HaKetzarim, p. 461], he explains, seemingly paradoxically, that meriting children (both physical and spiritual) depends upon one's unconditional devotion to, with no other intention but becoming one with, one's spouse (on the spiritual plane--Jew to G-d), thus implying that children are in fact the true and ultimate realization and embodiment of marital love and devotion: A way to merit children, and the meaning of bearing a son and daughter. "Son" and "daughter" refer to [the two primary emotions of] love and fear [of G-d]. The story is told in the Midrash of a Jewish woman who was married for many years to her husband, but had not had children. He decided to divorce her, so he went to Rabbi Shimeon bar Yochai, of blessed memory, and the rabbi told him that just as they celebrated with joy their mutual bond when they got married, so should the severance of their mutual bond be celebrated in joy. The husband therefore prepared a great feast, at the height of which he called his wife and asked her in his joy to chose whatever she desired of his possessions to be hers, and said that he would not refuse her anything. What did she do? She served him so much wine that he got drunk and fell asleep on his bed. She then told her servant to take him on his bed into her bedroom. The following morning, when he awoke and found himself in his wife's home, he asked her why he was brought there--wasn't it clear that he intended to divorce her? She replied, "Didn't you tell me that I could take whatever I wanted? I desire not gold, nor silver, nor precious gems, nor pearls. All I want is you. You yourself are the sole object of my desire." When the husband heard this, he became once again enamoured of his wife, and took her back as before. And in this merit, the Holy One, blessed be He, granted them children. So it is with regard to [the service of G-d]. As it is stated [in the Song of Songs 8:2]: "I will serve you aromatic wine, the fragrance of my pomegranates"--this refers to the fact that the least worthy of Israel is full of mitzvot as a pomegranate is of seeds. [The bride, Israel, serving the groom, G-d, means arousing Him] to descend [and dwell] amongst us, for [as it is said in Psalms 73:25,] "Who have I in heaven, and I desire nothing in addition to You on earth." Meaning: I have no desire for any good thing or delight, neither in the higher Garden of Eden, nor in the lower Garden of Eden, I desire nothing but You alone. In this merit, one will "bear" spiritual "progeny"--a son and a daughter, i.e., love and fear, as explained above. And also on the physical plane, "he will see [i.e., have] offspring and [merit] long life" [Isaiah 53:10].