Say No and Keep Your Friends

1 videocassette . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 minutes

Executive Producer: Jean Robbins Producer: Susan Eikov Green Video Production: Deerfield Video Hawthorne, NY Teacher's Guide: Ruth Grossman

COPYRIGHT 1995 SUNBURST COMMUNICATIONS, INC. PLEASANTVILLE, NY 10570

ISBN 0-7805-4167-7

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Learning Objectives . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Using the Program . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Summary of the Program . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Questions from the Program . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 Questions for Discussion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Suggested Activities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Handout Sheets 1-3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Script . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26

INTRODUCTION The ability to say no without losing a valued friendship is an essential social skill at any age. It is crucial in the middle-school years because of the new, heightened importance children give to friendship. For middle-schoolers, friends are the central focus of their lives defining themselves and their place in the peer group. Therefore, they often find it very difficult to say not to a friend because to do so might jeopardize their most important relationships.. Say No and Keep Your Friends teaches middleschoolers how to stand up for themselves and still retain valued friendships. Learning these skills is critical for two reasons. On the most obvious level, it gives young people tools to resist peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol, have sex too soon, or get involved in illegal activities. On a more subtle level, it can enhance their self-esteem and contribute to their self-confidence at a vulnerable time of life. Say No and Keep Your Friends is built on the principles of assertiveness, applying them specifically to situations between friends. The program teaches assertive behaviors that allow students to act in their own best interests, according to their own best values while respecting the values and interest of others. It shows middle-schoolers how to use assertiveness skills without compromising friendships. The program is set in a training session where five students who will be counselors at a day camp role-play a -2-

variety of situations middle schoolers are likely to encounter. By watching their on-screen peers role-play, viewers learn a variety of effective strategies and techniques for saying no without losing friends. Among the techniques that work are changing the subject, talking things out, turning the tables on the person, refusing to continue the conversation, and just walking away. What doesn't work is yelling, continually making excuses, or getting angry. Viewers discover that in dealing with a friend, the way in which the "no" is said is very important. They learn about sending mixed messages, "Say what you mean," the program advises, "and mean what you say." Not only is it a good idea to clearly and briefly state the reasons for refusing a request, but it is equally appropriate to look for alternatives and compromises. Viewers also learn that when pressured to do something dangerous or illegal, the best thing to do is to ask themselves, "Is this the kind of friend I want?" and then accept that the loss of a friendship is a necessary consequence where personal safety or important values are involved. By acting firm but friendly, by remaining calm and not displaying anger, students learn that they can say no without jeopardizing a friendship. To further extend the scope and usefulness of the program, this teacher's guide provides thought-provoking discussion questions and suggested activities. The latter -3-

include opportunities for students to role-play assertiveness techniques and thereby gain the confidence they need to say no, and still keep their friends.

LEARNING OBJECTIVES This program is designed to help students: recognize that they have the right to say no to a friend. familiarize themselves with techniques and strategies that can help them say no and still keep their friends. understand that a relationship between friends need not be harmed by saying no. learn the difference between saying no assertively and aggressively or antagonistically. accept that the loss of a friendship can be a necessary consequence where important values or personal safety are involved.

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USING THE PROGRAM Throughout the program there are frequent stopping places for discussion questions. Additional questions for discussion are provided in this guide along with handouts and suggested activities, including role-plays. Roleplays give students the opportunity to practice the skills and strategies described in the program. As the word play indicates, they can be fun to do and are valuable tools to learning. Some suggestions might help you generate good role-playing sessions: Prepare the group for role-playing by indicating that there will be no judging of the quality of the performance. Everyones effort is valued and worthwhile. Set up the role play. Ask students to remember the goal--saying no to a friend without jeopardizing the friendship. Scenarios should be brief, two to three minutes in length. Students will be relieved if they dont have to improvise endlessly. Because role-playing can stimulate identification in both players and audience, ask players how they felt as they played their roles and invite comments and discussion from the rest of the class. Assign an observer whose task is to take notes for later feedback on voice tone, body language, rights asserted, techniques used. Encourage group members to comment on the observer's feedback. -5-

 Keep comments constructive. Ask students to focus on the characters and conflict and ask, What else could she have said? rather than, What was wrong with her answer? Be alert to the possibility that players or audience caught up in the action may reveal more about themselves in their comments than they intended. Stop any opinions or discussion that you see becoming too personal or self-revealing.

