BUSINESS: The Ultimate Resource

April 2003 Upgrade #7

ACTIONLIST
Using Nonverbal Communication to Build Rapport
Getting Started
Nonverbal communication is not an exact science, although we sometimes make judgments as if it were. It uses a variety of means to convey meaning beyond what is actually being said. These include gestures, body movement, facial expressions, and even vocal tone and pitch. Many people believe that most meaning is conveyed through nonverbal signals, the majority of them from the eyes. This explains why its often hard to convey subtle meanings over the phone or through the written word. Because the person receiving your message cant see your body or face, your meaning may well be misinterpreted.

FAQs
How do I know when someone is bluffing? Usually, when people are communicating in a straightforward way, their nonverbals are consistent with their words. They say, Look over there! and reinforce the message by pointing simultaneously toward the intended focus of attention. Or they might admit Im unhappy about that, and their face and body droop too. When people are bluffing theres usually a disconnect between their gestures and their speech. Someone may claim, The deal is almost in the bag!but you notice a nervous body pattern, like the shifting of feet or the tapping of fingers. Unusual avoidance of eye contact or blinking of the eyes can also indicate an inconsistency, which communication experts call leakage. How do I establish rapport in a meeting attended by a lot of different kinds of people? One way of establishing rapport is by working the room. Suppose youre addressing a group of professionals from a podium. Make sure you seek information from everyone, acknowledge every contribution, give anyone who hesitates plenty of space, and support anyone who finds it difficult to speak in front of a group. If there are too many people in the room to pay attention to each one, invite contributions from those who seem most extroverted and establish a rapport with them. This will give the others confidence in your ability to connect with people. What if I inadvertently convey the wrong message? This happens, of course, particularly if you have a habit of using an expression or gesture that is commonly accepted to mean one thing and you really mean something different. A nervous laugh, for example, might indicate that you think youre being funny. You may, in fact, be trying to communicate something serious, but are simply
Bloomsbury Publishing Plc 2003

BUSINESS: The Ultimate Resource

April 2003 Upgrade #7

anxious. Training can help correct the most obvious quirks in your nonverbal lexicon. In the meantime it might help to acknowledge your idiosyncrasies publicly so people dont get the wrong impression. How do I know from someones body language when the person is getting angry, and what should I do? Tone of voice, subtle changes in facial expression, and gestures head the list of clues. For example, someone might start pacing up and down or banging the table while still smiling pleasantly to hide true but socially unacceptable feelings. Your reaction to anger depends on the situation and your personality. You can choose to try to calm things down or you may prefer to back off until the heat dies down. Whatever you do, try not to aggravate the situation. If you decide to pull back, analyze what happened and how you reacted. If you think you might have contributed to the persons anger, consider how you might do things differently next time. You may like to revisit the incident with the person later and try to work together on a way to communicate more effectively in the future. Im about to start a job in a very different work culture from the one Im used to. How can I avoid making mistakes in my new environment? There are lots of books about different work cultures and their various Dos and Donts. Briefly, however, make sure you take time to observe whats going on around you in your new environment and how the differences make you feel. Consider asking advice from someone familiar with the new culture who shares something of your own experiencethe person may be able to provide a useful communications bridge.

Making It Happen
Match and Mirror If you watch two people in relaxed, unself-conscious conversation, you may notice that their postures are very similar. Both may have crossed their legs or settled into their chairs in the same way. If they are eating or drinking, they may be doing it at the same rate. This is called matching or mirroring, and it occurs naturally between two people who feel that theyre on the same wavelength. Matching and mirroring can also be used consciously as a technique to achieve rapport with someone, but you need to be subtle. Exaggerated mirroring looks like mimicry, and the other person is likely to feel embarrassed or angry. Start by paying attention to what your counterparts do with their bodies in neutral exchanges. Try reflecting back the pattern of their nonverbal communication. Once this feels natural, see if you can take the lead by changing your body position and watch to see if they follow. Very often they do. Once you begin to get a feel for this technique, see if you can use it in a problematic situation. Perhaps youve never had much rapport with one of your coworkers. See if you can lead that person into a relaxed exchange by practicing the matching and mirroring technique. Speak the Same Language According to neurolinguistic programming (the science of tapping into the unconscious mind to reveal whats going on under the surface), language can indicate
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BUSINESS: The Ultimate Resource

