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“You know that reminds me of a story!”

By

Jerry Cooper

Dedicated to two very special people, my father Carl and


my sweet wife Cindy.

Preface

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Growing up I was subject to years of listening to tales filled with enormous humor.

My father would fill the air with laughter with his jokes and stories. As I grew I

developed a love for the fine art of joke telling.

Years past and as frequently happened, times would present them selves for me to

share a story or two. For me it just takes a word or phrase to spark the old memory

banks and there it was, a joke, just like that out of the blue. Strangely through it

wasn’t “hey did you hear the one about?’ It was always “you know that reminds

me of a story”.

I didn’t realize the frequency I used the phrase until one day a group of us were

sitting around talking and at one point a coworker said “doesn’t that remind you of

a story?” It did so I proceeded.

Over the years I have logged into my memory banks many jokes and stories. All of

which can be rated PG at worst.

My hope is that this collection will bring as much enjoyment to you as it does me

to share them with you. Because you know it does remind me of a story!

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INDEX

Chapter 1 The early years ………………………………….4

Chapter 2 The old timers…………………………………....12

Chapter 3 The animal kingdom…………………………….20

Chapter 4 The “DUH” chapter……………………………..26

Chapter 5 Kaleidoscope..………………………...………....43

Chapter 6 Religious Humor………………………...……....65

Chapter 7 Stories for the Holidays………………….......….71

Chapter 8 How long is this thing?.........................................75

Chapter 9 One Liner’s………………………………….…..81

Chapter 10 Life reminds me of a story………………….….85

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Chapter 1
The early years

Do you remember sleep overs and hanging out with your best friends? Your are

laying there long after the lights have gone out, and someone tells the first joke.

How simple they were and yet you would laugh. The next thing you know the

giggle takes over. With each joke (every one trying to out do the others) the

laughter got louder and you couldn’t stop. Hours would pass with the occasional

“you kids keep it down in there!” But man, were they the best times? Life was

simple and so were the jokes!

So let’s go back to those days and recall the humor of youth and the stories it

reminds me of.

In these stories Jimmy seemed to get all the attention! “Why did Jimmy through

the clock out the window? To see time fly!!!” Or “why did Jimmy through butter

through the window? To see a butter fly!”

Jimmy – “Mommy I’m getting tired of going in circles!”

Mommy – “Be quiet or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

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Jimmy – “Mommy what do vampires eat?”

Mommy – “Hurry up and eat sweetie before your soup curdles!”

The other biggies of the times were the famed “Knock-knock jokes”. Who can

forget: “knock knock”

Who’s there?

Dewayne!

Dewayne who?

Dewayne the tub I’m dwowning!

The following is to be done while twirling your hand over your head!

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Yeah!

Yeah who?

What are you some kind of cowboy?

Then there is the ever annoying:

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Banana!

Banana who?

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Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Orange!

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana!

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Boo!

Boo who?

Don’t cry it’s just a joke!

Of course after telling your favorite joke you friends gave you one of these: “Man

that was as funny as a screen door in a submarine!” Then it was your turn “Oh ya

well yours was as funny as a giraffe with a sore throat!” Or you might have used

“an elephant with a runny nose!”

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My wife’s favorite joke of those times is told about a large herd of cattle standing

in a field when a terrible storm comes in, the winds a gusting harder and harder to

the point that all the cows blew down to the ground. The bulls were left standing.

After the storm the cows were curious as to why the bulls didn’t fall down? “Hey

weebles wobble but we don’t fall down!”

While we are in the early years, it seems a good place to tell the stories about the

“early years”. In these stories Johnny is the champion of these tales.

The teacher was asking her class one day to use the word “definitely” in a

sentence. Mary raised her hand “The sky is definitely blue!” “Well,” said the

Teacher, “that is true but in the early morning or late in the evening it is red or

purple so you can’t say it is definitely blue.” So Billy raises his hand “Trees are

definitely green!” Again the Teacher answered “That is correct except for in the

fall when the leaves turn red and gold, so you can’t use definitely in the sentence.”

Johnny raises his hand and internally the Teacher cringes because Johnny can

really come up with some off the wall stuff, but she calls on him anyway. “Teacher

do farts have bumps?” In shock the Teacher responds “NO Johnny farts do not

have bumps!” “Well then I definitely crapped my pants!”

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The teacher didn’t learn her lesson the next day she asked the class to use

“Rotterdam” in a sentence. It came to the point where she had to call on Johnny.

“Okay Johnny lets hear your sentence?” “Well” he said, “You see that girl back

there? Well she stole my gum and I hope it will ‘Rotterdam” teeth!”

We, at least those of us who are parents, have been in those situations where

Johnny comes home from school and ask “Mommy where did I come from?” The

mother in a bit of panic thinking “Where do I start? Do I really want to get into this

or let his father?” Well Johnny was very persistent so Mom gave him the whole

“birds and bees” story. When she was finished Johnny responded “Wow! Billy is

from Texas!”

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her

psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're

stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,

“Do you think you're stupid Little Johnny?” “No, ma'am, but I hate to see you

standing there all by your self.”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his

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mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter,

mommy, give up?”

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called

'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC,

FOX, ESPN, and the CARTOON Network!”

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station

where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a

wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to

capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his

picture?'

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father

moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and

rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that

before I buy the horse is healthy.” Little Johnny, looking a little concerned said

“Dad, I think the UPS man wants to buy mommy!”

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To be fair Johnny wasn’t the only one who was getting attention. Mary Jane was

out walking through the field one day when she came across a daisy growing up

through a cow pie. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew that little flower

couldn’t do that much!

Two young boys were exploring is the woods in their new town and unknowingly

wound up at a nudist colony. Looking over the fence while perched in a tree they

spied a beautiful young lady. “Wow Tommy look at that” Bobby whispered. “Yeah,

man that’s something” Tommy whispered back. “Just think what she would look

like in a sweater!” (Ah the innocence of youth)

A thoughtful 2nd grader brought his teacher a beautifully wrapped present for

Christmas. “How nice, what is it?” she asked. “Oh you have to guess” responded

the lad. With that she picks up the box and shakes it. “This is tough. Is it candy?”

“No.” So the teacher sits the box down and notices a trickle of liquid coming from

one of the corners. “Oh I am so sorry, I must have broken something. So what is it?

She dips her finger in the liquid and sniffs. “Is it perfume?” “No” the boy answers.

The teacher then dips her finger in and tastes the liquid, “Is it some kind of drink?”

“No” responds the impatient lad, “It’s a puppy!”

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My sons were having a great time with this next although I can not figure out why?

A lady put a pan of muffins into bake. When she closed the door a muffin spoke up

“Is it hot in here or is it just me?” A second muffin screamed “AAAH a talking

muffin!”

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Chapter 2

The Old Timers

As I said in the preface, I grew up in a home where stories and jokes were common

place. The oldest joke I know was in a letter that was written from my father to his

sister during WWII. There were several jokes in the letter but this was the only

one I was allowed to have.

It was in the middle of a fierce bombing raid in France; 2 GI’s were sharing a fox

hole. Joe decided he just couldn’t wait any longer and had to go. His companion in

the hole felt the same impressions, so for safety they went to the same bush

together. The bombing was increasing. “Rough night” remarked Bill. “Yeah, pretty

rough” answered Joe. “So, are ya scared?” “Na I’m not scared!” “Are ya sure,

cause it’s ok if ya are?” “I told ya Bill I’m NOT scared!” “Then Joe, why are ya

wiping my butt?”

My dad also had a way of telling certain jokes when I was around him and his

buddies. I’m not sure but I think they were directed me. One in particular comes to

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mind. A guy had just had his tires rotated and was on the way home when he

noticed his right front tire was coming loose so he pulled over in front of this

mental hospital to check things out.

He became much frazzled when he found that he was missing all of the lug nuts on

the front wheel. In a frantic state he yelled out “What do I do?” An old man, a

resident of the hospital, who had been watching the whole thing yelled out “Hey! I

think I can help.”

The response back was “Old man you obviously are in no condition to give me

advice!” “Well,” said the old man, if it was me I’d take a lug nut off of each of the

other wheels and put the three of them on the front wheel.”

The driver of the car stopped in his tracks, “Wow old timer that will work! How

did you know that?” “Well they didn’t put me in here cause I am an idiot!”

Stories like that I could slide off my back; not like the one time I over heard a guy

talking about his son saying “I love my son don’t get me wrong, but I swear the

only thing he has a head for is to keep the inside of his ears from rubbing.”

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Like the title of the book, talking about my dad “reminds me of a story”. In fact it

reminds me of several stories about “old timers”.

It was a warm summer’s evening and this elderly couple was sitting on the front

porch when all of a sudden the wife reaches over and slaps her husband. Startled

by this unprovoked act the husband responded “What the heck was that for?”

“That’s for being such a terrible lover all these years!”

They went back to swinging in silence when all of a sudden the husband hauled off

and hit his wife. Knocking her out of the swing, on to the floor then she rolled on

to the ground. She picked her self up dazed and confused and yelled out “What in

heaven’s name was that for?” “That’s for knowing the difference!”

One of the things I enjoy watching is older couples going downtown. After several

years together, they go every where together. The other day I saw this older

gentleman holding his wife’s arm as they were leaving the doctor’s office and I

was reminded of story of this couple who had gone in for their annual physicals.

Jim went first and when the doctor came in he told Jim that he checked out ok.

“So Jim is there any concerns you have?” “Well” said Jim “I do have one.” “I’m

having some trouble with my sex life.” “Jim” said the doctor “It’s a natural thing

for a man your age to have some problems, but tell me about it.” “The last two

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times have been the worst. The first time I got over heated, I broke out into a

sweat, could barely breathe. The next time I got chills and felt like I was freezing.”

“I am sure you are ok” said the doctor, “Like I said you checked out fine.”

Marge was next and like Jim, she checked out fine. Before she left the doctor asked

“Marge have you noticed anything different about Jim?” “What do you mean?” she

asked with a little concern in her voice. The doctor explained to Marge Jim’s fear

about his sex life and how he was hot one time and got chills the next. “Oh for

heavens sakes” declared Marge “that is so simple; the first time was in August and

the second time was in February.”

Then there was the couple who was going out to dinner and walked into a café

when a rude young waitress met them at the door with “You old folks have had it!”

“We have, well then what do we owe you?”

One day Margaret decides to put a little pizzazz into her husband’s day by meeting

him at the door wearing nothing but her birthday suit. When Fred opened the door

there stood Margaret. “What is that all about?” Fred questioned. “It’s my birthday

suit!” “Well it needs a pressin.”

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To change the subject, I use to work with this older gentleman who was at that

stage where he was, how I like to put it parting his hair “REALLY” wide. He said

to me one day “You know it isn’t fair, when we go to the barber he will charge us

both $10.00 for a hair cut!” I told him $8.00 of his bill was “Finders Fee”. This

conversation would lead into the next story about the older gentleman who sat

down in the barbers chair and as the barber looked at his balding head he ask “Just

what can I do for you today?” “Well, just give me a trim.” So the barber gently

trimmed the man’s three hairs. “There you go” said the barber. With a huff the old

man asked “well aren’t you going to comb it?” “How would you like it?” “Part it

on the side”. So the barber put some oil on his hands then gently laid 2 hairs to the

side and one fell out. “Sir, I am sorry but one of your hairs fell out, what should I

do?” “Just part it down the middle then!” As the barber attempted to do so the

second hair fell out leaving one lone hair. A little afraid of what might happen next

the barber informed the man of the tragedy “Sir I am very sorry but another hair

fell out.” “Well then just leave it a mess!”

