Best humorous & witty liners

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. Evening news is where they begin with Good evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isnt. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of payments. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one enjoys it? To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you dont need it. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, youre ugly too. Hospitality: making your guests feel like theyre at home, even if you wish they were. A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone. If winning isnt everything why do they keep score? If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, youll have trouble putting on your pants. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where theyre going. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. Girls are like roads, more the curves, and more the dangerous they are. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong. By the time you learn the rules of life, youre too old to play the game. Build a man a fire, and hell be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and hell be warm for the rest of his life. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper. Experience is what you get when you didnt get what you wanted. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins. Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them. Women should not have children after 35. Really 35 children are enough.

 Do you realize that in about 40 years, well have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn its hot. We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour To err is human; to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. If you cant convince them, confuse them. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a kidney, and only enough blood to run one at a time. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. I dont have a solution, but I do admire the problem. Dont steal. Thats the governments job. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.

 No one is listening until you fart. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. Lifes like a bird, its pretty cute until it shits on your head. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. There are no winners in lifeonly survivors. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. Hell shut up once you let him in. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you dont have it. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who dont. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. Why is a bra singular and panties plural? Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents. Without ME, its just AWESO. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Roses are red violets are blue, Im schizophrenic and so am I. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. Strangers have the best candy. Trust but verify. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive? It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!!

 Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasnt much, but the reception was excellent. If a dog sniffs your ass, youre probably a bitch. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctors office is full of portraits by Picasso. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before. I love oral sexits the phone bill I hate. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy. Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard. With a calendar, your days are numbered. Its not the bullet that kills you, its the hole. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! Married men live longer than single men, but theyre a lot more willing to die. Beauty is only skin deepbut ugly goes all the way to the bone! Most women dont know where to look when theyre eating a banana. If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour