Premarital Course

!
Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL, 2008, 2010

Steps Toward CoCreating
a Happy, Lasting Marriage
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Created by
The Relationship Learning Center
1177 Louisiana Ave. Suite 109
Winter Park, FL 32789
TeIephone & Fax: 407-740-7763
E-maiI: dawn@relationshipjourney.com
Website: www.reIationshipjourney.com
BIog: buiIdbetterreIationships.bIogspot.com
Meets Requirements for Premarital Preparation Program for Florida
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ACTIVITY 1-1: Discussion Question on COMMITMENT: ........ 8
ACTIVITY 1-2: Discovering Individual and Common VALUES . 8
ACTIVITY 1-3: Finding a Common Vision for Your Marriage .... 9
ACTIVITY for Later: Successful Marriage Interviews ................ 9

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ACTIVITY 2-1: What am I putting into our space ................. 12
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ACTIVITY 3-1: Increasing the positive .................................. 15
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ACTIVITY 4-1: Creating Emotional Intimacy - Dialogue ....... 24

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ACTIVITY 5-1: Roles & Responsibilities ............................. 25
ACTIVITY 5-2: Children & Parenting .................................. 26
ACTIVITY 5-3: Your Partner's Family ................................. 27
ACTIVITY 5-4: Friends ....................................................... 28
ACTIVITY 5-5: Quality Time & Mutual Support ................... 29
Ch. 6: Conhict: A Form of Connection 4444444444444444444 CQ
ACTIVITY 6-1: Conhict Dialogue ....................................... 34
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ACTIVITY 7-1: Discussion Questions About Sex ................ 37
Ch. 8: Finance 444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444 GQ
ACTIVITY 8-1: Questions on Finance ................................. 43
ACTIVITY 8-2: Creating a Financial Vision ......................... 44
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ACTIVITY 9-1: Questions to Discuss on Spirituality ........... 46
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Florida and other states have passed laws to try to help couples have some information and
tools to help them be successful in their marriage and to help reduce the high divorce rate.
Divorce is painful for everyone involved. When people get married, they both want to be happy
together. No one goes into a marriage planning to get divorced, yet the divorce rate remains
very high. want you to have information and tools to build and sustain a happy, healthy,
fulflling and lasting marriage together, and for those of you will have or already have children, a
healthy and stable family for them. You are the model for their adult relationships! Make sure
you are a good one.
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Read this course and compIete the activities. YOU MUST SPEND 4 HOURS or MORE
ON THE MATERIAL AND ACTIVITIES. You wiII be asked to attest to the fact of having
spent at Ieast 4 hours on the course. HopefuIIy you vaIue your future marriage enough
to take time, but at the very Ieast make sure you can truthfuIIy attest to the 4 hours. It is
the Iaw.
Take the quiz onIine (links to the forms will be sent to you by e-mail when you register).
YOU CANNOT GET THE CERTIFICATE WITHOUT COMPLETING THE QUIZ
Take the certicate to the CIerk of the Court in the county where you will obtain your mar-
riage license.
am currently listed as an approved provider in numerous counties in Florida and will be adding
other counties. You can also check www.foridapremaritalcourse.com which has the approved
counties listed.
(IMPORTANT NOTE: If you wait more than one year between receiving the certifcate
and getting your license, you will need to take a course again to obtain a discount on the
marriage license and avoid the waiting period.)
strongly encourage you to do this course and the activities as an investment in your marriage
and in each other. n fact, even after you are married it is great to have an hour once a month to
take time to talk about important things like the activities in this workbook. Come up your own
topics. Make a lifelong commitment to learning how to become a better partner and create an
even better marriage. There is ALWAYS more to learn!
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Premarital Prep
Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW
E-mail: dawn@relationshipjourney.com
Tel & Fax: 407-740-7763
( can usually respond most quickly by e-mail)
Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW, Winter Park, FL, 2008, 2010. No part of this material may be copied
without permission. Revision 9-2010-a
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Give yourseIf adequate time to do the course.
The law requires that you spend at least 4 hours of course time. That includes the reading AND doing the
activities. The activities are the fun part and important for your future. Do the course, activities & then the
test.
Don't wait untiI the day you pIan to get your Iicense to do this.
Give yourself time to think, to refect, and to share together. This is part of building your life together.
While I do my best to get the certihcate to you as soon as possible after you let me know you have
hnished the test, sometimes I am counseling clients all day or in a meeting and may not be able to
get it to until that evening.
Print out 2 copies, so you each can work through your own copy.
Be sure to discuss the sections of questions within the course. They cover topics Iike sex, money, chiI-
dren, spirituaIity, famiIy and more.

After you compIete each section, sit down with one another and teII your partner the most important
thing you Iearned, anything you Iearned about yourseIf, and what you want to take from it to heIp buiId a
strong reIationship together.
Make sure you aIso do the activities. Some you wiII do on your own and others you wiII taIk about with
your partner.
People learn best when they are doing activities to help them practice and use the information they are
learning. The purpose of activities is to deepen emotional intimacy and connection. When you do things
like the values list, share them and talk about those you have in common that you can build your relation-
ship upon.
You may also fnd that the information or activities lead you to think of questions or ideas for sharing on
your own. Do it!
Create a quiet environment to taIk when you do the activities.
Turn off TV and cell phones.
Use this as special time together.
Stretch out of your comfort zone -try new ways of communicating and acting with your partner.
Often one partner will like doing this more than the other (and, it's not always the woman!). One partner
may talk easily in the activities, the other might have diffculty expressing him or herself. That's normal. f
you normally talk little about what you think and feel, try to say more to help your partner understand you.
f you are the 'talker' most of the time, try to focus your conversation. Work at listening to truly understand
without interrupting or criticizing. (We'll talk more about this in the section on communication.)
Use what you Iearn! Practice, practice, practice.
Like any tool , skill or technology, you have to actually use it for it to work. Repeated practice is how the
brain develops skills and learns. You will get out of this and your marriage -- what you put into it.
Have FUN Iearning about reIationships, yourseIf and your partner and experimenting with ways to buiId
a happy, fuIIIing marriage.
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Most people want the bad news frst. am not telling you this to discourage you, but to remind you that happy mar-
riages don't simply 'happen' because you have a beautiful wedding ceremony. You can learn now, what many people
learn only after years of dissatisfaction and sometimes, the pain of divorce.
So here it is:
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1. AIthough peopIe get married with the hope of having a happy, Iasting marriage, 45-50% of rst marriages
end in divorce.
Hardly any couple goes into marriage thinking they will be one of those divorced couples. They believe that
their love is special (and it is) and that it will not happen to them. Yet almost half of those couples will divorce.
2. AIthough many coupIes Iive together before marriage, and often beIieve that wiII heIp them improve their
chance of marriage success, research shows that the reaIity is often the opposite.
Several studies, including a 2008 study by Rutgers University, show that while the rates of cohabitation continue
to lower the rate of marriage, those who eventually marry are more likely to end in divorce than non-cohabitating
couples. This is not to pass moral judgment on living together. f you have lived together, be aware of these factors
so that you can avoid becoming one of those statistics:
a) Living together creates or strengthens the idea that we are committed as long as everything works out
smoothly. There is always an 'out'. That view can carry over to marriage "if it gets hard, challenging, and
requires me to make any signifcant changes, I'm out of here. Long-term commitment wiII require effort,
changes, and a willingness to work through confict and diffculties even in the best of marriages. There is
a different level of commitment and responsibility as a married couple.
b) Research also indicates that attitudes such as living together to test compatibility adds to the myth that
being like each other, having the same interests, personality characteristics etc. are what determines a
happy, fulflling marriage. However, differences are part of what enrich each partner, urge each person to ex-
pand themselves, and to become more balanced in some of their behaviors. Opposites DO attract on many
levels. Research shows that having common core vaIues and basic goals for the future ARE fundamental
aspects of compatibility. Learning how to respect and work with differences in positive ways is needed in any
healthy marriage or relationship.
c) Some couples who have lived together fnd it harder to break up than dating couples and end up drifting
by inertia into inappropriate marriages because of combining households and fnancial resources, or a preg-
nancy, only to break up later. Sometimes couples (married and unmarried) who are beginning to experience
confict or distance think that having a baby will bring them closer together. DON'T DO THAT! t rarely works
and now you have brought a child who will suffer the consequences of living in a distressful climate.
To help overcome these tendencies, make a frm commitment to your marriage, AND to do the work of marriage.
Get help if you get stuck. Couples who are successful get through the inevitable bumps in marriage with the atti-
tude that in spite of diffculties, they will fnd a way through it that will only make them both and their marriage even
stronger.
3. AIthough peopIe think they have Iearned their Iesson after a divorce and resoIve never to make the same
mistakes again, second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than rst marriages -- 60%-65%.
a) The sooner someone gets into another reIationship after a divorce or reIationship breakup, the
greater the chance of divorce.
b) PeopIe think they wiII be happy if they just nd the 'right' person. That beIief contributes to di-
vorce - more than once!
Of the 45% of frst marriages that get divorced, many will think that it is just because they picked the
wrong person. So they will try again to fnd Mr. or Ms. 'Right'. They are often pickier the second time
b
around, hoping to be more careful this time so that they don't end up with someone like their frst
spouse. They certainly don't want to go through the pain of divorce again. At some point, these people
will think they have fnally found the right partner, one that doesn't have those annoying behaviors of
their frst spouse. THS person is different. They get married only to fnd that it starts to feel a lot like the
frst one with similar issues and fghts. (You will learn more about 'why' in the section of this course on
Stages of Relationship)
c) They think the probIem in the rst marriage was the other person. It was THEIR fauIt that the
marriage was unhappy.
BOTH create the climate of their marriage every day by what they do or say, don't do or say, and how
they do or say it. BOTH are responsible for its success or failure.
What 'Arranged' Marriages Can Teach AII CoupIes!
While we frequently look down upon arranged marriage in North American culture, did you know that mar-
riage based on romantic love has only been around for about 200 years? Before that, families arranged
marriages for economic and social reasons. Even today, 80% of the world's population still practice ar-
ranged marriage. n modern arranged marriages, a person often meets the person and has much more
choice about whether or not to accept a specifc partner.
People in 'arranged' marriages often learn important success principles by necessity. They don't base
their marriage on the mood of the day or how loving they feel at a given time. Their attitude is:
a) that creating a happy, Iasting marriage is not based on nding the 'right' partner.
b) that creating a happy marriage requires that each person remain wiIIing to continue Iearning
how to become a good partner and Iearn how to buiId Iove.
c) we are in this together for the Iong term;
b) whether we stay together does not depend on the Ioving feeIings or Iack of them in a given
day, week or year. There will be days, and sometimes months, you don't feel very loving. There will be
days you will think that maybe you should be with someone else.
c) since we are in this, we need to nd ways to work through differences that work for BOTH
peopIe and to nd ways to nurture Iove.
Arranged marriages teach us that real love has only a little to do with feeling in love. Love S a marvelous
thing. A fulflling life together takes more.
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You CAN Iearn things and do things that increase your IikeIihood of success.
1. Courses, books, workshops, counseling can all teach you important knowledge and skills to improve your
marriage and all your relationships. You would take time to educate yourself and practice new skills to be better at
a sport, playing a musical instrument, or advancing your career. f you think you know everything there is to know
about creating positive relationships, you are mistaken. Relationships are a lifelong journey in which we can all
continue to improve.
2. ReaIize that happy marriages don't happen just because you feeI Iove now. Happiness in your Iife, and
in your marriage, is something you create every day.
Happiness does not happen because you have a beautiful wedding -- except on that day. t does not happen
just because you sign a paper and live together as husband and wife. Expecting to have a happy marriage
because of positive intent and living in the same house is like believing that you can lose weight and get ft
simply by driving by a gym every day. Some people make a half-hearted effort on their marriage. They walk
into the gym, look around, think about getting in shape, watch other people work out. They believe that if they
know what to do, just showing up will give them what they want. Many marriages get into trouble because
people neglect them. Partners take each other for granted. They stop making a conscious effort to show their
love for their partner, to consider his or her needs, and to fnd solutions to problems that consider both people.
To enjoy good heaIth, whether physicaIIy, emotionaIIy, or reIationaIIy, you have to take time to pay attention
to it, and mindfuIIy do those things that can buiId good heaIth - whether or not you feeI Iike it. They require
Y
an ongoing investment of time, energy and effort.
n the following chapters you will learn some predictable stages in relationships and some specifc things you can do
to create lasting, fulflling marriages.
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As said earlier, sharing or at least actively supporting your partner's core values predicts success. You will be
much happier individually and together if you use your core values as a guide to your decisions, behavior and goals.
Activities 1-1 & 1-2 will help you identify those for yourself and share them with your partner.
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Listen with curiosity.
Listen without interrupting, commenting or asking questions until the person is
completely hnished.
When the person hnishes speaking, try to summarize the main points of what they
said and ask if you've gotten the main points.
Then ask any questions you may have. (Listen to the answers without
interrupting!)
Only then share your response to the Discussion Question.
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Help your partner understand your thinking and feeling about the question or issue .
Don't expect them to 'get' you just because you say one or two sentences. And, don't
lose them in the details.
Try to tell them things like why you think the way you do, why this is important
to you, what your hopes and concerns are about this issue, etc. Especially in
a marriage, speak in a way that helps your partner see INSIDE of you.
If you get into bad habits of 'mind-reading' and GUESSING or ASSUMING what your
partner is thinking, feeling, or intends without checking it out with them, you will get
into trouble. Take responsibility for your own communication as a good listener and a
good speaker. You get better by consciously practicing to improve.
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What does commitment to each other and to your marriage mean to you?
(What are the essential ingredients of 'commitment' ?)
Talk about a time you were committed to someone or something. What helped you stay
committed even when you didn't feel like it, or when you encountered obstacles or challenges?
Share your Iists: When you've both completed this, sit down and share the answers to the questions
and the list of values. A fun way to do it is for one person to say one of his or her answers or values and
for each value, say how he/she envisions that being expressed in your marriage and why that's important
to him/her. Then you will read one of yours. Continue one at a time through your lists.