This opens up some bald jokes I have heard. The first one came from a bald guy

who said that God created a few perfect heads, all of the rest he covered with hair!

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Then there is the one that says that guys that are bald in front are thinkers and guys

that are bald in back are lovers. The guys that are bald all over just think they are

lovers!

An aging Indian man was leaning against a light post when a good looking woman

parked her car in front of the curb. As she passed the old Indian he looked and

spoke “UM chance!” The lady look but kept on walking. As she passed him on her

way out again the response “UM chance!” This time the lady stopped, “Hey, I

thought all you Indians said How?” He responded, with a slight smirk on his lips

“Me know how just want um chance!”

The time had arrived for the family to put grandpa in a home. The family took him

to the home of choice and after the tour they sat him down out side the admissions

office. “Now you wait right here while we sign the papers.” The daughter went

inside. A little later grandpa started leaning to the right, a passing nurse saw what

was going on, grabbed a pillow and propped him up straight. The next time she

passed she noticed he was leaning to the left so she grabbed another pillow and

propped him up straight again. Sometime later when she passed she noticed he

was leaning forward. This time she came back with a strap and tied him back to the

bench. After the paperwork was complete and they were headed home the daughter

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asked “What’d you think Dad?” “Well it’s a nice enough place but the sure won’t

let a feller lean over and fart!”

Not to long after an engineer retired from many years of service, the company had

need of his services so they called him in as a consultant. He told them how to fix

the problem and sent him a bill for $50,000.00. The owner had a real issue with the

amount and asked for an itemized bill. When the bill was received it read:

“Marking the spot to drill hole - $1.00. Knowing where to drill hole - $49,999.00”

A very spry 95 year old lady was asked in an interview about how her children

were doing her response was “Well now that I have them all in a nursing home

they are all doing fine!”

An old farmer came in from chores one morning and his wife was cooking

breakfast. She broke two eggs into the skillet then turned to her husband, “Make

love to me.” “Okay”, he responded. “No I mean make love to me now!” “Well

okay” came the excited response. When it was over the man stood up “What was

all that about?” To which came the response “My egg timer is broken.” (Ouch)

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Roy Rogers had an old crony side kick named Buster. He came in late one

afternoon, clothes all messed up, ripped and torn, he was a mess. Roy came to the

rescue “Buster what happened?” “Ah that old mountain lion attacked me. I’m ok

but he ate my brand new shoes. When I get healed up I’m going after him.” A few

days later out in the timber the pair came up on the mountain lion sunning him self

on a ridge. Roy pulled up his rifle and took aim. Buster jumped in front of Roy,

“Pardon me Roy! But that the cat that ate my new shoes!” (The last sentence is to

the tune of Chattanooga Choo Choo)

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then

starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where

are you going?” I’m going to the doctor.” “Why” she ask “are ya sick?” “No I am

going to get me some of that Viagra stuff!” With that she jostles around and gets

off the couch and grabs her coat. “Now what are you doing?” he asks. She says,

“If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing I am going to get me a tetanus

shot!”

I have heard that sex after 70 is great (both times)!

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Chapter 3

The animal kingdom

I want to start this chapter with my wife’s favorite animal story. When ever we are

with friends she will request this story. On his travels through the timber mister

bear had to stop and take a dump. While he was hunkered down a passing rabbit

decided he was safe so he steps up next to the bear and proceeds to take a dump.

The bear looking over, “Hey rabbit, does it bother you when you get poo all in

your hair?” “Na it don’t bother me at all.” So the bear reaches over, grabs the

rabbit and wipes his butt with the rabbit. (Just a side note this one is great when

told with hand gestures.)

While talking about bears, the next one is a great one to tell your children or for

that matter any who is doing a little excessive complaining. Papa Bear says

“someone has been eating my porage!” And baby bear says “someone has been

eating my pourage!” And momma bear says “Gripe, Gripe, Gripe, I haven’t even

dished up the stupid pourage yet!”

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Another one I like is good for the person who has a tendency to go off for no

reason. This fly finds himself in the kitchen doing a quick fly by, when he spots a

fresh plate of bologna on the table. The fly stops off and has a bite to eat. Having

his fill the fly takes off and lands on the skillet handle for a clean up job. After

making himself presentable he decides to go for a little cruise around the

neighborhood. He flies up in the air about 10 feet and falls dead to the floor. The

moral of the story is “Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of bologna!”

There were a lot of rumors flying around the barnyard about the farmer buying a

new bull. So all the bulls got together to discuss the situation. “Well” said the big

bull “I got 50 cows with my name on them and I ain’t sharing!” The middle bull

spoke up in agreement “I’ve got 25 of the ladies and he’s not getting any of mine

either!” The little bull chimed in “Hey I only 10 to my name so there’s no way he’s

getting anything from me!”

A few days passed and the day of the new arrival was here. They saw the farmer

coming down the road. The trailer was rocking, and there was a lot of kicking and

snorting noises coming from the trailer. “You know” said the big bull “50 is a lot of

cows I think I can share a few.” “Me too” said the middle bull “I really don’t need

all 25.” About that time the little bull started kicking and jumping and pawing the

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ground. “Hey kid what do ya think you’re doing, he’ll kill ya!” I’m not going to

fight him! I just want him to know I ain’t no cow!”

I know you have heard about the duck that walks into the pharmacy and ask for

CHAPSTICK and says “Just put it on my bill!”

A loving dad took his son to the pet store to pick up a box turtle. A week went by

and they noticed the turtle had blisters on it’s feet. So the dad took the turtle back

for an exchange. Again a week passed and again more blisters. Very disappointed

the dad accompanied by his son went back to the pet store. “Look this is the second

sick turtle you have sold me. This is ridicules!” “Sir I’ll give you another turtle, I

really don’t know what is going on here.” He handed the boy the turtle who

immediately dropped to his knees and began pushing the turtle around like a toy

car “Vroom! Vroom!”

A guy comes into a store with his Seeing Eye dog, grabs the dog by the tail and

spins around in a circle. When ask the response was “Oh I’m just taking a look

around!”

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A very well to do snail come in to a car dealer looking for a new ride and spies the

car of his dreams, a cherry red Nissan 280 Z. He takes the car for a ride. When he

returns the snail gets out of the car, “Well my friend we have a deal, I’ll take the

car. Just one thing I need you to change the Z to an S.” Eager for the sale the

salesperson agreed. After the change the snail closed the deal and began to drive

away. As he passed the dealership two guys were admiring the car “Wow what a

nice ride,” said the first. “Yes sir look at that S car go,” said the salesperson.

(I really hope I don’t have to explain that one, but just in case “escargot)

A hunter in search of food came across a rather large rabbit, as he took aim to his

surprise the rabbit spoke “Please oh great hunter do not shoot me for I am a special

creature, one who can grant you three wishes.” “Sure you are”, doubted the hunter

“Prove it!” Very well name your first wish.” “Okay I want a 65 Cadillac and make

it a convertible!” POOF there appeared the car. “WOW this is fantastic. I wish it to

have trunk full of money”, came wish #2. POOF money beyond measure. “You

have one wish left what will it be?” “This wish must be a special one”, said the

hunter “So I’ll get back to you, I want to go for a drive.” So there he was cruising

down the highway, top down enjoying life when a commercial came on the radio.

It was a catchy tune so the hunter sang along, “Oh I wish I was an Oscar Mayer

hotdog.” POOF!

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The question has come that inquiring minds want to know how to catch a Polar

bear? Here is how you do it. First you cut a large hole in the ice, next surround it

with frozen peas and then you wait. Then when the bear bends over to take a pea

you run up and kick him in the “ice hole”

In Oklahoma there is a prestigious college by the name of Oral Roberts University

named after a well known evangelist Oral Roberts. With in this institution I am told

there is a lesser known (much lesser) Oral Roberts dog obedience school. I didn’t

believe it until a friend sent his dog there. I was at his home and he had to

demonstrate how well his dog had been trained. “Sit” was the command. The dog

immediately sat down as commanded. “Roll over” came the nest command. The

dog responded quickly dropping down, rolling over and jumping to his feet. The

next command sat me back a little when the command “Heal” was given the dog

immediately raised on his hind legs and put his front paws on my head!

One of my many jobs when in high school was working at a gas station. No that is

not the joke, in my day they actually had full service gas stations. One of the guys I

worked with was not a patient man. That came to light one day when this camper

pulled in with a family and their pet. This pet was one of those little yapper dogs.

The family had let him out to run around. And this dog just barked and snapped at

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old Bills ankles. Bill couldn’t take it any more so he grabbed the dog and gave him

a shot of gas and put him down. The dog took off like a rocket, around and around

he ran, then all of a sudden he just dropped! When his owner showed up “What

happened to my dog” came the question. “I guess he just ran out of gas” was Bill’s

answer.

Two times during the year we witness the migration of geese either going north or

south depending on the season. The one thing you notice is they fly in a “V”. With

out question one leg of the “V” is always longer, and after years of investigation

and research scientists have come to the conclusion as to why that is. There are

more geese on the one side.

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Chapter 4

The “DUH” chapter

I call this the “DUH” chapter simply because I probably should be a little

politically correct in this book. By that I mean the following stories have evolved

over time and have been listed under the headings of “Pollock jokes”, which later

developed into “Blond jokes”. So I will attempt to not offend any particular gender

or nationality. I will say this concerning blonds; it has been my assessment that an

individual can have any color hair as an adult. What is important is whether or not

you were a blonde during those formative years when you’re learning. I must

apologize now because this will be the longest chapter in the book.

In defense of the Pollock jocks, several years ago there was a movement to

generate stories to take the heat off of pollocks and direct it elsewhere so what do

you call Frenchmen with an IQ of 80? “A village!

Some of my favorite stories fall in this chapter. A young lady was traveling across

country by car. Her journey was taking her through Kansas on I-70. As she passed

by this wheat field she noticed a young lady in the middle of the field in of all

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things a row boat. Being confused she had to stop and ask, “Hey you, what in the

world are you doing out there in that boat?” “Can’t you see I’m on a boat trip?”

came the response. “You’re what? Come on get out of that field” yelled the first

lady. “I will not interrupt my boat trip!” The first lady became really up set “You

know” she shouted “Its women like you that give the rest of us a bad name and if I

could swim I’d swim out there and kick your butt!”

Two sweet little old ladies were traveling across country by air. They hadn’t been

in the air long when the pilot came on. “Ladies and gentlemen if you have been

looking out right side windows you may have notice that our #1 engine just flamed

out; but do not worry we can still fly on three engines it will just take an hour

longer to reach our destination.” The two ladies just looked at each other and

shrugged their shoulders.

A short time later the pilot came on. “Ladies and gentlemen I am sorry to inform

you but our #2 engine has just lost power, please do not be alarmed we will still get

to our destination we will just be two hours late.” Again the two ladies just looked

at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

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Again the voice of the pilot broke the silence. This time it was engine #3 and again

came the promise the plain would still fly they would just be 3 hours late. The

same as before the ladies just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and

then went back to reading.

