ST JEN

Katry Rain

St Jen A novel Katry Rain by

Prelude You take a tree and you cut it neat at its base with a number eight

chainsaw. Then strip it of its leaves and branches to make a fitting package for rough transit on the log truck. Neither rain nor talk nor skid will shake the 28-wheeler from its appointment, the leaden driver dark in the cab making a the weigh station declines a look.

pretty buck for his trouble. He has a face but few see iteven the captain of Hard at the mill, take that bygone tree from its steely bed, run it through

a ripper to rid it of its bark. Fearfully naked, its ready to be sectioned by the saw. As its moist green flesh tastes the spinning blade, some rummy slaptard sweeps away the sawdust with a broom.

known as prime stackability, load it onto a pallet and truck it on over to a lumber yard. Only it isnt a lumber yardits a prison.

Take that hunk of tree, dissected now to fit the rude category of efficacy

what have you got? Who can recognize innocence on the face of that which has been milledin order that we may build our good society? Tell me, so that I may also believe. So saith Jennifer Knox in her heart of hearts.

You take a man and you run him through the same paces as the tree and

What Am I? Youre staying with your Aunt Summer in Big Sur, lost among the

Chapter 1

redwoods and endless groves of California live oak, cougars on the prowl and rattlesnakes quavering nervously underfoot. Summer is out on the wet rear deck of the cabin, shoeless, her proud mane straggly under the in the doorway to greet her.

downpour. Shes just returned from a hard walk in the woods and you stand Weve got to get him out, she cries, her eyes dripping with falling rain. Shes at the end of her tether and its chafing her neck something fierce.

Her good man Dwayne, former jive-ass black and one-time car thief and lately poet and jack-of all trades, had been plucked from the woods by Homeland Security because his anti-war blog allegedly gave aid and comfort to the enemy. This more modern and refined little Kristalnacht was hard to

recognize because it wasnt happening wholesale in well-known precincts

but in discrete and isolated neighborhoods across the country. Cul-de-sacs, the fifth or sixth floors of nondescript apartment buildings and such. These no-see-ums were biting but apparently the country has yet to feel the itch. You, hot-shot Chicago lawyer, want to stamp out the pestilence before it

grows so great that no balm will relieve it. Your first customer: your aunts he?

long-time partner and lover, Dwayne. But where the living bleeding hell is Youre holding a massive white towel and as she steps toward you,

you take her hand and draw her inside, wrapping the towel around her and hopefully comforting embrace. Doesnt she feel good, the wet heat now

wrapping your arms around the towel, holding her in a deeply affectionate, radiating through the towel into your receptive body. Shes ages wiser than you, this singular old skirt, and helped you out of a jam when your world was caving in all around you, but now you feel equal to the task of taking a little care of her. Like a Broadway understudy waiting in the wingswhen the star folds and you step into the limelight, you come into your own. She

lets you; she trusts you. And maybe now, finally, you have a measure of trust in yourself. You make some coffeethe two of you have lived on it for months

while she changes into dry clothes. When the java is ready she comes into the kitchen with a towel wrapped around her hair, looking every bit like a queen of the Tigris. Though pushing sixty, she was still a handsome woman and like your mother, bore something regal about her, even when she was knocking out coarse lines of Ferlinghetti for friends at parties or on her though the unpracticed eye took no notice. You hand her a cup. Not everything. knees sifting the russet dirt in the garden. Even the redwoods saluted her, Thanks, Jennifer, she says. Youve tried everything.

chair next to her place on the sofa. Youve got an idea?

You go with her into the rustic living room, sitting in an old overstuffed

a plausible denial. Im not finished, Summer; Im just starting.

Asking a lawyer if shes got an idea is like asking a politician if hes got Her mood seems to lift with your words. She was on the rain-soaked trail

for an hour or more and though she may be the most composed woman youve ever known, the look on her face when she returned seemed several degrees you he was the strongest man shed ever met, you surmised that she was she told you about this reserved and gentle man twenty years her junior short of panic. She must love that damn Dwayne. And because she once told drawing from that in order to be strong for his sake. You remember the story being set upon in prison many years ago because he wouldnt do someones slowly, methodically, until it snapped, then twisted more, and still he

biddinghaving been held down and his leg twisted by two brute prisoners, wouldnt yield. Wiry little Dwayne with a budding paunch and a mellifluous voice to match his mandolin, was a veritable lionnot only to her, but even somewhat to you. Dwayne, who would do anything for her, lay his life down for herthis was a man worth saving. Yes, maybe all men are worth saving,

in your view at least, even if some of them arent worth all that much. They seem to rise to the occasion if someone actually cares. So whats your idea? she asks.

turned over has been turned. Even the call to Governor Clary back in Illinois came up zip. The new senator, too.

Huh? Oh. Well, you know that just about every stone that could be

Morgan. Anyway, the Senators a Republican and believes the Patriot Act is saving the country from destruction, so I didnt expect much from him. So? Whos left? Grant Morgan.

Yes, the seat I wouldve hadif I hadnt gotten mixed up with Grant

passion for Morgan, his belated confession to you of murderor at least going along with itand how youd returned to him the pearl necklace that had symbolized love, devotion, and maybe even ownership. But all that was over now, wasnt it. Or would a more precise rendering be that disillusionment had grown stronger than love? I thought youd washed your hands of that man.

You see the surprise on her face. She knew all about your reasonless

Hes like Mohammed: if the mountain wont go to him, hell go to the mountain. Thus all things are possible. possibly do? So what are you suggesting? Hes in prison now himself. What could he I dont know. If I dont believe in him as a man anymore, I still believe in Youre not afraid of him?

I thought so, too. But lets face ithe knows how to get things done.

him as a mover of men. Its worth a chanceIve tried everything else.

keep loving him, but enough to trust him. She puts her hand on yours.

He told me hes changed, and I almost believe him. Maybe not enough to

be careful.

I think youll find that love isnt that easy to shake. But promise me youll

that much faith in his ability to snap his fingers and make the world turn

Why do you think that Grantll be able to help you? Do you have

faster? Maybe you figure the prison grapevine with tendrils across the nation might turn up some information no one on the outside is privy to. Is that it? But theres another problem, isnt there. Why should he help you, you who walked out on him as he sat dismal and friendless in his shabby cell thing preventing him from spitting in your faceor worsewould be a glass partition. Do you dare face his rancor? awaiting trial? If you were to go see him now, entreat him, maybe the only

him that you would have followed him to Timbukfuckingtu and back if only he had stayed on the right side of the lawyour side, the one you

Yet you loved him once. No, scratch that. You were so in love with

had dedicated your life to, not to mention your soul. He had betrayed you, the same man who had made your body awaken from its sleep, made you feel more a woman than you thought possible, filled you with a strange something from an indiscreet catalog?to release your excited nerve incandescence that had yet to be extinguished. Even now you resort to endings from their agonizing thrill. And though its beginning to humiliate opened, who can close it again? Precious few really want to. Shes holding one herself, and brimming, too. A sou for your thoughts, she says.

you, you cant conceive of stopping, can you. Once Pandoras Box has been Summer comes into your room in the loft with a glass of wine for you.

Youve become almost like sisters, so parallel do your minds run sometimes, in tandem with your blood. Yet arent there still a few private reflections become through Grants insistent tutelage, what could she possibly do better left unspoken? Were you to tell her just how carnal a being youve with that information? God forbid she should start interpreting innocent

Are you blushing? And yet youve already talked about this with Summer.

comments, gestures, as being erotically chargedthough admit it, Jen, it

sometimes seems they are, doesnt it. What have you become? Not an ample

and accomplished loveron the contrary, its likely you see yourself more like some ravenous beast, a rank succubus maybe, a borderline nympho? The thought was laughable but youre not laughing, are you. And although Summer told you that she had tempered her own passions and you thought there. to learn from her, so far the result has beenwell, theres been no result, has Summer, how can I separate Eros from love? I want to love with a faithful That again? Honey, he must have been quite a man. But I think its more

heart and still satisfy the greedy animal.

likely that he introduced you to yourself and you found out you were quite a woman.

before the night is over.

The wine is good, and youre sure youll have another, and maybe another, Its still a mystery to me. You once said you tamed your desires. Maybe I never said I tamed them, I said I channeled them in more productive

thats what Ive got to do.

directions. There is no taming, believe me, unless you want to work as a anything else.

cleaner or social worker for sixty hours a week and theres nothing left for Ill pass on that.

Then I hate to say it, but were left with one wordsublimate. It sounds damn tawdry. Like ol Shakespeare said, only thinking makes it so. Dont take the

business of the body so seriously, Jen. When you tuck into a plate of sushi are you thinking of your molars grinding it all up and your tongue mixing it with saliva in preparation for being squeezed down your esophagus to

or a slice of strawberry cheesecake, are you thinking of your enjoyment or

the waiting gastric juices of the stomach? Nobody says, eating is tawdry. the process that gets us there. When you do pro bono work for the poor, you dont say, In doing this Im dissipating my sexual urges, so its so

Why? Because we focus on what were doing, not what its doing, it being

damn vulgar, isnt it. No, youd go mad if you start second-guessing life by

examining every little mechanism that propels you. What you do instead is enjoy the ride. She nudges you, as if to ask, How about it?

never leaving you alone?

But dont you ever get tired of themthe urgesalways goading you, Its the most natural thing in the world, dear. Without them, the human Would that be such a bad thing, I wonder.

race would never have survived.

yourself and what you are. What am I?

Stop that. Dont even entertain such a thought, or youll end up hating

She finishes off her wine. Shes quick that way. question only you can answer.

What you are to me, I know very well. But what you are to yourself is a Once I knew. I dont anymore.

Then youve got your work cut out for you, dont you.

What Is a Woman? The next morning youre on a plane to Chicago. You havent seen

Chapter 2

your mother or your daughter for months, though you phone often. Your mother gives you the time of day, your daughter Sandra, barely. Youd

hoped that your absence would make her miss you or something akin to it, but shes so wrapped up in her ratty boyfriend Zack that youre more of a third wheel than anything else. In spite of your courageous declaration of

honesty to her before you left, maybe it was a mistake to tell her your true opinion of Zack, though she had asked for it. Shes nearly fifteen now and she needs to feel that her choices in life have some merit. You knew that and believed it; its just that she, not unlike you, seemed to let her allegiance to the hormonal dance do her thinking for her, and her judgment, in this case at least, was all wrong. Try explaining that to a teenager in love and see where it gets you. Thats right. Nowhere. Lets not forget that your mother was disappointed in YOUR choice

when she found out you were seeing Grant Morgan, town bad boy and lately inmate in Stateville Prison. Youd knocked back her choice for

youNick, the insufferable Greek god-like attorney from your former law practicethough you had let him ride you like you were a mare in heat those two unforgettable Saturdays, the memory of which still gives you a

frigging tinglewhy is that? Why does abandoning oneself to passion and

being taken to its delirious heights by a skillful tactician you dont even like become such an all-encompassing experience, as if it were something other than raw biology dressed in a frock. God, it could be mortifying. Surely a woman could set her sights higher than that.

on the plane youre sipping scotch before lunch? Is it your troubling parade your feelings are neutral as you ask him to help you help Summer find

You had a margarita in the airport loungeeleven a.m.and now

of thoughts making it so, or maybe the prospect of facing Grant, pretending Dwayneeven get him out, if such a thing were possible in times like these.

10

bulletproof you from further melancholy. That wont work, of course, but and-coming attorney, lately reduced to workaday rural denizen and long-

Lunch in first class is tolerable, and youve asked for wine to

what else do you have right now? You, Jennifer Knox, once Chicagos updistance motherwhy had passion, which should have led you to the pure land, instead thrown you out of yourself, made you a stranger in your own mind? In your mile-high inebriation the words of Khayyam come to you: Ah love, could you and I with him conspire, to grasp this sorry scheme of things entire You, like the lamenting poet, longed for a reckoning

where the hearts desirein your case not the twats, in Summers words might win out. You were no slave to yours, you hasten to add to this little merry-go-round in your mind, but only to the deep and soulful emotions its exquisite sensations generated within your heart, your fertile imagination. Maybe Summer was right when she said that were shameless I WANT choosing, not othersseemed right, too. But how?

creatures. Her prescriptionthat the only way to love was selflesslyat our Face it, everything you gave Grantyour entire being, it felt

likewas because of the breathless joy of basking in the power of his

presence. You thrilled to the way he enflamed you, then quenched your thirst somehow, making you feel whole. You gave because you got; do you deny it? How can you call that love? To get a calculated return on your investment surely comes from the selfish song of the genes, Jen,

those wicked masters who compel us to do their bidding. Isnt that what

you believe? If everything is done to get a returnpositive reinforcement, psychologists call itour survival is maximized but what of our dignity? There was nothing the least bit spiritual about it, was there, though you

gilded it beautifully. And without spirit, what was a woman but a lump of

flesh yearning for fulfillment? And yet now, here on this airplane thirty-five you still love Grant. So whats that supposed to mean? Are your excited nerve endings still longing to do their duty and cause those euphoric

thousand feet above the buffalo-less plains, you come to the realization that

chemicals to be released in your brainthe mad endorphins!so that you

11

might always be at the ready because you feel so in love? What optimal circumstances for the conception of offspring! Theres the biology right there, damn it. But youre not a brood mare, youre a woman. And this leads you back to the very question you asked yourself when you first met Grant Morgan: what is a woman?

Youre not going to do it.

I am, Mother. I have no choice.

Hasnt he caused you enough trouble? life and Summers happiness.

Theres more at stake here than my trouble. Its a question of Dwaynes My sisters strong. She can take care of herself.

In matters of the heart, no one is strong. Not really. being perfectly rational and not getting through to you. She looks surprised.

Your mother clicks her tongue in that way she does when she feels shes And besides, you add, Im doing it for myself as well. Youre not considering giving him another throw of the dice, are you? What about me? Dont I reflect you?

Hardly. Its just that hes like a mirror that reflects who I am back to me. There was genuine concern in her voice that seemed to call for a merciful Of course you dosince I was old enough to see. Maybe I just want to be Dont trust what a manll show you. The picture hell draw is what he That may be only half true.

reply.

shown another facet, thats all. thinks you want to see.

you know.

Dont you think no lie is better than half a lie? I always told you the truth, Painfully so, sometimes.

it yourself.

Thats what mothers are fordelivering the painful truth. Im sure you do

12

occasional lucid description of a reality they just dont see?

She had you there. How else do you whip a kid into shape without the In any case, Im going to see Grant tomorrow. He may have connections

I need, and if I do take a peek into his mirror, Ill take what I see with a grain of salt.

in your eyes. I dont want to say I told you so but I will.

You do that, since your mind is made up. Just dont come back with stars Its nice to know that your mother hasnt changed since youve been away. Sandra comes home from school and goes directly up to her room. Sandra! you call up the stairway. Youre here already? She sticks her head out the bedroom door. I told you last night on the phone.

She comes out and pads nonchalantly down the stairs. Youve been drinking, she says as you embrace her. everything. Ive missed you, too. So come on, lets sit down. I want to hear She seems as distant as ever, a state emerging as soon as Jack, your ex,

waltzed out the door with pretty little Paulaand youd like to blame him

for Sandras distance but it could just as well be her benign teenage desire to thats a good one. Now youre living in the woods and your biggest recent only just.

carve out a territory separate from her overachieving mother. Overachieving, accomplishment was surviving Summers makeshift Indian sweat lodge Im really just an ordinary person. What? she asks. Huh? Oh, nothing. Sit down; I want to hear about your music. You and She sits dutifully and composes her thoughts, as if weighing up what she Its okay. Weve been writing some songs, and now that weve got a drum

Zack were going to start a band. Hows that going? should tell you and what she definitely should not.

13

machine, we can rock out pretty good. Hows Zack? I know you dont like him, Mother, so you dont have to pretend. hes having on you, you think to yourself.) I dont have to like him to wonder how he is. (And what effect Well, hes fine. Were both fine. Everythings fine.

in your hand. Maybe, sooner than you think, you would. Some things in life seem just too much to bear. Even for the strong.

Nothing would suit you more right now than to have a good stiff drink

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Come Forth the PrisonerBut Which? The drive to Stateville is uneventful. Youve been to prisons before,

Chapter 3

as a young criminal lawyer, so theres no mystery surrounding the place, no apprehension. Its a college campus with bars and barbed wire. The

students are told when they can or cant go to class. They eat food together from long tables in straight rows and relieve themselves in toilets without seats. It isnt even depressing anymore. Thats the beauty of being a law

school graduateone had it drummed into ones head that human misdeeds processed through the courts could become little more than minor puzzles to be solved and filed away, not major sob stories to bleed over. So all the way down the uninspiring Interstate, you dont give the penitentiaryall those impenitent soulsa thought. Instead, your mind dances around the awkward issue of meeting Grant again after all these months.

Would he himself be penitent, as he once so vehemently claimed, or would prison life have stripped him of his conscience? Your friend and apparent fan Governor Clarywho youd visited in Springfield on your return to Chicagowas magnanimous enough to arrange a private room for this

What would you say to him when you saw him? What would he say?

unscheduled visit, in lieu of you sitting phone in hand across a laminated half-ravish you before the sleepwalking guards caught on and came to

partition. In a room together with Grant he could snap your neck; he could your rescue. Were you entering a vipers den or simply renewing an old

acquaintance? Time would tell, as it always does. It was the god of ones

dreams, as it either permitted those dreams or dashed them. It would let you commune with Grant, time would, but wouldnt guarantee the result. That was for you and him to work out, two less than familiar cats put into the same cage to settle your differences. Your arrival at the prison goes smoothly enough. Every door is

opened promptlywhen the Governor speaks, people tend to prick up their ears. No man risks the wrath of Herod, down to the lowest turnkey. Theres

15

even a remembered face or two among the longsuffering staffers, although

the names were past perfect. They remember yours, though. Jennifer Knox, attorney extraordinaire and a looker, too. You get more than one mental pat on the behind as you pass through the various levels of security, and often a telling smile. It was great being a womanand not a little ridiculous as well. You were a respected guest under the aegis of the Governor and

still you were a walking piece of ass. Who was to teach you how to deal

with this crass duality? The only advice you ever got was to use it to your

advantageeven flaunt itand that from your mother. Piece of anything is a particularly disgusting description of womanhood, isnt it, Jen. In a world to come, the human race should definitely wash its mouth out with soap, but waitthats no good; theyll be bound by the same rules we are, wont they; the same compulsions? The double helix, after all, is and always will be the building block. Better that individuals get their own house in order, eh Jennifer, than to wait for utopia to come? There aint no flippin Sanny Claus, there is no Golden Key.

great Grant Morgan in prison garb and ten pounds thinner. Hes no longer a king, is he. He hasnt lost his feral look, though, and you can imagine him the process. clawing his way back up. Lets hope that doesnt require another murder in Jennifer. Grant. Youre shocked by the feeling that it was hardly a moment before that

Grant is standing when youre shown in the room. Look at him: the

you parted, as hes been rotting in here for how long now and youve been barefoot in Big Sur for what seems like ages. You look as beautiful as ever. Grant.

Sorry. Its just that I find myself overcome by the sight of you. You dont dare take in what he means. Lets sit down, you say.

16

by what might be called a coffee table. Youre stunned when a guard brings in two cups of coffee, and not in paper cups, either. Was it the Governor or you might never understand. While women preside over realms of feeling the depths of which men cant begin to plumb, when it comes to setting

You take your places in vinyl chairs, angled toward each other and fronted

was it Grant who pulled the strings? The world of men was a maze you feel

things in motion, men have definitely got the knack. Its little consolation to they say. To impress? Why do they bother? In the immortal words of your esteemed Aunt Summer, Were the ones with the pussy, Jen. Grant tries to break the ice by getting right to the point. I understand theres something you want to ask me. circumspect sip of coffee.

you that the things they do are mostly for the consideration of women, or so

That makes you feel a touch mercenary, no doubt, so you stall by taking a So, how have you been? you ask, as if youre not the selfish bitch youre Just spill it, Jennifer. Neither one of us has time for small talk. Okay, let him have it. Name it. All rightI need a favor. My aunts partner out in California, Dwayne Washington, was picked up

sure hes going to make you out to be.

by Homeland Security and we dont know where he is. I was hoping someones whereabouts in custody might get around a little and you might find that out so we can try to get him back. Dwayne Washington? Yes. Yes. Grant takes a pensive sip of coffee himself.

Out there in California? When?

They picked him upthe same week I last saw you in Chicago. I got it.

17

Do you think theres anything you can do? You have to ask me that question? Sorry.

Washington is in the good ol U.S. of A., well find him. Thank you. Of course. Ill need a little time, of course.

I told you before, I do this kind of stuff in my sleep. If this Dwayne

to. He stands. You feel damn awkward, dont you. You dont want to you sputter.

You put your cup down and stand. You dont want to go, but you have

To what? Ask you for something? A little quid pro quo, is that it, Jen? Your face is turning red, or at least it feels that way. I dont know. It doesnt feel quite fair, thats all.

Lifes not fair. And the answer is no. I dont want anything. Maybe I could put in a word with the Governor. Forget it. You taught me something, Knox. I did the unthinkable, and

for the longest time I thought it was okay. I justified it in my mind because someone was pushing me hard and they had it coming. I was wrong. You

convinced me of that. What I did, I have to pay for. So no, dont try to make it any easier on me. Remember what I said to you once? I may be no good but with you Im a damn sight better. I remember.

equally to blame. Do you believe someone can change? Make good? Then stick around. Maybe theres a lesson in it for you.

Yes, some people got killed. I as much as put Frank up to it, so were I dont know. Ive only seen people change from good to bad.

just as you always wanted him to. He senses what youre feeling because hes moving toward you and you instinctively step back. He catches your arm and pulls you to himkissing you like a convert finally let out of a dungeon and youre his bloody savior, his crucifix. When it ends, as it must, you find

You look at him deeply, the boy in him. He was speaking from the heart,

18

yourself mewling darling into his ear. Will you never learn? Im a fool, you say. No, youre a woman.

feel unseemly. No, you feel proud. Thats whats unseemly.

Is that it? A knee jerk defines you? Its not seemly. And yet you dont

intensified. The flashing arrow for barbecued ribs almost drew you in. Jesus, how the heart, the loins and the mind do conspire to bring us down. Look at youyoure ready to kneel under the Governors window and beg him killer? But he swears hes changedfor youand you want to draw him purr, I love you, you sweet Who else but the damned imagine such pleasures?

The drive back to Chicago was a kaleidoscopic blur. Every color was

to commute Grants sentence. What? Pardon the son of a pup, adjunct to a to your breast to sup of the sweet milk and bury himself in you so you can

your tolerance for just about anything theyd throw at youalways with civility or at least the veneer of it. Why was that? Was it because your remarkable success had drawn you away from them? Or maybe it was the opposite. You you away. But what did they want? One willing to put their aspirations for you above your own? That, you could never be. Your guiding star shone with raging brilliance (well, most of the time) and your eye was ever on it. Was that selfish? Your unswerving loyalty to the causeto challenge the law and beatify itmeant that you were out of step with just about

Living with your mother and Sandra for a few weeks would be a test of

had failedyou werent the person they expected you to be and they pushed

everyone. That your mother and daughter so often took exception to your selfishness on your part. Or so you thought. They just didnt see the big picture.

unexpected path was more the fault of whatthe times we live in?than

may be embarrassed to return to it now, habits are hard to break, especially

Dont blush, Jen! Youve thought this very thing before, and though you

19

those based on little more than belief. But if in fact you are egotisticalor even crazyat least maybe some good will come of it on this grand stage New Jerusalem to come. youve selected to act on: these honorable but imperfect United States. The Hes beguiled you, hasnt he, are the first words out of your mothers Weve come to an understanding, if thats what you mean. Did you let the brute kiss you? to join me? I dont see what difference it would make. Im having a brandy. Care By the color of her cheeks she was already into wine of some sort, probably

mouth when you walk in the door. Its all over your face.

the oaked chardonnay she inexplicably liked. Okay, she worries about you, and shes just trying to relax. uncharacteristic abandon.

I believe I will, she replies, falling back onto the sofa cushions with You kick off your shoes and go to the cabinet to pour the brandy.

see how long she sticks to it.

How was your drive? she asks, diplomatically changing the subject. Lets Not bad, you say over your shoulder. Theres a lot more traffic now. We learned in high school that the population of America was a hundred

Chicagos moving south, it seems.

and twenty million. Now its almost three times that. Youve got to put those people somewhere. You carry her glass to her and sit.

Aunt Summer, here was a woman who never got her hands dirty. Studied

Thanks, dear, she replies with practiced politeness. Unlike your untamed

courtesy and clean hands were indelible signs of gentilityin her world. It was a world you inherited but couldnt embrace. You relished playing for in the sheets with Nick. Why does the memory of that keep coming back revisit the most electric feelings you had ever experiencedthough you hours gloveless in the garden, and you got plenty dirty those two Saturdays to you, galling you? Was it that a part of you wanted to relive those days,

20

cant say you care for the guy? You got your hands dirty all right, and who knows if theyll ever be clean again? in town? So, dear, she says, taking a drink, does Nick know youre back

you could really talk toa man of his delicate persuasion could satisfy you in so many ways but with him gone now, those precious exchangescaresses, reallyare little more than memories. Del, your trusted assistant at the

Where are your friends, Jen? Your brother Robbie was the only one

firm, was back in law school at Cornell; your best friend Cheryl had decided long ago that being an attorney in Manhattan was the only game in town, any town; and your ex, Jack, was terminally wordless about anything but torts and breaches of contract, and on occasion the Cubs. You dont dare go near Nick, as he had nothing to say but had his own persuasive way

of talking. So how will you get through the next few weeks? Youd better spend your time in the garden, on your kneespraying that the budding plants there might act as your leafy companions. A word of warning: dont get on too familiar terms with them, Jen. After the trouble with Grant last year, everyone has their eye on you. They expect you to live in this world, it!

the world of flesh and boneand not one of your own making. And to like

21

Grant Does That Thing He Does Okay, so time passes, with the help of a green thumb put to the test

Chapter 4

in a barely thawed garden and a whisky here, a brandy there. Though your mother wouldnt set foot in your little Eden, she didnt mind at all joining you for a cocktail at five or sometimes four, and on occasion three-thirty. How the leisure class doth love its grog, and for an endless variety of for that, eh, Jen?

reasons, none of which were verboten in the circles you ran with. Thank god Youre tuned up nicely on a Tuesday night at six, your mother humming

over a paella cook-up in the kitchen, Sandra upstairs with her useless never would, when the phone rings. Its Grant. I thought youd forgotten, you say.

boyfriend Zack, writing songs the world simply had to hear but probably

As if. Ive got some information for you. I cant believe it. How do you manage? The phone feels warm in your hand. A man can do a lot when hes motivated. So what can you tell me? Do you know where Dwayne is?

Not so fast. Ive changed my mind about not wanting anything from you. that men tell women what they want to hear. What they hope to gain from it is obvious, though in Grants case he couldnt hope for that in prison so he the ticket. How blind you are, Jen! And to think that barely two weeks ago you were snuggling up to his murderous ass in that oppressive little room. How does that make you feel? Yes, doesnt it now. Okay, so what is it that you want?

So your mother was righthe had misled you. She told you plenty of times

probably chose the next best thinggetting out of prison. And you were just

to the kingdom. I just want to see you again, thats all. So my condition is that you get your information from me in person.

Listen to your voice, kid. It sounds like you expect me to ask for the keys

22

Thats it?

give me that and Ill be happy.

Nothing more. I told you before; I dont want anything from you. So Nice move, Knox. Getting cynical in your old age? Grants betrayal

he had lied to your face about the murderson top of Jacks running off with his dizzy little trampmustve bent you silly. No wonder the world of Eros lately seems the only place you can go to forget the worlds treacheryand yet you havent been there for months, have you, or at least escorted there by someone other than yourself. Thanks, Grant, for opening the box, and

you too, Nick, for fanning the damn flames. But now heres Grant, sheathing his weapon and wanting to help you? How many times can you misjudge him? Im sorry. I guess Ive been on edge.

come here for the news. Thats all I ask.

And with good reason. Apology accepted, with the same condition: you The speed of your reply surprises you. Ill make arrangements right away.

the obstacles daring to appear in front of you. How did other people get by without pull? Must be tough. Maybe an ombudsman system would help solve the problem, where everyone would be connected. The first step to an American paradise would be to give people a voice that could be heard, right, Jen? Casting a vote every four years does not a democracy make.

Pulling strings was nothing new for you, easing you past most of

got your private meeting with Grant Morgan. Youve known the Governor for yearshed known your fatherbut thered been a strain in the relationship months earlier when all this started. Your efforts to keep the

Governor Clary was cordial on the phone and said hed make sure you

lines of communication open apparently helped a lot. And when you flew in his attitude, finally. You revealed to him for the first time your plan

down to Springfield recently to have lunch with him, youd sensed a thaw with the late Senator Kline to take on the Patriot Act, though Kline was a

23

Republican and a loyal oneas was the Governor. He disagreed that the

act was un-American, but said he respected your commitment to the cause of legal reform. At least that was something. He was still skeptical of your relationship with Morgan, yet half believed you when you insisted that the man had changednot by prison but by love! The Governor had been time and not one day less. Hed confessed to thinking that youd use the

impressed, too, when you said to him that Morgan must atone by doing his lunch meeting to ask for a pardon. When indignation passed over your face he apologized and put his hand on yours from across the table, saying that like daughter, he had said. the faith he had placed in you from the beginning was justified. Like father, It all sounded so venal to you on the flight back to Chicago. As

an attorney you were wondering if the pleasantries and even the feelings themselves served to permit you to get what you wanted, and he himself maybe with an eye on some secret aspiration might consider you a useful

future commodity. You regretted such thoughts but they were the result of your training and had proven invaluable in the practice of law, as motives were rarely shown at face value in the courtroom. Like everything else in the country, winning was God and truth cried in the corner. Being able to

ferret out the truthhowever concealed or adornedin some cases actually made justice possible. And thats what you wanted, wasnt it, Jen. You odd bird, winning means little to you but you do demand justice.

the maximum security enclave of Stateville again like a queen on her stroll of the grounds. People think wardens are the masters of the prisons but

Breaking rules with impunity at every step, youre whisked through

those inside know that its the Governor who wields the golden scepter. You, darling of the Governor (or so they think), get the royal treatment. Grant is waiting for you in another small room, this one similar to the first but with a bed in the corner. And it has one of the few doors in the prison without a window in it. Youve arranged for a bed? you ask before anything else.

24

It wasnt me. It mustve been something you said to the Governor. And now youre hoping for a conjugal visit. He sits in one of the chairs and motions for you to sit in the other. Seeing you is enough, Jen. Thats the truth.

Theres a coffeepot on the table, and a plate of croissants.

the necklace, but I find Im still wearing it. Do you mean it? Im afraid I do.

Im sorry. This is hard for me. I thought it was over when I took off

He warms considerably. Pause.

Will you wait for me? A lot can happen in ten years, Grant. you that.

Ill be out in six. No ones behavior will be better than mineI promise Six years. Ill be forty-three. Will you still want me? He looks at you seriously. When youve waited your whole life for something, youre not going to

say, stay as pretty as the picture Im holding in my hand right now. I dont love the picture, Jen; I love the person. Youre touched, arent you.

Ive never heard you talk like this. Do you really love me?

Lets just say Ive had a lot of time to think.

asked to reveal the unthinkable. You wait expectantly and he finally gets it out. More than life itself, Im beginning to feel. What a burden lifted from his shoulderslook at his face! You want to

Now theres sudden and unmistakable pain in his eyes, as if hes been

pounce on him, devour him like he did you so many times before, but tumultuous of emotions looking like a blank piece of paper. The only

you hold fast. As a professional you were used to sitting through the most crack in your armor is a telltale tear, which you dont hide from him. Why

25

should you? Hes not opposing counsel, and theres no judge to hold you in contempt. Yet fearing to burst, you change the subject. Tell me about Dwayne Washington.

He seems relieved. He was never much for tender words. Hes in Pelican Bay Prison in Northern California. Youre a magician of the first order! Wait, Ive got more for you. secrecy of a gulag archipelago.

Youre surprised, because Homeland Security has started to take on the What more could you have?

of free speech, thats all, and they want to put a scare in him. Theyve run his background every which way and theres not much there. Previous run-ins with the law, yes, but if that was the measure of a security threat, Dwaynes got to do is play it cool and not rile them. How can you possibly know that?

Hes not in any real jeopardy, as far as I can tell. Hes dancing on the edge

a big chunk of the countryd have to be shipped to Guantanamo. So all ol

both sides of the lawtheyre two sides of the same coin, really. And they owe me. So whens he going to be cut loose?

Can I say from an acquaintance of a friend of a friend? I know people on

Three months, six; maybe a year. It all depends on him. pushed. Remember that story I told you?

Thats bad. Dwaynes the gentlest man in the world, but he wont be Those monkeys who broke his leg?

cool.

He cant be moved, Grant. So tell me how you think hes going to play it Thats where you come in. Me? He manages a brief smile.

limits. No, youve got to find a way to get in to see him, convince him to

You dont think I was going to do all the work, do you? Even I have

26

play along til they get tired of him and turn their attention to some Saudi stamp in his passport. through an airport.

computer programmer in Arlington or a crazy Texan with an Afghanistan How can I get in? With Homeland Security, its hard enough getting He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small notebook. I just happen to have a name. You stand up and awkwardly throw yourself into his stupid lap. Pushing forty and I think Ive found a man. because have no intention of touching you. And no strings attached. A bed over my shoulder and I surprise myself Arent you Mr Wonderful. And now let me surprise you, because it seems

to me that I do intend for you to touch me. But maybe over there, where we can get a little morecomfortable.

27

Sandra Opens a Door You reprehensible slut, Jen. Your body in exchange for information?

Chapter 5

But that isnt entirely true, is it. Because there was no premeditation in the exchangeyou didnt even know what hed have for you. You werent

purchasing something so much as gifting someone who had gifted you. Isnt that it? Call it repaying one selfless act with another. Only it wasnt selfless on your part, was it. Admit ityouve been craving him for a long time. Were there tears? Such questions offend, no doubt. You dont And how was it for you when the release finally came? Did you cry out? even want to answer them yourself. One could surmise as much because you more than one of the guards giving you a sly smile on your breathless way out.

got up and left in a flurry of feathers, like a bird hitting a fan, your hair awry,

Your body is sated but your mind is a snake pit of writhing feelings. Why was being a woman so difficult? Why couldnt you, like you suppose of a man, take your pleasure and be done with it? And why do you feel guilty? You havent done wrongyouve only claimed your just desserts. It made no sense! And to make it worse, youre already thinking that if you stayed in Chicago a bit longer instead of heading back out to California, you

Now youre in the car and the drive back to Chicago is comfortless.

might be able to see Grant another time. Or two, or three. You could bring the full force of your womanhood to bear upon his exposed soulmens appendages sometimes led right to itand he could be bound to you forever and make himself into a perfect angel in prison and be out in record time and at your side once more, to succor and fulfill youno, no that couldnt of all your dreams for exalting the law above all elsebecause there was us? No, the law with its codification of simple justice was the only house you could see that wouldnt be blown down by the coming storm, if only

be! You the lawyer and he the transgressor of the law, the enemy as it were nothing else! We were descending into the jungle and what else could save

28

it were strengthened properly. How can you propose to do that work when

you go running to a bloody convict to free your body, your emotions, from their terrible yearnings? The lamb can never lie down with the lion, in this world or any other, save the one of the imagination. Why, then, do you even consider it? This is why you feel guilty, if one were to be so bold as to step into that agitated brain of yours. Say it isnt so, Jen. Your mother is less than cordial when you get home, for obvious

reasons. Why youd choose a convicted felon over a reputable hunk like

Nick is a mystery to her but you understand her reaction completely. After all, your daughter had her heart in a knot over boyfriend Zack for reasons though comprehension in this case was far from empathy. Face it, you only she knew. It was a form of insanity you were beginning to comprehend, loathed the kid and had tried in a thousand subtle ways to pry her away from him but still she clung fast to him like a limpet to a tide pool rock. If the crashing of the waves couldnt free her, how could your gentle murmurings? Your only hope was that she wouldnt end up pregnant, which at her age could be a calamity from which she might not recover. But Zack, seventeen, is by necessity a powerhouse of testosterone and no doubt eager to unleash the blind forces of Nature working through him. When you were still living found none you werent sure if it was with relief or trepidation. And if he

with her, you had checked her room often for spent condoms, and when you did become the proud father-to-be, your fear wasnt that hed turn tail and marry her.

run, the nightmare of most mothers, but that hed hang around and want to Your mother is staring at you.

hands. Its out of mine, too, for that matter. I figured as much.

I know what youre thinking, Mother, you say, but its out of your

else has been able to do.

Anyway, he found out where Dwayne is, which is something nobody You know how I feel about Dwayne, she replies sourly.

Yes, I do. But whether you like it or not, hes a good man and Summer

29

loves him, so lets do right by her.

Lets have a drink, shall we? Im craving a vodka and tonic. She pads to the kitchen for the glasses.

waiting for her, a few drinks to the plus side. Youre flying back to

Sandra comes home from school at quarter to four and youre

California tomorrow, so now might be the time to let her know whats on your mind. Zackll drag his sorry behind over around six, and tomorrow shes back in school. No, nows the time. Hi, dear. Hi, Mother.

just as wellyou can talk to her up there with the door closedand then

Unaware of your intentions, she bounds up the stairs to her room. Its

thered be no evaluative feedback from your mother. You climb the stairway with a less than certain step. Already you hear the primordial thump-thumpthump of her teenybop music. She doesnt hear you on the first knock and you try again. She opens the door a crack and looks surprised. I thought I might talk to you a little, you say. What about? You cant think of what to say. Let me in; I wont bite. Cautiously she opens the door and you enter. You sit on her bed. She sits Could you turn the music down a bit? you ask with delicacy maybe a She leans over and hits the button with petulant compliance, as if in So? she says, making it sound like a challenge.

there too, but slides down to the floor, using the mattress as a backrest. little too strained.

resignation to what was to come.

or Zack, shed be out the door quicker than a kicked cat; it had happened before. And she was ready for it, you could tell. Im going back tomorrow, you begin.

You choose your words carefully. If you were in any way critical of her

30

Whats that on her face? Youd long since lost the ability to read her. What time? My flights at eleven. We can have breakfast together if you want. you for half a minute with a pop tart in her mouth. Then it was the unholy bat at sunset.

That was doubtful. You were lucky if she would sit across the table from

honking of Zacks horn and she was flying out the door like a hungry fruit Thatd be okay, she says.

hers.

You slide off the bed to sit next to her on the floor, your shoulder touching Would you like me to stay longer? Thats up to you. Id rather you come with me out to Big Sur.

We talked about that already. Zack, remember?

trouble and she needs my help. I found out where Dwayne is, and Im going to try to get him out.

Yes. I remember. Its just that I miss you so much, but Aunt Summer is in

She perks up at this, as if it were welcome and encouraging intelligence. You found Dwayne? Grant did.

Grant Morgan? I thought he was in prison. He is. I went there to see him. I think you must really love the guy.

Sandra wasnt usually so free with her words. You put your arm around her. But you dont just stop loving someone. You know that yourself, dont you. You have a fight with Zack and you say you never want to see him again, but somehow that feeling doesnt last. I thought I didnt. When I found out what hed done, I cut him off cold.

You see surprise on her face, as if she hadnt thought you capable of insight. Thats how you felt? she asks. Thats exactly how I felt. He could die for all I cared. It took less than a

week for that to pass, and after that it was like he was sitting in a chair in my

31

mind and he just wouldnt get up and leave. Hes still there, only after today hes up and running around. But hes a murderer.

did, I think to protect him.

In a manner of speaking, yes. He didnt actually do ithis friend Frank You told me he killed two people.

he didnt order Frank to do it like they said at the trial. The judge apparently agreed and gave him a lot lighter sentence than he could have. You said ten years. Yes. Frank got life.

Thats true; one four years ago and the other eight years before that. But

exoticism of the topic, for her at least.

Do you think of him as a murderer? she asks, seeming to warm to the Grant? Yes and no. I do know that he was right in the thick of it and to

him that was okay. But he sees what hes done and regrets it. He said I made him regret it. Really?

Yes. I guess the power of a woman to change a man is really something. I could never change Zack. But then, I wouldnt want to. Pity, that.

prison grapevine is like a fiber-optic networkit reaches nearly everywhere and with lightning speed. And Grant, having scads of connections, would know how to use it. So wheres Dwayne? Now what? I go there.

Anyway, you say, I thought he might be able to help me because the

Pelican Bay Prison, up by Crescent City in Northern California.

Can you get him out?

information I think I need to tell him how to do it.

The only one who can get Dwayne out is Dwayne. But Grant gave me the Cool. Ill bet Aunt Summer will be glad to hear that. Have you told her yet?

32

back out there. By the way, Sandra, dont say anything about this to anybody til Dwayne is out safe and sound. I wont. Not even Zack.

Im a little worried about a phone tap, so Im going to wait til I get

Especially Zackhe talks way too much. to tell Mother.

Good. Itll be our little secret; you, me and Summer. Im not even going Sandra seems to take great satisfaction in thisyou confiding in her with

such sensitive informationadult information! You look at her fondly and were.

wonder if therell ever be a time when you two will be as close as you once You wanna hear a song I wrote? she suddenly asks, jumping up and

rummaging through papers in a drawer.

33

Lets Put On a Show Big Sur in late spring is all hot sun on the neck and overpowering

Chapter 6

green and brown plant smells, especially dun sage. The rattlesnakes are out in force, some none too happy about losing their skins and willing to let people know it, too. Someone thought they saw a cougar on one of the trails, but it could have been a startled boar before it ran off into the underbrush. Flashy California poppies line the roads like heralds at a procession. You

and Summer had taken the old Chevy pickup to the rocky point at the north the foamy surf. You were thinking salmon while her heart was set on sea bass. Lucky in lifelater life at leastshe usually got what she wanted.

side of the cove, and now your two fishing lines are in the water just beyond

pull of receding water. Youd already caught your share of seaweed today, and now you reel in a little more.

You feel a tug on your line. You dont know if its a fish, seaweed, or the

with the other. Put it in the bucket, thoughit looks like some good stuff. Well wrap the fish in it and cook em on hot rocks. She releases her arm and you heft your catch over to the bucket and settle it

Too bad, she says, putting one arm around you while holding her rod

into the water. Using the fish knife, you cut away the excess and fling it into the surf.

light since you broke the news to her about Dwayne.

And with it our troubles, she says with a laugh. Shes been unusually Youd made your phone call to the number Grant gave you, and maybe

with the passage of cash or the threat of retributionblackmail was alleged to be big among a certain type of government employeesyoud gotten your clearance for a visit. As a disinterested attorney, of course. Just a chick

shyster on routine business. In two days time youd be sitting across from a thin, defiant black man with a will of case-hardened steel. Your job was to you hated to do but would do anyway, for Summers sake. And would convince him to forsake truth for the moment and go on the consomething

34

redouble your efforts to clean up the damn law so honest people wouldnt have to lie to get out of its clutches. God, Jen, youre a strange creature. You get caught with a misty broadside of saline as a wave hits the

rocks, bringing you back to the here and now. Here was a beautiful place, clean and fresh and free from the sins of Man, and now was a time of communion with Summer and the sea. Youd even written a poem about it I Am the Sea, you called itnot too shabby for a big-city lawyer trained to exercise the left hemisphere of her brain while the right sat mute on the back porch, waiting for a call. Summer was calling, called every day, and you know, youll be painting pretty pictures of poppies among the gray-

you were gradually inviting who knew what into the house. The next thing green sage and showing them at the sidewalk art show at Monterey. A tourist might even buy one and hang it on a wall somewhere. The tourists name would be Gaia. Shed be a beautiful woman, from the inside out.

every wicked worldly place a wisteria arbor and fragrant once more. During the long nights theyd hold and caress each other til dawn. Faithful Solon his senses with fervent Huh? would work his magic on her eager body and she in turn would overpower Whered you go? Summer asks.

Shed have a hip partner named SolonSoland together theyd make

Where were you, Jen? Youre sure as heck not here. Oh. I was thinking about someone. Grant Morgan?

Since I saw him, my libidos gone back into overdrive. Want me to get a man for you? What do you mean?

No, somebody else. Or maybe it was connected with him; I dont know.

been an absolute monk, and I think he needs something to reconnect him to the world. It might be good for you, and you wouldnt have to worry about him getting all moony on youhes a one-woman kinda guy and can only

I mean, do you want a man? I know just the guy. Since his wife died hes

35

think of her.

You look at your aunt skeptically.

A short-term marriage of convenience. theres a healing.

Something like that. You give to him, he gives to you, and maybe What makes you think hed be interested in me?

pardon my French. Especially when the woman looks like you. Youre embarrassing me now.

Hes a man, isnt he? Ive never known a man to turn down pussy,

hook; we need some fish.

I dont mean to. Just the facts, maam. Just stating the facts. Bait your You bend over the bait can. Whats his name? Dan.

drive to Pelican Bay to meet with Dwayne. You figured thered be some

You fly up to Crescent City and rent a staid white Buick for your

chance, however slight, that youd be watchedyou didnt want to pull up in the noisy old Chevy truck, an already sunburnt Summer riding shotgun, as the less remarkable your entrance, the better. No, a conservativelyimage you wanted to have passing through their minds. dressed attorney in a nondescript car, carrying a black briefcase, was the You turn off Highway 101 and make the first big left. Soon, there it is in

the clearingPelican Bay, all two hundred forty-seven acres of it. It looks new and cold. You turn up the dedicated road and drive in, parking among a sea of unassuming cars. Holding your briefcase low and your head high, you stroll into the gateway building with quiet authority. Uniformed guards at nor smile. We Mean Business should be on their nametags and you say

Visitor Reception handle the security check brusquely with neither comment nothing. Every action today, every look, word, gesture, would be perfectly be an oiled cog fitting in smoothly. There would be no mechanic drawn to

neutral, bled of all emotion. You were entering the machine and you would

36

an anomalous movement, eyebrow raised, wrench in hand. You had become a machine yourself; it would be metal upon metal, your tactful oil reducing friction to the barest minimum. No heat would be generated. The last thing you wanted was heat.

Mr Fisk, you say to a wary man in a dark suit and starch-white shirt. Jennifer Knox; I have an appointment. He scans you from top to bottom, not as a man but as an automaton, and Jennifer Knox for Mr Fisk, he says and puts the phone down. Have a He motions to a row of plastic and tubular steel chairs attached in a

picks up a phone. He taps a button. seat, please.

row. You sit. In less than a minute an officious-looking old bat of a woman such is the sharp angularity of her mind, it seemsbut long years in your good and less than good alike. You stand and follow her, her hard-soled

is standing over you, telling you to come with her. She almost scares you profession have prepared you for the unexpected outpourings of all minds, shoes making loud staccato taps on the floor, taps which echo against the

stark walls and low ceiling of the corridor. At length she opens a door with a frosted glass window and goes inside. You follow her. This is her office, apparently, the busy desk and empty chair giving it away; that and the faint,

sickly-sweet smell of fresh-cut flowers in a vase on a side table, just the kind of funereal odor you think a woman of her variety might like enshrining her. How benign and almost warm your own mother seems in comparison!

to enter. You give her a perfunctory but respectful nod and go in.

Jennifer Knox, she says then swings the door open and motions for you Ms Knox? a short man in a dark gray suit says. Im Anton Fisk.

She knocks on a large pea-green door to the side and sticks her head in.

chair across from him.

He stays behind his desk, precluding a handshake, and asks you to sit in a Thank you for seeing me, Mr Fisk; I know youre busy. As I told you on Thats been arranged. May I ask what your interest is in Dwayne

the phone, I just need a brief consultation with Mr Washington.

37

Washington?

his connection to your aunttheyd mentioned that fact months ago when they interviewed you for the background check for the Senate seat left by the late Senator Kline. That you declined that appointmentto Governor

The FBI already knew of your relationship with Dwayne through

Clarys surprisegave you the hope that all interest in that relationship had waned; no, dissipated altogether. But you werent sure, so you had to tread lightly here. Homeland Security was making itself the mirror image of the Bureauso one lie discerned and the whole enterprise might get up and walk out the door.

bono work on his behalf, should he require the services of an attorney in the future. As the law stands, no action on my part is advisable at this time, so I just want to inform him of my availability and let him know he hasnt been forgotten. There. That was not only plausible, but low-key enough not to be

I dont represent Mr Washington, but Ive been asked to do some pro

mistaken for a threat. And was vague enough, you think, that it didnt matter if he knew of your connection to Summer and Dwayne or not, truth-wise. Grant Morgan may have this guy over a barrelwhy else would he allow you this unheard-of dispensation?but he was still potentially dangerous and you didnt want to take any chances. If he had a penchant for, say,

womens clotheslike Hooverhe may be shaking in his proverbial boots right now, but he definitely wasnt letting on. Maybe this was a trap, where you (and Summer) might get roped in, too. No, you didnt trust him a bit,

and must only make the correct noises and be out of here as fast as possible. Its a one-off thing, you understand. There are no procedures in place for

This is not how we do it, he says, but Ive managed to get it cleared.

visitation with this type of prisoner. Hes under our federal jurisdiction, not the California Department of Corrections, so different rules apply. We only of the situation aredifferent. Is that understood? Completely. lease space here, in one area of the Security Housing Unit. So the legalities

38

syndrome, where prisoners are held in solitary confinement for twentytwo hours a day, fed through a slot in the door, and who often develop

Yes, the notorious Security Housing Unit, progenitor of the SHU

hallucinations, nightmares, depression, and are prone to suicide. Something akin to post-traumatic stress disorder, youve read. Since the effects were up in there so many months? Was he even still Dwayne? known to kick in within three to four weeks, how would Dwayne be holding There were no riots at Pelican Bay, as no two prisoners were ever together

at the same time. There was communication, thoughsomehowand you and Summer had learned from the Internet of the hunger strikes, each man in his bare eight-by-ten cell hitting back by refusing to engage with the machine. No one cared, of course, as these men were the worst of the worst, as the why was Dwayne, a gentle man, a poet, a believer in humanity, here? To saying went, and it was probably felt that they got what they deserved. So scare the living hell out of him, for certain. To break him of all courage so party to murder, was thought to merit a place like this.

that never again would he challenge the U. S. Government. Not even Grant, And Im going to ask you to sign a confidentiality agreement, Ms Knox.

Its already been drawn up. Youll sign it, with my secretary Ms Brandt as jewelry. Your watch. Youll be permitted fifteen minutes. Mr Washington will be brought to a small conference room in this building. Therell be a more.

a witness. Youll leave your briefcase and its contents in this office, and all

table and two chairs, and a clock on the wall. Fifteen minutes. Not a minute

a small window, its laminated glass reinforced with wire mesh. The guard, accompanied by a cheerless Ms Brandt, opens the latch electronically with a magnetic card. As he swings the door open, Brandt looks at you

The door to the conference room is made of heavy gray steel. It has

disapprovingly. Youre not supposed to be here, she says and walks away. manacled hand and foot, staring at the floor. He looks up when you enter,

You look inside. Dwayne is standing there in his prison monochrome,

39

the great door closing behind you.

Jennifer! What are you doing here? They didnt tell you I was coming? They dont tell me anything. You came all the way from Chicago?

couple months.

Im at your house now. Ive been staying with Summer for the past At the mention of her name, you see emotion come to his eyes. Sit down. How is she?

noisily on the table.

You take a chair across from him, his titanium-alloy wrist chains settling She misses you. But shes well. Shes hurting, but you know how strong Hes silent a moment. He cant seem to put his thoughts into words. Then, Its no life. But Im still alive. Hows your health? You look at his drawn face, the eyes with only half a spark. Sleepins hard. They never turn off the damn light. I dont know what time Whats that?

she is. And you? How are you, Dwayne?

it is, cept at mealtime and when they let me out in the dog run.

