Everybody knows how to have a conversation because they've been having them since they were toddlers.

However, most people develop bad habits that almost guarantee that their business conversations will sometimes be meaningless wastes of time. Here's a simple four step process for making certain that every work conversation that you have is both meaningful and worth having. 1. Know WHY you're having the conversation. Every conversation must have a point, or there's no point in having it. With friends and family, the "point" is often to simply enjoy each other's company. You already know how to do that. Hey, relax and have fun. In business, though, there's always an agenda to every conversation, even if it seems as if the conversation is only to "get to know" you better (or vice-versa), until such time as your co-worker becomes a friend or a family member. Therefore, whenever you start a conversation with a co-worker (and this includes customers, bosses, colleagues, and the guy who empties the trash), have an explicit goal in mind. That way you're less likely to waste time and energy. Similarly, if somebody opens a conversation with you, it's worthwhile to wonder why the conversation is happening and why now. It's not worth obsessing about, but if you've got a sense of the "why" it's easier to get "where" the conversation needs to go. 2. Ignore your "monkey mind." The ancient Chinese believed everyone has a "monkey mind" that jumps from thought to thought, like so:

What is she thinking about me? Will I make a sale? What if I can't pay the mortgage? Gosh, that wallpaper is ugly. I've got to get the airport in two hours. Etc., etc., etc.

This constant mental noise pulls your attention away from the customer and towards your own perspectives, priorities and goals.

If you listen to your "monkey mind," you'll only hear a percentage of what the other person is saying. In all likelihood, you'll misunderstand and misremember what was said. 3. Acknowledge what you've heard. When the other person has finished speaking, re-describe, and characterize what the other person just said. This confirms that you were really listening to the other person, rather than your internal dialog ("monkey mind"). It also prevents you from continuing the conversation based upon a misunderstanding. The restatement gives the other person an opportunity to correct your perception or elaborate as necessary to make sure that you "get it." 4. Think and then respond. Pause a moment to consider what you heard and have echoed back. Respond with a statement, story, or question that adds to the conversation and moves it closer to its point and purpose. Having this kind of conversation is both difficult and easy. It's difficult because some people's "monkey minds" are the size of King Kong and chatter so loudly that they can't hear anything else. However, once you've learned to ignore the chatter, this way of listening, reflecting, and talking quickly becomes second nature. And that's the easy part. Like this post? If so, sign up for the free Sales Source newsletter.

Geoffrey James writes the Sales Source column on Inc.com, the world's most visited sales-oriented blog. His newly published book is Business to Business Selling: Power Words and Strategies From the World's Top Sales Experts. @Sales_Source

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When it comes to credibility-building, the three most powerful words in the English language are: "I don't know." Many salespeople and most managers think that they'll lose credibility if they admit ignorance, especially about something about which they "ought" to know. However, the exact opposite is the case. Admitting ignorance makes everything else you say more credible. Admitting ignorance marks you as a person who's not afraid to speak the truth, even when that truth might reflect poorly on you. Needless to say, the "I don't know" should be followed by a plan to discover the information that's required, if the issue is truly important. And you WILL be judged on whether you deliver on that promise. But here's the thing: people dislike a know-it-all. They can often sense, at a gut level, when they're being BSed. Even if they're taken in, when they find out (as usually happens) that they've been BSed, they never trust the BSer again. Like this post? If so, sign up for the free Sales Source newsletter.

Geoffrey James writes the Sales Source column on Inc.com, the world's most visited sales-oriented blog. His newly published book is Business to Business Selling: Power Words and Strategies From the World's Top Sales Experts. @Sales_Source

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A reader recently pointed me to some "rules for a happier life" that various folks have posted in various forms. Here's my take on those rules as they apply to the workplace: 1. Don't compare yourself to others. Everybody, and I mean everybody, starts out in a different place and is headed on their own journey. You have NO idea where someone else's journey might lead them, so drawing comparisons is a complete waste of time. 2. Never obsess over things you cannot control.

While it's often important to know about other things--like the economy, the markets that you sell to, the actions that others might take, your focus should remain on what you actually control, which is 1) your own thoughts and 2) your own actions. 3. Know and keep your personal limits and boundaries. While your job might sometimes seem like the most important thing in your world, you're killing a part of yourself if you let work situations push you into places that violate your privacy and your integrity. 4. Don't over commit yourself or your team. It's great to be enthusiastic and willing to go the "extra mile," but making promises that you (or your team) can't reasonably keep is simply a way to create failure and disappointment. 5. Remember you get the same amount of time every day as everyone else. You may feel you're short on time and that you need more of it, but the simple truth is that when the day started, you got your fair share: 24 hours. Nobody got any more than you did, so stop complaining. 6. Don't take yourself so seriously; nobody else does. The ability to laugh at your foibles not only makes you happier as a person, it makes you more powerful, more influential and more attractive to others. If you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will be laughing behind your back. 7. Daydream more rather than less. The idea that daydreaming and working are mutually exclusive belongs back in the 20th century. It's when you let your thoughts wander that you're more likely to have the insights that will make you both unique and more competitive. 8. Don't bother with hate; it's not worth the effort. Hate is an emotional parasite that eats away at your energy and health. If something is wrong with the world and you can change it, take action. If you can't take action, you're better off to forgive and forget.

9. Make peace with your past lest it create your future. Focusing on past mistakes or wrongs inflicted on you is exactly like driving a car while looking in the rear view mirror. You'll keep heading in the same direction until you collide with something solid. 10. Don't try to "win" every argument. Some battles aren't worth fighting, and many people are easier to handle when they think they've won the argument. What's important isn't "winning," but what you, and the other people involved, plan to do next. 11. Remember that nobody is in charge of your happiness except you. While some work environments are inherently difficult, if you're consistentlymiserable it's your fault. You owe it to yourself and your coworkers to either find a job that makes you happy or make the best of the job you've got. 12. Smile and laugh more frequently. Contrary to popular belief, smiling and laughter are not the RESULT of being happy; they're part of a cycle that both creates and reinforces happiness. Find reasons to smile. Never, ever suppress a laugh. 13. Don't waste precious energy on malice and gossip. Before you tell a story about anybody else, or listen to such a story, ask yourself four questions: 1) Is it true? 2) Is it kind? 3) Is it necessary? and 4) Would I want somebody telling a similar story about me? 14. Don't worry what others think about you; it's none of your business. You can't mind read and you don't have everyone else wired into a lie detector. Truly, you really have NO IDEA what anyone is REALLY thinking about you. It's a total waste of time and energy to try. 15. Remember that however bad (or good) a situation is, it will inevitably change.

The nature of the physical universe is change. Nothing remains the same; everything is, as the gurus say, transitory. Whether you're celebrating or mourning or something in between, this, too, will pass. 16. Trash everything in your work area that isn't useful or beautiful. Think about it: you're going to spend about a third of your waking adult life at work. Why would you want to fill your work environment--and that part of your life--with objects that are useless and ugly? 17. Believe that the best is yet to come, no matter what. When my grandmother was widowed in her 70s, she went back to college, traveled across Europe in youth hostels, and learned Japanese painting, among many other activities. The last thing she told me was: "You know, Geoffers, life begins at 90." READERS: What additional rules should be on this list? (Leave a comment!) Like this post? If so, sign up for the free Sales Source newsletter.

Geoffrey James writes the Sales Source column on Inc.com, the world's most visited sales-oriented blog. His newly published book is Business to Business Selling: Power Words and Strategies From the World's Top Sales Experts. @Sales_Source

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