Muslimahs Guide to Puberty: How to talk to your daughter about Adolescence

By Hena Zuberi in Aqeedah and Fiqh,

Goodbye butterflies and Princess dolls

As I rip out the butterfly wall paper I had so painstakingly installed 7 years ago and roll on the hot pink paint she picked for her bedroom wall, I want to hold on to her tight but she has started her journey to womanhood and all I can do is pray for her & guide her to the best of my ability. She has outgrown Gymboree but Justice is too 'tween' for her. My baby can barely make her bed, how will she handle adolescence? It is natural, I know but I want her to stay a child for a little bit longer. Puberty is a confusing and emotional time for young girls. Their bodies are changing; their emotions are raw and magnified. Having taught this workshop in our masjid & in my home several times, this is the first year my 9-year-old will participant. I think she is ready. My cousin wonders why she needs to learn so early about puberty especially since she may not get her period until 11-12. There are a myriad of reasons why this channel of communication needs to be opened: because girls are maturing earlier every decade, because we live in a world of texting & Youtube, because they will hear about it somewhere; at school, at your friend's dinner party or from an older, 'wiser' neighborhood teenager. She may hear nonsense and take it for fact. If you google muslim-puberty-girls, there is a dearth of any usable literature or practical advice. All that shows up are X-rated websites with a few Islamic fatwas sites scattered in between. I did find one Yahoo group where young Muslimahs were desperately begging each other for info about how to clean themselves, wondering whether they should they pray or not. The poor women who answered their post had her facts wrong and kept hinting at 'secrets' after they get married. That's not what I want for my daughters. Instead of hearing snatches of conversation that confuses them even more, wouldn't it be better to hear it from the woman whose womb bore them or an understanding teacher who can answer their what, when and whys. Muslim girls need guidance and knowledge at this time, but this knowledge needs to stay within the confines of hayya (modesty). In most American public schools, parents are given a choice of showing their girls a video about puberty. Many Muslim parents opt out of this program for good reason as the videos shown are 'very graphic' albeit in cartoon form and discuss how you get pregnant you can read 'Just around the corner' movie reviews by moms and decide for yourself. Even if some Muslim parents discuss puberty, they do not explain the Islamic responsibilities that arrive after this stage in life.

They need to understand these changes are from Allh responsibility; they are now adults in front of God.

and with them come a great

I remember reading about 'it' in Judy Blume's young adult novel 'Are you there, God? It's me Margaret' but never connected the dots that this would happen to me as well. When I finally reached puberty over summer vacation while visiting my Nani, I remember my aunts making kheer (rice pudding) and congratulating me, grown women giggling away with each other but no one ever told me what was going on. I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong, evil. In Muslim countries, many terrified girls look at soiled undergarments and wonder if they are dying because they are clueless, often it is taboo to talk about what is happening to them. Between these two extremes lies Islam's golden, middle way.

Advice to moms:
It's awkward for mothers to talk about this subject as well, so I designed this info in a class format with handouts for the girls so a mother can talk to her daughter or a teacher can address her class and explain puberty in terms that even a 5th grader can understand. After talking to many young Muslimahs and their moms, here are some practical suggestions I have for moms: Inculcate the habit of wearing a camisole around at 8 years, this will help her get used to wearing something under her clothes. When you do purchase her first bras, make a date and take just her to the store. Show her a private place where she can stash her deodorant, pantiliners and pads away from the inquiring eyes of younger siblings. At this point in life, young girls can be gifted their own masallah (Janamaz or prayer mat), their own copy of the Qurn and a tasbih, it makes them feel more responsible for their ibadah (worship). She may want to sleep longer, so adjust her schedules. She may get moody; talk her through her feelings, as they are just as scared of their mood swings as you are. You can give her this information in one formal class or a series of discussions, as you know your daughter's learning style. Invite her friends, bake some brownies make it mother-daughter time. Let them get their giggles out at the beginning- it soothes them and helps them when they see that all the girls are going through the same thing. I usually show the girls maxi pads, panty liners, and give them calendars to start their habit of marking their haidh (period). Another cute thing I hand out is a card that reads 'Allh has chosen today to make me a young woman'. They can give this to their moms to let them know the day they get them-if they are too shy. I find it easier to show them an anatomical diagram of the uterus and use scientific terms of the body parts, without going into too much detail. Please feel free to use the information below, just remember to give credit and make du for me.

