How to Talk to Your Kindergartener

Sometimes, it's necessary to send your child a verbal stop sign. Whether you need her to stop hitting, tattling, putting someone down, or using inappropriate language, you need to communicate that desire by using parent talk that is clear and direct. But how to go about it? You know that being firm and consistent is essential, but what if it's ust not working? !ere's what you need to know about talking to your kindergartener in terms that she will respond to. "elling a child to #stop whining,$ or #stop calling your brother names% can send a red light signal that he needs to stop his current behavior. But it produces short&term results, and only some of the time. "o produce long&term behavior change, parents need clear communication that not only identifies the behavior that needs to stop, but suggests an alternative behavior to take the place of the undesirable one. 'or long&term effectiveness, red light parent talk needs a green light to accompany it. "he red light(green light system consists of two parts) the red light phase, which communicates #stop,$ and the green light phase, which teaches a new behavior or gives a #go.$ "he %stop% may be your number one priority. But if you want your child to learn new behaviors that permanently replace the old ones, you need to arrange your language patterns to communicate a %go%, too. !ere's a step&by&step guide to implementing this approach with your child) *. +ed light language begins by identifying the behavior by name, such as, #,ohn, that's name&calling.$ -t's very important that you call the behavior by the same name every time. -t matters less what you call it, and more that you stick with the name you decide upon for every occurrence. -n other words, if you call the behavior %whining% one time, don't call it %complaining% later. .. "he second part of the red light phase communicates to the child that the behavior is inappropriate or doesn't work with you, such as, #We don't allow put& downs in this family.$ /. 0ombine both parts of the red light phase to send a clear signal to the child to stop. #,ohn, that's name&calling. We voted at the family meeting last week to eliminate that behavior.$ 4. 1nce again, always follow a red light with a green light. "he %go% step is where you teach the new behavior to tell your child what does work with you. 'or e2ample, #3lease tell her what you want to have happen and share how you're feeling.$ When you use clear parent talk, you teach your child that she is only one choice away from getting what she wants or from acting appropriately. When you teach her the new behavior, you empower her to be able to make that choice immediately. 4nd guess what? You make her more capable and more likely to make the appropriate choice, now and in the future.

According to the School Psychologist: Kindergarten

"ry e2plaining to your 5 year old that the ice cube in her glass of uice was once a tiny puddle of water, or conversely, that the glass of uice itself could be fro6en into a yummy popsicle, and you might not have much luck. 0hildren in the kindergarten set process the world around them by how things appear visually. 4ccording to 7r. 8aurie 9elinger, 3h.7., a certified school psychologist with over thirty years e2perience, children of this age are #egocentric, and are governed by how something visually appears. "hey do not understand that a ball of clay has the same amount in it when the same ball is rolled into a long snake.$ Since children of this age lack the understanding that something can change form and still retain its original properties :or eventually return to them ; as an ice cube melting back into water<, they see rules as absolute and concrete. "o a kindergartener a rule cannot be broken for no other reason than the simple fact that she was taught the rule, and rules are to be followed. =nlike an older child who may see rules as fle2ible and attempt to interpret or negotiate them, kindergarten aged children perceive rules as unyielding law. "his is why even a small violation of a playground or classroom rule by a peer can be met with such an e2treme level of frustration and protest. 4ccording to 9elinger, #"he gap between reality and fantasy is not yet firmly established. "his results in fears rooted in both real and imagined concepts.$ "he black&and&white viewpoint that children in this age group employ to see the world results in a desire to engage in familiar activities, and often new or unknown situations are perceived as distasteful or scary. 7r. 9elinger states, #0hildren in this age range want familiar routines and do not like new situations. "hey are often frustrated by the rift between their desires and actual abilities, which may lead to outbursts because of the limited resources available to them.$ So what is the best way to help your child through this all&important phase of development? 4ccording to 8icensed >arriage and 'amily "herapist and 3arenting 0oach 8ori 8andau, #Structure, support, and security are going to be your top three concerns for your child throughout the growing years.$ -f your child has a support system at home rooted in these three concepts, she will have a better chance of thriving, both in the kindergarten years and well beyond.