Sposed to be for exercise. I can see the sky.

The concrete walkway, bout thirty feet long, and no roof over part of it. The melancholy in his voice is painful, isnt it, Jen. Such is the punishment

for a man of conscience who spoke a little too articulately. This misguided Homeland Security apparatus would have to be dismantled, zealot by stalwart zealot, and with it the foreign policy that ultimately made it

necessary. Isnt that what you believe? Maybe Summer was right after

all: America is an empire, and its ubiquitous fingers are around too many

throats out there. Thats exactly how she saw it. Now those abroad on the receiving end, along with assorted crazies and malcontents, were striking back. You had to help stop that. You had to protect the country from its

own excessescreating havoc without and withinin order to safeguard Jeffersons legacy, and Madisons: the hallowed law of the land. Yes, one

40

might think youre a little crazy yourself, but looking at Dwayne right now removed any doubt you might have about your intentions. This will not stand.

surprised to see a wry smile form on his lips. Course nobody really wanna hear me sing. You look at him with some relief.

They wont let me have my mandolin, he adds to the litany. Youre

They havent broken you, Dwayne. You should be proud.

Summer spent a lot of time in that sweat lodge. You sit there in the dark

Theyre tryin. They keep tryin. But Ill tell you somethin. Me and

with your thoughts, and the heat forces all the poison up to the surface, all

the fear, all the crap. After a time you start to get comfortable with your own And I already made peace with em, before I even got here. So see, I got me somethin to lean on. Its a strong stick they cant see, holdin me up, and like it here. drives em crazy. they dont like it. They keep tellin me Ill be here forever and I say, Fine; I

thoughts. I dont hardly see a human soul now; its just me and my thoughts.

strong man. He didnt need to join something bigger than himself to feel

Summer wasnt exaggerating one bit when she told you shed found a

powerful or even complete. He had himself and was satisfied with that. Just like Grant. These were men, you were beginning to realize, while most of Dwayne danced for no one. the rest seemed like Toms balancing on a fence for their Becky Thatchers. Now you recall your last conversation with Grant, and his advice for getting

Dwayne out of here. You regret having to pass it along but there didnt seem to be any other way. You hope Dwayne wont lose respect for you or worse, hate you. But you were doing it for Summer and you were doing it for him, so you would face the consequences. You lean forward over the desk.

Come closer, Dwayne, and lower your voice, you say quietly.

almost touching yours, though neither of you can see the others eyes now.

He immediately sees what youre up to and leans toward you, his forehead

41

not a trace of hope in it.

Whatcha got for me? he asks in a voice thats chilling because theres Theyre going to cut you loose as soon as they know youre scared enough Ain gonna happen. Anyways, how do you know that?

to cease and desist with anything connected to the war.

that if you want out of here, you need to put on a little show. And Im tellin you, its not in me.

Same way I knew you were here. And Im telling you straight, Dwayne,

former position.

You lift your head enough to give him a sharp look, then resume your Well, youd better find it in you. According to the law, they can hold

you as long as they want, without charges being filed, without trial, and you could very well rot in here for the rest of your life. If you dont care about yourself, at least think about Summer. Shes tough, but shes dying a little bit every day. Is that what you want?

confinement and now a sudden visit, word of Summer, a plausible plan of

Hes silent. No doubt its all a bit much for him. Months of solitary

escape. Veteran of former incarcerations, countless hours struggling with an A man can be strong, but he can also be demoralized. When you take away a persons hope, whats left? Pride? Maybe thats what Dwaynes holding onto now. He has no intention of admitting defeat to his captors, or even simulating it. He probably doesnt want to give them the satisfaction. Summer, too?

unleashed mind in the sweat lodge and even then, hes not prepared for this.

Is that what you want, Dwayne? For your so-called sins to be visited on Into your line of sight, your eyes being fixed on the table top as they are,

comes a single teardrop from Dwayne, hitting the blond wood and making

a small plash. You dont dare raise your head now to look into his eyes, not

only to save him from embarrassment but because, admit it, youre afraid of

the depth of pain you might see there. Dwaynes a man of powerful emotion a neutral face, and even your practiced lawyer faade may not be enough to

and you dont dare get caught up in it. Youve still got to get out of here with

42

hide your feelings if you get sucked into Dwaynes suffering and mortally

touched by it. If this charade is to be pulled off successfully, you must not be seen as his confidante and sympathizer but just some idealistic bystander out for a good deed. Suspicious minds are always looking for an angle and you dont want to give them one. How is she really, Jen? Hows she holdin up?

again? Give her something to look forward to. Give her a dream she can carry to her lonely bed at night. Silence. Finally,

The truth? Shes making it, barely. You want to make her feel alive

What do I have to do?

Im sure youve shown them a hundred times. But now somethings different. This white chick from the outside comes to visit you. Tells you everything youre missing out there. Sets your mind to thinking. Opens up your mind to endless possibilities. Sex. Driving fast on the freeway. Cheeseburgers. Music, cold beer. Want to make a list? It could go on for pages. Put sex at into your miserable little cell, back to your miserable little life, and the

Youre a smart man, Dwayne. Okay, listen. They know youre tough.

the top of the list. Thats what theyre thinking. Then you get thrown back cracks start to appear. Laughing. Crying. A request for a telephone call. A your total breakdown of spirit. Theyll start rubbing their hands with glee at another success story, and the wheels will start turning. Like the early

refusal to leave the dog run. Lead them one step at a time down the road to

Christian heretics coming back into the Church, give the powers that be a show thatll help em sleep better at night. When theyre relaxed enough, He takes three or four minutes to digest it all. one day soon after, that doorll open and somebodyll tell you youre free. What then? Im not going to give up the work.

some important peopleGovernor Clary of Illinois and some influential

Of course youre not. Only this time Im going to get you in touch with

friends of his, and maybe a senator or two in Washington who are getting

disillusioned with the Patriot Act and just might want to do something about

43

it. So next time, these government goons will think twice before trying to

railroad Dwayne Washington. Oh yeah, and weve got Grant Morgan in our need be.

corner, too, and hes not above probing the underbelly for a little leverage if Dwayne lifts his head and looks at you. Youre some woman, Jennifer. happy with that. If Im half as good a woman as you are a man, Dwayne, Id be very Well, this little mutual admiration society had to come to an endyour Two words I dont want you to forget, you say. Slow, and subtle. You

fifteen minutes are just about up.

do that and the Academy Award youll win will be your ticket out of here.

44

You Want, You Get (If You Want) You and Summer are in the hot pool just over the ridge from her

Chapter 7

cabin, naked and pink. A forest of mammoth trees surrounds you, the sound of trickling water from the stream feeding the pool is in your ears, the smell of sage is in your nostrils. Sitting on flat rocks up to your necks in

the healing waters, your thoughts run free. Look at you, Jen. Pearly sweat

beaded on your forehead, your hair wet and glistening, your face aglow

youre beautiful. And you no doubt feel beautiful now, and pure. Youre all over themselves trying to knock their excited little joss sticks against your

woman, sister, and its a wonder half the men in the county arent falling all cervix. A couple of them have hinted around, granted, but lets face ityou

can be intimidating. An attorneys mien, a good family, connected friends, a types and rich prick hangers-on dont have what it takes to follow through, do they. They love you from afar, unlike the big boys in Chicago, urban jungle types used to fighting over meat and not afraid to show a woman

handsome face, inviting bodythese hippies and tortured artists and Esalen

just what theyre after. To them a lawyer is just like any other prime cut,

and their grill is always hot. Out here in the California woods theres surely hanky-panky going on but no one has the guts to try to include you in the proceedings. Which is fine with you, as thoughts of Grant fill your mind to of one. And now that youre open for business, Grants locked away and magazine. And what can you do about it? Not a fucking thing. Summer looks at you. That again?

overflowingyet your body hungers for the touch of a man, even the smell youre marooned here like a teenage boy in his bed with nothing but a girly

Shes darned near a mind-reader with you.

Fraid so. Dont the hormones ever ease up?

a bit. But a womans differenther desire just seems to grow.

Not so much in a woman. When a man gets older, he usually cools down

45

Its driving me nuts.

you some relief. Youre my niece and I love you that much. But Im neither and so I wont, though dont think I havent thought about it. People are funny that way, how sex gets into your thoughts and your minds not your own him that he gave himself a little consolation from a vacuum cleaner. He told you that? anymore. Dwayne once told me he was so lonely for a woman whod left

If I were a man, Jen, or a lesbo, Id pleasure you right now and give

stuff nobody else hears. He gives me tremendous power when he tells me secrets like that. Thats strong medicine. I try to give it right back to him. a little too far.

Were not just lovers, kiddo; were friends, me and Dwayne. We talk about

Stuff I dont even tell you. Except just now, when I opened the door maybe Ill admit, I never considered you might have thoughts about me. Those Let me tell you something, Jen. The older you get, the more you see the

kind of thoughts.

possibilities. Your mind isnt so hung up on what you learned back when.

But Im no lecherous old aunt trying to talk my way into a seduction here. with, your well-being is more important to me. And Id like to find a way

I think you know that. Above and beyond what my imagination might play to help you dissipate some of that energy and channel the rest. I do it, and what works for you.

theres no reason you cant. But youre a different person, so we have to find You look at your aunt, all sweaty and radiant in the restorative water. Anyway, she says, standing with a splash and stepping up the little

waterfall to the cold pool just above, you right behind her; first things

first. Wed better be getting back soon. Oh, thats cold. Feels good, though, the fire going for the hot rocks. Thats the thing about slow cookingit takes time. How many people are coming? Four or five. Maybe six.

doesnt it. But weve got to get ready for tonight. On top of the list is getting

46

Hesitant pause. Summer? What, dear?

Why dont you invite your friend Dan? Id say that a right good start.

Pelican Bay. More like cautiously optimistic. She was glad that Dwayne the last thing in the world he would be able to do was to pretend to be

Summer hadnt exactly been overjoyed when you got back from

had agreed to the plan, such as it was, but was troubled because she knew somebody elseespecially when that new persona made him out to be a

coward. She knew what that would take out of him, on top of what they had taken out of him already, and hed need immense tenderness and probably no end of the comforts of the flesh when he got back if he werent to be forever tainted by it. Now, as you gather wood with her and carry it to the fire pit, she voices these thoughts again, though framed in a slightly

more positive fashion. Maybe the long and soulful dip in the hot pool had centered her somewhat. Odd to say that, isnt it Jen, when the fact is that you tell her so. even Summer out of sorts is more centered than you are. You know that and Call it the wisdom of old age, she says with a laugh. You look at her fondly. I know exactly what Dwayne sees in you, you say with a brilliant if And whats that?

somewhat overblown flash of insight. You! He sees you.

makeshift latticework in the pit, tinder and smaller pieces on the bottom. Then, as if an afterthought, replies. You help with the wood. Lets hope he gets what hes bargained for. Theres no doubt in my mind, you say. Is there any in yours?

She gives you an appreciative nod and begins laying the wood in a

47

She reflects a moment. Nope. She lights the fire, and when shes sure the larger pieces are aflame, Some people wait til the fire turns to coals before adding the stones,

begins placing the stones on top.

she says, but I like to carbonize them a little, so when we put the meat in and cover it, theres more of that smoky flavor. The bass the other day was good, wasnt it? De-lish.

Lets hope we can do the same trick with the boar tonight. You hand her the last of the stones. I remember the boar we had last year. Dwayne cooked it while we were I remember. That man can really cook up a feed. But were no amateurs, for that matter, you say.

up at the hot pool. That was the first time I met him, actually.

She permits herself a small sigh and stands up again. You smile at her. No, were not. Were quite capable of living on our own, and living well. But why would we want to?

We can do just fine without Dwayne, and without your Grant Morgan.

theres such a thing as having your cake and eating it, too, and thats just

That was my next point. Furthermore, why should we have to? No, Jen,

what were going to do, the both of us. We just have to work out the details, thats all. I know you think that time is against us, but its not. Its on our side. Because every day brings us that much closer to what we want.

knew what she said was plainly ridiculous, but on the other hand you know by experience that she always speaks with a mouth full of truth.

You walk with her back to the house in a strangely exhilarated mood. You

in merry din and all that. You look good, Jen. Though not a jeans and t-shirt time outside today. Youre like a radiant moon revolving around Summers

The guests were met, the feast was set, and everyone was knee-deep

kinda girl, you fill them out nicely, dont you. Ruddy cheeks, too, from your

48

venerable old planet, and dont the two of you light up the room. An ancient Pink Floyd is playing on the CD and conversation is flying faster than geese on the run and five miles from home. Youre tucked into the sofa leaning shirt type, no Chicago polish at all and would probably hate New York. over the arm toward Dan, whos sitting in a chair next to you. Hes the plaid Hard-workin, clean-livin man is the aura that seems to emanate from

him. Hes handsome, too, though hes no pretty boy. More rugged, like a moth hes drawn to them. His eyes have hardly left yours for ages. So what happened next? you ask him.

tall tree, a granite outcropping. The wine makes your eyes shine, and like a

from a hive in one of the dead trees just below the timberline. We were on our guard, because wed heard reports of cat sightings just the day before. their honey and always on the lookout for tigers. Unlike lions, tigers and

Well, we decided to take the high trail, maybe gather some wild honey

I felt like one of those Bengali villagers venturing into the Sunderbands for cougars hunt by stealth, stalking their prey and attacking from behind. Many villagers were lost that way so the men going after honey started wearing spotted and back off. Did it work? butt-ugly masks on the back of their heads so the tiger would think itd been

clothing? Or a prayer? Everything works, in the mind of the petitioner. You laugh a little chardonnay laugh. So did you wear a mask?

Did it work? Does a St Christopher medal work, or a lucky article of

were safe if we looked like too much trouble. When cougars take people, which they rarely do, its usually a child or a lone adult. We stuck close see, Im here to tell about it.

No, but we all carried sticks, and we made a lot of noise. We figured we

together and played at looking menacing, mostly for a laugh, and as you can Thank god for that, you say with more seriousness than youd intended,

apparently, because he noticed something in your voice and leans the

slightest bit closer to you. So anyway, he continues, were trucking up

49

the trail looking for a swarm of bees, when all of a sudden we round a bend and theres a cougar on the trail, not fifty yards ahead. No!

Talk about freezing in ones tracks. I know the meaning of that now. So what happened? There were four of us, right? And we each stuck out our sticks in different

directions. I was walking point, so I held mine up in a spear-throwing pose.

That didnt deter the cat, though, and it starts to move toward us. Get ready, guys, I said; we may have to whup some cougar ass. I cant say I wasnt a little bit scaredmaybe more than I care to admitbut you just cant turn around and run. Youre a goner if you do. Thats what Summer said. Hold your ground and try to look big.

to realize that it wasnt a cougar at all but some hippy chicks golden retriever.

Shes right, and thats just what we did. Only it took us about five seconds

story suddenly made this revelation sound funnier than it should have, and you let out a cackle. Come on. Is this a true story? I swear it. I swear by Zeus.

The dim light, the flickering candles, and the wine-augmented drama of the

You know by his earnest eyes that it is. Big tough men, ready to protect the fortress.

And a big sweet golden trots up to lick our hands.

who somehow got the twinkle back in his eye after the loss of his wife. How long ago was it? Summer said its been almost a year now. Was he without a woman for all that time? Still, that wasnt so long, was it, Jen. You were chaste for four years after Jack skipped out with his little playmate, and it took the power of Grant Morgan to get you to open the gate again. Yet and thought about sex how many times a day? You dont know whether to believe that or not, but one thing is sure: Dan was a man in his prime

He gives a self-deprecating shake of his head. You like this guy, this Dan

youd heard it was harder for men, who supposedly had hair-trigger libidos

50

and it must have been hard to reconcile his desire with his grief. How did these freewheeling women with braided hair and turquoise jewelry living

he cope? Did he resort to self-pleasure? Did he keep company with any of in cabins and tents in the woods? Youre fairly certain any number of them would be happy to give him a whirl. Why did Summer think that he could use YOUR tender ministrations? She sure knew what you needed, though, and you were gradually coming around to her way of thinking and in time might even give Dan a shot, should he make a move. Do you doubt that he

will? These Northern California men dont operate like the ones back home. There was more of a dance involved. Listen to youa couple months in the woods and suddenly youre the big expert now. Anyway, no time to linger on these thoughts. Summers rounding up

the guests and shepherding them out back to the deck, where all will feast on wild boar from these very hills, accompanied by savory side dishes

everyone has brought, surrounded by the gentle flicker of citronella candles meant to keep the mosquitoes at bay. And yes, the wine would continue to waters. It would make almost everything seem not as bad as it was, and render the impossiblefor the briefest momentpossible. flow. It would flow into the turbid rivers of the mind and calm the agitated

like rag dolls, everyone with full bellies and minds at ease. Two guitars, a fiddle and a banjo filled the room with bluegrass, everybody singing with having been at such impromptu sing-alongs a couple times a month here open mouths and wider hearts. You know the words to many of the songs, at Summers, and you sing out now with the best of them. Dan, warm and guitarless, was at your side, had been most of the evening. He seemed to gravitate there naturally, without comment, sometimes without even a look. He simply sat next to you as if that was the place he was supposed to be. You didnt discourage him, either, but welcomed him with a nod, a smile,

All was loose and free, people draped over the furniture inside

and once a touch on the arm. Yet not a word had been spoken between you

that would have suggested there was a connection, an intimacy. In Chicago

51

the guy would have been pawing your leg by now, panting.

wanted Silver Threads and Golden Needles. You knew right away what was on her mind. It was the up-tempo song Dwayne had sung for her, and you ballad, pouring his heart into it like warm honey into her cupped hands.

A lull in the frantic foot-stomping music gave way to a request: Summer

with her, the first day you met himonly he had sung it as a slow, mournful Now she wanted to hear it again, to remind her of him, but played fast as it you heard it, and had seen in Summers eyes her mighty and inexhaustible love for him.

usually is so it wouldnt make her cry. You had been touched, too, the night

they had no connection to the feelings between Summer and Dwayneit

As you listened to the words, tried to sing along with them, you felt

must be the melody that was so compelling, and the expression of the pain of a broken heart. Why this folksy American standard about betrayed love would have this effect on your otherwise worldly and self-possessed aunt

was a mystery, yet there it is. And though shes not crying this time around, holding back emotion.

she has stopped singing and you see a movement in her throat, as if she were You sense Dans eyes on you and turn to him. Hes looking at

you looking at Summer. Does he have any inkling of the feelings that lie upon your breast, and that of your aunt? He certainly has feelings, too, though perhaps not so oceanic as a womansyet he may have the power to empathize. Some men do. No doubt the surprise death of a loving wife gave him a depth other men might not have. How would that affect his

lovemaking? How would it make him feel, and make you feel, when he was with you? Would he adore you, or adore her through you? Did you have a right to make him choose? Or did it even matter, as long as you gave him

solace and he aroused and slaked in you the sensations you craved and their attendant profound emotions? Did he need to love you and you him for it to be right? Yet youre certain, arent you, Jen, that any act between you

two would be one of love. Not teen romantic love where selfish demands are made and expectations are of the eternal. It would be the respectful love of

52

giving and receiving of two hearts broken and trying to mend. Is your heart broken, Jennifer? Why are you even thinking these thoughts? Is it the wine? The heady

exhilaration of the music? Summers pain? Or Dans insistent and caring

look, and the way he has so freely and naturally attached himself to you this evening? But it doesnt really matter, does it, for youve already decided to offer yourself to him, body and even a piece of your soul, if he would take

you. Of course he would; hes a man. And because his heart was promised to another, as was yours, there would be none of the unpleasantness where one badgered the other for ever deeper affection and commitment. So yes, you were his for the asking. Yes, you say. What?

The answers yes, Dan.

53

Nature at Sixty Miles an Hour How does it feel to betray Grantthe fact that he betrayed

Chapter 8

you notwithstanding? Because youve been contentedly and at times

tumultuously sharing your body and its every secret with Dan. That was betrayal in anyones eyes, and its bitterness was counterbalanced by the sweetness of Dans touch and the way his insistent drive to possess you, to transport you, brought you to the heights of your sensibilities. Hed even taken you once at the hot pool, against a rock, your feet still dangling in the water, the call of birds in your ear. Youd submitted with eyes open,

deliriously scanning the trees, the scrub, the trail on the other side of the if it were only a feverish buck tangling with his doe, youd stared wide-

creek wending up the ravine. Naked in Nature and blindly unashamed, as eyed at the greens and browns and tans and duns of the forestit was all too much, wasnt it, Jen, and you had involuntarily closed your eyes and when the crescendo reached its peak, the repeated delicious spasms made

you writhe and strain beneath him. And when you had finally ceased your rapturous convulsions, he slowed his movement to adagio and created his own crescendo. Then he held you. Remember that? He was no longer your What would Grant have thought if he knew? Would he blame you? Would But you werent thinking of anyone then, were you. No, there was only

mock conqueror but your friend and protector, and you stroked his head. he ask you if you thought of him in those extravagant, agonizing moments? sensation, and emotion, and finally, hard-earned fulfillment. But somethings wrong. Lets face it, you had dutifully served a larger purpose, hadnt you the veritable comic opera of procreationand had reaped its heady reward. a preordained animal drama in order to feel such fulfillment as a woman! doesnt itto serve the animal to feel human! # There had to be a measure of disappointment in thatyou having to act out But admit it, Jen: were you not at peace at the end? The irony of it cuts deep,

54

over til her face is inches from yours. What do you mean?

No more stallinglets get to work, Summer says to you, leaning

with the Patriot Actright? I have no idea how one goes about doing that, youre committed to this path and youre prepared for the consequences,

Youre talking again about your plan to rejuvenate the law, starting

and Im guessing hardly anybody else does, either. So spell it out for em. If then lay out the groundwork for people to see. Dont give anyone a chance to misinterpret you or paint you as anyone else but who you are. Let them reconstruct you in their jaundiced image. Im not a writer like you are. see it clearly. The less people know about you, the more your enemies can Summers breath was sweet, like jasmine. No, but youre a writer like you are. You worked on the Law Review

in college, didnt you? You wrote some newspaper articles after that, too. Youve got something inside, Jennifer, and Im sure it wants out.

doing enough about it. Except that he wanted me to go into politics.

Thats just what Governor Clary said; that I was ambitious but wasnt Which you still can. But right nowwhile youre hereyoure just talking

about it. How many times have we hashed it over? Dont you think its time you started getting it on paper? I know what youre doing, Summer. She sits back with a laugh. So why dont you fill me in?

desire and dissipating the rest. You said so yourself. Your suggestion of Dan was Part One, and now this latest push is just as surely Part Two. Tell me Im wrong. She looks at you penetratingly.

You think my salvation will come from relieving some of my incorrigible

Let me ask you this, then. Is Part One working at all? You really dont need to think it over, do you. To perfection. Im actually feeling more like a human being again and not a

55

cat looking for a tom.

Okay. And do you have any objection to Part Two?

organize them into some understandable form. So there you are. Just like that? Just like that. Why?

None at all, since its probably just what I need to crystallize my ideas,

I think I need a little more time. Its a big project. Its vast, actually, and maybe too important for someone Maybe modesty is more valuable than arrogance in achieving something I wish that were true.

like me. I hardly know where to begin.

real, Jen. Arrogance is blind. You seem to see things reasonably clearly.

Youll know soon enough how clear it is.

Theres only one way to find out. Put it out theresee what it looks like. You consider this for a moment but your mind begins to wander to Part One. You havent asked me about Dan, you say. Why? Thats simple, girl. Anything I need to know about Danyou and DanI Is it that obvious?

can pretty much read on your face. Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

saysa bit rusty and its big cylinder heads protruding out the sides like a

Dan rides a motorcycle. Its an old BMWthirty years old, he

matronly Honda with sagging breasts. He drives fast but not carelessly, and when youre on the back you feel like youre flying. Fear creeps in only on the gravelly curves in the road where the tires sometimes skid sideways, making terra firma feel liquid beneath you. At fifty miles an hour it can be a little unnerving. But Dan has been riding his time-worn steed for fifteen years with only one fallon a lonely forest track where a log truck forced

him off the road and he had sage for lunch. He showed you the scrape marks

56

from that, on the bike and on his leg.

hes going to teach you how to dive for abalone. Hes already given you

Today youre riding with him to a rocky cove along the coast where

the theory class this morning; now would be the practicum. What about sharks? you had asked him, having heard that great whites patrolled the lions. Wearing a wetsuit and fins, you could easily be mistaken for your of snorkeling the coast, hed never been eaten by a shark. California coastline because of the abundance of plump and delectable sea aquatic cousin, no? Dan had reassured you with a smile that in all the years He veers the aging Beemer off Pacific Coast Highway onto the

gravel road to the cove with a harrowing slide of the tires. Turning his head around and bumping your helmet playfully with his, he reaches back and worries, mate. Youd already placed your body in his hands and now he slaps your thigh with his handexpressing his favorite Aussie soother, No was asking you to go one step further and place your life, and apparently

youve done it with little thought. You werent really a motorcycle kind of

girlbut if not, why were you so comfortable and carefree sailing along on

less than one square foot of leather and holding onto somebody who was no Not only that, but you find it exciting, dont you.

more out of harms way in his mad movement through space than you were? In spite of the danger, Summer had given you her blessing. Wouldnt

your mother be aghast, though. And shed no doubt be even more disturbed by your tender liaison with Dan, a man with no future. What did Dan do for a living? He works with wood. Hed quit UC Santa Cruz as a junior and went to Hawaii to live on a beach for a year. Then he came to Big Sur to apprentice himself to a carpenter. Now he builds decks and such, and carves heroic mythological figures in his spare time. And you were his bike lady. You can just hear the words roll off your mothers tongue with all the concern and condescension her breeding would permit. But what the hell, shes there and youre here. And youre entitled to feather your cap with whatever plumage you see fit, isnt that so? The fact that she couldnt (or

wouldnt) understand Dan, just as she could barely fathom her own sister,

57

wasnt your problem. And she a child of the Sixties, with all those marijuana dreams of the glories of alternate realities, deeper comprehensions of the people down, make them forget whats important to them when the most death so that the mind may live. universe! It made no sense, yet you know yourself how time can wear some important thing eventually becomes psychic survival. The heart dies a little Your mind back to the road now because you almost get bounced

off the bike as it hits a pothole, you tighten your grip around Dans

abdomen, poking him a good one in the stomach with your thumb. He lifts the transparent visor of his helmet, turns his head to the side and shouts, Sorry! You rub his stomach in acceptance but dont release your grip.

Gravel is no respecter of human needs, and on a motorcycle itll tear you

up royal if you give it half a chance. Dan slows his speed for your peace of

mind. Who knows how fast he drives when youre not on the backbut hes no teenager and hes no fool, either, so you dont fret. If hes to be taken out by a log truck or a Monterey SUV whose driver is distracted by three kids in soccer uniforms, whos to say that an ounce of worry now will do any good? Why not just enjoy the ride? The shark in the sea, the truck on the conspiring to get us. So much the better to live in the moment, like the

highway, the bacterium in the potato salad, for gods sakeall seemingly Zen monk, whose only thought after realizing satori is, Whats happening right now? How about that story, Jen, of the ecstatic monk who suddenly paper umbrella to his masters lodge to tell him the good news. Once he felt he had finally reached enlightenment, rushing through the rain with his was inside and seated on a zabuton at a low table, the master sat down and said to him, So youve reached satori? Good. Then let me ask you: when your umbrella? Seeing by the monks face that he didnt remember, the you came inside and took off your shoes, on which side of them did you put master rose up in irritation. Get out! You are no closer to satori than the

novice taking his first meditation! Could you but cultivate the presence of

mind of true satorito live eternally in the here and nowyou might never have another worry. Certainly the image of fifteen feet of great white thats

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circling uneasily in your thoughts right now might disappear entirely! And your constant worry for Dwayne, while youre at it. Dan downshifts through the gears, turning off the road and taking

a sandy trail to the cove in second. Wispy green branches whip your

bluejeaned legs and a hidden log reaches out for your ankle, though you

lift your foot in time. Dan was honing your senses, the non-erotic ones that is in your nostrils. Being with Dan is like surrounding yourself with near your plush office on the fourteenth floor back in Chicago. balances the bike between his legs. to sling over the handlebar.

Grant hadnt gotten around to yet. Soon the smell of salt spray and seaweed sensationsones quite unlike anything you experienced in or anywhere Dan hits the beach and stops, taking off his helmet as he stands and Safe and comparatively sound, he jokes, you handing him your helmet Every ride an adventure, you reply.

spice up the Garden of Eden. motorcycle, for example? enough.

Thats what its all about. God invented adventure for Adam and Eve, to So Nature needs an injection of excitement to bring out its best? A Unless you live in lion country, where theres probably excitement You slide off the bike and stand next to Dan, he still astride it.

condition?

So the answer is more civilization? you ask. To liven up the human Youre way off the beam, lady. The answers less civilizationstop the

machine, so to speakand add spice only when necessary. Right now its all spice and theres no flavor. Only spice. So Nature has no spice?

pool the other daythat was spice. Today were going to swim in the bath of the reat whitesos that. Summers sweat lodgethat, too. We bring a few tools sometimes: a bike, a snorkel, a homemade lodge. To reach Nature,

Natures the only spice that adds true flavor. Being with you at the hot

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amplify it.

motorcycle?

So youre saying that a motorcycle is about Nature and not about the Now youre catching on. When youre on the bike, what do you feel?

Wind, g-force turns, acceleration, the sight of trees, the sky, but everything speeded up. Its not the bike thats fun, but what the bike exposes you to. You experience the forces of Natureparticipate in themand view the panorama of your natural surroundings in quadruple time. momentum, speed?

Seeing the trees and all that, I can understand. Thats Nature. But g-forces, Jennifer, youre an intelligent woman, so please tell me youre kidding.

Look, when Newton was going on about gravity and whatnot, wasnt scientist?

he talking about Nature? Physics, right? Wasnt he considered a natural So leaning through the curve back on the highway at sixty miles an hour For a lawyer you can be a little slow on the uptake. Because thats exactly Let me think about it a little.

wasnt fun on a bike but in fact an appreciation of Nature? what Im saying. Do you disagree?

in.

Well, think fast, because weve got abalone to gather before the tide comes Oh yes, Mein Kapitan.

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Cannibal With a Conscience? Meanwhile, back at the cove. Dan gets off the motorcycle like a

Chapter 9

cowboy from his horse; deliberate, saddle-weary, almost proud. He pulls the old Beemer up onto its stand and retrieves the wetsuits from the panniers. You strip down to your swimsuit and pull on the wetsuit, as does he. You zip each other up from behind and he hands you your mask, fins, snorkel,

gloves, net bag and abalone knife. He fishes his out of the other pannier and you both trudge across the soft sand to the tide line and up the hardpack to the rocks. Sitting on a large one, the mild surf washing against your feet, you don your gear. Dan has already taught you to snorkel, but today will standing and taking your arm with a firm hand. Look around you at all make sure you know exactly where I am. And stay between me and the know where the shoreline is. Got it.

be the first time to go after abalone. Remember what I said, he tells you, times so you know whats there. Look at me every ten or fifteen seconds; beach, understand? Stick your head out of the water every minute so you

Moray eels have a bite that can go right through your glove. Yes, Poppa.

And dont go reaching under any rocks or put your hand in a hole.

Im serious, Jen. Just like on a motorcyclesafety comes first, then fun. But you already taught me all this. The theory class, remember? And Im telling you again. And if you see a shark beach.

I know, I know. Face it and ball up, then backpedal slowly toward the He gives you a stern look. Your lightness has apparently annoyed him. Dont fool around, Jen. This isnt the beach at Lake Michigan. Im sorry. I do take it seriously, Dan. I really do. Good. Now lets have that fun.

You plop your feet awkwardly into the water, your fins making walking

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difficult. When youre up to your knees you crouch down, pull your mask into position and submerge. Yes, that waters cold on your face, and it trickles icily down your back inside the wetsuit. From experience you know that soon it will fill all the space between the neoprene and your skin, warm up to body temperature and help insulate you from the cold. When people

think of California, they think of a warm beach, but in fact the water is damn chilly, thanks to the California current and its upwelling of deep water. God, even San Diego had only a three or four month window of good swimming, all year.

according to Summer. Thats why it was wetsuit city for you here, just about Okay, the cold now neutralized, you begin slow, deep breathing to

stabilize your metabolism and keep your energy level constant. Youll need plenty of oxygen in your blood to compensate for the times youd need to hold your breath and dive down to a waiting abalone. This was to prevent you from blacking out, always a possibility when one holds ones breath too long or too often, and when you black out, you automatically begin

to breathe again and you drown. Dans theory class had been thorough you knew all this and more, and youve systematized it and filed it with efficiency and in fact much enjoyment. You werent just snorkeling.

You were attuning yourself to the seventy-five percent of the natural world which lay under water and you had learned not only of its pleasures but how to protect yourself from its dangers. You were going into this caper by following Dans guidebook, which might be called in common parlance, Living life to the max. An insipid laugh escapes your throat and is

expelled hollowly through your snorkel. But the fact is, Jen, that this sort of thing is something that neither Jack nor Grant had taught you. The only one who had come close in the max department, aside from Summer who was a riot of creativity in daily life, was Nick, the Apollo-like slab of attorney in your office who with the help of nine hundred horsepower of his monster cigarette boat had made your body vibrate like never before and then, the all points south, had taken you from there to where you had never been

throbbing engines shut down, deftly working your neck, breasts, belly and

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before and now forever longed to return. That was living, too, beyond what besides the law, that was his only skill. He was little more than a velvet

one thought was normal or even possible. But Nick was one-dimensional magician. He knew neither Byron nor the pleasure of an orchid. He didnt Melvilles Billy Budd with him. After sushi he wanted to eat dessert. He

know who Jay Gould was and went somnolent when you tried to talk about thought the Kingston Trio were wanted men from Jamaica. No, Dan was the only all-rounder in the bunch. He could make you laugh, teach you things you didnt know. And oh could he bring the rabbit out of the hat. Too bad

you were in love with Grant and Dan was still pining for his dear departed. abalone along the rocky sea bottom. Thus you have your first inkling of an idea that must have been germinating there for it to even have sent up its tender shootwhat would it be like to stay here with Dan?

What a thought to have while sucking air through a tube and hunting

by the sight of something in your peripheral vision. You turn to see what looks like a massive Pacific salmon, surprising you by its size and its unlikely appearance so close to shore, and alone. Or was it alone? Foolish girl, youve broken the first rule of underwater existence, havent you: know exposed yourself to whatever predations the ocean might throw at you,

You dont force this idea out of your mind as much as have it forced out

whats around you. Off on your own little injudicious mental odyssey, youd and wouldnt it be humiliating if a great white or hammerhead casually

swam up and took a meaty bite out of your thighnot to mention it being Stupid vixen, you think your thoughts are more important than your life? Thats what hed say, though in his gentle and solicitous way. Something like, Shall I compare thee to a hunters prey? Thou art more lovely but to clear your head of inanity. Snap out of it, Jen; youre a mother, a Youre no damned sea creatures lunch.

potentially fatal. Wouldnt Dan give you a dressing down if that happened!

intemperate! This time you dont even chuckle but suck in air precipitously daughter, a lover. People count on you. Youre a woman with a mission. Wheres Dan? Oh, over there on your right and six feet down, prying an

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abalone off a rock. Lets get with it, sister. Are you willing to put up with Knox!

how hell look at you if you return to the beach empty-handed? Not Jennifer You look at Dan as he works. Hes not a large man, but hes fairly

well built and looks even bigger in his quarter-inch neoprene suit. He frees his catch from its perch and puts it in his bag, sees you looking at him and gives you a thumbs-up. You return it and pretend to resume your hunting. Admit it: you havent seen an abalone, havent even looked for one since youve been in the water. Your minds been going ninety miles an hour and your bodys just been along for the ride, eyes seemingly closed. That wouldnt do. Not when there was pride at stake, and self-respect. No, the no shark bait here, folks, no sir. Hell, no. hunt would start now, and with resolution. And, of course, vigilance. Aint Youre drifting on water ten feet deep now, the rocky bottom giving

way to the occasional sandy kelp bed. Dont watch the kelp, Dan had said; its movement in the eddies of the covell make you seasick. Yet there was something alluring about the swaying of the kelp, almost hypnotic. Are you hyperventilating? Look away, Jen. Focus on your goal. Youre here to put time to be a leopard on the prowl, not a bee in a meadow of nectar.

meat on the table. Another day let it be a fairyland of the senses. Now is the Then you see it: a right fat abalone, so big you can make out its portholes

from where you float. Perversely, you hope that Dan hasnt already seen it. You take a long breath, double up your body and lift your legs into the air, the weight pushing you down and your fins then helping to propel you to

the bottom. Youre racing, arent you. To want to outdo someone, even your lover, to triumph over him for this meager though seductive morsel of food, makes you so human! So exquisitely flawed! But you intend to get that damned abalone.

you grasp the rough shell with your left hand while you jab the abalone

Reaching bottom, awkwardly kicking your feet to keep you there,

knife between the shell and the rock with the other, working it in and to the left and right, all the while lifting and prying. You feel the muscle beneath

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tightening like a sphincter and you redouble your efforts because your

airs running out. With a decisive, almost desperate jerk, you dislodge the

stubborn creature and lurch for the surface, no time to even bag it now. Your snorkel reaching up into the air, you blow like a breathless humpback and greedily gulp in as much sweet atmosphere as your lungs will bear, then again. Control your breathing, Jen. Yoga-like, relax your mind and your

heartbeat through the wonder of pranayamadeep, slow, almost reverent now? Has your self-respect returned?

breathing. Now put your prize in your net bag. Thats it. Do you feel pride You look around for Dan. Hes at the bottom again. Look at his

baghe must have five or six! You mentally kick yourself in the slats and resume the hunt. No way is he going to give you a paternalistic pat on the back and say, You did well, considering.

meat. Aint nuttin whut succeeds like succeedin is your cornball motto now and you fully intend to live up to it.

Your eyes are peeled like a feral cats, scanning the rocks below for hidden

focused elsewhere. Piece of cake, eh honey? Yet theres a dark crevice

Look there! Another crusty beastie clinging to a rock, and Dans attention

uncomfortably close to it and you suddenly imagine yourself returning to having penetrated the black rubber and embedded themselves in the soft flesh beneath. Look, Dan, what I got! Indecision is the killer of dreams large and small and you refuse

the surface with six feet of moray eel attached to your arm, its needle teeth

to be caught in its sharp gears. Gulping air forcefully through your threequarter inch tube, you arrow-dive straight for your target, praying as if God sat up there worrying about your precious hide that the ominous black hole nearby would be empty. As you reach for the succulent suctionite and jam your cruel knife under its shell, you wonder if justice will be served by you coming away from this encounter unscathed. Maybe you merit a good healthy bite on the arm, eh Jen? Thats what youre thinking, isnt

it? You who demand to see justice prevail among people have been living with Summer and slowly gaining the impression that the total picture is a

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little larger than that, more cosmic maybe, and its just now coming into

your conscious awareness. Look at youyoure hardly one step above a with a silver fork and the occasional linen napkin. You think youre so

cannibal or even a hyena, arent you, though when you do eat, its delicately, damned civilized and above the fray. But youre really not, are you. Go

ahead, youve got your prize; now stick your hand in the hole and take your stick your

medicine. You the so pure of heart who yearns for fairness in the world. Just Fortunately for you, youve run out of air and have to make tracks

to the surface or become another hapless statistic of the sea. You thought to challenge the forces of Nature and yet a force of Nature saves you. Life is strange. Irony is more common than justice is an axiom youve

long known and perhaps today again it makes its presence feltas youve accepted that having ripped living beings from their placid homes, youll haul them into the suffocating waterless world above, excise them from their shells, beat them senseless with a meat hammer, grill them over unforgiving coals and eat their sorry carcasses while engaging in pleasant conversation over felicitous glasses of white wine.

supply of oxygen and prepare to descend once more into the sacred world of life below for a fuller complement of booty. Youll not suffer the embarrassment of having to show your lover and competitor a pitifully meager catch today. No, not Jennifer Knox. Youll fill your bag with living flesh and be able to face Dan smiling.

As your half-submerged head bobs on the surface, you replenish your

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Yes, To Become Whole Again A month passes as you live in the world of your headwriting your

Chapter 10

great treatise on restoring the integrity of the law of venerable Jefferson, and in the world of your bodyletting Dan in his respectful way play with your nerve endings and lead you to a welcome and now-familiar sigh of relief. Dan being more like a fraternal playmate than a shameless voluptuary like being calmed sensibly and you actually have the presence of mind now to

Nick or a repository of raw male potency like Grant, your rampant desire is sit down for three or four hours at a stretch to think rationally and pour your as she passes by you with a knowing smile at times like those. How right she was. As usual!

words onto a page. I told you so might just as well be Summers comment

for Religious Freedom. What are you trying to say? That he was a man of

Youre starting on your second chapter, Jeffersons Virginia Statute

open mind? That goes without saying. Youve read that theres a movement

in Texas right now to remove him from the American pantheonthat should him!

prove it. As if any kind of America as we know it could have existed without Okay, what else can you say? That he was courageous? He clearly

was, simply for demanding freedom of thought. His detractors then and now love to point out his precipitous flight on horseback from the advancing British when he was governor of Virginia, but youd read that more as prudence than cowardice, knowing just as well as he did that he was

indispensible to the fulfillment of the American experiment. No bloody eh Jen?

redcoat gonna catch the mouse that wrote the Declaration of Independence, Or do you focus on his ability to reason? That is, to make full use

of the ideas of the Enlightenment to create a more just world at home at

Monticello, in the state of Virginia, in the whole of the Thirteen Colonies.

His darned vision was ninety miles wide and solid as the oak door blocking

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most mens minds.

in handso much less distracting than the computer with the infernal blinking of its cursor line at the end of the sentence, seeming to want to goad one, move one along to a quick but premature conclusion. Okay, Jefferson was deeper, more significant about the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom

So which is it to be? And where to start? You sit with pen and notebook

all those things youve credited to him, but you must think theres something than liberality, courage and rationality. Why else have you been sitting here for half an hour with nothing more than a title written on the page? But its it underpins the whole vast meaning of America! This one law epitomizes what ol Tom and the little giant Madisonand later Monroebelieved coming to you, isnt it. The kernel of an idea. The nub of a notion so big that

about a human being. What was it? You know, dont you, Jen, but just cant see what it writes.

put it into words. Try. Just give it a shot. Put your damn pen on the page and What does it mean to be an American? And how can the law protect

that precious identity, keep it from the howling wolves that would devour to be an American? To be a free human being! But what does it mean

it without a care? Jefferson no doubt had such thoughts. What does it mean to be free? To be able to think ones own thoughts! To be able to say to condemn me and by no means will you punish me for it! Right, Jen?

ones peers: My thinking may be different from yours and you ought not But how to put such an idea into law so that those less enlightened minds

who nurse suspicions of others different from themselves will be guided to act properly toward those others, even if theyre unable to think properly? Enter with flourish the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom! To put into that to be an American, one will embrace the idea that ones thoughts are thinking!

law so that all can see and be bound by it: this radical yet wonderful notion ones own and a society might be created where none will be persecuted for Your mind runs full-tilt to the Patriot Act, where those with fearful

and suspicious minds work overtime to connect someones thoughts to

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any and sundry nefarious acts, plots, creeds, associations, in hopes of

establishing any link, no matter how tenuous. Lord in heaven, save our

souls. It suddenly seems like those vast nets of the Taiwanese and Korean which are doomed just the same. Save that for one of your chapters, Jen.

fishing fleetsyes, they do catch tuna, but also all manner of unrelated fish For sure, the Patriot Act deserves every bit as much space in your book as

the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom. Becauseas a symbol of how freely an American is allowed to thinkone seems to be trying to pull the other one down! Imagine protecting our great American experiment from enemies without by unwittingly destroying it from within! Write it, Jen! Write it all down!

to the sight of her body that youve lost all curiosity about it, though it was still pleasant to look at. And you got your fill as often as you wanted that as someone she loved unconditionally, please let your eyes be free, grabbed for a robe or a bath towel if you stumbled upon her nakedness, months ago she saw you staring and then quickly look away, and told you whenever they want, for as long as they want. Unlike your mother, who even when you were a child! You do have vague memories of bathing with her, but that ended when you were whatthree? Even then, she had said quite firmly once as she dried you off, Dont stare; its not polite. What a luxury it was, then, to behold someones nakedness unconstrained, and to disclose your own without self-consciousness. This was no rebellion against Puritanism, nor was it hedonism or its coarse handmaiden lasciviousness. No, it seemed more to you like following the way of Nature, stripped of

Youre naked with Summer in the hot pool again. Youre so used

civilization yet guided by an inner morality, like the natives of Tahiti before the prurient French arrived. You were certain that it wasnt the modernistic ethos of nudism, which you considered the rather forced display of the body where people were self-conscious and in fact often surreptitiously

observed each other through the lens of the hyper-sexed culture beyond the colonys walls. Youd both prosecuted and defended nudists, depending on

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their disposition, and got an insight into their emotion-charged world. This was different. Here, emotion was being dissipated, not enflamed, and that or your own daughter. Youd learned it too late to put it into practice with gave it a sense of purity. Too bad you couldnt have that with your mother, either one. Do you remember how Sandra had reacted when you gave her a by Summer? Sandra had recoiled and asked youhow did she put itif

deep and protracted hug after you had been hugged like that for the first time you had gotten weirded out, out there in California. And you were both

fully clothed! Sandra was hardly going to strip for you now and luxuriate in her glory before you, and you herno flippin way, Jos. You imagine she she loves his scruffy self. No, hed probably have to sweet-talk her into it, wasnt clever enough to pull it off. with a pin. struggle. wont even allow her boyfriend Zack see her in the altogether, even though and this was corruption. This was a satyr working his snare. Hopefully Zack Hows the writing going? Summer asks you, popping your bubble as Huh? Oh, its okay. Its like walking through deep mudevery step is a Thats good. I hope you see that. One, it means the ideas are big; weighty

even. And second, itll make you dig deeper for the answers youre looking a woman, remember. And if you can bring some of that emotion to your writing, itll give it more power. People will not only see what youre saying, but feel it. I hope youre right.

for. The deeper you go, the more emotion youre likely to find there. Youre

Ive been known to be, on occasion. That was an understatement. my biggest worry. I dont want it to turn into a political tracta rantthats all. I think thats Why do you say that?

at her now-pink body unselfconsciously. She smiles.

She stands up with a splash and sits on a rock to cool. You join her, looking

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knowing moment has just passed between you, my second chapter was on the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom, and now I want to compare it to the Patriot Act, which in a way is its exact opposite. But I worry that therell be

Well, you reply, returning her smile in acknowledgement that a

an element of diatribe to it. Not to mention the fact that it may sound totally need to find a way to deal with them. Throwing out the Patriot Act sounds

nave to advocate its repeal because there are enemies of America and we do like the idea of a fool, like some idealistic Western movie sheriff going to a

gunfight without his gun because he wants peace in the world. I dont want to come off as a dreamer. That may appeal to some, but to change the law, I need to change the hard-headed out there, too. Maybe especially the hardheaded. Summer splashes the water with her feet.

Want to do my toenails tonight? Ill do yours.

about the look of your body these past months, though you cared for its health assiduously.

Sure, you reply, looking at your own and thinking how little youve cared

Its called editing. And any gaps you find in the argument, try to plug in the in place til its finished.

So look, Jen: its easy. You just write it. Then you rewrite it, polish it up.

next chapter. And then the next. A books like a puzzleall the pieces arent I know that, or at least I think I do, but heres the problem Ive got now.

Okay, so chapter three will eviscerate the Patriot Act with all the skill I can summon as a lawyer-surgeon. Ill try to explain that its essentially un-American. Then in chapter four Ill say we have to deal with actual

terrorism some way. The only way I can see thatll work in the long run is to take a preventive approach. That means changing U.S. foreign policy! And thats a minefield, Summer, because its politics pure and simple, and Im going to lose anyone whose politics differ. What do you mean? Dont use politics, then. Use Aesop. Look, kid, our politics is polarized, split right down the middle, with

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neither side particularly interested in talking to the other, much less

listening. The legacy of 9-11 is that it allowed the most fearful and paranoid among us to tap into everyones fear and come up with solutions to ease Homeland Security, you name it. Fortress America materializes. So itwar, first and foremost, then Guantanamo Bay, extraordinary rendition, you start carping about those things and peoples fearsll grow because

youre fiddling with the so-called protective mechanisms that they think are keeping them safe. Your criticsand there will be manywill fan those fears with the line that youre selling us out to the enemy. But how does that saying go? In some ways, the enemy is us.

you even start. We may very well be, but who dares say so? Weve got pride the pride of empirewere the greatest damn country in the world! No, you dont start a revolution of the mind with an accusation, but with a myth. I only suggested Aesop because one of his fables seems apt here. Which one?

Bite your tongue! Jesus, Jen, dont shoot yourself in the foot before

through change in the way we deal with the rest of the world. Get the but because they want to, right?

Im surprised at you. You want to remove the need for Homeland Security

enemies of America to put down their guns and their bombs, not by force The Sun and the North Wind! So were the North Wind now, trying to blow Ding dong! Correct answer. And you want to make the government more

the cloak off the travelers back but he only holds onto it more tightly!

like the Sun; use what behaviorists call positive reinforcement, knowing from the research that negative reinforcement has immediate but only you could try to tap into that idea, Jennifer. Fear is strong, but maybe temporary gains. Thats the wisdom of Aesop in modern clothes. Maybe

peoples innate wisdom is stronger. Somewhere there in Jungs collective know.

unconscious sleeps a truth. Your job: help people to know what they already She lowers herself into the hot pool once more. Youre clever, you know that? you say.

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Runs in the family, dear.

Lets hope so, you add with a smile. After a quick dip in the cold pool, dressing while still wet to keep

cool on the hot trail back, you arrive at trails end where it meets the grassy backyard of the cabin. Someone is sitting on the back deck. Summer screams and breaks into a run. Dwayne!

so strong is her momentum and her hunger to grasp his body to her own, cover him with tearful kisses, claim him once again as her own. Look, hes eating it up, too, whining and moaning like a lost dog having braved storms and unknown roads to find his way back home. What a wondrous sight to your

He stands as she flies across the yard to the deck and nearly tackles him,

lately skeptical eyes. And Grant Morgan has just soared into the stratosphere in your estimation of the good that people are capable of and you intend to tell him so. Leaving the couple to their mutual rapture, you touch Dwayne

tenderly on the armhe looks at you with true loveand go quietly into room, you pick up your pen. Minutes pass as you stare at the blank page, how to begin.

the house. Taking your usual seat in one of the plush old chairs in the living though your mind isnt blank. Its surprisingly fertile, but you dont know Summer and Dwayne come into the room, Summer leading him by the

hand. Shes taking him upstairs to the bedroom. Thats good. You havent

heard the sound of love in this house for a long time, and you would relish

it in all its primitive sacredness. It would lull you, as you knew Dwayne to

be slow and deliberate in all things, and Summer not a squealer but a quiet be sweet.

murmurer, like a contented cat with a bowl of warm milk. The music would Halfway up the small stairway, Dwayne stops, looks down at you, a rush Your goddam niece, he says with uncharacteristic coarseness, is a saint.

of emotion elbowing through his tragic bone-weariness, then at Summer. Do you hear me? A fuckin saint.

