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Theological Placardvol. 1 issue 1 winter 2013

Our Departments
Reections
Attention Denominational
Leaders!
The Reverend Nick Stone: A
Noir Serial Story of a Pastor
Under Fire
Polite Fictions:
Stu! the Church is doing in the
name of God
Groovy-Toons
Really Dead Theologians:
Great Stuff from Classic Theologians
Quo!dian Quo"#
Offbeat Offerings
The Lost Diaries of John Calvin
Final Depictions
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Church Rats: A Cartoon
2

There are surely no justiable
grounds for another magazine
on the market. So we offer no
grounds for the creation of The
Theological Placard. I do know that the
creeping crud of Christian capitalism and
what we will term Church Inc. has many
concerned. The Church is market-
driven, program- driven, fad-driven,
guru-driven, and generally run into the
ground.
Likewise the Christian music
industry, and to a great extent, Christian
publishing in general, is prot driven.
Tripe and pastiche are served up to the
masses and there i s l i ttl e to no
accountability or doctrinal direction in
either of these two ventures. Style and
not substance rule the day.
Nearly 50 years ago, Langdon
Gilkey (d. 2004, Prof. at University of
Chicago), penned these words: our
American churches, conservative and
liberal alike, are in danger of merely
reproducing in pious form the cultural
world that surrounds them. And the
reason is that they have, in the process
of g r owt h, l os t r el at i on t o t he
transcendent which alone can make
them relevant . . . The contention of The
Theological Placard is not that we are in
danger of doing this but that the Church
has already done it. We are not waiting
for Gilkeys observation to come true; we
are living in that exile right now. The
question is how do we address this? How
do we remove these strange res of
Nadab and Abihu (Lev. 10), not just from
the sanctuary of the Church but also
from hearts and lives that are wedded to
and inseparable from the pious form of
the culture surrounding them?
This is no easy task to be sure. It
calls for a long-term commitment, not
just on the part of one individual, but aon
the part of many. It also means that no
single media or approach will work, and
therefore a multiple number of means to
f o r wa r d o u r mi s s i o n mu s t b e
undertaken, The Theological Placard is
one of many formats employed by The
The o l o g i c a l Und e r g r o u nd ( s e e
www. theol ogi cal underground. com,
which itself seeks to be a forum for
theological and ecclesiastical critique.
The Theological Placard itself
employs a number of formats and
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R e a d e r s wi l l n d t h e ms e l v e s
encountering both the serious and
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texts. We hope to produce a magazine
that i s smart, savvy, accessi bl e,
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Theological Underground this is a great
way to pitch in. We are looking for
almost anything: serious articles,
cartoons, artwork, lampoons, and satire
are all welcome. We are especially
interested in material that exposes
ridiculous trends in the Church, trends
that reduce the Church to a corporation,
and ideas that attempt to grow the
Church while robbing it. We also are
interested in critiques and satire that lay
bare the pseudo-scientic industry of
Christianity that make the Church
appear dumber than an ox hopped up on
Oklahoma loco weed.
We hope that you enjoy this rst
issue and that you will also take the time
to see what other goodies we have for you
at: www.theologicalunderground.com.
Shalom: The Editor.
Theological Placardvol. 1 issue 1 winter 2013
Editors Reections
Muta-genetic
Kingdom Panacea
Phylogenetic
Christ-
Commencing
Enhancement
Photochemical
Missionic
Endeavor
Entrepreneurial

Drive
!urrealis"c
Taxonomic
Initiative
Theological Placard--vol. 1 issue 1 3 winter 2013
35%
29%
11%
10%
8%
7%
ATTENTION DENOMINATIONAL LEADERS!!!
Tired of racking your brain to come up with new and exciting names and
terms that will infuse your next time-wasting, resource-sapping,
denominational-wide program with the cool and groove it needs to
convince the masses you are doing something to justify that paycheck?
Look no further, help is here for you! Simply pick one term from each
column and you are done! You could even start the next mega-
movement!
Episode 1: The Enforcers
It was a Monday like any other Monday.
Coffee in hand I retreated to my study. I was
just settling in for my Monday morning
detox session when she walked in. She was
wearing standard evangelical pumps and a
dress that came down to her mid-calf,
exposing just enough ankle. She had white
hair, like a snowstorm ltered through blue-
dye no. 12. Thats my secretary Sally. She
demurely smiled as I handed her the issue of
Christianity Today that she had not so
subtly tried to use to replace my Christian
Century. Hand it over, I said; as she slid it
out from its sequestered position under her
right armpit.
There are three gentlemen from
denominational headquarters to see you
reverend.
Again? I protested, didnt we
already send in our taxes to pay those know-
nothings?
Yes reverend but they said they are
on a different matter.
Alright, send em in.
As she left, three young men with the
energy of Jack Russel l puppi es on
Starbucks venti triple shot caramel
espressos stepped into my study. They were
looking around although how much they
could actually see through their $200
original Wayfarer Ray-Bans is anyones
guess. They all wore the same Moku Man
khakis, but each had on a different pattern
of RJ Clancy Hawaiian shirt. They all had
Saks sandals to bring their ensemble
together. All were equipped with what I can
only imagine were high-end smart phones
capable of reading the thoughts of a persons
heart and mind and translating and
broadcasting them in Twittereeze.
Normally, denominational hierarchy
made my blood boil, but these guys made my
veins run cold. I instinctively grabbed my
NRSV, anticipating trouble. Can I help you
gentlemen with something?
No, Rev. Stone, its we who can help
you.
Uh, hows that? I replied.
A second man answered. We have
been looking at the records youve sent in.
As you know the denomination is mandating
at least a 5% growth rate from each of our
branches each year.
Branches? I said.
They each checked out for a moment,
as if they were receiving a communication
from outer space.
Churches, of course, is what we
mean, nally came the reply. And you,
said the third, Rev. Stone, have turned in
only a 1% growth this year. The year before
that 0%.
I was growing weary of this badgering
and didnt like the way it was heading.
Look, I dont know who you guys think you
are, but theologically you are whacked!
Dont get smart with us, and I dont
ever want to hear the T word again. Youll
never get out of the mess youre in with that
kind of wrong-headed thinking, said the
rst man again.
Who are you, who sent you, I said
again hoping for more information this time.
We are a team of coaches from
Denom-Mark. Were here to help.
