Joe Caruso - The Principles of Authentic Power

THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWER
FINDING STRENGTH, MEANING, AND HAPPINESS

IN AN OUT-OF-CONTROL WORLD
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Welcome . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2
Session 1: Power vs. Control: The Art of Strategic Surrender . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3
Session 2: Getting More with Less Effort: The Power of Stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5
Session 3: Your Primary and Secondary Worlds: Control vs. Influence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10
Session 4: The 4 Rules of Engagement: Rules 1-3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13
Session 5: The 4th Rule of Engagement: Shifting Peoples Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16
Session 6: The Power of Learning to Let Go: Developing Your Capacity to Grow . . . . . . . . . . .18
Session 7: Ten Ideas and Attitudes to Let Go Of: Finding True Peace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21
Session 8: The Power of Faith: The Ultimate Weapon Against Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29
Session 9: How to Profit from Your Knowledge: The Five Steps to Wisdom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33
Session Ten: Happiness as a Way of Life: Cherish the Chase as Much as the Trophy . . . . . . . .38
Session Eleven: Bridging the Gap Between What You Know and What You Do . . . . . . . . . . . .41
Session Twelve: How to Have a Great Legacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44
You Can Choose Success . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45
Producer: Dave Kuenstle
Workbook: Traci Vujicich
THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWER 2
Welcome
Congratulations on your purchase! Youve taken the first step to finding peace and happiness in
your life. In order to get the most from this program, you need to do one thing. You need to
have the courage to be playful. As you listen to this, just listen objectively. Think about your life
from the bleachers. Step out of it for a minute. Take a look from the outside and say, What do I
really want? Am I happy? Am I happy on a daily level? Do I know how to enjoy the moment?
Am I celebrating the things that mean the most to me? Or, are the things that mean the most to
me those that create the most stress and pressure in my life rather than give me the greatest
reward?
You are closer to what you want than you think. Youll also find out by the end of this program
that youre working too hard at the wrong things. Its time to learn how to change that.
How to Use This Workbook
How can you get the most out of this workbook? By using it in conjunction with the audio pro-
gram. For each session, do the following:
1. Preview the section of the workbook that goes with the audio session.
2. Listen to the audio session at least once.
3. Complete the exercises in this workbook
By taking the time to preview the exercises before you listen to each session, you are priming
your subconscious to listen to and absorb the material. Then, when you are actually listening to
each session, youll be able to absorb the information fasterand will see faster results.
Lets get started.
3 THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWER
Session 1: POWER VS. CONTROL: THE ART OF
STRATEGIC SURRENDER
The key to getting what we want more often in this out-of-control world is to strategically
decide which battles we need to win, which battles will truly lead us toward the happiness and
fulfillment were looking for. Also part of this process is deciding which battles we shouldnt be
fighting because no matter how badly wed like to win those battles, they simply will distract us
from bringing our energy to what it is we should be doing. This process is called strategic sur-
render. When were able to choose our strategic surrenders in life, were able to transcend the
feeling of struggling, and we can actually find the power in the process.
Energy Versus Power
Energy isnt power. Energy is merely potential. Power is energy directed. As human beings, we
dont know much about ourselves in this physical world. We know that we are energy. We know
that were two types of energy: physical energy and psychic energy. Physical energy is our ability
to breathe, to move, of our heart to beat, our lungs to move. Psychic energy is everything else
were capable of doing in this life. We can emote, we can think, we can dream, we can imagine.
Energy is life. When we die, well have no ability to use our physical energy. So, literally, when
we waste our energy on things that we cant control, were wasting our very life.
Exercise: How Are You Wasting Your Energy?
Think about an event that was bothering you last week. This is something that you spent time
thinking about, trying to do something about, or wasting your time and energy about, when it
was something you couldnt control.
What you were worrying about:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
How many hours did you waste?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
What if you could harness that energy and bring it toward the things you could control? Think
of the power youd have in helping you find what it is youre really looking for.
You can have a life-changing experience just by
having the courage to look at yourself differently.
You wake up every day wanting to be happier and more successful. Thats fine. It doesnt make
you an overachiever; it makes you human. Even if your goal is the same as Gandhis and you
want your ego reduced to nothing, you still want more. You want more of less ego. Theres noth-
ing wrong with that. We are human and we want to see what our capacities are. But that does-
nt mean we have to mortgage our happiness, the very thing were really looking for in the end,
to do it.
As you consider what you might expect from this program, understand that we live in a jaded
age today. We know theres more; thats why we buy these kinds of products. Thats why we lis-
ten, thats why we study, thats why we look for people to teach us. We know theres more. Yet,
were still longing. So, what can the truly mature, skeptical, and intelligent person expect from
this program?
Theres an old song from the 1970s, titled I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. This program
doesnt promise you that the worlds going to change the way it does in the movies. Life doesnt
actually work that way. In movies, there are these great big moments of awareness when all of a
sudden people change. This program doesnt work that way. Weve built up habits, weve built
up definitions, life stories and contexts, and these drive us. These help us think, they help us
process the world, but they do more than that. They also, in many ways, create the world that
comes to us.
This program will help break down scientifically, psychologically, emotionally, and philosophi-
cally how this works. We can take a look at the connection between what happens to us and
what we make happen. We can understand the distinction between what happens without any
regard to us and what were in some way connected to. When we can figure out which battles
we should be fighting and bring all our energy and all our attention only to those battles, we
will have discovered the power of strategic surrender and well be able to get what we want
more often. As a matter of fact, well enjoy the process more, which is really what were all look-
ing to do.
Full effort is full victory. Gandhi
Full effort is full victory. Be where you are right now. And right now youre doing exactly what
you should be doing. Youre listening to this program.
A Few Questions
What if you could have back all the energy that youve ever wasted on things you cant control?
Now, this means you would get back any time youve ever worried about something that either
happened or didnt happen. You have back the hours in which you tried to control something
that was out of your control or worried about what people would think or do. What if you could
have that energy and time back in your life? How much power could you have if you could
direct that toward what you want? Think about that. What would you spend that time on now?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Do you believe that its possible to stay exactly as you are your own definitions, your own
contexts, your own meanings, your own understanding of yourself and the world stay exactly
where they are, not change and yet have the happiness and the success and the fulfillment
that youre looking for? If you answered no to that last question, then good for you, because you
understand or are beginning to understand the art of strategic surrender.
Exercise: What Can You Control?
Write down the things you feel you have control over, and the things you dont.
Can Control:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Cant Control:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
What did you put in the Can Control list? Did you put your spouse, children, friends, co-work-
ers, or parents? Can you actually control them? Perhaps you put your health in that list. Does it
belong there? Can you actually control your health? If you think you can, try this exercise. Make
your heart stop beating. If youre being truly honest, youll discover that most of the things you
listed in the Can Control list really belong in the Cant Control list.
Session 2: GETTING MORE WITH LESS EFFORT:
THE POWER OF STORIES
Most of us are smarter than weve ever been. Most of us are making more money than weve
ever made in our lives. Despite this, most of us want more.
To want more isnt a bad thing; its part of the human capacity. Our job in life is to go through
this life and find out what is it we can do and what is it we can be. How do we learn to think
and behave in a way in which we can find the happiness and higher level of meaning and fulfill-
ment?
What were really looking for is our meaning. When we talk about getting more of what we
want with less effort, the more that were looking for is who we are, a definition of ourselves
that were happy with. Were searching for a definition of ourselves that we respect, that we
accept, and that we feel lovely about.
The ancient oracle is to know thyself. In that process of knowing yourself on a higher level,
youll find that youre getting more of what you want with much less effort. Youll find that you
dont want to fight half the battles that you were spending most of your time fighting before.
Youll stop thinking that if you won those if you could only have more attention from some-
one, more love from someone, more time, more cooperation, more money, more this, and that
would solve your problems.
Exercise: Who Are You?
Do you know who you are? Answer the question Who am I? not with an essay but with just a
few sentences.
I am:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Now, go back and circle all the labels. Circle the words that define you that are outside of you:
your relationships, your age, your hobby, your salary, your possessions, and your job.
Why? Because those are things that can and do change without your permission.
Youll get older, whether you want to or not, unless you die. Family and friends can leave you.
Jobs will change. And yet, when these things happen that are circumstances beyond youre con-
trol, were still here. Youre still you.
Thats why youre still looking. Youre looking for that meaning that will make you feel com-
plete, fulfilled, and happy. That emptiness that we feel is because weve misidentified our core
meaning.
Exercise: Whats Your Nametag?
In the previous exercise, you identified the big labels. Lets take it another step and identify
the little labels we put on ourselves. These are labels like Vegetarian, Red Wings fan,
Shopaholic, Gemini. In the following spaces, write down the nouns and adjectives you usu-
ally use to describe yourself:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
These are little things, things that we like and things that we do that we identify ourselves by.
But we dont even realize we do it. You see, these things, when you put them together, are our
stories. Were born alone, we die alone, and we live the middle part in denial of those two facts,
longing to make a connection.
We are the stories we tell ourselves we are.
We long to make a connection. Its a biological and physiological need. Its how we actually find
our meaning. The neurons in our brains need to connect with another set of neurons in our
brains in order for us to find meaning, in order for us to know our dogs name, in order for us
to remember where we live; thats how we find meaning.
A story is merely a device that helps us make a connection. A device, like a tool, like a can open-
er that helps us open a can, a story is a device that helps us make connections. It takes separate
entities, separate things, things that have nothing to do with each other in the beginning of this
story, and it brings them together so that at the end they connect and we can find meaning in
the story.
Our lives are a combination of separate entities, ideas, definitions, experiences, relationships,
thoughts, and feelings. And when these connect, they make stories. And those stories are who
we are.
In order to understand ourselves better, we need to figure out how some stories dont serve us
and some stories do. We need to learn how we can transcend some stories and that we dont
have to be tied to them and yet we can still be ourselves.
Our stories from the past, from 20, 30, 40, or more years ago, drive our behavior today. Thats
more powerful than a story. Thats mythical power. Chances are, you grew up in a family. Did
that family have a culture? Did it have myths? Truths greater than truth? Truths that drove the
behaviors of the people of that culture? Did you have the Smith luck, or the Shoblom curse?