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SUMMARY OF THE PROGRAM Sarah and Angela, two middle-schoolers, are babysitting for Sarahs younger brother. Just as they settle down to watch a movie, their friend Matt and two other boys appear at the door. When the boys want to come in, Sarah very curtly tells them, Here? No way. We next see the girls at a day camp where they will be part of a training session for junior counselors. Sarah is very upset. Libby, the leader of the training session, asks Sarah what her problem is. Sarah explains that when she wouldn't let Matt in her house, and he got angry and took back an invitation to his graduation party. Angela tells Libby that Sarah didn't ask Matt to leave--she yelled at him and practically threw him out. "That's why Matt's mad at you," she tells Sarah. When Sarah says there was nothing else she could do, Libby disagrees and then realizes that learning how to say no without losing your friends is an excellent topic for the counselor-in-training session. When the group of junior counselors--Josh, Carlos, Darryl, Angela, and Sarah--is assembled, Libby suggests that they all think up situations in which a friend asks them to do something they cannot agree to. Then the group will role-play and learn strategies and techniques that will enable them to say no without losing their friends Libby thinks up the first situation and Josh and Angela role-play. Angela has to tell Josh that she cannot have a party at her house when her parents are away. Afraid to hurt Joshs feelings, Angela says hesitantly, I dont think I can. The group points out Angelas mistakes: she -7-

never actually says no and she doesnt make eye contact with Josh. She tries again, but this time says no in such a gruff tone that Josh gets mad at her. The group points out that she should speak to Josh in a friendly tone and because she is his friend, she should tell him why she cant have the party. Angela does this but then gives Josh more and more reasons. Carlos thinks doing that makes it seems as if Angela is making it up. One reason is enough. Josh argues that the party will be fun and now Angela is stumped, because she thinks hes right--the party will be fun. So Darryl advises Angela to agree with Josh but respect that she cant have the party. She does this and finds that saying no isnt so difficult. Josh admits that he isnt mad. Libby reminds the group that when telling a friend no, its important not to send mixed messages. Say what you mean, she tells the group, and say it like you mean it. Darryl then brings up a problem he is having with his friend Kevin. In a flashback, we see Kevin tell Darryl that he has lost a rented video game, but told his father hes returned it. Now Kevin wants Darryl to back him up in his lie. When Darryl is reluctant, Kevin says Some friend you are! The group discusses how difficult it is to say no when a friend makes you feel guilty or responsible for solving his problem. They then role-play to help Darryl find a way to say no to Kevin, but still be his friend. They decide that the best strategy is for Darryl to help Kevin out by -8-

offering an alternative--in this case, helping him search for the game. This allows Darryl to help Kevin, but not lie for him. Angela and Sarah tell about their friend Whitney. Angela's problems is that Whitney will never take no for an answer. We see Angela and Whitney at Angelas house. Whitney wants to call the Fortune Tellers Hot line. Angela says no, because the call is too expensive. Whitney keeps insisting. The girls end up in a shouting match and Whitney storms off. The group discusses the problem and comes up with some strategies: change the subject; refuse to discuss the issue; talk it out; ask Whitney why she won't listen. Then Darryl suggests that Angela could turn the tables by suggesting that Whitney make the call from her own house. Josh then says that he is having a bigger problem because he wants to say no to a group of friends--not just one person. In a flashback, we see Josh and his friends who all want to sneak into the town swimming pool at night. Not wanting to be labeled a chicken, Josh goes along, even though he doesn't want to. But his friends are planning to return this very night, so Josh needs help quickly. The group role-plays for a solution. Josh tries some of the strategies the group has already discussed, but none of them work. Then Sarah suggests he make up an excuse. Angela says he should blame it in his parents. So Josh comes up with an excuse. The groups agrees that sometimes making up an excuse is a good way of getting out of a difficult situation, but Libby warns that if your friends -9-

keep asking you to do things you think are wrong, eventually you have to tell them where you stand. Carlos then relates an incident where he had to take a stand against his friends. We see him with Keith and Jill, who out of boredom decide to take a ride in Jills parents car, even though Jill has no license and has never driven anywhere but in her driveway. Carlos sees how dangerous this situation is and decides not to go. He walks away and risks losing his friends. The group agrees that he did the right thing. Libby advises that in dangerous or illegal situations, leaving is often the best way to say no. "Sometimes," she says, "you have to ask yourself, 'Are these really the kind of friends I want?" When the training session is over, Sarah says that she wishes she had known some of this last night because then she would have handled the situation with Matt much differently. She imagines what she would have done. We see her telling Matt and the other boys in a firm, but friendly tone that she is sorry she cannot invite him in. When Matt Say, "But I thought we were friends," she replies: "We are friends, but I'll get in really big trouble if you come in." The boys accept her calm, friendly explanation and as Matt leaves he tells her he'll see her at his graduation party. Back at camp, Angela notices Matt and some friends swimming in the lake. Sarah sees her opportunity to apologize and the girls run down to the lake for a swim. -10-

QUESTIONS FROM THE PROGRAM (The following questions appear on screen in the video.) (1) (2) What makes it so hard to say no to friend? What does sending a mixed message mean? What effect does it have? How do you react when a friend says, Id do it for you! or Some friend you are! What do you do when a friend wont take no for an answer? How do you act when a friend says no to you? When can making up an excuse be a good idea? What are some of the problems it can cause? Have you ever told a friend that what she/he is doing is wrong? How did you feel afterwards? How did it affect the friendship? Do you think friends have an obligation to try to talk friends out of doing something dangerous? Why or why not? In what kinds of situations do you think leaving is the best way to say no? What makes it hard to walk away from friends?

