Uncommon Wisdom From the Other Side A Senior Pastor Talks Youth Ministry 2013 Tony Myles group.

.com simplyyouthministry.com All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission from the publisher, except where noted in the text and in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, visit group.com/customer-support/permissions. Credits Author: Tony Myles Executive Developer: Jason Ostrander Chief Creative Officer: Joani Schultz Editor: Rob Cunningham Cover Art and Production: Veronica Preston Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc. Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV), copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-4707-0458-2 Printed in the U.S.A.

CONTENTS Acknowledgements........................................................... 1 A Handshake................................................................... 3 An Ugly Introduction.......................................................... 6 A Beautiful Introduction.................................................. 11 Before You Move On.................................................... 15 SECTION ONE: UNCOMMON PERSONAL CHARACTER..... 17 What I Wantand What I Really Want.............................. 23 PrayerBecause It Always Comes First (Allegedly)............ 31 Why You Need to Quit Your Job Right Now..................... 41 Ear Pollution.................................................................. 49 Authority, Credibility, and the Temptation to Fake Both....... 57 Before You Move On.................................................... 62 SECTION TWO: UNCOMMON CHURCH STUFF................. 65 Casting a Contagious Vision............................................ 69 BRAP: A Checklist for Your Checklists.............................. 77 The Assist..................................................................... 85 Feed Up or Fed Up.......................................................... 93 Before You Move On.................................................... 99 SECTION THREE: UNCOMMON MINISTRY STUFF.......... 103 Pregnant Guys and Topless Girls................................... 109 From Life-Change to Life Changers................................. 115 This Is How We Do It.................................................... 123 The 50/100/200 Principle........................................... 131 Before You Move On.................................................. 138 Another Handshake..................................................... 141 Endnotes..................................................................... 146

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I was 16 years old the night I first walked into a student ministry. A month later, I took ownership of my faith in Jesus Christ. To thank any one person responsible for that would be to miss a thousand, and so I humbly thank anyone who has ever been a part of the student ministry of Willow Creek Community Church. Im equally thankful to every congregation Ive ever ministered in (including the ones that gave me more heartache than happiness). You allowed me to serve God and undergo some growing pains. I continue to pray for your growing pains, too. Wise mentors have helped me navigate it all, especially Dan Webster, Bo Boshers, Larry Mitchell, Bud Bence, and Mike Yaconelli. Youre indirectly present in this book, as are many ministry peers I admire and am grateful to knowespecially my amazing friends at Group Publishing and Simply Youth Ministry. Thanks also to Connection Church for asking me to be your lead pastor. You are the kind of rag-tag community of Christ-followers Ive always dreamed of finding. BE the church. My favorite people are the ones I get to call my family. You keep me laughing and in awe of God, and I simply dont deserve your love. Joshua, Daniel, and Johannayou are world changers who rock my world 1

every day. Katieyou are my bride, and my one true love. Only you and God know the full story behind every short story I share, and I think weve kept each other sane following the Lord. None of this would be possible without Jesus, for whom there are no words to adequately thank for saving me and giving me new life. What I offer is all of who I am, for all of who you are. so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on Gods power (1 Corinthians 2:5).

A HANDSHAKE

Hi, my name is Tony. I used to be a professional youth worker able to do youth ministry in my sleep. (I actually said that out loud once.) God woke me up one day and I quit snoozing in my own arrogance. Occasionally I still get this wrong, but Ive realized a truth attributed to Will Rogers: Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.1 We all have strengths, but we also have gaps. Some of my hardest growing pains in ministry occurred when another person explained how I dropped the ball with something I shouldve known or handled better. Thats given me some hindsight that can help your foresight, but not because Im an expert behind a desk. I still have skin in the game as a lead pastor, volunteer youth worker, and dad of a youth group kid. I regularly come alongside students on road trips, camps, small groups, and events so they know theres a church family beyond their youth group who loves them. Ill at times give up preaching on the weekend so I can serve a shift teaching youth. I know that what Im describing isnt common in a lot of churches.