For the fourth time the pilot came on. “Ladies and gentlemen I’m sorry but we just

lost engine #4.” The two ladies look at each other. “Just our luck” said the first,

“we’ll be up here all day now!”

The title of the book is “You know that reminds me of a story!” This is a perfect

example. As I related the story above I was reminded of when I got out of high

school I got my private license which exposed me to pilots and their stories. One I

really like is about this couple preparing to take a vacation. The husband had his

single engine “land” pilot’s license. His friend owned a nice sea plane so they

decided the husband should get his “sea” plane license which would allow them to

take a vacation into some remote areas.

The day of vacation came; they borrowed the sea plane and headed out. They had

been in the air a few hours when the husband noticed they were in need of fuel. So

they made their final approach. Just before they were to make contact with the

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runway the wife looked down and screamed “SEA PLANE, SEA PLANE!” The

husband pulled back on the stick just in time to avoid the disaster of landing on

pontoons instead of wheels. He pulled the plane around, found a sea port and

landed. When the plane stopped the couple just sat there until their hearts could

slow down. Once the husband could speak he said “Wow that was really close, that

won’t happen again. The next time I will think before I act!” He then opened the

door and stepped off the plane into 12 feet of water.

A young lady entered the plane a grabbed a seat in first class. When the attendant

came by and noticed her ticket said coach she informed the young lady she would

have to move. The response was “I am a young, beautiful, and intelligent woman

and I am on my way to California, so I will sit here!” Frustrated the attendant went

for the co-pilot. He returned and again informed the young lady she would have to

move. Again the response came “I am a young, beautiful, and intelligent woman

and I am on my way to California, so I will sit here!” A frustrated co-pilot went for

the captain. When he arrived he asked if there was a problem the young lady

responded “I am a young, beautiful, and intelligent woman and I am on my way to

California, so I will sit here!” The pilot leaned over and whispered into her ear; the

young lady grabbed her purse and immediately moved to the rear of the plane. The

captain returned to the cockpit. In amazement the crew followed him to the front of

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the plane “Sir what did you tell her to get her to move?” “Simple, I just told her the

front of the plane was going to Pittsburg!”

As I continue through this evolution of stories, I start out with a plan. As I go

however each story reminds me of another one. Airplane stories just seem to

generate more airplane stories. One that I heard several years ago was about a

plane trip in a small aircraft. It was carrying Henry Kissinger, once Secretary of

State, Bill Clinton, former President, a priest and a college student. During the

flight the plane lost power and every one was going to have to bail out. The only

problem they were one parachute short of having enough.

Bill Clinton jumped up and grabbed a chute stating “I am a former President and

very important, I should be saved!” and jumped out. Kissinger jumped up “I am

one of the smartest men in the US and I am to be saved!” he also jumped. Having

only the one chute left the priest looked at the young student “Young man I have

lived a full life and I am one with God, so you take the chute.” “Well” said the

young man, “The smartest man in the US just left the plane with my backpack so

why don’t we both use a chute!”

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When telling these stories known as the “DUH” stories I am reminded that some

readers may not get the story. Like the time the guy comes into the bar and tells the

bartender “Man I just heard the best Pollock joke, wanna hear it?” The bartender

says “Now wait a minute, you know I’m Polish and you see those guys in the back,

the two big ones, and the ex-football that just walked in? Well they are all Polish

also, so are you sure you want to tell the joke?” The guy thought for a minute then

spoke “You know you’re right, it will ruin the punch line if I have to explain the

joke 4 times.”

The next couple of stories could have been in the Animal Kingdom chapter but

they fit well here also.

While traveling through the back woods of Arkansas a passer buy came across two

hillbillies having a terrible time trying to jack up this old barn. He stopped to see

what was going on and if he could help. “Well when we go to put that old mule in

the barn his ears are so long they hit on the top of the door and he jumps and runs

away. So we figures we got to raise this here barn so he won’t hit his ears.”

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“You know” said the stranger “It would be a lot easier to dig a ditch in the doorway

so when he comes into the barn he will he will walk into the ditch then up into the

barn and his ears won’t touch.”

All of a sudden one of the hillbillies grabbed a hammer and chased the stranger off.

“Danged strangers, they just don’t listen, I told him it was his ears that are too long

not his legs!”

A farmer was in the pasture trying to assist a young heifer that was giving birth. A

passer by seeing what was going on stopped to help the farmer do what is known

as pulling the calf. After several minutes the pair was successful and the new calf

had arrived. The farmer thanked the man. “Well you’re welcome” said the stranger

“but I have just one question, how fast did that thing have to be going to gat stuck

in there like that?”

Years ago a logger went in to his local hardware store looking for a new ax. “Well”

said the salesman “I think you really need to invest in a chainsaw, it cuts so much

faster than any ax you can buy!” “I need faster; I have a lot of trees to cut. I take

one.”

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A week passed and a disgruntled logger returned, “I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”

“What seems to be the problem?” ask the salesman “I’m sure we can work this

out.” “This thing is no faster than my ax; I can cut 10 trees a day with the ax and

can barely make 5 with this saw. I WANT MY MONEY BACK!” The salesman

takes the saw, “Lets see what the problem is.” He turned the saw on gave the rope a

pull and the saw fired right up. “What’s that noise?” asked the logger.

I think the same logger is the same one in this next story about a man that buys a

new chain saw to do some work around the house. He starts the saw, comes up to

the first tree and takes aim on an upper limb. As soon as he touches the limb the

saw kicks back and cuts the man’s ear right off. After some quick first aid he goes

back to the yard and begins looking around for his ear. Seeing what was going on a

neighbor stopped to help “What’s going on?” “Oh, I was fixing to cut that limb off

when the saw kicked back and cut my ear off and I’m trying to find it.” After a

few minutes the neighbor cried out “Found it!” The man runs over and looks down

”Naw that aint mine. Mine had a pencil behind it!”

These two ole boys came up on a terrible accident. “Man this is really bad!” “Yea”

says the second fellow “You know this looks like old Fred’s truck, we better stop

and help him out!” They jump out of the truck and start looking for Fred. “I think I

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found him, at least part of him!” shout the first man. When the second man got

there the first guy was holding the severed head by the hair about eye level. “Yep

it’s Fred alright” says the first man. “No that’s not Fred” “Yes it is” fired back the

first. “No it’s not” argued the second, “Fred’s not that tall!”

One of my favorites in this chapter is a story about a group of construction workers

in New York. One day a worker was entering the job site and noticed a guy sitting

atop a tall post. “Hey buddy what in the world are you doing up there?” “I’m a

light bulb!” came the response. “What are you crazy? Come down from there

you’re no light bulb!” “Can’t do it, I’m a light bulb!” came the response again. “No

you’re an idiot!” yelled the passer by. He then left to find the foreman. The

foreman returned, “Hey you get down off the post!” “Can’t do it” came the

response. “And why not” asked the foreman. “Cause I’m a light bulb!” “You’re not

a light bulb now get down from there!” ordered the foreman. “Nope, I’m a light

bulb!” refused the man. So the foreman went for the big boss man. “Get off my

post!” shouted the boss. “Can’t do it sir I’m a light bulb!” “Well you ain’t no light

bulb and if you don’t come down you’re fired!” Refusing again the response was

the same “Can’t do it I am a light bulb!” Given no choice “Well then you are fired,

get down here and pick up your stuff and get out of here!” the boss ordered. So the

man climbs down, picks up his stuff and leaves. Seeing this all the workers stop

and start gathering up their things. “Hey” shouted the boss “what the heck is going

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on here?” From the back of the group came a shout “Goin home, we can’t work in

the dark!”

Then we have the young lady who had TGIF written across her shoes, when ask

she responded “Toes Go In First.”

One of the older stories I have told takes place back in the day when they still used

the guillotine as a means of execution. There were 3 men condemned to die. The

first, a French man, came to the guillotine and was asked for any last words.

“VIVA la France” he yelled out. The lever was pulled and the blade stopped just

above the neck. By law the man was free to go. The second man a Brit was brought

out and asked the same. “LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!” came the response. Again

the lever was pulled and again the blade stopped just above the neck. He was freed.

The third man Polish by birth was asked for any last words. “Yah”, he said “You

have a knot in your rope.”

I thought about putting the next few in a chapter of their own but they fit real well

here also. They deal with the great outdoors.

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Two hunters show up for their first big hunt. The lodge owner goes through all the

safety tips. You know the ones “If you find yourself lost, stay put and fire three

shots in the air and wait for help. Well as luck would have it the pair found

themselves lost. “Okay Jim, remember what they said to do, fire three shots in the

air.” So Jim did and he and Bill waited. Hours passed and no help. “Fire three more

shots Jim” said Bill and again hours passed. “Fire three more!’ a frustrated Bill

demanded. Jim did and as they waited “Bill I sure hope they show up soon I’m

about out of arrows.”

Well Jim and Bill made it out of the woods and the next year they went rifle

hunting for deer. The first morning success, Bill got his animal. They cleaned him

and grabbed him by the back legs and started dragging towards the car. During the

process they ran into another hunter who noticed their struggle. “You know fellas if

you would grab him by the horns and pull you’d be dragging with the hair and not

against it. It really makes dragging much easier!” So the boys gave her a try. After

a while Jim spoke up “That guy was right, pulling with the hair is much easier!”

“Yea he was right but we sure are getting a long ways from the truck!” noticed Bill.

The next year the boys were at it again. This time they got split up while hunting in

pretty thick timber. Jim heard a noise off in the distance. Knowing by the sound it

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just had to be a huge buck, he fired in the direction. Jim ran up only to find it was

his friend Bill. Later at the hospital Jim anxiously awaited news of his friend’s fate.

The doctor slowly entered the room. “Well how’s my friend, all is good right?” The

doctor shook his head “We might have had a chance if you hadn’t field dressed

him!”

Did you hear about the tragedy at the 4th annual bugger picking contest? A young

man pulled out a 4 pound bugger and his head collapsed!

His brother later had a similar problem when he put “Oder Eaters” in his shoes. He

put them on and he disappeared.

This guy had to go in for his annual checkup; you know the one where the doctor

gets up close and personal. A little nervous the guy asked his doctor if he was like

the polish Proctologist who used 2 fingers in order to get a second opinion.

A man went to his Lawyer; when asked why he was there the man said he wanted

to divorce his wife. “What propagated the reasoning for this decision?” asked the

lawyer. “What did you say?” asked the man. “Do you have any grounds?’ asked the

lawyer. “Yes sir we got about two acres I guess.” “No, no, no that’s not what I

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meant; lets say is she a nagger?” “Why no sir she’s white just like you and me!”

came the response. Very frustrated the lawyer came back,”Okay let me make this

simple, why do you want to divorce you wife?” “Oh that, well she’s trying to get

rid of me!” “How do you mean?” “Well I came home from work the other night

and found a bottle of Polish remover in the medicine cabinet.

Speaking of lawyers do you know how many Lawyers it takes to shingle a dog

house? It really depends on how thin you slice them!