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She looks at him with loving tolerance. Tell me something I dont know. He seems to feel hes overstepped his bounds because a sheepish look

comes to his face and they resume their climb, disappearing behind a door at the top. Soon youll hear the rhythm of the gods, like a prayer only the meek and lonely can decipher. You put pen to paper. It begins to move. Dinner tonight is fresh salmon that Summers friend Marlene

brought over. She declined to stay, which was diplomatic of her, as it was

plain to see that the reunited couple wanted to be alone, or at least as alone as one could be with a devoted niece hanging around. But just as Summer to have the same feeling about you seeing her and Dwayne awash in their almost a part of her, or at least thats what you sensed, so where was the couldnt care less if you stared at her naked body at the hot pool, she seemed affectionsoutside the bedroom, of course. She seemed to think you were discomfort? But she lost no time in commanding Marlene not to tell anyone else that Dwayne was back until she, Summer, was prepared to share him knowing nod. with the rest of the world again. Mar had agreed with an easy laugh and a Now the fish is on the grill, along with sliced green peppers, onions and

marinated shiitake mushrooms. The wine was already flowing. The three of you are aglow. As the last rays of the sun filter through the trees and catch Dwayne across the face as you sit together on the deck, you look into his

eyes. What do you see, Jen? Pain? Defiance? Rage? Its impossible to tell.

The man has been in solitary confinement for monthsmaybe hed lost the and Summer werent really outsiders, were you. You were family of a very special sort, and Dwayne was going to need your help to become whole

knack of expressing much of anything of his inner life to outsiders. But you

again. But there was no doubt in your mind that he would, and that he would carry on the same work you were, in his own way, work that youre certain your country desperately needed to become whole itself.

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Aesop Takes a Fall Days swell into weeks and the full California summer is on you.

Chapter 11

The rattlesnakes are out in full force now, though your practiced eye has

thus far kept you out of trouble. Nasty thing, the Northern Pacific rattler. Not even the fond herpetologist thinks its cute. One bite and you could lose a foot, a hand. Nothing cute about that. Youve finally negotiated chapter fourAmerica gradually

abandoning the North Wind and embracing the Sunand youre thinking too. She sometimes chides you for what she calls your materialism, as shes made it clear from the start that its premature to think about refining the legal system until people better comprehend the spiritual

about chapter five. You often compare notes with Summer, as shes writing,

connection they share. Only when that actual but unseen foundation of life is understood can laws be made or adjusted to reflect that reality. She gave that it begins to take on discernable meaning. It does this by making some reflections of the deeper truths of human existence. Face it; shes fooling and she says she already knows. you her account of all this long ago, but its only now when youre writing of your words seem hollow, as if youre writing about concepts rather than with your mind. And you like it. You tell her your writing is getting better Dwayne writes poetry. Nothing deep or metaphysical, but just livin

stuff, as he likes to describe it. Before his rude sojourn at Pelican Bay, he

gave the occasional reading on a campus somewhere and taught workshops in San Francisco now and then. Hes published in little magazines, though from royalties from half a dozen country tunes he wrote while an aspiring songwriter in Nashville way back when. Nothing big, really, he told you, songs for an album of hers once. though he did score somewhat when Tammy Wynette recorded one of his Dwayne was an intuitive rather than methodical writer, so most of the apparently earns peanuts for it. His real income, small though steady, comes

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work was done in his head while he was fishing, repairing the cabin or

helping someone build a house. Hed suddenly rush to a pad and a pencil somewhere and quickly dash out words like the room was on fire around him. Unlike you, Jen, who sits for hours with your pen in hand, hammering pages aloud to Summer, she had said, Show me more woman.

out apparent truth on the anvil of rationality. Once, after you had read a few Thus life with her and Dwayne was stimulatingit seemed to be opening

up another side of you. You almost feel tempted to stay, dont you.

beyond reason, beyond even his own instinct for survivalHed die for me, she once told youand he also seemed to live by a code of honor

Dwayne never laid a hand on you. For one thing, he loved Summer

that was at once rigid and humane. Thus youd known right away that you were off-limits as an object of his desire. Sure, he wasnt above checking you out with relish at the hot pool, was he Jen, or while the three of you permitted this little pleasure of his because she knew he was a man and didnt begrudge it of him. She did, however, tell him when to stop if he

were undressing for the sweat lodge, but he never crossed the line. Summer

lingered too long and he always responded repentantly, like a teenage boy who knows hes done wrong. Thus you were never uncomfortable being short, you thought him a gentleman. alone with him, on the trail, in the cabin, or even asleep on his shoulder. In Whered you get your moral compass, Dwayne? youd once asked him in Ain no compass like a black mans momma, he replied in all earnestness.

an irrepressible fit of bourbon-fuelled curiosity.

Ill tell you what, though, he added with a comically lascivious wink; you dont never have to worry cuz my compass always points to Summer. Dwayne was bouncing back. Well, not exactly bouncing, was he,

as it had been touch and go for the first couple of weeks for sure. He didnt say much, although you were sure there was a lot going on inside him and it couldnt have been pleasant. He drank more than usual, though he was

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trying to cut back. His vocabulary, when he did speak, was more colorful Two weeks ago he nicked his finger with the maul while splitting wood

than youd remembered it, painted with skepticisms and too much profanity. and let loose enough vociferous expletives to fill a twelve-yard dump truck.

Summer was with him in a second to calm his troubled heart. Youd watched out the window as he slumped to the ground and she kneeled and pulled his weary head to her breast. Youd suddenly thought that if you were an artist, youd say to anyone who gave it a look.

youd paint that scene just as it was and hang it in your room. This is love, He was getting better, though. The turning pointthe point where

you actually knew hed be able to come back from the deadcame through a purgative though harrowing session in the sweat lodge last week. Youd taken a sweat with him and Summer when you first visited last year; both of them had been masters of their emotions while you the neophyte came

unglued, hallucinating and talking gibberish, though it made perfect sense to youand they had to drag you out into the cool air and swab your forehead with a wet rag. This time it was Dwayne who went off the deep end, not unexpectedly, of course, but distressing to you just the same. Sitting there Dwayne opened up like a swollen abscess lanced, and the stinking verbal pus that poured from his mouth jarred your sensibilities and you were

in the dark, the extreme heat bringing everyones consciousness to the boil,

almost afraid. Yet at the same time you knew that to rid the body of poison Dwaynes handsand were sure that a stronger, wiser man hed rise the morrow morn.

is the physicians first concern, and you and Summer joined together to hold

Ive got it! Ive got it! you shout out to no one in particular.

eureka moments, often experiencing them herself, and just yesterday nearly and giving the piece a whole nother dimension, as he put it. Was ist das, Fraulein? she asks.

Summer comes running, her hair amiss, a spatula in her hand. She loves

swooned when Dwayne himself had one, changing just one word of a poem

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The solution to my problem. Scout den mother.

So whatve you got? she asks excitedly, hovering over you like a Cub Well, I ran with the Sun and North Wind idea and got through the chapter

like a champ, but the next chapterwhere I try to show the practical applications in foreign policyjust isnt working out. Why not?

when you think about it, the Sun and the North Wind are really yin and yang. Im advocating yin and we live in a yang culture. She sits and points the spatula at you.

The metaphors right, but I just dont think people are going to buy it. See,

conversation?

Aha! Thats exactly what I told you last year. Do you remember that To the letter. It all came back to me as I was trying to explain how the

government had to put more of the Sun into its dealings with the rest of the world. And?

differences by drawing the gun. For gods sake, Teddy Roosevelt charging

And its not going to fly. Look at our historyweve too often settled our

up San Juan Hill is a much more apt image of America than Emerson urging us to join hands in a transcendental love-fest. You were rightwe are yang, and thats why the North Wind image suits us so well. So while I may be able to be of some influence with the legal systemits my background

after alltheres no way Im going to be able to change the basic orientation of our culture. Even Christ couldnt change yang Rome; not even when he became a religiontheir religion! And clearly, I aint him.

So Im guessing this is where you had your epiphanythe one you were shouting about just now.

Im glad you recognize that, although I do see some of the divine in you.

solving problems, as much as they might like to think it could actually work out better. In tight situations, fear is usually stronger than hope, and we

Yes! See, Summer, people arent just going to jump to the Sun way of

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fall back on the North Wind because it promises a quick fix. We dont see the power in yin, as you once said yourself. So I had to come up with an analogous metaphor, one that suggests that yin does have power. And you have. Yep.

Dont keep me in suspense, darlin. Okay, its judo. Judo. Now theres an interesting take.

And yet its probably the most yin of those arts. I want to contrast it with karate, the striking art, the yang one. I think I see what youre onto now. Judo is the Sun, karate the North Wind.

You see, judo is physical. Its a martial artMars, god of war, right?

So lets seewhile the Sun may seem too passive to some, too feminine,

judo uses that same yin force, that yielding, to defend against opponents. commission is the goal. Its aggressive, like we are. But take judoit neutralizes the threat but its objective is limited to thatyield to the

Exactly. Karate is offensive. Hurting the opponent, taking him out of

opponents force, use that force to take the opponent to the ground. Not to strike him, hurt him, but to stop the aggression. Its pure yin, but maybe a yin our people can understand because its physicallike yangand it also

produces results. The Sun shining on our enemies is maybe a little girlish for most people. But a martial art where we can take down that enemy, stop him from hurting us, may be a tad more palatable. Its not such an extreme jump for the yang mindset. Summer stands, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

reaction stops with it, right? People stop hating us. Any residual reaction in our enemies is then handled by judo-like moves on our part. I like it. get it.

And when our aggression stops, Newtons law of equal and opposite

It may not be as evident to some people as Aesops story, but I think theyll It works for me.

She bends over and touches your shoulder in approval. Straightening up, she

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points her spatula at you sternly. Now get back to work!

writing wasnt too bad because the words just seemed to flow of their own accord, but rewriting was something else. Editing meant racking

Later that afternoon, youre pretty well spent. Doing the actual

your brainreasoning, speculating, evaluatinga conceptual free-forexcruciating. And today thered been such work aplenty.

all, right down to the turn of a phrase. Writing was exhilarating; rewriting Dwayne ambles into the living room and settles onto the old couch with

a sigh. Hes been digging a root cellar half the afternoon, the sound of the your pen down.

shovel punctuating the hot dreamy silence of the Big Sur summer. You put Hows the work going? you ask.

He pulls out a handkerchief and wipes his face and neck. up. Maybe a little cement work after that. Then the door. Will it be waterproof?

The diggins just about done. Then I figure a day or so for the shorin

He laughs, maybe for the first time since hes been back. Lets hope so, sister; lets hope so. He stands.

you did for me. Lets me and you go up to the hot pool for a while. I wanna confabulate a little about that. And I wanna tell you what my plan is, now that its comin to me. You stand.

So Ive been thinkin, Jen. I never did thank you properly for what

Now? Okay, let me change my shoes.

about his request. Youll be naked in the woods together with no one else all there is to it. It was an intimacy youd permit because it was Dwayne.

As you go up the stairs to the loft, you dont think theres anything untoward

around, and it doesnt faze you a bit. He wants to talk and youll talk; thats Like Summer had told you many months ago when she came to visit you in

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Chicagoshe had a circle of friends among whom she could be completely were unafraid. If he said he wanted to talk, you knew he meant it. He might spend a few moments looking at your breasts and even fall prey to glances good it was to be able to trust a man!

herself and unguarded. You were in that circle and so was Dwayne, and you

elsewhere, but he was strong enough to keep his word and you knew it. How Summer trusted him, too, because when the two of you were leaving

and he said, Jen and I are goin up to the hot pool, the look on her face was altogether cloudless.

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True Confessions How time doth fly, saith the weary broad on horseback, looking for

Chapter 12

a place to park. Has the summer passed already, Knox? Like they say in the movies, it was all a blurwell, just about. Lets take stock. The book is finished! Not the magnum opus youd

planned, maybe, but rather a compact manuscript of less than two hundred doublespaced pages which didnt delineate your way of saving the world through the redemption of Americayour original planbut a neat little exposition of the basic issues and the direction we needed to go to solve them. Now it begins. Dwaynes very nearly back to his old self again, except for the

occasional dark bout where hell get up from where hes sitting and wander off without a word and wont want to talk when he gets back, but those seem to be getting less and less frequent. Never jovial, he does laugh more now, and was even known to pull a practical joke now and then, like the time last week when he came running into the living room with two plastic pitchers after a humungous rainstorm and asked you to help him bail out it was time, then, to put your plan into actionlining him up with some war mentality) without fear of further incarceration. the root cellar. (It was in fact dry as a geeks mouth on prom night.) Maybe connections so he could get back to his blog work against the war (and the Dan turned out to be a darling, didnt he. As more and more of your

prodigious desire transmogrified into words on a page, your cozy little

heart-fest with him cooled down considerably and he accepted it graciously, even to the point where the two of you seemed just friends now, and good ones at that. You marveled at how men could get so incredibly wrapped

up in a womanin this case not you but one departedthat all else paled in comparison. Dan, like Dwayne, was recovering nicely from his ordeal, could give another womanyouhis tender affections, he wasnt at the but he held his wifes memory in his mind like a holy shrine and while he

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point where he could love her, and once confessed to you that he thought he might never again. You reassured him that this wasnt so, but couldnt help fact men love women more deeply, more irrationally, than one could ever but be puzzled at how women are supposed to be the emotional ones but in imagine. Men fall for women and they fall hard. Why? Why do they need When an older mans wife dies before him, why does he follow

them so much? When theres a divorce, men are the first to remarry. Why? so soon afterward? You think this puts the lie to Shelleys claim, Mans

love is of mans life a thing apart; tis womans whole existence. It was a

conundrum, the whole thing, and as a woman youre fascinated by it, arent you, Jen. In any case, you havent made love with Dan in almost a month, and though you still get the urge, youve reluctantly taken to relieving yourself via your pulsating machine from the catalog again so as not to

disturb the ease thats grown large between the two of you. Thats sensible.

Whatll happen now that the books done? Youve already decided to return Clary and a few friends, and of course to be reunited with Sandra, who at keep an eye on her wayward boyfriend Zack, whos no doubt looking for every opportunity to slip into that mysterious cave of earthly pleasure so

to Chicago soonto look for a publisher, to introduce Dwayne to Governor her age certainly needs a mother more than a grandmother. And for sure to

he might exorcise his insistent hankering and in doing so become one of where goeth the libido? And you with it, for damn sure.

the guys. Your immediate problem, though: now that the books finished,

the languid flickering of citronella candles. As you go out and sit by her, the sadness emanating from her depths is almost palpable. Neither of you says anything for the moment. She finally speaks. Dwayne says youre going back to Chicago soon.

Summer is sitting in the semidarkness on the deck, the only light

and the time seemed right to sound him out about coming back with me for a whileyou, tooso I can introduce him to some people. To reduce his

Yes. I was going to tell you first, but he and I were gathering wood

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exposure, so to speak.

He loves you, Jen.

never thought Id find that brotherly feeling again. She looks at you almost contritely. I have a confession to make.

I know he does. Ive come to love him, too. Since I lost Robbie, I

Whatever shes going to say, its slow in coming out. At last she begins. a lot ofaffection, and hes closer to your age than mine, so I just wondered. Thats a womans pain, Jen. So I just came out and asked him point blank if he thought about getting something going with you. What did he say? Or maybe its better if I dont ask.

I asked Dwayne if he was interested in you. You know, hes a man with

over his face, and he says, What are you talkin about, woman? You dont go makin eyes at your own sister.

No, this is the thing. He looks me right in the eye with surprise written all

urges were, I never once thought about him that way. Not to mention the fact that hes your man and I would never Silence, which she finally breaks.

I have the same feeling about him, Summer. So no matter howstrong my

Its funny how were talking about this now, after all this time. there was any need to talk about it.

I dont know about you, but there was never any tension so I didnt think That was mostly my feeling, too. And now maybe I can let him go with

an easier mind. To tell you the truth, Jen, I had some misgivings when you people. That was months ago, yes, and I never said anything about it, but I

told me you wanted to take him back to Chicago and introduce him to those know how things in life go sometimes and there was an ugly little voice in gets a taste of that high life and hes got my beautiful niece on his arm and why should he ever come back? Summer!

the back of my mind saying, What if he doesnt come back? You know, he

I know, I know. But I told you when you first came out here that a woman

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can love a man and believe in him and trust him but theres still the fear that hell find something better. I suppose its human nature. It IS human nature, Im sure, but youve got very little to worry about.

Dwayne worships you, Summer; Ive seen it. Ive never known a person way about him.

so totally dedicated to someone, and if Im not mistaken, you feel the same I do. God, I do.

All right then. So what are you worried about? Shes lost in her thoughts for a moment. Ive decided not to go with you. I think Dwayne could use some time

away from me, seeing as weve been together just about every minute since hes been out. I wanted him to heal, and I think he has, at least as much as he again around other people, important people. I think he needs that. You put your hand on hers. With big fat clay feet. Youre goodness walking the earth, Summer. You watch the little licking flames of the candles in their glass holders. The Anyway, she picks up again with a thin smile, itll give me a chance to can, and now I want him to spread his wings a little, build up his confidence

air is cool, and a breeze begins its slow rustle through the trees.

do some thinking about my own book without wild Indians underfoot all the time. Is her sadness fading or is she just trying to ease your mind?

by then. And Ill be back out here myself again, maybe sooner than you think.

I figure well be about a month or so, you reply. He can make the rounds

She takes your hand, the same hand you placed on hers, and grasps it tightly. Be sure to send him back, Jen. You wont forget to send him back will

you?

to drive. She sits patiently in her faded Saab with the cracked rear glass,

Summers wracked, Dwaynes bags are packed, Marlene arrives

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listening to Pachelbel on an ancient tape deck. Shes here because

Summer had said she could bear the public goodbye but not the long understanding all around.

drive home alone. Everyone knew where she stood and there was nodding Ah mmm, you say, or something sounding like it as you embrace your

aunt and feel practically every square inch of her against you, and you hear a similar, perhaps more guttural sound in her throat. Youre surprised that

you dont let go but neither does she. You crave to be enveloped in her love, and wonder if she feels the same. If this entwinement is any indication, she wants you two to be bound forever. Is it blood or sentiment, or both? Does have his turn.

Dwayne feel this with her? Of course he does. Dont be selfish, Jen; let him You reluctantly release your grip, like a kitten rudely pulled from

a teat, and turn away before she has a chance to see whats in your eyes.

Mechanically taking hold of the handle of your suitcase, you wheel it to the waiting car. Marlene gets out and opens the trunk. You dont look at her, either. Thats okay, shes not stupid. She knows exactly what youre feeling right now. After heaving the case into the trunk, you take a quiet seat in the back, leaving shotgun for a man who wont take it for granted. The syrupy Canon in D is still playing on the tape deckthe ignition is switched to the tears that must be hiding tremulously behind your eyes.

accand one might guess youre refusing to let its sentimentality bring out Lets shove off, eh? Lets get this crate on the highway north, before

Summer breaks down, before Dan shows uphe promised he wouldnt

before Dwayne howls out in anguish. Lets hustle this contraption down the soul, crying for love.

road before you explode into a million pieces, every one of them like a little

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Dwayne Tips His Hand This is the second time in a year youve looked down on Chicago

Chapter 13

from the stunted window of a plane flying east and felt a heavy heart. Why? Youve got nothing to fear and everything to look forward toyou should be dancing in the aisles, honey. Christ, youre returning triumphant mission accomplished, nest-ce pas?and a smart little book under your trumpets?

belt as well! Why do you not arrive to the fragrance of roses? The sound of You look at Dwayne. Hes none the worse for wearunlike you

who hates flyingalthough you picked up right away that he wasnt all that that, either, as he apparently didnt like the idea of being waited on while on the other side of the curtain the cattle were flank to flank and mightily lowing. Hes a true democrat, that Dwayne, and far more saint-like than

comfortable in first class. Youd paid his fare and he wasnt too happy about

you. Hey, wait a minutenow youre a little bit saint-like all of a sudden?

Dont let success go to your head, Jen, especially since it was Grant Morgan who pulled the golden strings to find Dwayne in the first place, and wasnt it Summer who goaded you into starting the book and supplied you with the Okay, you made it all happen, but sitting on the shoulders of others. Dont forget that. If vanity displaces humility and you start gilding your deeds, know it.

metaphor that first allowed you to put your ideas into comprehensible form?

you become little more than a politician. That wouldnt become you and you Your mother wouldnt be waiting at the airport. She said she was

busy with some charity work but you suspect it had something more to do

with Dwayne, who she wasnt particularly fond of. Well, this is what taxis where you want to go. A Somali, or a newly-landed Iraqi whos only too happy to do it.

are for. When people dont pick you up, you pay an immigrant to drive you

Sandra was still at school, so you and Dwayne would have the house to

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yourselves for a while. To unwind. Your mother had been staying there

to look after her, but you were fairly certain shed move back home now.

Probably today. Shed been keeping up two households as it was, the maid you shared no doubt skipping back and forth between both places to keep everything spotless and fresh. The maid was from El Salvador, a little thing The rest of the time she was at your mothers beck and call, dusting and polishing everything for the umpteenth time.

with an exceedingly big heart. She usually came to your house once a week.

running battle with wind shearthe two of you deplaning and collecting your luggage in silence. Soon you find yourselves in the back seat of a taxi, the things. What am I doing here? is the question written all over his face. darker of the duo looking ill at ease with the traffic, the noise, the speed of

The planes landing is hairy but thats no surpriseOHare has a

arrive. Shes fascinated by Dwayne, or rather the IDEA of Dwayne, and

Sandra comes home early from school, not ten minutes after you

couldnt wait to meet him. You see this by the way she bursts through the front door, the anticipation evidently shaking her out of her lethargy and skepticism that there could be anything new under the sun. And you were fairly certain that this unprecedented enthusiasm isnt especially for you. She gives you the obligatory hug and turns to the object of her pent-

up curiosity. Look at his face, the poor guy. He knows hes Exhibit A and hes obviously trying to bear it with equanimity.

and irony, but she doesnt hear you. Her attention is fixed on the slight man before her with the doe eyes deep with the residue of recent pain. You at the thought.

Dwayne, this is my dutiful daughter Sandra, you say with both hope

suddenly fear for her virginityassuming its still intactand feel ashamed I hear you write poetry, she says to him almost breathlessly. Its a little hobby of mine, he replies with a modest nod. on paper? I write songs. Its like that, isnt it? Putting little pieces of your heart

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Youve never heard her talk like this. Sensitive-like. Somethin like that. Wrote a coupla songs myself. No kidding?

doubt pester him until she wrings out every shred of alien intelligence and not from around here.

You see by her face that she approves of him already and will no

emotion. She wont give up until she knows him. Good luck, kid. Dwaynes You put your arm around her, certainly out of affection but partly to steer

her away from him so he can relax a little. A scotch might go some way in bringing that about, so you ask Sandra to take Dwaynes bag to his room

and tell him to have a seat at the table out back while you pour a couple of restoratives. Hell drink his neat and so will you and in less than a minute youre handing him a glass and sitting down across from him. you to know whether he meant it was good or bad. garden.

Its like a botanical garden, this place, he says, a little too neutrally for Its one of the few places I could be alone. I used to have a vegetable Youre almost afraid to look over at it, arent you, knowing that your

mother disliked itthe dirtiness of itand would most certainly have told the gardener to ignore it so that the exposed soil would be concealed by a multiform cover of weeds. Or worse, it would be graded and sodded. As

you steel yourself and glance over, youre surprised to see that the plot is in fact bare earth, already worked and looking ready to plant. Not surprised shocked. The alcohol was doing its sure workyou poured plenty and

werent hesitant to ease it right downand by the look of Dwaynes glass, hes matching you sip for sip. what hes doing here. So whats on the agenda? he asks, as if he only has the vaguest idea I thought wed hang out for a few days, settle in, get over the jet lag,

stuff like that. You can write, go for walks, whatever. I can get started in the garden, though I know its really too late. Anyway, then I want to take you

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down to Springfield to meet the Governor. He said hed have a little dinner party for us and introduce you to some people. That might serve as a little insurance, like I told you. Dont give me that face, Dwayne. You want to stones at Goliath again, it wouldnt hurt to have a little backup. I know youre an island and all that, but still

get your blog up and running, dont you? If youre going to start throwing

glassas you do. He half-smiles at yousomething uncommon for him, even before they carted him offand you return it placidly. Then, you continue, Im going to take you around to the people I know. He stands up and looks down at you intently.

He finishes the last of his scotcha good third of an old-fashioned

Tell me when youve had enough and youll be back on a plane west.

eat around here?

How bout another drink of that hooch? And then can a man get a bite to

and a winch to get her out of bed. Shes sitting in the breakfast nook, continuing to quiz Dwayne about just about everything. Like pearls from the lips of God. heart do everything. So the words just come to you, like lightning bolts?

Sandra is up early and it surprises you. Usually it takes a crowbar

Thats so cool. Its like youre not doing the work at all. Youre letting your If thats what ya call it.

paycheck from the songs hes written, even while sitting here with her, shooting the breeze. Thats way cool. Wait til I tell Zack.

Shes even more bowled over when she finds out he collects a steady

Speaking of Zack, hes outside right now, laying on his horn impatiently. remembering as you do the morning ritual. It strikes you now how good its been to be away from itthe Zack part of it, anywayand the realization that youre back in the saddle again. In any case, for the first time she lingers Duty calls, you say to her with the slightest tartness in your voice,

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before shooting out the door like an errant pinball, bookless and fancy-free.

cup. Your espresso machines about ten years newer than Summers and puts out considerably more flavor. Hes well pleased. Apparently hes inspired to write, and you zip over to the garden center

Dwaynes quaffing your coffee with gusto, and you make him another

in the MercedesMaria had it prepped for youfor some tomato plants and a riot of seeds. Your mother had confirmed last night by phone that yes, she had the gardener work the bed for you, and you intend to go out

there and get your hands dirty. For sure it would calm your mind, lately so unsettled by your recent flight and the strangely ordered, manicured world of suburban Chicago.

a perfunctory hug but when you try to extend it into something more

That evening, your mother comes over for dinner. She gives you

expressive, she goes limp and you let her go. Okay, you know she loves you, so lets not try to force her to wear it on her sleeve. She may have been all hip for peace and love in 1967, but modern times demand realism, remember? Add to that the exigencies of having money and the propriety almost understandable. it requires, and her particular form of restrained self-management becomes She knows Dwayneshe met him long before you didbut isnt

on what youd call familiar terms with him. Would she be shocked if

she knew youd been naked with him half a dozen times or more, at the

hot pool and in the sweat lodge? And you wont tell her, either, will you, too convenient for her to bring up later in complaint when it suited her.

knowing it would create an image in her mind she couldnt eraseand far Why didnt she like him? Because of his race? That wouldnt befit her.

His vocation? Social standing? Hed been in prison three times!though Summer need to rob the cradle? shed asked upon her return from Big

twice on bogus charges and once as a minor. Or was it his age? Why does Sur that time. Whatever the reason, you could never imagine her lying in

his wiry and powerful arms as her sister did, feeling the animal within him

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within her, hungry and demanding its due but at the same time affirming her womanhood, her unmistakable desirability as a creature of flesh. Leda and the Black Swan! The potency of an ancient race taking her away! Could she like it with your father before his passing, that moment of truth where a

even conceive of such a thing? Had she experienced anything even remotely woman realizes a man wants to penetrate her being on the most fundamental level, needs to enter her with his most proud and private of allotments, so excited by his good fortune that his climax comes precipitously like a train

wreck and he spews his seed convulsively over the scattered cars? Hey Jen,

hardly a month without Dan and your endlessly imaginative libido is starting to raise its importunate head again? Why do so many of your thoughts lately which begin at A dont proceed logically to B but end up indecorously at X, Y or Z?

and a fresh Beaujolais. Your mothers already well-fortified with a double

Dinner is on the table. Champagne ham, mashed potatoes, snow peas

gin, and you and Dwayne a couple of prodigious scotches, maybe for your

own fortification. Dwayne must certainly feel the chill at the table, and you yourself yearn to be warmed, no doubt. Youre cutting the ham but in your mind youre standing over your mother with your hands on her temples

saying, In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to come out! and the demons would exit like so many Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs and plunge to their deaths over the nearest I-94 viaduct. Mom, what are you doing? Huh?

Sandra is staring at you in wonder.

Look how youre cutting the ham, she says.

Maybe it was the scotch. Look, youre sawing the ham in two. I dont know. I guess my mind is wandering. Must be jet lag, Dwayne offers, trying to cover for you. Let me do it. knife and he makes quick work of it, even serving with delicacy. All dig in. Dwaynes a great cook, so maybe he can carve, too. You hand him the

So, Dwayne, your mother says solicitously, wiping her mouth daintily

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with her pale-rose napkin, I assume you had a hard time of it. Do you feel sufficiently recovered? It was blunt but didnt seem to be meant as intrusive. Maybe it was her Recoverys all about time and intentions, he says. Ive had me both, I take it it was no picnic.

way of trying to empathize. and theres more to come.

for them who wanna get there faster. Sandras interest is stirred.

Youd be right about that. Hell do come in many forms, and on wheels

of food.

What was it like? she asks, apparently unaware that her mouth is full What was it like?

Dwayne muses a moment.

bare, boardin up the windows and lockin you in there for who knows how many months. Someone slips food through a crack in the door when its time to eat. You dont see nobody, you dont hear nobody. Once in a while,

All I can say, Sandy, is for you to imagine someone strippin your room

a guard with no face lets you out into a dog run maybe twenty feet long, five feet wide. Theres a hole in the roof and thats the only time you see the sky. You hang out there alone, run back and forth, do pushups or whatever, and that day after day. Thats all you do. Thats your life. then the guard makes you go back in your room and locks the door. You do Though few things seem to really touch her, Sandra is clearly horrified.

he killed two people! sensibilities.

From what Mom told me, Grant Morgan has it a lot better than that, and Sandra! you cut in, as much to defend Grant as to protect Dwaynes Well, its true, isnt it? What did Dwayne do that was so bad?

for you.

You might say I had a case of the morals in a time of war, Dwayne replies Your mother doesnt know what to make of it all. Though never a fan of

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Dwaynes, she looks to be moved by his brief recounting of life at Pelican Bay, and possibly even sympathetic about his reason for being there. Gin of a couple burgundies must have softened her up further. Is she trying and tonic always seemed to touch a humane chord in her, and the addition to come around, not on her sisters account but on Dwaynes? Maybe the demons were coming out of their own accord, being as they were in the presence of apparent virtuethough there were no pigs in sight. Perhaps she wasnt beyond the pale after all. It was all too much to contemplate and you steer the conversation to something more prudent, less subject to your own misinterpretation. After dinner, its back to the scotch again, you and Dwayne both. Lying in bed, youre thinking over the trials of the last six months.

Your mothers gone home, Sandra long asleep, and quiet descends on you.

lawyer impotent to stop it! Exactly one year ago you were a hot young thing on the Illinois legal scene, working at Chicagos top law firm and soon to be a senator you yourself were working with to take on the Patriot Act. Six asked to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by the incumbents untimely death, months later it all went pear-shapedyour brother dead, Grant Morgan was on trial for murder, your heart in tatters, Dwayne picked up by Homeland Security, Senator Kline dies, youd quit your job, left Sandra and run off to Big Sur to help Summerand now in the aftermath of all that you lie here with no means of support, a daughter on the verge of womanhood,

How life can get turned around! Two men going to prison, and you a

you yourself with an uncertain future, and not a tomato in the garden, not a your veins may dull the sharp edges at the moment but thats of little over again. The sharpness of life lately, the jaggedness of it.

subterranean carrot! Whats there to hold onto? The alcohol surging through comfort, is it. Youve got to get up tomorrow morning sober and it starts all You hear your door open and someone comes in. Sandra, come to

succor you, or to be succored. Yes, let her lie down beside you, put her head on your shoulder. Youd hold her tight and she you, and the two of you will

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become as one for auld lang syne. Maybe itll even calm your agitated heart. in from the streetlight at the end of the drive, you see that its not Sandra but Dwayne. He sits on the bed, saying not a word.

As the shape moves toward your bed and enters the dim light filtering

his appearance like this. It is, after all, Dwaynewith whom you share a bond and an understanding. Is it he who needs comforting? You put your hand on his forearm as if to say, Im here for you, because you are.

What is it, Dwayne? you ask, not at all taken aback or even puzzled by

pulls back the sheet and lies down beside you. Thats a little awkwardyoure sleeping naked tonight, as you usually do when the weathers warm and youve been drinking. Then, without warning, he puts his hand to your cheek, then your neck, then your breast. Dwayne

He doesnt move for a moment, as if pondering the inexplicable, then

moment, maybe trying it out, but only for a moment. Pulling back with one little tender peck, you put your hands to his face. What are you doing?

Its okay, he says and leans over and kisses you. You consent for a

I need you, he replies, his warm hand caressing your shoulder.

You need me? You belong to Summer, Dwayne. I couldnt possibly shouldnt, considering your condition. You jerk back from both tempting a cobra rearing its head from a basket. She says its all right. You asked her?

He cuts you off with another kiss and his hand strays to where it absolutely

points of contact. Something else is already at work now besides reason, like What about my aunt? you ask, making a sincere effort.

I dont cheat, Jen. You know I ain no cheater. She said its okay? Why would she say that? She loves me. And she knows I love her. So what do you want with me?

As if there are no words precise enough he begins his caress again, from

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your breasts to your stomach and beyond. God, you can hardly say you doesnt take much lately, does it, Jen.

dont want to because he can obviously feel that youre readyalready! It Dwayne you say but he puts a finger to your lips.

Dont say nothin, Jen. You and me we dont need to say nothin.

To Each His Own Garden At breakfast Dwayne is no different than usual and youre thankful

Chapter 14

for that. Last night after what was an incredible and, face it, much needed transfusion, he had left your room without a word. Now, there was no knowing smile, no furtive look begging exchange, no intimate pat on the

shoulder or elsewhere. In short, there was no tension and youre relieved. It was as if you hadnt acted madly and irresponsibly at allyoure behaving now like sharing your bodies with each other was hardly different from sharing a conversation or a warm croissant. When Sandra comes in, then,

you feel perfectly comfortable. Dwayne looks that way, too. What does that two displaced people taking comfort in one another under the anesthesia of with no meaning beyond the act itself? This was something utterly new to in which it happened.

mean? That somehow you were still friends? That it was a one-time thing, alcohol? Was it not sex, then, but an emotional palliative? Or was it just sex, youto be brought to that fearful bliss with no understanding of the context As you grind the beans for a couple of necessarily strong coffees, a

terrifying thought crosses your mind: had you been seduced? Seduction was vulnerable, knew you hadnt been with Dan in quite a whilethere are no

a refined form of rape, after all. Had Dwayne raped you? He knew you were secrets in Summers houseand knew that youd had too much to drink last

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night. Did he take advantage of you? It really hinged on one point: the fact that Summer had given her blessing. When youd heard that, you became a willing participant, didnt you. You were co-conspirator in that raw and impetuous ride. If what he said were true. But what if he lied? If it was a

story concocted to secure your compliance, he had raped you just as surely as if he had pinned you down in your drunken bed and taken you by force. A voice interrupts your train of thought. You gonna make that coffee or what?

Jennifer, whats the matter with you? You save his black butt from prison and he coming from?

You glance at Dwayne. Look at his facestrong and innocent. Hey

turns around and rapes you? Dwayne? Not likely. Not him. Wheres this paranoia Sorry, Dwayne. Im not completely myself yet.

days. What does it mean? Was this a new level of intimacy, or simply an

He smiles at you, or part of a smile at any rate. Thats twice in as many

item of his recovery process, where the world wasnt such a dark place after all? Or could he be falling for you? No, it was probably just a sign that you about the Japanese from Summer: uchi and soto, the people inside the were becoming a more inextricable part of his inner circle, like you learned circle and those without. Maybe for the first time you were becoming part of Dwaynes uchi, or had been all along and hes just getting comfortable enough with you to show it. Coffee for me, too, Mother, Sandra chimes in.

coffee you want. Until then, its hot chocolate or juice for breakfast. Preferably juice. She goes to the cupboard for the cocoa. Youve planted in her (sometimes

Listen to you. I told youwhen youre sixteen you can drink all the

intractable) consciousness that youre the overlord and gatekeeper until

shes of ageyoud rather it be eighteen but thats unrealistic nowadays after which she can assume control of her own body. Yes, the implication of that is contained in your message, and as you know she wont wait til

shes eighteen, especially with Zack hanging around all the time, you chose

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sixteen so as to delay her as long as possible but not so long that shell think its unfair and rebel. Does she get all this? Youve never really sat down and discussed it with hereverythings been subtle, encodedbut now that youre back home, you will, wont you? Of course you will. As a mother,

you owe it to her. And as a mother in possession of a revivified joie de vivre, as it were, admit ityoure curious about how far shes gone and how shes handling it all. Hopefully shes not far enough along that you can compare notes.

Once her head hits the pillow she sleeps like a hardwood oak slab,

Does she know that Dwayne came to your room last night? Its unlikely.

impenetrable by any sight or sound from without though one surmises full of swirling dreams within. No, the only way shed know would be if you and Dwayne gave off signals in the light of day or worse, she caught the

two of you in an embraceand that wasnt going to happen. In any case, it was a one-off thing, encouraged no doubt by the upset of a sudden change when you and she have your little talk. Nothin. Maybe. of scenery and precipitated by alcohol. Thus the subject need never come up Whatre you writing, Dwayne? Sandra asks.

Youre writing a poem, arent you? I wanna hear it.

No way. Anyways, its not finished. I just started it today. Please? Let me hear it? He looks at you with resignation, the same look he gives you when

Summer asks him to sing. Hes a man who gives nothing he doesnt want to, but doesnt hold back when asked to give of his heart. Such a rare thing! the tableand begins, if reluctantly, to read. a beast roams wild He opens the little notebookhed quickly closed it when she came by

feasting on whatevers there

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best watch out! then a tender creature

feels you as it feels itself

heart swaddled in cotton

the rub: both are the same creature You feel yourself blushing and turn away. Yes, thats right, Jennifer.

Youve got coffee to make. Shake a tail feather, baby.

god for even a meager harvest because youre about five months behind bedded in and watered, and today its a seed-fest for your gloveless and eager hands.

Youre in the garden again, on your knees praying to the Aztec corn

schedulethis is just a gesture then? The barren tomato plants are already

hand, and the world is yours, all yours. Youre feasting, arent you, on food for your spirit, food youre breathing in right now and feeling with soiled fingers. Here you feel real, and in control. If only you could give up the

Sandras at school, Dwayne has taken a walk somewhere, notebook in

orgasmic life and luxuriate exclusively in the pleasures of the garden. But that can never be, even with a proper and systematized renunciationask caught in a web, Jennifer, and you know the spider is always nearby. any number of that army of fallen priests across this wicked globe! Youre The sun is growing hot but you like it. You like to sweat. You sweat

during lovemaking, in the sweat lodge, in the humid Chicago Septembers. and you probably have more than your share, one might thinkand after a redeeming shower theres a lightness, a sensation of being once again fresh, somehow almost reborn. Your mother, on the other hand, abhorred

There was something cleansing about itridding your body of impurities, yes,

perspiration from any quarter and counseled you to avoid it. How curious

the varieties of human consciousness are, the fascinating shapes they take

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then seek to proselytize!

of pulling out something pleasing. Butternut squash, beans, banana peppers, at all out here, let it be Indian summer so you can at least get some decent seedlings here, something to look at with hope before the coming winter.

You reach blindly into the bag containing the seed packets, confident

and two or three others. Good luck, Jen. If youre going to pray for anything

And dont forget the flowers. This year youve got a packet of wildflowers, garden. Good luck with that, too. And last but not least, several precious sunflower seeds from last years spindlier of two beauties that with raw

with which one assumes youll try to create a decorative garland around the

energy and one might guess even willpower eventually nearly caught up with its hardier cousin. You, always a sucker for the underdog! And you lay out your various seeds not according to economy of space or in view utilized here in past seasons. Werent you something of an artist, then,

of orderlinessnot you, Jenbut by your own aesthetic compass so well visualizing in color and 3-D what you wanted to see months down the track, and planting accordingly? The garden was your canvas, though the future image was latent. Might your job be even harder that of a painter, who gets immediate sense impressions with every stroke? Jennifer da Vinci, sacred you pleasure. artisan extraordinaire, and so full of herself! You chuckle, and doesnt it give

six-pack under his arm. Always.

Dwayne comes home for lunch with two lamb korma take-outs and a

Hungry? he asks. He nods and retrieves a couple of glasses from the cabinet. They gave me some plastic spoons. Rustic, you reply. Lets eat outside; itll be a picnic.

pours you a beer.

the containers, you slide one across the table to him and hand him a spoon. He

You carry the food and he the drinks and sit at the table out back. Opening

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You work in the garden today? he asks. I can see your hairs still wet. This is good.

Yeah, and I sweat like a sow, too. I just got out of the shower. You spoon some curry over the rice and dig in. Mommas recipe, he replies, again with that smile, or rather hint of one. over the landscaped yard, park-like in its size and articulation, exchanging the occasional comment about something or other but in general just enjoying the sunny ambiance of the surroundings. Dwayne goes into the house and comes out with two more beers. Youre not much of a beercurry makes a second round welcome. He pours. drinker, but your thirst from working in the garden and the spicy tang of the You want to ask him if he finished the poem he started writing this The next fifteen minutes or so are spent eating and drinking, looking out

morning but think better of it. Like Grant Morgan, Dwayne was something of a mystery, and in spite of your profession beating just about all the romantic notions out of you, some part of you still relished the intrigue of a man unable to be fully known. The mystique and all that. Why was that important to you? But about Dwaynes poem, theres something more, isnt last night, and maybe you dont want to know too much about it. After all,

there. Youre fairly certain that what he wrote was related to what happened what good would come of that knowledge? If he were to pronounce himself the beast, as in the poem, or if he had regrets because he found out that you were, such information could only take away from your memory of the

experience. No, let it remain that warm and enigmatic encounter, something to be looked back on secretly, maybe even wistfully, when the work was finished here and Dwayne was back in California. silence. He asked us to go down tomorrow.

The Governor called, you say abruptly, breaking the mellow spell of Dwayne looks at you but says nothing. Clearly hes ambivalent about it.

No doubt hed like a little backup so he can do his work unhindered, but he has no intention of jumping through hoops to get it.

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a nice man. I promise you that therell be no need for groveling. Dont go tryin to read my mind, girl. You smile at him.

Dont worry, Dwayne. Unlike many politicians, the Governors truly He tries to give you a disapproving look, though failing completely.

And Im just saying that I wont put you in any situation where you might feel you have to compromise yourself. or by his regard for you, or both.

I wouldnt think of it. I just know you a little better than you think I do.

He seems to take offense at this though its moderated, either by the beer Thats lawyer talk. White lawyer talk. Youre coverin your ass so if

anythin goes wrong, you can say, I didnt mean for that to happen. And need no woman runnin interference for me. Im sorry. I didnt mean to

Im tellin you that I can take care of myself, whatever the situation. I dont Hey, feel your cheeks, Jen. Suddenly theyre burning up! Silence. Dwayne seems to soften.

you for it. Im outa line here, not you.

No, Im sorry. Youre tryin to do somethin for me and Im jumpin on You look at him with surprise. In the time youve known him and the hours

youve spent with him, youve never known him to apologizenot even to Summer. Your pride goes up two notches but look, so does your guilt. Why is that? Because youve usurped something that rightfully should belong to better than you and it seems strange that he treats you as an equal? Was he

Summer? Or is it because you sometimes get an uneasy sense that Dwaynes better than you? He was certainly stronger, and wasnt afraid to put himself rightnever.

on the lineeven his freedomwhen was the last time you did that? Thats Anyway, you say with as much neutrality of emotion as you can manage,

I thought wed drive down. It takes maybe three hours, and you can see some of our bucolic Illinois along the way. He looks off into the distance.

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used to say.

Motor down in that Mercedes Benz. Ride the cushion, my daddy

pondering the days activities, its rich emotions. The morning poem, the garden, the lunch with Dwayne and the drive to the library to pick up some books for himhe had really looked in his element there among the shelvesbut then he looked equally at home with a hammer in his hand, or a mandolin. And after dinner Sandra had taken him to her room to read didnt it, that she took an interest in someone other than herselfand her stump-tailed Zack. And you reckon she judged Dwayne rightlyhe was someone worth unmasking oneself to. And later, the convivial sharing of stories about his barefoot boyhood in the South, Mark Twain-like.

Night now, the house dark and silent once again, youre in bed

lyrics to songs and fragments of songs shed written. It made you feel good,

Baileys on ice while she drank chocolate milk and listened to Dwayne tell It had been a good day, full of meaning and satisfying variety. Youre

starting to feel almost normal again after having been uprooted from your

happy home in Big Sur. Its too bad Summer isnt here to share it with you.

been on country time for months. Yet youre really not that sleepy, are you. Is it the thoughts of today that make your mind feel restless, or the anticipation of tomorrow? Tomorrow could be momentous, and for sure youre hoping itll go smoothly. A noise at your door? A somber shape enters, closing the door behind. In the soft glow

You look at the clock. Eleven-fifteen. Early by city standards but youd

of the streetlight you see that its Dwayne again. What, again? He comes to your bed, methodically pulls back pure satin and lies beside you, his hand feeling for your body and, finding it naked once more, slides down unreservedly permitting him, wonderingor worryingthat this might become recurrent or even customary. Dwayne

to that hidden chamber of his delight and yours. You surprise yourself by

Shhh, he whispers. No need to talk.

With regret and growing excitement, you open yourself once again to him.

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The Governor Talks Big The drive to Springfield is uneventful. Once out of Chicago, traffic

Chapter 15

was light and the Mercedes a smooth horse to ride at speed. Now, more

than two hours along, the scenery is countrifiedfarms stretched out over ubiquitous billboards for products youd probably never use; signs for

flats and rolling hills, the late green of autumn crops painting them coolly; forgettable bypassed towns filled with honest, hardworking people. And dont forget the signposts advising how far to the next burger drive-in. Critical information for an appreciable hunk of the population, apparently. twirled your hair, diddled your ear lobe while youre driving. Not that you want him to, right? This was Dwayne after all, Summers Dwayne and your good friend. You havent the least romantic feeling for him, according to your forbidden shore the last two nights running? Because hes a man and he well thought-out calculations. Why, then, have you gone with him to the must, and youre a woman and you so choose? Is that reason enough, Jen, or should you apply some larger meaning in order to justify it? Or do you need to justify it at all? If only he would touch you now, start pawing you Dwaynes been quiet. Interesting, how he hasnt touched your leg,

and going for your neck so you could pull over and say, Thats itthis is

going to end right now. That would be a relief, would it not? An end to the complications. But at the moment there were too few complications. What could be simpler than the tender sharing of voluptuous pleasure between two people who loved and respected each other? Why must you have an opinion about it at all, or care what other peoples opinions might be? Your mothers, for example! Or Sandras, you think with a pang. Well,

maybe for her sake youd best be careful. You dont want to give her the gods sake.

idea that she can throw her twat around so freely. Shes barely fifteen, for Look at Dwayne. He seems oblivious to anything but the passing

trees, the living green hills. Has he thought at all today about how he had

plumbed your depths last night and made you shamelessly effervesce

like a too-warm soda? Has he relived any of his own sensations from that experience? Or was that brief and lawless union a thing apart, to purloin Shelleys remark again, and now in the harsher world of cold reality he had Robbie, with whom you could talk so comfortably about these very things. Now you have to negotiate the wilderness on your own. Dwayne looks at you looking at him. Whats up? he asks.

other more pressing thoughts on his mind? How you yearn for your brother

Anything you might ask about his own take on it might result in an answer too uncomfortably enthusiastic or maybe worse, just the oppositeand unsettling enough to upset you, drive a wedge between you two. Thats the last thing you wanted. Dwayne was like familyyou had come plenty far in such a brief timeand besides, he was one of the few men youd met

Wouldnt it be good to talk to him about it, though you dont dare.

who was, well, as Summer said, a man. Any list youd make of the real item would have Dwayne and Grant at the top, the fact that youd slept with both of them notwithstanding. That was a bonus, as it were, and probably makes you luckier than most. Nothing, Dwayne. I do that sometimes. Look at you.

encouraged you to speak, preferring instead to let you let out only what

Hes not really the type to care, one way or the other. He has never

wants out of its own accord. Come to think of it, hes never asked you how to read it in your voice, your tone. Poets were funny that way, you think;

you felt, right from the first time you met him, though he might well be able they could allegedly see what wasnt there. Or what was there all along but no one else saw it. Youre surmising now, Jennifer. You have no idea what they didnt exist at all if one werent sitting right next to you. down to earth. a poet is, and being a well-schooled professional, youd be likely to believe Need to stop and stretch your legs? you ask, trying to come back

Not much call for that in this car, he replies, the answer seeming to

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totter on the fence between compliment and aspersion. Finding the Governors Mansion was fairly easy with the navigation screen

at your fingertips. The last time you were here, you flew and the Governors niece Ruth had picked you up at the airport, so a little technical assistance wasnt out of line. Ah, Ruthie, the girl who said her boyfriend loved her for remember your parting words to her? Shoot him.

her freckles and she didnt know whether to thank him or shoot him. Do you This time there was a doorman on the steps, and he motions for you to

pull in right up front, next to what some people would call a big black left an impression on Dwayne, though whether a good one or not you

limousine. Apparently he was going to park the car for you. It must have werent sure. In any case, your door is opened for you and you get out with about to knock when the door opens. Ruth!

a perfunctory thank you. Dwaynes already out. You go up the steps and are

Washington?

Hi. I saw you coming up the drive. Cmon in. Then: Youre Dwayne Thass mname, he says playfully, to your surprise; dont wear it out. Look at her face. She likes him already. Uncle Johns waiting in the study. He says hes opening some 18-year-old Sounds like a plan, you say and follow her through the Old World foyer

scotch for you.

and down a wood-lined corridor. By the way, Ruth. Are you still with your boyfriend, the one who loved your freckles? You shot him?! Him? No, hes long gone. I decided to take your advice.

and some of the people who come here, I realized he was kinda shallow. Not that Im not, but at least I can talk about more than sports and whats new on the menu at the Chicken Shack. She leads you and Dwayne to a door, knocks and sticks her head in.

No! she laughs. I mean I dumped him. After hanging out with my uncle

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See you tonight, Ms Knox.

Theyre here. Then to you before ushering you in, she whispers, Okay. Youll be at the dinner, then? Thats great. Ill talk to you later.

Sure. Im not just a gofer anymore. I got promoted to press liaison! Once inside, you greet the Governor, whos just now pouring the drinks. Jennifer. Welcome back to Springfield. Mr Washington? Ive heard a lot Governor.

He looks every bit the old Southern gentleman. of complimentary things about you.

They shake hands and John Clary hands each of you a glass.

Well do our toasts tonight. Sit down; you must have had a long drive. Like Dwayne says, we rode the cushion, so it wasnt bad at all. You each sit in one of the dark leather chairs. This is sippin whisky, Dwayne comments on his drink. occasions. So, Jennifer, hows your mother?

One of the perks of office, Clary says, though I save it for special Same as ever. Still treating me like I was a teenager, you say with a laugh. I saw her at the club when I was up in Chicago about a month ago. She Some people say shes delicate, especially since Father died, but shes I dont doubt shell hit ninety. Shes got a will, that woman. He turns to your silent consort. Can I call you Dwayne? Jennifer has kept me up to date on your situation,

looked well.

strong as a horse. Shell probably outlive me.

ever since she first came to me for help. I called everyone I knew who might have had some influence, even leaned rather hard on some of them, but Im sorry to say I hit an absolute wall. I preciate you tryin. I do. Dwayne hesitates a moment.

It must have been hard for you. Im sittin here now, so it couldntve been that hard.