Acceptance
Achievement
Adventure
Affection
Aliveness
Appreciation
Awareness
Awe
Balance
Belonging
Beauty
Carefree
Caring
Challenge
Closeness
Comfort
Commitment
Common nterests
Compassion
Concern for others
Consideration
Cooperation
Contentment
Continued learning
Contribution to better
world
Courage
Creativity
Curiosity
Decisiveness
Discipline
Discovery
Equality
Excellence
Fairness
Faith
Family
Fidelity
Financial Security
Flexibility
Friendship
Freedom
Fun
Generosity
Global view
Goal-oriented
Gratitude
Growth-oriented
Honesty
Honor
ndividuality
ntegrity
ntimacy
Harmony
Hope
Joyfulness
Justice
Leadership
Love
Loyalty
Meaning/purpose
Mindfulness
Openness
Optimism
Order
Partnership
Passion
Peace
Personal growth
Persistence
Positive attitude
Power
Practicality
Purity
Purpose in Life
Punctuality
Realism
Reliability
Respect
Responsibility
Risk-taking
Romance
Sacrifce
Safety (emotional
& physical)
Security
Seriousness
Sensitivity
Service to
others, society
Simplicity
Spirituality
Spontaneity
Stability
Status
Synergy
Teamwork
Tenderness
Tolerance
Tradition /ritual
Tranquility
Trustworthiness
Truth
Trust
Unity
Variety
Vulnerability
Vision
Wisdom
Wonder
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Do this part separateIy rst: Take a little time to think about and write out your answers to the
following:
What qualities and values would help me be the kind of human being I want to be in the
world?
What is the model and legacy of marriage I want to leave for my children and others
through the example of my own marriage?
Make a list of the 10 most important values that you want in your marriage and life. (f you get
stuck, use the Values List below.)
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ACTVTY 1-3: Finding a Common Vision for Your Marriage - Your GP8
A GPS is useless if you don't put in the address of your destination. You need to do the same thing for
your marriage to help you 'recalculate' as needed to arrive at the destination you both want.
Do this individually frst. After you each complete your list, come back together and create a shared
vision. (This is adapted from Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.)
Think about couples you know, or have seen, who have a solid, fulflling marriage. What makes them
successful? (You can also imagine what a perfect marriage might be like.) Think about sports or work
teams that have the most success and the qualities, attitudes and behaviors that make them successful.
Now, make a Iist of your main ingredients for a happy, Iasting marriage and a strong team --
the kind of marriage you want to create together. (Make sure you include those vaIues that were
important to both of you in the previous activity.)
Discuss your lists and combine all the ingredients you agree on into a common vision and blueprint for
your own marriage. (f you disagree on some, as many couples do, just put a line at the bottom of the
ones you agree on and list those you don't agree. They are still important.)
Keep the combined vision somewhere where you both see it often. (It's also nice to honor your
vision for your marriage by putting it in a nice font, border, etc. to make it a special document.)
Use this as your compass. Each week think of a way you personally can bring more of this into
your marriage -- even if it is in little steps! Then, DO IT!
ACTVTY FOR LATER {or NOWl}: 8uccessful Marriage nterviews
Each of you fnd a couple who you know to have a happy, lasting marriage.
Tell them you want to learn from their experience (they will be fattered that you ask!).
Interview the husband and wife separateIy to nd out:
how they have been successful,
what lessons they have learned,
what they love most about their marriage,
what has been a hard part and how have they worked through it,
what advice they would pass on to you, etc.
(add your own questions!)
Take notes and then come back and share with each other what you have learned.
Talk about any of those things you want to be part of your own marriage.
Keep your notes with your Vision for a Happy Marriage
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There are many defnitions of relationship. My favorite is from Martin Buber's book, I and Thou, about deep
relationship.
He described relationship as 'the 'space between' whether it is between two people, groups, countries, between
us and the environment, or us and the Divine or the Universe. That 'space between' includes not just the physical
space, but also the emotional and intellectual space, the moral and/or spiritual space (even if you are not religious),
the sexual space and the quality of energy in the space. t is part of what makes the sense of an 'US' in a
relationship. t is like the air around us that we breathe into us and that we breathe back out to the surrounding air.
That 'space between' is a sacred space.
t can be the space of deepest love and connection between two human
beings, especially when we are present to the other without thinking of
what they can do for us or provide for us. Most people can think of a
moment in relationship with a spouse, friend, or even a stranger, in which
they felt connected not only to the depths of that person in that particular
moment, but also to something bigger.
Whether you call
that God, Nature,
the Force, or some
other name, it
is a profound sense of something more or bigger than just
ourselves. Those moments of true connection allow us to taste
the experience of Connection in the biggest sense.
You constantIy co-create the cIimate of that 'space between', the 'US', of the marriage or reIationship.
n every waking moment, each of you creates the quality or climate of that relationship space by everything you do,
everything you say, everything you fail to do or say, and the way you do or say things. Each moment you are putting
things in that space that either:
a) nurtures it, supports it, strengthens it, cleans it, OR
b) pollutes it, weakens it, makes it distressful
Pouting, yelling, withdrawing, refusing to talk, criticism, sarcasm, discounting your partner's concern or opinion and
many other things create a negative climate. Affection, consideration, appreciation, holding each other, connecting,
laughter, fun, relaxing, doing fun things together, working as a team, and many other things create a positive
climate.
Creating the climate of the space between happens whether you are as close as making love, or 2000 miles apart
on a business trip. For example, if you are at a business meeting and go to a strip club, or firt with someone at
the bar, or complain about your partner, you put something negative into the space--even if your partner technically
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'never fnds out'. t shifts something in the quality of your relationship. You relate to him or her differently. f you talk
positively about your spouse and how grateful you are for him or her, you also shift the climate, but in a positive way.
You can also put negative things into that space that might not even be about the two of you. For example, maybe
you are stressed because you have so much to do the next day at work. Your partner asks, "Honey, would like to
go out to dinner tonight instead of cooking?" You snap back, "Fine, whatever." With your tone, you put something
negative in the space. Then your partner might think, "Well excuse me, I was just trying to give you a break." And
then more junk goes into the space. Or, you may be worried about your parents, but instead of sharing it, you just
withdraw. You put something disconnecting and negative in the space. (Even if you can't talk about something right
away, let your partner know and let them know how best to support you right now. ) You can even bring negativity
into your marriage space by hanging around negative, cynical people or people who do not support or value
honesty, responsibility, commitment and your relationship with your spouse. You can have positive fun with others,
but make sure what you are doing does not put distress into your space.
You aIso create the cIimate by what you repeatedIy think about each other.
For example, if you repeatedly think your partner is 'selfsh', you will look for evidence to support your thoughtand
you will likely fnd it! Each time he or she has a different opinion or wants to go to a different restaurant or movie,
you say to yourself ,"See? Look how selfsh he/she is!" You put that belief into the space and it changes how
you relate to your partner. Because we tend to mentally rehearse many of our thoughts, rehearsing the negative
assumptions about your partner will damage your relationship climate. t will also increase the frequency of your
interpreting behaviors in a negative way even when that is not your partner's intention.
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SOME OF WHAT CREATES THE CLIMATE OF YOUR SPACE:
!:
The Bad News & Good News About Creating the CIimate of Your ReIationship Space:
BAD News about Creating the CIimate:
When you don't pay attention to what you are putting into the space, it is very easy for a lot of distress
and negativity to build up, almost without realizing it.
As little distresses build up, you become more easily frustrated, hurt or angry about little things. You
react to them and even more distress builds up.
As distress builds, you feel more and more disconnected (which also adds to the distress!)
Often when see couples in my offce, it is not because of a dramatic event, but because of a gradual build- up of
distress in that space, little by little without realizing it. The things both partners have done to try to make it better
(which usually means the ways they have tried to protect themselves or get their needs met) have often just
added more distress. Then it feels more and more hopeless.
NO ONE wants to live in distress!
At some point, one or both of you wiII NOT want to be in the marriage anymore if:
a) you don't pay attention and take compIete responsibiIity for what YOU put into the space.
b) you don't Iearn effective ways to prevent and to work with the distress that does faII into the
space.
You are responsible for your OWN behavior no matter what your partner does or fails to do. Practice
effective ways to work with frustrations. Blaming, shaming, withdrawing, yelling are not. Blaming is making
yourself into a victim. You may be frustrated with your partner's behavior, but look at your part in the situation
and work to become a better partner and a better person. Learn to communicate about the frustrating behaviors
in a way that does not attack, but that helps your partner understand the impact on you. When they understand,
they can make small changes that can have powerful results. When what you try is not working to change the
climate to a more positive direction, GET HELP! There is much more hope and help for repairing and renewing
a marriage than what people think even when the couple thinks it is hopeless. The sooner you get help, the
easier it is to work through and change things, and the less time it takes. Don't wait until one or both of you is
'just over it' and stops wanting to try.
GOOD News about Creating the CIimate of your ReIationship 'Space':
The fact that you are constantly creating the climate is also the GOOD news! When you pay attention to
what YOU are putting into the space, you always have the choice and power to shape the climate of your
relationship and shift it in a more positive direction. Happy marriages and relationships come from consciously
and intentionaIIy creating the kind of relationship space, the kind of marriage you WANT, instead of waiting
around and hoping it just happens by itself or that your partner fnally changes. Put good stuff into your
space reguIarIy -- fun, caring behaviors, romance, Iaughter. Honor the 'space between', the 'US' of your
marriage/reIationship. Protect it. Nurture it. BuiId it. FEED it with positive words and actions. Learn how
to cIean out the distress that sometimes gets in it.
The best news is that you always have the power to make it more of what you both want by focusing on your
own behavior. Many times people feel like they have lost love. t is usually because they are not doing anything
loving or fun and they have not cleaned up distress.
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Noticing what you put into the space is the frst step in taking charge of the quality of your relationship.
Think back over the past 6-7 days.
What are some positive things you said or did that added to a positive climate in the space between?
What are some of the negative things you may have done or said that might have added a little bit of
distress into the space (whether you meant for them to or not!)?
Own up to your partner and apologize for any negative things you put into the space.
Think about one way you want to focus on putting more positive in the space over the next week and
DO it!!
Repeat this activity WEEKLY!!!!!
!C
HONORINS THE 'SPACE' OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP|
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- bring us deeper connection or disconnection?
- creute emotionuI sufety or Iuck of sufety?
- heIp us both reuch our vision of u huppy murriuge?
- communicute my respect und cherishing of my purtner?
!G
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1) There are 4 major factors that predict a 90% chance of divorce if they become patterns in your mar-
riage:
a) Cycles of criticizing and blaming the other person.
b) Defensiveness.
c) Stonewalling (refusing to talk about issues--different from a 'time out').
d) Contempt or disdain for partner.
2) Lack of fun and play.
3) ncreasing loss of time together.
4) Mindreading:
a) assuming you know what the other is really thinking, feeling, intending, etc.
b) expecting the other to know what you need, want and when you need or want it without
you telling him/her specifcally. (Often this sounds like, "Well, if you truly loved me, you
would know that _________.")
5) 'Personalizing' everything and feeling like you have to defend yourself. (This is common -- see why
in the section on Stages of Relationship: The Struggle for Protection)
6) Believing that your partner should just 'know' you love him or her just by the fact that you are mar-
ried to them or help support them fnancially. Love must be shown through actions--it doesn't need to
be big, but needs to be ongoing.
7) Demanding, playing 'the boss' of your partner or the relationship.
8) Doing things behind your partner's back or hiding something because you know it is wrong, or be-
cause you know he or she will not like it. Secrecy is always a red fag.
Lying, and other forms of dishonesty weaken or destroy trust.
9) Getting stuck in hopelessness.
10) Nagging, criticizing and discounting (making what your spouse thinks, feels, or needs unimportant
or invalid).
11) Waiting too long to get help. (Very often you can still repair it even at the point of divorce, but the
work is harder and sometimes takes longer because of all the hurt that has built up on both sides.)
What makes it truly hopeless is when one has totally given up and doesn't even want to make the
slightest effort to repair or renew it.
!N
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Couples go through predictable stages in marriage, and sometimes even before marriage. Even in the happiest
marriages, you will revisit all the stages throughout your marriage and need information and tools to help return
you to the real love that you both want. Just knowing that the stages are normal, and that there are ways to move
to the higher stages, can help you know where you are and what you need to do.
We've all heard jokes about marriage ruining a perfectly good relationship.
Why does something that starts out feeling so good seem to go downhill once you take that step of
commitment?
One reason is that relationships go through predictable stages, although the intensity may vary from person to
person and couple to couple. You may notice that relationships with friends, a boss, a job, or an adopted child
may follow a similar pattern -- everything seems wonderful and then the "honeymoon is over. Frustrations or hurt
feelings begin to grow. n marriage or in a deeply committed love relationship, these stages take on new intensity.
There is much more at stake when we make a commitment to spend our lives together to love and be loved.
Take a look at the basic stages:
8tage : Romantic Love: {Loving Under the nhuence}
The Romantic Love stage often feels so good that you want it to last forever.
n fact, you expect it to last forever! n a new job or a new love, everything
seems perfect at frst. When you see things that you don't like, you might
deny or at least minimize them. You tend to go above and beyond what is
required or expected. You feel energized, alive, and flled with new hopes.
t feels like FNALLY you have found 'the one'. n romantic relationships,
your heart is flled with love and you know that this person loves you. You
both fnd many ways to show your love. When you're apart, you are thinking
of one another. Everything feels right. Some people feel a sense of fnally 'being home' or
of being 'complete'.
What we now know through research is that not only is your heart full of love, but your brain is fooded with feel-
good neurochemicals like dopamine and PEA (phenylethylamine (pronounced 'fennel ethel a meen). The increase
varies from person to person. Chemically, PEA belongs to a class of drug similar to amphetamines. However, the
effect it has on behavior is similar to that of an endorphin. Like most endorphins, PEA increases energy, feelings of
well being, positive outlook, and diminishes pain. t also increases sexual desire. f you usually tend to be anxious,
PEA may help you feel safe and calm. f you are usually depressed, you might have more energy and see things
more positively. You believe that it is this other person that brings out the best in you and at last you've found your
soulmate! n some ways, you are loving 'under the infuence!' So, enjoy it if you are in this stage!! t is also the time
when we glimpse the essence of the other because his or her defenses are down and that core person that is the
best in them is the one with whom we fall in love.
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What are 3 ways you can bring more romance and fun into your relationship/marriage?
What is 1 new way you can spice up your relationship in a positive way?
Start doing it! ConsciousIy bring 1 more romantic, positive thing into your marriage each week!
!b
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like to call this stage, " The Invitation to Growth." One of the biggest illusions in our
society is that Romantic Love will last forever, if you just fnd the right partner. We hear
that love is supposed to continue happening 'naturally' and if you have to 'work' on it, it
must not be real love. These illusions are one of the reasons our divorce rate remains
so high! When people get stuck in this Stage , they begin to think they are with the
wrong person. n fact, another name for this is the stage of DisiIIusionment.