This next story belongs here. Some friends and I were telling stories when one

friend, who was not a particularly good story teller, jumped in “Hey I have got the

most hilarious story ever, are you ready?” “If you are crossing the desert in a canoe

and the right front tire falls off how many pancakes does it take to cover a dog

house?” Are you ready here comes his punch line? “The answer is none because

bananas don’t have bones!” My friend just busted up “Didn’t I tell you it was

great?” The rest of the group just sat there with no expression. It definitely fit in

the DUH what did you say?”

Two friends went to the movies, it was a real guy flick, as they sat there the first

man spoke up “I’ll make you a bet, see they guy on the horse, I’ll bet you he comes

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riding around the corner, rides under a tree limb, and gets knocked off his horse.”

“Okay you have a bet” said his friend. Sure enough the cowboy comes riding

around the corner, under the tree, and gets knocked off his horse by the limb.

“Wow that’s amazing here your money.” So they watched the rest of the movie and

started home. The first man developed a conscience as they walked “I have to give

you your money back, I guess I kinda cheated you. You see I saw the movie

yesterday so I knew what was going to happen.” “No, no you keep the money. I

saw the movie yesterday also, it’s just that I really thought this time he’d duck.”

A handyman traveling across the country, making his way by doing odd jobs came

to a house out in the country. He knocked on the door and asked if the owner had

any jobs he might do. “Well I have been meaning to paint my porch. I guess you

can do that. The paint is in the garage.” The handy man set off to accomplish his

assignment. When he job was done the man knocked on the door. “The job is

complete and it was a real nice color you picked out. There is just something I need

to let you know, your car is not a Porsche it’s a Ferrari, but the new paint looks

good!”

I was asked why some nationalities have “ski” on the end of their names? The

answer I am told is because “bobsled” is too long.

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Two gentlemen went to a car dealer looking for transportation. Seeing the mental

capacity the very sharp but shady salesman decided to unload some unwanted

baggage he had taken in during a card game. “You fellas don’t want an automobile.

Why that is going to be way too expensive. You’ll have to buy gas, oil, tires, and

insurance. What you need is this fine looking camel. I can let him go real cheap,

and you talk about economical it just runs on grass and water!” The fellas looked

at each other “DUH, okay, sounds like what we need.” So off they went on their

newly acquired camel. A couple of hours passed and the two showed up at the

dealership. “Hey mister you got another camel?” “No that was my last one, why

what happened to the one you just bought?” “Well everything was going fine until

we pulled up to the stop light and this car pulled up by us and someone yelled out

‘Look at those two butts on that camel’. We had never seen a camel with two butts

so we got off to look and the camel ran off!”

During WWII a young recruit asked his drill Sergeant what to do in case he were to

loose his weapon. “Well you just bring your arms up like you are shooting a

weapon and then go rat a tat tat and the Germans will fall!” The recruit thought that

was a little strange but accepted the instruction. Well sure enough in the heat of

battle the young soldier lost his weapon. This brought on a real panic, and then he

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remembered the instructions. As he turned to the left he saw a group of Germans

coming over the ridge so he gave it a try “Rat a tat tat tat!” The Germans dropped

like flies. He continued on his way using his new found weapon. Later in the day

he was coming up a long hill when a large group came over the ridge. He pulled

his weapon, “Rat a tat tat tat!” Several of the enemy fell, all but one. He just kept

coming. “Rat a tat tat, Rat a tat tat!” The soldier kept shooting but the German

would not drop, he just kept coming. Finally the German came right to the young

soldier and walked right over the top of him. As he walked on he heard the German

going “Tank, tank, tank!”

A guy walking through the noticed an attractive lady trying to get his attention so

he walked over to her “I am sorry do I know you?” “Well” she answered “I think

you are the father of one of my children.” This sent his mind reeling back in time,

when could this had have happened? Finally he paused “Were you the dancer at my

friend’s bachelor’s party? I mean I was a little drunk, and I snuck out early the next

morning to get back home.” She just smiled and calmly said “No I’m your son’s

teacher.”

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on

scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the

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Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one

more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' The Mexican opened his

lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm

going to jump off, too.' The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I

get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' The next day, the

Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his

death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw Burritos, and jumped too. The blonde

guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the

funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired

he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or

enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much.' Everyone turned and stared

at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. He makes his own

lunch'

CHAPTER 5

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Kaleidoscope

This chapter is a mixture of stories that are a variety of there own. They are stories

I heard several years ago.

Years ago in a small town in England the local church had lost their bell ringer. An

add was posted and the applicants came from miles around. One day there was a

knock on the door. The Father opened the door to find a man standing there, “Yes

my son may I help you?” “I have come for the job of ringing the bell!” the man

said with pride. “Oh my son I don’t see how that can be, you haven’t any arms.” A

determined man demanded to be taken to the bell tower “I’ll show ya I can ring

your bell.” When they got to the tower, they stood next to the massive bell “My

son I don’t see how you expect to ring the bell?” “I’ll show ya Father!” The man

ran to the bell and hit it with his head. The bell barely moved and no sound. “Oh

my son that will never do you must stop!” demanded the Father. The man again ran

and dove at the bell hitting it head first. This time the bell moved further but no

sound. “Please stop” shouted the Father. The man visibly dazed but determined

again ran at the bell this time more determined. He struck the bell, it swung

forward, came back hitting the man, knocking him out of the bell tower. A crowd

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gathered around looking at the sight. “Does anyone know this man?” asked the

Father. “No” came the response “But his face rings a bell!”

A few days passed and again a knock on the door. The Father opened he door to

find another armless man. “How may I help you my son?” “I’ve come about the

job!” “No” said the Father “this will not happen the last chap failed the attempt

giving the ultimate sacrifice!” “But I can succeed!” the man said with confidence.

After a while he persuaded the Father to let him try. The Father had not seen such

determination as they stood there by the bell. The man ran with all his might,

diving head first into the bell. The bell swung forward with great speed came back

and again knocked the man out of the tower. Again a crowd gathered and again the

question “Who is this man?” and the response came. “We don’t know but he is a

dead ringer for the other guy!”

It was a balmy day at sea and the pirates we swapping lies. On young lad was

taken in by a seasoned pirate. “Wow” he says “looks like it’s been a bit rough?”

“Aye that it has lad that it has.” “So” questioned the lad “ what happened to your

leg?” “Well now that was a fierce battle it was. We was preparing to take a big

frigate when all of a sudden a cannon ball came across the bow and took me leg off

at the knee.” The lad sat in awe. “And your right arm, another battle was it?” “Aye

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that it was. We was aboard this fine vessel and I was in a terrible fight. When I

brought me arm up to strike a blow the bloke came around and cut me hand right

and I has this fine hook to show for it.” Again the lad was taken in by these tales

of battle. “I bet it was a real battle that took your left eye?” “Well now that’s is

quite a tale, one for another day lad.” The lad was insistent. So the old sea dog

continued, “well it was a dead wind at sea that day and I had just stepped out on

deck to admire the day when as I looked up a seagull crapped right in me left eye!”

at that point he motioned with his hand with hook to wipe his eye.

A couple of cowboys headed to California to seek their fortunes in the gold fields

came across this Indian warrior with his ear to the ground. “What’s he doing down

there?” ask the first. “Don’t ya know them Indians are supposed to be able to hear

things through the ground.” “You’re joshing me?” doubted the first. “Watch this”

said the second. “Hey Chief watcha doing down there?” “Wagon pulled by two

horses, one brown one black. Man, woman, 2 kids one boy one girl. Cow tied to

back of wagon.” “WOW!” said the first “You can tell that by just listening to the

ground?” “No, ran over me 1 hr ago!”

As a kid when ever we would complain about hard times my dad would tell the

following story about a wagon train traveling across the plains. They were ill

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prepared and had fallen on hard times. It was to the point that the only provisions

left was a little flour and no water. They all gathered a round this pathetic bowl of

flour trying to come up with a plan. Finally the leader spoke “well the only way I

see it is I’ll have my girl wet in the bowl and we’ll make bread.” So he got his

daughter to stand over the bowl and squat down. The pressure was too much and

she couldn’t make water. After several attempts the dad had had enough so he takes

of his belt and straps the girl across the butt, she lets out a fart and blows the flour

away. Now that’s hard times!

A city fella was traveling through the hills of Arkansas when his car broke down,

so he walked to a near by farm house. The man of the house was sitting on the

porch. “Excuse me sir can I use your phone?” “Aint got no phone.” “Well how far

to town my car broke down and I need a garage?” “Let’s see that be about 4 miles

up the road but aint nothing open till morning.” The city fella thanked him and

headed back towards the car. “Say” said the hillbilly, “it aint much but you’re

welcome to stay the night.” The man agreed and came and sat down on the porch.

“So what do you do for fun up here?” “Well we plays a lot of mountain football.”

This had the visitor’s attention. “Sounds fun how do you play?” “I’ll show you

when we head off to bed.” Later that night they crawled into bed and the hillbilly

strains and grunts and lets out a big ole fart “TOUCH DOWN 6 POINTS!” yells

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out the hillbilly. Catching on quickly the city fella strains and grunts and strains

and rips out his own big ole fart “TOUCH DOWN 6 POINTS!” he yells. It’s now

the home team’s turn, so he strains and grunts and strains and grunts and strains

and craps all over his side of the bed “HALF TIME change sides!”

While we are on the subject; as the west was being won a Railroad man

responsible for securing land came across an Indian village and ask to see the

Chief. He was directed to the teepee where he entered for his audience with the

Chief. “Chief you have to move your village, progress is coming and the railroad is

going to come right through here.” “Chief Bowels no move!” said the Indian

firmly. “Well I can fix that” said the man who then went to his horse and returned

“Here drink this it helps me. Look I’ll be back in a few days to discuss moving the

village.”

The man returned as promised “Chief you still have to move your village.” “Chief

Bowels no move!” again came the firm response. The man again gave him another

bottle of elixir. A bit frustrated by the defiant Indian “Look Chief I’ll give just two

more days, then we will move you by force.” Again the man returned as promised

“Chief this is your last chance, are you going to move?” “Chief Bowels must move

teepee full of poop!”

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For years I wore a full beard and I really like the story about the guy who decided

that the thing he needed to go with his full beard was a perm and highlights. I don’t

know what real man would want highlights in his hair but its part of the story.

Anyway , he is sitting in the chair at the salon with the little cap on his head. All of

a sudden from outside he heard a loud crash. Seeing the accident the man jumped

up and ran out to help. When the EMT’s arrived the man returned to his seat. “I

just don’t understand it?” then man said. “I was giving the guy CPR and he would

revive, open his eyes and then collapse . I’d have to start all over again. He just

kept doing this until the EMT’s arrived, I just don’t understand?” “Well think

about it” said the stylist. “This guy was just driving along; minding his own

business, there’s a big crash and the next thing he knows there is some big burly

guy with a beard and a shower cap kissing him!”

This is an election year (2008) and it has drug on forever! Each candidate has been

out stomping for votes. And they were everywhere. The story is told about one of

the candidates that stopped in a rural area and noticed the farmer out in the barn

yard so he crawled over the fence and walked through all the goo that you find in a

barnyard. He proceeded to give the farmer his big promises. When the farmer had

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enough he looked down at the politician standing ankle deep in cow dung, pointed

at his shoes “Mister you better get out of the sun you’re starten to melt!”