How about the corporation or the place you work? Doesnt that have a culture? Isnt it driven by
myths and truths that determine how people behave and how they approach their jobs? Truths
that influence what they think they can and cant do, what they think they should or shouldnt do.
We want to hold on to these stories, not because theyre pleasant, but because we think thats
who we are, that we dont have a choice, that we need to hold on to them. Its as though we look
in a mirror and say, Thats my story. It hurts, but Im sticking to it.
We dont have to stick to the stories that hurt. We dont have to forget them. We dont have to
deny them, but they dont have to be our stories anymore. We can transcend them.
We dont need the power to change our past, because our past isnt the problem; its how we
define our past in our present that is the challenge. We dont need to change the story or deny
the story; we need to merely change what the story means. Thats the key to getting what we
want. Thats the key to the happiness and the peace and the fulfillment that were looking for. To
find out which myths dont serve us, find out how they manifest themselves in our behaviors,
our definitions, our words, our thoughts, our actions, and our outcomes
Your past isnt the problem; its how you define your
past in your present that is the challenge.
Exercise: Whats Your Story?
As an exercise, think of one of your stories. Identify something that happened to you (or didnt
happen to you) that has shaped who you are today. Maybe you wanted to get into medical
school but failed chemistry. Perhaps you married very young and were later divorced. Write that
story in the following space, and explain what truth you gained from that experience. What
does this story mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Now, ask yourself, Does this story serve me today? How is this story manifesting itself in your
life today?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
If the story you chose is leading you to think negatively about yourself (Im not smart enough)
how can you change the context? How can you redefine this story so that it empowers you?
Context is the tool that we use to help change the meaning of our stories. Context can help us
find the higher meaning that were looking for.
Stories happen. Events happen. Circumstances happen. How we define them is how we find our
power in them. They happen sometimes without our control. How we define them is how we
find our power in them. We sometimes define them in ways that hurt us, but we can define
them in ways that help us.
So what were finding out in this session is that in order to get more of what we want with half
the effort, we need to first understand how we are negatively contributing to some of our own
outcomes. Some things happen to us without our control. Some things just happen. But many
things we affect. We affect them with our thoughts and our behaviors and our communication.
And those thoughts and behaviors and communications are driven by our stories. The way to
improve our thoughts, our behaviors, our communication, and our outcomes is to learn how to
change the debilitating meanings that we have for some of the stories in our lives and make
them more edifying. We do that through the power of context.
Exercise: Pen Pal
Pretend that you have a pen pal that youve never met. You want him or her to understand who
you are. So, you start to write to your Pen Pal. Youre including, of course, your likes and your
dislikes. Then you start to get further into that. You start to get into the whats, the whos,
and the whys of your life. First, describe what you do and whom youre with.
Dear Pen Pal,
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
When you get through with all that, youll start to write to them the whys. Write down why you
like the things you like, why you do the things you do, why you have these people in your life.
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
This is where to look for your story, because our story lies in our whys, the whys behind our
whats.
Think about how some of those whys dont necessarily have to be true. How some of them
could be choices. How the reason that you feel so negatively about certain types of people does-
nt have to drive negativities in your life. For example, you can choose to be a vegetarian and
walk into a restaurant and have a perfectly comfortable, fun, and enjoyable evening, even if
everyone in the rest of the room is eating steak.
Its not mine to teach or change others;
its mine to choose whats mine.
This power lies within you as well. You get to choose. Youve had bad things happen in your life.
You get to choose how to define those things and make that story positive. Even though the
story had some bad things in it, you can make that story positive. Think about the heroes and
heroines you see in stories that youve read or movies that youve seen. They had bad things
happen. But how they defined what happened and how they would respond to it, thats what
made them heroes and heroines. Thats how we get more of what we want in life, by not being
victim to our circumstances, by being the true writers of our everyday stories.
Session 3: YOUR PRIMARY AND SECONDARY
WORLDS: CONTROL VS. INFLUENCE
In order to get more of what we want with less effort, in order to really understand the power of
strategic surrender, we first have to understand what we can control and what we cant. There
are two worlds that you experience: the primary world and the secondary world. You are your
primary world. Everything you think, see, and do is in your primary world. The secondary
world is the one involving other people. Anything done, thought, said, or felt by someone else is
in your secondary world.
The reason this needs to be clear is so that we can understand the difference between control
and influence. The concept of control exists only in the primary world.
Sometimes we think that we could get more of what we want if we could only control others or
other circumstances or other things. But the ultimate answer to getting what we want lies in
our primary world, not in controlling things in our secondary world. In fact, control doesnt
exist in the secondary world.
We can control only ourselves, and most of us fail to do that half the time. Only influence exists
in the secondary world.
We can NEVER control another person or
circumstance. We can only influence it.
We Are All Insecure
Were all afraid because were all insecure. We have to spend the rest of our life figuring out
who we are and what we are supposed to do in this world. Instead of realizing that we are all
born without an owners manual, we become insecure because of some ideals that we have
about how smart were supposed to be, how attractive were supposed to be, and we dont fit
those ideals. Those ideals are a combination of fantasies and capacities that we aspire to.
Exercise: What Is Your Ideal?
What are the ideals you are holding yourself to? Do they make you feel insecure or inspired?
If I were at my ideal, this is how I would be:
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Which of these things exist in your primary world (meaning you can control them)? Which exist
in the secondary world and are dependent on another person or circumstance?
Chances are, if your ideal is based in the primary world and you believe you can control it, you
feel inspired. If you believe that your ideal is dependent on another person or circumstance (If
only he would), you feel insecure.
The tapes and the CDs and the books that we read in the self help movement tell us that weve
just got to get in control of our life. Weve got to take charge. Weve got to make things happen.
But then, all of a sudden we find out it is an out-of-control world. Anything can happen at any
point in time. We are vulnerable. And that vulnerability scares us. The answer to that fear does-
nt lie in trying to control things we cant. Thats delusion. The answer to that fear is to say, Yes,
I am vulnerable. I live in an out-of-control world, but I have power in it.
Exercise: My, Isnt That Interesting?
Lets think about the things you can and cant control, about your spouse, your lover, or your
partner. This exercise is to help you learn to throw your hands up in the air and say, My, isnt
that interesting? Every time you see something around you that you find less than attractive or
that you see has been in your way, dont judge it and feel guilty about it. Rather, look at it for
what it is and say, My, isnt that interesting?
Lets come up with a few scenarios for practice. Think of a situation in your real life when you
wanted to control the situation, but it didnt work. The first one is created for you as an example.
Example One: Youve told your son to clean up his room and finish his homework before din-
ner. You go in to tell him dinner is ready, and he is playing video games in the middle of his
messy room. His backpack is still closed and you can tell hes not done his homework yet. How
do you usually respond? I would start yelling at him for not listening.
What is your new response? My, isnt that interesting?
Example Two: __________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you usually respond? ____________________________________________________________
What is your new response? _____________________________________________________________
Example Three: ________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
How do you usually respond? ____________________________________________________________
What is your new response? _____________________________________________________________
Now, this is not to say you cant influence the situation. But youll only stress yourself out if you
think you can control the secondary world.
Get Sympathetic
We have an autonomic nervous system that controls our bodies involuntary physiological reac-
tions to stimuli. For example, your pupils constrict in bright light. You dont decide for your pupils
to react; they just react in bright light and thats because of the autonomic nervous system.
This system is divided into two separate systems: the sympathetic nervous system and the
parasympathetic nervous system. When were frightened or under extreme stress, the sympa-
thetic nervous system sends out chemical messages that cause, among other physical reactions,
our hearts to beat faster, our mouths to go dry, our blood vessels to contract.
These physiological reactions in turn affect our sensory perception; they affect our senses and
the way we perceive the world. We dont decide for these things to happen; they happen because
we feel fear. Whether that fear is real or not, whether the rooms on fire or were afraid some-
thing might happen to us, our body will start to physiologically react this way. And when it
reacts this way, we cant deny it. We cant deny how we feel.
So rather than go toward what we know, we will start to put more stock into how we feel. But
its important to understand that how we feel doesnt always serve us. The same way that some-
times we feel like eating half a gallon of ice cream, we have to know that that doesnt serve us
and let what we know lead our behaviors more than what we feel. And thats hard sometimes,
especially when theres fear.
Sometimes when we let fear guide us, we cant think straight. We deny what we know and try
to control things that we cant.
All feelings are valid. If youre afraid, thats fine. If that fear is causing you to behave in a certain
way that doesnt serve you, that is not fine. Its okay to say, My, isnt that interesting. Im afraid
right now. But then give more attention and more credence to what you know you should do
rather than how you feel about what youre afraid of.
Some of the most powerful people in the world understand that they live in a world thats out of
their control. And while many of us look at them as people who are in positions of control,
theyre smart enough to recognize that theyre only in positions of influence, which can be
much more powerful than control.
Influence can be more powerful than control.
Exercise: What Can You Control?
Before you try to influence others, think about what it is you might want to be controlling in
your life.
In my life, I can control:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Session 4: THE 4 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:
RULES 1-3
The next two sessions are about how to make connections that count. Remember, were born
alone, we die alone, and we live the middle part in denial of those two facts, longing to make a
connection. These next two sessions are about the power of influence. How to make connec-
tions that count. We have tremendous power in this out-of-control world through the power of
influence.
Most people have had millions of conversations in their lives: with their grocer, their friends,
coworkers, accountants, etc. We talk to people all day long, and yet most of us dont even know
whats really taking place when one person communicates with another. Most people dont know
their job in that process. Musicians have a great term for job; they call it a gig. One of the
things that is important is that at any point in time we need to know our gig.
When we communicate with other people we have a gig and its a very important gig. When we
communicate with other people, its our opportunity to help them make a connection, as well as
for us to make a connection. To misidentify that gig is to miss a tremendous human opport u n i t y.
The Four Rules of Engagement
The four rules of engagement are rules that are always working. Theyre not sometimes work-
ing; they are always working. Whenever one or more people are communicating, the four rules
of engagement are working.
The rules are even working when you talk to yourself. To not know that theyre working means
theyre probably working against you.
The Four Rules of Engagement
One: Everyone is always right.
Two: The greatest human desire is to be right.
