.....

;
He Knows When
u Are /eeping ...
He Knows When
You're Awake!
The Special "Welcome to the Machine" Issue : ..
:8,
Homophobia
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mfOflrll4"" by Ihe 01
_ Uftlm.lqI or Wat;rkIQ. Views in r,ht lrwt W4r'
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MICImOsh or MS-DOS J 112" dlJ;k. The IlU1hor'1l name. cl8.\'
and phone> nu...w lJIould bo includl)d.
A11l11balillionll. \/111motlwtwi ... .wed. bocOl1lfllhe P'O\>'
elly olTlv: Iron Jt'4uitlt whiclt reliaVts !he ri8ht 10 refuw!
publkalioc of nwemJ wbicllit cieemlliJULUtabie. IIJLkim
iJIa:k re_ die riib! to cWt grammar, spellinl> and
pOrtiOM or IIlIII do IlOl meet \lIlI.... lIy $W1<IIttIs. Au!IIors
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M ."lIionl and wvtrli$UIi be fonoaI1lcd 10:
'lbc IIllIJ WAIIior
En,illeerinS SOI!iQly
CPII1321
lIlHvcrtity of WaterlOO
WlIUlrlOO.Oolatio
NlL301
PhOPe: (519) 888-4762

"""'1 ... atstat.uwaterloo.ca
Cathy Richardson
2A Systems
W
e need only look around us to
become aware of the level of
degeneracy of the morals of
North American society. For years, we
have been concerned only with our own
interests, ignoring anyone who has not
helped us on our road to "success" and
"satisfaction" It would appear that most
people's philosophy of life consists oflook-
ing out for "number one" and trampling
the rest. I am reminded of song lyrics by
the Indigo Girls: "No one can convince me
we aren't gluttons for our doom"
Inspirational cliches would have us
believe that the future is not so bleak; they
assure us that "the children are our
future", but what promise does the future
hold if our children are as morally defi-
dent as we are?
TIle political correctness movement has
had noble intentions in its attempts to
make us consider the rights and feelings of
individuals and groups other than our-
selves, but the extremes to which it is car-
ried have had dangerous consequences.
As recently as ten years ago, the public
school system provided children with a
basic moral grounding in such values as
honesty and fair play. The moral stan-
dards that were taught were based largely
on Christian moral standards. In today's
school system, however, the rise of PC has
led to the perception that imposing such
standards on innocent, llrpressionable
children is tantamount to brainwashing.
The fear of offending anyone who may
disagree with any of a teacher's beliefs has
led to the elimination of any kind of moral
teaching from the public school curricu-
lwn. The result of this is that many chil-
dren are growing up with no moral teach-
ing whatsoever. Is it not the duty of educa-
--
Martin was in no shape to write an editorial this issue.
tors to teach children right from
wrong, not just in a factual sense, but
in a moral sense?
l
Of course, the
objection to
a S
teaching . right
and wrong 15 that,
in today's society,
no absolute right or wrong is seen to
exist. The relativisitic point of view
professes that right is defined by soci-
etal standards, and that morality can
be defined meaningfully only by an
irdividual to coirdde with his or her rom-
fort zone. I would argue, however, that
absolute right does exist, and that we have
a duty to ensure that children are taught to
recognize it. It is not necessary 10 force reli-
gious doctrine upon students. Surely it is
possible to teach a generic set of values
appropriate to our multicultural society,
that includes such concepts as considera-
tion for others.
Even more important than teaching chil-
dren morals is teaching them a method for
developing their own set of beliefs and val-
ues. I am convinced that most of our gen-
eration, and indeed most of society, has
never consciously defined what exactly
they believe in, and proceeds through life
in an ignorant haze, making decisions
based on whatever feels right at the time.
Our society would not be in this state of
confusion if every person had taken the
time to work out and decide upon what
she believed was right and to develop her
definition of acceptable behaviour.
But simply having a set of beliefs is not
sufficient - we must also examine our
beliefs and be convinced of their validity.
Many people who cIaim to have a faith or
a set of beliefs have no rational basis for
their beliefs - they can give no reasons for
behaving the way they do, or for believing
the things they do. People believe things
for a great variety of feeble reasons, one of
the more prevalent being that someone in
authority told them that something was
true. Blind acceptance of doctrine is not
really a valid reason for belief. Another
common excuse for thought is that '1 am
comfortable with my beliefs." I could
believe that the sky is green and the grass
is pink because it makes me comfortable,
but there is little evidence to support this
theory. There is little point in having
beliefs and values if they have no basis in
reason 'This is not to say that we must be
able to prove everything that we believe,
but at least have some good evidence for it.
When going through the process of
developing a value system, it can be useful
to consider the questions, "What is the
problemr' and "What is the answerr' If
you can come up with an answer to the
first question. and decide what the essence
of the problem with our world really is,
you need only find the very beginnings of
the answer to the second question If you
have decided upon a way that you your-
self can make a positive impact on the
world. you have come a long way in
developing your beliefs. It can also be
immensely helpful to discuss these ques-
tions with others, possibly to learn from
their philosophies, or 10 challenge them to
this kind of growth as welL
Of course, the final step in any process of
this kind, as any engineering student will
tell you, is to evaluate the answers that you
have come up with. It is necessary to
examine your new-found values and
detennine their truth. Check whether they
are internally consistent, and externally rel-
evant Can you explain them to someone?
Can you put them into practice in your
life? Articulating your beliefs will go a
long way in helping you to figure them
out yourself.
Your investigation will not be an
overnight process - it will involve a great
deal of questioning and learning along the
way. The benefits to you are enormous:
you cannot help but grow. 'The benefits to
society are significant as well, for every
person who thinks about her life and her
behaviour is one less person acting on
impulse and instinct alone, and one more
person who can indeed improve our
future.
..
The Co-op Experience
(or "50 why am I paying $350?")
Lisa Minotti
Engineering Placement Advisor
{j
et me start by explaining my
position on this. I am a third
ear OYil Engineering student
on my 6th work term. My marks
aren't particularly good but until
Summer 1992, I never had a problem
getting a job. The very first question I
asked when things started getting
tough was "So why am I paying $3SO
to Co-op? What are they doing for
me?"
If you are in Engineering and ever
had problems finding a job or with
your files, you may have met me
already. I'm known as the Placement
Advisor for Engineering; my office is
1075 in ''Needless Hen" (ext2271). I
spend my time helping students with
resumes, questions, problems and I
place students with employers. This
job puts me in the unique position of
being on the other side of the fence.
How Your Co-op Fee is
Set and Spent
There was an article published by
Co-op Education and Career Services
in August 1993 which is available to
you at the co-op Education office. This
is if you really care to know all the sor-
did details. In summary, your $350
pays for:
- the salaries of the CC>-<?P Educa-
tion t f f and benefits (the bulk of
your fee goes here.)
- travel expenses of co-ordinators,
- supplies, expenses, furnishings,
equipment and space occupancy,
ard
- computing expenses.
It basically comes down to this:
your tuition is subsidized by the
provincial government (you only pay
24% of the actual cost) but your co-op
fee is not covered at all by subsidiza-
tion. Actually, including academic
delivery costs (costs of offering dual
streams) and the estimated cost of
being open year-round, the $350 is
now only covering between 20 and
25%. Your $350 is only an average
amount spread out over everyone
even though there are some people
who find their own jobs and may
never use it (think of it as insurance -
it's there in case you need it) No one
is guaranteeing you'll pass school and
no one is guaranteeing you a job. It
depends on what you put into it.
However, this doesn't really tell you
the whole story.
Co-ordinators are very busy people.
(Surprised?) Students see Co-ordina-
tors only at back-to-campus inter-
views, job acceptance interviews and
at work term job visits. So what is it
they do that makes them so busy?
CO-ORDINATORS ARE LOOK-
ING FOR JOBS!
It used to be easier, I'm sure, when
all the mega-oorporations hired most
of our students every tenn IBM used
to hire over 275 students each term,
and Ontario Hydro hired more than
340 students each year. But looking at
the current stats, IBM only hires about
40 students a term now and Ontario
Hydro doesn't hire at all. Employers
Bus Push
Push that Bus!!! Every year, the
Engineering Society organizes a Bus
Push to raise money for the Kitchener-
Waterloo and Area Big Sisters. This
year, it will be held on March 19, 1994.
The Bus Push is always a lot of fun, so
come out and pull (or is it push?) that
bus! All you need to do is to get a
pledge form from the Orifice and col-
lect pledges. OK, I know all of you
have lots of work to do and all, but
there are many reasons why you
shouldn't miss the Bus Push:
1. it's for a good cause
2 there will be lots of prizes as well
as free food. before and after the
Bus Push
3. you get 5 P"*5 / dollar collected
4. to take Jason Van Dyk's challenge
which is for any class to raise
more money than he has ...
5. you want to see what will hap-
pen to Jason on Bus Push day if
he loses his challenge ...
6. it's your chance to contribute to
the community while having fun
at the same time
7. you might appear on'Iv. ..
8. it's good exercise (we pull the bus
from the University to the down-
town Kitchener bus tenninal, that
should take approximately 45
minutes).
So now that you know all about the
Bus Push., the pledge forms are wait-
ing for you in the Orifice, just ask
Betty for one. Also, watch out for the
Bus Push t-shirts, they will be on sale
soon ard they look really nice. Seeya
all on March 19th!
are not flocking to our doors, in fact
due to the evolution of business to the
small and micro-companies, many
employers have never even heard of
us! And it costs money to "bring in"
new Co-op employers, due to
increased phone bills and travel costs.
Any leads that you get would really
help us. (Talk to your co-ordinator.)
This brings me to another point
which may seem a little brusque: You
are not God's gift to the economy! It's
really tough out there!
Some students came to co-ordina-
tors wanting to sign off all of their jobs
in order to check out second rounds.
If you didn't want the job, why did
you apply? If nothing else, you proba-
bly took the interview away from
some other student who would have
appreciated it. Why waste the
employer's time? They get just as
annoyed at not getting their first
choice (or any student) as we do at not
getting our first choice (or any job).
They may not come back to UW for
Co-op students in the future if they
perceive that students aren't genuine-
ly interested in the jobs they have to
offer.
On the other end of the scale, there
were students who ranked jobs that
didn't rank them or that were can-
celled. You CANNOT get a job that
way; you are automatically ineligible
when not ranked or jobs are cancelled.
The best source of information
about Co-op is your Co-operative Stu-
dent Reference manual. It will give
you almost any information you
could need: who everyone in Needles
Hall is, how to write a resume, inter-
view skills, and what services are
available to you. It will help you get
the most out of your co-operative
experience. If you never received one,
they are available in the Co-op office.
Memos on Continuous Placement
and Interviews are handed out at
Information Sessions and there are
Counsellors in Career Services who
can help you too. There are work-
shops on almost any career-related
subject and a Career Resource Centre.
It's all in the Manual. Things don't
just happen; you have to make it
work!
For those of you entering Continu-
ous Placement, a bit of advice: 1)
llin't feel you are second best because
you are in "second rounds." It may
just be the luck of the draw or maybe
you should look again at your resume
or interview skills. 2) When you fill
out your skills sheet, please be accu-
tate! If it's not on your reswne or tran-
script then don't put it on you skills
sheet. 3) Make sure we have all the
up-to-date info on you, like your
phone number and address, and the
same on all your resumes.. It's amaz-
ing the nurnber of students who lose
out on jobs because we didn't have a
correct phone number or resumes to
send on their behalf.
Just remember (and this is for
everyone), the people in Needles Hall
are human and sometimes mistakes
are made. They work with your best
interests in mind, but a little bit of
politeness goes a long way.
JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!
SUMMER '94
LOOKING FOR A JOB
THIS SUMMER?
WELL SOME BIG MONEY IS BEING DIRECTED INTO
PUBLIC WORKS PROJECTS THROUGH MUNICPAL AND
REGIONAL GOVERNMENTS.
SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?
THIS MEANS LOTS OF JOBS IN ALL SORTS OF FIELDS.
SO, GET MOM OR DAD OR A FRIEND FROM HOME TO
STOP INTO YOUR LOCAL MUNICIPAL OR REGIONAL
GOVERNMENT OFFICE TO PICK UP AN APPLICATION
FOR YOU AND SEND IT BACK IN WITH A RESUME.
PRONTO!
NOTE;
Many Regional and Municipal Governments go through
MANPOWER (local Manpower Canada office - Federal or
possible Municipal Government; see Blue Pages of Local
phonebook). Many Government offices will only hire local
people and it may be appropriate for your friends or family to
ask if you should be applying through MANPOWER instead .
}\:.
tre time of this writing
there are only about
ight and a half hours
left of February, which J
find distressing because
when I start thinking
that it's March, I start
thinking that this
term is almost
distressin
because m
workshop
group has about
two weeks to make a
car drive by itself,
finals are almost
here, and my tenn on
the exec is almost
done. But I can prob-
ably save the sappy
'Tm sony to be leav-
ing" speech for the
last issue (oops!).
Ancillary fees are a somewhat hot
topic right now. ActuaIIy, since it
involves money (possibly $100 per
term per student in EXTRA fees), I'm
surprised it's not a lot hotter. WPIRG
has been trying hard to rally some
reaction from the students, and hence
the petitions that went around to all
the classes. You can hand them into
tre Orifice or directly to WPIRG when
you're done with them. The FEDS are
circulating a survey that everyone
should complete so that, if we do end
up with the extra fees, the money will
be spent on something we all think is
worthwhile. In any case, if you have
questions you can talk to the execu-
tive, your class reps, WPIRG, or the
PEDS.
Earlier this term I wrote an article
expressing
m y
opin-
ions about the WEEF. 1bis article
received some criticism in an arti-
cle published in the Math-
News (hey Math-
News people, I read
what you write too!). I
admit that this article
makes a very good
point - the WEEF is
a VOLUNTARY
oontribution and
students should
not be pressured
into paying it. In
fact, students who
reclairn their contri-
bution get no has-
sles from the Engineering
Society. However, I think
it is important that engi-
neering students realize
that the WEEF has been a
tremendous benefit to the
improvement of our famIty. All engi-
neers benefit from the WEEF, and I
believe that all engineers should share
the burden.
Well, at least share the burden so far
as they are able. I accept that some
students badly need every dollar to
survive their school term, and I fully
agree with those students in their
decision to reclairn their money. But
the majority of students reclaiming
their contribution are not going to
miss $75. If these students choose not
to support the WEEF, that is certainly
their right But the truth remains that
students who reclaim their $75 are
benefiting from the charity of others.
The WEEF is allowing engineering
students to make the facilities at
Waterloo first rate. Even better, the
students get to decide what areas
need improvement. When the stu-
dents decide that no more improve-
ment is needed, they can have the vol-
untary contribution reduced or
removed. One way to do that is to
take back their $75. I can accept a per-
son's decision to "vote with their
dollar". However, people should
be honest with themselves; do
they want their money back
based on principle, need,
orgreed.?
Ron
Directorship
Applications
Now Available in the Orifice
Get Yours Today!
Return completed forms to the
Orifice no later than
March 21 3:00pm
H
Ila
every-
net I hope your midterms
went better than mine. What hap-
pened to those days way wck in high-
school when a ninety was easy to get,
when no work needed to be done,
when ... but, I digress.
Even though it was midterm sea-
son, there's been a lot going on with
the engineering sodety. The midterm
Pub was a good time with our two
Hoser Hosts, John and Will; the ski
trip went extremely welJ with only
one injury a know exactly how you
feel, Tatl); Trevor and Skinner had a
very successful two day Highschool
Shadow program; and last week's
Grad Extravaganza was draining
even for those of us that aren't gradu-
ating! So as you can see, things don't
ever seem to let up here in the world
of Student Activities.
Anyways, I would like to thank all
of our many Directors who have been
putting in countless hours to make
sure everyone out there can keep
themselves busy (as if school weren't
enoughl). I would also like to thank
everyone who came out to Joint
Council at Angie's Kitchen in St.
Agatha. The only thing that I really
have a problem with is all those loud
and obnoxious fourth years whose
Iron Rings won't stop accidentally hit-
ting everything in sight and within
earshot. We know you've got them
- and YES, we're jealous! But
remember, we know what you
looked like at the IRS, and believe you
me, it was not a pretty sight. Then
again, beauty is in the eye of the
beholder. In any case, congratulations
to all of the fourth years (or fifth or
sixth years) who have made it to the
end of that long and nasty road. I
can't wait 'til I'm there!
Speaking of long nasty roads, that's
what this spew sotmds like. I know
I'm not very coherent these days, and
I sound like I'm rambling, but that's
what sixteen months of having an
Exec pOOtion will do to you. So to all
of you stup .. er.idio .. er..lucky people
who are running in the upcoming
elections, good luck - you're gonna
needit!ll!
A rouple of annouocements before
I put myself out of my misery : Come
to TaIEng this Saturday, March 12th at
the Bombshelter. We have a star-
studded, action packed,
melodiously sound
show for you. Come
down and we'll prove to everyone
that Engineers are one's who really
know the meaning ofT alent!
This is a very serious announce-
ment. Jason van Dyk must be
stopped!!!!! He has taken it upon
himself to challenge every class, every
person in engineering to beat his 001-
ledion of donations for the annual Bus
Push for KW Big Sisters. He has
already raised over $lCXXJ by himself
and his new goal is to reach the $2(0)
mark I cannot belive that there is not
even one class that cannot take on this
challenge. Help us defeat Jason.