The Theological Placard --vol. 1 issue 1 4 Winter 2013
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Polite Fiction Number #1:
The Problem of an Inerrant Scripture: The War over the Word and
its Aftermath

Introduction. Back in the 1970s and early 80s, the Battle of the Bible was waged. It
was the last salvo in the War for the Word. It was a brutal conflict with one side then
the other lobbing books back and forth. The central issue was to what extent was the
Bible authoritative and on what basis did it have such authority? Mind you, the story of
the battle reaches back further in the last century, but the battle of the biblical bulge, that
last push, came in the decades indicated. There were intricate arguments about the
distinction of one level of inerrancy over the other, and then that sneaky little term,
infallibility, reared its ugly head. But these were rather minor distinctions within the
Evangelical -erstwhile Fundamentalist movement. Well, they were minor to most
looking on from the outside. The battle of the biblical bulge of the 70s/80s eventually
subsided and it seemed as if the war were over. One just does not hear much about it at
all nowadays. But who won, and why were shots fired in the first place? Most
importantly what was left in the aftermath of the war? What lingering legacy was left?
Central Thesis. As we will see the katzenjammer of that war has had an especially
detrimental effect on Christianity in the United States, influencing the way that millions
of evangelicals process and respond to social, cultural, scientific, and political events.
The legacy of the arguments of the inerrantists (we understand this to include the larger
family of arguments including infallibility) has left an epiphenomenon of biblical
proportions in its wake, which prevents the evangelical church from being able to
adequately respond in a cogent or theologically substantial way to any of the broader
issues it is now facingexcepting reactionary responsesand this is perhaps the biggest
indication that while the inerrantists won the battle that does not mean the right side won
the war.
Chronology and Quodlibet of the War. In the 19
th
century the theological
disciplines were undergoing change as the application of scientific and critical methods
were employed to examine the Bible. The findings began to rock the theological
assumptions of not only the academy but also the Church. A sort of panic set in. If the
authority and special status of scripture were found to be wanting, the faith of the average
person in the pew might also be shaken. How was the Church to respond? Two different
approaches were adopted. One approach was taken in continental Europe, the other,
inerrancy, was the strategy deployed in the United States. The burgeoning Fundamentalist
movement of the 1920s pushed this approach by sheer force of will well into that final
battle of the bulge in the late 1970s and early 1980s. The Fundamentalists understanding
was that the Bible had to be placed upon an unassailable foundation, safe from the slings
The Theological Placard--vol.1 issue 1 5 winter 2013
and arrows of 19
th
century liberalism and the rising tides of biblical historical-critical
method. That unassailable foundation was inerrancy.
The Niagara Bible Conferences (1876-1897), as well as the publication of The
Fundamentals (a series of essays published between 1910-1915) were the harbinger
events providing inerrancy with a stronghold. It should be noted however, that a few of
the authors in The Fundamentals rejected inerrancy (and as a sidebar endorsed
Darwinism). After the groundwork for Fundamentalism was laid at Niagara and in The
Fundamentals (click here to see further discussion on the evolution of inerrancy and The
Fundamentals) deeper reflection was given those points. The 1910 National Assembly of
Presbyterians adopted what are now the principle points of Fundamentalism. The
National Assembly revoked these principles a couple of years later, but the concrete was
already drying.
Packer and Machen. After these revolutionary events, J.I. Packer and J. Gersham
Machen (the Princeton theologian who went on to found Westminster in Philadelphia)
were instrumental in providing the constructive (ivory tower?) theology necessary to
support the project of inerrancy. That construction was then popularized in Scofields
and later Ryries study Bibles and thereby locked into the consciousness of most
Americans. The doctrine is a bit more than 100 years old, but because of Packers
insistence and hermeneutical gerrymandering, it seems as though the doctrine was as old
(or older!) as scripture itself.
Packers Part. Packers chief contribution to the construction was first of all to dispense
with what he as a scholar readily knewthe Bible, as we have it, contains errors! For
Packer there was no rational sense in denying this, to do so would simply mean that
Fundamentalists were completely out of touch. His constructive scheme was nothing
less than brilliant. It was to keep the scriptures out of reach of research. Only the
original manuscripts, none of which we have were in fact inerrant (unless, as we suspect,
the Vatican or the Coptics in Ethiopia have them squirreled away our money is on the
Coptics). Nobody can challenge this, they can only agree or disagree. Packer does this
with good intention. The reliability of the Bible had been seriously challenged by 19th
century liberalism and needed to be shored up because the faith of the faithful had been
shaken. The question then is, was the faith of the faithful accurately placed in the first
place, that is, is faith in the right place to begin with if it is in the Bible itself? What
inerrancy did was to raise the Bible to a level of perfection, rejecting in the process the
human agency by which it was penned. The Bible when so elevated can become an idol.
This bibliolatry was a consequence, albeit perhaps unintended of Packers approach. The
inerrants should be held accountable and give answer to charges of bibliolatry. To use a
biblical metaphor, the inerrantist movement inadvertently constructed a high place and
many worship there.
The Theological Placard--vol.1 issue 1 6 winter 2013
Machens Machinations. Machens chief contribution was in a formula he co-opted.
Machen said that the Bible was 100% the word of man and 100% the word of God.
Sound familiar? This is of course the Christological formulation of Nicene-
Constantinopolotian Creed, and as such it is uniquely suited for only one application--as a
definition of the nature of Christ. To apply it to the Bible is to elevate the Bible to a status
belonging solely to Christ. In both the case of Packer and Machen the goal was to put the
Bible again on firm ground and to insure its perfect reliability in all things and to restore
the faith of the masses in it. Any Christians not holding these views were simply either
labeled or lynched by a newly equipped and armed laity and burgeoning fundamentalist
academy.
The Far-Reaching Problems of Inerrancy. We move not to the problems with
these two views. There are three problems raised: 1) the nature of the Bible is
compromised, 2) Biblical and Christological natures are confused, and 3) inerrancy has
led to a ghettoization of the Evangelical movement.
Nature of the Bible Compromised. But of greater concern is the nature of the Bible itself.
