Greeting My Child.

Today I can emphatically say that I am angry. What is gone wrong with
adults? The insensitivity shown towards my child or for that matter
other children simply makes me want to strangle them; don’t be
fooled my exterior that is smiling benevolently. What has got my
blood boiling you ask?

The thing is that most evenings, my daughter wants to go to my wife’s

office to pick her up. As this happens to be after work hours of the
bank, my child loves to play around in the open spaces of the bank
with no one around to stop her while my wife finishes her day’s quota
of work and closes down for the day. All this is fine but take for
instance yesterday. On the way in, first we meet the guard who keeps
the doors locked and permits only known people to enter. He greets
her with a big smile but these words – “Hullo. Who do you want to
meet? Your mother? But your mother is not there; the bank is closed.”

You can see the excitement that was shining on the face of the child
disappear and concern wash over. I am angry but say nothing. Will it
serve any purpose to teach the gentleman that this is not a good way
to greet the child by scaring him/her? Where is the fun in this
greeting?

Do we as adults greet other by saying things like – Hullo you know your
wife just left with another man/ or Did you know your father just
locked you out of the house and went away? We do not think this
proper, do we? Or funny? Then why do we feel this is amusing when
we deal with the child who is supposed to be learning from us through
our behavior?

Let’s get back to our story. Then we enter the bank and there another
lady colleague is encountered and all she has to say is – “Hullo, baby,
where are you going? Your mother is not there! My poor child is now
upset and looking at me. I wink at her and keep my mouth closed
although I am seething inside. I quietly pull her away and we walk on
and enter the big hall where my wife has her desk but she is not at in
her chair. Her colleague who is sitting nearby and well known to the
child says to my daughter: “Oh you have come for your mother? But
she is not there.” My child is now really more than upset. Thank God
that she does not so easily trust anybody. She holds my hand tight in
concern. I tell her that mummy has gone to the toilet and she will be
here soon. This time I show my displeasure but only in my eyes as I
make it clear that I am not happy at seeing him. But did he get the
message or just thought of me as uncouth.

The worst is yet to come. Some new recruits were around. My

daughter had just painted a wooden house and was eager to show her
handiwork, which she does to her mother. The new recruit, a young
lady of some merit, asks my daughter who made it. And of course she
says, I made it. With her limited vocabulary to her “make” “paint” all
are the same. The young lady shows her adultness by remarking “No
you did not make it. You are lying”. A straight accusation without a
second thought. I dare to do the same with another adult. I was livid
with disgust.

Had it not been in the bank, and out of consideration for my wife, I
would have lashed out at these so called wise and intelligent adults of
the human race. What’s with these adults? Is this all they know about
talking to children? Is this their idea of a joke (sic)? Are these the
people who are setting shining examples for the next generation? God
save this human race!
Keep your distance

It started with a man I saw lifting his hand to intimidate a school girl
outside the school when I go to drop my girl. This enraged me and I
could not resist intervening. But wonder of wonders, before I could
get going, my wife who fears for my well being and is afraid that one
of these days I shall get beaten up butted in and started shouted at
me to shut up and mind my own business. This certainly gave the man
enough support to put up a show of indignation and show some more
of his violent side. Not only that, others around rallied to cool me
down and indirectly ended up giving even more moral support to the
perpetrator of the action. Well, this shows how well we feel towards
children who cannot fight back both due to their size and the
overwhelming authority adults have; and our sense of psychology of
the situation and values.

But things went further. My wife was more than just vexed and
showed it. She called me psychologically unhinged and rued the day
she hitched her star to mine and so on so forth. This was not simply
getting annoyed and angry. I felt there was something else behind it.
Again for the umpteenth time I noticed that this became an excuse for
my wife to assert her independence as an individual and separate
entity.

This will require some preamble explaining as to what I am getting to.