Three: We cant change anybodys mind.
Four: We can only help shift anothers perspective.
Rule number one: Everyone is always right. Now notice this doesnt say, Most people are
sometimes right, it says, Everyone is always right. In order for us to challenge this intellectu-
ally, we have to consider the concept of truth. What is truth? In other words, how do we know
what is? What is red? What is water? What is a book? What is a TV? What is truth? How do we
know?
Truth is that which one believes to be true.
If you go beyond physics to the actual human sociological experience, youll find that the world
will line up to validate that which one believes to be true. If you take a 42-year-old divorced
woman who thinks all men are jerks because thats been her experience and introduce her to 50
prime USDA Grade-A gentlemen, she will meet 50 jerks.
We have our stories of our world and ourselves, and the world will validate our truths. And for
that reason, everyone is always right. They have to be. In psychology its called congruency. The
world has to be congruent with that which we think it is. Our definitions of the world are
reflecting. We are in our definitions of the world as much as the world is in our definitions of
ourselves. How we see ourselves in our stories impacts and reflects into how we see the world.
And we are right and our experience will validate it. Thats rule number one of the rules of
engagement.
What is Communication?
Communication. What does that mean? Communication involves the words we choose, the tone
of voice we use, we pause, we didnt pause, we blink, we swallow or our breath rate. We have
the capacity to communicate up to 72,000 of these messages in a minute as human beings to
other human beings. When you are communicating your truth, you naturally attract people who
share that same truth. This is Rule Number Two. The greatest human desire is to be right.
Consciously and subconsciously, people attract other people who will make them right.
Our greatest desire isnt to be loved;
our greatest desire is to be right, even if it hurts.
Exercise: Its Her Story and Shes Sticking to It
How many people do you know who if they could just change one thing, theyd be happier? But
it doesnt fit their story, as they know themselves. Think of somebody you know who wants to
change something about himself or herself but cant seem to do it. It might be your spouse who
wants to quit smoking, your sister who wants to lose weight, or your best friend who wants out
of a bad relationship.
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Now, what in this persons context would need to shift in order to make that change? How
would he or she need to redefine his or her truth to make the new reality right?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Most people dont even understand how to shift their context, how their definitions are reflex-
ive. Thats why its their story and theyre sticking to it. People will behave in a way thats con-
gruent with that myth.
Exercise: Whats Your Gig?
This is not a writing exercise. This is an observation from the bleachers exercise. In this exer-
cise, spend a little bit of time thinking about your gig. How often is it more important to you to
be right than to be happy when you communicate with people? How often is it more important
for you to be right than to be quiet? Than to listen? How often is it that sometimes your version
of right doesnt serve you?
Consider those times when your desire to be right hasnt served you. Remember the arguments
that you may have had in order to prove that you were right and in retrospect they only caused
you distress or damaged a relationship, proving your rightness didnt serve you.
As you go through your day just think about it and watch others. Watch how sometimes when
people communicate their version their need to be right is actually whats creating the problem
more than the problem as they define it. Youll find this to be a very interesting exercise. But
please dont try to teach them or show them. Dont try to tell them theyre wrong.
Once you become aware of your own powerful desire to be right, then you can be more tolerant
of other peoples desire to be right. They dont even know that thats whats driving the argu-
ment. Theyre not even aware of what you know about the four rules of engagement. They are
simply a victim to their feelings. Theyre feeling a fear that theyre not being considered or that
theyre not important or whatever other fear may be driving their need to be right in that
moment. When you see it in yourself, you might find that its easier to forgive it in others.
What a Coincidence!
A lot of people experience coincidence and arent really sure what it means or what to do with
it. There are going to be some coincidences that youll notice as a result of listening to this pro-
gram. This is because coincidence is based on awareness.
Your level of awareness is higher about these types of things: about the desire to be right, about
the fear that makes us want to try to control other people. And when this awareness is raised
and you see it in other people, avoid righteousness, avoid trying to teach them, avoid trying to
judge. That is human. What we experience is human.
Ours is to learn from it and to transcend it, to have higher levels of definition, higher levels of
meaning, higher levels of behavior. Because thats what youre trying to do; youre trying to get
what you want more often with half the effort. Youre trying to achieve higher levels of happi-
ness, success, peace, meaning, and understanding.
T h ree Steps When You Notice Someone (Even You) Needing to Be Right
One: When you notice it, notice it. Think, My isnt that interesting?
Two: Think about it in the context of what youve learned.
Three: Think about what you can learn from it.
To do this is to do all you need to do. Nothing more.
You Cant Change My Mind!
Rule number three: You cant change anyones mind. Remember, our greatest desire is to be
right. People care more about how much you care than about how much you know. If you try to
teach them before you validate them, they will shut you down. Thats the way we all are. We
want to be validated.
If we try to change someones mind without having them feel good about themselves, theres a
very good chance that theyll put up their dukes, psychologically, emotionally, intellectually, even
physically, and they wont listen to a word we say.
You cant change someones mind; its not your mind.
Session 5: THE 4TH RULE OF ENGAGEMENT:
SHIFTING PEOPLES PERSPECTIVES
Now for rule number four. You cant change other peoples minds, but you can help shift their
perspective. How do we help shift peoples perspective? Through the power of influence. You
see, to try to change their mind would be to try to control the secondary world, and we know
thats not possible. Control doesnt exist in the secondary world. However, we are connected to
the secondary world, and we do have the ability in incredible ways to powerfully influence that
world. And we do that by helping people shift their perspective. But before we help them shift
their perspective, we have to honor theirs.
Exercise: The Jay Leno Technique
There are many ways to honor peoples perspectives without agreeing with them. One of the
ways is to pretend youre Jay Leno, the talk-show host. Youre just interviewing them and they
are your honored guest. And there is an audience of people who actually cares about their per-
spective and wants to learn more. Your job is to bring out the why behind their whats, to find
out why they feel the way they feel.
In this exercise, bring to mind someone with whom you usually disagree. It might be a co-work-
er, your mother-in-law, or your annoying next-door neighbor. Practice asking questions about
the topic you disagree on. Hmm, well, thats interesting. Why do you feel that way? When did
you first notice that? Who else feels that way, that you know?
The person I disagree with is:_____________________________________________________________
The topic we disagree on most is:_________________________________________________________
Write your interview here:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
When you do this with true curiosity and with a true goal of understanding and honoring their
perspective, youll find that the more people get to share with you their why behind their what
of their story, the more comfortable they become. The more they like themselves when theyre
with you, which is much more important and much more critical to making a connection than
their liking you.
If well let them be who they are, honor their perspective, theyll start to like themselves when
theyre with us, in which case well get all the benefits and more than we would get if they
would actually like us.
Exercise: How Many People Like You?
Think about how many people in your world like you. Youve got a Rolodex or a Palm Pilot or a
phone book; youve got a lot of people in your world who like you. What about the guy at the
gas station? What about the person at the donut shop or the coffee shop? Not to mention the
receptionist, family and friends, spouses and partners families and friends, kids, their friends,
neighbors, relatives, association members, employees, coworkers. Youve got a number of peo-
ple in your world who like you. Right? Whats that number? 100? 200? 50?
Estimate it here: ________________________________________________________________________
Consider this question. How many of these people really know you? Not everyone really knows
all of you. Not everyone knows every aspect of you. Some people have never seen you angry.
Some people have never seen your love. Most people have never seen you sexually. Some people
have never seen you intellectually. So all of these people like different aspects of you. Only
some, if any, really know you. How many people really know you?
Write that number here: _________________________________________________________________
Its not important to get people to like you. That wont help you get what you want. Thats a bat-
tle you should never fight because you cant control it. Whats important is that they like them-
selves when theyre with you, whether its in business or in work. Thats what pays the dividends
that youre looking for. Thats what helps you make a connection with others, and thats what
helps them want to connect with you. Quit trying to get people to like you. If theres nothing
else you learn from this entire session, from this entire program, write that down.
Commit to helping people like themselves
when theyre with you.
You see, short of our health, our happiness, and our spirituality, almost everything we want is cur-
rently owned or controlled by someone else. And their willingness to help us get it isnt based on
how much they like us; its based on how much they like themselves when theyre with us.
We can find the power in the higher meaning and the connection that were really looking for.
We can use the rules of engagement to help others find their higher meaning.
Session 6: THE POWER OF LEARNING TO LET GO:
DEVELOPING YOUR CAPACITY TO GROW
While much of life is complex and full of chance, many of the outcomes and circumstances of
our lives are the result of our choices and our behaviors. In learning how to get more of what
we want with half the effort, were learning that were spending a lot of effort on things that
dont serve us. In order to stop experiencing outcomes that are less than what we want, we have
to trace back through that behavior chain that affects those outcomes.
As you know, it starts with our stories. We are the stories we tell ourselves we are. Some of
those stories serve us, and some of them dont. And we have our definitions, how we define the
world and how we define ourselves, which is reflective. Then we have our context, which can
help us change what our stories mean. This all requires change.
Rather than infusing our stories and definitions and contexts that are negative, that dont serve
us, into a situation, we need to step back and take a look at the situation for what it is. We need
to think about what response would serve us the best in spite of our bad definitions, stories, or
contexts. What were looking for is opportunities to let go. Opportunities to make changes.
Thats what heroes and heroines do. You know, in every great story, the hero or the heroine did-
nt have a charmed life throughout the story. They faced incredible challenge and crisis. Its the
choices that they made as they faced their challenges that determined what they did so that they
could become heroes and heroines.
Exercise: Who Are Your Heroes?
Whom do you admire? It could be someone you know, someone famous, a character from a
novel, or someone else whom you look up to. What is their gig? What challenge and crisis did
they face? How could they have looked at the challenge negatively? What choice did they make
instead?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Three Approaches to Change
Most of us have one of three approaches when it comes to change. Picture yourself in a row-
boat. Youre in the ocean. In the far distance you see an island. The boats sinking. You have a
bucket. There are three types of responses to this situation that represent the way most of us
look at change.
The first type of person will say, Its cold, there are sharks, there are tides, and the island is far
away. Im not sure I could swim that far. But when they feel enough pain, enough sense of
urgency, theyll jump in the water and swim towards that island.
The second type of person will say, Its cold, there are sharks, and I dont know if I could swim
that far. Then, theyll grab the bucket, and bail the boat, hoping against hope that theyll drift
toward the island before they drown or die of exhaustion. They are clinging to what they have.
The third type of person will also say, Its cold, there are sharks, and I dont know if I could
swim that far. But when they feel enough pain and enough sense of urgency, or come to a high-