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QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION (1) When Josh was trying to convince Angela to have a party, she said Uhm, I dont think so and looked down at her shoes. Why did that make it more difficult for her to convince him she was serious? Josh tells Angela that a party at her house will probably be fun. Angela agrees with him and repeats her no. Is agreeing with your friend, but still saying no, a good tactic to use? Darryl says a friend is entitled to an explanation about why you are saying no. Do you think a friend is obligated to give an explanation? Can you think of a situation in which giving an explanation would make it harder to say no? Carlos says that its best to stick to one explanation. If you keep giving him reasons, he says, it sounds like youre making it up. Do you agree or disagree with Carlos? Kevin tries to get Darryl to lie for him by making Darryl feel guilty. Why do you think people use guilt this way? Has a friend ever tried to get you to do something you didnt want to do by making you feel guilty? Have you ever done that? Sarah says that Kevin acts as if its Darryls job to get him out of his problem with the lost video. Should Darryl feel responsible for helping Kevin out? What responsibility do friends have to each other in this regard? -12-

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Who do you think it is harder to say no to: a friend like Whitney, who pesters; Kevin, who uses guilt as a weapon; or Joshs friends who try to embarrass him into going along? Which strategies work best against each kind of pressure? Josh says it is more difficult to say no to a group than to one friend. Do you agree with him? If so, why? Do you think he should have tried to find an ally among the other kids? Libby says that if friends ask you to do something you think is wrong, eventually you have to let them know where you stand. If Josh had just refused to break into the swimming pool, do you think the others would have stopped being his friend? How would you have felt if you were Josh? If you were one of the other kids? Libby says that sometimes saying no can cost you the friendship. In what kinds of situations would you risk losing a friend by saying no? In the end Sarah was able to say no to Matt and keep his friendship. What strategies did she use? Did it seem difficult to do? Were you surprised that she could do it?

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SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES (1) Ask students to write about a time they: didnt say no to a friend because they were afraid of losing the friend; or said no and ended up losing the friend. Using the strategies and techniques described in the video, ask them to write about how they would handle the situation now. If they wish, have them write a short play and act out the situation with another student. (2) Ask a group of interested students to imagine themselves in this situation: You go to a party where a few kids are smoking and drinking beer, among them kids who are considered the most popular group in your grade. You dont want to join in, but your friend is tempted to because he/she wants to get in with this crowd. You dont want to leave the party and cant anyway because your parents will be picking you up at a prearranged time. How can you say no to the group? How can you say no to your friend? Have interested students say no using one of the following techniques: make a joke turn the tables talk it out change the subject find an alternative make an excuse -14-

 blame your parents refuse to talk about it (3) Distribute Handout #1 from page 18. After the students have completed the exercise, ask them to read out their responses. Compare the similarities and differences in the responses. List the various strategies used on the chalkboard. Distribute Handout #2 on page 20 to the students. Ask them to keep a log for two weeks of any situation in which they wanted to say no to a friend. Have them check-off whether or not they were successful--that is, if they were able to say no and keep the friend. If the situation was one in which the student decided it was better to end the friendship that should be considered a successful outcome. Ask them also to evaluate the difficulty of saying no and keeping the friend. At the end of the two weeks have them add up their successes and note the rating they gave each situation. Discuss whether or not they had more successes as the two weeks progressed? Was easier to do at the end of the two weeks? Distribute Handout #3 on page 22. Have the students cross out each word listed below the grid. The remaining letters in the grid spell out a message. Role-plays. Students will enjoy role-playing following the example of their on-screen contemporaries. Here are some suggested role-plays. You and your students may think of others. Guidelines that -15-

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may be helpful in generating good role-playing sessions are provided on page 5. It's time to go home from the beach. As you and your friend walk to the bus stop, his older brother pulls up and offers you a ride home. You're about to get into the car when you notice a six-pack of beer on the back seat with only one bottle left. The whole car smells of beer. You say you'll take the bus, but your friend insists that you get in the car. What do you say? You're very afraid of heights. On a class trip to a park, your friends decide to climb a very steep trail to a scenic overlook. You say you'd rather stay behind, explore the lakeshore and meet them afterwards. Your friends make fun of you and say that you'll ruin it for everyone if you don't go. What do you say? You and a friend want to go to the movies, but you don't have enough money. Your friend sees your little brother's piggy bank and suggests that you "borrow" some money from it. What do you say? A friend who like acting sees a notice about auditions for a community theater production in the next town. She asks you to come along for "moral support." You tell your friend that you can't take the train without permission. The train is leaving in ten minutes and there isn't enough time to call home. Your friend pleads with you and says "I can't do it without you. You have to come." What do you say? -16-

