Welcome to the BetterEssays.com College Admissions Essay Writing Guide.

We have brought together our extensive essay writing and editing experience to provide you with this excellent resource. The essay is a crucial part of the increasingly competitive college application process. This unique guide contains techniques and advice you won't find anywhere else.

1. Getting Started 2. Attack the Question 3. Picking the Topic 4. Essay Structure A. The Introduction 5. Revising your Essay 6. Quick Essay Tips Getting Started
The college essay is a critical part of the college application. Every year, colleges receive numerous applications from students with similar or identical grades, test scores, and extracurricular accomplishments. As a result, the essay has become the determining admissions factor in many cases. Whether or not your essay is outstanding can determine whether or not you are admitted. Your essay must shine. The purpose of the college essay is to provide the college admissions officers with a glimpse at the person behind the numbers and the awards. Your essay must be honest and truthful; the last thing an admission officer wants to read is a phony, contrived essay. It is also important to remember that your essay is just one in a towering pile of thousands of others. Unless your essay is interesting and engaging, you will lose an edge over the other applicants. With these guiding principles in mind, let's discuss the role of your essay in more detail. Because of the college essay's length (usually just a few hundred words) and its goal (to demonstrate that you are a special and interesting person), the best essays often incorporate some form of a brief, detailed personal narrative. In other words, your essay should tell a short story that reveals something about you. Because the essay is so short, it is typically a good idea to describe one or two events in detail rather than trying to tackle big issues or long chains of events. Here are some general guidelines: 1. Good writers know how to "Show, Not Tell" (S-N-T). Vivid verbs and imagery will make your essay shine. Use details and dialogue to describe events and leave the reader to draw his own conclusions; do not tell the reader what to think. For example, you should write an interesting, detail-rich description that tells the story of your experience writing and performing a song for the guitar rather than simply writing, "I have developed a keen interest in composing and playing music." That conclusion will be implied in your description. If you find you are unable to S-N-T, then consider writing your essay from a third-person point-of-view. This technique often brings a new perspective into your essay. 2. Your essay should be personal. This just means that the primary purpose of the essay is to let colleges see your true personality; it doesn't mean that you have to write about all the intimate details of your private life. 3. Write about something you are passionate about. If you don't care about your essay, no

B. The Body

C. The Conclusion

one else will either. 4. Your essay should tell a story. 5. Have a point. Your essay needs to have a main idea, or thesis. The main idea of your essay should be something unique and interesting about your personality that you want the college to know. You do not need to state your main idea outright in the form of a thesis statement; remember the rule of S-N-T. 6. Rewrite. You won't get it perfect on the first try. 7. Double-check your spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics. 8. Have someone else review your essay. People who have personal relationships with you (for example, your parents and close friends) may not be able or willing to give you impartial criticism, so make sure to have your essay reviewed by a professional and disinterested critic, such as your English teacher or an editor at BetterEssays.com

Attack the Question

The real question behind all college essay questions is: Can you show us something interesting and unique about you as a person? However, if the colleges asked that exact question, a lot of people would be stumped. So instead, the questions they come up with are designed to aid you in answering the real question. All essay questions fall into a few different categories. If you are applying to a school that uses the Common Application, here are the essay questions you have to choose from: 1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. 2. Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. 3. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. 4. Describe a character in fiction, an historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence. 5. Topic of your choice. You'll notice that the expression "on you" or "to you" appears in every question (except #5). That makes sense because the purpose of the essay is to reveal some of your personality to the application readers. Most of the major essay question types are represented on the Common Application. While one college may ask a more specific version of #2 by referring to a specific issue, or another college may make #5 more creative by asking you to submit part of your autobiography or by supplying you with the essay's first sentence and asking you to complete it, your essay question(s) will generally resemble one of these five. A key exception is the multiple short-answer essay approach. Some colleges require you to complete several brief statements rather than one long one. This approach can be beneficial because it takes the stress off each individual answer, giving you more of an opportunity both to take risks and to be conservative on your application. You should emphasize different unique aspects of your personality in each short answer response. This rule is no less true in the case of colleges that require two or three long essays; use each essay as a chance to show the college different unique aspects of your personality. If you write three essays all describing how much you love painting, you will lead the college to believe that there is nothing else interesting or unique about you. Read each essay question a few times, and then begin to think of topics for each answer.

Picking the Topic

This topic map exercise is designed to help you come up with a topic: Get a piece of paper and draw a circle in the center. Write your name in the circle. Next, draw six more circles in the space outside of your circle. Make one circle represent each of the following: what you value most, the most significant events in your life, your favorites, your achievements, the people (fictional and real) that have had the most influence on you, and your major goals. List the five most important items that fit under each category. Your favorites should include a book, a movie, a person, a place, and a thing. In addition to your achievements, list two significant failures. Beneath this topic map, make a list of the five personality traits that define you.

Now, get another sheet of paper and start a list of topics. Go through each word or phrase you have written down on the topic map and ask, "Why is this important to me?" The answer to that question can be a good main idea for your essay. But before you decide your essay will be about, be sure that you can answer "YES" to the following three questions: 1. Am I the only person that could write an essay on this topic? 2. Is this topic something I feel passionate about? 3. Will this essay be interesting to read and will I be able to write it well? Here are some topics to avoid: 1. General, non-personal essays on international, political, social, or academic topics. These make for boring, irrelevant essays. 2. Your beliefs about controversial issues, such as abortion, affirmative action, the Middle

East, etc. By writing about this sort of topic, you risk antagonizing whoever reads your essay. 3. Information that is provided somewhere else on your application. 4. Anything that casts you in a bad light. This is not the place to disclose your battle with heroin or how you've learned to manage your overwhelming anger. However, admissions officers do get tired of reading about perfect angels; describing a minor mistake or character flaw is fine. 5. Why you want to go to that college (unless this is the required essay). 6. The college application process. 7. A sports event that you participated in. 8. Summer camp (unless you had a unique and interesting experience). 9. Your trip abroad (also unless you had a unique and interesting experience). 10. How you learned to love yourself

Essay Structure
The college essay, unlike the persuasive essays that you've probably been taught to write in school, can be structured in a number of ways. The college essay is not generally the place for the standard five-paragraph essay, three-paragraph essay, or signposting (a technique also known as "Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em, Tell 'em, Tell 'em what you told 'em"). These essay formats are useful for straightforward exam essays and for brief persuasive arguments. They will not work well to reveal you and your personality to college admissions officers. However, this does not mean that college essays do not need structure. Most essays can be roughly broken down into three parts: A. The Introduction B. The Body C. The Conclusion

The Introduction
Your introduction must grab the reader's attention. If it isn't interesting, then the reader probably will not pay any attention to the rest of your essay. If you can't think of a good introduction, consider waiting to write the intro until after you're done with the rest of the essay. In some cases, it's best to just jump right into the narrative without tacking on a belabored introductory sentence. You should avoid an introduction that is too general ("From the dawn of history until the present day, mankind has produced music") or awkwardly rephrases the question ("If I were to describe a person who is important to me, I would pick"). In an academic essay, the introduction is usually an entire paragraph, but in a short college essay, the introduction will only be a sentence or two. Below are some examples of introductions: The Basic Intro "Among all the fictional characters that have influenced me, the one that has had the greatest effect on my life is Batman."