One reason for disillusionment is that PEA production begins to decline. Because we
see the other person as the source of our good feelings, we blame them when we
don't feel as good! Each person puts little distresses in the 'space' and fail to clean
them up. The climate begins to shift, leading to a sense of disconnection. Of course,
we think it is their fault! Usually they are simply accidentally bumping into one or two
of our 'buttons' (unmet needs or hurtful things from our growing up). We get defensive
and our defensiveness bumps into their button. Confict grows.
n this stage, you might start feeling anxious or disappointed. Things you once liked
about your partner become sources of frustration and hurt feelings. You may ask
yourself, "What has happened to him/her/us? t feels like something has been lost.
What have you really lost? You've lost PEA bliss!!! Defenses come back up as
PEA diminishes and little bits of distress get into your 'space' and instead of
relating to a person, you are usually relating to a protective pattern, an armor.
t sometimes feels like love is dying. You begin thinking or saying things like: "If
you would just______, then everything would be great" OR, "Is this going to be
what the rest of my life is like?" You become adversaries instead of partners.
Frequently one or both partners engage in blame, criticism, sarcasm, put-downs,
or withdrawal and silence especially when they have not learned good skills for
handling confict.
Anger and resentment can build. Sometimes it feels as if you are walking on
eggshells. Little things seem so easily to turn into big things. Winning and being
right becomes more important than working together and co-creating the loving,
fulflling relationship you both want. Demonstrations of love, respect, appreciation
decline and might even disappear--frst from neglect, and then because of hurt
feelings. f enough distress builds up, you may just avoid your partner as much
as you can. Or, you may turn to someone else, to work, to children, or to some
other person or thing to attempt to meet your needs and avoid the distress. They
become 'exits' and only add to the problem. Having tools to work through this
stage is essential.
For some couples, this stage can get to the point of desperation where they think
they have tried everything they know and it seems the only option is to get out --temporarily or permanently. Too
many couples give in to hopelessness and despair at this stage. Moreover, often well-meaning friends or family
encourage you to get rid of your partner. Other couples just try to cope with it, resigning themselves to a workable
living arrangement. Some stay together because of the kids, or because they are afraid people will judge them, or
because of fnancial concerns, and end up living in the same house disconnected from one another.
GOOD NEWS! You are not meant to Iive in proIonged distress! That is NOT what marriage or any kind of
committed relationship is meant to be! This stage, and the many times you will visit it in your marriage, can be the
door to a more fulflling relationship and your growth as an individual --IF. . . you learn and use some of the tools to
transform it into the path to real love.
Conict is growth trying to happen to help you and your partner realize more of your potential as individuals and
as a couple! Confict is NOT the problem. What you do or don't do with it is usually the bigger problem! Finding a
new partner does not solve the 'problem' either . . . .because your journey to healing and growth needs to happen
and you will, for the most part, recreate the same 'problems' and climate in other relationships. You also take your
same buttons, your same protective behaviors no matter who you are with.
!Y
8+#&' IIIH f-,2='@&' #-@ P2#$'-'00 H
This is the stage in which you not only recognize that your relationship can be more than it is, but also that you
have the power to make real changes. You choose to become conscious and intentional, and begin a whole new
chapter in co-creating the relationship you both dreamed of.
While one or both of you may continue to feel anxious, confused, afraid, and may resist
making some of the changes, you consciously need to take charge as partners of the
direction of your happiness as a couple. You do that best by taking charge of your
own behavior whether or not your partner does. You start intentionally learning how to
become the right partner and more of the kind of human being YOU want to be. You
both work to meet each other's needs and acknowledge your partner's efforts. AND,
you go back to your list of values and those 'ingredients' that you want to have in your
marriage. USE them to navigate, especially when you feel lost or what you are doing
is not working well.
n this stage, when you use good communication skills, you can gain new information
and insights about yourself, about your partner, and about the nature of marriage or
relationship. You discover the hurts, fears and unmet needs that are the roots of confict. You fnd more
effective ways to address the REAL problems, not just the symptoms.
A few things to help you in this stage:
1) Use some of the communication skills in this program.
2) Go back to your blueprint of values and the ingredients you want in your marriage.
3) Focus on your OWN behavior. Look at some of the things you do that are not helpful to the relationship.
What are you putting into the relationship climate? Does it cultivate the relationship or pollute it? Then begin
taking one step at a time to change those things that don't cultivate it.
4) Read books that explain some of the information and tools. Some that recommend are included in the
Resource Section of this program. You may also want to visit the Relationship Success Bookstore ( www.
reIationshipjourney.com/reIationshipbooks.htmI ) for more books and CDs.
5) Attend a Getting the Love You Want workshop (see info on my Website www.reIationshipjourney.com/
gettingtheIoveyouwant.htmI). They are given all over the world by various presenters.
6) f you belong to a spiritual community, check with them for programs, groups, or retreats for couples.
7) f you need help, schedule a few sessions with a counselor who focuses on teaching skills. A certifed
mago Relationship Therapist is trained to do just that. You can fnd one at the international offce in their
Imago Therapist Directory. However, there are many other counselors who use other approaches that are
also very effective. (Click here for more info about mago Relationship Therapy.)
8+#&' I]H ;$#-0>,$J#+%,-
n this stage, you consciously practice the new skills you are learning here about communication. You stretch into
new behaviors to help meet your partner's needs, even if it feels unnatural in the beginning. You create emotional
safety. You become partners in the healing and growth of the relationship, yourself and your partner. You hold in
your mind and heart the vision of the relationship you want and you work each day to make it a
reality. You also fnd that you are realizing your potential more in other parts
of your life.
8+#&' ]H O'#= 5,K'
This is the stage of deep respect and cherishing of one another as
separate and unique individuals without losing the sense of connection. t
is a stage of joy, passion, intimacy, happiness and having fun together. t
is the stage of living out the vision of true partnership, unconditional love
and safety, and of coming to see your partner as your best friend. t is the
stage of moving toward the spiritual potential of committed relationship
the journey toward wholeness, the love in which you taste Bigger Love in
whatever way you imagine or language that.
!X
This Real Love is possible for you if you are both willing to do the work it requires. Don't
settle for distress. Don't throw away your relationship because it feels uncomfortable
or diffcult or pushes you out of your comfort zone toward growth. (Certainly, if you
are in a physically abusive relationship, you need to protect yourself and your children
and there are many groups to help you. See the Resource List in this program. ) But
remember, most divorces and breakups of committed relationships do not need to
happen.
You CAN make marriage or your committed relationship a gift for yourself, your partner, and your children.
What a legacy to leave them, their future families and your world!
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As said, one of the primary ways you create the climate of your that space between you is through communication,
or the lack of it. t is also vital to move through the Stages that repeat themselves throughout your life together.
Even people who think they are good communicators, or have been trained in communication, often fnd that
communication in a love relationship becomes much more of a challenge because we have so much of ourselves
invested in it. People who can communicate well about most things fnd themselves unsuccessful in communicating
about confict.
The problems that arise in marriage are primarily caused by, or aggravated by, ineffective communication about the
ways you bump into each other's unmet needs and tender, vulnerable places. When you have good communication
and ways of building and repairing connection, you have the foundation to work through almost any problem or
challenge you may encounter, no matter what it's about. t could be about sex, money, children, housekeeping
anything! HOW you talk about it is much more important than what you actually talk about! With a commitment
to building true partnership and using good communication skills, you can come up with solutions that honor both
people.
There are 3 main areas of communication to keep in mind:
1. Communication for information & teamwork
2. Communication for connection
3. Communication to work through conict
Before we talk about each of these, want to point out a
couple of things that block good communication and that
cause couples to get derailed.
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Not making time / rushing through
important conversations
Letting work, TV, family, friends, chores come frst or
interrupting alone time or important talk time.
Rushing only adds to the stress and reactivity of the
moment.
![
Bad communication Habits Blaming, criticizing
nterrupting partner
Rolling eyes and other nonverbal signals
"You always . . . ". "You never . . . ."
Discounting, dismissing, minimizing what your partner
says.
Making the other person 'wrong' or 'bad' because he or
she disagrees with you.
Raising your voice.
Refusing to talk.
Thinking of your response before your partner fnishes
speaking.
Turning on the TV.
Failing to turn off cellphones.
Answering the telephone.
Thinking you already know what the person is going to
say and switching off your attention.
Finishing someone's sentence for them.
And MANY more!
Assuming the worst about your partner's
behaviors and motives
Telling yourself that he or she did or said what they did
because:
"She/he really doesn't love me . . ."
"He's trying to control me . . ."
"She won't let me be my own person"
"I'm not important to my partner"
"She/he is just self-centered . . . "

TaIking about surface detaiIs Focusing the conversation on the surface is OK for
casual comments and everyday conversation. However,
when you need to talk about something important,
including confict, you need to speak in a way that lets
your partner see inside you -- to your thoughts, feelings,
and what the experience was like for you. Otherwise,
they don't understand and think, "so what? Without
understanding, you will rarely get changes in behavior.
We all need to learn how our behavior affects our partner
-- positively or negatively. We want to be positive and
are much more motivated to change behavior when we
understand why we have a negative impact.
Introvert/Extrovert Differences See the chart beIow
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n addition to poor communication habits, there is something else that can get in the way of good communication
if you are unaware of it and don't know how to work with it. The differences are not good or bad. t's just part of
how different people process information and talk about it. While people think of ntrovert and Extrovert as how
outgoing a person is, or how much they like to be around people, it is more. We frequently process differently at
work than at home. Usually the way you process at home shows your basic preference.
Understanding and working with the differences in Introverts and Extroverts can go a long way in improving
your communication, and actually help avoid some confict.
:Q
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Views talking primarily as giving information not
connection.
Views talking as emotional connection as well as
information. Conversation helps them feel included and
informed.
Observes and decides within. Thinks about most
thing inside, then may give a few sentences.
Sometimes does not even think to say what he/
she is thinking about..
Talking S thinking. Almost always want to do it out loud
with someone.
Tends to refect before making decisions and
sometimes just announce them without including
others in his or her processing of the decision.
Decides more quickly, but can change decisions more
frequently as they continue talking about it with others.
Reacts and rehearses inside. Loves interaction.
Usually listens instead of talks. Usually would rather talk than listen, but wants partner to
talk in depth, especially about inner process, thoughts,
feelings, concerns, etc.
Does things "on a mission. Can wander and be interested in several things on the
way to what planned to do or buy.
Needs time and space for self. Recharges alone. Energized by people and action, sometimes drained by
too much time alone.
A lot of talk or stimulation can quickly feel
overwhelming.
Quiet feels like disconnection and abandonment.
Tends to have a few close friends rather than
many.
May have a few close friends, but tends to have many
more friends and social relationships with others.
Conserves energy. Expends energy.
Does not easily express verbal affection or
appreciation.
Usually needs more verbal and overt signs of affection or
appreciation. Often easier for them to express it as well.
Thinks about confict and decides about it, but
often doesn't express it.
Sees confict as something to be discussed thoroughly
and immediately.
Comes across to others as uncaring, withdrawn,
distant, or even secretive even when they are
not!
Comes across as controlling, intrusive, demanding even
when they are not.
One is not better than the other just different. However, ntroverts and Extroverts tend to be attracted to each other.
f that is true for you, for a long-term relationship, it is helpful for each to come a
little more into balance. Here are a few steps you can take that will help and yet
still allow you to be who you are.
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Ask a question about your partner's life, day, plans, hopes, dreams, fears and
then listen with curiosity.
Offer one idea or feeling about something being discussed.
Tell your partner one thing that happened at work and what you thought and
felt about it. Tell not just what you did, but what it was like for you inside.
That's what an Extrovert needs and wants to know (in close relationships).
After you've thought about a decision or plan to do something, tell your
partner a summary of what you have been thinking and why you think your
plan or decision is a good one. t also helps just to let them know you are
thinking about the issue, but are not yet ready to talk about it.
nstead of avoiding a partner's (or other person's) question, say you need to
think about it and you will get back to them at a specifc time. . . .and make
sure you DO it!!
When you are listening, mindfully bring your attention to the person repeatedly with curiosity. (Otherwise, you
:!
tend to go inside to think about it or something else and they experience you as not present to them, not paying
attention, or not caring.)
At work, or in other situations ask for an agenda or the topic to be discussed ahead of time, so you can have some
time to think about it and then contribute.
When you need to be alone or veg out, tell others around you "I need to just veg or be alone for about (how long)
and then I'll check back in with you." MAKE yourself check in later with the person!
Push yourself to say more about some of your thoughts and feelings, even before they are completely processed.
Let people see inside you a little bit what you think, feel don't leave them guessing all the time open a
window by saying something about what's inside. You can say " haven't fgured all this out yet, but just want to
let you know 'm thinking about . . . . and here's where am at this point.
Learn some sentence stems to help you express yourself in various situations. Examples:
"When you do. . . ., I think it means. . . . . and then I end up feeling . . . . " OR "When . . . . .happens, the way it
impacts me is. . . . and what would be more helpful to me is. . . because. . . ."
"One thing I liked about what you said (or did) was . . . . . and the reason I liked it was. . . ."
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Practice listening WTHOUT interrupting or asking questions. Give them space to talk, even if there are pauses. f
you jump in, the ntrovert stops talking and the conversation essentially ends.
Ask a person if it's a good time to talk. "Can I take 5 minutes to talk to you about ___________?"
Respect it when the ntrovert says he or she needs to think about it. Give them time and space. When you have a
question, ask if they need time to think about it before getting back to you
f they don't offer a time frame to get back, ask when they can get
back to you or when they can sit down and talk. (Then if they don't
come back at that time, gently ask again if it is a good time. f not, ask
if you can do it at a specifc time).
Let an introvert know if you are just thinking out loud or if you want
them to do something immediately as a result of what you say.
Focus on one idea at a time. Save other topics for another time.
Pause. See if you've been understood. (Ask the other, "Can you
summarize the main points of what I've said before you respond?" )
Do the same for them when they talk before you disagree.
Less can sometimes be more . . . . you will lose an ntrovert if
you go on too much or explain too much.
Talk less about specifc details and more about the impact on you or what YOU need to do.
When you know you want to talk to someone about something, take a few minutes and think what you most want
them to understand. Try giving the core of your thought or opinion in not more than 2-3 sentences to start, pause,
breathe, and then say any other important elements (limit to 2-3).