Muslimah's Guide to Puberty handouts Circle of Life: Start with a discussion on how it all begins and ends with Allh our Creator Allh created the first human being Adam (AS) from dust Allh creates every baby in their mother's womb It is related from Anas ibn Malik that the Prophet, may Allh bless him and grant him peace, said, Allh the Mighty and Majestic appoints an angel to every womb who says, 'O Lord! A drop! O Lord A clot! O Lord! A lump of flesh!' 'Then if He desires to complete His creation, He does so and the angel asks, 'Is it to be male or female? Wretched or happy? What is its provision? What is its life-span?' This is all decreed in the mother's womb. The baby develops from one stage to the other until it reaches full term. In the Qurn, Allh tells us: It is He who has created you from dust, then from a drop of seed, then from a clot; Then He brings you forth as a child, then ordains that you reach the age of full strength and afterward that you become old though some among you die before and that you reach an appointed term, in order that you may understand. (40:67) By Allh's will the baby is born and progresses through life from one stage to another Until her time on Earth is complete and she returns to her Creator What is it? Adolescence (balughat) is a stage of development when your body goes through changes at a fast rate under the effect of hormones produced in the body by the will of Allh (Taa'la). Every baby girl is born with two ovaries and a uterus a muscle the size of your fist where a baby can grow Allh produces hormones called estrogen and progesterone in your body Changes in body will include: Hair grows on the underarms and in the private area Muslims should shave these areas at least every 40 days using wax, creams or shavers Sweat glands develop take regular showers as body odor tends to increase at this age The chest starts growing so it can produce milk when you get married and have a child The ovaries release an ovum (egg) every month The uterus prepares a thin layer of tissue to receive the ovum Upon puberty, the uterus shed this thin layer of tissue every month and it discharged from the body. This is your monthly period or menstruation. Why do we get it?

Little girls are starting to become women the process takes several years but you have to learn to carry yourself like a Muslim woman. Over time, your body matures so that one day it will be ready to be a mother when you get married. A healthy, able body is a trust from Allh. Allh made it, so He knows best how to take care of it and he tells us how through theQurn and Sunnah by doing halal and staying away from haram. The Prophet Muammad (SAW) said, 'This is something that Allh has decreed for the daughters of Adam. Unlike Judaism, Hinduism or Christianity, Islam does not view your period as a curse. Our faith does not teach any connection between menstruation and Eve or the first sin Islam does not preach that women are the source of evil. We believe that Adam and Hawwa (AS) made the choice to disobey Allh together. When will I get it? In Islam, puberty cannot begin before the age of nine. Even if you do not menstruate by the age of fifteen (Islmic years), you will have reached the age of puberty. A girl's first period usually begins between the ages of 9 and 16. The average age is 12.5 years. You and your best friend will probably not get it the same day or even the same year. So relax!!! As long as you are eating healthy and sleeping enough hours you have nothing to worry about. It is a special time chosen by Allh and it will happen when your body is ready of it. Some signs that your body is getting ready: Developing Breasts - First, you'll get breast buds. (Your breasts then can take up to 3-4 years to fully develop.) Generally, you will get your period 2-3 years after your breasts start developing. The average age for breast buds is 10.5 years Growing Pubic Hair -Right after your breasts start to form, you'll start developing pubic hair. It will be soft and thin at first, and then gradually become coarser. Your period usually arrives around 1-2 years after the hair development. Discharge -This is the big sign. You'll start to experience vaginal discharge that will be either white or yellowish. If you like, you may want to start using panti liners to protect your underwear. This is from Sunnah, the women of Madnah used to wear a piece of cotton wool (karsoof). Your period may start around 6-18 months after the start of discharge. A girl's first few periods are usually light. You will lose about two to five tablespoons of blood over a period of two to eight days. There's one more way to figure out when you'll start menstruating: Ask your mom. You'll probably get your period within a year or so of when she got hers. Now that I have it, what should I do? Basic Supplies Lots of pads. A change of clothes kept in your locker at school. Tylenol, Panadol, Midol or Advil.

A hot water bottle. Lots of chocolate! Use a pad to wear with your underwear. Change the pad as often as you need to stay dry and comfortable. Keep some underwear exclusively for use during these days. Be prepared. You should start carrying pads around with you in advance of getting your period. If you find yourself stuck at school without a pad , go ask your school's nurse. If at any point while at school your period leaks through your clothing, excuse yourself to the office and get them to call your mom to bring you something to change into. These clothes are now najis and need to be washed. Avoid wearing white or light-colored pants and underwear during the week of your period to cut down on the chance of visible leakage as well. During your period, you may get cramps- which is because your uterus is contracting- use a hot water bottle, exercise, drink hot tea and cuddle with your mom. If it really hurts ask your doctor if it is OK to take pain medication. It is perfectly normal not to have a regular pattern or habit the first few months or even few years. Start keeping a calendar and keep track of your habit, lots of rules depend on this. Make sure you wrap your used pad and throw it in garbage. It is really bad manners to leave them in plain sight. Do not flush down the toilet. You are not a little kid anymore; be a proud, clean Muslimah! During your period, you are excused from alh. This is a gift from Allh (SWT), as he knows how much a woman is suffering. Do not cut all connection with Allh. Do make wu, sit and make dhikr, du, read salawat/durood etc. so you don't lose the habit of praying 5 times. The Messenger of Allh (peace be upon him) said, a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses (Sahih Muslim). You don't have to make up the alh, however; the menstruating woman must make up the missed fasts after Ramadan. Aishah (RA) said: When we would have our menses during the lifetime of the Prophet, we were ordered to make up the days of fasting that we had missed but were not ordered to make up the prayers that we had missed. (Sahih Bukhri) After you are sure the bleeding has stopped than make ghusl *Handout. Women used to send 'A'isha (RA) little boxes containing pieces of cotton cloth which still showed some yellowness. 'A'isha would say, Do not rush [to do ghusl] until you see white cotton, meaning by that purity from menstruation.'After you are sure that all discharge has changed to white then you are ready to make ghusl and get back to praying five times a day. When we purified ourselves by doing ghusl after menstruation, we were allowed a small amount of light perfume.

