HOW TO SPREAD HAPPINESS INFO PACK

G IVING
Do things for others

D IRECTION
Have goals to look forward to

R ELATING
Connect with people

R ESILIENCE
Find ways to bounce back

E XERCISING
Take care of your body

E MOTION
Take a positive approach

A PPRECIATING T RYING OUT

A CCEPTANCE M EANING

Notice the world aroundBe comfortable with who you are Keep learning new things Be part of something bigger
Everyones path to happiness is different, but the research suggests these Ten Keys consistently tend to have a positive impact on peoples overall happiness and well-being. The first five (GREAT) relate to how we interact with the outside world in our daily activities*. The second five (DREAM) come more from inside us and depend on our attitude to life.

Ten keys to happier living

The Ten Keys are explained in more detail below. Each has a related question to help us think about how our activities and attitudes affect our well-being and the well-being of the others around us.

G IVING Do things for others

Caring about others is fundamental to our happiness. Helping other people is not only good for them and a great thing to do, it also makes us happier and healthier too. Giving also creates stronger connections between people and helps to build a happier society for everyone. And it's not all about money - we can also give our time, ideas and energy. So if you want to feel good, do good! Q: What do you do to help others?

R ELATING Connect with people

Relationships are the most important overall contributor to happiness. People with strong and broad social relationships are happier, healthier and live longer. Close relationships with family and friends provide love, meaning, support and increase our feelings of self worth. Broader networks bring a sense of belonging. So taking action to strengthen our relationships and create new connections is essential for happiness. Q: Who matters most to you?

E XERCISING Take care of your body

Our body and our mind are connected. Being active makes us happier as well as being good for our physical health. It instantly improves our mood and can even lift us out of a

depression. We don't all need to run marathons - there are simple things we can all do to be more active each day. We can also boost our well-being by unplugging from technology, getting outside and making sure we get enough sleep! Q: How do you stay active and healthy?

A PPRECIATING Notice the world around

Ever felt there must be more to life? Well good news, there is! And it's right here in front of us. We just need to stop and take notice. Learning to be more mindful and aware can do wonders for our well-being in all areas of life - like our walk to work, the way we eat or our relationships. It helps us get in tune with our feelings and stops us dwelling on the past or worrying about the future - so we get more out of the day-to-day. Q: When do you stop and take notice?

T RYING OUT Keep learning new things

Learning affects our well-being in lots of positive ways. It exposes us to new ideas and helps us stay curious and engaged. It also gives us a sense of accomplishment and helps boost our self-confidence and resilience. There are many ways to learn new things - not just through formal qualifications. We can share a skill with friends, join a club, learn to sing, play a new sport and so much more. Q: What new things have you tried recently?

D IRECTION Have goals to look forward to

Feeling good about the future is important for our happiness. We all need goals to motivate us and these need to be challenging enough to excite us, but also achievable. If we try to attempt the impossible this brings unnecessary stress. Choosing ambitious but realistic goals gives our lives direction and brings a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when we achieve them. Q: What are your most important goals?

R ESILIENCE Find ways to bounce back

All of us have times of stress, loss, failure or trauma in our lives. But how we respond to these has a big impact on our well-being. We often cannot choose what happens to us, but we can choose our own attitude to what happens. In practice its not always easy, but one of the most exciting findings from recent research is that resilience, like many other life skills, can be learned. Q: How do you bounce back in tough times?

E MOTION Take a positive approach

Positive emotions like joy, gratitude, contentment, inspiration, and pride are not just great at the time. Recent research shows that regularly experiencing them creates an 'upward spiral', helping to build our resources. So although we need to be realistic about life's ups and downs, it helps to focus on the good aspects of any situation the glass half full rather than the glass half empty. Q: What are you feeling good about?

A CCEPTANCE Be comfortable with who you are

No-one's perfect. But so often we compare our insides to other people's outsides. Dwelling on our flaws - what we're not rather than what we've got - makes it much harder to be happy. Learning to accept ourselves, warts and all, and being kinder to ourselves when things go wrong, increases our enjoyment of life, our resilience and our well-being. It also helps us accept others as they are. Q: What is the real you like?

M EANING Be part of something bigger

People who have meaning and purpose in their lives are happier, feel more in control and get more out of what they do. They also experience less stress, anxiety and depression. But where do we find 'meaning and purpose'? It might be our religious faith, being a parent or doing a job that makes a difference. The answers vary for each of us but they all involve being connected to something bigger than ourselves. Q: What gives your life meaning?

1. Feel good around other people.

Back in the '60s (and by that I mean the 1660s), a Dutch scientist named Christiaan Huygens realized that multiple pendulums mounted on the same wall always ended up swinging in perfect synchrony, even when he had set them in motion at different times. This phenomenon is called entrainment, and in my experience humans are just as likely to fall in sync as Huygens's clocks. At the very least, many neuroscientists believe that our so-called mirror neurons can foster our ability to empathize with the emotions we observe in others. One rage-aholic can fill an entire office with anger, while a truly happy person can lighten the mood for everyone around her. I once spent several hours in a room full of large, sleeping dogs, who entrained me into such peace, I now count that uneventful afternoon as one of my life's highlights. To make someone's day, all you have to do is stay physically near her while remaining in a state of contentment, humor, compassion or calm. Try getting deeply happy around any loved one, acquaintance or stranger. Refuse to let go of your good mood. You don't have to say or do anything else. Really. It'll make your day to see how easily you can make someone else's. And before you know it, you'll be soothing entire stressed-out crowds, like the ones you find at food courts and matador conventions.

