Wreck This Journal by blaineandersonsbooty

Klaine || AU || R When Blaine Anderson is sent to the psychiatric unit of Lima City Hospital, he didn't think it was possible to feel more alone. Very shortly after his admission, however, his life is turned upside down when he is assigned a roommate by the name of Kurt Hummel. Will be written in first person POV in the format of a journal. TRIGGER WARNING: THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN TALK OF/ACTS OF SELF-HARM, EATING DISORDERS, RAPE, AND SUICIDE.
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Contents
Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty -4-

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- 15 - 26 -

- 39 - 41 - 46 - 49 - 63 - 69 -

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- 88 - 94 - 97 -

- 113 - 115 - 117 - 123 - 134 -

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Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Chapter Twenty-Four Chapter Twenty-Five Epilogue

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Contents

Chapter One
November 26, 2010 Yesterday began to first day of what Im expecting to be the rest of my sorry existence. Let me start off my saying that I never intended any of this to happen, let alone land me in the psychiatric unit at the hospital. place yesterday just before Thanksgiving dinner. Everything in my life began to fall apart exactly a year ago yesterday, but things just began to fall into Because depression and self-harm had taken over my life, and because I had failed to better cover those

things up, I had issued myself a one-way ticket into the loony bin. And the sad part is, with each bad thing that happened to me, I tried to reject that it was happening to me in the first place. I wasnt gay.

Step one: Realizing that I was probably gay. I dated as many girls as possible, trying to prove to myself that Well, that didnt work.

So, after mulling it over with myself for a few months that, hey, I was definitely not attracted to girls, and becoming comfortable with it, I came out to my family on Thanksgiving Day last year. That was probably the worst time to do it.

In short, first silence ensued, then denial, then yelling, then insults. When the insults began to fly I stopped

eating and went to bed. Over those next few days, the awkwardness between my father and I was worse Overall, he was mostly quiet about the whole thing.

than usual. He didnt say anything to me, and I didnt say anything to him. It was only a bit different from how we usually were; exchanging words only when we had to, sometimes not talking for a day or two. It wasnt until I went back to school that things truly began to fall apart.

The cousins I had that were my age and went to school with me had done what they do best: run their mouths about things that werent really their business. They had told their friends that I had come out -4during Thanksgiving dinner, and naturally, word spread around school and over the course of the next

Contents few days I became the new thing to make fun of. When I went back to school, all eyes were on me. Silence followed me everywhere, all talk suddenly being lowered to a dull silence when I entered a room. was left completely and utterly alone. I had only had one good friend. After hearing about me from other people, he never spoke to me again. So I From that day and onward, things never got better. Only worse. on for a few months, I had finally had enough and told my dad.

I was made fun of and physically assaulted on several occasions. No one came to my rescue. After it went I just want it to stop, I had said after explaining what had been happening to me.

My dad hadnt looked at me once the entire time. He didnt see how the broken feeling inside of my chest had transferred to my face to form an expression. He glanced up at me for the first time since I sat down to the words I had been dreading: speak to him, meeting my eyes. His expression was cold and had an I told you so air to it. Then he spoke Youre gay. You chose this, so you have to deal with it. Im not going to help you because I cant.

I remember that I began to quake with rage, angry tears filling my eyes. You think I chose this? I asked. You think I chose to be beaten up, slurred at, have my only friend drop me? Do you think I wanted this? My voice rose with every word I spoke. My father didnt say anything.

Youre not going to try and help me? I asked. He was still silent. Do you even care? My voice broke. And just like everyone else, he had ignored me.

Commence step two: Beginning to cut myself, trying to deny the horrible thoughts that constantly plagued thing.

me, only to later tell myself that I wasnt going to continue this horrible act, that it was only a one-time The words that he didnt say were the things that had first sent me tumbling over the edge. I stormed upstairs to my bathroom, tearing open the new package of razors I had bought the day before. I took one -5-

Contents of them out, willing my feet to walk into my bedroom. I sat down on my bed and tore out one of the blades, my mind moving at a thousand miles a second. I could barely process what I was doing when I pressed the blade to the flesh of the inside of my wrist, dragging it across with only a bit of pressure. It cut through the skin and brought a flare of pain with it, making me grit my teeth and clench my eyes shut.

But despite that, it had made me feel better. It had made me stop thinking about everything for a few minutes and allowed me to focus on something else other than the fact that my dad didnt care that I was So much for it being a one-time thing. suffering--mentally and emotionally--that he had never cared about me in first place.

And thats how my life was for the next few months.

Which brings me to Step Three: Realizing that I may have depression, and then constantly telling myself that I was overreacting and that I couldnt possibly have depression. My life after that was a never ending cycle of wake up, go to school, get treated like shit, come home, get something that I craved, something I looked forward to when I arrived home each day. I slowly began to feel myself grow less and less like my old selfwhom I could barely even rememberas each week of me and leaving me with only negative ones. that my whole life was in denial about itself.

ignored, eat dinner, cut, take a shower, sleep. The cutting got worse as time went by, slowly becoming passed. It felt like there was a black hole in my chest, sucking all of my positive emotions and thoughts out I tried to deny my previous speculations about myself and my currently troubling subconscious. It seemed Yesterday, my dad found out about the cutting.

He had walked in on me while I was changing my shirt before Thanksgiving dinner. He opened the door without knocking like he always did, and he spotted the ugly scars and cuts that littered my sides and my taking in the scars that I had left on my body. arms. He froze, as did I, and I could feel the color drain from my face as his eyes traveled up and down, Dad I started. But he had already shut the door and went back downstairs. I started shaking, afraid of what was to come next. I heard family arriving downstairs, and when my dad never came back up to my -6-

Contents room to say anything, I put on a new shirt. I sat in my room until I got a text from dad telling me to come downstairs for dinner. So I did.

I ate dinner with the family, and it was mostly silent except for the scraping of utensils on plates and the occasional question of, (Insert relatives name here) can you pass me the (insert food item here)? and the answer of Sure. When it was over, I went back upstairs to my room. I heard everyone leaving, and in the back of my mind I thought of how rude it was of me to not say goodbye, but I quickly pushed that thought away because I really didnt care that much.

After the last of my family had left, the house was silent for a while. At about seven, I heard my dad arm.

clamber up the stairs. He opened my door and threw a suitcase at me, narrowly missing hitting me in the Pack your things. Youre going to the hospital, he told me. Ill be taking you tomorrow. What? Why? I asked, standing up.

He didnt answer me. Instead, he just shut the door and went back downstairs. I put the suitcase on the stuff to take!

floor and followed him out, saying, At least tell me how long Im going to be there so I know how much I dont know how long youll be there! he called back. hospital visit in my mind. placed in a padded room.

I sighed and did as he asked and packed my things in the suitcase, running over explanations for this It's official. I'm crazy. Dad's sending me to a mental facility, where I will be stuffed into a strait jacket and

-7-

Contents Okay, now that Im looking at that now, that was a bit of an exaggeration. But I couldnt help thinking that extended stay.

at the time. I was clueless as to why I was being sent to the hospitaland apparently for a greatly

We left for the hospital at four today. Dad grabbed my suitcase and put it in the trunk of his car, and then we drove off. Again, I asked him why he was sending me to the hospital. He actually answered me that time. I called them last night after I saw you in your room. They said theyd admit you into the psychiatric unit and help you. Might even help you get over being gay. Excuse me? I said.

Dont upset yourself, Blaine, he sighed. someone else so they can do it for him. Great.

Oh. So he not only didnt care, but he didnt want to deal with this himself, so hes handing me over to

This renewed a belief I had formed very long ago, and to this day still believed very strongly in: my dad When we finally arrived at the hospital and dad got out of the car, I lingered inside for a few seconds, taking in deep breaths through my nose to ensure myself that, no, I would not have a breakdown in the anyone, most importantly my dad. It would only increase his current sense of thought that I am indeed slowly spiraling out of control. middle of the hospital parking lot while still inside of the car. That wouldnt make a good impression on was a huge asshole.

But he (and probably several other people as well) kind of werent wrong about that, so maybe having a monthsmaybe a year, I lost trackspiraling out of control.

nervous breakdown would greater personify the fact that I am currently and have been for several After calming myself down in the only non-literally-self-destructive way that I knew how, I opened the

passenger side door and planted my feet on the wet asphalt, inhaling the chilly air that slapped me in the face. It was actually refreshing and made me feel a little better. -8-

Contents That was until my dad shoved my suitcase to me, hitting me in the knee. I grunted through gritted teeth, but he ignored me and looked at me with a hard gaze. Come on. Theyre expecting us, he said. He walked up to the hospitals main doors, expecting me to follow. I waited there for a few minutes, staring at him in total distaste. He really was a horrible excuse for a human, and yes, I know thats horrible thing. to think when its your own family, but if you were to meet my dad, you would probably say the same Anyway.

I followed him to the front doors, and we approached a nurse (secretary? I honestly have no idea what she she still didnt look up from her paper.

was) at the front desk. She had frizzy red hair and she looked to be about forty, maybe a little older. She was reading the morning paper, not paying a bit of attention to us. My dad rung the bell on her desk, but

Excuse us, my dad finally said after clearing his throat. The secretary/nurse/whatever she was to the hospital lowered her paper and pulled her reading glasses off of her face, and asked in a robotic voice, May I help you?

Yes. My son is being accepted into the psychiatric unit today, and wed like to know who we have to see, what papers to sign, the normal stuff. The woman sighed and her eyes flickered to me for a moment. Sixth floor. When you get up there, speak up her phone as we started turned toward the elevators.

to Nancy. Ill notify her of your impending arrival and she should be waiting for you. The woman picked Thank you, my dad said. He glanced at me and we walked away from the desk lady and to the elevators. sight of the place I would become very well acquainted with in these next few monthspossibly more.

The ride up was silent, though I expected no less. When the doors finally opened, I was greeted with the The psychiatric unit was your standard hospital hallway, branching off into several different hallways at some points. The floor was made up of white and teal linoleum, the walls and ceilings were white. There the chairs against the wall opposite it. was a small waiting area with slightly uncomfortable-looking chairs sitting against the wall and a coffee table with magazines sitting in the middle. A TV hung in one of the corners near the ceiling, just in view of -9-

Contents A desk sat a ways away from this waiting area, closed off from the entire thing. A woman with blonde hair and a pale face looked up as she heard us approaching. Nancy, I presume? my father asked. Anderson.

Yes! she said, standing up. She was thin, her facial features sharp and angular. And you must be Mr. Yes I am, my dad said. She shook his hand and gave him a big smile. Her short hair bobbed up and down as she shook my dads hand. I called yesterday about my son, Blaine. Hes checking in here today. Nancy nodded. I remember. Youre going to have to fill out some papers. She rooted around her desk care of.

until she found a clipboard with several papers attached to it and a pen. After that, hell be ours to take She made it sound like I was being given up for adoption. In a way, I kind of was. I tried not to dwell too much on it. After you fill out the papers, Blaine will need to get a physical to assure that he is healthy and then well begin his treatment from there. My dad nodded as he scribbled across each page. Nancy went back to her desk and sat down, typing something on her computer and writing things down on paper. I sat next to my father, staring at my feet and letting my mind wander. I kept glancing up at the clock, watching the minutes ticking slowly by. hes going to be staying here? When my father finally finished the paperwork, he handed it to Nancy and asked, So, from this point on, For as long as necessary, yes, Nancy said.

My dad nodded and glanced over at me. Well, goodbye. I hope you get better. anything at all.

I nodded back at him, not knowing what to say. I was actually a little surprised; I expected him to not say Youre free to come back to visit or call at any time, Mr. Anderson, Nancy said. - 10 -

Contents Ill remember that, he said as he turned back toward the elevators. I swallowed and almost inconspicuously shook my head, as I knew that he wouldnt once take Nancy up on her offer after today. Nancy turned to me and smiled. So! If youll follow me, Ill show you where your room is so you can leave your suitcase in there. Then Ill show you to where youll get your physical, and everything from there is straightforward.

Nancy walked out of her desk area and gestured for me to follow her down the door-lined hallway. As we walked, she explained some of the main rules of the facility. No cell phones were permitted to be used, and because of my current situation, I was only allowed to shave three times a week, and only when there was an adult present in the room.

All of the doors in the main hallway were closed, and just by looking at them I could tell they were occupied; they had pictures and notes taped to them, and from behind one of them I could hear light music read the names Quinn, Santana and Brittany, and Kurt. and people talking. There were names on the doors, each name written in a different style, but you could tell that they were drawn by the same hand. They must have marked who lived in that particular room. I Nancy stopped in front of a door marked 300. She opened it and showed me inside, turning on the light

and telling me to put my suitcase on one of the two beds inside. The room was medium sized, with two twin beds covered with plain white comforters. A window allowed the gray brightness of the outside filter a door that led into a small bathroom. What do you think? Nancy asked. into the room through a set of blinds. I could hear rain hitting the window. An empty bookcase sat next to the bed nearest to the door, two (I assume theyre both empty) dressers next to both beds, and there was

Its nice, I replied. However, when I inhaled, I didnt enjoy the smell of antiseptic clogging my nose. I have to remind myself to somehow get my hands on some air freshener. You can unpack later. Because right now, Nancy led me out of the room as I set my suitcase next to the bed nearest the window, closing the door behind us, and further down the hallway. You need to get a physical and speak with your therapist, Doctor Bailey. I have a therapist? I asked.

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Contents Of course you do! Everyone in the psychiatric ward does, Nancy replied in an uh duh voice, as though I

should know that everyone has a therapist. She told me to wait outside of the door we had stopped in

front of until someone named Doctor Green (who would perform my physical and attempt to diagnose me things on her desktop for who knows how many more hours. was doing. I didnt answer, because

and prescribe me medication) came to meet me. So I stood there for a few minutes, watching Nancy walk down the hall back to her desk area where she would probably sit and file more things and type more Doctor Green, a tallish man with brown hair and glasses arrived, and he shook my hand and asked how I 1.) Im shy and dont really like new people. Especially doctors. They made me nervous. Every time I used to get my flu shot and they asked me to pull up my sleeve, Id always get paranoid that theyd see my cutting scars and tell my dad about it. Stuff like that stays with you, I guess.

2.) My answer probably would have been something along the lines of: I was doing just fine on my own bad first impression of me.

until I was thrust in here without any knowledge Or something else sarcastic that could have given him a He asked the standard questions. What are your symptoms? When did they first begin? Stuff like that.

When he first caught a glimpse of my cuts, I saw him freeze for a few milliseconds, and he tried to act like it never happened, assuming that I didnt notice. When the physical was finished and Doctor Green told me that hed be speaking to me in a few days about my diagnosis and possible prescription. And even though I wanted to do nothing more than go into my room, take a hot shower, and fall into a deep sleep, I drug myself to Doctor Baileys office at the end of the hall. Maybe she wouldnt be there, and then I could go back to my room and sleep. But my hopes were dashed when I opened the door and she looked up at me from where she sat at her desk. She gave me a small smile. Blaine Anderson? she asked. I opened the door a little more and stepped inside, immediately noticing how different it looked from the rest of the psychiatric unit. The room was large, the walls covered in a pale blue and silver striped wallpaper and the floor not the white and teal linoleum, but gray carpet. Her desk sat somewhat in the - 12 -

Contents middle of the room, a chair sitting in front of it. Bookshelves filled with books lined the walls, and pictures hung on the walls. I stood in the doorway for a few seconds, just looking around. Admiring the change in scenery? Doctor Bailey asked. I looked up and saw her looking at me. Uh, yeah, She nodded, glancing around the room herself. I wanted it to feel that way. Make my patients a little more comfortable. Oh! she said. I havent properly introduced myself. Im Doctor Laura Bailey, and Ill be your shook it I sat down in the chair in front of her desk. therapist for your duration in the psychiatric unit. She held out her hand for me to shake, and after I Doctor Bailey was a pretty woman with tan skin, dark brown hair, and soft eyes that were open and kind. She wore a black blazer over a royal blue blouse, and black pants and heels. How has your arrival been, Blaine? she asked. I said. Everything out there is sterile-looking. It feels much more home-y in here.

Good, I guess. Nancy and Doctor Green seem nice, but I havent met anyone else. and it also lists some instructions. Follow it, stick to it. I opened it and read down the list.

Youll have that opportunity tomorrow. She handed me a folded piece of paper. This is your schedule,

Therapy sessions with Doctor Bailey: M-W-F (12:00PM-1:00PM) Group Therapy: T-TH-S (2:00PM-3:00PM) Meals will be served in the cafeteria daily. And tomorrow we give out new roommate assignments. Its customary when a new person arrives in the questions?

unit. Youll be getting a roommate, Doctor Bailey said as I finished eyeing my schedule. Do you have any I shook my head. I stood up and approached the door, and as I was opening it, I heard Doctor Bailey say, Youll be just fine here, Blaine. Were here to help you. - 13 -

Contents I thanked her again and headed down the hallway to my room, wanting to unpack and then fall into bed and sleep for the rest of my stay in this place. I knew I couldnt really do that, so instead I unpacked, took a shower, and plopped down into the bed I chose when Nancy first showed me the room. It is now 9:30, and I can barely keep my eyes open, so I think this is a safe place to stop writing about what worst, considering my situation. But well just have to see.

could be either the worst or best day of my life, depending on what happens in the future. Probably the

- 14 -

Contents

Chapter Two
November 27, 2010 I made the acquaintance of the other kids in the unit today. One of them was the person that is now my boy in the unit. roommate. He originally was rooming alone, as the rooms werent co-ed and he was (at the time) the only

I expected to meet him during group therapy on Saturday or at breakfast or lunch or something other than how we first had our first meeting. See, apparently I slept through breakfast, because when I woke up I was being beat with a pillow and the sun was filtering in through the blinds and attempting to blind me and wake me. I immediately pulled the yelling at me, but their voice was muffled through the fabric and down of my pillow. AND FACE THE WORLD! the voice yelled. Five more minutes, I grumbled sleepily. covers over my head and buried my face even deeper into my pillow, trying to drown out the sunlight. I didnt register the fact that I was getting beaten with a pillow until a few seconds later. Someone was NEW ARRIVAL! YOUVE BEEN ASLEEP FOR DAYS! IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO PULL YOUR ASS OUT OF BED

NOPE! the voice said, pulling my comforter off of me. The cocoon of warmth I had been wrapped in was gone, and now I was exposed to the slight coldness of the air inside the room. Come on! the person said, of bed. And you have to help me move my stuff in here. ceasing beating me with a pillow. Their voice was high-pitched, but not feminine. Its a nice day! Get out

opened them again, I saw my new roommate standing in front of me, still in his pajamas and still holding the pillow by the corner. I swear to God, I felt my heart stop dead in my chest.

I picked my head up from inside of my pillow, squinting in the sunlight and rubbing my eyes. When I

free and very pale, his hair was copper-colored and a little mussedmaybe because he had just gotten out - 15 -

My new roommate was literally the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on. His skin was blemish-

Contents of bed?and his eyes were a brilliant shade of light blue that sparkled every time he blinked. He was very, VERY skinny, however; I could see the bones of his arms and his cheekbones were more prominent than they probably would be had he not been so skinny.

Close your mouth, youll catch flies, he said, throwing his pillow to the bed closest to the door (which finally came back to my senses and shook it, feeling how soft it was compared to mine.

was wide open). He turned back to me and held out his hand for me to shake. I, being myself (hopelessly

shy and very antisocial), stared at it like it was a foreign object from a planet that I had never heard of. I Kurt Hummel, the boy said, smiling. I used to room across the hall, next to Brittany and Santanas room. you up, so I decided to wait until morning.

But Doctor Bailey reassigned me to this room last night. She stopped in before I went to bed and gave me the note, and told me to come introduce myself, but you were already asleep, and I didnt want to wake Blaine Anderson, I said after clearing my throat. And you did wake me up. miss out.

The boyKurt Hummelchuckled. Everyone else is waiting to get breakfast, and I didnt want you to I realized I was still holding his hand. As I dropped my hand to my side, I felt myself flushing. I really didnt

like meeting people. Especially people who were so beautiful you could barely stop staring at them. It made you feel guilty for staring at them for so long, like you were committing some sort of crime because you couldnt control your eyes from wandering. And you really havent been sleeping for days. I just wanted to see if that would wake you up. We were all just about to go down to breakfast, Kurt said, his voice breaking through my thoughts. I nodded and asked, Do I have to change?

Kurt stepped back and looked me up and down for a few seconds, and I felt a little exposed for some reason. Maybe it was the short sleeves, because I never wear them anymore unless it was to bed, and being in front of someone while wearing short sleeves made me feel like I was wearing nothing. He wouldnt have noticed the action. I swallowed and drug my eyes to the floor, not wanting to see his mouth - 16 glanced at my arms and I saw his eyes widen a bit, for only a fraction of a second. If I had blinked, I

Contents drop open the smallest bit at what he saw. I began to walk forward to the bathroom so I could avoid the questions that were sure to come, but Kurt stopped me. Youre dressed well enough to go down to the cafeteria for breakfast, he said. Kurt was taller than me, and something else I couldnt place in his eyes. wall. 10:10.

but only by an inch or two. My eyes met his for a moment before he let me go. I saw concern, sympathy, Kurt walked me down to the cafeteria for breakfast. When we got down there, I looked at the clock on the Isnt this a little late for breakfast? I asked, yawning as we grabbed our trays.

People eat breakfast for dinner all the time, Kurt said, spooning a tiny bit of scrambled eggs on his tray and grabbing a bottle of water. Why cant people eat breakfast a little later in the morning or in the afternoon without it being questioned? walked into this hopeless place. basis.

I decided then that I liked Kurt, because he was the first person to get a genuine smile out of me since I I should really stop thinking of it that way. It will only make me feel worse than I already do on a daily After getting pancakes, bacon, and a bottle of orange juice, I followed Kurt to a table in the middle of the

cafeteria where a group of girls was already sitting. One was very pretty and was sporting a bad case of shoulders and hung a bit in her face. They were all still in their pajamas. pancake to place in her mouth.

bed head, her short blonde hair sticking out everywhere. Another was a skinny Latina with dark hair. She

was laughing and talking with the girl sitting next to her, a girl with long blonde hair that flowed down her Jesus, Kurt, took you two long enough, said the Latina, taking her fork and cutting a piece off of her As Kurt sat down I stayed standing and stared at everyone, not knowing if I was allowed to sit down or if they were going to tell me to go sit somewhere else or next to him. Youre allowed to sit here, Blaine, dont be shy, Kurt said, glancing up at me and pulling out the chair - 17 -

Contents I accepted his offer and sat down and focused on eating my breakfast, because I hadnt eaten since early the day before and I was starving. Kurt, on the other hand, had other ideas. just got here yesterday.

Quinn, Santana, Brittany, he started, opening his water. This is Blaine Anderson, my new roommate. He So thats what the new room assignment was about, Quinn said.

beginning to wake up. But they werent staring at my face. They were staring at the insides of my arms, at the still-red and raised cuts and the dark and long-healed scars that littered them. I saw Quinn swallow.

Kurt nodded. I looked up and allowed my eyes to travel over their still-sleepy faces that were just

scratch you a lot?

Whats wrong with your arms? the girl named Brittany asked. Did you have a cat back home? Did he

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. Quinn quickly changed the subject and gave me a sympathetic smile. I didnt really take in much of what they were saying, as my thoughts had traveled elsewhere as I direction, where he still hadnt eaten any of his eggs off of his plate, only pushed them around. hadnt touched any of his food.

unconsciously ate my breakfast, of which I wasnt that hungry for anymore. I glanced over in Kurts When I finished eating, Kurt excused the two of us from the table and we went back up to our room. He As we walked, he said, Sorry about Brittany. I shrugged. Its fine.

Sometimes she doesnt know any better.

so everyone could see all of the shit Ive done to myself.

I understand. And I did. I shouldnt have been stupid enough to wear a short-sleeved shirt to breakfast - 18 -

Contents Youll find out a little more about us during group therapy later today. Its standard that we formally introduce ourselves when someone new enters the unit. Kurt shrugged. I nodded.

But for now, Kurt said, taking my hand and steering me into what used to be his room. Youre gonna help me move all of my things into your room, and then it can officially become OUR room. I couldnt get over how soft and warm his hand felt, and how perfectly it felt grasping mine, and how soon

it left. His room looked just the same as mine did, only the comforter was navy instead of white, and his books on the bookshelf. It didnt smell like disinfectant in there. I walked over to the pictures and recognized the girls I had just become acquainted with downstairs, and people Im sure were family Kurt clothes. had back home. He began opening the overstuffed drawers of his dresser and pulling out folded piles of Were going to be spending a little more time than you probably anticipated transferring my things over, Kurt told me. He gave me a apologetic look. Sorry. No, no, its fine, I replied. room looked lived-in. There were pictures on the side table, and more accompanied the small amount of

So we spent those next the next few hours moving Kurts things to my room. The bookshelf in my room, which was now decorated with a vase of orchids, a few books, and the pictures that were in Kurts room, We had to be at group therapy in a half hour. suddenly didnt look as empty and gloomy as it had before. When we finally checked the time, it was 1:30. Kurt rifled through the drawers we had just filled with his clothes and pulled out a pair of dark skinny jeans and a gray button-down. He stripped off his white shirt and I felt my eyes widen and a blush I pulled out a blue long-sleeved shirt and jeans. creeping up my neck to my cheeks and ears, so I turned away and went to my own dresser drawers, where I was going to tell him that he was awfully skinny, that he had almost no fat (if any at all) on him. But I that it could be something that hes insecure about and wants to change. - 19 -

didnt, because that might be why hes here in the first place and it would be rude to say that, considering I think too much.

Contents I dressed in the bathroom, not wanting to expose my own marred body, too embarrassed at my lack of confidence compared to Kurts apparent abundance of it. We went to group therapy, which was in the little waiting area that I saw when I first entered the unit the day before. I glanced over to Nancys desk and found that she was not there. doesnt feel like she should be intruding on them. She makes sure she has a lunch break during the sessions, Kurt explained, reading my thoughts. She Santana, Quinn, and Brittany were already seated. Santana was laughing at something Brittany had said, and Quinn was watching for us. When we appeared, she smiled and gestured to the empty chairs next to her. We sat in themme next to Quinn and Kurt next to mejust as Doctor Bailey arrived. know, we have a new person in the unit, and you know what protocol calls for. Introductions, everyone said at the same time, their voices almost monotone. looking at me. Hello, everyone! she said as she sat down in between Quinn and Brittany. As you probably already

Blaine, why dont you tell everyone who you are, then theyll tell you who they are? Doctor Bailey said, I glanced around nervously. Uh

What about the other way around? Kurt suggested. Hes nervous and shy and I think itd be better if we introduced ourselves first. It might make him more comfortable. Doctor Bailey nodded. Alright. Kurt, why dont you go first, since you suggested it?

My name is Kurt Hummel. I am seventeen years old. This is my fifth month in the psych unit, and I am shaky on the last word.

being given treatment for my anorexia. His last words left his mouth in a hurry, his voice going a little Quinn? Doctor Bailey asked.

- 20 -

Contents And so everyone introduced themselves. It all felt painfully rehearsed, like theyd done this ten times.

They probably had, depending on how many people have come and gone from the psych unit since they arrived. Everyone was seventeen. Quinn had been in the psych unit the longest: eight months. She was getting treated for post-partum depression. Santana had been here for four months, getting treated for bulimia. Brittany had been here for only three and a half months, but she didnt state her disease. She simply said, I have a lot of imaginary friends and I talk to them a lot, and my parents thought that was scary so they took me to a bunch of doctors and I ended up here. And she shrugged. I assumed that she had schizophrenia, because thats what it sounded like. But it wasnt my place to judge or assume, so I could be wrong. Then it was my turn.

My name is Blaine Anderson. I am sixteen years old. This is my second day in the pscyh unit, and, I took a deep breath. Im going to be treated for some anxiety or depression or something, I dont really know yet, and hopefully will be given a way to make my self-harm stop. Everyone was quiet and they looked at me with sad eyes that wouldnt meet my own. I brought my eyes to the floor. Quinns hand suddenly grasped mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I did it, so Im pretty sure I kind of just gave her a sort of grimace by mistake. I looked up and saw her smiling at me. I blinked and tried to smile back, but my face didnt feel right when After group therapy, we ate lunch in the cafeteria. Kurt once again barely put anything on his plate and grabbed a bottle of water. At least now I understood why. I felt like I should tell him that he needed to eat, I wanted to help him, even though I barely knew him. but he probably heard that twelve times a day and I didnt want to be the thirteenth person to tell him. But So, Santana said when we sat down. Did Doctor Green give you your meds yet? Santana! Quinn and Kurt said at the same time. What? It was just a question.

No, he hasnt, I answered. Not that I know of, anyway. How do you know Im getting meds? - 21 -

Contents Protocol. Everyone gets them in some shape or form. Well, I havent gotten any yet. Is that bad?

You might not get them for another day or two.

And then the conversation strayed over to other things. Have a girlfriend back home? Quinn asked. my door doesnt swing in that direction.

I got a flashback of dinners with my family for a brief moment, but quickly shook it away. No, I said. Uh, Please don't be homophobes, please don't be homophobes, I prayed. Boyfriend, then? she asked, eating a forkful of her salad.

That and the fact that everyone hated my guts made it pretty hard to find a relationship, even if it was just friendship. Been there, Kurt sighed, twisting the cap off of his water bottle and taking a swig. Youre gay? I asked.

I shook my head. I was the only out-of-the-closet kid in my school, so there wasnt much to choose from.

You must have really bad gaydar if you didnt notice sooner, Kurt chuckled.

When lunch was over, we walked around the hospital for a while, finally going back to our rooms at five, then to dinner at six. When we got back from dinner, there was a note on my door. Santana was right. I got the prescription for my meds, and I was to pick them up ASAP. I went to Doctor Greens office and knocked on the door, and he told me to come in. He told me to sit down, and then he launched into my diagnosis. Just what I thought: severe depression. - 22 -

Well, I thought. At least now I won't have to worry about falling for another straight guy.

Contents It can be treated and controlled with therapy and medication, he told me. He told me that after breakfast each morning, I was to go to the room I had reported to for my physical to be given my dosage. Why cant you just give me the pills and I can take them myself? I asked.

Because we need to make sure that youre taking them. We used to do that a long time ago, just giving the patients their medication and telling them to take it each day after breakfast, but theyd skip out on it and know our patients were getting the proper care they needed in getting better. end up not getting any better. Sometimes theyd accidentallyor maybe on purposeoverdose and need to be sent to the ER for a few days, then placed on suicide watch. We changed the rules so that we would A shiver ran through me at Doctor Greens words. Suicide watch. How did that even work? Did they have you didnt try to remove your IV and strangle yourself with the tube?

nurses and doctors stand around you while you were in your hospital bed and watch you and make sure I didnt ask. Instead, I waited until Doctor Green excused me from his office, then went back to my room. This is going to be a long stay.

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Contents

Chapter Three
December 3, 2010 Doctor Green wasnt kidding around when he said there were side effects to my pills. effects. This is normal, he stressed. This is normal? I'm normal?

Before they begin to work, your symptoms may be worsened and you may experience some of the side

I highly doubted that.

I did experience several side effects, some of which were normal for me, as they were also symptoms of depression. Only they were a bit intensified. Insomnia, especially. The first night in the psych unit was the on my medication and then all of my hopes of getting a few full nights of sleep went down the damn toilet. of my pillow to get it to feel more comfortable. first full night of sleep Id gotten in what seemed like forever, and it was so refreshing, but then I started No matter how hard I tried, I couldnt get to sleep, constantly tossing and turning and beating the shit out Kurt inevitably heard this, and after I woke him up, he tried to help me get to sleep. He would talk to me, his voice soothing to me, helping to lull me to sleep. It was nice. I was restless, I was dizzy, I was nauseous, and I was almost sure that this WASN'T NORMAL.

I talked to Doctor Bailey about it, and she assured me that yes, this kind of thing was indeed normal for someone my age and with my stage of depression taking my kind of medication. She said that it would wear off once I became used to the medication. Hopefully.

Speaking of Doctor Bailey, I found therapy to be only a bit helpful, but maybe thats just because Im not a do not enjoy talking about my feelings. very talkative person in the first place. Like Ive stated before, Im horribly shy and very closed-off, and I

I was quickly proven wrong about what therapy was. Spoiler alert: it is most definitely not talking about your feelings whilst laying on a couch staring at the ceiling (well, Doctor Bailey did have a couch in her - 24 -

Contents office, which she told me I could sit or lay down on if I did wish to. However, I so far have not chosen to do Mostly, Doctor Bailey asks me about what the past few days were like, how Im adjusting to the unit, my write down in here are the same things that I tell her. that. Also: you do at times talk about your feelings. But it doesnt happen very often).

past, stuff like that. When I write in this, I often feel like Im repeating myself, because the things I usually But Im going to write things down in here anyway because that has become a thing, and I really need to need to cut myself (of which is getting more and more evident each day). get my mind off of my worsening depression due to getting used to my pills and also the ever-present

I found my life had taken yet another turn to go into yet another cycle. However, this one wasnt as bad as my previous one used to be, and had a bit more variety. It goes like this: Wake up. Go to breakfast with Kurt. Eat. Attempt to boost social skills (Update: said skills are growing at a

snails pace. But theyre growing, so thats a start) by jumping in on conversation. Go back upstairs. Get dressed. And by this point, there are different adventures each day, so there really isnt a rut that Im trudging through. We eat lunch at around one each day, then we each go to therapy at our respective recently, Kurt has allowed me to read a book that was sitting on the bookshelf, so I spend most of my nights doing that until I fall asleep. As Ive already said, sometimes I have difficulty sleeping, so Kurt talks to me until I fall asleep. Then repeat. Never a dull moment in the psych unit! times (group therapy or one-on-one, depending on what day it is). More adventures. Dinner. Shower. And

Seriously, I was making friends here. FRIENDS! This is something Im a little rusty at, as I hadnt had any type of what a normal person would call a social interaction in about a year. So, this is a big deal for me. works. Lets hope I dont screw it up somehow. I dont doubt that I will, because thats almost always how it I have a voice that often tells me that no, I wont screw things up, because I have what I didnt have at every day. In just a week, Kurt became a friend, and a good one at that. It was nice, having a friend again. I missed it. - 25 -

home: people who are willing to listen. Doctor Bailey talked to me almost every day, and Kurt talked to me

Contents

Chapter Four
December 6, 2010 Sundays were off days, which meant that no one had to go to therapy, group or one-on-one. It was a day

where we could prance around in our pajamas all day long if we wanted, stay up until the late hours of the night/wee hours of the morning and then sleep in until noon the next day without having to worry about missing your therapy session. Brittany and Santana usually invite everyone over for sleepovers on Saturday nights, Kurt told me. But wont we get in trouble? I asked.

Nah, Kurt replied. Weve been doing it for months now and we still havent gotten yelled at. As long as we dont make too much noise, no one will care. He talked about it as though hed done things like this a thousand times. Well, he had been here longer the morning. Maybe they didnt. I didnt ask.

than I have, so he very well could have. Maybe when it was just him and Quinn, theyd hang out in her room and read books and listen to music and talk about everything, eventually falling asleep at three in At lunch on Saturday, Santana told us that she and Brittany would be holding a sleepover in their room family now.

that night. Dont look at me like that, Curly Sue, she said to me. You can come, too. Youre part of the I swallowed and said thank you, brushing off the nickname she gave me, grateful that it wasnt harsh like brings back memories Id rather not relive. Id already done that when Doctor Bailey asked me about listening to what Brittany was saying. school a few days ago. I dont want to do it again. Santana smiled at me and went back to eating her food, Well go to the kitchen and get drinks and food and

all of the others I had been given in the past. I wouldnt like to repeat what they were, because that only

Wait, are you implying that were going to steal the food? I asked. - 26 -

Contents What? No, thats mean, Brittany said. The ladies down there are really nice. Id never steal from them. Then how are we getting the food? I asked.

All we do is go down to the kitchen, and the ladies down there already know who we are and why were explained. Theyre quite nice about the whole thing.

there getting a bunch of junk food on Saturday nights, as its happened on too many occasions, Quinn When we were finished with lunch and went up to group therapy, I was in good spirits. My arms were

itching like crazy, the cuts on them healing. The side effects of my medication were beginning to wear off, had felt it too many times before this. The need to cut was still great, however, burning through me at all hours of the day. My nails werent long enough to dig into the skin, so that didnt do much for me. And Doctor Bailey or Kurt would find out anyway. Even if I did it somewhere discreet, they would probably find out somehow. better.

as my body was getting used to the medication being in my system. The itching sensation was familiar, as I

So I stuck with the promise I had made to myself: to actually quit harming myself just to make myself feel So far, I was doing well, according to Doctor Bailey. I trusted her judgment better than mine, because I quite often lied to myself, and I kind of stopped trusting myself. After group therapy, Kurt and I went back to our room. Dumb question, I said to him. Shoot, he said back.

What do I bring to this sleepover? The rooms right across the hall, so if I forget anything, I could always just come back over and get it. Um, usually Im in my pajamas when I go over there, so you dont have to worry about those. You can bring your book if you want, but I doubt youd get any reading done. So, just bring my pillow and toothbrush, then?

- 27 -

Contents And your comforter.

I nodded. What do you usually do over there?

Its usually different every week. We didnt have a sleepover last week because you were new and barely

knew us, Kurt explained. and it would be really rude to just do our usual thing. It would be rude because place.

you were new and barely knew our names, and if we didnt invite you, that would have been even worse

considering you probably would have felt even more alone/more like shit than when you entered this I didnt say anything, because I found what he said incredibly thoughtful and nice, especially since at that time he barely knew me just like I barely knew him and Quinn and Santana and Brittany. At eight, Kurt and I put on our pajamas and we gathered up our pillows and comforters and Kurt put his iPod in his pillowcase so he wouldnt forget it, and we went over to Santana and Brittanys room. The door was decorated with very detailed drawings (in crayon). They were all of different things; animals, Santana and Brittany, rooms, landscapes, people, you name it. In the middle of the collage was a sign with drawings. Brittany and Santanas names on it, written in curly font that looked similar to the curly style used on the Who drew those? I asked. Theyre very nice.

Brittany. I swear, its all she ever does, Kurt answered.

Thats not a bad thing, I said. She could make a living drawing art when she gets out of here. I swear I heard Kurt mumble, If she ever gets out of here. What? I asked. What?

Kurt knocked on the door as if nothing had happened. In two seconds (maybe less), Brittany opened the door, a smile plastered to her face. Hi, Kurt! Hi, Curly!

- 28 -

Contents Hi, Brittany, Kurt said, walking in. He dropped his pillow and comforter to the floor and then plopped do.

down on one of the beds, lying down and looking at his iPod. I stood stupidly outside, not knowing what to You can come in, too, Curly. Dont be shy, Brittany told me. So I did as she said and walked into the room,

dropping my things next to Kurts. Her and Santanas room was similar to mine and Kurts; two twin beds, bright turquoise and bright red comforters (I later learned that the bed with the turquoise comforter belonged to Brittany, and the one with the red comforter belonged to Santana), the bookshelf had an were several pairs of shoes sitting on top of and next to the dresser. Where are Santana and Quinn? Kurt asked. extraordinary lack of books on it, but instead an abundance of stuffed animals and picture frames. There

two dressers, a bookshelf, side tables. But their room was covered with drawings, their beds covered with

Santanas in the bathroom, and Quinn hasnt gotten here yet, Brittany answered. She was wearing a pink were covered with pink kitty slippers. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. Doctor Bailey, because she noticed everything) didnt. T-shirt and matching pajama pants with cats printed on them, her blonde hair in low pigtails. Her feet

You look happier today, Curly, Brittany told me. She noticed things about me that most people (except I feel happier today, I replied. And I wasnt lying this time: I really did feel better, even if it was just a little bit. The burning need of wanting to cut wasnt as obvious as it usually was that day, and I was with my friends (which I still couldnt believe that I had made). Quinn came in a few seconds after that, toting a pillow and a book. Her pajamas were mismatchedpale pink and white plaid pajama pants and a baby blue shirtand she wore bunny slippers. She walked over Quinn, she told me it was her favorite book and that shed let me borrow it sometime. Lets go get the food, she said. to the bed I was sitting on and Kurt was lying on and set down her pillow, hitting Kurt in the chest with her book. Its title was The Perks of Being A Wallflower. Id heard of it, but never read it. When I later asked Santana came in from the bathroom, her dark hair in a messy ponytail. About time you all showed up.

- 29 -

Contents No one argued. They probably didnt want to even if they felt a reason to. I know I didntSantana doesnt seem like the type of person you wanna mess with. So we all went in the elevator and went to the second talking, plates hitting plates, silverware clanking together. Whiskers is back there. floor to the cafeteria, where dinner had long since passed and it was completely empty, except for the janitor that was wiping one of the tables. We walked up to the counter and heard the ladies in the kitchen

Santana, I heard Brittany whisper. She leaned over so she was whispering in Santanas ear. Mr. I looked at Kurt, who was smiling. Quinn was smiling, too. I furrowed my eyebrows and tapped Kurt on the shoulder. Whos Mr. Whiskers? I mouthed. Ill tell you later, Kurt mouthed back.

Hello!! Santana yelled over the counter. A lady came around the corner, wearing a white, button-down dress with an apron over it. Her hair was in a ponytail. Hello, Santana, she said, smiling. Do you guys want your usual? Yes, maam, Brittany said.

The woman smiled and said, Okay. Itll be a few minutes, though. Do you wanna sit here and wait or do you want someone to bring it up to you? Well wait here, Quinn said.

Whats the usual? I asked as we turned to go sit down.

Alright. Itll be about twenty minutes or so. The woman turned around walked back into the kitchen.

Oh, youll find out. All you need to know is that its fucking fantastic, Santana said, putting her feet on the table and leaning back in her chair. She wore plain black slippers with her royal blue pajamas. I sat down across from her. We (and by we, I mean everyone else but me) made small talk until the lady with a would taste: fucking fantastic. ponytail who worked in the kitchen yelled that our food was ready. It smelled just like Santana had said it - 30 -

Contents The lady smiled at us as she left two huge, hot plates of nachos on the counter. Close your mouth, Curly,

youre starting to drool, Santana said as she picked up one of the plates. Brittany picked up the other. I closed my mouth. Kurt, Quinn, and Curly, you get the drinks you want out of the cooler. Santana tilted one with soda. her head toward the wall next to the counter, where there were two coolers, one with water and juice, and How many? I asked. And what of?

Root beer for Brittany, Diet Coke for me. Grab two.

I nodded and opened the soda cooler, taking out two Diet Cokes and two orange sodas like Santana told me to. Kurt was next to me, taking out two bottles of water. What do you want? he asked me as I stepped aside to let him look into the soda cooler. Uh, anythings fine. He grabbed me two Dr. Peppers and held them in his arms. Quinn grabbed her soda and we went back to the elevator, food and drink in hand. We went back to Santana and Brittanys room, and by that time, it was already about nine something. My curfew. Doctor Bailey never said anything to us if we didnt follow them, so we decided we didnt have to if it didnt come to therapy sessions. schedule said that this was when lights-out was, but no on followed the schedule when it came to meals or

Kurt plugged his iPod into Santanas docking station and turned it to shuffle, adjusting the volume so it could.

wasnt too loud. Doctor Bailey stopped by to bid us a good night and a reminder to keep it as quiet as we Meanwhile, I practically had an orgasm over the nachos. music to my ears.

Holy shit, I groaned when I took my first bite. Everyone smiled and Kurt chuckled. His laugh was like Thank the Lord Mary is such a good cook, Quinn said. Or else my time here wouldnt have been as good and as fulfilling as it has been. Which made us talk about our lives before the Hospital and the psych unit. It was a bit like a therapy - 31 -

session, but we didnt speak of bad things. We spoke only of funny or happy occurrences in our past. Kurt

Contents talked about the glee club he used to be a part of and the best friend he had back home, who was eagerly awaiting his release. Her name is Rachel, he told us. She has the voice of an angel and a nose that is terrifyingly similar to during their duet. It lost them their opportunity to win, and earned them millions of views on YouTube.

that of Barbra Streisands. He told us stories of how their glee club went to New York the year before for

Nationals, but they sadly lost because his stepbrother, Finn, thought that it would be perfect to kiss Rachel Brittany talked of people with strange names and of places that sounded like they were plucked from a fantasy world, and now that I think about it, they probably were. I dont even remember what Santana said, because I started to zone out again. Really bad, tooI started thinking about how I didnt really remember any happy memories from my past, only the bad ones. I started to remember every little bad thing that had happened to me, for absolutely no reason. When they got to me and Quinn, I was too spaced everyone staring at me, and my eyes flicked back and forth nervously. I felt my heart begin to race, and it felt like the room was caving down on me. out to hear them call my name. Kurt shook me and knocked me out of my thoughts. I looked up to find

I have to use the bathroom, I mumbled, getting up off of the floor and stumbling to the bathroom. My wall, and fell to the floor, my head making its way between my knees as I started to hyperventilate. sucks. Really bad.

stomach was churning, and as I shut the door behind me, the room began to spin. I collapsed against the I just want to make it known that this is something that has happened before; more than once, actually. It I heard the door open. I was still trying to breathe normally. My chest hurt. Blaine? I heard a voice say. Kurt.

Leave me alone, I said, my head still between my knees. I heard the door close with a very soft click. Kurt made his way toward me, sitting down on the floor next to me. Blaine, Quinn said you might be having a panic attack. me. I cant have her tell me that.

Dont call Doctor Bailey, I told him. I dont want her to tell me that theres something else wrong with - 32 -

Contents Shes only trying to help you get better, Kurt said, resting a hand on my trembling back. Im fine! I said, raising my voice. It sounded a little hysterical.

Here, Kurt said, putting his hands on my shoulders and forcing my back against the wall. I could do nothing but stare forward and focus on counting the tiles on the wall, because if I tried to think about anything else, I would break down again. It had happened too many times before. Kurt put a paper bag in my hands and I broke my eyes away from the tiles to look down at it. Put it to your mouth and breathe into it. It helps. Who says?

Quinn. She has panic attacks all the time.

I did as Kurt told me to, putting the bag to my mouth, breathing in and out, in and out, the hyperventilating slowly easing to a stop, and I began to breathe normally again. I was still shaking. I dropped the paper bag was still sitting with me, his composure completely calm. I could see worry in his eyes, though. Are you okay now? Kurt asked, his voice soft. to the floor and put my elbow on my knee and placed my forehead into my palm. I looked over and Kurt

I nodded. Yeah. I swallowed. Im fine. Thank you. up, and I took it.

He gave me a smile that didnt reach his eyes and got up off of the floor. He held his hand out to help me When we went back into the room, everyones whispers stopped. It reminded me vividly of the life I was living a little more than two weeks ago. I tried not to think about it. Did the bag help? Quinn asked.

Yes, it did. Thanks, I replied. I sat back down on the floor and picked up my book. I absentmindedly picked at the nachos that sat next to where mine and Kurts things were, nibbling on them and taking sips of my Dr. Pepper as I read. Everyone began to talk again, but I didnt listen to what they said. - 33 -

Contents I read for hours, not listening to anyone or making any effort to join in on their conversations. The nacho plates and bottles of soda were empty. Kurt got up to turn off his iPod. Santana turned out one of the lamps on her side table. I looked at the clock that sat by her bed. 11:55.

I thought you said we stayed up until 3AM? I said, closing my book and blinking to try and get the fogginess to fade from my eyes. Biological clocks really suck, Santana said, climbing into bed.

So we went to bed. Brittany and Santana put sheets on the floor where Kurt and I were going to sleep so we wouldnt have to feel the cold linoleum the entire night. Quinn slept in Brittanys bed, and Santana and each other. Close together. Brittany slept in Santanas bed. Kurt and I slept in the gap between those two beds on the floor. Next to I trid to not think about that, either.

I curled up inside of my comforter and beat my pillow to try and make it comfortable. I hope you dont surprised if you find yourself either back in your own bed or out in the hallway tomorrow morning.

snore, Curly, Santana said from above Kurt. We both looked up at her. Because if you do, dont be Or in the middle of the night, Kurt said as he settled his head on his pillow and closed his eyes. And he would all of you.

doesnt snore. I have to share a room with him, and if he snored, trust me, hed know by now. And so I smiled and closed my eyes, and I drifted off to sleep quickly.

When I awoke the next morning, the sun was beginning to filter into the room through the blinds. Everyone else was still asleep. Very soft snores sounded from next to me, and when I opened my eyes a in his sleep. His eyelashes were fanned out against his prominent cheekbones, dark against his pale skin. he wouldnt suspect that I had been looking at him while he slept. I eventually fell back to sleep. - 34 little wider, I saw Kurt, asleep. His hair, which was usually obsessively styled, was disheveled from shifting He breathed in sharply and I closed my eyes again and pretended like I was asleep, so that if he woke up,

Contents When I woke up again, the sun had brightened up the room by a significant amount. Kurt wasnt next to bed. "Hi," she said. I screamed and jumped up, the comforter falling from my body and to the floor. Brittany, what are you doing? I asked. person.

me anymore. His blankets were still there, rumpled and piled into a heap. Santana and Brittany werent in

Santanas bed. I rolled onto my back and found Brittany staring intently at me, lying on her stomach on her

I was watching you sleep. You remind me of a puppy, she said. You sleep with your pillow like its a What? I asked her.

She got off the bed and crawled to where I had been lying not two minutes before that. She held my pillow in her arms as though she were embracing someone and placed her head in the center of it. You sleep like this; like youre holding someone. I didnt say anything.

Brittany got up and walked past me, walking to the door and opening it. She glanced toward me and asked, Dont you want to come to breakfast? that would take us to the second floor. going up or down. Sure, I said. We walked to the elevators together. She pressed a few buttons before hitting the button I like riding in the elevator, she said. I like the way it makes your heart swoop when you stop or start So you like it when it moves? I asked. Yep!

I smiled.

You love Kurt, Brittany stated when we came to a stop. The doors opened, then closed. What? I asked. - 35 -

Contents You love Kurt, Brittany said again. to travel up again.

What makes you say that? The elevator came to another stop. The doors opened. They closed. We began I saw you looking at him this morning. Your eyes give you away. myself. "And why were you watching me?

That was early this morning when the light wasnt good and I was half-asleep," I said, trying to defend I told you, Brittany said as we came to another stop. There was one more stop until we reached the Well, I dont know what you saw, but I dont love Kurt, I said. I had a crush on Kurt. There's a big So we went to breakfast and ate. Kurt actually ate a bite of food this time. But only a small bite. I worried about him, too. difference between being in love with someone and having a crush on them. Big difference. cafeteria floor. You remind me of a puppy when you sleep. It was cute.

about him, but I didnt say that. Not in front of everyone, though Im almost sure that theyre worried Lunch came by. Then dinner. The only bite Kurt had was at breakfast. I didn't say anything to him about it. So today at therapy, I talked to Doctor Bailey about Kurt. Im worried about him, I said. Why? she asked.

I wasnt sure if I should be telling her these things, but I did anyway because if I didnt, Kurt could have something really bad happen to him in the future. Hes not eating. The only bite of food he had to eat yesterday was at breakfast, and before that, he wouldnt eat anything at all. Doctor Bailey sat up in her seat, worry written all over her face. How long has this been going on?

- 36 -

Contents Since I got here. I didnt look at her. I couldnt. So I looked at my lap instead. I care about him a lot. I like he's doing that."

know that he's in here to get treated for his...anorexia, and I want him to get better. But it doesn't seem Has he said anything about it to you? About what?

Not eating. Has he ever said negative things about himself, about not wanting to eat, anything like that? Um, not that I know of. Not a lie.

When I meet with him later today, Ill talk to him about it, Doctor Bailey said, glancing at the clock. It was thing for him."

12:55. Almost time for my session to end. "Thank you for notifying me of this, Blaine. You've done a good Is there anything else you want to talk about? Doctor Bailey asked. It was the same question at the end of every session. "Will Kurt find out that I'm the one who told you what I did?" I asked as I stood up. "No."

I released a breath I didn't know I had been holding. "Thank you."

No problem, Doctor Bailey said as I walked out the door. Quinns session was after mine. She was still in her room, lying on her bed reading Perks again (for the twelfth time, she would later tell me). them there as I faceplanted onto my own bed. I walked into my room and saw Kurt lying on his bed, his eyes closed. I put my eyes to the floor and kept Whats wrong with you? Kurt asked. Rough session?

You have NO idea, I mumbled into the pillow. Which Brittany said I cuddled like I was holding someone. Which I kind of did think about before I went to sleep. But I tried to not dwell on that. - 37 -

Contents When Kurt came back from his session two or so hours later, he didnt say anything to me. I don't know if I can't have that happen because he just became my friend and please no I was just trying to protect him.

he spoke to anyone else. He didnt come down to dinner. Oh god he knows I told and he's mad at me and no

I need to stop writing or Im going to have another panic attack or whatever the hell happened to me on Saturday night and I dont think I would be able to go to Quinns room and get a paper bag if that happened, because then Doctor Bailey might see me and then a whole bunch of bad things might happen Okay. Im going to stop now. and

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Contents

Chapter Five
December 8, 2010 Kurt told me everything that Doctor Bailey told him she knew about him not eating. We were lying in our respective beds, talking like we always did before we went to sleep. She said that someone told her that I was starving myself, he told me. Can I say something? I asked. Sure.

From the time I came here to yesterday, you kind of have been starving yourself. The first bite of food I saw you eat was when you had a bite of eggs yesterday morning. The only response Kurt gave was a sigh.

So what do you have to do? I asked. I was trying to break the silence when I probably shouldnt have. But Im good at saying things when Im not supposed to. Like, what is Doctor Bailey making you do? shrugging. Someone has to supervise me at meals and make sure I eat. When I looked over at him, I could see him

For how long?

sure that if I did, everything I was thinking on Monday would become a reality. And I definitely didnt want that.

I swallowed and bit my tongue to keep from saying, Its my fault you have to endure that. Because Im

I have no idea. Probably for a month or two. Doctor Bailey wouldnt tell me when I asked.

This happened the first month I was here, so it isnt really new territory for me. Kinda familiar, actually, Kurt said. He was trying to brush it off, but I could tell that he was depressed about the whole situation. So, basically, I made Kurts current life suck even more than it already did. Great. - 39 -

Contents Do you know who told? I asked. Nope.

Its not your fault, Kurt yawned. He turned over on his side. If you only knew.

Im sorry, I told him. It was the last thing I said to him before falling asleep.

- 40 -

Contents

Chapter Six
December 13, 2010 Have you ever felt like you know a person really well, but then they tell you a bunch of stuff that you never Because thats the situation Im in right now.

would have expected from them, and it made you question everything you thought you knew about them? See, for the past few weeks, I thought Kurt was a positive person who just happened to have an eating disorder and was stuck in the psych unit. Plain and simple. But he was so much more than that.

On Saturday night, there was the annual slumber party in Santana and Brittanys room. Normal.

During said annual slumber party, Kurt asked me if he could speak to me. Alone. Not that abnormal. The girls dismissed it as normal.

Kurt went to our room and grabbed our coats out of one of the dresser drawers. Not normal. Why do we need our coats? I asked while Kurt was pulling his own coat on.

Were doing the unthinkable: venturing into the unknown world that is known as the outdoors to normal people, but for us it is known as The Unknown, he replied. I pulled on my coat. Why are we going outside? Are we allowed? hall. I need to talk to you alone. Outside?

I told you, Kurt sighed, leading me past Doctor Baileys office door and towards a door at the end of the

In the Unkown. Yes. - 41 -

Contents Kurt placed his hands against the door and pushed it open. We stepped inside the small room and Kurt began to walk up the flight of stairs that stood directly in front of us. I glanced to my right; the stairs there because the floor we were on was the final one of the hospital. went down, probably to the floor beneath us. I followed Kurt up the stairs, wondering where they led to, My answer came to me quickly when we climbed another short flight of stairs and came to another door. glittering stars and brightened by the moon.

The window on it gave away that the night outside was clear and beautiful, littered with millions of Kurt pushed open the door, and I felt the cold December air bite at the skin on my face. I put my hands in my coat pockets. Kurt held the door open for me. Such a gentleman, I said.

I walked out outside and found that we were on the roof. Are you sure were allowed up here? I asked. It seemed a little odd that the door allowed patients in the psych unit (and anywhere else in the hospital, really) access to the roof, where they could throw themselves off and plunge to their deaths.

He chuckled, though it didnt sound genuine. I try.

I doubt it. But its always unlocked. Kurt closed the door behind him and walked across the roof, going a long distance before stopping at the edge and looking down. My heart gave a painful lurch in my chest, feeling as though it was dropping down to my feet. He absently kicked a pebble over the edge and watched it fall.

Kurt, what are you doing? I said, my voice raised a little so he would hear me. He didnt answer me. lap, positioning the other next to him, tapping it gently against the concrete, inviting me to sit next to him.

Instead, he simply sat down, right on the edge, his feet dangling over the side. He placed one hand in his Before I could really form a thought about what I was doing, my feet were traveling of their own accord, one in front of the other, going to the edge of the roof where Kurt sat. When I was finally next to him, the hand that had been previously tapping the concrete moved to his lap with his other one. He gazed into the distance, at the lights of the city that wasnt that far away from where we were located now.

- 42 -

Contents I sat down on the edge of the roof, my heart racing as I dangled my feet into the open air. We could fall off adrenaline rush. Maybe he was there just to think. Maybe just to talk without the possible interruption. I know you told Doctor Bailey about me, Kurt said. What? Choice number three it is! Im not mad at you. What?

at any moment if we so much as moved the wrong way. Maybe thats why Kurt was there; for the

Am I stuttering or something? that I was the one who told. little confused.

No, its just that, I paused to take a breath. I thought you would be. And I thought that it wasnt obvious Why would I be mad at you? Kurt asked, looking at me. The stars were reflected in his eyes. He looked a Because its my fault that youre now being watched while you eat to make sure you eat.

Trust me, Im used to it by now. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. His chin was resting on his knees. He scooted back a little from the edge to make sure he didnt fall over it. What do you mean? I asked.

He released a deep sigh, his breath coming out in a cloud around his mouth because of the cold. In the five months Ive been here, Ive relapsed at least once every few weeks I think this is the fourth time. I lost Okay, Im going to make an attempt to get better, to not starve. But I never do anything. I eat for maybe two or three days. Then I quit. Not gradually, either. All at once. - 43 count. Its almost routine at this point. Right after they let me eat without being watched, I think to myself,

And then he spilled his guts. About everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything.

Contents I stayed silent, my eyes focused on his face, which was once again facing the city.

He told me that he had wanted to be a model when he got older, but he wasnt thin enough, and the only eating barely anything in a day.

way to lose weight fast enough was to rearrange his diet to one meal each day, gradually going down to This went on for about a month or two before it became noticeable that I was dropping weight quickly. At this point, the only time I ate was during family dinners on Fridays, and Id always make myself puke after those. He took a shaky breath. But then my dad caught me shoving my toothbrush down my throat and do much except make me feel worse, so I got worse. My dad tried to get me to see a doctor again. I knew he just wanted to help, that he cared a lot, but I just couldnt take it. Kurt was silent for a few minutes before continuing. The pills that I was already on, the ones that didnt pills would make me feel better. He shrugged. My dad found me in my room. He found the pill bottle still for a few days, and then I was sent up here when they saw just how bad I had gotten. wanted to know what was going on. He sent me to a doctor and they gave me medication. It didnt really

work, I wanted them to work. I was 115 pounds, and still dropping, and I wanted to stop but I just couldn't. open on the nightstand. The water I had used to down the pills was knocked over and spilled onto the

So I took half of the bottle. Im still not sure if I was trying to kill myself or just trying to see if taking more floor. He rushed me to the emergency room, they got the medication out of my system, I was put on watch He swallowed and blinked hard before continuing. I was so much worse when I came in. I was put on a different medication at least once or twice a week before they finally found one that actually helped me. It was pure hell. But youre better now, I tried.

Kurt just shook his head. Ill never be better. This isnt something that I can just take a pill for and its

completely cured. Its something I have to deal with every damn day. Looking at food and physically feeling sick because I dont want to eat it, but I have to, because if I dont, Ill end up in a casket, thats something realize he had begun crying. thats never going to go away. He wiped a tear away from his cheek with his hand, sniffing. I didnt even Im so sorry, was all I could say. - 44 -

Contents And I was. I was so very, very sorry, because someone like Kurt shouldnt have to deal with something like this. And I wish I could help him in a better way, but I cant. me up here? I asked. I brought my hand to where his hand rested on his knee and held it between us. Is that why you brought Kurt sniffed again. Youre my best friend. Dont best friends share things? I smiled at him. Yeah. They do. his hand.