First, by using Packers method, I think, we are simply fooling ourselves. We have an
incredible number of manuscripts for the Bible, in most instances copied in the most
meticulous and stringent ways imaginable. When we deploy Packers method, we do to
our current translations exactly that which Packer was trying to avoid, that is to find what
we have received as untrustworthy. But I think for all its warts and boils, it is extremely
accurate to the originals (based in part by Nestle-Alands comparative manuscript
method). Ironically, according to his scheme, Packer must have a rather low and
untrusting view of the Holy Scripture (at least of the Bible as it stands). Either this or he
must be in contradiction to himself, which in the end he is since he wants to eat the cake,
the icing, the plate, and the table upon which it is all set. It places the Bible out of reach,
and I do not wish to have my Bible out of reach any more than Luther did. There is more
to say regarding Packer, but enough for now.
Christological and Biblical Natures Confused. Machens scheme of 100% God and
100% human is far more disturbing to me than Packers. Machen has lifted the
Christological formula and placed it on top of the Bible. In my mind the Christological
formula was a gift of and to the Ante-Nicene and Nicene Fathers that applies and can
only apply to one thing (person!) and that person is Jesus Christ. To use this formula
elevates the Bible to a position it cannot and should not hold since 100% human and
100% God can only rightly be said of God the Son. This is the high place that has been
constructed, the Babel, if you will of the 20th century. It also serves as a rather negative
witness to those outside the Church that the Bible (which most of the world knows has
one error or other) is held to be on a level with Christ (who is without error).
Self-Ghettoization of the Evangelical Empire. These are problems that locate themselves
specifically with respect to theological doctrine. Once this is in place other problems
The Theological Placard--vol.1 issue 1 7 winter 2013
naturally arise. Inerrantists usually pair their view of an inerrant scripture with literalist
interpretative methodology. As a consequence, they must live and theologically function
within very limited parameters, leaving precious little room to dialogue and respond to
scientific advances and cultural shifts. It means inerrantists by default are self-
ghettoized. It may be a large and opulent ghetto, but it is nevertheless a ghetto. One of
the greater difficulties of all of this is that the greater body of the Evangelical community
simply believes all of this understanding and approach to scripture to have stood since
time immemorial. And why should they not? It has existed since they have existed so
does it not stand to reason that it has always been so? And at any rate what would we
believe about the nature of scripture and the method of inerrant interpretation if it were
not this? What else could exist? So the Evangelical community is sent out into battle so
equipped, and they have built a veritable empire in politics, education, science, and of
course the Church armed with such notions, born little over a century ago. The whole
program proceeds from the idea that the Church has always seen the scripture and
interpreted the scripture in the same way for 2000 years on the one hand, or to be
unconcerned about the contributions of the Church until a century ago on the other.
Schism and Stalemate. In large part because of this, Protestant Christianity has in many
instances reached a stalemate or simply outright schism over many contemporary issues.
If we understand the adherents of inerrancy, we will also understand that there is almost
no possibility of dialogue opening on any number of issues. it simply does not happily
co-exist within the fixed universe within which they function. The question now remains
whether or not this inerrantist (and again for the purpose of this editorial it is functionally
equivalent to infallibility) position will continue to hold reign as the matter of course and
matter of fact or whether some better model might eventually gain or regain
ascendency in Protestant Christianity. When and until a shift occurs again in the
interpretative model of Evangelicals, I fear that only finger wagging, intimidation, and
attitudes of moral and spiritual superiority will continue to reign. The anger and vitriol at
every challenge to the inerrantist model and the universe arising out of it will only
escalate in each arena of the ghettoized Evangelical empire. Until then perhaps the best
we can hope for is that the lesser gods of schism and stalemate reign. This is the
aftermath of the War for the Word and the Battle for the Bible, a long stalemate that tears
at the soul and fabric of the Church, locking us in eternal combat with one another while
our commission in the world goes undone.
How Shall We Then Proceed? Well what do I have to say for myself? What do I
think of the Bible? Primarily I agree with Martin Luther, it is a broken, earthly vessel
that contains the word of God. This leads also to a healthy doctrine of proclamation. If
the Bible is absolutely perfect, complete and inerrantwhy preach, why listen?
Precisely because preaching is a reflection of what scripture isa witness (K. Barth).
The Bible and its contents are a witness to Gods events in the life of Israel and the life of
the Church. It is a human witness to divine things. What does that mean? For example,
I look out my window now and I see that the sky is clear blue. No you say, there is a
The Theological Placard--vol.1 issue 1 8 winter 2013
wisp of a cloud in that blue sky. No, I say, that is merely smoke coming up from
behind the building. We are witnessing the same thing, but we have, in our humanity,
seen things slightly differently. The main truth holds, the sky is blue.
Human Witness to Divine Event. Or, I see a woman crossing the street, she is wearing a
pink pullover. You disagree, the pullover is rose in color, yet we are both witnesses to the
same event, a woman crossing the street. Our humanity is caught, on tape, as it were.
The Bible is an amazing witness to divine events, caught in human frailty. The very fact
that the Bible is recorded in human language speaks of its limits. Human language
cannot possibly express in its finiteness, God, and thrust God upon a paper. Human
language in and of itself is not a thing that can ever express even itself perfectly. Yet God
chooses to apprehend (K. Barth) our language and to use it and us in all our fragility to
convey that which is divine. That is the true beauty of the scripture, that is fully human,
but that it witnesses to divine things in that fullness (and that fullness alone). Does the
Bible contain errorof course it does. It contains all the presuppositions of Peter and
Pauls culture, but that does not mean these presuppositions are inerrant. This would
make the culture of Peter and Paul superior to ours and mean that we would need to bow
down to first century culture as some sort of an idol (which many do thanks to inerrancy).
But, God does not love or hold in esteem one time or people over another. To do so
would mean reaping horrible theological consequences.
The Continuous Inspiration of the Holy Scripture. The Bible is inspired, not in one time
or one place, but always and continually. I do not hold, as is typical, that when we say
the inspiration of scripture that we are merely talking about some magical process
between God and the original authors. (Given advances in form and redaction criticism
these discussions are simply archaic.) We are talking about an ongoing process, certainly
with authors and redactors, but also with the readers and hearers of the word. The word
of God is the word of God because the Spirit of God continually renews its as the word of
God in this breathing of God out of the Bible (proclamation!) into the spirit of the hearer
(proclamation again!). The focus of inerrancy, I think, absolutely kills the Spirit and the
process and prospect of inspiration. It also, I will simply say this frankly, prevaricates
about the nature of the Bible. Because the Bible is continually renewed by the breath of
God, and Gods condescension to speak in our language, the Bible continues to claim
authority over our lives.