 Your older sister has an after-school job in a shoe store where she gets an employee discount. The discount is extended to all family members. Your friend, who wears the same size shoe as you, wants a pair of boots he's seen in the store window. He asks you to get the boots for him and tell your sister they're for you. What do you say? The dance committee is meeting at your house tonight to make posters for the spring dance. At the last minute, your mother calls to say she has to work late. Realizing that no one will be home, one of the kids lights up a cigarette and passes the pack around. What do you say?

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HANDOUT #1
Complete each scene so that you say no and keep your friend.

Directions:

(1)

BOBBY: YOU: BOBBY: YOU:

Lets take your brothers new CD to Johns party. We cant. Im not allowed to use his things without permission. Oh come on. Hes away for the weekend. Hell never know. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

(2)

CHRIS: YOU: CHRIS: YOU:

Im going down to the park tonight. Want to come? I hear the kids that hang around there smoke and drink beer. So? When are you going to grow up? ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

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PAT: YOU: PAT: YOU:

Theres a substitute in English today. Lets cut. Cut class? We could get in big trouble. Everybodys going to. Dont be such a goody-goody. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

(4) YOU: DYLAN: YOU:

DYLAN:

Im never going to pass the science final, unless you put your paper where I can see it. You want me to cheat! What are friends for? Id do it for you. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

HANDOUT #2

Directions: For two weeks keep a log of situations in which you have to say no to friends. Note whether or not you were successful--that is if you were able to say no and keep the friend. If you decided that it was best to end the friendship, consider that a successful outcome. Then rate how easy or difficult it was for you to do.

SITUATION

SUCCESSFUL Yes or No?

WAS IT Easy, Not So Easy, Difficult?

HANDOUT #3

Directions: The words below appear in this grid--across, up,down and diagonally ; forewards and backwards. Cross out each word as you find it. (STOP has been crossed out for you.) Some letters appear in more than one word. When you have crossed out all the words, the remaining letters will spell out a message.

E Y A W A L C O X A X A S D S E S T I N W O R E N V D S A Y D A N K K E

O O O F F

C T U O T

S X T X

K L A W S O
ALTERNATIVE COMPROMISE DISCUSS DOES EXCUSES GETS GO GUILTY LEAVE OFFENSE ONLY PARENTS

L E Y E F N L Y T L R I E N D I T Y O U R T S U
REFUSE RISE SEE STOP TALK IT OUT TEST

U S S L E A V E S T E G U F E R S P N S E L O

P X C N I T E E

I K L A T A

WALK AWAY WET WORK YELL AT

BIBLIOGRAPHY Espeland, Pamela and Rosemary Wallner. Making the Most of Today: Daily Readings for Young People on SelfAwareness, Creativity and Self-Esteem. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, 1991. (addresses
issues important to young people, including making choices and making friends; nonfiction for grades 59)

Fensterheim, Herbet, Ph.D. and Jean Baer. Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No. New York: Dell Publishing, 1975. (step-by-step guide to assertiveness) Hermes, Patricia. Friends Are Like That. New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1984. (torn between
loyalty to a longtime friend and the group of popular girls she longs to join, Tracy must decide what really matters in a friendship; fiction for grades 5-9)

McCoy, Kathy. Changes and Choices: A Junior High Survival Guide. New York: Putnam/Perigee, 1989.
(among other topics, offers a thorough discussion of friendships, school, and social situations; nonfiction for grades 6-9)

McFarland, Rhoda. Coping Through Assertiveness. New York: The Rosen Publishing Group, 1986. (Strategies teens can use to assert positive feelings; nonfiction for grades 6-12)

Scott, Sharon. How to Say No and Keep Your Friends: Peer Pressure Reversal for Teens and Pre-teens. Amherst, MA: Human Resources Development Press, 1988. (a handbook for resisting peer pressure;
nonfiction for grades 6-12)

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Schneider, Meg. Popularity Has Its Ups and Downs. New York: Julian Messner, 1991. (how to have good friends
and feel good about yourself; nonfiction for grades 612)

Slepian, Jan. Risk 'n Roses. New York: Putnam/Philomel, 1990. Smith, Manuel J. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantam Books, 1975. ___________. Yes, I Can Say No: A Parent's Guide to Assertiveness Training for Children. New York: Arbor House, 1986. Strasburger, Victor, M.D. Getting Your Kids to Say "No" in the '90s When You Said "Yes" in the '60s. New York: Fireside Press, 1993. (advice for the Baby
Boomers who are now parents)