We sat on the edge of the roof for a little while longer. We were silent the entire time. I was still holding Kurt? I asked, breaking the silence. Hmm?

Do you ever think about jumping? All the time.

I hesitated before asking my next question. Why dont you?

Because leaving all of this behind would make it all seem like it was worthless. It would make my dads and Doctor Baileys efforts to help me seem like nothing, and I dont want that. I want to get better. Killing myself wont make me better, itll just make me worse. We finally went back downstairs to Brittany and Santanas room when our fingers began to grow numb within minutes.

from the cold. They were all already asleep. Kurt and I lay down in our regular spots next to each other in

between the beds. Kurts back was to me. He fell asleep quickly, his breathing growing slow and even The words he spoke to me on the roof were the last thing I thought of before I finally drifted off.

- 45 -

Contents

Chapter Seven
December 14, 2010 Doctor Bailey posed a few questions during therapy today that got me thinking about a lot of things. Of course the session started off with the usual How are you? and Id say Better than yesterday. before you came here?

And then we talked a little bit more and we got on the question of What did you used to think a lot about My mother. What life would be like if I wasnt around. People. Time, I answered.

What happened to your mother? Youve never mentioned her before, Doctor Bailey said.

I sighed. I hated telling this story. Though it was my own fault that I brought it up. She left when I was nine. I dont know where she went. Shortening it always seemed like the easy way out. But Doctor Bailey wasnt having that. Why did she leave? she asked.

I dont know. She and my dad had been fighting for a few weeks before she finally left. I dont blame her. I then I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, she was gone. No note. She didnt even say goodbye to me. I stared at the clock on Doctor Baileys desk. My session was half over. Have you seen her since? Doctor Bailey asked.

would have left, too. All I remember is waking up in the middle of the night to them screaming again, and I pulled my pillow around my head and drowned them out like I always did. I heard the front door slam and

I shook my head.

Im very sorry about that. I shrugged. Everyone is.

- 46 -

Contents What you said about how you thought about what the world would be like if you werent around, did you mean you thought about suicide at times? Sometimes. But I never attempted it. What people did you think about?

Just people I saw on the street that I would only see once. Id be riding the bus home from school and Id about them in my head. Like the old lady whos having trouble putting her groceries in her car is suffering with a heart condition and doesnt have much time left, and no family to spend it with. And the twentyis on her way to Starbucks to study.

see people walking down the sidewalk or out of stores or getting out of their cars. Id make up stories something girl walking down the street with a satchel hanging off of her shoulder is a college student and And time, what did you mean by that?

I often found myself thinking about time as in the past and the future. Id always wonder as my dad drove down an intersection and then turned a corner before a car came barreling down the road, what might have happened if we had been a few seconds late in the turn. Would we have gotten in a car crash and died? Or gotten seriously hurt? Or when I was walking down the hallway at school and I opened a door to go down the stairs to my history class, and there was a kid on the other side of the door that I didnt see him in the face or something. What if I had been a few seconds later then? I could have hit him in the face with the door, and then he would have yelled at me and insulted me. Stuff like that. your future? What you wanted to do when you got out of school? for. Doctor Bailey chuckled at what I said about hitting the kid in the face with the door. Did you think about I nodded. I had a pretty good idea of what college I wanted to go to, but I still dont know what I would go What do you like to do? when I opened the door, and he was only a few feet away when I opened it, and I narrowly missed hitting

I dont know. All I know is that I dont want to be a businessman like my father. - 47 -

Contents You said you liked to make up stories about people you saw on the street. Maybe you should become a My session was over. I said goodbye to her and left, going back to my room.

writer. Its something to think about. Doctor Bailey gave me a small smile and gestured towards the clock. When I finally went back to my room, the thought of my mother was on my brain. I wondered why she Ill probably never meet. Maybe I could become a writer and write a book about her and what might have happened to her, and it would get published and shed come back and try to find me. the fact that shes never coming back. I accepted it a long time ago. But I doubt that would ever happen. If she really cared, she would have come back by now. Ive accepted

didnt take me with her when she left, and why she left me with my dad. I wondered where she went, and

what she was doing. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe she had another child and I have a sibling that

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Contents

Chapter Eight
December 26, 2010 I had never really paid much attention to how close Christmas was until a few days ago. I woke up on Wednesday to find that Kurt had gone down to breakfast without me, but this was kind of normal their food and watching intently outside. Doctor Green sat at a table at the other end, watching them and Kurt for only a few more days before letting him try to eat on his own. Good morning, I said to him as I walked past. Good morning, he said back. everyone gathered at a different table, one by the large window that gave a view to The Unknown, eating considering I often slept in a little longer than everyone else did. I walked down to the cafeteria and saw eating his own breakfast. I had grown used to his presence at meals, but he would only be there watching

I sat down next to Kurt and saw what they were all looking at. I dont know how I didnt see it before. Snow was falling down in fat flakes, settling down on the blanket of snow that was already on the ground. Wow, I said. First snow of the season is always the best one.

Not really, Brittany said, not looking away. She was grinning widely. It snows all winter, so this cant be the best. What if the first snow only lasts for ten minutes and doesnt stick to the roads or make a blanket on the ground? Theres always room for improvement.

Were going out in it after breakfast, Kurt said, turning to me and sticking his fork in his eggs. He ate them with a slightly disgusted/slightly annoyed look on his face. We got up out of our chairs after breakfast and went back to our rooms to put on some warmer, not pajama clothes and get ready to go outside. I was the last one to leave my room, and I followed everyone The Unknown, to the blanket of snow that was settling outside, growing deeper and deeper. Where are we going? I asked. else to the elevator. Santana pressed the button to take us to the first floor that would allow us entry to We got to the ground floor and instead of going in the direction of the front door, we went the other way. - 49 -

Contents To the playground, silly! Brittany said. Where else would we be going?

This was when I began to feel a little pessimistic at the thought of going out and playing in the snow, because from what I have read, hospital playgrounds are always perceived as depressing. With the etc, hospital playgrounds are described as being utterly depressing in the worst way. skeletal swingsets that never get used, the just-beginning-to-rust monkey bars that never get swung on,

But when we got outside, I discovered that those were kind of correct, but that only lasted for a few gym with monkey bars and slides, a separate slide a little bit away from the jungle gym, and a swingset that had only two swings on it.

minutes. It was a typical playground that you would see at a park or an elementary school. It had a jungle

We all went about brushing the snow off of the monkey bars and the slides and swings before doing anything else. Brittany and Santana ran to the swings and quickly got themselves in the air, and the strings stretched her arms up and jumped in the air to get a hold of the the monkey bars and began to swing. on the earflaps of Brittanys hat flew back with her hair as the air swept it behind her back. Quinn Kurt just collapsed to the ground on his back, his eyes closed. At first, I thought he had passed out or something, but when I bent down to see if he was okay, he pulled on my arm and made me lay down next to him in the snow. He pointed up towards the white-gray clouds above us. Look at the snow, he said. What about it? I asked.

Its like reverse nighttime, Kurt said. The snow falling down looks a little darker against the clouds. It reminds me of stars in the sky at night, because when you look up at them like this, all you see is the sky dark. and the snow falling, and it looks kind of like night with the stars only the sky is bright and the stars are He then proceeded to stick out his tongue and catch a few flakes on it, making me laugh at the face he was making. Brittany and Santana jumped off of the swings and started making snowballs and throwing them at us, escalating a full-on fight with one another and eventually the rest of us. Kurt and I climbed on the that we heard break the silence around us. We were trying not to laugh, puffing our cheeks out and - 50 jungle gym and hid in the little tube-thingy was attached to it, acting as a little bridge to the other side. I could see our breath as we breathed, anticipating the next attack while being paranoid about each sound clenching our teeth and covering our mouths to hold the sound. Occasionally, one of us would emit a snort

Contents or a small chuckle, which turned to a fit of silent giggles. Santana and Brittany and Quinn did eventually

find us, dragging us out of our tube and pelting us with snowballs.

It was really fun. I hadnt played in the snow in ages, not since I was little. It was nice to do it again after cafeteria to drink hot chocolate. drinks. I can tell.

having not done it in so long. When we went inside, we changed into warm pajamas went down to the Mr. Whiskers made this for us, Brittany said when she walked back to the table and gave us all our I later asked Kurt who Mr. Whiskers was, because he had still failed to tell me since the last time I had

asked, and he said that it was a dragon Brittany claimed to see all the time. He lived in the kitchen and in the vents, sometimes coming down to visit her when he felt like it. There was a drawing of him on her and I thought t was cute. I dont know why Im saying all of this. Santanas door, and I inspected it later that night after everyone had gone to sleep. Apparently, Mr. Whiskers was red and gold, with a little curly yellow mustache. That was probably where he got his name. The next day at group therapy, Doctor Bailey told us that we each had to call our parents. Oh God, were not getting sent home or something, are we? Santana asked, sitting up in her chair, her voice a bit panicked. Youre not going home, Doctor Bailey explained calmly. On Christmas Day, we all deserve to be with our families. But none of you have been cleared to be able to go home. Are you saying its not safe for us to go back home to spend Christmas with our families? Quinn asked, slightly irritated. We know were screwed up, but we at least deserve to spend one day at home after being here for so long.

Doctor Bailey sighed. Im not going to lie to you. Yes, I am saying that. None of you are ready to go home yet. We dont know what will happen if you do. To be safe, we are not allowing you to leave yet. Instead, at the hospital on Christmas Day. We all stayed silent. your parentsor families, whomever wishes to comeare going to be invited to a Christmas dinner here

You can call them whenever youre ready, Doctor Bailey said. - 51 -

Contents Kurt got up out of his chair and practically ran to Doctor Baileys office to use the phone. When he came out, a smile plastered to his face, Brittany and Santana went together to make their calls. Quinn had gotten up a while before thatwhen Kurt was making his calland gone to the elevator. When She said she was going to go get a drink, I replied. But that was a while ago. Kurt came back and Brittany and Santana went to make their calls, he asked, Wheres Quinn?

Kurt didnt say anything. Brittany and Santana left Doctor Baileys office and it was my turn to make my call since Quinn still hadnt come back. Kurt had gone to find her before I could. As I got up I thought about at me. But I called anyway, because it was worth a try. how I was the only one who didnt call their parents every few days (or every other day like Kurt did). Part of me didnt want to call him, because I knew that he either wouldnt call back or he would end up yelling I sat down in the chair that sat in front of Doctor Baileys desk and picked up the phone. I dialed my dads cell and listened to it ring and ring. His voicemail finally picked up. Dad, its Blaine, I said. Im calling from Doctor Baileys phone. Theres this Christmas dinner thing up here on Christmas Day that she said I should invite you to. To come visit. Or something. Just call her back and ask for me, I said. I hung up. yourself, Quinn. You have to call them sometime. It was Doctor Bailey. They dont want to talk to me, Quinn said. past.

When I got up and started opening the door, I heard voices outside of it. You cant keep doing this to

Theyre your parents, Quinn. They still love you, no matter what you do or what you have done in the I beg to differ.

Im just going to point out right now that eavesdropping was very wrong, and this was none of my Just call them business, but I couldnt tear my attention away from the conversation.

- 52 -

Contents They dont want to spend Christmas with me! Quinn said, her voice raised. They didnt want to spend think that theyll want to spend a holiday with me now? Just because were family? Doctor Bailey didnt say anything.

last Christmas with me, they didnt want to spend Thanksgiving with me this year, so what makes you

Im not going to attempt to call them, because they wont answer and they wont call back because they dont care. Quinns voice broke. Theres no point. Stop trying to get me to reconnect with them, because it is not going to work. I heard her feet hit the linoleum floor as she walked away, and the door to her as she walked in. room slamming shut. I heard Doctor Bailey sigh, then her heels clicking as she made her way back towards the office door. I pretty much ran back to the chair and picked up the phone again, putting it down as soon I know you were listening. Curiosity killed the cat, you know, she said, sitting down behind her desk. Who came up with that saying, anyway? I asked. I have no idea. Did you reach your father?

His voicemail. I shrugged. I told him to call back and ask for me. IF he calls back. yourself.

Doctor Bailey blinked at me. Hes your father, Blaine. He still cares about you. Dont be so down on Cant help it, sorry, I said, rising from the chair. Side effect of depression, and also adolescence. Im not sure which is worse. I left the room and walked down the hall to my room, finding that Kurt wasnt in there. I had a feeling, so I put on my coat and hat and gloves and went to the elevators.

Once I was on the playground, I saw Kurt on the swing, swinging with his eyes closed. I sat down on the swing next to him and thrust my legs forward and backward to get the swing moving. What are you doing out here? I asked. There was no way he was sulking about our parents like 40% of us were. Just enjoying the smell of winter, is all. Its relaxing, he replied, his eyes still closed. Winter has a smell?

- 53 -

Contents Yes. Crisp, fresh. Different than rain.

His and my swings were in perfect sync with each other, making it easier to talk. I leaned my head back like he did and sniffed the air as I swung forward, and I smelled what he described. Huh, I said. Youre right. You never noticed before?

I never paid much attention. really fun? What?

And we swung together for a while in silence. Kurt broke said silence by saying, Do you know whats

Just closing your eyes and swinging. Forget about where you are for a few seconds, and dont move your legs. It feels like youre flying and falling all at once and you get flooded with the most amazing feeling. I looked over to see Kurt doing what he was describing, his head leaning against the swings chain and his

legs going limp. We were no longer in sync with each other. I closed my eyes and stopped pumping my legs to keep my momentum going, and as the swing went backward, my heart swooped in my chest. I rose up in the air, then fell back again, and the swooping feeling returned. It felt better than anything for some both. odd reason; maybe it was the swooping feeling, maybe it was the feeling of flying/falling. It kind of felt like Within the next few seconds I found that it was the swooping feeling, as falling just made me crash into the face becoming buried in the drifts that had accumulated in front of the swingset. I heard Kurt drag his feet against the ground to stop the swing and come over to me, his boots sinking into the snow.

snow face-first. And no, I am not kidding. I had slid off of the swing and ended up falling into the snow, my

You took the whole it feels like youre falling and flying thing way too seriously, he said, trying hair and his scarf wiping snow off of my face. We went back inside after that.

unsuccessfully to stifle laughter. I groaned and he helped me up, his hands brushing snow away from my

- 54 -

Contents Yesterday, two days after I had called, I experienced what I liked to call a down day. A down day is when I wake up and feel like I had before I came into the unit, despite the fact that I had been taking my pills (and really, what choice did I have? It wasnt like I couldnt take them).

And to make it worse, my dad finally called back. But he didnt ask for me. I was taking a walk around the corridors of the hospitalsomething I did when I got bored with reading my book or whateverwhen I

heard Doctor Bailey talking in her office. I stopped outside her door, listening to what she was saying and who she might be saying it to. Just a friendly reminder: eavesdropping is bad.

Sir, you are being very rude about this matter, Doctor Bailey was saying. She sounded like she was trying

to contain anger. I heard a faint voice on the other end of her phone. I couldnt make out what they were saying. I pressed my ear a little closer to the crack in the door. I peeked inside and saw that Doctor Bailey had her back to me. Her response to the person was Mr. Anderson, he is your son. It shouldnt matter spend it together. You havent seen him in a month! where he is or what he is. What should matter is that its Christmas and youre family and you should Heres the thing, Ms. Bailey I heard my father say. Its Doctor Bailey

I dont want to see him. I will not see him until he is rid of his problems. But that wont be for quite a while.

Doctor Bailey sighed. Would you at least like to know of his progress? Hes made progress? Yes.

Then so be it. I dont want to see him. Nor will I want to at later holidays.

The only thing I want to know is when he will be completely cured of all of his ailments. Doctor Bailey and I both knew that he didnt just mean the depression. I swallowed. - 55 -

Contents Another friendly reminder: eavesdropping is BAD. for a long time And as for his other 'ailment' How do you even know other people like to think.

Mr. Anderson, I cannot give you an accurate timeline as to when that will be, because it might not happen

I know very well what you were talking about. And it cannot be cured, despite what you and several Well, call me back when hes better. If he gets better. Hes stubborn, so you might have to work with him a little. Doctor Bailey slammed down her phone while my father was midsentence. Despite the fact that I already knew what he thought about me, it still made me terribly angry. Angrier

than I had ever been before. It scared me a little. And because this was a down day, I felt even worse. made me go back to the place I used to go, the place in my brain that nagged me over and over again, "Just cut, it'll make you feel better."

Thoughts swirled around my head and I couldnt make them stop, thoughts of the negative perspective. Thoughts I constantly had before I came here. This, accompanied with the mixture of rage and sadness,

I walked back to my room in that haze, digging my short nails into my palms to bring some form of pain, trying to make the thoughts and feelings go away, but not succeeding. I was doing the exact opposite, actually. I quietly closed the door behind me and felt my eyes darting around the room. I clenched my eyes shut, but all I could think of was razor blades and how badly I needed one. The clothes Kurt had worn that day pain clawing at my insides, accompanying the rage and the plethora of feelings that were filling my brain to full capacity. It felt like I was going to explode. were lying on the floor. The bathroom door was closed. It felt like I was on fire, the need and the want for

I looked at my nails, beginning to feel panicky tears come to my eyes. They werent long enough to do real damage, but maybe it would be enough to stem everything for just a few minutes. At least until Kurt came them down, but it didnt do anything to stop anything. It only made everything stronger and harder to ignore. - 56 out of the bathroom or came back from wherever he was. I dug them into the skin of my arms and drug

Contents I scratched harder, but it didnt help.

I don't want to see him. Not until he is rid of his problems. Call me when he gets better. If he gets better. I turned around and ran my fingers through my hair, pulling on it as I felt panicky and angry tears begin to run down my face. I started breathing fast, and words and phrases from so long ago and from not so long almost deafening. ago went through my mind, soft voices at first, growing louder and louder to the point where they were I dont know what went through my mind (well, I know, but I dont KNOW. Does that make sense? turned around and punched the wall. Pain crashed through my knuckles and up my arm, and I almost groaned at the relief the pain brought me. I punched it again, and again, and again

Probably not. Nevermind.) to make me form the thought and then perform the action, but I know that

But then I felt arms wrap around my chest, pulling me away from the wall. I kicked and screamed (well, I whoever it was that was holding me back.

think I screamed. It might have just been inside of my head, but I'm not sure), trying to break away from What the hell do you think youre doing? Kurt said in my ear. His voice was panicky and scared.

I didnt answer him. I fought against him, because I had to get away from him, from here, from everything. feel embarrassed.

I remember that that was the only thing I could think about at the time. And now that I look back on it, I Kurt flipped me around and made me look at him, his hands having a firm grip on my shoulders, and I saw He doesnt care about me, I said, my voice cracking. What I hate is the fact that even though I knew that being that it made me feel like I had to hurt myself to feel better and make all of the bad feelings go away. And, because of what had been planted in my head for years now, I said, He never did. And neither does talking or just my true, actual opinion, and I probably wont ever know for sure. - 57 how worried he looked, the fear that was swimming in his beautiful eyes.

my father didnt give a shit about what happened to me, it still affected me in the worst way. That way anyone else. Because it was what I believed. It was what I had been led to believe. But in the back of my

head, I knew it wasnt true. I know it isnt true. But I didnt believe it. I dont know if it was the depression

Contents Kurt didnt say anything. He just shook his head, swallowed, and pulled me closer to him, his arms wrapped tight around me. I pushed hard against his chest and told him to let me go, but he didnt. He just held me tighter. I eventually stopped fighting and let my arms fall limp at my sides. I felt the horrible ache throbbing in my down.

knuckles from hitting the wall so many times. We stood there for a good while before I wanted to go lay Kurt, I think Im just gonna go to bed, I said.

Kurt nodded and led me over to my bed and lay down with me, still holding me. Why are you doing this? I asked.

Because I care about you, he said.

I didnt realize I was crying until he brought up his hand and wiped my face. I thought after I started punching the wall that I had stopped. Apparently not. nice and horrible at the same time. Its okay, he said to me. I felt like a child who had just skinned his knee after falling off of his bike. It felt Kurts hand went down to my arm and he grabbed my hand, pulling it up to his face. His eyes skimmed bloodiness of my knuckles. He looked at me and then led my arm back to where it originally sat between head and his arms wrapped around me. us. Then pulled me so close that there was barely any space between us, his chin resting on the top of my Eventually, the angry and sad thoughts were cast aside as I began to know nothing but Kurts arms and his warmth and his scent. The tears stopped leaking from my eyes and I closed my heavy eyelids, suddenly feeling exhausted. Blaine, Kurt whispered. Hmm?

over the irritated skin of my armthe skin was raised slightly from raking my nails over it--and the

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Contents I care about you. Doctor Bailey cares about you. Santana and Brittany care about you. Quinn cares about

you. Doctor Green cares about you. We all care about you. We care about you a hell of a lot. I didnt say anything. not true." I nodded.

"I don't ever want to hear you say that no one cares about you, because you and I both know that that's

And Blaine? Hmm?

Please dont ever hurt yourself again. I wont, I said. Promise me. I promise.

Just before I fell asleep, I swear I felt him kiss the top of my head. But maybe it was just a dream.

When I woke up the next morning (Christmas Eve morning), I remember that I was very warm and felt better than I had in a long time. For a second, I had forgotten the events that had taken place the night before, and was unaware that Kurt was in bed with me. So, it took me a little by surprise when I tried to roll over and felt arms tighten around my torso and the owner of those arms snuggle a little bit closer to me, sighing in their sleep. Everything from the night before came flooding back and I remembered who was in bed with me and why. I yawned and closed my eyes again, letting the sound of Kurts deep breathing lull me to sleep. Then yestterday morning (Christmas morning), Brittany decided to wake up super early (which for everyone in the unit is about five or six AM) and jump into our beds to wake us up, screaming, ITS CHRISTMAS, ITS CHRISTMAS! The little jingle bells on her elf hat did even less to let us go back to sleep. - 59 -

Contents So we all gathered in the front room where there had been a little Christmas tree set up. Brittanys parents for her to open, as they couldnt make it to the Christmas dinner later that day because they were visiting family in California and couldnt fly back in time to make it. We all sat in a circle and watched her open them, nursing mugs of hot chocolate. had sent a bunch of presentssome from Santa and some from them or other familyto the hospital

On the elevator ride downstairs for breakfast, Brittany forced an elf hat that matched hers on my head and everything, even though Doctor Bailey was still here for the time being.

Santa hats on everyone elses. I was going to ask her why she and I were the only ones with elf hats, but I decided against that and just went with it. Therapy was cancelled because of it being Christmas and

After breakfast, which Kurt ate without making any faces, we went back upstairs to clean up the wrapping snowflakes and then getting ready.

paper Brittany had left behind, and also helped Brittany put her presents in her and Santanas room. We didnt eat lunch because the dinner started relatively early (3:00), so we spent that time making paper I figured out that Santana and Brittany have a camera that they love to use, and they decided to take pictures of all of us in our Christmas outfits. It was like a family photo, and then singles, and then just random ones. Everyone was wearing shades of red or green or white, so we all matched in a way.

The dinner was fantastic, and I met Kurts dad, stepmother, and stepbrother, who are extraordinarily nice. him when he called. That made me blush a little. Santanas parents and her grandmother mainly stayed being there. Kurts dad shook my hand and told me that Kurt had told him and CaroleKurts stepmotherall about with Santana, not trying to talk to anyone else. But that was okay, because Santana looked thrilled at their Because we had no other family to sit and eat dinner with, Quinn and I had our own table alone, sitting

across from each other as we ate. Until Kurts dad called us over and invited us to sit with them. I pulled up a chair across from Kurt and next to Carole, and Quinn sat on Caroles other side and across from Finn. We all fell into casual conversation like wed known each other for years, laughing and enjoying the day like we were supposed to.

I saw Doctor Bailey walking from her office after dinner, and I asked her why she wasnt with her family. She wanted all of us to be with ours, so it was out of common curiosity that I wondered why she wasnt - 60 with her own. She responded, Married to my work and proceeded to tell me that Doctor Green had

Contents invited her for a small dinner at his house later. I smiled at her and told her to have fun and bid her a Merry Christmas. Before bed last night, after everyone was stuffed from dinner and ready to fall into a comatose-like sleep,

Kurt presented to me a large box wrapped in silver paper and a shimmery silver ribbon. Whats this? I asked him when he held it out to me.

I asked my dad and Carole if they could pick up something for you for Christmas, considering the fact that youre my best friend here and you dont really have anyone to give you anything, he told me. You didnt have to get me anything, I said.

Yes I did, Kurt replied, smiling and nudging my shoulder. Open it.

I didnt argue with him. I unraveled the ribbon from around the box and started tearing the wrapping paper off. When I opened the box I found a new coat inside, a black peacoat that looked similar to Kurts gray one, and a red scarf. Thank you, Kurt, but you really didnt have to get me anything. I didnt get you anything. Its fine. I wanted to. I love it. Thank you.

You needed a new coat. Your other one had holes in it. Kurt chuckled.

Well thank you. I appreciate it very much. Are you sure your dad and Carole were okay with it? Kurt nodded. They thought it was nice that I was thinking of you. I thought it was nice, too.

Before bed last night (we hadnt slept in the same bed since that one night), I said, Hey, Kurt. And he mumbled, What?

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Contents And I said, Thank you. For everything. very welcome.

Even though he was half asleep, he understood the full meaning of what I had said. And he replied, Youre And I snuggled into my pillow, my back to him and a smile on my face.

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Contents

Chapter Nine
December 30, 2010 Have you ever had an unplanned day that actually turned out to be one of the ones you know youll remember vividly in the future (near and far)? Today was one of those days.

It started off with Kurt hitting me with a pillow to get me out of bed (reminding me eerily of the first time I or 4 out of 7 days a week).

met him) and go down to breakfast. I should state that this happens a lot, because it does (about 3 out of 7 Anyway, we went down to breakfast as usual, and I noticed that Kurt was his food really fast. Like,

considering that he usually looked at his food with distaste, but ate it anyway because he had to. It struck me as either a good thing or a bad thing about his condition (disease? What is it properly referred to as?). Good because maybe it meant that he was getting better quickly, and would be back on the road to become less and less evident over time. But theyll still be there. At least thats what Kurt told me that (almost) complete recovery (I say almost because anorexia is something that doesnt ever leave you,

shoveling-as-much-food-in-his-mouth-with-each-spoonful kind of fast. I found this really weird,

kind of like depression or schizophrenia. You cant be completely cured of it, but the symptoms can Doctor Bailey told him a while ago). Bad because this could mean that Kurt may have developed what Santana had: bulimia. Bulimia is different than anorexia because instead of starving themselves of food, bulimics gorge themselves at meals with too much food, then force themselves to puke it up (that last part sounded harsh, but its the only way I can phrase it). I know Kurt told me before that he did force himself hospital and he was really bad, I was still worried about him.

to throw up on more than one occasion, and even though that was in the past, before he came to the He finished before I did, but it didnt take me long to finish and ask him, Whats the rush?

Kurts answer was pulling me out of my chair and leading me back upstairs to our room, throwing open the door and telling me to get my coat. Why are you rushing me out into The Unknown? I asked him. He said, Im going to be your teacher today. Teacher of what? I asked.

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Contents Thats a surprise. Now put on your coat.

So I did. And we went out into The Unknown to the playground. Are you teaching me methods of been. swinging on the monkey bars or something? I asked, half-joking. Because who knows; he might have

Kurt laughed and said, No. Not exactly, anyway. Then why are we out here?

Because, Kurt turned to me, suddenly serious. When you had your relapse, it made me feel horrible. I hated the fact that it felt like there was nothing I could do to help you, to stop what was going through your head. better.

But you did do something, I interrupted. You stopped me from hurting myself further. You made me feel There was a long pause before he continued. But that was only temporary. I cant always do that. I didnt say anything.

So, today Im going to show you some ways to get your mind off of things. There are only three, but theyll work better than hurting yourself. anything. Okay, I agreed. I didnt see any harm in trying. I did want to get as better as I could get, so I was up to try Kurt led me over to the swings and we began to swing. Remember when you fell on your face after I told you to close your eyes whilst swinging? Mostly.

Do that, but pretend youre flying instead of falling.

So I did. It felt exhilarating. And I didnt fall on my face that time. - 64 -

Contents What are you thinking about? Kurt asked.

What it would actually be like to fly, I said. Good. One down, two to go.

We got off the swings and went over to the monkey bars. Kurt swung himself to the top and sat, his legs dangling over the side. I looked up at him and he said, Are you coming up or not? So I went up and sat next to him. Close your eyes, he said, his voice almost a whisper. I did.

Breathe in through your nose. I did.

What do you smell?

Winter. Crisp and fresh. Different than rain. What are you thinking about?

The first heavy snowfall of winter, the kind that cancels school and blankets the ground so much that it gets so deep you cant see the grass or tell where your front porch ends and the front path begins. Good. I could hear him smiling.

We got off of the monkey bars, and Kurt said, Go in front of the swings. And I asked, Why?

And he replied, Because I said so.

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Contents So I did. I stood in the snow in front of the swings, right where Kurt told me to stand. He nodded at me, like I knew what to do. I shrugged and asked, What do you want me to do? Lay down, he told me. What?

You ask that question a lot. Lay down.

So I did. The cold seeped through my fingertips, chilling me a bit. I looked up at the gray sky, seeing some clear blue trying to peek through the clouds. Almost like it was trying to get a look at the snow. Kurt appeared above me. What are you thinking about? he asked. The sky. said.

Good. He helped me up and brushed me off, then stopped and looked at me for a minute. Hold still, he And he started to lean in. For one delusional second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but then that thought faded to nothing when I realized that his thumb and index finger were plucking something off of my cheek. Eyelash, he said. Make a wish.

I blew the eyelash off his finger, my eyes closed. What did you wish for? Kurt asked.

Then we walked the familiar path up to the roof. We took up our normal positions on the edge, our legs dangling over the side. I closed my eyes and breathed in the crisp winter air that was blowing in our faces, wishing I could stay here forever. Did that make you feel better? Kurt asked. Knowing that now you have a few alternatives? - 66 -

If I told you, it wont come true, I said.