2. Pretend people love you.

One of the statements that changed my life comes from spiritual teacher Byron Katie: "When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don't expect them to realize it yet." I'm by no means certain that everyone in every room loves me, but I've found that pretending they do works nicely when I want to make someone's day. I spent much of my life wandering about armored against criticism and rejection, unaware that my wary defense appeared to others as inexplicable offense. And since everyone around me was also frightened, their defenses escalated the moment they encountered mine, which in turn ratcheted up to meet theirs, and so on. This emotional arms race drives people apart in every home, office, subway car, dentist's office, rice field and square-dancing school on Earth. But pretending other people love you flips the vicious cycle into a virtuous one. Imagine how you'd enter a public spacesay, a grocery storeif you knew without a doubt that everyone in it adored you. How would you move? How would you look at people? What would you say? Now

imagine interacting with a loved one while feeling so sure of her infinite, unconditional acceptance that you had no need for reaffirmation. How would you behave? You'd probably lay down some of your armor. Then she would loosen hers. Then you'd relax even more, and so on and on and on. Try it right nowyou can do so without getting up! Pretending someone loves you, right where you sit, will begin a day-making spiral of love. 5. Get someone else to help.

This may require a phone call, so put a phone near your Barcalounger. Then arrange for a third partynot yourselfto help the person whose day you're trying to make. Ask her what she needs: groceries delivered? a cleaning person to detail the kitchen? You needn't bankroll these services. Just be the one who makes the call. Many are the days folks have made for me by enlisting help on my behalf. And I didn't have to feel guilty about burdening them, because I know that getting help for someone else is way less arduous than asking for help yourself. So go ahead, tell a nutritionist about your husband's constipation. Schedule a massage for your tightly wound best friend. Use that phone! Make that day!

6. Gossip positively.

To praise people to their faces is to be disbelieved. Most of us doubt or discredit positive feedback, chalking it up to politeness or brownnosing or other social convention. But what people say behind our backs really sticks. My life changed in an adolescent moment when I picked up a phone extension, not knowing the line was in use, and heard a conversation about me, me, me! I don't know what had gotten into the speakersperhaps a great deal of what can only be called alcoholbut they were saying nice things about me. This not only made my day; it served as a foundation for emotional survival during some tough times thereafter. Today, "mistakenly" copy someone on an email about his best qualities. Leave positive comments about your children on notes "accidentally" scattered around the house. Admire people loudly to third parties when you know the admired are eavesdropping. Praise be.

7. Help a loved one play hooky.

This is an ethically gray area, so I would never say you should do it. I'm just hypothetically

floating the crazy idea that one day you might happen to call in sick for someone you love ("Well, I think she'll keep the hand if the bacteria isn't antibiotic resistant, but it may be airborne..."). Once she's freed from school or work, you could do something that would enrich her life forever. If that's the kind of thing you'd ever do. Which I would never suggest. One day my friend Allen called in sick for his girlfriend Jenny, then took her scuba diving to a coral reef where he'd previously planted an engagement ring (okay, the diving involved getting up, but the calling didn't). Now Allen and Jenny are married. Does she regret the memos she failed to receive that day, the emails that waited 24 extra hours for an answer? She does not. Go figure. Now, I realize all of this is a lot to take in. If I were you, I'd sleep on it before trying any of these methods. Just lie back and let all this advice float out of your head. The information will return should you ever need it. Relax, relax, relax. That would really make my day.

All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today. ~Proverb For as long as I can remember, Ive wanted to contribute to the world somehow. Ive always dreamed of starting a charity organization. I bet that, just like me, you walk around with some sort of wish in your heart to change the world in some way, but you might not do anything about it. How come? My excuses were time, money, fears, and not knowing how to go about it. Im guessing you have similar hindrances. Until recently I held on to the limiting belief that someday, one perfect day, when Im done being busy with pursuing my masters degree, working my current part-time job in a call center, and raising two small kids under five, Ill follow my heart and contribute to this world. Someday. Its a myth! Through my job in a call center, I witness lots of tragedies that happen to people, and theyve been wakeup calls for me. Ive understood something life-changing: all I really have is today. And I better make it count. So I made a conscious decision, a choice, to throw all my fears away and start spreading happiness. I thought, I might not be able to start a charity now, but I can take a tiny step and start as a volunteer in some existing organization. So I joined hospital clown project, where I do the small, practical stuff for them.

I also decided to spread happiness around my inner circlemy husband, my two kids, my family, friends, and colleagues, with small things. I make their day brighter with pancakes, a hot cup of hot chocolate, or just by patiently listening. Im guessing youre questioning this hippie approach. I am too, but give it a chance anyway! I got inspiration from this story I read somewhere that I thought was powerful in its simplicity. There was once a female traveler who always carried two bags with her, anywhere she went. In those bags she had flower seeds. Anytime she traveled or walked by a new place, she would throw these seeds around her. People wondered why she did it. Its a lifetime habit of mine, she explained. Ill probably never come here again, but by spreading the flower seeds I leave something beautiful behind that people who come here can enjoy. It doesnt matter that they dont know me personally. All that matters is that by doing this, Ill make someone happy. What if we had this philosophy in life? My grandmother also inspires me. Shed lost both her parents when she was a child during the 40s in Russia, and she raised her siblings alone. She had plenty of reasons to just be bitter and sad. Yet, she was always happy and made others happy. People loved to be around her. Just like the female traveler, she spread seeds of happiness around her. Imagine if everyone would spread small seeds of happiness everywhere they went. Or maybe, everywhere is too broad. Lets just start with around us, at work, at school, with our kids, family, friends, and strangers on a street. Lets spread kindness and happiness around in our inner circle. If youre like me, quite busy with daily life, you might not know where to start. Consider following and see if there are anything you can apply in your everyday.