 Every religion has a corner stone, the cornerstone of is Islam is hayaa (modesty). We should try to act on this principle in every action of our lives. Don't discuss your period around boys, men and younger sisters. Most importantly, the pen has started flowing, every action is recorded now. You are responsible for your alh, your fasting in Ramadan is compulsory, hijab becomes obligatory. Congratulations! FIQHI ISSUES: I am not an a'lema, please always refer to a scholar for detailed questions on menstruation. However there are some basic fiqh questions that every Muslimah should learn and can be discussed in follow up sessions. The following are according to the Hanafi/Shafaee madhab and has been reviewed by Mufti Ibrahim Qureishi. Purity is islam is of two types Hukmi (ritual)and Haqeeqi (real). You may be bleeding but still not be impure or you may not be bleeding but you could be impure. For example: bleeding stops after two days and resumes on fourth day so you weren't bleeding on day 3 but you were impure. In istihadha, you are bleeding but are ritually pure. ISSUE 1 If a young girl experiences bleeding for the first time, then it should be observed whether it continues for three days and three nights (seventy-two hours). {According to Imm Shafi' (R.A). for twenty-four hours.} If it does, then it is menstruation. ISSUE 2 If bleeding continues for more than three days and three nights and stops at any time within ten days and ten nights, then all of it would be menstruation, similarly all of it would be menstruation if bleeding continued for full ten days (two hundred and forty hours). {Fifteen days and fifteen nights according to Imm Shafi' (R.A).} ISSUE 3 If bleeding continued for full ten days and ten nights {Fifteen days and fifteen nights according to Imm Shafi' (R.A.)} then the ten days and ten nights will be menstruation and the bleeding beyond it is chronic discharge (istihadha). Since any bleeding beyond ten full days is chronic discharge (istihadha). She should take a bath after ten days and start her prayer. The minimum amount of time between two periods is 15 days, if you start bleeding before the fifteen days then it is also istihadha. In istihadha, a young woman has to pray regularly just change her pad, clean her private parts and make a freshwu before each alh. But if a woman is a mo'tda [one who has a normal set menstruation period] and bleeding continues beyond her habit, then it should be seen, if it stops within ten days, all of it is menstruation and if it continues after ten days, then only the days of her habit would be regarded as menstruation and the days after that is chronic discharge (istihadha). Therefore, she should make up the prayer for the days beyond her habit. If she has a habit of seven days and she bled for twelve days then only seven days would be menstruation and the rest

chronic discharge (istihada). But if she bled for nine or ten days only then all of it is menstruation. ISSUE 4 If a mubtadeah keeps bleeding continuously for a few months, then in every month ten days from the day when bleeding started, these are of menstruation and the remaining nineteen to twenty days are of chronic discharge (istihada) e.g. if bleeding started on the fifth of a particular month, the days between the fifth and the fifteenth of every month are of menstruation and from the fifteenth to the fifth of the next month are days of chronic discharge ( istihada). Note: the Islamic (lunar calendar) is used regarding Islamic matters. ISSUE 5 If a woman notices blood for three full days and three nights or more, or any number of days up to ten days and ten nights and then remains clean for full fifteen days or more, and again sees blood for three or more days then both bleedings are called menstruation and the days in between are regarded as a period of purity. ISSUE 6 If a woman notices blood for three days and three nights or more and then remains clean for fifteen days or more and again sees blood for less than three days then the first bleeding was menstruation while the second bleeding is chronic discharge (istihada) because the bleeding was for less than three days although the period of purity was for fifteen days. ISSUE 7 If a woman notices blood for less than three days and three nights and after full fifteen days or more sees blood again for less than three days then both bleedings are called chronic discharge (istihada) and she will be regarded as pure for all these days. As soon as the bleeding stops within three days, she should make ritual ablution ( wu) and start her prayer during the last stages (end part) of the mustahab [preferable] timing (i.e. just before disliked or makruh timing). She must also make up prayers for those days which she has missed while she was bleeding. ISSUE 8 If a woman who is ritually pure puts on sanitary pads, etc. at night and in the morning when she removes it; she finds it to be blood-stained, then her menstruation starts only at the time when she sees the blood. ISSUE 9 If a menstruating woman notices no sign of blood on her pad, then the clean period will be counted right from the time the pad was put on. credits: Dr. Rida Bashir's lecture, Fiqh of Menstruation by Shaykh M. Ibrahim Palanpuri