A Truthful Witness about the Truth. The Bible is a truthful witness about the Truth. It is
a human witness (via the Spirit) about the Divine. But the Bible is not grounded in itself.
And this grounding is the clear distinction between the position that I propose and what I
understand inerrantists to hold. Inerrantists wish to ground the truthfulness of the Bible
within the infallible Truth of the Bible. Still someone (or group) has to decide that the
Bible so grounds itself. I would prefer to ground the truthfulness of the Bible in the Truth
(I am the Truth!) beyond the Bible. In other words, it is better to have God confirm (via
The Theological Placard--vol.1 issue 1 9 winter 2013
ongoing inspiration) that the Bible is truthful about the Truth than for us to confirm that
the Bible in all of its multivalence is objectively Truth.
Van Til and Barth. Cornelius Van Til of Westminster Seminary rode Barth long and hard
(put away wet and whipped) stating that Barth had subjected the Bible to the subjective
whims of humanity. In fact, Van Til never really understood that Barth had achieved
quite the opposite, and in the end it was the Westminster school that had made fiat
decisions regarding the nature of the scripture. We can control the Bible, but when we
push the matter back to God, the Holy Spirit, and the Truth of Jesus Christ, then we have
to let go of our control, and that is generally frightening to Fundamentalists, who control
the content of scripture precisely because they have deemed it to be the Truth in the way
that they understand it. This it what we must always be cautious of. I should always
choose that the Bible with all its human vagaries is grounded in the objective Truth
beyond it.
Authority and the Bible. I do not wish to convey that the Bible is not the final and
absolute authority for us because the Bible is truthful about that to which it testifies (and
it does not have to be inerrant to be truthful). The Bible is unique and singular in many
ways but surpasses all other documents because its content points to the Truth. Because
of this, the Bible is the sole and primary witness to the Truth (solo scriptura). But the
Bible does not come out of thin air. The Bible is written, crafted, honed, redacted,
formed, passed on and translated over centuries. Unlike Islam, which was a community
that literally came into being from a book, Judaism and Christianity represent
communities that formed a book out of their experience. That is community gave rise to
the book, not the book the community (as in J. Barrs thought). The Evangelical
movement, from my experience, would have it the other way. However, God was and is
involved in the community of saints. The community of saints, under the guidance of the
Spirit (again ongoing inspiration) brought together what is now canon. We lose sight of
the reality that in the first several decades of Christianity there was in fact no New
Testament, and that for the first couple of centuries there was no fixed, universal canon.
The canon itself was formed by community.
Human Process-Divine Inspiration. Now unless we are ready to concede some pretty
grand themes to the Catholics (such as the infallibility of councils or the papacy) we must
also state that the councils and theologians that put the canon together were much like the
Biblical authors: humansgathered together to decide what the canon (the standard)
would be, by which they could measure and refer matters. Any reading of the history of
canonical formation should be enough to convince one that what occurred in that process
was human, all too human! But it is a great matter of faith to state that in spite of this,
and even through this, that Gods Spirit inspired and gently guided the formation of
canon.
The Theological Placard--vol.1 issue 1 10 winter 2013
Christians under the guidance of the Spirit may have decided that the Bible would have
authority over them, but this again is a subjective human assessment. Unless the Spirit
makes it to be authority, validates, confirms, and seals it, it is simply nonsense. It is not
unlike Calvins understanding of Sacrament. We can do all the stuff, make all the claims,
but in the end a Sacrament is only validated if the Spirit seals it.
The Role of Faith. Faith in this matter plays no small role. Inerrant positions arose
primarily because faith in the Bible had been shaken. It is important to locate why
inerrancy came into the picture, and it is this simple idea that faith in the Bible had been
shaken. But for me this is misplaced faith, as my faith is not grounded in the Bible, but in
that (who!) which is beyond and above it. Had this issue been properly addressed at
Niagara and by The Fundamentals, all of the gymnastics that followed might have been
avoided. I do not believe in the Bible because of a thousand pieces of archeological
evidence, or because outside sources confirm its stories. I believe what the Bible says
about that which is beyond it, not because my faith is not grounded in the vagaries of
scripture, for then my faith would be in archeological evidence, which would then be
contingent upon human interpretation, science, and perhaps falter when a piece of
contradictory evidence arose; rather it is grounded in that which is beyond. The Bible is
authoritative, and does guide, shape, and completely form my faith in that to which it
points, but it is certainly not the object of my faith.
Conclusion. I think that inerrantists wish to control the interpretative agenda in part for
the purpose of empire (evangelical leadership). I think evangelical laity are trying by and
large to be faithful to what they have been taught. Evangelical leaders by first stating that
the Bible is inerrant and infallible and then telling us what it means sets up an
Evangelical oligarchical papacy. This of course leads to all manner of other issues which
are beyond our discussion here. The Bible is a wondrously complex book. It is unique
among all books of the world throughout time, not because it is inerrant, but rather
because in its human fragility it witnesses to singularly unique divine events. In the end I
am not troubled in the least that the scripture is not inerrant, frankly I would be
suspicious if it were so. I think that my view is a high view, not only of scripture, but
also of preaching. More than that, it keeps my eyes on the author and finisher of our
faith, Jesus Christ.
The Theological Placard--vol.1 issue 1 11 winter 2013
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 11 winter 2013
Groovy Tunes and
Burnt offerings
The Descent
of the
Evangelicals
The Bible is Inerrant
Creating Straw Men
Growing Intolerance of Others
Denial of Clear Scientic Evidence
Development of Pseudo-Science
Industry
Creation of Nationalistic
Heilsgeschichte
Marriage with Political
Party
Development of a Political Religion
Idolatry, Ignorance, and
Disaster
The Descent of the Evangelicals
Christianity
Descent of the Evangelicals is an adaptation of E.J. Paces famous Descent of the
Modernists. It appeared in William Jennings Bryans Seven Questions in Dispute in
1924.
A SELECTION FROM MARTIN LUTHERS TABLE
TALK: THE TRUE CHURCH
The true church is an assembly or
congregation depending on that which
does not appear, nor may be
comprehended in the mind, namely, Gods
Word; what that says, they believe without
addition, giving God the honor.
We tell our Lord God plainly, that if he
will have his church, he must maintain and
defend it; for we can neither uphold nor
protect it; if we could, indeed, we should
become the proudest asses under heaven.