er level of awareness of themselves in their situation, theyll jump in the water and swim toward
the island, dragging the sinking boat with them. See, we dont want to let go. But when it comes
to change, letting go is the key.
Which type of person are you? Give an example:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
The definition of a problem is the difference between
what is and what you think should be.
You see, how we define a problem determines the solutions we will consider. If we think we can
control the world, and thats a battle we want to fight, and all of a sudden the world doesnt
work the way we thought it should, were going to think the worlds broken. Then were going to
think we need to fix it. And were going to try to exert control in the secondary world where
control doesnt exist from our perspective, and were going to fail, to some degree. So the first
step of finding our power in a situation is to first accept the situation for what it is.
Our capacity to grow is directly related to
our willingness to let go.
One of the first things we need to let go of are debilitating definitions and bad stories. Some of
the problems that we think we face in this world we just project ourselves into.
Exercise: What Are You Willing to Let Go?
The art of surrender has to do with letting go. We have to surrender the control that we think
we have over other people. We have to surrender bad definitions and stories. We have to surren-
der the parts of ourselves that weve come to know as us and realize theyre not necessarily who
we are, theyre just our fears manifesting themselves in our behaviors and in our outcomes.
Which stories or definitions can you let go? Perhaps you had a difficult childhood. Maybe you
have ADD. Are you the victim of something? Write your story or definition here:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
How is this definition holding you back? How would the hero or heroine you described earlier
in this session define this? If you changed how you defined this problem, what new approach
could you take?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Your problems dont exist separate and apart from the way you define them. And the way you
define them determines the solutions youll consider. What you want will probably require that
you change. That you change how you define your problem, so you can change how you
approach the solution.
Most people are trying to keep struggle and the pain that goes with it out of their lives com-
pletely. We think that to struggle is bad, discomfort is bad. The fact is, we sometimes have to go
through discomfort to get to greater comfort. And once you shift over, youre going to be com-
fortable again.
So in that problem, there was an opportunity to move, to change, to go through discomfort,
which given your choice, youd prefer not to have gone through. But you cant stay static in a
dynamic world. Its not a natural thing. The pain of that problem gave you an opportunity to get
to greater comfort.
We live in a dynamic world. Its changing. Business is changing; relationships are changing. The
girl or guy you married is changing. Kids are changing. Partners are changing.
Everything will fall into one of two categories.
You can either do something about it or you cant.
If you cant do something about it,
put all of your energy into accepting it.
Session 7: TEN IDEAS AND ATTITUDES TO LET GO OF:
FINDING TRUE PEACE
In this session, well identify the top 10 attitudes, ideas, concepts, thoughts, that if we could let
go of them in our lives, we could find the peace that immediately follows surrender.
Ten Things to Let Go
Regret
Anger
Blame
Guilt
Pride and Ego
Insecurity
Jealousy
What If Scenarios
Debilitating Myths
Debilitating Definitions
Regret
The first one is regret. Its been said that he who regrets loses twice. We cant change what is; we
cant change what was. If we spend time losing sleep over what was, were going to be too tired
to spend our energy trying to help change what could be. If you missed an opportunity, whether
it be an invitation to dinner or to study harder for a test or to get to know someone better or to
sail around the world on a yacht, the opportunity of that moment went with that moment. And
no amount of regret is going to get it back. In fact, to want that opportunity back in a different
moment may not be healthy because that opportunity may not bring with it all that it brought
the first time around.
If you missed that opportunity the first time and it truly was an opportunity, fine. Thats a loss.
Now youre missing the opportunity of what you could be doing right now every time you think
about that loss.
Exercise: Where Do You Live?
Following is a timeline representing your life. Draw an X on that line showing where you see
yourself in your timeline.
Birth ____________________________________________________________________________ Death
Now you may find it interesting where you put that X because you may put it in a different spot
when you consider the fact that your life is, in all likelihood, almost halfway over. It might even
be more than halfway over; based on the idea that time is relative.
Whatever lesson you draw from where you put that X is yours to have. Its interesting; its nei-
ther here nor there. Wherever you put the X, write the words You Are Here.
Thats where you live. You live in the now. Youre a creature of the present, just like everyone
else. We cant live in any time other than the now. Our heart beats in the now. We breathe in the
now and we think in the now. We can imagine the future, but our imagining of the future hap-
pens in the now.
Exercise: Regret Is Fear
Think about something that you regret. It might be giving up your dream of becoming an astro-
naut, leaving your first wife, or not buying that stock when it was low. Consider what it was that
you were afraid of when you missed the opportunity. Write in the following space your biggest
regret and what you were afraid of.
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
If you want to find any constructive opportunities in reviewing something that you regret doing
or not doing, spend your time thinking about what you were afraid of when you made the deci-
sion to do or not do that thing. Instead of experiencing regret as a second loss, turn it into a win
by making it a lesson thats yours to gain from.
Anger
The second thing we need to learn to let go of is anger. We know that all emotions are based in
either love or fear. We know that the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic system
process information based in love or fear. We also know that most anger is based in fear. When
we see something that bothers us or that we dont think is good or right, we can disapprove of it
without getting angry about it. So, when we find ourselves extremely angry about something
that we disapprove of or dont like, chances are theres something in there that scares us.
You cant love anything you dont accept.
The root of all love is acceptance. You can love your dog, you can love music, you can love your
spouse, and you can love your partner. Those are all different feelings. Its one word describing
all those different feelings, but in fact the concept of love needs to include, and have as its basis,
acceptance. When we love ourselves, its not that we esteem ourselves, its not that we think we
are the greatest things in the world next to sliced bread, its that we accept ourselves. When we
love others, its the same.
Exercise: Where Is the Fear?
Describe a time when you were furious. What made you mad?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
What were you afraid of?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Blame
Number three is blame. Often the first thing we want to do when we see something that we
dont like or dont approve of, whether its in ourselves or in others, is find blame.
An important concept to understand is the idea of you get to. Other people have the right to
their actions. You dont have to approve of it. Somebody gets you angry; somebody cuts you off
on the highway. Guess what? They get to. Its their world. Remember, the worlds a mess. Its
always been a mess, its always going to be a mess, its not ours to fix it. Galileo said that you
cant teach others; they have to learn. They get to. Everyone gets to.
Guilt
The number four thing we should let go of is guilt. Guilt can sometimes keep us from doing
things but not help us understand things. If you want to not feel guilt, have contrition. Truly
say, Im never doing that again. I learned my lesson. And then give yourself absolution for that
for which you feel guilty.
There are a lot of things that we do in our lives that arent perfect. This is not to say that mur-
derers who killed people didnt do the wrong thing, its saying they have to live with it. People
who did bad things and hurt people or took things from or lied to people, the way were all
capable of as human beings, they have to live with that. But once we absolutely say were not
doing that again, and ask for forgiveness from whomever we need to ask forgiveness from,
whether its our higher power, our God, ourselves, or all of the above, we need to understand
that life is perfect. And one of the definitions of perfect in its truest form is having all the prop-
erties that naturally belong to it.
What does that have to do with anything? Perfect is having all the properties that naturally
belong to it means there is no moment that is perfect more than the now.
Right now, your life has all the properties that belong to it. Every second, every minute, every
day, ever year that youve lived, accumulates in the now. And the now, according to that defini-
tion, is perfect. And thats what we should focus on.
Pride and Ego
Number five is our pride and our ego. Its very difficult for us to let go of our pride and our ego.
However, our pride and our ego get in our way of helping us see others as important, of serving
others, of helping others like themselves when theyre with us. It gets in the way of seeing our-
selves in the way in which we can find our truest highest meaning serving others and other
things greater than ourselves.
Following is a prayer/affirmation you can use to get your ego out of the way. Photocopy this
page and cut out the prayer. This way you can carry it with you.
St. Francis of Assisi Prayer
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying to the self that were born to eternal life.
Insecurity
Number six is insecurity. Were all insecure. We would do very well to admit that. Wed find life
to be a little easier. Remember, M. Scott Peck said, Life is difficult. The sooner you admit that
and realize it, know it, the easier life will be. Its that way with insecurity. Nobody has all the
answers.
Lets look at life this way. You can lead with that insecurity, or you can go in spite of that inse-
curity. If you were to play a game of chess, insecure that you might lose, youll never take a win-
ning move. Youll only play defensively. Thats not the way to play the game of life. We have to
know that we can lose; we have to know that we can be wrong. We have to know that were
insecure. We have to know that were created as imperfect human beings and know thats okay.
Then play to win.
Feel your insecurity and do it anyway!
Dont think you can let go of insecurity and itll go away forever and youll never be insecure.
Well always be insecure. Were insecure beings. Instead, learn to act beyond the insecurity. If
you dont let the insecurity affect how youll behave in this world, then your insecurity will
become irrelevant.
Jealousy
Jealousy is an emotion born out of both pride and insecurity. When we see other people as
happy or more successful than we are, thats our insecurity talking. One of the reasons the Bible
says not to covet is because when we covet we cant be happy. When we try to figure out why
other people have things we dont have, we are not positioning ourselves to get it, either in that
present moment or in the future.
Exercise: The Jealousy Buster
Make a list of all the things about yourself that you have reasons to appreciate, and then prac-
tice appreciating those things. If you cant do that yourself, call your best friend and ask him or
her to list 10 things that he or she really respects and admires about you.
Things to Appreciate About Me
1) ______________________________________________________________________________________
2) ______________________________________________________________________________________
3) ______________________________________________________________________________________
4) ______________________________________________________________________________________
5) ______________________________________________________________________________________
6) ______________________________________________________________________________________
7) ______________________________________________________________________________________
8) ______________________________________________________________________________________
9) ______________________________________________________________________________________
10) _____________________________________________________________________________________
What-If Scenarios
Number eight, we need to let go of our what-if scenarios. These are the fear fantasies that we
create for ourselves. A lot of us feel that if we dont worry about things, we must not be con-
cerned. We can be concerned, but we dont have to let that healthy and compassionate emotion
of concern turn into a debilitating emotion of worry.
Debilitating Myths
Number nine is our debilitating myths. We are the stories we tell ourselves we are, and some of
those stories dont serve us. Remember, its difficult to uncover our myths.
Debilitating Definitions
Number 10 is our debilitating definitions. Our definitions are self-reflective. We cant see the