A group of cannibals was setting around the fire talking about their last meal. The

first one spoke up “Man I just had me one of those computer geeks for dinner. Not

much meat but he was pretty tender, man was it good!” The second cannibal

speaks up “That sounds better than mine, I had me a farmer. There was plenty of

meat but it was a little tough.” “Well” chimed in the third cannibal “I had me one

of them politicians.” “Wow, those are the best!” said number two. “Yes sir, lots of

meat and tender too!” bragged number three. “But man aren’t they a mess to

clean?”

We have driven through a town and seen in the city park beautiful statues. Well this

next story is about a city park that was home to a statue of young lovers holding

hands. These statues were very special in that they had some special angels

watching over them. The angels decided that they would give the young lovers a

special gift. They would give them life for 24 hours. So they went down to the park

and brought the statues to life. “You two have been together for so many years,

holding hands, but never knowing what love feels like. We want you to experience

those feelings so we will give you life for 24 hours so go and use them as you wish

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and we will be back.” The couple ran off behind a large group of bushes. When the

angels returned there where clothes scattered all around and there was laughing

and commotion coming from the bushes. The angels smiled at their success, but

time was up. As they walked up to the bushes they couldn’t believe their eyes. The

man statue was holding a pigeon in his hand, “Okay you hold him down, it’s my

turn to crap on his head!”

My two favorite stories fall in this chapter. The first is about that guy, you know

the one I mean, thinks he is perfect in every way. The guy I’m talking about was

named Peter in fact he felt he was so perfect he changed his name to, ya you

guessed it Peter Perfect. Well its lonely at the top so Peter put an add in the paper it

read “Perfect man seeks perfect woman to have perfect children.” Well a few days

passed and Pete got a call “Young man I have got three of the most perfect

daughters you’ll ever see.” An excited Peter ran right over. “Come in son, go on in

to the parlor and I’ll send in my first daughter. The young lady came in and after a

half hour Peter emerged from the parlor, “Well she’s good alright but I am afraid

she is a little cross eyed, not so much as you could tell it but that left eye tows in

just a little so she won’t do.” “I’ll send in my middle child I am sure she will do,”

said the old man. This time they were in the room for over an hour, Peter comes

out, “She was much better then the first, but she is somewhat pigeon toed, not so

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much that you could tell it but the right leg turns in just little she just won’t do.”

The old man felling a bit down responded I’ll send my youngest child in she will

be the one.” An hour and half later Peter runs out of the room “That’s it I have

found the perfect woman, I don’t believe it she is perfect in every way.” They were

married the next day. Nine months later a child blessed their home. Peter burst into

the farmer’s home, “I don’t understand it I’m perfect, your daughter is perfect and

the baby; it is the ugliest child I have ever seen, I just don’t understand it how can

this happen?” “Well” says the farmer, “she was pregnant, not so much as you could

tell it, but she was pregnant!”

Living in Kansas any thing new really draws a crowd. This was the case years back

when this fella was attempting to set some kind of a speed record in his sport

convertible. He was running down I-70 some where between Topeka and Goodland

Kansas when he had to stop for fuel. He comes speeding into the station “vroom”

and screeches to a stop. Like I said a crowd gathered. One of the local boys came

ridding up on his Honda 90, pulls up and is leaning on the car when the man gets in

and drives away. The man continues down I-70 cursing about 120 mph when he

noticed in the rear view mirror here comes Jr on his Honda 90 with the engine

rapped up tight sounding like a huge bumble bee. He catches the car and buzzes

past and disappears out of sight. The man is stunned, top speed on a Honda 90 is

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about 50 mph. He must be seeing things. He sat deeper into his seat when he

looked up and here comes Jr back at him from the other way; he buzzes past. Again

in disbelief the man shakes his head, how can this be? Its impossible! Just then

here he comes again from the rear. This time the man pulls over to solve the

mystery. Jr buzzes up to the car and parks next to it. Jr is all out of breath, “Boy

Mister I’m sure glad you stopped! You had my suspenders caught in your door!”

I know at some point most of us have attended those motivational seminars. This

next story is about one of those. A large group of men were gathered in a

conference room to participate in seminar. They were at a point where the speaker

needed to illustrate his focus. “To illustrate my point, let’s take a little test. How

many of you have sex once a week?” Several hands went up. “Okay”, he

continued, “How many of you have sex once a month?” A few hands went up.

“Now, how many of you have sex once in 3 months?” Reluctantly a couple of

hands went up. “Last time, how many of you have sex just once in 6 months?”

Way in the back a man began waving his hand very enthusiastically. “Look just

my point exactly. This man only has sex once in 6 months and is not ashamed to

admit it. Sir, please tell why you can proudly admit to this?” He stood up and

yelled “TONIGHT’s THE NIGHT!”

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A group of fishermen were standing on the shore line but only one was having any

luck. With in moments of casting his line he would have a fish on. He would reel it

in, cast out, and repeat the process reeling in another fish. Finally one of the other

fishermen had had enough and went to seek his secret. “Hey buddy what ya

using?” “Mumble mmmm mumble mmm” came the response. “What did you

say?” Again “Mumble mmmm mumble mmm” came the answer. All the while he

was pulling in fish. “Okay I get it, it’s a secret.” And the man started to walk away.

The fisherman turns to the man and spit the contents of his mouth into his hand “I

said you have to keep your worms warm!”

While we are on the subject of fishing two long time friends swapping tales and

you what the say is true that the first liar doesn’t have a chance, well the story goes

like this: “I remember the time that I was fishing down on the river when I hooked

this fish so big that we couldn’t get him in my 14 ft John boat cause he was so

long” the first liar spoke up proud of his tale. “Well you remember that nice lantern

I had? Well I was fishing about three months ago, it was night time and I hooked

this whopper. I was thrashing round trying to get him in when I kicked my lantern

into to the river. I went out last week and cast my line out and was reeling in when

I thought I had snagged a limb. To my surprise it was my lantern and it was still

lit!” “THERE AINT NO WAY that lantern was still lit!” demanded the first liar.

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“I’ll tell you what, you take about 100 lbs off the fish and I’ll blow the lantern

out.”

One of the locals was catching a large number of fish so the game warden thought

he better investigate. He found where the man was fishing and surprised him. “Sir I

need you to show me how you are catching all those fish I see in your truck?” “No

problem, let’s go” said the man so they hopped in the boat and took off. When they

got to the middle of the lake the fisherman opened a box and pulled out a stick of

dynamite. “Hey that’s against the law!” yelled an excited game warden. With that

the man lit the fuse and threw it to the warden, “Well you gonna talk or are you

gonna fish?”

The above story about the lantern reminds me of one about to grieving widowers

visiting their loved one who had passed on. The first man had brought a beautiful

bouquet of flowers for his loved one. The second man, a Chinese man, had brought

a beautiful bowl full of rice. “Hey” yelled the first man. “What’s that?” “It is rice

for my lovely wife. It is for her spirit.” “For her what? You mean you think she is

going to come out and eat the rice? Man that’s crazy! You think she is really going

to eat the rice?” “Yes I think she will the same time yours comes out and smells the

flowers.”

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This man came to work on Monday morning wearing sunglasses. When he took

them off his coworkers noticed his 2 black eyes. “Man you must have been in some

fight?” “Well” the man said shyly “it wasn’t like that really. I was a football game

sitting behind this rather large lady. When it came time for the national anthem she

stood up and you know how fat ladies are when they stand up their dress sucks up

in their crack? Well I reached up and pulled it out so she turned around and hit

right in the face!” “Man she must of hit you hard to black both eyes?” questioned

his buddy. “Not really, you see I thought she wanted it back up there so I put it

back!”

Two friends were bragging on their intelligence when the first says confidently “I

know I’m smarter than and I’ll prove it. I will ask a question and answer it and I’ll

bet you can’t answer your question.” “You’ve got a deal my friend” responded the

second man. “Okay here is my question, how does a rabbit dig a hole with out

getting any dirt in it? The answer is he starts from the other side” said the first man.

“WAIT one minute” shouted the second man “how in the world does he start from

the other side” argued the second man. “Well I guess the would be your question so

you answer it!”

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I think the same two fellas are in the next story. They were digging a ditch and they

noticed that to them all the foreman did all day was stand around. “Why is that he

gets away with that” asked the first. “Well why don’t you just go ask him?” so the

first man jumped out of the ditch “Hey Boss man why is it that all you do is stand

around and we bust our butts all day?” “Well it’s simple really I’m just smarter

than you are and I can prove it.” He sticks his hand out in front of the tree “just hit

my hand.” When the guy took his swing the foreman moved his hand and the guy

hit the tree. When he returned from the ER with his hand bandaged and crawled

back in the ditch his companion asked “Well what did you find out?” “Well it’s

because he is smarter than me, but that’s okay because I’m smarter than you are let

me show you.” The man places his good hand in front of his face and said “Go

ahead hit my hand!”

All five of my sons wrestled in school which reminds me of a story about a heavy

weight wrestler that successfully made the Olympic team. As he prepared to

compete he was cautioned to beware of the Russian. He had a hold called the

Russian pretzel. No one had ever gotten out of this hold. As things progressed the

young American and the Russian were to meet in the Gold metal round. About half

way through the third period the young American found himself right in the middle

of the pretzel. The end was in sight. Then to all who watched the young American

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exploded, threw the Russian off of him, flipped him over on his back and pinned

him to the mat; the Gold went to the USA. Later in the locker room the young

wrestler was asked by the coach how he was able to get out of the hold. The young

wrestler explained, “You were right the hold is impossible to get out of and I knew

it, but as I laid there I looked up and just above my head was the Russian’s

manhood. I’m not proud of what happened next but I figured I had nothing to loose

so I reached up and gave it a big bite. I immediately realized it wasn’t the Russian

that I was looking at.”

With this historical election year in process I am reminded of a story about the time

when Clinton was president and Hilary had a dream. In this dream she had died

and passed on to the other side. The first thing you do is take a tour when you get

there. On the tour they came to a large room full of clocks. “What is this room”

Hilary questioned. “It is the Hall of Sin,” came the response. “What do you mean

by that?” “If you notice the hand on the clocks, they move every time some one

sins. You noticed Mother Teresa’s barely moves?” “I don’t see my husband Bill’s,

where is it?” “Oh that one we keep up stairs and use it for a fan!”

A man sits down at the bar and orders a shot and a beer. After he drinks it he pulls

something out of his pocket looks at it and puts it back. Through the evening he

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repeats the process, finally the bartender could take no more “What do you keep

doing that for?” “Well” said the man. “It’s a picture of my ex-wife and when she

starts looking good to me I know I have had enough to drink!”

The same fellow got up to leave, went outside and came back and stood in the door

way, “No body leaves until the slim ball who stole my billfold returns it!” The

next thing he remembers is the tapping of something on the bottom of his foot.

When he rolled over he looked up to the downward stare of a police officer. “So”,

asked the officer, “You want to tell me what happened here?” The man rolled his

head around and seeing a light pole responded “Car wreck I guess!”

A few years back an employee of a large hardware store was stopped by a newly

hired security guard. The employee was pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. The

suspicious guard ruffled through the straw but found nothing. This went on for

weeks and the results were the same; nothing could be found in the straw. Now the

guard new the man was up to no good but he just couldn’t figure it out. Finally

after months had passed the guard stopped the man one night, “Look, I know your

steeling something and after all these months I haven’t been able to figure it out,

you gotta tell me. If you do you got my word it will be our secret but you just gotta

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tell me!” “Well your right I have been steeling something.” “I KNEW IT! What is

it? “Well I have been steeling wheelbarrows!”