The basic intro simply introduces essay in a logical way. This intro is often based on the question. The basic intro sets a straightforward tone, so the essay that follows this type of intro is often short, sweet, and to the point.

The Narrative Intro "As I raced down the street that hot August day, I saw it rising in the distance." The narrative intro grabs the reader and pulls him right into your story. It can begin telling the story at the beginning, middle, or end. This technique for introducing a story, called in medias res, has made for compelling reading since ancient times, and it is sure to generate interest. Variations of the narrative intro include starting with part of a conversation or with a thought.

The Quote Intro "Andrew Jackson once said, 'You are uneasy; you never sailed with me before, I see.' I repeated that same quotation to my best friend just before the motorboat I was piloting began to sink." The quote intro begins with a quotation. Don't pick a quotation that is long, boring, irrelevant, or too serious. Also, do not focus on or analyze the quotation itself; it should only be used as a springboard into an essay about you. Do not pick an overly famous quotation (this rules out much of the Bible and Shakespeare). Do not use the quotation to try to sound smart.

The "I" Intro "I have always loved circus sideshows." The "I" intro tells the reader something about the author. It doesn't always have to begin with the word "I," but it often does. Apply this intro with caution because, by simply telling the reader something, it usually violates the rule of Show, Not Tell. The "I" intro can also sometimes sound clich or trite. Make sure this intro really works with your essay if you consider using it.

The Risky Intro "It was around ten o'clock and I was sitting handcuffed in the back of the squad car." The risky intro reveals something shocking or surprising about the applicant right from the start. This intro is guaranteed to keep the reader reading. Any other type of introduction can be made risky if it says something startling or jarring. Admissions officers get tired of reading about what perfect little angels the applicants are because they know that isn't the truth. Revealing a flaw or imperfection can be endearing. However, the next sentence in this essay had better not be, "It was the second time I had gotten busted for dealing crack in as many months." From a literary standpoint, this intro orients the reader for the rest of the

story by providing the details of the setting and time. You want to come across as humble and candid, not delinquent.

The Body
A good college essay can be structured in a number of ways. As we have mentioned, academic essay formats such as the five-paragraph essay are not generally well suited to college essays, unless you are specifically asked to present a logical, persuasive argument. No matter what essay format you choose, your essay should be personal (reveal a bit of yourself and your passions) and it should tell a story. All essays should have a main idea, but the main idea does not need to be spelled out in the essay --it should be illustrated (show it, don't tell it). Here are some structures that work well with college essays: Standard Essay Narrative Chronological Narrative Descriptive Narrative

There are certainly other structures that will produce a quality essay. No matter what structure is used, the body of the essay must present a consistent, logical flow of ideas. Standard Essay This structure is very simple, and it is not much different from academic writing. You begin by stating the main idea of your essay, then you describe some evidence --typically 3 points-- that backs up this idea, and then you bring everything back together with a conclusion. The conclusion must do more than just restate what has already been written. If you are having trouble writing, consider writing in this format because it is usually the easiest to work with. Even with this approach, remember that stories make for the most interesting reading. Consider making each of your evidence points a short story that illustrates your main idea. Or, you can begin your essay with a brief narrative. Certain essay questions sometimes call for the standard comparison essay, a variant of the standard essay. In this essay, you will compare two things. As in the standard essay, you state your thesis, provide evidence for that thesis, and then draw conclusions. However, in the comparison essay, you discuss what two things have and don't have in common. This technique is useful, for instance, if you are asked to compare yourself to a literary or historical figure.

Narrative A narrative is a story. No matter what the topic of your essay is, incorporating a story into the essay in some way is guaranteed to hold your reader's interest. A narrative can cover any length of time and describe any incident. The narrative can be incorporated into a more traditional essay format, or it can stand on its own as the entire essay. A narrative can also be a precise, detailed description of a single person, place, thing, situation, or event. Your

narrative should have a main idea, or theme. The theme of your essay should be something about your personality that you want to reveal to the college. Here are some tips about writing narratives: 1. You should Show, Not Tell. Use vivid verbs and imagery. 2. Use details. 3. Keep the story flowing. Chronological Narrative This structure works well for describing a single event. You tell the detailed story of what happened, one thing after another, in chronological order. At the beginning of the essay you should orient the reader by describing the setting (the time and place where the story begins). Then you proceed through the story describing each new occurrence in detail. Do not include details for the sake of detail, however. Details should be relevant to the main point of your essay. Remember, this story should illustrate something about you as a person. You should Show, Not Tell. Using detail does not mean overusing adjectives and adverbs-using detail means describing things precisely. The best use of detail is achieved through imagery (descriptions of things you can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch) and through vivid verbs (verbs that refer to a specific action-use 'sprinted' instead of 'ran very quickly.') Chronological narrative essays should not cover too much time; do not try to recount your entire life's story in five hundred words. Descriptive Narrative This structure can be used to tell the story of a single object, situation, setting, or person in great detail. Rather than telling a story that proceeds through time (as the chronological narrative does), this type of narrative tells a story that proceeds through space. An exemplary descriptive narrative might reveal a person's personality through a detailed description of a work of art that he or she has made.

The Conclusion
Your conclusion should fit naturally with the essay that precedes it. Because of the short length of college essays, you may not need a full paragraph for a conclusion. As with introductions, often a sentence or two will be enough. Many people are under the false impression that the conclusion should either (A) summarize what has already been said in your essay, or (B) explain the meaning of your essay. Both of these approaches lead to poor conclusions. Consider this horrible piece of advice from the College Board: "The conclusion can be a few sentences to nail down the meaning of the events and incidents you've described." DO NOT follow that advice. If you need a few sentences to "nail down the meaning" of what you've described or if you need to repeat what you've already written, then there is a problem with the body of your essay. Also, you do not need to (and should not) introduce your conclusion with the phrase "in conclusion," or anything along those lines. Here are some other things not to do: 1. Don't contradict the main idea of your essay. 2. Don't introduce new information. 3. Don't use clichs (anywhere in your essay).

4. Don't make it too long. 5. Don't summarize your essay. A good conclusion will flow naturally from the rest of the essay. It should provide a sense of completion, a signal that the essay is now over. Although it should not be a restatement of anything previously said, the conclusion should emphasize the main idea of the essay. Your conclusion can be a place to broaden the theme you have explored in the essay. Good conclusions leave the reader with a thought or idea to ponder after completing the essay, and they might also connect back to the introduction in some way to give the essay a sense of wholeness and completion. Here are some tips that can make your conclusion shine: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Emphasize your main idea, but not by restating a previous remark. Connect back to the introduction. Broaden the theme addressed in your essay. Use the same tone that you have used throughout your essay. Leave the reader with something to think about.

Now that you've finished your essay, you should revisit your introduction. If you haven't written one, now is the time to do it. If you do have one, ask yourself if it is all you want it to be. Does it flow with the rest of the essay? Does it grab the reader's attention?