world and not see it through the context of ourselves.
We cant define anything in the world without defining ourselves. We cant define ourselves
without having that definition project itself into the world. So when we see debilitating things
in the world, when we feel negative about things in the world, we need to take a look at our
own definitions and see if we can find ourselves in there.
As an illustration of debilitating myths and definitions, lets take a look at Maya and her
thoughts as she goes through a typical day.
Action Thoughts
6:00 AM Get up I want to sleep more!
6:30 Get family up, make breakfast Why wont these kids get up without a fight? Should I
give them cereal again? If I were a good mother Id be
making them pancakes. Amy looks cute this morning.
What am I going to eat? Im too busy to eat this morn-
ing.
,
7:00 Get ready for work Oh, I need a haircut. Wow, look at all those gray
hairs! I dont have anything nice to wear to work. I
need to do the laundry. Hey, thats my favorite song on
the radio. My wrinkles are getting worse. Maybe I
should get Botox.
8:00 Leave Ugh, why are these kids always fighting in the car?
Thats a cute car. I wonder how much it costs? I hope
Jimmy doesnt fail his math test. I hate this traffic every
day!
9:00 AM- 5:00 PM Work These annoying clients are always interrupting my
work. Yum, jelly doughnuts! Why cant I seem to get
along with anyone over in the Finance Department?
Im going to have to work through lunch againdont
these people see how hard I work? I think that project
turned out pretty well. Frank will be pleased. I am so
tired. I wish I could just go home and take a nap.
Almost time to go homeand do all my evening
chores
5:00 pm Drive home Why is the talk radio only about murder and other bad
news? I guess Id better figure out what to make for
dinner. Maybe fast food again? Oh good, Peter is home.
Maybe he did the laundry.
5:30-10:30 Evening at home Great. Peter is sitting on the couch watching the news.
Doesnt he see that the laundry needs doing? Why do I
always have to be the one who does everything? There
is nothing for dinner. Maybe well have frozen dinners.
Hey this lasagna is pretty good. I wish there was
something good on TV tonight. I need a vacation.
10:30 Bed I am so tired. I dont want to get up again tomorrow
morning.
Sound familiar? Even if youre not a woman or a mother, you can probably relate to many of
M a y a s thoughts throughout the day. Did you notice how many of Mayas thoughts were negative?
This is the thing. When people say, Change your thinking and youll change your life, these are
the thoughts they mean. Were not talking about your grand intellectual thoughts on world
peace. We are talking about changing the chatter that runs through your mind all day long.
Those are the thoughts that build your life.
Lets take another look at Maya, and change her thoughts to more empowering ones.
6:00 AM Get up I sure like this cozy bed!
6:30 Get family up, make breakfast It must be hard for Amy and Jimmy to get out of their
cozy beds too! Im lucky that Ive got some cereal in the
pantry. Amy looks cute this morning. What am I
going to eat? Im glad they have food at work!
7:00 Get ready for work My haircut is growing out well. I bet Im going to be
one of those really elegant gray-haired ladies. Good
thing its casual day at work. I am so grateful that I
have my own washer and dryer and dont need to use a
laundromat. Hey, thats my favorite song on the radio.
My wrinkles are a reflection of the life I have lived.
8:00 Leave Its good that Amy and Jimmy are learning negotiation
skills. Thats a cute car. I wonder how much it costs?
Im sure Jimmy will pass his math test. Im glad that
this traffic gives me extra time with my kids each day!
9:00 AM - 5:00 PM Work I am lucky to have so many clients who value me.
Yum, jelly doughnuts! The folks over in Finance are
really giving me a chance to work on my conflict resolu-
tion skills. I am a hard worker. I think that project
turned out pretty well. Frank will be pleased. I should
take a little walk and get re-energized. Almost time to
go homeand see my family!
5:00 Drive home I think Ill listen to jazz. I guess Id better figure out
what to make for dinner. Ill take this time in traffic and
think about what I really want. Oh good, Peter is home.
I love my husband.
5:30-10:30 Evening at home Great. Peter is sitting on the couch watching the news.
Maybe Ill sit down next to him for a few minutes and
catch up. I am grateful to be the center of this family. I
have created a happy home for us. Hey, this lasagna is
pretty good. Since there is nothing good on TV tonight,
I think Ill read that new book I got from the library.
Im going to plan a vacation for next month.
10:30 Bed I worked hard today. I am so lucky to have such a full
and rich life. Many women would envy me. This bed
sure feels cozy.
Can you see the difference? Which Maya is going to feel instantly happier about her life?
Obviously its the one who is thinking happier thoughts. Youll notice that the basic elements of
her day are the same: fighting kids, traffic, fatigue, work, and chores. Its how Maya chooses to
look at these things that determines how she is going to see herself.
After youve read this section, youre going to notice that you are more aware of your thoughts.
Good! If youre having negative thoughts, dont beat yourself up about it. Thats adding more
negative thoughts about having negative thoughts! Instead, just recognize that you are in a
learning process, and think about what is positive in the situation. If youre having trouble, ask,
What is the good in this situation? Stay focused on the question, and in a few minutes the
answer will come to you. Over time, with practice, youll begin to make this a habit.
Exercise: Eliminate the Negative
Now its your turn. Try this exercise for that. Count the number of negative things that come out
of your mouth in one day. It could be anything. Oh, I hate being stuck in a traffic jam. It can
even be stuff you think deserves your feeling negative about it. However, count the times that
you notice those things and see if you like that number. The bad things in life jump up and
down and shout for our attention, and the good things sometimes just sit there quietly waiting
for us to point them out and notice them and celebrate them. We have to make sure that were
aware first when we have negative thoughts and feelings.
We can have negative reactions to negative things. However, wed be much more powerful in
this world if we have positive reactions to negative things. We wont be victims; well be more
powerful in the process. Be aware of the negative things in our lives. Be aware of the negative
definitions that we have and whether or not were projecting those into the world and then
reacting to a reflective definition.
These 10 things we need to let go of; they take work. It takes ongoing work to develop our char-
acter. Its going to take you roughly a lifetime. It wont take much less than that. Because as you
learn to be more peaceful, more loving, more happy to find the fear behind the anger, to let go
of the jealousies and insecurities that get in the way of your relationships and so on, youll find
new levels of behavior, new heights that you can aspire to, and youll want those. However,
youll find yourself happy while you want them, not unhappy till you get them. Youll have dis-
covered the art of surrender in getting what you want with half the effort.
Exercise: Why Cant You Have It All?
Write down the things that you think you cant have in your life. Write anything peace, love,
happiness, joy, or adventure. Then write down why you think you cant have those things.
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
And when youre done with that list, draw a big X through each one, one at a time. Pretend
youre the lawyer for the opposing side and write down why thats a complete load of junk and
why you actually can have those things in your life.
Start focusing on the reasons you can have these things rather than the reasons that you cant.
Youll start to realize that theres less in your way than you thought and that these debilitating
myths meaning these myths that get in the way of your having the story that you want
arent necessarily true.
Session 8: THE POWER OF FA I T H :
THE ULT I M AT E WEAPON AGAINST FEAR
This session is about strategic surrender and the power of faith. You know, the subject of faith
is compelling to some, frightening to others, and misunderstood by most. Yet, when one consid-
ers what it is that allows a human being to transcend and to grow, to even attempt to tap a
higher level of his or her potential, its faith. All the talent or skills in the world would be useless
without the courage to leave what we know and take ourselves into the unknown. And that
courage comes from faith.
When we start from a realm that we know, and we want to leave that place to go to another life,
a life that maybe gives us more happiness, more peace, or more power, were going to have to
leave the familiar behind.
There are four main drivers behind what motivates us to venture into the experiential unknown:
ignorance, curiosity, fear and faith. Ignorance is a great driver for us to learn things that we
dont know. If you dont know something is hard, it will be easier for you to learn something
than someone who has the preconceived idea that it is hard.
Curiosity is also a driver to help us move toward that which we dont know. But curiosity does-
nt serve us sometimes because it can lead us into areas we shouldnt be in.
Fear can be a driver a very positive driver. It doesnt have to be all bad. There are many peo-
ple who are in shape physically, not because they want to look good, but because they are afraid
of being overweight, or of getting cancer or a heart attack. So fear isnt always a bad thing.
Exercise: What Drives You
In the following spaces, give an example of a time when you were driven by ignorance, curiosi-
ty, and fear. Perhaps you started to learn Japanese, but were ignorant of how hard it would be.
Maybe you were curious to try sushi. Or, maybe there was a time when you took a job because
you were afraid to be without one.
Ignorance: ______________________________________________________________________________
Curiosity: _______________________________________________________________________________
Fear: ___________________________________________________________________________________
Of the four drivers that can help us experience a world that we dont yet know, faith can be the
most powerful.
Please understand we are talking about faith and not courage. Courage is quite misunderstood.
Courage really is just another response to fear. In fact, great courage requires great levels of
fear. If youre not afraid when you do something, then it isnt courage when you act.
Faith is one of the most necessary and important tools we have as humans. Faith is such a tool
because it can help get us past the biggest and most common barriers in our lives: fear.
Faith is the antidote to fear.
Lets begin with what faith actually is. Faith isnt belief. While similar to belief, its much more
powerful. Belief is largely based on expectation and hope, while faith is grounded in a firm con-
viction that goes far beyond hope.
To change is to mature, and to mature is to go on creating ones self endlessly. Life requires that
we learn how to continuously step boldly into an unknown world that is beyond our control.
While we are biological creatures of the present, living forever in the here and now, our lives
will be shaped by the way we approach the next present moment to come our way.
Most of us fear the unknown to varying degrees. Frankly, were smart to do so. We should be
wary of that which we dont know; otherwise wed be fools. Were more comfortable with the
familiar than with the unfamiliar. Even if the familiar causes us discomfort, its a discomfort
that we know, and by nature were more comfortable with what we know than what we dont.
When we want to change who we are or what we do in substantial ways, like losing 40 pounds
or becoming wealthy or creating more loving relationships, we need to have a tool that goes
beyond mere logic and reason. We need a tool that will allow us to behave differently than weve
learned in the past. We need to make a leap of faith that compels us to behave in a certain way
with a firm conviction that if we do, something good will come of it.
In the context of the art of surrender, faith is the ultimate surrender. It requires that we surren-
der all that we experientially know to something that we dont know. If we do this correctly, any
fear that we may have had will go away. In this way, faith is the antidote to fear.
Faith and Religion Are Two Different Things
Quite a few people in this country have a backlash to religion. The exclusionary nature of some
religions bothers many people today in this culture. For many reasons, formal religion doesnt
work for a lot of people. It doesnt appeal to their sensibilities.
W h a t s important here is that we understand the diff e rence between faith, spirituality, and re l i-
gion, and how faith in many forms, and in any form that you choose, can be a great tool for you.
Any religion, no matter what religion it is, is manmade. Its based on a system of dogmas and
practices and beliefs that can lead you on a path toward righteousness using the power of faith.
In that way, religion is very effective. If you study religions throughout history, they have been a
very effective tool in helping society learn and live in a way that allows people to exist for some-
thing greater than themselves.
But faith and religion dont necessarily have to be attached. If you dont go to a synagogue or a
church or a temple and you dont feel that you have religion in your life, it doesnt mean that
you have to turn away from and not be able to benefit from the power that faith can bring to
you in your life.