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SCRIPT SARAH: Just let me check on my brother. Hes sleeping. Want to watch the movie? ANGELA: Sure. SARAH: I wonder who that is. MATT: Hi. SARAH: Hi..... Whatre you guys doing here? MATT: We came to watch the movie. SARAH: Here? No way. TITLE: SAY NO AND KEEP YOUR FRIENDS ANGELA: Sure.....Sarah come on, just forget about it. SARAH: Forget it? Everybodys gonna be at Matts graduation party but me. -26-

LIBBY: What's the problem? Anything I can help with? SARAH: I had a fight with this guy last night, who I happen to like, and who happens to be having a graduation party Im uninvited to. LIBBY: What was the fight about? SARAH: He and his friends came over to my house --Angela and I were babysitting for my little brother--and I had to ask them to leave cause I didnt have permission for them to be there. ANGELA: Ask them to leave! Youve got to be kidding. You should have seen what she did. She went crazy and started screaming and threw them out. Thats why Matts mad at you. SARAH: What else could I do? LIBBY: You know what else you could do? Wait a minute. Josh, are you coming to the meeting. JOSH: Yeah, Ill be there. -27-

LIBBY: Okay, sorry. Let me get this straight. He asked you to do something you couldnt agree to, you said no and because of that it ended up in a fight. SARAH: More or less. LIBBY: Does that happen a lot? SARAH: I guess. ANGELA: Me too sometimes. LIBBY: You know there are ways to say no to a friend without having a fight.....That gives me an idea. Its a really good topic for todays counselor-in-training session. Come on, lets get the group together. *** LIBBY: So, day camp starts on Monday. Everybody psyched? GROUP: Yeah.... LIBBY: Good. Today I thought we could talk about something we all deal with. Have you ever been in a -28-

position where a friend is asking you to do something you dont want to do. You say no and because of that, you end up in a fight? Does that sound familiar? DARRYL: Yeah....I think thats a problem lots of people have...not just kids. LIBBY: Youre absolutely right, Darryl. So thats what I thought we could talk about today. Heres my ideawell all think up different situations. It could be something that actually happened or something made up. And well role play--act out the situations--and see if we can find ways to say no and still be friends. Maybe learn some strategies. Got it? GROUP: Got it. LIBBY: So who wants to start? Okay, Ill think up the first one....Lets see. How about this? Suppose a friend is trying to talk me into having a party at my house. My parents are away and I know the rule--no parties. But this friend has told everyone the partys going to be at my house. How am I going to say no with-out having my friends get mad? Volunteers? JOSH: Okay, Ill be the one who wants to have the party. -29-

LIBBY: Great. Anyone else? Angela. How about if youre the one he asks? ANGELA: Me? LIBBY: Sure. Give it a try. ANGELA: Okay. LIBBY: And you can all interrupt with comments--constructive comments--any time. JOSH: So....uhm.....Angela. Everyones really looking forward to the party at your house Friday night. ANGELA: Gee....I dont think I can... JOSH: Oh, come on. You cant let everyone down. ANGELA: I dont want to, but...see... JOSH: But see what? Whats to see? ANGELA: (to group) I dont know what else to say. -30-

DARRYL: How about trying no. ANGELA: I already said that. SARAH: No you didnt. All you said was I dont think so.....but...uhm.. JOSH: And you dont look like you mean no. Youre looking all over the place. DARRYL: Yeah, you should look at him...in the eye. CARLOS: Let me try. I bet I can tell him no. JOSH: Were supposed to stay friends. Remember? LIBBY: Angela, try again. JOSH: So what time should we come over? ANGELA: Right.....Uhmthe party? See I dont think I can do it, because.....

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SARAH: You dont think you cant, you know you cant. Say what you mean. ANGELA: But I dont want him to be mad at me. LIBBY: So say it nice. ...Im sorry, but I cant have a party. ANGELA: Im sorry, but I cant have a party......Hey that wasnt hard. JOSH: Im not giving up so fast. Why not? ANGELA: Because I cant! JOSH: What do you mean you cant? I told everybody you would. Youre gonna make me look like a fool. ANGELA: See, I said no. Now hes mad. DARRYL Thats cause you said it so nasty--Because I cant. Hes your friend. Hes entitled to an explanation. ANGELA: So I should tell him why he cant come -32-

over.......Because Im not allowed to have a party when my parents are away. Thats why...and anyway.....I already made plans with Sarah to go to........I dont know what else to say. CARLOS: Dont say anything else. If you keep giving him reasons it sounds like youre making the whole thing up. LIBBY: You could have said it nicer though. JOSH: But well have so much fun. ANGELA: Now what? Hes right, it probably will be fun. DARRYL: So tell him hes right, but it doesnt change anything. CARLOS: Only stay nice. ANGELA: Yeah, youre right. It probably will be fun, but I still have to say no. Sorry, I hope you understand. - Hey, this is cool. LIBBY: Do you feel bad, like you hurt his feelings? -33-