Revising Your Essay

Before you revise your essay, take a break for a day or two and go outside or watch TV. It is impossible to do a good job editing a piece that you have just finished writing. First, go through your essay and remove all clichs and change the passive voice to the active voice wherever possible. Replace any "thesaurus words" (words that you wouldn't normally use in writing). Slang and informal expressions should also be eliminated (except in dialogue). Proofread for errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, and sentence mechanics. Next, read the essay to yourself to determine the following: 1. Does the essay answer the question (if there is one)? 2. Does the essay Show, Not Tell? 3. Does the essay use vivid verbs and imagery? 4. Does the essay tell a story? 5. Is this essay unique and personal? 6. Is this essay interesting? 7. Does it grab the reader's attention from the start? 8. Does it reveal a personal passion? 9. Does the essay make sense? 10. Does the essay have a main idea and does it illustrate that idea without stating it outright? 11. Does the essay proceed in a logical order, with each idea leading naturally to the next? 12. What would the admissions officer remember after reading this essay? 13. Do the introduction and the conclusion fit naturally into the essay? 14. Are the sentences varied in length? 15. Are there any errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, or sentence mechanics?

If you answered "NO" to any of the 15 questions, then fix the problem(s). Maybe there is something that just doesn't seem right. It is perfectly normal to significantly rewrite whole sentences and paragraphs several times during the process of revision. Next, read your essay aloud to yourself. How does it sound? You will probably notice some phrases that sound awkward or grammatically incorrect. Fix these phrases. Proofread again. Have someone else (preferably your English teacher) read your essay and make suggestions. Take these suggestions to heart and revise your essay again. Proofread again

Quick Essay Tips

People are often confused about the college essay and make common mistakes or follow bad advice. Here's what not to do: 1. Do not follow an essay writing formula you were taught in school. The college essay is not the place for the five-paragraph essay, the three-paragraph essay, or the signposting (a technique known as "Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em, Tell 'em, Tell 'em what you told 'em"). These essay formats are useful for simplistic exam essays and for brief, persuasive arguments. They will not work well to reveal you and your personal passions to the college of your choice. It's better to stick with a detailed, personal narrative. You should, of course, use general writing rules that you were taught in school. Your essay should have a main idea and progress in a logical way. 2. Do not explain your essay. Good writing stands on its own. Leave the reader to draw conclusions about your essay. 3. Do not use clichs. Clichs are trite, stale expressions like "hard as a rock," "tough as nails," and "big as a house." Clichs make your essay boring and make you look unoriginal. 4. Be careful with your parents' advice. Your parents may not know what makes a good college essay. The college application process today is quite different than it was a generation ago. Show your parents your essay once you have finished writing it, but be careful about soliciting their help during the writing process. Your parents love you most and want the best for you, but they may impose their voice on your work or turn your essay into a self-congratulatory list of all your accomplishments. 5. Do not use a thesaurus, smart friend, or parent to put big words into your essay . Rather than making you seem intelligent, these "thesaurus words" will often seem out of place and distracting. Write naturally. 6. Do not use slang, informal, or vulgar expressions. The writing in your essay should be respectful and sophisticated. Slang and informal expressions are not acceptable unless you are using dialogue or another consciously executed literary technique. 7. Do not overuse the passive voice. The passive voice --verb phrases that combine a form of the verb "to be" with the past participle of another verb-- is often boring and wordy. 8. Do not repeat the same word too many times. It is monotonous to read a paragraph where every sentence starts with the word "I." It is acceptable to repeat words, but if you find yourself using the same words over and over again, then something is wrong. 9. Do not use gimmicks. Thinking of sending those clothes pins you decorated in second grade as part of your essay? Think again. Gimmicks will not help you get in. Some schools allow you to provide a personal statement in a form other than a written essay (such as a drawing). Only attempt this route if you are particularly talented in the relevant discipline. 10. Do not write a resum. You will list your achievements elsewhere on your application. The essay is the place to reveal a bit of your personality.

And now, here are some tips to make your essay shine: 1. Show, Not Tell should be the guiding principle behind your essay . Use imagery --that is, detailed descriptions of things that you can see, hear, taste, touch, or smell. Vivid, detailed description will keep your reader hooked, whereas dryly stating facts and conclusions will bore your reader. However, do not include irrelevant details for their own sake. 2. Tell a story. People read to be entertained, engaged, and intrigued. The best college essays are written in the form of stories (narratives). 3. Write about something you are passionate about. Writing about a personal passion is a guaranteed way to make your personality show in the essay. Also, it is easiest to write about the things you like best. 4. Proofread. If your essay is riddled with errors in spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics, the college will think that you just don't care about your application 5. Vary the structure of your sentences . Too many short sentences make an essay seem choppy, and too many long sentences make an essay confusing and convoluted. Mix up short, medium, and long sentences to achieve a nice rhythm. 6. Use vivid verbs in the active voice. Vivid verbs describe an action precisely, eliminating the need for weak adjectives and adverbs. For example, use the vivid verb "sprinted" instead of the weak verb-adverb-adverb combination "ran very quickly." 7. Have a point. The goal of your essay should be to convey something very specific about your personality and your passions, something you want the college to know about you. Do not simply list events or accomplishments. 8. Stick to the word limit. A longer essay is not necessarily a better essay. Obey the prescribed word limit. Do not be too brief, however; if the college gives you five hundred words to work with, three short sentences is not going to cut it. 9. Be positive. Colleges are looking for bright, productive people, not negative, cynical youknow-whats. 10. Less is more. Make your essay clear and easy to understand by writing simply. Conversely, do not make your essay unnecessarily long by using wordy expressions. Straightforward writing is understandable writing.

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Reading the essays of successful college applicants can help you decide how you want to write your essay. Here are some sample college essays that BetterEssays has compiled to help you. Remember, having your essay professionally edited by BetterEssays' Ivy League-educated editors can help you get accepted at the college or university of your choice. Sample Essay - Accepted at Harvard. Sample Essay - Accepted at Yale. Sample Short Answer Questions - Accepted at Stanford. Sample Essay - Accepted at Stanford. Sample Essay - Accepted at the University of Chicago. Sample Essay - Accepted at Brown. Sample Essay - Accepted at the University of Pennsylvania. Sample Short Essay - Accepted at Duke. Sample Essay - Accepted at Northwestern. Sample Essay - Accepted at Amherst.