Learn some sentence stems to help you focus yourself in various situations. Examples:
"When you do. . . ., I think it means. . . . . and then I end up feeling . . . . " OR "When . . . .
.happens, the way it impacts me is. . . . and what would be more helpful to me is. . . because. . . ."
OR After you talk a little, say "The main point I want you to understand is . . . ."
::
Back to the 3 main areas of communication:
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When you are single, most often you go where you want to go, when you want to go, with whom you want to go
without consulting anyone. Your thinking and your actions are almost entirely about you. Even for couples who
have lived together, sometimes there is still a mindset of being single in the same house. But now you are making a
commitment to consider your partner and the marriage you are building together. Remember there is now a YOU-
ME - US, (page 10 ) each of which needs to be taken into consideration. You are a team.
Communication for information means that you take your partner, what he or she thinks, feels, needs, and wants,
into consideration. You think about the impact your behavior and your decisions will have on him or her and your
relationship. As a team you need to coordinate plans and decisions. For example, if your mother calls and wants you
to come over Sunday for lunch, instead of just saying "yes, talk about it with your partner frst. nstead of telling
your buddies "of course I'll meet you for golf on Saturday, or "yes, we'll join you Friday night", talk with your partner.
You will save yourselves a lot of unnecessary confict!
t's not about asking permission, it's about:
including one another in decisions and plans.
taking the other into consideration as well as yourself.
fnding creative ways to work around differing needs and desires.
letting your partner know that his/her needs, desires, feelings, thoughts matter to you.
Keep your partner informed of upcoming events, decisions you are thinking about or need to make, plans, what is
happening in your life and work. (f you live with an Extrovert, this is even more important!) Let your partner into
your life and into YOU. Think cooperation. Try to support one another, but also know that sometimes you are going
to want different things at the same time and sometimes you are going to want some 'alone' time (even more so if
you are an ntrovert!). Be creative. Work toward win-win creative solutions that will address both partners' needs
and desires as much as possible. However, in spite of your best efforts, you may still sometimes fnd yourselves in
confict which requires additional skills that 'll address in a moment.
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As said earlier, emotional intimacy is vital to a happy, lasting marriage and most often, to a vibrant sexually intimate
life as well. Learning to build and deepen that requires:
Presence physical and emotional.
Attention, focus, intentionality and curiosity (a big part of 'presence').
Skills for speaking and listening.
Valuing of your partner, your own experience, and your relationship.
Physical connection that does not always have to lead to sex.
What is 'intimacy' anyway?
ntimacy is allowing someone to see inside of you your thoughts,
feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, concerns, your experiencewhat things
(events, people, words, etc.) are like for you, how they affect you inside.
ntimacy is also the curiosity, interest and desire to see into the other
person, to continue to discover more and more of the depths of their
being. (Some of the discussion questions in this course are a good
way to see more deeply inside one another.)
This is often harder for one of the partners (often men, but sometimes
women) because of how they have been raised. But learning the skills
can lead to a much happier marriage, more sexual connection, and more
support.
ntimacy creates closeness, compassion, bonding, the experience of
connection and feelings of love.
:C
First Steps in Good Communication for Important Things, IncIuding Conict:
A few main ruIes:
Tell your partner that you want to talk about something important to you, and ASK if this is a good time. (f at all
possible, make time.) But sometimes it isn't the right time and if not, tell
your partner a specifc time within the next 24 hour period that you will
meet with him/her to talk. KEEP YOUR COMMTMENT! f you just start
talking without letting your partner know that it is important, they likely will
not give you full attention or listen carefully.
One person speaks at a time and talks about his or her OWN internal
experience.
The other listens with curiosity and tries to understand from the
viewpoint of stepping into the person's shoes.
Listener:
1. Be genuinely curious about what's going on inside your partner. Don't
assume you already know everything.
2. Listen without interrupting, commenting, or asking questions. Listen
with interest even if you are not interested in the 'topic', be interested
in your partner and curious about why this is important to him/her. Don't
make it all about you or get caught up in what it means for you, how it
impacts you, whether or not you agree or disagree. Self-focused listening
will keep you disconnected. Focus on understanding your PARTNER and
what it's like for them.
3. You will notice that other things come into your head as you are listening thoughts, opinions, responses,
judgments (positive or negative), your own experiences, etc. t will happen AND you need to practice consciously
moving that aside temporarily so that you can hear your partner without it getting all mixed up with YOUR views,
feelings, etc. like to think of it as movies playing. The speaker is playing his or her 'movie' about this subject or
experience. Your 'movie' clicks on. But if you don't put it aside or imagine pushing a big PAUSE button on your own
movie, it will be like trying to see and hear two movies playing at the same time on the same screen. Neither one is
heard well or understood. t is hard in the beginning, but practice it, especially when anyone, not only your partner,
is talking about anything that seems important to them. Just keep bringing your focus back to his or her eyes as you
listen with curiosity.
4. To help yourself do that, periodically summarize a piece of what you're hearing, and ask if you're getting it. (Say
something like 'let me see if I'm getting it all. . . . then summarize . . . and ask 'Did I get the essence of it?" f
so, ask " is more about that" (or, "tell me more. . . ') Listen, and then summarize that piece. By summarizing
chunks at a time, using the other person's words as much as possible, not only do you have to put your 'movie'
aside, you are also helping them know what you are getting. Listening to someone this way often helps the speaker
become clearer in what they really want you to understand.
t takes patience and effort to build this skill. Think of it as working to build a muscle you haven't used in a long time.
You will get better in time and it will take less effort.
You give your partner (or anyone you listen to this way) an enormous gift by giving full attention and interest in him
or her and by giving him/her a chance to speak without interrupting or putting your reaction or response in before you
have made sure that they know you 'get' them.
When they have said all that they want to say, then respond with your thoughts, ideas, feelings, experience, what it
is like for YOU. Own your words as YOUR thoughts or YOUR experience. Do not focus on making the other person
'wrong' or trying to convince them about the rightness of your view. Just offer your concerns and hopes.
:G
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Pick a quiet pIace where you can sit face to
face, heart to heart. PRINT THIS PAGE &
USE AS YOUR GUIDE
Decide who wiII be the rst speaker.
Take a deep breath. ReIax. Remember
this is about connection, about opening your
hearts to each other, not just about information
and details.
TeII your partner about your most 'spirituaI'
experience (it doesn't have to be reIigious).
(Or you can tell him/her about a time you felt
most connected to nature or another person,
or one of the truly special moments in your
life.) These skills will help you talk about
important things, and about confict. Practice building your skills with positive topics which are easier and
more fun!
Practice speaking and showing your partner the inside of you. As the speaker you might want to
include the following sentences to help you focus and deepen your communication & connection:
One of the most spiritual or special experiences Ive
had is . . . .
Tell why :
What it was like for me was . . .
What touched me the most about it was . . . .
The message it gave me was. . . . . . .
And I ended up feeling . . . .
And what that message or feelings remind me of
growing up is . . . . .
And the way that happened in my family was . . .
And what that was like for me as a kid was. . . .
(f nothing about this feels familiar growing up, it's OK. You
may have even had the opposite experience. f so, tell that.
Sometimes it may take you to another relationship before you
met your partner. Get into the habit of putting this sentence
in when you are sharing with your partner.) Sometimes it's
something you or your partner have never connected before.
Practice Iistening with curiosity and
fascination.
(Resist your temptation to judge, interrupt,
comment, or question!)
OccasionaIIy summarize the main points
every once in a while as the speaker continues.
Ask if you got it, and if so, say "teII me more".
(t is not a test!)
You won't get everything. f you missed
something important, the speaker can say it
again if it is important to him or her.
When the speaker is compIeteIy nished teII-
ing his or her story,
thank them for telling you. f there was some-
thing you liked or could relate to, tell that. Ask
any questions that you want. But again, listen
without interrupting.
:N
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We all tend to have certain expectations of our roles and responsibilities as men and women, as husband and
wife, and as parents. Often two people getting married have different expectations because our expectations are
shaped by our cultures, religions, education, our own parents, and other experiences and values. Having different
expectations is OK, as long as you fnd good ways to communicate and work with those differences. Unspoken
expectations can be sources of frustration, disappointment and ultimately, confict.
NV!H IA;WO]IW9 LFcO )PO;AWO FA OF5W8 T OW8)FA8ISI5I;IW8H
Use these questions as a guide to explore your partner's expectations -- practice becoming a better listener and a
better communicator of your thoughts, feelings and experience. Do the interview completely before switching and
having your partner interview you.
What are the messages you got from your parents about the roles of husband and wife in a marriage?
What do YOU think the role of the wife in marriage is?
What do YOU think the role of the husband is?
What are some of the main things you see as shared responsibilities?
What is one of the concerns you have about our roles and responsibilities in marriage?
What is one of your hopes that you have for us in terms of our roles or responsibilities?
What are your expectations about keeping the house clean?
What are your pet peeves about living together in the same space?
How do you think we should handle household & yard chores when we both are busy during the day
with work, school or caring for children?
How would you like me to approach you if you agree to take care of a chore and either get busy or
forget to follow through?
How can we set things up so neither one of us is nagging the other?
S4 .DI51OWA T )POWA;IAEH
The topic of children and parenting is a course in and of itself, as is how you bring together a blended family. urge
you to look at the resources at the end of the course or search online for good information. do want to mention a
few things.
No matter how excited a couple may be about having their frst child, it dramatically impacts the marriage for a
while and is considered a crisis point in marriage. Some of the reasons it throws even good marriages into crisis
are the following, even though everyone is different:
a) Pregnancy is a time of tremendous changes in a woman's body, even before you can see them. Hormone
levels change. Mood can change. Sometimes women become more irritable about little things. They may
feel tired and unable to keep up with some of what they have been doing. Other women work and have energy
up until the time they go into labor. Be sure that you go to classes and read about what to expect so that you
can support each other through the process.
b) When the child is born, he or she will require 24 hour attention 7 days a week. Both of you will be
exhausted. All energy is focused on caring for the baby and other things, including each other, are frequently
neglected.
:b
believe it is very important for fathers to be involved throughout the entire process and be very active in
caring for the baby after birth as well. Don't worry, nurses and classes will help you! The more you partner
together, the better it will be for the child and your bonding to them, the more relief you give each other, and
the more the father will feel included. One of the crisis factors is that men often feel left out. The baby is
more important than they are and no attention or care is coming their way. nvolvement helps. t is vital that
you set times to re-connect, to have time together, even if it is in short periods. f you have family and friends
around, use them to give you a night off once in a while to go to dinner or a movie. Do extra little caring
things for one another -- thank you notes, appreciations, fowers or some other little thoughtful gift, touch,
hugs, etc.
c) Changes in levels of sexual desire and some physical discomfort can put a big damper on your sex life
during pregnancy and after. Some changes are hormonal. Some are the physical changes in the body.
Some are related to exhaustion and lack of energy for it. Find out about sex during pregnancy and also talk
about and experiment with ways of being sensual and sexual together that don't include intercourse (this
can be benefcial for any couple at any time!)
The birth of a child is a wondrous event. Focus on being true partners during the process. Find little ways to take
care of yourself and each other. Learn how to be good parents and partners. Get help when you can and you
should do fne.
f one of you already has children, know that it takes children a while to accept the new person coming into their
life, no matter what their age. Children sometimes want their other biological parent that they have lost through
death or divorce. Sometimes they feel disloyal to their biological parent if they accept the new parent. On my
website www.relationshipjourney.com there are several articles on children, divorce and how parents can help or
hurt. Books, articles and classes on step-parenting can help you learn some of the normal stages and needs.
NV:H IA;WO]IW9 LFcO )PO;AWO FA .DI51OWA \#-@ 8;W)V.DI51OWA^
Use these questions as a guide to explore your partner's views -- practice becoming a better listener and a better
communicator of your thoughts, feelings and experience. Do the interview completely before switching and having
your partner interview you.
Do you want to have children together? Why or why not?
If you do, how soon do you want to have our hrst and what needs to be in place for you in order to be
ready?
What happens if there is an unplanned pregnancy?
What is your biggest fear about being a parent?
What do you think a good parent is like?
What is your view of disciplining children?
How were you disciplined growing up? What was good about it? What was negative about it?
How do you see the role and involvement of a mother?
How do you see the role and involvement of a father?
If your partner aIready has one or more chiIdren from a previous reIationship, ask the foIIowing for
each of their chiIdren, even if they are aduIt chiIdren:
What do you think is special about __(child's name)_______?
Where do you think he or she needs the most help from us as parents?
How do you want me to be a good parent to him/her?
:Y
C: FAMLY OF ORGN:
How you were raised by your parents and what you saw in their relationship affects how you relate to each other
and how you will parent your children. Some people had positive families that they want to use as models. Those
are all experiences of what says 'love' to them. Others have negative family patterns that they want to change so
that their child has something different. How we were raised, how we were shown love or not shown it, what we
did not get enough or got too much of, also are big pieces of what form our 'buttons' that we talked about earlier.
Again, exploring that could be a course in and of itself!
Another important piece to consider for couples is how you want to relate to your family and your partner's now in
your marriage.
5-3: NTERVEW YOUR PARTNER ON H8/HER FAMLY:
Describe your relationship with your mother as you were growing up -- positives and negatives:
Describe your relationship with your mother now as an adult:
Describe your relationship with your father as you were growing up -- positives and negatives:
Describe your relationship with your father now as an adult:
How did your parents show you love?
Describe your relationship with your siblings:
What are some of the best lessons and values you learned from your family?
What, if anything, would you want us to do differently as parents based on what you experienced in
your family?
How do you want our relationship as a couple to be with YOUR family?
What concerns, if any, do you have with your family and their relationship with us as a couple?
How do you want our relationship as a couple to be with MY family?
(Practice LISTENING, not reacting!)
What concerns, if any, do you have with my family and their relationship with us as a couple?
(Practice LISTENING, not reacting!)