Faith is knowing that which you have
no real reason to believe.
Almost everyone has heard the term self-fulfilling prophecies. We know that we can bring about
bad things in our lives just because we believe that thats the story. We know also that we can
bring about good things in our lives because we believe that thats the story. But, its not belief,
its faith. We actually have faith in the mythological power of the story.
Whats the difference between faith and optimism? Optimism is just believing that some good
outcome will happen because its better to believe to be positive than to be negative. Optimism
isnt bad, but it cant substitute for the power of faith.
Now that weve talked a little bit about the distinctions between faith and religion, faith and
optimism, and the different types of faith, lets talk about faith in trust, because faith requires
trust. And trust is one of the most misunderstood concepts.
Trust Is Given, Not Earned
Another concept weve all heard is that trust isnt just given, trust has to be earned. Well, thats
actually not true. It sounds good; perhaps its something we heard as we were growing up.
Perhaps it was an effective tool that our parents used in raising us. But in the end, trust isnt
earned, its given. All the earning in the world can take place without trust. Trust doesnt exist
until someone gives it.
Faith requires that kind of trust. You see, we cant wait until whatever it is we have faith in to
have earned our trust. Instead, faith has to be given. Thats why they call it a leap of faith. Its
not a step, its not a test, its not a lets see how this goes. Faith requires a leap.
Exercise: Take a Leap
To illustrate the concept of a leap of faith, think back to a time when you did that. Perhaps
you launched a new business with no guarantee it would work out. Perhaps you had a child
when your life wasnt completely ready. In the following space, write an example of a time when
you trusted enough to take a leap of faith:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Is there a leap of faith you should be taking now?
Faith Is Transferable
One of the most amazing things about faith is that you can actually transfer it to someone else
and not lose it yourself. There are times well do things for others that we wont do for our-
selves. For example, if you promise yourself to get up every day to work out, there are some
days that you might be tired or you dont feel as well, and you say, Well, maybe I can be better
if I get extra sleep versus if I work out today. And youll talk yourself into sleeping in. Some of
us can do this.
However, if you have an appointment to get your car in or go to the dentist, youll be more true
to that appointment. We have a tendency to want to do things for others that we wouldnt do for
ourselves. Even if you dont feel compelled to experiment with learning how powerful faith can
be for you in your life, think about those you love. Think about how much you could help them
in their lives with your faith. Maybe thatll be enough to encourage you to experiment with the
power of faith in learning how it can be the antidote to fear.
Exercise: Give It Away
Who in your life has given you faith when you needed it? It could be a parent who believed you
could achieve something you didnt think you could. It might be a boss who had faith that you
could handle a professional challenge. In the following space, write down an example of a time
when someone transferred his or her faith to you.
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Now think of the times when you have faith and give it to someone else. To whom do you trans-
fer faith? To whom could you give more?
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Youre Already Faithful
You practice faith every day, when you get out of bed and go to work, when you get into a car
and drive, youre practicing faith that the person coming at you is not going to cross the line
and run into you. Without faith, how would you be able to continue to even do that?
Exercise: What Would You Do If You Could Not Fail?
The next time you find yourself faced with fear fantasies of all the possibilities that could go
wrong in your life, stop yourself. Say, My, isnt this interesting? Then think about what you
would do if you knew you couldnt fail. What would you do? Whom would you call? Whom
would you ask for help? What actions would you take?
__________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Let those actions and those thoughts consume your psychic energy. Remember, you have only
so much energy. If you direct it all with faith, there wont be any energy left to feed your fears.
And that will be the beginning of understanding the power of faith.
Session 9: HOW TO PROFIT FROM YOUR KNOWLEDGE:
THE FIVE STEPS TO WISDOM
In this advanced day and age weve never been smarter about so many things. Were a sophisti-
cated society. Weve got modern technology on our side. We know more about ourselves than we
ever have before. Yet, there have never been more people working so hard to be happy, working
so hard to find peace, working so hard and yet left feeling unfulfilled.
One of our challenges is that we confuse awareness and knowledge with wisdom. This session
talks about the differences between awareness, knowledge, and wisdom. Plotinus in ancient
Greece said that knowledge, if it doesnt determine action, is dead to us.
Why would Plotinus have any reason to make that statement back in ancient Greece if back in
the ancient times there werent know-it-alls? Just like today. Whats a know-it-all? A know-it-all
is someone who knows what he or she should do but doesnt profit from that knowledge. It
must be a human condition, not just a condition of our time, for Plotinus to have noticed it
back in his day.
Exercise: Are You a Know-It-All?
For this exercise, identify at least one area in which you have the knowledge to manifest success
but arent applying it.
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
The Five Steps to Wisdom
Awareness
Consideration
Experimentation
Experience
Commitment
In this session were going to make a distinction between the five steps to wisdom. The five
steps are simple: Theyre awareness, consideration, experimentation, experience, and commit-
ment. You see, we dont just know something and then start profiting from it. Its not an auto-
matic process like that. Instead, what we do is we unconsciously go through these five steps
before we can actually profit from our knowledge.
Awareness, the first step to wisdom. Clearly we have to become aware of something before
we know it in any way at all. If youre not aware of it, it doesnt exist in your world. So you cant
know anything youre not aware of. You cant consider anything youre not aware of because it
doesnt exist in your realm.
For example, in another session we talked about how under all anger is fear. Well, you may have
had an anger management problem your entire life and not known how to find the fear that
was under or beneath or driving your anger. The awareness of that fact can lead you to start to
consider, experiment, and have more positive experiences with managing your anger. But until
you became aware that fear feeds anger, you cant know it. You cant consider it; you cant
experiment with it. So in this regard awareness is, obviously and necessarily, the first step of the
five steps to wisdom.
The essence of learning begins with an awareness of ourselves. Until we do whats necessary to
bring unproductive definitions and contexts to our conscious awareness it will not be possible
for us to take the next step. Like everything else that leads to human growth, acquiring wisdom
is a process, and that process begins with awareness.
Exercise: Develop Awareness
In the previous exercise you identified one area in which you have the knowledge to manifest
success, but arent applying it. When did you become aware of the area? For example, if the
area is losing weight, when did you first become aware of the concept of weight loss?
________________________________________________________________________________________
The second step to wisdom is consideration. As youve been listening to the concepts and
stories and thoughts in this program, youve become aware of some things perhaps that you
werent aware of before. The next automatic step that your mind went to was to consider them
in your life.
The distinction between being merely aware of something and considering something is that
you enter yourself into the equation. Youre not just aware of an objective fact that exists alone
in the universe, youre now considering what does that mean to you.
Exercise: Consider This
At what point did you begin to consider the area as it related to you? In our weight-loss exam-
ple, when did you realize that you, personally, could benefit from losing weight?
________________________________________________________________________________________
In other words, if it doesnt serve me, if it doesnt have a positive effect on me, how could I
make it serve me? How can I change the meaning of that myth? How can I change its effect on
my life? In this way, consideration is a natural human step. Once we become aware of some-
thing, in order for it to have meaning for us, we need to go to the step of consideration. How do
we fit into that? How does it affect us?
Many of us go through life unaware of that which we feel, unaware of why we feel it, even
u n a w a re of things that we know or how we know them or why we know them or how we came
to know them. You know, for example, on some levels, the stories that drive you. Yet youre
u n a w a re perhaps that they drive you. Yo u re unaware perhaps of how they affect who comes into
your life and how it affects the circumstances of your life. We dont consider what they mean in
t e rms of the happiness and the outcomes, the peace, the power that we might be looking for.
Exercise: Spend Some Time Alone
Give yourself time to consider. I love the quote by Thoreau when he said, Sometimes as I idly
sit on Walden Pond, I cease to live and begin to be. Stop thinking about deadlines and commit-
ments and tasks and goals, and just consider.
You know, we enter each age of life as a novice. Youre now this age. Youre now at this time, in
this world, which hasnt existed before. Who are you? How do you feel? What does it mean?
What are your truths? Do they serve you? And so on. And this consideration, not of things, but
of ourselves, helps us become more aware of what we know, more aware of who we are, and
leads to greater consideration of Is what we know and is who we are going to lead us to what
we want?
For this exercise, find a way to spend time alone daily. If you have to get up 15 minutes earlier
for work and go sit in a parking lot somewhere or in a park somewhere in your car because the
house is a zoo in the morning, then do it! Whether or not you come to any great realizations
about yourself, youll find one outcome. Youll have much more patience and much more time
for others because youll stop blaming them for the time that you dont have for yourself.
True consideration is the necessary second step on the path to wisdom. Its a step we have to
take in order to profit from any new awareness we may have. It allows us to think about how
we might use this new information, this new awareness, in order to form a more positive and
edifying context that will allow us to shift our perspective and create better outcomes for our-
selves.
Consideration leads to the third step: experimentation. What is real experimentation?
Experimentation is an operation undertaken to discover some unknown principle or effect. In
other words, its the process of gaining knowledge through trial and error. We cant know the
outcome of what were experimenting with until we experiment with it.
For us, the experiment is the act of doing. The experiment is acting on that which weve consid-
ered. It sounds as if that would be an easy thing to do. If we became aware of something and
we considered it and it sounded good or positive to us, then wed want to experiment with it.
But lets keep in mind, we are more comfortable with that which we know than that which we
dont.
To experiment requires that courage and that faith that we talked about. At this stage, were
dealing with something that by definition we dont yet know. Because if we knew it, it wouldnt
be an experiment.
Experiment doesnt require a leap of faith. An experiment is like a step, you can keep one foot
on the ground while you place the other one in front of you, see how it feels and then lift your
back foot up. So experimenting with new concepts isnt as daunting as taking a leap of faith.
Exercise: Experiment!
In the area weve been talking about, have you experimented? If so, what have you done? In our
weight-loss example, what experiments have you done?
________________________________________________________________________________________
The fourth step to wisdom is experience. Now we need to make a distinction between experi-
ment and experience. Its difficult to have an experience before experimentation because by its
v e ry definition, we can only experiment with things in order to have that experience of knowing.
Once you experiment with your awareness of how to make a cake, for example, youll have an
experience; youll have a cake.
This sounds obvious. But please understand, its not. Its not obvious to most people in their real
life, because most people are merely aware most people dont know how to profit from their
knowledge. If they did, Plotinus words wouldnt be so true today when he says, Knowledge, if
it doesnt determine action, is dead to us. People wouldnt know more about how to be happy
and yet still be unhappy.
Exercise: Experience
In the above area, after you experimented, what did you experience? Again using the weight-loss
example, have you experienced losing weight? If so, when?