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The Governor, usually so gracious and mild, gets a steely look in his eyes. Morgan, when no one else lifted a finger, people who could have. Good Americans who probably should have. Dwayne, Jennifer e-mailed me Youre sitting here because of the efforts of Jennifer and a certain Grant

some writings from your blog and I want you to know that I was intrigued. I think you and I are working for much the same thingwhich is a better countrythough you must know that as a public official I support change at a slower pace than youd probably like to see. Nevertheless, I believe were in common cause and thats why I invited you here.

he doesnt seem to be fazed at all. Is he so self-contained that hes unmoved by the approbation of a powerful man? Or is it that hes distrustful of what the Governors saying? Any man untowardly thrown into prisonmore than once!must be suspicious of authority and its pronouncements. If so, it length.

Big words, coming from the Governor of Illinois! But look at Dwayne

wouldnt be surprising if he kept the Governor and others like him at arms I thank you for your kindness, he says.

Governor stands.

As you finish your drinksthey seemed to be judiciously smallthe Well, therell be plenty of time for talk later. Ive got a few more

appointments, so Ill let you two relax before dinner. Ruthie will show you for walking. Most of the roses are still in bloom. Well eat at seven. If you need anything before then, just pick up the phone in your room. Thanks, Governor, you say. For everything. He takes your hand warmly in both of his. You put your glass on a side table and Dwayne does the same.

to your rooms. Weve got lovely gardens in the back, if youre in the mood

that regardless of what you decided, I hoped wed have a long and cordial relationship. I remember. And I feel the same.

I told you before, Jennifer, when I offered you that job in Washington

And Dwayne, please make yourself at home. I mean that.

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He shakes Dwaynes hand and you hope Dwayne sees his sincerity. Thanks for your hospitality. Come, Ill walk you out.

in a dark suit are talking quietly in front of the Governors office down the hall, the same one you sat in months ago and had been invited into the world of politics.

You enter the corridor and stroll toward the front door. Ruth and a man

brought in?

Ruthie, will you show them to their rooms and see that their bags are Sure, she replies as the Governor nods to you and disappears into his I think youre gonna like the room, Ruth says to you, leading the way.

office with the man.

When Adlai Stevenson was the governor, Lauren Bacall slept there. Something there is that doesnt love a wall. Ease up, Dwayne, you say. petal.

Hes touching one of the roses, running a thin black finger over a velvet What makes you think Im not?

I trust the Governor. Hes old school and says what he means. You can see that, cant you? What does it matter what I see?

I know your world and this world dont seem like much of a match, but

that. Its important for your futureand maybe even for your physical safety. But more than that, I think its important for you as a man. His eyes flash with sudden anger. What do you know bout bein a man?

It matters a lot. Today is big, Dwayne; very big. Surely you can appreciate

got to be something inside you that says these people, or people like them, were in on itor stood by and let it happen. So youve closed that door.

I know you are one, but I also know youve taken a beating. And theres

Youre saying theres no way theyre going to get through it. Im telling you,

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for the sake of your soul, your wholeness, to open it. Youre so full of it, Jennifer. Am I? Then whatre you doing here, Dwayne? You came this far because

theres still hope in you. Tell me Im wrong. All Im saying is to take the big a man you really are. Show them youre not afraid. Fuck you, Jen.

next step and open up so these people can see who you are. Show them how

no resistance.

You grab him hard by the collar of his shirt and twist till its tight. He offers If I didnt love you so much, I wouldnt take that from you, my high-

handed accomplice! Now you listen to me. Im asking you to trust me. Ive never asked you for anything before but Im asking you now. Look at me, Dwayne.

unpleasant about it. Its more like defensive barbed wire hastily erected around the perimeter.

Hes got defiance in his eyes but theres nothing malevolent or even

Trust me, you repeat. Im asking you. Im asking you now, Dwayne. What, youre getting tears in your eyes? Yes, ones running down your

cheek right now. You release your hold on Dwaynes shirt, touch his arm

with your hand, turn silently and walk back to your room. You could use a pillow wet.

lie-down before dinner. Hopefully you wouldnt get Lauren Bacalls damned

Its Ruth, looking ten years older with make-up and her hair elegantly done. What a princess you are, you say. My uncle said tonight wasnt supposed to be all that formal, but I kinda You look gorgeous.

Its nearly seven and theres a light knock at your door. You open it.

like to do myself up once in a while. She smiles appreciatively.

You look good, too. Are you ready to go? I am. Shall we make our entrance?

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The next door down is Dwaynes and you stop to knock. little before everyone arrived.

Oh, hes already gone, she says. My uncle wanted to talk to him a Thats curious. You wonder what he had in mind. Hey Jen, are you feeling

a little protective of Dwayne? Hes a big boy; he doesnt need someone to hold his hand. Still, this is your world, not his, and he could probably do better with a guide.

are inside, both standing with drinks in hand, talking in low tones. you have, Jen?

Ruth leads you to the study; the door is open. The Governor and Dwayne There they are, Clary says, shifting gears with polished aplomb. Whatll Same as before, thanks. Ruthie? Nothing for me. Im going to help Aunt Kate set out the flowers. Exit Ruthie, perky and all grown-up looking. What did you think of the garden? the Governor asks over his shoulder

from a drinks cabinet considerably more decked out than it was this afternoon. Ice? he asks. Yes, theres ice now, too. No thanks. And the garden was lovely.

They dont tell me, of course, but the gardeners hearing is quite acute.

Not too stately? Some people complain that its a bit on the formal side. My landscapings on the formal side, toothat was my mothers

influencebut I can indulge my primitive side in the vegetable garden. If I didnt have a place to get my hands dirty, I dont know what Id do. Clary gives you your drink. By the soft look of his eyes and Dwaynes less

guarded ones, theyve had one or two already. You scrutinize Dwayne.

Tweed blazer and a black sport shirt. Crisp dark trousers. He looks good, Professor.

almost academic. If he pulled out a pipe now, someone was sure to call him Dwayne and I have been having quite the discussion, the Gov says. Im sure. Dwayne looks at you.

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bit ironic.

The man thinks I have a future, he says without sounding the least This is how I see it, Jennifer. Our country is full of talent but Im

convinced there arent enough channels for its expression. The rarified air

at the upper level means there are precious few people there. Its doubtful if from literature to medicine to even politics. Correct me if Im wrong. The only exception is entertainersmovie stars, athletes and the like. Most of the rest trudge on in obscurity, their talents wasted on making a living or, seen it often, Jen, you and Ia sudden interest in interior design, which

the average person could name ten distinguished individuals from any field,

if the money does start flowing in, looking for ways to live wellweve clubs to join, who to invite to a party, how to better to display ones antiques fully realized and thus languishes.

or sports cars or whatever. The actual gift that society might receive is never Thats so, seconds Dwayne as if he were in a Southern Baptist church.

how does it relate to Dwayne? Youre about to ask him when a man looking very much like a butler enters, followed by a younger man with thinning hair, wearing a blue blazer with gaudy gold buttons. Senator Robert King, the attendant announces.

The Governor talks a good line, but does he mean that literally? And if so,

Clary to the vacated U.S. Senate seat. Whats it to be, Bob? Rum and cokes fine.

Bob King, former Chicago City Council alderman appointed by Governor

hasnt set him straight. It had to be scotch, or at the very least gin, though that was usually for the wives.

Rum and coke, thats a good one. Youre surprised someone in Washington

with a crystalline clink. He serves the drink and leaves.

The butler, who has lingered, does the honors. The ice goes into the glass Congratulations on your appointment, you say.

kindergarten to a South Side high school.

Thanks. I thought Chicago politics was rough, but its like comparing

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work there. The challenge must be exhilarating, though.

I get periodic reports from some of my old law school friends who I feel like a grunt in boot camp, but they say it gets better. Senator, this is Dwayne Washington, Clary says. Hello, Dwayne. The Governor has told me a good bit about you, but Ill try to oblige you, Senator.

Id like to hear more.

and announced.

Before anything else can transpire, two additional guests are shown in Mr John Spangler and Mr Ken Clawson.

to interview for partner not seven months ago. That, too, you had turned down. Hello, Jennifer; nice to see you again.

Spangler! From New Yorks Spangler and Loeb, where you were invited

moist and fleshy and not a hint of bone.

As soon as he takes your hand in his, you remember the feeling: baked ham, He shakes hands with Clary, then King, then Dwayne. Likewise.

So this is the guest of honor, he says. Im glad to meet you, Dwayne. Hello, John, says the second man to the Governor.

for our Illinois State Police. Now hes with Homeland Security, he says, turning deliberately to Dwayne. Hi, Ken, you say, shaking hands.

Hello, Ken. Jennifer, Ive known Ken since he was a special investigator

feeling something inside. Dwayne.

Pleasure to meet you, Ken, Dwayne says, looking unfazed but certainly

smooth the rough edges before dinner.

They shake hands and drinks are proffered. Alcohol and small talk to What was going on with Dwayne? It wasnt enough that you had thrown

him at the feet of the Governor of Illinois, but then John Spangler, name partner in New Yorks top law firm, who Dwayne had heard an earful of from you when relating that self-aborted deal; then Senator Bob King

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joining the pack, who you had also described to Dwayneyouth and

inexperience concealing what you were sure was ruthless ambition; and

the wild card in the deck, this ex-cop Clawson, now doing his gunning for Homeland SecurityDwayne was starting to look more like a sacrificial lamb than guest of honor. Admit it, if you didnt trust the Governor so much, you just might haul Big D out of here, hightail it back to Chicago and put him on a plane for California. The guardian in you wants to stand next to

him and take his arm, as if to say that this man doesnt stand alone. Even so, being outnumbered two to one as you were and the power differential being what it is, youd surely be crushed. If crushing was in the cards in this ToryClary. And so must Dwayne, he knowing full well that if youre wrong, his goose is fucking sauted. Ideas of substance can hardly be debated while six people stand

stacked deck. Again, you come back to your original thought: you trust John

around shooting the breeze, so the conversation meanders capriciously until the Governor sees that the newcomers glasses are empty and suggests a all as he goes to get his wife. When everyones at the table and standing move to the dining room. He rings for Ruth, who comes to escort one and before their individual name cards, he enters with her and introduces her as Katherine. Shes well-preserved for a woman of her age, and both her demeanor and the condition of her skin reveal that she comes from a good eyes, so the Procrustean predilections of class and the onerous trials of assessment, anyway.

familyi.e., money. She does, however, have a sweet smile and twinkling politics havent seemed to pock-mark her character like some. Thats your The Governor sits at the head of the table, flanked by you and

his wife, while Dwayne is two seats down, strategically placed between to you. Apparently the Governor has already had his discussion with

Spangler and Clawson, with the Senator across from him. Ruth sits next Dwayneearlier, in privateand he wants the three guests to have their chance. Dwayne, no doubt unfamiliar with seating protocol, probably doesnt feel slighted in the least to be at that end of the table and not the

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end at all but at the corner. Is the Governor counting on this? In any case, Dwayne is holding forth with the high-rollers like he had equal coin in breaks it up. his pocket, and only the tapping of a glass by the Governor, standing now, Messieurs and Mesdames, welcome. Its my great pleasure to have

Mr Dwayne Washington at table with us tonight. I beg your indulgence a moment. You see, were involved in a war that knows no border, with an

enemy without a facethe very lack of something to hold onto, point upon

which to pin our understanding, probably makes it natural that we would be

inclined, even driven, to overkill. Were moral beings in this nation, most of

us, but were not saints. Simple patriots, we band together against a common foe. This man Dwayne in our midst has said weve gone too far. Whether we agree or not, perhaps its our duty to listen. That is, after all, a hallmark of is at least worth hearing. Dwayne Washington is such an individual, yet democracy: if an individual speaks with sincerity and reason, the message when he spoke with reason, he was punished. Nowadays, it seems like truth questioned the wisdom of being in Iraq, as well as other understandable if sometimes less than noble actions our government has taken elsewhere in

needs an institutional affiliation, and even then, walks on eggshells. His blog

this war on terror. Jennifer has been good enough to provide me with copies of these blog entries and although I find his views somewhat different from my own, I sincerely believe he has the right to express them. Though they severely criticize the governments policies abroad, I find them neither

treasonous nor offensive. They were perhaps too reasonable, and such logic can easily seem seditious in unreasonable times. When the nation thinks as one, the man out of step looks suspicious. Not only is it unjust, but theres a greater danger here: that we confirm the idea that the nation must think as one; that we embrace the very mindset we so abhor in our enemies.

a willingness to listen. And especially I toast Dwayne, who suffered for our then, please hold up your glass to a man I believe to be a patriot because he

So I toast all of you who have come here tonight, because it represents

sins and now sits among us, without rancor. If you can find it in your hearts,

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believes in this country and was willing to put his liberty on the line to say that it could be better. There are no dissenters, fortunately, as all hold up their glasses. Look

at Dwayneso self-assured, so unmoved! And now hes standing up as the Governor sits. Whats he going to say to this motley and august group?

me from the very beginnin. I preciate that. You know, when I was in Pelican Bay, sittin in my little room all day, nary a sight nor sound to distract me, I some mess here. And they ain gonna let you get out of it. No lawyer, no did me plenty of thinkin. Dwayne, I says to myself, you got yourself into charges, no trial. No visitors. This heres your life now; this place, this room. Make peace with it. And thats what I did. I found out how to live with no tomorrow. I found out how to wake up in the mornin and instead of sayin,

Thank you, Governor, for your kind words. I know you tried to help

What am I gonna do today?, say, Just keep goin. Dont stop or they win. Ya see, I didnt want em to win. I reckoned if they beat me, they could say, See, if he gives up like that, he didnt have anythin much to say, did he.

So every day when I got up, I just put it in my mind that I wasnt gonna give up. I was gonna last one more day. Just one more day, like a damn alcoholic. But every one of them days led me closer to where I am now, a free man. again. I ain healed yet. Sometimes I cant sleep, and I feel like if I dont have my time I see the sun, or another human face, I feel better. Tonight I got seven wanna hurt any one of you. I say that from my heart. If anybody thinks I on my mind, thats all. I grew up in Mississippi, and maybe sometimes I couldnt say how I felt. Sometimes I was afraid to speak. But Im a man to say, I wanna be able to say it. Theres nothin more to it than that. Governor, you said I bear no rancor. I hope thats true. But the fact is, He pauses. No one says anything. Dwayne doesnt move. He begins

woman right there, Ill go crazy. Didnt know I had such feelins. But every of em lookin back at me. That feels good. When I wrote that stuff, I didnt went too far, Im sorry for that. I didnt mean no harm. I just had somethin

now and I dont wanna be afraid no more. Thats all it isif I got somethin He sits. Silence all around. The three heavyweights the Governor invited

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seem deep in thought. The Governor, too. And his wife Katherine just might have a bit of moisture in her eye, youre not sure. Ruth is still looking at you. Dwayne has definitely left an impression, but what kind, you dont really know. The Governor, ever the good host, intervenes. him, seemingly spellbound. You try to assess the mood but you cant, can

Thank you, Dwayne. Very well said. And now lets eat, shall we? Its been a long day, and as is your wont you replay all its events

in your mind as you lie in bed before sleep, especially the dinner that may

prove so important to Dwayne in alleviating some of the resentment he must have, and even safeguard his future freedomas he plans to go back to his doubt added vigor. former activities and will probably do so with renewed commitment and no Tomorrow it was back to Chicago. Some late afternoon work in the

garden might be in order. Calm you a little, right? Today had been incredibly importanta lot was riding on it for Dwayne but you were doing it maybe even more so for Summerand time alone would tell if the results would be fruitful. Sure, in your work you had had many such momentous days,

but your many months of life rustic in Big Sur had decelerated you to the point that youve nearly forgotten what its like to have to stand tall among people and at the ready. Youre distracted by the sound of your door opening? Dwayne?

Though the room is dark, you see his now-familiar silhouette against the light from the hall. Why are you not surprised? Is this becoming habit now, and the fact that the Governor and his wife live here, and Ruthie as

well, means little in the overall scheme of things? Or perhaps tonight was to talk about it. Compare notes, see if you read it the same way he did; something along those lines.

different. For sure this evening was extraordinary and maybe he just wants

your breast under the covers. Youre wearing silk pajamas tonight and he

Your supposition crumbles when he sits on the bed and reaches for

seems to be caught off guard, fumbling with the fabric along the neckline

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in order to slip his hand inside, which he finally does. You say nothing, nor does he. Why do you give him such easy access? Why dont you say, Go him to, do you. Instead, a strange and irrepressible inclination takes hold back to your room, Dwayne and see what he does? Because you dont want of your mindthough you inexplicably welcome itand you want to be

taken to that place again, that place with a thousand feelings and no name. there.

And you know by now that hes quite able and more than willing to take you

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Careful What You Wish For Time do hustle on by, you back in Chicago now, sitting in a waiting

Chapter 16

room, waiting. The man on the other side of the door is a literary agent, a youre here to talk to him about it.

friend of your mothers. Youve e-mailed him your book manuscript. Now The receptionist is cordial but frazzled. Shes got too much to do and

not enough hands to do it withher unconventional boss works alone so

theres no army of secretaries or readers or interns like in the big New York agencies. She no doubt makes the coffee, too. What was her name again? How quickly it slipped your mind. The agents name, however, you know. Barry Schwartz. Youd

been a practicing attorney here for fourteen years so you know a lot of

names. Did he know yours? Of course he did. Everyone does. An invitation to forward your manuscript to him only took a thirty-second call. Still, a promise to read a manuscript and an offer to represent it were two different things. And even if he takes it on, thats only the first portal. Next were the pried open. And yes, you knew their most likely response: Chi-chihuahua, seoritano eez commercial enoff. Publishing is no longer nurtured by erudite Jewish bibliophiles just as much interested in ideas and the social many narrow doors of the publishing houses, one of which would have to be

good as making a buck, but by conglomerates asking the incessant question: Dnde est el dinero? Remember what Kurt Vonnegut said near the end of his career? If I were starting out today, nobody would publish me. The third portal, of course, is the American mind. What kind of

ideas, or persuasive advertising campaign, would it take to get people

out there to read the book? Do they actually give a stuff about Jeffersons Do they care about the sanctity of the law? Maybe their idea of justice is TV, where the law is debased in favor of mawkish sentiment toward the

vision of America, or would the one of Bubba and Wall Street prevail? more aligned with the way the mock-iconic Alan Shore once practiced on

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defendant. Give the public what it wants, eh? Give them Barabbas!

a time, okay? See what happens at the first portal before you start speculating about the hidden heart of the masses. Barry Schwartzs is the first house on the block. If he asks you what youll do to help promote the book, tell im youre a whore for an idea and will go all the way.

Whoa, stop the music! Wherere you going with this, Jen? One step at

All-confident, all-knowing. Throw in effetely good-looking and graying at the temples. Jennifer? Barry Schwartz. Please, step into the inner sanctum.

The door opens and an ex-Yale Skull-and-Bones-looking guy steps out.

though the bookcases are packed with books. It gives the impression that he you know from seeing his reserved spot in the parking garage that its a spanking new S Class Mercedes. You sit. He sits. Hows your mother?

His office is much sparer than the demeanor of the man, almost austere,

drives a Volvo and eats cut-rate Brie on crackers with the professors, though

Shes well, thanks. She sends her regards. He leans back in his chair. She told me. Not Mother. I took her to dinner once. Not long after your father died. I thought she needed a shoulder to cry on. I found that out. She declined a second invitation.

I think she still has great attachment to him. To this day.

invited it. He seems overly familiar. Does this mean youre on board here, or does he proceed this way with all his prospective clients? About your book, he says. Tell me how you came to write it.

You arent used to exchanging such particulars with strangers, though he

An awakening of sorts?

Was there an answer to that? What could you sayinspiration? Indignation? Thats a difficult question, Barry, but one that deserves an honest answer. You consider a moment.

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first..When I was in fifth grade, I saw a boy get kneed in the thigh by a

Well, its not something I sat down and thought about. At least not at

sixth grader. A teacher saw it but didnt do anything. All day long the boy

was limping, and on his face I saw something that, looking back, was both

wounded animal and maybe volcano of rage. The next day I saw him try to avoid the older boy, and the next. He must have been afraid. That really left be formed in my mind about it wasthats not fair. an impression on me, although at the time the only coherent thought able to This reflection pains you, doesnt it. You pause for a moment to see

where it might lead. Barry looks at you with tactful silence.

and one sides proposition was that teachers shouldnt interfere in any but the most extreme cases because it taught the students self-reliance. That was the winning side, by the way. I think thats when I decided I wanted to become a lawyer. The innocent needed a champion. The law, if properly written and applied, would protect them. But there was another element as well. It

In high school, you continue, we had a class debate about bullying,

dawned on me that kids could often victimize each other with impunity but if they disobeyed the teacherswhat we might call subversive behavior they would be taken down immediately. This is probably boring you. Not at all. Well, in my law practice the focus was really on interpersonal

relationshipswho did what to whom, and was there redress; or in my

early days in criminal law, should they go to prison for it. But when the

Patriot Act came out, that second element from high schoolchallenging the teachersreared its head again: one might get away with just about anything but one couldnt criticize the government too vehemently without somewhere without worrying about an unwelcome knock on your door. In Jeffersons America! And innocent people got hurt. After a couple of government who had similar ideas and we started to formulate a plan. Senator Kline?

fear of retribution. Suddenly you couldnt even be a member of a relief fund

agonizing years of wondering what I might do about it, I found a person in

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You know?

for that speech of his in the Senate.

An educated guess. He was the salt of Illinois but took a lot of heat His politics were a lot different from mine but we did share a common

idea. His death threw me off track but when my aunt told me that her partner had been picked up by Homeland Security for blogging too earnestly against the warthat did it for me. I go back to what I felt in elementary schoolit wasnt fair. And since I had lost my pipeline to Washington, the only thing left was to write about it. This is too great a country with too important a heritage to let undiscerning minds spoil the party. It frustrates meI cant were a concert pianist, could I be satisfied playing an old Yamaha upright, knowing that audiences deserved a Steinway?

stand to see the law dragged down. Im a lawyer, Barry. I practice law. If I

feelings ran deep. I think I understand better why now.

Im not surprised, Jennifer. I knew by reading the manuscript that your Have I lost objectivity? Maybe Ive invested too much emotion.

Hes looking at you thoughtfully, without giving away his position.

read it? Maybe a small collection of jurists, but I suspect you dont trust

On the contrary. If it were written as a legal treatise, who would care to

them to bring about the changes you want because as you yourself wrote,

surprisingly few have done anything to stand against the injustices that you to touch people.

see. So youve become something of a storyteller, it seems to me. You want He seemed to know more about it than you did. Well, that was his job,

after all, while you were just the pencil pusher who recorded her thoughts and tried to put them into some kind of order. and I said it. Im really not sure how I see the thing. I just felt I had something to say He hands you a document in a red padded folder. Whats this? you ask. He smiles.

A contract for representation. The format is standard, but as an attorney

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you know to read it before you sign. Youll take on the book? My interest didnt give that away?

to have switched to a whole different set of instincts. I thought you might just have been humoring me as a courtesy to my mother. Had I not seen potential in the book, I might have done just that. But

You might say Ive been living in the woods for too long and I seem

no, I believe we can do something with it. And I know a senior editor at Viking who I think is just the one to do it justice. Con permiso. Where do I sign? as they say.

invited your mother. She was duly impressed with your description of the himand you wanted to offer your thanks for the introduction to Barry

Dinner tonight is festive, as youve added two candles and

Governors toast to Dwayneshe seems to be softening in her opinion of Schwartz and surprise her with word of your signing with him. Youd put

together an aromatic lamb and couscous dish with asparagus tips and cream Brahms violin concerto, your mother on her second gin and Sandra gushing about having one of her and Zacks songs taking second place in a regional songwriting contest. Their prize: recording by a local label and limited air play. Dwayne listens with paternal interest.

sauce, all on hold while the four of you sit in the living room enveloped in a

enthusiastic for Sandra than she could have been. Having no doubt had her fill of her granddaughter-and-beaus absurdist imagery, near-obscenity and often discordant harmonies while living with her these last months, she could probably be forgiven for her reserve on the subject. the table and you deliver the food from the oven warmer.

Well, Im famishedlets eat, your mother finally says, perhaps less

And we record next week, Sandra concludes as all make their way to My, my, says Dwayne with Southern graciousness as you set the

platters on the table. And the candles do look nice, dont they, tall white

sentinels casting a creamy glow on the proceedings, backed by the dimmed

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chandelier.

My Moroccan recipe? your mother asks.

A local variant, you might say, you reply. celebratory glass.

Dwayne pours the wine, of which Sandra is determined to have a At your age, you say, I think well stick to sparkling grape juice. She gets up with a grumble and heads for the kitchen, coming back

with a can of that caffeine-laden energy drink you hate so much. Popping the aluminum lid, she insists on toasting with the can. You look to Dwayne and he holds up his glass.

hold onto.

To good news all around. And health. And all the happiness we can safely Cheers, you second, and all drink.

As everyone begins to serve themselves, you catch your mothers stare. Well, she asks. What happened at the meeting? With Barry? No, with the Duke of Edinburgh.

toast. And admit ityoure wondering if hell come to your room tonight. Wondering, or hoping? Aw, Jen, whats become of you?

You dont have a ready answer. Youre still thinking about Dwaynes

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It All Ends Up in the Same Place Fast as a hawk on full dive, the days pass. By now Dwaynes name

Chapter 17

has circulated around towntongues do wagand even an informal lunch Dwayne was standing taller now. Apparently the big-city boys didnt seem so big or bad to him after all, which is the way it should be. You yourself

with the mayor had been in order. You were invited, of course, but didnt go.

knew that when the curtain was pulled back, even the great and powerful Oz was just a little creature, though being a man he was obligated to huff. Even in this modern age men were obligated to strut or be pecked to death, even if one form of pecking is indifference. Nowadays God himself was seen created.

to have foibles and lambasted, particularly with regard to this world he has What a month its been, Dwayne at your side by day and in your

bed most nights. Whats the sayingcomfortable as an old pair of slippers? him? Of course not. You love Grant. That was some day when you brought the two of them together when you visited Stateville. Dwayne showed due appreciation but it was clear he wouldnt bow down to his benefactor; not now, not ever. Was this the result of his growing confidence after meeting assorted movers and shakers or was he always thus? Few men are truly self-sufficient but Dwayne might be. For your part you had said little but had watched the two of them talk. They were very much alike, you had thought, two strong men from modest backgrounds who cared little for the

But was it more than comfort that drew you to him now? Are you falling for

law, though for different reasons. Both facile at earning womens love. Both knowing prison. Both boys at heart. Yet this was no meeting of the minds you had felt like a prize pig sitting there between them, both wanting to take you home and carve you up for the dinner table. It was all in the eyes. on with Dwayne. He knew. And yet there was nothing he could do about

And when you had left, Grants look had told you he knew what was going

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it. Maybe it was fitting punishment, for hadnt he once thrown dust in your eyes so you wouldnt see too distinctly who he was? And just as he was paying the price for his crime against society, in effect he was also paying for his offense against you. Only after he had done penance would he be worthy of your loveisnt that it? Your last look as you walked out the door as much as conveyed that. And yes, this necessary cruelty occasioned rare that night, when you were most vulnerable. Poor Dwayne, thinking they were tears of emotion for him. That week, he hadnt wanted to return to tears, and at the most inopportune timein the embrace of Dwayne in bed

California, even though the month was up and hed met everyone there was to meet and had made a convincing case that he was and would continue to be an innocent man. He had potential allies now, though time would tell if

they had the backbone to stand up if called upon. Even so, he wanted to stay longer with you. Why, Dwayne, when you have Summer? you had asked him. Warm in your arms, he said something along the lines of some women

are like mothers and others like lovers. You screw your mother, Dwayne?

you had asked with a start. All men screw their mothers, hed replied, or allowed him in your room, and two days later had him on a plane for San Francisco.

want to, in their minds anyways. In their hearts. That was the last time you

who snapped up your Patriots in Waiting like a hungry fiddler crab a ham bit dangled on a string. He got it shipshape in record timetoning down the rant considerablyand the canny sending out of galleys plus a fiveminute spot he had you do and uploaded on YouTube resulted in offers

Barry Schwartz had been right about the editor from Viking Press,

to appear on radio and cable TV, although without much fanfare because to say what was on your mind instead of just thinking it? Hey Jennifer,

beyond Chicago youre still nobody. Even so, wasnt it good for a change even if nobody listens, you have to admit that its a kick to have articulated something that once was just an amorphous notion sprawled across your gray matter taking up space. Now its a proper concept beautifully rounded

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and practically iridescent, almost like a pearl. And so much more elegant youd cherished one once.

and less cumbersome than a wanton gaggle of thema necklacethough Youd gotten a small advance from Vikingten thousandso apparently

they thought it might sell but not really go anywhere. Thats okaythose

without a household name to stand on have to start at the bottom. Too bad then people would listen! As it is, youd have to scratch your way to the

someone in your family hadnt built hotels or occupied the White House top, with Jefferson and Madison on your backor you on theirs, rather!

And you may never actually get there, Jen, once people find out youd hang Billy Budd for murder, even though he was a good man driven to it. How far youd come since law school, when youd let anyone get away with

anything if they were but decent folk who couldnt help themselves. Now Care to write about that?

it was to the gallows with em!provided the punishment fit the crime! Yes, youd created a pearl out of an irritation in the oyster. And with that

irritation still there, wasnt another nacreous granule already forming?

thats been weighing down your thoughts: your recent conversation with

Something else has been on your mind lately, a sizable lump of lead

Summer. Youd called her to see if Dwayne had arrived safely and how he distant, even hollow in her voice, as if friction in the wires had partially human feeling.

was doing. As soon as she answered the phone, though, there was something stripped the signal of its warmth, squeezing it into raw electrons bereft of Am I calling at a bad time? Not really. I just wanted to see if Dwayne got back okay. Do you want to talk to him? Silence. Dwayne? No. Just checking, thats all. Whats wrong, Summer?

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I thought I could do it, Jen, but I cant. I tried. What do you mean? need time. I think you know what I mean. Im sorry, dear. I really am. Maybe I And then the line went dead.

And when you rang back, no one picked up the phone. With Dwayne gone, youre starting to feel the old restlessness again.

Why did Grant Morgan have the power to open that door that youve been unable to close? What buttons did he push to start that twittering machine

that just wont shut up? Lying in bed at night, why does your hand gravitate to where it does now, against your better judgment, sometimes against even your will? Being a practical person, you dont mind taking logical steps to strangely unfulfilled, face it, it frustrates you. In the end you cry out your little cry to no one, and dont you find that just a little bit daunting?

solve a problem, do you, but when your emotions get so tied up and you feel

itll all end. Youve got important work to do and yet here you are, fanning the flames of a fire so that itll consume you, and in that nothingness there might be enough peace to allow you to sleep. The absurdity of it! For a terrible moment you fantasize about Nick, the cunning conjuror who had might reach for the phone, but even in your state of mental twilight you

Tonight youre in just such a mood. And youre probably wondering where

transformed a glowing ember into an inferno. If your hand wasnt busy it know that that wouldnt do. Sure, hed no doubt be over in a rush of feathers but youre no slut, Jen, evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. No, youre of another pilgrim. Together you might worship at the holy shrine and when cleansed of your sins. It was the purest of endings. It was the ecstasy of the just a woman with a gift to share, profound feelings to unveil in the presence the carnal peristalsis washes over you, you would feel as though youd been Sufi, the Holy Roller, not the tramp, right? Say it again, Jen: youre no slut.

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Slugging It Out in Televisionland Ms Knox, is it true that youve been investigated by the FBI?

Chapter 18

at the Vancouver Conference on Social Justice. TV cameras hummed in the background, although being digital they made no sound.

The lights are bright on stage as you field questions after your speech

are greatly exaggerated. Polite laughter.

Thats true, though reports of my being on the Ten Most Wanted list

appointment, and as Im sure youll hear, I did have close ties with two men who were under investigation, both of whom were later arrested, one being in prison as we speak. Thus the FBI may have had a more than passing interest in me. A new voice at the microphone set up in the aisle.

It was in fact a routine background check last year for a possible political

to Stalin. Could you comment on that?

In the galley of your book I understand that you compared J Edgar Hoover Some people have told me Ive gone too far, but I consider the parallels

remarkable. Both men were autocrats, both exhibited paranoia, both

considered it their mission to rid the nation of internal enemies, both treated the law as their personal playground. Both turned the institution of which they were the head into an instrument of fear for those who crossed them unhealthy legacy that survives to this day. And if I may speak frankly, the jokes on us in America because the FBI is considered the shining star of

one dared not step into their line of sight in disagreement. Both left a similar

law enforcement, the template for all lesser agencies that aspire to be great. never fully trust to protect the innocent?

As I wrote in the very first chapter, how can one respect the law that one can In light of that, the questioner ventures, I can only say Viva la Canada! As well you might. When I can shout, Long live the FBI!, then I can

honestly say America is on its way to fulfilling its proper destiny, which

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I believe, though you may disagree, is to be the light of the world. And I

suspect many of the founders of my country did, too. When they signed that momentous document in July of 1776, it wasnt just to be free of Britain, political, legal, cultural, religious, economicand as Jefferson saidor but to be able to think like free people. Oppression can take many forms would have saidfreedom from oppression is the first step on the road to

human fulfillment. In my book, I try to remind my countrymen of that. And since Im a lawyer, I focus on the law. I love my country, as you must love the beautiful legacy my nations founders have given me and the terrible burden as well, because were still so far from achieving it. yours. And yes, I want to be free. And fulfilled. I want all of us to be. Thats

government is using the karate approach to foreign policy and getting us

So, Ms Knox from the City of Big Shoulders, you wrote that the

into all manner of troubles when it should be using judo. Care to elaborate? headphones and talking into a rather large mike. The eerily vulpine man your reply. You feel uncomfortable, dont you. Youre tucked into a warm dark radio studio in Kansas City, wearing

across the table from youtriangular face and conspicuous earsawaits Okay, you come at me and I try to neutralize you with a fist to the throat

or a kick to the side of the head. Youll go down, but whatll your condition and those are the unknowns. But if you come at me and I help you to go down of your own momentum and hold you there, the threat has been

be and what will people think of me for responding that way? Thats karate,

neutralized and onlookers see no undue brutality to take me to task for later. Thats judo. Which technique, writ large, made subtle and honed with years Retaliatory violence or justifiable self-defense? subject of your book? of practice, would seem to be a more effective instrument of foreign policy? And just whats the connection with the law, which is presumably the Dont these guys do their homework? Isnt it obvious?

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stretch, then?

If it was obvious, I wouldnt ask the question. Youre asking for a

the soon-to-be-published Patriots in Waiting. Ms Knox attended the University of Illinois and is a graduate of the School of Law at Columbia. You nod to the audience, which numbers about four hundred. UCLA was

The panel member to my immediate right is Jennifer Knox, author of the

your fourth campus in the past two weeks and youd liked the look of the place right away. The sculpture garden was sublime, and you were especially fully intend to go back out and spend a little more time with them. captivated by the Rodin and the Lipchitz. After the inquisition was over you

prudently applied, is essential to American security, while in your book you argue strongly against it. Would you comment?

Ms Knox, youve heard Dr Carr say that the Patriot Act, while not always

are trying to destroy us and we have to take measures to protect ourselves. I unequivocally agree with that. Where we differ is in the means. It seems to I would argue that a preventive approach would be more effective. Let me will disagree with me. Say for instance your intelligence has revealed that a suspected terrorist is holed up in a village in Pakistan, or Afghanistan or wherever. You know the exact house. Youre ninety percent sure hes

What the distinguished professor is saying is that we have enemies who

me that the Patriot Act is like the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff, while give you one example, though half the country and maybe half this audience

responsible for several bombings, and no doubt hes planning more. You

have a choice: you can arrest him, which of course will involve some risk, can be revealed. Or you can send a drone to target the house and kill him and everyone else in the house, including women and children. Problem

and bring him to trial where the full extent of his crimesor lack of them

solved. So I ask youwhich is the American way? As we know, contrary

to every principle that we hold dear, the latter is. Day after day, week after

week. This disregard for innocent human lifewe call it collateral damage

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in order to make it sound incidentalis one of the motivating factors behind the creation of more terrorists. My position is that we need to act more like Americans, rather than what we seem to have become, in order to move toward finding safety in the world. When people meet Americansthose we become among the most hated people on the planet? Somebody even wrote a book about it! My god, no wonder we need the Patriot Act!

who hold our bedrock valuesthey respect us; they like us. But why have

Another day, yet another audience. Camera 3 is on you. Hang tough, Jen. forthcoming book and called you nave if well-intentioned. How do you respond to that? Ms Knox, the article in the New York Review of Books mentioned your

the fire out of everything and ultimately anesthetizes the viewer. How else could the intelligentsia and the hoi polloi alike sit and watch the parade of human misery on the news or talk shows and not break down? Its become part of

What will your answer be? TV is a cool medium, McLuhan said. It takes

our cultural entertainment, but how could such a thing be entertaining? Hey too, be part of the show? The first step to a rejuvenated America would be learn to feel more acutely again? Why not just express that here and see

Jen, can you put any fire in your response, any human feeling, or would this, to turn off all the TVsisnt that what you think? Why? So that we might what they say? But the lights are hot, and too bright in your eyes, and youre tired from all the flights and taxis and questions. Questions that didnt ask, much as, So you think you know better than we do? Prove it! Do you have special knowledge? Might we learn something from you? so Jeez, Jen, they dont really want to hear your answers, do they. They

want to see how you handle yourself. They think youre on your way to you unworthy. Its not about the book or the American conditionits

celebrityhood, however modest, and theyd like nothing more than to find about you. They want to know about you and ultimately, your foibles and

indiscretions. They want you to slip and they want to hear all about it. Well,

cynical or not, thats the feeling youve been getting, isnt it. They open with

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a couple of thoughtful questions, then the gloves come off and the blinders but nave, for damn sure.

go on. Was the article correct in calling you nave? Hardly. Youre anything

branch of the American Bar Association. Youve heard theyre still waiting for another Barry Goldwater here and because youre not him, it may be else, for that matter. pretty hard going. You have no intention of bombing China, or anywhere

Another citymores the pity. This time youre speaking to the Arizona

argument is that in order to advance the law, we have to simultaneously

As I understand it, Ms Knoxand forgive me if I oversimplifyyour

transform our foreign policy into what you call a more just instrument Would that be accurate? And is there in fact such an exotic connection? to such questions recently.

reduce the threat from abroad so that domestic laws can be uniformly fair. You give that inward sigh that has become so much a part of your reaction As Dr Johnson said, I can offer you a decent argument but what I cant That was uncalled for, Jen. The guy may not be trying to tear you down

give you is understanding.

at all but merely seeking clarification. Or was it just a prelude to the tearing down? Of all the faces seeking answers from you these last months, it seemed that mostly Chicanos and the occasional Asian actually wanted an on the innate wisdom of the people, and admit it, youre having your Serengeti rhinos and caked in mud.

answer and not a stepping stone to their own agenda. Democracy depended doubts. In any case, the questioner presses on, as if his hide were thick as a Ill take that as a yes. And once again to reduce it to basics, arent you

saying that to make our foreign policy more effective, we ought to use the carrot and not the stick?

answer, or did he have the natural loathing of the tribe for a stranger coming into its midst claiming to know something it didnt? Either way, your

His tone was definitely condescending now. Was that in reaction to your

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response to his first question was the karate approachyoud hit him in based on! How illiberal we become when we feel under attack!

order to neutralize himand thus betrayed the very principle your book was I may have given that impression, in that I advocate dealing with the

cause of our distress and not the symptoms, but in fact I had this same

conversation with my esteemed Aunt Summer, who suggested the Aesop that, even though the wisdom of it seems obvious, because our culture

story of the Sun and the North Wind as an apt analogy. I ultimately rejected would necessarily reject it as being too passive. Were a little too fond of the martial arts analogy instead. He wasnt to be denied.

getting in there and mixing it up with our adversaries, and thats why I used

you believe the power of the Suns radiance is sufficient to win the day? Was Aesop right or wrong? Hes got you! No matter which answer you gave, you were a goner!

And you, Ms Knox? Do you like to get in there and mix it up, or do

These western lawyers, not seeming like much with their cowboy hats and laidback ways, came from generations of independent, tough-minded settlers. They were fighters! Now would be the time for a little judo, if indeed you knew what you were talking about.

moneylaw practice, real estate investment, the stock marketyoud have just about everyones approval. Say I want to be rich and the world nods in understanding, if not agreement. But the moment one starts to say I want to make a better society, everyone lets fly the arrows, perhaps hoping to hit any bit of hypocrisy they can. Why? And its even worse if they have strong political views and disagree with yours. Like tonight at the Cincinnati Law Society dinner, where you practically got shouted down for implyingnot saying, mind youthat much of our misery wrought from abroad was Terrorism, in your view, isnt like spontaneous combustion, appearing helped along by the misery we created abroad. They couldnt see that?

Its so strange. If you just wanted to go out and earn a lot of

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suddenly for no apparent reason; something had to cause the buildup of all reason. Sometimeslately for sureyou feel like youre living in a

heat. Yet loyalty to tribe seems to supersede all understanding, all morality, modern-day Middle Ages, the minds around you seeming considerably less perspicacious than they should. Even a little dense. And yet, it seems, this is what weve got to work with. This is the engine thats driving our great America. Aw, Jen. Dont let it get you down.

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Caught in a Trap I need a man. Thus saith the great and noble Jennifer Knox, the pre-

Chapter 19

publication book tour engineered by your editor long over but the ad hoc bureau now and where you once spoke for free, youre picking up a cool of a wheel alignmentyou can practically feel the wobble. Youve been visiting Grant as often as your schedule permitted, but never in privacy, as youve long since felt youve overextended your reliance on the good

speaking engagements still in full swing. Youre registered with a speakers five grand per date. Yet somethings out of whack. Youre like a car in need

offices of the Governor. Okay, so thered been some offers of liaisons while on the roadplenty, actuallybut though youre full of vociferous desires, much deeperof which said romp played a central part. You couldnt get that from some randy lawyer or professor on the back of a few drinks in a cocktail lounge after a speech. In actual fact you got all the stimulation youre no loose skirt. Youre not looking for a romp, are you, but something

you wanted with your jiggy little machine, which you carried with you now in your suitcasebut that was only to turn off the tap for a while until the pressure built up again. What you needed was someonewell, who you

cared for, at the very least. Someone who really saw you, got you and liked you, to share in all innocence that most secret and thrilling of adventures, like two children on a sleepover. The wonder of it all. The animal delight. of that, Jen, but when, and with whom?

The closeness. And the precious relief it afforded! You needed to get some

It seems her odd little duo with Zack has been turning out some modest their sound palatable embryonic art-rock. They even got signed by a

Your daughter Sandra is having a sprinkling of her own success.

hitsa review of one of their teen club dates in the Chicago Tribune called minor label, though some well-placed phone calls on your part revealed that if the kids didnt produce a hit album on the first try, they were likely to be

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buried and forgotten.

barnaise sauce, how are you getting along with Zack?

So, you say to her over a plate of your masterly grilled snapper with Moments at home like this are rare, as youre on the road more often Okay, she replies noncommittally.

than not and your mothers doing the honors again most nights.

Last year you said you wanted to marry him. Still feel that way? about it.

I dont know. Were so busy with the music, I hardly have time to think Shes coming into womanhood. Surely shes had a go of it with Zack,

though you havent seen any evidence of it. Now that shes actually got a future, or what seems like one, a familiar thought again rears its head

youd hate to see her end up preggers. Not to mention you having her coIt makes you shudder, doesnt it.

conspirator as your son-in-law. Can you imagine him calling you Mother? Thats good. Im glad to see you doing something you like. I thought I might talk to you about something. Sure. Its pretty personal. How personal? to sound too personal.

Emboldened by the wine accompanying dinner, you press onward.

A less than comfortable look spreads across her face. We havent talked muchreally talkedso just about anythings likely Thats what I was afraid of.

with me.

Come on, Im your mother. You should feel free to talk about anything Her demeanor turns the slightest bit defensive.

with. clue.

Sometimes a mother is the last person you want to talk about some things She had you there. Look at you and your own motherthat should be a

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start happening, adult things, and I just want you to be clear that you have a big say in how they go. Maybe the biggest say. Do you really believe that? Yes, I do.

Okay, thats true, but youre reaching an age where things are going to

Good. Because Ive felt that way for a long time. You have? myself? The way I see it, whos going to look out for me if I dont look out for That hurt. Still, if youd been around a little more, not just recently but

for the past four or five years when your career was taking off, maybe she wouldnt have to even say it. Yet who could blame her?

Anyway, she continues, the answer is no, Im not going to get pregnant. Youre caught off guard but try to recover quickly. Thats good. But how do you know you wont? As I understand it, you have to have sex first. And you havent? No! And dont look so surprised.

urges.

I just thoughtwell, Zacks almost eighteen and boys can have their Look whos talking, Knox!

over it in the beginning, if you wanna know the truth, but I found a way to trim his horns. How? Try not to make a face, Jen. Dont give her a reason to stop talking.

Tell me something I dont know, she replies. We had our share of fights

climbing all over me, I just give him that. drop to the floor.

Well, if you must knowa handy little thing called fellatio. When hes Fortunately, ones jawbone is attached to the temporal bone or yours might What are you talking about?

Look, you wanna get personal? Okay, I used to let him feel me upyou

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know, a little treat for him so we could get on with the work. But to be

honest, I didnt get much out of it. I dont like someones hands all over me. Maybe Im strange that way. Then my girlfriends told me how they kept takes about thirty seconds and then we can get down to the music. I see. their boyfriends happy and the whole thing was settled. Most of the time it

pay for a little peace, and presto! No baby coming along to ruin everything.

Youre obviously shocked. But look at it this way: its a small price to Maybe you should have just kept your mouth shut. Other peoples thoughts,

beautiful daughter on her knees for the insufferable Zack!

once verbalized, form images that can lodge in ones brain forever. Like your

make the wilderness any easier to traverse, now does it. Are we so at the

Whose bloody woods these are, I think I know. God, that doesnt

mercy of biology ours and everyone elses?that we live and die by its mandate? Why else would you sleep with Summers man, or fifteen-yearold Sandra sup on unworthy meat? Surely were driven by a force greater youre thinking, isnt it? Youre a free white woman with money in the

than ourselves, and who passes through the woods unscathed? Thats what bank yet lack the will sometimes to be master of your own fate, let alone your daily behavior. Sandra likewise, yielding to impulses not even her own. And why? Why must the savage breast be calmed? You may soar

with eagles, transform the law, inspire a generation to come; Sandra could symphonies, but it all comes back to this, doesnt itimpulses, yours or respite! All that for a little peace!

become the darling of a million teens, lead a revolution, compose modernist someone elses, must be served. And what do we get out of it? Temporary History is littered with the carnage, isnt it. Mighty Alexander,

conqueror of half the known world, succumbed to the charms of Roxane.

It had hardly left an impression on you when you read it in college, do you remember, but now it begins to dawn on you. And what about brilliant and powerful Marc Antony, a slave to Cleopatras beauty. Catherine of Russia,

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ruler of an empire but could not rule herself. Now you and Sandra, mere

mortals, step to the same tune. Damn itthe insipid lyrics to an oldie pop I cant walk out. Because I love you too much, baby. on us?

into your head at this very momentsing it, ElvisWere caught in a trap; What makes us love? And who played this sublimely wicked joke

saying goes, youve got places to go, people to meet. Can you forget about

Lets stop this whine and cheese party, kid, and get on with it. As the

your need for a cozy little twat-fest for just a minute and focus on the work groin go hand in hand with the ache in your heart and reduce you to such a state?

you were meant to do, must do? Jesus, honey, why does that tremor in your

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The End of Summer Oh, these times, Cicero said; these customs! And how history does

Chapter 20

repeat itself! Could Rome be saved from decay, or would the deterioration continue til mere yahoos from the hinterlands bring her down? Your bookings are commanding eight grand a pop now. People you

don't even know know you. Someones picking you up from airports. Radcliffe has invited you to give this years commencement address. Or was it Penn State? In any case, youre moving up a bit in the world, baby. Keep your eyes front and center, your hands to yourself, head thrown back, arms yet nothing changesnot one jot. Is the entire country deaf? Jennifer? John Clary here. Governor! How are you?

akimbo: now take on the world! She stoops to conquer, that girl does. And

Fine, fine. And from what I hear, youre not doing so bad yourself. If I had a minute to consider, I might think otherwise but I dont. The world of politics, Jennifer, which youve jumped into whether you

realize it or not, is an exacting taskmaster. Only the very strongest prevail; only they can lead the unruly pack.

Time will tell how strong I am, Governor. Right now the jury is still out. Let me add to your burden, then, while youve got the momentum to take

it on board. That Senate seat that I wanted you for is up for grabs at the next election. Id like you to run. Whoa there, Gov!

run against him?

But you appointed Bob King to that seat. Surely you dont expect me to Look, the mans a good Republican and a loyal one, too. Hell yield to But Im an Independent. You know that.

the will of the party.

You make it sound like a liability. Its not. Its not because you have

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enough support in this state to woo Republicanswith our support. And I have no doubt that Democrats will flock to you as well. But what about Senator King? Youre just going to pull the rug out?

bite the bullet and wait his turn. Ive already told him he was our second choice for that seat, so it wont come as a total surprise to him. Hell step down, then? Just like that?

You leave Bob to me. Hes young and he knows hes got a future. Hell

and youll step up. How?

No one goes anywhere without the party behind them. Hell step down

liberal and a fiscal conservative and I think thatll fly. Weve already hashed this out with the National Committee. Theyre willing to give you their your conscience. imprimatur. And no compromise on your partin the main, you vote with But why? Why me?

Youll register as a Republican. Look, if Im not mistaken, youre a social

by a certain redneck sensibility, so to speak, and we need intelligent and forward-thinking ideas to expand our base and lead us ahead. But Im clearly not a Republican! With all due respect.

Lets just say theres a feeling that the party has beenoverly influenced

At least thats how I see it. And our party doesnt need more Republicans it needs more Americans. You flatter me, Governor.

No, youre not. Youre an American, maybe in the best sense of the word.

I mean to. I hope to sweet-talk you all the way to Washington. Can I think about it? Ive got a lot going on right now. Youre swamped, Im sure. But just keep this in mind: I know the kind of

work you want to do. Right now youre just talking about it. Politics proper, on the other hand, is the art of getting things done. The choice seems clear. You drive a hard bargain, mister.

Well have a little chat.

Thats my intention. Why dont you come down for lunch next week?

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Id like that.

Jennifer Knox a respectable Republican. Could one imagine it? Fast-forward six or so months. Huh? Isnt yikes! the word? Youre

on the campaign trail. All hail candidate Knox! Youre speaking at a student forum at SIU in Carbondale. A professor comes to the open mike. to further your political ambitions? Here we go again. Your book has just come out. Arent you trading on its modest success

the power and perks that I can get my grubby hands on. I take it I dont have your vote. The books out. Viking did a rush job to capitalize on your visibility on

Yes, Im parlaying my newfound celebrity into a cushy job with all

the lecture circuit, presumably. Clearly its not doing you much good here. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Dont hold your breath, Knox. Decatur. Waukegan. Rockford. Winnetka.

somebody with a gun.

At Danville a rally was cancelled because somebody said someone saw In Urbana someone asked you if you were a real Republican. Youd

glanced at your handlers with mild amusement, but inside you were unsettled, werent you, and probably so were they, though no doubt for a different reason. And yes, youve got handlers now, coaching you mainly on what

not to say and how not to say it. Also, which local constituencies liked to

hear which pet themes. And occasionally you even got suggestions on what

to wearpants in the urban areas, knee-length skirts in the country, mostly. hair. It was all so weird, though as a performance piece it wasnt really that much different from acting in a courtroom where ones way with words and skills at tugging at the emotions swayed all but the most hard-bitten of juries. And someone the other day had the nerve to insinuate that you had called for it, though you disliked it and relished the rare moments where no experience in politics! You were a master entertainer when the occasion

Ruthie came along when she could to do press releases and sometimes your

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reason and ideas met deep feelings and there was a meaningful exchange. In between times, Ms Bojangles could dance.

got Dwayne backwhats her complaint? Nevertheless, you longed to

Give me time, she had said. Time? How long had it been now? Shes

Youd called Summer frequently but she still wouldnt talk to you.

talk to her about all the madness and excitement that filled your life now.