Come out and sign out a pledge form
and collect money for this worthy
cause. There will be food and prizes
galore all day. You get 5 P""5 points
per dollar you raise as well as one raf-
fle ticket per $15 you raise for the
many prizes. This annual event is a
blast and is not to be missed, especial-
ly by all of you 1st years. So, don't
waste time! Get involved in this
year's Bus Push on Saturday, March
19th.
And, last, but certainly not least,
Orientation update!!!!!!!!
If you're interested in being
involved with Frosh Week this fall
and haven't already picked up an
application form, you can still pick
them up in the Orifice. They are due
back on March 11th with your $40
registration fee. Fill out your applica-
tion with your various choices and we
will do our best to put you into the
places you chose. If you are hoping to
be on EOCOM, we will be holding
interviews for those 25 positions. You
will get a call this weekend to let you
know about when those interviews
will be held. In any case, get your
application filled out and returned to
the Orifice A.SA.P. This Frash Week
is going to be a blast and we need all
the help we can get If you have any
questions or concerns, want to tell me
about things you liked, and things
you disliked about previous Frosh
Weeks, come and see me anytime.
Well, that's all for this week folks.
Until next time,
Piyush
VPInt
Hi
lines. The program is
to offer elementary
students, with their parents,
first introduction to what sci-
technology and engineering is
t. Explorations is being run 6n
12 (Saturday) and we need lots
volunteers to come out and get
IIn'J",n"...., Sign up sheets have been
out to class reps, as well as
day March 8, DC 1351, 11:30-12:30
and free coffee and donuts will
served. Lets show the president
interest and hear what he has to
Come on out!
Till next iss.
Mark Waschkowski
M Ideal Executive Position
Marlo Sellabarba
STRESSED CRO
Position:
VP Guy Sleeping On Blue Couch In
Orifice.
Qualifications:
WE
e I have not had much
experience in this position, I
feel that in the short time
that I have been doing it, I have
learned. the finer points of the Blue
Couch and will faithfully execute my
position with pride.
I would also like to thank Autumn
Umanelz, whose term of office as VP
Guy Passed Out In the Chair, inspired
me to seek the lofty position for which
I am running.
If you haven't already guessed, I'm
actually the Chief Returning Officer
for the elections coming up. You folks
out there made my job quite a bit sim-
pler by not running for anything, but
the positions have, at least, been filled
by what I consider to be five excellent-
ly qualified members of EngSoc.
Your new executive for the next two
terms will be John Campbell, Darrel
ODonnell, Graeme Skinner and Will
Teron for the positions of President,
VP External, VP Internal and VP
Finance. The position of WEEF Direc-
tor is (unofficially) filled, although the
person filling it has not been con-
firmed, at least not at the time that this
was being written
I am somewhat disappointed in the
lack of interest which people have
demonstrated towards assuming Eng-
Soc Executive positions. EngSoc is not
a some lofty, prestigious group of stu-
dents doing things that are both out of
reach and out of touch. EngSoc is rom-
posed. of students, just like you and
me, who want more out of university
than just an education These are peer
pIe who are trying hard to remind us
that, even though we are stuck
for almost five years, there is
side of the classroom,
here to make sure that
executive positions, because they form
the infrastructure of EngSoc, and the
executive could not manage without
them.
Well, that's enough of my babbling
(besides, you're sure to hear more in
my next article about the end of the
world), I guess I'll be on my way.
Hopefully, I'll be seeing most of you
on my "Exec Tour '94", when I'll be
parading all the nominees from cJass
to class to allow them to introduce
themselves to you.
Don't forget, the new exec will be
accepting directorship applications
starting this week, so all interested par-
ties should pick up an application
form in the Orifice this week.
Everything is still fine!

who submitted a
request for a Fee refund,
lease see Betty Beaver in the
Engineering Society Office. She ",rill
dispense your refund, providing you
were one of those who requested it
back in the first three weeks of term,
and you have your student ro. This is
different from the VSC (ie. the $75.00
donation which goes to fund lab
It should be noted, that these indi-
viduals are also not allowed to vote in
the upcoming Engineering Society
Elections.
In other respects, we're on budget
to date, we've lots of new Novelties in
the office and the tenn is almost over.
Have a good w k.
SteveK-J.
equipment and overall acade- """,,,-:"---...--,.
mic improvement) which is
mailed to those who request it
returned. 'There were 34 Eng-
soc refund requests this term,
only 1 less than winter 1992 a
guess they graduated).
Darrell O'Donnell
VP External Elect (Acclaimed)
Civil
name is DarreU O'Don-
nell (call me 'BULL') and J
planned for the
nths if I get
rlfllt.:UdUllt:u? Well, I plan to
of the tasks rormalJyassigned
VP-X and delegate them to
11Ir"'11c::n.::.rti ng people and then sit
and laugh loudly at the poor
doing the jobs. Actually, I
to represent the University of
Engineering Society 'A' at
conferences and trust me,
voice will be heard through me
am mildly loud.) Speaking of my
characteristics, I am also obnox-
mildly psychotic, sarcastic as
and sometimes I smell odd (1
use a wee spritz of the
expensive cologne 'Eau de Ha
oveur').
You are probably wondering
my campaign is, and I don't
you, I'm kind of wondering the
thing. Let me explain. No, tha
would take too long, let me swn up.
The involvement of students'
ENGSOC ht'lS dwindled in the past
few year.>. I would lik to inert ,IS('
invo!vcml'nt by l'll ur,'ging you
dents to come out (cspc ially 1I l
oUl th rt', sin 'you'll be pas..'lt'<i
ENGSCX::: torch when our tim'
and p<lS.<;Cd).
The engineering schools
Quclx>c and th:! r maind<..'I'
Canada used to have a sirong
between them, and planned a lot
inler-society vents. I hope to incrca
the present level of contact hi>1"",.,(\nl
the University of Waterloo
ing Society and olher cnginceri
bodies all over. I will contact
societies with invitations to scun
and other events like Oktoberfest.
I plan on setting up an ad hoc
miltee to find out if the headlights
work on a car travelling at light
I feel this issue is of major U'Y'lTV'lrt"",",ol
and could prove conclusively that
universe doesn't really exist and
are all a part of someore's bad
brought on by a case of indigestion.
The bottom line is that when
elect me, you get hard facts not
shit
If you want any more information
please stop me in the hall and say
"You're the schmeghead that does
the VP-X job right?" I'm always
willing to talk (I bet there are a lot
of people who will back me up
that), so come on up and fire
with your questions.
That's all for now, you'll hear
me soon
BULL

Inane
Will Teran
VP Finance Elect (Acclaimed)
3A Civil
W
ell, here's the scenario; it's
Tuesday night, Simpson's
six-pack is over and one
Spew to go!! From reading some old
spews, I'm just about on schedule. To
be honest (that's a good thing in love
and politics), I'm not really sure what
I'm supposed to spew about but here
goes nothing.
Who I am is probably a good place
to start. Well, I'm Will Teron and I'm
your candidate for VP Finance. My
usual hiding places are the depths of
XSClV (boring) (3A Ovil) classes and
P.O.E.T.S. The latter is where I'm
more likely to be since I've been one of
the two P.o.E.T.s. Managers this past
term and essentially live there. (John
Campbell is the other noble soul who
gratefully gives his time to "'''1'',,,'''.0
the sacred amber rectar to all the
patrons of Eng. Soc's world
pub). Since transferring to
in 2A from Memorial, I've made it my
business to be involved with both
Eng. Soc. and our class. In fact, most
people think that I usually stick my
nose too far into most activities (Right
Diana ?). She's right, but I can
promise you tha t as VPF, I will be
equally involved and active in all deci-
sions that are made, looking out for
the interests of Eng. Soc. and the Engi-
neering Students of Waterloo.
1re position of VPF has two prima-
ry functions as far as I can tell. FIrstly
to administer the funds of Eng. Soc.
and secondly to propose new ideas to
further the financial posjtion of Eng.
Soc. With respect to the fonner, I have
the experience required to administer
a budget of Eng. Soc. magnitude and
an ability to apparently stretch every
dollar as far as is possible. Quite sim-
ply, I want Eng. Soc. to get the most it
can from the resources at hand.
With respect to the latter, I have a
few plans (some new and some that
have been discussed for some time
but that have not come to maturity
yet) which include: the formation of a
capital fund (similarities to WEEF)
established from existing surpluses
from Eng. Soc. budgets in order for
Eng. Soc. to a:mtinue to upgrade and
replace its capital investments; the
computerization of all the finances of
Eng. Soc. (SK] is currently working on
this project, Thanks); and my support
for the current proposals with regard
VQH.lQU'U> of the management
C&D. These views pre-
exhaustive nor would
the desire to have
ing and it is
new executive to
On a disappointing
anybody with
that Eng.
(at the time I wrote this) that
not all the Executive Positions of
Soc. will be acclaimed, incIucling VPF.
This is unbelievable, we live in a soci-
ety where expressing your ideas and
representing yourself and your peers
is i.ncreaslngly important yet very few
are running for positions. I really
hope that this is not a
trerrl that will contin-
ue and that trere will
be a great interest for
all the directorships
and that next year the
executive positions
will be hotly contest-
w ed. Election or no
election, I rope that I
have your support.
Please come and talk
to me, I'm usually in
P.O.E.T.S. or in the
orifice.
Will (Instigator)
VP Internal
Graeme Skinner
VP Internal Elect (Acclaimed)
2A Civil
H
' how are you? I'm Skinner
and I am running for the
osition of Vice-President
Internal. This position is
involves working in the Engineer-
ing Society to bring the engineers
events that everyone can enjoy, and
participate in, to help brake the
monotony of classes. I have been a
class rep. since lA and have been
active in Engineering Society events.
Recently I was the director of the
Engineering Shadow Program for this
term with the other Shadow director
Trevor Bain For those of you wro do
not know what the Shadow Program
is, it is a program where high scOOol
students are given the opportunity not
spend the day with a Waterloo Engi-
neer. 'lle-e was a fantastic number of
engineers who volunteered to help
out and I would like to thank again all
of those people who did sign and
those who got to shadow a student
If I were elected to the position of
VP-InternaI, I would like to take the
type of spirit that all those who signed
up for the Shadow Program showed
President
John Campbell
President Elect (Acclaimed)
3A Civil
W:
elL here goes nothin' .You'd
better stand back, I think
I'm gonna SPEW!
lHEMAN
,lam
er Will Teron
date Spew),
director of
Bnad (yes, that's n-.'",-.... -.
neering Stage Band (F92), as a
Frosh Week Big Brother (Blue 91,
Orange 92 (yay Orange!), and Gold 93
(well, sort of).
lHEPLAN
Hemmingway, why do I want to
President you ask? That's a good
question I have enjoyed my involve-
ment with EngSoc and feel that I am a
more well rounded person because of
it a have proof - the civ-gut). I think
that we as engineering students have
a lot of potential. For what? Well,
that's for you and I to decide. But
mostly, I want to be President because
I don't feel like looking for a place to
live for the next two terms. I a1ready
have arrangements to move my bed-
room into the Orifice.
and have it present at every single
engineering event To put more spirit
in to engineering at Waterloo, along
with our trusty TOOL! So that Water-
loo is not only known as the best engi-
neering school in Canada, or for that
matter the world, but also the school
with the most spirit! To show every
other university out there that not
only are we smarter than them, but
we party better too! I would like to
help bring back the traditional engi-
neering events plus new and better
events that make you want to get
involved in engineering. I'll listen to
you and try to bring to you the events
you want to see. Hope to see you
soon
lHEVAN
I drove a van once.
However, I don't
own a van, nor any
other automobile for
that matter. It just
rhymes, dammit!
I feel that there is a
general sense of apa-
thy here at the Uni-
versity of Waterloo.
A lot of people com-
plain that co-op sucks
and that their educa-
tion isn't living up to
its reputation as the
best in the country. I
know a number of
people who feel that
Engineering Society
is very cliquey (is that
a word?), and that EngSoc is only for
the 'orifice people'. Well, I have this to
say: it's not. EngSoc is for you ( I feel
like Uncle Sam) and you get out of it
what you put into it (like everything
else). I am your vehicle (V AN) to
furrin-the-sun.
1HETAN
I don't have a tan, because I don't
have a van, and I couldn't afford a
week off last week. I had to return
indoors because my UV exposure
was at its limit (remember those few
nice days the other week?).
In September, 1995, this election
process will happen all over again So
if you are in 1B or 2A right now, start
thinking about running for an execu-
tive position NOW! Come talk to me,
Darrell, Skinner, Will, and SKJ? I
think I can speak for all of us tha t
wed be happy to talk to you.
To EVERYBODY: Directorship
applications are happening soon, so
apply if there's something that inter-
ests you. And if there isn't, applyany-
way, and come talk to me, I'm sure
you have some good ideas.
1HECAN
Well, I gotta go. I've got assign-
ments and projects coming out my
ass, a war to start, my bride to mur-
der, and Gilder to frame for it. I'm
swamped!
John (Horshack)
XSciv
The Engineering Society C&D: The Vision
Stephen KlngsJey..Jones
3A Electrical
1:
Engineering Coffee aOO Douglmut srop has been one of the primaty
services offered by the Engineering Society sioce its inception In all that
time there has never been a tOOrough. organized approach to the long
term position of the C&D and its operatiOffi. This is rot a criticism of previous
executives, but due to our roffitant turnover with worktenns ani elections, pe0-
ple have rarely planned beyooo the end of the 4 month term Usually the man-
agers ani executive are too busy putting out fires ani dealing with day to day
Operatioffi to step back and look at the big picture.
The time has rome for a plan Not a new pian. for that would imply we had
one previously, no, we are simply going to look at our overall OperatiOffi am
determine what is the best strategy for now ani the next two years. It is intend-
ed from the very beginning that all our current recommendatioffi be reviewed
thoroughly and in detail two years from now by different people with a differ-
ent understanding and a better perspective for what is going on in that future
day.
Why should we change from our current
situation? What's wrong with the status quo?
Mootly due to a misunderstanding of duties, perhaps due to the lack of a
specific iOOividual trainer, or just plain thoughtlessness of previous direc:
tors, bills are forgotten. loot, and eventually not paid.
e.g. Coke will no longer supply us because we were unable or unwilling to
pay one of their outstanding bills. We are now required to go with a
saler who, of rourse, charges higher than Coke.
The administration of the C&D's finances changes every term with a new
set of directors. The expectatiOffi of these directors changes every time a
new executive romes along.
e.g. CST & PST are often left pnpaid, or delayed to the point where penalty
charges are more than significant - this is dangerous in today's tax hungl)'
world.
The administration of personnel changes every four months with the new
directors & executive. It is not air to employees to ronstantly have their
positions modified and altered with the changing of the seasons.
e.g. over the past three terms the job description of the current cashiers has
been formalized, but unfortunately these duties have not been ronsistently
required and hence ronflict arises between manager's and cashier's expec-
tations.
There are inronsistencies in accounting throughout the year long period.
This leads to significant problems when dealing with the government
which works on a 12 month cycle.
It is difficult for a business to fulfil its maroate properly when the manage-
ment doesn't have professional business training.
e.g. there is little time to investigate new suppliers and the lack of rontinu-
ity between tenns means that we can't learn from our mistakes.
Our current structure does not allow much latitude for growth, change in
hours of operation, or duties of personnel (due to the University's rontrol
over the employees). . .
e.g. to operate more than 8:00 am to 3:30 pm is absolutely impossible with
our current set-up.
No effective inventory rontrol system is in place.
Due to the short time line for managers and executive, getting things
changed can be next to imposstble.
1re current review of university Food Services threateffi all the C&D's on
campus. We must be very careful about maintaining high standards, unf0r-
tunately there is no mE.'ChanSn to monitor the of our C&D from
either a Health or a Financial perspective.
e.g. four visits by the Health Inspector in one month (Fall 1992); most
restaurants are inspected once every 2 to 3 years or more.
The list of problems rould go on, but suffice it to say, having worked with the
system for over two years, its srorloomings are innumerable.
What is suggested?
That Math Society is much larger than we are and has grown that way due to
proficient management and accepting the fact that change is necessary. We
should use them as a guide and model. Specifically:
We srould have a full time manager wOOse dutieS would -be:
- hiring ani trainir student staff.
- ordering all food and dealing with all suppliers.
- actively seeking metlnis of operational improvement within our man-
date.
- perform all bookkeeping ani aocounting work with respect to the C&D.
- provide long tenn planning and support to the Engineering Society Exec-
utive with respect to C&D operations between terms.
- provide rontinuity of operations.
The cashiers would be part time students hired from within Engineering, or
other faculties on Campus as desired or necessary.
A C&D rommittee would be struck in order to review operations, respond
to romplaints with respect to services or products, and to provide creative
input to the operatioffi of the c&D.
A method of Tendering for food supply rontracts would be initiated on an
annual basis to improve quality and improve revenue.
Why should this be done?
10 ALWW US 10 fULFIL OUR MANDA1E OF SERVING STUDENlS
VIA FOOD AT WW PRICES, EMPWYMENT OPPORTI.JNTI1ES AND
A REUABLE
This would allow flexibility in scheduling, duties, and hours of operation
for cashiers.
Provide reliable and ronsistent bookkeeping that rould justify and support
future improvements am expenditures.
O\ange in persorme1 coot would be minimal and the rewards are WlCOWlt-
able.