D: FREND8 AND FORMER LOVE RELATON8HP8:
Another frequent area of confict is time and contact with friends and former loves. Sometimes a partner resents
the time spent with friends, especially if she or he feels like there is no real connection or presence with the
partner at home. Sometimes, a partner may have concerns about the character or behavior of your friends and
their infuence on you. People tend to get immediately defensive, but listen to what your partner is concerned
about without interrupting or jumping in to defend. Be curious. Take a few moments or more to think about
the truth of what they have said. Then think about how you might fnd ways to address their concerns -- either
in your relationship with your partner or in your relationship with your friends. f it's a problem for one of you,
it's a problem. That doesn't mean you have to do exactly what your partner wants, but it may mean building in
safeguards or strengthening your connection as a couple.
think it is healthy for couples to have both individual and shared friends. We all need to have friends that we
can do fun things that your partner doesn't enjoy now and then. Marriage does not mean being joined at the
hip. Having togetherness and space are equally important. Neither needs to be sacrifced for the other. Make
:X
a space for both together and apart time in your marriage. However, be sure to keep your partner informed about
who you plan to be with, what you plan to do and when you expect to be home. Honor it. f you are going to be late,
have consideration for your partner and let him or her know. Before you make plans for an evening or time on the
weekend, let your partner know ahead of time and check to see if it will work for both of you.
Friends of the opposite sex: This is a touchy area for couples and it is important to explore your thoughts about
it as a couple. f you build a strong marriage, you reduce the perceived 'threat' of opposite sex friends.Spend
time together as a married couple. Share your hopes, dreams, fears, what is going on in your life. Build a healthy
sexual relationship. Regularly appreciate and affrm your partner for what he/she does, how he/she looks, and what
you value about them. f those things are missing, you will almost always have grief about opposite sex friends.
Acceptance of opposite sex friends also depends on the nature of the relationship, how much time and attention you
give to it and whether you let your partner know when you spend time with the other person and what it was about.
A partner may be very accepting of one or more opposite sex friends and be very upset about another. Listen to
your partner's concerns. Look at yourself and your relationship with your spouse and with the other person honestly
and then make needed adjustments in your behavior. f opposite sex friends or coworkers text, email, telephone you
or contact you through social media sites, tell your partner. Do NOT keep it a secret! That betrays trust and sets
you up for trouble in more ways than one.
Danger signaIs in friendships:
Friends who do not share your core values and try to infuence you to compromise yours.
Friends who do illegal drugs, drink too much regularly or want you to do things you know you should not.
Friends who do not value and respect your marriage or the commitments and responsibilities of marriage.
Friends who regularly criticize or make sarcastic or discounting remarks about your marriage or your spouse.
Friends who don't value and respect their own marriage or love relationship or criticize their own spouse/partner.
'Friends' of the opposite sex who come on to you, firt with you, make inappropriate remarks that disrespect the
boundaries of your marriage and your fdelity to your spouse.
'Friends' of the opposite sex who send sexual content in e-mails, text, or telephone or send you suggestive
pictures of themselves.
Friends of the opposite sex that you fnd yourself thinking more and more about, fantasizing about, thinking about
sexually, etc. or who tell you that is happening for them.
5-4: NTERVEW YOUR PARTNER ABOUT FREND8:
Who are your 3 best friends and what are some of the things you like best about them?
What are the things you most like to do with them?
Who are the friends you think have the best impact on you and our marriage and why?
Who are the friends that you think have a negative impact on you and our marriage and why?
How do you want me to spend time or to interact with your friends?
What do you think is appropriate and inappropriate in a relationship with a friend of the opposite sex
once we are married?
Do you have good friends of the opposite sex?
If so, who, what is the nature of your relationship in the past and now?What contact do you have
with them now?
What do you want your relationship to be with my friends once we are married in terms of time,
activities, shared time as a couple, etc.?
What are some of the important things you have learned about positive relationships from your past
romantic relationships?
continued next page
:[
What are some things you have experienced in past romantic relationships that you never want to
have in our marriage?
Do you currently have relationships with anyone with whom you have had a past romantic
relationship? If so, what is the relationship like now?
What concerns, if any, do you have about any of my past romantic relationships?
What do you agree with or disagree with in the list of 'danger signals' in a relationship and why?
Are there other things YOU would consider possible 'danger signals'?
WH RcP5I;L ;I"W T "c;cP5 8c))FO;H
How much time spent together, the meaning of 'quality time', and how couples support one another are other
frequent areas of misunderstanding. Understanding yourself and your spouse can help you become good
partners to one another and build a strong sense of team. Many times see couples who are trying to spend
time or offer support only to be told by their spouse that they never do! Obviously that can lead to frustration
for both! Often it is because we tend to give in the way we want to receive and that is not always the way our
spouse needs connection or support. Each of you may need to stretch a little to help meet your partner's needs
as well as your own. Always think of it as an opportunity for your own growth and ability to come more into
balance in your life in some small way.
NVNH IA;WO]IW9 LFcO )PO;AWO PSFc; RcP5I;L ;I"W T "c;cP5 8c))FO;H
Use these questions as a guide to explore your partner's views -- practice becoming a better listener and a
better communicator of your thoughts, feelings and experience. Do the interview completely before switching and
having your partner interview you.
What are the best ways for me to show you support in your work and goals?
What are the best ways for me to show you support when you are having a bad day or going through
a hard time?
What is a good way for me to offer suggestions so that they do not come across as criticism?
What is the best way for me to express a different opinion so that it doesn't come across as
discounting your point of view?
What are 2 of your biggest dreams?
How might I help support you in accomplishing those dreams?
Are there other important ways for me to support you as a person or as a spouse?
What are a few personal goals you want to accomplish over the next 5 years?
What does 'spending quality time together" mean to you? (Give some examples.)
What are your thoughts about how we can spend fun time together, yet also have time and space for
ourselves as individuals?
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Chose an activity that you are fairly good at doing that your partner does not know how to do. Teach them,
paying attention to communicating with respect. (Examples: a dance move, cooking, playing chess, using a
computer program, golf, etc.) When you have fnished, think back about how you were as the 'teacher' or the
'student'. What do you think you did well and where do you think you might communicate more effectively or
respectfully? As the 'learner', what did your partner do well and what would have been more helpful?
Share your insights with your partner.
CQ
Chapter 6: Conhict {a form of communication for connectionl}

Even couples who claim to have good communication usually fnd that talking about confict, frustrations, hurts
and other upsets, a challenge. Bad communication habits, which can appear in any situation, appear more
frequently and more intensely in communication about confict. Research has shown repeatedly that marriage
stability and long-term happiness are affected more by HOW you taIk about the issues than about which topics
you discuss.
Good News About Conict:
Confict is a natural part of any ongoing relationship. t is supposed to happen. t can be a positive part of your
marriage! The key is learning and PRACTCNG tools to help you talk about confict in ways that are emotionally
safe for both people and ultimately lead to greater intimacy. No matter how brilliantly Michael Jordan played
basketball, he reportedly practiced 10 hours a day, even at the peak of his career. nternationally known concert
musicians or pop singers practice daily. f you want to learn a skill you have to teach your brain through practice,
practice, practice -- even when you are not in the mood for it. Most people, even counselors, cannot jump into a
personal confict and work through it without learning and practicing skills ahead of time on smaller things and in
non-confictual situations.
What is Conict?
Confict is something that has a 'negative' emotional charge, urgency or feeling to it you might have feelings like
anger, sadness, hurt, irritation, fear, etc. Often, it is a small irritation or hurt that comes up repeatedly and grows
bigger and bigger.
Conict is NOT the enemy of a happy marriage. The enemy is the DAMAGE peopIe do when they don't
know how to work with conict. AVOID CRITICISM & BLAME!!!!!
Questions for reection and sharing with your partner:
Where have you seen a positive example of people successfully resolving conhict?
What do you think helped it be successful?
When have you seen me successfully communicate about difhcult topics or conhict situation? (at
home, work, or other places). What do you think are some of my strengths as a communicator? What
is one way I need to improve to better talk about touchy issues with you?
Remember . . .
You are
teaching your
chiIdren and
creating your
reIationship
space in every
moment!
C!
Conict is a signaI and an invitation to deeper heaIing and growth -- for the person who experiences
the upset, for their partner, and for their reIationship. t usually pushes both people to develop more of
themselves and to learn to love better as a partner. The motivation to change comes from our values, our vision
and understanding the negative impact our words or behavior have on the person we love. You will not effectively
work through confict without understanding what it is like to be in the other person's shoes. Then you can fnd
creative ways to meet the needs of BOTH. Think WN-WN.
Below are some effective ways to work with confict and other important issues. They will NOT feel 'natural'. What
feels 'natural' is usually what DOESN'T work and actually make things worse!
As soon as you notice yourself becoming irritated, tell your partner that you would like to talk about the confict
using the new skills you are learning. f it is a good time for both of you, do it right then and there. f it isn't a
good time for one or both of you, set a specifc time within 24 hours that you will come together and talk about it.
(Saying "Later means it likely will never happen. Set a more specifc time.)
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TeII your partner you need to taIk about what happened, but that rst
you want to take some time aIone to caIm down rst. When you hear
something like this from your partner LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!!! Do NOT keep
trying to talk about it or follow them around the house even if you are upset.
Take a few minutes (or a Ionger) 'time-out' and consciousIy put
yourseIf in a caImer pIace. f you are very angry or upset, wait at least
30 minutes to 1 hour before you sit down to talk about it. (Do things and
tell yourself things that consciously CALM you, not stir you up more! Don't
'rehearse' your upset by going over and over it in your head..) Take several
deep breaths, imagining breathing in calm and breathing out your upset,
tension, worry.
Think about one of the most beautifuI pIaces in nature that you have
experienced. Close your eyes for a few seconds and remember as much detail as you can. Remember the
sounds that are in the place -- birds, waves, the wind or even silence. Remember what the air smells like.
Remember the temperature and how it feels on your skin in that place. Then remember what you felt like when
you are in this place. magine breathing in those same feelings now.
* When you are caImer, think about what bothered you the most about what your partner said, did, or
faiIed to do. (Some people fnd it helpful to write this in a journal or on the computer)
What is the message his or her behavior gave you? What did it communicate to you?
What hurt you the most about it?
What else did you feel besides anger or frustration?
(hurt, unimportant, disconnected, alone, discounted, judged, etc.)
What feels familiar (or completely opposite) about those feelings growing up in your family?
(Connecting your experience to childhood does not mean you have bad parents or that you are blaming
them or playing victim. Past relationships shape current relationship patterns. You may have had similar
feelings for different reasons, or you may have had a completely opposite experience in your family. The
things we get upset about the most, or the most often, are usually buttons from childhood. t does not
mean that your partner does not need to do things differently, but it is important to see what gets triggered
in you. t gives you more emotional control and also opens up many more possibilities for resolving the
confict.)
Remind yourseIf that your partner does Iove you, and that most IikeIy they did not mean to hurt or
frustrate you, even though that is the effect it had on you.
Try to think of at least 2 POSSBLE alternative explanations in addition to the message it gave you or what you
originally told yourself about it. Create the explanations assuming neutral or positive intentions by your partner.
When you are ready, go back and ask your partner if this is a good time to have a dialogue about a frustration?
f it is, you do it then. f it is NOT a good time, the partner needs to say a specic time within 24 hours that he or
she will sit down and do it.
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1. Take 3 deep breaths and with each breath remind yourself you can work through
conficts in a mature, respectful way.
2. Pause, look into each other's face and eyes, and remind yourself that this is the
person you love and who loves you. Usually you honestly don't mean to hurt each
other, even when one of you ends up doing something that has a negative effect.
3. Remind yourself that confict is an invitation to both of you to be better partners, a
better team, and to know each other inside even better. t is about deeper connection
as a couple.
4. Sit face to face, heart to heart, with a desire to repair and deepen your connection.
Use the Dialogue format on the next page (as you practiced with the
positive.)
The person with the frustration is the frst speaker. The other is the
listener (until it is time to respond.) f both are frustrated, simply
decide who will be the frst speaker. ONE person speaks at a time. No
interruptions. Be CUROUS!
CONFLCT COMMUNCATON 8KLL8 PRACTCE:
n this activity, you can practice using the skills you did in the previous
dialogue, but focused on a frustration. Practicing now, helps you develop the skills that you will need when you get
frustrated. This Dialogue process was developed by Harville Hendrix, PhD and his wife, Helen Hunt, PhD.
In this activity practice rst with your partner using an ongoing or repetitive frustration
you have with someone eIse -- your coworker, a member of your own famiIy, a friend, etc.
(Practicing this way heIps reduce defensiveness).
Do onIy ONE partner's frustration per diaIogue. When you nish the rst one, scheduIe a
time to do the other person's practice diaIogue about a different frustration.
Then, after you both have practiced being the speaker and Iistener about a frustration
with someone who is NOT your partner, go back and practice with a SMALL ongoing
frustration you have with your partner.

Begin using this structure for all frustrations so you can build the skills. Later you can loosen structure, but use the
principles. When something escalates in loose structure, tightening the structure helps you get back on track. Start
practicing with small issues as you learn the skills. Most frustrations are connected, even if they are about very
different things. So even by working on small ones, you are indirectly working on others.
know this seems awkward at frst -- like any new skill does. However, the structure helps make it safe for both
people to explore what the underlying issues are, and which most need to be addressed if you want to resolve it for
the long term. Also, when you more fully understand the effect your behavior had on the person you love, even if
by accident, you will want to change your behavior at least a little so that you don't continue hurting her or him. As
you continue practicing through the 'feeling awkward' stage of the new skills, it will get easier and become a much
better alternative to ineffective attempts to work through confict. Almost all formal communication skills training,
confict resolution, or negotiation skills training have variations of these core skills.
CC
Listener:
Listen with curiosity and an attempt to understand what it was like for your partner, even if it was not at all what you
meant. Listen. Listen. Listen --- without commenting, interrupting, trying to explain. Listen and summarize the
main points as you go along.
SPEAKER
Again, practice speaking and showing your partner the inside of you. nclude the following:
At this point, the one who was the rst speaker, now becomes the Iistener.
Listen, listen, listen all without interrupting or commenting, trying to understand your partner and his or her
response, just like the frst listener did. Then, summarize and try to express understanding of why your partner
thinks or feels the way he/she does.
The NEW speaker:
When it is your turn to speak, you simply say what you want to say in response and what you want your partner to
understand -- letting your partner see inside of you. This is not an argument or a point by point rebuttal. t is simply
what you want your partner to understand. Sometimes it is an explanation without denying the negative impact it
had sometimes it is a simple apology.
Often, once you talk about it this way and realize the negative impact you had, even if you didn't mean to, you will
become more conscious about your behavior and will make some changes. Sometimes, after you each have had
the chance to speak and be heard, you may sometimes need to each say what would be more helpful to you in
those situations. Even if you cannot do exactly what your partner would like, there is usually one step you could
take in that direction.
Print out the foIIowing page and use it as your guide to practice diaIogue.