But God says: I say it, I do it; it is God only
that speaks and does what he pleases; he
does nothing according to the fancies of
the ungodly, or which they hold for
upright and good.
The great and worldly-wise people
take o!ense at the poor and mean form of
our church, which is subject to many
inrmities, transgressions, and sects,
wherewith she is plagued; for they say the
Church should be altogether pure, holy,
blameless, Gods dove, etc. And the
Church, in the eyes and sight of God, has
such an esteem; but in the eyes and sight
of the world, she is like unto her
bridegroom, Christ Jesus, torn, spit on,
derided, and crucied.
The similitude of the upright and true
Church and of Christ, is a poor silly sheep;
but the similitude of the false and
hypocritical Church, is a serpent, an adder.
Where Gods word is purely taught,
there is also the upright and true church;
for the true church is supported by the
Holy Spirit, not by succession of
inheritance. It does not follow, though St.
Peter had been bishop at Rome, and at the
same time Christian communion had been
at Rome, that, therefore, the pope and the
Romish church are true; for if that should
be of value or conclusive, then they must
needs confess that Caiaphas, Annas, and
the Sadducees were also the true church;
for they boasted that they were descended
from Aaron.
It is impossible for the Christian and
true Church to subsist without the
shedding of blood, for her adversary, the
devil, is a liar and a murderer. The church
grows and increases through blood; she is
sprinkled with blood; she is spoiled and
bereaved of her blood; when human
creatures will reform the church, then it
costs blood.
The form and aspect of the world is
like a paradise; but the true Christian
Church, in the eye of the world, is foul,
deformed, and o!ensive; yet, nevertheless,
in the sight of God, she is precious,
beloved, and highly esteemed. Aaron, the
high priest, appeared gloriously in the
temple, with his ornaments and rich attire,
with odoriferous and sweet-smelling
perfumes; but Christ appeared most mean
and lowly.
Wherefore I am not troubled that the
world esteems the Church so meanly; what
care I that the usurers, the nobility, gentry,
citizens, country-people, covetous men,
and drunkards, condemn and esteem me
as dirt? In due time, I will esteem them as
little. We must not su!er ourselves to be
deceived or troubled as to what the world
thinks of us. To please the good is our
virtue.
The Church is misery on earth, rst,
that we may keep in mind we are banished
servants, and exiled out of Paradise for
Adams sake. Secondly, that we may
always remember the misery of the Son of
God, who, for our sake, was made man,
walked in this vale of misery, su!ered for
us, died, and rose again from the dead,
and so brought us again to our paternal
home, whence we were driven. Thirdly,
that we may remember our habitation is
not of this world, but that we are here only
as strangers and pilgrims; and that there is
another and everlasting life prepared for
us.
Theological Placard 12 winter 2013
Really Dead Theologians:
Great Stuff from Classic Theologians
The very name, the Church, is the
highest argument and proof of all
hypocrites. The Pharisees, the scribes, yea,
the whole senate of Jerusalem, cried out
against Stephen, and said: This man
ceases not to speak blasphemous words
against this holy place and the law. Many,
bore and do bear the name and title of the
church. But Moses nely solves this
agreement: They have moved me to
jealousy with that which is not God, they
have provoked me to anger with their
vanities; and I will move them to jealousy
with those which are not a people: I will
provoke them to anger with a foolish
nation. Here was quid pro quo; as if God
should say: Could you nd in your hearts
to forsake me? so can I again forsake you;
for God and nation, the Word and the
church, are correlativea; the one cannot
be without the other.
The Amaranth is a ower that grows
in August; it is more a stalk than a ower,
is easily broken o!, and grows in joyful
and pleasant sort; when all other owers
are gone and decayed, then this, being
sprinkled with water, becomes fair and
green again; so that in winter they used to
make garlands thereof. It is called
amaranth from this, that it neither withers
nor decays.
I know nothing more like unto the
Church than this ower, amaranth. For
although the Church bathes her garment
in the blood of the Lamb, and is colored
over with red, yet she is more fair, comely,
and beautiful than any state and assembly
upon the face of the earth. She alone is
embraced and beloved of the Son of God,
as his sweet and amiable spouse, in whom
only he takes joy and delight, and
whereupon his heart alone depends; he
utterly rejects and loathes others, that
condemn or falsify his gospel.
Moreover, the Church willingly su!ers
herself to be plucked and broken o!, that
is, she is loving, patient, and obedient to
Christ her bridegroom in the cross; she
grows and increases again, fair, joyful, and
pleasant, that is, she gains the greatest
fruit and prot thereby; she learns to know
God aright, to call upon him freely and
undauntedly, to confess his word and
doctrine, and produces many fair and
glorious virtues.
At last, the body and stalk remain
whole and sound, and cannot be rooted
out, although raging and swelling be made
against some of the members, and these
be torn away. For like as the amaranth
never withers or decays, even so, the
Church can never be destroyed or rooted
out. But what is most wonderful, the
amaranth has this quality, that when it is
sprinkled with water, and dipped therein,
it becomes fresh and green again, as if it
were raised and wakened from the dead.
Even so likewise the Church will by God be
raised and wakened out of the grace, and
become living again; will everlastingly
praise, extol, and laud the Father of our
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, his Son and
our Redeemer, together with the Holy
Ghost. For though temporal empires,
kingdoms, and principalities have their
changing, and like owers soon fall and
fade away, this kingdom, which is so
deep-rooted, by no power can be
destroyed or wasted, but remains
eternally.
An olive tree will live and bear fruit
two hundred years; `tis an image of the
Church; oil symbolizes the gentle love of
the Gospel, as wine emblems the doctrine
of the law. There is such a natural unity
and a"nity between the vine and the olive
tree, that when the branch of a vine is
grafted upon an olive tree, it bears both
grapes and olives. In like manner, when
the Church, which is Gods Word, is
planted in peoples hearts, then it teaches
both the law and the Gospel, using both
doctrines, and from both winning fruit.
The chestnut tree, in that it produces all
the better fruit when it is soundly beaten,
shadows forth man submissive to the law,
whose actions are not agreeable to God,
until he has been tried by tribulation. The
Theological Placard 13 winter 2013
lemon tree, with its fruit, gures Christ;
the lemon tree has the property of bearing
fruit at all seasons; when its fruits are ripe,
they drop o!, and are succeeded by a
fresh growth; and this fruit is a sure
remedy against poison. Jesus Christ, when
his ministers and champions depart from
earth, replaces them by others; his
produce is ever growing, and it is a sure
remedy against the poison of the devil.