Question: There are limitations to what grades, scores, and recommendations can tell us about any applicant. We ask you to write a personal essay that will help us to know you better. In the past, candidates have written about their families, intellectual and extracurricular interests, ethnicity or culture, school and community events to which they have had strong reactions, people who have influenced them, significant experiences, personal aspirations, or topics that spring entirely from their imaginations. You should feel confident that in writing about what matters to you, you

are bound to convey a strong sense of who you are. (As with the first essay, observe the 500word limit.) Go back to top. Original essay: Mr. McDonnell's voice was so powerful that all the windows in the hall would rattle when he boomed an everyday "HELLO!" at you. He spoke with such authority that even the seniors on the football team who knew him only by sight were frightened of him. He had the air of a military drill sergeant--only scarier. When I entered Mr. McDonnell's English class as an insecure, easily intimidated freshmen, I honestly thought that he would kill English for me. But appearance is never reality, and innocence is almost always overcome by experience. Mr. McDonnell turned out be one of the most remarkable people I have ever met. His impact on me will never fade--and not only because he scared the wits out of me that first day in class. Mr. McDonnell loved teaching, and his enthusiasm for his subject was contagious. He certainly made the Energizer Bunny look like he needed a good dose of Geritol! Reaching beyond the boundaries of the curiculum, Mr. McDonnell taught me to appreciate Shakespeare by using song to teach the meaning of love in A Midsummer Night's Dream. We not only engaged in discussion about the Greek or Chinese myths that we were currently studying but also debated current affairs and scientific mysteries. He made English something that I would love for the rest of my high school career and a body of knowledge that I would like to impart to others in a future teaching career. Mr. McDonnell was truly a role model on whom I could depend. He gave his time freely and willingly to help others, and he gave advice and guidance to those who were willing to listen. I have him to especially thank for encouraging my forays into the world of published writing. I do not know if I would have the confidence I do now about my written expression had it not been for his support. He never entirely lost his military manner; whenever we did less then our best on an assignment, he would threaten us with the indignity of having to repeat his course, growling his trademark phrase, "Two semesters!" When we did something especially well, however, he would get a special twinkle in his eyes. It was a twinkle that we all strove to earn. Only recently have I been able to recognize that this twinkle was the secret to Mr. McDonnell's remarkable personality. He worked hard to earn our interest, and we therefore worked hard to earn his approval. Hidden within his intimidating exterior was a man of genuinely good character, and one that could encourage the good character of others to emerge. He taught me that virtue is not found in only a select few individuals; the elements of good character and the ability to influence others lives in us all. Go back to top. Edited essay:

The windows rattled when Mr. McDonnell boomed "Hello!" every morning to the students in the hallways. With the demeanor of a drill sergeant, he even frightened the senior football players who knew him only by sight. On my first day in Mr. McDonnell's English class, I honestly thought that he would kill English for me. But I soon came to realize that my first impressions of Mr. McDonnell had little to do with the kind of teacher he actually was. He turned out to be one of the most remarkable people I have ever met, and he has had a lasting impact on me - and not only because he scared the wits out of me that first day in class. Mr. McDonnell loved teaching, and his enthusiasm for his subject was contagious. Reaching beyond the boundaries of the curriculum, Mr. McDonnell taught me to appreciate Shakespeare by using song to illustrate the meaning of love in A Midsummer Night's Dream. We not only engaged in discussion about the Greek or Chinese myths that we were currently studying, but also debated current affairs and scientific mysteries. He helped create in me a love for English that I will carry through life; thanks to him, I plan on becoming an English teacher. Mr. McDonnell was truly a role model on whom I could depend. He gave his time freely to help others, and he gave advice and guidance to those who were willing to listen. I am especially grateful to him for encouraging my forays into the world of published writing. I might not have the confidence I now do about my writing skills were it not for his support. He never entirely lost his military manner; whenever we did less than our best on an assignment, he threatened us with having to repeat his course by growling his trademark phrase, "Two semesters!" When we did something especially well, however, he would get a special twinkle in his eyes. It was a twinkle that we all strove to earn. Only recently have I been able to recognize that this twinkle was the secret to Mr. McDonnell's remarkable personality. He worked hard to earn our interest, so we worked hard to earn his approval. Hidden within his intimidating exterior was a man of genuinely good character who had a keen ability to bring out the good character in others. He taught me that virtue is not found only in a select few individuals; the elements of good character and the ability to influence others live in us all. Go back to top. Editing Report: Stephen, you have given a vivid portrayal of a high school teacher who obviously has had a lasting influence on you. You have a firm command of prose writing, which gives the narrative tone a mature and relaxed affect. This essay demonstrates your intelligence and superior writing ability. Nevertheless, there are many ways to improve it. First of all, I am concerned that your essay is too much about Mr. McDonnell and not enough about you. The essay prompt indicates that you should compose a piece that helps the reader to "know you better," but you only give a few hints about how you were shaped by your experience with Mr. McDonnell. You mention that you were

only "an insecure, easily intimidated freshmen [sic]" when you entered his class, but you never explain whether this changed. Once you got to know him better, you learned to love English, you were charmed by him and regarded him as a role model, and you learned (for reasons not altogether apparent) that everyone is virtuous. As you can see, it is hard to understand the character transformation you underwent. Unless I am mistaken, you want to say that Mr. McDonnell uses his toughness to set high expectations for his students. At first, these expectations had the effect of intimidating you, but over time you lived up to them. In the process, you learned a lot about academic subjects, and now, perhaps, you have more confidence in addressing such tough behavior from authority figures. That might not be exactly how your transformation happened; you are the only person who truly knows. You should tweak your essay so that it explains your transformation along those lines, however. Try to communicate more clearly how Mr. McDonnell affected you. You could also improve your characterization of Mr. McDonnell. In the introduction, you say he has the air of a military drill sergeant, but the only detail supporting this claim is that he shouts hello. Try to include more details that explain why he seems to embody rigid authority. Your second paragraph begins with two unqualified generalizations which you probably do not believe in, and even if you do they are not worth putting here. Whose innocence was overcome by experience? You have established that you are a weak and puny freshman, but not that you are innocent. You are better off simply sticking to the story. In the third paragraph, the sentence, "He certainly made the Energizer Bunny look like he needed a good dose of Geritol!" seems out of place. More importantly, however, you have not described what happened in Mr. McDonnell's classroom in enough detail so that a reader can understand why he was such a special teacher. You are on the right track when you say, "Mr. McDonnell taught me to appreciate Shakespeare by using song to teach the meaning of love in A Midsummer Night's Dream." The only problem is that it's not clear what it means to teach you using song. Did he sing a lecture to you? Make this clear; it sounds like an interesting anecdote. You take another stab at explaining how special he was when you say, "We not only engaged in discussion about the Greek or Chinese myths that we were currently studying but also debated current affairs and scientific mysteries." But surely your teacher could have done this in a boring way. What was it about his teaching style that made these discussions exciting? The next paragraph seems like a place where you put all the rest of your ideas regardless of how they fit together. You write about Mr. McDonnell being your role model, encouraging you to write, and making you earn the twinkle in his eye. Narrow the focus of this paragraph so that everything in it works toward explaining just one idea. In other words, all the details in this paragraph need to be tied together. The fifth paragraph is a good try at a conclusion because it broadens the perspective you have in the rest of the essay. However, some of the claims you make seem unwarranted. "He taught me that virtue is not found in only a select few individuals; the elements of good character and the ability to influence others lives in us all," you write - but nothing you wrote before supports this statement. The whole essay is about how you had to try hard to live up to the high standards Mr. McDonnell set, and once you succeeded the rewards are tremendous. Nothing about that implies that everyone has good character. Also, you claim, "Hidden within his intimidating exterior was a man of genuinely good character." This opposition between intimidating exterior and honorable