CG
Listener:
Listen with your heart and with curiosity. Try to understand what it was like for your partner, even if it was
not at all what you meant. Listen. Listen. Listen --- without commenting, interrupting, or trying to explain.
Summarize the main points as you go along.
Speaker: Practice heIping your partner see what it is Iike inside of you when the frustration happens.
Use the following sentence stems to help you focus on the EFFECT the person's behavior had on you. Talk
10% about what the person did -- then talk 90% is about the effect it had inside you so that partner can truly
understand.
Pick a quiet place where you can sit face to face, heart to
heart about a frustration or disagreement. (You can also use
this when you discuss the questions at the end of the course.)
Decide who will be the frst speaker.
Take a deep breath. Relax. Remember this is about
connection, about opening your hearts to each other, not just
about information.
ACTVTY 6-1: Conhict Dialogue For Understanding, Connection & Options
*This method of Dialogue was created by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife, Helen Lakelly Hunt,
Ph.D, authors of Getting the Love You Want.
Listen with curiosity and no comments or questions.
Every once in a while, say,
'Let me see if I've got that"
and summarize the main points of what your
partner said, NOT your interpretation of what they
meant -- just what they said. (t is not a test . Do
the best you can.)
Ask if you got it, and if so, say
'Tell me more".
After your partner fnishes and you have
summarized the last part of what he or she said,
try to step into their shoes and try to Iet them
know why it makes sense to you that they couId
think and feeI the way they do. (This is not about
agreement it is about understanding.)
Ask if you have understood. f not, the speaker can
help you understand what you missed.
When the speaker is compIeteIy nished teII-
ing his or her story, ask if you can now be the
speaker (about the same topic). Now YOU are
the SPEAKER and your partner Iistens without
commenting, summarizes, etc.
Then just teII them anything you most want
your partner to understand having heard their
experience.
When you . . .(say what the person did or said), I felt
frustrated ( or whatever you felt.)
(Example: When my boss always tells me how to
do something better I get angry . . . When you
are late and don't call, I feel scared, then angry.)
'What it is like for me when that happens is . . ."
'The message it gives me, even if you didn't meant
to , is . .
'And then I end up feeling . . . ."
'What hurts/angers me the most about it is . . . ."
'And what that message or feeling reminds me of
growing up in my family is . . . . ' (give an example
of how that message was given, or what would cause you to
feel similar feelings.)
'And what that was like for me as a kid was. . . . '
(f nothing about this feels familiar growing up, it's
OK. You may have even had the opposite experience.
f so, tell that. Get into the habit of putting this
sentence in when you are sharing with your partner.)
Sometimes it's something you've never connected
before and helps you learn some of your trigger points.
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When couples who are married for several years are asked about what they would change in their marriage if they
could, the top two answers are:
How we communicate and work through conict.
The quaIity of our sexuaI reIationship.
These two ingredients of emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are intertwined. Learning ways to deepen both
emotional and sexual intimacy will help you stay connected and help protect your marriage from affairs and other
negative infuences.
A: EMOTIONAL INTIMACY:
For men (or women who have been raised not to taIk about feeIings and
thoughts):
f your partner does not feel emotionally connected with you, your sexual life
together will most likely decline in frequency and intensity. For some couples, it
stops altogether. While there are a variety of reasons this happens, one of the
biggest ones is lack of feeling emotionally connected and/or unresolved distress that
is sitting in your relationship space. Distress that is not dealt with creates a wedge
of disconnection. While there are always exceptions, in general, when women
feel emotionally disconnected from their partner, most often their sexual desire will
decrease.
Both partners need to learn to create connection and emotional intimacy with non-
sexual touch and verbal communication for its own value, not just as a prelude to
sex. Building non-sexual connection nurtures a vibrant sexual life. And, believe it or
not, men also want to be heard and understood. (They often complain about their
girlfriends or wives not understanding them just as women do.)
For all of you who don't like to 'talk', or 'share your feelings', you can learn to do it . . .and many actually end up
liking it! f you want to build a happy marriage, you need to push yourself to do it more (same for women who are
reluctant to share feelings, thoughts, etc.). Making the effort to build emotional intimacy will help your partner bond
with you and feel close to you. Even 5 minutes here and there of talking about something important to you, or
helping your partner understand the high or low of your day and why builds connection.
One of the biggest complaints hear from women is that their partners don't ever talk about anything personal or
of depth. When they have a partner sitting in front of the TV, on the computer, working out, and not connecting in
those little ways, they feel alone and that the partner does not care. So practice! Even if you are an ntrovert!
For women (or men who were raised to share verbaIIy):
Although there are always exceptions, some of it depending on culture, most men are not raised to talk about their
feelings or what is going on inside of them. f that is true for your partner (or for you!), you can teach one another
how to take steps in that direction. LSTEN WTHOUT NTERRUPTNG! Give your partner credit when they make
the effort, even if it's not perfect. f you berate them for not knowing how, or accuse them of not wanting to be close,
jump in to correct them or share your own view, you will likely trigger more of a shutdown.
Part of what women need to understand is that because of the way many men are socialized, the two primary
ways they have learned to 'connect' is through shared activities, and sexual connection. nitiating or inviting sexual
contact is a male way of seeking connection and closeness.
People comfortable with verbal intimacy skills, also need to learn to speak their partner's language of shared
activities and sexual connection. Women get insulted when after a fght, their spouse wants to make love. nstead
of viewing your partner as an insensitive jerk with only one thing on his mind (himself!), would invite you to look at
as one of his ways of attempting to reconnect, to repair, to feel close again. n place of criticism or rejection, honor
it for their desire to feel close. When he wants you to go to a sporting event, or have people over to watch a game,
or go biking together, that is part of what helps him feel close to you. Each of you need to develop both ways of
connecting. Take small steps to develop in yourself what says 'love' and 'connection' to your partner, not just what
says 'love' to you.
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B. SexuaI Intimacy:
1. Create times of non-sexuaI touch:
One of the big complaints hear from both women
and men is that they don't want all touch to be about
sex. They want good sex and sexual touch, but
sometimes they just want to cuddle or be held in the
arms of the person they love. t could be as simple
as sitting close together on the couch watching a
movie, or laying your head in your partner's lap and
letting him or her stroke your hair. Create big and
little ways to say " love you with a simple touch.
2. SexuaI Touch:
Sexual energy, passion, is an important and
wonderful part of marriage. Even if you have
been sexual with each other before marriage, make a
conscious effort to be more thoughtful, more tender, more
mindful of your partner's needs and likes. Becoming a
better lover is attuning to your partner and seeking to
better bring him or her pleasure not just in orgasm itself,
but before, during and after. While it is fun to have hot
spontaneous sex, most of the time, it helps to take more
time. Think about it, plan it, set the scene, slowly build
up. Remember sometimes it needs to be primarily about
making and expressing love, not just banging genitals
-- although it is fun to do that from time to time too! One
of the big causes of dissatisfaction in couples sex lives
is boredom. They have sex the same way in the same
place and it feels more like an obligation than a time to enjoy each other. Experiment and vary your love making --
sometimes you want it very tender and special, sometimes it should just be fun. Vary where you do it, how you do it.
Sometimes set the scene with candles and soft music. You can also be sensual and sexual with each other without
having intercourse. Learn how to best pleasure your partner and help them know what you like best and what
pleasures you the most, so that your love-making is something you both enjoy.
f you are new to sex, or just need something to enhance or spice up your sexual experience, there are some
possibilities listed in the Resource Section at the end of the course.
Differences in LeveIs of SexuaI Desire:
As you learned in the section on Stages of Relationship, when people fall in love, there are neurochemicals that
increase in production and these same chemicals in the body tend to increase levels of sexual desire. Later after
those hormones go back to normal levels, couples often fnd that one partner wants sexual activity a lot more
frequently than the other.
There are other things that can reduce sexual desire levels:
feelings of emotional disconnection.
exhaustion (Research shows that men who help with housework have more frequent sex! 'm not kidding.).
medications.
certain physical conditions or illnesses.
stress, anxiety or depression.
failure to communicate about what each person needs, what feels good, what doesn't, etc. in making love.
When you fnd yourself in this situation, talk about it as a couple with compassion and understanding. As a couple,
create or learn how to bring you both into a better balance. A good resource to help is: Hot Monogamy, a book by
Dr. Patricia Love (t is also available on CD). There is a chapter specifcally on sexual desire differences, how to help
each partner bring it more into balance, and more great information and suggestions for a vibrant sexual life together.
CY
Enjoy becoming better lovers together. Learn how to best arouse and pleasure your partner in the ways that work
best for him or her. You may not want to do everything he or she wants, but take steps toward increasing your
partner's and your own enjoyment of love making.
PORNOGRAPHY:
P.;I]I;L YV!H .,JJ/-%M#+%-& P<,/+ 8'Z
Sex is one of the things couples have the most difhculty talking about!
BEFORE SHARING THESE WITH YOUR PARTNER, hrst write your answer to each of the questions in
detail--using the back or another piece of paper if necessary. This gives you a chance to think about it and
write honestly what you think, want, feel, etc..
When you come back to share them, take one question at a time and let each person shares his or her
answer. Listen WITHOUT interrupting or commenting. When your partner is hnished with that question,
summarize what he or she said. Ask any questions to help you understand (and listen again with
interrupting, and then summarizing).
NO CRITICISM or DISCOUNTING! If you disagree, or have concerns about what your partner said, when
he or she is hnished, say you would like to share a concern or question before you share your answer.
Then simply state what the concern or disagreement is, and why you think or feel the way you do. The
listener summarizes. If you need to switch back and forth a few times on a particular question, each time
practice the listening and speaking skills. When you speak, describe your own inner experience and thoughts or
concerns. Do NOT discount or criticize your partner. You can be different and learn how to meet the needs of
BOTH of you.
Remember that sexual thoughts, feelings, fantasies, hopes, fears, and experience are very vulnerable
and tender parts of your partner. Be conscious of creating emotional safety for him or her to be honest
with you and vice versa. (If you have disagreements, use the basic dialogue structure on p. 24 -- some
sentence stems that may work better in discussing disagreements, can be found in the instructions on
p. 34).
1. What I enjoy most about my own body is: (because. . . ..)
2. The part of my body I feel most self conscious about is my ____________________________
because:
3. When I think of our future sexual life together, one of my biggest hopes is:
4. When I think of our future sexual life together, one of my biggest fears/anxieties is:
5. What I really want you to know about me, in terms of sex and sexuality, that I haven't ever really told
you is:
6. To me, the perfect sexual relationship would be: (Include qualities, attitudes, activities, including
other ways of being sensual/sexual together besides intercourse.)
7. What I would really like to know about you related to sexuality is:
8. What I believe about birth control and safe sex is: (What you think is acceptable and not acceptable,
whose responsibility you think it is, how you think it affects your sexual experience, etc.)
9. My view of masturbation is:
b) My view of the role of masturbation in marriage is:
10. My view of oral sex (both giving and receiving) is . . . . because . . . . .
(Continued next page)
CX
11. My view of anal sex (giving or receiving) is . . . . . because . . . . . .
12. When I envision scenes for our best love-making, what I imagine is: (You may have more than one
scene! If so write a couple of them.)
If you have aIready been sexuaI with each other, aIso do the foIIowing.
People expect each other to just 'know' how to please them and be a good lover to them. The fact is, that learning
how to deepen and enrich your sexual experience together is an ongoing process of teaching and learning.
a) TeII your partner one thing you appreciate about him or her sexuaIIy.
b) TeII what he or she does now that brings you the most pIeasure.
c) TeII what you wouId Iike more of or Iess of to make the experience even better for you.
d) What are other ways do you enjoy or wouId Iike to be sensuaI or sexuaI with each other besides
intercourse?
PORNOGRAPHY:
Some couples enjoy viewing soft porn together as part of their shared sexual experience. For them, it is a way of
adding to the excitement of connection. Other people have strong moral values against pornography. Whatever
your moral position, porn becomes a problem if one person is secretly viewing it. Remember, if you are doing
something in secret, you know that it is not going to be helpful to your marriage and it is a red fag. Secrecy violates
trust, a key foundation in happy and fulflling marriage.
There are many reasons people turn to porncuriosity, peer encouragement, wanting novelty or excitement in their
life or sexual experience, using it as a substitute for addressing emotional intimacy issues that may be diminishing
their sexual relationship and more. ndividuals sometimes turn to porn when a partner repeatedly declines or
lacks interest in sex. A decline in interest may sometimes just result from stress or exhaustion. Sometimes it is
from a feeling of emotional disconnection due to unresolved issues. When you have children, sexual life declines
because of the exhaustion of having to care for a child 24/7. There are just not enough hours in the day sometimes.
(This is a time for the father to step up his level of support -- both emotionally and in helping with the baby and
around the house.) Also, hormones change. Sometimes men under stress or worry may fnd it diffcult to get
an erection, or there could be other medical or medication issues. Women have ups and downs in sexual desire
related to hormones and their cycle of ovulation. Couples need to keep communication open about sex, taking into
consideration each person's needs and challenges. Sometimes you have to fnd creative ways to meet the needs of
both partners.
Men are by far more frequent porn purchasers and visitors of porn websites. Whether you are male or female, if you
are the person with higher desire, viewing porn will tend to increase desire and make the problem of differing desire
levels in your marriage even worse.
Porn also tends to give very unreasonable images of what a sexual experience should be like. A porn viewer is often
surprised and disappointed when their partner does not want to do what they see on the porn sites, especially anal
sex, or threesomes. Porn sites tend to be objectifying of one or both partners and becomes more about the bumping
and grinding of sexual organs rather than anything that has to do with connection. While that kind of sex can be fun
occasionally, most partners will resist that. People want to feel connected to the person they are sharing themselves
with in such a profound way.
Another problem with secretive viewing of porn is that energy that should be going into the relationship is directed
outside. What is needed is to address what is missing or what you want more of in your sexual relationship with
your spouse.
When a spouse discovers that her (or his) partner is secretly viewing porn, it violates trust and leaves the partner
feeling betrayed -- similar to fnding out about an affair. The person usually ends up feeling that the porn objects
C[
are more important than she/he is. They end up feeling inadequate and afraid that they can never live up to the
images and expectations (and often they cannot, because the porn images are not realistic for most couples). And
that makes re-kindling the marital sexual relationship even harder. Porn creates consequences in the marriage
similar to an online affair -- and some would say it is. Betraying trust can be one of the most damaging actions in
your marriage or any relationship.