I much marvel that the pope extols his
church at Rome as the chief, whereas the
church at Jerusalem is the mother; for
there the doctrine was rst revealed, and
set forth by Christ, the son of God himself,
and by his apostles. Next was the church
at Antioch, whence the Christians have
their name. Thirdly, was the church at
Alexandria; and still before the Romish
were the churches of the Galatians, of the
Corinthians, Ephesians, of the Philippians,
etc. Is it so great a matter that St. Peter
was at Rome? which, however, has never
yet been, nor ever will be proved, whereas
our blessed Savior Christ himself, was at
Jerusalem, where all the articles of our
Christian faith were made; where St. James
received his orders, and was bishop, and
where the pillars of the Church had their
seat.
The papists rely upon this: the church
cannot err; we are the church, ergo, we
cannot err. To the major, I make this
answer: true, the Church cannot err in
doctrine, but in works and actions she may
easily err, yea, and often does err; and
therefore she prays: Forgive us our
trespasses, etc. The minor I utterly deny.
Therefore when they argue and say: What
the church teaches uprightly and pure, is
true, this we admit; but when they argue
and say: what the Church does is upright
and true, this we deny.
Many boast of their title to the
Church, whereas they know not the true
Church; the holy prophets much opposed
the false church. The prophet Isaiah, in the
beginning of his rst chapter, describes
two sorts of churches. The upright and
true church is a very small heap and
number, of little or no esteem, and lying
under the cross. But the false church is
pompous, boasting, and presuming; she
ourishes, and is held in high repute, like
Sodom, of which St. Paul complains, in
Romans 6 and 9. The true Church consists
in Gods election and calling; she is
powerful and strong in weakness.
One of the juggling of the sophists,
wherewith the ungodly wretches deceive
simple people, is this: a kingdom, say
they, which is plagued and tormented, is a
temporal kingdom. The Christian Church is
plagued and tormented: ergo, Christs
kingdom is a temporal kingdom. But I
answer them: No, not so; the kingdom of
Christ is not plagued, but our bodies, by
reason of our sins, are plagued and
tormented. As St. Paul says: We must
through much tribulation enter into the
kingdom of God. He says not that the
kingdom of God su!ers externally. It is
equally false when they say, God is love,
God justies, therefore love justies.
Such, and the like fallacies, may
sometimes puzzle even understanding
minds, well exercised and practiced;
therefore we must take time to answer
them, for every one cannot so suddenly
detect them.
Theological Placard 14 winter 2013
Theological Trivia Time!
The rst line of the Nicene
CreedWe believe in God
t he Fa t he r Al mi g ht y
Creator of heaven and
earthwas craf ted i n
response to what sects
beliefs?
Quotidian Quotes
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 15 winter 2013
I do not feel obliged to believe
that the same God who has
endowed us with sense, reason,
and intellect has intended us
to forgo their use.
--Galileo Galilei-- !orry does not emp"
#morrow of its sorrow; i$
emp%es #day of its s&eng'.
-- (orrie Ten Boo)--
He wno r|sks and fa||s can
be forg|ven. He wno never
r|sks and never fa||s |s a
fa||ure |n n|s wno|e be|ng.
--|au| 1||||cn--
Let us not be satisfied with just
giving money. Money is not
enough, money can be got, but
they need your hearts to love
them. So, spread your love
everywhere you go.
--Mother Teresa--
The trinitarian relationship of the
Father, the Son, and the Holy
Spirit is so wide that the whole
creation can nd space, time, and
freedom in it.
!!Jrgen Moltmann!!
^ ,- ~- |- - -- ---- ~--| -
-| -- ?---\\-
1ne |ost D|ar|es of Jonn Ca|v|n, |art '
Geneva, Switzerland: Theological scholars from the University of
Heidelberg have just located in an ancient sewage system lost journal entries from
Genevan Reformer John Calvin. Prof. Karl berhanger of Basel University describes the
discovery in one word: wunderbartollnettausgezeichnet! Prof. Eberhard Kranker of the
University of Bonn spoke to us in English giving this insightful comment: this is really
neat. He further commented that Calvin scholars everywhere would undoubtedly be
tickled pink. Boring us to tears was Prof. Gerhard Volker who said: this is a triumph of
the bondaged will. The diaries are the most personal and candid feelings that we have
from Calvin. His most secret Freudian soul is revealed in these entries. American scholar
Prof. Allen A. Messer-Smith-Jones-Barnes of the Institute for Advanced Calvinistic
Studies in the Americas-Bayside simply shrugged his shoulders saying: it would
certainly be years before non-European scholars were allowed to see the documents
and then only through some thoroughly screwed-up, half-ass translation that would slow
American scholarship by decades. As he walked off he was heard to say damn German
theologians always trying to keep us down!
However, in a great covert action, special ops forces from Yale Divinity School have
parachuted into Geneva, overpowered the entire Swiss army and brought back to the
United States the coveted Lost Diaries of John Calvin, while simultaneously
confiscating all 150 Taschenmessers carried by the Swiss army. We are privileged to
bring to the public for the first time fragments of this historic find. We apologize
beforehand for the thoroughly screwed up translation. Yale has announced that it will
begin producing a 500-volume critical edition of the diaries.
10 January 1530: I told my dad today that I didnt want to be a lawyer. Boy was he sore.
I told him I didnt want to spend my days spinning out detailed briefs; that stuff bores me
to death. I wanted to do something important like reform the Church. That seems
exciting! Its really a cesspool in Rome, I hear. Besides I was reading Romans today and
I had a great breakthrough, it could revolutionize the Churchthe just shall live by faith.
Wow, this is great stuff!
20 January 1530: Bummer, just learned some guy named Luther beat me to the really
big reform stuff and also the recovery of the just shall live by faith. Damn. Went to
tavern.
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 16 winter 2013
15 March 1533: Well, I started to preach Luthers stuff, but my way. That guys thoughts
are a little scattered. I think I can organize myself a little better than that. Anyway I got
up and started preaching in the marketplace today. The local priest got pissed. Then
some boys from the newly formed Congregation of the Inquisition started to talk tough
with me and told me I had better get out of town if I knew what was good for me. I told
them that they were depraved and that I would never leave France.
