PARIS FOR a period of my life, from my 27th to my 39th years, I slept alone: I ha d no sex. I wasnt unhappy. Or frustrated.

. In fact, I found no sex preferable to d isappointing sex. Just before giving up, I had a boyfriend. He often said that we were happy sexua lly, but frankly he was blind to my unhappiness. So that winter, I went skiing w ithout him. Alone in all that sun and snow, absorbing energy from the sky and mountains, I l et my body breathe quietly. The freedom and whiteness of the snow and mountains produced a kind of ecstasy. And the special pleasure I found skiing in this para dise made me think about the possibilities of my body, my sensuality. And I aske d myself, Sophie, is your sexual life so very stimulating, actually? And my answer was, No. I realized that even when I took pleasure, I was not ecstatic with my se xual life. In fact, I seemed to be going through the motions of lovemaking becau se, I thought, thats what everybody did. I decided to take a break, to recover a true desire. And what a break! Twelve years! It was so easy to stop. At the beginning, I kept the fact that I had given up sex a secret, and nobody a round me could guess how untouched I was. I knew perfectly well that people acce pt all kinds of sexual behaviors, just so long as you are doing something with y our body. Are you single, married, engaged, its complicated? Are you straight, gay, a lesbian ? All of these categories suggest sexual activity, which somehow reassures us. Y ou are doing something. But I dont think thats our true life and rhythm. We are not machines. Nothing is s o tidy about our sex lives. We are very alone in how we dream. We are not making love as easily as we boast we are. And when we are making love, it is not alway s enjoyable. We are liars, poor liars trying to mystify one another. Perhaps French people ar e especially big liars. At the very least, we are full of contradictions. If you visit Paris, you will notice that we are very thin, even if we are the country of bread and cheese. We are also very sexy, but maybe its only a show to save our reputation. By giving up sex, I abandoned all this pretense. During the 12 years I didnt have sex, I learned so much. About my body, the role of art in eroticism, the power of dreams, the softness of clothes, the refuge and the importance of elegance. T hat I can take more pleasure while watching Robert Redford shampooing Meryl Stre eps hair in Out of Africa than being in a bed with a man. Sometimes I took pleasure just by staring at mens necks. Sometimes, just by listening to a voice. It was l ibido, trust me. It was desire. But society doesnt recognize this kind of felicit y. Its too much! Ive learned that most people mainly want to prove that they are s exually functioning, and thats all. Strangely, people are ashamed to admit that t hey are alone in their beds, which I discovered is a huge pleasure. Even the pleasure you can give to yourself (everyone asked me about masturbation ) is a paradise. Alone, you are so completely free. Your imagination can sleep w ith who you want, even Cary Grant! He was one of my lovers, actually. As I wrote about my experiences, I thought a lot about privacy. I realized priva cy is not about what you are doing so much as about what you are not doing. Priv acy is that which you can hide which, in our modern society, is not much. Sexual

ity is completely on display. Around me, children know about their parents sexual ity; parents know about childrens sexuality. Where is the treasure of silence, of things not shown? Where is the mystery? Our openness is a good thing, for many reasons (of course!), but it has made indiscretion the norm. Everywhere, the que stion of Who are you? is answered with an explanation of sex. This is silly. Were m ore than that. Were poetry, we are floating creatures, sometimes happy sexually, and sometimes in a desert, even as we share our lives with someone. I believe that a desert is sometimes necessary. Sometimes, it is what your soul and your body need. A rest. To dream instead of do. And believe me, when the bod y really wants the skin of someone else, it knows perfectly how to behave. You w ill look into someones eyes, and nature will take over. No matter how old you are . No matter wrinkles, or norms. Finally, Ive met someone. Not a long story, but a very important one. Ive met a ma n who is not afraid of my long years of solitude and is perhaps heated and reass ured by my honesty and what he calls my exciting expectations. Who could ask for m ore? Sophie Fontanel is the author of the forthcoming book The Art of Sleeping Alone. --------------