I have had this thought floating for many years that though we want
closeness, hunt for affectionate relationships and love affairs yet do
not really ever open the doors to our whole selves. My education in an
Ashram made me sensitive to this issue early on but I have begun to
understand it only lately after marriage and having to live with my
mother after my father’s death.

I recognize this fact because I could sense it in me. So I made it a

point to study myself and others more closely. It is obvious that what
we consider to be our “SELVES” is a very egocentric persona and not
very stable at that. Every time closeness would develop in a
relationship I would get a funny, not-so-comfortable apprehension
that by merging my self in the relationship I would lose my entity as a
person. It was like an undercurrent of unexplained discomfort and I
would then do some thing stupid that would ensure that the
relationship did not cross a fine point and most often would then fade
away.

This experience is explained in many philosophical and meditative

techniques. Just imagine letting ourselves go and becoming one with
the universe; will our SELF still exist? But it is a fact that when we let
our selfish selves go we do feel a release and a friendlier atmosphere
builds up around us. But this is not an easy thing to experience or
bring into being by mere thinking and wanting. A certain amount of
self-transformation is required. Even people who go for it consciously
thru meditative and yoga techniques tend to falter at the crucial
moment. So if my wife gets scared whenever a “closeness” begins to
develop, I am not surprised. This is a very unconscious happening. Few
would agree to it and would never admit to going thru it. But the
subconscious has many tricks hidden at its core. The newer
generations is showing it more openly; laced with gadgetry they feel
secure in their aloneness, even a bit superior, fully confident that
they can manage perfectly by their lone selves as if enclosed in a
block of ice.

I have seen this happening mainly with mentally advanced, city bred
people, especially if they have the good luck to have succeeded by
the material world’s standards and their egos have had the pleasure
of getting inordinately inflated. These people are difficult at the best
of times but transform into veritable hissing anacondas if crossed.
Every little irritation is magnified into a show of opposition as if
attacked then logically merits an exemplary retort and retaliation. In
this mood every word uttered or gesture is calculated to cause
grievous hurt. Often pots and pans fly. It is a good exercise to make
you grovel and remind you of your place in the equation. You can
forget peace, quiet and affectionate hugs.
 A woman scorned.

Today when I opened the papers, the first thing that put a smile on
my face was a comic strip and a piece of news. I was thoroughly
amused. It was also proof that the world was in agreement and in
tune with me in many ways. A few days back I was talking of the anger
in relationships and how wives can come out with a thunderous clap
on the slightest sign of scorn being hinted.

What constitutes nagging and scornful exhibition has not been

documented yet. From the comic strip, it would seem that everything
said or hinted in contradiction constitutes a scornful act which is
absolutely unacceptable. In this comic strip the sentence “Hell hath
no fury like a woman scorned” was being elaborated. The fuming
woman was serving dinner and telling her husband –“After a whole day
at my job I come back and bake you these potatoes. Saying no thank
you will NOT DO!” The news item was more specific. The man had
become so fed up by the nagging of his wife that he put her up for
sale; we are to believe that they were newly weds too. And wonders
of wonders, there were buyers ready too. The wife on her side had a
simple explanation: “I don’t think I nag him. He just doesn’t do what I
want him to”.

What a quandary this is. We all know what others are going thru in
marriages and we have all made efforts to find mates. The best that
can be said about it all is that the chase was more interesting than
the catch. I don’t not know about the others because arranged
marriages cut out the chase and fun and the joint family dampens the
spirit yet this very dampening keeps the joy of finding your girl alone
for yourself for a moment is akin to the chase which goes on and on so
I believe the charm of mating lasts longer.

Jokes apart, there is a kernel of truth in the above pleasantries.