The current staffing and administrative problems would be minimized.
Allow greater opportunities for creative & innovative ideas from the Society
to be ronsidered and implemented.
Since the University is currently reviewing all food activities on campus, a
defensive measure which \\{auld put us in a stroJl&er poJitical position is
that we would be a student employer. 'This is a significant fador in the
event that FObd Services might decide to shut us down
The C&D Operations rommittee rould dool with many of t.hc adminic;tra-
tive and personnel issues that are currently dealt with by the Executive.
This allows for an open and consultative fonnat.
Current Format
PRESIDENT--VP FINANCE
C&D MANAGERS
FULL TIME CASHIERS
proposed Format
PRESIDENT--VP FINANCE
C&D OPERATIONS COMMITTEE
MANAGER
PART TIME STUDENT CASHIERS
The Engineering Identity
Chris DeBrusk
4BSystems
~
engineering identity is a
rather slippery thing to define.
You can mentally approach it
from a particular angle and attempt to
grasp it, at which point it twists away
ani you end up seeing a part of it that
was not visible only moments before.
This newly exposed viewpoint causes
a change in the definition of engineer-
ing that you had assumed was cor-
rect. The definition of an engineer,
and hena:? of the engineering identity,
is a constantly changing entity. As a
result, solidifying a definition of engi-
neering is more difficult than it may
appear. Fifty years ago defining the
nature of engineering wasn't nearly as
difficult as it is today. The profession
has changed, and its characteristics
and goals are now vastly different
from what they used to be.
clearly the perception in society,
and largely within the profession
itself, of what an engineer is, and
what is encompassed by the word
engineering. Kipling was one of the
first people to formally examine
the engineering profession with
the desire to capture its "essence"
and determine the engineering
identity. His examination led him
changes in the engineering identi-
ty over the last 30 years have
resulted from this change in soci-
ety's attitudes.
The traditional connection
between engineering and the
trades becomes clear if one exam-
ines the engineering profession in
Europe prior to WWII. In Europe,
the source of some of the best
Engineers were tough, steady and
reliable ... to make sure everything
happened as it should.
to create The Iron Ring Ceremony.
In Kipling's time, engineers were
the middle class workers who ran
the steamship engines, levelled
the forest, made sure the roads
were straight, the water flowed
and the buildings did not col-
lapse. And of course let us not for-
get the symbolic bridge, strong
and true against the most cruel of
elements and abuse, much like the
engineers who created it.
engineering minds in North
America, an engineer was
required to apprentice to a trade,
typically a machinist, before
undertaking the advanced theo-
retical studies required of an engi-
neering degree. The concept of a
profession existed, but engineers
were not compared on the same
level as doctors or lawyers. The
acceptance within society of engi-
neering as an acadernic pursuit is
a recent development both in
Europe and in North America.
But while the engineering profes-
sion in Europe, and in other areas
of the world, has achieved a social
stature equivalent to that held by
doctors and lawyers, to a large
degree here in North America this
has not been the case. The reasons
for this lie again in the definition
Today the engineer is more
likely to be working with comput-
ers than with wrenches and weld-
ing torches. Welding is done by
robots, and wrenches are being
wielded by technicians and
mechanics. The computer is the
single most influential technology
ever produced by engineers and
its effect has been to drastically
modify society, and the engineer-
ing profession along with it.
There are seven disciplines of
engineering taught here at the
University of Waterloo, and three
of them lead to jobs that are
extremely unlikely to involve
either piston engines, pipe
wrenches or similar mechanical
devices. Systems, Electrical and
Computer engineering are accept-
ed as applied science degrees, but
graduates from these programs
are more likely to be designing
compilers or modelling the socio-
economical structure of Indian
villages, than building bridges.
The more traditional engineering
identity and resulting definition
does not apply to people who
pursue these lines of work.
In fact, the traditional engi-
neering definition doesn't really
apply to Civil, Mechanical, Chem-
ical and Geological engineering
either. Even though the ties from
these disciplines to traditional
engineering are much stronger,
Regardless of its elusive
nature, "engineering" neverthe-
less requires definition. Unfortu-
nately, we cannot simply dismiss
it as undefinable and leave it at
that. A strong definition is the
starting point that is necessary to
develop a strong profession with
strong, appropriate traditions.
The recent changes tha t have
occurred in engineering traditions
have generally been initiated due
to outside pressures. The attempts
to change the sexist reputation
that engineering had, and to a
large degree still has, stern equal-
ly from initiatives within the stu-
dent engineering societies, and
the desire by the the professional
societies to avoid further bad
press. The confusion that exists
within Engineering over which
traditions are appropriate and
which should be dropped, has
resulted primarily because the
traditional definition of what it
means to be an engineer is obso-
lete. Only through a change to
this definition will the profession
gain the necessary insight to
attain a high standing within soci-
ety.
Historically, the engineering
profession was not academic in
nature, but was placed socially on
a level equivalent to many trades.
The plumber, machinist and elec-
trician were all members of the
part of society that tamed technol-
ogy and put it to work for the
powerful, the wealthy and the
academics. The engineers were
also members of this group, yet
there was a additional degree of
romanticism to the profession that
went beyond the skills needed to
practice it. The ship engineer who
could tell if his motors were oper-
ating to perfection simply by their
sound, or the mining engineer
who employed an impressive
degree of intuition when building
structures and train systems far
underground, each had a touch of
almost mystical ability surround-
ing him and the tasks he per-
formed.
An engineer without his gadgets was bare
and unfulfilled
Since a definition of engineer-
ing is what we are seeking, an
appropriate place to begin is the
infallible Oxford dictionary,
The image was one of man in
touch with his environment, not
in the 1990's environmental sense,
but rather in the 1900's "tamer of
nature" sense. Engineers were
tough, steady and reliable men
who had the knowledge and skill
Computer networks, and the information
that passes through them, are the first
example of intangible engineering.
always a useful source in the
search for enlightened truth. It
provides us with: "1. a person qual-
ified in a branch of engineering, espe-
ciallyas a profeSSional, 2. civil engi-
neer, 3. a person who makes or is in
charge of engines, 4. an engine-dri-
ver, 5. a person who designs
and constructs military works; a
soldier trained for this purpose, 6. a
skillful or artful contriver" Oxford
further defines engineering as:
"the application of science to the
design, building, and the use of
machines, constructions, etc."
These definitions illustrate
to make sure everything hap-
pened as it should. This image
was linked strongly to the fact
that the profession was 100%
male. It was not widely consid-
ered that women had the neces-
sary demeanour and "cool-head-
edness" to practice a profession
that required intellect and skill,
without allowing the influence of
excessive emotion. The acceptance
of women as equal contributors to
society brought with it the
entrance of women into tradition-
ally male profeSSions such as
engineering and law. Many of the
of an engineer, and the perception
of what composes the engineering
identity.
The third definition provided
by Oxford makes the historical
connection between engineering
and machines clear. Engineers
were judged, and to a great
degree still are judged, by the
quality, reliability and usefulness
of their machines. The engineer-
ing profession designed and
implemented visible technological
marvels such as the steam engine
and the telegraph. An engineer
without his gadgets was bare and
unfulfilled. This traditional con-
nection to machinery is also illus-
trated clearly by the choice of a
pipe wrench as the mascot of the
Waterloo Engineering Society. The
Tool is intended to be a symbol of
the mechanical strength and puri-
ty of the profession and its stu-
dents, even though it was initially
only an interesting Havenger
Scunt acquisition stolen from, and
later donated by, the Ridgid Tool
Company.
The important question now
is whether or not this definition is
valid for modern engineers work-
ing in today's society. The
changes that have occurred in the
engineering profession in the last
30 years have been so fundamen-
tal that the assumed engineering
identity can no longer be, well,
assumed.
the ever influential computer has
caused changes here as well. The
whole creation process, the "art"
in engineering, is now assisted
and in many cases structured by
the computer software devoted to
it. Computers have provided
these types of engineers with the
freedom to worry about such
things as aesthetics and "user
friendliness", ra ther than simply
ensuring that the building would
stand or the engine would run. A
part of their function as engineers
has been changed and possibly
improved.
An argument can be made
that a computer is simply a more
complex type of machine and
hence the definition of an engi-
neering as a "person who is in
charge of engines", which implies
the connection between engineer-
ing and machinery, is still valid.
Once again turning to Oxford, a
machine is: "1. an apparatus using
or applying mechanical power, 2. an
instrument that transmits force or
directs in its application, 3. the con-
trolling system of an organization"
Obviously a computer fits nei-
ther the first nor second defini-
tion, unless coupled to a more
traditional mechanical interface. It
does not fit with the third defini-
tion either, for the computer is the
organization itself, with a flexible
controlling system. Allowing for
the obvious simplicity of the
Oxford definition, a computer still
cannot be classified as a tradition-
al machine because its end cannot
be defined. There is no single
physical function of a computer.
It can only manipulate imaginary
concepts like information and
data to achieve equally imaginary
and elusive results . If you are
asked to show someone what a
computer has done, you can only
produce a physical representation
that has been flattened and mold-
ed for viewing. Ask another per-
son and they will likely give you
a completely different version of
the same information, equally cor-
rect but in no way similar.
Computer networks, and the
information that passes through
them, are the first example of
intangible engineering. No one
will question the right of comput-
er engineers to call themselves
engineers, even though their job is
the management and manipula-
tion of nothing more than data,
which is neither visible nor com-
pletely definable. These types of
engineers no longer fit into the
traditional mold cast by Kipling
and others who followed him.
Information engineers require a
professional defini tion that is as
intangible as the data that they
work with and is not possible to
construct if one relies only on the
traditional terminology and tradi-
tional engineering identity.
The obvious solution to this
problem of definition is to simply
define a computer as a tool, capa-
by the words tool nor machine.
Since these two concepts are inti-
mately connected to the defini-
tion, and therefore identity, of an
engineer, the compu ter is ou tside
the traditional realm of engineer-
ing. Yet , it is obvious that the
computer is becoming an integral
part of the engineering profession.
Therefore, the old definition
of an engineer no longer really
fits, yet a new one is not obvious
either. We are unable to classify
the modern engineer by the
machines he or she builds and
maintains. The physical substance
implicit in the definition has been
replaced by something closer to
philosophy than engineering.
How can one compartmentalize
the profession which is extremely
general and seems to encompass
nearly everything and everyone?
Given that this definition is no
longer solid and everlasting, but
rather malleable and changing,
the obvious question is now:
"Does this matter?" Who cares
what an engineer "is" and
whether it is clearly definable?
And of course the question of the
80's: "How does it affect me?"
The short and easy answer to
this question is, "It doesn't, real-
ly". Upon entering the profession,
each engineer will develop their
own definition of the profession
based on the tasks that they per-
form and the area of engineering
in which they work. Of much
more importance, however, is the
broader question: "How does it
Who cares what an engineer "is" and
whether it is clearly definable?
ble of assisting its user in whatev-
er way that user sees fit. This
seems to make everything fit nice-
ly and our traditional definition of
an engineer can used with slight
modification. Yet a "tool" is a
rather poor way of defining a spe-
cific object. Almost anything can
be classified as a tool. Even men-
tal concepts are in some sense
tools designed to assist their user.
The conclusion to this almost
philosophical discussion is that a
computer can be defined neither
affect the profession?" . This is a
question that cannot be simply
dismissed. The definition of an
engineer, and more generally what
is the engineering identity, is what
establishes us as a profession.
This definition ou tlines the
boundaries that, inside of which
one may say "I am an engineer",
and outside of which one cannot.
Without this concept, no mat-
ter how elusive and insubstantial
it may be, no profession can be
called a profession any longer.
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The profession of the doctor
resides in a clearly defined field,
namely health care. The legal pro-
fession is also clearly defined as
the realm of social structure
through adversarial law. The
realm of the engineer must be as
well defined as these other profes-
sions if it can claim to be a profes-
sion.
The c.urrent situation in the
engineering profession is such
that its traditions and very struc-
ture exist based on the "old" engi-
neering identity. Those engineers
whose work and responsil7ilities
faU outside this definition have a
difficult time identifying with the
profession. The result of this diffi-
culty is often a decision not to join
professional engineering societies
such as the PEO. Over the course
of 6 work terms in information
based engineering, I have worked
with many engineers who were
not members of any professional
organization. Many simply felt
that organizations such as the
PEO did not reflect their ideas nor
the type of work that they were
involved with. A glance through
any copy of Engineering Dimen-
sions will clearly show you that
the predominant areas of engi-
neering in which many members
of the PEO work in are in the
more traditional fields such as
civil or mechanical engineering.
As a consequence of this focus by
the PEO, many engineers avoid
membership, which results in
them not taking an active partici-
pation in issues such as image, or
the social position of the profes-
sion. These engineers are lost to
the profession, and with them
their skills and insight into the
"new" engineering identity.
The profession must now re-
establish its identity with the goal
of attracting these "new" types of
engineers. The number of eng i-
n rs graduating from non-lrildi -
tional typ s of program who go
to work in computer-based jobs is
growing, n l de r a ing. Without
a strong mov ment from within
the profession to aUract lh peo-
ple, the number of non-Po Eng.
engineers will eventually be
greater than those who seek their
P. Eng. status. If this occurs, the
image of the engin er as a profes-
sional, with all of the ethics and
morals that support this term, will
cease to exist in society, and then
we'll be just like everyone else
with a university degree.
Flower-Planting Bob
by Andrew Netherton - 2A Mech
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1
.
Ontario Engineering Competition 1994
Barb Smith
3B Systems Design
Craig Renouf
3B Mechanical
Where can you watch a marauding
robot chase half a dozen people? The
Ontario Engineering Competition.
On February 18 and 19, undergradu-
ate engineering students from across
Ontario came together to demonstrate
their engineering skills. The annual
competition is intended to challenge
the abilities of students, to showcase
their achievements and to provide an
opportunity for interaction with
One of the more exciting entries
was a multi-function autonomous
walking robot, developed collabora-
tively by David Woo of McMaster
University and Sunny Gupta of the
University of Toronto. This robot, an
entry in the corporate design category,
has been under development by Mr.
Woo and Mr. Gupta for over two
years for the Petawawa National
Forestry Institute. The robot is a full
scale seven legged prototype designed
to handle some of the most difficult
terrain in Canadian forest environ-
ments. This Prototype was developed
on a tiny budget using scavenged
Where can you watch a robot chase
half a dozen people?
working engineers.
The competition is divided into five
categories: Entrepreneurial Design,
Corporate Design, Editorial Commu-
nications, Explanatory Communica-
tions and Parliamentary Debate.
Prizes in these categories range from
$500 to $2(00. First and second place
winners are invited to attend the
Canadian Engineering Competition.
In addition the competition is an
excellent opportunity to meet practic-
ing engineers from academia, indus-
try and government.
Waterloo's entries this year includ-
ed Slawo Wesolkowski in Explanato-
ry communications speaking on
Handwritten Character Recognition,
and Slawo Wesolkowski and Robert
Wu in Editorial Communications
speaking on Communication of
today, or the lack of it. Congratula-
tions to Slawo and Robert woo placed
second for their effort in editorial oom-
munications. It was disappointing
that tte-e were not more entries from
Waterloo especially compared to the
number of entries from other sch:>ols,
such as U of l' s twenty entrants. Per-
haps the competition would attract
more participants if it were better prcr
moted two or three terms prior to
oompetition.
parts with a goal of revolutionizing
forestry anagement. The robot,
named JA OB, is based on the NASA
Mars rover beam walker. The legs
move only vertically, with horizontal
movement achieved by horizontal
motion of beams oonstructed of indus-
trial aluminum ladders. JACOB can
move at up to 2 meters per minute
under the autonomous oontrol of five
computers programmed in C using
the REXIS robot oontrol operating sys-
tem. The live demonstration of the
600 pound, 21 x 2.3 meter robot walk-
ing in the hall certainly seemed to
make some people nervous prompt-
ing questions about how the robot
would identify a human being in its
path. (The answer to this question
was essentially that it wouldn't at pre-
sent, alttough future work would ren-
der the robot safe for use)
Other projects included a design for
a space station as a closed ecological
system by Heron, Trina
Ivers, David Lin, and Matthew Smith
from the University of Toronto, a prcr
cedure for microwave devulcaniza-
tion of rubber from scrap tires by
David Lotocki, Kenneth Undhorst,
Simon Hollinghurst, Ivana Strgacic
from the University of Toronto, a
hybrid Gas/Electric conversion of a
Honda Gvic by TIago Estrela of Car-
leton University, and a solar array
design system by Edward Buiel and
Colin McWilliam of Queens Universi-
ty among many other exciting entries.
While at the competition we
bumped into Dean Burns. When
asked about his reaction he said that
he was disappOinted by the poor
turnout from Waterloo but felt it was
at least partly due to the discontinuity
of the Co-op system. He felt that a
link with the some of the major prcr
jects at Waterloo such as the Midnight
Sun, and the Formula SAE car could
increase participation by allowing
unique suh;ystems designed for these
projects to be presented.