This next story you tell like it really happened, you know straight faced and you

can’t laugh. At least until the end. “Man did I have a crazy weekend. I was driving

down town in the city. and was behind this ambulance. We had traveled a ways

when we stopped for a huge accident. The EMT’s responded to the needs of the

victims. When they pulled away I noticed they had left one of those coolers like the

one they carry transplant organs in, so I jumped out of the car, grabbed the cooler

and tried to stop the ambulance but it was too fast. I ran back to my car and took

off but I couldn’t find them, so here I was riding around with this cooler with

something important inside. Well I needed to think so I pulled over, I knew enough

to know that what ever was inside was time sensitive but being new to the area I

had no clue as to where to even take the cooler. Now the longer I sat there the more

the temptation was to peek in the cooler, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

Time passed and I could take it no more so I had to look. I opened the lid and

closed it quickly, and decided to find the hospital. (Now about this time you will be

asked “What was in the cooler?” to that you respond “Bologna like I’m feeding

you!’)

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There seems to be a lot of self proclaimed experts in this large old world. By

definition an expert is defined as such. “X” in any equation is an unknown. Spert is

defined as a drip under pressure. So by definition an expert is an unknown drip

under pressure!

Now we will take a little break and do some math. First pick a number and don’t

tell me what it is. (You will be doing some math so either make it simple of get a

calculator.) Now double it. Next add 10 to the problem. Ok now divide it in half,

and then subtract the original number. Now if you did your math correctly your

answer is 5.

You know they say “Watch the man who says he is boss at home because he’ll lie

about other things!” Well I guy once told me in a bragging fashion “Yes sir I’ll tell

you I had the old lady on her hands and knees the other day!” His wife stuck her

head in the room “Yeah, I told him to come out from under the bed and fight like a

man you fool!”

Now the following is an example of a great “What not to do!” But Wally just didn’t

understand as you will find out in this letter to the Editor.

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder

for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's

nothing worse than an oversensitive, aging woman.

My name is Wally. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kim.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kim to get a full-time job

along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that

we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show

her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home

from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has

to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I

tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I

generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club and watch the lingerie show, so

eating out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub

when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But

now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do

what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they

won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to

motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I think another symptom of

aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find

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time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for

better or worse, right? So I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch

it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also

remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if

you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing

simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a

break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a

scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly

squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for

herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a

saint in the way I support Kim. I'm not saying that showing this much

consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it

impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get

older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of

your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well

worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Wally

Noted in a later issue of the same paper.

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Wally died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he

was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club

jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer

lying nearby. His wife Kim was arrested and charged with Wally's demise. The all-

woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her “Not Guilty”, accepting her defense

that Wally somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

This brings up the issue of unbelievable law suits. Like a few years back a man

went into the hospital for severe infection in his right leg. It was determined the leg

had to be removed. The man was prepared for surgery and taken to the OR. When

he was in recovery the nurse read the chart and noticed they had mistakenly

removed the wrong leg. With the infection still in the right leg the man still

required the leg be amputated, so back to surgery. The man recovered and once out

of the hospital and filed a law suit for wrongful dismemberment. It only took the

Judge a few minutes to throw the case out. The Judge felt he didn’t have a leg to

stand on!

A long the same lines, an American soldier was shot down over Germany during

WWII. His injuries were pretty extensive. One day the surgeon came in and

informed the man he needed to amputate his left leg. The young pilot understood

but requested to have his leg dropped over England during the next bombing raid.

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This was agreed to. The next week the story was repeated only this time with the

other leg; again the same request. A week later it was required to remove an arm;

again the request to drop his arm during the next bombing raid. Another week

passed and again the sad news; the other arm was infected and removal was

necessary. This time the request to have the arm dropped during a bombing raid

was refused. “I am sorry but the Commandant thinks you are trying to escape!”

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Chapter 6

Religious Humor

They say there are two things never to discuss in a crowd, politics and religion.

Well to that doesn’t include humorous stories. I hope you agree?

The preacher was preparing his sermon for Sunday while he was shaving when he

cut himself rather badly, requiring a band aid. Knowing it would bring attention on

Sunday morning he was prepared. “Now my Brothers and Sisters I know you are

wondering about this bandage on my chin and I must tell you I was so engrossed in

the sermon today that I cut myself shaving. I will be ok not to worry.” He then

proceeded with the sermon. After the service and the plate was past the preacher

retired to his chambers to count the offerings of the day. In the bottom of the plate

he found a note which read: “Preacher you should a paid more attention to the

shaving and cut the sermon!”

In a small town in the Midwest it was common place for the local ministers to be

friends no matter what the faith. One summer day a threesome of preachers went

fishing. They rowed out into the lake a ways when one of the preachers got up,

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“I’ll be right back, I forgot my hooks.” He stepped out of the boat a scurried across

the top of the water to the shore and returned. The youngest of the three was in awe

of the faith of the older man that allowed him to walk on water. A short time later

the second preacher stood, “I need more bait.” He then stepped out of the boat and

scurried across the top of the water to the shore and returned. Again the young

preacher was in awe of the faith of his two companions. He now felt challenged, so

he stood; hoping his faith was as strong as the others, “I left my fish net in the car

I’ll be right back.” He stepped out of the boat and sank in the water. With hand a

flailing the first turned to the second, “Do you think we need to tell him where the

rocks are before he drowns?”

Little Johnny came home from Sunday school. “Well Johnny what did you learn

about today?” asked his mom. “Well”, thought Johnny, “We learned about

Solomon.” “Oh and what did you learn about Solomon?” “We learned that he had

lot of wives and was a big farmer!” Johnny responded with confidence. “A big

farmer?” questioned mom. “Ya he had over a hundred wives and 200 combines.”

Three men decided to do a little golfing. These weren’t you ordinary golf trio.

They were Moses, Jesus, and a third man. They had played a few holes when they

came to a hole surrounded by water. Moses tees off and the ball heads towards the

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water. As it reaches the lake the waters part and the ball rolls up to the green. Jesus

tees off and his ball heads for the water except his ball just skips across the top of

the water and rolls up on the green. The third man tees off and his ball hits a tree,

at that point a passing squirrel grabs the ball and takes off across the course, when

all of a sudden a hawk swoops down and picks up the squirrel and flies off. The

hawk, the squirrel, and the golf ball are flying through the air when a lightning bolt

comes out of a passing cloud strikes the hawk that then drops the squirrel. The

squirrel hits the ground loosing the ball that rolls into the cup. A hole in one! Jesus

speaks up “Nice shot Dad!”

One Sunday local church goers were met at the meeting house door by a sign: “NO

SERVICE TODAY DUE TO ILLNESS” Looking down on all of this was a young

angel immediately blew up and ran to ST Peter “Did you see that? He’s not sick

he’s going to play golf! We need to strike him with an illness!” “Patience my son it

will all work out” replied St Peter. So the angel watched on. The preacher teed off

on hole one; the longest drive he had ever hit two bounces on the green and right in

the hole. The scene was repeated hole after hole and with each drive the preacher

grew with excitement. At about hole nine, the angle was livid “You did this didn’t

you? How can you reward him for his lies? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?”

screamed the angel? “Patience, my son it will all work out” came the response.

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After 18 holes of perfect golf, 18 Hole in ones, the preacher was besides himself.

The angel could stand no more “I’m taking this to the top, how could you reward

him for his lies? I’ve seen him play before he’s not that good!” “Think of it my

young son the preacher just hit 18 hole in ones, a perfect game in fact the game of

a life time.” Ya so” blurted out a frustrated angel. “So” responded St Peter, “Who is

he going to tell?”

A man down on his luck gets down on his knees and prays “Please God let me win

the lottery?” Wednesday passes by, no win. The next week “Please God let me win

the lottery?” Again the drawing passes with no win. Again the man pleads “Please

God let me win the lottery?” This time an answer “Give me a break! Buy a stupid

ticket!”

With the recent natural disasters I am reminded about the man who when faced

with the advancement of a terrible storm, refused to leave. The waters began to rise

and a rescue team came by and ask if help was needed “No God will save me”

came the response. The waters continued to rise, this time a boat stopped to save

the man. “No God will save me” was the response. The waters continued to rise to

the point the man was driven to the roof top. This time a helicopter came to help

and again the man refused “No God will save me.” The waters swept the man off

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the roof and he perished. As he reached the gates of heaven the angry man

demanded an answer to his question “Why am I here, God was to save me?” St

Peter responded “Look he sent you a rescue team, a boat, and a helicopter!”

A pizza delivery guy was speeding through the streets of Rome when a Police man

stopped him. “Why are you speeding?” “Well the Pope has ordered pizza” came

the response. “I don’t believe you!” “It is true officer follow me and I’ll prove it to

you.” “Okay, but if you are lying you will not see the light of day for a long time”

threatened the officer. They took off and headed for Vatican City. When they pulled

up the pizza guy honked his horn and got out of the car as a door opened and the

Pope peeked out and motioned for the young man to come in. Knowing a large tip

might be involved the policeman waited until the return of the delivery man.

“Okay I believe you but the law must be enforced unless you give me half your

tip” said the officer. “You want half my tip?” “That’s the deal or you will receive

the punishment!” “Okay, here you are.” The young man then moved his hand from

the center of his forehead to his chest and said “there you go.”

Three young friends enter the ministry together. They were young McTavish a fine

Irish lad, Giovonni, a strong Italian lad, and Sicola a young lad from Poland. They

all graduated from the seminary and received their stations for service. A few years

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passed and the three were united with one noticeable difference. It was Bishop

McTavish, Bishop Giovanni, and Father Sicola. This bothered the young Father but

he figured his time would come. Again years passed and again the three were

united. This time it was Cardinal McTavish, Cardinal Giovonni, and Father Sicola.

This time Father Sicola was visibly shaken. So he went to the head Cardinal to find

out why; what had he done wrong? “My son you are a faithful servant. But this is a

church of progression and we never know who will be chosen to lead the church.

I’m afraid the world would not take the church seriously if it was to be lead by

“Pope Sicola.”

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young

mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen

window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back

of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and

stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. ‘Why on earth

did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in

anger. 'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was baptizing

him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

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Chapter 7

Stories for the holidays

These next few stories I feel are appropriate for a few specific holidays. The stories

fit St. Patrick’s Day and Christmas.

The story is told about the funeral of Old Mr. Mac Tavish. In Ireland a few things

are certain the town sits at the bottom of the hill and the cemetery is on the top of

the hill. The other thing is the Irish are morn their dead by celebrating. This was

the case with Mac Tavish, his drunken pallbearers where carrying him up the rocky

incline as they reached the top the unthinkable happened; they dropped him. Down

the hill he slides, bouncing and crashing. Of course the mourners could do nothing

to help the matter so they sat down and drank a toast to the rapidly departing

coffin. Well poor Mac Tavish continued his slide gaining speed the farther he went.