________________________________________________________________________________________
Theres more information about how to live a fulfilled and meaningful life available to someone
today with no money, with no resources, than ever before in history perhaps. Yet, people are
still out searching, looking for their meaning, trying to buy their happiness, trying to find it in
other people and relationships and jobs and so on. So if this sounds obvious, look around and
notice that sometimes common sense isnt common.
Wisdom is knowledge put to work.
Now weve gone through four of the steps, awareness, consideration, experimentation, and
experience. But we still dont have wisdom. What we have now is mere knowledge. Knowledge
is good. They say knowledge is power. Its not true. What you do with knowledge is power. To
know something alone and not do anything with it is not power. We need the fifth step to profit
from our knowledge, and doing so is wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge put to work.
The fifth step is commitment. Its wholehearted commitment that puts knowledge into action.
Once were truly committed, we wont keep sticking our toe in the water and pulling it back.
Well have the courage to dive in right through the wave and come out wiser on the other side.
As the Scottish writer W. H. Murray put it in The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, Until one is
committed, theres hesitancy. That moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence
moves too.
Commitment starts to put the universe to work for you. Commitment is more than decision.
Decision happens in an instant. Commitment happens over time.
When we truly commit to our self-development, to getting what we want more often with less
effort, to focusing on the things that will really bring us what we want, well have the courage
when life is most challenging, when were faced with the most adversity, to experiment in those
times of adversity with what we know we should do, not go back to what were comfortable
doing. Not to give a knee-jerk reaction and get mad because thats how weve always handled
adversity in the past, but perhaps to consider our desire to be right or our negative stories and
how theyre driving us, how theyve driven us in the past but dont have to drive us in the future,
and so on. Commitment gets us through those moments positively. And thats how we build our
character.
If youll commit to the five steps of wisdom combined with using the four rules of engagement,
just those sections of this program, youll get more of what you want more often, and youll be
happier in the process.
See, through commitment we use the power of time. Life can simply be broken down to time
and energy. We are creatures of the moment. How we spend that energy now affects our future
in ways we cant even comprehend. If you use the power of commitment youll be investing in
the certainty of time. And youll benefit in ways from that that you cant imagine because youll
be putting your knowledge to work for you.
Exercise: Make the Commitment
In the following space, make the commitment to put your knowledge into action. In the area
youve been working on in this session, make the commitment to use the knowledge and take
action.
My Commitment:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________________
Date and Signature
Session Ten: HAPPINESS AS A WAY OF LIFE:
CHERISH THE CHASE
AS MUCH AS THE TROPHY
In this session were going to talk about happiness. Happiness, not as moments of happiness,
but happiness as a way of life.
If youre like most people, you spend a great deal of your life looking for happiness in the wrong
places. We spend a great deal of our lives wanting one thing but looking to something else to
find it. We think that if someone loves us well be happy. We think that if we have money well
be happy. We think that if our circumstances change well be happy.
Chances are, if you took a poll in this country and asked people if theyre happy, most people
will say that they are about as happy as they could be given their circumstances. Yet, if you ask
people if circumstances in life dictate happiness, most people will say no. You have to find your
own happiness. So wheres the disconnect?
Exercise: Ill Be Happy When
Make a list of all the events or situations that you think would make you happy. Maybe its when
you have enough money that you dont have to worry about the future. Or, when you can retire
or when you get married, when you have a baby, when the kids get married, when they have
kids, when you move into a bigger house, etc.
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Now think about how many of those things you used to think would make you happy have
already happened. Ask yourself if they have really brought you to higher levels of happiness
consistently in your daily life. Think about how that implies that given your current context,
youll never be happy.
Next, think about people who have all those things. Are they stress free? Are they problem free?
Are they happy at the level that youre seeking in your life? Perhaps what youll see when you do
this exercise is that to postpone our happiness for some future circumstance that we cant con-
trol is foolish. Its not based in any reality; its just based on some story, some context that we
made up that if and when this happens, we will be happy.
If we really, truly are serious about wanting to be happy,
we have to stop attaching happiness to some of
the things that we aspire to in our lives.
I t s good to aspire; its good to test out our capacities. As were able to create more accomplish-
ments and achievements in our lives, our capacities rise. Ve ry rarely will a person say, You know
what, this is the best I can do at everything Im doing. The human capacity doesnt work that
w a y. We grow to another level and our capacity grows again, once again, beyond our reach.
So to say that well be happy when we have some level of achievement based on our current
reality is to put off our happiness perhaps forever, because in our future reality, we will raise the
bar of what we want. And then well attach that happiness to that new level of achievement.
This is a recipe for never bringing happiness and peace into our lives.
Many things can interfere with our happiness in the present. Our fears, our anxieties about our
futures, and our regrets about the past can all hold us back from experiencing happiness right
now. Our capacity to be happy in the future is directly related to our ability to find happiness in
the present.
Dont Miss the Music of the Moment
Regardless of our circumstances, we all have our difficult passages in life. While were going
through those passages, we have to remember that well get through them. Well be okay. As a
matter of fact, we may even learn something from them and grow from them. But in the mean-
time, people are listening to whats coming out of the end of our horns. Theyre deciding thats
who we are. And theyre deciding, based on who we are, how theyll treat us. But worst of all,
were missing the music of the moment.
Too often we tune into the static and the noise, and we miss the music. Sometimes we even
treat the people that we love the most the worst while we work toward the happiness that were
looking for.
Get Out of the Way!
When it comes to happiness, there are two things that get in the way. One is that we dont live
in the now. Another is that we regret. We dont live in the now because we regret things or we
long for things. Were mortgaging our happiness for some other time that exists, forgetting that
we will never exist in another time. We will only ever exist in the now.
Exercise: Things That Make Me Go Ahhhh
For this exercise, take 60 seconds and list anything and everything that you appreciate in your
life. Write down anything and everything that brings you any level of happiness, joy, or giggles.
What might happen is that you may start to write and think, Hmm I dont like this that
much. There are a lot of things in your life that make you feel good. They may not make you
happy, they may not qualify for out-and-out belly laughter, they may not qualify for nirvana, but
they do make you feel good. Thats what goes on this list.
Things that make me feel good:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Now, how do you feel? Do you feel happier right now than you did before you started this exer-
cise 60 seconds ago? You probably do. What youve just discovered with your experiment is that
happiness is in fact a byproduct; its not an end product.
Happiness is something that ensues,
not something that can be pursued.
Happiness is a byproduct of appreciation. What you did is you used the principle that we only
have so much psychic energy at any one point in time. So by forcing you to think of everything
you like, we used all of your psychic energy, brought all of that attention to that which you
liked. When that happened, as you focused on those things, your appreciation for those things
rose. Your appreciation went up as you brought your psychic energy to those things. And as
your appreciation rose, your level of happiness rose. Thats how happiness works. Thats why
most people that chase happiness cant get it. Its like grabbing water. Happiness is a byproduct
of appreciation.
So, practice cultivating your appreciation. As you go through your day, voice your appreciation,
internally, externally, however you can, for the things that you like and appreciate. Practice
appreciating, practicing noticing what you appreciate, and practice sharing what you appreciate
with the people who are around you. Youll find that pretty soon youll be pretty good at being
happy now.
This is not necessarily going to be easy. It requires effort in the moment. It requires the effort of
bringing your psychic energy to that which serves you, to good context, good definitions.
Cultivating your happiness by cultivating your appreciation. And its basic. But its about prac-
ticing the basics.
In fact, if you practice these basics and you make them a part of your life, youll be amazed as a
bonus that youll have all the things you were looking for and it wont be half as hard as you
thought. And as a byproduct, youll be happier in the process.
Session Eleven: BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN WHAT
YOU KNOW AND WHAT YOU DO
In this session, well talk about how you can best bridge the gap between what you know and
what you do. What really counts in life isnt what we know, its how much were able to do with
what we know.
A good definition of the true measure of ones intelligence should be measured by something
called the TQ, or the time quotient. The time quotient is the amount of time that passes between
when we become aware of something and when we actually profit from our knowledge.
There is nothing between you and beginning this process of shortening the time between aware-
ness and action. Here are some actions you can start taking today.
Number One: Make everyone your teacher. We dont pride ourselves to our lessons, we hum-
ble ourselves to our lessons. But sometimes we forget that. You see, humility is the key for us, if
we really want to be students. And the other part of that humility is making everyone our
teacher, not just people that we admire and respect, but also when we see people do things that
we dont admire, dont respect, or perhaps dont even like.
In making everyone our teacher, lets also make sure that we understand that no one is perfect.
A lot of us, as students, look for that perfect teacher until we find that perfect flaw. And then
theyre no longer our teacher. Instead, have a number of people who are your teachers, and each
one of them can teach you different things. In our lives were surrounded by people who are less
than Christ-like, but that doesnt mean that they cant teach us something or be our role models.
Exercise: Who Was Your Teacher Today?
Think back to today, or yesterday. Identify one person who was your teacher because he or she
was someone you respected and admired. Who was it, and what did he or she teach you? ____
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Now, identify another teacher from today or yesterday. Choose this person because you didnt
respect, agree with, or admire what the person was doing. What happened, and what did you
learn? __________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Number Two: Practice accepting reality. Remember, we talked about how if we dont accept
reality, were flirting with insanity. One of the ways that we should accept reality is to say,
There isnt going to be a time in my life when pain doesnt exist, when stress doesnt exist,
when worry doesnt exist, when problems dont exist. Im a human being and these things exist
in the human condition. What I have to do is learn to cultivate my appreciation while these
things happen.
You can choose to be happy and learn to be happy in a world full of problems. Remember, the
worlds a mess, its always been a mess, and its not ours to fix it. Its ours to learn how to be
happy and effective in it.
Now one of the things about accepting reality is to understand that happiness and unhappiness
d o n t exist separate and apart from each other. They exist at the same time in diff e rent levels. At
any point in time we are feeling some level of happiness. And at the same point in time were
feeling some level of unhappiness. When we begin to grade things, we focus our psychic energ y
on perhaps the things that we dont have. We may pull ourselves and be compelled to start think-
ing in negative terms. When we learn to accept this perfect re a l i t y, which is less than ideal in our
minds, we can also balance that by making sure that were practicing celebrating life.
Number Three: Practice using the power of context. Remember, its very difficult for us to
get to our myths or our driving truths, our stories. But its not difficult for us to shift the con-
text. Its difficult for us to deny how we feel; as a matter of fact its almost impossible to deny