1. Be kind toward yourself.

You know how on airplanes they advise that in case of a possible accident, parents should put on their oxygen masks before they help their kids? The same thing applies here. Be kind toward yourself. Really. You cant give what you dont have, right? So go ahead and do the things you lovedance, sing, or paint all you want. Just enjoy. Then go and spread some happiness around you.

2. Smile.

This is the best method ever to make your own day and spread happiness around to others. Dont wait to be happy; think of something good in your life, smile, and see what happens.

3. Surprise!
Surprise the people you love with flowers, small presents, kind words, help, a hug, or a genuine compliment.

4. Be a hero.
Notice and help someone around you, a perfect stranger. Ive just witnessed a hero in action. This homeless-looking guy came to a caf and wanted to buy coffee. All guests and servers looked at him like he didnt belong there. As he counted his coins, he quickly realized that he was short of money. Before I could say anything, this young guy walked up and paid what the man was missing. He sat down and enjoyed his coffee. Thats an act of everyday Superman to me, no?

5. Say something good about someone or something.

Be genuine. This makes you feel good and its much better than gossiping, since youre spreading positive words and thoughts with the people around you. Win!

6. Make an effort to have good thoughts.

The thing with our thoughts is that they become words and then actions, so its important we observe them and choose them wisely. Our thoughts are like flower seeds. They can either spread happiness or sadness. The choice is ours!

7. Listen with all your attention.

It sounds so easy, yet really few master it. Give your full attention to the person youre talking with. It can change your whole view of the person and vice versa. That makes two happy people!

8. Learn a skill.
Then teach it for free. It could be anything from languages to cooking. Make it your one-person charity organization. Just dont tell anyone. Have fun! Happiness is not a goalits a by-product of a life well lived. Eleanor Roosevelt All of us have times of stress, loss, failure or trauma in our lives. But how we respond to these has a big impact on our wellbeing. We often cannot choose what happens to us, but in principle we can choose our own attitude to what happens. In practice it's not always easy, but one of the most

exciting findings from recent research is that resilience, like many other life skills, can be learned. Resilience comes from the Latin word resilio - to jump back- and is increasingly used in everyday language to describe our ability to cope with and bounce back from adversity. Some people describe it as the ability to bend instead of breaking when under pressure or difficulty, or the ability to persevere and adapt when faced with challenges.[1] The same abilities also help to make us more open to and willing to take on new opportunities.[1] In this way being resilient is more than just survival, it includes letting go, learning and growing as well as finding healthy ways to cope.[2] Research shows that resilience isn't a rare quality found in a few, extraordinary people. One expert in the subject, Dr Ann Masten, describes it as 'ordinary magic' noting that it comes from our normal, everyday capabilities, relationships and resources.[3] She argues that resilience isn't a static characteristic of an individual but comprises many factors, internal and external. And we can be naturally resilient in some situations or at sometimes in our lives and not others. Each person and each situation is different.[4] All of us can take action to increase our resilience. We are all likely to experience ups and downs so building resiliency is valuable. We can't always predict or control what life throws at us, but we can build a range of skills and nurture our resources to help us respond flexibly, effectively deal with challenges, recover more quickly and even learn and grow as a result.[1][5][6] It can even lower our risk of depression and anxiety and enable us to age successfully.[1][4] What's more the same skills can help us manage fear of taking on new opportunities and so help us develop in other ways too. Our resilience is influenced by three key sets of factors: our development as a child and as a teenager; external factors such as our relationships with others or having a faith; and internal factors such as how we choose to interpret events, manage our emotions and regulate our behaviour.[1][4] As parents or those that work with children, we can do much to help build resilience of kids and teenagers. Whilst as adults we can't change our childhoods, there is plenty we can do to build our resilience within the second and third sets of factors, and indeed research is showing that resilience is developable in adults as well as in children.[1][4][7] There is a saying that most of us have heard: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and science has shown that it does have some truth in it. Experiencing some adversity during our lives does increase our resilience by enabling us to learn ways of coping and identify and engage our support network. It also gives us a sense of mastery over past adversities, which helps us to feel we will be able to cope in the future. We have probably all experienced things as stressful initially (for example a new task at school or at work) but later find we are no longer phased by similar activities. Importantly though, for us to learn through such struggles our coping skills and resources can be taxed but not overwhelmed.[8] Psychologists Dr Karen Reivich, Dr Andrew Shatt (along with Dr Jane Gillham) argue that most of us aren't as prepared as we might be to face adversity and so we run the risk of giving up or feeling helpless in the face of difficulty. But, by changing the way we think about adversity, we can boost how resilient we are. Based on extensive research, they believe that our capacity for resilience is not fixed or in our genes, nor are there limits on how resilient we are able to be.