interior does not make good sense, because you have not shown that Mr. McDonnell's intimidating exterior has anything to do with his being a bad person. You have not yet ruled out the possibility that Mr. McDonnell seems both intimidating and unyieldingly religious, for example. But this is just a minor point. As I said before, you are obviously very intelligent and a very good writer, so I am sure that you will be able to make this already outstanding essay even better. Thank you for trusting your essay to BetterEssays and good luck with the college application process. Sincerely, Jeff Kessler Editor, BetterEssays.com Question: Please write at least 150 words about yourself. Go back to top. Original essay: During my early life as a kid and growing up to who I am today, I learned that you dont just need to be smart to succeed, succeeding in life consists of having the heart that wants to succeed. Throughout grammar school I would score excellent grades and be on the high honor roll continuously. I loved the feeling of making my family happy with my learning ability and being able to be proud of myself. I am always active and always was. I played baseball, football and basketball as a kid and ended up sticking with basketball through high school. I tried out in ninth grade for the freshman basketball team and I was cut. Everyone on the team and many teachers in the school thought I should have made it and I honestly believed I should have been on the court. I still practiced and became a better player and tried out for the junior varsity team the following year. I made the team and after a few games I was starting as the shooting guard. I was very proud of myself that I was able to forget about the past and move on to bigger and better things and show the coaches what I can do. After my sophomore year in high school my life took a twist in a way that I thought never could happen. Everything was changing and I wasnt accepting the changes at first. I didnt know how to accept them and what to do to overcome the changes. Every kid growing up hates hearing their parents argue and thats what I was hearing and not understanding. My parents didnt argue all that much so it still to this day doesnt make much sense why they got a divorce. The separation of my parents which left my father an outcast in my life, affected me in such a way that it was hard to cope with everyday life afterwards. The feeling of having a mother and father that cares and loves you no matter what happens, is the most incredible feeling a kid can ever ask for. While this was going on my grandfather, my mothers father, was in the hospital for open-heart surgery. It was suppose to be an in and out procedure but it resulted in a devastating outcome. My grandfather had a stroke and is now paralyzed on his left side and will live the rest of his life in a

bed at a nursing home. My grandfather was the most incredible man in my life. The past year of my life up to this date has been a bumpy road for my family and I. The tears, anger and happiness come and go, which keeps me going. If it werent for my mother and my strong heart to succeed in life I wouldnt be where I am today. Without having obstacles in life than there wouldnt be anything to learn. You are put on this earth to overcome these obstacles and be able to succeed while the world feels as if its on your shoulders. The weight of the world was on mine and I overcame it. Go back to top. Edited essay: Over the years, as I developed from being a kid into the person I am today, I have learned that you need more than just intelligence to succeed in life you also need to have a will to succeed. Throughout grammar school I received excellent grades and made the high honor roll. I loved and found pride in making my family happy with my success in school. I also succeeded in athletics without much effort. I played baseball, football and basketball as a kid and ended up sticking with basketball through high school. But when I tried out in ninth grade for the freshman basketball team, I was cut. Everyone on the team and even a number of teachers thought I should have made the team, and I also believed I should have been on the court. Instead of dwelling on not making the team, I practiced and became a better player, and then tried out for the junior varsity team the following year. I made the team and after a few games I was starting as the shooting guard. I was very proud that I was able to forget about the past and move on with maturity to show the coaches what I could do. After my sophomore year in high school, my life took an unexpected twist. Everything was changing, and I wasnt accepting the changes because I didnt know how. Any kid would hate to hear his parents arguing. Mine argued, and I couldnt accept that my life might change because of what I heard. To this day I dont entirely understand why they got a divorce, but I have realized that it is a change I have to live with. The separation of my parents left my father as an outsider to my life, and affected me in such a way that it became hard to cope with everyday life. Having a mother and father who care for and love you no matter what is the most valuable asset a child can have, but this perfect arrangement disappeared as I got older. While the divorce proceeded, my grandfather went to the hospital for open-heart surgery. It was supposed to be an in-and-out procedure, but instead it had a devastating result: my grandfather had a stroke was paralyzed on his left side, and he has been living ever since in a bed at a nursing home. My grandfather was the most incredible man in my life. The past year of my life has been a bumpy road for my family. The tears, anger and happiness come and go unpredictably, but I keep going because I know I must. If it werent for my mother and my strong will to succeed in life, I wouldnt be where I am today. Without obstacles, there would be nothing to learn from life. We are put on this earth to overcome obstacles and to try to

succeed even when the world feels as if it is pressing down on our shoulders. The weight of the world was on mine, and I am now more prepared to overcome it in the future. Go back to top. Editing Report: Your essay is well-written and revealing, two very important qualities for a personal statement. Its power comes from showing that you are a normal kid who has experienced pain many others havent, that you are accustomed to adjusting to changes and moving on. Reading the essay for the first time, I felt its major drawback is that despite telling us a lot about yourself, you dont create an overall picture. After reading it a few more times I think I understand that your experiences are meant to demonstrate your attitude towards difficulty and change. But the experiences seem somewhat unrelated to someone who has not lived them. I understand that this is an easy trap to fall into given the very general essay topics colleges often require; you do tell about yourself in this essay. But an increased connection of your experiences could tell much more. By making the disappointment of your parents divorce and the tragedy of your grandfathers stroke relate more to you and to each other, you can better show how you dealt with a very difficult time in your life. Doing so will show tenacity and endurance through hardship, but also an understanding that life is unpredictable. A great way to start would be to be more complete in your setup of yourself as an innocent kid at the beginning. Success seemed to come naturally you show this, but it would be worthwhile to say it directly. It seems that not making the freshman basketball team was one of the first times you realized that life has its disappointments; making the team later after working hard demonstrates an important lesson youve chosen to live by, that perseverance is about adjusting well. But as you got older, the changes in your life got more serious than not making a team. I think that the division into paragraphs I made should help show that you are creating a progressing story. You could also specifically relate moving on from disappointment in sports to moving on from the disappointment of your parents divorce: it is not easy to know what to do when human relationships dont work out, whereas improving your basketball game makes sense. It may also help to reflect a bit more on how hard it is to register change and move on. If you show in the third paragraph (when you discuss staying with basketball and eventually succeeding) that you are the type of person who is able to cope with disappointment well, your depression over your parents divorce will be more powerful when it follows. In the fifth paragraph, in which you talk about coping with the divorce, give some more details from your experience. Did your friendships or schoolwork suffer? While it must have been horrible to watch your grandfather suffer so much right after the divorce, your reader has a hard time connecting the two incidents, except maybe through your separation from your father and the fact that your grandfather was the most incredible man in your life. (By the way, it is very awkward to say such a thing about your grandfather after you finish telling

a story about him you should explain his importance to you before you tell about his stroke, so that the reader knows there is something to be sad about.) Did this tragedy make you realize once again how random lifes changes can be? Or did you recognize that because life is unpredictable, we have to move on and live as well as we can while were healthy? You show your recent pain well, but it would be good to tell exactly what it means to you in retrospect. And similarly, how did your mother help you move on? Your reader can believe that without your father around she must have had to work very hard, especially during a time when her own father was ill, but we need you to tell us how her strength or help affected you. What sort of an example has she set? Your strong heart reads a bit strangely in a paragraph after your grandfathers stroke; it may be better to replace this term with a word like passion or drive, in both the first and final paragraphs. Tell your reader where you are today, how things improved because of your good attitude. In other words, give a more complete and detailed story that shows, not just tells. It seems to me that your story is about perseverance and how you came to realize its importance. It is a powerful story and speaks well to your ability to survive in life and at college. The changes I made and that I suggested should mostly serve to connect the experiences you share into a more cohesive progression that shows how you have grown up during high school. I hope they are helpful. Good luck with applications!