Paul Koros, chairperson of the orga-
nizational oomrnittee for the OEC in
Guelph had this to say about the com-
petition, "In general, I am extremely
pleased with the Competition. It's
success, reflected in some very nice
compliments made at the awards
banquet by some people who have
been affiliated with the competition
since its inception, is due to the
tremendous effort put forth by the
people here in Guelph - over 100 engi-
neering students were involved, plus
tremendous support from the admin-
hardt from Queen's
Editorial Communications
First
David Orr, UWO, "The Social
Implications of Virtual Reality"
Second
Slawo Wesolkowski and Robert
Wu, UW, "Communication of
today, or lack of it"
Third
Nurez Mapara, U of T, "Engi-
neering our Environment"
Explanatory Communications
First
Murray Gamble and Adam
Rasheed, Carleton, "Helicopter
Autorotation"
Second
Brent UWO, "Silly
Rabbit, Thermodynamics are for
Kids"
Third
Melanie Smith, U of T, "Physical
Operation of Diodes - Electron
and Hole Concepts"
Entrepreneurial Design
First
... future work would render the
robot safe for use.
istration and the engineering society.
It was an honour for me to have been
the head of this organization"
1he winners from this year's oom-
petition are as follows:
Parliamentary Debate
First
Laura Hernstock and Tina Smith
from Queen's
Second
Alex Barnes and Nurez Mapara
. from U ofT
Third
Craig Davison and Matt Schoen-
Photo by Cmig Rl'IIOIif
Rob James, U of G, "Computer
Tools for Stormwater Manage-
ment Modelling"
(also won Canadian Industrial
Innovation Centre award)
Second
Allan Zander and Douglas
MacKay, U of T, "Chipper-Shred-
der Design"
(also won Canadian Industrial
Innovation Centre award)
Third
Andrew May, U of T, "Economi-
cal Lifting Chair"
(also won Social Awareness
Award)
Corporate Design
First
Michael Serbinis, Queen's, "The
Development of a RTNOP -
Solver Using Applied Artificial
life"
Second
Andrew Smith, U of T, "Semi-
automated lift Assist Device"
Third r
David Woo, Mac, and Sunny
Gupta, U of T, "A Multi-furdion
Autonomous Walking Robot"
(also won Technical Excellence
Award)
If you are involved in a design
which may be eligible, through a
work term, personal interest or fourth
year project, or if you would like to
participate in the speaking categories
and debates, further information on
next year's competition is available
from the Len's Office.
Gordon Bu"ell
Mexioois :
- where taros rome from
- far away so why should 1 care
- south of here
Mexioo has :
- a freely elected goverrunent serv-
ing the wishes of the people
- fraudulent elections with the
same party in power for over 60
years
- nice beaches
The Mexican military :
- has shown their skills at slaugh-
tering unanned students in 1968
- is a well trained. disciplined force
- knows when it is a good idea to
curtail press freedoms
If the answers to the above ques-
tions do not interest you, then please
read no further.
E
ly this year southern Me>dco
was the scene of an armed
urrection by the EZLN guer-
Mexico Is ...
The bodies of rebels that were executed by the anny after being tied up
rillas. The EZI.N is composed mainly one that we knew of and the stores tured. rebels, killing innocent civilians
of Mayan Indians who were protest- and banks were left untouched. They and bombing areas of town thought
ing variety of issues ranging from took no hostages and left the area be sympathetic to the rebels. When
acute poverty, to electoral fraud, to before the army moved in order to the press and human rights organiza-
NAFT A, to torture in prisons to the avoid a military confrontation. From tions found out about these abuses,
racism that divides Mexico.As a what I saw and hEmd, it is the military they were banned from the area.
tourist who to be in San that appears to be the violent group in From what we could tell, the bombing
Cristobal de las Casas when it was this engagement (by the Mexican Air Force) of the
seized by the rebels on January 1st, I While there are very few accusa- poorer suburbs surrounding San
had the oppOrtunity to observe the tions of human rights abuses made Cristobal the day after we left was
guerrillas first hand. While they coo- towards the rebels, the army has been pure retribution against dyWans who
trolled the town for over 24 hours accused by numerous organizations were thought to be Sympathi!tic to the
they did not harass or threaten any of torturing and executing cap- rebels. On two occasions press vehi-
r------------------------_ des were attacked by military ajr-
We need your help! craft, clearly demonstrating that a
bomb cannot differentiate between
Faculty of Engineering Alumni Medal civilians, rebels and the press.
The rebels are not wanting to fight
E
high time that we recognized
the accomplishments of UW engi-
. alumni and their oontribu-
tions to society.
Some of our alumni have distin-
guished themselves in the following
ways:
outstanding professional
accomplishment
distinguished community service
academic excellence
The Faculty of Engineering would
like to recognize such graduates by
the presentation of a newly created
Silver Medal.
This is where we need. your help.
Please help us identify individuals
whose achievements may warrant
such an award. If you know of a Uni-
versity of Waterloo fJ1gireering grad-
uate wR:) in your opinion has made a
significant contribution to society
through his/J;ter ,career, communjty
serviCe or other activ.ity worthy of not
and recognition, please let us know.
A Nominating Committee has been
forrried to receive your recommenda-
tions. Please contact any of the Com-
mittee by phone or fax, or ,
send your nominations in writing to: .
Jeff Weller, Office of the Dean of Erigi-.
neering, University of Waterloo,
N2L3Gl no later April
15th, 1994. " -. .
' r .. ; ... . :,.
Remember: the worth of an
mic institution is best measured by the
quality and achievements of its gradu-
ates.
- Carl HecJc(EE '63), Chair
Nomil1Qtions Committee
Nominating Committee
Carl Heck, Otair
(Elect. Eng. BASc. '63)
B: (519)576-2150;
FAX (519) 576-5499
Ann McMillan
(Mech. Eng. PhD 76)
B: (416) 739-4867;

LanyMorse
(Olem. Eng. BASc. 72. & MA.Sc 77)
B: (519) 339-3765;
FAX (519) 339-3090
9nhame Farquhar
(Civil Eng. BASe. '64 & MASc. '66)
B: (519) 885-1211, Ext. 3989;
FAX (519)88&6197
JeffWe1ler
Executive Assistant to
the Dean of Engineering
B: (519)885-01211, Ext. 2400;
FAX $i9) 74&-1457
a military campaign. They are very
often young (as young as 13 or 14)
and oitro. must fight with old hunt-
ing rifles or even wood carved to
look like a gun. During the night of
January 2nd, 24 hours after they had
seized the city, the rebels left. When
convoys of civilians began leaving
the city at about 8 o'dock that mom-
ing, no rebels were to be seen any-
where in San Cristobal.
The first military presence at this
time was a roadblock SOkm outside
of the city with about 20 soldiers. The
military initially claimed that they
had "retaken" San Cristobal when in
actual fact the rebels had left Regular
inter-city bus service to San Cristobal
had resumed before the first anny sol-
diers set foot inside the town.
As engineers, we will increasingly
be involved in international ventures
and with companies that have sales
across the world . Can we justify
working for companies that sell
equipment to the Mexican military
with their human rights .record? These
questions will become increasingly
important with the introduction of
NAFTA. Mexico cannot prcrend to be '
a democracy as the last election was
declared fraudulent by nearly all out-
side observers. As such, Canada has
signed a trade agreement with a b'Ov-
emm:!l1t that does not represent its cit-
izens.
All these factors must be weightrl
as Canadian firms venture south. The
Mexican government is trying to
ensure the attractiveness of Me>dco as
a place to invest while at the same
time giving the Mexican military a
free hand to crush the uprising as fast
as possible. These people do not
deserve the brutal and vicious attacks
by the army and deserve Canada's
support to have their human rights
respected.
Mardi Gras
-
Marc Sherman
ASYD (yeah, I'm still in ASYD)
W
ile the rest of my class
was busy studying and
writing midterms, I decid-
ed to take a short break - an early
reading week, if you will. 1 rented a
car with three of myoId high school
paIs (Martin, Jen and AI), and drove
down to New Orleans for what must
be the biggest single party in the Unit-
ed States - Mardi Gras. The trip was
one of the best ways I can think of to
spend ten days and the balance of my
bank account, especially in the middle
of the worst winter J ever hope to live
through
We left Friday afternoon, right after
I finished writing a midterm (I
bombed it, it must have been a sign).
At least, we were supposed to leave
right after I finished the midterm -
Martin thought that he could find a
short-cut from Toronto to Waterloo
via the QEW. He called from Shira's
house in Hamilton, and I gave him
much-needed directions. This could
have been a sign as well.
While waiting for the car to show
up two hours later (how it takes two
hours to get from Hamilton to Water-
loo I don't even pretend to under-
stand,) I flipped to CNN. Much to my
dismay, I discovered that a great glaci-
er had descended over the entire state
of Ohio, where we planned to spend
the bulk of the overnight driving shift.
1 had a pretty good idea that this was
a sign
Having seen the coming of the
apocalypse on CNN as well, Jen had
picked up a box of flares. 1 added
some extra blankets, and a heavy
running into a trucker wearing only a
towel, but the concept impressed me..
We bought a wooden postcard that
said "Greetings from Michigan" to
send to Denise, who was suppa;ed to
join us but had to canceL We never
wrote anything on it or mailed it to
her ... We learned one more important
lesson for travellers south of the bor-
der: they don't have vinegar for the
French fries, and if you keep asking
for it, they'll offer you Windex.
Back on the road, we soon crossed
into Ohio. Now the nail biting was to
begin For the next five hours, we had
no idea when cresting the next hill
would reveal an icy crevice in the
road, where the glacier had ripped the
asphalt right off the road. We must
have gotten lucky, though, as we
braved the treacherous ice fields of
Ohio without incident. In fact, that
was probably the most boring five
hour stretch on the entire trip (except
maybe driving back through Ohio on
the way home). Sorry if I've offended
anyone from Ohio out in IW1and, but
Ohio is one.flat state.
By the time we made it to Ken-
tucky, my all-nighter the night before
was beginning to catch up on me, and
1 gave Martin the wheel. 1 did stay up
to keep him awake, though. as a pret-
ty scary fog had set in and he proba-
bly wanted some company. Good
thing 1 wasn't driving, though, as I
think I started hallucinating - we
kept passing yellow and black rectan-
gular signs that announced we were
in Farrakhan Zones. When 1 woke the
next morning, Martin told me that
he'd seen signs claiming Falling Rock
Zones.
Probably my most traumatic mem-
I even got a few compliments on my
Village People costume the night I wore
my UW Hard-hat ...
metal shovel from my landlord's
garage, just in case. While we were
rummaging through the garage, a
phantom traffic cop snuck up on us,
tagged our rental for parking on the
sidewalk, and disappeared into the
night (which was a pretty impressive
feat at 2 p.m.). I'm certain that this
was a sign, but damn kanna, I was
going to New Orleans.
No sooner did we cross the border
into the United States, than I got us
lost in Detroit. Surprisingly, we made
it out alive, actually finding a gas
bar / seven-eleven where the cashier
could hEm us through the 3/4" bullet
proof Plexiglas ard knew which way
it was to the interstate. We bought
cheap gas for the car and exotic
flavours of Mars bars for our tum-
mies, and we were off.
Just before crossing from Michigan
into Ohio, we stopped for a bite at a
truck stop type place, where we
made some interesting discoveries
about the culture ard social mores of
our neighbours to the south. They
take their truck stops very seriously -
the place was huge, with three differ-
ent fast food joints, a gift shop, wash-
rooms, and srowers. Yes, showers: I
stayed clear of that area, for fear of
ory of the trip comes from Alabama,
where we stopped for breakfast at the
local Waffle House (a chain of 24rour
breakfast eateries south of the Mason-
Dixon line). The entire town high
school basketball team eyed us the
moment we walked in the door, like
we had neon signs flashing ''Yankee
Tourists" over our heads. The
woman behind the counter yelled
''DJn't leave, y'all!" at us, ard then sat
us down in a booth filled with the pre-
vious occupants' breakfast dishes.
Martin's menu had pan::ake syrup on
it, and there was a white blob of goo in
front of me - which I later discovered
was grits. She then proceeded to
bring a gatbage can over to the side of
our table, and scrape the plates into
the gatbage from a good height - the
grits made a satisfying plop as they hit
the can. Then she wiped the stuff
from the table onto the floor, and took
our order. I learned another impor-
tant lesson that day - you can't get a
cup of coffee with real milk in the
south You have to buy the milk sepa-
rately, or put up with liquid petrole-
um in a plastic cup. n Ie scariest thing
about our stop in Alabama was that
Alan actually ordered steak and eggs
at the Waffle House ... tick tick tick tick
NewOrieans
Me, the Pope, and a Rubber Oticken at the Truck Parade
tick tick COlliN BOMB!
Just a few states later, we made it to
New Orleans. We were staying in an
on-campus residence at Tulane Uni-
versity that was similar to the Colum-
bia Lake Townhouses. Tulane really
was a full service university - they
had a good cafeteria with Pizza Hut
and Taco Bell kiosks, a decent rec. cen-
tre, and if you got a cold or flu, you
just had to call the Hillel (Jewish stu-
dent organisation) any time, day or
night, and they'd bring you free chick-
en soup. I think this would be a good
service to have at UW, especially with
the winters we get. If you agree with
me, call the UW JSA hot line at 747-
1416 and ask for your soup. Just don't
mention my name.
By the time we got to New Orleans,
the party had already been well under
way for a few days. During the day,
for the two weeks leading up to Fat
Tuesday (the day before Ash Wednes-
day, which marks the beginning of
Lent in the Catholic calendar), there
are parades all around the city. The
parades are put on by krewes, old
social clubs named after mythological
figures, who seem to only exist to put
on Mardi Gras parades, as far as I
and his blues band (and apparently
the ghost of John Be1ushi) as members
of the Orpheus krewe, and Harry
Connick Jr. as King Orpheus I.
Rumour had it that Connick had been
King Bacchus the year before, but was
pissed off that they didn't invite him
back, so he paid for an entire new
krewe, including over twenty floats
(there may have been more ... I wasn't
quite sober at that parade).
The parades had some interesting
customs attached. Open liquor on the
street was perfectly fine - you could
even walk up to a mounted cop and
pet his horse with an open beer in
your hand. Most of the bars had set
up kiosks out their doors, so you
wouldn't have to line up inside to buy
a beer. The problem was, the only
drinks you could find with any regu-
larity were Bud, Bud Ught, something
called a Hurricane (fruit punch and
vodka, as far as I could teJl), and
Daiquiris. FAR too many Daiquiris.
They had entire bars dedicated exclu-
sively to selling Daiquiris, of all
flavours and sizes. It seems to be all
they drink in New Orleans. I even got
myself a one litre strawberry Daiquiri
(for only $5, mind you) at the Orpheus
... so good I wanted to slap my pappy
twice
could tell. At the parades, the krewe
members throw huge numbers of
plastic bead necklaces and other
cheap trinkets that you'd normally
ignore in a gum balI machine.
We atterded the Bacchus, Rex. and
Orpheus parades, as well as the Truck
Parade (a parade of floats on trucks
put together by small groups rot affili-
ated with the real krewes). Each of
these sported a number of celebrity
guests, including Jean-Claude Van
Darnme doing silly kicks on a float as
King Bacchus XXVI, Dan Ackroyd
parade, but I'm rot proud of it.
Having gone to the parades, and
collected the beads, you may be ask-
ing yourselves, "What did they do
with all those beads?" Well, that's
where the truly bizarre part of Mardi
Gras in New Orleans comes in Every
night, after the parades, down on
Bourbon Street in the French Quarter
(the old city built when France owned
Louisiana), is where the real party
was. Having collected huge numbers
of beads, one could take them to Bour-
bon Street, where one engaged in a
primitive fonn of voyeuristic 00rter-
shouting "Show your [tits I d.icklr' am
throwing beads to secure compliaoce.
The street was literally packed with
people, and most curbs had six inch
puddles of spilt beer and urine. It
made a Scunt or Nautical look like a
polite tea party.
The one thing that bugged me
about the scene on Bourbon Street
was that it was very heavilly weighted
towards men asking women to
expose themselves. From everything
I've heard, there's more of the oppo-
site every year, and within a few
years, it should be more evenly
weighted. For now, however, anyone
heading down to New Orleans for
Mardi Gras should be forewarned.
the toolboys who thought the hard-
hat up never had that in mind!
Alas, none of my pictures of the
Quarter turnOO out The only picture I
got from the Mardi Gras party itself
was a shot of the Pope on the side of a
truck float I'm more than rertain that
that was a sign ..
The night of Fat Tuesday, they
bring out the fire trucks and street
cleaners to chase everyone off the
streets by driving by real fast with the
hoses on full blast right at midnight.
After all, it's Lent. That marked the
end of the party, and after a day of
rest, we headed north.
sure they had a
nuclear powered
chemical plant mak-
ing the whiskey
buried underground
or something ... it was
just too perfect. We
couldn't actually buy
the JD in Lynchburg,
though - it's in a
dry county. Howev-
er, we had no trouble
finding JD candy, JD
fudge (excellent
stuff) and for 20
cents, you could get
your burger made
with JD at the Lynch-
burg Lunch Counter.
I didn't try it,
though .. .. caIl me
chicken.