April 2003 Upgrade #7

much about how an individual views the world. Some people are very visual, some are auditory or kinesthetic (tactile); others, though far fewer, understand the world primarily through olfactory (smell) or gustatory (taste) senses. You can establish rapport with people more effectively by paying attention to their individual preferences for visual, auditory, or kinesthetic cues. When youre talking to someone you dont know well, listen to the kinds of words he or she selects. The person might say something like, I have a vision of what this organization will look like in five years. I can see that it will take lots of energy to create whats in my minds eye. The words in italics indicate that this person is visual in constructing meaningand you can respond similarly: You build a very clear picture for me. I can see that this will be a challenge, but Im confident your farsightedness will enable you to reach your dream. An auditory person might say, I hear youve been promoted. You must have done a resoundingly good job!; you could respond, Yes, Ive been asked to sound out the market and prescribe some changes in the way we sell our products. Kinesthetic language uses words such as sense, feel, move toward, dynamic. Olfactory words include smell, odor, and fragrance, gustatory, bitter, sweet, and other taste-related words. When youre trying to establish a rapport with someone, using the same kind of language significantly enhances the level of mutual understanding. Listen Active listening is a rare skill, but its very effective in helping you establish and maintain rapport. It can also yield valuable information. Active listening is about demonstrating that you understand and are interested in what is being said. It requires good eye contact, lots of head nods, and responses such as I see, Mmmm, and I understand what you mean. In addition, a good active listener summarizes what has been said to demonstrate his or her understanding, and asks open questions such as, Can you tell me more about? and What do you think?. These questions encourage further communication and enrich what is being communicated. Interpret in Context Much has been written about nonverbal communication, especially about how to read body language. Body language may give insight into whats really going on, but always remember to interpret it in context. For instance, someone sitting in a meeting with his or her arms crossed might be feeling aggressive, reluctant, or disapproving. But perhaps the person is shy, cold, or feeling sick. Be cautious of jumping to conclusions without further information.

Common Mistakes
You Lack Subtlety People new to the techniques of nonverbal communication can be overenthusiastic practitioners. Observe yourself objectively to make sure you arent offending others by broadly mimicking their speech or behavior. Remember that most people instinctively send and interpret nonverbal signals all the time: dont assume youre the

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BUSINESS: The Ultimate Resource

April 2003 Upgrade #7

only one whos aware of nonverbal undercurrents. Finally, stay true to yourself. Be aware of your own natural style, and dont adopt behaviors that are incompatible with it. You Ignore Context Putting too much trust in your reading of someones nonverbals can lead to misinterpretation and misunderstandings. Understand the context in which the signals are being transmitted and think through the possible scenarios before jumping to conclusions. You Overemphasize Nonverbal Signals If you overemphasize your nonverbal signals in an effort to control your meaning, youre likely to look ill at ease. Remember that its very difficult to be convincing when your message conflicts with what you truly believe. The disconnect that experts call leakage is likely to show, raising legitimate suspicions about your trustworthiness. The best way to establish rapport using nonverbal cues is to be authentic in what you say, and your body language will reinforce that message naturally.

For More Information

Books: Axtell, Roger E. Gestures: The Dos and Taboos of Body Language Around the World. New York: John Wiley, 1998. Dimitrius, Jo Ellan, and Mark Mazzarella. Reading People: How to Understand People and Predict Their Behavior, Anytime, Anyplace. New York: Ballantine Books, 1999. Griffin, Jack. How to Say It at Work: Putting Yourself Across with Power Words, Phrases, Body Language, and Communication Secrets. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1998. OConnor, Joseph, and John Seymour. Introducing Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People. New York: Thorsons, 2000. Ting-Toomey, Stella. Communicating Across Cultures. New York: Guilford Press, 1999. Wainwright, Gordon. Teach Yourself Body Language. 2nd ed. Upper Saddle River, NJ: McGraw-Hill-NTC, 2000. Web sites: NLP training and resources: www.altfeld.com/mastery/seminars/desc-sb1.html The nonverbal dictionary of gestures, signs, and body language: http://members.aol.com/nonverbal2/diction1.htm PPI Business NLP, Business NLP site: www.ppimk.com Rider University Clinical Psychology Department: www.rider.edu/users/suler/bodylang.html

Bloomsbury Publishing Plc 2003