Reaching the bottom of the hill the box hit the curb, bounced in the air, and crashed

through the window of the pharmacy. At that point Mac Tavish slid across the bar

and came to a crashing stop. On impact the lid flew open and Mac Tavish sat

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straight up in the box “Pardon me but would ya be havin something to stop me

coffin.”

A couple took a long awaited trip to Russia. There they secured a tour guide by the

name of Rudolph. Hour passed and the tour was going well until it began to rain.

“Well” the husband spoke up “It looks like snow is in the air.” “I’m sorry sir but it

never snows this early, it is just a slight rain” corrected Rudolph. “I beg to differ

with you sir but that is definitely snow!” demanded the know it all husband. “Sir I

know Russian weather and it is rain!” the bickering continued back and forth for

several minutes when the wife had had enough “Look” she shouted, “Rudolph, the

Red knows rain dear!”

If you have ever taken a trip to the south you have probably seen those majestic

motels with their archways and large open foyers. They are very beautiful and

often the site of many events. This story is about one of those events. A few years

back an organization of Chess players scheduled a conference and tournament at a

very beautiful motel. As they began to check in the seasoned Concierge had to step

away momentarily so he turned the registration over to his new associate. “Now

these are a very special group of people so treat them right, Okay.” The man

stepped away, in his absence the members of the club grew in number rapidly.

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There was a buss of commotion in the foyer. Now if you know Chess players they

tend to brag a lot, you know, “I beat so n so in x many moves.” Well the more the

players the more the bragging. Finally the young assistant yells out “EVERY ONE

OUT!” and he emptied the foyer. The concierge returned to an empty room.

“Where is every one?” “I sent them away” came the response. “YOU WHAT?” “I

sent them away.” “Why on earth would you do that?” demanded the older man.

“Look you know how they get and the one thing I can’t stand is Chess nuts

boasting in an open Foyer!”

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a

bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the

bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried

and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only

polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the

bird’s vocabulary.

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Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot

yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and

even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird

and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and

kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard

for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the

freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and

actions? I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions

and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and

obnoxious behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about

to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his

behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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Chapter 8

How long is this thing?

This chapter has a very special pair of stories. These are two of the longest stories I

know. I hope you will be awake at the end of this chapter.

You have all been places where there is someone everybody knows kinda like

Norm on the show “Cheers.” This story is about Leroy. Now Leroy had his favorite

bar he frequented, so much so that when he walked in his drink was waiting on

him. This time when he arrived Leroy was bombarded with questions, “Where

have you been?” “I had to take a little trip to see a friend of mine Ronald Reagan”

responded Leroy. “You don’t know Ronald Reagan”, doubted the bar tender. “Oh

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yes I do.” This was unbelievable to the bar tender “You mean to tell me you know

Ronald Reagan the former President? Prove it!” “Okay” said Leroy “Let me

borrow your phone.” The bartender placed the phone on the bar and Leroy dialed

the number, “Hey Ronnie, this is Leroy how you doing? Say I need a favor from

you could you say hi to a friend of mine?” Leroy hand the phone to the bartender

“Here he wants to say hi.” The bartender takes the phone and on the other end he

hears “Hi Leroy’s friend this is Ronald Regan how are things?” “Mr. President,”

asked the bartender “You really know Leroy?” “Yes, every body knows Leroy!”

The bartender hung up the phone “Wow, I am impressed, thanks for letting me talk

to the President.” “No problem,” and with that Leroy went home.

A few days passed, this time Leroy was in an obvious hurry. “Can’t stay tonight

I’m going to a party.” “So where is the party?” asked the bartender. “Hey, you

should go with me it will be fun I’m going to Robert Redford’s place” said Leroy.

This was too much for the bartender, “Okay you’re on, cause there is no way you

know Robert Redford.” So off they went to the party. They drove over to this large

home in Malibu, and walked into a large room full of people. “There he is over

there” pointed Leroy. “Let’s go and I’ll introduce you.” As they got closer Leroy

spoke, “Robert this is a friend of mine.” “Well hello Leroy’s friend welcome to my

party.” Again the question “Do you really know Leroy?” “Sure every body knows

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Leroy”, came the response. “Wow you really do know Robert Redford. First

Reagan and now Robert Redford. I am really impressed!”

The days passed and Leroy arrived at the bar on his regular day. “So Leroy, what

great surprises do you have for me today? Any big parties to go to,” asked the

bartender a little sarcastically. “Well not today, but I am taking a trip next week. I

am going to Italy. I have a special visit with the Pope.” “Yeah whatever you don’t

know the Pope. I mean it was unbelievable that you knew the other two guys but

there is no way you know the Pope!’ “I guess the only way to know for sure is for

you to travel with me.” The bartender agreed and the next week arrived and off

they went to Rome. When they arrived they drove to Vatican City. There they

walked into the court yard. “Sorry but they are a little particular who gets in to see

the Pope so you’ll have to stay here. The Pope and I will come out on the balcony.”

“Yeah, yeah, what ever,” came the doubting response. Leroy left and shortly

showed up on the balcony with the Pope. “HI Leroy’s friend,” yelled the Pope with

a wave. Leroy looked down and his friend was laying on the ground. Leroy ran

down and across the courtyard to his friend. When he got him revived Leroy asked

what had happened, the bartender responded, “You know it was hard enough to

believe that you know Reagan and Robert Redford, it was even harder to believe

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that you know the Pope, but when that little old lady came up and asked who was

that old guy standing with Leroy it was more than I can take!”

Well if that wasn’t long enough for you this last one should do you in. It takes

place I a remote location in the eastern United States. A traveler checked into a

large hotel for the night, on the way to his room he passed a large solid oak door

with a sign on it “DO NOT ENTER”. He made it to his room and was laying on

the bed when he noticed a picture on the wall. A closer look at the photo revealed it

was a photo of a massive gorilla wearing one blue tennis shoe and one pink tennis

shoe. The man laid back down on the bed but he couldn’t sleep. “What is behind

the oak door and did it have something to do with the gorilla?” Finally it proved to

be too much for the man so he got out of bed and quietly snuck down the hall and

opened the door and went in. The door opened into a long hall way. The man

walked down the hall until he came to a 500lb metal door. He turned the latch and

with a grunt he pulled the door open. Again a long hall way, and at the end was

another door. This time it was a 2000 lb sliding door. The man opened the latch and

pushed open the heavy door, only to find another hallway. At the end of this was a

5000 lb over head door. The man unlocked the latch and pushed the button and the

massive door slowly opened. More empty hallway met the man’s gaze. This time at

the end of the hallway was a massive pair of 10000 lb swinging double doors. The

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man pulled the rope and the doors opened to reveal a large room. In the corner was

a cage and in the cage was a large gorilla asleep on the floor and on his feet were

one blue tennis shoe and one pink tennis shoe. On the door of the cage a sign “DO

NOT TOUCH!” Although the temptation was there to find out what would happen

the man left the room, pulled the rope and closed the 10000 lb swinging doors. He

walked through the 5000 lb overhead door and pushed the button and closed the

door, then made his way through the 2000 lb door and pushed it shut. He made his

way down the hall and through the 500 lb door and pulled it shut and lastly he

made his way through the solid oak door and closed it behind him and went to his

room and back to bed. That last only an hour and the picture on the wall seemed to

call to him so he jumped out of bed and headed for the solid oak door and went in.

He walked down the hall and came to the 500 lb door, unhooked the latch, pulled

open the door and headed down the hall to the 2000 lb door and pushed it open and

walked down the hall. Pushed the button and opened the 5000 lb overhead door

and headed for the 10000 double swinging doors, pulled the rope, opened the doors

and went into the room. He stood there trying to build his courage. Slowly he

walked to the cage, reached his through the cage, got almost to the sleeping gorilla

and couldn’t touch his so he headed for the 10000 lb double swinging door and

reached to pull the rope and stopped “What are you some kind of a chicken” he

asked himself. He turned around and headed for the cage. This time he was

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determined to complete the task at hand, so he reached through the cage, got to

with in an inch of the gorilla and stopped; he couldn’t do it and pulled back. This

time he just stood there and stared at the gorilla. He began to argue with himself

“You wuss, come on you can do this! All you have to do is touch him, just reach

out and touch him. How hard can this be?” he reaches in and this time he does it,

he touches the gorilla! The gorilla jumps up and gives out a huge roar, the man

jumps back, startled by the gorilla. The man takes off and runs to the 10000 lb

double swinging doors. Just as he gets there the gorilla rips the door off the cage

and heads for the man. He pulls the rope and closes the doors. As he gets to the

5000 overhead door he hears the gorilla break through the 10000 lb swinging

double doors. The man pushes the button and closes the overhead door and heads

for the 2000 lb sliding door; just as he gets there the gorilla breaks through the

5000 lb overhead door. The man struggles and pushes the 2000 lb door shut and

runs to the 500 lb metal door only to hear the 2000 lb door come crashing down, he

quickly closes the 500 lb metal door. When he gets to the 200 lb solid oak door the

500 lb metal door crashes open, the man closes the 200 lb solid oak door and heads

for his car. Once in the car he looks in the mirror only to see the gorilla crash

through the 200 lb solid oak door. The man takes off in his car, his is going 30 mph

in first gear and the gorilla is gaining on him. Second gear and 40 mph and still the

gorilla is gaining, he shifts to third and is up to 60 and still the gorilla is picking up

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speed; 4th gear and is up to 80 mph and the gorilla is right on his bumper, “BOOM”

the tire blows and the car screeches to a stop, the man jumps out drops to his knees,

“Please don’t eat me!” the man pleads as the gorilla runs up and roars at the man,

he then reaches out, the man fearing certain death collapses to the ground. The

gorilla roars again, reaches out slaps the man on the shoulder “TAG you’re it!”

Chapter 9

One liner’s

This chapter deals with quick humor, you know the one line come backs and jokes

that are by design just told in one line or so. Each one could easily fit in any of the

other chapters but they should be together.

Did you hear about the cow that got hooked up on a fence? She was udderly

detached!

Or the cow that slipped and fell on the ice? She was udderly depressed!

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How about the cow running through the tall grass, you guessed it she was udderly

tickled!

Have you ever wondered when you drop an object if it is gravity or does the earth

suck?

Do you know the last thing to go though a bugs mind as he hits the windshield?

His butt!

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Some

one who lays awake at night and wonders if there is a DOG!

I am sure you know someone who could use a plexiotomy. That is where you cut

out a square in the mid section of the stomach and replace it with Plexiglas so

when they have their head up their butt they can see where they are going.

Why do some people have their name on their belts? It is so when they pull their

head out they will know who they are!

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What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf? A little sucker about 3 ft

tall?

Remember this one from when you were a kid, what goes 999 thump, 999 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg!

What do toilet paper and Captain Kirk have in common? They both circle Uranus

in search of Klingons!

What was Spock doing looking into the toilet? He was trying to read the Captain’s

Log!

Why did Captain Kirk take a leak off the bow of the Enterprise? He bravely

wanted to go where no man had gone before!

We have all heard the acronyms for thing like Ford – first on race day or found on

road dead; GMC – garage mans companion; I like Pontiac – poor Old Norwegian

thinks it’s a Cadillac.

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Now the next few some might consider to be very smarty pants responses, but

that’s ok they probably are.