And doesnt your mind often turn to that day at the hot pool and her sweet Ms Knox, will you do a little dance for us? I beg your pardon?

embrace, the warmth of it, the pure intimacy! Why do you yearn for that so?

it might adversely affect our nations children. nicely. Judo, dear. Use the judo.

I was wondering if you would comment on single motherhood and how That was a low blow, though youd been well coached and sidestepped it Ms Knox, in a part of the state thats heavily Democratic, just what is it Youd been rehearsed in anticipation of that one, too, and a dozen others.

that you as a Republican have to offer?

Why did you switch parties? Whats your position on U.S. support for

Israel? Whats your relationship with Grant Morgan? (The opposition had done its homework.) Could your book be construed as anti-American? Whats your position on abortion? Capital punishment? Gay marriage? How much is U.S. Cellular contributing to your campaign? What do you think of your daughters music? (Her and Zacks artsy songs were getting heaps of local air play now.) Who inspires you?

you did, though Melville and Kierkegaard were definitely more influential, the former teaching you respect for the law and the latter convincing you

That last one was easy, as everyone expected you to say Abe Lincoln and

that anything was possible through faith. But one doesnt talk about Melville and Kierkegaard on the campaign trail, or even Jefferson, who some people in the southern part of the state think was a wicked humanist. This is one of the compromises you were making, at least til your foot was in the door.

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Yes, give the people Lincoln.

considerably more wisdom than you, surely shed have something

This was another thing you wanted to talk to Summer about. Having

instructive to say about your campaign and its compromises. You could talk for the longest time about it over herb tea or maybe a good cab sav. And in the end, her inimitable embrace, luxuriant with love.

of Argos, forty-nine killed their husbands at the command of their father and were sent to Hades, condemned to forever draw water with a sieve? An untroubled brow.

Ms Knox, is it true that of the fifty Danades, daughters of King Danaus

stand before you now as the fiftieth daughter.

I have no knowledge of the veracity of that story but should it be true, I

rest. The outcome is fairly predictable, though, and youve already looked

The election finally rolls its sorry butt around and youre eager for a

at townhouse rentals in Georgetown. Only you dont win, do you. You lose. Yes, you carried Chicago handily, but the Democratic machine statewide is a powerful beast and convinces all but a few not to cross party lines. And no one counted on the Republican backlash to your book, which the Old Guard of the party thought very nearly seditious. Add to that the flak you caught on talk radio for making regular visits to see Grant, which you werent going to compromise on. When the final numbers come in, youre down by 57,000 the captain who ended up in a pool of blood; you did. calls.

votes, give or take. O captain my captain, where have I erred? Only it wasnt Im sorry if I let you down, Governor, you say to John Clary when he You fought the good fight. Now lets look to the future.

where I can turn off my phone and do some soul-searching. consider running for mayor of Chicago. Surely you jest.

Who can see the future? What I need is a week at a retreat somewhere, And well-deserved, too, Jennifer. But no more than a week. I want you to

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You know me better than that. Promise me youll think about it. For you Ill think about it. More than that, I cant say. Thats all I ask.

awkward. When you ask to talk to your aunt, he fishes for a word. He comes up with one. Shes indisposed.

After hanging up, you call Summer. Dwayne answers. He sounds

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A Serendipitous Meeting? Youve just been to a conference on Law and Politics at the Marriott,

Chapter 21

and now youre sitting in the lounge sipping a girly whisky sour. You made your presentation, it was politely received, but questions at the end ignored the issues completely and instead focused on you personally. How do you another book? Its finally dawning on you that at heart most people arent

feel about losing the election? Will you go back to your law practice? Write all that interested in ideas but will follow charismanow called celebrity wherever it leads. Off a cliff, if it comes to that. If enough people like you, you can become rich, you can become great, well-nigh regardless of your ideas. Or lack of them. Thats how its beginning to seem to you, isnt it. Could you be happy as mayor of Chicago? Youre surprised to

feel its beneath you, arent you, though no doubt the Governor sees it as

that one little step up the ladder. Do you really want the grind of all those

hours, all those glad-hands? Youd been offered a law course to teach at the

University of Chicago and if you opted for that instead, youd have plenty of time to put all those new thoughts of yours to paperwhether anyone cared cause you any, wouldnt be so blasted visible, even the hint of which would private life private? By not going into public life! to read them or notand your indiscretions, should your ever-present desire be splashed all over the front page if you were mayor. How does one keep a From the bar where you sit, you see through the mirror two men and a

woman rise from a table behind you and shake hands. The men leave, the woman looks around and, seeing you sitting alone, approaches. Mind if I join you? she asks. Me, too. Sure, why not. I could use some company about now.

blue eyes. By anyones standards, or yours at least, she was beautiful. She orders a sauvignon blanc by label.

She looks about thirty or so, with blond hair and striking, almost electric

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My names Camille, she says, looking you over. Jennifer. Nice to meet you, Jennifer. You look like you can hold your own. How so? I dont know. You seem to have a presence.

been through a book tour and a grueling election campaign, so its quite possible that you, without realizing it, carried a considerably bigger stick than before. On top of that, youre a prominent attorney. At least you WERE. Thankless child?

What an odd thing to say, though maybe not really. After all, youd just

What brings you here tonight? she asks. Broken heart? Mother-in-law? There was a conference at the hotel today. I made a little speech. Now

I need to unwind a bit and think if I want to do that anymore. You? What brings you here?

you get to know me a little better first. Lets just say that I came to Chicago looking for investors for a project Im working on.

If I told you, you probably wouldnt believe me so maybe its better if

ask about the project, but your curiosity, though not at critical mass yet, is stirred a bit. Where are you from, then? you ask.

The bartender brings her drink and she takes a sip. You resist the urge to

Montana. A community in the mountains called Albemarle. Heard of it? No. Why do you call it a community? Why not a town? Because itshow can I explain itits actually a dedicated community

where people have come to find fulfillment by living freely. Freedom with responsibility. To other people; to the land. It sounds like Jeffersons ideal. Then you have heard of it.

I really havent. Why do you say that? have a statue of him in the square.

Because Jefferson is our patron saint, in a manner of speaking. We even No kidding. Ive just published a book about how much better our country

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could be if we took Jeffersons principles to heart. Her eyes sparkled. Thats incredible. I wonder if we were meant to meet? I came here

looking for money and instead I may have met a kindred spirit! Sorry. My enthusiasm gets the better of me sometimes. have to follow the leader, like a lemming. Thanks for that.

Not at all. Its nice to meet someone who can live by an ideal and not

all over themselves trying to touch the hem of his garment? they work out everything for themselves.

So, how about YOUR fearless leader out there in Montana? Do people fall Hardly. He sets the tone, is all. Once everyone knows the ground rules, So they actually lead their own lives?

as we choose within it.

Thats the beauty of it. Life has a definite structure, but were free to live Sounds like heaven. So tell me more.

Very close to it. And Im not joking.

Camille, a candle in a red glass holder giving her face (and no doubt yours) a warm glow. Why have you taken to her so quickly? Its crossed your mind that she could easily be a con artist, so smooth is her delivery, so

Three drinks later youre comfortably ensconced in a booth with

intimate her tone. Realizing that, youve promised yourself not to give her any money or invite her to your house but beyond that, youd give her the benefit of the doubt and accept what she says at face value. That was the spoke the truth.

lawyer in you, always wary of peoples motives but ever hopeful that they Shall we have another? you ask. Are you driving? Im staying at the hotel. You? Im feeling like bubbly. I know the manager. Hell see that I get home okay. The same?

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and it wont send us to the poorhouse, either. Lets go for it.

That sounds good. Theyve got a Napa Valley sparkling thats great

in your head. I dont even know why Im telling you all this.

So thats my situation, Camille, you say, visions of sugarplums dancing Her bright eyes are still shining but her speech is noticeably slower.

think I do.

Because Im a woman, she replies, and I just might understand. And I You do?

be the champagne. Can I call you Jinnifer? Sure.

Love is a wonderful and a terrible thing, Jinnifer. Listen to memust

of all.

And the physical part of love, the animal part, can be the most terrible I know! Its a creature with a will of its ownI believe its totally

unrelated to love, and its up to us to make the connection. Like a wild where we want it to take us.

stallion we ride at our own peril but have to master if were to guide it to Was this philosophy? Or just babble? My thoughts exactly, she says. Sometimes I think my libido will ruin my life, and yet sometimes I

think its the best thing thats ever happened to me. But in any case Im always its follower, never in the lead. That troubles me. I recently stole my aunts partner, or should I say I borrowed him for a while, and now she wont talk to me. And lately I feel like Im on the prowl again, though I dont want to be. Whats next? for you.

Its so interesting that you say that. Because I think I may have an answer If you did, youd be a miracle worker. What is it? Albemarle. The place youre from?

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Yes.

You strain to raise one eyebrow in jest. She smiles, but only just.

What, theres something in the water? One of the things were doing is trying to rein in that brutish part of

us, bring it into the realm of lovenot romance, as in Ill love you succeeding.

forever, babe, but caritas. Human love. Altruism. And I think we may be How?

She takes a drink and tries to organize her thoughts. go to connect more deeply with another human being. How? I sound like a parrot now.

Well, one of the ways is, we have a temple. A place where the faithful

and receive love, to touch the heart through the ministrations of the body. in a way. They dont fraternize with the other residents but live a simple, eshteem?

We have temple maidensand swainand theyre trained to give

Though theres only a small number of them, theyre like a religious order almost monastic life, and theyre held in the highest eshteem. Did I just say You did. Have another glass, Camille. So what are you saying? That

these temple maidens can ply their passions to the fullest but its all under the aegis of love? Real love? Theyre giving of themselves completely, unselfishly, and in return are

receiving in full measure. Love AND sex.

But they dont really love the men theyre with.

them, but love them deeply as people, as spiritual beings. At least thats our goal. Thats why we created the templefor the rejuvenation of the spirit. impossible!

Thats where youre wrong! They dont have a superficial romance with

Even in your inebriated state, it seemed a bit implausible. No, make that And you, Camille? Are you a temple maiden?

I was. I helped create the temple and even ran it for a while, but they

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thought that Ithat I was into goddess worship and wanted to turn it into times. So now I work as an ombudsman, a kind of troubleshooter for Albemarle itself.

a temple of Ishtar, the maidens representing goddesses, like in Babylonian

So whyd you come to Chicago? To raise money for the place?

like goddesses, and Id like to build a community around that. But thats a long way off, and right now my hearts in Albemarle. The flickering of the candle flame gives Camille an air of mystery. Never

To tell you the truth, I do believe that women are on a different plane,

has your curiosity been so whetted, especially about this so-called temple. be put in their place by a strong will and a social structure to support it? Someday Id like to see this Albemarle. Im leaving on Thursday. Come with me.

Could sex really be tamed and made to serve love? Could the genes finally

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Is It All a Con? The flight from Chicago to Butte gives you some time for quiet

Chapter 22

thinking. Camille is lost in her own thoughts, no doubt pondering her

failure to raise any money and the prospect of postponing her dream a little longer. In your case youre remembering the argument with your mother about running off again, leaving her to look after Sandra. It was the former that she objected to, while you thought the latter didnt actually bother her, maybe because it gave her a sense of importance, of being needed. But the running offexpeditions, she called them, and rarely without disapproval what youll find on your visit to Albemarle. Thats a tough one, cuz you aint got no idea.

in her voice. You shut her out of your mind for a moment and try to imagine

the ramp and across the tarmac toward the terminal. The late autumn air is

On your arrival in Butte you exit the plane into open air, walk down

crisp and fresh and you breathe deeply. Theres no hydrocarbon tinge to it!

Inside, you wait for Camilles luggageyou yourself make do with a carryonand retrieving her suitcase, you take a cab to the bus station and board of Albemarle. a coach that Camille says will drop you off in front of the massive front gate On the bus youre starting to get excited, arent you. Youre going to

a Disneyland of sorts, or at least thats what you think. Yes, youre skeptical of any place that claims to have improved on societyeven as people were skeptical of you and your book for the same reason! But your particular vice, which is to too readily heed the call to be fruitful and multiply (in

your case to go through the savory motions) has caused you enough grief in the world at largeso why not see if Albemarle offers any wisdom about something better? Not that youll be there long, of course, but it might be worthwhile to find out.

procession of passing pines, how do you reconcile the temple with

So, Camille, you say, turning away from the window and the endless

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Jeffersons strict sense of morality?

She looks at you with more understanding than her youth suggested. Our Tom had his temple, you know. What do you mean by that?

Sally Hemings. You know who she was, dont you?

The young slave he took as his mistress after his wife died.

again. He honored that promise til the end but he, like all of us, couldnt temple where he could share himself and that most private of joys. John Sally Fairfaxthough some think it was never consummatedand

Just before Martha passed away, she made him promise never to marry

live without human touch. We all need intimacy, Jennifer. Sally became the Adams had it with his wife, George Washington had it with his neighbor Hamilton had it with a temple in every neighborhood, so to speak. They all had itand in a democracy, why not everyone? The temple at Albemarle isnt for sex; its a haven for intimacy, for sharing. Many go for sex, of course, but some go to be held, some just to talk. And we limit visits to

once a week, because we want people to explore other avenues of spiritual

rejuvenation as wellwork, Nature, art In fact, most people at Albemarle I think Tom Jefferson, being a man full of humanity and a deist without all If he were to come back today, he might even use the temple himself. Thats quite a story. And a true one. The best stories are always true. I think I can see something of the truth in it. brothel.

dont really need the temple, and go mostly to sit quietly in the great hall. So the encumbrances of a church, would be quite comfortable with the temple.

You have to feel it, Jen. Otherwise the temple might seem like a glorified Which its not Which its not. You look out the window once more. Rolling hills, lonely conifers. Ive always felt that freedom is something that can unfold in many

Civilization seems far away. You turn back to Camille.

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forms. We have a right to be fulfilled, Camilleits part of our national consciousness. Bingo, she says with a smile. And the temple is as American as I really had no idea. The way you described it at the hotel the other

the Bill of Rights.

night, it seemed mostly the kind of place where someone in my situation might become a maiden to master desire by channeling it into giving instead of taking. Riding it instead of it riding you. Now I see that theres a bigger intimacy. Am I right?

dynamic at workthe community at large and helping to fulfill its need for Thats what were aiming for. But one doesnt accomplish either

goal without training. Its like meditation or prayerone doesnt just

automatically know how to do it. When I first started, I figured that if I was giving it away for free, the least the guy could do was repay me with you know, a whopping climax. That kind of thinking was a residue from

the world outside Albemarle, where everythings a transaction. I was only demanding my due. Which isnt very selfless, is it. So I had to let that go and leave it up to the guy. If he had it in him to take me all the way, so much the better but if he didnt, I learned to accept it. That wasnt easy. Kind of like a Buddhist, I had to learn to let go of my desire. Non-attachment, they call it. But when I did get a live one, it was all the sweeter. But the biggest thing I learned is that when a man was touching my body, I was touching

his mind. And when he was in my body, I could be in his mind. For the first time, I think, I was able to make love and look beyond the man to see the person.

Is it really making love? Or are you just going through the motions?

one would have.

You have to ask, if only because of the number of partners you imagine Thats the whole point. If youre not acting selflessly, youre not making But surely the men arent all so high-principled. Dont most of them just

love at all, youre just fuckingpardon my language. Love is in the giving. want to get off?

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Americas no monastery, Jen, and sex is hardly a sacrament out there. But just a woman to them; you become a guide.

Of course they dolook at the culture they were brought up in!

heres the thing: once you learn, you try to teach them. You become more than Were you successful? Did they follow your lead?

be with me. And that probably just reinforced my idea of woman being a goddess, which gave me the idea that it could be the focus of the temple:

Maybe too successful. I became kind of a stareverybody wanted to

goddesses held in the esteem they deserved. Thats when I was asked to step down and someone else took over. Thats why Im an ombudsman now and not running the temple. Do you miss it?

itd be, because I was finally more in command of my body, or as much in

Yes, but non-attachment, remember? And it wasnt as difficult as I thought

command as one can reasonably be. And I could get my fulfillment not just gets fed in different ways. That kind of set me on the path of looking for it where I could. I hope its made me a better person. You know what, Camille? What?

through sex but by helping the community in other capacities, too. The spirit

You seem very much like a goddess. With a wheezy splurt of air brakes, the bus slows to a twenty roll and

pulls onto a gravel siding and stops in front of Albemarles enormous gate, truck is being unloaded. You descend with Camille into the chilly air and crunch of gravel, Camille leads you to a person-sized side gate where an

both its tall wooden doors wide open. Just inside, a Mexican-style produce wait while your driver retrieves the luggage. As the bus pulls away with a attractive young woman in a brown and tan uniform comes out of a booth

just inside to greet you. So this is one of the uniforms these Albemarlians wearCamille had told you about them. In hers this woman looks like one of Robin Hoods merrie band.

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Welcome back, Camille, she says with a warm handshake.

Its good to be back. You have no idea. Donna, this is Jennifer. very welcome here.

Hi, Jennifer. Camille told me all about you on the phone. Youre so Thanks, Donna.

her grip is like steel. Black belt in tae kwon do, Camille had said.

She takes your hand in both of hers and smiles at you warmly, though Ive called for Sammy; hes coming for your bags, she says.

Downs syndrome imprinted forever on his face, though a face blessedly angelic. Hi, Camille, he says with a broad, almost exaggerated smile.

Then, right on cue, a short muscular kid of eighteen or so ambles up,

black oxen.

God, check out his neck muscles. He looks strong as a pair of Egyptian Whos this? he asks.

Sammy, this is Jennifer.

her Jenny. Im Sammy. You call me Sammy. Hi, Sammy.

Hi, Jennifer. We got a Jennifer here, too, in the high school, only we call

length skirt over the pants. He picks up Camilles suitcase and your carry-on bag.

Sammy is wearing the same uniform as Donna, though she has a knee-

and walks quickly along the path into Albemarle with long, purposeful strides. Hes a darling, Camille says.

Just take them to my place, Camille says, and without hesitation he turns

Doesnt he need your key? you ask with practiced practicality. Albemarle.

Tell me youre kidding, she laughs. Youve got a lot to learn about

they were optional, though it seemed everyone wore them, and apparently

So whats with the uniforms? Its still irking you. Camille had said

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that accomplished several things.

calling undue attention to it. Thats one of the reasons were able to offer temple visitations just once a weekits not a constant sex-o-rama here like people are used to; were not in a state of perpetual excitation. Second, if rich or whatever, you have to dig deeper to express whatever makes you

First, she had said on the flight over, they adorn the body without

you dont use clothes to show people how sexy you are, or how proper, or unique. The other side of that coin is that were not distractedor fooled by someones clothes, and tend to look more directly at the person inside. Finally, uniforms vary in style and color according to what job you have, so it takes all the anxiety out of that most common and terrifying of American questions: What do you do? And because we frequently learn many jobs

and can change at will, everybody knows there are no movie stars here, no lackeys, so no temptation for deference or condescension. Everyone has equal honor. It had been a bit much to take in.

Youve said a mouthful, you had commented to her.

Thats because Albemarles a mouthful. Or wed like it to be, anyway. thinking these thoughts. On your left you see a rustic national park-like building. The sign out front reads, Visitors Center. Now, as you walk along the wooded path into Albemarle proper, youre

you. I told them you were coming and theyll probably ask you to stop by because youre with me, itll be just a formality.

Thats where Donna works when shes not on the gate, Camille says to

tomorrow sometime. We have kind of an immigration procedure here, but The path narrows somewhat and curves through a stand of treesCamille

said there were no roads in Albemarle. In less than a minute you come to a the left a massive Chinese-style edifice. in.

broad flagstone plaza, bordered on three sides by large buildings, the one on Thats got to be the temple, you say as she stops to let you take everything Thats it. On our right, apartments.

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There stood several buildings of eight or ten stories each. They look like that church in Barcelona. And whats that straight across? Men and women together? The Gaudi? Theres definitely a resemblance. The baths. We bathe communally, like the Greeks and Romans did. Separate, silly. For your information, modesty is important to us. We

do have some natural hot springs up the mountain where we have mixed nobody sees much.

bathing, but we go there mainly at night and theres always a lot of steam, so You scan the square before you. It was a hive of activity, as the insipids

say, people transversing it at every angle, yet many were also in quiet conversation on benches near fountains or under arbors. The air seems warmer here, you say.

Geothermal heat. Weve run pipes under the square and all the sidewalks. At the far end of the square you spy a life-size bronze statue. Jefferson. Thats old Tom Jefferson. Youre eating in a cozy Italian place on Caravan Lane, the makeshift Whos that, Camille? The statue?

housing area used while Albemarle was being built and now converted into just as she had when you sat with her the other night in the hotel lounge. If men complimented you on your attractiveness, whether by word or deed, how much they must trip over themselves when confronted with the rarer

seven or eight different restaurants. Camille looked lovely in the candlelight,

beauty of Camille. What would it be like to go through life like that? Like said that beauty is a curse, though yours seems muted enough not to have caused any real heartache. But Camille? Is she like a compelling exhibit at the zooa boa constrictor at feeding time, for instancewhere men

floating on an endless cloud, or would it be more like a royal pain? Someone

gather round her in fascination, unable to take their eyes off her? Does she trigger a testosterone rush, sending their subconscious minds into a frenzy

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of carnal desire, no matter how pure their hearts? Is that the curse of beauty? To forever be stimulating mens lower chakras, urging them to say or do anything in order to forward that narrow agenda that can so quickly make its presence felt? What a nightmare! Or does the primitive woman in her, walking on a cloud? in all womankind, relish such confirmation of fleshly worth? Is she indeed Youre very beautiful, Camille, you blurt.

It must be the wine, Jinnifer, she replies, looking a little embarrassed. the temple celebrate. And be a beacon to the men on behalf of the temple maidens. No, Im serious. And I can see why youd be a fitting person to have

the powers-that-be wanted me out. Maybe I was a little too enthusiastic. But someday Ill build another Albemarle, and Ill have my own temple. Then womens place will be properly understood.

And swain. Dont forget we have men, too. But like I told you before,

son Benjamin. She looks contented. Thats the thing about this place, isnt

You glance over to another table, where Donna is sitting with her teenage

it, Jen. Everybody looks so annoyingly happynot euphoric like Baptists at a Christian summer camp but quietly, inwardly. Its something you can feel more than see. Donna catches your look and you smile at her. She smiles back. Is it the wine? This is a very strange place, Camille. In a nice way.

come here to check us out, and call it Three Days at Albemarle. Nobodyll read it of course, except maybe a few who are disillusioned with the Were here. We believe in something. We made a life. Are you happy, Camille? glittering hamster wheel beyond the gate, but at least thered be a record. You stop swabbing your spaghetti sauce with your garlic bread. She takes another drink of wine.

We think so. Someday I hope somebody writes a book about it. Theyll

drives us onward? Im hoping that Albemarle can give me the answers. Ask

Am I happy? Is anyone happy? Or is it just the promise of happiness that

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me then. Ask me then if Im happy. Lying in bedin your own little apartment on the sixth floor of a

building whose concrete exterior looks like artistically melted waxyou think over the days activities. Surprisingly, you have no desire to reach for your stirring little friend in the drawer. The soak in the spacious natural builds up during the course of the day. Thus your mind isnt clouded with minded, almost content. Such an odd sensation recently. And a damned welcome one!

hot tub at the baths had drawn off all of the restless energy that customarily impulses seeking expression and release but on the contrary you feel clear-

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The Beginning of a Journey Hungry?

Chapter 23

Camille, looking radiant though modest in her yellow and tan ombudsman outfit. Its seven a.m. and youre dressed and ready.

Youve answered the knock on your door and there stands a rejuvenated

The morning air is cold but the heat from the pipes beneath the flagstone moderate it nicely. Youre drinking real cappuccino from freshly ground beans as you admire the architecture of the buildings surrounding the square. This is no hippie commune, Camille. How many people live here? About three thousand. All converts to the cause?

You have breakfast on a tray at one of the tables at the edge of the square.

We liken it more to a Greek city-state.

treadmill, rogue professors, nomads, nut-jobs, just like anywhere else. The last thing we want is homogeneity. What DO you want?

For the most part, though weve got our share of escapees from the

Interesting people and fertile soil to grow in, thats all. Nothing more. Theres no millenarianism here? No manifest destiny? If youre looking for a principle, Jen, its that the American Dream isnt By wearing uniforms? She laughs.

about success and money; its about people and how they might be free.

deeply, youll see that theyre a rebellion against conformity. All the hoops think we were are gonewere more free to just be ourselves.

You think theyre a sign of conformity, dont you. But if you look more

we had to jump through to show who we were or who we wanted people to You gaze across the broad plaza already full of industry. Are all these people

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free? Or is freedom not an end result but a continuous process? One could temple directly across the square, some sixty yards distant, and you linger there. Camille sees your interest. We patterned it after the great temples of Heian Japan, though the Of course.

never be really free, could one? Your eyes come to rest on the enormous

interior is modern. No bodhisattvas, no golden Buddhas. Care to see it?

Good. Because weve got an appointment to meet the Rabbi at eight. The Rabbi? Its a synagogue? Not at all. He just seemed like the one person at Albemarle who

understands the temple better than anyone, so he was asked to take over

when Ifell out of favor. He was actually invited here to create a Jewish

study center, which he has, and he also ministers to our Jewish community.

Youre still on good terms with him? After he started to run the temple? My nemesis happens to be one of my best friends. Strange, how things

work out. I cant hate him because I love him. Cmon, lets finish up. Ill give you a little tour.

Weve been expecting you.

of one of the temples two massive doors. Even her slippers are white. Jennifer, this is Miriam. Miriam takes your hand gently in hers and smiles warmly. Are you a temple maiden? you ask. Yes. Ive been on the journey two years now. what she means.

So said the young woman dressed in white who was standing in the opening

That was an interesting way to describe it, though you have an inkling of Miriam leads you into a great hall filled with rows of seats. The ceiling is

cathedral-high, and at the far end is a chancel hung with luxurious tapestries. Thirty or forty people sit silently among the rows. It was as still as one of in New York. the chapels you used to visit at The Cloisters when you were a law student

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Are they praying? Meditating? you ask Camille quietly. Rabbi were here and well see him soon.

Yes, she replies, then puts her hand on Miriams shoulder. Tell the She nods and heads for the chancel.

colonnaded wooden porch overlooking a courtyard with a simple fountain at its center. A man dressed in pure white is sweeping the porch. building at the far end. Hi, Greg, she says as you walk past him to a door of an adjoining A temple swain? you ask her.

This way, Camille says to you, leading you out a side door to a

rich and getting laid selling paintings to the leisure class. He hated it. When I found him he was practically living on Jack Daniels. Hes an altogether different man now, though he still paints and he still gets laid. See the beauty of it?

Yes. I brought Greg here from Santa Barbarahe was an artist getting

Vassar dormitory, with a tastefully decorated lounge peopled with a handful of women in white sitting around talking or reading. This is a dorm, you say.

She opens the door and you follow her through. Inside it looks like a

hot pools and riding trail out back. This way, they rarely need to go out among our general population, and then usually in groups of twos and threes. Out there, we dont address them unless they speak to us first. everyone elsejealousies, rivalries, requests for dates and all that. If you keep them in, wheres the freedom in that?

Yes, the womens. Its got its own kitchen, library, rec room, baths, even

Hopefully this prevents the problems that might come up if they mixed with

in peoples faces, the freer they are of the vagaries of their hormones. heretheyre very special.

Yes, another paradox, like the uniforms! But the less we throw sex

Everyone treats everyone else more sensibly. And the maidens like their role It must be nice toremove some of the complications.

Well, we try to keep it simple. We offer the chance for people to experience

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intimacy at the temple, and at the same time by limiting our exposure to sex, we hope to reduce its hold on us, leaving us freer to fulfill ourselves in so opportunity for self-expression, dont you think? experience had taught you well. many other ways. A constantly aroused person has kind of a narrow band of A one-track mind would be more like it, you say, as if first-hand She looks at you knowingly.

Albemarle has straightened me out a lot, or at least I think it has. For one physical, either. Know what Im talking about? tail wagging.

I believe weve got more in common than you think. But living at

thing, I dont suffer that incessant craving anymoreand I dont mean just Only too well. Im still back there. When the bugle blows I come running, Are you bonding? You havent talked to anyone like this since Summer.

And in so short a time? Was it Camille who made this possible, or Albemarle? the residents without exception treating her with friendliness and deference. You are a star, you say.

Could you share such easy closeness with someone not of your own blood?

Follow me, she says, leading you across the lounge and down a corridor,

it. I honestly do. studio.

Im afraid my reputation is greater than the actuality. But I try to live up to You pass by various doorsdining room, kitchen, study, laundry room, art No TV room? you ask with a laugh.

at the high school, which we use to teach our kids some of the pitfalls of modern culture. how it teaches?

We dont have TVs at Albemarle. Well, thats not entirely true. Theres one

Kind of meta-learning? Not learning from the TV but learning what and You have a way with words. Thats exactly what we use it for. Needless to

say, when its not being used, we keep it in a locked room.

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You arrive at a door at the end of the corridor. She stops.

This leads out to a breezeway tohow can I say itour sacred area.

Why does that give you profane thoughts, Jen? And dont say it doesnt. You find yourself in a corridor lined with small curtained changing rooms. In each is a bench, clothes hooks, and a white robe and towel.

She pushes the heavy door open. You cross to the next building and enter.

call the purification room. Wait here. reappearing moments later.

Good, no ones here. The door at the end of the corridor leads to what we

She approaches it and knocks twice, opens it and disappears inside, Its okay. Its early yet.

like at the baths on the square, only each washing area is semi-enclosed

She holds the door open for you and you go in. Its a spacious shower room

in a cubicle for privacy and theres no soaking pool. The walls are a swirl golden brown, seamlessly cemented together. Beautiful floor, you say.

of beige plaster and the floor a mass of small smooth pebbles in shades of

stonework.

We had a craftsman from Korea in the early days. He did a lot of our You follow Camille across the room to the exit and go out. Youre in another

corridor now, this one dimly lit and lined on both sides with polished wooden doors.

the anterooms, each leading to a maidens chamber. Here the men wait. I see theyre named after rivers.

Twenty-six doors, she says; one for each letter of the alphabet. These are

about to take something of a journey and should be mentally prepared for it. Not just get their rocks off. And the journey is? Not just get their rocks off, she seconds.

Yes. So much nicer than numbers, and just a little reminder that one is

Aside from the obvious, maybe learning how to more deeply touch another

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person. And be touched by them.

You seem to be setting your sights pretty high.

one is able.

I said its a journey, Jen, not a destination. One only travels as far as But is sex a proper vehicle for it?

to strive for more selfless behavior. Sex is the most selfish thing there is, so its a fitting candidate for practice, dont you think? And you might be interested to know that its not always taking place behind these doors. Sometimes its just holding or even talking. I think I told you that already. There are many paths to intimacy, and we want to use all of them.

Were trying to make it one. Like I saidwe want to encourage people

revving, youve got one destination on your mind and damn the torpedoes! Doesnt sex sometimes overpower intimacy? Only if its calling the shots. Wed like to call a few ourselves. wonder if its really possible. little.

You think this reasonable, if a tad quixotic. After all, when your motor gets

Like I said at the Marriott, Id like to do that myself. But sometimes I I think it is, if we can just temper the animal a bit. Feed it and let it nap a But human beings are animals, when you get right down to it. Myself Thats another paradox. What can I say? Life is paradoxical. Im appreciating that more every day. Especially here. As am I.

included, as Ive found out.

she was all but admitting her lack of mastery. Sure. Pick a river.

You look at her deeply. She was the apparent master of this realm and yet Can I see one of the maidens rooms? You look to your left. Good choice.

How about Amazon? She opens the door to the anteroom. Its barely wider than the door and

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hardly any longer. Its illuminated by a dim golden light and has a polished wooden bench affixed to one wall and a Turkish-looking tapestry hanging on the other.

them sit a few minutes to collect their thoughts. Then she opens the door and invites them in. She herself opens it and steps inside, you right behind her. You see a couple

They come in and knock on the inner door. The maiden usually lets

of armchairs, a sumptuous bed, a modern washbasin, a lamp. The carpet is soft beige and the walls eggshell. A window overlooks a garden of small trees and shrubs, and beyond, the forest. Its very tasteful, you say.

lava lamps, Mexican felt paintings of bare-breasted women on the walls? You laugh. I guess the only image in my mind was something like a Texas This is not a brothel, Jennifer. Its a church.

You sound surprised. Maybe you were expecting leopard skin patterns,

whorehouse, though I have no idea what one looks like.

to him describe much the same thing as Camille had. He reminds you of much less polish. He seemed to have considerable warmth and maturity, though, especially compared with Camille. Despite her enthusiasm, she

The brief tour finished, youre sitting in the Rabbis office listening

the Governor, doesnt hesimilar age and disposition, though clearly with

was more on the cool side, almost detached, as you begin to realize only by with a heart is the phrase that runs through your mind. Tell me, Rabbi; is this for real?

bathing in the comfortable glow of the learned man in front of you. Scholar

Its only as real as we can make it, Ms Knox. As real as we can make it.

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Were Not Monks A mere three days at Albemarle and youre starting to feel almost

Chapter 24

relaxed. Okay, the urge is still thereone does love to be held, and all the

restbut its more diffuse now, isnt it; diffuse and more manageable. You

dont have to borrow anybodys man to be able to sleep well. Thats a relief, kind of carefully constructed towers youd be knocking over by taking one on. Youre still a lustful broad, no doubt about itpotential tramp in your

because men here are looking at youas usualand you have no idea what

conditionbut feeling calmer. Like a race car with a rev limiter, right? You pistons flying in every direction, theres no telling who might get hurt. But in three days that danger seems to have passed.

no longer feel that your engine can wind out past the redline and blow. With

in the mountainside hot pool under a heavily star-strung sky. I cant believe I just said that! Wow, where did that come from? she asks.

I want to stay at Albemarle! you blurt to Camille sitting next to you

the steamy air.

A crescent moon gives just enough light for you to make her out through Maybe I could be a temple maiden, Camille; take charge of my own body,

my own mind. Ive tried self-indulgence, Ive tried denial, and just about

everything in between, so Im fairly sure I cant really do it on my own. I do it.

need some kind of structure to work in, something thatll teach me how to You think the temple is that structure?

beautiful thingand not just you and the Rabbi, eithereverybody I talked to believes it lets the maidens and swain express their sexuality with dignity and restores some of the intimacy that people have lost. Two birds with one stone, just like you said! Even sweet little Donna, and she doesnt even use the temple!

Im trying to keep an open mind. From what everyone says, its a

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in sharing intimacy at the temple than making grand passionate love with ones white knight, whoever he might be. I cant go that far; not at this point. It seems impossible.

It IS a beautiful thing. I believe there can sometimes be more fulfillment

making love can be pretty much just another form of taking. Sometimes I

Maybe it seems impossible. But in the competitive society we come from,

think taking is almost a virtue. Look how we reward those who do! Givers through giving just seems wrong, especially for women because weve traditionally been the givers and trod underfoot for it.

are the nice guys who finish last, remember. The idea that we can get more

wanted to was completely different from giving because people expected it from you, and that women today cant see the difference. She asked me if I could. And?

My Aunt Summer said the same thing. She said that giving because you

it. Maybe thats what I really want to find outnot only if I can take control of myself, but if I can give instead of take and find some contentment there. I want to know if I can stare my climax in the face and say, Step aside, bitch. God, I hate even saying it. It sounds like the men have finally won. Like the temple is just another instrument to subjugate women.

I told her no. But being here, Im beginning to think theres something to

forget that. They do the same for women, which must be even more difficult when you think about it, considering their basic orientation. Secondand deeply with someone by mutual giving is a timeless spiritual experience if we let it be. The problem is, we come from a materialistic world. An this is importantthe big O is physical and temporary, while connecting

I hear you, Jen. But first of all, we have swain at the temple, too; dont

orgasm is a more tangible part of that worldspirit is subtle while coming

is anything butso were more apt to believe in it, want it, demand it. The

spirit sits in the corner crying. If you enter the temple, youll learn to make

a distinction between the two and hopefully cultivate that deeper dimension. Thats the whole point. If you cant, youll leave us, disillusioned, like those

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California-style seekers who jump from one supposedly all-knowing path if youre wonderingif youre anything like me, youll still have your untoward at Albemarle, Jen.

to the nextas the saying goes, sitting on the rice bag starving... And yes; fair share of orgasms. Having your cake and eating it too isnt the least bit Youre sweatingyou hope from the hot waterand you splash some So what are you afraid of? Arent you?

on your forehead and wipe it. Camille turns to you. What makes you think Im afraid? You ponder a moment.

long line of winners. But here Im just little Jenny Knox, facing the force of Naturealone. For the first time in my life, maybe I AM a little scared.

Maybe Im afraid of failure. Ive always been a winner. I come from a

find our happiness. We believe were looking in the right directionthe soul, not the dollarand were helping each other along the way. And yet we still have our pleasures of the body, our security, our work, our play! Were expect itits our birthright! And here at Albemarle we think we stand the best chance of getting it. Selfish? Maybe. But everything we get, we try to

Youre not alone, Jen. Were all in the same boat herewe all want to

not monks, were Americans! We dream big, and we want a big payoff. We

get through giving! We channel human selfishnessour genetic mandate, as you once put itinto selfless behavior for all to benefit. And if you decide to stay at Albemarle, even for a while, well be at your side every step. I want to! Youre a lawyer. What about that? What about politics?

politics. Maybe something of Albemarle can go into it, too. America as it could be, as people here are trying to help it be. All my life Ive been looking for fairness and for the first time, I dont find it wanting. Here, Camille. At Albemarle. Its so weird.

Ive already started sketching out a new book. Thatll be my law, my

She scoops some water with her hand and wipes the sweat from your

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forehead.

have to get past him if were to start anything at all.

Ill arrange a meeting for you with Bob Cragg, Donnas boss. Youll

dawn, ready to take you to the Visitors Center to meet with Cragg, head of Immigration or Security or whatever they call it. Youd already talked to Donna about the procedure and she assured you that Cragg wasnt as

Two days later Sammy, the cherubic Downs guide is at your door at

tough as he wanted everyone to believe. Hey, youd faced liars, crims, con men, empire-builders and just about everything else in fourteen years of law practice, so you were hardly fazed. Your main concern was to build a temple. Cragg was just a low-level hoop youd hop through on one leg. Well, lets hope so, anyway.

rapport with the Rabbi, as his was the approval you needed to get into the

You walk with him down the plush stairwell smartened with wool carpeting, paintings, sculpture niches, finely-carved banisters, the descent of six floors not seeming long at all. Sammy is chatty, like a Siamese cat being stroked and thats probably why he seems so happy. You hungry? he asks. Im always hungry. behind the ears, and you enjoy his company. He keeps it simple, you think,

Sammys innocent smile was just the thing you needed to start the day.

Me, too. I like bacon. You like bacon? maybe.

Yes, I do. Why dont we have some breakfast? Bacon and an omelet, Thats a good idea. You got good ideas, Jennifer. So do you, Sam-the-man. Sam-the-man. I like that. Sam-the-man!

the dining room of your building and pick them up at the kiosk-like window out front facing the square. The morning air is freezing but you can feel the warmth radiating from below as you sit at a table and dig in.

Having decided to eat outside, you order two breakfasts on trays from

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You came here with Camille. I remember. Thats right. Camilles good. She helps you anytime you ask her to. Shes pretty, too. Go ahead and ask him, Jen. Youve been wanting to. Ever use the temple, Sammy? Me? No. I went there once. Only once? Why not more? Can I talk to you privately? Sure.

really do it with a lady. The maiden she said thats okay, massaged my shoulders for a while. And she sang a song to me. That was nice. And you never went back?

See, I got a problem. You know, physical problem they call it. So I cant

sing to you there. And when I get the tickle, I just kinda rub against my sheet til I get the feeling. The simple life. And not ashamed to talk about it. Sometimes. I think everyone does. sheet?

No need. We can get massage anytime over at the gym. Course they dont

Do you ever get the tickle? he asks without a blush. What do you do when it happens? You do it with a man? You rub your Sometimes I do it with a man, if I really like the man. Other times, II use What the hellhe asked, didnt he? And without an ounce of perv. A vibrator? Its a little tool that vibratesyou know, shakes back and The look on his face is priceless. Wonder, coupled with total Whatcha do with it?

a vibrator.

Whats that? forth.

incomprehension.

around a little and pretty soon, you get the feeling.

Well, you turn it on and touch it to the place that feels best. You move it

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He smiles broadly.

It sounds gorgeous! Can I borrow it once? I never tried one like that.

No, not if what Camille said was trueeveryone here was aspiring to be free, to express themselvesand you were offering it selflessly. That was the whole point, after all. Sure.

Let him have the vibrator? Would that be considered breaking protocol?

Good. Ill come over tonight and you show me how to use it.

like he was asking for an actual demonstrationno doubt he had no idea what it even looked like and just wanted to be walked through the steps; how to hold it, how to turn it on, things like that.

Youre feeling like a temple maiden already, arent you. But it didnt sound

thought I did, cuz thats why I went there first time. But I talked to the

You know, he says, I dont have to go to the temple to be a man. I

Rabbi, he told me the best way to be a man is find a job and do it. Do a good job for people is what makes you a man; not if you do something with a woman or not. The Rabbi is a very wise person. I hope I can be wise someday. You think so? Im sure of it. I think youre already a little bit wise.

I like you, Jennifer.

I like you, too, Sammy. Breakfast concluded with felicity and the empty trays returned to the

window, Sammy walks you briskly across the square and along the curved path to the Visitors Centerand now you sit in the lime-green and woodpaneled office of Bob Cragg. He stares across his desk at you, giving you going to let him shake you and you take the initiative. a feeling not unlike the time you were interviewed by the FBI. Youre not

Im told you dont bite, you say with perhaps too much confidence and

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even something of a challenge.

and knowing who brought you here makes me believe that wont be necessary. Thanks for that. Can I ask then on what basis your evaluation will be? When one is a guest theres no need for evaluation, but since youve

I can take my hunk of flesh if need be, Ms Knox, but looking at you

indicated that youd like to stay on for a while, we have to be more circumspect.

Secure the stockade, man the ramparts, something like that? He stares at you. Dont fight me, Ms Knox. I know you were a lawyer but here were not

adversarial. Youre going to have to leave that part of you behind if youre going to last here. The lawyer part?

No, the adversarial.

So how do I protect myself?

but we mostly compete against ourselves, not each other. We compete

Here, we protect each other. Yes, were as competitive as anywhere else,

against our baser natures, you might say, to see which one will come out person you need protection from is yourself.

on top. Albemarle was set up to make that as easy as possible. So the only You want me to just go with the flow, then. Do you doubt it? Do you?

Thats exactly what I want. If youre able to.

principalperhaps wanting to be kind but faced with the paramount demand of the jobto ride herd. Im sorry, you say, and mean it.

Hes stern but not cold. He actually reminds you of a high school

just leave our baggage at the gate. It sometimes has to be unpacked bag by

Dont be. Weve all come from the outside, Jennifer, and we cant

bag, and who knows what strange and terrible things we might find inside?

Albemarle is a process, an evolving stage on which we want to learn to play

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roles nearer to our true hearts. We hope to be fully human here, with all the potential that might involve. No one arrives in that state, believe me. Or I could say just the opposite and not be wrong: when we first arrive here,

were all too human. Dont apologize for that. Just tell me why youre here. Ive read your papers; now I want to hear it from you. What do you expect to find at Albemarle? I dont know. My better self, maybe.

hes been doing that since you walked through the door. And you couldnt find it out there?

His stare is penetrating and you feel like hes sizing you up. Of course

trampled. Id like to be able to express that self without losing a court case, without alienating my family, without being seduced by the wrong kind of person. I want love. And now I also know how much I want animal Do you think you might find those things here? Id like to try. Myself. And what can you give in return? Giving yourself involves service. Frankly, you dont strike me as the I can! Ive done it before, in little bits and pieces. Ive supported people;

It was always with me but I had to keep it hidden for fear of being

satisfaction. But chasing those things out there only got me into trouble.

type of person whod be happy serving others.

Ive taken risks for them. Ive written a book in hopes of improving their lot in life.

to bend down and fasten the latchet on someone elses sandal?

But lets face ityoure one successful lady. How do you expect to be able I can learn. Camilles a successful woman and she can do it. So can I.

face peering in. Shes wearing an encouraging smile. Ask him, you reply, nodding toward Cragg.

Someone knocks twice on the door and opens it. You turn to see Donnas Hows it going? she chirps, free as a skylark on a country fencepost. He never shows his cards til the bettings over. Good luck.

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With that, she exits. You turn back to the indefatigable gaze of Cragg. more. Are you up to that?

We work hard here, Jennifer. Eight, ten, twelve hours a day, sometimes I was a partner in a law firm; Im no stranger to hard work.

temple.

You wrote in your papers that you were interested in working at the Yes.

and perhaps most difficult job. Its a lot like monastic life, as Im sure youve been told. Though you select your own hours of service, the rest of the time is spent in training, meditation, reading, cleaning, recreation with the other maidens. Youre cultivating a purity of mind because youre dealing with horse without the utmost discipline. the most powerful and potentially destructive of forces. Few can ride that Im aware of the challenges, Mr Cragg. Bob. If Im allowed to speak

You must know that at Albemarle, thats probably the most special

plainly here, and I assume I am, I feel as though Ive become too obliged by maybe because it makes a buck. My own daughter is going down on her boyfriend because she thinks its the best way to manage him, and shes

desires that are only inflamed out thereeverything seems to be sexualized,

fifteen. So maybe Im a sycophant like everyone elsehaving grown up

on the stuffbut now I want to get it out of my system a little, meanwhile maybe channeling it so that other people might get something out of it, if drivers seat of my own car instead of getting run over by it. It sounds like youve thought this through. thats possible. Turn selfish into selfless, as Camille put it. And get into the He leans back in his chair and puts his hands behind his head. I have, believe me. This was no snap decision, no heroic fantasy to become

get there. But I think Albemarle, and more particularly the temple, might offer a workable path.

Joan of Arc to the troops. I know where I want to goI just dont know how to

accepted into the community. Its only that acceptance itself that Im concerned with.

You know, of course, that I have no say in what people do once theyre

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How am I doing? youve cleared it. Im in?

Let me say that weve set the bar extremely high in recent times, and

He stands and extends a hand across the desk. Youre in, and I think youll prosper here. Im in! I cant believe it!

I take it you know about our financial requirements?

Albemarle general account, to be returned to me when I leave, plus three percent.

Camille told me. All my liquid assets are to be deposited into the

We find its a measure of ones commitment. And it helps us grow.

me in?

Can I ask you one thing? What would have been grounds for not letting Youre asking me what kind of people we keep out? The list is longer

than you might expectbut it tends to revolve around zealots and escapees from some hell. On the whole, though, were looking for an attitudea sincere we really want. desire to make the best of whatever ones Creator has given one. Thats all You give the guy a final handshake.

Thanks, Bob. It was a lot more painless than I expected. Thats down to you more than me, Im sure. The first hurdle overcome! Now, one more just aheadthe Rabbi. Then

maybe the biggest hurdle of allraw biology! Can you ever hope to leap that high?

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Giving Has Its Limits Sammy is waiting for you when you come out of Craggs office.

Chapter 25

You look happy, he says. Are you happy? Im very happy. He says I can stay.

She told me come get you.

You can stay here? Thats gorgeous. Cmon, lets go tell Camille. The corridor is hopping, people going in and out of offices, exchanging Wheres Donna? I want to tell her, too. Shes at the gate. Lets go there first.

papers, conferring. No drones here.

with hers. She says her son Benjamin wants to be a writer, and now that youre staying awhile, would you mind talking to him sometime? I brought three, you say with a laugh. And Id like to read your book, she says. Did you bring a copy? Good. Welcome to the family, Jennifer.

Donna is ecstatic when she hears the news and presses your hand excitedly

Center, through the luxuriant stand of trees to the square once more. The sun feels warm on your face, in spite of the chilly air. so fast!

You and Sammy take your leave, returning along the path, past the Visitors

Wheres Camille? you ask, breathing deeplythat darned Sammy walks Said shed wait by the steps. The Spanish ones. Cmon, lets go. Hey, wait up! To your right as you leave the square is a tram linethe lug train, they

call itwhere cable cars go up to the north end of Albemarle. Next to that and running parallel is a wide sidewalk heading up the mild slope, and fifty yards or so up that is a broad set of steps resembling the Piazza di Spagna

in Rome, or so they say. Every time youve been by it in the last few days, it was always thick with people, lounging and chattingapparently many

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people used it to take a break from work or as a convenient meeting place. There she is, Sammy says, half a step in front of you. She stands when you approach. Well?

Uniforms of every color and design can be seen and its a delight to the eye.

What do you mean, well? Im in! She embraces you enthusiastically. Youre quality. All the way. I had no doubt. Youre quality all the way, lady. Tell her, Sammy. See? So sit down; tell me how it went.

Gotta go, Sammy says, half-saluting and speeding back down the steps. You sit on the warm concrete, Camille easing down beside you. Well, basically I told him a lot of the same things I told you. He tried to Hes a sheep in wolfs clothing, we like to say. If he trusts you. If he You relate the tenor of the conversation and her eyes are glued to yours. So, when can I see the Rabbi again? you ask. You wanted to start your

seem tough but Ive dealt with tough before and I saw right through him. suspects something, though, hes the actual wolf.

She likes you, doesnt she, which is good because you like her.

training at the temple as soon as possible, but like a horse too fast on the gallop, youre about to be reined in.

asks if youd consider being her apprentice as an ombudsman for a while and maybe go to the temple once a week to visit a swain to experience what it was like. Who knows? Maybe you wont even like it. In any case, try it

Getting into the temple is like getting into Harvard, she says, and

out to see if its for you. Meanwhile, work with me. Strange as it may seem, weve got our share of problems here, and I think the attorney in you can get a good workout helping to solve them. Ill show you how we do it and me a few tricks, too.

youll pick it up fast. Its really just basic mediation. Im sure you can teach So when do we start?

How about after lunch? Ive got a meeting at two with some residents of

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your building. A new family has joined us and although they talked a good a little too tightly to the old ways. Weve had some complaints.

game when they first came in, the honeymoons overtheyre still clinging Cragg said people cant just leave their baggage at the gate.

leering at the hot pools, the daughter got caught cheating at school, and the wifes been gossiping. Were not running a finishing school here; people have to take some responsibility for their own re-education. And if they wont? Then why are they here?

Its true, and were tolerant of that, to a point. But the husbands been

So were going to jump into the middle of it. put your ass on the line by barging right in. She chuckles.

Thats our job. Like I said, mediationfrom the Latin word meaning

like to go to our tailoring studio and be fitted for a uniform or not? Its not required, you know. You smile at her.

Anyway, she continues, now comes the moment of truth. Would you

I ought to be game enough to try wearing a uniform. She laughs.