if you continued far enough down
Bourbon Street, you got to a block that
wasn't lit like the rest, and had very lit-
tle activity on it. We could see,
though. that the party was continuing
on the other side. According to our
guide, a friend of friend from Univer-
sity of New Orleans who had some
hang ups, that was the gay section of
the French Quarter, and we didn't
want to go there. Luckily, we didn't
listen to him, because that's where the
most interesting party was to be
found. Everyone in that part of the
Quarter was in costume, either drag
or leather or funky jester suits with
multi-coloured thongs. I even got a
few compliments on my Village Peo-
ple costume the night I wore my UW
Hard-hat down to the Quarter. I bet
Our first stop on the route home
was Memphis, where we saw Grace-
land (a big corporate waste of time-
the King must be turning in his deco-
rated grave). We also found our first
good Cajun restaurant in Memphis,
which also happened to be our first
good blues bar. I had a crawfish and
shrimp etoufee which was so good I
wanted to slap my pappy twice. New
Orleans probably has great food and
music during the rest of the year, but
it's just too overrun with drunken
partiers to provide either during
Mardi Gras. Sun Records was also a
required stop in Memphis, and well
worth the $5 for a quick tour of a piece
of music history.
Our last stop
before braving the . \'"
.

home was Nashville, David Bowie has absolutely nothing to do with my trip
to see the Grand Ole to New Orleans
Opry. That was the
Our next stop was Lynchburg Ten-
nessee, to see the historic Jack Daniel's
Distillery. It was a wonderful tour,
well worth the price (free!). They
seemed authentic, but we were pretty
biggest commercialised sell-out I've
ever seen in my long and sordid life.
They had the country singers reading
out the ads for Grits and Goo Goo
Candy, and even encouraging the
audience to chant along with them! It
was awe inspiring.
Well, as you can tell from this arti-
cle, we made it back in one piece. We
never even had to use the shovel,
p ; de("' .... 2It tA.e:.ek ..

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N vJ. .J
though it was comforting to know it
was there. If anyone has any ideas for
where I should take off to in the mid-
die of next term, or wants to help me
pressure EngSoc into getting a truck
float together for next year's Mardi
Gras, drop by the IW office and leave
mea note.
Recession Fighting Tip #2
Scott Dumvllle
2A Civil
In my last article I was describing
job creation programs. Although
mass destruction is an effective
method of job creation, not all stu-
dents desire co-op jobs in tre construc-
tion field, although there is no reason
that mass destruction can't be a
hobby. Even some students in the
Civil Engineering field prefer other
methods of job creation, for varying
reasons. Some people are intimidated
by high powered explosives, others
get nervous and make mistakes under
pressure a once had a friend plant a
bomb, and then water it), and some
even get upset at acts of mass destruc-
tion I've been told that it's morally
reprehenstble, whatever that is.
In response to the mass interest
exhibited in other means of employ-
ment opportunities, I've put all avali-
able resources towards this end. 'The
first step was in realizing that the easi-
est way to get a job is to stand out
from the rest of your class, and get it
in first rounds. This avoids second
rounds and trying to network a still
don't know what that means) your-
self. Now how do you make yourself
stand out? Forgery is an option, but
the system tends to overreact if you
get caught. Something about being
expelled and criminal record. I don't
remember exactly what the punish-
ment was, but it sounded pretty hid.
This leaves improving either your
marks or your resume. You have to
be careful about lying on your
resume. First term I put down that I
was experienced in AutoCad.
Whoops, that program takes a while
to learn. Luckily I only got hired by
the government, so knowing how to
do anything actually put you at a dis-
advantage. I had something to do to
keep me busy (besides going on coffee
breaks and creating more useless
paperwork). This leaves improving
your marks.
Don't worry, this situation isn't
extreme enough to have to actually
study more. You can just make every-
body else's marks worse! Now mak-
ing everybody else stupid may sound
like a 1arge undertaking, but there are
actually several viable solutions. 1he
most obvious is 1V. Try ,petitioning
POETS for an all night Married With
Children session To be really effec-
tive you could splice the show with
subliminal frame flashes from Three's
Company, but this is a little inhumane
and may result in permanent psychic
damage. If you are lucky Brian
Adams will come out with a new
release. But these are at best only tem-
porary solutions which won't even
affect the people at the top of your
cla<;s.
1he problem is to everybody
else dumb. Hmmm........ This is
your brain. this is your brain on
..... DRUG ADDICTION!!!!!!! Get
everybody else in your class hooked
on drugs, and their marks are bound
to drop. This might sound like a lot of
work. but it can be broken into several
easy steps.
Step One: Decide
What Kind of
Drugs to Use
Drugs come in all sorts of shapes
and sizes and can do lots of different
things to you. Depending on what
reaction you want, you choose which
drug to use. Different amounts of
drugs also cause different reactions.
You don't want to kill your class or
put them into a coma although that
would cut down on the competition
Hmmrn ..... But that's cruel! (Besides
you might get caught if everybody
else in your class arbitrarily dies.)
Before you can decide what kind of
wish to use, u must
U'U@)'i
[In ()

lJ ,I"

"U'? [I n U U
U
decide how you wish the class to be
affected.
IT you want to blow the class's mind
to tre point wrere a coherent thought
is improbable let alone a multivariable
calculus assigrunent, tren large quan-
tities of hallucinogens are the solution
IT it worked for Reagan it'll work for
that guy with the pocket protector
who sits in front of you in Physics.
Hallucinogens are naturally occurring
but they can be distilled through cer-
tain chemical pl'OCe$S. You have a
croice of severaI different drugs here.
IT you want to really fuck people up,
!.SD is the path. Acid is really really
strong. It makes you see things differ..
ent1y. It can make you think that the
universe is actually a giant cockroach
and that the Earth is only a crumb of
food sticking on its foot, and that we
are all bacteria- and that as soon as the
cockroach takes a step the Earth will
"
be crushed. The planet will be
crushed and we'll all be dead! The
only way to survive is to get roach
spray and shoot it off in the air! 1he
ozone story is only a lie to protect the
Giant Roach! Death to the Ozone!
Death to the Roach!!!!!
Yes, well, that's only an arbitrary
example. Anyways, LSD is a very
strong drug, but the polire are pretty
hyped out about it IT you get caught I
think they skip the triaI and just shoot
you. Not that I'm against that kind of
thing. In order to maintain our sys-
tern, the best in the world (death to the
proletarians) we need to give the
police (blood-thirsty red necked mad-
men) our support An easy way out is
ha like
00nana peels or frog skins.
1he problem with hallucinogenics
is that they are not really addictive.
It's more of a wham bam my mind is
jam kind of buzz. IT you decide to use
more powerful drugs then you have
the addiction advantage. Good 01'
crack always comes to my mind
when I think addiction With crack
you won't even need a C(X)p job. You
can hook your class and live like a
parasite off them. 1he States seem to
be having a lot of success surpressing
the poor with it, I'm sure it would
work for your cla<;s.
Step Two: Get The
Drugs
drug: a substance affecting bodily
activities often in a Irmnful uxry and W:en
for other than medical reosons
(Webster's Dictionary)
Drugs are illegal!!! They are also
really hard to get. You have to get
them from a drug dealer, and that can
be a lot of trouble. First you have to
get the money to buy a 1arge quantity
of drugs, then you have to find a drug
dealer has tre drugs avaIiable. Some
warnings about drug dealers. They
are sometimes not honest people. IT
they tell you to give them your money
and wait while they get the drugs they
may not come back. If they do, the
drugs they get may not be real Don't
accept cocaine in sugar packages, or
pot in oregano spice containers. These
situations can be avoided by follow-
ing some simple rules:
1. Never buy from a stranger, or on
the street, although buying from a
stranger on the Street is OK
2 Never front money.
3. IT you are holding a 1arge amount
of money, do not go somewhere
alone with someone you do not
trust Many people who got into
dealing drugs are in reality,
junkies.
4. When going to make a deal for
dope, do. not take a weapon with
you unless it is a reaIly really big
weapon and can kill everybody
else with weapons, although a lit-
tle subtlety is desirable. Carrying
a bazooka into the deal may
cause a little friction
5. Never buy a large quantity of
drugs without first sampling it.
Feel free to sample as many times
as you think is necessary. Think
of it as quality control. You might
even be able to use this on a
resume.
6. When making a deal for acid and
you are at the dealer's apartment,
do not accept food or drink; the
real drug may be in the food. In
fact, avoid breathing.
7. When buying grass, watch out
for damp grass or grass sprayed
with sugar, as this adds a lot of
weight of the dope. Just because
supermarkets do it doesn't mean
that it is OK
8. Don't give tre dealer your money
unless they have your dope with
them, otherwise you could be
waiting a long time for them to
return
Rather than going through all this
bother, it is much simpler and safer to
make your own drugs. A few o.f the
recipes for several high powered
drugs are listed below.
a) LSD
!.SO is a very high powered hallu-
cinogenic. Although it is rumoured to
cause insanity this can not be proven
since sanity is a function of human
experience and therefore cannot by
definition exist.
Making LSD in the Kitchen
1. Grind up 150 grams of morning
glory seeds or baby Hawaiian
wood m;e seeds.
2. In 130 cc. of petroleum ether,
soak tre seeds for two. days.
3. Filter tre solution through a tight
screen.
4. Throwaway the liquid, and
allow the seed mush to dry.
5. For two days allow the mush to
soak in 110 cc. of wood almhol
6. Filter the solution again, saving
the liquid and labelling it "1."
7. Resoak the mush in 110 cc. of
wood almhol for two days.
8. Filter and throw out the mush.
9. Add the liquid from the semnd
soak to the solution labelled "1."
10. Pour the liquid into a cookie tray
and allow it to evaporate.
I1.When all the liquid has evaporat-
ed, a yellow gum remains. This
should be scraped up and put
into capsules.
30 g of morning glory seeds = 15
Hawaiian wood rose seeds = 1 trip
To get the Hawaiian rose seeds you
can order from:
Chong's Nursery and Flowers
P.D. Box 2154
Honolulu, Hawaii
I smoked it all!
b) Crack
Crack is a very addictive fonn of ------------------------....
cocaine. There are two basic recipes
for crack. The first is less addictive
and uses a large amount of cocaine as
a base. The second contains many
chemicals and is much more addic-
tive. The semnd recipe is listed here.
Ingredients:
7 Grams of Cocaine
28 Grams of Windex

2 Grams of Crocodile Tears
49 Grams of Baking Soda
6 Grams of Spennicide
3 Grams Crushed Glass
31 GramsofMSG
18 Grams ofTar
1 Pair of Oricken lips
6 Grams of Sugar
This is a computer engineering class
experiencing a huge LSD overdose.
The University president announced
that that year the class average
unexplainably fell by more than 600/0.
18 Grams of Airplane Glue
1 Grarn of Nuclear Waste
20 Grams of Gasoline (Supreme
yields the best results)
100 Grams of Water
1. Mix all the above ingredients
together until you get a smooth
stiff paste.
2. Mold the paste into rectangles
and put in the oven at 350
degrees for 6 hours.
3. Let dry for two days un "1 the
paste has hardened into a clear
rock. You now have powerful
crack.
(c)Bananas
Bananas mntain a small quantity of
Musa Sapientum bananadine, a very
powerful hallucinogenic. Ever won-
dered why gorillas have that dopey
look on their faces?
1. Obtain 15 lbs. of ripe yellow
bananas.
2. Peel all the bananas and eat the
fruit Save the peels.
3. With a sharp knife, scrape off the
insides of the peels and save the
scraped material
4. Put all the scraped material in a
Iarge pot and add water. Boil for
three or four hours until it has
attained a solid paste mnsistancy.
5. Spread this paste on cookie
sheets, and dry in an oven for
about 20 minutes to half an rour.
This will result in a fine black
powder which is smoked in ciga-
rettes.
Step Three:
Hooking Your
Class On Drugs
This may be a lot harder than you
would think. The problem is that
most of your class is upwardly mobile
and if you offered them crack, they
might not all accept. You gotta slip it
to them. There are many ways of
slipping a class drugs but you have to
be imaginative.
Crack will probably be the hardest
drug to have the entire class ingest.
This is because it must be smoked to
be effective. It is improbable that you
will be able to snare your entire class
at once, so you must employ a couple
of different methods. A highly suc-
ces ful method is to hold a big big
party. Invite your entire class. (Possi-
blya batch party- and only charge $2
or $3 per person). Then light a lot of
crack. If anybody asks, call it incense.
You might not wish to be there, since
you would get hooked too. But hey,
nobody said this would be easy! Since
this is a parly, the keeners in your
class, probably won't be there. You
have to get U,em another way. One
possible method is to substitute the
coals from the mncrete toboggan BI3Q
with crack. The smoke will not only
flow into CPH, but will condence
inside the burgersas well.
LSD is easy to slip to people. You
could start with a party and spike the
punch. (One part LSD to one part
punch ought to be sufficient.) Anoth-
er way to have people try massive
quantities of LSD is to put a one-to-
one mixture in the C and D coffee.
You'll know it's working when the
guy with the really thick glasses in
Calculus jumps up and runs around
screaming about the bugs.
Step Four: Dealing
Assuming that you chose to hook
your class on crack, then you will
have to mntinue to deal dope after the
class has ingested enough crack to ''be
interested in obtaining more". Deal-
ing drugs is a tricky task. There are
several tips that can act as an aid.
Remember,
DEALING
DRUGS IS
ILLEGAL
so you have to b unobtrusive.
Advertising s hould be stricly limit xi
to word-of-mouth, no advertising in il
newspaper, school or otherwise
(Michel Svarc, 2A Civil, 653-7700:
Hash, Mushrooms, and Pot $10-
15/ gram depending on quantity).
To be an effective drug dealer, you
have to practise lurking. Lurking is
when you hang around som whee ,
doing nothing, but looking like you
belong. This is the best way to let pe0-
ple know that you are dealing drugs.
Hooking your class on drugs unfor-
tunately has disadvantages. This will
bring an end to your cloning career.
But don't worry, everybody else will
be too spaced to finish any of the ques--
tions on an assignment, so you can
surf the top of the bell curve.
For people which feel that dealing is
not suited to them,
coming next week:
RECESSION
FIGHTING TIP
#3: The
Assassination
Game
Out in Engineering
Todd Veldhuizen
38 Systems "f';
S
here I am writing
et another article
about what it's like
being gay. Usually when I write an
article it's about all the bad homopho-
bic things that happen: seeing posters
which mourn the deaths of gays and
lesbians in Nazi concentration camps
getting slashed and ripped down; the
grafitti in the bathrooms; hearing of
people who are reluctant to be seen
with me for fear of what others may
think, and so on -an endless list.
But I get tired of writing diatribes. It
makes me angty, and I don't want to
turn into a whining, humorless
activist. So instead I thought that I
would talk about some of the nice
things about being gay in engineering
as well.
My boyfriend and I are celebrating
two years of bliss together in March.
Weve been living together for nearly
a year now, and we're very happy. He
is also an engineer - he graduated in
Systems a few years back. The other
day we were talking abo\lt the Iron
Ring Party IStag split, and he men-
tioned that in his year there were a
number of out gay engineers, and
they had a nice graduating dinner at
the Walper Terrace. In my year, there
were two engineers I met through
GLLOW, who have since left engi-
neering - Chris in Ow who has now
moved to Toronto, and Allison in
mechanical who went into indepen-
dent studies. Allison was a close
friend and I miss her a lot. Since she
left engineering we saw less and less
of each other, and now she has moved
to Vancouver with her partner.
Another nice thing is having a fami-
ly as supportive as mine. After my
parents got over the ini t:ial shock, they
got themselves educated and have
been very accepting ever since. I have
a gay brother, also "married" (don't
inquire about the quotes or you'll get
me started about discrimination
against same sex couples). My par-
ents have welcomed my boyfriend
as part of the family. He spends holi-
days with us and my family celebrates
his birthday. I always look forward to
family get-togethers - it's like a little
vacation from the attitudes in engi-
neering.
Being openly gay in engineering is
stressful at times. Lately I've been
finding that I'm getting tired of run-
ning into the same stupid attitudes
over and over. Back in my frosh year,
when I was young and energetic, I did
things like wearing my GLWW T-
shirt around engineering and putting
a male torso message board on my
door in village. I naively thought that I
would be strong enough to handle
any homophobic responses, especially
since I had Conviction I learned pret-
ty quickly that I couldn't be out all the
time, that I needed to conserve my
strength and just be out in strategic
ways, or else I would turn into a ner-
vous wreck. When I wore my
GLWW T-shirt around engineering,
there was an engineer who verbally
harassed me (he shouted "Faggot!
Queer!" at me several times). It sur-
prised me at the time just how much
this affected me. I suppose I naively
thought that by wearing the T-shirt I
was saying "Look at me; I'm gay; I'm
an engineer; I'm like you; you don't
have to feel threatened by me". The
attitude encountered was "If you're
gay, it doesn't matter who you are,
you're Scum, you ought to be Dead." I
wasn't really expecting to run into
such unveiled hatred. I also had my
door in village vandalized that sum-
mer (my message board ripped up,
ketchup and mustard sprayed on my
door). It took a few visits with engi-
neering counselling to patch up my
self esteem after these encounters.
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Sexism,
Homophobia
Engineering"
nars. In a way,
longer wearing
T-shirts or holding hands with my
boyfriend in public is a victory for the
homophobes, but I don't have the
strength for these things anymore. It's
an imperfect solution
I don't want to give the impression
that all engineers are homophobic.
Most of my classmates are accepting
and I have close friends that are super-
supportive. The friends I have made
are one of the few good things about
being out in engineering - you can
have dose friends and not have to
conceal anything. Sometimes I won-
der whether I would have been hap-
pier if I stayed in the closet. As a gay
activist I ought to be saying, "C'mon
out, the water's wonderful!", but I
have doubts myself. For most people
it is much easier to not challenge
assumptions and I understand that
very well. In the end I think I am
happy with being out, but whoah, it's
been one hell of a ride.
