Polyamory 1

Running Head: Polyamory

Polyamory

SOCW 5317

Professor Elizabeth Page

The University of Texas at Arlington

November 26, 2008

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Polyamory

Definition: What is polyamory?

According to www.xeromag.com/poly101.pdf, polyamory is

the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of

loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously

choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting

social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is from

the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour (meaning “love”); hence

“many loves” or Polyamory.

White points out that most of the definitions of polyamory found on the Internet

"utilize words like ethical, responsible, honorable, open, honest, intentional, and

principled" (2004, p. 20). By the definition itself, it is obvious that the culture of

polyamory goes against social norms; therefore, the beliefs of this group must be

understood in order to properly counsel any member that labels oneself as being

polyamorous.

For those social workers that have never heard of polyamory, it might be common

to equate this culture with “swingers” and the behavior identified as “swinging”.

Although the two are not mutually exclusive, there is a difference in beliefs between the

two groups. Swinging has an emphasis on couples engaging in recreational sex with

others in a party atmosphere. Polyamory is primarily a relationship-oriented approach to

non-monogamy rather than a casual-sex oriented approach.

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When in a polyamorous relationship, persons within this culture refer to the group

dynamic as an intentional family, which is defined as “a relationship in which three or

more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live

together.” (www.xeromag.com/poly101.pdf) As with other family dynamics, there can be

any number of issues involved in providing services to members of this cultural group.

Historical and Current Day Concerns/Issues

Historically polyamory was very prevalent in Rome and Greece although it was

not called polyamory at the time. The Greeks and Romans did not think of sexuality in

terms of homosexuality or heterosexuality. It is historically held that many men desired to

have sexual relations with other men and were often married to women at the same time.

Ancestral law in ancient Sparta mandated same-sex relationships for all adult men so

long as the men also had wives and produced children. The Spartans thought that physical

relationships between older and younger soldiers would solidify combat loyalty and

encourage heroic tactics as men vied to impress their lovers. Once the younger soldier

passed a certain age, the relationship was supposed to become non-sexual, but it is not

clear how strictly this was followed (http://www.indopedia.org/Bisexuality.html).

Many notable and historic figures have conducted multiple simultaneous

relationships that nevertheless would not be considered "polyamorous" because of the

absence of "full knowledge and consent." In Victorian England, for instance, the

difficulty and stigma of divorce often left a rich man's wife little choice but to tolerate his

mistresses, who themselves might be dependent on him for financial support. These
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relationships would not fall under the current standards due to lack of open and honest

communication, although it is thought that the wives did indeed have knowledge of the

mistresses. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_polyamorists)

Although polyamory is being thought of as a cultural group as opposed to a

disorder in this paper, persons that I have spoken to within this group have concerns

about this lifestyle being added to the DSM. Furthermore, certain practices occasionally

found within this culture such as BDSM, the practice of bondage, discipline and sado-

masochism are found in the DSM. There is a movement within that community to have

BDSM removed from the DSM before the printing of the next edition, scheduled to be

released in 2012. Many people within the BDSM and polyamory lifestyles resent that

BDSM is currently listed as a disorder and are lobbying for that lifestyle choice to be

deleted from the DSM or changed from a disorder to a lifestyle choice.

(http://ncsfreedom.org/)

Implications for Social Work Practice: Values and Ethics

The NASW Code of Ethics is the basic code of conduct that all social workers are

required to follow. All core values must be kept in mind at all times. In relation to the

polyamory culture it is obvious that the two core values that will need to be closely

followed are dignity and worth of the person and the importance of human relationships.

I also see empowerment and self-determination as two important ethical responsibilities

to be focused on within the scope of providing services to members of the poly culture.
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Davidson addressed the value of empowerment during her 2002 speech before the

Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality stating,

Many women, in particular, relish the feeling of owning their desires, bodies and

sexual-loving choices as a means of challenging generations of patriarchal

oppression [through the] capacity to meet more of one's emotional, intellectual

and sexual needs [while] accepting that one person cannot provide all.

Conversely, [she is released] from the expectation that one must meet all of a

primary partner's needs. A polyamory-aware therapist can assist in the aftermath

of a breakup by affirming that the client is not letting the polyamorous community

down in ending their relationship, and by assisting them in regaining the courage

to pursue this type of bond again if they choose to.

In a paper presented at the 8th Annual Diversity Conference, March 12th, 1999 in

Albany, New York, Geri D. Weitzman listed many ways that therapists can be of help to

polyamorous individuals and partners:

- helping one partner to decide how to raise the idea of becoming polyamorous to

another

- helping partners to decide if polyamory is right for them

- helping partners to decide what form of polyamory is best for them

- helping partners to negotiate the agreements and boundaries of their relationship

- helping polyamorous individuals to locate polyamorous communities in their

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region

- pointing them to resources such as articles and books and websites on

polyamory

- helping polyamorous individuals to approach the coming out process

- helping polyamorous individuals to cope with and combat discrimination

- helping partners in a troubled relationship to negotiate solutions

- raising social awareness of polyamory, and combating stereotypes / prejudice

- changing language on forms (i.e. "name of partner/s," not "name of spouse")

- noting in counseling center brochures that polyamory is understood/accepted

- learning more on their own about polyamory issues, using the resources listed

- expanding textbooks on family psychology to include a chapter on polyamory

(http://www.polyamory.org/)

Proposed Changes in Individuals/Communities and Society

As of this time there is no real movement to cause social change around this

culture other than many polyamorists would like to legally marry their same-sex primary

partner. I have heard within the community that if same sex marriage were to be made

acceptable, it would open the door to social acceptability of other types of

unconventional, and arguably immoral, liaisons, such as multiple simultaneous romantic

relationships/polyamory. However, most polyamorists do not easily share the information

that they consider themselves poly unless they are talking to members within this cultural

group.
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Social Work Intervention Strategies

There are usually three different polyamorous categories that therapists will most

likely see in practice.