Sample Edited Law School Personal Statement

The edited essay below is one example of the BetterEssays Premier Service. The original essay and essay question are reproduced as well. Question | Original Essay | Edited Essay | Editing Report | Submit Essay Now!

Question: Please provide a personal statement. Go back to top. Original essay: Certainty at last! So many nights my body has begged for sleep but my mind has not been indulgent. The hours I have daydreamed away pondering infinite possibilities. But now finally, I know exactly what I want to do. I want to study law and practice in the field of international law. The strangest part is, I have been following this path all along. I studied languages, traveled exhaustively and interested myself in all legal issues. Everyone I know has suggested law school at least once. You would be such a great lawyer, is a phrase that I often heard all too often. Yet, I never wanted to make such a commitment without really being sure.

When I was hired by the French government to teach English I knew it was a wonderful opportunity, but not a career. It is for that very reason that I reluctantly declined their request to return for a second year. Upon returning to the United States I tried my hand in everything from restaurant management to coaching tennis, but nothing seemed to fit. So, I would stay up at night wondering why I could not decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. I imagined myself in thousands of different careers yet; I could make up my mind with any degree of certainty. My family would tell me You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Yet, somehow that clich is rather discouraging whey you cannot find anything to set your mind to. Then all of a sudden I knew. No, I did not want to go to law school just because everyone said that I should. I wanted to start a career in an area that encompassed all of my interests and fortes. For so long I searched for a career that incorporated my knowledge of different languages and cultures as well as my interest in legal issues. It is amazing that I did not figure it out earlier. A career in international law fits. Fortunately, all of my belaboring is now in the past. Interestingly enough, I do not feel as if I have made a decision. Rather, I am continuing on the path that I started on long ago. Now my days are filled with purpose in place of reveries, and I am sleeping much better at night. Go back to top. Edited essay: Certainty at last! After many sleepless nights and many hours of anxious daydreaming, I finally know what I want to do. I want to become a lawyer and practice international law. Without even realizing it, I have spent most of my professional life preparing to be a lawyer. Almost all my teachers and friends have suggested that I go to law school. I studied languages, traveled extensively and interested myself in legal issues. I frequently heard people say, You would be such a great lawyer! Still, I was not certain. Last year, I was hired by the French government as an English teacher. I had a wonderful time in France, but I sensed that my career was not in education. I declined the schools request to return for a second year. Upon returning to the United States, I kept searching for my professional calling. I experimented with many different kinds of jobs, from restaurant management to tennis coaching, but nothing seemed to fit. So I stayed up at night wondering why I could not decide upon a profession. I imagined myself in many different careers, but I could not make a decision. My family would tell me, You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Although I appreciated this bit of encouraging advice, it rang hollow since I did not yet know what I wanted to accomplish. One night, I realized that what my friends and family had been telling me all along was exactly right. I wanted to start a career which would allow me to capitalize on my intellectual interests and strengths: foreign languages and cultures, travel, international policy, and history. Indeed, a career in international law suits me well.

Now that I plan to become a lawyer, I do not feel as though I have completely changed directions. Rather, I am continuing on the path that I started on long ago. I have abandoned the old fears about my future, and I am determined to live up to my vocation. Go back to top. Editing Report: XXXXX, I can tell that you have worked hard on this essay. You have succeeded in telling an interesting story that gives the reader a good idea of your background, previous professional experience, and breadth of knowledge. However, I am concerned that your essay does not convey exactly the right message to admissions officers. Your essay explains that you have been tending toward becoming a lawyer for years, although you were not aware of this until recently. Now that you have made this discovery, you are ready to commit the rest of your professional life to law. The problem is that your essay does not adequately explain why you have chosen law. I am afraid that right now, your essay gives the impression that the decision to become a lawyer is merely the latest in a slew of misjudgments about your professional future, not an epiphany about who you are. In the first paragraph, the first two sentences indicate that you now know what you want to do, but there is nothing that indicates how you found this out. First of all, the narrative here was a bit too dramatic to be consistent with the tone of the rest of the piece (I changed it). But more importantly, there is nothing that shows why you were so confused. Instead, the paragraph simply indicates that you were confused, and that now you are not. This leaves the reader begging for more information: why were you confused? What events helped you decide? What other careers did you consider? When you explain why you think you have always been on track to become a lawyer, you claim, I studied languages, traveled exhaustively and interested myself in all legal issues. This is a very vague description, and it makes me wonder, for instance, how did you interest yourself in legal issues? What languages did you study (I assume this does not come up elsewhere in your application)? Where exactly and why did you travel? The same thing goes for your description about your job in France and your jobs in the United States. For example, you never mention what specifically you liked about the job in France and how you knew it wasnt the job you wanted for the rest of your life. Right now, this anecdote would make just as much sense if you were talking about gardening in Vermont, for example, instead of teaching in France. There must have been something special about this experience that made you come to know yourself better. Near the end of your essay, you state, Then, all of a sudden, I knew! This is the critical part of your essay, yet there is no substance here. How did you come to know? What happened? It must have been more than a sudden burst of knowledge. Explain what was going on in your head and in your life to make you come to such a dramatic and important decision. Since the goal of your essay is to explain how you have pursued your vocation without realizing

it, it will be a challenge to persuade your audience that you really have found your vocation, and that this job as a lawyer will be different from all the other jobs. You could reduce this challenge by recasting your essay so that it explains how you have spent your whole life preparing to be an international lawyer. (Even if this is not true, it would make writing the personal statement a bit easier.) If you prefer to keep the essay as a story of being unconsciously drawn to the legal profession, then you must make a much stronger case that this is so. This essay would not change much if it were about medicine instead of law. This is a sign that you have not shown why law is special to you. I do not know what your word limit is, but I suspect that it is higher than 400 words. If this is the case, then flesh out this essay with liberality. I have tried to make your essay more concise. In general, remember to avoid unnecessarily long phrases like, Yet I couldnt make up my mind with any degree of certainty. Why not just say, I could not decide? Good luck with your essay and the rest of your law school applications. Sample Edited Graduate School Personal Statement
The edited essay below is one example of the BetterEssays Premier Service. The original essay and essay question are reproduced as well. Question | Original Essay | Edited Essay | Editing Report | Submit Essay Now!