The starting of a Waterloo Q. Eng.
group is also a very happy thing. I first
heard about the Toronto Q. Eng.
group at Pride Day in June (a huge
party in Toronto where they close sev-
eral blocks of downtown and hun-
dreds of thousands of lesbigay folk
and their friends gather to celebrate).
They have nifty T-shirts which say 'Q.
Eng.' with an iron ring motif. Some
friends and I are starting up a similar
group here (see the Q. Eng. article
nearby).
Just to round off the article, here is
my 'Top 10' list of pet peeves about
engineering.
10. Inquiries about my girlfriend
("I'm gay, I don't have one." -
"01\ I'm sorry")
9. Seeing ripped up GLLOW
posters in the wastebaskets.
8. "Die Faggots!" graffitti in the
bathrooms.
7. The phrase " ... and member of the
opposite seX'.
6. Hets draping themselves over
each other in the. hallways who
would have a fit if me and my
boyfriend did the same.
5. Administrators who think that
homophobia is not as legitimate
an issue as sexism or racism
4. Formals where a gay couple
dancing together would be a
political act instead of a romantic
one.
3. Tools calling each other "Fag!" in
the Watstar rooms.
2. Tools who think that tradition is a
good thing.
1. Tools.
Q. Eng. - A New Group
For Lesbigay Engineers
Todd Veldhuizen
38 Systems
and cohorts
Q
Eng. is a new group for les-
ian. bi and gay engineering
students, professionals and
their eros. It's an attempt to create
some "gay space" in engineering
where we can relax and socialize with
our peers. Although Q. Eng. is intend-
ed to be a confidential social group,
some of our members are involved in
working to improve the environment
in engineering.
The name might cause some confu-
sion, since computer engineering
chose the initials Q.E. for their pink
and lilac discipline buttons. The Q.
Eng. group isn't associated directly
with computer engineering - the
name has been borrowed from the
founding Toronto group. However,
we have been buying up the buttons
:-)
Here are some of our upcoming
events:
March 9. Road trip to socialize with
the Q. Eng. group in Toronto.
We're organizing a car pool, so
rides are available.
March 11. Inaugural Potluck Din-
nerParty!
This dinner party is going to be held
at a private home - all interested
people are invited! If you want to
come, send me some email (tveld-
hui@5ystems.watstar) and I will reply
with more details.
..
.
, DOt4'T
FEEb OR
TEASE THE
STRAiGHT
PeoP' E
~ ----- - --- -
Me? Homophobic?
Andre Carrington
48 Systems
mental note to myself to try not to say
it again.
i\:.
iend of mine, Rick, and I To some people it might be trivial
were joking a couple of while to others it matters. My error
. onths ago when something may have only been semantic but it is
unexpected happened. Rick and I the seed of a certain vein of thinking
often insult each other when we joke that leads to prejudice and phobia.
around-I guess it's our way of reliev- I'm glad that Steve spoke up about
ing stress by laughing at ourselves. what I said, otherwise I would have
So, one day I was in a romputer room carried on saying the same thing, and
and Rick called me a wimp. So I thinking the same way.
called him a fag. A r ~ ~ ___ --__. It's easy to put down a
friend sitting nearby, population that you
Steve, suddenly inter- don't have any contact
jected: "Hey I have with. I'm not talking
some friends who are about having an overt or
gay and I think they are direct hatred toward that
really cool people!". population. I'm talking
"Oh," I stuttered, not . about the devaluation
expecting Steve's that takes place when we
remark. I didn't con- .: '* abstract a population to a
sciously realize that by using the word stereotype or to a roncept to which we
'fag' to insult Rick I was denigrating haven't given much thought. Have
gay people. I think that at some point you given much thought to homosex-
in my past I had called Rick a fag, uality and/or lesbianism? Do you
knowing it would be offensive to know anyone who is not heterosexu-
gays, but I didn't care, no one else al? Would you work on a school pro-
around me seemed to. Besides there ject with them? Could you be friends
wasn't anyone gay around either. with them? Close friends? A good
Maybe I was used to hearing the friend of mine found out that one of
word, or using it, without giving it his dose friends was gay. It didn't
much thought change things for him. Would it
I guess racism shares the same change things for you to find out if
root-ignorance. I thanked Steve for one of your friends was gay? Obvi-
bringing it to my attention. It only ously it depends on how rontradicto-
took me a second to realize my error. ry it seems to their behaviour.
Irs taken me longer than that to weed Well, I've met several people who
out my usage of the word. I'm trying, are gay or lesbian. I get along the
but it still slips out once in a while. same'with them as I do with any other
When it does, I feel bad and I make a person Except queens. I can't stand
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people who lisp as though on purpose
and walk swaying their hips while
wearing flashy pink colours. Is that
homophobic? I don't think so. I don' t
like certain behaviours whether they
are gay or not. In fact, when I ronsider
a worthwhile contribution to the pro-
ject.
Another example is if I was a man-
ager hiring an individual to work on a
team in a rompany. In this case my
hiring criteria would be based on
I guess racism sltares the same root --
.
tgnorance
the opposite side of the spectrum, the
chauvinist, someone who strives to
assert their masculinity through
oppression of the female gender, I am
equally repulsed. So what is homo-
phobia?
Homophobia is the irrational fear or
intolerance of homosexua lity. Why
should it concern you if you are het-
erosexual? Because your attitudes
toward homosexuality may impact
your personal and / or business affairs,
and it's probably a dimension of your
personality that you haven't devel-
oped. In writing this article, I've sp0-
ken to a number of people on issues
regarding homosexua1ity. Exploring
that dimension has helped me shape
my ideas. I've realized that I must be
acutely aware of my preference of
non-queen type people. Before I fig-
ured that I rould put aside my person-
al preferences when I needed to make
a business decision, but I discovered
that the personal and business aspects
of my life overlaps. Picking a project
group in a course for instance entails
considering both personal preferences
to those with whom I am comfortable
and/ or get along with and academic
preferences regarding who can make
many factors. Merit of rourse would
be primary, but other factors must
also be taken into account such as:
how well would they get along with
the other team members, how well
they fit into the company cWture, and
what they uniquely rontribute to the
team. Sometimes the team should be
expected to adapt to a new individual
who doesn't initially fit in, while
sometimes that cannot be realistically
expected. Where that line is drawn is
a matter of opinion-hopefully a
developed one.
I encourage you to examine and
extend your opinions and knowledge
of homosexuality, homophobia, les-
bianism, et cetera. My exploration of
the topic has changed my perceptions,
which in turn has changed my atti-
tudes and behaviour: it's not so hard
to avoid using the word 'fag' now that
it contradicts
the di
and dpVF'lor.I-.
Steve.
Message from the
Closet
Anonymous
0, this article may be about SOmt7
C thing new and different for all of
Uyouout there in engineering land.
ok, so like, what do you do if sudden-
ly one day you wake up and discover
(to your surprise) that you are in fact
queer?
ok, maybe it's not quite like
thaLl/waking up and discovering to
your surprise" is a bit unusual. it look
me quite a while to figure things out.
so,lets assume that you have all of this
sexuality stuff figured out but it's not
straightened out (ha, ha - get it?! not
straightened out, not straight! hee,
hee, hee). what do you do?
tell all of your friends in engineer-
ing? hmmmm, probably not. it's a dif-
ficult decision to make. slashed pink
triangle posters on bulletin boards
don't ronvey the impression of a sup-
portive, non-homophobic environ-
ment. do you really want people that
you have to work with to treat you
like a freak and be afraid to be seen
with you for the next Q years?
staying closeted, while a "safer"
option, is not really a choice that thrills
me. my sexual orientation is an
important part of me and i have cho-
sen to keep that part hidden. i am out
in olher areas of my life, however i
have consciously chosen not to rome
out in engineering. to m ,enginEX.>ring
cWture isn't about being different and
understanding differences. j've seen
and heard loo much homophobia to
trust engineering to deal responsibly
with this information about me.
do j have a quick-fix list for making
engineering a more comfortable envi-
ronment for gay people lo come out
and exist in? i don'l think there are
"quick-fixes." j do wish that people
would think about homophobia (as
being a bad thing). if you don't know
where to start, here are some sugges-
tions:
telling gay jokes in the walstar room
may be hurting people: do you know
that all of the people there are straight
and equally homophobic?
do you know any gay people? do
you treat them differently from
straight people? are gay people rom-
fortable outing themselves to you?
do you assume that everybody is
straight until proven otherwise?
straight people don't have to come
out think about living in an oppres-
sively gay world and having to come
out as straight.
Still Rambling ...
Mario BBllabarba
STRESSED beyond belief
W:
ell, midterms are over, and if your grades weren't depressing enough,
then I gotta tell ya, there's a lot worse waiting out there. Enough with
the preamble, let's just skip to this issues signs of impending doom:
- THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK HA VE COME our WITH A NEW
ALBUM!! HEAD FOR THE HILLS AND DON" LOOK BACK!!. Even
when I was at the age when I was suppa;ed to like these guys, I thought
they were the moot talentless bunch of gene pool rejects to ever walk the face
of the Earth (OK, I'm exaggerating, but only a little). You have to give them
some credit, though. They are trying to change their image to keep up with
the times, they've changed their name to NKOTB. Hey, it worked wonders
for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
- Products bearing the label 'Mo Name' have become name brand prod ucts.
- The Cookie Monster has started touting the merits of health food. In a recent
episode, he turned away form cookies and instead chose to much on carrots
and celery sticks. Just what are children out there learning these days.
- A new doll has come out that comes with it's own Topsey Tail. I thought
these i n ~ made peoples hair look bad to start with, but now the manufac-
turers are trying to get a generation of small children to style their dolls' hair
so that they too can look like alien creatures from Star Wars.
- The arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse; Death, Pestilence, War
and Barney (Famine couldn't make it this week).
- The metamorphosis of Skating (Figure and Short Track Speed) into the Box-
ing of the Winter Olympics: A sport in which the winner is determined not
by the athletes abilities, but by the whims of judges who have little concept
of reality.
- The recent weather shifts have convinced me that, not only is there a God,
but he wanted to tease us with a little bit of (relatively) warm weather before
sinking us back into the never ending cold.
- Woody posted office hours on his door
Depressing as all these signs may be, there is still reason to celebrate. The
fourth year students may not heed any excuses to party, but the rest of us mere
mortals sure do, so here goes:
March 9 -The Department of Agriculture Declares that Ketchup is a vegetable, 1981
M12 -The Hell's Angles are created, 1948
M14 -The baseball cap is invented, 1860
MIS -The first baseball cap is worn backwards, 1860
M17 - St Patrick's Day - The only holiday (besides Oktoberfest) where one per
son can drink till they puke and someone else will'say 'That's the spirit!'
M19 - Chewing Gum is invented,1871
M20 - First official sighting of Elvis, Butte, Montana, 1980
M22 - New Kids and Ninja Turtle doll sales top 1.8 BILLION! (Actually, I think
this belongs in the upper list), 1m
M27 to M29 - Liz Taylor's wedding anniversaries
The Tower of Babel Will Not Be Raised
Heather Haavaldsrud
E
Tower of Babel is a biblical
reference which became more
defined through the evolution
of Jewish mythology. According to
the verses concerning the story of the
Tower ef Babel, in the King James ver-
sion of the Bible, all mankind spoke
one language and as a result were one
in that language. The translation inad-
equacies of today did not exist
because everyone understood one
another completely. As a result of
such understanding, the descendants
of Babel were able to work together
witrout hin:irance. The biblical verses
themselves, with much help from the
Jewish stories that followed them,
describe man's aspirations to reach
heaven and God's intervention to
thwart those aspirations. Man decid-
ed to build a tower that would reach
heaven, but God felt there were things
mankind should never know. Thus,
he scattered mankind over the face of
the earth and separated them with dif-
fering languages which prevented
them from effectively communicating.
As a result, the Tower of Babel
remained in::omplete.
)heorists suggest the story of Babel
supports a linguistic theory that all
languages were created from one
mother tongue. Like much of Norse,
Greek and Roman mythology, the
reason for this story would appear to
be as simple as explaining the inex-
plicable to a primitive people. How-
ever, this interpretation seems
simplistic ani devoid of any belief
in the existence of God as it ignores
the literal expression of the words
themselves. Taken literally, the story
of Babel emphasizes the power of
God in his ability to control the lives of
the men and women of earth. The
story defines more complicatai issues
when translated literally as the inter-
vention of God in the Jives of
mankind. Given the bi and multi lin-
gualism in the world today, the power
of God's intervention in this instaoce
has substantially disintegrated since
biblical times.
language is a very important vehi-
cle for communication between coun-
tries, societies, and iOOividuals. Given
our ability to communicate linguisti-
cally with one another, an attempt to
reach heaven, yet again, would seem
not .far off, given the story within the
Bible. However, troughts of reaching
heaven are not prevalent in the world,
even if they exist at all. 'Throughout
the centuries, the barriers between cul-
tures have not fallen as a direct result
of overcoming the language barriers
of those cultures. People are distract-
ed by issues called racism. sexism, and
feminism to name a few. Rather than
achieving a oneness, we are separated
us from one another by these social
barriers .
The lines of communication
between people have been broken in
many cases, but complete under-
standing seems to remain outside the
grasp of mankind. The news is cov-
ered with stories of global violence
between people of differing beliefs,
the never-ending battle of the sexes
and the clash between cultures of
varying disl:i..octiveness. This absen::e
of global understanding scatters
mankind in ways stronger than those
barriers created by any language. In
our inability to un:Ierstand one anoth-
er's th:rughts ani feelings cooceming
issues of sex, race, and differing cul-
tures, the oneness of Babel's descen-
dants escapes us still
If we agree that God does exist, and
tha t he scattered mankind across the
earth and created language barriers, it
remains logical to suggest that since
"
mankind has reunited in many of
these aspects, God has now separated
us by the many -ism's that occupy so
much of mankind's time and effort in
today's societies. People are so busy
disagreeing that mere unification of
language is not enough to bind
mankind together as one. As long as
racism, feminism, sexism ... exist, God
need not worry that his secrets will be
discovered because mankind cannot
begin another tower to Heaven given
its inability to understand the slightest
discrepancies in thought, action and
voice.
The uniqueness of the dissonant
descendants of Babel seems more
astounding when compared to the
inhannonious existence of mankind
today. Whether the -isms of the soci-
eties of the world are a result of divine
intervention or of ourselves, one thing
remains true; men and women have
lost something which they may never
regain unless through some changing
stroke of divine intervention or a gen-
uine attempt on the part of al\
mankind to resolve that which tears
us apart.
Faults in Design of Acme Rocket Sled
Jeff Dietz,
InvinCIVIL Engineering
Consultants (2A Clv)
Prepared for: Acme Company
of Nevada
U
e need for analysis of the
Acme Company's Rocket Sled
design was first perceived
when a lawsuit was laid against the
company. Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resi-
dent of Arizona, is seeking compensa-
tion for personal injuries, loss of busi-
ness, and mental suffering as a direct
result of improper cautionary
labelling and gross negligence in the
design of Acme Co.'s Rocket Sled.
Mr. Coyote has claimed that his use of
the Rocket Sled has temporarily
restricted his ability to make a living in
his profession of predator.
Mr. Coyote received via parcel on
December 23 of last year, one Acme
Rocket Sled. His intent was to use the
Rocket Sled to aid in pursuit of his
prey. Immediately after he had
removed the Rocket Sled from the
wooden crate, Mr. Coyote spotted his
prey. Finding it to be a opportune
time to test the sled, he turned the sled .
towards his prey, and pressed the
ignition button
As Mr. Coyote gripped the handle
bars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with
such force that it caused Mr. Coyote's
forelimbs to stretch to the length of
4.5m. Subsequently, the rest of Mr.
Coyote's body shot forward with a
violent jolt, causing severe damage to
the fuel< of fits neck, and placing him
unexpectedly astride of the Rocket
Sled. Disappearing over the horizon
at such speed as to leave a diminish-
ing jet trail along its path. the Rocket
Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast
of his prey.
At that moment the animal he was
pursuing veered sharply to the right.
Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to
tum the sled but was unable to. Short-
ly thereafter, the still accelerating rock-
et sled led it and Mr. Coyote into colli-
sion with the side of a mesa.
The damage to Mr. Coyote was
summarized in a medical report as
being multiple fractures, contusions
and tissue damage. After being treat-
ed by medical professionals, Mr. Coy-
ote found himself with a full bandage
around the head (excluding the ears),
a neck brace, and full or partial casts
on all four legs.
These injuries and casts may have,
in part, caused Mr. Coyote's problems
with the pair of Acme Rocket Skates
he later purchased. (Acme Rocket
skates are the subject of the next engi-
neering report being prepared by

By examining the facts of Mr. Coy-
ote's experience we can identify the
faults in the design of the Rocket Sled.
The first injury that Mr. Coyote suf-
fered was the elongation of his fore-
limbs. Since his forelimbs were
stretched from O.9m to 45m we can
calculate the strain caused by the force
of the acceleration of the sled to be an
incredible factor of five. We have not
been able to ascertain exactly what
kind of material Mr. Coyote's fore-
THe: ADVENTURES
o
D
... coor I
WetS. iV\ from "-\M
1/ t
rqmi C.ircuS y\e.I.U
'noN"OfS .,.
limbs are made of but it is
much more ductile than regu-
lar bone, flesh and skin.