Then again, thats why the title of this book is what it isinstead of recycling whats common, well reclaim whats uncommon. Lets start with a handshake, as Im a real guy who is trying to figure out as much as you are about what it means to serve God and students. I came to Jesus Christ as a teenager, and have always felt like Im playing catch-up to everything I shouldve known about God and church but didnt. Most days I still feel like Im that ignorant kidits why Ive often struggled with feeling like I needed to prove myself. This book is thematically retroactive for me, meaning its full of things I wish I couldve told myself years ago. Much of what well be covering will give you the chance to change the typical youth ministry conversation happening at large and in your church. Its not my hope to critique the conventional thinking that has gotten us where we are, but to instead offer you an equally flawed alternative. You may need to reread that last sentence. Youll also want to note that I structured this book with a handful of character issues upfront. Well get to some nuts-and-bolts takeaways later, but dont overlook the initial sections and skip to the programming insights. Honestly, if you dont deal with who you are, youll just become another dog and pony show youth worker. Youre capable of more than that. 4

Read this with others as you can, and keep a Bible handy. Well process through the life of a guy named Nehemiah and hear wisdom from fellow youth workers who are on the same journey youre on. Double-check every thought against Gods thoughts. Make no mistake, this is important. Judges 2:10 reveals that were always one generation away from becoming a godless culture: After that whole generation had been gathered to their ancestors, another generation grew up who knew neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel. Thats why Im as passionate about students today as I was when I served for two decades exclusively as a youth pastor. Gods placed me in medium-sized congregations, suburban megachurches, tiny rural communities, and urban areas. Ive done this with churches, nonprofits, schools, and community centers. In all of that, the Lords enlarged my calling today to help the church have a healthier future, which includes caring about what youre sorting through. Email me anytime so we can chat: tonymyles@hotmail.com. Nowlets get this party started.

AN UGLY INTRODUCTION
Thank you for signing up to reach the next generation.

Your heart will gain scars. Youll be misled by others. Close friends will seemingly abandon you. The resources may run out. You may fake your faith some days for the sake of others. Simple things Christians say will annoy you. The church you serve may appear two-dimensional in your three-dimensional stress. Students will let you down. You will disciple at least one Judas. People will say all kinds of unkind things about you and your family.

And it is the best possible way to live.

It would be easier to start things out by patting you on the back, but you need to know what youre being patted into. The reason its called ministry is because someone is needed to minister. That implies a gap exists that needs filling. You may occasionally get applause for doing this, but if youre looking for applause you have things backward. Trouble will hit. Relational blood will be spilled. People you expect to be medics will at times be holding the knife. And youll at times be one of the guilty parties. If you can see this for what it is and enter the chaos glued to Jesus, youll unearth questions about church and ministry you didnt realize existed. Youll also see some things about God youd like to change, such as how he gets to call the shots on good days and bad days. Youll later treasure these things because when you arent able to answer the what happens next question, youll start focusing on the who can I love who is in front of me now question. 7

Thats the question that really matters more, anyway.

Its going to be ugly. Anytime something full of life is born, there is a big, bloody mess. Why do we forget this and whine about it when it happens? Then againperhaps you feel OK with ministry today and are nodding, assuming youre ready for whatever comes next. Will you keep nodding when your spouse is about to experience a nervous breakdown because of your calling? How about when your own walk with God feels drier than its ever been and you have another message to deliver? What will you do when the bliss of working inside the four walls of a church starts to feel like solitary confinement? Such hardships may not dominate, but there will likely be seasons when everything seems crazy and Jesus will need you to help redeem even the redeemed. This is where what you preach finally gets owned. This is where your faith moves from practical ideas about living to oxygen for your suffocation. This is where you take on Satan, not out of adrenaline but out of Jesus. 8

Consider this line from C.S. Lewis book The Screwtape Letters where one demon counsels another on wearing down a man who has given himself to their enemy, God: Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemys will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys. 2 Its not my aim to destroy your faith but to ground it in the Lord before it gets destroyed. Ministry will give you every circumstance to abandon what youre doing because theres always a seemingly nicer job at a store or restaurant down the street where you can clock in and clock out. Then again, perhaps you werent made to clock in and clock out. Maybe (just maybe) you will deny yourself, carry your cross, follow Jesus, and experience a resurrection in this generation. (Note the order of that sentence.)

Doing that will unearth more of God than you feel prepared for, which in turn will make you run off screaming or surrendered on your own cross because you finally see students like he does. 9

Because youth ministry is ugly. Welcome to a book filled with uncommon wisdom.

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A BEAUTIFUL INTRODUCTION
Thank you for signing up to reach the next generation.

You will have good days in ministry. Amazing days, in fact. Your insides will illuminate when teenagers have lightbulb moments because youre shining Christ into them. Youll experience breakthroughs from time to time that make you feel as if you just won a major sports championship. Youll have such spontaneous joy that youll be tempted to break out into song, like some kind of ministry musical. Keep in mind that these days of celebration will be as common as and as rare as they are in the Bible. Chew on that a moment. A mentor of mine pointed out Jesus said one out of four seed-planting efforts may end up producing anything good.3 One out of four. Factor in that you may on this side of heaven only sense a 10th of that as it happens.