Women are designed to be appreciated; she is to be appreciated and
be seen as the centre of your little universe and forget the rest as
crap. She is never wrong or at fault. Get this in your puny head. Any
time you fail to give signs of unfailing praise, you have legally and
literally scorned her. And that brings down the axe with all its
dangerous aftermath. In a pique they may really even leave you so
beware. But normally they are more pragmatic than that. They stay
and keep you groveling and making it clear what position you enjoy in
the equation. You can want to run away but where will you go?
Let go and let live

This subject keeps popping up every now and then. How parents
maintain control and run & ruin the lives of their children till “Death
doth them part” is a perennial source of many miseries. You won’t
need a magnifying lens or lantern to find people who practice strict
hold on the psyche on their children and for that matter anywhere
they can at home or work. I see this attitude so fairly common that I
decided to put down some of the conversations I have had for all to
note.

Here is one of the conversations:

Dear PK, I learnt a lot by your remark - "don't try to teach the
world".

One of my close relative has been into alcoholism for the last 25
years, his wife and children have left him ages back, and he stays
with his mother.

Both of them share a very close bond and in spite of him being in
the habit of abusing his mother...even at such an old age,
separation does not seem a viable solution, nothing seems to
work....can you suggest any way out?

My response:
I don’t think anything will work now.
He has decided that he will forever be a baby. His mother is
promoting it.
These are cases in which mothers are responsible for the low
esteem and childishness promoted right from the day one is born.
Generally speaking, the misery he will go through when his mother
is not there is just frightening.
You will have to let destiny play its part. Anyone who interferes
will only burn his fingers.

Mothers can be very possessive, fathers very domineering and bosses

dictatorial. Humans find it very difficult to let go. The misery that
entails is rarely understood by those perpetrating it. The very psyche
of the child is pummeled into a blob of jelly. The indigestible truth is
that the influences of these parents goes on and on into many coming
generations as their children perpetuate the same tendencies.

Here I give the essential extracts from another conversation:

Question:
Considering history and events that mankind chooses to write/record
as history, humans are a warring species, a cruel species, capable of
any atrocity. Yet we have all learnt by experience that in
relationships a little appreciation goes a long, long way.
People who erroneously believe they can bludgeon or humiliate a
partner into some form of submission are so far out of sync with
reality . . . yet it is common; why is that?

Response:
It is the feel of indestructibility and power at work. Humans have a
cruel streak. The elements of vanity and arrogance make them
vulnerable. Whenever and wherever they get a chance to exercise
their power over others, they do - often with sadistic tendencies;
from Dictators downwards to the clerk, from the patriarch to the
cook, from Director in a school to the bully… just about everyone.

Normally we are born with a lot of kindness but the harsh condition
the child meets later changes the basic nature in many different
ways. As the child grows older it learns to protect itself and then it
absorbs behavior patterns from his immediate surrounding and learns
to do things the way it sees others doing it. Until the child is also
shown and taught that kindness can bring in more rewards than brute
sadistic action, the child will never know better. It is all a matter of
exposure and examples set by peers.

The hold of the subconscious is very strong and most of the time it is
quietly & surreptiously running the show. That is why we need to be
careful with what children might be absorbing. Kind and loving
parents, even indulgent ones but firm on the “Ten Commandments”
create the best foundations.
Unfortunately in real life the opposite is more apparent.

Criticizing instead of softly correcting, scolding/beating and doing

the thinking for the child instead of letting him discover and play;
thereby preempting him at every point are the worst things that
leave indelible marks and form his adult nature. Experiences from
the time the child is born get stacked up in the subconscious and
influence his persona forever afterwards. It is a chain reaction of
habits and tendencies that goes on and on from generations to
generations.

First we do not permit the child to flower; clipping his wings at every
step. Then we weaken him emotionally by acting as crutches and then
we complain that our children are no good, irresponsible and
spineless; we even wonder if ever they will grow up. First we stunt
their personalities and then ask them to go and make a mark in the
world –and that too in our image. How myopic can one get?

It has been my contention that we should learn to let go after the age
of 40 and after 60 the letting go should be total; easier said than done
though. Not only let go but even withdraw from controlling interests;
continuing to live fully at the personal level but ready for the
transition that has to come eventually sooner or later.