'The average diameter of Mr.
Coyote's forelimbs is O.07m
and the mass of the Rocket
Sled is 1 kg. If we were to
assume that the value of
Young's modulus of Mr. Coy-
ote's forelimbs is similar to that
of regular bone and that the
yield stress is extremely high,
(No plastic deformation
occurred as Mr. Coyote's fore-
limbs returned to normal
length) we find the accelera-
tion of the sled to be more than
35.7m/s"2
An acceleration of this mag-
nitude would cause any per-
son of normal strength to lose
hold of the Rocket Sled. The
Rocket Sled would then
become an uncontrolled mis-
sile which could cause
immense damage to any per-
son or structure it strikes.
'The second injury Mr. Coy- L..-______ ....;;.&. _____ --I
ote suffered was due to the impact of
him and the Rocket Sled with the
mesa. Upon interviewing Mr. Coyote,
we found that the Rocket Sled had no
means of steering. This, coupled with
the fact that the Rocket Sled has no
braking device, leads to the conclusion
that the Rocket Sled is an extremely
dangerous mode of transportation
We recommend that Acme Compa-
ny recall all remaining Rocket Sleds
off the market. The Rocket Sled
should then be outfitted with means
of steering, braking and altering veloc-
ity. Seats and seatbelts would also
increase the safety of the Rocket Sled.
If modifications are not made, the
company should include, on the
Rocket Sled, cautionary labelling such
as "Danger", "Extreme Acceleration",
"No means of stopping" , etc.
Such modifications to the Rocket
Sled are necessary if Acme Company
hopes to avoid further legal suits by
other customers.
Bells - 1+'5 (OOP Limpe+!
brQinS ...
.J
W1"q+ plo-t could. h"ve
qbOLl+ cliqboli co.l
Yes) 'Tis r ... Coop Livnpet-.. -
1<.e+4(Nld -to w reo.k l-Jcwo c-
On w014ld
Me. k, II ec:( !
s+a.+e. of QtfQ irs? A wha.+
If. thiV'ij OV'i
of J"eff 's he"d?
I s pent
qrt hou(
""f
CAN THIS _"VERTEBRATE.
MADNESS Be SToppeD? .. '
~
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Negativconcertland
by Negativland
2CD Bootleg recorded May
5, 1993 at the Belly Up
Tavern, San Diego
Marc Sherman - ASYD
from tapings of America's Top 4()
with Casey Kasem. Islard Ra:ords,
U2' s record label, sued SST Ra:ords
for releasing the ra:ord without per-
mission. Casey Kasem got indig-
nant, and wrote some people some
nasty letters. SST's presses were
seized by Islard, and all copies of the
U2 single were recalled. Negativ-
land wrote a book about what had
happened, called The Letter U and
A few years ago, a band called The Numeral 2. SST read the book,
Negativland got into some trouble didn't like the way it made them
with a band called U2, some record look, and sued Negativland them-
labels called SST and Island, a foul- selves. Amazingly, Negativland is
mouthed radio announcer called still putting on concerts and even
Casey Kasem, and a whole lot of releasing ra:ords, induding a single
lawyers running around doing called Guns and a CD called Free,
whatever it is that lawyers do. This 2 both released after the lawsuits hit
CD set, masquerading as a bootleg the fan
recording of a Negativland concert, is This CD should really be d is-
actually a testament to the U2 saga. cussed in two parts; the U2 parts,
First some background. Negafiv- and the rest. A full hour of the
land is a sample band. They lift recording is dedicated. to U2, incIud-
sound bites from a variety ing a cut-up of the actual song by U2
mix them in with original with !hi! Kasem samples, a rerrlition
tation, and sometimes with 'The Weatherman" chanting
They've been the lyrics (pre-recorded on VCR,
like this for according to the liner notes), a seg-
show, and have ment with samples discussing the
CD's over the years. From H"\l>n...inn.<.}i. actual U2 spy plane shot down over
ning, have Ike's presi-
people tplape their shows, pass a wonderful
tapes arOund to their reinds, sell the classic
tapes, and especially sample the discussing cold
tapes.}Vhile this record is a 000tlgi a whole lot of
it is Pf<x!l1Ced with full approval of about The Copyright Law.
the baM; and in fact the J.irer notes
$5 from the sale pf f}very speach
CD is anonymously donated Of the saga before the
defence fund. . end of the concert.
The\I2 saga referred the original Nega-
started NegativIand released a tivland U2 now sells for over
single on SST tecords ailled U2. This $100 if you call find it this is a great
single contained a cover version of way to get your hands on an exteOO-
the song I Still Haven't Found What ed mix of the
I'm Looking For by the band U2, As !or the rest of the CO, which is a
complete with a number -of very more standard live l'ECOJ.ding of !hi!
rude samples from outtakes liberated band, irs hit ard miss at best Some
oro ......
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songs, such as Christianity is Stupid
and Proud to Be An American sound
no different than the album versions.
In fact, Proud ... is actually listed on
the liner notes as a lip-sync! Some of
the non-U2 songs on the record are
great, however. The record opens
with a hilarious self-taped eulogy for
Dick Vaughn, one-time fictional.
benefactor of the band. The dosing
track is just as strong, as Mark Hosler
methodicaUy cuts off his Four Fin-
gers. Sandwiched in the middle of
the two CD set, we learn the recipe
for perfect Scrambled Eggs, a recipe
that I will certainly rever forget.
The sauro quality of this bootleg is
rather good, considering that it was
taped with a portable DA T. The
track listing is often arbitrary, as a
Negativland show is more of an
event than a discrete series of songs.
Mird you, their records are like that
too. One of the best parts of this set
are the liner notes. They include a
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description of some of the notable
visuals in the concert, which help to
explain some of th audiancc noises
at strange points in the songs. As
well, a letter explaining his position
by Casey Kasem and a paper on
copyright reform called Fair Use by
Negativlard are also reprinted in t.re
liner notes. They relp to make this
package a pretty compreherY;i ve cov-
erage of the U2 saga, although the
book The Letter U and Numeral
2 would certainly be a good compan-
ion to il
The bard eocuurages that we tape
this CD and pass it around, so if
you're a Negativland fan, or just
interested in.f:in:ling out what all the
U2 hype was about, drop off a C120
tape in the IW office with your name
ani class on it, and we'll dub you a
copy ard drop it in your class box.
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Marvin: . Space Iguana
James Scott Follis, esq.
Community ship Yzorderex II had
become a dilapidated spaceship way
back in the year 2133. The old tour-
ing ship had traveled over a hundred
thousand light years, and been sold or
traded so many times she couldn't
remember all the owners. After her
search for food. Over the years Marvin
had learnt the nuances of space flight
and excelled at piloting a small space
probe that Joiomo harboured. Every
week he would stop at Star Nemesis ill
(a relatively new junker that orbited
the northern corner of the junkyard) to
use its ancient matter replicator to
produce red smarties (which he
The entire population committted ritualistic belly
dancing in tight g-strings.
numerous journeys she had worn out
and been sold for scrap. She now
made her home in the far reaches of
planetary junkyard Q701. Still the
ship wasn't altogether in isolation - at
least she had a passenger, a scrawny
stray space iguana named Malvin.
always ate first. what a
rebel!) and his monthly supply of
Zardanian Oreos made entirely of fill-
ing, no cookie. After getting his food
he hurried back to his abocle, afraid he
might find his beloved Joiomo in
pieces. For this was what happened
to all the other old vessels orbiting this
planetary junkyard, - they were sold
for parts, so it was only a matter of
time.
One morning Marvin was awakened
switch. There was a slight shuttering
while the giant nuclear engines carne
back to life after decades of dormancy.
Suddenly the warp drive kicked in
with the mightiest roar Marvin had
ever had the misfortune of hearing.
The ship rocked so violently that Mar-
vin was hurtled out of the ventilation
shaft, landed on the adamonite floor
and knocked himself out cold.
When Marvin regained conscious-
ness, they had passed out of the Van-
dorian stellar system where the old
junkyard was found, and were head-
ing out into the farther reaches of the
galaxy. The Santor engaged the
hyperspace drive. Wherever they were
headed, they were now on their way,
and fast. The iguana was doing his
nails for this was his first time travel-
ing through hyperspace and he want-
ed to look his best. The fastest he'd
ever traveled was in his space probe,
and both the iguana and Joiomo were
relieved when at last they pulled into
Marvin had somehow strolled onto
Yzorderex II in 2127 and had lived a
vivacious life as a stowaway up until
Space Central headquarters had pro-
nounced the ship unsuitable for fur-
ther space travel and hauled her into
the junkyard. MaIVin had remained
on the ship even after all the other
space iguanas had gone their own
ways. You see, iguanas have this
uncanny attraction to space vehicles
and most ships contained at least 3.72
stowaways. Most of them had hitched
rides on star cruisers heading to the
four corners of the galaxy while others
had fallen into the Universal Melting
Pot Marvin had thought about leav-
ing, but he just couldn't. He had
become attached to the ship, for it was
the only good home he'd ever known,
Marvin, ... was lounging around the lounge eating
Doritos and watching old episodes of Days of our Lives.
by the sound of an opening airlock, fol-
lowed by approaching voices. They
were very close by, and the curious
iguana got up to see what was hap-
penin'. It was Bob. With him stood a
seven foot tall purple skinned Santor.
Marvin could tell by the bulging eye
sockets that it was a ma1e. He was
carrying two very large titanium
envelopes, and had a curious device
attached to his ear that emitted pulses
of darkish lightish smoke type stuff
(Malvin wasn't all that
good at describing
what he saw).
"I buy 'em cheap and
run the warp coils off
'em," growled the big
Santor in a voice that
was reminiscent of the
early twenty-first cen-
tury American presi-
dent: Pee-Wee Her-
man.
The Santor strolled
around the ship and
and after checking on
all the equipment said
in a gruff voice', 'Will
sherun7'
"You can give her a
tIy," replied Bob, "they
built 'em to last in
those days"
They walked to the
bridge and Alexon,
which was the San-
____________ ..... _____ ....J tor's name, sat down
heavily in front of the ComSole and
ran through the initiating sequence for
start up. Santorians had brilliant
teclmical minds and it only took Alex-
on ten minutes to find the start
and he was also too lazy to go any-
wheree1se.
Well not really anywhere else; the
iguana left yzorderex, affectionately
known as Joiomo, just long enough to
the underground parking lot of the
shopping mall in the Middle of the
Universe. Alexon jerked his titanium
envelopes and went charging into the
restaurant. MaIvin guessed that Alex-
on was part of the multi-galactic cartel
U.P.S.
In a few minutes Alexon carne cart-
wheeling out of the restaurant and
after three cartwheels landed with a
really super cool back flip into the
space portal and away they went. As
they left the mall and were just begin-
ning to pick up speed, they became
caught behind a huge bulk freighter
with a heavy load, creeping at a mere
fraction of light speed. The intensity of
Alexon's smoking pulses increased
exponentially and directly proportion-
ally as his impatience grew. The San-
tor finally became fed up and tried to
blow the #$%A?@&* ship out of the
sky. He fired his puny Zarcionic parti-
cle pulse beams at the freighter. This
did about as much damage to the
cargo ship as a gnat to a Malorian
toptgop beast. Still. the did
notice and slowly it turnecf its multi-
directiona1, Teflon coated, hydrogen-
injected, neon-colored. swivel-based
tetraIytonic guns, and opened fire. A
full frontal blast by this Hi-Tech war
machine would have undoubtedly
have caused as much damage as a
Malorian toptgop beast would to a
gnat, but fortunately the freighter's
ship firing dude was under the influ-
ence and missed Joiomo by kilome-
ters. Alexon, being a Santorlan, pan-
icked and screamed into the upper
atmosphere of a nearby class-M plan-
et. were going much too fast for
Marvin's tastes. The Santor sweIVed
but to 'che\.V and SPe\.V a Big Red and
the iguana would oollapse dead.' He
no longer had the ice fear in his heart
but felt the red hot warrior's blood
pulsing through his corroded middle-
class arteries. He placed the gum in
his mouth with a movement reminis-
cent of Macaulay Caulkin's Oscar-
ingenious than most of his species.
This could perhaps have been due to
the high level of radiation he was
exposed to while aboard Joiomo.
However he acquired this above aver-
age intelligence was of no conse-
quence, the fact remained that he had
it Using all his enormous brain power
hard to the left to avoid a small sleigh
pulled by nine little reindeer and
almost collided head on with the plan-
et's most prized possession: the oldest
living tree in the galaxy. The people on
the planet below based their life and
culture on this magnanimous tree.
Unfortunately Joiomo's nuclear
engines, firing off millions of kilojoules
of energy, blasted the tree into zillions
of individual particles and three cheny
flavoured lollipops. The andent race
of Treeonites was devastated and that
night at exactly 9:02 p.m. the entire
population committed ritualistic belly
dandng in tight g-strings. Afterwards
they coated themselves in President's
Choice honey and dove into the enor-
mous ant holes created by these six
foot long insects. They did this to
honor the andent Treeonite prophecy:
that when the tree died all the dead of
their entire race would rejoice together
in a giant vat of tapioca pudding.

formance in
the 2001
blockbuster
hit, 'Alone
Again: He did
a triple back
flip with a half
pike and a
quadruple axle
and landed in
the iguana's
lair. Marvin
did not seem
to be
impressed by
this spectacu-
1ar display of
gymnastics, in
fact his eyes
never strayed
from the TV,
Neither Joiomo, Alexon nor Marvin
ever learnt of the after effects of their
six minute visit to that once peaceful
class-M planet. The foolhardy Alexon
just kept going and the old ship raced
on while Marvin slept. They were on
their way to deliver Alexon's second
titanium envelope when Alexon decid-
ed to check out the rest of his new
space craft. He had not gone far
before he noticed Marvin, who was
lounging around the lounge eating
Doritos and watching old episodes of
Days of our Uves. Marvin looked up
casually, and not real.izing that San-
tors were unoonditionally scared out of
their smoking ears by the mere sight
of an untamed iguana, took another
chug of Dew and in a calm, cool, laid-
back kind of voice said, "Hey isn't your
ear on fire." little did Marvin kilow
that his comment was the greatest

stopped the constant flow of Doritos to
his face, and the Dew remained pre-
cariously balanced on his forehead.
He was absorbed in the Young and the
Restless when a small wad of chewing
gum disrupted the unsteady balance
of the Dew, knocking it over and oover-
ing Marvin in its sticky yellow liquid.
Now as everyone knows, nothing is as
terrifying or vidous as a Dew drenched
iguana, and that was exactly what
Marvin was. Moving with lightning-
quick reflexes he leaped in the air
drawing his Magnum 4 foot barreled
laser suponitrnn atomic disrupter and
Chew and spit a Big Red and the iguana would
collapse dead.
affront that an iguana could ever
impart unto a Santorion. Alexon had
no other choice now but to proclaim a
blood feud on his most feared enemy,
the ferocious iguana. He realized it
would take both skill and cunning to
vanquish his dreaded foe. Marvin
went back to watching 1Y.
Alexon frantically flipped and
jumped through the ship in search of
a suita1;>le weapon. He picked up a
Trofalrv.adorian disintigrator but
dedded that it could never match the
strength of a cornered iguana. He
barely even glanced at the ionic dis-
placement grenades before he dedded
that the weapons room contained
nothing useful. He was about to give
up his search and surrender uncondi-
tionally to this, his greatest foe, when
he noticed out of the corner of his
bulging eyes a pack of Big Red. This
brought back the hazy memories of
the teachings of the Sardonian elders.
It was stated in legend that if ever one
had the misfortune to be cornered by
this noble and homc beast one had
sprayed the ventilation shaft with its
dazzling blue fire. Alexon, seeing the
iguana's attack, did a tumbling rou-
tine that was later given the first eleven
in gymnastics history. Luckily igua-
nas don't have a reputation for marks-
manship especially with weaponry
larger than they are. Alexon was bare-
ly nicked, although seemingly in the
worst place possible. He was still as
tall and as purple as always but he
was missing his right ear. Now the
right ear must be an important part of
a Santor's body, for attached to it was
the smoking device. And just what
was that smoking device was used for
one might imagine; well the answer to
that is a simple one: Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. In fact Alexan was
so busy trying not to have his mole-
cules rearranged he barely even
noticed its disappearance.
The inhuman ferodty of an enraged
iguana should never be taken lightly,
nor should its ingenuity. Marvin,
despite spending all his life in the con-
fines of a single ship, was even more
(some say that his knowledge sur-
passed even that of Albert Einstein), he
devised the singular greatest plan in
all creation; a plan that would still be
in use a millennium later. And so
came into being what would be known
to historians and great warriors alike
as "Marvin plan no.1.'", although it was
affectionately known as UHWIT."
The first usage of this plan was by
Marvin against Alexon in their hI loti
battle. It occurred tight alL r Mruvin
had shol ofT Alcxon's right ear. With
an. unearthly calm, symbolic of on of
history's greatesl moments Marvin
delivered the message. Pointing
behind Alexon's back he yelled "HEY
WHAT IS 1HA1l". Alexon immediately
turned around to see what it was.
Seizing his chance Mruvin took his 2L
bottle of pickles that all1guanas cany
in case of emergency and proceeded to
whack Alexon repeatedly on the head
with it.