Question: Please write a statement of your academic and future career plans as they relate to the university department to which you are applying. Your statement should not exceed 1,000 words and must be written in English. Go back to top. Original essay: "No pain, no gain," was a motto I often lived by as a young person. Starting at age seven, I began formal studies in classical piano and violin and soon competed as a soloist and member of the Central XXXXX Youth Symphony. By the time I turned 17, however, my health had degenerated due to a neuromuscular pain disorder and chronic tendinitis, which unfortunately prevented me from continuing my musical instruments. This significant change in my life forced me to adjust to new physical limitations, but also helped me to reconsider my priorities and develop a profound sense of independence and conviction to do well at school and take care of my health. After growing up as a sleepless perfectionist, I assigned myself a new motto: "Overdo, youre through." And, after beginning my undergraduate career at XXXXX College, I cultivated new interests, such as singing in the Handel Society, a community mass choir, and working as a computer animator. By my sophomore year, I discovered a new musical voice in computer music composition. Since

then, I actively participated in masters classes in electro-acoustic music, concerts, festivals, and other activities at XXXXX Studios along with formal studies in music theory, computer science and vocal performance. I graduated with a combined degree in Music Modified (by Computer Science) and headed to XXXXX University to explore musical composition in the context of other media. During my first year at XXXXX, I worked on various multimedia projects while developing skills in video, interactive programming, and real-time interactive video processing. I also studied theoretical, philosophical and aesthetic aspects of digital "new media" and multimedia, covering written works by Marshall Mcluhan, Theodor Adorno, Jacques Derrida, and Lev Manovich. After my first year at XXXXX, I moved to Europe to expand the breadth of my musical, artistic and intellectual growth. In June 2001, I lived in Barcelona, Spain, where I notated aesthetic trends in the electronic music, video and digital arts activities and studied and performed contact dance improvisation with local artists. In August 2001, I headed to Berlin, Germany to study at XXXXX University through a DAAD (Deutscher Akademischer Austausch Dienst) scholarship. I took courses in advanced German, German history and culture and worked in Supercollider study groups at the Musikhochschule of Berlin. From September 2001 to June 2002, I resided in Paris, France where I attended the Centre de Creation Musicale Iannis Xenakis. At CCMIX, I studied Xenakis' ideas and work regarding stochastic music and the transformation of sound through time and space and worked with Curtis Roads, Jean-Claude Risset, Julio Estrada, and Carla Scaletti. With the programs diverse readings in natural biology regarding shape and symmetry and applied physics and math, I found more and more alternative ways to guide musical form and achieve temporal and parametric control over video and musical sounds and processes. On my spare time, I explored tuning theory and history, which included some beta testing of software on adaptive tunings by Bill Sethares. Upon my return to US, I resumed formal studies in vocal performance and participated in a summer CCRMA workshop, Digital Signal Processing for Audio: Spectral and Physical Models. At XXXXX, I began planning a 40-60 minute theatrical monologue and multimedia art project for my Masters thesis, which is using real-time interactive video processing with Jitter set to new, original computer music compositions. For this work, I will perform the role of a young woman attempting to interpret her dreams and nightmares during a nights sleep. The set-design for this work is a bedroom with a video camera to track my movements, which will trigger sounds, video clips and effects representing realizations of my dreams. My Masters thesis presents some of my experimental and artistic ideas involving the contemporary research in multisensory perception. Currently, I am developing techniques in audiovisual composition, which makes use of perceptual influences between sight and sound. Some of this research referred to in my work includes: visual illusions induced by sound, illusory crossmodal aftereffects, and methods of organizing aural and visual attention in multimedia works. For the most part, my music attempts to create an evocative aural atmosphere, one that is engaging or thought-provoking. Sometimes my work is delicate, other times, forceful and

experimental, but it is always my intention to express sincere intimate or personal emotion or musical thought. Despite having a variety of software and programming skills, I also strive for aesthetic or theoretical awareness of the ways in which technology is used to create my works. Being a musician in the "Information Age," I am particularly interested in cultural forms of music unique to user interactions and use of computers, and the influence of this medium on music making. At XXXXX, I wish to continue my growth as a composer by challenging myself with new experiences and exploring various mediums to help realize my musical ideas. I look forward to producing more audiovisual or multimedia performances, which emphasize story-telling, contextbased performance space, and narrative structures. Furthermore, I would like to continue following multisensory perception research through independent studies and attendances to the International Multisensory Research Conferences. I hope my dissertation will be a major culmination of such musical multimedia work, which relates the aesthetic, theoretical significance of psychophysical research in crossmodal (multisensory) integration or cognition. In the end, I hope my dissertation will be an orthogonal milestone for computer musicians and sound artists to explore relevant psychophysical perceptual issues when combining their work with experimental video, animation, virtual reality, and film. As a composer and artist, I hope the diversity of my skills and interests will help me pursue a pedagogical career in media arts and technology. I truly wish to contribute to these types of interdisciplinary programs with an emphasis in sound design, digital audio, computer music composition and multimedia. Finally, I hope to contribute to the XXXXX community by sharing research and critical thoughts, teaching and learning from others, offering technical help, providing a role model for women interested in computer music, art and technology. Go back to top. Edited essay: "No pain, no gain," was my motto as a young person. At age seven, I began formal studies in classical piano and violin and soon competed as a soloist and member of the Central XXXXX Youth Symphony. By age 17, however, my health had degenerated due to a neuromuscular pain disorder and chronic tendinitis, which put an end to my performing days. This profound change in my life forced me to adjust to new physical limitations but also helped me to reconsider my priorities and develop a strong sense of independence and a conviction to do well at school and take care of my health. After growing up as a sleep-deprived perfectionist, I assigned myself a new motto: Overdo, youre through. And, after beginning my undergraduate career at XXXXX College, I cultivated new interests, such as singing in the Handel Society, a community mass choir, and working as a computer animator. By my sophomore year, I discovered a new musical voice in computer music composition. Since then, I actively participated in master classes in electro-acoustic music, concerts, festivals, and other activities at Bregman Studios, along with formal studies in music theory, computer science