They have developed and studied a number of cognitive and behavioural skills that have been scientifically shown to build resilience in children and adults.[1]With effort and commitment we can learn these and put them into practice ourselves. Seven are detailed in the book:The Resilience Factor(see Resources below) and some of the actions suggested by Action for Happiness are based on these. Many of the other actions in this website that can help you and others around you be happier, are also strategies that can help you to become more resilient. If you are already putting some of these into practice it is likely that you are already on your way to developing some useful tools and techniques that will also be valuable during tougher times[9]. One of the key external sources of resilience is our network of relationships with other people such as family, friends, neighbours and work colleagues.[1][4][8] Taking time to nurture our relationships is a vital part of resilience building and helps to create resilient and happier communities. Many of these relationships are reciprocal - we can be there to support others as well as them supporting us. Support can range from simply making a cup of tea and listening to practical help such as looking after the kids, shopping or help around the house. A support network can also be a source of ideas and advice to help think things through. Strong social networks also build happier communities, which helps to increase the resilience of all of us. And support isn't just there for when times are tough, sharing good news is also important for building our relationships and increasing happiness. Knowing when we need help and asking for it is an important part of resilience. There may also be times when we need to seek professional support for example from a doctor, charitable foundation or advice centre, counselor or therapist. A key ingredient in resilience is optimism. This is not about 'unrealistic' optimism or denying that anything bad has happened, or might happen. This is just as unhealthy a strategy as always expecting the worst. Realistic optimists are those who engage with their problems as challenges, which can include planning for worst case scenarios. They actively appreciate the positive aspects of the situation without denying the negative. They do not delude themselves into thinking they are invincible or that there is no problem (as an unrealistic optimist might) and they do not resign themselves to their fate in thinking that nothing can be done (as a pessimist would). They aspire or hope for positive outcomes and actively work towards them.[1] In other words, they recognise what they can control and do something about and what they can't, and so focus their efforts accordingly. Research indicates that optimists are more likely to cope better, seek support from others and less likely to withdraw from those around them. Through facing their issues and seeking advice it is easier to see things more clearly and rationally - they can therefore be more realistic than pessimists. They are skilled at finding benefits to the situations they find themselves in and they experience less negative emotions and stress.And not because they ignore the difficulties of life, but precisely because they take them on.[10] Our ability to cope with adversity can be influenced by how we are able to interpret the situation we are in or what has happened to us. Finding a way to put it in perspective, such as thinking of those in worse situations and/or finding a way to make sense of it can be helpful. A related but separate process, finding some benefit that has come as a result of the difficulty can also be constructive.[11] This isn't about denial of what happened, nor putting an unrealistically positive

spin on things but, where possible, trying to find some good from negative events can be a healthy coping strategy.[8] Benefit finding in adversity isn't rare. For example one study on breast cancer survivors, found that two thirds of the women participating reported that their lives changed for the better after developing the disease. Some of the benefits they cited included their illness being a "wake-up call", which forced them to focus on what truly mattered to them.[12] Likewise other studies have shown that individuals who coped effectively with other conditions such as HIV and heart disease also had a similar tendency to find benefit in their condition.[13] Experiences that bring people face to face with the fragility of life can bring them a sharpened appreciation of their relationships, for example, and of the importance of living in the present. Other trauma survivors have said they have a new belief in their own strength and resources, they are more comfortable with intimacy and are more compassionate with others who are suffering, and have developed a deeper, more satisfying philosophy of life.[13] Actively seeking possible benefits over time, however minor, can help the process of recovery, reduce the likelihood of depression and so build our resilience.11 What is certainly important is taking the time to reflect and process things to enable us not only to understand and find benefit in what has happened, but also to build it into our lives rather than ignore it.[13] However, a strong note of caution - finding benefit is highly individual and it isn't possible for everyone and every situation. Indeed it can depend on the nature of the negative event. We should not feel that we must find benefits, nor feel guilty or shameful when we really can't.[13] Recovery from major trauma, pain, or loss is a big achievement, it is difficult and takes time. It is not uncommon that some degree of change is a part of that process whether it is a change in our circumstances or how we feel about our lives. In some instances this change can be profound - a change in who we discover we are or how we focus the direction of our lives and research indicates that some people experience a significant personal growth as a result of major negative events. This is what is known as 'post-traumatic growth' (PTG) and is defined by psychologists as "a positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances".[14] PTG tends to surprise people, and is not usually a conscious aim. PTG results from a fundamental change in the way we see ourselves and or the world.[14] A significant amount of research in recent years has focused on the factors that characterise such growth. These include:

a 'seismic' disruption to how we see ourselves; the recognition that we have changed in some significant way for the better as a result of the event; a reconfiguring of how we make meaningful sense of the world; deepening personal relationships through sharing and depending on others; development or mastery of new skills; re-prioritisation of goals and priorities, or setting of different ones; and even a greater spiritual belief or connection to something bigger.[11]