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Yet down the road a future young adult may tell you how when you sat next to them at a church lock-in and learned their story, you helped God change their world. For all you know, thats itand thats enough. Then again, maybe itll become contagious in their generation and the next:

P.T. Im here because of you. Im watching sixty teenagers cannonball, dive, and belly smack into a pool at 10 oclock at night. Yes, because of you, Im a youth pastor and district youth president mixing with teens, parents, and other pastors by co-directing a family camp. Everything that could possibly be associated with here for me right now has its derivative in you: My wife, church, ministry, and faith all stem from the common root of my pastor, P.T. So many of my breakthrough moments with Jesus occurred because of your wisdom and wit. You taught me about the difference between dating the worlds way versus relationships Gods way; you helped me ponder what Jesus will first say to us in heaven; and Ill never forget the inchworm climbing up a tent on a youth trip when from behind me you stated in a Napoleon-esque voice, I shall take the castle by force! Youve influenced my life through specific moments, as 12

well as your consistent lifestylefrom what you wrote, prayed, said, and chose not to say even when I was being a punk. Ive been changed by your integrity, passion, and unconditional love, in all the times both obvious and secret. Its only now, as a pastor myself, do I realize what it takes to make those specific moments occur. There are one hundred different directions you were being pulledone thousand reasons you shouldve been too fatigued. That didnt stop you from making a message relevant to us, being personal with me on a car ride, or leaving the note that launched me into ministry with no looking back. There is also no way I couldve known what it takes to walk a consistent life of integrity until now. Last year a close friend of mine buckled under temptation. That could easily be any one of us who leaves a hole in his or her armor or pridefully skips a meeting with an accountability partner. You couldve absolutely destroyed my trust in the Lord and his church. Instead, I was able to grow into enough maturity that even when I now see saints fall, I hold fast to the Savior, and his call. Thank you, Pastor Tony. There are over fifty churches influenced by the ministry the Lord 13

has called me to. If any fruit comes of this by the Spirit, its because Im available to the Lord by the ministry you poured out to me. Ive struggled all my life to believe I was worth much. You taught me the Word of God promises Im made in his image, and you treated me according that promise. Who knows the amount of fruit youll one day rejoice over with your Best Friend, because you humbled yourself? Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pastor Tony Myles, for what you have done, but mostly for being who you are. Pastor Brian Scramlin Brian wrote this to me in his mid-20swhich means I had to see the future potential for that letter when he was a teenager. Its why Hebrews 11:1 says faith is the evidence of things still unseen. You join God in working possibilities in impossible situations. Will they see what you see? Students are worth it. Church is worth it. Jesus is worth it. Because youth ministry is beautiful. Welcome to a book filled with uncommon wisdom. 14

BEFORE YOU MOVE ON

Whether youve been in youth ministry for a day or for decades, youve learned something. Maybe its about how the way you used to do something was less productive or life-giving than you thought it would be. Perhaps youd give yourself a good talking-to about your attitude or how you let ministry take the place of your own journey with God. If you could send a message back in time to yourself right before you agreed to get into this, what would you say? What hard, ugly wisdom would you offer yourself to prepare for what you might face? What inspiring, beautiful concepts could you use to cast vision for why its all worth it?

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SECTION ONE: UNCOMMON PERSONAL CHARACTER

I was cupbearer to the king (Nehemiah 1:11).

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The book of Nehemiah introduces us to a guy named Nehemiah (now thats some amazing marketing). He was a cupbearer to the king and tasted the best drinks in the land to see if they were poisoned.4 This was a great gig for anyone, let alone a Jew whose people spent more than a century exiled in a foreign land. Nehemiah literally consumed what was prepared for the most powerful and important man in the kingdom. Imagine working as a taste-tester at the only buffet in a third-world country. Around this time, the king decreed the Jews could start returning to their homeland. An initial wave of 50,000 people took him up on it to start rebuilding their temple. It seemed like everyone would want to leave, but not everyone did. Nehemiah stayed. Maybe it was because he was blessed with a secure job in a challenging economy. Why in the world would you want to quit that to head back to an old land full of broken buildings in the middle of the desert? Then again, his reason for staying may have been something more profound and spiritual. Honestly, we dont know why Nehemiah stayed put we just know that he did.

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Then one day Nehemiah got word that the walls of Jerusalem were in shambles: When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven (Nehemiah 1:4). Which is right about the moment that God unraveled everything he knew.