and vocal performance. I graduated with a combined degree in Music Modified (by Computer Science) and headed to XXXXX University to explore musical composition in the context of other media. During my first year at XXXXX, I worked on various multimedia projects while developing skills in video, interactive programming, and real-time interactive video processing. I also studied theoretical, philosophical and aesthetic aspects of digital "new media" and multimedia, covering written works by Marshall McLuhan, Theodor Adorno, Jacques Derrida, and Lev Manovich. After my first year at Brown, I moved to Europe to expand the breadth of my musical, artistic and intellectual growth. In June 2001, I lived in Barcelona, where I studied aesthetic trends in electronic music and video and digital arts, and I also studied and performed contact dance improvisation with local artists. In August 2001, I headed to Berlin to study at XXXXX University through a DAAD (Deutscher Akademischer Austausch Dienst) scholarship. I took courses in advanced German, German history and culture and worked in Supercollider study groups at the Musikhochschule of Berlin. From September 2001 to June 2002, I attended the Centre de Creation Musicale Iannis Xenakis in Paris. At CCMIX, I studied Xenakis' ideas and work on stochastic music and the transformation of sound through time and space, working with Curtis Roads, Jean-Claude Risset, Julio Estrada, and Carla Scaletti. With the programs diverse readings in natural biology regarding shape and symmetry and applied physics and math, I found more and more alternative ways to guide musical form and achieve temporal and parametric control over video and musical sounds and processes. In my spare time, I explored tuning theory and history, which included some beta testing of software on adaptive tunings by Bill Sethares. Upon returning to the United States, I resumed formal studies in vocal performance and participated in a summer CCRMA workshop called Digital Signal Processing for Audio: Spectral and Physical Models. At XXXXX, I began planning a 40-60 minute theatrical monologue and multimedia art project for my Masters thesis, which uses real-time interactive video processing with Jitter set to new, original computer music compositions. For this work, I will perform the role of a young woman attempting to interpret her dreams and nightmares during a nights sleep. The set-design for this work is a bedroom with a video camera to track my movements, which will trigger sounds, video clips and effects representing realizations of my dreams. My Masters thesis presents some of my experimental and artistic ideas involving the contemporary research in multisensory perception. Currently, I am developing techniques in audiovisual composition that make use of perceptual influences between sight and sound. Some of this research referred to in my work includes visual illusions induced by sound, illusory crossmodal aftereffects, and methods of organizing aural and visual attention in multimedia works. My music largely attempts to create an evocative aural atmosphere, one that is engaging and thought-provoking. Sometimes my work is delicate, and at other times forceful and experimental, but it is always intended to express sincere personal emotion and musical thought. Despite having a variety of software and programming skills, I also strive for an aesthetic or theoretical awareness of the ways in which technology is used to create my works. Being a musician in the Information Age, I am particularly interested in cultural forms of music unique to user

interactions and use of computers, and the influence of this medium on music making. At XXXXX, I wish to continue my growth as a composer by challenging myself with new experiences and exploring various media to realize my musical ideas. I look forward to producing more audiovisual or multimedia performances that emphasize story-telling, context-based performance space, and narrative structures. I would also like to continue following multisensory perception research by performing independent studies and by attending International Multisensory Research Conferences. I hope my dissertation will be a culmination of such musical multimedia work, which relates the aesthetic, theoretical significance of psychophysical research in crossmodal (multisensory) integration or cognition. I hope my dissertation will be an orthogonal milestone for computer musicians and sound artists to explore relevant psychophysical perceptual issues when combining their work with experimental video, animation, virtual reality, and film. As a composer and artist, I hope the diversity of my skills and interests will facilitate a pedagogical career in media arts and technology. I truly wish to contribute to interdisciplinary programs with an emphasis in sound design, digital audio, computer music composition and multimedia. Finally, I hope to contribute to the XXXXX community by sharing research and critical thoughts, teaching and learning from others, offering technical help, and providing a role model for women interested in computer music, art and technology. Go back to top. Editing Report: Your essay is a solid presentation of your background and experience in your field, and your credentials are no doubt strong and compelling. However, you do not address the actual question posedto write about your academic and future career plans as they relate to the university department to which you are applyingin sufficient length or depth. No doubt it is more difficult to write about future goals than about previous experiences, but in your current draft, you devote only about 1/6 of the text to a treatment of your future plans, and only at the very end of your essay. Rather than dutifully marching through your resume in great detail before unveiling your proposed plan of study at XXXXX, consider starting out with a compelling vision of your future studies and aspirations while filling in the background later. I understand that your background and personal history are essential to telling the story of your vision for your future, but in your current draft, they overshadow what ought to be the focus of your essay, your academic and future career plans. I suggest you consider revising your essay using this general structure: 1) a broad discussion of your aspirations and goals in your field, 2) your background, and 3) a more specific discussion of what you want to accomplish at XXXXX. In your current draft, your discussion of your proposed plan of study at XXXXX grows organically out of and builds on your discussion of your prior studies, but you should not delay at least a broad treatment of your future goals until the very end of your essay. Begin the essay with a paragraph or two about why you find your field so compelling and special and a broad statement about what you hope to accomplish in it. And then

write about the experiences in your life that have led up to where you are now, and then you can speak more specifically about your proposed plans for XXXXX. Your tenth paragraph (My music largely in my edited version), I think, holds the raw material for a compelling opening. Also, what you stated in your note to us (I strive for my own, unique aesthetic, one that is sensual and emotionally sincere and incorporates contemporary research in psychophysical and multisensory perception.) is another great jumping off point. This statement is as direct and concise as anything in your actual essayput this at the forefront. As it stands, your essay, especially with its list-like presentation of your academic background, seems more dutiful than inspired. Undoubtedly the work you do and plan to do is interesting indeed, it sounds very interestingbut you need to do more to convey a sense of excitement about it. I think this can be accomplished through both addition and subtraction. Although it is important, to a certain extent, to scrupulously detail your previous studies, you should do away with the laundry list of people youve worked with or whose works youve read or studied. You should focus more on what youve studied than with whom, and I think you should give specific examples of perhaps two or three of your most important formative intellectual experiences rather than dropping a dozen names. Keep the emphasis on how these experiences have affected your aesthetic, musical, and intellectual value system rather than where they were or with whom. (Im curious how you apply Derrida to digital multimedia!) Also, part of the reason why your essay seems a little inert is because much of your discussion of your musical work is in the abstract. One of the most interesting parts of your essay is your description of your Masters thesis, which is quite detailed and specific. Your work sounds quite potentially interesting in the abstractIm sure its much more interesting in its realization and incarnation. You begin your essay with the motto No pain, no gain, yet your essay lacks a description of the (implied) relentless practice/performance schedule that led to your injury. You should add this in. Your description of this profound change to your life at age 17 is a little emotionally flat. You need stronger language than unfortunately prevented and This significant change. Your adjustment, as you present it, seems to have been quite smooth, almost effortless. Was it? What was your struggle, what was your agon during these years? Your mentioning of a new-found conviction to take care of your health is a good observation, but did you not have a conviction to do well in school before all this? Also, how did this give you a new sense of independence? Were you pressured to pursue your instrumental studies? Your second motto, Overdo, youre through, is a little cornball and doesnt quite ring true, but if indeed it was your real motto, do keep it. Otherwise, it seems a little too neat, too tidy. And perhaps you can tie these experiences in with the conclusion of your essay to bring it full circle. Do you still ponder this change in your life frequently? Does it still motivate you? Your final two paragraphs also need work. They are a flat way to end an essay. Its fine to say what you say in those paragraphs, but you need to say more. Why a pedagogical career as opposed to some other? What can you contribute to your field in the academy rather than through private or personal enterprise? Why are you drawn to the academic community? What have you gained from your previous experiences in such communities? Why do you value them? Why do you want to be a role model for women in these fields? Have you had role model yourself, or have you yourself desired but lacked such a role model (are women underrepresented)?

Perhaps another question you can answer in the final paragraphs is why XXXXX (as opposed to another university)? What resources can you get there that you cant get anywhere else? What programs, professors, facilities make XXXXX attractive to someone with your academic interests? What can you bring to the department at XXXXX that it desires? Basically, why is XXXXX the right place for you? I hope these comments give you some idea of how to begin revising this already excellent essay. Thank you for using BetterEssays, and good luck with the rest of the application.