Power Struggles with Your Kindergartener: How to Curb Dishonesty

3arents :mothers, especially< are infamously good at knowing when their child is lying. 7espite your intuition, it can still hurt to be right. 0linical psychologist ?rik 'isher says understanding why your child lies can help take the sting out. 3lus, it's important to your child's development) if you stay emotionally balanced, you can better focus on helping him fi2 the behavior. -n his book, The Art of Empowered Parenting, :1vation Books, .@@A< 'isher says children most often lie to avoid feeling shame, embarrassment, humiliation or the old classic #- didn't want to get in trouble.$ !e points out that those are the same reasons adults lie, too. 4nd therein lies the rub) 1ur culture #is surrounded by e2aggerations, cover&ups and outright lies, whether in our homes, from our politicians, or in the media,$ 'isher says. 3arents can help clear up these mi2ed messages by avoiding those little white lies themselves. Because it is all around them, most kids give lying a try. #- think that kids lie more at younger ages because they're trying to see how it work,% 'isher says. !e stresses that this is part of a child's natural development and isn't necessarily a psychological problem. "hat said, repetitive and continued lying can be a symptom of low self&esteem, attachment problems, and an2iety. !ere are some of 'isher's guidelines for handling those pesky, and often hurtful, fibs)

Set immediate conseBuences when children lie. 'or e2ample, a letter of apology to the person they lied to. -f your child lied to cover up something she did wrong, give her two separate conseBuences and clearly e2plain that the second conseBuence is for failing to tell the truth. %-f parents talk to their kids about their actions and help them see how their actions affect things like trust, security, friendships, freedoms, and responsibilities, they will see that lying is a short term fi2 and creates a longer&term problem,% 'isher says. "alk to your children about their motivations for lying. 'isher says kids of kindergarten age often don't reali6e the way that lies affect relationships because they still see themselves as the center of the universe and are only looking at how they benefit from a lie. 0reate an environment where it's easy to tell the truth, by calmly handling your child's mistakes and problems. %-f kids feel afraid of their parents and the conseBuences, they're more likely to hide things from them,% 'isher says.

"he ne2t time your child tries to pull your leg, don't push away in anger. -nstead, help him understand there are alternatives to lying that make everyone feel better about themselves. !imself included.

Social Graces: What to !"ect in Kindergarten

3

When your kindergartener's best friend came down with the chicken po2, she made a get&well card for her with bright blue construction paper, because she knows that's her favorite color. "his isn't ust a cute gesture, it's a sign that your child's social relationships are gaining in comple2ity and that she is starting to understand the concept of empathy. -n a nutshell, empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, and show others that you understand. 0indy 3ost Senning, great&granddaughter of manners guru ?mily 3ost, says you can leverage your childCs newfound empathy to teach manners and good behavior. !ow does this work? Basically, 3ost says empathy is like muscle memory) if your child can remember how bad it feels to be called names, the ne2t time she gets angry with her little brother she may refrain from using words against him. -n The Gift of Good Manners: A Parents Guide to Raising Respectful, ind, !onsiderate !hildren, :!arper+esource, .@@.<, 3ost and co&author 3eggy 3ost outline what parents can do to help their children develop empathy) Teach #alues: "each honesty by never telling falsehoods in front of your child. "ake a simple e2ample) spinach. Your childCs hatred of the leafy green always causes a stir at grandmaCs house. ?2plain to your child that itCs okay to be honest, as long as you follow it up with a positive remark) #Drandma, - donCt really care for spinach. But your potatoes are the bestE$ "his is better than the alternative&&stating youCre full and then pigging out on apple pieE Groo$ %& &S&P& &C&T: 3arents should build on the notion of sportsmanship. 'or e2ample, if your child is angry at his 8ittle 8eague coach for making him play outfield when he wanted to pitch, brainstorm possible reasons why the coach might have done it that way. -tCs important to show your child that everyone makes mistakes. Work on Co$$unication: -f a child has difficulty making eye contact with people, try making a game out of it. "he ne2t time she's invited to a birthday party, see if she can remember the color of everyoneCs eyes. ncourage Table 'anners: "each your child to make basic table conversation by asking 7ad, #!ow was your day?$ Get (ut&and&About: 'or every event, prepare your kindergartener by giving him a short list of e2pected behaviors. "hey may not be ready for an upscale ball, but kids of this age are capable of >anners *@*. So set some e2pectationsE Your child is able to practice making basic introductions, such as %!i, my name is 8isa,$ but 3ost says you shouldn't e2pect your child to introduce their friends and teachers yet. By focusing on basic social skills in Findergarten, you are providing your child with a solid foundation which they can build upon in the later grades.