ANGELA: No. LIBBY: Josh, are you mad at her? JOSH: I guess not--once she wasnt nasty--and explained things to me like a friend. LIBBY: So there are some good things to do. The first thing of course is dont yell. Youre talking to a friend, so sound like a friend. But you have to remember not to send mixed messages. Say what you mean-and say it like you mean it. PAUSE FOR DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

DARRYL: Excuse me for saying this, but big deal--telling someone you cant have a party. LIBBY: What do you have? DARRYL: A real problem. Like my friend Kevin who wants me to lie for him. CARLOS: What do you mean? *** -34-

KEVIN: You know that video game I rented last week? DARRYL: Yeah. KEVIN: Well see, I cant find it and the guy from the store called my father. DARRYL: Oh boy! Youre in trouble! KEVIN: He said that if I dont return it, Ill have to pay $75! DARRYL: $75 bucks! KEVIN: Yeah.....So I told my father I already returned it. DARRYL: But you didnt. KEVIN: Thats right. Thats where you come in. DARRYL: Me? KEVIN: You have to back me up. Tell the guy--and my father--that you saw me return it. -35-

DARRYL: What? You want me to lie to the guy from the store? KEVIN: Yeah. DARRYL: And your father! You want me to look your father straight in the eye and lie to him? KEVIN: You have to! Im not gonna pay $75 for that game. DARRYL: You have that kind of money? KEVIN: Yeah. From shoveling snow this winter. But Im gonna buy rollerblades, not pay for some stupid video game. DARRYL: And you want me to lie for you? KEVIN: Yeah. Come on. Id do it for you. You know I would. DARRYL: I dont know about this. KEVIN: If I dont get those skates, we cant play hockey. I -36-

wont be able to anyway, cause if I get caught in this lie, Ill probably be grounded all summer. Unless you help me out, of course. DARRYL: Wow.... KEVIN: So youll do it? DARRYL: I dont know. KEVIN: You dont know? Some friend you are! *** ANGELA: Isnt that the worst? When someone says Some friend you are or Id do it for you. JOSH: They make you feel so guilty. Like its your fault it isnt. Thats so unfair. SARAH: Yeah. And hes making it sound like its your job to get him out of his mess. LIBBY: How about the video guy? Hes out a $75 game. CARLOS: Darryl, are you going to do it? -37-

DARRYL: No. Thats the problem! I want to tell him no, but still be friends. ANGELA: Isnt there anything you can do--beside what hes asking--to help him out? DARRYL: Like? ANGELA: Like, do you think he really looked for the game? DARRYL: He says he did. JOSH: But its gotta be someplace. ANGELA: Hey, I got it. How about if you say youll help him look for it. You know, retrace what he did-really search for it. DARRYL: Thats not a bad idea. LIBBY: Actually, its a really good strategy. You say no, but you give your friend an alternative. Why dont you practice. Why don't you role-play. Carlos how about if youre Darryls friend, Kevin. -38-

CARLOS: Okay, DARRYL: Kevin, listen....I dont think I can do what youre asking. CARLOS: Whaddya mean!......Arent you my best friend? Maybe youre not. Thats what Im hearing. DARRYL: Heres the deal....I have an idea. CARLOS: Unless your idea includes backing me up, dont bother. DARRYL: No, listen. Did you look for the game? CARLOS: Of course. What kind of a jerk do you think I am? DARRYL: I mean really look. Cause the game could be in that mess you call a room and youd never know. CARLOS: Could be, but I did look. DARRYL: Heres my idea. How about if I help you clean up your room and then we could really search for -39-

the game. I bet its there--somewhere. CARLOS: Its worth a try...I guess. GROUP: Way to go, Darryl. DARRYL: Hey Im gonna try it......If Kevin doesnt go for it, at least he cant say I wasnt willing to help him out. LIBBY: Thats the whole idea. ANGELA: Sarah and I have a friend who would never give up as easy as that. SARAH: You mean Whitney? Oh wow. When she gets hold of an idea, she just goes on and on. ANGELA: It makes you just want to scream! And you know what? I do scream at her. A lot. CARLOS: Why are you still friends? ANGELA: Cause shes really fun and weve been friends forever. But I wish I had some other way to shut -40-

her down, without yelling. Because were always getting into fights. JOSH: Whats she like? ANGELA: Try this. The other day we were over at my house..... WHITNEY: I've got a great idea. Why don't we call one of those Fortune Teller Hot Lines? ANGELA: The 900 numbers? WHITNEY: Yeah. ANGELA: Are you crazy. Its real expensive. WHITNEY: How much can it cost? ANGELA: A lot. WHITNEY: No, it wont. ANGELA: Yes, it will......Im not doing it. -41-

WHITNEY: Oh, come on. ANGELA: No. WHITNEY: Its really cool. Believe me. ANGELA: No. WHITNEY: Why? ANGELA: I already said why. WHITNEY: Please. ANGELA: Stop it. WHITNEY: Just once? Hello. Hello.