Contents Actually, yes, I said. Very much. Thank you. It was my pleasure. But theres one more.

It doesnt involve coming up here, does it? Because Im pretty sure that if I felt horrible enough and I was told to come up here to clear my head, Id probably throw myself off of the building. me see your wrist. No. Kurt pulled a pen out of his pocket and clicked the button on top. Pull up your coats sleeve and let I furrowed my brows in confusion but did as he asked. I hesitated when pulling up my sleeve, not really because he whispered, You dont have to if you dont want to. If it makes you uncomfortable, I wont force you to show me.

wanting to reveal the things that I had done so hard to hide over the past year. Kurt must have sensed this,

But he had already seen a glimpse or two of my scars before, so it wouldnt be much different if he saw

them now. The clouds had disappeared and allowed the sun to glow for the first time in days, and it was beginning to fall low in the sky, casting a golden glow over everything and making the snow sparkle. I pulled up my coats sleeve and each scar was visible, the newer ones a little dark against my skin. The rest were paler than my skin, some even blending in with it. My eyes went up to his face, and I found him looking at me. He said, Now give me your wrist.

write something, the black ink standing out. He wrote it carefully so that it looked neat and easy to read, and the final product made me smile a little. Kurt clicked the pen and put it back in his pocket. He had written Courage! over the scars that were older.

I did. He pressed the pen to the skinlightly so as not to irritate the scars or the skin itselfand began to

Four out of four. You can use any one that you want to, Kurt said to me. Thank you, I replied, looking at him and smiling. It means a lot.

It was when Kurt smiled back at me that I felt it. A weird feeling in my heart, and a click in my brain. Like a finding its way back to its unfinished home. - 67 -

puzzle piece that had been lost for what felt like years but was actually only a few minutes or hours finally

Contents Is that what love felt like? Did I fall in love with Kurt Hummel? Is that what happened to me? Did I fall in was perfect when he already was? How long does it take for a person to fall in love? How long do they have to know the person? How well did you have to know them? does it really matter when you fell in love with them?

love with a boy that wanted nothing more than to help me, a beautiful boy who wanted to make sure he

But did any of that matter in the long run? If that person loved you back just as much as you love them, I honestly dont know. And I probably might not completely figure it out for a while, maybe even never. No Just so long as hes there with me when I do. And if he isnt, then I cant do anything about it. And itll be okay. (Also, sorry for all of the questions. Im just a little confused and needed to get those questions on paper). one can really tell. But I wasand still amperfectly content with that.

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Contents

Chapter Ten
January 2, 2011 New Years Eve was pretty much like a normal Saturday night sleepover, except in the front of the unit (where we usually have group therapy. The place that has two comfy couches and chairs and a TV hanging Brittany) was. Kurt and I went up to our normal spot on the roof after a while. up in the corner), which we have dubbed The Lounge. Well, the girls (and by girls, I mean Santana and But before I say things about that, I want to talk about what happened before that, on Wednesday. None of eighteenth birthday on New Years Day. I told her I would, and as I was leaving I asked if I could or should get her something. What would you get her if you were to get her something? Doctor Bailey asked.

us had therapy on Friday because of the holiday, so my last day of therapy of the year was on Wednesday. At the end of the session, Doctor Bailey told me to make sure to wish Quinn a happy

I dont know. She sure loves Perks a lot, and her copy is pretty much falling apart, so maybe I can get her a really leave here, but I want to. And its the thought that counts, right?

new copy? I said. I dont know how I would get around to doing that, considering I dont drive and I cant Doctor Bailey laughed. Ill tell you what: Ill take you to the bookstore tomorrow so you can get her a copy. The nearest one is less than ten minutes away, so no one will even know youre gone. Really?

Yes, really.

Thank you, I said before leaving.

The next day, we went to the bookstore to get Quinn her book, like Doctor Bailey promised. And I got Quinn a new copy of Perks, like I wanted to. But I got her a different copy of it. And when I say different, I pages and highlighted passages and quotes. I mean this copy had a different cover, and it was beautiful. - 69 dont mean a newer copy that isnt ripped in a few places and has creases on the spine and dog-eared

Contents The original cover is a yellow-green color and has a picture of a persons legs and shoes in the top-right

corner, with the authors name written on the very bottom of the cover in white letters and the title written at the top of the cover in brown print. But the cover I found was so different, and so beautiful, and white notebook paper, and a passage from the novel written in light red in pretty handwriting all over it, new cover, two of the photos were placed on the front in a form that looked like a photo strip youd get out

I knew that Quinn will love it. The new cover I found was one that was decorated with a background of and a review from USA Today written in black in the middle of the passage. There are photographs on the back of the original cover of the boy who I assume to be Charlie (the protagonist of the novel), and on this of a photo booth, and it was paperclipped to the top of the notebook paper. Then, to top it all off, the title and the authors name were written in black cursive on the bottom over the passage. It was different, and recognized because of its plainness. saying, Shell definitely love that. So we went back. it was a very nice cover, much less bland than the original, though the original is one that is easily When I got back into Doctor Baileys car and showed her the book, she gazed at it for a second before

And I was too anxious and excited to give Quinn her present that night or the next day or whenever, I hadnt really planned on when I was giving it to her, so I gave it to her as soon as I got back to the unit. I knocked on her door and held the book behind my back. She opened her door and immediately she knew out about yet).

I was up to something just from the look on my face. I guess Im not that good at hiding things (which could be a bad thing, considering my just-realized feelings for Kurt, of which I do NOT want him finding So she looked at me and asked, What happened? like a mother walking in on her child surrounded by a mess in the kitchen that hadnt been there a few minutes ago. Expectant. Waiting. Doctor Bailey said your birthday is tomorrow, and I wanted to get you something that youd really like, so any awkwardness that would have come around with dragging out my explanation. I held out the book to her, and she just gaped at it, her eyes wide with surprise and her mouth open in exasperation.

I had her drive me to the bookstore and I got you this. I said it all in a hurry, because I wanted to avoid

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Contents Blaine she said, taking the book from me. Its beautiful. Quinn looked up at me with a wide smile on her face that showed all of her perfectly straight and white teeth and hugged me, muttering endless thanks went up to the Lounge to start our sleepover, she had already gotten a little more than halfway through it. without realizing it. really stupid. before letting go and closing her bedroom door, flipping the book over to look at the back cover. When we I guess shes one of those people that reads fast. Or maybe the book is so good that you read it quickly What number is this? I asked. I assumed she would know what I meant. If she didnt, I would have felt But she did, and she said, Fourteen.

By eleven oclock, everyone was struggling to stay awake. Brittany had already passed out on the couch, awake. Santana was putting her nail file on the side table and setting up her own pillow and blanket on the Ill wish you all happy new year in the morning. Goodnight, Santana, Kurt said. last few pages of Perks, her eyes falling shut more than once, then opening really wide to try and stay

part of her face hidden by her pillow and blanket. Quinn was sitting in one of the chairs, trying to finish the

other end of the couch Brittany was sleeping on. Screw this staying up till midnight shit, she mumbled.

Quinn closed her book and stood up and stretched. Im gonna go put this back, she said before walking to telling herself, I'm only going to rest my eyes for a few minutes, then I'll go back out. She lied. When we checked on her a little later, she was lying in bed, asleep. I threw the covers over her and turned out her light, shaking my head to ward off my own drowsiness. What party poopers, Kurt said, looking at Santana and Brittany as they slept on the couch. Santana was perfect place to spend the rest of the year. Oh yeah? Where?

her room. Needless to say, she probably put the book on her bookshelf and laid down for a few minutes,

snoring softly. Quinn almost made it, too. He gestured to the clock on the TV; 11:10. I think I know the

Where do we always go when were bored? - 71 -

Contents I smiled and we went to our room to grab our coats and scarves. We went up the stairs and opened the door to the roof, inhaling the cold air of the last December night of the year. I head the crack of a can of soda opening behind me, and when I turned around I felt a can being pressed into my hand, and saw Kurt putting one to his lips.

We walked over to our spot and sat down, sipping our sodas and looking at the sky. It was velvety black and full of stars, but no moon. I could see the lights of the city beyond, all of them bright and clear among the horizon.

Sometimes people get fireworks (illegally) from somewhere and set them off into the sky to celebrate the new year, and I know that it always seemed annoying when I was at home trying to sleep and I heard the a few of the purchasers of these illegal fireworks), but if they werent there, itd be weird. home feeling, even though I always hated being at home. loud-as-hell bangs and pops and fizzles and other firework noises outside (because my neighbors were I kind of felt that way at that moment, secretly wishing that one would be set off, just to give me more of a Waiting for fireworks? Kurt asked, interrupting my thoughts. What?

Do you have a hearing problem or something? Because I find that Im constantly repeating myself. No, no, I said, shaking my head. I just think a lot, is all. Kurt nodded in understanding. added.

And yeah, Im waiting for fireworks. If we can see them or hear them. You know, if they do happen, I Oh, theyll happen.

How can you be so sure?

Please, Kurt snorted. There are too many idiots in this town for there not to be fireworks set off. Too many people go out of their way just to purchase things that combust and explode, and for what? - 72 -

Contents Entertainment?

Exactly. Kurt sipped some soda out of his can and swallowed. And I dont understand why, because they can get arrested if theyre caught with said entertainment. But maybe thats the fun in it, I said, shrugging. The thought of getting caught, but in the end realizing that the police couldnt give two shits because theyve got better things to worry about. get arrested for illegal firework possession. Well, most of them might not give two shits, but some of them give one shit because sometimes people do Why are we talking about illegal firework possession? I dont know, you brought it up.

And then we started laughing because it was such an odd conversation to have at the top of a building on drinking soda is odd in itself, so I have no room to judge what is and isnt odd. Do you have your iPod with you? I asked Kurt.

New Years Eve while drinking soda. Then again, being on top of a building on New Years Eve while

No, I left it downstairs. I supposed well find out the time when the fireworks begin going off. If they begin going off.

Dont be so pessimistic.

Then we started laughing again, and it could have been because what I said was truly funny or because we laughing, Kurt suggested a way to pass the time.

I have depression, I said, matter-of-factly. Its kind of my job.

were beginning to get tired, which caused us to become slap-happy (as my mom used to call it), or because we were at the beginnings of a sugar high brought on from our sodas. When we finally stopped How much do we really know about each other? he asked. - 73 -

Contents I dont know, I replied. A lot. Oh yeah? Am I a virgin?

Um. I was at a loss for words, because that wasnt a question you get asked often, and to be honest I didnt want to say what had been on my mind at that moment because after I said it I probably would have of red. thrown myself off of the roof and to the sidewalk several hundred feet below. Yes? I guessed. I was thankful for the darkness the night brought, because at that point I could tell my face was a horrid shade

Exactly. I know the previous sex lives that were Santana and Brittanys in almost horrifying detail, and Id should know, too.

only known them for about as long as youve been in the unit at the time when I was told. Therefore, you But what if I dont want to know the previous sex lives that were Santana and Brittanys in almost horrifying detail? I asked. Well, you dont necessarily have to, but youre going to find out eventually, whether you want to or not. Trust me. But, I think itd be a good idea for you to know me a little better than you did a few minutes ago, attention to anything else. And what have you learned about me? you think so hard that you lose contact with reality, going off into your own world and not paying That youre against the illegal possession of fireworks and are a virgin? Good! Now were getting somewhere. and I should know you a little better than I did a few minutes ago. For instance, I learned that sometimes

And then we asked each other a slew of questions, some uncomfortable, some weird, some common. One of us would ask the other a question, and then they would answer and ask us the same question. It was time until the year ran out. Ever gotten high? My answer: "No." like a game of Never Have I Ever, only we told stories with our yes or no answers. It was all to pass the

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Contents Once, Kurt said. It was horrible. I smoked a joint at a party a member of the glee club, Puck, threw. All I bathroom.

can remember is trying to eat the entire kitchen, and then once I pretty much did that I puked all over the I didnt ask if he had made himself do it or if he did it because he got sick, because that would be rude. And the look on his face told me that it was the former. I changed the subject with another question. How far have you gone with someone? Kurts answer: First base.

My answer: Well with a guy, Ive never been up to bat. That was probably the cheesiest thing I could with a girl Ive gotten to second base. Ever been in a relationship? that.

have ever said, because I'm pretty sure no one really gives a damn about the base system anymore. But

Kurts answer: Once. But he was a complete douche, so I dumped him. He didnt elaborate any more than My answer: Ive been in relationships with girls, but a good majority of those relationships were short and were comprised of no feelings and lots of making out to try and convince myself that I wasnt gay. Ive never been in a relationship with a guy, so Ive not been in a relationship that counted. Ever been kissed?

Kurts answer: Yes.

My answer: Not one that counted.

We were quiet for a little while after that. Our sodas had been finished off for a while, and we debated on visitor/worker on the top of the head/in the face/on some other body part and possibly hurt them. - 75 -

throwing them over the side of the building and looking over to see where it landed, but decided against it because A.) Littering is bad for the environment and B.) It could hit an unsuspecting late-night hospital

Contents So we leaned back on our hands and swung our legs back and forth over the edge of the building, staring out at the stars. What time do you think it is? Kurt asked. I dunno. Eleven something.

No shit, Sherlock. It was eleven something when we came uphere. Do you think midnight passed and were too far away from any fireworks to know that the new year started? as I spoke. It wouldnt be much of a tragedy. What with the fireworks being illegal and all. I smiled jokingly at Kurt He shoved my shoulder and called me a smartass. So, never been given a kiss that counted, huh? Yeah.

Sucks.

No shit, Sherlock.

Oooh, clever one. Throwing my witty retorts back at me.

A firework sounded off in the distance. It was very faint, and I didnt see anything, but I heard it. I froze for smoke from the tail end and stall a little, sounding from all the way down in the city below. like that.

some reason. It could have been an small explosion from a cars exhaust pipe that caused it to blow black Fireworks? Kurt asked me. Or exhaust pipe? Im guessing I wasnt the only one who thought of things In answer, another one sounded. Then another. This time, I heard crackling after the initial explosion.

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Contents Fireworks, I said, smiling. Even though I couldnt see them, it was nice to listen to them. It made me think of better times. But, if I were to look back on them, where would I rather be? Back there, where I was lying to myself every day, or here, where I sat with my best friend, staring at the stars? Happy New Year, Kurt said to me.

Happy New Year, I said back to him.

Now, at the time, the normal tradition of what people did to celebrate New Years Eve and the stroke of midnight didnt occur to me. At all. And it should have, considering who I was with, but of course it didnt. It only did when Kurt was suddenly leaning towards me, placing a chaste kiss on my slightly parted lips. I

jumped a little, startled at just how close he was, so close that I could see every one of his eyelashes. The There. Now youve had a kiss that counted.

kiss only lasted a few seconds, maybe even less, but it felt like it lasted hours. He pulled back and said, At first I was thinking, HOLY SHIT KURT JUST KISSED ME ON NEW YEAR'S WHILE FIREWORKS WERE GOING OFF LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY AND WOW WOW WOW HOLY FUCK--" But then I thought about what he said. There. Now you've had a kiss that counted.

That made me feel like he kissed me because he felt like he had to, not because he wanted to. Like he felt kissed by a guy, therefore never having a kiss that counted.

obligated to do it because it was New Years and because of what I said earlier about not having been I didnt want to dwell on it too much because it would plunge my mood a little lower than it should, and roof of a tall building. And I also didnt want Kurt to feel bad. I was unaware that he had begun to stand up my feet, grabbing my empty can of soda and walking to the door to the stairs and walking down. Kurt, Im going to bed, I said. Party pooper! I win! he said. until he tapped me on the shoulder, holding his hand out to help me up off of the ledge. I took it and got to As I walked down the stairs, I wondered how I didnt notice before how heavy my eyelids were before.

then plunge me into a panic attack, and I definitely didnt want to have one of those whilst standing on the

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Contents I didnt know it was a contest.

It always is. And Im going to bed, too. Doesnt that mean you lose, too? Were all losers.

It was a loaded statement.

The next day, we all woke up at some time (around noon) and wished each other a happy new year and occasion, and they happily said yes and presented them to us after we were finished with our lunch (or breakfast or brunch or whatever you wanted to call it). Quinn had her own special cupcake that was larger than everyone elses and had a lit candle sticking out of the frosting that covered the top of it. We all sang happy birthday to her and she blushed and felt embarrassed but smiled and laughed anyway, because her face when she was around us, though. It seemed genuine, kind of like when I gave her the new copy of Perks. I learned today that she was. Genuinely happy, I mean. thats what youre supposed to do. The happy on her face was different from the happy that was usually on wished Quinn a happy birthday. We asked the cafeteria ladies if they could make cupcakes for the

See, yesterday after lunch I saw her sitting outside of Doctor Baileys office door all day, reading Perks for the second time in two days. She didnt move once. Even when I went to bed, she was still sitting there. Whats she doing? I asked Santana.

And she just shook her head, and the look on her face told me that I shouldnt ask. down to breakfast this morning.

After about eleven, I heard Quinn go into her room. She didnt come out after that. And she didnt come I finished my breakfast early and went upstairs. I knocked on her door before entering, opening the door bed and open the door for whomever was knocking.

cautiously when I didnt hear a voice telling me to come in or hear her shuffling around to get up out of - 78 -

Contents She was sitting on the side of her bed, her back to the door and her knees pulled up to her chest. She was staring out the window. The sun was shining really bright, and there wasnt a cloud in the sky. Quinn? I said. Whats wrong?

What makes you think anythings wrong? she asked. Her voice was flat.

You didnt come to breakfast, and you sat outside of Doctor Baileys office all day yesterday. She didnt say anything.

Youre not the only one with parent issues, you know, she interrupted.

Do you want to talk ab

I walked over to where she sat and sat down next to her. Quinns eyes stared blankly out the window. I know that.

Yeah, you know that, but you dont know.

Any other person would be confused. I wasnt. She meant that I knew there were other people in the Your parents didnt kick you out of the house when you werent what they wanted. They didnt call you names or ignore you on holidays and birthdays, not even bothering to send you a card or give you a call. I didnt say anything. I just listened. Because thats really what she wanted. She didnt ask if I didnt mind listening to her problems or if I wanted to hear about them, but if she did I would have probably asked her why she was asking in the first place. world with parent issues, but I didnt really completely acknowledge it.

Quinn told me that she had gotten drunk at a party and slept with one guy, giving up her virginity to someone she doesnt even remember and ending up pregnant. She hid it for a while, but then she invited her idiot boyfriend at the time to dinner and he blurted it out to her parents that she was pregnant. bombard Quinn with the questions of Is it true? How could you do this? and Whos the father? - 79 (Spoiler alert: the father was not him.) Quinns parents then proceeded to force her boyfriend to leave and

Contents When Quinn couldnt give an answer, her parents called her several derogatory names that Id rather not repeat and told her to pack her bags and leave. That she had one hour to gather her belongings and go somewhere else, that they didnt want her to disgrace them by having her live under their roof.

They told me that I was an embarrassment to them. That they were disappointed in me. That I wasnt said.

their daughter, but someone else that they didnt know, someone that would do this kind of thing, she Where did you go? I asked.

She shifted. I went to my boyfriends house at first. But then he found out that I cheated on him and I left. you lost your virginity and became pregnant, so you two obviously didnt have sex, so

If you dont mind my asking, how did he not realize that he wasnt the father before? I mean, you said that She shook her head. He jizzed in the hot tub at my house once while we were making out in there, and he thought that that was what made me pregnant. I said before that he was an idiot, correct? I nodded.

Well, Ill say it again. He was an idiot. Still is, probably. Anyway, she continued. My family was ashamed one friend I had that wanted to help me cared enough to take me in: Mercedes.

of me, so I couldnt go to any of them. I was a member of the theater department at my old school, and the She let me live under her roof until I had the baby, and even after that for a few weeks. I called my fault for contracting the disorder. That maybe if I hadnt been such a slut, I would still be normal. My mom never said a word. She started crying then, quiet and almost unnoticeable. She wiped a tear off her cheek with her sleeve.

started exhibiting symptoms of post-partum, my dad yelled at me and told me that it was my own stupid

parents and asked if I could come home. They agreed, but only half-heartedly. So I went back. When I

At Thanksgiving, we didnt talk. At Christmas, we didnt talk. They acted like I wasnt there. Finally, I couldnt take it anymore. In the middle of the night, I put the bags that I had never unpacked in my car and - 80 drove here. I slept in the backseat until morning, when I knew there would be someone to help me. I

Contents talked to the secretary downstairs, whose name I still dont know, and she sent me up here to talk to Nancy, and she sent me down the hall to talk to Doctor Bailey, and I havent left since. all day yesterday? I was quiet for a while before saying anything. But why were you waiting outside of Doctor Baileys door I wanted to see if theyd call. I havent spoken to them since I was first admitted, and that was after Doctor Bailey called them to inform them of my whereabouts. After that happened they came up to fill out the necessary forms, and then they left as though nothing ever happened. That was last March. I thought since it was my birthday, theyd call. Maybe. I thought that at Christmas, too, but that was in passing. It

to, because it would never come. Yesterday was different for some reason, and I dont know why. I had a feeling, so I waited. And waited. And waited. But nothing came. Im sorry, I said.

crossed my mind for literally three seconds before I dismissed it as a really stupid thing to look forward

Why? What do you have to be sorry for me for? Quinn looked at me, a confused expression on her face. She had stopped crying. Because someone like you shouldnt have to go through and shouldnt have had to go through something like you have. Youre too good of a person. She smiled a bit. Thank you. For what? I asked.

For complimenting me. And for listening and caring when you didnt have to. was more of a thing that I should do.

People should always care. And listen. I dont think it was me doing you a kindness in doing so. I think it She gave a soft laugh and thanked me again. Are you going to be okay? I asked. Yeah, Ill be fine.

- 81 -

Contents And I left. And I tried not to think about all of the people in the world around me who could have lives that think about.

are worse than mine was, because it brought me to bad places and memories that I didnt want to be in or One last thing:

Kurt hasnt mentioned the kiss on the roof. Not to me, or to anyone else. Not once. And I dont know how to feel about it. Like, I'm happy because to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted my first kiss that "counted" to be with anyone else. Not in a thousand years. And yet, I feel horrible about it because I feel like I made Kurt feel wanted to do it, not because I pretty much told him to. like he had to kiss me, and I don't want him to feel like he kissed me because he had to, and not because he wanted to. Because if it ever happened again (which it probably won't), I'd want it to be because Kurt I don't know. I'll figure it out at some point in time. Just not now. It's too soon.

- 82 -

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Chapter Eleven
February 15, 2011 Sometimes I dont write for long intervals of time because nothing new really happens in the unit, and I dont want to repeat myself because that gets annoying. So, a quick summary: In the past month, weve all caught colds from one another. Brittany got the flu (shes better now). Quinn read Perks again. We kept the habit of having sleepovers every Saturday. Nothing really new or worth writing about. Even though getting a cold sucked major ass. But thats beside the point.

I remember around this time last year (and every year before that), the students and teachers would put didnt have, and probably wouldnt have, anyone to spend Valentines Day with, and because the holiday treat them that way each day, and its just an ordinary day. But it would have been nice to have someone to spend it with, because no one likes being alone on any holiday, be they pointless or not. The hospital decorates, too.

obnoxious Valentines Day decorations around the schoolin the classrooms, in the cafeteria, everywhere. I used to beand still kind of am, actuallyreally bitter about it all because I knew that I itself is just really annoying. I mean, I didnt care that much, because Valentines Day is just an excuse for

girls to complain about being single, or guys to treat their girlfriends like princesses when they should

I remember at Christmas, there were paper snowflakes that the kids in the pediatrics unit had made hanging around, and just little things. There was a little Christmas tree in every unit, some tinsel hanging Day decorations, because no matter where you went, you couldnt avoid them. around the doorframe of the elevator in the psych unit, etc. So, I kind of expected there to be Valentines But Brittanys favorite holiday was Valentines Day, so she went insane and made a bunch of decorations and hung them everywhere. I woke up yesterday morning and found two cards slipped beneath the door; one for me and one for Kurt, then opened the door to find the walls plastered with paper hearts.

- 83 -

Contents The pancakes at breakfast were dyed pink, shaped like hearts, and had strawberries inside (they were delicious). When we went upstairs and got dressed, everyone (except me) was dressed in shades of red or pink. I was dressed in a black polo and jeans. Because it was an ordinary day to me.

Maybe I was a little bit more bitter this year because I was actually in love with someone and they didnt

know and probably wouldnt and I didnt get to do anything for them for the holiday or whatever, but Ill never figure that out. Part of me was like, Oh, tell him today! but thats ridiculously overdone and I longer. wasnt really ready to tell him anyway, so Im going to do the best/worst thing and drag it out a little After therapy and dinner, Brittany disappeared for a little while. When she came back, we were all in our she said to us, Guys, dont go to bed yet! I have to show you something! Cant it wait until morning? Quinn asked. her, gesturing for us to sit down.

pajamas and getting ready to go to bed. She emerged from the elevator with a book held to her chest, and

No, Brittany said, sitting down on the couch. She placed the book in her lap and patted the spot next to We went from our doorways to the Lounge, squeezing in on the couch. Brittany was in the middle, with Santana and I on her right (me against the arm of the couch) and Kurt and Quinn on her left. Britt, this is cute, Santana said. Set up the camera so it can take a picture.

The thing about Brittany and Santana with their camera is that they act like a mother with their first child. They have to document literally everything. Well, not literally everything, but pretty much. They never went anywhere without it, though. It was always attached to a strap that hung from one of their necks, usually Brittanys. So Brittany stood up and set up the camera on the little table in front of the couch and had it take a picture

of us on the couch together, smiling at it. When I saw the picture earlier this afternoon, I laughed, because I was the only one smiling like a normal person, whereas everyone else was making really dumb faces; her teeth, and Quinn and Kurt were kind of just open-mouthed and overly-happy-looking. - 84 Brittany had stuck her tongue out, Santana just scrunched up her face, closed her eyes, and showed all of

Contents Okay, we have to read this book before we go to bed. Its important, Brittany said when she turned the camera off. Where did you find that anyway? Kurt asked.

In the pediatrics unit, Brittany answered. I read it every time I go down there, and one of the nice I put it away.

nurses told me to just keep it. She smiled. It reminds me of you guys, so I wanted to show it to you before So we read the book. We all took turns. It was a childrens book that I may have heard of once before, but son, and throughout the book, they compared their love to things to show how much they loved one another. We all took turns reading, passing it up and down the couch with each page turn. long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

dont remember much of. It was called Guess How Much I Love You, and it was about a father rabbit and his

Little Nutbrown Hare who was going to bed, Brittany began. held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very Guess how much I love you? he said, Quinn read as the book was passed to her. Oh, I dont think I could guess that, said Big Nutbrown Hare. Kurt: This much, said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go. Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.

Down the row to Santana. Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. But I love you this much, he said.

Then to me. I love you as high as I can reach, said Little Nutbrown Hare. I love you as much as I can reach, said Big Nutbrown Hare. That is very high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.

And it went on just like that until the story ended, with Kurts voice closing out the book by saying, He leaned over and kissed him goodnight. Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, I love you right up to the moonand back.

I couldnt stop staring at him. He closed the book and handed it back to Brittany, a huge smile on his face, thought of us when you read it, he said. And it was an adorable story. - 85 -

one that showed a little bit of his teeth. Thank you for making us to read that, Brittany. Its sweet that you

Contents Youre welcome. She smiled back.

We got up off of the couch started going back to our rooms to go to sleep. just followed me upstairs and called out, Hey, loverboy! on account of my hair.

This morning, after breakfast, Santana asked to talk to me for a minute. Well, she didnt ask. She kind of To which I turned around and gave her a confused expression, because she normally called me Curly Sue I assume youre talking to me since there are no other souls in this hallway, save for Nancy who is doing other things at her desk and is not a boy, I said. Obviously.

Why did you follow me up here? Because you werent done eating when I left. You arent going to ask about the new nickname I just gave you? Should I?

I see the way you look at him, she said, suddenly serious. I felt the blood drain from my face and I turned around and tried to open my door, but then I turned back around and said, Please dont tell him. The blood was coming back to my face and I could feel it burning. Im embarrassed by how desperate I sounded. To be honest, Quinn and I conversed about this after you two went to bed last night, so if he doesnt know by now, he truly is oblivious. Santana crossed her skinny arms over her chest. Is it that obvious? I asked, a little worried. A little.

Shit. At that moment I remembered what Brittany had said to me a while ago. You love Kurt. I can see it in your eyes. It was obvious even before I knew it myself, apparently. You cant tell him, I said. - 86 -

Contents Do you really think Im that much of a bitch? Santana asked. Um.

She chuckled. If I felt like telling him, I would have by now. I stared at the ground. my teeth rotting. stopped me.

The way you were staring at him when he was reading that story, Santana shook her head. I could feel Course you could. I turned the knob on the door and started to enter, but Santanas voice saying Just What? I asked, turning around again.

Just dont drag it out for too long, she said. Her dark eyes were sympathetic. Were all on borrowed time I nodded in understanding. here. We could leave or, god forbid, get sent somewhere else at any time.

She nodded back and turned to go back to the elevator. I went into my and Kurts room. Dont drag it out for too long, I said to myself. Shit.

But what if by the time I or he leaves, Im still not ready to tell him? And what if when I am ready and I do Ill dwell on it all later. Because none of that will matter for a long time, most likely. Hopefully. tell him, he thinks its weird and theres an awkward silence between us or something?

- 87 -

Contents

Chapter Twelve
March 5, 2011 A lot of things have happened since the last time I decided to sit down and record things here. So Ill start with what happened a week after I wrote. The first thing:

football player before he came to the unit. Hes kind of scary looking, like he wants to hurt someone or something. In group therapy, we found out why he was admitted, but only briefly. My name is David Karofsky, and I am a sex addict.

Someone new came into the unit. His name is David Karofsky, and hes a big guy who looks like he was a

At first I thought about how odd it was that he was a sex addict, because you dont really hear of those kinds of people except for in books of TV shows. I assumed those kinds of people were real, but I had never thought that I would ever come to meet one.