What to Say
When talking to kids about puberty, it's important to offer reassurance that these changes are normal. Puberty brings about so many changes. It's easy for a child to feel insecure, and as if he or she is the only one experiencing these changes.

Many times, adolescents will express insecurity about their appearance as they go through puberty, but it can help them to know that everyone goes through the same things and that there's a huge amount of normal variation in their timing. Acne, mood changes, growth spurts, and hormonal changes it's all part of growing up and everyone goes through it, but not always at the same pace. Girls may begin puberty as early as second or third grade, and it can be upsetting if your daughter is the first one to get a training bra, for example. She may feel alone and awkward or like all eyes are on her in the school locker room. With boys, observable changes include the cracking and then deepening of the voice, and the growth of facial hair. And just as with girls, if your son is an early bloomer, he may feel awkward or like he's the subject of stares from his classmates. Kids should know the following about puberty: Girls become more rounded, especially in the hips and legs. Girls' breasts begin to swell and then grow, sometimes one faster than the other Girls and boys get pubic hair and underarm hair, and their leg hair becomes thicker and darker. Both girls and boys often get acne and start to sweat more. Both girls and boys have a growth spurt. Boys' penises and testicles grow larger. Boys' voices change and become deeper. Boys grow facial hair and their muscles get bigger Boys sometimes have wet dreams, which means they ejaculate in their sleep. When a girl begins menstruating, once a month, her uterine lining fills with blood in preparation for a fertilized egg. If the egg isn't fertilized, she will have a period. If it is fertilized, she will become pregnant. A girl's period may last 3 days to a week, and she can use sanitary napkins (pads) or tampons to absorb the blood.

Common Questions Not surprisingly, kids usually have lots of questions as they learn about puberty. For you, it's important to make sure you give your child the time and opportunity to ask questions and answer them as honestly and thoroughly as possible.

Some of the most common questions are:

Questions Answers

What is this hard lump in my breast? Girls may notice small, sometimes tender, lumps beneath their nipples as their breasts are beginning to develop. This is perfectly normal. The firmness and tenderness will go away in time as the breasts continue to enlarge. Why are my breasts so small (or so large)? Breast size is different from person to person. Reassure your daughter that, big or small, all breasts are beautiful. It can be hard for girls to appreciate this since they develop at different times and rates. The size and shape of a girl's breasts will change as she continues to develop. But in the end, size won't affect her attractiveness or ability to breastfeed if she becomes a mother someday. Why is my penis so small (or so large)? With boys, the focus can be on the penis. Since not all boys develop at the same time or rate, your son may feel like he is too big or too small. His size will change as he continues to develop. Penises come in different sizes and shapes, but there are a lot less differences in size when penises are erect than when theyre not. Why don't I have pubic hair yet? Everyone develops pubic hair, although some teens get it later than others. Just as with breast size or height, the amount or thickness of pubic hair is an individual trait. I'm a boy, so why am I getting breasts? Some boys experience temporary breast growth during puberty. The condition, called gynecomastia, is caused by changing hormone levels during puberty. It usually disappears, often within a few months to a couple of years. Why haven't I gotten my period yet? As with all of the changes in puberty, periods come at different times for different girls. Girls usually don't get their periods until 2 or 2 years after starting puberty, so if your daughter started puberty later than other girls, she will probably get her period later than other girls as well. Some girls may not get their periods until they're 16. This is usually normal, although it can be tough for them when all of their friends have already gotten their periods. Tips for Talking Let your child know that you're available any time to talk, but it's also important that you make time to talk. As embarrassing or difficult it may be for you to talk about these sensitive topics, your child will likely feel even more uncomfortable. As a parent, it's your job to try to discuss puberty and the feelings associated with those changes as openly as possible.

It can be made easier if you're confident that you know the subject matter. First, before you answer your child's questions, make sure your own questions have been answered. If you're not entirely comfortable having a conversation about puberty, practice what you want to say first or ask your child's doctor for advice. Let your child know that it may be a little uncomfortable to discuss, but it's an important talk to have.

If there are questions or concerns about pubertal development that you can't answer, a visit to your child's doctor may help provide reassurance.