ANGELA: Whitney! I said no! I mean no. WHITNEY: Why are you screaming? ANGELA: Because youre driving me crazy. -42-

WHITNEY: Im driving you crazy! Youre the one whos crazy! *** ANGELA: Thats how she is. It can be over a big thing or absolutely nothing. We wont talk for a day and then we make up. LIBBY: Let's see if we can help you out. SARAH: Theres nothing you can do with someone like that. Shes hopeless. JOSH: Did you ever try just telling her right off, Listen Whitney, I dont want to talk about this any more. CARLOS: How about changing the subject? Like when she says: Lets call the 900 number, you could say no and then, real quick, start talking about something else. SARAH: You think thatd work? With her one-track mind? DARRYL: Did you ever just try asking her why she wont stop? ANGELA: Well yeah, but by that time Im usually ballistic. -43-

DARRYL: So how about asking her before you go ballistic? When she says I dont know why you wont do it. You could say--calm like--I dont know why you keep going on and on. JOSH: Or: I dont know why you wont take no for an answer. Maybe that way you two can talk it out. CARLOS: You know what my sister does? She like shoots you this look .....You never know. DARRYL: Heres something I just thought of. When she asked to make that 900 call you were at your house right? ANGELA: Uh, huh. DARRYL And you didnt want to get stuck paying for it, right? So how about if you had said to her, If you think this is such a cool idea, how about if we make the call from your house. You know--kind of throw it back at her. LIBBY: See how many good ideas we just came up with. Refuse to talk. Change the subject. Try to talk things out. Give a look. Turn the tables. And all of those strategies might have prevented Whitney and you from having a fight. -44-

PAUSE FOR DISCUSSION QUESTIONS JOSH: Youre all talking about saying no to one friend. How about when its all your friends? And if you say no, you take the chance of being cut out for good. CARLOS: I know what you mean. Thats the worst. SARAH: Tell us. JOSH: Okay. See the other night a whole bunch of my friends were talking about going for swim in the town pool. The pool was closed, so of course we had to jump the fence. BOY 1: Come on. Lets go in. Itll be so cool. JOSH: Look at the sign. BOY 2: Yeah. So? JOSH: We could get in trouble for this. GIRL 1: Only if we get caught. -45-

JOSH: I heard last week some kids just missed getting picked up by the cops. BOY 1: Its probably just a story. JOSH: No. Its true. BOY 2: What is it with you? GIRL 1: Yeah. Stop being so negative. This could be fun. BOY 1: Were not gonna get arrested. BOY 2: When did you turn into such a chicken? GIRL 1: Come on Josh, help me up. What's wrong with you? *** SARAH: So what did you do? JOSH: What do you think? I went. CARLOS: Did anything happen?

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JOSH: No. The cops drove by, so we took off. But a neighbor saw us and told my mother and she said I better not do it again. She said, you know...just say no. Easy for her. DARRYL: Thats tough. JOSH: Heres whats tough. Were supposed to go back tonight. Like I really want to! Big deal--sneaking into the pool. Who cares? ANGELA: So dont go. JOSH: Oh right! Thatll do a lot for my reputation. LIBBY: How about role-playing the situation? See if we can come up with something to help Josh. DARRYL: Let me start. So how about we all go over to the pool--maybe you can't handle it? SARAH: Yeah....Josh, you in? JOSH: I dont know -47-

CARLOS: Why not? JOSH: We could get in trouble. CARLOS: Oh dear....Little Joshys scared hell get in trouble. JOSH: No, Im not. I just think..... --This isnt so easy. LIBBY: Try some of the strategies we just talked about. JOSH: Okay...an alternative.......How about we go to the movies instead? SARAH: Nah....We always do that. This is more fun. JOSH: Change the subject.....So, howd you do on the science test? I guess thats not gonna work.....I cant refuse to talk about it, thatd make me look even stupider. SARAH: How about making up an excuse? ANGELA: Blame it on your parents. That always works. Who can argue with you? -48-