A NEW JOB DESCRIPTION

Youre no longer the youth pastor of the church. This is what my senior pastor told me in a meeting I didnt see coming. Which is right about the moment that God unraveled everything I knew. Apparently, I was being moved into a different role and being given a new job description. In reality, my pastor was incrementally firing me by moving me out of my youth pastor role to make me a creative arts pastora new role he budgeted to last for four months. It felt like church politics disguised as compassion. Maybe this way the church wouldnt complain if he spontaneously let me go. I wanted to quit on the spot. 19

The only problem is that God had called me to that churchand God hadnt released me. I could pretend he had and say, This is tough, so the Lord must be calling me away from here. It wouldve been a lie. A creative arts pastor. No offense to that role, but while I could make clever videos, I showed up to serve as a youth pastor that day. Those kids need me, I thought. What will they do without me? My pastor asked if I was going to take the job. I told him I needed to go home and talk with my wife. So I didI sat down with my family and ate an intentionally slow lunch until finally sharing the news, including how I had discerned I wasnt yet released from the church. My wife nodded her head, but her faith began to sift, and would continue to siftas would mine. I drove back to the church building in a daze, and even got a ticket on the way, but I took the jobnot because I had a mortgage, but because following Jesus means following Jesus. The next day I began a routine outside of the church building that Id repeat each day that followed. Id pause, breathe, and then say, Tony, youre no longer the youth pastor of the church. If teenagers come by today, redirect them to their new youth pastor. You are this churchs creative arts pastordeny yourself, carry your cross, and serve the Lord. 20

Pause. Breathe. Serve. That discipline helped me give my best, which stretched the four months into nine months. Eventually, the job ran out, and I continued into a raw season of life that suffocated my faith and family. I remember feeling emasculated after moving in with my in-laws and working four part-time jobs to provide some type of income. My wife took a job at a restaurant, and one day even had to serve the wife of the very senior pastor who fired me. I got angry with God, grew jaded about churches, and wrote blog posts as therapy. The Lord seemed to respond by pouring salt on my open wound. I was offered several church roles I could have easily settled for. One was even my dream job, only when the offer came I found myself wrestling with vague whispers from the Holy Spirit that said God had a different dream for me. When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven. And in the vacuum of it all, I reread how Jesus trusted his church into the hands of imperfect people. If he has that kind of faith in it, how could I not? Especially since Hebrews 11 describes Christians who

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were torturedfaced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreatedthe world was not worthy of them (Hebrews 11:35-38). One day in heaven those martyrs will ask us what kind of persecution we faced. People who were sawed in two will listen as we reply, Yeah, my senior pastor was mean and insecure. Someone who lost their child for Christ will hear us say, I didnt get a youth budget. People gossiped about my family. Someone else got my office. They said Id get this one thing in my contract, but they never gave it to me. A key leader or elder lied to me, and I can handle anything except a lie. I dont know what you face, but I know from personal experience that at some point everything you know will unravel. Perhaps it will be professionally, or maybe it will come at you emotionally, physically, spiritually, or relationally. Youll feel like youre literally unlearning everything youre sure of. The good news? This is right about when the King leans over and says, What is it you want?

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Ever wish your ministry hindsight could be your foresight? Sometimes you dont know whats about to happen nextor how to prepare for it. Other times you can almost glimpse the lessons youre about to learn the hard way before they happen, like youre peering through the tiny panels of a fence. You can barely make out what you see, but you know something important lives on the other side. What if someone was on that side of the fence? What if it was a senior pastor who truly understands what you face as a youth workerand who not only understands, but wants to offer wisdom to help you in your journey? Tony Myles speaks from a unique perspective: a former youth pastor who remains deeply engaged in his churchs ministry to teenagers. He still has skin in the game as a lead pastor, volunteer youth worker, and dad of a youth group kid. He regularly interacts with students and sometimes even gives up preaching on the weekend so he can teach youth. Instead of recycling whats common, this book reclaims things that are uncommonthought-provoking questions, risky challenges, and uncomfortable ideas about personal character, church life, and youth ministry. And youll process all of this through the life of Nehemiahwith extra insights from youth workers who are on the same path youre traveling.

Uncommon Wisdom From the Other Side will give you the chance to change the typical youth ministry conversation happening at large and in your churchall with the goal of remaining glued to Jesus and reaching a generation of young people.

tony myles
Tony Myles is the lead pastor of Connection Church, an incredible move of God in Medina, Ohio. With over 20 years of experience and advanced education in youth ministry, he is also a volunteer youth worker in his church, national ministry coach, book author, and columnist for a Cleveland-area newspaper. Mostly, Tony is a messy Christ-follower with an overflowing love for God; for his amazing wife, Katie; for their two awesome boys and one beautiful girl; and for the church in all its imperfect, redemptive beauty. Follow him on Twitter: @tonymyles.

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