The past, the present= your future

When I counsel singles, I usually like checking them out from the premise of the past;
over time I have come to a conclusion that the past is a core determinant of the future.
When I counsel singles who have challenges with the issues of the heart, I ask them
questions relating to their past and over 80% of the time I discovered that the outcome of
their present challenges which can spill over to the future has a tie to it. Singles that have
challenges the most are those who have issues in the past which they have not taken care
off.

The past tells a lot about what the outcome of the future will be like; if you relate with
couples with successful marriages, you will find the relationship between two individuals
who learn from the past and do not live in it. If I will do a mathematical equation of the
correlation of the past to the present and future, it will look like this- The Past= The
Present= The Future. If you take away the past, a person’s life will simply have no more
meaning or direction.

Why is the past an antecedent to the future? I strongly believe that it is because the past is
where what we call experience come from; our accepted concept is that experience is the
best teacher, and so over 80% of our decisions in life come from the experience of the
past.

If a lady grew up in a home that her father is irresponsible and if her mum constantly
lament on the negligent nature of her dad; there are over 80% chances that she will not
have successful relationship with the opposite sex. The experience if she allows it will
form the basis of her world view of men and she will become prone to making mistakes
in the matter of the heart.

When I heard the story of Jane and the challenges she was having in her marriage, I knew
that her predicament stems from her experience from a father that is reckless. She had
developed the mindset that all men are irresponsible; that was the unconscious basis that
she related with the opposite sex. All the intimate relationship she had been involved in
before she got married (5) did not lead to marriage because the men just could not stand
her domineering attitude and her distrust for the male gender after a period of time in
their relationship. She got hurt whenever they left, and these seems to strengthen her
believe about men.

When she met Larry 4 years ago, he seems different. He had been raised in a home where
his mum was responsible for their upbringing after the demise of his father. He was more
patient, loving and understanding when she confided in him about the experience of her
mum. It was obvious that he loved her, and she did have the same feeling for him. A year
into the relationship they got married; however, to the dismay of her hubby she still did
not trust him after they had been married for 3 years and with two children.

When I related with him on the issue; I told him that the reason he got married to his wife
was because of the experience of his childhood. He got married to his wife because she
was raised by a strong woman like his own mum; everything about them seems similar
except the fact that his own dad was late. Another difference between them is that his
mum spoke well of his dad; though he had not known him (he was an infant when he
died), yet she had portrayed him as the best man that ever live, while Jane’s mum kept
banging it on the head of her daughters that men are not responsible.

Jane’s own problem was that she allowed her mum’s words and how she saw her dad
behave form a mindset that is wrong instead of learning from it. She should have learnt
that it was her mum’s bad choice of a partner that got her into the challenge they are in
rather than generalizing her opinion about men. That would have saved her from the
pains she went through in her first 5 relationships; her attitude which had made them
leave would have been different. The failure of those relationship had strengthen her
believe that men are truly irresponsible like her dad.

Their marriage is under undue stress because two people made decisions that came out of
their past experience instead of established rules.

I counseled a single once that was having challenges with keeping her relationship to the
stage of marriage; I told her to tell me about her relationship with her parents. She has a
cordial relationship with her mum, but she dislikes her father. Like story of Jane, she had
been raised by her mum, while her dad had not responsible in anyway for their
upbringing. I told her if she would ever have successful relationship that will lead to
marriage; she must first forgive her father. Then she will need to stop making the
experience of her dad a pivotal point in the way she relates with men; as long as she
concludes that all men are like her father, she would not stop having heartbreaks.

What is your past like? What pain have you gone through that seemed to be controlling
the way you view the opposite sex? If you do not take care of it, you will not see the kind
of relationship you desire come to reality. Let me use this expression; no one who walks
and keeps his attention to his back walks straight. Just as the direction of your head
determines where your whole body goes; the same goes for your mind. Someone says
that, ‘Our lives gravitate to the direction of our dominant thoughts.’ If your dominant
thoughts is that of the pain of the past, which is the reality you will keeping seeing in the
present and future.

What should you do with the past? Learn from it, and let it be. I am of the opinion that in
many matters of life, experience is never meant to be the best teacher. Experience should
teach; however, it should not be made the reality because what walked for an individual
may not do the same for another. If you treat your new flame like the old one, you will
get different result because they are two different unique individuals. Learn from the past;
extract the juice like when you squeeze and orange, then throw the rest away instead of
keeping it.

When a single that comes to me for counseling has experience a heartbreak, what I ask
them is what they have learnt from it. What they have learnt from that experience is far
more than what they have lost, because it will help guard them against similar one. Life is
like a classroom; the past is one of the classes you have to pass its examine to move to
the next class. If all you hold on to is the painful experience instead of the lesson, you
will keep repeating the mistakes over and over again. Your experience will be like the
vicious cycle; you are neither moving forward.

Everyone that reads this write up has the right to prove me wrong; people who have gone
through heartbreaks over and over again are those who did not sit down to understudy
why their relationship failed in the first place. They are the type of people who see their
ex lovers as the one to blame for all of their predicaments without pointing an accusing
finger in their own direction. So when they experienced their first heartbreak, instead of
taking a break to look critically on why it failed, they only concentrate on the pain. They
rush into another to relieve the pain, only to get hurt again.

How is your present life like? If you are not enjoying any aspect of it, ruminate on the
past event that may have lead to the present predicament; learn from it and leave the rest.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue? Send a text and get a response;
your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495
www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com