When Alexon awoke he discovered
himself on a planet devoid of life, and
smelling like a mixture between a
giant bonfire and honey. It had the
appearance of recently being aban-
doned. 'Oh well', Alexon thought, 'at
least there are no 19uanas here'.
EPILOGUE:
Year 2140 the stories were being
spread throughout the known galaxy
and parts of the unknown. The tales
were of a fearless 19uana and the last
survivor of the Treeonites who was on
a quest to find the home of the andent
tree god and g).ve him the three sacred
lollipops. These were the legends of a
hero.
These were the lengends of ...
Marvin, Space Iguana
The University of Waterloo Drama Department
presents
The Country Wife
by Wm. Wycherley
Still Laughing After All These Years
More than 300 years have passed since Mr. Pinchwife,
Lady Fidget, Sir Sparkish, Dr . Quack and Old Lady
Squeamish stepped out of the mind of William Wycherley
and onto the playhouse stage outraging audiences with
their bawdy language and, at the same time, convulsing
them with the satiric wit that remains the hallmark of this
Restoration comedy - THE COUNTRY WIFE.
The plot revolves around Mr. Horner, a notorious woman-
izer, who sets in motion a rumour that he is a eunich - a
rumour that will allow him access to various husbands'
wives. One wife - Mrs. Margery Pinchwife - is naive and
unschooled in London's social world of deceit and
hypocrisy and is, therefore, a prime target for Horner's
insatiable appetite.
Countless men and women -- each after his/her own
immoral victory - manage to confuse and confound the
plot which spins wildly out of control in a manner reminis-
cent of French farce.
THE COUNTRY WIFE, set in the galmourous haute coul-
ture world of the 1950's by Bill Chesney and Jocelyne
Sobeski, boasts a cast of 18 and is a fitting conclusion to
the UW Drama Department's 25th Anniversary Season.
Joel Greenberg directs the play and Terry Tremeer
designs the lighting.
PERFORMANCES: March 16-19,8 pm
TICKET PRICES:
RESERVATIONS:
$1 0 general public
$8 students/seniors
Theatre Box Office,
Hagey Hall. 885-4280
-"
WATERLOO
~
OT,norl'
I,,{om,atlol/ (all
885-4280
Drama's 25th Anni versary Season
1993-94 DRAMA DEPARTMENT PRESENTS
~ ~ o
lfe
0.:
March 16 - 19, 8:00 p
. . . ~ ...... ... .. " ..
Theatre.of the Arts
Malibu Stacey - Zorn's Lemon (debut album)
Martin Zagorsek
Malibu Stacey are a Cocaf btl1Ui, wfwse mem-
bers (rropfie, Mik.? atuf Scott) are alC students
fiere at 'llW ytfter being f;()getfier for a few
montfis, jamming ana pCaying a few smarr
pCaces arouna campus, tfiey cfecUfea to get a
bit more serious, recora a C'D ana go after
some bigger venues. tJ3y tfiis point tfiey 've put
togetfier a fair bit of original materiaG ana
nave fuuf enough time to fine-tune it, so tfiey
went into the stuaio /(nowing what they
wantetf f;() M.
that tliis creates. On the one fuuf it s great f;()
fiave tfiat /(ituf of aiversi-ty on an album, 6ut
it often seems {ik.? 1'm listening f;() two t!iffer-
ent 6wufs. It couCtf also be that there are too
few songs to start summing up wnat tlie
1 ftCt privifegec getting one of tfie first ever
copies of the upcoming cfebut album. yt copy
of tfie stutfio master was in my handS, before
they hat! even Jinishea the JinaC mil(} (you
wouCa thin/( 1 haa fnentfs in the bana or
something.) ytnyfiow, having seen tfie bana
perform ave, I haa eagerCy been awaiting
their stutfio wor/(a[ term.
group is about in terms of
styCe. 'Two funl0 tliree
grunge, maybe future songs
wiC{ come in as more
ambiguous insteaa of Jit-
ting into one compartment
or tfie otfier.
In any case, as itufivitfual
songs, tliey aCC stana up
reaCCy weC{. rrliey sauna
gooa at first, ant! /(eep
growing on you tlie more
you liear tliem. ytfter
about ten passes tlirougli
tlie aemo tape in tlie Cast
few weeKJ, tfie famuiarity
on{y atftfs f;() the songs
1'm not even beginning to
be borea witli any of tfiem.
rrlie official wort! is, tlie
fJJie C'D wifC have five original songs on it, as
weC{ as a dip from ({John Zorn IS Lemon JJ
thrown in just for fun. 'Two of the songs,
((CalC" atuf "what 'Do You Want g..{pw?" are
hara funk.. a Ca Chuipeppers, but with a true
fun/(guitar atuf a gooa fast pace. fJJie otfier
three, "1 aitfn't ((1 1(now" atuf ('Jt[C
My Life II are more of a grunge sty{e, bringing
names Smasliing PumpKins ana PearC
Jam to minc[o
tRotli styles war/( we{C on tlie album, but I
stiCC can 't cfecUfe if I Cik.? tfie spCit personality
C'lJ wi[ be out on Marcli 25th, witli a C'lJ-
!R.!-fease party in PO'E'TS tliat niglit. 'Tlie
bana wiC{ afso be pfaying at 'Taf-'Eng on
9.1arcli 12th, whicli wi[ fiopefu{{y introauce a
wicfer auaience to their sounc ana is incUfen-
ta[y a great pwe f;() cfiec/( tfiem out for your-
self!
Agnes of GOC"
March 2-51994
Studio 180, Hagey Hall
T
here are few more pleasant meth- by Ms. Little, who conveys the inno-
ods of procrastinating than free cence and fear of the disturbed girl
entertainment, especially when movingly. Ms . Little should also be
the entertainment is of the calibre of commended for her skill in performing
the UW Drama Department's produc- the Latin hymns and prayers, sung
tion of John Pielmeier's Agnes of God. entirely a capella. Ms. McLean's Moth-
Agnes of God is a thought-provoking er Miriam Ruth is memorable as the
drama that presents its audience with down-to-earth nun "with a past
D
who
conflicts between faith and reason, swears and confesses to craving ciga-
between innocence and knowledge, rettes.
between duty and compassion. The The set is simple, but is really all
roles are challenging, and the actresses that is needed, since so much of the
have portrayed them effectively and audience's attention is focused on the
inspiringly. tension and emotion of the unravelling
Agnes, played by Krista Paige Little, mystery. The performance takes place
is a young nun accused of murdering in "Studio 180", a cosy studio in Hagey
her newborn child. Alanna McLean Hall that seats only about 60 people,
plays Mother Miriam Ruth, the Mother around the perimeter of the set. This
Superior who must deal with the scan- lends an air of intimacy to the drama,
dal, and protect Agnes, her "daughter", since much of the action takes place lit-
from the insensitivity of the court. The erally under your nose, and the actress-
role of the court psychiatrist, Dr. Liv- es even make eye contact with members
ingstone, is played by Lesley Dowey. of the audience on occasion. I almost
Ms. Dowey is convincing in her por- felt like I was intruding on the privacy
trayal of the cynical, chain-smoking, of the characters.
cold-hearted psychiatrist (faintly remi- Altogether, a professional perfor-
niscent of Dr. Lilith Crane) who finds mance by a fine group of actresses.
her objectivity regarding the case (Seriously though, I would have enjoyed
destroyed by her lifelorig resentment of it just as much even if I had paid for
convents and the Catholic Church, and my ticket, and even if they hadn't men-
by her compassion for the innocent and tioned IW in the program!)
abused Agnes. Agnes is superbly acted
Ho-Ho
Ha-hal
A whiff of spring is sensed at last,
After long dark months of icy blasts--
So cold--
So whIte --
And such long nights.
That when It comes again
Spring seems surreal
And thoughts are turned from labs
Mid-terms essays and lectures
To
Shorts,
No jackets,
Someone special - for everyone -
And
NO MORE EXAMS:
You think it's only when you're young?
Dream on
Young engineer --
You will get over her
EspeCially when she teases you
And disappears
Again
Leaving you in the cold
With grey wet slush and cloudy skies
Which are immune to 011 your cries --
So you get bock to work agoin
Bereft and cleft
Between hope and dispair
Hawk;
His childhood was un-eventful He did childhood things in a child-
hood way, and slowly passed through the learning process each of
us embraces on our way to young adulthood. Throughout this ~
od he established himseff as one of the group. In school and in
social life and in all things imporlant, yet not so imporlant, he tried
not to disrupt or to upset Moderate is a word for such a person. He
fit in.
A time of change came when he was to choose his life's devo-
tion. He questioned the direction he seemed to be heading
because its rewards were fuzzy and its devotions foreign. His mind
did not yet have the understanding necessary to choose, but he
chose anyway. Then one eventful day he entered the temple and
solidified in his own mind the dedication and perseverance needed
to succeed. He would do this thing and pass onto better and
greater endeavours, in better and greater places.
The initiation was difficult and confusing. There was so much to
leam, so many customs to embrace. Yet the teachers were friendly,
and a strong guiding hand was present when required, so he made
it. The beginning roads to education and understanding taken, he
was ready to fully embrace his chosen devotion. With solemn
chants and intricate motions, the teachers led him further into the
temple than he had ever been pennitted to go before.
The decor changed. It became sharp and defined, devoid of
gray.
The teachers led him before the three scared doors. Along with
his fellow brothers and sisters he was made to kneel. The left and
right doors were plain and nonnal. They did not attract the eye, nor
could they capture a momentary glance. The centre door was
none of these things; it was amazing. Guilded with gold and silver,
its eminence brightened the hall and overwhelmed the senses. He
found it difficult to keep his eyes averted for very long, so great was
its attractive powers.
One by one his teachers passed by his kneeling form and
walked the path leacing to the centre door. It is your d10ice they
told him. You may take whichever door your wish but we hope you
will take the centre one. You would be a fool not to. As they began
to pass through the doolWc1y and into the unknown space behind,
they ead1l00ked back to see who would follow. He watched the
man at the front of his little group rise and follow, and then the
woman off to his right. One by one ead1 student rose and followed
the tead1ers through the doolWc1y and into the brightly lit space
beyond.
"
Yet questions presented themselves to him. Why had no-one
looked neither left nor right before deciding? It had not been stated
that the decision must be made without looking. A quick peek into
the other Mo doors might well lead him to greater rewards than the
centre. But certainly one of the teachers had explored the other two
options before, for what intelligent person would blindly take a path
each day and never wonder what was to the right or left. Yet, on the
other hand, what possible reason could the teachers have for lead-
ing their students astray. They must have their best interests in
mind, and so then the middle door was the proper choice. It looked
the most inviting and must offer the greatest rewards. Or did it?
Indecision racked his mind Should he suffer chance, or tread on
the coat-tails of the group. Where did his fate lie? At that moment
the worship began and its sound carried through the door and back
to him. The power and safety in the chants had such ability to
enfold and engulf. Yet he was a little repulsed. Such a powerful
force must demand a strict sacrifice of rationality and personal free-
dom in exchange for such protection.
He decided he liked his newly developed self. The teachers had
taught him of his worth and importance to the group, yet he had
leamed of his worth and importance to himself. He rose and
walked slowly to the right hand door. Opening it, he saw where it
led. The passageway tumed and made its way back the way he
came. To him this was no option, forward was where experience
lay, and it was this that he chased above all because with it comes
learning.
Closing the door carefully, he made his way to the left door.
Behind it lay a staircase, leading off into the darkness. Indecision
struck again and he felt fear. To attempt the unknown alone took
courage, and he was unsure of his. He mounted the stair anyway,
for by this time the rest of the students had passed through the
guided door and no longer waited for him to follow.
He dimbed for a short time and began to walk down a level pas-
sage. Very soon he came to an over-looking balcony that allowed
him to view the chamber that lay behind the centre door. His tead?-
ers and fellow students were rowing before their deity, chanting the
traditional rights and drinking and eating the traditional holy foods.
In all their rapture they did not see him pass over-head. He wan-
dered why there was no door out of the chamber, for obviously
there lay further experience up ahead of him. He initially wondered
why they did not question their situation, yet he soon forgot
The future made the question irrelevant.
turopean Log, 'lJay 167
All of this, built by human faith. A building whose sole
purpose is the worship of God, and its beauty and mag-
nificence dwarfed most castles and palaces. The
absence of function merely freed the building from any
constraints. It didn't have to cater to humans, provide
little rooms for them to sleep in, or bright walls to cheer
them up. The architects had aimed instead to inspire
and awe any who saw their work: awe before the cathe-
dral, awe before God.
I felt very small. The reddish stone structure loomed in
the centre of the square, towering over the little market
stalls hawking their beer and sausages. The gothic
frenzy of arched windows, bas-reliefs and gargoyles
only added to the effect: not only was this building
unbelievably massive, it also looked infinitely complex.
You could spend hours just staring at the arched
entrance, and only the promise of even more within
drew me onwards.
Inside, for the first few minutes, I could see nothing.
The dark sobriety of the interior felt appropriate for a
cathedral, and contrasted sharply with the sunny
weather outside. The air, too, was cool and smelled like
stone. There was no artificial lighting, and there were
fewer windows than in any other cathedral I had seen.
Or maybe there were more, but their light was simply
lost in the sheer volume of the place. I took a few steps,
listening. The acoustics were eerie. Most sounds pro-
duced little echo, since the walls were so far away that
the sound faded out long before it could make the
round trip. But here and there bits of sound
would somehow get magnified by some
quirk of the shape of the walls, and far-
away whispers and mumbles would
sound as if they came from inches away.
Once my eyes adjusted, I wasn't disap-
pointed. Hardly an inch of the building
was unadorned. The core of the build-
ing was of course the oldest, and the
simplest, its arches and their intricate
grooves and patterns looking austere
next to the phenomenal murals and
painted ceilings of the side aisles. The
structure became more complex and ornate
the further outward I looked. Pillars
became swirled rope, and for a second it
looked like the floor was hanging from the ceiling.
The outer sections contained the most intricate work.
Small chapels with gold-framed paintings were tucked
into the outer walls, microcosms of beauty hidden in
alcoves, treasures to be found by inquisitive visitors.
As I shuffled across the centre floor, I wondered what
had made this possible. European society can barely
muster the resources to restore these behemoths, let
alone build their like. Yet, hundreds of years ago, with
only the tiniest fraction of the wealth and technology
available today, virtually every city built and main-
tained a church or cathedral of some size or shape, usu-
ally the best they could afford. A cynic would call it
proof of the political power of the Church at the time,
but, standing in the middle of this fantastic cathedral, I
simply couldn't believe that.
Nothing like this could be merely a product of someone's
lust for power. The sculptures and stonework spoke of
love, faith, reverence and devotion. Even if there had
been people who had used those drives to further their
own ends, this building'S source and inspiration was
ultimately those passions, and not the greed of a few
manipulators. Raw lust for power never bred such
detail, such unnecessary, beautiful detail.
I took a closer look at some of the sculptures. Figures
nat even twelve tall, absurdly small and fine in a
building of these propartions. They were dimly lit from
belaw, and the light added to the sadness already
etched into their features. They looked so weary, perse-
cuted. They spoke of sambre faith, endurance of their
earthly burdens,
patiently awaiting
the afterlife.
A crucifix caught my
eye, although it was
nearly last in the
detail .of a large,
intricately carved
wall panel. Again,
the light cast sharp
shadaws that .only
added ta the classic
suffering .of Christ's
face. As pawerful an
impress ian he made
on me now, I couldn't
begin to imagine
how much mare
intense the experi-
ence wauld have
been withaut the years of mass-media desensitization I
had gone through. No wonder the medieval Eurapeans
were sa inspired, so devated. Mast of them had little to
their name, and they wauld come inta cathedrals like
these and be utterly overwhelmed by the power of these
images. With their physically miserable existence, they
had .only their faith, and their hape far a better warld
after death, to sustain them.
We have came a lang way since those days, as far
as .our material lives ga. We live longer, eat
better, and lead generally more camfartable
lives. And yet, .our ancestors have by far
autdane us, and put .our toy houses to
shame with their architecture's
grandeur. What is it that we have lost,
along the way tawards better lives? We
should have more time and energy for
such creations, not less, and yet the
architects starve while s ubdiuisions
full of identical houses populate the
suburban hell. Is this our punishment
for abandoning faith ? Has our love of
beauty been dulled by our wealth? Or has
the canstant bombardment of information
caused us to raise that dullness as a shield,
and hide behind its quiet for the sake of our sani-
ty. Whatever the reasons, samewhere along the way
true beauty has been drowned, last in the noise.
Moments like these remind me of the magnitude .of that
lass.
Reluctantly, I walked back out the main entranceway
and was pramptly blinded by the sunlight. The market-
place faded into view slowly as my eyes adjusted. A
good thing, too, since it gave me some time to adjust to
the disappointment .of seeing the real city .once again.
The city buildings were by no means ugly, in fact many
were quite pretty in a rustic sort of way. But next to the
they looked like dollhouses glued together by
children out of scraps of old boxes.
I left Strasbaurg that afternoon, still somewhat in the
clauds, and digested my day as I stared out of the train
windaw. Samewhere, the saul of the cathedral's archi-
tect must have smiled for a moment. Hundreds of years
later, his work had had its effect, undiminished by the
years, even magnified by them. I had seen the cathe-
dral, and it had made me think. It had made me think
abaut what I think, abaut what I believe about human
nature, and about what motivates me ta da what I da in
my own life. It had awed and inspired me. What more
could any artist want?
Jiva