What if you are aIready Iooking at porn? f you are already looking at porn behind your partner's back, stop.
Cancel any memberships on porn sites and delete all e-mails with reference or links to porn. Remove the 'cookies'
from the sites that are automatically loaded onto your hard drive (otherwise you are likely to get popup windows).
Think about what you need or want more of your sexual experience with your partner. Then talk about it. Talk
about what might be missing in your marriage, what each of you need more of sexually, what you wish for and
how both of you can take steps to begin to bring more energy, excitement, variety, in your sexual connection and
perhaps in other areas of your marriage as well. Keeping communication open is essential, but talking about sex
is something few couples do, even when they need to. t is one of the places where we are most vulnerable and
that makes it scarier to talk about it. We take things very personally, even when we don't need to. View it as an
opportunity to learn more about how to be an even better sexual partner to the person you love.
A few pointers would be to try to pick a good time and think about what you want to say beforehand. nstead of
criticizing your partner, make sure that you talk about how important it is for you both to be connected in every
way. You can say that you fnd yourself wanting to bring more into your sexual partnership and you would like the
two of you to fnd ways to enhance sexual experience in ways that are good for both of you. LSTEN to what your
partner's needs and concerns are, as well as expressing your own. Then seek to fnd even small things you can
experiment with to make it more of what you both need and want.
Watching porn stimulates the same part of the brain that taking drugs does. The urgency of the sex, the secrecy,
the visual stimulation all increase neurochemicals that can become addictive for the brain. f you fnd that you
crave porn, or that you cannot stop it for long periods, or that most of your fantasy and thoughts go to porn images
instead of your partner, you may need some help in moving to a more satisfying sexual experience and connection
with your spouse. (An excellent resource is www.netaddiction.com by Dr. KimberIy Young. She is the leading
expert in the nation and will also work with people by telephone. Her website has information and she has written
a book as well.)
AFFAIRS:
Affairs are deeply damaging to all involved -- the person betrayed, the affair partner, and the person having the
affair. An affair is a betrayal of yourself and your own integrity, your spouse, your marriage and the affair partner.
Everyone gets hurt at some point. Even if you think your spouse will not fnd out, it changes the quality of the
'space between'. Besides the obvious issue of your promises to each other, and a core value of fdelity that most
couples expect, energy that belongs to your spouse and making your marriage better is drained. The usual lies
and sneaking around destroys trust (which is the hardest thing to rebuild after an affair). No matter what the
reason for the affair, it does NOT make it OK to cheat. wish could have every newly married couple sit in my
offce and witness the damage caused by affairs. f you are missing something in your marriage, or avoiding
issues between you, talk about it -- and get help if you need to. f you are insecure in yourself and your own value,
or if you don't know why, get help for yourself. Don't use an affair as a bandaid for issues you need to address in
your own life and your own marriage.
While it is never OK to have an affair, the reasons people have affairs make sense. People who have affairs
are not bad, terrible people. Hardly anyone have met or heard about woke up one day and decided to go have
an affair. They don't usually happen that way. What often happens is at work, in one's social group, or online,
a spouse starts talking to someone of the opposite sex in an innocent way. But the sharing becomes more
personal -- they let the person see inside of them (remember, this is intimacy). They share hopes, dreams,
disappointments, unhappiness -- whether it is about their marriage, their work, their children. The other person
has a sympathetic ear and often also begins sharing on a deeper level (or it can start with the other person). As
said earlier, intimacy, letting people see inside you in an open, vulnerable way, bonds people together. Hearts go
out to the other . . . and then, people fnd themselves in a situation of wanting to express that connection through
physical and/or sexual activity. Or, having that emotional connection, and still not planning to be sexual with each
other, a sudden sexual impulse will occur and people either don't stop and think, or rationalize that it is no big deal
GQ
Chapter 8: Finances
As you probably know, fnances and sex are the two areas couples most often say
cause problems in marriage. Like with any issue, big or small, having good tools for
working through confict is essential and can prevent little things from turning into big
conficts even sex and money.
Use the Dialogue process in this manual for touchy subjects to help make it safe for
each person to express their concerns and desires without interruptions or defensive-
ness from the other. Many issues dissolve when people understand where the other
person is coming from and why. Some will require you to problem-solve. strongly
urge you to talk through it using the tools, or at least the principles, of dialogue. After
you truly can make sense of your PARTNER'S concerns and needs, and they can
make sense of yours, only then proceed to thinking together of options that will meet
the needs and concerns of BOTH partners. Think WN-WN. f you discount, invali-
date or fail to address the need or concern of each partner, the issue will come up
over and over or you will build resentment and disconnection. Talking about money
and sex requires these same principles.
Couples frequently ask how they should handle fnances as a couple. think it de-
pends on the couple and their particular fnancial situation, but will list some com-
mon options and some general principles.
After you read this section, answer the questions at the end of this with your partner. (If you are in differ-
ent cities, do it by e-maiI, teIephone or video.)
Then do the FinanciaI Vision and GoaIs Activity after the questions. TaIk about your nanciaI vision for
your reIationship and your Iife.
1. GeneraI PrincipIes:
Make your shared FinanciaI Vision and GoaIs your decision-making guide. This helps keep you both on
track to work on common goals and support each other. t also helps prevent buying something just because
someone else has it or because in the moment it seems like you just have to have it. When one of you messes
up, own it, and use your shared vision to help you get back on track. f you notice patterns in yourself or your
partner that are a concern or that are taking you off track for your Financial Vision, use the Dialogue to express your
concerns and fnd out how you can support each other in being more successful. Many times we simply have bad
habits that we do without thinking! t takes conscious effort, and sometimes support of someone you love, to help get
back on track
and they take that next step. There are 'emotional affairs' that never become sexual, but that have a similar effect
on everyone involved. t is putting what belongs in your marriage with your spouse with an outside person.
f you ever fnd yourself moving in that direction, or feel tempted, get help. Once you are in an affair, it can be
diffcult to get out of because:
1. You don't want to hurt anyone (although you already have).
2. You don't want the consequences.
3. You are back in the Romantic Stage with PEA in your affair relationship (and often you are in the Power Struggle
stage in your marriage). The grass is always greener when you are in the Power Struggle phase. Know that you
could leave your marriage, go to your affair partner who you may think is the new love of your life and the person
you are really meant to be with (that is PEA, which is a drug, talking).However, within a few months to a year or two,
you will fnd yourself with some of the same issues and frustrations that you had in your marriage.
Don't make the mistake of throwing away, or risking your marriage. Do the work of co-creating love with the person
you have committed to as your spouse. Respect each other and truly try to better and better express your love for
your partner in big and small ways daily.
G!
Discuss any major expenditure before buying the item. Decide now what amount constitutes a 'major
purchase that needs to be discussed. Sometimes people resist this because it feels like 'asking permission'. You
are now a team and what one does affects the decisions and actions of the other. Part of being a team requires
basic consideration and keeping each other informed. Even if you disagree, you can use dialogue tools to help
you work through it to a WN-WN.
* Don't make each other 'wrong' if you disagree.
* Don't say "it's my money and I can do whatever I want with it'.
For any disagreements about a purchase, use the diaIogue process in this packet on *4CG , or at the very
Ieast, do the foIIowing:
* Talk about what you are thinking of buying, or whatever the issue is, and why it is important to you. Express
your view in a way that helps them understand your thinking and why it is important to you.
* The other person listens without interrupting , staying curious about his or her thinking, even if you feel
anxious. Try to step into his/her shoes to understand him or her. Find out why it makes perfect sense that he
or she thinks and feels the way they do. You don't have to
agree in order to understand someone or something.
* f your partner disagrees, give him/her the same courte-
sy of listening without interrupting to understand why they
have concerns. Be curious and try to step into THER
shoes to understand their needs and fears.
* Then, taking both points of view into consideration,
work to come up with solutions that can address the
concerns and needs of both partners.
To expect that everything is aIways 50-50 is not usu-
aIIy reaIistic. Even if both partners work, one will nearly
always make more than the other and will therefore be con-
tributing more to the common account(s). Simply because
you earn more doesn't mean that anything above your part-
ner's contribution ability is for you to spend on what you want. Stick to your
Financial Vision and Goals and review them every 6 months. Sometimes the one who earns more or
works longer hours wants to spend more on personal items and feels entitled. Remember you share your fnancial
life. The main thing is to keep communication open and to make sure that the one who earns less also has the
opportunity to have treats that he or she wants from time to time to avoid resentment. Consider the well-being of
BOTH in your decisions.
Live within your means! The economic meltdown in 2008-2009 involved a lot of people buying more house
than they could afford, large credit card debt, and failure to plan for an emergency like losing a job. Don't let
people or your emotions push you into things you really cannot afford. Don't make yourself 'house poor' which
means that your mortgage or rent payment leaves you with barely enough money for other bills or your regular
personal spending.
A few of the common ways coupIes set up savings and checking accounts:
Separate checking and savings accounts with only one name on each account.
Separate checking accounts, with a savings account in both names.
A 'house money' savings and checking account, with each having a personal checking account for each
person's personal spending. Some set up a monthly withdrawal from the common money a 'spending
money' allowance.
All accounts are joint (in both names), but they have 2 checking accounts so each can use one account to
avoid confusion about who has written checks. (This one tends to work well for many people, assuming that
neither is coming into the marriage with signifcant debt. f someone has large debt and you mix fnances,
you can become liable for the debt.)
BiII-Paying:
frequently hear complaints that either one person feels burdened with handling all the bill-paying and fnancial
management or one feels like they are shut out of the fnancial management because the other handles it all.
One of the things highly recommend, is to purchase a computer program like Quicken or some other similar
G:
software that more easily allows both people to keep track of things. You can also automate some of your bill-
paying if you want and easily keep track of automated deductions from the account. There are several ver-
sions of Quicken for Mac and Windows and versions ranging from the simple home accounting when you are
starting out, versions for people who have investments and more complex fnances, versions for people who
have rental property, or a business and more. Here are some of the versions. (f you wish to purchase one,
just click on the link to take you to Amazon.com.) You can also search for other home accounting programs.
R/%MU'- >,$ 9%-@,20 ,$ "#M
Some couples designate one person as the bill payer (often one likes to do it!), especially if not using comput-
er programs. Some rotate the job every 6 months so one person is not burdened with it. Another approach is
to divide up the bills with each being responsible for certain bills. Part of that might be determined by the way
you set up your accounts.
Whatever method you use, be sure to sit down once every 1-3 months and go over nances, even if it's
not your strength. t is important that both people stay informed. t's part of your responsibility as a partner
and as an adult. AND it's important to stay on track with your Financial Vision.
Pay your biIIs BEFORE the due date and allow for processing time by the company or mail time if you don't
use the computer. Late fees not only hurt your credit, but they add unnecessary fees to your expenses.
Credit cards:
Experts tend to recommend that each person has one credit card in their own name (not joint), even if you
have one card that is joint. This helps build your credit history.
Be very careful about credit card debt. t can be tempting to buy something you want, thinking it won't be
so bad if you pay X amount of money per month. However, because of credit card interest, you can easily
fnd yourself paying and paying and paying and hardly getting ahead. Consider a card that requires that you
pay the full balance off monthly. t helps prevent you from getting in over your heads and also helps you see
where your money is going.
What if one is a spender and the other is a saver? Usually both people spend, but on different things.
The saver may not spend as frequently, but will save to spend on bigger things. Use your differences as op-
portunities for each of you to come more into balance (not just in fnances, but in anything). Often the 'sav-
ers' could beneft from loosening up a little and the 'spenders' could beneft from a little more prioritizing and
discipline instead of buying impulsively or to reduce stress and dissatisfaction in life. t's not that one is good
and the other is bad. Part of your approach comes from your history, some from personality, and some from
fnancial goals. The key is to use your Financial Vision to guide your decisions and behaviors.
Appreciate what your partner contributes and does for your nanciaI security or househoId and teII
him or her: When one person feels they are either seen as the paycheck or that their efforts and concerns
are not appreciated, resentments can easily build up and should be discussed. The same is true when couples
have agreed that one will stay home to raise children. Appreciate her or his contribution and the effort it takes.
Don't nag and criticize your partner. Do little things to help and support each other. f you have an issue, talk
about it and look at what YOU can do differently as well as what you want your partner to do.
Bad nanciaI or work habits: Some people just have never learned to manage money and with some
compassionate guidance they can learn. Others have no desire to learn, are going to do what they want, and
are fnancial deadbeats. Know the difference. Sometimes people have other issues that relate to their family
history, fear of losing independence, or other things. f there are patterns that concern you, get help.
The Economy:
When the economy of the country is under major stress, it trickles down to almost everyone, even those who
GC
thought they were in good shape. Loss of assets, loss of work, cutback in income and investments can place
enormous strain on couples. Make sure you hold to the concept of team partnership working at the issue together
and helping each other through the rough spots instead of pointing your fnger in blame or criticizing your partner.
Understand they likely feel depressed and anxious. f your partner is having a hard time fnding a job, ask how you
can support him or her. Use your own strength (research, networking, resume writing, etc.) to contribute what you
can to their efforts. This is true in any challenge that either of you face in any area of life.
8-1: OUE8TON8 FOR D8CU88ON ON FNANCE8:
Before you do the FinanciaI Vision, encourage you to think about and then discuss with your partner the follow-
ing.
Take time to discuss each question, taking turns answering and listening without interrupting! Help your partner
understand your thoughts, feelings and experience.
Past Experience with Money:
The way my father handled money was . .
. . and the impact that it had on our family
and on me was . . . .
The way my mother handled money was .
. . . and the impact that it had on our fam-
ily and on me was . . . .
(If you had step-parents or other paren-
tal hgures complete the sentence about
them too.)
What I learned about money as I grew up
was . . .
One way I want to be similar to my family
in the way we as a couple handle money
is . . . .
One thing I want to do different from my family in the way we as a couple handle money is . . .
My experience with money in past relationships has been . . . . because . . . .
Current & Future:
Knowing myself and my history, one thing I think I will have to be careful of in our hnances is . . . . . be-
cause . . . . .
My view about saving money is . . .
The way I think my spending habits may change after marriage is . . .
The debts I have now are . . . . and the steps I am taking to eliminate my debt are . . . .
One way I would like you to support me in that is . . . . .
My view about having a budget is. . . . . because . . . .
The way I view the hnancial responsibility of each partner is. . . .
The way I think we should make hnancial decisions as a couple is. . .
continued on next page
GG
What I expect of you related to money and career is . . . . . what I expect of myself is . . . . .