If Im game enough to consider spreading em at the temple, I suppose

Thats my girl. Youre not disappointed? Working with me first? I cant think of anyone Id rather work with.

have to inform your mother and Sandra of your decision. It was no wall

The transition to Albemarlian is not without discomfort, as you

of tears, howevernot in your familybut a long cold silence on the part of your mother and an expressive sighof disappointment or relief, you werent sureon Sandras. Your mother couldnt resist using another of liked the added importance of keeping up two houses and caring for her only grandchild (who didnt need care so much as a chaperone). And as her favorite words againgallivantingeven though you suspected she

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far as Sandra was concerned, she was so enamored of her music and her

partner in crime that it probably didnt matter which adult was around, or in a sophomoric attempt to be free? Still, the tone of the conversation you detect a feeling of abandonment on their part? Was this the burden

if one were around at all. Didnt she run off to Madison last year with Zack with both had beenwhat? Because youre the one always leaving, did you had to bear to realize your freedom? Why couldnt you work out your are you just weak? O tempore! O mores! One hopes that old Cicero was right. Grant Morgan was a harder nut to crack, as he had been the

indecorous little conundrum back in Chicago? Is it the age we live in, or

beneficiary of your newfound passionshad been the one to loose them

and though there had been no more conjugal visits beyond the one, you were enjoy the fruits of his handiwork. Thus you had told him about becoming an A half-truth at best, yet better than a lie. But no doubt youd be out of the

fairly certain he was looking forward to the day, if years hence, to once more ombudsman but avoided mentioning your determination to enter the temple. temple and out of Albemarle long before he was released from prison. Yet

even then he was bound to ask questions, if only because by then you may

very well not be that former ardent little minx he knew and adored. Ah, the call, hadnt it. And no more weekend visits, either, now that youre staying in Montana. Youre sure that had he not been so self-possessed, hed have called you every name in the book. The Doomsday Book. The telephone book. The holy book of sluts.

complications of what we call love! That had been one uncomfortable phone

enoughit took less than an hour and admit ita little more time than was necessary was spent in front of the mirror. After all, Jennifer Knox is quite a looker and it would be a shame to don clothes that would hide that fact. Thus came one of your most important lessons yet at Albemarle: youre

The fitting and sewing of the ombudsman uniform went smoothly

vain, honey, the woman in you like women everywhere a little too quick to

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want to show off what youve got. That was hard-wired, you figure, and part of the same horse you wanted to try to ride and tame. Afterward, a genial lunchSammy had found you and said Donna and

Ben hoped to have a bite with you. Ben, fourteen, wanted to talk about

writing. He said he wanted to write a novel somedaywhen he had more experienceor maybe a journal about life as he saw it. He said he was especially interested in telling the Albemarle story, as he was certain

that if Jefferson were to come back from the dead, he would be infinitely happier here than in the Virginia of today, though the wide-eyed teen did concede that Washington probably wouldnt, being more of a case-hardened capitalist and tight-ass. Lunch finished with him asking you if youd put in a good word for him with Camille, because in the meantime he wanted to learn how to be an ombudsman.

family in question merely being too new and too afraid to know what to

The mediation session with Camille was a piece of cake, the errant

grab onto in their new home, real freedom being somewhat overwhelming for some people. Once Camille explained the ropes a bit more clearly and you used your well-honed people skills to make them feel more relaxed

and, wellwelcome, they seemed to settle right down and hopefully would swim with the current now and not hark back to that raging river whence and so feelings were smoothed all around. they came. Moreover, the complaining residents were mild and forgiving, Nice work, Camille had said as you walked with her down the warm Like Sammy told me about what the Rabbi said to himyou find a job To find happiness?

and inviting staircase of the apartment building. Lets hope it takes. and you do it.

No, you laugh; to become a man!

with diverse people to get a sense of how things were going.

Next were a couple more minor interventions and a few hours of talking Thats part of our job, she had said. To head off trouble before it starts.

As an attorney, Im used to just the opposite: not an ombudsman corps to

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ward off trouble but police to deal with it when it happens.

walking the beat. Unfortunately, the mass movements of people we have anymore.

If ya gotta have police, I favor the British way: community constables

now with globalization make that all but useless. Nobody knows anybody I guess you dont know how lucky you are here. Im sorrywas that a you or a we? Finishing by six, she says she has dinner plans and will meet you in the

morning at eight. You go to Caravan Lane and have German sausages with mashed potatoes and a couple of beers at the Rathskellerand no check! Thats an interesting point about Albemarle, you thinknobody uses money; everythings free. You retire to your apartment on the sixth floor height dimly illuminated by colored light. What secrets lie within, what insights, what pleasures? Is there also pain? Heartbreak? Sammy standing there, beaming at you. Sure. Come on in.

overlooking the square. You look across to the temple, its elegantly looming

Your thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door. Opening it, you see Can I see that vibator? he asks. He sits and you retrieve it from a bedroom drawer. It hasnt gotten any use Here it is. See, just a thing that vibrates.

since youve been at Albemarle.

contrivances but a general massage tool with several attachmentswhich youve thrown away, keeping only the one with the smooth plastic nub. He takes it in his stubby, muscular hands. Its funny-looking.

Fortunately for your modesty, its not one of those dildo-shaped

Let me turn it on; Ill show you how it works. He hands it back to you. two for fast. Heres the switch, you say. Its got two speeds; see, one dot for slow and Which is better?

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and which one you like. Hold out your finger. It shocked me!

Some people like it fast, some people like it slow. You can try both and You turn it on and touch the nub lightly to his fingertip. He recoils sharply. Its not a shock, its just a vibration. Look, you add, touching it to your He holds out his finger and you try again. This time he grins like a chimp in See? you say. Its nice. Now lets try high.

own finger, then to your cheek, it feels good. front of a mirror.

out and touches it with finger and thumb, his grin extending even wider than before. You turn it off.

You move the switch and the hum becomes louder. Braver now, he reaches

think youre such a pro now, Jen!) and you rub it back and forth there. Youll get the feeling sooner than you think. his belt. Can you show me? he exclaims, enthusiastically standing up and undoing Whoa, whoa! This is something youre going to have to do for yourself. A look of disappointment comes over his face as he sits back down, and

of touch it around where it feels good. Therell be a spot that feels best (you

Okay, so you should probably start with low. You turn it on and just kind

yes, it saddens you. The kid only wanted some instruction, some pleasure,

and you were capable of giving him bothand yet you denied him. Why? nearly a boy; he was retarded; youd only known him a few days; one

Out beyond the gate the answer would have been self-evident: he was very doesnt gratify others on demand. All valid reasons. Why, then, do you feel discontent? If you couldnt offer some intimacy and joy to this obviously innocent young guy who liked you and maybe even looked to you for heavier demands from men who could be far from innocent? Well, gotta go, then. Take a bath time. guidance, how can you expect to work at the temple and face no doubt

Okay. Here, Ill put this in a bag for you and you can take it home tonight. His face brightens and he looks at you with genuine affection.

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Youre nice, Jennifer.

Not as nice as you, Sammy. But I hope to be someday.

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The Temple Swain Camille picks you up at eight and after a light breakfast and some

Chapter 26

fresh-roast Italian coffee, work commences anew, beginning with a talk to do if theyve already started. Out there, Camille says, referring to

at the high school on how to anticipate interpersonal problems and what what lies beyond Albemarle, everyone competes with everyone elseits Because it seems so natural, we dont really have any ethical qualms

human nature and an endless contest we freely join and call it meritocracy. about itheck, you can see siblings in the same family competing all the hurt. So its really just a change in the configuration of societynot the

time. No big deal, right? But even in a meritocracy people fail, people get essencewhere the pyramid of the old days has simply been replaced by for self-worth, for ones place on the curve. Here at Albemarle, wed like

the bell-shaped curve. And except for a lucky few, its still a daily struggle you to turn that instinctive urge to compete in another direction, where you

challenge yourselfto improve daily, to study harder, work harder, be more compassionate, curb your selfishness, and maybe most importantly for your future, learn how to express yourself, be yourself, without stepping all over other people doing it. Throughout her talk, there was no lack of questions.

sophomore.

Wasnt Jefferson a believer in meritocracy? asks a thoughtful four-eyed

others like him to say that people should succeed not because of the fortunes of birth but on their own merit was a courageous leap in thought. So rather than say he didnt go far enough, try to appreciate just how far he went.

Yes he was, but you have to look at the times he lived in. For him and

Were all children of our era, and maybe the most that can be expected of us is that we realize its limitations and try to go beyond them to the best of our ability.

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thing with a turned-up nose, serious as all get-out.

Isnt that the treadmill that we criticize so much? asks a cute little Thats a good point, Jo. But to answer that, we have to consider what

meritocracy has come to look like today: one is never good enough and bedroom. Okay, so here at Albemarle were forever pushing ourselves,

always has to prove oneself. In the classroom. The boardroom. Even the tootoward greater understanding, skill, fulfillment, butwe accept that

we are good enough on a fundamental level just as we are, and so we dont need to fear being ourselves. Thats the social contract we enter into when we come here. No one judges anyone elseif you do, youll find me in your face like an Australian wombat and you dont want that. [Laughter.] Were human, which means were not perfect or even perfectible. As Im sure

youve heard many times before, here we only hope to encourage the good

qualities in people and let the bad ones lie fallow. Part of my job, maybe the biggest part, is to help that along. But you have to do your part. Every time youre with someone, I want you to think, Am I encouraging this person? Making it possible for their better self to come out? Thats the duty of everyone here in this roomuntil it becomes habit. And its not easy. You might even be tempted to rate others on how much of that better self has come out, creating just another divisive social hierarchyinstead of richer encourage people without judging them like this and were successful even part of the time, what a world we could create!

than thou or cooler than thou, it becomes holier than thou. But if we can

enough now. Maybe its time to actually start writing.

Great fodder for your new book, Jen. Youve been scribbling notes long

his training to become an ombudsman. All students at fourteen choose a

At your request, Camille met with Ben about the possibility of

part-time apprenticeship: communications, landscaping, finance, security, education and so on. After listening to Ben put forth his case to Camille, you were sure hed made the right choice, and afterward, had urged her to take him on. He had intelligence and drive, for sure, but maybe more

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importantly, at least to you, he seemed to have a real feel for people.

Next is an intervention, and after that a workshop. The intervention involves two women whod fallen for the same manCamille said (possibly from to fight over a woman. The later workshop is for the gym staff because personal experience, you think) that it was far more common for two men basketball games now played on the inside courts because of the weather

had grown a little too intense and uncivil. After, you have lunch alone on the square, facing the temple. Your thoughts are with the temple. Sammy comes by to return the vibrator. Its gorgeous, he says, handing you the bag.

demeanor.

You resist the urge to ask him how it went, though it seems clear by his Why dont you keep it? you say, then suddenly regret it because one

never knows when the hormones would reawaken from their slumber and call out, Its time. Me? No, I want you to get the feeling. Then, almost as an afterthought, This elicits a smile on your part. Anytime. He grins and turns away, heading with purposeful strides toward the path

Maybe I can borrow it sometimes.

at the edge of the square leading to the Visitors Center.

Steps under the late afternoon sun.

When can I go to the temple, Camille? you ask, sitting on the Spanish To visit a swain? When youve settled in a bit more. We like to wait two

weeks. That way, people arent still marking time so much by their former

routines. In your case, you seem to be pretty much on the pace here already, Can you wait? Its only another eight or nine days. suppose its curiosity more than anything.

so I think its better to leave it to you. Still, I recommend at least two weeks. In Sammys terms, I dont have the tickle yet, if thats what you mean. I Good. Its better if you go there when you want something than when you

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need it, though we provide for both.

Maybe I just want to get it over with.

Try to aim for the delight.

Anticipation for the temple can be a delight or a brute with sharp teeth.

to prove something to Camille, arent you, and maybe even to the Rabbi started taking your little electric friend to bed with you again? Time and

Sixteen days go by. Oh, youre a tough one, Knox. Youre trying

whos apparently following your progress closely, but do they realize youve biology had caught up with you, hadnt they, thanks to your self-denial. That had been your special brand of initiation ritual, no doubt. If the maidens and swain were as holy as Camille suggested they were, how else could you prove yourself worthy of them than resisting the very urge to couple that drew you to their sacred tabernacle? If only you didnt have to assuage your carnality with a machine in order to do it. You might become a maiden, but not to hell, even the alluring one on earth. Todays the day. you could never become a nun! Where will all this lead you, Jen? Hopefully

Camille looks up from her Greek salad.

Youve made an appointment? she asks.

me through it, just like you did, only this time its the mens side and therell be someone on the other side of the door. How do you feel? What about? change my mind? You know that. I guess Im a little nervous. Ive never been with a stranger before. Never. Is it too late for me to Why do you call him a stranger? At Albemarle, were none of us strangers. But what if I dont like him? What if I cant bear to have him touch me?

Yesterday. Miriams meeting me at the front door. She says shell walk

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expectations, Jen. Do you remember the first time you made love? Im

Then just tell him to stop. Look, its better if you dont go with any

guessing it wasnt all that goodit usually isnt. You had to experience something special, something to be desired. Am I right? You consider. Yes.

more of it, understand it better, invest your emotions in it before it became

different about it because its subtle and you have to become attuned to it.

And thats just how the temple is. You might not even notice anything

Today, if you do go ahead with it, youre likely to say, Hey, Im just getting laid. Is this all there is? What a disappointment! but theres more, if youll only give it time. What if I cant? What if it repulses me?

in a month or so you could start working as an ombudsman proper on your own. You dont need me anymore, putting ideas in your head.

Dont worry about it. You can keep working with me if you want. I think

nothingnot even your own disappointmentwill deter you from fulfilling it. Okay, so youve got the jitters. Get over it.

That wont do, will it, Jen. Youve come here with a plan in mind and

there the first time.

Miriam is waiting at the door, just as she was when Camille took you

Hi, Jennifer.

women sometimes do. She leads you through the temples great hall to the door leading outside to the colonnaded porch overlooking the courtyard. I like that fountain, you say, pausing a moment.

You go in with her and she walks arm in arm with you, like Mexican

to the bubbling water and it takes me somewhere. Another place in my mind. I feel like crying sometimes, but its a different kind of tears. Instead of going through the door to the womens quarters, she leads

They say its Italianate. Sometimes when Im sweeping out here, I listen

you along the arcade to another wooden building where the men would be

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waiting. Your man. Your holy swain. Inside, you see that theres an identical corridor lined with changing rooms. This is as far as Ill go with you, Miriam says. Use one of these to

change into the robe on the hanger. Take the towel and go through the door at the end of the corridor for your ablutions. Is it like the other room I saw, with a beautiful stone floor?

corridor. Go in the room marked Colorado. Like the river?

Yes. When youre finished, put the robe back on and go into the next

The mighty Colorado. Just sit quietly and wait. Whats his name? Your swain? Kevin.

Thank you, Miriam.

make it so. But dont worryif its not what you expect, it will get better. Thats what Camille told me.

Are you okay? The first time is sometimes hard. Maybe we ourselves

much everything she said turned out to be true.

Shes the one who taught me. Im still learning but I can say that pretty Miriam turns to leave and soon youre alone in the corridor. Is it always

this quiet, or have they picked this time especially to give you some privacy because youre a novice? You go in one of the changing rooms and slip into the robe, then pad

barefoot down the hall with your towel to the so-called purification room.

Why dont they just call it what it isa shower room? Could Albemarle be else, except candy-coated? Or is it actual substance and its only modern convention that makes you so skeptical? Okay, so you purify yourself,

just a land of euphemisms but scratch the surface and its just like anywhere

dry off, don the robe again and go into the anteroom marked Colorado to wait. You do feel vaguely clean, but how much of that is just a product of attitude? Was it merely auto-suggestion that allowed these people to re-

sacralize a mundane world, make it seem holy again? Or was there more to

it? This Albemarle posed more questions than it answeredwould it always

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be that way? Maybe youd wake up one morning and all would be clear.

a man about thirty-five, dark blond hair, wearing a white robe similar to yours. Hes not bad to look at but thats not what catches your eye. Its his quiet proud. Maybe this wont be so bad after all. Jennifer? Yes. presence, isnt it; the way he stands there looking at you, confident but not

Two light taps come from inside the inner door and it opens, revealing

similar to the room youd seen before, only the light is much dimmer owing to the curtains being half-drawn. He waits to see if youll sit in one of the chairs or on the bed, and when you sit on the bed, he sits beside you. Im Kevin. Miriam told me. Do you know why Im here, Kevin? Not really.

He motions for you to come into the room, then closes the door. It looks

Im sure you have your reasons. Do you want to talk? A minute goes by; maybe two.

Do you mind if I kiss you? he asks.

I dont know. Try it and then Ill tell you if I mind or not.

your face fully toward his. Is that a twinkle in his eye? So sure of himself, isnt he! And then the kisshes as sure-footed as a bighorn ram on a mountain ledge. You offer him a taste of your sweetness and he extends his tongue to him to the test so soon? You reach to part his robe, his lips still insistently on yours, and feel for what might be lurking there. Wow! eh Jen? Thats something you dont fake, right? Go ahead, have a little feel. Yes, hes

He puts an arm around your shoulder and a hand to your cheek, turning

lap it hungrily. Is it just an act or is he beginning to desire you? Shall we put

reacting nicely. Good; hes a man after all, not a god. Hes human, which journey with you. That settled, you can relax a bit now and let him know you just might just be ready to go there, or at least in that direction.

means hes not taking you somewhere as your tour guide but going on the

Picking up on your cue, he shifts into second gear and before you know

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it youre spread-eagled on the bed with your robe wide open. Youre

amazed at his fervor, his spontaneity. Face it, you expected more of a clinical delivery, practiced, routinized. Kevin here was hardly more than a man hungry to see, touch, and explore what youve got, and his breathing is

giving him awaythat and the little vocalizations in his throat as he makes a feast of your excited fleshor is that you? No longer one to take your own pleasure lying down, you give him a little of what he probably craves

as well til the both of you are in that other world, the world of singsong bird

song gone all crazy, besotted balloonists in freefall. How long he can sustain exceptional enough to take you to the very brink, at which time you feel him enter you like a hot poker into molten iron and the almost violent

this before bottoming out you have no idea, but his endurance is exceptional,

pyrotechnics soon bring the prize crashing home, you clutching Kevin like he was someone you knew, someone you trusted. Are you smiling? Was it that good? Or was it that you needed it that bad? As the paroxysms subside, is labored breathing and his sweaty chest against your breasts, your sweaty stomach against his. After a time you feel yourself returning to this world, your breathing still strong but regular now. What a woman, you hear him say as he nuzzles your ear.

he slows to a crawl, a delicious one, then stops altogether. All thats left now

lips. Im sorry. I just dont understand this yet. He kisses your ear lightly.

Do you mean it? you ask, regretting it as soon as the words leave your

doesnt need to be anything more than that.

Theres not much to understand. Its you and me sharing a moment. It The altered state receding more into the background, your quick and Can I ask you something? you say. You seem to actually like me, Yes, I do. And I also find you very exciting. But what if I were plainer? Or sixty? Im sure that they told you that at Albemarle, we try to look to the person

curious consciousness is returning to the fore.

although I dont know how thats possible so soon.

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within. Not every woman is exciting or physically attractivebut theres else in you. If I look deep enough into any woman, what might I find?

so much more to a person than that. Youre attractive, but I saw something Vulnerability? Sincerity? Defiance? Hunger? Humor? If I can connect with they get physical pleasure in the process, thats icing on the cake. Plus your own physical pleasure. Lets not forget that.

someone, find their hidden qualities or ease their pain, theres the reward. If

Why? Well, aside from the physical partit feels goodhe seems to care for you. Again, how is that possible? How can you just meet someone and they not be a stranger? His hand is caressing your leg as if it has every right to. getting sucked into a vortex from which theres no escape save without your innocence? Thats a laugh, since anyone would say you lost your

He kisses you again and you dont mind it one bit. In fact, you like it.

Thats so odd. Are you perverse? Is this a place of immorality where youre

innocence long agowhen Jack waltzed out the door with his big-breasted little homewrecker, or maybe when Nick got into your garden of delights by way of his boat with two big Mercury marine engines. If thats so, why do you wrenched from your consciousness that life was forever darker and dirtier thereafter. Youre still a kid after all, arent you. Am I innocent, Kevin? you ask. Maybe you are, yes.

still FEEL innocent? Your childhood, or so you believe, has never been so fully

How do you know what I mean? And how are you so quick to see it? becoming more like a reassuring caress. Coming so soon from beyond the bedding down with a guy youve just met? Thats the view of the profane

It probably comes from the training, he replies, his touch on your thigh

gate, he adds, I can see how you might ask. Arent you a fallen woman for world, but youre here now. Try to raise your sights. Dont judge yourself in terms of the people out there. Try to see a sacred universe of interconnected beings all on the same journey, giving one another sustenance as they go.

That all sounds so noble, but you just fucked me, Kevin. And I let you.

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concern for you? My love?

And that wasnt a sustaining hand touching yours? You didnt feel my Thats a bit of a stretch, Kev.

before. Im not sure its something I can handle. heard?

I think its all still a little much for me. Ive never done anything like this Is this post-coitum triste or is there something on your mind wanting to be Do you have regrets? he asks. Do you want to go? No.

I dont know. Ill know later, after it sinks in. You dont miss a beat. Thats a good sign.

Is it? How do I know youre not corrupting me? the room.

He looks at you seriously, although it may only be the somber light of I think youre one whod prefer frankness, so Ill speak freely. Maybe You find his remark irritating.

youve already been corrupted, Jennifer. Before you even came here.

little? Helping to remove the taint? Your tone is sharp.

And its your assertion then, that maybe youre just cleaning me up a

I AM a lawyer.

You sound like a lawyer now. He must be taken aback because he seems to regroup before speaking again. Then Im sure you appreciate that words can be feeble vehicles for And whats the reality?

conveying truth. Sometimes they represent reality, sometimes they dont.

here, do you see false gods, decadence, materialism? If youre upsetting the irony in that.

The reality is that its not Albemarle thats corrupt. Everywhere you turn

yourself about going against societys values, surely you must be able to see

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your hurry? His cheek is against yours, his rising and falling chest meeting yours, his quintessential maleness inside you, dormant and supple as a sea cucumber. Youve been here before and its a comforting feeling, isnt it. After so many hours, days alone. Look, hes got you just where he wants

Thats worth thinking about, for sure. Why not take a momentwhats

you, as the world would say, but whos to say you havent got him exactly just done your bidding. Why do you accuse him of corruption? Still, you cant give it up. How many women will you screw today, Kevin? He lifts his head up and looks at you. by sharing a sacred moment?

where you want him? You initiated this encounter, Knox, and in effect hes

Why must you be profane? Why cant you see it as affirming one another Why couldnt we do that over a cup of herb tea?

itll wreak havoc. This way we do both. Is this the piece of meat?

We could, but we have to throw the beast a piece of meat now and then or

to do what needs to be donein tune with what the soul cravesuntil the beast emerges from its lair again. Here we can feed it fully, respectfully. Respectfully?

Isnt it? And afterward, we can get on with whats important to us in life,

knowpreening; strutting; flashing cleavage, pecs, cash and stuff; using honeyed words; playing on guilt or sense of dutythe litany goes on, as Here, one has only to acknowledge: I want to be touched. Its that simple. Nothing could be simpler.

Just by being ourselves. We dont need to resort to manipulation. You

Im sure youre aware. People will use any means to get someone into bed.

hesitating you bend your knee so he can reach the back of your leg. Why do you encourage such familiarity? That feels good, you say.

After a few moments, he begins to stroke your thigh again. Without

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good, too. Have you lost your mind, Jennifer? Or are you slowly finding it? Wouldnt it be nice not to succumb to another Grant Morgan, stoop to a shallow Adonis like Nick, take refuge in a convalescent Dan, or joyously

Almost instantaneously you feel him stirring inside you. That feels

humiliate yourself under the impenitent rod of a Dwayne? And how good heartless little machine in the drawer by your bed? Could Albemarle free

would it be never to have to rely on the cold comfort of knowing theres a you from forever having to pander to the animal withinwhose covetous dealings until now have led you astray of your chosen path and shows no sign of civilizing in the future? For what do the genes care what you have their chances for survival in another generationbecause thats all they care aboutand will instruct your body to pour out endless qualities of

to do for a fuck? As long as you do itin order that they might maximize

hormones to get you to do it. And when you do, reward you with yet more chemicals to make you feel good. And once your emotions are hooked, those delicate thingsnow overpoweredtake over the job. Now you

dont have to couple; you want to. With whom or with what consequences becomes less important. The important thing is that you do. You fuck and you keep fucking until youre too old to be desired anymore, even if it gets

you into trouble. Just think of itin the temple, all of that drama falls by the wayside. You can feed the animal and still hold your head up high. You can be desired for more than just your body. You can love unselfishly. If only it proves to be true! It would be so pleasant to bathe in such thoughts a while longer but

Kevin has started to move again. Not in earnest yet, but with a savory

deliberatenessto tune you up, maybe, get you in the proper mood. Will

you allow him to touchmerge withthat deeper part of you, whatever it yourself youre not just getting banged after allyoure letting someone satisfy your irrepressible need at the same time. Youre his, Jen, and hes yours. Can you find a way to see that?

might be? Keep thinking like that, Jen, and lets see where it takes you. Tell touch you; no, youre ASKING him to touch you, to join with you, and to

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beyond words, beyond the existence of this world or even this room. Theres only you, woman, fusing to this man in an embrace thats so purely physical now that it almost scares you, and yet one suffused with such dignity, that petit mort, Jen, so that you might live again. suchlove? Die for this man, Jennifer, just as he will die for you! Suffer

But the time for thought is past. Theres only feeling now, beyond thought,

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Chains That Hold Us Together? The rest of the day is spent with Camille, and she has studiously

Chapter 27

avoided asking you how it went at the templewhich is good because you havent processed it yet and would hardly know what to say. Shes smart, that Camille. She knows that when it builds up inside you and the dam own. Look at her! Not a wink, a knowing look, an expectant pause.

finally bursts, a lot morell come pouring out than she could drag out on her So how was it, Jennifer? Any inkling yet? Well, if its any indication,

youre already planning next weeks visit, arent you. And lookyoure not even blushing. You must be coming to terms with it somehow, whether you realize it or not. The capillaries dont lie.

of you take him to the elementary school and get him to mediate between a couple of kids whose personalities clash. One little brat is bossy, the other hates to be bossed. Afterward, in an outdoor coffee nook heated by steam pipes, she tells him he was a little heavy-handed. says.

The first order of business: Camille pulls Ben out of school and the two

Theres a difference between being authoritative and authoritarian, she I thought theyd listen to me if they thought I was confident.

problem and all they had to do was follow your lead. Thats not how we do it. Its better to draw solutions from themlet them figure it out on their

Thats true. But you were overconfident. You told them how to solve the

own and just second the ideas that seem best. That way, you help them build up their own judgmentso hopefully they dont need you a second time. Gotcha. Sorry. Dont say gotcha til you actually see yourself doing it right. Dont be sorry. Youve got the makings of a good mediator, Ben, but its

not going to happen til you learn how to use your talents. One step at a time.

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Gotcha, he says with intentional humor, and everyone gets a laugh. have mellowed or not. They havent. While youre talking in the office, you hear shouts coming from the gym floor. Camille, being one of the founding members of Albemarle, could have marched out there and settled it with gym staff so theyll learn how to handle it themselves. Later, you quiz her about this. Vaguely.

After lunch you and Camille do a follow-up at the gym to see if things

hardly a word, but true to form she focuses instead on further training of the

Ever heard of Emile Durkheim? she asks you. Hes more or less considered the father of sociology. He said all groups

of people crave solidarityholding together as a group. He claimed theres two types of solidaritymechanical and organic. Mechanical solidarity is

where people are held together by rules, everyone toeing the line because of, well, fear of the consequences if they dont. The other kind of solidarity is organic, where people bond together and follow the groups ways because

they want to; they see the good they and everyone else gets out of it if they themselves. Thats what were about here. How can we talk about freedom the best way to get along is by looking for shared commonalities. We want them to want to get along with others. If someones cheating or hogging the ball on the basketball court, do you kick them out or do you try to get compete? Good for them and good for everyone else. Doesnt that take time?

do. They dont need to be controlled so much by rules because they control if everyones afraid of breaking the rules? Were trying to show people that

them to see the greater good that can come from playing fair, even as they

important?

Weve got time! And if we dont, we make time. What could be more After the gym you go to the factoryyes, theres a factorywhere sport

shoes are made. She says that because of the sometimes tedious nature of

the work, there are split shifts, rotating work stations, and everyone spends at least an hour a day in a supervisory role. The difficulty isjust as with

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every other problem at Albemarlehuman nature. In order to encourage steady production, a quota system is in place; and because everyone has responsibility for meeting the quota. such a varied workday (and some are plain lazy), nobody wants to take the And yet when there was an experiment here where quotas were eliminated The key, then, as she put it, was to find that balance between external control

for a month, production dropped nineteen percent. A big lesson for all of us! and internal control. You work hard because you have to, and you work hard because you want to. Naturally, the emphasis is on the latter. But human nature being what it is, absence of the former has a tendency to create more a land of lotus eaters than productive citizens. So saith the great and wise Camille.

is to create a little friendly competition. People have abundant ability to

The solution, which you cant see at all but which is perfectly clear to her,

cooperate, she says, but being living creatures, they need competition or

they stagnate. Stagnation leads to withering and dying in all things. The key, she explains, is to create competition where some get the glory but all win. Youre immediately skeptical. Hows that possible?

listening to what people have to say, then afterward well put our heads

Its not. But our job is to make it possible. So today well just go around

together and see if we can come up with something. Its a perennial problem here, so we might even discuss it at the weekly ombudsman meeting. The Advocatell be there, so thatll be a good opportunity to meet him. should be interesting.

The Advocate. The creator and original bankroller of Albemarle. That After the factory and your brainstorming session about it, you think to

fit in your daily hour of exercise. Everyone chooses an activity and youve picked jazzercise. Camille goes to yoga. After that, its just about dinner would be the high point of the day, but in fact youre just as excited by

time. Youre not even hungry, are you. You thought your time at the temple

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some of the things youve seen and heard working with Camille. More so, evento your surprise. Why is that? Because youve spent your whole itwhile here at Albemarle theyre aspiring to a higher law, one thats felt within. People control themselves, Camille had said, because they career supporting and trying to purify the laweven writing a book about

recognize, or are encouraged to recognize, a commonality among them.

Isnt this exactly what Summer had talked about? She said it was all well important to explore and amplify our spiritual interconnection first. Only when that was understood, she thought, could we develop a legal system to see what she meant. At Albemarle, its not about the lawthe rules

and good to hallow the law and try to improve it, but she considered it more

more nearly reflecting its realities. Now, for the first time, youre beginning people followand making them fairer or more rational; its about getting people to see their stake in the greater enterprise theyre embarked on so that they might temper their selfish wants in order to get not only what they themselves need but to also further the interests of everyone else! So unyou even think of eating? American and yet so Jeffersonian! Freedom with responsibility! How can

pool next to Donna. Youd called her and asked her to meet you here, maybe just to get a second opinion. Its dark, though a string of tiny fairy lights on the changing hut and the occasional glow of the moon through the heavy cloud cover give Donnas dark silhouette some shape. Steam is rising all around. You search for an opener. She gives a little laugh. I thought Ben did well today at the elementary school. Apparently not well enough. He said he caught a lot of flak from Camille. I think thats just part of the training. I hope so. He admires her so much. for the work, so Im sure hell be fine.

Its eight oclock and youre on the mountainside, sitting in a hot

Im betting the feelings mutual. Anyway, he seems to have real enthusiasm

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Since his father ran off to Italy or whereverhe was an artist supposedly looking for truthBenjamin didnt really have any role models til we came here. Now hes in heaven, it seems, and hes just basking in it. How about you, Donna? Are you in heaven?

Thanks for saying that, Jennifer. You know, he looks up to you, too.

in something. I do seem to be lucky.

Me? I dont know. I work hard, I play hard, I have a beautiful son, I believe

Your leg accidently touches Donnas and she doesnt pull away. Its a much easier question to ask than to answer!

And you, Jennifer? she continues. Are you here looking for heaven? I havent a clue what heavens about. I came herewell, to tell you the

truth, I came here because of the temple. I thought it might help me to get a be so direct.

hold of my desires, channel them in a better direction. Sorry, I dont mean to Thats okay. We try to speak plainly hereas much as is humanly possible.

We prefer people to speak directly, though not tactlessly of course. So I take it Mother Nature was getting the better of you out there?

fell in love with a man who was a party to murder, I betrayed my aunts trust by bedding her partnerall very exciting for my hungry little body, asleep learn a different approach, Im afraid I might wander around that crazy carnival forever. for so many years, but clearly something wasnt right in my mind. If I dont

Thats a good way of putting it. I slept with a man I really didnt like, I

lawyer from Chicago, respected author. But the more I get to know you, Im finding you quite sensitive. I like that.

When you first came here, you seemed so strong and self-assured. Big

into your eyes, I felt your strength, your sense of purpose; but more and more I also see your sweetness. Likewise, she says, and you feel her hand softly on your leg.

Really? Well, listen to thisthe first time I shook your hand and looked

youve brought here with you. Beyond the gate its all about sex, right? A

Sapphic tte--tte? No, that ideas no doubt one of the corruptions

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man pats a female colleague, a teacher hugs a student, a man touches his

neighbors armwe fear an indecent come-on! No wonder theres so little touching going on anymore! Maybe thats one of the reasons sex is so big out thereits about the only touching some people get! No, better take said. No doubt its only your acquired prejudices that make you feel her Donnas gesture at face value: shes just physically reinforcing what she move might be calculated. Because nowadays everyones got motives?

Youre fairly sure Donna isnt working some agenda here, and yet you still that Bob Cragg at the Visitors Center talked about. How can you unlearn

feel uncomfortable, dont you. This must be yet another part of the baggage what took a lifetime to learn? Why not put your hand on her leg? If you can do that, you can prove to yourself that youre not afraid of her next move because you know there wont be one. Go ahead, do it.

her more intimately? Of course not. So relax, would you?

You put your hand on Donnas leg. Do you have any desire to touch Anyway, you say, I came for the temple, or the structure the temple

could provide, but Im finding so much more here thats surprising me. For on trying to get people to see the value in them. Or the uniformsI didnt force it on me but instead Camille explained their purpose. It took several times, I might add. When I started to get the picture, I almost wanted to wear one. Which I do now. Its so strange! the same, splashing your own.

example, the rules. There are rules but the focus isnt on enforcing them but like the idea of wearing one until they told me I didnt have to. They didnt

Donna takes her hand away to splash some water on her face and you do Its a different ball game completely, she says; this idea of not thinking And yet youre with Security, right? Youre the closest thing to police that Well, for one thing, ninety-nine percent of our effort is directed at keeping

what you cant do but instead what youre willing to do. Albemarles got. How does that work?

Albemarle safe from without! Perimeter security, vetting newcomers,

attending to visitors, stuff like that. Were really not concerned about people

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following the rules here unless theres some egregious breachviolence or whatever. We leave the day-to-day management of the place to the ombudsmen. Theyyoutry to ward off trouble, or handle it if it starts.

Ive seen since Ive been here is some trash-talking on the basketball court. means. But the nice thing about Albemarle is, everythings set up to bring out the good. Im sure youre sick of hearing that. But looking at it that

Not all that much is happening in that department. The absolute worst Theres more, as Im sure youll see. Were not without fault, by any

way, we dont have to decide at every minute whats right and whats wrong but just try to go along with the momentum of the place. That makes it a lot easier. And it takes a lot of pressure off everyonewe can spend more

energy just enjoying what were doing. And theres no hand-wringing about money, about clothes, job status, misrepresenting ourselves to get someone into the sack. With all that out of the way, we have more time to explore what really means something to us. Do people ever leave Albemarle? Why would they want to?

what they came here to learn, theyre more confident to go back outside, armed with new skills, new attitudes. Others just like the life here and stay. We probably lose seven or eight percent a year. And yet Ive been told the place is growing.

It was set up as much a laboratory as a settlement. If people can learn

and maybe other places like that, to spread the word about what were doing and how its hopefully a more satisfying fulfillment of the American Dream.

It is, all the time. Theres even talk of creating an Albemarle-by-the-sea

Well, the way we see it anyway. And itll give our people more opportunities for work and travelafter all, were Americans and were a restless bunch! Impulsively you turn to her. Thank you, Donna. For what? She laughs.

For being who you are and not somebody hiding behind it. Ive never been told that before. I suppose I should take it as a

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compliment.

Im beginning to realize that maybe thats the best compliment there is.

lining the pool.

Feeling a little awkward, you resume leaning back against the smooth rocks Oh look, Donna. Its snowing!

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Another Swain, and the Advocate! My oh my, how the days go by, and nobodys watching you count

Chapter 28

them but you are, arent you. Youve done some supervised interventions,

youve met the Advocatewhose IT money started the placeand youve been back to the temple for your secondwhat would you call itlesson? Experience? Attempt at deep communing? Dont laughyoure trying, arent you? Now you figure to unhitch yourself from Camilles star and

stand on your own. After all, youre a woman of the world, the esteemed she take it? Ask her.

attorney, the published author. Its time to be independent again. How will Camille, Ive been thinking. Why dont you cut me loose? Ive been

filtering so much of this experience through you, just to make some sense of it, but Id like to go on my own now. Do you feel youre ready? Yes.

So do I. Youre walking your own path already, as far as I can see. You dont think Im jumping the gun? Do you? No.

Im all about forgetting the rules and getting down to motivating people to take responsibility for their actions but your reverence for the lawor here what we might call the set-up of the placereminded me that not everybody can be good all the time and people do need respect for the way of doing things More grounded.

Well, neither do I. Its been a real education, Jen, watching you work.

that makes Albemarle possible. I feel Im getting a more balance view now. Tell me youre kidding. Ive always been preoccupied with the law

but watching you work has shown me how important it is for people to

understand and try to take on the principles behind it. Before, I thought it was enough that the law earn peoples respect by being fair, but its clear

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to me now that thats just half the story. It isnt enough that the law provide up to those principles. I cant wait to put it into my new book!

justicepeople have to learn whats in it for them if they obey that law, live Youre incredible, Jennifer. I mean that. And you have no idea how

much you can offer AlbemarleI can only hope it can offer half as much in return.

with Gregone isnt scheduled with the same swain too often, for obvious reasonsand this visit turned out to be a train wreck in three-quarter time. After a week of thinking about your delectable fellowship with Kevin, it

The temples been on your mind a lot. The second visit had been

all seemed to make so much senseand the sometimes impetuous Jennifer Knox starts thinking shes a master. Not what I want but what he wants was your mantra as Greg opened the door to the inner sanctum and you made your grand entrance. Soon it was you having him spread-eagled on conjure. When you finally pulled him onto you he was the little steam own sweet dessert but what did it matter?! You gave him the ride of a

the bed, intent on driving him wild with everything your imagination could engine that could and soontoo soonhe did. Yes, you didnt have your lifetime, or so you thought, just as you would do when you became a temple maiden yourself; giving, giving, never taking, in control of yourself once talk, the cat-like contentment on your part. What went wrong? Greg, youre so quiet. Whats the matter? You tell me. Wasnt it good? For you, yes. Why? would do. more. But in the aftermath, something was missingthe intimacy, the free

Is that what you wanted? For it to be good?

I wanted to give you everything you possibly wanted. Like a maiden Greg, whom you seemed to have a special interest in because he was the

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artist Camille had brought here, looks down at you from his perch on your fleshly divan. How did you know what I wanted? I dont know. I guessed. daughter. He smiles at you while shaking his head, like a father to a wayward Wasnt it? you ask. No. But your sounds, your breath. You seemed so so excited. Where were you?

It was all so fantastically physical, Jennifer, but where was the feeling? I was right there, giving to you. Whats the difference?

Thats a mistake. You dont presume to give to meyou share with me. Youll have to figure that out for yourself. And you missed the boat on Thanks for your honesty, you say, the slightest bit perturbed that it wasnt Look, do you want me to help you or not? Seeing as you want to become a How did you know that? Why?

another point, too. complimentary. maiden.

Weve been talking about you. Me, Kevin and the Rabbi. Why? Because people who come to the temple are communicants; theyre

like our parishioners. We try to understand them in order to further them along their path. Your cheeks suddenly feel hot. So how did I miss the boat?

responsive, but they dont really want them to take over like that. Is that what I did? Didnt you?

How can I put it? Most menas I understand themwant a woman to be

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what I could give you. Why?

Well, yes, but for once I didnt want to think about what I needed but And that was your mistake. Because half the fun for the man, if I can put it that way, is exciting the

woman, making her feel good. And if he can take her all the wayby god, what a man he must be! Thats what you denied me in your enthusiasm to give me what I wanted. The sharing, where I give you pleasure and you

give me confirmation as a man, was absent. Lacking that, I focused on the

physical partmy pleasurebecause thats what you wanted to offer. That a prostitute; in fact, shes quite the opposite of a prostitute. Their damn honesty hurts, even when you need it!

led to a quick denouement and thats about all. See, Jennifer, a maiden is not

giving at all. But what about a man who wants a woman to be aggressive? Dont some men enjoy that? How? Yes, they do. Your job is to find that out.

Oh god. I was all over you like a hyena in heat and maybe I wasnt

Use your intuition. Find out what they need before you commit yourself. Why didnt you?

But if you had intuited me, you could have stopped me from screwing up. Because I knew you wanted to learn. Experienceeven a bad oneis the Its complicated.

best teacher, dont you think?

and make something more human out of it. Something with an added people are still dogs.

Of course it is. Were trying to take two dogs screwing in the backyard

dimensionspiritual, if you will. One doesnt master that overnight. Most Have you mastered it, Greg?

much anymore.

Lets just say Im climbing a mountain. Maybe I dont lose my footing as And hows the view from up there?

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breathtaking.

Im not all that high, but even from where I stand it seems to me You rub his back a little, to get a better feel for him.

Will you help me, Greg? Of course.

Can we try again, then? Maybe you can help me take a step or two up.

Where do we start?

come to rest on your still unquenched node of earthly pleasure. Yet another paradox!

Here, he says, and you feel his fingers slide between your legs and

how many hundred millions in software, invested it in a bull market, then And now he was dying, cancer starting to eat away at the side of his face from the inside. They say hes got no more than six months to live.

The meeting with the Advocate had also been instructive. Hed made

sank all of the proceeds into Albemarle. Talk about commitment to an idea.

it was the first one youd been invited to. Ben wasnt there but Camille was, attended to by his physician, who everyone called Doc, but he was chased out by his patient soon after the meeting started. The room smelled like alcohol.

The purpose of your visit was the weekly ombudsman meeting, though

and four others as well. The Advocate, middle-aged and looking unwell, was

So, Camille, the Advocate had begun, hows your apprentice doing? Camille turns to you as if its your call. Piece of cake, you say.

Ive read your book, Knox, so I have the feeling you know what youre

Thats what I likeconfidence and someone whos not afraid to show it.

talking about. Were all just apprentices here, actually. We believe in our

forefathers promise and were trying to explore what it really means for us, as evolving human beings. Freedom with responsibility. Know what that means?

Ive heard it more times than I can count around here. Something like, do

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what you want, without hurting other people.

Youre halfway there, on both sides of the equation.

in discomfort, if not actual pain. Then he continues.

Here he pauses to cough and breathe deeply, and you realize that hes But just halfway. See, what we think Jefferson meant by the pursuit

of happiness wasnt in just doing what you want, but in what fulfills you. what he wanted because of his commitment to building a nation, but that

Theyre often different. Look at his own lifehe rarely got a chance to do tough and sometimes frustrating work fulfilled him. Serving ones cherished ideals can be very fulfilling, and is of a much higher order than doing what you want, though we leave it to each individual here to balance that out. Were well aware that we cant make people happy, unlike where weve all come fromwhere one is promised the world if only one would buy and consume ad infinitum. I presume you know what Im talking about.

the door, comes in to attend to him. The Advocate refuses an injection and chases the nervous physician out.

Here again he pauses to cough and the Doc, apparently waiting outside

was I? Oh yes, and now the second part of your equation: dont hurt other people. Not hurting them isnt enough, Jennifer. Can I call you Jennifer? I believe we have to find a way to fulfill ourselves thats not merely neutral, but which encourages others as well. Then theyll better support our

One shot and hell have me babbling. No, Ill wait til bedtime. Where

efforts because it benefits them, too. This draws us all into a web of mutual benevolence, charity that doesnt leave us out of pocket but in fact fills the our feet still drag in the mud. But at least it gives us a direction: upward! soul. I dont mean to sound quixotic herebut we aim for the stars, even as He holds his hand to his cheek, which is discolored from the cancer

within, and the room becomes silent. It was plain to see that he was drained, and Camille took over and led a discussion mainly on what to do about the sport shoe factory. The Advocate added an insight now and then but seemed confident to let Camille carry the load. In less than thirty minutes, probably in deference to him, she ended the meeting, with the idea that everyone

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should give it further thought and bring suggestions to the next meeting. As youre leaving, the Advocate catches you by the arm. Dont let me down, Knox, he says, his eyes burning with purpose and

hope, and whatever you do, dont let yourself down. As you go, so go we all!

the next several days.

Unraveling the meaning of that statement would occupy your mind for

treetop to grass blade, all save the square and the myriad footpaths whose

Snow draped Albemarle in a diamond-sparkled ermine frock, from

subterranean warmth melted every flake with ardent and carefree efficiency. Weeks pass and you spend your long, dark nights writing. With no lack of ideas, either! You were coming into your own now, werent you, needing neither Camille nor swain to guide you, though you still communed with

both. And youd finally met the notorious Lonnie, the wild-eyed crazy who was said to have the power of healing in his hands and who often worked travails were great. What he said to you after staring at you with those at the temple with the maidens and swain to reinvigorate them when their manic, penetrating eyes: Albemarle will be yours if you want, but only til as if looking for something unseen.

the match is struck. When you asked him what he meant, he wandered off And your book. Nearly page one hundred!

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Stray Thoughts Echo Like Cats Winter is good here, isnt it. No brown slush, no diesel aftertaste

Chapter 29

from teeming snow plows and sand trucks, no cars stuck beside the road, batteries long expired. Theres only intense, unsullied white, sprinkled with charming and provocative buildings and cross-crossed by congenial sidewalks. Almost daily you see deer tracks in the snow, and sometimes with your thoughts. lynx. Off the beaten path, of course, where you often trudged to be alone Your thoughtsnow there was a convoluted subject. Shall we classify

them? Go ahead, Jen. Why not begin with the temple, which is the reason you came here, right? Youre starting to get a handle on it, arent you.

Youve been with five different men: Kevin twice, Greg twice, an old guy named George twice, and two others less memorable, once each. George wrinkly, hed made you feel as much a woman as anyone had, and was a worthy father confessor as well! You quickly found that there wasnt had the stamina of a twenty-year-old, but the soul of an ancient. Gray and

anything you couldnt say to him, and in his blunt replies you learned much about the male animal. You also enjoyed the childlike delight he took in every turn. And they were real! exploring your body, and rewarded him with a heartful of ecstatic sounds at All the swain were competent, in their way, but the threeKevin,

Greg and Georgestood out. Someday you should write a book about THEM and what you learned from them. So have you mastered the temple? Are you no longer a novice but instead one who understands the power of her drive for completion and how to transform it at the point of its greatest ferocity

to a vehicle for giving, sharing, confirming? Can you use it to fully engage answer isno! Thats what youre thinking, isnt it. Youre still a novice,

your partner, bringing him more in touch with his sanctity? And yours? The but so are the swain, by their own admission. Even the Advocate had said it.

Were all apprentices here. But the best thing was, youre all experiencing

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the effort together, right? No ones competing with you, no ones holding seems to want to help everyone else along the way. It was like a dream,

you back. Theres no jealousyat least not that youve seenand everyone really, your countrys great Arcadian myth come true, but maybe it was so certainly lacked thateveryone chased his own private rainbow, often

because everybody puts their minds and hearts together. The outside world at cross-purposes with everyone else. Why? Is that how they interpreted but why was there so little common inspiration?

freedomeveryone out for themselves? People neednt think alike, surely, The second among your wayward thoughts today: Albemarle itself. An

oasis in the desert, someone said the other day. But in the beginning, the whole idea of it was troubling, wasnt it. The way everyone, including yourself, long hours of work, though sometimes seeming like just so much leisure time; the entirely plausible idea that all men are created equal, though acquiesced so easily to the ethos. Wearing the uniforms, for example; the

youd spent most of your life seeing people act as if the opposite were true. This peculiar power of Albemarle to move you to adopt a whole new way of thinking seemed almost tyrannical at times, even though you had done so willingly. Its power to compel, almost mesmerize, seemed potentially dangerouseven if its reason for existence was your own fulfillment. that seemed to make perfect sense at the time. Camille, are you people socialists? What? Why do you ask?

Early on, youd asked Camille a strange question, stupid even, but one

She seemed surprised and not a little amused. Because Albemarle seems to be all about sharing and equality and refusing So am I a socialist? Maybe even a communist? Yes. How nave you must have seemed!

to bow to social class. And labor is imbued with such dignity here!

of myself, without questioning other peoples motivesat least here. Maybe

To answer your question, Im neither; Im a womanI believe in giving

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I can help purify those motives. All I ask in return is that they honor me

as a woman, place me in the position that women deserve. I told you that, the means of production. Stalin killed communism a long time ago and

Jen. Women are truly goddesses, not proletarian workers entitled to control socialism went down with it. At Albemarle, we dont give our hearts to the party. Were Americanswe want to fulfill ourselves. Self-actualization, happiness, the pursuit of which he believes was an unalienable right. Remember? I guess thats the foundation of capitalism, then. as Maslow put it. We demand nothing less than to realize Jeffersons dream:

supposedly BUY happiness. Communism is the so-called liberation of the workers, who can then control their own work and be happy. Both are totalitarian systems. Albemarle is a different creature altogether. What kind of creature?

No, Jennifer. Capitalism is the pursuit of money, which will then

starting fresh and trying to work out every day just what its promise means. on the outside.

To us, its like the American Revolution was fought yesterday. Were Then you must think youre actually more American than the Americans Definitely. But maybe thats our conceit.

isnt an ism at all? That its just people recognizing their unalienable right to happiness, seeing what they might gain here, and wanting to invest in that? What do you think? I dont know yet.

And so youre saying that the power of Albemarle to command loyalty

it. Watch other people, especially people whove been here awhile. See if you think theyre leftist zombies or just people looking for much the same thing you are.

Thats okay. Just take each day as it unfolds and see what you make of .

zombie. If anything, youve become more sentient, more perceptive, havent

Now, much later, you havent seen any zombies. You yourself arent a

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you. Try to deny it, Jen.

involveshere we go againyour desiresmore particularly, lovers past. path with little (or full) understanding of how Summer might take it, her principled words to the contrary. So how do you feel about Dwayne?

Your third cluster of thoughts in this ad hoc mental classification

Youve thought a lot about Dwayne, who led you, it seems, down the garden

Yes, maybe he latched onto you because he was still bent from prison and hurting, but He got him his is the phrase that keeps going through your after saying that she still didnt want to talk, he had the nerve to ask if he mind. And when you tried again to contact Summer, he answered the phone; could come out to spend some time with you. Pick it up again, as he put It was you who invited him to spend a month with you in Chicago, and

it. Fat chance! But lets look at who was responsible for that whole episode. did you lift a finger when he crawled into your bed night after night? No, polecat here, its you.

you looked forward to it. Slut! So dont blame him, honey. If anyones the And then theres Grant. The great Grant Morgan, man with the

world in the palm of his hand, you once included. Is that over? Hardly. And yet youve stopped calling him, though in your pre-temple days he was the chief fantasy in your frequent nighttime pleasure jaunts. Now it seems Whatve you been up to? Yet its no shame to admit that he creeps into

youre pushing him out of the picture. Is it to avoid the inevitable question, your thoughts (like Dwayne into your bed) now and then. When he gets out that your feelings are still as strong as ever for him. And your curiosity

of prison, will you see him? Probably not. Well, maybe. Theres no question must surely get the better of you, to compare the old you with him to the

newwould he seem more like a Neanderthal to you or worse yet, a dog?

