Rebecca Waite COMM 2110 Tamra Phillips Personal Change Report

Overview This report details some theories, examples, and results from my six week personal change project. I worked on being less focused on having a win-at-all costs attitude when it came to arguments, particularly with my roommates. The strategies I practiced were being flexible, providing positive responses to find common ground, apologizing when needed, and not being an ambush listener. I was fairly successful in changing my unwanted behavior. Unwanted Communication Pattern The unwanted communication pattern I wanted to change was being too aggressive and emotionally involved when it came to winning debates to the point that friendships were possibly being damaged. An example of this: One of my former roommates, Kari, and I disagree about virtually everything. She comes over to my house often since she is friends with my current roommates, and we would always end up yelling at each other. It was a very unhealthy relationship because we werent following the tips the textbook gives for managing anger during arguments (Beebe, 2011, p. 241). When we would be in an argument, particularly about

political issues, I would listen for any cues that could be twisted to be seen as wrong or ridiculous and then jump on her, even using the racist card a couple times. We never expressed empathy towards each other. Another example of arguing was with a friend, Mike. When I met Mike I was in the middle of the personal change journal and was paying a lot of attention to how I acted while arguing. When something would come up that Mike and I disagreed on I tried to see things his way and get us out of debating territory, even if I might have been perceived as a pushover. A specific example: we are both huge Harry Potter fans and were yelling at each other about whether Snape was truly good or not, but I said, I can see that Im not going to change your mind tonight and we started talking about something else. Strategies The first strategy I used was being flexible-- most people are going to react negatively if you act like you are always right (Beebe, 2011, p. 175). The second strategy I used was finding common ground through positive responses-confirming that someone elses ideas are also valued and finding things you can agree on is going to improve relationships (Beebe, 2011, p. 147). The third strategy I used was not being an ambush listener-- someone who only listens to the speaker until they can pounce on something that they disagree with is called an ambush listener (Beebe, 2011, p. 126) and is very damaging to relationships. Its important to let people

finish their thought before you disagree with them, even if you think you know what theyre going to say. The last strategy I used was apologizing. All of us are going to make mistakes in our communications, and I tried to apologize when I did. Apologizing can repair relational stress and is likely to help both parties have a more positive end view of the situation (Beebe, 2011, p. 177). Apologies are especially useful if the relationship has been rough for a while. I expected these strategies to help me mostly because I was focusing on the issue of arguing. When I pay attention to something I put myself on my best behavior and it is easier to avoid bad habits. I also expected my journaling to help. The easiest strategy to implement was being flexible and the most difficult one was finding common ground. The theory behind being flexible, to me, is that you will be perceived as more open, less aggressive, and a better overall person. Even if I didnt agree with someone, making the concession that you might not always be right does a lot to establish healthy friendships. This is important for groups of friends who spend a lot of time together because everyone should be involved with the give-and-take flow. The theory behind finding common ground through positive responses is that the two parties might not agree on everything, but talking about something that they do have in common will make them like each other better. The theory behind not being an ambush listener is that people can get their points across without being jumped on and having their words twisted. When I am listening for buzz

words that mean I disagree and I jump in and say, Oh, you believe that? when its clearly not what they meant, that relationship is not going to prosper. Example of being flexible: If I am planning a carpool with a friend and she wants to go get groceries or something first I have to realize that I have been an inconvenience to others at some point and not make a big deal of it. Example of finding common ground through positive responses: Making sure to say, Yes, I can see your point. That makes sense. Constraints I didnt have a lot of problems with these changes, but there were a few. It was hard for me to find common ground with some people, and I struggled with being seen as a pushover. Implementation Most of the changes that I made were mental, so its kind of difficult to document. I did work hard at letting people finish their thoughts so I wasnt coming off as an ambush listener. Once we had people over for dinner and one of them, Jonathon, was being really obnoxious with his extreme opinions, but I let him finish all his thoughts even though I disagreed. One documentable change that I made was apologizing when I felt I was wrong or out of line. I apologized a lot more during those six weeks than I did before, and I think thats for the better. Im sorry, I shouldnt have said what I did. I hope you can forgive me.

Dealing with constraints was just basically realizing that I had to stop letting minor things bother me if I really wanted to improve my friendships. Finding common ground can be difficult, but when you really work at it it is possible. I planned to avoid getting into arguments, but that didnt really happen. Im still a very passionate person who wants to be right, so most of my strategies had to be used towards ending or de-escalating arguments since I wasnt that great at avoiding them. A specific situation: my roommates and I were in a debate about morals vs. scientific progress and some certain medical procedures that are being developed. We did get into an argument, but because I was focused on finding common ground through positive responses, the conflict didnt do any damage to our friendship. Starting sentences with, I agree with you when it comes to ____ makes conflicts of ideas seem less harsh. Results Most of the consequences I experienced were positive. I was able to salvage my relationship with Kari, which I didnt think was possible. Apologizing has gotten easier as Ive done it more. I became a little less judgmental as I sought to find common ground with people instead of immediately rejecting their opinions as invalid. The only real negative effect was that people I met during this period seemed to perceive me as more of a pushover than I would like. I am already quiet with new people, and so trying to not to be so intense about my opinions didnt really help my image. I know there is

a happy medium between being completely dedicated to winning and just giving up on an argument, but I was not very successful at finding it. I would say that my experience is about what the text led me to expect. I made some new friends, improved my relationship with my roommates, and was able to revive a friendship that I thought was completely dead. Recommendations I would recommend finding a way to deal with being seen as a pushover, like I talked about. Otherwise this plan worked well because it focused on inner change, not just outward behaviors or trying to force someone else to change. I will probably continue doing this, because I liked the way it improved my relationships. If I do continue it I will expect that arguments will still happen, but that I can deal with them in a healthy manner. I will also allow myself to explore new theories and ways to continue to express strong emotion without being so dedicated to winning arguments. Works Cited Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2011). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson Education/ Allyn & Bacon.