relationships

Difficult People
By Steve Floyd, LCPC, MSE, Agape Counseling

ost of us have encountered people difficult to understand, get along with, and even like. They may live in the same house, work in the same office, gather in the same social circles, or be a part of the family. They could be someone you encounter on a daily or weekly basis, or only at family functions. They can come across as unreasonable, overbearing, controlling, uncompromising, and irrational. Maybe you have tried various approaches to seek some accord with them, from trying to appease them, to gentle confrontation, to limiting the amount of time spent with them, and finally ending with avoiding them altogether. They are resilient and resistant to approaches you may present, take little responsibility for their actions, and then express how the problem lies with you and not them. As you are reading this, a name or two may immediately come to mind. Thinking about them causes your stress level to go up a notch or two or three. Often their demands of your time and attention prevent you from properly caring for your own needs. Their behaviors may create conflicts between you and others. They are good at distracting you from the issue at hand, delving into the past to bring up other unresolved problems or bring up irrelevant topics. They minimize or deny altogether their impact and exaggerate yours. They excuse their behavior as a reaction to how they perceive your actions. Or they appear confused as to how you would think that they would use feelings such as anger, guilt, or play the victim to get their way. You may ask, Why do people (maybe my own family member) act this way? Do they know how they come across? The reasons are varied and often intertwined. Some love the excitement of being the center of attention, creating drama over trivial things. We all like to have a sense of control in our life, but difficult people go to the extreme, using unhealthy means to try to get others to see and do things their way. Others have built elaborate defense mechanisms that protect them from perceived criticism, their fears of inadequacy, or unresolved anxieties. Whatever the reasons, their behaviors are so well practiced and engrained that they become an automatic response to everyday interactions with others. Here are four approaches that can help lessen your frustration with difficult people:

Assertive Communication Being as tactful as possible, give them specific, descriptive feedback about their behavior and what you would like them to change. Give them positive feedback when they do behave in helpful ways. You may include how their actions affect you. Present them with a consequence if your requested change is not made. Think through possible consequences to determine what is most realistic and one that you can actually implement. It is just as bad not to have any consequences as it is to give them but then not follow through. For some people, change can be scary and overwhelming, so be prepared for resistance to the request and attempts to sabotage it. Listen for the opportunity to agree with them to help build an alliance with them. Take Care of Yourself Dealing with difficult people is stressful. They wear you down. When you are stressed, you are more easily frustrated, saying and doing things that are not helpful to resolving the issue. So it is important to get adequate sleep and proper nutrition. Exercise regularly, take time to relax, and develop calming techniques for those peak stress times. Seek out healthy relationships and spend time in activities that make you laugh. Set boundaries that limit contact with difficult people for times when it is more convenient for you. Do this using assertive communication. Better Manage Your Emotions Accept the fact that you cannot control how the difficult person thinks or behaves. You can only change how you react, respond to, or behave toward the difficult person. This requires you to change your attitude toward them. Try to separate the behavior you dont like from the person. When you do this, you will find that your feelings may also change, becoming more manageable. This could mean instead of getting angry, now you only get irritated; instead of being mad for an hour, now you get mad for 10 minutes and then move on. You may find that once you change how you respond to them, you could be a better influence on them. Lastly, Break All Ties If the previous tactics fail, and this persons behavior creates too much stress and disruption, you may need to break all ties with them. It may be difficult, especially if it is a family member or co-worker. It could mean seeking a new workplace, church, and circle of friends. Take time to explore your options, seek answers to any questions before making plans, decide on a course of action, make a backup plan, prepare yourself (go back to school, get legal advice), and then do it. Steve Floyd, LCPC, MSE, is a therapist at Agape Counseling in Morton with over 25 years experience. He is part of a Private Practice group of Christian counselors committed to a therapeutic process that ministers to the whole person. Agape Counseling has offices in Bloomington, Morton, and Peoria. More information about Mr. Floyd and other Agape Counseling therapists is available on their website: www.agapecounselors.net.

Page 38 Healthy Cells Magazine Peoria September 2013