David was watched a lot by random doctors. I have a feeling that theyre doing that to make sure he doesnt force himself upon the other residents of the unit, which would break the rehabilitation process next to Santana and Brittanys and across from Quinns. He doesnt talk much, just when called upon that, hes very quiet and secluded, and I dont see much of him. The second thing: during group therapy. He doesnt come out of his room very often, just for therapy or meals. Other than hes going through. Im not sure how it works, exactly, so Im not going to make assumptions. His room is

It started with Kurt leaving more notes for me about how to deal with sadness and my depression when or if hes not there. Well, not so much notes, but more like lists. One list was entitled Things To Do When Youre Sad, and the tasks wearing big sweaters, writing, reading, etc. Theyre all very nice and I expect them to be helpful in the near or distant future, whichever comes first. Hopefully I wont really need them, translated into the second person to make it easier to absorb. - 88 but I know I will at some point. Another list was entitled Reasons to Stay Alive. At the end of that list,

Kurt put what he had said to me a while ago, when he told me about his coming into the unit, except

Contents Killing yourself won't make you better, it'll only make you worse.

You like making lists, dont you? I asked Kurt one day. Yes, if they benefit me or someone else.

Kurt liked making people smile. He liked making their day. I can tell that just by the way he answered me. The third thing:

It was very, very wonderful. Something Ive been wanting to happen and waiting to happen for a really The day was normal. We all got up. We all went to the cafeteria for breakfast. We went back upstairs. We got dressed. We went to the playground. We went to therapy. We ate lunch. We went back to the playground. We went back inside to eat dinner. But as we were getting ready to begin getting ready for bed, Kurt disappeared. I came out of the bathroom and he was gone. A note was waiting for me on my bed. I picked up the note and read Kurts neat handwriting. Meet me on the roof at nine. Pretty please :) long time, though not expecting it to happen at all.

I smiled and put the note in the drawer where I keep all the keepsakes I collect from the unit (drawings from Brittany, Kurts lists, etc) and my journal. I put on my coat and left the room, walking down the hallway and noticing how quiet everything was. It was 8:57. Things were eerily quiet, which was odd considering how it was still somewhat early. The only sound I could hear was the ruffling of papers in Doctor Baileys office. She was preparing to leave. Quinn was probably reading. Brittany and Santana werent making a sound. They probably werent even in their room. But that wasnt the thing I should have been focusing on at that point. Well, it may have been a good idea to at least ponder it, which I did, but only briefly.

I arrived to the staircase and climbed up it, pushing open the heavy door and walking outside into the cool my face each time I exhaled. - 89 -

air. It wasnt as cold as it had been, but cold enough to make my breath visible in the air via a cloud around

Contents Kurt was sitting on the edge of the roof, looking down into his lap, playing with his hands, like he was trying to find something to do with them. Hey, I said when I sat down. What did you need me for?

Just wanted to talk, is all, Kurt said. He picked at his fingers, not looking at me. About? I asked.

Im just going to go straight to the point here instead of just procrastinating it with a bunch of bullshit that youll get bored of in minutes. But I never get bored talking to you, I blurted out.

Kurt just ducked his head and smiled. Im glad, he said.

What is the point you wanted to address here? I asked. It must have been important, because he didnt ask me to come up to the roof himself; he left a note instead. And when I came up here, he was already was planning something or he was going to spill his guts about something. Or maybe none of those things. Maybe I was being paranoid like usual. waiting for me, tapping his fingers against the concrete of the roofs edge. That had to mean that either he

The point, Kurt said, pausing to look at me. The moon made his irises look like a brighteralmost few flips in my chest.

transparentblue. Is that I cannot stop thinking about the kiss I gave you on New Years. My heart did a Kurt paused before speaking again. And I would very much like to do it again.

I really hope that the expression on my face didnt give away that I had to bite my tongue to keep from

screaming with happiness. Because that would have been slightly embarrassing. My heart was beating so fast that I could feel it in my head. Like when you get a headache and you can feel each beat your heart Just the heartbeat. I dont think that made much sense, but its the only way I can describe it. - 90 makes, because it makes your head throb that much more? Thats how I felt, only without the headache.

Contents Was that too forward? Kurt asked, suddenly worried, his eyes getting big. Im sorry if I made you uncomfortable. No, I said a little too quickly, shaking my head and going back to the present. No, its fine. Youre fine. Because Ive been thinking about it a lot, too. And by a lot, I meant all the damn time. again. So can I? Okay, Kurt said. Okay. He looked up from his lap and to my face. His voice was hushed when he spoke I was hardly able to form words, so I just nodded. Kurt nodded, too, and began to lean in slowly, almost

hesitantly. I accidentally dug up all of the horrible memories that I had of kissing girls so long ago, trying were occurring, and I imagine that you probably should enjoy yourself when kissing someone. Depending on whom the person is, anyway. I had scooted backward a little on the roof, so I didnt, you know, fall to my death. Kurt did the same. I But not much. with Kurt), the words uncomfortable and not right come to mind. I didnt enjoy myself while the kisses

to remember what I should do, or at least try to do. When I thought about my past kisses (except the one

picked my brain for things that are probably a good idea to do whilst kissing someone, and I figured that I

should probably start leaning forward, too, just as Kurt was doing. I went only a little slower than he did. My hands stayed planted on either side of me on the concrete to keep me balanced, and I felt the slight and the concrete towards mine. I closed my eyes when Kurt got so close to me, beginning to tilt his head, that I was beginning to be able to seeand probably countevery one of his eyelashes.

chilly breeze ruffling my hair a little. We were getting closer. Kurt started slowly slipping his hand over

His fingers bumped mine at the same time our noses bumped each other. We both jumped, jolting a bit closer together. I felt Kurts breath on my face and the brush of his lips against mine as he asked, Are you sure this is okay? I swallowed and nodded. I opened my eyes and saw that Kurts were open, too. His irises were even more impulse response, but I didnt care. Because I missed the feeling of Kurts lips on mine, even though the - 91 -

beautiful close up, but then they closed and his lips were on mine, closed over my top lip, and my lips

closed over his bottom lip. My eyes fluttered closed, too. I dont know if it was a natural response or an last time I knew that feeling was two months ago and lasted barely a second. For once, the thoughts in my

Contents head werent jumbles of Can we stop now? and/or No, I don't really want your tongue in my mouth. They

were OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE AND I DONT WANT IT TO END AND KURT ASKED FOR MY PERMISSION TWICE OH MY GOD Kurt broke away first. After a long silence, he said, I meant it, you know. Meant what? I asked.

The kiss on New Years. I looked over at him, and saw that his eyes were full of concern. I know youre did it because I wanted to. Im glad, I said.

thinking that the only reason I kissed you then was because you thought I felt like I had to. But I didnt. I

We were quiet again for a while, but I broke the silence by asking, Can I kiss you again? Yes, Kurt replied.

My mind started on its emotional screaming again, this time saying nothing but OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. The second kiss wasnt as slow in beginning. It was more comfortable, and it lasted longer. A lot longer. Not that Im complaining.

After a while, I whispered in between kisses, I dont think its that good of an idea to make out on the edge of a roof that reaches up several hundred feet above the ground. I felt Kurt smile. Probably not.

But we stayed there for a little while longer before actually attempting to get up and leave.

When we got back downstairs to our room, we got into our pajamas and got into bed. Our lips were sore biological clocks told us that we should have been in bed about forty five minutes previously. - 92 which I wasnt even aware could happenand we were tired, because it was a quarter past ten and our

Contents As always, I was laying on my back, staring at the ceiling and thinking about things. I wondered if Kurt had we just spent at least an hour on the roof kissing, were we an item or something? I was unsure, so I asked. Hey, Kurt, I said. Hmm?

wanted to kiss me for a while, or if it had just come up after the New Years kiss happened. And, because

Are we a thing now? I was hoping hed understand what I meant, and that I wouldnt have to explain. There was a pause before he answered. Yeah, he said. Were a thing. settled for smiling.

I felt it would have been a bad time to start flailing around, as Kurt was feet away from me, so I instead Smiling really hard so that it hurt my face, but even then I couldnt stop.

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Contents

Chapter Thirteen
March 7, 2011 Either Im bad at reading people, or maybe Im bad at hiding things, or maybe Im oblivious. I wouldnt girls that we were a thing, there wasnt much of a response.

myself these questions because when Kurt and I strode into the cafeteria yesterday morning and told the Well, Santana did say, No shit and Its about damn time. but thats really the only reaction we got besides huge grins. What? I asked.

really be surprised if anyif not allof those options were completely and utterly correct. Im asking

I dont know, Quinn said, shrugging. We figured it was bound to happen, so now that it has, it isnt that I nodded in understanding. surprising. Were happy for you, dont think that we arent. It was justexpected.

Thank you, Brittany, Kurt said, smiling as he took a bite of his cereal.

You guys are cute together, Brittany said. You complement each other.

Oh, and we also knew because Kurt kind of informed us last week of his roof intentions, Santana added.

I felt blush creep on my face, but only briefly. When I looked over at Kurt, his face was bright red and he was giving Santana a look that said, you weren't supposed to let him know about that. Really? I asked, smirking. So it WAS planned?

Boyfriends would be the term used. But I cant really say it without, like, squealing like a four-year-old girl, so I dont use it. At least not yet. So I just use the term thing to describe us. When we went upstairs, I asked Kurt, Did you really plan that? The roof thing? He gave me an embarrassed smile and said, A little.

- 94 -

Contents I spent the rest of the day kicking myself for not realizing that Kurt had roof intentions sooner. when I found a condom.

This morning after breakfast, when I was getting dressed, I pulled open a drawer to get a pair of socks What the hell? I said to myself. Kurt was in the shower, so he didnt have to share this confusion and me.

embarrassment with me. I dug through the drawer and found another one. What a thought came to

SANTANA, I yelled. She didnt answer me. I walked to the door and yelled out into the hallway. SANTANA ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME She opened her door and poked her head out. What?

WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THESE? I held out the condom. I brought them with me? Oh my god.

Curly Sue, Im thinking about you guys safety here. Dont really want oneor bothof you to counteract any strange diseases that could result from sex. SANTANA WERE BOTH VIRGINS So?

Im pretty sure we dont have STDs.

I have a rough idea of how gay sex works. You can probably get a UTI or something from SANTANA OH MY GOD

I AM THINKING OF YOUR SAFETY

- 95 -

Contents Doctor Bailey promptly stuck her head out of her door to tell us to keep it down. I tried to give Santana her condoms back but she refused. Keep them. Never know when you might need them. Why do you think I brought them with me? Oh my god.

- 96 -

Contents

Chapter Fourteen
March 18, 2011 I have the extreme misfortune of being one of those people who are born on a holiday. Even though St. to 4/20, only without the weed. Well, theres probably weed involved, but not as much. tell me that your birthday was tomorrow?

Patricks Day isnt a legitimate holiday, but one that several people use as an excuse to drink. Very similar Kurt walked into our room on Wednesday night and said with a goofy smile on his face, Why didnt you I said, I didnt think it was that important. And he asked, Why? I shrugged. out.

He didnt make me talk about it. We were lying down in his bed when the whole story kinda justslipped Before my mom stepped out, she would always take me to the park on my birthday without my dad, and wed ride our bikes around the trail and play on the playground and then go get ice cream after, because at to grow back. this time it would be starting to get warmer outside, and some of the leaves on the trees would be starting She left in June of 2002, two and a half months after my eighth birthday. I figured out on my ninth birthday came up. It gave me bad memories that I couldnt not think about, and all of it made me more depressed than usual.

as to why my dad was never invited on those trips to the park. For that reason alone, my birthdayand St. Patricks Day itself became one of those holidays that I quite truly loathed, and dreaded each time it

During the time after my mom left, I periodically wrote letters to her. I started this on my ninth birthday, and I locked myself in my room while the babysitter my dad had had come to watch me sat downstairs and did homework or made us dinner, waiting for him to stumble inside the house, pretending to not be - 97 completely plastered and paying her as she left. I was in fourth grade at the time, and the year before we

Contents had learned how to address envelopes to send to other people. And because I didnt know where my mom was or could be, I always addressed it like this: Christine M. Anderson

Wherever there are pretty roses to smell Because roses were her favorite, and wherever they were, she was.

Then the next day I would beg my dad, who was sick with a hangover and didnt want to deal with me, to the morning, Id sit outside on the porch swing, cradling a bowl of cereal in my lap and setting the letter on hed put mail into our mailbox, waving the envelope at him so hed see it. Can you send this to my mommy? Id ask.

send the letter to the post office. Of course, hed say no. So, because it would always be somewhat early in the table next to the swing. Id wait for the mailman to come around, and when he did, Id run up to him as

Of course I can! hed reply. And hed take the letter and put it in his bag, then walk off to the next house. Where would the letter go? Kurt asked, his voice low. It would always get sent back to me, I replied. What did you do with them? he asked.

I kept them all. I never reopened them, but I kept them.

I told Kurt that I always wrote her letters when I was sad, on her birthday, on my birthday, on holidays, years, not since my fifteenth birthday. I dont know if its because I just didnt want to anymore, or if its because I got tired of getting all of those letters back.

and sometimes just because. At least I used to. I dont anymore. I hadnt written my mother a letter in two

I didnt tell Kurt this, but I brought each letter with me. They were tied in bundles with twine, holding them together so I didnt lose any of them. Some of the older, originally white envelopes had ended up obnoxious stamp that read returned to sender, courtesy of the post office. - 98 yellowing a little from age, the corners not as pointy as they used to be. The front of each letter bore an

Contents When I was finished, I stared at the ceiling for a really long time. Kurt and I lay together in silence, the only sound being our breathing. Im sorry, Kurt said. I just shook my head.

He then proceeded to tell me about his own mother, who had become very sick when he was eight, and died about a month before his ninth birthday. Im sorry, I said.

He shook his head, just like I had. At least I have a vague idea of where my mom is, or might be. You dont. To me, thats almost worse. We became quiet again. Kurt was playing with my hair, his fingers pulling lightly on my curls and underneath the covers of Kurts bed with his body next to mine.

watching them jolt back into place when he let them go. I fell asleep eventually, content and warm I woke up to the sun shining brightly through the window. The blinds were up and I could see the clear

sky that was only visible in the morning, the kind of sky was blue, but not too blue. I looked over to the other side of me, where Kurt had been lying the night before, only to find that he wasnt there. Instead, there was a bouquet of roses, colors red, pink, white, and yellow. I smiled and sat up, picking them up and looking at the card attached. The front read that they were from the Lima City Hospital gift shop, which Birthday! hed written. Special breakfast for you down in the cafeteria, if you're up for it. was next to the cafeteria. The back read who they were really from, which was Kurt (of course). Happy So I got up out of bed and unwrapped the roses. Kurt had a vase of purple flowers mixed with smaller that the roses and the lavender and the white flowers were evenly distributed amongst each other. I went downstairs to the cafeteria, finding no one there.

white flowers on the bookshelfI think the purple flowers were lavender. I couldnt place what the white ones were. I dumped out the water and poured fresh water into the vase, then rearranged the flowers so

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Contents Did I miss breakfast again? I asked no one in particular. Mostly myself, because I sleep through breakfast windows of the gift shop. It read 9:30. I didnt understand why no one was there. their legs wrapped around my waist.

more often than I should. I looked at the clock that was between the entrance to the cafeteria and the I came to my senses when I felt someone jump onto my back, their arms wrapped around my neck and JESUS CHRIST I yelled, trying to knock the person off. thrashing.

Happy birthday, I heard Kurt say in my ear. He bit down on the top of it, but only lightly. I stopped Wow, really, I said, laughing. I was trying to stay balanced, but laughing made it harder to do. Is your number one goal in life to try and make me piss myself first thing in the morning? No, but that would have been funny.

I let him down from off of my back (I was only a little reluctant when doing so) and I asked as we walked was attached to a bundle of beautiful roses?

into the cafeteria to get our food, What exactly is this special breakfast you spoke of in your card, which Im glad you liked them, Kurt said. And its something the ladies in the kitchen thought youd like. Did you say something to them? I asked.

Thats a secret. Which translated to yes. I smiled and got a plate. his smile.

Chocolate chip waffles?! I said when I saw them, trying not to be excited. I failed. Kurt couldnt contain Later, Kurt asked me, Do you have anything planned for tonight?

I dunno, I WAS gonna spend the night with my nice, warm bed, but I think I might be able to cancel if your plans are better. He blushed. Cancel that date, and make room in your schedule for me. - 100 -

Contents Will do.

and wrote. But not in my journal. I wrote a letter to my mother.

I had time to kill. So I went to my room and tore a piece of paper out of my journal. And I sat on my bed

I wrote about what had happened to me in the two years that I hadnt written to her. About my coming everyone; Quinn and Santana and Brittany. About Kurt. I told her a lot about Kurt.

out. About my getting bullied relentlessly for days on end ever since then. About the cutting. About dad

catching the fresh cuts and scars and calling the psych unit to take me in. About the unit itself. About I talked about how in love with him I was, and I asked for advice on how to tell him so, knowing in the back of my mind that Id never get any advice on that fact but not really caring. Soon, I had written three pages. Finally, I folded the pages and put them in my pocket. I walked down the hall to Doctor Baileys office and slightly confused expression on her face. Blaine, what is it? she asked.

knocked on the door. It was noon. Not nearly time to go to group therapy yet. She opened the door with a Do you have an envelope? I asked.

Hang on while I get you one, she said, leaving for a moment and going to her desk to get an envelope. She asked.

came back and handed it to me. If you dont mind my asking, what do you need an envelope for? she Just sending a letter to someone, I said, turning to go back to my room to address the envelope, put the letters in side, and seal it. I put the same exact address that I always put on it. Christine M. Anderson

Wherever there are pretty roses to smell I went downstairs, all the way to the first floor to the desk where the in-her-forties redhead secretary with - 101 -

a bored, monotone voice sat talking to people when they came in, telling them where to go if need be.

Contents I rang the bell on her desk, and she looked up from a file she was reading through. Can I help you? she asked. Is there any way you can mail this for me? I asked, holding out the letter.

Sure, she said, putting it in a pile of envelopes. Might not be for a few days, but itll be mailed. Thank you, I said, giving her a small, polite smile and turning back to the elevator. even after that. She opened it and said hello to me. Whats up? she asked. Can you give me something to read? I asked.

I went back upstairs and knocked on Quinns door. I needed something to do until group therapy, and

Oh, I can give you several things to read, she said. She gestured for me to come in, and I did. I never because I needed something from it.

noticed the bookshelffull to burstingwhen I was in there on New Years Day. But I did then, maybe Have at it, she said. But you need to do the mandatory reading, first. She placed her old copy of Perks on the floor by my feet, the copy that had the yellow cover, where I was crouched in front of the bookshelf. I picked it up and then stood up again. Thanks, I said. Come back if you want any more material, she told me as I turned to close the door. I will, I promised. by reading it.

So I left. I went back into my room and lay down in my bed, opening PERKS and beginning to pass the time It worked very well, because once I started reading, I couldnt stop. Kurt came in about an hour before group therapy and lay down with me, snuggling up against my side. Hi, I said. I was almost finished with part two of the book. me. Well, I think he was. Its what I assumed he was doing. - 102 -

Quinn finally making you read that? he asked. His head was resting on my shoulder, reading along with

Contents Yes, I said. And it is actually a very good book, thank you very much. I never said it wasnt good. Your tone implied it.

I got to the end of part two and the beginning of part three when Kurt said, We have to go to group therapy. Cant we stay here? I asked. This book is so good and youre so warm.

Well, he said. We sat there for a while, me reading and him reading along with me.

We can come back to it afterwards. Until I have to make you get ready for what I have planned.

I shut the book and sat up, looking at him, one of my eyebrows quirked questioningly. He smiled and kissed my cheek and got up out of my bed. He went outside to the hallway and turned to go to the Lounge. I followed shortly after. Later, after group therapy, Id gone back to my room and started reading again. It was six when Kurt came was kind of in the middle of that.

in and took the book out of my hands and closed it. I was almost finished with part three. Hey! I said. I You are going to go to Quinns room to get ready while I get ready, Kurt said.

What? Why cant I get ready in here? I asked. And what am I getting ready for, exactly? Thats a surprise. And Quinn is allowing you to use her shower.

I decided not to argue any longer. Okay. Can I get my shower stuff out of Already done.

Damn. Youre good at planning ahead.

Its what I do best! Kurt smiled at me and pushed me out of the room. Go shower! he said. - 103 -

Contents So I did, laughing as I left the room.

I knocked on Quinns door for the second time today, and she opened it with a smile. Her short hair was curled and she was putting on red lipstick. Um, Kurt told me to come and shower? Why are you putting on lipstick?

I am unauthorized to give you that information, Im afraid. Just get in the shower. She opened the door a little wider and let me in. I showered, and when I got out I realized I hadnt grabbed any clothes. Shit, I said, wrapping a towel around my waist. Quinn? I called. Quinn!

What? she called.

I dont have any clothes. Do you have a towel? Yes?

Is it wrapped around your waist at the moment? Yes?

QUINN, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Just do it!

Just go back to your room and get some clothes. She said it as though it were an easy solution.

I AM NAKED.

YOU HAVE A TOWEL. IT CAN FALL OFF.

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Contents So? Even if it does, it isnt like none of us has seen a penis before. chest and torso. But I didnt want to say that. JUST GO GET YOUR DAMN CLOTHES.

THAT MEANS NOTHING. I was actually more self-conscious about anyone seeing the several scars on my

WHY CANT YOU GO GET THE CLOTHES FOR ME? I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO WEAR!

Fine.

WELL, NEITHER DO I, I said. PICK SOMETHING OUT FOR ME.

SOMETHING THAT LOOKS NICE! I added. I heard the door close. A few minutes later, it opened again, and Quinn knocked on the door. Unlock this for two seconds so I can give you your clothes.

I unlocked the door. Her arm went through the crack she made in the door when she opened it, and she was holding a bundle of clothes in her hand. Here, she said. I took the clothes and put them on the sink. a few seconds after. Thanks, I said. She had apparently also found my dress shoes, because she threw one of them in. The other was thrown in

Just get dressed.

Okay. I shut the door. I started getting dressed. Quinn had grabbed a dress shirt that was deep purple, black pants, and my black dress shoes. The socks were black and gray argyle. I nodded in approval. I suppose I should explain as to why I brought nice clothes with me to the hospital. See, when I was little, my mom and dad and I would always go to my relatives house in Florida for a month. Once, my mom had put nicer clothes in my dads suitcase, and he asked her why. She had said, You never know when you - 105 -

Contents might need to wear something nice. When I packed to come here, I remembered that and brought the clothes that I wore to whatever Kurt had planned. After towel-drying my hair, I went back into Quinns room. She had changed into a red dress and heels that were the same color as her lipstick. Am I allowed to find out what this is all about yet? I asked. And you look very nice. Nope. Ive gotta fix your hair first, Quinn said. And thank you. What.

Its all over the place. And?

And I want to try something.

I thought that there wasnt any sense in arguing with her, so I sat down on the edge of her bed and let her get what she wanted and do whatever she wanted to my hair. She had grabbed a comb and a bottle of hair gel. NO

YES

YOU ALREADY AGREED TO IT, she said. SIT DOWN. slicking it back.

QUINN NO

I did as she said, but not happily. She did a bunch of stuff with the hair gel, combing it through my hair and Quinn, this feels gross.

It looks good, trust me.

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Contents I sighed. She held a mirror out in front of me so I could take a look at my hair. To be honest, it didnt look poof (thats the only way I can describe it) to it.

that bad. I mean, I liked it better without all the gel, but Quinn had made it look nice. It had a nice little Wow, I said. That actually looks nice. I moved my hand to touch it, but Quinn stopped me. If you touch it, it will fall out. So, in other words Dont touch it.

Got it. Can I leave the room now?

Quinn looked up at the clock on her wall. Yes! she said cheerfully.

She led me to the hallway, where she told me to stay until she got something out of Brittany and Santanas room. Am I allowed to knock on the door and see if Kurts ready yet? Yes.

She went into Brittany and Santanas room, and I knocked on the door to my and Kurts room. I heard looked fantastic and gorgeous and a bunch of other adjectives used to describe appearance. Kurt let out a low whistle. Damn, he said.

footsteps from inside, and the door opened. Kurt was standing in the doorway, his hair sprayed and styled to perfection, wearing a gray and black striped shirt with dark jeans and dress shoes. And holy hell, he

I forgot how to talk. I just stood there in front of him, opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water. When I found my voice again, I said, You look very nice. I wanted to hit myself in the face. Kurt smiled. Thank you. Brittanys camera. Really, I said.

Now, Quinn said from behind me, making me jump. I turned around and saw her holding Santana and

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Contents Really, Quinn said. Now stand next to each other and smile and try to look cute.

Gee thanks, Kurt said. He closed the door and stood in front of it, his arm going around my waist and his hand resting on my hip. I made sure my arm and hand were in the same position as his was. We smiled for the camera, and I felt like a kid going to his first formal dance and was getting my picture taken by my mom. Okay, Quinn said, smiling. Now to the surprise. She took the strap off of the cameraa black tie that she must have gotten from the room when she was getting me my clothesand tied it around my eyes. Hey, wait a minute I started to protest.

Nothing you say or do is going to make us change our minds because everything is already put into place, Kurt said. Just go with it. This part wasnt my idea. We began to walk. And by us and our, you mean you and the girls, am I correct? I asked. Kurt held on to my hand. Quinn was walking in front of us, heels clicking against the linoleum floor. out first. Then Kurt, who led me out. It wasnt that long of a walk. holding my hand. I felt us step into the elevator. We began to descend. We came to a stop. The doors opened. Quinn stepped We stopped. I felt someone tugging on my blindfold. Im pretty sure it was Quinn, because I still felt Kurt The tie fell away from my eyes and I saw that the lights of the cafeteria had been dimmed down, and the I brought a hand up to my face to try and cover up my smile, but didnt succeed. Oh my god, I said, my voice muffled by my hand. Quinn had somehow gotten a hold of two pieces of paper, and was standing in front of us. She couldnt way, please, she said, beginning to walk towards the table. table by the window had been set for two. There were even candles lit in the middle of the table. Candles.

stop grinning, either. Hello, my name is Quinn Fabray and Ill be your hostess for this evening. Right this I was speechless in every sense of the word. We sat down and Quinn set down our menus in front of us. - 108 -

They were made by Brittany, I could tell. There were only two things on the menu for us: spaghetti and

Contents meatballs for dinner, and then ice cream for dessert (with the optional toppings of chocolate/strawberry sauce and whipped cream). Your server will be right with you, Quinn said before leaving. She walked to behind the kitchen counter Oh my god, I said for the second time in the span of two minutes. My face hurt from smiling so hard. You planned this in one day? This morning, actually, Kurt said. I cleared it with Doctor Bailey after breakfast and then talked to the cafeteria ladies about it. They loved the idea and happily agreed to it. God. Youre something else, I said. Kurt just smiled at me. and into the kitchen, disappearing.

Santana appeared from the kitchen, wearing a plain black dress and ballet flats, her hair tied up in a ponytail. She was holding a small notebook and a pen. drinks to start? Hello, she said. My name is Santana, and Ill be your server on this fine evening. Can I get you two any I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Uh, Ill have water. Me, too, Kurt said.

Would you two like to order or do you need more time? Santana asked.

We said yes and ordered the only thing on the dinner portion of the menu. kitchen.

Santana nodded and wrote on her notepad. Ill bring your drinks right out. She walked back into the Howd you get them in on it? I asked.

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Contents I originally just wanted to come down here with you after everyone went to bed and wed have the giant birthday cupcake that the cafeteria ladies made you, but the girls didnt like that plan and helped me hatch this one. They wanted to be a part of it. I nodded. Santana brought our drinks to us, and then disappeared back into the kitchen. You didnt have to do this, Kurt, I said. would do.

Yes I did. It reminded me of Christmas when he presented me with my coat. Its what a good boyfriend I blushed. A good boyfriend could also just wish me a happy birthday and give me a kiss on the cheek. That would have been enough for me. Are you saying you dont like this?

No, no, I said, probably quicker than I should have. I love it. I really do. I just wasnt expecting it. youre going to get out of them. They could be good or bad. And this is definitely good. Im glad you think so.

Isnt that the best thing about surprises? Kurt asked. You never know whats going to happen or what

We were quiet for a little while after that. Our food was brought out, and we began to eat. it would be a good idea to give you some new memories. Some that arent as negative. Thank you.

I know how you feel about your birthday, and the memories it brings you, Kurt said suddenly. I thought

Youre very welcome.

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Contents When we were finished with our spaghetti, Santana took our dishes, refilled our waters, and asked if we wanted dessert. (Well, you dont really have a choice as to if you want dessert or not, so what do you want on your ice cream? were her actual words.) For me, chocolate sauce a little bit of whipped cream. For Kurt, just a small bit of strawberry sauce. anyway. There was a lit birthday candle in my sundae, and I blew it out. Did you make a wish? Kurt asked. Youre already here. That made him blush.

Brittany brought it out to us and said that the meal was on the house, even though I kind of figured that

When we were done, we got up and blew out the candles in the middle of the table, starting to feel tired. We walked out of the cafeteria and to the elevators, walking obscenely close to one another. Kurt pressed psych units floor. the up button and the doors opened. We stepped inside, and I pressed the button that would take us to the Because I couldnt help myself, and because I could, I leaned over and captured Kurts lips in a kiss. I broke away and said, Thank you again for tonight. It was wonderful. Youre wonderful, Kurt said, leaning in to kiss me again.

We stood there kissing until we felt the elevator lurch to a halt (which was not very long, unfortunately). Then we got off and went back into our room to change into our pajamas. I washed the gel out of my hair, because there was no way I was going to bed with it in.

When I was done doing that, I laid down and grabbed PERKS to try and finish. Kurt laid down next to me did as he had earlier, his head resting on my shoulder and his hands wrapped around my arm. I kept four and wanted to finish. nodding off, but I always woke myself up before falling to sleep completely. I was halfway through part Blaine, why dont you just go to sleep? Kurt asked. - 111 -

Contents I want to finish, I mumbled. Go to sleep. Fine.

You can do it tomorrow, Kurt said. He grabbed his iPod off of the side table. Blaine, its almost midnight.