Pars Por un perodo de mi vida, mi 27 a mis 39 aos, me acost sola: no me he acostado. No estaba triste. O frustrado. De hecho, no encontr sexo preferible decepcionant e sexo.Justo antes de renunciar, tuve un novio. A menudo me dijo que ramos felice s sexualmente, pero francamente, estaba ciego a mi infelicidad. As que ese invier no, fui a esquiar sin l.Solo en todo lo que sol y nieve, absorbiendo la energa del cielo y las montaas, dejo respirar tranquilamente a mi cuerpo. La libertad y la blancura de la nieve y montaas producen una especie de xtasis. Y el especial place r que encontr esquiar en este paraso, me hizo pensar en las posibilidades de mi cu erpo, mi sensualidad. Y me pregunt: "Sophie, es tu vida sexual tan muy estimulant e, en realidad?" Y mi respuesta fue, "no". Me di cuenta de que incluso cuando ll ev a placer, yo no estaba extasiado con mi vida sexual. De hecho, pareca estar pas ando por los movimientos de hacer el amor porque, pens, eso es lo que todos lo hi cieron. Decid tomar un descanso, para recuperar un cierto deseo.Y qu suerte! Doce ao s!Era tan fcil de detener.Al principio, me qued con el hecho de que me haba regalad o un secreto y nadie me podan adivinar cmo virgen era sexo. Saba perfectamente que la gente acepta todo tipo de comportamientos sexuales, mientras que haces algo c on tu cuerpo.Eres soltero, casado, comprometido, "es complicado"? Es tu derecho, g ay, lesbiana? Todas estas categoras sugieren actividad sexual, que de alguna mane ra nos tranquiliza. Est haciendo algo.Pero no creo que sea nuestra verdadera vida y ritmo. No somos mquinas. Nada es tan ordenado de nuestras vidas sexuales. Esta mos muy solos en lo que soamos. No estamos haciendo amor tan fcilmente como nos ja ctamos somos. Y cuando estamos haciendo el amor, no siempre es agradable.Somos m entirosos, mentirosos pobres tratando de mistificar uno al otro. Tal vez los fra nceses son especialmente grandes mentirosos. Al menos, estamos llenos de contrad icciones. Si usted visita a Pars, te dars cuenta que somos muy delgadas, incluso s i somos el pas de pan y queso. Tambin somos muy sexy, pero tal vez es slo un espectc ulo para salvar nuestra reputacin.Por dejar el sexo, abandon toda esta farsa. Dura nte los 12 aos que no tuve sexo, aprend mucho. Sobre mi cuerpo, el papel del arte en el erotismo, el poder de los sueos, la suavidad de la ropa, el refugio y la im portancia de la elegancia. Que puedo tomar ms placer mientras observa Robert Redf ord champ cabello de Streep en "Out of Africa" que estar en una cama con un hombr e. A veces tom placer slo por mirar fijamente al cuello de los hombres. A veces, s olo por escuchar una voz. Libido, confa en m. Fue un deseo. Pero la sociedad no re conoce este tipo de felicity. Es demasiado! He aprendido que la mayora de la gent e principalmente quiere demostrar que estn funcionando sexualmente, y eso es todo . Extraamente, la gente est avergonzada para admitir que estn solos en sus camas, q

ue he descubierto es un enorme placer.Incluso el placer que puede dar a ti mismo (todo el mundo me pregunt sobre masturbacin) es un paraso. Solo, eres totalmente l ibre. Tu imaginacin puede dormir con quien quieres, incluso Cary Grant! Uno de mi s amantes, era en realidad.Como he escrito sobre mi experiencia, he pensado much o sobre la privacidad. Me di cuenta de privacidad no es sobre lo que est haciendo tanto sobre lo que no haces. La privacidad es lo que puede ocultar que, en nues tra sociedad moderna, no es mucho. La sexualidad es completamente en la pantalla . A mi alrededor, los nios saben acerca de la sexualidad de sus padres; los padre s saben acerca de la sexualidad de los nios. Dnde est el tesoro del silencio, de cos as que no se muestran? Dnde est el misterio? Nuestra apertura es algo bueno, por mu chas razones ( por supuesto!), pero la norma ha hecho indiscrecin. En todas partes , la pregunta de "quin eres?" se responde con una explicacin del sexo. Esto es una tontera. Somos ms que eso. Poesa, estamos flotando criaturas, a veces felices sexu almente y a veces en un desierto, mientras compartimos nuestras vidas con alguie n.Creo que a veces es necesario un desierto. A veces, es lo que necesita tu cuer po y tu alma. Un descanso. A soar en lugar de hacer. Y creme, cuando el cuerpo qui ere la piel de otra persona, sabe perfectamente cmo se comportan. Miras a los ojo s de alguien, y la naturaleza se encargar. No importa lo viejo que eres. Sin impo rtar las arrugas o las normas.Finalmente, he conocido a alguien. No es una histo ria larga, pero muy importante. He conocido a un hombre que no tiene miedo de mi s largos aos de soledad y tal vez se calienta y tranquilizado por mi honestidad y lo que l llama mis "expectativas emocionantes". Quin podra pedir ms?Sophie Fontanel es el autor del prximo libro "El arte de dormir solo".