)ullying in Kindergarten
Does bullying really e!ist a$ong kindergarten children* The answer is a clear yes+ Some teachers and parents may still Buestion this evidence, thinking that 4

young children are not capable of #so much meanness$. Based on our research and research from colleagues during the past *5 years , we can say that children do not need to be #mean$ to bully peers. "hey ust have to learn that their behavior is rewarding and they will keep on with their attacks. +esearch on bullying in kindergarten is still new. Gevertheless, all studies conducted in different countries have demonstrated that bullying occurs at appro2imately the same rate in kindergarten as in elementary school :*, ., /<. What may differ are the forms of harassment, but the general features are similar. 4n e2ample) Mi"e would very much li"e to play with #arah, Andrew, and #imon$ %e sometimes as"s &ut usually gets the same answer: they dont want him$ They ha&itually ignore him or they tell him he is good for nothing$ %owever, sometimes they as" him to 'oin$ Thats when they want to play family and need a dog$ (ogs do not spea" and they have to do everything they are told to$ After some ) minutes Mi"e usually gets very sad and runs away$ "his is neither a conflict nor a playful situation among eBual peers. "his is a typical case of bullying and it occurred in a kindergarten and was repeatedly observed by the teacher. -t has all elements of bullying that we know from older school children) 4 child who is repeatedly the target of negative acts, several children who stay together to bully their victim, a situation in which the victim has no chance to defend him(herself and an adult who does not really know if she(he should intervene. )ullying is a Social Proble$ "here is agreement among researchers that bullying is a social problem and we can observe that children take over or are forced into the same kind of roles in kindergarten as those found among older school children. 'urthermore, children in the group can influence the process by helping the victim, supporting the bully, or choosing to ignore what they witness :H<. "he main roles can be described as follows) Children Who Are )ullies We can obser,e children- who$ we call bullies+ "hey have fun in pestering a specific peer using a broad range of negative behaviors. "hese may range from hiding shoes, destroying a picture, saying nasty things, refusing to sit beside the targeted child, to beating, throwing stones and the like. Bullies do not often use physical means to aggress their victim and seem to be rather manipulative knowing very well whom they can aggress against without retaliation, where they can do it unobserved, and even how to get peers to assist them. "hey feel powerful, like ?ric, I years old, who used to say) #-Cm the boss here$. 4lthough percentages in kindergarten vary depending on the assessment methods that were used, . -n our kindergarten studies, combining teacher ratings and peer nominations, we find around *@J of kindergarteners are bullies. "hese children are very well aware of social norms and rules, but they have to learn to respect them. Children Who Are Passi,e #icti$s 1ur studies also indicate that about IJ of kindergarten children can be categori6ed as "assi,e ,icti$s, children who are victimi6ed by the bully and some other peers :the bullyCs assistants< on a regular basis and who do not 5