So I marked my page and gave it to Kurt to set on the table. I got myself situated under the covers and

turned onto my side, facing away from Kurt, closing my tired eyes to sleep. Kurts arms went around my waist and pulled me over to him so that my back was pressed to his chest. I could feel his heart beating. Kurt kiss the back of my neck. "You're welcome," he replied. Before I fell completely to sleep, I mumbled, "Thank you again for the shmancy birthday dinner." I felt

When I woke up this morning, I found that Kurt had shifted onto his back and I had moved so that I was breakfast. Then we came back up and got dressed.

hugging his waist and my head was on his chest. When Kurt woke up, we got up and went down to And then I did something strange. I went down the playground alone. I sat down on the swing, but I didnt head against the chain of the swing, thinking of the last time I went to the playground with my mom for my birthday. We had swung on the swings for an hour before doing anything else. We had ridden our cream.

swing. I just sat there. The morning air was chilly, but I barely noticed. I closed my eyes and leaned my bikes around the trail eight times before I fell off and scraped my knee. Then we got in the car and got ice I was snapped out of my thoughts when I felt someone pulling on my swing, then an arm going around me. sniffed. Since when did I start crying?

It scared the shit out of me at first, but then I opened my eyes and saw that it was Kurt. I let him keep

pulling me over, until he was hugging me. I swallowed and felt that I had a huge lump in my throat. I I didnt dwell on it. I just let him hold me, because he had a slight idea of what was going through my head. He understood. And hes probably the only one here that does.

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Contents

Chapter Fifteen
March 30, 2011 Ive been talking a lot about Kurt to Doctor Bailey during our therapy sessions. They were mainly just know when well get out/how long our relationship will actually last, considering either of us could go out legitimate dates (out to dinner, to the movies, etc) like normal couples do. Privacy is sort of limited.

questions about how to go about our relationship, and how we do so, considering it was quite an odd one to be in, mostly odd because were both in the psych unit for an extended period of time, and we dont at any point in time, possibly without much of a warning, in the worst circumstances. We cant go on But we make it work. We sometimes eat dinners alone together in the cafeteria after everyone else has

had dinner. Most of the time, theres a movie we can watch on the TV in the Lounge, so we do so whilst we used to when we were just friends. sitting on the couch underneath a blanket. We fixed the privacy thing by taking trips to the roofjust like

(I didnt tell Doctor Bailey about us going up on the roof, because that could worry her and cause her to lock the door to the roofs entrance at the top of the stairwell, thus eliminating most of our time for privacy, which would suck.) But in todays session, I told her, I think I love him even though I already knew that I did in fact love him because I needed to take Santanas advice that was given to me last month, as we are on borrowed time. love with him?

very much, and knew this before we became a couple. I just needed advice on how to tell him and when, Doctor Bailey leaned back in her seat and asked me a difficult question. Do you love him or are you in I didnt answer right away because I wasnt sure.

Let me elaborate a little more by asking you another question, she said. Do you love Quinn? Of course I do. Shes the closest person to me in the unit other than Kurt. But do you love her like you do Kurt?

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Contents No, of course not.

Think about that for a while. Dont tell him anything unless youre absolutely sure. Thats the only advice I can give you, because I dont know the extent of your feelings, and you might not, either. Dont dwell on it too much. Youll know when you know. I nodded and said thank you before leaving. I ask Doctor Bailey for advice a lot, mostly because I dont much of anyone, so Doctor Bailey was the next best thing.

have much of a parental figurenor did I have much of one when one WAS available to meto get advice on this sort of stuff from. I know Kurt had his dad to talk to when he called or visited, but I didnt have

Speaking of parental figures, the letter I wrote to my mother? It was given back to me today. Nancy gave it to me first thing this morning, when I came back upstairs after breakfast to take my meds. I put it in the drawer with all of the others.

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Contents

Chapter Sixteen
April 15, 2011 Kurt and I talked about sex today.

It was kind of awkward, but kind of not. I know that doesnt make sense.

It started when we were in our room, after lunch, me passing the time by reading and Kurt spending that side, and I jumped, because Im ticklish where he poked me, and pretty much everywhere else.

time like he usually did when I read: glued to my side and reading along with me. He decided to poke my He thought this was funny and proceeded to keep tickling me, until my book was abandoned on the floor because I had dropped it to the bed and we had knocked it off, and he had me pinned to the bed, and I couldnt breathe because I was laughing so hard. He finally held my arms above my head, his hands around my wrists, pinning me even further. His leg was between my legs. Hovering over me, he asked, Do you give up? Do I have a choice? I replied. No, he said. Not really. more kissing.

Then he leaned down and kissed me, just a peck on the lips. Then another. And another. And that led to Then I got a boner.

My eyes snapped open, and I saw Kurts eyes were already open. We separated and I wriggled away, pulling my knees to my chest and feeling uncomfortable. I could feel my face burning. Im sorry, I said. For what? Getting a hard-on? You cant control that stuff.

I didnt say anything.

This led up to the conversation about sex.

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Contents I know youve never done it, and you know that I havent, Kurt started. And I know this relationship just started, but I am extremely comfortable around you. I didnt say anything.

Neither am I, I said. I feel the same way you do. For some reason, my mind flitted to the condoms that Santana KEEPS FUCKING HIDING IN OUR DAMN SOCK DRAWERS and wondering if Kurt threw them away or kept them. So I decided to ask. I found Vaseline in there this morning, was all he said. I facepalmed. Kurt laughed.

But I know that Im not exactly emotionally ready to have sex with you, he continued.

We came to the agreement that wed have sex (if our time together allowed suchactivities) when we were both ready, and that wed talk to each other about it when that time came. If it came.

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Contents

Chapter Seventeen
April 30, 2011 Ive always loved spring because everything the snow dulled and/or sucked the life out (to put it lightly) of begins coming back to life. The color of the grass turns back to its original vibrant green, rather than the darker green color that winter brought it before covering it with snow. The leaves begin growing back on bright, and its starting to get warmer, and the sky is always cloudless and blue, and its wonderful. Well, unless it rains. But thats beside the point. the hospital. the previously-skeletal arms of trees, and flowers begin to bloom on bushes. The season is more colorful, a nice introduction to what the rest of the year (until October) can look like. The sun always shines so

Kurt decided to celebrate spring by showing me something that Quinn showed him when he first came to Everything is a surprise, isnt it? I asked as Kurt led me to down the hall to the elevator. Yes.

We got into the elevator and went down to the first floor, which of course put me in the mindset that we were going to look at the flowers that were blooming on the playground, of which Id already seen. They No, I wouldnt take you something youve already seen and tell you that you havent seen it. Yes you would. were of the purple and yellow variety. I asked Kurt if those were what we were going to see, and he said,

Okay maybe I would. But Im not doing that today.

I smiled as Kurt pulled me in the opposite direction of the playground. We went through a door that

brought us to a long hallway that had only a door at the end and no windows lining the walls. Just (some) flickering lights on the ceiling. This reminds me of a hallway that youd see in a horror movie. Kurt swinging his knife around. laughed. Right about now, the killer would burst through the door behind us and chase us whilst

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Contents Well, then wed better start running, shouldnt we? Kurt started running, tugging me along after him. We burst through the door at the end of the hall, and the sun blinded me.

summer rolls around, Kurt said, sounding only a little like a tour guide. Which he was, in a way.

Welcome to the courtyard! Most beautiful in the spring, with its beauty dimmed only slightly when

The courtyard was very large, and it was basically just a big garden; flowers that were vibrant in color,

grew in well-tended to flowerbeds, their colors intensified by the shining sun. They stood out against the each breeze that passed through.

grass, a bright purple or pink or yellow popping up among the green. Brick paths made their way around

the flowerbeds. There was a large oak tree in the middle of it all, its newly grown leaves shuddering with Quinn came across here when she first got admitted. It wasnt this pretty when she first discovered it, but she found that with each passing week, it grew closer and closer to this. After a day like this, it wasnt the same. I wanted to show you while it lasts, Kurt said, breaking through my thoughts. Its beautiful, I said.

We made our way over to the bench under the oak tree, sitting down in the shade. Kurt pulled his iPod out of his pocket and switched it over to a Panic! At the Disco album (Pretty. Odd., for future reference). I didnt know you liked Panic!, I said. How can one not? I laughed.

He placed one earbud into his ear and I put the other into mine. We sat there for a while, leaning against the bark of the tree, sitting close to each other, but not touching, listening to the album. I looked over at Kurt and saw that his head was leaned back against the tree, staring up into the leaves. ruffled his sprayed hair a little, but not so much that it blew it out of place. The sharp features of his face were almost magnified in the light of the sun.

The sun was poking through the cracks in the leaves, lighting up small portions of Kurts face. The wind

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Contents I had always thought he was beautiful, ever since the first time I saw him, but to my dismay, I had gotten used to it in the months that Id gotten to know him. It baffled me a little, as I had thought that there was no way in hell that Id ever get used to it, but I had, because that kind of thing was beyond my control. But as I stared at him staring up into the leaves and at the cloudless blue sky that was just visible between

the leaves, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, in the sense that all breath seemed to leave my

lungs at the sight of the beauty I got to see each day, but had somehow gotten used to after a while. It was sitting next to me now. It was so much different. This feeling felt more real, more breathtaking than the After a few seconds of all of that thinking that had been washing over me at my sudden epiphany, I blurted out, Im in love with you. I didntand still dontregret saying the words, because like Santana had said before, I needed to tell that they might not be, that I was just kidding myself, because I wasnt, and I knew that. one I had felt when Kurt and I sat on the roof and he wrote Courage! on my wrist for the first time.

like I hadnt really paid as much attention as I thought I had. This feeling was much different than the one I

felt when I first conceived the thought that I just might be in love with Kurt Hummel, the boy that was

him. And like Doctor Bailey said, Id know how I really felt about him when I knew and was completely

sure. And right then, I knew that I was sure. I want to kick myself for taking the split second I did to think Kurt froze and looked over at me. He took the earbud out of his ear, almost like he was making sure he heard me correctly, and that he hadnt been imagining anything. What? he said. For once, it was him that was unsure of what had been said instead of the other way around.

Im in love with you, I said again. Im sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I felt my face flushing. I needed to get that out.

brought my eyes down to my lap, not looking at him, or maybe not wanting to look at him. But I just Uncomfortable? Kurt asked. Why would I become uncomfortable? I shrugged.

We sat in silence for a long time. Kurt put the earbud back in his ear. I felt awkward and I just wanted to go back to our room and curl up in a ball underneath the blankets and never unroll myself out of that - 119 -

Contents position. The album ended and Kurt stood up, rolling the earbuds up and around the iPod. He held out his hand for me to take, and I took it and stood up. We walked back to the doorwhich Kurt opened for meand we walked down the hallway and back to

the elevator. We went up to the psych unit and went to group therapy. It was Saturday, so after therapy Slumber-Party in Santana and Brittanys room.

we went to have a sort-of-dinner and then went back upstairs to prepare for the annual-Saturday-

Its going to start a little later than usual, because Brittany wants to take a nap so she can try and stay up later, Santana had said. Meet at nine instead of seven. Why so late? I asked.

Because when Brittany naps, its for a long time.

So we went back to our rooms. And I lay down on my bed and tried to finish PERKS, because I havent tried to do so since Kurt and I talked about sex a while ago. I must have fallen asleep or something, because I opened my eyes to find Kurt playing with my hair again and the book lying on the floor. Quinns not gonna be happy that I keep dropping that on the floor, I mumbled sleepily. Im in love with you, too, Kurt said. to.

I froze, and I know Kurt felt it. He chuckled a little and said, Now you know what my reaction was similar So you werent weirded out by me telling you that? I asked. I didnt make you uncomfortable?

Of course not, Kurt said, kissing my temple. I just needed to gather my jumbled feelings together and form them into words. Do you mean it? I whispered. I was so hesitant in asking, but I needed to know. I would have been able to because I said it and he didnt want to make me feel bad. Of course I did. Why wouldnt I?

tell if he was lying. I needed to make sure that he didnt tell me that he was in love with me too just

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Contents And I told him why. He nodded in understanding. I wouldnt lie about that kind of thing, though. Its important, he said when I was finished explaining. Oh so very important, I said. anything.

I tilted my head to the side so that I could meet his lips in a kiss. Then we lay there for a while, not saying What time is it? I asked after about ten minutes. Why should it matter? Kurt asked.

Slumber party? I said. Did you forget about the thing that happens literally every week?

Kurt sighed and grabbed his iPod off of the side table, clicking it on and looking at the time. 8:55, he said. He leaned over and kissed me again. We can always pretend to have fallen asleep and skip the slumber until we get sleepy and then really fall asleep. party, he whispered. And while theyre over there thinking we fell asleep, we can stay here and do this It was a wonderful idea, and my brain was still lagging a little from sleepiness and the haze I was always put in when Kurt kissed me. So I agreed. When we heard a knock at our door, I lay back down on my side, closing my eyes and pretending to sleep. Kurt did the same, his arm thrown over my side. I heard the door open, then close after a few seconds. We didnt open our eyes and start moving again until we heard I felt bad, but I wasnt really into going over there tonight. I dont know why, I just didnt really feel like it. That, and Kurt was kissing me again, and if we were over there, we wouldnt have gotten to do that. We both got sleepy after a while, and our kisses became lazy. I was the first one to say, Im sleepy. Santana and Brittanys door close. Whoever had come in had turned the light off.

Kurt said he was, too, and we both got up and put on pajamas, me dressing in the bathroom and Kurt dressing in the room. Then we fell asleep in my bed. The next morning, when the sun woke us up out of our deep sleep, we got up and went down to breakfast. The girls werent there yet, so we decided to get our food and eat without them. When they came down a - 121 -

Contents short time later and sat down, Santana said, Just so you know, you two are so cute it makes me want to hurl. She paused. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. We all got a laugh out of that.

Kurt and I havent slept in separate beds since.

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Chapter Eighteen
May 19, 2011 Most would say that April was the time of year that rain fell the most, but that was not the case regarding the April that has recently come and gone. It was mostly dry, not as rainy as it had been in the past. Yes, it lagging a little bit behind, or wanted so desperately to be beautiful outside all the time. was a bit rainy, but not the all-day kind of rainy. May had been (and still is) very rainy, like spring was

Kurt loves the rain just as much as he loves the snow, maybe even more. I found this out when he led me to the courtyard on the day that the first storm came. We both ran out into the rain and sat underneath the listening to drops of rain hitting the fabric as it fell from the sky, through the leaves, and downward, letting gravity do its job and take it wherever it wanted it to go. Rain has a smell, too, Kurt said. Especially out here. oak tree (which would have been a bad thing had there been lightning, but there wasnt, so it was somewhat okay). He held an umbrella above our heads, and we huddled close together beneath it,

You did say that snow smelled different from rain, I said. What does rain smell like?

He said something, but I dont remember what. I couldnt focus. I could only rest my head on his shoulder and the leaves and the umbrellas fabric.

and take in how warm he was and how close we were and how good he smelled. We stayed there for a

while, not talking, just listening to the mixture of each others breathing and the rain as it hit the ground Kurt expressed his love for rain a little more on Tuesday night after everyone else went to bed and a storm was brewing outside. His iPod said that it was 10:17. Its raining, he told me. Really, I deadpanned. Lets go on the roof. Why?

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Contents Its raining, Kurt said, as though it were obvious. Well get wet, I said. So?

I got up and Kurt pressed his finger to his lips as we ran silently down the hallway, so as we didnt wake anyone up. We made sure the door didnt make a loud noise behind us as it closed. We walked up the stairwell. The rain was steadily growing louder and falling harder as we ascended.

We stood at the door and looked out of the thin little window that gave us a little bit of a view of the roof. played it on repeat for a good while after hearing it for the first time: Northern Downpour. Really? I said. started playing Pretty. Odd. again and flipped immediately to a song that I was familiar with, as I had

The rain battered the window, distorting our view of the roof weby that timehad spent hours on. Kurt

Yes, really, Kurt replied. I love this song and Ive listened to it while there was rain pouring in the background before and it was very nice. I had begun to say But you cant hear the rain that well from in here but Kurt grabbed my arm and pushed through the door without even pausing. KURT, WERE GOING TO GET SOAKED, I hissed. He just laughed and started twirling, running around on the roof, hair already wet and sticking to his head. YOUR IPOD IS GOING TO BE RUINED, I tried. The case will protect it! he said. He started spinning in place, standing in the middle of the downpour and allowing it to fall down on him. He stopped spinning and started running towards me. It didnt occur back away, and he pulled me through the door and into the downpour, which was falling down harder and harder as each second passed. to me to try and back away, at least not until the last minute. He grabbed my hands as soon as I started to

Kurt was laughing, and then I started laughing, and then we were completely cheesy and started dancing

in a way that didnt go with the song that was providing our background music. We gravitated closer and closer together, until our arms were around each other. Kurts arms were around my neck and mine were - 124 -

Contents around his waist. It felt like a natural position. I felt comfortable standing that way, and wouldnt mind if we stayed that way. We started to sway, almost like we were slow dancing, just looking at each other. Our faces began getting closer, and soon our foreheads were resting against one another. We were completely drenched, and the rain kept pouring down on us. We just kept swaying, letting the song repeat itself. I love you, Kurt said.

I love you, too, I said back.

And then we were kissing, and it was just us. All sounds were wiped out to make way for total silence, and all I felt was the embrace Kurt had me in, and how his arms moved so that his hands could cup the back of in your face and that they were burning for air, but I didnt want to separate from him. my neck. My arms tightened around his waist to bring him closer, and the kiss deepened. My lungs were beginning to let me know that it was a little hard to breathe out of your nose when you have rain pouring It was weird, because usually when we would kiss in our room and it would start to go a little farther than we were used to, or one of us would start to think that it would be a good idea to stop so things didnt go consciouss, and it was telling me that I didnt want to stop, actually echoing my own feelings for once. too far, we would stop. But right then, the nagging voice in the back of my head that told me that it would be a good idea to stop so we didnt go too far wasnt there. The only voice that was there was my own We had to separate at some point so we both wouldnt keel over from oxygen deprivation. When we did, it same exact expression, one filled with awe and confusion and maybe even realization.

was like I had just resurfaced out of deep water. All of the sound came back; the sound of the rain, the song that we had stopped swaying to a while ago. We looked at each other with slightly wide eyes, bearing the We should go downstairs, Kurt said. I nodded.

So we did. We took off our shoes before exiting the stairwell and carried them to our room, so as to ensure at the time, but do now.

our feet didnt squeak against the linoleum. Our socks made squishing noises on the floor, leaving wet footprints behind us. We got back to the room, and my heart was pounding for a reason that I didnt know - 125 -

Contents All we did was change out of our wet clothes and into dry pajamas. I changed in the bathroom, like usual, instead by the door. Lets go get some hot chocolate, he said.

and Kurt changed in the bedroom, like usual. I walked out and Kurt wasnt waiting for me in bed, but Okay, I replied. I walked to him and took his hand, which he had been holding out for me, and we left the cafeteria in silence. We got our hot chocolate in silence. We sat down at our usual table in silence. It was like that for a while. Quiet, I mean. Kurt broke the long silence by saying, Up on the roof, did you? Did I?

room for the second time that night. We walked to the elevator, went downstairs, and went to the

Did you feel something weird when we were kissing? He hesitated, almost as if it was kind of cafeteria.

embarrassing to ask the question. Our voices were hushed even though we were the only ones in the Define weird, I said after a while. Because weird could mean several things, as you and I both know, thanks to Santana and Brittany. Well, he started. You know how sometimes when we kiss, we quit because we dont want to go too far?

Yeah. I was all too friendly with that. embarrassed to say it.

I felt that feeling up there, only Ididnt want to stop. The last part came out in a rush, like he was I nodded. I swallowed before saying anything. I felt that, too. What do you think it means? Kurt asked. that he didnt feel comfortable with.

Im afraid to say, I admitted. I had a feeling, but I didnt want Kurt to think that I was suggesting anything But what if were thinking the same thing? - 126 -

Contents I swallowed again. What if it means were ready? Then we are thinking the same thing, then.

My heart started beating really fast again, because it hit me that that was exactly what I was feeling up on the roof as I kissed him. That I wanted him, and I wanted him to want me, too. We were quiet again for a while, sipping the hot chocolate that we werent thirsty for. A few minutes later, we stood up, threw our half-full cups in the garbage, and then went back upstairs. I didnt know if we were option; and I was willing to wait for the latter one if the former was the one that we were going to engage in. going to just go in there and go to sleep or actually do what we both kind of suggested. I didnt mind either

We went into our room, closed the door behind us, and didnt bother to turn the lights on before going to the bed so that I was sitting Indian-style, picking my fingernails as I did so.

my bed and sitting on the edge of it. We didnt say anything, we just sat there. I brought my legs up onto Can I try something? Kurt whispered suddenly, looking at me. The rain had stopped, the clouds blown away and replaced by an inky black sky with an almost-blindingly-bright moon shining in the middle of it,

the light coming through our rain-battered window and giving Kurts face a pale glow. His irises almost seemed transparent. Sure, I said. He lifted his arm and placed his hand on the back of my neck, his thumb unconsciously stroking the curls at the nape of my neck. I sighed and let my eyes fall shut, leaning into his touch. I felt his We parted for less than a second before we were kissing again, this time a little deeper. I felt that feeling I kind of jolt that told me that it was okay to go further, because I wanted to. felt on the roof again: a kind of jolt that was different than the one I usually felt when Kurt kissed me. The breath tickle my face, and I instinctively leaned forward, meeting his lips in a closed-mouth and soft kiss.

My arms went around Kurts waist, pulling him closer to me. It was almost an instinct now. Do you want to? Kurt asked, breathless. I immediately knew what he meant. only if you do, too.

I love you, I said. And I want to give as much of myself to you as youll let me. Of course I want to. But - 127 -

Contents I do, Kurt said.

We stopped kissing for a moment, taking in the agreement we had just made. It was almost as though we were making sure that it was a good idea. Which was dumb to even consider, now that I think about it. Kurt stood up off of the bed and walked across the room, and at first, I didnt know what he was doing. be asleep, but we didnt want anyone walking in on two boys in love making love for the first time.

Then I heard him lock the door with an almost inaudible click and begin to walk back to me. It seemed like a dumb precaution to take, locking the door, considering that it was after eleven and most everyone would He came back and sat down next to me, just like we were before. He leaned forward and we started to kiss they should rest, et cetera. Wed allowed our hands to wander before, but never like this.

again, starting out slower than before. We took a long time figuring out where our hands should go, where Kurts stayed between my shoulder blades, and mine sat at the base of his spine, right on his lower back. allowed my hands to skim upward, pulling the shirt along with them. My palms lay flat against the warm, moment to pull the shirt over his head and drop it lightly to the floor. I only had a moment to look at him, even what he would see when more layers disappeared: scars that hed only caught a small glimpse of. My fingertips played with the hem of his shirt, my fingers grazing the skin beneath it. He shivered and I soft skin of his back, my fingertips feeling along each knob in his spine. Kurt separated from me for a the outlines of several of them. It made me think about what Kurt would see when my shirt came off, and Hed seen the ones on my arms more than once. But hed never seen the ones that covered the rest of me; and I saw that his ribsmuch like most of the rest of his bodyjutted outward a little bit, and I could see

the ones on my chest, the ones on my torso, the ones on my hips, and the ones on my legs. They were nothing but healed pieces of skin that showed how vulnerable I was, and what I used to do to deal with to not have to wear them all the time for all the world to see. Sure, they could be covered, but not all of them, and not all the time. things and make me think like a regular person. They were ugly and embarrassing, and I wanted so badly

Kurts hands moved from my shoulders to my chest, his palms flat against it. They started to move allowed his fingertips to pass beneath the fabric and come into contact with my stomach. He was close to grazing over a long scar along my stomach that dipped beneath the waistband of my sweatpants and - 128 -

downward, stopping at the hem of my shirt and then pausing, as if asking for permission. I nodded, and he

Contents ended at my hip. I remember that I made it (and several other cuts that were now healed over) after I got ridiculed (and then beat up) for trying out for the football team. Wait, I whispered. Kurt froze immediately, his eyes snapping open. Do you want to stop? he asked.

No, I said, shaking my head. Its just. I struggled with a way to phrase what I wanted to say. Theyre everywhere. Theyre all over me and mind. Shh, Kurt said, kissing the corner of my mouth and resting his forehead against mine. Its okay. I dont We started kissing again, and he started moving his hands under my shirt again, slower and gentler than before. His thumb grazed over the sensitive skin of the scar on my stomach, the one that stretched to my hip. I shivered beneath his touch, and we separated so I could take off my shirt and drop it to the floor where his was.

We laid down at some point. I dont remember when. We lay next to each other for a long time, just breathing each other in. My heart was pounding, and I was starting to shake because I was so nervous. Kurt reached for my hand, which was lying between us, and held it, finding that it was shaking. Why are you shaking? he asked.

Nervous, I said. I brought his hand (which was still holding my hand) to my chest, right against my heart, mimicking mine almost exactly. Me too, he said.

so he could feel how it was pounding. The corner of his mouth twitched up, as though he were going to

smile. He brought my hand to his chest, right against his heart, so I could feel his own heart pounding,

He leaned over and gave me a soft kiss on the lips, which were beginning to become swollen. Just tell me if you want me to stop, he whispered. Another kiss. What if I dont want you to stop? I whispered back. Another kiss. I felt Kurt smile. Let me know of that, too. - 129 -

Contents More layers were removed until there were none separating us from each other. Kurts lips moved from

my mouth to my neck, then to my collarbone, and continuing downward. He kissed every inch of me, every scar that ran across my body, his lips lingering over each one after each kiss. He traveled back up again, laced together, our hands lying on the pillow, next to my head. his lips brushing over mine when he whispered, Youre beautiful. His hand found mine and our fingers Then we made love, and it was perfect. It was mostlyif not allbecause it was with Kurt, and I honestly didnt want my first time to be with anyone else. We gave each other the last thing we held sacred to us, was slow, and it was better that way than just jumping right into it. It felt like the right thing to do. and it was a sacrifice we were both more than willing to make. It was perfect because it wasnt rushed. It When we were lying underneath the covers, covered in sweat and desperately trying to get our breath back, I was still wrapping my mind around everything. We let our heartbeats calm down and our still-kind-of-sweaty hair. breathing go back to normal. I rolled over onto my side, facing Kurt, who was lying on his back. I leaned over and kissed him once, twice, three times, and then I was hovering over him, his hands tangled in my I wanted him to feel like I had and did, but not do the exact same thing he had. So I moved from his lips to kissed his cheekbone again, then whispered into his ear, Youre perfect. Undeniably, beautifully perfect.

the corner of his mouth, to his cheekbone, the corner of his eye, his forehead, then his jaw, his neck, his

collarbone, and downward. I kissed each visible rib, feeling him shiver as I did so. When I came back up, I We made love again, and it was just like the first time (that seems really cheesy to say, but it was literally almost exactly the same, so thats the only way I can phrase it). Except we were more sure of ourselves, and had a rough idea of what we were doing and supposed to do. When we collapsed into the sheets again, so swollen, all I could hear was Kurt saying, I love you over and over again. And I said it back. slipped into unconsciousness, I said, I love you, Kurt Hummel. And he said, And I you, Blaine Anderson. trying to get our breath back amidst giving each other kisses that hurt because our lips were so sore and We were exhausted, so Kurt wrapped his arms around me and we closed our eyes to sleep. Just before I

I woke up before he did. It must have been not that early in the morning, because the sun that was peeking through the blinds was pretty and gold. Kurts arms were no longer around me, but instead above his head - 130 -

Contents and resting on the pillow. He was lying on his stomach, most of his face buried in the pillow, so I couldnt When I woke up again, the sun was a little brighter, and Kurt was awake. He was lying on his side, just staring at me. Watching me sleep? I mumbled, my voice thick with sleep. Yeah, you look cute, he said. see much of it. I eventually rolled over and fell back to sleep.

That made me smile and blush a little. Kurt started laughing, too, and it was like music to my ears. We stopped for a few seconds and lay there for a few minutes, looking at each other, just like we did the night before. The realization hit me like a damn freight train.

I wanted to wake up like this every morning. Not in the psych unit, obviously, but if thats where we still were, I still wouldnt give a shit. As long as Kurt was there next to me. I wanted to wake up every morning with him by my side, for the rest of my life, however long it may be. Whats wrong? he asked.

Nothing, I said. Just admiring your fabulous bedhead.

He sat up and hit me with a pillow, and we started to laugh again.

We eventually got out of bed and got dressed, putting on the pajamas we had been wearing the night before. We went down to breakfast to find that the girls were already there. When we sat down, and as it repeatedly. I almost choked on my food. I could feel my face burning. soon as I had a mouthful of pancake, Santana said, Curly Sue, you had to have gotten laid last night, because theres no way in hell that that bedhead wasn't caused by someone running their fingers through Kurt, you need to wipe that smug look off of your face. Because you two had to have lasted for two rounds, considering youre also sporting the same style, Santana continued. Um, Kurt said, speechless. - 131 -

Contents Oh, come on, Santana said. Im kidding. You look like youve just been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Having spent so much time around Santana, my brain has its own portion called The Santana with an audible clunk. Part, which is where completely normal sentences and/or phrases of any kind form themselves into innuendos and/or boner jokes. Her last comment made me actually rest my forehead against the table Wait, she said. WAIT.

DID YOU TWO ACTUALLY

Oh god. I clenched my eyes shut, waiting for it.

YES, I said, jerking my head up rather quickly from its spot on the table. NOW EAT YOUR DAMN BREAKFAST. That made everyone laugh. was it. We ate the rest of our breakfast in silence. One of us would let out the occasional snort or two, but that Afterwards, when we had gone upstairs to change and take a walk, Quinn stopped me. I told Kurt to go with Santana and Brittany and meet me somewhere. Did you two really lose your virginities last night? Quinn asked me, her voice quiet.

Quinn smiled. Im happy for you two. And that begs the question; how was it? And dont say wonderful, because thats not the whole thing. You want me to give you graphic details?

Yes, I said, matter-of-factly. And it was wonderful.

Well, not graphic, but give me a few tidbits.

We began to walk and I told her a few tidbits.

Im happy for you, she said again. Youre lucky to have each other. - 132 -

Contents I know, I said. I couldnt even hide my own smile.

Im just surprised you could do it without Santana, who can smell sex from a mile away, having a clue.

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Chapter Nineteen
May 24, 2011 Often in group therapy, we broach subjects that cause some of us to feel uncomfortable. Usually, its death. We talked about it today, but no one really stopped anyone from talking about it like usual. Well, we didnt exactly talk about death. We just talked about precautions.