JOSH: Lets see how that goes......Tonight? Oh wow, I forgot....we have to go to my Aunt Gertrudes house. Its like a family tradition. The first Tuesday of every month, off we go to good old Aunt Gerties! See you guys. GROUP: Aunt Gertrude? LIBBY: That was pretty funny. Actually making a joke is often the best thing you can do--if you can think of something funny. ANGELA: But making up an excuse can get you in trouble, dont you think? Suppose your friends find out? LIBBY: Thats true. SARAH: Sometimes an excuse is the best thing you can do. Like once with my friend Jamie. She bought me a present--the ugliest sweater you ever saw--and she wanted me to wear it to a party. I couldnt. Id die, its so gross. But I couldnt tell her that, so I said it was in the wash. Why would I hurt her feelings? LIBBY: Thats right, but Joshs situation is different. You have an honest reason for not wanting to go with -49-

your friends, right? Its risky, and its not worth getting in trouble for. JOSH: So youre saying thats what I should do? Tell them? LIBBY: Well, maybe this time an excuse will get you out of a tight spot, but if your friends keep asking you to do things you think are wrong, eventually youll have to let them know where you stand. PAUSE FOR DISCUSSION QUESTIONS CARLOS: What do you think you should do if its something really dangerous--and illegal? LIBBY: Like what? CARLOS: Like this *** KEITH: Im so bored. JILL: Yeah. I know.....lets think of something to do. CARLOS: Want to go to the rec center? We could play pingpong. -50-

JILL: Theres a thrill....I want to do something exciting. CARLOS: Nothing exciting ever happens here. KEITH: So how about we make our own excitement. JILL: Like what? KEITH: That big shiny car is just sitting there waiting for someone to drive it. JILL: My parents car? KEITH: Yeah, why not? You know how to drive, dont you? JILL: Yeah....I do it all the time. CARLOS: You do? JILL: WelI up and down the driveway. CARLOS: Did you ever drive? Really drive? JILL: No, but how different can it be? -51-

CARLOS: Isnt that like....illegal to take the car? KEITH: I dont think so. Not if its your familys. CARLOS: Its definitely illegal to drive without a license. KEITH: This is gonna be soooooo cool. JILL: Come on, help me look for the extra keys.....As long as were back in an hour, no onell ever know. KEITH: Great! CARLOS: So I thought... getting into a car with someone who not only doesnt have a license, but whos never really driven before is really dumb. We could get arrested. Arrested? We could get killed! JILL: Got the keys. Right here. CARLOS: Listen, Im gonna walk down to the rec center. KEITH: The rec center? Why? -52-

CARLOS: Why? Because taking the car is stupid. I mean really stupid. And if you were smart youd forget about it too. So you guys coming? ......See ya. *** CARLOS: Leaving was all I could think of doing. SARAH: I say you did the right thing. DARRYL: Are you still friends with them? CARLOS: No. They were mad at me, but it didnt matter cause I decided...who needs them. They were always getting in trouble. LIBBY: So sometimes saying no can cost you the friendship, but keeping the friend isnt always the best thing. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, Are these the kind of friends I want? PAUSE FOR DISCUSSION QUESTIONS LIBBY: So, what do you guys think? Did this help? GROUP: Yeah, that was good. -53-

LIBBY: Great. Everybody be back tomorrow. And get ready for Monday...first day of camp. Bye, see you later. SARAH: Boy, I wish I knew this stuff last night. Then maybe Matt would still be talking to me. LIBBY: What would you have done differently? SARAH: For starters, I wouldnt have gone berserk. I would have explained things. After all I had a perfectly good reason why they couldnt stay....... And I did feel bad about asking them to leave. I probably should have said that, too. LIBBY: Sure. Its always good to express your feelings. SARAH: You know how I would have handled it? As soon as they came to the door............ MATT: Hi. SARAH: Hi..... Whatre you guys doing here? MATT: We came to watch the movie. Angela said it was okay. -54-

SARAH: Here? Angela said that? If she did, she made a mistake. MATT: Come on. Let us in. We wont make any trouble. SARAH: Im sure you wont make any trouble, but I cant invite you in. MATT: Why not? SARAH: Because no ones home. MATT: No ones home. Even better. SARAH: No see, Im babysitting for my brother and I only have permission to have Angela over. So I cant invite you in. Im really sorry. MATT: But.......I thought we were friends? SARAH: We are friends. But if I let you stay, Im gonna get in really big trouble. I hope you understand. MATT: Well...okay -55-

SARAH: Have some popcorn for the road. And thanks for the invitation to your graduation party. See you. MATT: Thanks. See you at the party. *** SARAH: So maybe next time Ill do that. ANGELA: Sarah, look over there. It's Matt. SARAH: What do you think I should do? LIBBY: Why dont you go over and explain now. See if you can patch things up. SARAH: Okay, come on, Angela.

THE END

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