how you feel. But its not difficult to change what something means. In shifting our context we
help find power in a process rather than feeling victimized by it.
A lot of times when people bring their problems to us, the first thing they want is for us to
honor their pain. Sometimes we can solve their problem instantly and so we do. And then they
dont seem quite happy with us at the moment because we didnt honor their pain.
Once weve sufficiently honored their pain, when weve honored them and their perspective, we
can begin to help them with their problem. Instead of solving their problem, help them find a
context where they can find power in their problem.
Exercise: Help Someone Else
Identify someone in your life who has a problem. How can you help that person shift the con-
text and find the power in the problem?
Who is the person? ______________________________________________________________________
What is the problem? ___________________________________________________________________
What is his or her current context? _______________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
What is a new way of looking at the situation?_____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
Number Four: Reduce the amount of clutter in your life. This program has talked a lot
about removing the amount of clutter in our minds, choosing our strategic battles, choosing our
strategic surrenders, fighting only the battles that we know we can win, letting go of the things
that we cant. Having faith to do so.
This translates to physical clutter as well. Clearing out the clutter in your life will allow you to
focus more on what you really love and what really makes you happy.
Exercise: Get Rid of the junk
Go through your drawers and your closets and your rooms, and if you find anything that you
havent used in a couple years, box it up and put it away. Anything that you use daily, make sure
you can get to it quite easily without having to move something. And anything you just use once
in a while can go on a higher shelf or toward the back of the drawer. Organize your life in terms
of that usefulness. If there is anything you havent used in over three or four years, throw it
away. You dont need it. You dont need to have it around you unless it has some really strong
emotional attachment to it.
Now this may be difficult for some of you to do because we like our stuff. Weve accumulated
our stuff. As a matter of fact we keep accumulating stuff; we have some stuff that is other peo-
ples stuff that were now holding because it was their stuff and were holding it for them.
Take a look at your life and the way youre organized and say, You know what? I havent worn
these clothes in five years; chances are Im not going to. Let me give them away. You know, I
havent used this piece on my desk for years. Its been sitting there from a convention that I
brought back that I said I would get to and Ive never gotten to it.
Take the time to clear your life out and take a look at your physical surroundings with new eyes
so that you can take a look at yourself with new eyes. These things have a tendency to some-
times have an ability to be psychic anchors. And while some psychic anchors are good, some
arent. Youve admitted that in order for you to get what you want more often, youll have to
learn to approach your life differently. Thats what this program is about. So give yourself a
chance to see yourself differently; perhaps move your bed to the other side of the room.
You know how when you get a new car you sometimes take a look at your life differently or
when you move or paint a room or reorganize it, you just feel differently about your life
because youve changed your familiar surroundings. Itll break your patterns that you have from
when you get up in the morning, when you sit down and have your cup of coffee, when you go
to work. Break some of those patterns. Its part of learning to let go. And it will help you see
yourself in a new light.
These are just some of the things that you can do to begin the process. This is a process that
begins with the way you see yourself. When you can see yourself differently, youll see a differ-
ent world and you will respond naturally to the world you see.
In this process that were in, its important that we remember to accept, adjust, and advance.
Life is a journey and where we are is perfect. Its where we are. Now we adjust and we keep
going.
Session Twelve: HOW TO LEAVE A GREAT LEGACY
Humans are the only species capable of contemplating our own mort a l i t y. Our death frightens us
and yet were compelled to consider it. This, then, compels us to contemplate the meaning of life.
Practically every one of us has at some point thought about how well be remembered after
were gone. Its a central fact of human nature that we all want to believe our living has had
some purpose and that well in some way leave our mark on the world for having been here.
Thats the ultimate expression of the second rule of engagement. Our greatest desire is to be
right. The greatest validation of our rightness would be to have lived a life that in some way
denies our mortality, a life that is bigger than ourselves, a life that transcends our own time on
this earth. We want to leave our mark.
The best way to leave a great legacy is to forget about it. We would be better off treating a lega-
cy the way we treat happiness, as a byproduct of a life well lived. If we could learn through
mindfulness, through bringing all we are to all we do, each moment at a time, through accept-
ing reality for all of the less-than-ideal things that it brings to us, and choose a context in which
we can find our power in the reality of the moment rather than be a victim to it, we will have
lived a life well lived, and that will be legacy enough
Sometimes we get confused between our job and life.
This is how we can learn to be the living example of that to which we aspire. And thats the
greatest legacy we can leave anyone, to show him or her that its possible to be happy in a
messed-up world.
Final Exam: Who Is in Your Way?
For this final exercise, you are to write down the names of the people who have been in the way
of your success. Who has been blocking you from happiness and success? Write down their
names here:
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________
How to tell if you passed the final exam.
Is your name on the above list? If not, it should be. In fact, it should be the only name on that
list. Cross out everyone else who is on the list except yourself. Because, until now, you have
been the only one blocking yourself from authentic power. With the strategies youve learned in
this program, though, that block can be gone.
Its possible to have power in an out-of-control world. While its not possible to win every battle,
it is possible to strategically choose our battles and win the important ones while we strategical-
ly surrender the rest.
YOU CAN CHOOSE SUCCESS
A NOTE AND SPECIAL GIFT FROM JOE CARUSO
Thank you for listening to The Principles of Authentic Power. Think about how you felt before
you ordered this program or before you listened to this program, when you were merely aware
of it because friends told you about it or you read about it or saw it somewhere. You had hope.
You had hope that what this title and the descriptions and the package and the marketing
promised would help you manifest what you were looking for in your life.
However, now that youve finished listening to it, and youve actually taken the action to openly
consider and objectively consider these concepts and how they might be able to help you in
your life, you need to go beyond hope; you need to go to faith. You need to be able to experi-
ment with these concepts. You need to bring them into your life and test them in your realities
to see if they can work for you. But when you test them, you need to test them with a firm con-
viction of faith, because that will determine the outcome to a great degree.
Through years of study, discipline and practice, I have developed a list of simple, powerful, and
effective truths and perspectives that I call Success Strategies. Im including them here as a
special gift for Nightingale-Conant customers. I hope these strategies help you discover your
success. Try choosing one strategy per day and use it throughout your day. Remember, when
you test these, do so with a firm conviction of faith, because that will determine the outcome to
a great degree.
Success Strategies
Realize that you are successful. You cant be successful and not realize it.
Label all your emotions as either love or fear.
Take responsibility for your own happiness; stop blaming others.
Learn the power of commitment.
Give yourself time alone regularly.
Admit that your thoughts, attitudes, behavior, and actions determine whos in your life and
how they treat you.
Define yourself.
Share your goals with others.
Discover the power of sincerity and honesty.
Look for reasons to laugh.
Openly and sincerely compliment what you admire and respect.
Realize that your egocentricity is your biggest enemy.
Discover the true meaning of faith and commit to it.
Realize that at least 90 percent of everything youve ever worried about never even happened.
Know that you cant be successful and be unhappy.
Realize that some people are toxic and should only be handled with great care and proper
protective precautions.
Realize that youre always in a negotiation, if not with others, then with yourself.
Know that guilt is an effective parent but an awful teacher.
Understand that its not what you know but what you do that counts.
Identify anger, guilt, fear, hatred, jealousy, animosity, and insecurity as poisons and stop tak-
ing them.
Discover that youre either helping or hurting everyone you meet; and now that you know this,
youre responsible.
Learn that wisdom is knowledge put to work.
Understand the difference between acceptance and resignation.
Know that love has nothing to do with wanting to be needed. Thats insecurity.
Discover that the significant difference between a dream and a vision is action.
Know that true power is learning to respond rather than react.
Discover that love, acceptance, sincerity, and patience can solve almost any problem.
Realize that tenacity and focus are more valuable than raw talent.
Decide that you deserve to be happy.
Embrace the fact that true happiness is born of the ability to enjoy the moment.
Cherish the chase as much as you treasure the trophy.
Understand that life is perfect and everything is on schedule.
Learn the power of acceptance.
Avoid identifying yourself by your causes.
Realize that achievement is not success.
Realize that your life is an interactive game; it cant be played alone.
Know that you cant experience hatred without also experiencing fear.
Commit to improving your verbal and written communication skills. Poor communication is
the cause of most problems.
Write down all the things you know beyond the shadow of a doubt and commit to them.
Allow people to discover; avoid trying to tell them.
Discover that the most powerful way to help those you love is to lead by example.
Realize that vanity is poison, laughter is medicine, and love is at once the action and the
reward.
Were all unique; were all different people. But were all in this together alone. What Ive tried
to do in my life is live my life the best I can and share my lessons with others in ways that
might inspire them to live a better life. And to have more of what they want. And to stop strug-
gling with battles that they not only cant win, but shouldnt.
I hope that this program has done that for you. I encourage you to listen to your favorite parts
again, and even the parts that perhaps you didnt agree with, to look for the nuggets there. Let
me be your teacher, whether you agreed with me or not.
The rest is up to you. The consideration, the experimentation, the experience is yours left to
have. And then make that commitment to do what you can do to stop fighting the battles that
you dont need to fight.
We wish you well on your journey, and wed like to remind you that the happily ever after that
youre looking for will come, but it will come one day at a time.
Good luck and may you find your authentic power! If you have any questions or comments, or
want more information, visit my website at http://www.carusoleadership.com.
Sincerely,
Joe Caruso
Awakening Your Spirit with These Great Titles
from Nightingale-Conant!
Solomons Treasures:
Strategies for Wealth and Happiness from the Richest Man Who Ever Lived
By Steven K. Scott
23200A / 23200CD
A View from the Top:
Moving from Success to Significance
By Zig Ziglar
22150A / 22150CD
Creating Miracles Every Day:
How to Turn Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Experiences
By Richard Carlson, Ph.D.
19110A / 19110CD
Change Your Beliefs, Change Your Life:
How to Take Control, Break Old Habits, and Live the Life You Deserve
By Nick Hall, Ph.D.
20971A / 20970CD
The Secret to Peace and Personal Power:
Six Keys to Forgiving Yourself and Others
By Michael Wickett
22070A / 22070CD
When Having It All Isnt Enough:
Resolving the Top Ten Dilemmas of the High Achiever
By Jim Warner
23120A / 23120CD
All available from Nightingale-Conant at 1-800-525-9000 or visit our website at
www.nightingale.com.
48
1 - 8 0 0 - 5 2 5 - 9 0 0 0
w w w. n i g h t i n g a l e. c o m

Joe Caruso - The Principles of Authentic Power

Transféré par

Informations du document

Description originale:

Titre original

Copyright

Formats disponibles

Partager ce document

Partager ou intégrer le document

Options de partage

Avez-vous trouvé ce document utile ?

Ce contenu est-il inapproprié ?

Droits d'auteur :

Formats disponibles

Joe Caruso - The Principles of Authentic Power

Transféré par

Droits d'auteur :

Formats disponibles

THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWER

FINDING STRENGTH, MEANING, AND HAPPINESS

Vous aimerez peut-être aussi