Ive been asked to discuss this with you, seeing as it was an issue in the past, Doctor Bailey said. I need to give you instructions on what you should do if you come across a suicide attempt, or even what you should do if you come across one of your friends in the unit relapsing. It was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop from across the room.

Doctor Bailey took a deep breath. About ten years ago, before I was hired here, a resident of the unit hung himself from the curtain rod of his shower. After that occurred, renovations were made to prevent any types of attempts like that to occur again, such as the smaller windows in your bedrooms, the doors on the showers in your bathrooms, et cetera. The therapists that were here at that time who led therapy sessions were asked to speak about what Im about to speak about. She paused. One of you could relapse, or one of you could find a way to attempt suicide. I am not speaking about this because I suspect that any of you Doctor Green. DO NOT drag out the process of telling somebody. If you feel that your friend will become

are thinking of doing so. I am speaking about this because I have been asked to. She went on. Now, if you angry at you for telling, do it anyway. Because it is for their safety and well-being.

happened to come across one of your friends relapsing, you stop them from doing so and come to me or

Next, if any of you have the extreme misfortune to walk in on a suicide attempt, you have to stay as calm We all nodded gravely. We were then dismissed. Kurt and I went to the playground afterwards. as possible. Do not panic. If this were to happen, you IMMEDIATELY find someone to help. Understood?

Jesus, that was a real mood-dampener, he said.

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Contents Well, I was thinking it would come up eventually, I said, shrugging. We were sitting on the swings, not moving. It was only a matter of time. We were quiet for a while. Hey, Kurt, I said. What?

Have you ever thought about what would happen to everyone you knew if you died? overdosed on my pills about a year ago, I couldnt really think about anything else. Who would be there. Stupid things like that. Its not stupid, he said.

It was all I could think about for a really long time, actually, Kurt said. When I was in the hospital after I I used to think about it all time, I said. I still do, sometimes. I picture what my funeral would look like.

What would yours be like? I felt like an ass for asking that, but Kurt answered me anyway. what my message to everyone would be, as stupid as that is. Really?

I dunno. Normal, I guess? Family, my friends from glee club. My friends from here. I even thought about

Kurt nodded. Its a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye. I have it memorized. Can I hear it?

Do not stand at my grave and weep, / I am not there; I do not sleep. / I am a thousand winds that blow, / I am the diamond glints on the snow, / I am the sun on ripened grain, / I am the gentle autumn rain. / When the soft star-shine at night. / Do not stand at my grave and cry, / I am not there; I did not die. Thats beautiful, I said. you awaken in the mornings hush / I am the swift uplifting rush / Of quiet birds in circling flight. / I am

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Contents She wrote it in 1932, but it wasnt confirmed as hers until 1998. Kurt shrugged.

I didnt say what I thought my funeral would be like, because I could only picture my friends from here were quiet again. Hey, Kurt. What?

there. No family. Just Kurt, Santana, Brittany, Quinn, and maybe even Doctor Bailey and Doctor Green. We

What are we gonna do when one of us gets discharged? The question was asked in a whisper, because I was afraid of what my voice would convey if I asked it any louder. He did what he did on the day after my birthday. He grabbed the chain of my swing and pulled on it, pulling it directly next to his so he could hug me. He rested his cheek on top of my head. you worry. I think were too fucked up to be even thinking about getting out of here. Well be here for a while, dont

I wasnt sure if that was a good or bad thing.

hadnt been home since my mom left. When she left, so did the feeling of having a home to come back to, there. I hadnt for a long time.

Sometimes I thought about going home, but then I realized that where Id lived before coming to the unit

replacing itself with the feeling of going back to the house that I lived in. I didnt feel very comfortable I discovered a new home here, though. And I was there when Kurt and I lay in bed at night, and when we were sitting on the swings earlier today. Kurt. Kurt was home.

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Chapter Twenty
June 20, 2011 I wrote previously about how some of us have days when were more depressed than usual, nicknamed because of the situation that weve been in for about a week now.

down days. Its not something that can be helped, being depressed. Its a side effect to all of our

disorders. When it does happen, we all try and cheer each other up somehow. Im mentioning this now On Sunday morning, we had all woken up from our previous nights annual sleepover in Santana and flowers and enjoy the nice day. It had been sunny and not too hot and the flowers smelled better for some reason. We went to lunch. Kurt wanted to go for a walk around the hospital, but I wanted to stay in our room and read, so he decided to go alone, joking that I was lazy. I didnt pass this off as abnormal, because he had done it before (joking that I was lazy and taking walks around the hospital alone). He didnt come the hospital to try and find him, but I didnt succeed in doing so. because usually he preferred to sleep in mine. back for a very long time, and it made me wonder where he was, because walking the perimeter of the

Brittanys room, like usual. We had gone down to breakfast, like usual. We went to the courtyard to pick

hospital took about an hour and a half, and he had been gone for much longer than that. I walked around When I came back to the room, he was curled up beneath his comforter, in his bed. I found this odd, It's soft and smells like you, hed said when I asked why that was.

down on the edge of the bed and touching his shoulder. He jumped a bit at my touch, which made me shy away a little. Tired, Kurt said, his voice cracking. Are you sick? I asked. No.

Hey, you, I said, my voice quiet in case he was asleep. He didnt move. Whats wrong? I asked, sitting

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Contents He kept his face underneath his comforter, with only his hair peeking out. It was wet, signaling that he had just taken a shower. Are you going to come down for dinner? I asked. No.

Alright, I said after a long pause. I leaned down and kissed his wet hair, then left the room to go to I went downstairs and ate dinner with the girls. They asked where Kurt was, and I told them that he was once a month, to me at least once every two weeks. dinner. I was only a little worried about him, when I should have been a lot more worried about him.

upstairs, sleeping, because he was tired and didnt want to be bothered. They shrugged like it was a normal thing. And for us, it kind of was, now that I think about it. It has happened to each of us at least

When I went back upstairs, Kurt was still in bed, in the same position that he was when I left him. I lifted up the covers to crawl in next to him, but he pulled them back. What I started. Can I sleep here tonight? he asked, not allowing me to finish my sentence. Alone?

My heart plummeted a little at his request. But he had the right to want to sleep alone in his own bed after needed some space, which was understandable.

not having done so in close to two months. We were together literally all the time, and maybe he just So I said okay and climbed into my own bed. It was only 8:30, but I was exhausted. The night before, we SUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEE until I got up. I fell asleep almost instantly.

hadnt gone to bed until three, and then the next morning, I was woken up by the overly-awake Santana and Brittany at eight, who decided to hit me with pillows and yell WAKE UP CURLY

I woke up the next morning to find that Kurt was still in bed, still in the same position he had been the side of Kurts bed and looked down to see if he was asleep, which he wasnt. He looked like he hadnt slept at all, actually. - 138 -

night before. I got up and stretched, the sound of my back cracking filling the room. I walked over to the

Contents Kurt, are you okay? I asked.

He didnt answer me. He just stared at the door. The comforter no longer covered his face, and I could see that he was paler than usual. His eyes were glazed over and unfocused. Kurt, I said, trying to get his attention. Are you sick? He shook his head. Just tired, he said. Didnt you sleep last night?

He shook his head. I couldnt get to sleep.

I pulled the blankets back off of him a little more, slowly so as to give him any time he wanted to stop me from doing so, if he did stop me at all. He didnt. Do you want to go get some breakfast? I asked.

After a pause, he nodded, slowly beginning to sit up. I waited for him outside the door, and when he came silence.

out, we went to the cafeteria for breakfast. The elevator ride down was quiet. We got our food in that same And for the first time in months, Kurt only put a little bit of food on his plate. I was going to say something

to him about it, but I didnt, because maybe he actually was sick and didnt want to tell me about it for some strange reason. We sat down with the girls and talked. Kurt was quiet as he nibbled on his small back upstairs. helping of eggs and bacon. He finished before everyone else, still having some food on his plate. He went Is he sick or something? Quinn asked when he disappeared down the hall, her eyebrows furrowed.

I guess, I said. He keeps telling me hes tired, but I think hes sick and just doesnt want to admit it. Why wouldnt be want to admit that hes sick? Santana asked. Thats stupid. I dont know, I said.

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Contents He looks sad, Brittany said suddenly. Like something bad happened to him.

We were all quiet again after she said that. Truthfully, a lot of bad things happened to each of us, and some days those things haunted our minds more than usual. Hence the Down Days. Maybe that was what was When I went back upstairs, Kurt was in bed again. So I decided to repeat the question wed been asking him since he woke up from his sleepless night. Kurt, are you sick? wrong with him.

This time, he said yes. Stomach bug or something, he said. Must have picked it up when I was walking around yesterday. I asked him if I could get him anything and he said no. It was like that for the next three days. He stayed in bed, not eating and only getting up to use the bathroom and shower. Id always offer to bring him food, but he would tell me no. I would bring him a end of the day, the glass would be empty. glass of water to drink, and it would sit on the table next to his bed, the straw sticking out of it, and by the On Friday, he finally got out of bed and went down to lunch with me. He didnt eat anything, claiming that he didnt have an appetite. This continued until today. Honestly, he looked horrible. His hair was limp and fell over his forehead and into his eyes, and he didnt had, and that light was replaced with a dull sadness that made his eyes appear glazed over all the time.

care that it did, which was completely out of character for him. His eyes lacked the light that they always Beneath his eyes were dark circles, physical reminders that he got little sleep in the past week. It looked like he lost the weight that he had gotten back since the first time I met him, and he looked closer to the discharged. But now he looked like he was in the middle of relapse. wouldnt be until it was completely obvious. sicker Kurt that I knew months ago. He looked better before he got sick. Almost like he could be Which maybe he was, and none of us knew, nor could really tell unless we were entirely sure, which we Out of all of us, Kurt was the always the easiest to cheer up when he was having a Down Day. All you had - 140 -

Ob-La-Da by The Beatles. Its what we played for him when he got like this, which was almost a rare

to do was play him a song that we and the girls would dance to when we had our sleepoversOb-La-Di,

Contents occurrence by this point in time. Usually when I did this, hed crack a smile and then hed perk up a little. But when I did it this time, he didnt even blink. All he did was shake his head and say, Not right now, Blaine.

He didnt eat anything at dinner tonight. He refused food when it was offered to him, and didnt talk much. When he and I went upstairs, he immediately fell into his bed and fell asleep. Or tried to. I dont know if he I hoped that Doctor Baileys advice about what we should do if any one of us relapses would never have to actually be followed. I hoped that we were all well enough to not relapse. But that wasnt the case. So Id Ill do it then. have to take her advice and tell someone about it. Tomorrows Monday, so Ill have one-on-one therapy. I know he might get mad at me. He might not talk to me for a few days. But I honestly dont care about was faking it or not. Hes still there now.

that. I dont enjoy watching him be this depressed, and not eat at meals, and fail to make social or emotional contact with anyone. I dont enjoy watching him waste away due to his own actions, which I knew he couldnt prevent very easily. All I want to do is help him, and I hope he doesnt get mad at me. I hope he understands that I just want to help him. Thats all I want for him. I want for him to be healthy again, and to not have to worry about not being good because of how he is. And that makes me unbearably sad, because I cant change that about him. But hell get better. I know he will.

enough, because hes more than good enough for me. I want him to know that, but he cant know that

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Contents

Chapter Twenty-One
June 29, 2011 I told Doctor Bailey about Kurt, like I said I would. She noticed that he was beginning to relapse again and did the only thing she could do: force him to eat. He had to eat meals at a different time than we did, and miserable, and he had a right to be. was supervised at almost all times by Doctor Bailey and Doctor Green. The only time when he wasnt being watched was when he used the bathroom, took a shower, and slept. His meds were adjusted. He was About two weeks after he started being monitored, he was monitored a bit less to give him a little more freedom and see how if he improved. Needless to say, he didnt. And I was the one to find out about it.

We had just eaten lunch, and Kurt had finished all of his food without anyone telling him to. He went upstairs by himself, not waiting for me. He had been doing that for a while, but I didnt think anything of it at the time. I should have.

I finished shortly after and went upstairs. I walked into our room, not knocking on the door, because that

because he had just gone up the stairs. The bathroom door was closed. The shower was running, which I also found to be out of place because Kurt had taken his shower after breakfast. And when he didnt take showers after breakfast, hed take them after dinner before he went to bed. I knocked on the door and called Kurts name, but he didnt answer. I pressed my ear against the door, and what I heard made my heart plummet to the floor. Retching noises. The sound of someone vomiting.

was something we had stopped doing after a while. Kurt wasnt in there, which I didnt understand,

I thrust open the door, and I saw Kurt hunched over the toilet, his shuddering back facing me as he heaved

the contents of his lunch into the bowl. He had both hands on each side of the bowl, and one of them held a

prevent this sort of thing from happening. And every other week, Doctor Bailey and Doctor Green - 142 -

toothbrush. I dont know where he got it from, because they were taken from us when we came in, just to

Contents conducted room checks to make sure we werent hiding anything. So he must have had a good hiding place For a second, I was frozen in place. I didnt know what to do. Then my brain started working on overdrive. for it.

Kurt, I said, my voice cracking as I tried to not panic. One of his hands went to flush the toilet, shaking as shaking.

it went. He stayed in the spot he was in for a few moments, catching his breath. I could see his shoulders Please leave, he said. He sounded completely calm. Kurt

Please, he said, not moving from his position in front of the toilet. Leave.

A spark of courage ignited through me and I stepped forward so that I was in the middle of the bathroom, feet from him. He had stood up, and was facing me. I held out my hand and said, Give me the toothbrush. No.

Kurt, I said, firmer this time. Give it to me.

He started walking away from the toilet and towards the door, but I blocked his way. Move, he said, trying to push me out of the way. Give me the toothbrush, I said. Blaine, move.

Give me the toothbrush.

finger. He pushed past me, practically shoving me into the doorframe as he did so. - 143 -

Kurt practically threw it at me. Here, he said, visibly angry. Take the damn thing. Ill just use my fucking

Contents Kurt! I said, walking after him. Kurt, what happened to you?

Those words werent the ones that were supposed to come out of my mouth, and I didnt realize this until they left me. He turned around sharply, infuriated. What happened to me? he asked. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? ARE

YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?

He was right in my face, yelling at me, rage evident all over his face. I STARTED TO EAT LESS AND LESS TO LOSE WEIGHT AND IT WASNT WORKING, SO I QUIT ALTOGETHER, AND LOOK WHERE I ENDED UP. THATS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT.

Kurt, stop! I said, putting my hands on his shoulders. He was shaking with rage, or maybe with something else, that I cant be sure of. Kurt, youre strong enough to get through this. Youre going to get out of here. He started shaking his head rapidly. Please stop, he said.

SHUT UP! he screamed. I jumped, my hands going off of his shoulders. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, he was crying now, taking a few steps away from me. DO YOU KNOW HOW SICK I AM OF THAT IS? BECAUSE EVEN IF I DO GET OUT, ILL JUST GO RIGHT BACK TO WHERE I STARTED, BECAUSE I IT. NO AMOUNT OF THERAPY CAN CURE THAT, NO MATTER HOW HARD EVERYONE TRIES. HEARING THAT? HOW MANY TIMES IVE HEARD IT SINCE I CAME HERE? YOURE STRONG ENOUGH. YOULL BE OUT OF HERE SOON ENOUGH. AND DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG OF A LOAD OF HORSE SHIT CANT FUCKING CONTROL MYSELF. I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ABSOLUTELY LOATHE WHAT I SEE IN I didnt know what to do. He was sobbing and screaming at me, his voice cracking from both the tears and wanted.

Youre perfect, and I dont ever want to hear you say that youre not good enou

the irritation the vomiting caused him. So I stood there, listening to him, because I think thats all he really IM NOT GETTING BETTER, AND YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT. IF I EVER LEAVE THIS GOD DAMN PLACE, ILL END UP RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED, BUT MAYBE ILL ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING RIGHT FOR A CHANGE. - 144 -

Contents I knew what he meant. Kurt I said for what seemed like the thousandth time since I walked into the wearing a concerned expression. Santana and Brittany were peeking out of their door, looking scared. Quinn was looking out her door, too.

room. He just shook his head and moved past me so he could walk out of the room, and into the hallway. I

walked after him, the toothbrush still in my hand. Doctor Bailey was almost right outside of our door,

Kurt, what happen Doctor Bailey started, walking after him. She turned around and looked at me, and her gaze caught the toothbrush in my hand. The color left her face. Kurt, she said, turning around again. He kept walking. He was going to the stairs. Kurt! she said, increasing her pace.

He kept going, his strides lengthening as he walked faster so he could get to the stairs and away from everyone. My hand let the toothbrush fall to the floor and suddenly my legs were moving of their own eventually disappearing. I followed him. accord, running after him. He pushed open the door, and it echoed throughout the corridor of the psych unit and the interior of the stairwell as it slammed against the wall. He started running down the stairs, He finally stopped at the very bottom. I stood at the top of the stairs and watched him, my brow furrowing when he went to hide underneath them. I took one step down, then another, listening to him gulp in each step. breath after breath, then another, trying to make sure my feet didnt make a sound when they touched

suck in another shaking breath, and then let it out, and I heard him attempt to stifle a sob that he couldnt hold in. He screamed again, only this time it was more muffled, like he had his face buried in a pillow.

Kurt let out a blood-curdling scream, one that echoed throughout the entire stairwell, and I heard him

Screw being quiet, I thought to myself. I walked quickly down the rest of the stairs and went around, looking to where Kurt was huddled in the corner beneath the staircase. His fingers were tangled in his hair, his face buried in his knees, and his shoulders quaking. I got down on my knees and moved so I was next to him, and I gathered him in my arms and pulled him to that hard, and I just wanted to help him, but I didnt know how.

me, and he immediately clung onto me, his face buried in my shirt. Im sorry, he was sobbing over and

over again. He was crying so hard that it scared me, because I had never seen anyone cry that much and

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Contents So I just swallowed hard and rubbed his trembling back, telling him, Shh, you have nothing to be sorry for. and Youre okay, youre gonna be okay. We were down there for a really long time. Kurt, wiping his eyes, separated from me to say, I think Im

gonna puke. So I led him outside of the stairwell and into the hallway of the first floor, where I followed the signs to the bathrooms while ignoring the people staring at us as we passed. We finally got to the bathrooms, and Kurt found a stall and hunched over the toilet, already beginning to dry heave. He puked waited for him outside of the stall, staring at the ceiling and trying not to burst into tears. I had to be strong for him, because he had been strong for me so often, and I owed it to him. for the second time in two hours, ridding himself of what he didnt succeed in getting rid of earlier. I

He came out of the stall a few minutes after he stopped dry heaving after vomiting, wiping his mouth with leaned on the counter, watching him. When he was done, he stood there for a little while, bent over the into the mirror, taking in his own reflection.

the side of his hand. He went to one of the sinks and turned on the water, beginning to wash his hands. I sink, trying to catch his breath. His breathing was still shuddery from crying so much. He looked up and Im pathetic, he said. His voice was flat. His tone showed that he meant it.

No youre not, I said, shaking my head. I walked towards him and put my arm around his shoulders, leaning over to kiss his temple. There was a little bit of sweat there. We walked out of the bathroom and back to the elevators. We went back up the psych unit and saw that group therapy was in progress. I didnt Doctor Bailey stood up from her seat next to Dave. even notice the time when I was downstairs. Everyone looked up at us, taking in Kurts red and puffy eyes. Kurt, Blaine, she said, smoothing down her skirt. Can I speak to you in my office?

I nodded, and she told everyone else that group therapy was over early that day. They didnt move from their chairs, instead opting to watch us walk down the hallway to Doctor Baileys office. I closed the door behind us as Kurt sat down and Doctor Bailey walked to her desk. She sank down into her chair and pulled open a drawer, taking the toothbrush that Kurt had used to make himself vomit earlier out of it. Doctor the desk, her fingers knitted together. Bailey placed it on the desk, in full view of both Kurt and I, and then placed her elbows on the surface of

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Contents Kurt, Doctor Bailey started. Kurt could do nothing but stare at the toothbrush. His expression wasnt readable. Where did you get this? He didnt answer her. toothbrush from.

Kurt, I am not going to punish you. I just want to help you get better. Just tell me where you got the I brought it with me, he said, his voice barely audible as he said so. I dont know how Doctor Bailey heard him, because I barely could, and I was right next to him. She nodded. Where did you hide it? she asked. conducting annual bi-weekly room checks, and had he kept it on him while they were doing that, they would have still found it, because they searched us after they did the room checks to make sure we werent hiding anything on us so they wouldnt find it in our rooms. Kurt had been here for at least a year existence. now, so his hiding place must have been a good one if they hadnt even known of the toothbrushs He was silent again. His eyes were glazed over and empty, like he wasnt even there. Maybe he wasnt. Kurt Doctor Bailey had to ask this, because she and Doctor Green would haveshould havefound it while

How long has this been going on?

In between the couch cushions in the Lounge, Kurt said, interrupting her. He swallowed.

A few days. Maybe a week or two. I lost count after my second time eating lunch. That made my heart tighten, and I felt my throat constrict a little. Youve had the toothbrush hidden in the couch for the very purpose of using it to make yourself vomit? He gave a small nod.

Blaine? Doctor Bailey asked. My gaze turned to her, and I said, Yes? Did you know about this before today? she asked.

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Contents I shook my head. No. If I had, I would have come to you right away, just like you told us to.

She nodded. Can you step outside a moment?

I nodded and rose from my chair. Kurt didnt even bat an eyelash. He was still focused on the toothbrush. I like they werent there and closed the door behind me, and then I looked down at them. What the hell are you doing? I whispered. obvious? walked out of Doctor Baileys office, almost stepping on Quinn, Santana, and Brittany as I did so. I acted

Eavesdropping, Curly Sue, Santana said, still sarcastic even in the most serious of times. Isnt it Yeah, and rude. Cant you tell that that was a private conversation? I said, keeping my voice low so that Kurt and Doctor Bailey wouldnt hear me. They stood up. Were worried about him, Quinn said. Were really worried about him, is all. belong, I snapped.

Yeah, well I am, too. But that doesnt give you three the right to stick your noses in where they dont I told you guys, something bad happened to him, Brittany said, looking at Santana and Quinn.

Well stop eavesdropping, Santana sighed, disregarding what Brittany said. They left, Quinn looking over her shoulder at me. I leaned against the wall until Kurt came out of Doctor Baileys office, and I was called back in.

Blaine, I need you to try and get to the bottom of why Kurt relapsed. He wont tell me anything, and if he wont tell you, then he isnt going to tell anybody. Why do you think something happened to him to make him relapse? I asked.

Because he was doing very well since his last one. He was recovering beautifully, and his current relapse is a bad one. He hasnt been that bad since he came in. I just have a feeling that something happened. Has he hinted at anything? - 148 -

Contents I shook my head.

Okay. Let me know if he says anything. She said a bunch of other things about Kurts new treatment, which involved being put on watch, and I wasnt allowed to leave him alone, and a bunch of other things I didnt really absorb.

That night, I found Kurt sitting Indian-style on my bed, flipping through PERKS. I sat down next to him and nudged his shoulder. Hey, I said. Hi, he said, still flipping.

Can I ask you a question?

I dont know, can you? Even his smartass remarks sounded sad.

Did somethinghappen that youre not telling me about? My voice was quiet. that looked a lot like fear.

Kurt stopped flipping, but he didnt look at me. His eyes flashed an emotion I couldnt decipher, but one Kurt, I said, taking his hand. It was limp in mine, not making any motion to show that it knew I was wont be mad at you or disappointed in you, I just want to help you, because you deserve so much more than this. He shook his head. I cant tell you, he whispered, his voice quivering. His hand was trembling. He said that I couldnt tell anybody. Who? touching it. I love you, and I hate seeing you this way. I squeezed his still-unresponsive hand. Please. I

He said hed kill me if I told anyone, Kurt whispered, his eyes starting to tear up.

I thought for a few seconds. There were several hes within the hospital, but only two that were in the unit other than me, two that had immediate access to Kurt if need be. Doctor Green and Dave. And I know - 149 that Doctor Green would never say anything like that to Kurt. I didnt know about Dave though, because he

Contents didnt talk much, not allowing me to form much of an opinion about him. He talked only during group therapy, and even then he didnt talk much. Dave? I asked, to confirm the small (and hopefully untrue) theory that was beginning to grow ever larger in my head. Kurts eyes squeezed shut and he nodded. Kurt, I said. Did he force himself on you? Dave was a sex addict. I didnt know how he could have done it, but it was certainly possible. I was hoping and praying that I was wrong, but my heart sank to the floor awful things to me, and called me all these awful names, and he said for the second time that day when Kurt nodded, tears slipping out of his eyes and down his face. He did Shh, I said, pulling him into my arms, only then noticing how much he was trembling, and taking into relapsed. Now it all made sense.

account how hed been acting for the past week and a half. He didnt want to sleep in the same bed with me, he was depressed all the time, he flinched whenever anyone touched him, and worst of all: he He told me that I couldnt tell anybody, or hed kill me, Kurt said, his face buried in my shirt. Hes not going to, I said, rubbing Kurts shaking back. I wont let him, I promise.

We stayed there for a really long time, me holding him and him crying and telling me that he was sorry. For what? I asked in response. It was my fault, Kurt said. happen.

Stop, I said, horrified. Dont you dare think that it was your fault. You didnt do anything to make that He clutched onto me a little tighter, sniffling. He stopped crying a while after, sagging a little in my arms. I sounding hoarse and sleepy.

rubbed soft circles into his back, and he sighed. Can I sleep in your bed tonight? he asked, his voice Of course, I said. I told him to lie down while I turned out the lights, and I heard him sliding beneath the - 150 -

covers. I turned the lights off and allowed my eyes to adjust to the darkness before crawling into bed next

Contents to him. As soon as I was settled, I felt Kurt move closer to me. I wrapped my arms around him, and he snuggled into me, burying his face in my chest. We have to tell Doctor Bailey about it, you know, I said. I know, he said, his face muffled by my shirt. Immediately. I know.

Well do it tomorrow morning. First thing. Okay? looked like he hadnt.

Okay. He sounded sleepy, and he had a right to, because I imagine that he hadnt slept in days. It sure Go to sleep, I said. You need it.

This morning, I awoke to find that Kurt was gone. The spot where he had been was still a little warm, down to breakfast or was in Doctor Baileys office, telling her what Dave had done to him. Only he wasnt doing either of those things.

I really hate it when Brittany is right.

signaling that he had left not too long ago. I got up, stretched, and went to the door to see if he had gone

He was still in the hallway. With one of Daves hands tight around his neck, and one against his mouth. What did I tell you? Dave said. You have a lot of trouble listening, dont you?

Kurt was struggling to breathe through his nose, wriggling in Daves grip, trying to get away from him. Again, just like the day before, my legs began moving without my permission, towards Dave, and my arms flew outward and hard against him to get him away from Kurt. It worked, and Kurt slid down the wall and from his throat to his face, as though he was preparing to defend himself. - 151 to the floor, his hands at his throat, coughing and gasping for air. He curled in on himself, his hands going

Contents Dont you dare touch him again, I said, my voice grave and dripping with hatred. Dave looked at me with out of me. He got right in my face and said, I swear to God, Ill do the exact same thing to you if you even think about telling anyone about it. Youre disgusting, was all I could say. Blaine

a loathsome look on his face, and he lunged at me, slamming me against the wall and knocking the breath

Both of us turned our heads to where Kurt was still on the ground. He had come undone from his previous position, and was instead sprawled on the floor, his hands clutching his chest. Dave took his hand off of my broken out all over his forehead, and he was sucking in gulps of air. I cant breathe, he said. My chest own throat and backed away, going back into his room. I dropped to my knees next to Kurt. Sweat had

Kurt, I have to leave you here for a few seconds so I can get you help, I said, trying my hardest to not He gave a jerky nod and I reluctantly let go of his hand, getting off of my knees to run as fast as I could CHRIST and held a hand to her heart. Blaine, whats sound hysterical. Okay? Ill be right back, I promise.

down the seemingly endless hallway to Doctor Baileys office. I opened the door so hard that it slammed against the wall in her office, and she jumped from where she was sitting at her desk and said, JESUS

I think Kurts having a heart attack, I said. Doctor Bailey shot up out of her chair and rushed to the door and out into the hallway, and when she saw Kurt on the floor, she took her phone out of her skirt pocket and pressed it to her ear as she began to run to him.

I need you to have a space ready in the ER, she said, pressing her fingers to Kurts neck. Get up here IMMEDIATELY. I assumed she was talking to Doctor Green, but I still dont know. I gripped onto Kurts hand and sat on the floor next to him while Doctor Bailey assured us that help was coming, and that Kurt with the hand that I wasnt using to hold his. air that he couldnt seem to get in his lungs. Tears ran down both sides of his face, and I wiped them away would be okay, but I barely heard her. Kurts head was in my lap, and he was still gulping in mouthfuls of

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Contents Youre gonna be okay, I said to him. Youre gonna be okay. Tears were running down my own face, and I didnt even notice until Kurt said, Dont cry. Please dont cry. I dont remember a lot that happened after that. I remember them taking Kurt away on a stretcher. I remember Doctor Bailey and I going down to the waiting room in the ER, where we still currently are. I a pen before I went down. knew Id probably be down here for a while, so I grabbed my journal from my bedside tables drawer and Doctor Bailey called Kurts parents, and theyre on their way here. She said that Kurt was going to be okay, that his heart attack was probably caused by the potassium levels in his body getting too low. But I cant help but be worried anyway.

Im still waiting. Kurts parents arent here yet. Quinn and Santana and Brittany came down and are waiting, too, but we havent gotten any news yet. No one is talking. And, selfish as it may be, all I can think about is Daves threat to me. And I wondered if hed actually keep it or if he just said that to scare me.

I dont want to find out. I just want Kurt to be okay. If he isnt, I dont know what will happen to me. And I prepared for.

dont want to know what will happen to me if he isnt okay. Because I know that it isnt something Im

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Chapter Twenty-Two
June 30, 2011 Kurts okay. He isnt awake, but hes okay.

He isnt in a coma, but the drugs that are pumping through him make him sleep relentlessly and very deeply, so when I saw him earlier he wasnt awake, just like when I saw him after we were allowed to and all of his family and friends left.