Finding benefit in adversity is relatively common and transient and is seen as a mechanism to cope with the event whereas PTG requires active processing of the meaning of the change and time to identify, set and make progress towards new goals. Often PTG results in a change in our identity and behaviour and so is apparent to others.[11] The research does not suggest that there is anything inherently good about a trauma or painful loss - of course there isn't. But what the research does show is that when events happen that force us to stop, to step out of our day to day lives and to confront issues we might not usually have to, it is possible for some good to come from the struggle. [1]Reivich, K & Shatt, A. (2003). The Resilience Factor: Seven keys to finding your inner strength and overcoming life's hurdles. NY: Broadway Books People who have meaning and purpose in their lives are happier, feel more in control and get more out of what they do. They also experience less stress, anxiety and depression. [1] But where do we find 'meaning and purpose'? It might be our religious faith, being a parent or doing a job that makes a difference. The answers vary for each of us but they all involve being connected to something bigger than ourselves. A simple way to describe having 'meaning' in your life is that it's about being part of something that we really believe in that is bigger than ourselves. [8] It helps us answer the question: why are we here? Often it's something that can't be reduced or goes beyond the dayto-day. It guides us in how we choose to live our lives, what we strive for and provides a framework for the goals we set. It can help make sense of what happens to us, provide a source of comfort and strength in tough times and helps us feel that we are not alone. Religious faith or other spiritual practices provide meaning for many people and research suggests that people with faith tend to have higher average levels of happiness and well-being than people with no religious beliefs. [10] But religion and spirituality are not the only sources of meaning. For many of us, our relationships with others are a key source of meaning in our lives as parents, friends and members of a community (see Connect with people). In fact one of the benefits with religious faith is the connection that comes from being part of a shared community of like-minded people. Other important sources of meaning include finding your 'calling' - a job or activity that you're passionate about - or having a deep connection to the natural world. What is certain is that 'meaning' is something very individual. No one can tell us what gives meaning to our lives - we have to find out for ourselves. There are many different ways of finding meaning in our lives. For some people it comes through experiences (often difficult ones), others through deep reflection, others from loving and being loved and others just from the way they choose to approach other people and the world around. We can each find our own way - but it's important to remember the imporance of meaning when making the big choices about our families, jobs, lifestyles and priorities. Although finding meaning is about connecting to something beyond ourselves, it also seems to tap into to something fundamental within all of us. For some people this becomes obvious early on - for example a calling to teach or become a doctor or to follow a particular faith. For many however it is a search that can take a lifetime. And sometimes a practice, such as meditation, can help us become more in touch with our feelings and deepest selves.

Interestingly, although there is strong evidence that having meaning in our lives is good for our wellbeing, there appears to be relatively little research on the search for meaning. Some research even seems to suggest that those in active pursuit of meaning may be more likely to be anxious or depressed. [1] This suggests it can be a bit of 'chicken or egg' experience, where the frantic search for meaning implies often its absence. A good approach is to consciously think about which activities, people and beliefs bring us the strongest sense of purpose and passion. Then we can focus on making sure that we prioritise these things in our busy lives. Often we're so busy just hurtling ahead and end up exhausted at the end of each day without ever finding time to think about what really gives our lives meaning. Sometimes it is only when we reach important new stages in our lives, such as parenthood, middle age or retirement - or when something happens to disrupt our lives such as a trauma that we start to think about the point of being here and what is really important. But it's never too soon (or too late) to start putting the really important things first. The idea of 'having a calling' originally had religious connotations, but more recently this word has been applied in a non-religious context to refer to a particular approach to work. [3] Individuals who have a 'calling' do work which is a source of both personal and social meaning. They find their work enjoyable for its own sake and feel that it makes a valuable contribution to society or improving the world in some way. People with a calling feel strongly drawn to pursue their work and think of it as a core part of who they are - so their work is central to their identity. It's possible for people to have more than one calling at the same time, either over the course of their life or even concurrently. [4] Importantly, callings are not restricted to high status or highly paid jobs but can be any role, at any level. The same occupation may be experienced as a calling by one person but not others. Unfortunately too many people tend to regard their work merely as a means to an end - to pay for necessities and support their families ('a job') or as a route to achievement or prestige ('a career') rather than a source of real fulfilment and meaning. [3] Callings are generally associated with benefits such as increased job and life satisfaction and health, regardless of level of income, education or type of occupation. People with callings are less likely to suffer from stress and depression, or have conflict between work and non-work parts of their lives. [5] Being unable to pursue a known calling has been linked to frustration or regret, which can undermine psychological wellbeing and job performance. [4] The search for a calling can be associated with indecision and confusion about our own identity. However as our work is such a big part of our lives, it is often worth some discomfort and soulsearching to find your true purpose.

PREV ACTIONS NEXT

Find your true purpose

For many of us there is a gap between the life we are leading and the people that we feel we really are. Too many of us spend large portions of our lives doing jobs or activities that we may not

necessarily believe in or feel truly motivated by. This is a big missed opportunity and a major source of stress. If we can find and pursue our true purpose, it can fundamentally change our lives for the better and also help us make a more positive contribution to the world around us. People who have a clear purpose or calling experience work as a source of personal and social meaning. They see their work as enjoyable for its own sake and feel that it makes a valuable contribution to society. They feel drawn to pursue their purpose and it is a core part of who they are. But how on earth can we 'find our purpose'? Surely it's not that straightforward? Finding a clear purpose for your life is no small task and there is no single answer or approach which will work for everyone. However, we know that we're at our best when we use our strengths and focus on topics and issues that really motivate and energise us. So a great starting point is to find a way to use our strengths in pursuing an area that we're really passionate about. Below is a very simple yet affective approach to articulating your life purpose developed by the coach, consultant and author Neil Crofts. Step 1: What are your talents? We all have strengths and talents, but we don't often recognise them and use them actively in our daily lives. Write down a list of 5 to 8 things that you're really good at. Things that just come naturally to you. Don't be modest, be honest. If you're struggling then you might want to take theVIA Survey of Strengths. Step 2: What are you passionate about? We all have things that we're passionate about and love to do, but very often we think of these things as hobbies rather than involving them at the heart of our life and work. Write down a list of 5 to 8 things that you're passionate about. Things you love to experience, talk about, think about and do. Step 3: What would you like to change in the world? Our purpose is most meaningful if it contributes to some wider social benefit or greater good - for example by helping to overcome a pressing societal issue (e.g. sustainability, fairness, alleviation of suffering, equality). Write down a list of 5 to 8 things that anger you about how society operates at the moment. Be specific. What are the things that make you really mad? Step 4: Combine your answers to articulate your positive purpose Now see if you can find a way to combine your talents, passion and anger in a positive and coherent way. If you can this could be the foundation for your life's purpose. This might take the form of: "My life's purpose is to use my (talents) and (passion) to (suitable verb) (anger)". Here are a couple of examples;

"My life's purpose is to use my talent for engineering and my passion for alternative energy to help develop solutions to the climate crisis" "My life's purpose is to use my talent for teaching and my passion for children's well-being to help reduce the number of kids suffering with anxiety and depression".