The first is individuals involved in primary-plus arrangements. Primary-plus is

defined as a couple in a primary relationship (marriage or marriage-like) that mutually

agrees to pursue additional relationships individually. New lovers may become

“secondary partners,” i.e., influential, deep relationships invested with serious time and

energy commitments, or “tertiary partners”, i.e. occasional lovers.

The second is monogamous couples wishing to explore non-monogamy for the

first time either through polyamory or swinging, many times the couple is not even clear

on the differences. The couple may be seeking ways to balance the current relationship

with the addition of other people into the lives of the members of the original/primary

relationship.

The third potential client category would be singles that embrace the idea of

leading a life of poly dating. Poly dating relationships differ from traditional forms of

“playing the field” in that the individual is not searching for a “Mr. /Ms. Right” though

perhaps seeking Mr. /Ms. Primary and makes full disclosure of intimate relationships to

all potential sexual partners. (Davidson, 2002)

Interventions

In considering an approach for intervention the immediate theory that comes to

mind is systems theory, in that each part must be considered in relation to the other parts
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that make up the whole. In a polyamorous family there are multiple systems represented.

For example, the simplest form of polyamory is a 3-person relationship called a Vee. In a

Vee, one person is called the hinge or pivot and two people make up the arms. The two

arms are not as commonly close to each other as each is to the pivot; however, in most

cases they are aware of, and are usually friends with, each other. This familial dynamic in

and of itself creates three systems, the pivot and each arm make up 2 systems and then

the two arms make up a system. The therapist’s concern is the function or dysfunction of

each system in reference to the other systems.

We as therapists must keep in mind that a poly family is a family of choice that

will have many of the same difficulties associated with a traditional family. Structural

family therapy can be useful when there is a need to assist the poly family in the

accomplishment of structural change. However, as social workers we are trained to be

eclectic and can therefore conceivably use experiential therapy, strategic family therapy,

cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychoanalytic family therapy, feminist theory or narrative

therapy depending on the skill sets of the social worker.

Goal setting for polyamorous clients, as well as all clients, will involve setting

specific, concrete and, in some cases, behavioral goals for the clients and their particular

family dynamic. These goals will need to be realistic, small, achievable, focused on

themselves as opposed to someone else, implementing a positive action rather than the

absence of a negative and attainable within a certain time period.

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Implementing Change

One of major components of a successful polyamorous relationship is the necessity for

open and honest communication between all partners. No member should ever feel “out

of the loop” due to a lack of communication. In most successful monogamous

relationships there is a great deal of time and energy expended just on articulating wants

and needs. One can only imagine the amount of time required and the difficulty in

creating balance in a poly-based relationship.

Therefore, communication skills would be one of the first things that I would

address in providing therapy. I would educate clients on how to assertively speak up for

their wants and needs within the relationships they have created. I would address the

various systems and encourage as many members of the family to attend sessions as

possible. During the research for this paper, it became clear that a knowledgeable and

caring community exists for those that identify as polyamorous. I would advise clients to

seek the resources to make their various relationships work. I would recommend books

and articles on communication techniques and styles, Internet research and involvement

in in-person as well as online support groups.

Conclusion

In conclusion, when working with clients that identify as polyamorous, it is

important to understand that it is a lifestyle choice. Most of this paper has assumed that

they have come to us for some sort of counseling, either individual or familial. However,

it is entirely possible that they had required some other service that falls under the scope
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of our positions as a social worker and they have come to us for whatever assistance that

might require that we are qualified to assist them with. It is my goal to keep what I have

learned about the “poly” culture and educate my fellow social workers about this culture

so that they too can have an understanding of the lifestyle choice called polyamory.
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References:

Cook, Elaine. (November 2005) Commitment in Polyamorous Relationships.

Retrieved November 10, 2008 from
http://www.aphroweb.net/papers/thesis/index.htm,

Davidson, J. (2002, April 16). Working with polyamorous clients in the clinical setting.
Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, 5. Retrieved November 6, 2008, from
http://www.ejhs.org/volume5/polyoutline.html.

http://ncsfreedom.org/, Retrieved November 5, 2008

http://www.indopedia.org/Bisexuality.html, Retrieved November 10, 2008

http://www.polyamory.org/, Retrieved October 15, 2008

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_polyamorists Retrieved November 2, 2008

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_ancient_Greece Retrieved November

16, 2008

http://www.xeromag.com/poly101.pdf, Retrieved November 8, 2008

White, V. (2004). A humanist looks at polyamory. Humanist 64(6) 17-20. Retrieved

November 3, 2008 from Academic Search Premier database.