Such a thought! But youre free to think, arent you? Your mind has become astonishingly freer in the last few months, for sure. And with fewer regrets! That had to be good.

your mother and Sandra. You call every Sunday night and enter a time warp

Finally on your short-list of cogitations recently is your immediate family:

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to an age past that never advances, refuses to evolve. The same concerns

are beaten to death and you hear the same pleas, though politely disguised, even held there against your will. Or youve been brainwashed. As Sandra though you think it might be just the thing to get her out of her rut with

for your return to sanity. They think youve joined a cult, apparently, maybe said, you sound too happy. She balks at coming to spend some time here, Zack. Too bad shes too young for the temple. Wouldnt it be a load off your mind if she could be initiated into the joys and complexities of love with a caring swain instead of in the back seat of her ratty boyfriends car? With to make music. Thats her compromise with life. But shes just an unripe teen demoiselle and who could tell YOU anything at that age?

her ratty boyfriend? But no, shes content to service him on demand in order

Most of the morning will be spent at the sport shoe factory; then youve got an eleven a.m. meeting with Albemarles chief engineer; after that, lunch with Donna and Ben. Finally: looking, talking, troubleshooting, an intervention or two, a wintry trail ride up at the stables with a half-Sioux ol gal named at the baths afterwardyou havent been on a horse in years!

Well, enough of these misbegotten reflectionsyouve got work to do.

Verity Ann whos in charge of the horses, and no doubt a much-needed soak

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Camilles Grand Plot? Your work at the factory donethree solid hours of negotiating,

Chapter 30

stroking, cajolingyou dont have far to go to see old Barger, head of

engineering, as his office is just upstairs and hes here to meet you. A roughhewn teddy bear of a man with keen eyes and a stomach fat as a quail in He shakes your hand gruffly. butter, he recognizes you immediately because hes never seen you before. Jennifer Knox? Your reputation precedes you. And you must have earned Nice to finally meet you.

it, from what people say. Im Barger.

The pleasures mine. Come on up to the office. Had your coffee yet? Yes, but I might be persuaded to have another cup. usually get rolling til about three p.m. Follow me. stairway, pausing halfway to catch his breath. Good. I practically live on the stuff. Im a night person by nature and dont He leads you off the shop floor and up a long and tastefully decorated These people and their damn stairs, he says between gasps. They say

they add years to ones life, but as an engineer I say give me a good elevator any day.

buildings. The ones that run with counterweights.

I heard you had a hand in designing the eco-vators in the apartment They insisted on having elevators in those buildings. Apparently no one

ones going to climb eight or nine stories, but of course they dont mind walking down from there. Bunch of nuts!

minds walking up two or three flights but thats where they draw the line. No

by the tone of his voice you arent really sure its a complaint. from what I hear.

This was the first actual complaint youve heard about Albemarle, although And yet youre still here. And just about the hardest worker in the place, Do people say that? Well, all I can say is I got tired of designing oil

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refinery security systems and port anti-terrorist perimeters for BechtelI

started getting the feeling that all I was doing was building fences all over

the damn world, but here theres real work to be done. And they just turn me loose to do it. Who wouldnt dive into that? Cmon, I think my pulse is back below a hundred again. carpeted hallway.

You resume your climb and soon find yourself at the top facing a wide This way.

large mezzotint hanging on the wall.

You follow him along the well-lit corridor, stopping for a moment at a Is this the first steam train? you ask.

much is possible. Compare it to the bullet train in Japan, for example.

One of the early ones. Every time I look at it, I realize once again how Hes obviously thought about this before and doesnt feel the need to linger. Theres the control room, he says, pointing to an unmarked door up a

ways on the opposite side. He approaches and opens it, motioning for you to enter. The cave, as we call it.

machines with blinking lights, manned by technicians in black and tan uniforms like Barger. Looks like Houston ground control, you comment.

Its a fairly compact room, packed with rows of computers and assorted

people so they dont have to.

It does the trick. You might say we do all the worrying for three thousand Three thousand and one. And thank you.

with it.

He looks as if hes unused to acknowledgement, or is but is uncomfortable Lets go to my office. Im guessing theres something you want to talk to People nod at you pleasantly but fleetingly over their shoulders as you walk

me about.

through the room and into an office on the far side. Barger sits at a desk and motions for you to have a seat opposite him.

This is where the great man thinks, he says with stately self-parody. Who

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knows what wonders well come up with next?

is good at it, including your own because of what youve seen with your own eyes these past months. Everything seems to work, and nearly flawlessly! Probably something wonderful.

He doesnt fool you one bit. He takes his job seriously and by all accounts

the pleasure of this visit? Am I driving the troops too hard? Do the rankgroundskeeping?

I doubt it, though one always hopes. So tell me, Ms Knox, to what do I owe

and-file of Albemarle find me irascible? Have you come to transfer me to The absurdity of it makes you laugh.

met you yet, so mirror.

No, nothing like that. Im just learning the territory, thats all, and I hadnt He touches the spread fingertips of his hands together, like a spider on a You wouldnt be entertaining the notion of replacing Camille, would you? Not at all. In fact, Ive got other plans. The temple? Yes. How did you know?

people are quite open and talk freely. And I suspect Camille also has big plans for you. Me?

Albemarles a small town. Theres very little gossip here as such, but

with a tray of lattes.

Before you can ask him what he means, a boy no older than Ben comes in Keith heres one of our apprentices. Keith, Jennifer Knox. He smiles at you and makes a shy exit. No, thanks. Gonna make a fine engineer one day, that boy. Do you take sugar? We make the coffee strong around here. Hope you dont mind.

What did you mean by that?

Thats the way I like it. Mr Barger, you said that Camille had plans for me. Well, my mouth is usually getting me in trouble for one thing or another,

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so I might as well carry on the tradition. Youve been warned about Camille, havent you? Warned about what?

He takes the coffee mug in his two big ham fists and has a pensive drink. at the beginning and was finally stood down because of some notion about Babylonian goddess-worship. You know its common knowledge that she was in charge of the temple

Yes, I know that. Ishtar, goddess of fertility and love. She told me.

not without a scene, I might add, she being one of the original members of Albemarle and all. She said she wasnt too happy about it.

Thats when the Rabbi stepped in and Camille was made an ombudsman

take off that white uniform. Im not speaking too bluntly, am I?

Thats a nice way of putting it. I believe she was mortified when she had to Hardly. Ive heard a lot blunter since Ive been here, believe me, you say.

Bechtel; you know, so they didnt get stepped on with dirty feet. But here, one gets used to saying whats on ones mind.

Im not sure anymore. I always kept my thoughts and feelings to myself at

have been warned about Camille. Why would you say that? Albemarle. investors.

Thats something Im appreciating more and more. But you said I might Surely you must know that shes been collecting money for a new Thats how I met her. She was in Chicago meeting with some potential And did she describe this new Albemarle to you?

prominent position.

Not really. I assumed by what she said that the temple would have a more More prominent? I believe she intends to build a mammoth Temple of

Ishtar, with or without an Albemarle, and fill it full of goddesses surrounded by their supplicants! With her as the head goddess! I cant believe that.

Then let me be the one to fill you in. Camilles a clever woman, Ms Knox,

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and she usually ends up getting her way. Youll find that out when youve Albemarle when the Advocate dies, install you as the head of the temple, transformations complete, kick you to the curb and enthrone herself as Ishtar herself. You mark my words!

known her long enough. And if Im not mistaken, she plans to take over this send all of the dissenters packing, bring in her own acolytes, and when the

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Verity Anns Advice Lunch with Donna and Ben had been a blur. Donna was full of

Chapter 31

enthusiasm for your work as an ombudsmanpeople are talkingand Ben was raining questions on you about writingespecially how one comes up with enough ideas for a whole bookbut your foot was halfway out the door, wasnt it. You wanted to talk with Camille; no, drag her by the hair

to some quiet spot and pummel some answers out of her. If your esteemed

guide in this experiment in American freedom was a manipulative bitch just using you, your urges, your talents, youd rip every blond strand from that beautiful head of hers. If, on the other hand, old Barger nursed a grudge for some reason and was just trying to break up the team, youd pat her on the head and go after the engineer with mechanical precision. Youve still got the lawyer in you! You called off your afternoon mediation and were about to do

the same with your trail ride with Verity Annyoure on the phone with her nowwhen the old squaw seemed to sense something in your voice and asks you in the most persuasive way to come to the stables to see her immediately. It wasnt one of your priorities but no one seemed to know where Camille was so you agree. In twenty minutes, after a wild ride on a

contraption they call the bug train and a climb up a stony but heated path through the silent wintry woods, you find yourself facing a snowy meadow with a picturesque red barn and other outbuildings, corrals, and a cowboyout front. style lodge, smoke curling lazily from its chimney. Two horses are saddled As you approach the lodge, the door opens and a woman about fifty

in a pale yellow uniform steps out. Her dark blond hair is in pigtails. Verity Ann? That would be me.

Howd you know I was here?

Im half Sioux, honey; I havent lost the touch. Cmon in, youre probably

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cold.

a subdued fire burns in the fireplace. on the money.

You follow her inside. Its all rough wood and stone and picnic tables, and So youre the renowned Jennifer Knox. I read your book, kid. Youre right Does everyone here know about the book?

Im glad somebody thinks so. I got picked to pieces on the talk circuit. cow moves. Then the whole herd follows. I hope youre right.

Dont worry about it. Them thats bein led dont want to move til the lead

Im not sayin Im right. Im just sayin. Lets have a coffee before we go. Its not too cold to ride? Youre on half a ton of warm horseflesh. Heat rises. And I see you brought Cream.

your jacket, so no, its not too cold at all. How do you take your coffee?

wagon coffee black?

Little missy is so used to her cappuccino that she cant see drinking chuck Verity Ann pours out two cups from a sooty pot sitting near coals at the side

of the fireplace, then retrieves some milk from a small room along the back wall. You dont have a fridge? you ask.

saves heaps of kilowatts that way.

Who needs one in the winter? Most buildings here have a cold room Is that a Native American custom? No, I think it started in Sweden. She pours your milk and returns the container to the cold room. What is she, a flippin mind reader? Am I in a panic? Arent you?

Drink up, Jennifer. And then I want to hear all about this panic youre in.

Pause. She continues.

Ill tell you what. Lets get out on them horses and let the snow and cold

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air purify us a little and well speak from the heart, the both of us. Are you willin to do that? Okay.

thinkin that Im gonna hold anythin you say against you. Its what you coffee yet?

Its okay with me, too. And so are you, as far as that goes, so dont go

dont say that Ill be takin you to task for, so let it out. Finished with that You down the last sipbitter but damn fortifyingand she takes your cup. Thats some coffee, you say. We like it. You follow her outside. I used to.

Know how to ride? she asks. It wont matter too much. We dont gallop em in the winter anyway. I let Dont you need a coat?

em out a coupla times a week if they want to run. Lets mount up.

you know how weak you are. Thats powerful medicine.

Me? Not hardly. Doin without makes you strong at the same time as it lets You get on your horse with an awkward sway of your stirrup.

you. Cmon, well ride side by side. Them stirrups about right?

I see its been a while. Dont worry, ol Ginger therell take good care of Perfect, you reply, about seventy percent certain they were.

when you leave the sun of the meadow. summertime.

The trail enters the woods by the big corral, the cold suddenly palpable Ponderosa pine, she says. The sweetest-smellin thing there is in the The steady rhythm of your horses gently jouncing you through the

crystalline air has a tranquilizing effect. The contrast with your earlier mood brings into relief your rash thoughts and you feel ashamed. So whats goin on between you and Camille? Why do you ask that?

Because Ive heard you twove been like two peas in a pod ever since she

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got back. I cant see much else hered have such a powerful effect. That made sense. Well, I thought it was one thing, but somebody just told me its another. submarine, that gal, able to kinda sneak up on people. I say that out of love, too, because shes given just about all her grown-up life to the place mornin til night. Love of you, too, though from afar, kidI fell for that Most people think she walks on water, but I reckon shes more like a

book of yours. And who knows what you yourself might do to help us out up ol Camilles dress a bit, I aim to do it.

here. So if theres anythin I can do to set you straight, even if we have to lift How can I help Albemarle, Verity Ann?

a visitors day every week and everybody and their brothers been here

I have a feelin we may need your lawyerin. Even though weve got

lookin around, people are still suspicious. Wheres the cars? Wheres the

TVs? Whats with the goldarned uniforms? And what gets em most is the temple. To some people were Sodom and Gomorrah rolled into one. The state of Montana is getting mighty skittish about it, and theres even an FBI agent here, thinks hes workin undercover. People are lookin for ways to shut us down, sure as Im talkin.

from her nostrils. And yet youre not cold at all, are you. You feel the heat radiating from your docile mount as she clomps slowly upward along the trail. Cant they see what youre doing here? you ask.

Youre silent for a while. Your horse snorts. Look at the steam coming

like were holdin up a mirror to the people outside, only they dont especially like what were showin em. So they want to look instead at whos holdin find themselves in court. Thats somethin you might know about. You cant hide your surprise. Is that why Camille invited me here? the mirror, find fault with them. When that happens, good people sometimes

Ill tell you what were doin here, when you get right down to it. Its

I cant claim to know her mind, but I can only guess that her interest in the

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temple and your skill in the law kinda go hand in hand. Now let me ask you this: do you have any interest in the temple? Yes! That was my original reason for coming here. Frankly, my hormones

were interfering with my work. The way Camille talked, I thought the over it.

temple might be a place I could confront that a little better, get some control And whats this work youre talkin about, if you dont mind my askin.

the first place.

I want justice! For myself, for everyone else. Thats why I went into law in And can I ask how this is gonna happen? You think for a moment. I dont know anymore. After the book came out, I thought Id finally find

my supporters and we could work it out together. Only I got stomped on instead.

the sign of a world-changer. Of that I have no doubt. And like I told you, the cows dont want to move til the one leading gets a mind to. Youre a

Dont sweat that, Jennifer, like I said before. More often than not, thats

writer, so you probably want to see a big ol stampede; that way, it seems to justify all the blood and sweat you put into itYee haw! Look at em go!but it dont work that way. You really want the herd to move together. dreameris patience.

A stampedell only scatter em. The greatest thing a writer can haveor any Is that what I am? A dreamer?

would you come here? Were all dreamers; at least the ones who still have hope. And there is no justice, darlin. Not as long as we dwell in a land of livin creatures fightin for space. The only thing you can doand its a great all anybody can do. Arent we?

Dont you dream a little? Why else would you write that book? Why

thing, mind youis to try to make the struggle a little more bearable. Thats Were all prisoners of our natures, then. I know I am, for sure, but I was hoping Id find somewhere where people

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arent so much. Here, for example. She laughs heartily. Sorry about that. But if youre lookin for a community of the righteous,

youve come to the wrong place. Were all just regular folks here. We

came cuz the place seems to bring out our good side. Thats all it is. Well possible. Not for karma or credit at the pearly gates, but just to appreciate life a little more and maybe help each other out when we can. Know why we got Jeffersons statue in the square and not some other Revolutionary honcho? Why?

never be more than ordinary people, though we can try to be the best ones

happiness but there wasnt a more unselfish man, Jennifer. And he didnt piety. He wasnt bitter like Tom Paine or bloody hysterical like Patrick maybe the better man but hes out of our reachhe set an example we

Cuz he lived a good life. He showed what was possible. He chased

have none of Washingtons vanity, Hamiltons lechery, Adams highfalutin Henry. Thats why we look to Jefferson for whats possible. Christ was cant never achieve. But ol Tom, theres a man we might just touch. But

were getting way off the track here. You want to know about Camille and life.

whether shes leadin you by the pussy, so to speak, to fulfill HER purpose in To put it bluntly, yes. No.

Do you want me to sugar-coat it? All right, then.

to tread on it, though its only about four feet across.

The horses come to a frozen brook and it takes some coaxing to get them They been here a hunnerd times and still they balk. Sometimes a horse

wont try somethin til its sure theres no other way. People are that way, too. You should remember that.

squirts him across. You do the same. Once up the bank on the other side, the

She gets her horse to step awkwardly on the ice, then a kick of her heels

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trail levels off and they resume their normal gait. Verity continues.

temple. Even workin as an ombudsman, I suspect shes makin Albemarle finally able to make the temple come into its own, therell be good people

So let me say this about Camille. Whatever she does, she does for the

just the kind of place thatll attract the right kinda people so that when shes all around it. Shes not a low-rent kinda gal, satisfied to be adored by the hoi to the place, and if youre interested in the temple, thats a plus. And youre a lawyer. Somebody told me that she was going to try to take over when the I wouldnt doubt it. Not that she can pull it off, but I admire her spunk.

polloi. I reckon thats one of the reasons she brought you here. You add class

Advocate dies and put me in charge of the temple.

I really do. I think a lot of that Camille, Jennifer, like I said, and I truly hope she finds what shes lookin for.

But do you think shes been conning me all this time? Just using me? Bein used means youre not benefittin yourself. Arent you gettin

anythin from your stay here? more clearly.

Yes! I feel like for the first time Im starting to see the lawand myself Then whats your beef? That she deceived you? I dont think she did. She

met you, she liked you, you liked her, shes interested in the temple, you got interested in the temple, so there was just a natural connection. The fact that be a cool customer but there is love in her heart if you look deep enough. dust settled. Oh, sorry. I shouldnt name names.

this also suited her ends is most likely beside the point. I know her. She may But Barger said shed kick me out of the temple and take over when the Thats okay. I had a feelin it was ol Barge when you first started tellin

me. I think he might have it in for her a bit because hes pretty into his

work here and probably thinks anyone with the desire to shake things up

is his natural enemy. But I know him well. He and I have awe have an

understandin, and Im sure he means no harm. Hes in a world of his own over there in engineerin and hes not exactly what youd call an expert in

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human relations.

She seems to be speaking fondly of him, if her voice is any indication. So you think Im overreacting? Im thinkin you might have an image of our Camille that wont brook

any variations on what you think you see. Rather than point the finger at her, maybe think about widenin your own understandin. I feel a little ridiculous. And you pride yourself on your open-mindedness! We all do sometimes, darlin. The trick is to work your way out of it

and not have it leave a bad taste in your mouth, neither. Do you want my advice? For sure.

over there on Caravan Lane and just ask her. Ask her what she wants from you. Tell her what youd like to get from her. Show no fear. Thats my advice. Ginger was picking up the pace now, though you hadnt done a thing,

Get you and Camille over some wine and a plate of somethin good

which could only mean the trail was circling around back to the barn and she could get undressed, maybe get a good brushing and settle into an agreeable dinner and the congenial company of her own kind.

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Camille Loves Everybody Its three oclock and you dont feel like working. Brawny dark

Chapter 32

clouds have muscled out the sun and a cold wind has picked up, and as you Caravan Lane toward the square, youre shivering. Oh great, its snowing

climb out of the open bug train and make your way back along the path past again. How about a bath? Your thighs are feeling saddle-throb and theres a good chance you smell like horse. Almost no one goes to the baths during really matter. The hot water would warm you, and anyway it would be think. the day, but one is pretty much free to set ones own schedule so it doesnt relaxing. As far as one could relax under the circumstances, you probably Entering the womens side of the bathhouse, you go into the spacious

changing room, remove your clothes and place them in one of the baskets covering your groin with it as you go, as is the custom in Japanese public bathswhich this is apparently patterned after. The bath chamber itself is fairly large, with twenty or so wash stations along two walls and an the room. Its steamy and no one else is there.

on the shelves lining the wall. You take a small towel with you to the bath,

irregularly shaped stone-lined hot pool taking up maybe three-quarters of You go to one of the wash stationsa low wooden stool, a shower

head on a flexible pipe, and a small tray containing liquid soap, shampoo

and conditioner. Hanging your towel on a hook and sitting on the stool, you turn on the water, adjust the temperature and proceed with your wash. Hot water on chilled skin is luxurious, isnt it, and though it takes away neither People dont appreciate the value of water, maybe because its so plentiful and accessible. Turn on the tap, there it is.

pain nor doubt, it does give the feeling that perhaps things could get better.

your groin once again as you step over to the pool and climb in. It has a

After a good scrub and rinse you stand up, take your small towel to cover

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submerged stone shelf around its circumference and you sit, the water

level up to your neck. Its hot! You wet your towel and fold it into a square shape and place it on top of your head. Soon evaporation will cool it and it in turn will cool your head. The Japanese are very clever. One day youll have to go there, you think with conviction. If theres one country with sowerent so free, but they sure knew how to get along with each other, help each other out. Maybe that much alone was worth going there to see. And the food!

called organic solidarity, as Camille talked about, it was Japan. Maybe they

walks into the steamy room. Camille! And exquisitely naked, save for the small towel which she dangles carelessly in front of her. She walks to the pool and looks down at you. I think we ought to talk, she says. How did you know I was here?

As you warm to the topic and your body heats up as well, someone

with him today, I did my best to extract from him what you two talked about. Why would you do that? Frankly, he and I arent on the best of terms, so I wondered if he said

I ran into Barger, and because I knew you had a meeting scheduled

anything where some damage control might be in order. It turns out I was saw you.

right, so I started looking for you and telling people to let me know if they And you found me.

Yes. Let me rinse off and Ill join you.

finish your bath, return home in the fresh evening tunic they always put in Camille, how severely you would deal with her. Now she was here and

This was unexpected, wasnt it. And youd more or less planned to

the baskets, maybe have a cup of tea and mull over what you would say to youd have to improvise. As an attorney youd rarely done that but instead courtroom.

had prepared your cases with calm deliberation long before walking into the Camille sprays herself off briefly at one of the wash stations and comes

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back to the pool, her towel now nonchalantly hanging by her side. The bath, unlike the mountainside hot pools, is reasonably well-lit and you get a good look. Was she doing this on purpose to distract you? Was she not above

using her charms indiscriminately to get what she wanted? Being straight to the best of your knowledgeyou had no concern that she might sway thinks she might. you with that; no, your concern was more that youre beginning to think she She climbs into the pool and sits next to you, her hair still dry and pulled

back into a pony tail, only the tip dipping into the water.

been caught cheating, tell me whats on your mind. Tell me whats in your heart. Youre asking a lot, arent you? Maybe I am.

So, Jennifer, she says with a slightly hesitant tone, like a lover who has

last few months has been calculated to slot me into your plan. Tell me what you think my plan is.

Well, here it is then. Im not sure how much youve told me over these

building Albemarle, refining it, using it as a workshop to improve our ability to find fulfillment and at the same time get along better with others; were even supposedly holding it up as a beacon, to show the rest of the country

How would I know? Before, I just went by what you told mewere

what America could be like. But now I wonder how much you care about the same way.

Albemarle at all, except as a means to prop up the temple. And if you see me She looks at you with genuine love, or what appears to be genuine

love, a look youve never quite seen on her face before.

That Im just using you as part of some plan to reclaim the temple?

Is that what worries you? That I dont really have feelings for you? Arent you? you ask, realizing for the first time the cause of your

pain: that the bright and vivacious Camille, who brought such light into your world when it seemed much like a dark room and whom youve adopted almost like a sister, didnt care about you! That hurt. And look, tears are

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starting to come. Whens the last time that happened?

your cheek. Look at herstriking and affectionate blue eyes, velvet skin, seraphic face. And how you must looksoggy eyes, brow dripping with and the eternal beast!

She sees your distress and moves closer to you, putting her hand to

sweat, wet hair stringing down, square white towel on your headbeauty I dont want your sympathy! you say, the tears streaming now. Its more than sympathy, Jen. So saying, she leans forward and kisses you, her lips plush and warm

on yours. It doesnt feel good, but it doesnt feel bad, either. It just feels. It was sensation, nothing more. You linger a moment, then pull away. What was that?

What do you want, Jennifer? Whatever you want, its yours. What is this, Satan tempting from the mountaintop? Why do you demean me all of a sudden? Because I dont know who you are! knew the power you held in your hands. She recoils, obviously hurt or at least doing a darned good imitation of it.

I told you who I am. Im a goddess, and so are you. Or you could be, if you This ridiculous statement causes you to take the offensive.

isn't it? Female power. Power through wielding the gift that all men crave. You want to be like a drug dealer, dont you, Camille, with your body, my body, being the drug! Thats not it at all!

You mean between my legs, dont you? Thats what this is all about,

me just now?

No, Im beginning to think thats exactly what it is. And why did you kiss Do I have to say it? Why dont you? I love you.

What the hells she talking about?

I dont think you do. I think you just want me to love you.

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everything.

How can you say that? From the first time we met, Ive given you If it was under pretense, youve given me nothing! I think youd better

look inside, Camille, and have a think about where this goddess stuff is going to lead you. Now its your turn to stand and let her get a good look at you, because you Youre not an almighty goddess, Camille. Youre a person, like me, like With that you climb out of the pool with a regal splash and head for

know its impressive! everybody else!

the changing room. She wont follow youshes got too much pride. Let her stew in the pool for a while; it might do her good. You take the large terrycloth towel from your basket, dry off, put on the

clean tunic and your jacket and clear out. What a bitch, that Camille.

the sixth floor overlooking the square, glass of scotch in your hand. A full sip it neat.

Four oclock in the afternoon and youre sitting in your apartment on

bottle, compliments of the receptionist downstairs. The good stuff, too. You What to make of today? Was it even worth thinking about now?

Not likely, if you still werent sure whose story made the truest picture you in the bath like that. You hadnt been kissed by a woman since your friend Cheryl in law school, and both of you had been drunk and just

Barger, Verity Ann or Camille herself? The nerve of that little minx, kissing

trying it on for size. It seemed to have fit neither of you, though it had been

enjoyable enough to keep doing for several moments before the both of you cracked up when your tongues finally met. If anything, Camilles stratagem backfired because shed never even hinted at anything like that before, making you think now that shed try anything to achieve her ends. But to play with your feelings after the respect you paid her? What if you were in love with her, as she probably hoped? Would she stoop so low as to use

that? Sure, people did it all the time, but Camille? Here at Albemarle? The

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whole things ridiculous. An absolute joke, though hopefully not on you. now, arent you, in need of drainage.

Drink up, Jen, let all the poison wash out of you. Youre a weeping abscess In the middle of this effusion of toxins comes a knock at your door.

Camille? If so, you dont want to see her. Who else could it be? Oh, what the hell. feet up.

Come in, you call, too inert and comfortable in your tunic, socks off, The door opens part way and a smiling head pops into the room. Its Is it okay? he asks, seeing your state of dress. Youre always welcome here, Sammy. He couldnt have asked for a better answer and steps inside, closing the Whats in the bag? you ask.

Sammy.

door behind him.

feeling.

Its your vibator. Its so good, Jennifer, and I feel bad you not getting the Sammy, didnt you say exactly the same thing to me about a month ago? He looks sheepish. Yes.

And what did I say?

You said for me to keep it. Keep it? stairs?

So what do you think Im going to say now? Smart kid. Now sit downyoure out of breath. Did you come up the He sits.

I came up the stairs.

Why dont you use the elevator? Gotta keep in shape. you drink scotch? Id say you were in better shape than anybody. Take off your jacket. Do

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This is Montana here. Were in Montana. Cant drink til twenty-one. How old are you now? Nineteen. Im nineteen.

Sam-the-mans growing up.

Wow, this boys quick to smile. hear it?

I like when you call me that. Its good. I also got another name. Wanna Tell me.

Rocket. They call me Rocket.

and there was an awful lot of dawdling going onwhen not at work, of courseSammy was using his muscular legs to power himself around Albemarle at full thrust. Talk about a sense of mission. Who gave you that name?

That was apt. While everyone else seemed to be moving at their leisure

to the top of Mt Sky. I won. I always win. So I told em, call me Rocket.

I did. Coupla years ago. Everybody said I was fast, and we had a race Hes grinning like a choirboy now. You pour yourself another two fingers Sammy, what do you think of Camille? Shes pretty.

of scotch. Third glass and counting. Youre feeling better. And inquisitive.

I mean, what do you think of her as a person? Is that unfair to ask that? How? Shes always nice to me. How what?

In what ways is she nice to you?

here and Camille helped me every day. She told me stories at night, made me sleep. She showed me how to cook omelets. It sounds like you really like her. Is this a side of Camille you hadnt imagined? Everybody does. She helps everybody. Does she help you?

She helps me anytime. After the accident, the Advocate brought me

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What a question! Because you know the answer, dont you. Yes. Yes, she helps me a lot. More than I really knew. of smile on his face. This goes over his head but he must be used to it, as he still has a trace Do you love her? you ask.

everybody. Do you love everybody? Do you love me? I just might love you most of all.

Sure I do. Camille says were all family here and we should love Impulsively you lean over and put your hand on his.

Sam-the-mans got things to do.

He beams like lit phosphorus but it burns out quickly because as usual, Gotta go, see ya, he says, taking his brazen but benevolent toy with him.

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The Rabbis Decision Sitting up in bed, lamp over your shoulder, youre trying to read.

Chapter 33

What time is it? Ten oclock. You should turn in soonthings start early around here. No wonder Barger says he lives on coffee. Youre reading Fawn Brodies biography of Jefferson. You want to know more about the

young mulatto slave, Sally Hemings, and whether or not she was Jeffersons youre not quite through the book. He was in his prime when his wife died, him to live the rest of his life without human touch? Camille had said that Sally was more than just a lover; she was his companion, his attendant, and in his last years, his nurse. To become committed like this is serious

de facto temple maiden. So far the evidence points to the affirmative, though and she having asked him to promise never to marry again, could one expect

business. Is this what youre proposing to do at Albemarle, Jennifer? Youre nothing less than renunciationlike a Carmelite nun, to whom the needs

beginning to see what a radical step that might be, as in your case it involves of the Church were placed above ones own desires. Were you capable of

making such a transformation? It would be like law school all over again, maybe even your very sense as a woman. Do you really want to grab that particular tiger by the tail? And yet you cant go on like before, can you, sounded. Your pride wouldnt let you, nor would your sense of dignity.

only the training wouldnt be intellectual but involve your deepest emotions,

the great Jennifer Knox yielding to the bestial call every time the trumpet Youre no brood mare, even if the rewards are so damn sweet! If youre accursed need for completion!

ever to hold your head up high, youve got to stop being the puppet of your Then its settled? Youll undertake the training? Youve already

started, girl, once a week with the swain. Has it been so difficult? Not

reallywhich means your heart is probably already in the right place and

you just need practice. And what divine practice! Okay, youll go to see the

Rabbi in the morning. With any luck, hell think you have a halfway decent

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shot at succeeding and let you in. Hmm. Would he want to have a little test drive first to see how you were? Stop that! Thats the old way of thinking. Clean up your act! Youre in Albemarle now!

the trees all around are heavily clothed in white. What a blizzard last night! outdoorsnever really a Nature-lover, Albemarle seems to have opened

The square is wet and uncommonly puddled from melted snow and

Just a few flakes are falling now and youd even ventured to have breakfast your eyes to it. In any case, the industrious teens who work in the dining

room had been up since before dawn removing the tarps from the outside tables and chairs so your wish was possible. As you make your way now toward the temple, steam is rising from the warm pavement, giving the square and the surrounding buildings an otherworldly air.

you approach, a female figure dressed in white. Its Miriam. I know. Ive been waiting for you.

Someone is standing by one of the massive open doors of the temple as Ive got an appointment with the Rabbi, you say as you walk up the steps. You go inside with her and she takes you along a side aisle to a curtained The Rabbill be free in a moment, she says. Will you sit with me while You go inside and settle next to her on a modest sofa.

doorway of one of a number of small waiting rooms. you wait?

two years.

Miriam, you said when I first met you that youd been a temple maiden for Yes.

What brought you here?

It wasnt the first one, and I was starting to hate men. Its not hard sometimes, is it.

What called me to service? Well, I came to Albemarle after a bad break-up.

began to see it differently. For one thing, the men here didnt seem so sexcrazed like the guys I knew; most of them actually looked at me as me.

No, not from a certain point of view. But after a couple months here, I

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They ARE different, arent they.

The reward for a guy who makes good. Someone strikes oil or has a hit

You know what I think we are out there, beyond the gate? We women?

movie, he gets women. A guy wins the lottery or writes a best-seller, he gets women. On a smaller scale, a high school guy scores a lot of touchdowns or drives his dads new convertible, he gets women. On an even smaller

scale but probably the most common, a decent-looking guy gets a decent job and for sure hell get a woman or two. The better the salary, the wider the choice. You laugh.

I can see youve had time to think about this. Maybe too much time. start reaching for too much candy or somebody elses candy, we can start to hate them.

I wish it was funny. Were just candy out there, Jennifer, and when guys

came here.

Im sorry to laugh, Miriam. You must have been very hurt when you first Werent you?

You pause to reflect.

for sureby men just being menbut I think I was hurting myself more. I that I think about it, I did reward a man for having a fast boat or creating a business empire or being strong but a sensitive poeteven a man bearing the death of a wife stoically! They were achievers, those men, and I gave

I guess I was, but maybe in a different way. Id been hurt by men,

didnt seem to know or care if I was candy or not, as you put it, though now

them their prize. That in itself wasnt so bad, because I have to say that I got what I wanted out of itat least momentarily. So much so that I probably anything, I think, got me down. Why? became Venus on the half shell, almost there for the taking. This more than

would be a more righteous worldand a burn of a different sort would

Well, there I was, burning with ambitionand a plan for what I thought

completely sidetrack me and on occasion actually derail me. Thats why I

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came here. Not men per se, but my lack of ability to govern how I reacted to them. And thats why you want to join the temple.

Yes. And you? Did it help you overcome your problem with men?

well as just players wanting to score, and it changes you. It made me see the weaknesses we all shareI like my pleasures, too, or I wouldnt enjoy the another the chance. work so muchand the promise of what we could become if wed give one Miriam has a tear in her eye and it works its way down her cheek. You I think youll be very good here.

I think it did. I was encouraged to look at men as spiritual beings as

brush it away with your finger and she smiles. Will it help me with my problem?

that more than any other is all about you, the more the act itself starts losing its power over you and you start really connecting with the other person. And enjoying it more, exactly for that reason. still candy?

Ive found that the less you think about yourself, especially in the act

And you dont still think youre giving some guy his reward? Youre not I dont feel that way anymore, since I get all wrapped up in the deeper

thing with the guy and start feeling him feel it, too. To me, theres nothing like it. They really respond to it?

the newcomers, but its part of our job to guide them, show them the greater rewardif they want it. Which is?

Not every guy, of course. Some still come for the candy, especially

Just what I said beforethat deeper connection; that closeness that makes the loneliness go away. You look at her fondly. In spite of her youth, she seemed almost wise. Youre quite a woman, Miriam.

You mean what could possibly be greater for a guy than getting some?

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She looks surprised.

so much Id like to learn from you. Pause.

Not nearly the woman you are. I hope you do join us, Jennifer. Theres

Well, she adds, the Rabbi must be free now. The Rabbis office is so stacked with books that you feel youre in

the presence of a learned professor. Youve been here before, of course, observing the nativesnow youre a petitioner with something to gain.

but that time you hadnt paid too much attention. You were just a tourist Still, four years in an honors program at the University of Illinois and three at Columbia Law hadnt hurt you one bit. You had no fear of going toe to toe with a scholar if thats what it was going to take. The Rabbi may be a kind man, but no one enters an exclusive community without presenting Thats just the way things are.

credentials and, if accepted, being required to undergo an exacting initiation. Nice to see you again, Jennifer, he says, standing and extending his You, too, Rabbi. Please sit down.

hand as Miriam bows out and disappears.

You sit and he takes his place once again behind his desk. Im sure you know why Im here, you begin. Yes. And vice versa. breakfast? I believe I do. You think the temple has something to offer you. Of that I have little doubt. Shall we talk a little, then? Have you had Yes, thanks.

be the most important one I have for you. Will you be frank in your answer? Yes, to the best of my ability. Yes, Ive found that out. Good. You know we value honesty here above all else.

Then lets get right to the point. Id like to ask you a question that may

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So let me ask you this: are you here at Albemarle slumming? The question is so unexpected that it takes you aback. Why would you He interrupts you.

Please, Jennifer; consider before you answer.

family and ran with a certain class of peoplewas that even true?that you condescended to come to Albemarle? To use it as your rustic playground? And the temple as if a lascivious little sandboxlike the sons and daughters of movie stars and politicians might hang out with voluptuaries or cocaine dealers for the forbidden thrill of it? Im not sure I understand the question.

What a question! Did he think that just because you came from a good

reason for asking it.

I dont doubt your sincerity, Ms Knox. But certainly you can see my Im sorry, but I cant.

says with a finality to his voice that you dont like at all, do you. Wait! Whats so important about THIS, of all questions?

Then I dont think were quite ready to continue our conversation, he

equal? Not in brains or talent, certainly, but in worth? His use of the word slumming seemed to imply that he believed in a class structure and you were straying beyond yours, or that you believed it! In other words, hes

Werent people here supposed to believe that everyone was fundamentally

questioning your motives, isnt he. He wants to know if you share, even to half lives and to take your pleasures while youre at it. But this isnt the

a degree, the ideals hereor if youve just dropped in to see how the other other halfthe Advocates worth billions, apparently, or at least he was til he sank his fortune into Albemarle, and youve met your share of exbankers and trust fund babies, among others, who call the place home. This was no low-rent district, by a long shot, so how could anyone be slumming here? Moreover, look at the architecture, the tile work, the sculptures, the craftsmanship with woodit rivals anything youve seen anywhere. And

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theyve got galleries here. A professional theater troupe. An orchestra! What the hell is this guy talking about? Look at him. He is a gentle soul; hes not burning a hole in you with

his eyes like the people youve opposed in courthis head is turned politely to the side and hes either perusing the titles of the books on the shelves or doesnt he. The least you can do is give him a thoughtful answer. So what do you have to say for yourself? Thats right, nothing! So how to proceed, then? Just talk, right?because you havent had time to prepare a proper Absolutely. Are your motives pure, then? Well, probably. Then tell him! What else can you do? hes staring into space. He fully intends to give you the benefit of the doubt,

defense. Its ad lib time again. So are you convinced you arent slumming?

or less programmed to do what I was doing out therewhat I did out there and I want something more. Some people think we ought to find happiness by fulfilling that hard-wired plan, which ends up looking like fighting for thats the evolutionary drive, right? It seems like everythings a variation

Rabbi, I came here because I got tired of feeling like Im a creature more

job, promotion, house, car, kids, sexstriving for only the best, of course on fighting and screwing, when you strip it down to its bare bones, and Im sick of it. Even dumb animals do it, though we like to dress it up in pretty more we could aspire to if we put our minds to it. I came to Albemarle clothes. To me its like a nooseI find it soul-destroying. Theres so much because from what I heard, the people here also thought there might be

more to life than that merry-go-round. Something deeper, something more satisfying. Having been here a while, I believe that to be true. And I see the temple as just another step for me, where I might wrestle with the

beast and come out on top, or at least manage a tie. Even that would be an improvement. Theres something wrong in my heart, Rabbi, and I want to start making it right. Call it what you want, but there it is.

now looks away again. Whats he thinking? Its like you feel after youve just finished your final summationthe closing argument; nothing more

The Rabbi, who was looking at you during your impromptu speech,

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to be saidand now you await the jurys decision. Does he understand Albemarle? Finally, you can be patient no more. be as blunt as anyone around here. Just try me.

your reasoning? Did he find it compelling? Was there a place for you at Well? Did I make the list or am I unfit for a place at the table? I can He remains silent a few moments longer. Youre guessing by his face

that hes not trying to make up his mind but already has and is just trying to its yes. What are you babbling about, Knox? He holds out his hand solemnly for a shake.

think of the best way to tell you. Which could only mean no, but youre sure The Rabbi stands up and walks around his desk to face you. Here it comes. Welcome to the temple, Jennifer. Your training starts tomorrowbe here

at eight. Miriam will help you get your change of clothes. I think white will become you.

The First Throw of the Dice What a time its been, eh Jen? Up before dawn each day, meditation,

Chapter 34

breakfast, cooking/cleaning/guiding duties, classes, lunch, optional two hours of silence, exercise, more classes, reading, recreation, dinner, evening seminar with the Rabbi, meditation, bath and bed. And what Like everyone else! But more importantly, as a consequence of this

have you learned? That youre a vain creature craving love and attention! youve learned the significance of confirmation. Every person yearns for

confirmation of his or her valueto be considered worth something, both

to oneself and to others. Its apparently part of human psychology. All this

is bolted onto a biological substructure compelling one to seek out others to

satisfy ones ever-present and irrepressible desires. Au fond, this is a human

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being. The training, then, seeks to take this troubled lump of clay and mold

it into something rather more autonomous and purposeful, less at the mercy is even possible), to help the supplicants who come to the temple (they call them votaries) along the same path. The pleasure of the actual act is never deniedits extolled!but

of the dual taskmasters of psyche and double helix. Simultaneously (if more

a maiden is encouraged to get additional and more profound pleasure in giving something preciousconfirmation! When a votary leaves ones

room, he should feel both physically satisfied and confirmed as a human some people havent experienced it and might not even recognize it, but to show theyre unworthy of it. The bedroom is the place where far too They focus, knowingly and selfishly, on the physical. Afterward, their

being. This isnt as easy as it sounds, as youve learned, not only because some ostensibly lack self-esteem to the degree that they go out of their way many people allow themselves to be, or to prove themselves to be, bad. lament becomes, I feel bad because I AM bad, and this can give them a on his early visits, it seems. So said the Rabbi! Others have exaggerated

perverse kind of satisfaction. This is the jaundiced thinking of many a votary self-esteem and try to dominate their partners, feed off them because they feminine feelings it engenders in them. Still others crave it like a narcotic seems far less appealing. Yet others want the closeness and sharing while

feel its their due. Yet others are afraid of sex for the unmanageable, almost in order to be constantly transported to that other world because this one detesting the act itself because to them it seems brutish. Are there more? The list goes on, as the saying goes, and these past weeks youve probably heard what possibilities lay within your hands for their healing! And yours! them all. What a twisted world some people inhabit in their inner livesand Youve spent your life fighting for justice and now you get to turn

your hand to the injustice of the mating process and bring some heart to it at the same time as you gain some ascendancy over yourself! Could you be isnt it. Because you really havent started the work yet. Your first votary in a better position? Could anyone be luckier? But all this is just speculation,

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comes tomorrow at three oclock. And what about the phone call? Wasnt that out of left field, and you

totally unprepared for it. Even now youre still thinking about it! hall of the temple. Yes.

Jennifer Knox? a bright young thing asks you as you sit in the great

Theres a call for you. Me? He hands you a cell phone, one of the few youve seen since youve been Hello?

at Albemarle, and steps back a discreet distance. Jennifer? Its John Clary.

You step into one of the waiting rooms along the side aisle. Governor! Its been a while. Yes, it has. How are you doing?

Im fine. Wonderful, in fact. And you? Good. Hows your wife?

The work is never done, as Im sure you know, but Im enjoying it. Shes well. Shes still talking about our dinner when you and Dwayne A good one, I hope. And Ruthie?

Washington visited. Apparently he made quite an impression on her.

Do you think that would be possible?

Shes as energetic as ever. Shes often talked about going out to visit you. Of course. Id love to see her. She can spend a week or two if she likes. I Ill pass that along to her. Jennifer, the reason Im calling involves Ruthie,

think shed love the place, actually. Im finding it fascinating.

in fact. Shes been spending a lot of her spare time digging up information about Grant Morgan. Shes well aware of your fondness for him and has the truth, I was against it but when she had me read the transcript of the

been trying to come up with grounds for a gubernatorial pardon. To tell you trial, the evidence seemed rather flimsy, being in the main circumstantial.

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Even the man who committed the actual crimes, Frank Carter, testified that although Morgan may have had knowledge after the fact, he had no part evidence that over the years Morgan has been contributing heavily to a in instigating or carrying them out. Moreover, Ruthie has also uncovered number of charitieswell over a million dollars in total. Frankly, all this has led me to reconsider my position. And Im asking you now, Jennifer, what youd think if I did indeed pardon Mr Morgan.

inarticulate matter, serving no purpose save to remind one of its nomadic past, the lonely beach where it was found, the uncommon shape it had which caused someone to pick it up. Jennifer?

The phone suddenly seemed like a piece of driftwood in your hand, inert

Yes, Im still here. Its just sudden, thats all. had a chance to think it over.

Of course. Would you like some time? You could call me when youve What would you think about? Right now the only image in your mind is

that of Grants hungry lips on your body. So much for your training! But what of the man? The betrayer who all but lied his way into your confidence, the took his gains without as much as a pang of guilt. So he gave to charity dictators do that, wife-beaters. Dotcom barons. No, Grant Morgan shared criminal who, while he hadnt pulled the trigger, surely influenced Frank and

culpability and had to be held accountable. Though you yearn for his touch, if hes to be freed only to permit you that pleasure once again, that sense of power, fulfillment, completionis that really right? If you succumb, can heart says no, Jennifer! you ever look in the mirror again? No! Your heart says no! Your trembling No, Governor. I dont think you should pardon him, though the decision

is yours, of course. The lack of compelling evidence you mentioned has

already afforded him a lesser sentence, and with good behavior hell be out still pays for the responsibility he does bear. I think thats fair. #

even sooner. Thisll be fair to him if he does lack full culpability, and yet he

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storm your beachhead and instead of repelling him with land mines and machine gun fire, as is customary with unwanted incursions, you would open your arms and draw him to your bosom. So strange! Yet all along youve been inexplicably cognizant of the logic of it, though uncomfortably so. You hedonistic, amoral, even criminal. But if theres to be a higher law, one

So today is D-Day and its almost three oclock. Someone is going to

were well aware of the ways people back home might think of it: decadent, based on the divine threads ostensibly connecting us, this act of love youve been instructed in must be regarded as good; more than that, a desideratum, mandate ought to be based. This much seems perfectly clear to you. a template upon which all couplings everywhere in the service of the genetic You know that marriage and all the folkways that have grown up

around it throughout the world have but one purpose: to control human

desire, to channel it, as it were, down avenues which wont lead to a freefor-all, destroying society in the process. Wasnt the temple providing yet another way but one more equitablebecause it removes the cruel selection should a baseball player or actor on a TV sitcom get all the girls while the chest take a back seat to her more well-endowed sisters? If America is to this fact that lies at the very heart of our existencethe sexual selection

process from the joining of people, providing intimacy for one and all? Why lonely junior accountant cries in his room? Why should a woman with a flat live up to its promise of freedom, of human fulfillment, how can it ignore process isnt fair. Maybe no one disputes that, and yet all ride along with it so damn nonchalantly, the circus made even more untenable by the culture aggrandizing sex and forever shoving it in peoples faces. If one wants to talk about a lack of morality, that was the place to start.

now that you have to justify what youre about to do? As you lie on the bed naked under your robe, you look at the little golden light over the door to the anteroom, which means your votary is sitting in there on the polished wooden bench in anticipation. Does he have butterflies, too? Or was this

Are you rationalizing, Jen? Are you so lacking in confidence right

just another day for him, where the taste of a woman was one of many and

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varied experiences hed have at Albemarle?

longer part of the equation, was the prize of lesser value? You being the prize! Or would the ease of the rendezvous reduce the tension enough to allow a fuller disclosure of his self and soul? Everything seemed so clear on paper but he here to adore you or have his way with you? You care about that, dont you. Of course you doyoure a woman.

And another thing to consider. When wooing and conquering were no

now that you were face to face with it, the dynamics were more opaque. Was

sensibility regarding the merging of two people? Was that so laughable,

Could he aspire to a more salutary level of communication, a broader

Jen? A pipedream of slap-happy feminists who wanted to make the world over in their own image? Or was this in reality part of a greater endeavor that men and women alike could hope to undertake with hopeful eyes and And it seems youre to be the teacher now and its your job to make your

hearts devoted? Youre coming to believe that that might be so, arent you. case. If he was a donkey accustomed only to following the carrot, he would be considered failure? Or only his failure? Fortunately, Donna had told you that Albemarle offered second chances. And third. Even an ass might come around. Does Miriam have such thoughts while waiting for her conjugal

probably demurthe spirit making a rather uncustomary carrot. Was that to

partners? Two years already, and she was in her early twenties! Even so, she must be a master of the situation by now, even though she was in some of the same seminars you werethough seeming a lot more knowledgeable about such things. And so confident for a young woman! The work must have taught her well, as you pray it does you.

maybe the beginning of your disappointment. Either way, have courage, Jen. Hello, Carl. Im Jennifer. He looks surprised. Youre beautiful. Thank you.

You get up and walk to the door. Youre opening it up to your future, or

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I think Ive seen you around, but I thirty or so with sandy hair and earnest eyes. Come in. Would you like to sit?

He stops in mid-sentence, wonder still on his face. Hes a plain-looking

swain. You had sat on the bed. Carl sits on one of the fluff chairs. You sit in the other one, close enough to touch. If necessary. I heard youre a writer, he says. I write, too.

You remember Kevins unspoken invitation the first time youd visited a

Im not really a writer. More like a person who ended up writing a book. Ive never actually written a book, though Id like to someday. What do you write about? Thats a popular genre. Horror, mostly. Vampire stuff. Maybe too popular. Everybody and their Uncle Mo is writing about it. I Is he spinning his wheels to buy a little time before he relaxes enough to What approach is that?

take a whole different approach, though.

make his move? Or does he really want to talk?

what they do is so sexy, especially in the movies. Im more interested in the undead aspectthe fact that theyre alive but theyre actually dead. That fascinates me. Why?

Most of the stuff today is about the glamour, or how the power to do

that. Theyre alive, but theyre really not. Thats the theme that runs through my storiessometimes you cant tell whos the undead and whos not. The infinite variety of peoples take on reality! You must be a writer for sure.

Why? Im not sure. Maybe because Ive seen people in the real world like

about ten or fifteen pages I get to the end of the story. There doesnt seem to be any more. Then a week or so later I start a new one. Silence. Carl appears rather ordinary, and a little unsure of himself. He

I wish. Im not sure I have enough imagination for it, though. After

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seems to lack passion, if first impressions have any truth to them. Without passion hell never be a good writeror a good anything, you think. First thrown in. Law of Nature: success comes from passion, occasionally with intelligence What do you do here at Albemarle, Carl?

worldWhat do you do? And when a woman asks that of a man, he either inflates like a nine-year-olds birthday balloon because he thinks hes successful or shrivels into something far less appealing because he isnt. Even at Albemarle, surely a man would rather tell a woman he was an That much you know about human nature. Im in communications. That must be interesting. pretty flexible, though.

Your first mistake! Thats the gaping inquisitorial question of the outside

engineer instead of a cook, in spite of much heavy lobbying to the contrary.

It is. Were the first ones up and the last ones to go to bed. Our days are Do you ever have to work nights?

at three in the morning.

Absolutely. We get calls from all over the world, and sometimes theyre He seems to have said his piece with some satisfaction, as if it were a

test hed had to pass. Is there no end to the baggage we bring here? Including you, Jennifer. No wonder everyone says Albemarle isnt a place but a process. Its not the end of the line, but the beginning. Were all apprentices.

question you never thought to ask in class, as you just assumed thered be engagement? Can I ask you something? he says. Sure. Can I ask why youre here? At the temple? Yes.

Silence. Is he waiting for you to take the initiative? Should you? This is a

The truth? Maybe Im trying to reach a little bit beyond myself. Find my

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better self, if there is such a thing. I think it might help to free me. That sounds noble. Its really not. I often wonder if I wont always be a prisoner of my own

body. I can feel free in umpteen ways but my jailer is always just around the corner, jangling his keys. He looks puzzled.

Being at the temple, am I right that youre talking about sex?

negative that might come out of it, figuring thats a fair trade-off. If theyre lucky, it wont come back to haunt them. In my case, it has. I never thought of it quite like that.

I guess most people just give in to it, enjoy it and then put up with anything

there was no way out. But now Im fairly confident there is. it was like. But how?