Step 5: Think and talk about your purpose Having made a first attempt to articulate your life's purpose spend some time thinking about it and discussing it with trusted friends and family members. Is it really you? Does it reflect how

you're living your life at the moment, or does it suggest that you need to make some changes in order to follow your purpose? Finding your purpose or calling is not easy and pursuing it may not be practical immediately. But if you can then it leave you with a significantly greater sense of well-being and fulfilment - as well as potentially contributing to the wider social good. "Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it." Buddha People with strong and broad social relationships are happier, healthier and live longer. Close relationships with family and friends provide love, meaning, support and increase our feelings of self worth. Broader networks bring a sense of belonging. So taking action to strengthen our relationships and build connections is essential for happiness. [1][2][3][4][5] Our connections with other people are at the heart of happiness - theirs and ours. Whether these connections are with our partners, families, friends, work colleagues, neighbours or people in our broader communities, they all contribute to our happiness. Chris Peterson, one of the founders of positive psychology puts it simply as: "Other people matter". Scholars and scientists agree about the central importance of relationships for our wellbeing and our happiness. [2][3][4][5] Many studies have shown that both the quality and quantity of social connections have an impact on our health and longevity as well as psychological wellbeing. [6] Not having close personal ties poses the same level of health risk as smoking or obesity. Having a network of social connections or high levels of social support appears to increase our immunity to infection, lower our risk of heart disease and reduce mental decline as we get older. [7] Close, secure and supportive relationships are the most important for well-being, whether these are with our husband, wife, partner, relatives or friends. See Family and Friends. Research shows that it's the quality of our relationships that matters most. [2] This is influenced by: Experiencing positive emotions together - e.g. enjoyment, fun

Being able to talk openly and feel understood Giving and receiving of support Shared activities and experiences. [8]

Just as relationships are a two-way thing, it seems the connection between happiness and relationships is too. Not only do relationships help to make us happier, but also happy people tend to have more and better quality relationships. [9] So working on our relationships is good for happiness and working on our happiness is good for our relationships. That's a win all round! By nature we are social creatures and it makes sense that relationships are central to our happiness - the survival and evolution of the human race has depended on it! Indeed some eminent psychologists and biologists argue strongly that, contrary to the wellknown 'selfish-gene' theory (i.e. that we are concerned only with the survival of our own genes), it

is the survival of the group that is likely to be most successful in evolutionary terms - even if the genes of its members are unrelated. [3] It does seem that we are wired for relationships - think of emotions and behaviours such as love, compassion, kindness, gratitude, generosity, smiling and laughing. [3] Or how reluctant we usually are to break bonds with people and how painful it is when we do. [10] Our need to feel connected to other people - to love and be loved, and to care and be cared for - is a fundamental human need. [11] Some experts argue that the capacity to be loved, as well as to love, is the most important human strength. [12] As well as our close relationships, we all have wider connections with people across the different circles of our lives - at work, in our communities or through our social activities. Although these relationships are less deep, these are also important for happiness and wellbeing. Having diverse social connections predicts how long we live and even impacts how resistant we are to catching colds! Our broader social networks provide a sense of belonging and influence how safe and secure we feel. Building connections in our Local Community contributes to our own happiness and that of those around us, enabling our communities to flourish. [13] Remarkable new research shows that happiness is contagious across social networks. Our happiness depends not only on the happiness of those in our direct social network, but on the happiness of the people they know too. In other words, happiness ripples out through groups of people, like a pebble thrown into a pond. [14] We can help to build happier communities by doing what we can to boost our own happiness and also being conscious of the impact our behaviour on others. Even seemingly small, incidental interactions, such as a friendly smile or act of kindness can make a difference - to ourselves, the people we interact with and the people they affect too. Feeling good about the future is important for our happiness. We all need goals to motivate us and these need to be challenging enough to excite us, but also achievable. If we try to attempt the impossible this brings unnecessary stress. Choosing ambitious but realistic goals gives our lives direction and brings a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when we achieve them. Goals are the way we can turn our values and dreams into reality. Happiness doesn't just happen - it comes from thinking, planning and pursuing things that are important to us. Scientific research shows that setting and working towards goals can contribute to happiness in various ways, including:

Being a source of interest, engagement or pleasure Giving us a sense of meaning and purpose Bringing a sense of accomplishment when we achieve what we set out to (or milestones along the way) - this also builds our confidence and belief in what we can do in the future [2][3][4]

Goals help focus our attention. Actively working towards them appears to be as important for our well-being as achieving the end results we are aiming for.