12 May 1536: Geneva is a really cool place. Ran into a guy named Farel, he seems hip.
The Genevan council wants to make me senior pastor. I told them I really wasnt sure I
wanted to do that. They told me that they had already voted and that I had been
unconditionally elected; there would be no further discussion. I told them I wanted to be
governor too. Here is a place where a great reformed society can flourish.
2 February 1537: Most people dont know Im married. Its a little game I play. But today
everyone knew. Idelette made me a coat with a fur collar and a hat with ear flaps. The
people of Geneva were making fun of me calling me doggy ears. The collar really
itches.
29 September 1537: I shut down most of the taverns today and then insisted on a
personal wine allotment of 10,000 liters a year. The common man is just not to be
trusted with booze. I didnt just do this arbitrarily, no. Last Saturday night the town
drunk, Karl Vertrunken, had pushed me too far. It was three oclock in the blessed A.M.
when he climbed the Church bell tower, rang the large bell and started bellowing out that
blasted Ein Feste Berg at the top of his lungs. This the day after I mandated that only
Psalms be sung at Church. Lutheran insolence.
22 January 1538: I had a little run-in with the Genevan council today. They seem to
think they run things. I told them they werent God and therefore not sovereign. Then I
told them how things were going to be from then on. They told me I had better watch it
or they would run me out of town. I told them I would never leave Geneva under any
circumstances.
1 February 1538: Strasbourg is really a cool place.
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 17 winter 2013
1ne |ost D|ar|es of Jonn Ca|v|n Cont|nued:
1ne 5ervetus |ntr|es

Geneva, Switzerland: As reported in our last installment, biblical
scholars from the University of Heidelberg have discovered in an
abandoned sewer system the lost diaries of John Calvin. Scholars have been
working feverishly to translate these unique documents. Perhaps one of the
most anticipated sections of the diaries are those related to Michael
Servetus, Calvins greatest foe. Commenting on this section of the diary,
theological profiler Prof. Jrgen Freigucken of the University of Tbingen
could only say: Sick, sick, sick puppy. Prof. Alister McAlister from the
University of Exeter commented: This is, of course, one of the most beastly
episodes in the history of the Reformation. I think, if we havent already done
so, it would be most appropriate and reflect the best of intentions if the
Churches of Calvinistic heritage would apologize for this outrage to the
entire Servetus family. American scholar Prof. Allen A. Messer-Smith-Jones-
Barnes of the Institute for Advanced Calvinistic Studies in the Americas-
Bayside, simply said: Mark my words, this translation sucks, nothing good
will come of it. Its just the man trying to keep us down. Here without further
adieu are the Lost Diaries of John Calvin: Servetus entries.
7 March 1551: Today I started to receive unsolicited mail from one Michael
Servetus. What an ego! Some of the most boorish stuff I have ever laid my
eyes on. I wrote him back and told him to stop writing me, that his theology
was giving me heartburn. I also warned him to stay clear of Geneva.
17 July 1551: Servetus keeps writing me. I told Farel that I was horribly
distressed by these unwanted communications. Farel tried to cheer me up
by doing his impression of Melanchthon. It usually cheers me so, but today
nothing. Went to my wine cellar, feeling little better.
2 December 1551: Against my warning, he showed up. I was a little
shocked. He seemed conciliatory, and then he asked how he could be of
service! Wow, what a turn around. Praise be to God.
8 November 1552: Well, my excitement was short-lived. I asked Servetus to
take all of the commentaries I wrote to the printer Johannes Hendrickson
Gutenberg. When he came back I looked through all the commentaries.
Wheres Revelation? I ask. Then he claims that I never gave him any
manuscript for Revelation. Whats the next thing I find out? Servetus has
published a commentary on Revelation! I was speechless. I went and ripped
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 18 winter 2013
him a good one. I backhanded him and then he pulled my beard. All this in
the middle of town square! How humiliating. I told him he better saddle his
ass and get out of Geneva. He left. I hope we have heard the last of him.
12 December 1552: Things are going on well. Taverns are shut. Theaters
closed down. My private wine cellar the only gig in town really, except for
that bootlegger Karl Vertrunken who thinks I dont know about his little
agreement with the Catholics up the road. Ill be shutting down his little
operation shortly.
15 March 1553: Just when you think things are going right then up pops that
Servetus character again. He started trash-talking. Hes saying things like
we shouldnt be baptizing babies and God isnt a Trinity. Unitarian freak. Why
would anyone want to send babies to hell? Why cant he just be satisfied
with the simple statement of the Trinity that we have? Why does he have to
make things so hard? I warned him not to come to Geneva again, I told him
we didnt need any Unitarians cluttering up Geneva. He wrote back and said
Oh yeah, well whos gonna make me stay away?
17 April 1553: Well, that tears it! He showed up today in Church. Sat at the
very back. Then he made faces. I could clearly see him mocking me as I
preached. I was getting angrier and angrier. Good thing I had Idelettes dog
ear hat on, it helped to hide some of my fury. Then, where no one could see,
he mooned me! God have mercy. I quickly ended the service. No one
noticed as they never expect communion anyway. I ran out and caught up
with the anti-paedobaptist and told him he was in big trouble.
18 April 1553: I brought him before the council today. Twelve angry men.
Then things went really awry. I told them that Servetus had his head in the
wrong place, and that we had to do something about it. I should have been
more careful with my words. Maybe things would have turned out better if I
had said he needed to get his mind right. Even if they had misunderstood my
direction, they didnt follow it anyway.
20 April 1553: The idiots did it. They burned him and his books. Merde! This
is not gonna go down well for me historically.
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 19 winter 2013
|ost D|ar|es of Jonn Ca|v|n |ound to be |orgery
Geneva, Switzerland: Two installments of the Lost Diaries of
John Calvin, appropriated by Yale Divinity School special op
forces from theologians at Heidelberg University, who had
earlier this year discovered them in an abandoned sewer pipe in Geneva,
have already been released. A third installment was ready for release when
breaking news from Princeton Theological Seminary interrupted their
publication. Prof. Hans Dieterhof, director of the theological fraud detection
unit at Princeton, said that he was 100% convinced of the documents lack of
province. This is a sad day for theological studies everywhere. But it is an
especially bad day for YDSs recruiting office, he said smiling. Earlier Yale
had announced the publication of a 500-volume critical edition of the diaries.