I have seen many marriages ruined or broken, many promising careers

spoilt, many disturbed kids - all because of the interfering & meddling
from parents; many family owned businesses that go bust because the
old man at the helm would not make the changes with the times and
the next generation was never groomed properly to take over.

It is so sad to see people who have had their day clinging to every
vestige of their younger self, their positions and possessions; anxious
and sleepless as to what will happen after them.

The graveyard is full of people who thought of themselves as

indispensable.

What shall we call this? The human comedy or human tragedy!

Dead or Alive

Would somebody tell me how valuable I am? Am I more valuable dead

than alive?
You would of course say “alive”. Truly you would say I am asking a
pointless and silly question. Very well, then would you explain to me
why nobody could find time to visit Mr. X when he was alive but all
turned out to pay him “respect”(sic) when he finally called it a day?
Am I being silly then? Now my own time is not too far off. I was
reflecting on my own life. I did the unpardonable by living by my
principles and whims instead of the community’s and was rather stark
in my annoyance if anyone crossed the line beyond reasonable limits.
So today I have the pleasure of rarely receiving anyone from the
family; even the ones who found me “super” when younger. They
remember my indiscretions, my frank and outgoing speeches and think
I am best kept at a distance which suits me fine (I suppose they are
afraid I will contaminate the minds of their children).

The other day I was talking to my wife on this subject and I told her
when my time comes would she have the guts to ask people to leave
me alone in death as they had done in life? I would definitely want it
so.

I do wonder why we give so much importance to death and make it

such a grim and solemn affair. After-all the departed one could not
care less and he could be in no way sad about the turn of events.
There is this uppermost enigma in my mind as to why we reserve the
eulogizing for the dead while the living ones get all the contemptuous
glances and more? There is no love lost before death and after it there
is nothing but it. If anyone is looking for proof of the basic elemental
dishonesty in human nature one has to simply visit a wake. All their
lives those who were dying to hear a kind word have to literally die to
hear one!
Hidden Messages

But this was also a pointer to how we complicate our lives by assigning
meanings to things by letting our imaginations roam and fly of the
handle. How we interpret situations with angles that are not there.
What could be the reason behind it?

One reason comes explicitly to mind to me because I have used it as a

gambit in the game of life. Others there may be but would not be so
clearly obvious. It is that we want the other guy to say something
specific and as we can’t put words in his mouth we goad him to come
out with it by purposely taking the route of misunderstanding. We use
the part accusation and part hurt-my-feelings style. The ploy is to
show that we have misunderstood by accusing him indirectly or (why
not) directly. In his defense and to keep the goodwill alive the other
person then is sort of obligated to say something nice and
reconciliatory which is more in line to what we want to hear

For this purpose the sentence “So you mean to say……..” to start an
accusation works very well. After this sentence is in the air, the
respondent has no other recourse but to go on the defensive and
explain his point in very “EGO calming” tones. A lot of people have
perfected this as an art. In many I have noticed this has become part
of their persona. Don’t’ fall for it.

Anyway, generally speaking I have seen the turmoil and tragedies we

humans create by being ambiguous; sometimes just for the cleverness
of it. If we could only be clear and precise at all times. If we make it
a habit which others will soon recognize, we would soon avoid so
many unpleasant situations.

True, we may lose many acquaintances who waste our time and
opportunities that would have perhaps brought us loss or fatigue but
we may also be more contended and I think it is all worth it. True
friends never go away; rather they relish the candid truth.

Clarity of expression is avoided only where heightened egos are at

play. And when these are around, peace and happiness or great
achievements never take place. Although I have to admit in the need
for tact in life threatening situations it is better to lie and play the
game then get into an ugly situation for nothing.

But whatever one may say I would rather do without all this
complicated stress with a dagger pointing at me, calculating at all
times what is to be said and what left unsaid and how to say it. I say
just let it rip but do not let any hint of malice in your words or
attitude; unfortunately this is the stuff of saints and most humans
would only scoff at me.