Goals are most successful when they're something we really want to achieve and when we set them for ourselves - rather than being something someone else wants us to do. Goals can be long-term, short-term or even day-to-day. A long-term goal might be a big career or life goal - for example to become a doctor or obtain a qualification. A short-term goal might be a plan for the coming weeks or months - for example to organise a party or join a 5-a-side team. A day-to-day goal might be just to cook something different or contact an old friend. Smaller goals may seem unimportant. But having personal projects that matter to us - and are manageable - has been consistently shown to boost well-being, especially when they're supported by others around us. And it's even better if we can link our smaller goals back to our bigger aims and priorities in life. The way we set goals influences the actions we take to achieve them, the effort we put in and how persistent we are at sticking to them. Good goal-setting can be learned (see Set your goals and make them happen). Some of our goals may be ambitious, but it's important that they're still achievable. Achieving our goals brings a sense of accomplishment and makes us feel more positive about the future. Science shows that people who are optimistic tend to be happier, healthier and cope better in tough times. [1] Although we may have a natural tendency to be more optimistic or pessimistic, there are things we can do to take a more optimistic outlook, without losing touch with reality. Optimism is about believing that things are more likely to turn out good than bad. Not surprisingly our level of optimism can influence how persistent we are in aiming for our goals and how we deal with setbacks. Taking an optimistic approach to our goals includes:

Choosing goals that take us towards something positive we want to achieve, rather than goals that help us avoid things we don't want. Being proactive when problems arise and looking for ways to resolve them, rather than ignoring or putting off dealing with issues. Avoiding dwelling on the negative - learning to accept difficult things that we can't change and re-adjusting our goals rather than avoiding them. [2]

Although there is some evidence of benefits to pessimism - such as in assessing risks to our health - the research suggests that optimism is better for our health and happiness overall. Studies show that in difficult situations - such as starting college, aging or dealing with medical issues - optimists appear to experience less distress and higher well-being than pessimists. [1] But it's important we keep our feet on the ground. An overly optimistic outlook can be unhelpful. Being optimistic does not mean blindly ignoring the negative facts. Having unrealistically high expectations can lead to disappointment, a sense of failure and a more pessimistic view of the future. When we think about the future we are all guessing to some degree - so we have to base our goals and our judgments on what little we know now. Taking a realistic but hopeful view of the outcomes seems to increase the likelihood that things really will turn out ok. [5]

Six Habits of Highly Empathic People

By Roman Krznaric | November 27, 2012 | 17 Comments

We can cultivate empathy throughout our lives, says Roman Krznaricand use it as a radical force for social transformation. If you think youre hearing the word empathy everywhere, youre right. Its now on the lips of scientists and business leaders, education experts and political activists. But there is a vital question that few people ask: How can I expand my own empathic potential? Empathy is not just a way to extend the boundaries of your moral universe. According to new research, its a habit we can cultivate to improve the quality of our own lives.

But what is empathy? Its the ability to step into the shoes of another person, aiming to understand their feelings and perspectives, and to use that understanding to guide our actions. That makes it different from kindness or pity. And dont confuse it with the Golden Rule, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. As George Bernard Shaw pointed out, Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto youthey might have different tastes. Empathy is about discovering those tastes. The big buzz about empathy stems from a revolutionary shift in the science of how we understand human nature. The old view that we are essentially self-interested creatures is being nudged firmly to one side by evidence that we are also homo empathicus, wired for empathy, social cooperation, and mutual aid. Over the last decade, neuroscientists have identified a 10-section empathy circuit in our brains which, if damaged, can curtail our ability to understand what other people are feeling. Evolutionary biologists like Frans de Waal have shown that we are social animals who have naturally evolved to care for each other, just like our primate cousins. And psychologists have revealed that we are primed for empathy by strong attachment relationships in the first two years of life. But empathy doesnt stop developing in childhood. We can nurture its growth throughout our livesand we can use it as a radical force for social transformation. Research in sociology, psychology, historyand my own studies of empathic personalities over the past 10 years reveals how we can make empathy an attitude and a part of our daily lives, and thus improve the lives of everyone around us. Here are the Six Habits of Highly Empathic People!

Habit 1: Cultivate curiosity about strangers

Highly empathic people (HEPs) have an insatiable curiosity about strangers. They will talk to the person sitting next to them on the bus, having retained that natural inquisitiveness we all had as children, but which society is so good at beating out of us. They find other people more interesting than themselves but are not out to interrogate them, respecting the advice of the oral historian Studs Terkel: Dont be an examiner, be the interested inquirer. Curiosity expands our empathy when we talk to people outside our usual social circle, encountering lives and worldviews very different from our own. Curiosity is good for us too: Happiness guru Martin Seligman identifies it as a key character strength that can enhance life satisfaction. And it is a useful cure for the chronic loneliness afflicting around one in three Americans. Cultivating curiosity requires more than having a brief chat about the weather. Crucially, it tries to understand the world inside the head of the other person. We are confronted by strangers every day, like the heavily tattooed woman who delivers your mail or the new employee who always eats his lunch alone. Set yourself the challenge of having a conversation with one stranger every week. All it requires is courage.

Habit 2: Challenge prejudices and discover commonalities

We all have assumptions about others and use collective labelse.g., Muslim fundamentalist, welfare momthat prevent us from appeciating their individuality. HEPs challenge their own preconceptions and prejudices by searching for what they share with people rather than what divides them. An episode from the history of US race relations illustrates how this can happen. Claiborne Paul Ellis was born into a poor white family in Durham, North Carolina, in 1927. Finding it hard to make ends meet working in a garage and believing African Americans were the cause of all his troubles, he followed his fathers footsteps and joined the Ku Klux Klan, eventually rising to the top position of Exalted Cyclops of his local KKK branch. In 1971 he was invitedas a prominent local citizento a 10-day community meeting to tackle racial tensions in schools, and was chosen to head a steering committee with Ann Atwater, a black activist he despised. But working with her exploded his prejudices about African Americans. He saw that she shared the same problems of poverty as his own. I was beginning to look at a black person, shake hands with him, and see him as a human being, he recalled of his experience on the committee. It was almost like bein born again. On the final night of the meeting, he stood in front of a thousand people and tore up his Klan membership card. Ellis later became a labor organiser for a union whose membership was 70 percent African American. He and Ann remained friends for the rest of their lives. There may be no better example of the power of empathy to overcome hatred and change our minds.

