HAVE YOU BEEN VIOLATED AND EXPERIMENTED ON? HAS YOUR REASON BEEN ABDUCTED?

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NEW-WAGE DANGERS...
The following piece, which I wrote in 1994 and eventually put in Cosmic Relief, was inspired, at least stylistically, by numerous "alien abduction checklists" that appeared in various metaphysical newsletters and free magazines back in the early to mid-1990s. The abduction hysteria was at its height then, fueled in part by a Roper poll commissioned in 1991 to determine how many folks in the U.S. might have been tinkered with by aliens. Nearly 6,000 people were polled, and 119 answered in a way that the pollsters interpreted as supporting the ET theory of the abduction phenomenon. Based on this figure, they estimated that nearly four million Americans might have been abducted by ETs. Nearly a decade and a half later, the alien abduction phenomenon seems to have died down a little, but, curiously enough, my "New-Wage practitioner" list still seems remarkably current. Although certain trends and practices such as the sweat-lodge craze have abated somewhat, they're still going strong in some circles, as new-age entrepreneurs continually find ways to exploit "native wisdom." Also, if I were writing the piece today I probably would have used the term "multi-level marketing" in Item 1, rather than "network marketing," though the latter is still widely used. And I almost certainly would have added a mention of the glorified infomercial, The Secret, which has become a cult hit among hustledorks, hustledork wannabes, and random seekers of happiness and enlightenment. But as for everything else in the lists below... well, the more things change....

A Checklist That Can Help You Answer the Question, "Whats Happening to Me?"
By Jannah Morningstar Werling-Dervish, B.S., M.S., P.U., A.C.D.C.*

Just how many people may have been violated by New-Wage practitioners / ideas? Two of every five American adults indicate they may have had an experience with the New-Wage Movement, according to Doper Organization polls sponsored by the Impostors Foundation. Maybe you are among these two in five. Victims often feel brutally abused and violated and powerless, yet somehow also empowered and energized; the undercurrents of euphoria and confusion can be so great that lives and relationships, not to mention the English language itself, are completely distorted. You might have a general sense that something is happening to you which no one can quite understand, including yourself, but you may also find that your lack of understanding does not prevent you from joining discussion groups whose members babble about being "edge thinkers" and co-creators of a wonderful new era of cooperation and harmony and glowing altruism. But the most significant symptom is finding yourself in a home-based business whose very survival depends upon suckering badgering recruiting your relatives, friends, associates, your third-grade teacher and anything else on two legs. Like other forms of trauma, the New-Wage abduction experience is trapped in the brain cells, and the resulting disorder interrupts physical and emotional health until it is released and resolved.

Indications of Possible New-Wage Contact

Primary Symptoms: waking up in the middle of your life and finding yourself in a network marketing plan that promises fulfillment, financial independence, a chance to transform the world into a better place, and an opportunity to help your relatives and friends find the joy youve found. waking up in the middle of the night with a feeling that the universe is "supporting" you in this endeavor. discovering multiple boxes of bizarre merchandise in your spare bedroom, and mystifying holes in your checking account. conversations that don't make sense. discovering puzzling new words in your vocabulary without understanding them or remembering where they were acquired. chronic use of words such as "passion," "vision," "mission" and "bliss," particularly in relation to your home-based business. Secondary Symptoms: waking up and finding yourself locked in a hotel conference room for a whole weekend with 300 other people, all of whom seem to be (1) on fire to Follow Their Bliss; or (2) in need of Validation or Healing; or (3) all of the above. a fondness for the words "powerful" and "sacred." a compulsive desire to walk across hot coals, do weird things with ropes, go on Vision Quests or sit naked in sweat lodges with a bunch of other naked whining yuppies. incessant repetition of Affirmations. a new sense of "bodily awareness" that causes you to believe every trauma you have ever suffered in every lifetime is stored in each and every one of the cells in your body, and the only cure for this is to be pawed or prodded or slapped around by some soft-spoken "alternative therapist" who has a whole alphabet of dubious credentials after her or his hyphenated or fake-Native-American name. the conviction that a new, more highly-evolved species of humanity is developing and is possibly being aided in this development by extraterrestrials - and that you, or at least your children (who are all named "Hunter" or "Ashleigh" or "Austin" or

"Jordan" or "Madison" or "Taylor") are among this rarefied group.

New-Wage Trauma Can Be Healed By:

using your brain cells for something besides the following: storing traumas; watching infomercials; and accepting dinner or party invitations from people who would normally not give you the time of day.

Published in Cosmic Relief: Honoring & Celebrating The Global Paradigm Shaft

* aka Connie L. Schmidt copyright 1994

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