Neither did I, but its starting to dawn on me. Funny thing is, I thought Sometimes I think I wouldnt mind getting out myself, at least to see what I dont know if I can describe it.

Could you maybe show me what you mean? see in his eyes a man with longing. Yes.

His eyes are wide open but hes no naf. For the first time, youre starting to Maybe we can learn together, Carl. Would you be willing to try? You put your hand on his. Hes ready and looks more than willing.

children under a pile of autumn leaves. out of his chair fast enough.

Come, then. Lets lie down and see where it takes us. Lets be like two Youre certain any metaphor at all would have done, as he could hardly get

Precepts of the Training

Chapter 35

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to the power of desire and the delight in yielding to it, though in his dance with carnality he seems to jostle the human spirit aside to wait its turn. This was the general consensus of the maidens and swain in their

D.H. Lawrence is required reading at the temple. He serves as a guide

discussions. The Rabbi, however, praised Lawrence, saying he was a

prophet of liberation who stripped away religion, law, marriage and every other cultural artifact from the act of love and showed it more truly for what it wasthe life force unleashed. Lawrences take on itride it with added that while one might make such a step by understanding the sweep Lawrence didthere are many more steps. Albemarle was trying to take but another. Its particular step was to take the world as we know itits knowledge, its technology, its human relationsand resacralize it. The

pleasure and without shamewas a huge step forward. The Rabbi simply of history and its account of human limitations and free them up a bitas

temple was just one aspect of that, but the work also went on in the square,

on the shop floor, in the gym, the schools, the meadows by the stables. One going back to the past with its ignorance and superstition, but by turning to

strived to make life what it once was and ought to forever beholy. Not by the future and allowing it to unfold there. Were not Amish, hed said with a laugh; were creatures of tomorrow! Even as we jettison the machine if it doesnt work for us! There were other readings, of course. Youre right in the middle of

Nietzsches The Will to Power, an exasperating book because it seemed to

tear down everything that one might believe in. It did seem useful, though, common denominator. As even Miriam had said, why should we conduct

in showing how society creates and enforces a morality based on the lowest ourselves by whats base when we could use our imaginations and create a commented on her insight and she blushed.

world where dreams carry equal weight to our desires? Afterward, you had Also on the list were readings from the Bible, the Koran and the

Upanishads. Especially revealing was Matthew 5the Beatitudesblessed

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are the meek, they who hunger after righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakersin other words, all the unpopular kids from high school. From the Koran, what touched you was the insistent call to care for those less fortunate. How do you stack up in that department, Jen? Sitting on the board of Childrens Hospital and dropping a twenty in the Salvation long and hard for the underdog as an attorney, but at the end of your day it in the hay and to hell with the sick at heart, eh? And the Upanishads with

Army bucket at Christmas does not a caring person make. Sure, you fought was usually a cocktail or two, a well-prepared dinner and an occasional roll their admonition not to seek after riches but look to things of the spiritno easy task in the gilded world of today. Your world, Jennifer, or the one that was once yours. At last nights seminar the Rabbi emphasized again that the temple

wasnt that important to the majority of people at Albemarle. For most, it

was simply a stunning piece of architecture and a place for silent meditation and prayer. To the people on the outside, though, he said, the temple is Albemarle, for the simple reason that thats what theyre conditioned to believe. This is why we open up to so many visitors and why we run an

informative website. And this is the reason were thinking about building a whats really happening here. And thatll open up a whole new category of jobs for us, too. During the entire month, youd only left the temple grounds twice.

clear-channel radio station50,000 noisy wattsto spread the word about

Once to go up to the stables to have another cold but heartwarming ride with Verity Ann, and once to have Vietnamese pho for lunch in Caravan Lane with Miriamand afterward, spend an hour or so with Ben on the Spanish the custom, but you were treated with friendly deference by all. Your purewhite vestments no doubt added to the cachet. Youre even starting to feel a little holy, arent you. Dont let it go to your head, Jen. Use that influx of #

Steps talking about life and love. Both times no one else spoke to you, as is

positive attention to help move you along your turtle-like path, wont you?

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one another only in classes or while on work detail in the same general area but the Rabbi has arranged a special seminar for you with the five swain youd visited, now that you have a month of the work under your belt. Its starting right away. Say you arent nervous walking into this one! All are reduced. Moreover, the Rabbi adds a note of gravitas that is immediately subdued, howeverno off-the-cuff comments, and eye contact is politely settling. He sets the ground rules right from the start: all are to speak freely, criticism is to be kept constructive, and there is to be no spontaneous male humor, no matter how tempting.

Maidens and swain are typically segregatedusually coming across

member team and I expect everyone to conduct themselves accordingly.

One more thing, he says. The odds arent six to one here. Its a sevenGood. No ganging up! Thats got to be a relief. Its not that you werent

deeper nature needs to be engaged and youre not entirely sure what that means, are you. Youve developed a better grasp during your training,

confident about your progressits just that the standards here are high. Ones

but youd done your practice with Kevin and the rest BEFORE your training. Flying by the seat of your pants now, one can only guess how correct your course is. Maybe thats what today is about. The Rabbi asks for general comments as a way to begin.

What a woman, Kevin says, his voice full of admiration. I remember you saying that, you reply.

Are you supposed to respond? Or wait til everyone says their piece? How did it make you feel? the Rabbi asks.

woman. In fact, it was too much.

I had a similar experience with her, Greg says but it was almost too much I remember that, too. I was all over you.

Like a woman! you say, to a burst of restrained laughter.

visit maybe a month later, it was probably more like Kevins experience. Memorable. The Rabbi looks pensive.

Our second try was better, and then when you came for your second

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successful on your first visit to the templewith Kevinthan your next one with Greg? I remember both clearly, probably because I was scared to death both

I find that interesting. Why, Jennifer, do you think you were more

times. I think I was so nervous with Kevin that I forgot the selflessness and all that and just went ahead and got fucked. Sorrycan I say that? I just kind of let myself go with it and I guess I gave him a decent effort. But the

next time, with Greg, I tried to stay more conscious of what I was doing and more like a Holiday Inn hooker than a receptive woman. she got better.

how I ought to focus on giving him what he wantedso I probably came off She was the evil boss all right, Greg adds with a smile, but like I said, Did you talk to her about it?

that, most get more satisfaction by taking the woman there. They know theyre going to get their own reward anywaythats built inso theyre looking did with Kevin, thats Cloud Nine-and-a-half. The whole things more for a little something extra. If the woman responds like Jennifer apparently physical with men, for sure. If they can stimulate the woman into no-mansland, theyve done their job and can walk away happy. Its simple for a guy. The first time, Jen was trying to do that same thing to me and it just didnt work. Here the old man, George, breaks in.

Yeah, I said that although some guys might like to be manhandled like

wouldnt mind being pawed over now and then. Just for the thrill of it, the change of pace.

So hows she supposed to know what kind of man you are? Personally, I

feelintuitionbecause no guy, no matter how needy, is going to tell a

We talked about that, Greg replies. I told her how shes got to go by

woman to climb all over him. Male pride is just too strong to come out and maybe we all nurse a fantasy like that.

say it, I think, though some are not too proud to let it happen. Who knows Its darn complicated! you say.

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said, men are simple. They want to succeed at the hunt, lead the woman to bed, excite her, and come. Come and go, when you get right down to it. The Rabbi looks at you.

Its only complicated til you get used to it, Kevin replies. Like Greg

allfunction on the most basic level when it comes to this. Theres little

It may not be a very flattering picture, Jen, but there it is. Most mennot

imagination involved; only the slightest delight in foreplay and the shorter the better; and intimacy is most likely perceived in listening to the woman moan while he does his thing. Thats the long and the short of it for most.

Your job as a maiden is to work with that raw material, since denying it or lamenting it can humiliate the man in front of the very person to whom he wants to look good. He pauses a moment. To let you digest? Little chance of that, for

sure. Sure, youre quick on your feet but when it comes to understanding men, its going to take some time. He continues. As you well know, at Albemarle we dont deny our animality, because

it forms the foundation on which our broader humanity is built. We simply encourage those parts of our higher nature that draw us together, give us a denytheir baser nature, even if only for a short time. Were looking for that one spark that might light a fire in everyone. Remember, those who

more common purpose. You as a maiden can help men complementnever

come to the temple are wounded in some waythough one could make a that will lead them to a healing. You must show them that door, Jennifer.

case that all of us in this world areand they may be looking for the door You must encourage them to join with you to go through that door together. Most people at Albemarle are finding it in their daily lives here. Those who come to the temple arent. You must show them. Selflessness. Sharing. Confirmation. Whats the door? you ask, not entirely certain.

you. Many nights after returning from the temples bathhouse, the two of

Youve become quite good friends with Miriam recently, havent

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you stayed up late talkingabout the days activities, about men, about in horror as she hints at the degradations she suffered before coming to otherseven from the best of backgroundsbecome tarnished and

your lives on the outside. She seems so fresh and pure, even as you listen Albemarle. How are some people able to keep their purity of heart while grotesque, though if sometimes with an impassive face? Miriams heart often to drink.

seems like a fountain overflowing, and you find yourself dipping your hand Why dont you call Ruthie and ask her to come to Albemarle for a visit?

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The Unexpected Runs Amok Another month goes by and youre getting the hang of it, arent you.

Chapter 36

The Rabbi must have wanted to prepare you for a worst case scenario at normaland some even sensitive. In any case, the classes and seminars

the seminar because youve had seven more votaries and they all seemed are continuing and youre proud to say, when called upon, that in the main

youre acting spontaneously, letting intuition be your guide. No demands, no expectationsjust an open heart. When men are faced with that, how they have lost their innocence. I dont think you have at all. themselves sometimes open up! One votary said to you, Out there, women Probably the biggest surprise of all related to climaxnaturally,

you hadnt wanted to give yours up. Shades of Camille! The act of love

had to include a high pointto release you from the unbearable excitation. Your greatest fear upon entering the temple was that youd have to put that aside in the interests ofyou know, bonding and all that. Making it more be so serviced, especially after it was clear that men had been servicing difficult was the fact that you, as a modern woman, had come to expect to themselves with womens bodies for millennia! So you had a psychological need to come as well as a physical one. This was a weight on your mind, wasnt it Jen, as you thought through the whole issue of whether you should enter the temple or not. So what was your surprise? That the men pleasure as well as their own? They were men, after all. What a feather

at Albemarleat least your votarieswere still willing to work for your in their cap if they could pull it off. And what a discoverythat a maiden didnt have to forsake the animal for the spiritual, but could (with effort!) join the two to create a third experience that was distinct fromand far superior tothe other two. This act of love, youre finding, allows you

to better express your full humanness, from the lowest part of you to the come are not only of relief but of joy and gratitude.

highestand suddenly and even miraculously, your climaxes when they

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Once when she came to visit the Rabbi and ran into you sweeping the floor, where youd talked awkwardly about nothing in particular, and once last hot pools. week when she invited you one frigid moonless night to meet her up at the Ill be at the second little side pool by the boulder, she said. No more kisses, Camille. I promise.

Youve seen Camille all of two times since you entered the temple.

bathhouse because you were meeting Camille. Be careful, Jennifer.

At eight oclock you told Miriam you werent going with her to the temple

than once. You cross the square to the tram that goes up the hill toward

This is how it went, as youve played it back in your mind more

Albemarles north end, and get off about fifty yards from the beginning of the Summit Trail that leads to the top of Mt Sky. As usual youre wearing white and people nod and smile respectfully but say nothing.

was already yawning and stretchingbut steam pipes kept all the trails clear. The Summit Trail itself is lit by tiny fairy lights to guide you. The hot pools air must be below zero but the subterranean heating helps a little, as does are about halfway up the mountain, maybe a twenty minute walk. The night your body heat from climbing steadily upward. Soon youre at the womens changing hut and in a moment, the large hot pool. Stepping in, you see ten or twelve people half-submerged there, though in the steamy darkness you bit, you climb out and pad naked down the narrow path by a smaller pool ten yards distant, then to another farther on. Someone is in it already. Camille? Hi. beside her.

Snow is still two or three feet deep on the mountainalthough spring

can only make out vague shapes. Warming yourself in the thermal waters a

More circumspect this time, she doesnt speak as you slip into the water

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This feels good, you finally say. Its cold tonight, isnt it. Freezing.

Youll be warm all the way back, I guarantee. Im counting on it. through. Camille sighs. I miss you. Pause. Silence. Clouds blanket the stars and dont even let moonglow come What is it? you ask. I miss you, too. I thought the temple would be good for you, but now I feel like I dont How can that be? You talk to people all day. Thats different. Theres no intimacy. Thats a word I hear a lot. Arent you getting any? I guess its become our byword. Im not talking about sex.

have anybody to talk to.

Dont you think I know that? I am learning SOME things at the temple. Sorry. I didnt mean She hesitates a moment before continuing. sometimes?

We had intimacy, Jen. Jinnifer. Remember when I called you Jinnifer Yes. I felt really close to you, Camille. Is that past tense? Your reply bypasses her question.

attorney in a business suit.

You always seemed such a woman to me, while I was some clunky I dont know how you can say that, when I always felt so undeveloped,

unfinished, around you. You were a woman and you were a success in the

world out there. What was I? All dreams, all potential, but nothing to show

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for it.

her; she returns the embrace. You want to feel exactly as you felt as you embraced your Aunt Summer in Californiaflesh against flesh, heart I care a lot for you, Camille. Honestly? Honestly.

Her voice cracks and your heart breaks for her. You put your arms around

against heart, soul touching soul. You feel loneliness in her clinging grip.

stopped seeing you every day.

Because Im the one who adores you. I didnt realize how much til I Shes crying? The great Camille, goddess of Albemarle, crying? If they

were real tears, you cared all the more. You wanted to trust her, were dying to, but until all uncertainty was dispelled, you couldnt. Til then, maybe this unfathomable relationship with Camille will be in limbo. As she shudders in your arms, you stroke her hair.

Weve got time.

Like you once said to me about Albemarle, Camille. Do you remember?

youre not sure because its subtle. Its much like Zen, or at least what

The daily meditation seems to be having an effect on you, though

you read about Zen, in that you sit quietly with your eyes lowered and

let whatever thoughts come into your mind as they will, letting them go as they do. In other words, youre practicing that Buddhist principle of non-attachment Camille had talked about: dont hold onto anything. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, it doesnt matter. Just dont linger on them; dont let them take hold. To you that seems quite different from not thinking, which is impossiblefor you at least. Your mind is too active, especially with all the reading and more so all the sharing youve been doing. The

idea, then, as the Rabbi has been patiently explaining to you, is to let your

mind run free but not let any one idea lodge there. Right now youre able to do this for about two or three minutes at a time. After that, a stirring image of you in the throes of it or reflecting on Nietzsches disdain of the nasty

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little abortions who presume to understand the cosmos and try to set the tone over again. The idea of Zen, apparently, is to stretch, through daily practice, those two or three minutes to five or six, then ten, twenty, then fifty, then

of morality for all get you stuck in a mental groove and you have to start all

two hours, three, five, eightuntil your mind never gets caught on a thought and instead is free to focus eternally on the here-and-now. An end to desire. An end to worry about the past or the future. An end to suffering. Thats Buddhism in a nutshell. Or so it seems to you.

your mind usually ends up running riot and carrying you right along with it, whether you want to go or not. Meditation requires discipline! Miriam says two years! shes good for fifteen minutes at a time at most; usually ten. And thats after

It sounds good in theory, even easy, but when youre actually sitting there,

amusement park most of the time now, and I dont want to tone it down.

I dont try that hard anymore, she said to you. Frankly, my minds an

What I get out of it nowthe meditationis those ten or fifteen minutes of quiet where I can really start to see who I am. And the view keeps getting better.

maybe because of the unaffected way she said it. You took your meditation seriously, too, partly on Miriams account. She had been through some

You had laughed when she said this, not because she wasnt serious, but

appalling experiences before coming to Albemarle, though she wouldnt go into detail, and yet now she seemed contented and almost childlike in her approach to the world, and especially to her work. I never climax, but I get an even bigger O: sweet oblivion! Surely Ruthie would have some vacation time coming and even if

she didnt, her uncle the Governor would schedule it in. After all, hes the one who called and asked if it would be all right. Still, you were busy at the temple and should probably put it off a bit,

even though your crash course seemed to be over and you had increasing

amounts of private time. Youd even called Camille and said the two of you

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should meet more often nowfor lunch, a concert, gallery or whatever. Okay, youd give Ruthie a jingle in a week or two and invite her out. That settled, you dive back into Arthur Koestlers book, the one where

he shrugs his shoulders over our level of developmentthat is, having a

reptilian lower brain nestled beneath a cerebrum aware of it but unable to

control itand comes to the startling conclusion that we cant really wait

five or ten or fifty thousand years for the next evolutionary stepwe may psilocybin or LSD to bring the lower brain to heel by empowering the Where does the Rabbi come up with his reading list? the day when youre here. Jennifer? Oh hi, Miriam.

not last that longand might be better off using hallucinogenic drugs like higher brain to apprehend the oneness that joins us together as humans. Theres a knock on your dorm door, which you mostly leave open during

They said theres a call for you. leaves.

She walks over to your desk and hands you a cell phone, smiles fondly and Hello?....Ruthie! I was just thinking about you. Whats up, kid?....What

do you mean?....When?....Offshore accounts, of course. Thats business.. Okay, thanks for letting me know. Ill call you..Yes, me, too. See you. Grant Morgan, on the run!

The world was about to come crashing down. Or already had. Bad boy

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The Doctors RxAnd a Warning Had you been wrong in asking Governor Clary not to pardon Grant?

Chapter 37

With his legion of contacts and connections, could Grant have found out them dashed? That wasnt possible. But in Grant Morgans case, not possible isnt part of his vocabulary.

about the Governors deliberations and gotten his hopes up, only to have

Jennifer? No doubt the short answer is yes. After all, you think about him often, sometimes even begrudgingly reminiscing about him during your meditation. And worst of all, hadnt you fantasized about him more than with your partner but drifting off into your own physical and emotional Only now do you realize how selfish that is.

Your concern about this begs the question: do you still love him? Well,

once while in rhapsody with a votary? Shame, Jennot being fully in tune feeding. Some maiden you were, using one mans body to imagine another. Does Grant still love you? He must, if his word means anything at

all. And not having had a womaneven seen a womanfor so long, what tiger must be plenty hungry now. Did Grant have a higher nature? Youd

kind of state was he in? Little boy riding a tiger, thats what he was. And the never seen it, not once, though you had been touched by the warmth of his heart for you. He did have a heart. In the cold gray quarters of the prison, that too must have been crying out for relief.

doubt the ability to get forged identity documents, he could be in Rio now, to do his bidding. That was Grant Morgan. He snapped his fingers and whatever it was came running.

In any case, with a fortune spread out in banks who knew where and no

or Provence, a sweet little dab of honey sitting on his knee, ready and eager

arent you. Fortunately, theyre letting you ease into it, sometimes giving you nothing to do for days but go to classes, attend meetings, meditate,

Another day, another votary. Youre determined to make this work,

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sweep. And of course, write. Youre almost to page two hundred now and the doortomorrow or the day after at ten, or two, a votary. Youd asked Miriam how many she sees. Answer: one or two a day, four or five days a week. Youd asked her the most shed seen in a day. Answer: five, but several maidens had been sick with the flu.

have more ideas than you know what to do with. Then comes the knock on

happy to cuddle and coo for the longest time before asserting his manhood and entering the mother country. His exertions were silky and slow and although he was finished in a minute or two, he stayed put for a while and

The votary this afternoon was a gentle guy, all soft kisses and sighs and

stroked your arm. When he was finally ready for a second dip, he rolled and pulled you on top of him, putting his hands over his head and grasping the pillow like it would keep him from drowning. When the end came he was almost weepy.

sometimes I think I am.

Im not gay, he finally said as he sat up and reached for his robe; though Why do you say that? With a man?

I just want to lay back and feel it. No, with a woman. Always with a woman. I could sense your desire. Are you? Could you? Maybe Im bisexual. I dont know. I only think of women. what you are or what you call it? A sigh. Was I good? For you? Did you come?

If youre a man who likes women, youre straight. But what does it matter

You were very tender. I was touched by that. It wasnt that kind of experience for me. I could feel who you were and

I liked that. That I could get pleasure while I was doing it made it quite

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expansive.

Expansive? he replied, his eyes flickering a moment with a certain pride. Yes. Yes. You were satisfied, then? Thank you, Jennifer.

eccentric who was said to have the gift of healing. Youd seen him often at the temple, where he came once or twice a week to do massage and laying on of the hands for the maidens and swain whose bodies and

Now you have an appointment with Lonnie, the raven-haired

sometimes emotions were in constant need of it. Youd even heard of one or two miracles hed performedliteral healingsbut that was just hearsay. Anyway, today was the first time hed consented to meet with you. Apparently he needed to observe a person over time, whether to see if he trusted them or they were committed to the work, you werent sure. In any event, your number finally came up and hell be at your door any minute. Were you in need of healing? Possibly. You dont feel it, though, do you.

Face it, youve never felt better. You were eating well, sleeping like a pile of stacked hardwoodespecially after the nightly soaks in the temple baths and you were drinking surprisingly little. You were among sympathetic

people, you were learning to put a bridle on biology and steer it more nearly where you wantedthat was a new experience!you were riding, playing badminton and volleyball, you were writing. You werent just Jennifer Knox, attorney with a twat anymore, but more of a bona fide, living, deny the feeling, can you.

breathing human being. You chide yourself for your hyperbole but you cant On the minus side, you miss Summer terribly, and to a lesser degree

(you think guiltily) your mother and Sandra. And you have some concerns about your writing. You wonder if this new book, so influenced by your possibly jaded readers who arent here to see the possibilities with their

experiences at Albemarle, will sound too idealistic, too impractical to your

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own eyes. And finally, you worry about Grant, your worldly and imperfect teacher and sometime lover. What will become of him? Okay, so its not all blue skies and whipped cream but are you needful

of a healing? How about just sticking to a massage? Lonnie was a sensitive, and who knows what he might sense? Things are sailing along so well that youre understandably reluctant to encounter something that might

cause you to run aground. Let him work his magic on the wretched and comfortable little catboat with an accommodating wind.

the vexatious of spirit and leave you alone while you coast along in your And right on cue, theres the wire-haired conjuror now, looming into Its written, he says, one to whom the door is open, nothing shall be Dont let that be a portent, you must be thinking.

your doorway in his black and gray uniform, physician without portfolio. hidden.

how many years, you turn your back to him and disrobe, as Miriam had instructed you, wrap a towel around yourself and lie on the narrow bed,

He enters and closes the door behind him. Speechless for the first time in

looking into his eyes for some clue as to how he wanted to proceed. When youd asked Miriam about his method, she had said, I dont know. Every time is different.

bed, removes the pillow and places it on the chair by your desk. Then he

Youre on your back with your head on the pillow. He walks to the

crouches down and scans you from the side, head to foot, almost as if he The color is blue, he says approvingly; lapis lazoo.

were checking the alignment of your spine, the straightness of your legs. Is that good? you ask lamely, not knowing if youre supposed to talk or He stands.

just keep your trap shut and let him work.

an explanation; his way, anyway. Now face the ground, he whispers, motioning for you to turn over, and well hear the sound. You start to roll over and as you do, he tugs at your towel and dispenses

The sky is azure, the wind blows free he replies by way of

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with it altogether. You turn your head away from him and stare at the wall. You feel a hand on your bare back and it jerks away as he inhales sharply. What? you ask. Is something wrong?

he says, finally putting his hand back and rubbing between your shoulder hand on the side of your head. Dont move, dont speak, dont think.

Who denies the storm is coming; for you, for me, for them, for him?

blades in a circular motion. As he does so, he sits down and places his other Now he climbs onto the bed and straddles you, sitting on your bum,

and goes to work in earnest on your back and neck. His hands are strong and adroit and you feel tension you werent aware of before being siphoned away like teenagers draining the tank of a jimmied Caddy. His weight doesnt feel heavy on your body, and you surmise that hes using his thigh muscles to raise himself just enough to feel weightless. If so, he

had the sinews of a gymnast or he was willing himself to, beyond pain or impossibility. In any case your upper body is beginning to turn creamy and fill with an energy you didnt feel five minutes ago. Yet somethings

happening in your head, too. Your thoughts, usually flowing smoothly, one the tail of the one in front with its trunk, now were becoming disjointed,

sliding into the next like circus elephants entering the big top, each grasping intractable, jostling one another for space, for recognition. Was this Lonnies work, whose skill at dispersing tension in the muscles revealed in contrast a corresponding tightness in the mind? What other explanation was there? YOU knew.

And why are you crying? Jennifer Knox doesnt cry, or at least the Jennifer Be it so, let it flow, he says, then slides himself down your legs to work

your buttocks. Through your tears comes the oblique thought, doesnt THAT feel good, and you begin to calm. Didnt you read an article once about some yogis claim that the fastest way to soothe a persons emotions was to massage their buttocks? One wouldnt try it in a courtroom or in the back of a cab, butwhats this? The stampede is subsiding? The elephants are reforming their line and grasping once more the tail of the beast in front of them. Hardly minutes pass and youre in a dreamy state, Lonnie still

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kneading your cheeks like an enthusiastic baker working fresh dough. Was it his touch that made the magic, or would anyones hands do? How could plop him on his stomach and have at that behind. Maybe the buttocks had you find out? Maybe the next time a votary came to you in discontent, youd some acupressure-point relationship with the nervous system la Chinese Youre almost asleep, arent you. Wake up, he wants you to turn over. Oh. Do you feel immodest, showing him your complete nakedness in the full

medicine?and this might turn out to be a useful tool in your temple work.

light of the room? Maybe a little, but hes a doctor, remember? But what if he gets a little too personal? Thats where youd draw the line. If he shows any inclination in that direction, hes out of here. If hes in need of that, let him go through the proper procedures like everyone else. Youre not some

tramp wholl give it away anytime, just because a guy wants it and you have it. Reluctantly you turn over. trying to see the totality of it rather than any particular part. He rubs his hands together and lets them hover over you, maybe one or two inches Hes looking at your body now but his eyes seem unfocussed, as if hes

from your skin. Kneeling now, he moves his hands above every part of you, head to toe, never touching but most certainly feeling something. Several times he stops over your heart and over your groin area, as if having found touch is warm, almost hot.

something. Now he says forgive me and rests one hand on each place. His What is it? you ask.

concentrate his minds eye on his work. The pussy is strong and wants to enlist the heart in its game, pushing your commitment to the game. Hes talking in sentences now? Whats its game?

The heart and the pussy, he says, not looking at you but seeming to

Fucking is its need, its past, its future. Even now it grows warm under my No.

You know by its deeds. Its game is fucking. Its reason is fucking.

touch, while your heart is cool. Tell me the truth now: do you want to fuck?

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Yet do you deny that you like the touch, want it to linger? You reflect. No.

nothing, but between your legs theres a germ of sensation. Do you feel that? he asks. Yes.

He pulls his hands away and puts them on his knees. Your chest feels

The heart is pure but weak. It must grow stronger. How? How? How doth cow make milk? How doth singer sing? Each must I dont even know where to start. Sit and it will come. Meditation? Sit, Jennifer Knox. turns to you before leaving.

act according to its nature.

With that, he gets up and walks to the door. Opening it, he pauses and Beware. Youre in danger.

comprehend his words.

The bud of warmth in your groin turns suddenly cold as you struggle to

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The Plays the Thing, But Not Yours Lying naked on the bed, you try to process the last twenty or thirty

Chapter 38

minutes but your mind keeps returning to Lonnies final words. Youre in on your robe. you barge in.

danger. What kind of danger? Physical? Moral? You get up suddenly and put Opening the door, you hurry down the hall. A maidens door is open and Is Lonnie still here? A look of surprise. I dont know. I havent seen him.

You continue on. Miriam is at the end of the corridor, carrying a book. sees it.

Wheres Lonnie? you ask, approaching her. Youre not yourself and she

He left. Why? What happened? He told me Im in danger. What kind of danger? Lets go sit down.

I dont know. He didnt say. You walk with her to a small lounge and sink side by side into a velveteen Is that what upset you? she asks.

sofa.

Wouldnt it you? I want to ask him what he means. was even understandable. Half the time he talks gibberish. Well, this wasnt gibberish. What else did he say?

It wont do you any goodLonnie never explains himself. Youre lucky he

is too strong and wants my heart to follow along. Is he right?

About that? Nothing. But he did tell me thathow did he put itmy pussy

Shes trying to get you off the danger angle but maybe thats what you need.

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I thought I was getting past that, but apparently not. You told me just last week how far youve come. Well, at least when I get overpowered by the urge now, I dont feel a But you still get overpowered by the urge.

sense of dread anymore mixed with the anticipation. Thats something new. Not all the time like before, but yes. A lot. Too much. broad just like me.

Then welcome to my world, she says with a smile. Youre a horny You? To me you seem more like a nunyou know, placid, spiritual, You dont know me at all, she says with a little laugh. Whats the You tell me.

committedfrankly, I was hoping some of that would rub off on me. difference between a slut and a temple maiden?

gets it and likes herself because she is respected. Thats because a slut serves herself and a maiden serves everybody else. You look at her thoughtfully.

A slut gets it and hates herself because nobody respects her; a maiden

Did you consider yourself a slut before?

school and I felt like such a hypocrite. But after being at Albemarle awhile, I realized that having strong desirelike any other overheated drivefor power, for art, knowledge, security, whateverdidnt make one a freak, problems. I think Ive learned to get a better handle on that. She takes your hand in both of hers.

The worst kind. Then I came here. I started working at the elementary

but just annoyingly human. Its what I did with my drive that caused all the Thats my plan. If Ive got what it takes to pull it off. Can I tell you something? Ive finally read your book, and you gave me

the idea that maybe I can do more than what Im doing at the temple. So if I were you, I wouldnt worry about whether you can pull it off or not. I know you can. Youve read the book, too?

The copies you brought have been circulating. Some people here are

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blogging about it.

Thats news to me. I thought theyd end up on a library shelf somewhere. No way. Here, we take ideas seriously. We take people seriously. Miriam, seeming forever a gentle sheep in the field with hardly a care, is

having a calming effect on you, isnt she. She has faced the wolf and seen him slain. Thank you, Miriam. For what? For being here.

Silence. She strokes your hand.

him a couple of years now. When he says youre in danger, that might not mean real danger so much as somethings going to happen to test you and you ought to be ready for it. Once he held his hand over my forehead and said

So let me give you some advice about Lonnie, she says. Ive known

that he saw death, and I should just let go. Naturally, I panicked, thinking I was going to die and I should just accept it, or somebody close to me was. It turned out that my past had a terrible hold on me and I had to let that die a whole person again.

and move on. That came to me in meditation. Since then, Ive been more of Youve never told me what happened in your past. You dont want to know.

time with Lonnie and your conversation with Miriam, the Rabbi sends for you and tells you about all the work to be done for the upcoming Spring Festival. Hold on, here we go. Yes, the snow is melting and all along the

And just when you might be afforded the chance to consider your

footpaths emerald daffodil shoots are spearing up through the warming soil, in the course of a month. The festival is held to celebrate this irrepressible rebirth.

advance guard of the army of flowers that he claims will explode into bloom

and a feast will be held with the accompaniment of much singing and dancing.

Long tables will be set up in the squaremore than a hundred of them

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Javanese gamelan ensemble. Dont forget the magic, clowns, and llama

There would be colored lanterns, papier-mch sculptures, a

rides for the children. Theyve got llamas? Everybodyll be dressed entirely in redsuggesting heat, fire, energyto ward off the last lull of winter. every tenth person carrying a flaming torch, snaking its way around the At ten p.m. a procession would be formed, nearly three thousand strong, buildings and thawing lawns of lower Albemarle to the tribal beat of a horde of drummers, returning finally to the square. There a moment of silence, followed by a brief address by the Advocate. Then, the torches still burning, a thousand doves would be released and a rededicated populaceits bellies So exclaimed the enthusiastic Rabbi! full and its spirits soaringwould return aglow one and all to their lodgings. There was more to come. Maidens and swain, seldom going out among

the general population and rarely speaking when they did, each year put on a play to dramatize some aspect of life at Albemarle and show more of themselvesthe sound of their voices, their warmth, their humor,

their essential humanity. The majority of Albemarlians, using the temple who lived and performed their duties within.

primarily as a place of silent reflection, were no doubt curious about those So, the Rabbi tells you, we give them song, drama, maybe some

inventive dance steps, and hopefully they get a better picture of who we are. Tomorrow afternoon well brainstorm about this years theme. Albemarles it together, well choose parts and begin rehearsals. Were perfectionists so its usually an enormous amount of work, Jennifer, but keep in mind that you dont have to set up tables, cook, string lanterns, make costumes or do get off lightly. resident playwright will sit in and take notes, and when hes finished putting

dishes! Think about that, Jendishes for three thousand people! Id say we Still, you feel a little uneasy.

I havent been in a play since high school. people want to see.

Theres nothing to it. You dont need to actjust be yourself. Thats what

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maidens and swain are gathered together in the large lounge, along with the Rabbi and Randy, a thin young punk with a pug nose and a Scottish accent who was allegedly Albemarles playwrighta mauve figure in a sea of white.

For the first time since youve been living at the temple, all of the

a two-seater.

Why havent I seen him before? you ask Miriam, whos next to you on He lives at the other settlement on the north side, at the end of the lug

train line. Being a writer, Im sure hes holed up inside a lotthey say hes working on a history of the place. When hes not doing that, hes probably over on the west side at New Camp, helping with the eco-village were The Rabbi stands and looks around.

building therethough Im sure its slow-going til spring really settles in. I think everyones here. Creating a play worthy of performance can

be nerve-racking, as some of us have discovered from past years. Egos get

involved, tempers can fray, dogs well-hidden come out and bare their teeth. all that aside and focus on the greater good?

Some people even get bitten. So let me ask if anyone here is unwilling to put A long silence. You look at Miriam and her eyes are closed. Perhaps bitten

in the past, does she need to control her own bite? How about you, Jen?

Under pressure, any chance you might chomp on somebody? The thought almost makes you laugh. You, girl, are no stranger to pressure and in fact thrive on it. Or so ya thinks, eh? Well see, wont we. Twenty seconds or so pass and the Rabbi sits down.

collective thoughts and distill them into drama. The night will be full of You turn to Miriam.

Shall we begin then? Most of you know Randy, who will listen to our

activities, so were looking at a window of about forty minutes. Any ideas? What was last years play about?

of them are too attached to the life outside and end up leaving.

A group of friends comes to Albemarle to live. Most catch on, but a couple

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It sounds simple enough. Youd be surprised. George, the gray old swain, speaks up.

How about one of those insufferable IT robber barons coming here to turn over a new leaf, but cant control his ego and tries to run the place? Comments?

little touchy. He was big in IT himself. Kevin speaks up.

I wonder, one of the maidens says, if the Advocate might find that a

baron like the rest of em. continues.

No problemo. Its pretty common knowledge that he was never a robber Randy is writing this down, or writing something down at least. The Rabbi Any other ideas? Well entertain all and sundry and take a vote. Yon maiden speaks. Some people at Albemarle dont eat meat. What about a hypothetical split,

separating friends, even family members? Lots of drama there, and the denouement can be how we solve the problem. How do we solve it? someone asks. I dont know. Thats Randys job. Everyone laughs.

obtuse Samuel Beckett play. funny.

Dont give me more than I can chew, Randy says, or Ill give you an Or Ionesco! someone adds, to more laughter among those who think its The Rabbi speaks.

as usual. In fact, we count on it. Any other ideas? You turn to Miriam again. Nothing about the temple? The Rabbi breaks in.

Im sure Randys play, whatever it is, will be Randyesque in the extreme,

Maybe its too close to home. Weve never done one yet.

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Jennifer, you look like youre onto something. up here. Yet why not? Nobody else will. What did you have in mind?

Miriam nudges you playfully, but you have no intention of bringing it How about a story set in the temple? Nothing in particular, but isnt it something we know best? I need more meat than that, Randy says to you. Okay, how about this. We all work with common purpose here, just

like the rest of Albemarle. But Im sure every one of us has a different reason for doing what we do and Id be very surprised if any two are alike. Why not have each person do a short monolog about what brought them to chorus. the temple, with comments from the others who maybe act like a Greek Randy looks amused.

It sounds good, but how am I supposed to write it?

be no embarrassment. Some hidden truths could even come out. You write it all up, giving the characters different names, and we choose the part we want to play, not knowing who it actually is. I like it, Kevin says. I second that, Greg adds. it. That youre something more The Rabbi stands.

I dont know. Maybe interview each person privatelythat way, therell

Gives you a good feeling when men youve slept with back you up, doesnt

the vegetarian revolt, and the temple monologs. Lets take a vote.

Okay, I think thats enough to work with. Weve got the IT robber baron,

chamomile. You tuck into your small but actually pretty darned comfortable bed and turn off the light. You dont feel in any danger. What would you tell Randy about your motivation for entering the temple?

Its ten oclock and youve had your bath and a quiet cup of

Would it be a difficult sell or would he grasp it right away and approve?

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Of course you didnt need his approval, only his writing ability. Still, it

wouldnt be the same as opening up to Camille and Miriam, or even the

Rabbi, whose calm and steady warmth made him easy to talk to. The young and possibly impatient Scotsman would be an entirely different experience and maybe a demanding one.

revolt and that settled it. Disappointing, isnt it. Though steeped in training and accustomed to fathoming themselves and life better through daily meditation, the august group of seekers still didnt have the confidence

In any case it didnt matter, as the group had voted for the vegetarian

(or the knowledge?) to reveal themselves publicly. Or maybe felt they had If, sometime in the future, you were to become head of the temple, maybe

something to hide. In a sense, then, might you be half a step ahead of them? under your leadership that would change. But what are you talking about?

Youve got a book to finishand when its edited and published, a long and to give up til heads started turning! Swear it, Jen. Swear it!

arduous promotional tour beyond the gate! And this time, you werent going

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More Dramatic Than the Drama? The buildup to the Spring Festival has created a galvanic excitement

Chapter 39

in the airone could almost smell the ozone. Carpenters were banging away, tailors ran their sewing machines hot, electricians were going all

incandescent with their lighting schemes, everything done to the incessant beat of the drums of Tambacounda, as someone said. It was a festival leading up to a festival. days long!

This is nothing, Miriam says to you. The Summer Festival is three It seems these Albemarlians know how to throw a party. Even so, its

no party for you, is it, having pages of dialog to memorize, not to mention complex blocking and dance steps. Each of you will have discrete microphones and circulate among the tables while always having a core group, ever-changing, on a central platform. Learning your moves in relation to the other actors (and to the tables, fountains and arbors) makes you feel like a football teams running back being given a playbook with finale, Busby Berkeley-style. Thanks a lot, Randy.

very little time to learn it. Then theres the flower-petal theater-in-the-round Among your lines, your favorite passage is your hyperbolic, ego-poetic

position statementNor will I feast upon the flesh of my brethren: deer of woodland, lamb of field, bird of sky. The angels are watchingI feel their very breath on the back of my neck. Can you not smell cloves and cardamom? And after the play, to sit and feast at a table adjoining the absurdity!

other diners happily devouring venison and beefsteak! The fun of it all, the

Rabbi, whos apparently counseling someone, and two of the maidens, who had performed yours yesterday and had been especially warm and attentive

Most of the group is in the lounge, rehearsing. Missing only is the

are performing their duties for God and country and their eternal souls. You

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as you clung to your votary and kissed his cheek hungrily, remembering what the Rabbi had said in his seminar the other night: We dont do it for sex; we work through sex to ease the others existential loneliness.

If that doesnt happen, youre not doing your job. You must have done

yours because the big oaf with the knotty shoulders and calloused hands,

though he had been rough with you the first time through, eased up on the

second, and during the third Olympian act was almost gentle, even getting time to go.

something of a melancholy look in his eye when you finally told him it was Jennifer. Huh? Miriams in your face, all wide-eyed and questioning. Youre not listening to me. Sorry. I guess my mind was wandering. pay attention so I can learn my lines.

Im not going to ask where, though Ive got a pretty good idea. Now Yes, O exalted one. Tell me all about vegetables.

would.

She slaps your knee as hard as only a good friend or dedicated enemy You deserved that, she says with a salty smile. No doubt. Look, everyone else is working hard.

script in hand, advising, fielding questions. Everyone was immersed in

Maidens and swain, sitting and standing, running lines, singing; Randy,

pockets of thought that made up a world to them, until the imposing form in not possible. Your potent and notorious Grant bloody Morgan! In the flesh! temple as he walks toward the intruder.

street clothes barrels into the room and brings everything to a halt. No, thats You cant be in here, Kevin says, ever protective of the sanctity of the Ive come to see Jennifer, Grant replies, pulling out a revolver to allay Thats him, isnt it, Miriam whispers to you, though you hardly hear her.

any doubt that he means to get what he wants.

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Your eyes are fixed on the indomitable presence of this brute presumptive

suddenly having thrust himself into your midst. Weapon or no weapon, he Your mind is halfway to tilt but youre a lawyer; youve got resources stand, every bit the warrior-queen. Talk. Just talk.

dominates the room like an exiled warrior-king back to reclaim his crown. people cant imagine, and you feel yourself calling upon them now. You What do you intend to do, Grant? you ask with unwavering voice. Do you know this guy? Randy asks. Oh, yes. I know him. You quickly scan the room, looking into every eye for intention. Is there

anyone here who will stand up to Grant Morgan? No takers? No one but mighty lover and friend, titillationist extraordinaire and confidante. He

you. But must you stand up to him? Not that many months ago he was your touched your deepest being as no man had. Are you not still bound to him? whatever it might be, in public. Certainly not in this peculiar, white-clad public.

Can we go somewhere? he asks, not wanting to conduct his business,

going to have you eating out of his hand anytime soon. Why did you come here? You know why. Ive come for you. Its always been you.

We are somewhere, you reply, making it quite clear to him that hes not

And you expect me to run off with you, is that it? Something like that. To where? Bangkok? Marrakesh? Ive got a place in mind. Im sure you do, you say sharply.

direction. He hesitates before speaking again, during which time you see a dark cloud gathering behind his eyes. disappointment in his voice.

The gun swings away from Kevin, a little uncomfortably close to your

The Governor was going to pardon me, he says, anger and yet a hint of

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The reach of the man was phenomenal. How could you possibly know that? I also know that someone advised him against it. A certain Chicago Would he kill you for that? He was already an accessory to two murders Yes, it was me. But why?

lawyer who seems to have a very short memory. why not pull the trigger for a third?

I cant help what I believe, Grant, you say in your defense. you.

We believe what we choose to believe, Jen. You just choose what suits How can you say that? I didnt choose this burden, this terrible quest Im

on to right the so-called wrongs of the world. It would be laughable if I

werent so serious about it. I was just a little girl sitting on a dock, and the

entire universe was a country lake and the waves from a motorboat lapping though Ive hardly caught a glimpse of her since. Maybe shes gone for good. And yet thats the person I came to see.

at the pilings below me. I was happy then. That was the real Jennifer Knox,

This obviously doesnt sit well with him.

If she is, shes betrayed herself, he says coolly.

Like you betrayed me? you snap back in response. toward you like a falcon untethered.

Wrong answer, as apparently he thinks hes being reasonable. He swoops Like you betrayed your own daughter! he says, sinking his talons right in. What do you know about that?

needs your sorry ass. Can we agree on that? Your mother does, too, and that Dont forget me, Jen, sitting in purgatory counting every minute til I could us all, havent you. Jesus, youre selfish! And you dont even know it, do

You tell me everything, remember? So I know and you know that she

crazy aunt out in California. You told me about all of that. And then theres me. see you again, maybe even be lucky enough to touch you. Youve betrayed

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you!

Why are you being so cruel?

Maybe truth is the purest form of love.

What does a man like you know about love? run away.

A lot more than you, it appears. When you love somebody, you dont Listen to me, Grant. Im on a journey to who knows wherehow can I If you cant, what good are you?

be there for anyone?

ears of a lover. With a room full of people staring and him with a pistol in his hand, pointing in your direction. Not at you, but near enough to be an exclamation point to what he says. To show he means business. Are you going to shoot me, Grant?

How are you to make sense of what hes saying? Scathing words to the

stops cold, processing what he sees in that primordial brain of his. Grant

Before he can answer, a breathless Sammy bursts through the door and

instinctively reels around, the gun coming to rest on Sammy now, ten feet away. You see by Sammys eyes what he intends to do, and a second later hes charging at Grant, an easy target for the bullet thats sure to come, though that seems to make no difference to him. You wait for an eternity

for the sound of the shot but it doesnt cry out like it should, doesnt mourn the loss of a shining light extinguished, Sammy instead tackling Grant to the floor, the momentum of his muscular body too much even for the great and you leap on his back to pull him off. Sammy! Its okay. Its all over.

Grant Morgan. Theres justice in this, though you fear Sammyll go too far

youre able with Kevins help to pull a scarlet-necked Sammy off. Grant slowly gets to his feet, looking almost relieved. Enter Bob Cragg with Donna now, weaponless but ready to rumble. You look at Grant intently and see that its indeed over. But you knew that, didnt you, when he had the chance to cut

Grant is on the ground, his hand empty of the gun. With some effort,

Sammy down and didnt. In fact, youve known all along, havent you. Love

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has changed him, as it has you, and nothing will ever be like it was. fast. Everythings okay.

Its all right, you say to Donna, holding up your hand for her to stand Grant looks at you with eyes laden with inexpressible emotion. Is there any chance for us? You walk to him and lower your voice.

There might have been if youd stayed put and paid your dues. But how was I to know? You stopped coming, stopped calling. need to see where it takes me. So now what? I have a life, Grant. A life that almost seems important to me now, and I

wherever, dont try to contact me again. Ever.

I dont know. But I can tell you one thing: if you run off to Bali or And if I go back? Play nice and do my time?

or not. Besides, the real me now might not be the same person you knew. sighs.

You should do that anyway, whether Im in the picture when you get out He looks at you as if trying to appraise your words but cant. He almost You expect me to just turn myself in. Yes. He turns to Cragg and Donna. Call in the troops, then. They must already be on the way because Cragg stands there impassively, Returning his glance once more to you, Grant gives you that boyish, wistful

as if having long realized there was no real danger.

look of old before walking out, followed by Donna and Cragg. You look at Sammy, whos standing beside you now. Sam-the-man! you say.

constabulary.

You got it, he replies with a sudden smile, then hustles out to back up the You look at the troubled sea of faces around the room.

Okay, so my lifes an open book! And you people voted for vegetables!

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at your desk.

In the evening Miriam comes to your room while youre reading

Some climax, she says.

a novel, Im sure the authord be taken to task for it. She puts her hand on your shoulder. Ready for a bath? she asks.

Wasnt it nowthough I think more of an anti-climax. If my life were

Id go up to the hot pools with her tonight. Have you recovered?

I guess Camille got upset when she heard what happened and I promised

She tries to hide her disapproval though plainly fails, and sits on the bed. I think so. Lonnie warned me, remember? So when it happened, I think

I was ready for it. Im sure Grant expected me to try to sweet-talk him but I knew that would make him madso I tried not to give him an inch, which in the end I think he respected. Not that he was easy on me, Miriam. He wasnt going to shoot me. Just pretty sure? cut me to the heart, if you want to know the truth. But I was pretty sure he

much I know about men.

One never knows a mans mind when theres a woman involved. That Its amazing, isnt it, what a manll do for a woman. He couldve been long

gone, sitting on a beach somewhere, but instead he comes here. And he must have known youd want him to go back. The guy must really love you. He does. Im sure of it now. And you?

I have no choice. Its the main reason I came to Albemarleto get some control over that blind force that pushes me to somebody. I want to love someone because I want to, not because I have to. And are you making any progress on that?

Do I love him? Yes, and thats the problem. I dont want to but it seems

I couldve run off with him today and I didnt. I didnt even try to get him

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into a room somewhere to drink my fill of him. That says a lot, dont you think? I guess so. I know so.

to falter.

Are you sure youre okay? she asks, her voice sounding ready Im a big girl. True.

Camille is sitting next to you in the hot pool, and none too joyful.

Maybe so, but its not every day that you get a gun pointed at you. Werent you afraid?

You think for a moment before answering. Yes, I think I was. I was afraid for him.

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What Its All About How they do go by, these days of wonder, these wondrous nights

Chapter 40

of painful antiseptic reflection. Like an autumn leaf having lit on a brook, youre being carried along and spinning all the while. Your book is going well. Its about justice. Its not about finding justice

for the nation but in the ever-present battle with your own body and minda struggle you can never win but might with understanding and effort conduct with a modicum of dignity. Your first book had been about the grand sweep of American law,

from the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution to their modern corruptions. But this book is more about youa carnal being crying out for fairness! Yes, youre a walking, talking contradiction, as are your

countrymen perhaps, but maybe in laying out the terms of your own search, a lamp for someone else.

and the hurdles youve had to leapare still leaping dailyyou might raise How far have you actually come? You told Grant that you might

be a different woman than the one he knew before. What does that mean? leash now and thus less wantonly exciting? Men, after all, are looking for Virgin to bear their children. If they can get both, these are men who rule

Would he find the animal in you less appealing because it was on a shorter an accomplice to roll in the dirt with, or at the opposite extreme, a Blessed the earth, at least in their own minds. But youre neither, are you. Youre no longer the unbridled beast, yet nor are you any closer to the promised land, though at least you think you know more clearly the direction in which it lies. So what would Grant get for his money? Something finer, hopefully.

Youve taken a tentative step out of the wilderness and if you can make it

stick, you just might be worth something. Yes, youre a different woman but youre still a work in progress, arent you. Youre that unfinished clay pot hes got a long way to go. That tender brute of yours has no idea. on the potters shelf, yet unglazed and ill-prepared for the kiln. Grant thinks

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And you intend to wait for him, dont you, using the time to get your own house in order. The first thing is to stop lamenting what drew you to him. Youve accepted now that you were attracted to his incredible maleness, then looked for his qualities in order to explain or maybe even justify were compelled to love him, Jen, and this you finally concede. Youre a

Yes, you love the man. Whether you want to or have to, the fact remains.

his power, and the wicked chemical cocktail this released in your brain your feelings. Thats how we do it. Thats the design were heirs to. You biological creatureone prick of a pin proves it. He being a man, hell take you on those terms. Possibly its all he knows. And if by chance he comes he then assent to your striving for that more universal justice, which of to understand your deeper natureor even that such a thing existsmight necessity includes a measure of freedom from the constricting bonds of

the body? Hell never accept you as a sainthes a man after allbut if of feeling and release you from its agonies, perhaps hell tolerate your

he still gets to wrestle with your flesh, conquer you, take you to the heights aspirations for sainthood. Saint Jennifer. Thats what this is all about, isnt it? Thats what its been all along, though youre just realizing it lately. You can never actually BE holyyou know that. Not as long as youve got that organ of pleasure with its throughway to your heart, to your mind and its imagination. But can you take one little upward step? Can you use the energy of your own biology to propel yourself, and the rest of the human Thats as saintly as a human being will ever get, or so you believe.

racethose who choose to accompany youto a slightly nobler level? Is there justice in this world? Is there really such a thing as love? If not

for you, then for no one, surely. And so you stand at the beginning of what must be a long and no doubt formidable road. Can you yourself ever offer good and wounded Summer? Who can say? justice to your daughter Sandra? Your longsuffering mother? The dear and How they do march by, these days of wonder, like triumphant

janissaries on parade, decked out and striking awe in all who behold them, including you, Jen. And what lies ahead? Unlike Camille, you dont want

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to be a goddess. Those who try to walk on water can end up drowning. It saith St Jen, little girl sitting on the dock.

would be enough to know what you are, without fear, and live by that. So

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