My biggest fear about money and hnances as we go into our marriage is . . . . because . . . .
My biggest hope about our hnancial future together is . . . . because . . . . .
What money symbolizes for me is . . . .
What 'hnancial hdelity' in a marriage means to me is . . . .
The role I want money to have in our lives as a couple is . . . .
One of the reasons many people don't create the life or marriage they want is because they never think
about or name what kind of life or relationship they want. They want to be 'happy'. t's like having a GPS
in your car and telling it to take you to the United States when you already live there. t is too general.
You have to put in a more specifc address.
1. SeparateIy create a Iist of 'ingredients' that wouId create your ideaI FinanciaI Vision:
If you could create your fnancial future just the way you want it, what would be the things that would be
most important to you and why?
What do you think would most help build your fnancial future as a couple, yet that also respects the need
of both for some autonomy and 'play' money?
As you do the Vision, think of both immediate and long term 'ingredients' even if they seem totally
unrealistic right now!
2. After you each do your own list, come together and read each item on each person's list
saying whether you agree, need clarihcation, or disagree. Then create a combined Vision of all
the ones on which you both agree - draw a line at the bottom and then add the ones on which you
disagree.
Here is a sample vision from a couple: REMEMBER this is what you WANT -- not what you
have now! Even if it seems impossible right now, put down what you DREAM of having in your
hnancial life:
We maintain hnancial security throughout our life together.
We tighten our belts for the hrst year to save and then evaluate our next steps.
We always make sure to keep some money for both individual and joint fun, even if it is small things in the
hrst year. We will gradually be able to increase our 'fun' money!
We plan to travel once a year to places we most want to visit.
We are a true team in the hnancial dimension of our marriage (and all others too!).
We provide for our children's college education.
We own a comfortable home.
We creatively discuss and brainstorm about our hnancial and work issues.
We respect the opinion and perspective of our partner as well as our own.
We both build fulhlling careers that provide both hnancial stability and meaning.
We donate money or time to those causes and organizations that truly matter to us.
We build and maintain an emergency account for 6 months' expenses if one of us were to lose or job or
get sick or injured. We keep it separate and do not touch it except in a true emergency.
We regularly review our needs, desires and goals to adjust as needed so that we can stay on track for our
overall vision.
ACTVTY 8-2: Creating a Financial Vision
We consult with professionals as needed to help us make informed decisions, but always make the
decisions as a couple.
With your Vision as a guide, you can II out the detaiIs as you go.
GN
Here are a coupIe of other articIes you may want to read sometime (just cIick on the
Iink):
Financial Inhdelity by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. Dr. Weil found that nearly 1/3 of adults
in committed relationships lied to their partner about spending habits. Secret credit
cards or accounts, binge shopping, revenge spending are just a few of the behaviors
that erode trust and harm the relationship. She talks about how to recognize signs, re-
connect with the partner, and recover trust.
Free ArticIes OnIine:
The Six Financial Mistakes Couples Make by Aleksandra Todorova of Smart
Money Magazine.
The 12 biggest reasons we hght over hnances by Dunleavy
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1. Your SpirituaI Life -- even if you are not a 'reIigious' person:
Whatever religious background you may have come from, and even if you have no religious background, fnding ways
to express and connect 'spiritually' is an important part of building a strong, solid marriage.
a) If you both come from the same faith tradition: talk about ways to bring that into your marriage. t might be
through praying together, reading a passage from your sacred texts
(Bible, Torah, Quran, etc.) and sharing your thoughts. t may be doing
things in your church, synagogue, mosque or temple.
b) If you come from different reIigious backgrounds: fnd ways to
honor both traditions in your marriage and home. Find ways that you
CAN join in and share your partner's expression of spirituality. Honor
and respect difference, and better yet, enrich your own spirituality by
learning from the other. Many couples fnd very creative ways to enjoy
different faith traditions.
c) You have no reIigion, or are an atheist, or have had negative
experiences with formaI reIigion.:
You can still fnd ways to express 'spirituality', your connection with the
that which is bigger than us. For some people, it can be through being
in nature and feeling one with creation. Others enjoy simple basic
meditation. Nurture that part of you and fnd ways to connect, no matter
what your differences may be in how you approach it.
Sharing spirituality leads to even deeper connection as a couple. t also challenges you to look at the meaning of
your own life and the kind of human being you want to be. What legacy do you want to leave as individuals and as a
couple?
2. Contributing to a Better WorId
One of the most bonding experiences for couples (and others) is to do something together to try to make the world
a better place. There is MUCH to be done, so it should be easy for you to fnd ways to work toward making a piece
Gb
of the world better that appeal to you. t can be things like building homes with Habitat for Humanity, joining
a group to pick up litter alongside a highway, visiting people in a nursing home, helping pet rescue centers,
volunteering your skills at a non-proft agency whose work you believe in. t could be seeking governmental
change by writing letters or working in a political party, running for a cure for breast cancer.
Extend the love you have for each other to the world. Even small efforts DO make a difference to someone!
Here is one exampIe that inspired me:
had the honor of attending the wedding celebration of Aren and Aliya in 2008. When received the
invitation, went to their wedding website and clicked on the gift registry page. nstead of the usual
department stores, found 3 charities to which we could donate in honor of their wedding. They spoke
passionately about one of their favorites -- a charity that provide basic necessities to children in Africa whose
parents had either died of ADS or who were very ill and unable to care for them. Most of the children also
have ADS. Aren and Aliya had each lived on their own and instead of just getting more things from relatives
and friends, they wanted to use the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of those children. The
invitation said that our presence at the wedding was the ultimate gift to them, but that they wanted their
celebration to have positive impact on others who didn't have what most of us have.
n addition to the monetary donation from the wedding, Aren and Aliya had already been sending fnancial
support to this organization before they got married. With the wedding money they hoped to buy mattresses,
school uniforms, and other basic items (which they did!). Not content to just give money, they decided to
plan their honeymoon trip so that the last part of it would be spend time with these children in Africa. They
shipped and took gifts for the children and planned a Christmas party, although they themselves are Muslim.
They also hope to return each year on their anniversary. When Aren and Aliya returned from this frst trip, they
said how life changing it was for them to make the trip and be with those kids. The children had never had a
Christmas present before. A soda, that we take for granted, is seen as a wealth item in that town and the kids
were ecstatic about being able to drink their own soda. They live in small huts in 115 degree heat, basically
on their own, because there is not enough money to build an actual orphanage. The program Aliya and Aren
help support supplies basic necessities.
was so touched by this young couple who already are so conscious of the needs of others, grateful for what
they have, and who share core values of compassion, justice, and making the world a better place.
You might not be able to do something that dramatic, but everyone can do something, even if it is a very small
thing now and then. Hopefully, like Aren and Aliya, it will not just be a one time event, but an attitude of life
that you cultivate as a couple and as a family. Volunteer once a month at a homeless shelter. Donate to your
own favorite charity. Help build a house with Habitat for Humanity. Walk for the cure for breast cancer. Buy
a couple of extra non-perishable items each time you go to the grocery store and then donate them to local
food bank at the end of the month. On my website there is a PDF fle about Gifts that Keep Giving and that
lists some charitable ideas along with other things, a list of items needed by food banks and more.
Go to http://www.reIationshipjourney.com/resources.htmI -- they are about halfway down the page.
The main thing is to do something that allows your love to contribute to the well-being of others. By your
example, you can also teach your children those core values, as Aren and Aliya's parents did for them.
[V! IA;WO]IW9 LFcO )PO;AWO PSFc; 8)IOI;cP5I;LH
Describe your faith or 'spiritual' experience growing up in your family, including what was positive and what
was negative. (f you have been hurt by a religious group or person, tell your partner about it.) How have
those positive or negative experiences shaped your spiritual view as an adult?
f you were raised in a particular religion, what do you think of it now?
Do you believe in God or some being greater than us? f not, say why. f yes, describe your view of God or
the Divine (whatever name you call it).
GY
How would you describe your faith or spiritual life at this point in your life, even if you are not in a religion?
How would you like it to be?
What religious or 'spiritual' practices are important to you, if any? (This could even be 'taking time to center myself
in nature', doing yoga. t does not have to be related to a religion -- it is what is 'spiritual' practice for YOU.
What do you want the role of spirituality or faith to be in your marriage?
f you and your partner are from different religions, how do you think you can work best with that in your marriage so
that both traditions can be honored and respected? (How will raise your children if you are from different faiths?)
What do you think is your purpose in life as an individual and in our life as a couple?
1I8.c88 9DF LFc 9PA; ;F SW IA ;DW 9FO51H
What kind of person do you want to be? (qualities, actions, etc.)
What contribution do you want to make in order to make the world a better place?
What is a 'cause' that really matters to you and why?
How can the two of you best extend the love you have into the world around you?
Talk about what "living from core values vs. "fear-based living means to you -- what are the pros and cons of
each? How does it affect your life when you live from one or the other? (Most of us do some of both!) How does it
affect society and the world when groups of people live from that each of those motivations (good and bad)? What
is one thing you want to do more of to bring more of your core values into your life and into your interaction with
others?
.5F8IAE ;DFcED;8H
There is so much more we could talk about, but you have a lifetime of
discovery ahead of you. Always work to fnd creative ways to express
your love and care for one another. One of very best things you can do is
to say and show your partner you appreciate him or her and truly cherish
them. (Lack of feeling valued or appreciated by one's spouse is a big
factor in many affairs.) And while all couples will have to work through
confict, it is SO much easier when you have a solid foundation of positive
things in your marriage.

Respect difference. Don't let being 'right' get in the way of being
connected. Keep fun and laughter in your marriage. Consciously keep
romance alive. And most of all, ENJOY THE JOURNEY with all its ups
and downs.
f you get into trouble and can't fx it, get help. Don't wait until one of you
is ready to end the marriage. f one partner says you need help, you need
it. You don't have to be in counseling for years. The sooner you get help,
the shorter it takes and the easier it will be. Your marriage is worth the
investment!
GX
A FEW RE8OURCE8
CIick on bIue bordered Iinks for more info and reviews or to purchase from Amazon.
DEA8 FOR ROMANCE
1001 Ways to Be Romantic Revised and More Romantic than Ever
by Gregory Godek (Paperback)
50 Ways to Have an Affair with Your Spouse www.relationshipjourney.com
I")OF]IAE OW5P;IFA8DI)
Marriage Magazine www.marriagemagazine.org Monthly magazine with short, practical articles and tips for
creating a happy marriage. n issues have seen, it occasionally it has a slightly Christian favor, but not always
and very light. Even if you are Jewish, Muslim, or no religion, it is a good readable source of small things you can
easily do to enrich or enhance your marriage.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for CoupIes (Paperback) by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
Receiving Love (Paperback) by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
7 PrincipIes for Making Marriage Work (Paperback) by John M. Gottman
Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love (New &
Revised) (Paperback) by Howard J. Markman (Author), Scott M. Stanley
How to Improve Your Marriage Without TaIking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words
by Dr Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
WORK8HOP8 & RETREAT8 FOR COUPLE8:
Getting the Love You Want for coupIes. Non-religious weekend workshop to deepen connection, learn tools to
work with confict and connection. Given internationally:
Marriage Encounter: A weekend marriage enrichment retreat. Mostly in Catholic and other Christian
denominations, but also a few in Jewish communities.
PREP -- Prevention and ReIationship Enhancement Program
PAIRS -- Passage to Intimacy Weekend
There are others, but make sure it is a reputabIe one before you sign up!
8WicP5 WAOI.D"WA;H
Both of these have a Iot of practicaI suggestions:
Getting the Sex You Want by Tammy Nelson
Hot Monogamy by Pat Love
DVD Erotic Massage: The Touch of Love, Director: Kenneth Ray Stubbs Ph.D. (can order from Amazon.com)
( have not yet viewed this DVD, so cannot personally recommend it, but have heard positive comments.)
.LSWOV8Wi e )FOA P11I.;IFA DW5)H
www.netaddiction.com by Dr. KimberIy Young. She is the Ieading expert in the nation and wiII aIso work
with peopIe by teIephone. Her website has information and she has written a book as weII.
1F"W8;I. ]IF5WA.WH
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) NationaI HotIine
Phone: (800) 962-2873 FIorida HotIine
G[
Dawn is a marriage and licensed counselor and a relationship educator and coach
with over 25 years experience working with individuals and couples. Dawn has
extensive specialized training in marriage and relationships, as well as a successful
relationship of her own of over 30 years. She is the founder and Director of The Re-
lationship Learning Center in Winter Park, Florida (just outside the city of Orlando).
The Center provides coaching, education, workshops, training, consultation, and
counseling for all types of adult relationships with the goal helping you begin, repair
or continue deepening and strengthening the kind of marriage or relationship you
really want.
Dawn is committed to empowering people to be successful in all areas of their lives.
She believes that marriage, committed partnership and other important relationships
offer an extraordinary opportunity to help each person realize his or her potential as
an individual, as well as a partner, friend, or co-worker. She also believes that bet-
ter relationships can change the world since our lives, groups, societies and the world as a whole are made up of
relationship networks.
With her certifcation as an Advanced Clinician and Workshop Presenter through the nstitute for mago Relation-
ship Therapy (now called mago Relationships nternational), she brings special knowledge and skills to help people
create, repair, nourish and empower conscious, intentional, relationships.
She believes in teaching couples and individuals tools to work with issues differently, so that they are equipped
to be more effective and successful in working with things that come up throughout their life together. She gives
people the tools and the information they need. The couple or individual has to USE the tools they learn.
Even the best relationships have confict, and instead of creating a spiraling to the destruction of the relationship,
confict can open doors that help both people advance on their road to wholeness as passionate partners, and al-
lies. Dawn is also committed to empowering all people to live more deeply from their essence.
When not coaching, counseling or teaching, Dawn enjoys writing, playing on the computer, movies, reading, relax-
ing in nature and more. She is the author of a variety of articles on relationships and mental health.
To obtain more information or to make an appointment, send an e-mail to dawn@relationshipjourney.com or call the
number listed below. (E-mail is usually quicker.) There are many other good therapists who work with couples in the
Orlando area. Dawn also knows people in other areas of Florida, across the country and in other countries.
CONTACT NFORMATON:
Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW
The Relationship Learning Center
E-mail: dawn@relationshipjourney.com
Website: www.relationshipjourney.com
Telephone: 407-740-7763
P<,/+ 1#2- 5%*+6$,++7 5.89
Your Marriage & Relationship Expert

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