Habit 3: Try another persons life

So you think ice climbing and hang-gliding are extreme sports? Then you need to try experiential empathy, the most challengingand potentially rewardingof them all. HEPs expand their empathy by gaining direct experience of other peoples lives, putting into practice the Native American proverb, Walk a mile in another mans moccasins before you criticize him. George Orwell is an inspiring model. After several years as a colonial police officer in British Burma in the 1920s, Orwell returned to Britain determined to discover what life was like for those living on the social margins. I wanted to submerge myself, to get right down among the oppressed, he wrote. So he dressed up as a tramp with shabby shoes and coat, and lived on the streets of East London with beggars and vagabonds. The result, recorded in his book Down and Out in Paris and London, was a radical change in his beliefs, priorities, and relationships. He not only realized that homeless people are not drunken scoundrelsOrwell developed new friendships, shifted his views on inequality, and gathered some superb literary material. It was the greatest travel experience of his life. He realised that empathy doesnt just make you goodits good for you, too. We can each conduct our own experiments. If you are religiously observant, try a God Swap, attending the services of faiths different from your own, including a meeting of Humanists. Or if youre an atheist, try attending different churches! Spend your next vacation living and volunteering in a village in a developing country. Take the path favored by philosopher John Dewey, who said, All genuine education comes about through experience.

Habit 4: Listen hardand open up

There are two traits required for being an empathic conversationalist. One is to master the art of radical listening. What is essential, says Marshall Rosenberg, psychologist and founder of Non-Violent Communication (NVC), is our ability to be present to whats really going on withinto the unique feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that very moment. HEPs listen hard to others and do all they can to grasp their emotional state and

needs, whether it is a friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer or a spouse who is upset at them for working late yet again. But listening is never enough. The second trait is to make ourselves vulnerable. Removing our masks and revealing our feelings to someone is vital for creating a strong empathic bond. Empathy is a two-way street that, at its best, is built upon mutual understandingan exchange of our most important beliefs and experiences. Organizations such as the Israeli-Palestinian Parents Circle put it all into practice by bringing together bereaved families from both sides of the conflict to meet, listen, and talk. Sharing stories about how their loved ones died enables families to realize that they share the same pain and the same blood, despite being on opposite sides of a political fence, and has helped to create one of the worlds most powerful grassroots peace-building movements.

Habit 5: Inspire mass action and social change

We typically assume empathy happens at the level of individuals, but HEPs understand that empathy can also be a mass phenomenon that brings about fundamental social change. Just think of the movements against slavery in the 18th and 19th centuries on both sides of the Atlantic. As journalist Adam Hochschild reminds us, The abolitionists placed their hope not in sacred texts but human empathy, doing all they could to get people to understand the very real suffering on the plantations and slave ships. Equally, the international trade union movement grew out of empathy between industrial workers united by their shared exploitation. The overwhelming public response to the Asian tsunami of 2004 emerged from a sense of empathic concern for the victims, whose plight was dramatically beamed into our homes on shaky video footage. Empathy will most likely flower on a collective scale if its seeds are planted in our children. Thats why HEPs support efforts such as Canadas pioneering Roots of Empathy, the worlds most effective empathy teaching program, which has benefited over half a million school kids. Its unique curriculum centers on an infant, whose development children observe over time in order to learn emotional intelligenceand its results include significant declines in playground bullying and higher levels of academic achievement. Beyond education, the big challenge is figuring out how social networking technology can harness the power of empathy to create mass political action. Twitter may have gotten people onto the streets for Occupy Wall Street and the Arab Spring, but can it convince us to care deeply about the suffering of distant strangers, whether they are drought-stricken farmers in Africa or future generations who will bear the brunt of our carbon-junkie lifestyles? This will only happen if social networks learn to spread not just information, but empathic connection.

Habit 6: Develop an ambitious imagination

A final trait of HEPs is that they do far more than empathize with the usual suspects. We tend to believe empathy should be reserved for those living on the social margins or who are suffering. This is necessary, but it is hardly enough. We also need to empathize with people whose beliefs we dont share or who may be enemies in some way. If you are a campaigner on global warming, for instance, it may be worth trying to step into the shoes of oil company executivesunderstanding their thinking and motivationsif you want to devise effective strategies to shift them towards developing renewable energy. A little of this instrumental empathy (sometimes known as impact anthropology) can go a long way. Empathizing with adversaries is also a route to social tolerance. That was Gandhis thinking during the conflicts between Muslims and Hindus leading up to Indian independence in 1947, when he declared, I am a Muslim! And a Hindu, and a Christian and a Jew.

Organizations, too, should be ambitious with their empathic thinking. Bill Drayton, the renowned father of social entrepreneurship, believes that in an era of rapid technological change, mastering empathy is the key business survival skill because it underpins successful teamwork and leadership. His influential Ashoka Foundation has launched the Start Empathy initiative, which is taking its ideas to business leaders, politicians and educators worldwide. The 20th century was the Age of Introspection, when self-help and therapy culture encouraged us to believe that the best way to understand who we are and how to live was to look inside ourselves. But it left us gazing at our own navels. The 21st century should become the Age of Empathy, when we discover ourselves not simply through self-reflection, but by becoming interested in the lives of others. We need empathy to create a new kind of revolution. Not an oldfashioned revolution built on new laws, institutions, or policies, but a radical revolution in human relationships.