I know you have heard the adage “Were you born in a barn?” an appropriate

response I have given is “Yes and jackasses like you make me home sick!”

This one can be used when the time has come for some one to leave the area,

“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”

I don’t know why but bodily functions seem to really generate a lot of humor. To

this point there is a definition of types of people who generate such functions.

There are those who are known as “Drive by Farters” – those who fart while

quickly moving through an area. The “Sadistic Farter” – one who farts in bed then

covers the partner’s head with the blankets. You have the ever popular “Pull my

finger” – no explanation needed. Then the manly “Kick start the Harley” – done

while kicking the right leg.

While we are on the subject I have heard that most women can’t fart. They don’t

leave their mouths closed long enough to build up pressure!

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Chapter 10

Life reminds me of a story.

This chapter is devoted to the focus that real life often brings with it the best

stories. To my knowledge the following are true I just changed the names to protect

the innocent.

As I said earlier in the book, my father was one who made stories happen. He

loved to fish, he would never eat them but he loved the sport. He was one of those

guys that could just read the water and knew where the fish would be biting. One

even he was in one of those spots and the fishing was hot! Down the shore line a

ways was an older couple and they were not having any luck at all. Well dad being

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dad things became a little more animated and the show began. “Okay you fish out

there you know who this is, let’s get busy out there!” The words would barely

leave his mouth and he would have a fish on. “That’s what I’m talking about let’s

keep her coming!” The longer this went on the louder he got and the more fish he

caught. Finally the old couple could stand it no longer “Hey mister!” came the plea

from down the shore line, “You want to come down here and talk to our fish?”

Fishing, to my dad and his brother, was as important as breathing on some days.

There was always a spirit of competition. One fall evening we were all fishing at a

beautiful mountain lake and the fish were going crazy. My uncle had hooked the

“BIG ONE” and was having quite the struggle. “Looks like quite a fish?” dad

spoke up. “Ah ya he’s a big one!” my uncle responded as the struggle continued.

Dad watched for while then reached up and cut my uncle’s line with a knife. You

know they say paybacks are tough; well a short time later the fish was on “the

other foot” as they say and Dad had one on the line “Man that looks like a big

one”, stated my uncle. The battle with the fish continued until my uncle came up

behind Dad took his foot and kicked dad into the lake!

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A story is told from his child hood that takes place during the depression. In order

to save the morning milk the kids would eat their cereal with fork so the next kid

would have milk for their cereal.

I remember a story about this older couple sitting out on the porch swing. Now in

those days a lot of the farm houses had modern amenities such as running water

and such, but they often still had a functioning out house. Well Uncle Ben

preferred the out house for some reason. This particular evening he and Aunt Beth

were sitting together and Aunt Beth noticed Uncle Ben was beginning to fidget a

little. “Ben you best be going,” she said. They just kept swinging, again “BEN, I

am telling you, you best be getting in there!” Uncle Ben was noticeably under

stress and finally could take it no more and headed for the outhouse. Just as he

stepped up the most disgusting sound could be heard. It was kind of a rumbling /

gurgling / farting sound. Uncle Ben stopped in mid-step, turned around and headed

for the house. As he passed you could hear a squish, squish, squish sound with

each step.

Now out houses were a big part of my life. On three separate occasions I lived in

houses with out modern conveniences. I remember the one time when my aunt and

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uncle moved up the road we were so jealous, they had one of the newer models of

out house, it was a three holer, small medium and large. I’m talking up town!

I often heard stories about tipping out houses as a sport back in the day. This

usually happened at night. I am told this was great fun until one farmer had had

enough and knowing the attack route, moved the outhouse forward roughly 5 feet.

There was a sound of sloshing noises one night as the unknowing attackers found

the pit first.

I grew up in a small town in Colorado were fall was hunting season. I mean

schools would close to allow teachers time to hunt. Now this also makes for some

very interesting stories.

Each year, during hunting season, the Game and Fish Department would set up

game check stations. This was to catch unsuspecting poachers. One such fellow

had shot a deer and threw it in the back of his truck then covered it with wood.

When he pulled into the check station he was asked the usual questions to which

the man replied “Why no I wasn’t hunting, I was getting wood for the winter.”

When ask about seeing any game “No not an animal!” “Well then”, questioned the

Game Warden, “Can you explain to me why your wood pile is bleeding to death?”

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This next story actually happened but should be in the “DUH” chapter. Deer

season had not opened yet but these two brothers decided to get theirs started early.

The saw a nice big buck beside the road, shot it, through it in the back of the truck,

covered it up and took off for home. As they were driving through town they

noticed every one they passed was pointing and laughing. They decided they

probably should stop and take a look. To their surprise, standing in the back of the

truck was the buck, dazed and confused. So the one brother grabbed the sledge

hammer and knocked it out as the other brother put the truck in gear and this time

they were in a bit of a hurry!

As I said I grew up in a small town in Colorado. And it was during this time when

streaking was making in it big. Well the story is told about a man who wanted to go

streaking through one of the local bars. He expressed this desire to the owner and

the local Sheriff and was informed that if he offended anyone he would probably

get arrested. With that the man went around and asked permission from the

patrons. Everyone gave permission so the fells dropped his laundry and paraded

around with nothing on but a smile and his cowboy boots. One problem, he didn’t

asked the lady in the restroom, who upon entering the bar, was startled and let out a

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scream. Let’s just say his night ended shortly there after! I am thinking he probably

got off for lack of evidence!

It had come time, dad had decided, that our dog should be neutered. And growing

up on a farm, dad knew how to do things with out the need of a Vet. Famers use a

device that uses rubber bands, it opens the bands up wide enough to slip over the

males package. Then you give the band a nudge so that it slides off the device and

with a snap it cinches down and cuts off circulation and in time the bag falls off.

Well this was the plan for my dog. Dad and my uncle got the dog on the back

porch. My uncle’s job was to hold the dog and dad was to do the rest. Good plan

until the moment when dad slipped the band off on the dog. Dad jumped up ran out

the door and closed it leaving my uncle on the back porch with a dog that had just

had a rubber band snap down on his privates. Luckily there were no injuries to my

uncle.

They say that life comes full circle. For instance, we have all heard the stories

about when we were children and through no fault of our own we put our parents

in an awkward spot. Like the time a friend of mine tried to pass his mom to a store

clerk as a “widow woman” when the truth of the matter is his dad traveled with

work a lot.

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He related the story that years later while standing in line at a grocery store with

his young son, they found themselves behind a rather large man. The man reached

down a picked up 5 – 6 large candy bars to which the son turned to my friend and

in a loud voice said “I know why this guy is so fat!”

Another friend was telling me about the time he was having rough time with his

daughter. She was approaching her teens and they were just not seeing eye to eye

this one day. He had had enough so he sent her to her room, about an hour passed

and she showed up at the top of the stairs. When he turned around she was standing

there with her hands on her hips looking very serious. He looked at her “I don’t

know what your problem is young lady?” “Well”, she snapped back “Mom says it’s

my hemorrhoids!” Trying to keep the seriousness of the situation and not totally

loose it, “I think she meant hormones.” “What ever dad!” and with that she

stormed down the stairs.

Not much time passed and he comes into work with a fresh batch of cookies and a

big smile on his face. He then proceeded to tell us that his daughter had made the

cookies and it was her first time. So mom was giving careful instruction and got to

the point where she told the girl “Now that all the ingredients are in the bowl you

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mix by hand.” Mom left the room and on return found the girl wrist deep in the

mixture. “WHAT are you doing?” The girl looking some what confused “You told

me to mix by hand?” “I meant with a spoon!”

Another friend had two young sons and they were a handful. He never knew what

he would get into when he got home. It was nothing to find them standing on the

deck with trash bags tied to their backs playing GI Joes and preparing to depart the

deck and parachute to the ground. The thing that really got his attention was the

day he had taken them to a football game only to leave early because the boys were

cold. A few minutes passed and the boys ran out side to play. Now this really

ticked of my friend, the boys went outside with out coats. What happened next

really caused a stir. He went outside later that afternoon and as he passed the

garage door a smell of smoke caught his attention. When he opened the door he

came unglued; there in the middle of the floor was a pile of ashes from a recent

fire. He ran in the house called his two young sons to the kitchen and demanded an

answer. “Well when we got home we were still cold so we built a fire to get

warm.” “ARE YOU CRAZY? You could have burned the place to the ground”.

Their next response was priceless. “Well that is why you have insurance!”

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I am sure that would have been a great story around the old firehouse. You know

the EMT’s get some pretty crazy calls; I heard on the news years ago about a 911

call to an apartment building in New York. Neighbors heard cries for help and

called 911. To their surprise they found a young woman tied to the bed post and a

man in a Batman costume laying unconscious on the floor. The story was one to

remember. The couple was man and wife. She was a damsel in distress and Batman

was to come to her rescue. All went well until the man leaped from the dresser and

wound up head first in the ceiling fan which rendered him unconscious. His poor

wife, tied to the bed post, naked and helpless could do nothing but scream for help.

Having Grand parents around is a wonderful thing for the children, especially as

they get older (the grand parents that is). One family tells the story about a time

when the Grandpa was staying over for a few days. Now Grandpa was a character;

one day as the two grand daughters were coming home Grandpa was sitting on the

front porch with the family dog and he was just shaking his head. “What’s wrong

Grandpa?” the girls asked. “I heard all about you girls.” Again there was head

shaking. “What did you hear, and who told you?” “Well this old dog told me all

about you.” “Oh Grandpa dogs don’t talk. You’re being silly!” This bantering went

on for several minutes, when the girls entered the house they ran in “Mom do you

think Grandpa really thinks the dog can talk?”

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This reminds of the time I saw and old friend of mine talking to some teenage girls.

They were just laughing and carrying on with the 83 year old gentleman. When

they left I walked over and asked “Why you old fart are you flirting with those

young ladies?” He just smiled “You know at my age you can say just about any

thing and they think you’re cute because you’re old.”

I was told a story about a guy who was a department manager in a manufacturing

company. One of his employees told him she wouldn’t be in to work the next day

because she was going to the Podiatrist to get her eyes checked. I guess it could

have been worse, she could have said Proctologist!

That reminds me about a report I saw one time about actual reasons given as

reasons for an accident. The one I like is “When I saw the cyclist in the road I

swerved several times before I hit him!”

Personally I was involved in an accident where I rear ended a GEO Metro with my

full sized Bronco. The actual citation stated the violation was “Starting a stopped

vehicle!” I may have pushed him a little and put the back seat into the front seat

but the car didn’t start.

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I said at the start of the book that I grew up around humor. I am a firm believer that

humor is important in traveling down the road of life. My dad was an example of

that. In the summer of 2004 he was diagnosed with lung cancer. When I first saw

him he looked so frail. The decision was made to transfer him to a hospital 110

miles away. When I got to his room he looked like a different man. He was sitting

up in bed eating a sandwich. A nurse came in to insert an IV; she got all prepped

“Now you might feel a little stick” said the nurse. About that time dad started

kicking his feet and screaming “OW, OW, OW” then he looked at me with this

huge smile on his face and winked at me. He kept his laughter to the end.

Well I am sure there will be more stories out there to enjoy. Thank you for taking

the time to spend with these stories. My hope that your lives will be fill with

moments in time that will remind you of a story. If it does, share it!

Copyright 2009

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