retaliate when attacked. "eachers often tell us that these young victims are very kind children. -n our research, we find that these kindergarteners usually share belongings, help and console their peers, even if although they do it less often than children who are never involved in bullying or victimi6ed. "hese passive victims also seem to have difficulties asserting themselves, saying #Go, - donCt want thisE$ 'urthermore, they play alone more often than other children and seem to have difficulties making friends, approaching other children, asking peers to play, etc. Got surprisingly, we also find that these children have fewer friends and are less liked by peers than bullies or children who are not involved in bullying at all. -t would be of great help for these children to gain more self&confidence in social relationships. 'or e2ample, they may benefit from in training in assertiveness with non&aggressive peers. 4lso, every e2perience of that enhance their self&competence would be helpful to these children in order to minimi6e their vulnerability in the peer group. Children Who Are Aggressi,e #icti$s "here are also children who themselves behave highly aggressively in the peer group and who become victimi6ed. We call the$ aggressi,e ,icti$s, and our studies indicate that this characteri6es about :around KJ in our studies< of kindergarteners. "hese children are very impulsive and use physical aggression much more often than bullies do. "hey seem to lack self&control and to react all too Buickly and aggressively to provocations or to what they perceive as such. 4nd even if they defend themselves vehemently, they cannot stop the bullying. "heir impulsiveness is also #used$ and manipulated by the bullies, who know how to provoke their outbursts. "hese children also seem to lack skills that are helpful in finding friends, they actually have few friends and are not well liked by peers. Children Who Are Assistants to )ullies "here are also children in the group who do not initiate bullying, but sometimes assist the bullies, and other children who sometimes are bullied, but not as regularly as the victims described above. Children Who Are Witnesses to )ullying 'inally, about half of the children in a kindergarten group never bully peers and are never attacked by peers. 1ur studies show that these children often feel angry or sad when they witness bullying and sometimes try to help the victim. -mportantly, results from our prevention studies show that these children can learn to help victims. "his, however, has to be combined with clearly defined behavior rules in the class. "hen, children can very well learn to tell bullies to stop to bullies :indicating that the behavior is #against the rules they have agreed upon$< and to get help from the teacher, when the bully does not stop. What are the Conse.uences o/ )ullying at this Young Age* 3sychosomatic symptoms & Findergarten children who are harassed by their peers have been reported by parents and teachers to be stressed, to show different psychosomatic symptoms :for e2ample, headaches<, to be afraid of going to kindergarten and to show depressive symptoms. 3eer re ection & -n our studies, we find that bullying among younger children is very similar to bullying among school childrenL it is a problem that concerns the whole group of children in the class as well as the adults :teachers and parents<. 6

Findergarten children like victims much less than non&involved peers and even bullies. 4lso, victims lack friends who could protect them. We know that peer re ection remains stable for years and has long&lasting negative conseBuences for childrenCs well&being and social ad ustment :5< and also may lead to further victimi6ation :I<. Diven such evidence, it is clear that children who lack friends, who are not well accepted in the group and who even are victimi6ed need special attention and adultCs help to come out of such vicious circles. 0onseBuently, even if we see that many children in the peer group are upset about bullying, research findings are very consistent with observations from teachers, showing that victims and their peers cannot bring the situation to an end and that bullies do not stop by themselves. 4ll findings indicate that the situation is highly reinforcing for bullies and that they themselves, like the victims, are confined in their role. "his means that adults have to become directly involved and stop this harmful situation. 1ur e2perience with the prevention of bullying in kindergarten shows that teachers need to do the following)

'irst, they need to learn to differentiate between bullying and more typical interpersonal conflicts between young children, and and to recogni6e early and the sometimes ambiguous signals of bullying and to do so early on. Secondly, teachers need to understand that early interventions are necessary to stop bullying and that it is necessary to talk with the whole class and discuss acceptable and non&acceptable behavior. 0lear and early communication about bullying helps children who are victimi6ed :they feel supported and protected< and it helps bullies and their assistants who get a clear picture of what is allowed and not. -t also contributes to a feeling of security in the whole group, as children perceive that they are not left alone in awkward situations.

4lso, parents should be aware of their role as educators and models and communicate the same attitudes as teachers do.

So$e 0$"lications o/ our Knowledge about )ullying in Kindergarten:

*ullying is unfair and adults must ta"e it seriously as early as in "indergarten$ *e aware of social, indirect, hidden and am&iguous forms of &ullying+ they already occur in "indergarten$ Pay attention to symptoms and possi&le indicators of victimi,ation, li"e unwillingness to go to "indergarten, stress or sadness -isten to children when they report on .trivial/ daily hassles that seem to upset them$ 0t may &e one of many hassles$ Tal" with the children a&out .good and &ad things/ happening in the "indergarten group$ Tal" a&out the unfairness of &ullying and provide children with alternative &ehaviors Teach children to say no1 Give children an opportunity to feel competent Give children who feel insecure in situations with peers some social training 2se teaching forms and games that enhance integration of all children Encourage children who are not involved in &ullying to intervene when they witness such situations$ They may &e trained to tell the &ully to stop, to as" the teacher to help or to include the victim in play situations$ 7