Prof. Margaret Young, director of the program could not be reached for
comment. She was last seen at Morys in New Haven holding a Mai Tai
surrounded by over twenty-five little paper umbrellas. Friends say she just
kept banging the table with her fist saying over and over I was so close to
tenure.
When asked what were some of the signs that this document was not
authentic, Prof. Dieterhof said there were a number of factors. It seems that
the document was produced on a PC using the calligrapher font. It was then
apparently soaked in lemon juice and charred on the edges using a Cuban
cigar. This cunning forgery almost had us convinced, says Dieterhof, until
we sent it to the University of Arizona for carbon dating last week. The
results? Apparently the document was less than a month old. However,
Prof. Johnson of the University of Arizonas carbon dating lab was quick to
add that the dating could be off as much as a week or two. But perhaps
most disturbing was the departure from Calvins usual style of writing.
Nowhere in any of Calvins writings do we find him using phrases such as:
damn, merde, pissed, saddle his ass, mooned, or Unitarian freak, said
Dieterhof. They just seem out of character for Calvin.
Then there were the historical inaccuracies. One would think that
somewhere along the line someone would have caught at least one of them.
Dieterhof says I mean, really, there is no historical record anywhere that
Farel did impressions of anyone, let alone Melanchthon. Or how about the
fact that the diaries report that Calvin is married three years before he was?
Or the fact that Calvins conversion happens to occur in the diaries before it
does in history? The Congregation of Inquisition isnt formed at that time
either. The seemingly only historical fact we have been able to verify from
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 20 winter 2013
the forgery is the bootlegger Karl Vertrunken who did seem to have some
sort of nefarious association with the Catholic priest the next village over.
Our reporter finally caught up with Prof. Young, surprising her at dawns first
light as she came out of Morys. Lies, all New School lies! she yelled. She
went on to say that she and Dieterhof had a long professional rivalry and that
he was simply jealous that she was rewriting Reformation history. She also
said that she thought the carbon dating was seriously messed up and that
creation scientists had run into similar problems with the process, but then
quickly added that she could have used a better example, and that she was
in no way endorsing creation science. She concluded by saying that what
she really wanted to say was that those opposing the find simply had their
heads in the wrong place and that she would continue the fight to prove the
validity of these diaries.
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 21 winter 2013
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 22 winter 2013
Final Depictions
Bad Faith Wrapped in a Glossy
Brochure
I got it in the mail the other day and
admittedly I am rather obsessed with the
thing. It is a twenty page glossy brochure
eleven inches long and eight and one-half
inches high from my denominationthe
Reformed Church in America. It is a sight
to behold, a true grotesque and monstrous
monument to the merger of church with
capitalism and commercialism. It is a
paragon of slick language and an attempt
at reied sang-froid jargon (see I can do it
too!) intended to impress and therefore
sway. It is replete with color pictures, ow
charts, pie charts, jumbled facts and
numbers, just the right number of
acronyms, and moving pictures of
predominately middle-aged Dutch white
guys praying fervently over all this
gobbledygook to give it that pious after-
glow. There is also a touch of scripture
and theological lingo to make it sound just
right. The language is enough to twitter-
pate any person fascinated with pseudo-
marketing. Just look at the offerings:
Kingdom Enterprise Zones (KEZ for short
does this make us Kezzites?),
collaboration, multiplication initiative,
revitalization, implementation team, zone
development, bridge grant, empowering,
evaluating, expanding, equipping, and zone
metrics to list a few. I am tingling all over,
like an Amway newbie at his rst meeting.
Did I say Amway? I guess I did.
This whole thing is funded in large
part by DeVos money, and by that I mean
Amway money. I feel just like an Amway
rookie, when the light nally comes on and
I nd myself crushed under a pyramid of
power I frankly did not know existed. As
far as I can tell none of this has gone
through any sort of proper polity channels,
making the enterprise not only illegal by
my denominations polity but also
assaulting its foundational theological
understanding of covenant. Mostly our
leaders will remedy this in the end, making
it look entirely copacetic, but it is simply
an exercise in Sartrean bad faith in my
book. We are headed for a full on merger
between the Reformed Church in America
and the Christian Reformed Church without
so much as a single vote being cast by any
assembly (knowing that this is what is
happening). We are to be assimilated, and
yes resistance is probably futile.
I would write to The Church Herald
to at least get whatever look the cat can
take at the king before it is all over and
done with, but alas my (our!) voice has
been silenced and we are left with RCA
Today. Thats the Reformed version of
Pravda comrade. Mark my words an
inevitable it just happened while we
werent looking merger is about to occur
and there is very little you and I can do
about it. Some of us may want to do
nothing about it, but we should. By the
nature of how it is being done, integrity,
transparency, and fundamental honesty
are being jeopardized, among a plethora of
other things, and that should be of
concern to everyone.
Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 23 winter 2013
But let us return for a moment to
Jean-Paul Sartre and his idea of bad faith.
Sartre said: To be sure, the one who
practices bad faith is hiding a displeasing
truth or presenting as truth a pleasing
untruth. I tend to believe that both sides
of Sartres concept of bad faith are
currently presenting themselves in the
Reformed Church in America. Further,
Sartre maintains: bad faith does not come
from outside to human reality . . . the one
to whom the lie is told and the one who
lies are one and the same person. In
other words we are lying to ourselves and
we have only ourselves to blame.
We lie to ourselves and we practice
bad faith every time we abandon our polity
for expediency. We lie to ourselves and
practice bad faith every time we forsake
our Reformed theology in favor of laissez-
faire economies and market analysis. We
lie to ourselves and we practice bad faith
every time we loose focus of the Missio Dei
and opt for a human engineering of church
growth. We lie to ourselves and practice
bad faith every time we put strange res
upon the altar of the Lord and coat it with
a thin veneer of pious and expected
language to placate the faithful. We lie to
ourselves and practice bad faith if we do
not think that in the end we have done
nothing more nor less than thrown our
treasures into baskets and crafted a
golden calf around which we can rst say,
This is the Lord God who has delivered
us, and then reecting, understand we are
also saying, This is the Lord God, and we
have therefore delivered ourselves. Bad
faith does come in glossy packages.

Theological Placard vol. 1 issue 1 24 winter 2013