4ll recommendations listed above are part of our prevention program against bullying in kindergarten and school :A<. So$e "a"ers /ro$ our tea$ on bullying in kindergarten: 4lsaker, '. 7. :.@@H<. "he Bernese program against victimi6ation in kindergarten and elementary school :Be&3ro2<. -n 3. F. Smith, 7. 3epler, M F. +igby :?ds.<, Bullying in schools) !ow successful can interventions be? :pp..KN&/@I<. 0ambridge) 0ambridge =niversity 3ress. 4lsaker, '. 7., M Dut6willer&!elfenfinger, ?. :in press<. Social behavior and peer relationships of victims, bully&victims, and bullies in kindergarten. -n S. +. ,imerson, S. >. Swearer, M 7. 8. ?spelage :?ds.<, "he -nternational !andbook of School Bullying. >ahwah, Gew ,ersey) 8awrence ?rlbaum 4ssociates 4lsaker, '. 7., M GOgele, 0 :in press, .@@K<. Bullying in kindergarten and prevention. -n W. 0raig, M 7. 3epler :?ds.<, 4n -nternational 3erspective on =nderstanding and 4ddressing Bullying. 3+?PGet Series, Polume -. 3+?PGet) Fingston, 0anada. 4lsaker, '. 7., M GOgele, 0 :submitted, ,uly .@@K<. Pulnerability to victimi6ation in kindergarten) Geed for a differentiation between passive and aggressive victims. >erril& 3almer Quarterly. 4lsaker, '. 7., M Palkanover, S. :.@@*<. ?arly diagnosis and prevention of victimi6ation in kindergarten. -n ,. ,uvonen, M S. Draham :?ds.<, 3eer harassment in school) the plight of the vulnerable and victimi6ed :pp. *A5&*N5<. Duilford 3ress. Palkanover, S., 4lsaker, '. 7., Svreck, 4., M Fauer, >. :.@@H<. >obbing ist kein Finderspiel. 4rbeitsheft 6ur 3rOvention in Findergarten und Schule RBullying is not a game) "eachersC book on preventing bullying in kindergarten and schoolS. Bern) Schulverlag 'ranToise 7. 4lsaker is a professor in developmental psychology at the =niversity of Berne, Swit6erland. !er special interests are) socio&emotional development and developmental psychopathology. -n the past years, she has lead two large research pro ects on) *< victimi6ation and its prevention through kindergarten and primary school and .< on Swiss adolescentsC health :national study<. %e/erences *. 4lsaker, '. 7., M GOgele, 0 :in press, .@@K<. Bullying in kindergarten and prevention. -n W. 0raig, M 7. 3epler :?ds.<, 4n -nternational 3erspective on =nderstanding and 4ddressing Bullying. 3+?PGet Series, Polume -. 3+?PGet) Fingston, 0anada. .. 4lsaker, '. 7., M GOgele, 0 :submitted, ,uly .@@K<. Pulnerability to victimi6ation in kindergarten) Geed for a differentiation between passive and aggressive victims. >erril&3almer Quarterly. /. Stassen Berger, F. :.@@A<. =pdate on bullying at school) Science forgotten? 7evelopmental +eview, .A,N@ ; *.I. H. Salmivalli, 0., 8agerspet6, F., B UrkBvist, F., Vsterman, F., M Faukiainen, 4. :*NNI<. Bullying as a group process) participant roles and their relations to social status. 4ggressive Behavior, .., *&*5. 8

5. >c7ougall, 3., !ymel, S., Paillancourt, "., M >ercer, 8. :.@@*<. "he conseBuences of early childhood re ection. -n >. 8eary :?d.< -nterpersonal +e ection :pp. .*/&.HA<. Gew York) 12ford =niversity 3ress. I. 8add, D. W. M "roop&Dordon, W. :.@@/<. "he role of chronic peer difficulties in the development of children's psychological ad ustment problems. 0hild 7evelopment, AH, */HH&IA. A. 4lsaker, '. 7. :.@@H<. "he Bernese program against victimi6ation in kindergarten and elementary school :Be&3ro2<. -n 3. F. Smith, 7. 3epler, M F. +igby :?ds.<, Bullying in schools) !ow successful can interventions be? :pp..KN&/@I<. 0ambridge) 0ambridge =niversity 3ress.