I let them see him first. Quinn, Brittany, and Santana were the last ones to leave Kurts room. Santana patted me on the shoulder before walking down the hallway to the elevators. I dont know why, but Im comments. Something nice is always appreciated. not going to question it, because something like that is kind of rare from her. Mostly I just get sarcastic

see him until about five that same day, and visiting hours ended at seven, so we were on a tight schedule. I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it said 6:58. Id probably get kicked out not long after I went in. But I went in anyway.

We didnt get any news about Kurts condition until mid-afternoon yesterday, and we werent allowed to

than he was; pale and thin, dark circles beneath his eyes and his cheeks appearing sunken in. I swallowed room, taking a deep, shaking breath.

I paused in the doorway, taking in the slightly inadequate lighting in the room that made Kurt look sicker

around the huge lump that had suddenly appeared in my throat and took a few hesitant steps inside the I sat down in the chair next to his bed, and literally as soon as I did, a nurse appeared at the door. Im sorry, but visiting hours are over, she said. exhausted.

Can I have a few minutes with him, please? I asked. Even to my own ears, I sounded exhausted. I felt She hesitated for only a moment before nodding and saying, Okay. Ill give you five minutes. - 154 -

Contents Thank you.

She disappeared, and I turned back to Kurt. The rise and fall of his chest as he breathed was steady and deep. He had an IV attached to one arm, fluid dripping from the bag and down the tube that kept Kurt the one closest to me, the one that wasnt a companion to the arm that held the IV. hydrated, and tubes in his nose to help him breathe (or so Im guessing, Im not sure). A heart monitor beeped steadily, monitoring his heartbeat for any irregularities that could occur. I grasped Kurts hand,

I brought the hand up to my lips and kissed the back of it, saying, I told you youd be okay. I told you. I paused, staring at how his eyes moved beneath his lids as he dreamed. I was pretty positive that he wont until youre there with me. couldnt take in any of my words, but I didnt mind. Im not going to tell Doctor Bailey about anything. I I gave his hand one last squeeze before standing up, knowing the nurse was about to come back around the corner and tell me to leave. I leaned over Kurt and pressed a kiss to his forehead before leaving his ahead of her. I gave her a small smile on my way out, and then made my way to the elevators to go to eat dinner with the girls. room. The nurse was waiting for me outside of the doorway, just like I expected, but I was already way

Instead of sleeping in my own bed, I fell asleep in Kurts, wrapping myself in his comforter and inhaling his

scent, relishing the sweetness and familiarity of it. I know Kurt said that he liked sleeping in my bed more than he liked sleeping in his, but I would honestly rather sleep in Kurts bed if I were him. It was warm bed for a while, because I like it very much. even when no one was in it for a long time, and it smelled exactly like Kurt did. Now I know what he meant when he said he liked my bed better. When he comes to, Ill have to suggest that its okay if we sleep in his

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Chapter Twenty-Three
July 2, 2011 I want to focus on and talk about the good things that have happened in the past few days before I start theyll just keep swirling around my head and Ill end up going totally insane, and I dont want that to happen.

focusing on and talking about the bad things that have happened in the past few days, because if I do it the

other way around, this entry will never be finished, and I want to get my thoughts down on paper or

Kurts pain medications have been lessened, for lack of a better word, and he has been awake for the he told me until he was able to tell her himself, and he agreed with me that that was a good idea.

majority of the time Ive seen him. I told him that I wasnt going to tell Doctor Bailey anything about what I visited him every day. I bought him fresh flowers from the gift shop every day with the money I had, the

flowers that he always replaced the vase in our room with each week. I sat with him and we talked until he or somewhere that wasnt with Kurt, sadly, because I always left at a different time each day. Usually it something to that nature.

fell asleep, and after that Id kiss him on the forehead and then go back to the psych unit or to the cafeteria was because I was asked to leave, or because I had therapy, or because it was time to eat something, or That routine--which I had only come to realizing was a routine the second day in--was what gave Dave the opportunity to make do on his promise. I was walking to my room when suddenly there was a hand that what was going to happen to me was all my fault. grabbing at my clothes and another hand over my mouth to muffle my cries of protest. Dave dragged me to the roof, where he told me that I should have paid better attention and not tried to help Kurt at all, and

I dont want to explain everything, because itll send me to a worse place than the one Im in right now, so Im not going to. All Im going to say is that it was completely horrible, and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Nothing that I said convinced him to stop. He just kept going as though I had said nothing at all. When he was finished, and I was laying face down on the cement that made up the surface of the roof, my

that, I assume he meant that what I didhave the thought and instinct that I should help Kurt by telling Doctor Bailey what happened to himwas a bad thing, and that I should be punished for it. Then he left. - 156 -

stomach churning, Dave spit in my direction and told me that I shouldnt have done what I did. And by

Contents He went back downstairs to his room, where he would sit for the rest of the night and then until morning, where he would come out after we all ate breakfast so he could eat his own. Just like he always did. I laid there on the roof for a really long time, not having the strength or the will to pull myself up. I felt the roof and puking, tears running down my face again.

sick feeling in my stomach grow, and I had the steadily increasing urge to vomit. Soon, it became too much. I stood up too quickly and got dizzy and ended up falling to the ground again, leaning over the side of the When I was finished, I wiped the tears and dirt from my face and stood up, not feeling any better. I went to stripping off my clothes like they were on fire. I got in the shower and turned the water on so that it was feel him, and I wishedand still wishit would all go away.

the door, barely noticing where I was going. I ended up in my room, closing the door behind me and so hot that it burned my skin and hurt, which didnt help me. I still felt just as disgusting, and I could still That was yesterday.

Today, I cant stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try, or how much I try to block it out, it always enters my head somehow. I proceeded with my normal morning ritual, so nothing seemed out of place I didnt talk to anyone. It was passed as normal because sometimes I didnt talk when Kurt wasnt there, or me. just because I didnt feel like talking. It happened often. I just ate. And I barely even did that. I wasnt hungry for anything because my stomach still felt sick, but I had to eat so no one would get worried about and no one would ask any questions like What's wrong? Did something happen? I went to breakfast, only

I went back up to my room via the elevator, and I saw the entrance to the stairwell down the hall, and everything came flooding back at an alarming speed, and I ducked into my room to hide from everyone so they didnt see me have a nervous breakdown over a fucking hallway. Unconsciously, because it had mind off of everything. It didnt help. become a reflex almost, I dug my short nails into my palms to make a small bit of pain flare up to get my

I started hyperventilating and crying, on the verge ofor possibly at the beginning ofa panic attack. I turned to my bedside table, where I had placed a photograph of Kurt and I, because this had happened before when Kurt wasnt with me and looking at the photograph helped me calm down. I picked up the - 157 -

Contents frame it was contained in. Santana had convinced Doctor Bailey to buy it for me as a birthday present. The glass was reflecting the bright morning sun that shone in through the window and showing my reflection as I looked at the photograph. I found myself not paying much attention to the picture that Santana took of Kurt and I in the courtyard sitting underneath the tree, Kurts head on my shoulder and our hands together. entertwined on his lap, and paying more attention to my reflection in the glass. I saw a boy who was slowly but surely falling apart, piece by piece, like a vase that someone broke and tried to tape back My hands were shaking so hard that I ended up dropping the frame to the floor, sending the glass One of them, a little one, cut my hand, and I held it up, looking at the blood that was beginning to rise to the surface of the tiny cut that the shard made. A small bit of pain flared up where the cut was. When I say

shattering across the floor in different directions. Shit, I said, getting on my knees to pick up the shards. small, I mean tiny, as in about 90% less than the dull ache I felt when I cut myself. It made me go back to particularly large shard that was lying right in front of me. Before I could talk myself out of it, I picked up few of the letters that I had written to my mother, knowing that theyd be safe there until I used them.

the state of mind I was forced to forget in November, and my eyes looked down to the floor, at a that shard and one next to it, another larger one. I opened my drawer and stuck the shards in between a Doctor Bailey came in then, asking what the noise was. I told her that my picture frame fell, and she noticed my current state and told me to wait for her in her office until she was finished cleaning up the I hid. She was gone for more than a few minutes, and I think she spent those minutes looking through my searched me for any shards that I could have taken off of the floor. She gave me a sad smile and apologized, telling me that its protocol. I nodded and left. wrote on my wrist after I relapsed for the first time. Courage! shards. I did, trying not to think about what I just did, and what I was thinking about doing with the shards

stuff to make sure I hadnt hidden anything. This assumption was proven when, before I left, Doctor Bailey

I keep thinking about what Kurt wrote on my wrist every morning after breakfast, the same word he

And I cant help but think that all of my courage is gone. I used to look at the word and be reassured, but have the courage to make myself refuse the urge to submit to pain to make my thoughts go away, I didnt - 158 -

now it did nothing. All it did was show me that courage was something that I didnt have anymore. I didnt

Contents have the courage to ignore what Dave said hed do to me and Kurt if I told anyone about what he did to us. I wish I had it, but I dont. I dont think I ever did. I wish I hadnt submitted to a different kind of pain to make my thoughts go away. But I had to. It was my only outlet. I went into the shower and used one of the shards, slashing cuts all across my torso and thighs and hips, everywhere that Doctor Bailey or Kurt or anyone else wouldnt be able to see because of my clothes. And now Im aching and burning everywhere because of them, and the pain isnt helping me not think about anything other than what happened yesterday.

I saw Kurt again today, and I thought about what would happen to him if I committed suicide tonight. Or tomorrow. Or ever. I thought about how sad hed be, and how disappointed hed be that I didnt listen to Im even thinking about it, because I dont want to do it. him. I thought about how disappointed everyone would be in me if I did commit suicide. I dont know why

But at the same time, I do. I very much would like to not be alive anymore. Id considered suicide before, but it had never been this great of a thought before. It isnt even that much of a thought anymore; its a questions of Why did he do it? and What could I have done to stop him from doing it? want. And the thing is, my motives are clear, but I dont know if Id go through with it. Id leave Kurt and the girls and Doctor Bailey and Doctor Green behind, and theyd be left with nothing but the never ending But for once, I dont care about that. I just want the pain to go away by allowing a new one to surface, one ever hurt me again. Maybe Ill do it in the morning, before everyone else is awake, so then theres definitely no chance that Ill be saved.

that would distract me from everything, and eventually take me away to somewhere where nothing could

I need to stop thinking like this. I want to stop thinking like this. But I cant do either. Because the thoughts

wont stop, no matter what I do, and its driving me insane. The thoughts about the rape, the thoughts times since I came to this place. But I cant help but have the state of mind that it could be an answer. That

about suicide, the thoughts about everything. I know suicide isnt the answer. Ive been told that so many it could take me out of the bad place Im in right now and take me somewhere so much better, so much nicer, and so much safer. I need to stop. Im going to bed, and in the morning Ill do as I normally do. Ill make sure no one finds out about this. Ill throw the shards in the trash, where they belong, and Doctor Bailey will never have to find - 159 -

Contents out about it. I wont tell Kurt about this, I wont tell Doctor Bailey about it, I wont tell anybody about any of this. Just like Dave wanted. Im making a promise to myself that Ill be okay. That I wont take my own life, that I wont harm myself again, because everything is beginning to set in and Im still aching and burning everywhere, and it isnt going away, but it feels soothing in more ways than one, and it is excruciating at the same time. I will be okay. I promise.

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Chapter Twenty-Four
July 3, 2011 I'm so sorry.

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Chapter Twenty-Five
July 27, 2011 My last entry was written in the morning, before everyone else woke up, just like I planned. It had been I closed my journal and left it sitting on the pillow, attaching a note to the front cover that read Read Me.

written over an hour before Doctor Bailey would arrive in the unit, and about forty-five minutes before

everyone got up to go to breakfast. When I was done writing out the entry, which only took a few seconds,

I made my bed and went over to my bedside table and pulled open the drawer, pulling out the bundle of drawer slowly and took a deep breath through my nose, swallowing as I padded to the bathroom. I closed the door softly behind me and stood in front of the mirror for a few seconds, staring at my reflection. I was pale and my eyes had dark circles beneath them, reflecting the amount of sleep I didnt get the night

letters inside and shaking them to jostle the glass shards so they would fall out into my palm. I closed the

comfortable spot so I could get to sleep. But when I did do that, I ended up getting woken up by nightmares that made the thoughts come back and helped me make the decision that I would use the shards in my drawer for what I originally intended to use them for. readying myself for what I was about to do.

before. My hair showed intense signs that I had rolled over multiple times during the night, trying to find a

I looked away from the mirror and walked to the corner of the room, sitting down on the tiled floor and At first, I just cut like normal. Only there wasmore, I guess? I opened my old scars and created new ones, and soon the red lines stood out against my skin to show that they went horizontally, vertically, and those spots were ones on my wrist that I was saving for later. I swallowed hard around the sudden lump (sharper) one and placing it right on top of the pulse point on my wrist. diagonally all along the inside of my arm. There was only one spot on each arm that wasnt marred, and in my throat and dropped the shard I had been using since the night before to the floor, taking the other I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, clamping my teeth down on my tongue to keep from crying out from the intense pain I was about to feel. I sunk the shard in, applying pressure (maybe too much, now that I think about it) as I cut across the surface of my wrist, feeling blood spill out and pain engulf me. Quickly, I put the shard in my other hand and did the same thing to the other wrist. I could feel my life - 162 -

flowing out of me at an alarming speed, one that I didnt imagine when I was planning everything out, and

Contents I could feel myself growing weaker as it did so. I closed my eyes and let the back of my head hit the wall something. I thought of Kurt, and how he used to hold me before I went to sleep, and how he loved the we were kissing and how it always made me smile, too.

with a slight clunk, waiting. Im still unsure as to what I was waiting for, but I know I was waiting for rain and the snow, and how his lips felt against mine when he kissed me, and how it felt when he smiled as Eventually, I fell asleep, not expecting to wake up again. But I did. I woke up in the ER.

I felt like I was resurfacing out of deep water. Sounds were muffled, my vision was blurred, and I only had be found until I was. But I didnt plan hard enough. Blaine?

one thought in my head: I'm alive. Why am I alive? I was supposed to be dead. I made sure that I wouldnt

I was snapped out of my thoughts by the sound of Kurts voice and the squeeze of his hand around mine. I looked down at our hands, seeing that there was gauze wrapped around the length of my forearm, and when I looked at the other arm, I saw that it was wrapped in the same way. I looked over at Kurt, who gave me a watery smile. Hey, he said.

Hi, I said, my voice cracking from not using it for an unknown amount of time. I was suddenly reminded of the promise I made Kurt long before this, when he made me promise not to hurt myself again. Before I could say anything, Kurt said, Its morning. July fourth. Youve been out for a while. in front of me. Kurt held my hand, his thumb absently stroking it. heart monitored? I wanted to say, Not long enough, but I didnt. Instead, I swallowed my retort and just stared at the wall What are you doing here? I asked. Arent you supposed to be in another unit of the hospital having your I got out yesterday morning. I wanted to surprise you, but you werent at breakfast, so I went upstairs and he didnt finish. - 163 -

Contents Oh, I said. Then it all clicked into place. OH. Kurt inhaled a deep, shaky breath and exhaled it out again.

I picked up your journal, Kurt interrupted. It made for great reading material while I waited for you to wake up. Kurt held it up for me to see, and I saw that my note was still attached to the front. Read Me. I swallowed. How far did you get? I asked. I stared down at my lap, and I suddenly took great interest in gown.

Kurt

how rough the beds sheets were, and how I had been changed out of my pajamas and into a hospital He did it to you, too? Kurt asked. His voice was so small. So you finished it, I said, my voice flat.

Im sorry, okay? I said, finally turning to look at him. My voice broke, but I couldnt help it. Im sorry that and

Blaine

I was going to leave you behind because of all that happened, and Im sorry that Im not as strong as you, Blaine, stop!

Im sorry that Im weak, and that Im a complete fucking wreck, and that I have no chance of getting the hell out of here, and BLAINE, STOP. Kurt raised his voice so that it was louder than mine and echoed all the way out into the

hallway. I closed my mouth and took in his horrified expression.

Im sorry, I said, my voice sounding as broken as I felt. I started shaking my head and clenched my eyes shut, trying to swallow around the huge lump in my throat. I couldnt, and I ended up choking out a sob, and suddenly everything came tumbling out. It was like something inside of me exploded, and I couldnt arms, my shoulders quaking with the force my sobs brought with them. avoid the fallout that came after. I was shaking, my hands tangled in my hair and my face buried in my I felt the bed dip, which told me that someone was sitting down on the edge of it. Scoot over, Kurt said. I did, and he slid in bed next to me, and I couldnt help but glue myself to him, my arms squeezing his small - 164 -

Contents waist as tight as they could without hurting him. I buried my face into Kurts bony shoulder and sobbed into the fabric of his shirt, my body not allowing me to hold anything in. Kurt held me, his hand rubbing up and down my back and whispering, Its okay, youre okay now. I must have fallen asleep, because I dont remember anything that happened after that. I just remember opening my eyes and Kurt not being there. Doctor Green was standing in the doorway. Why are you watching me sleep? I asked.

He ignored my question and instead told me that he and everyone else in the unit knew that something happened to Kurt and me, because had nothing happened, none of this would have happened. He told me unit, Id be placed under suicide watch for one week, and still watched closely after that. Questions? Doctor Green asked. that for the next few days, Id be kept here so that I could be monitored (AKA: watched so as to make sure I didnt tear out my stitches in order to try and kill myself again). Then, when I went back to the psych

Several, actually, I thought. But I shook my head. No, sir, I said. He nodded his head and left the room.

So for the next two days, I was stuck in the ICU, my gauze changed every day and the cuts I had that didnt killed me.

need stitches cleaned to make sure they didnt get infected. I had stitches on four different cuts on my left

arm, and two on my right. The ones closest to my pulse point were considered the ones that would have On the third day, I was allowed to leave. After I showered, had been given instructions on when I was supposed to have my stitches taken out and how to take care of myself so they didnt accidentally rip out or Doctor Bailey and they can take you down here and we can fix you up, okay? I nodded, and he patted trapped in for the last few days, but I didnt. I didnt want to look at what I had done to myself. me on the shoulder. I was allowed to unwrap my arms and free them from the gauze that they had been When we arrived upstairs, I didnt have time to even take four steps before I was being tackled in a bonecrushing group hug led by Kurt. Hi, I said when they let me go. any of them before they were due to be taken out. And if you do, the doctor told me. Tell Doctor Green

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Contents I thought we were gonna lose you for a minute there, Curly Sue, Santana said. You about gave us all heart failure. Sorry, I said. I looked over her and Quinns shoulders and saw Dave peeking out of his door, and I was frozen by an intense feeling of fear. Blaine, whats wrong? Quinn asked, her brow furrowed. I glanced at her, then back at where Dave was, finding that he had disappeared back into his room. You look like you just saw a ghost. expression. Doctor Bailey? Can Kurt and I talk to you? My throat was dry. Doctor Bailey was still standing next to me. She and Quinn were wearing the same Of course, she said, slightly confused. I saw Kurt swallow and give me a worried look that was barely perceptible had you not been looking for it. I gave a very light nod, and we started walking down the hall someone was breathing down my neck (for obvious reasons). Whats wrong? she asked. to Doctor Baileys office with her in tow. When we were all inside, the door closed behind us, and I felt like

I didnt know how to phrase what I was about to say. Im sure Kurt didnt, either. I bit my lip and said, Theres a reason that Kurt and I relapsed. She just looked at us. It didnt just happen. And then we told her everything. It all justslipped out. Her face remained in the exact same expression throughout. Kurt explained that he relapsed because of some of the things that Dave said to him, of which Id rather not repeat. I told her that I relapsed because cutting was the only way to get my mind off of what suicide. happened, and in the end, when even cutting didnt work to make everything go away, I attempted

When we were finished, Doctor Bailey asked, When did this happen?

It happened to me before it happened to Blaine, Kurt explained. At the time when everyone thought I was sick because all I did was stay in bed, it happened the afternoon of that first day. Doctor Bailey looked at me.

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Contents I inhaled a deep breath before speaking. Kurt told me about what happened to him the night before his The next morning, I walk out into the hallway to see Dave pressing Kurt against the wall with a hand over what he did to Kurt to me, and I didnt believe him. I paused. I should have. his mouth and a grip around his throat, choking him. I got him to go away, and he told me that hed do When did it happen? Doctor Bailey asked. Her voice was soft. I didnt look at her when I spoke, and instead looked at how my hands were wringing together in my lap. July first. When I was coming back up here from visiting Kurt, hegrabbed me and took me to the roof. Santana, Brittany, Quinn? I know youre out there. red. Were Quinn started.

heart attack, and Dave found out somehow. Or maybe he was just paranoid or something. I dont know.

We were quiet for a while after that. Doctor Bailey straightened in her seat and looked towards the door. The door opened, and the girls poked their heads in. Their faces were tear-stained and their eyes were

Doctor Bailey interrupted her. I know youre sorry. And Id advise you three to never eavesdrop on anyone elses sessions ever again. Do I make myself clear? They all nodded in unison, Brittany sniffling and rubbing her nose behind Santana. Now, Doctor Bailey stood up, walking out of the room and into the hallway. The door clicked closed behind him. Blaine, Doctor Bailey said. Did Kurt tell you anything that happened? About the attack? Not all of it but Not the attack.

lungs and or kick at any assailants that may feel the need to be attacking you. She nodded at Kurt and he

said. Can you please escort Kurt back to his room? If anything bad happens, scream at the top of your

Oh, I said, understanding. No, but he impliedthings.

Do you know how long it takes for a person to die via the cutting of their wrists? she asked. I shook my head. Should I?

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Contents No, but Im going to tell you for the sake of your knowing exactly why you are sitting in my office right now. I stayed silent. 105.4 minutes. Thats more than an hour and a half. What time did you wake up that morning? I dont know. Seven something?

What time did your suicide attempt occur?

I dont know, I said again, getting annoyed and uncomfortable. I rubbed over the gauze wrapped over my arms. Underneath all the bandages, my cuts hurt like hell. Im going to assume 7:10. Do you want to know the reason for this?

Not really, but Im going to assume that youre going to tell me anyway. She quirked an eyebrow at me.

Sorry. That was unnecessary, I mumbled.

You were ten minutes away from death. Kurt found you at 8:35, and the doctors got to you in time to stop the bleeding, give you the blood you needed, and stitch you up before you left the world. implied that he did, but I didnt say anything for a while, and when I finally did say something, it was, Kurt found me? I mean, he I think he should be the one to tell you about it. It isnt my story to tell, honestly. Why are you telling me all of this? I asked after a long pause.

She sighed. Because just by looking at you, I can tell that Kurt has done so much for you, and I couldnt believe he could add anything to the list. And lo and behold, he did. He did the best thing he could have immediately. done: saved your life. For the first time since I walked in, I looked at her. Doctor Bailey had a soft look in her eyes, looking sympathetic. I can promise you that Dave will be removed from the facility Will he be charged? I asked.

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Contents It depends. Do you want to press charges?

Yes, I said without pause or hesitation. I wanted that asshole locked up for the rest of his life for what he wouldnt get us again and wouldnt have to be afraid that he would. be pressed, and I definitely want him away from us, I added.

did to Kurt and I. He threatened us, caused us to relapse, which for Kurt caused him to have a heart attack, and for me caused a suicide attempt. He needed to be out of our lives forever, in a place where we knew he

I know you probably need Kurts opinion on this too, but I can assure you that I definitely want charges to Okay. Doctor Bailey picked up her phone from her desk and began typing things into it. You can go. I gave a slight nod and stood up to leave.

A few hours after that, police officers came to the unit. Two of them talked to me and Kurt, and we told made me worried about myself and my sanity, because talking about it made the thoughts come back, and try to hurt us. I didnt want them to be there. Dave was taken away, screaming obscenities and threats at us as he went. He had to be physically restrained by more than one officer so that he wouldnt break away from them and That night, Kurt and I slept in separate beds. This was because I fell asleep in my bed after dinner, and slept in his own bed.

them what happened. I knew this wasnt the last time that we would have to repeat our stories, and it

Kurt didnt want me to wake up with someone next to me, because he thought it would scare me. So he In the middle of the night, I woke up from a nightmare, my hands still tangled in the sheets and my throat sore from screaming. Blaine, whats wrong? Kurt asked from his bed.

I was panting, my heart racing as I felt the heat of adrenaline run through me. Nightmare, I said. Im fine. I rolled over onto my side and closed my eyes to sleep again, finding that it overtook me quicker throat and the now-familiar burn of adrenaline coursing through my veins yet again. Blaine, Kurt said. Come here. - 169 than I expected it to. I was only jerked awake again by yet another nightmare, the sore feeling back in my

Contents I swallowed and tried to compose myself as I got up and walked the short distance to Kurts bed, sinking down into it and sighing at the familiarity of it. I slipped the covers over myself and turned on my side so I was facing Kurt. His arm went around me and he started rubbing soothing circles into my back. my back. Eventually, I relaxed enough to go back to sleep.

Youre shaking, he said. I didnt say anything. I just breathed. Its okay, he said soothingly, still rubbing I slept through the rest of the night without any incidents.

The next night, the same thing happened. I woke up screaming, waking Kurt up, too. I eventually went into his bed every night, since it seemed to help. I havent had any nightmares since.

Kurts bed to sleep. After the third night of the same thing happening, I decided to just sleep with Kurt in

One night, I decided to ask Kurt the question that had been bothering me since Doctor Bailey told me about the things that happened after I was found. What happened? I asked. You can tell me.

He swallowed and wet his lips. I dont know what youre talking about, he said.

About what you told me when I woke up in the ER. You said that you were allowed to leave and you came were the one to find me, and if you had found me ten minutes later, I wouldnt have been

to see me first, and you came upstairs. But you didnt finish. Kurt was silent. Doctor Bailey said that you Kurt was shaking his head, and I stopped talking midsentence. Im sorry. You dont have to

You deserve to know, Kurt said. He took a deep breath. I went to the cafeteria with Doctor Bailey, who had just gotten in, to see if you were there so I could surprise you. You werent there, and the girls said answer, so I assumed that you were still asleep. I went inside and saw that your bed was made and you left a book on your pillow, but I didnt pay attention to what it was, because I didnt think it was important you werent in your bed or anywhere in the room, so I knocked on the door, and there wasnt any answer. - 170 at the time. Doctor Bailey had gone into her office by that point. I assumed you were in the bathroom since that you were still asleep in your room. So I went up there. I knocked on the door and there was no

Contents I was tensing, knowing what he was going to say next. I moved my hand to his so I could hold it, just to offer him some kind of comfort. His mouth quirked in a small smile at the touch. I immediately knew there was something wrong when there wasnt an answer. Because you always say something when someone knocks on the door, no matter what youre doing. So I opened the door, and you were just sitting there on the floor, slumped against the wall and bleeding. I remember screaming at the completely white, and she went over to you and knelt down, taking her phone out of her pocket. I just kept had a pulse, but barely, and needed immediate help. top of my lungs, and Doctor Bailey coming in to see what was wrong. When she saw you, her face when screaming no, no, no over and over again, and as she was talking, Doctor Bailey had to tell me to calm down. She checked your pulse and told whoever she was on the phone with that you were alive, that you She told me to wait there with you, and to wrap towels around your arms to help stop the bleeding a little bit. She had to wait at our door to lead whoever she called into the bathroom so they could take you to the stopped talking and just looked at me. I tried to follow them downstairs, but Doctor Bailey told me that I could wait in the ERs waiting room, but I couldnt go down in the elevator with you. Doctor Bailey waited for me outside of our room until I came out to go downstairs. I grabbed the book you left on your pillow, which I didnt find out was your journal until I started reading it. I followed the instructions you left. Read Me. ER. When they came in, I was told to go in the hallway while they took you out. The girls had come up by then, and didnt know what the hell was going on, but once they saw you being taken to the elevator, they

And I read while I waited. I sat with you until you woke up, even though the staff threatened to personally watery smile and shrugged. sorry.

remove me from the room. Doctor Bailey convinced them to let me stay, Kurt finished. He gave me a I wrapped my arms around his waist and tugged him close to me, hugging him. Im sorry, I said. Im so He hugged me back and said, You have nothing to be sorry for.

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Contents Ive said before about how grateful I am that I have Kurt, and Ill say it again. Ill say it until my voice becomes hoarse and even after that. In the months that Ive known him, Kurt has changed my life more than anyone Ive ever and will ever And Ill never forget that.

come to know for the rest of the time that I live. He has changed me and saved me in more ways than one.

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Epilogue
August 5, 2011 The trial against Dave was very long and very horrible because of how many times Kurt and I had to stairs to the roof, and after an allotted amount of time, came back down by himself, looking around to see if anyone saw him. Between the two different tapes, Daves behavior was the same. In each respective tape, Kurt and I stumbled from the stairwell alone, our strides stiff and our shoulders trembling. with this in mind, Kurt and I had trouble sleeping that night, and almost every night after that.

repeat what happened to us. Doctor Bailey hired us a good lawyer, and we watched footage from the security cameras that were in the psych unit. That footage proved that Dave did indeed take us up the

Dave was convicted guilty and sentenced to many years in prison. He wouldnt bother us again. But even

August 29, 2011 I almost always visit people at bad times. More so at times when I shouldnt be visiting them. I knocked on Quinns door yesterday to finally return her copy of Perks to her, because I kept forgetting to do that and door, and when she opened it, I held out the book. much. thought that it would be a good idea to do it before she got angry with me. I lifted my fist to knock on her I kept forgetting to give this back to you, I said. It was a very good book, and I see why you love it so

Are you sure? I asked.

She smiled and shook her head. Keep it. Consider it a very, very belated birthday present from me.

Yes, very sure. I only need one copy, I think.

Something caught my gaze in Quinns room, and I looked over her shoulder to get a better look at it. A suitcase half-filled with neatly folded clothes sat on the bed. I felt my face fall. - 173 -

Contents Quinn turned around to see at what I was looking at. I was going to tell you guys at dinner, she said. She swallowed and shrugged. My mom called yesterday. She said that she found out my dad was cheating on home for months now, but Ive had nowhere to go, so she couldnt send me off. her, and she kicked him out and wanted me to come back home. Doctor Bailey said Ive been clear to go But youre eighteen, I said. You could have just signed yourself out and gone somewhere by yourself. So I couldnt just up and leave and travel somewhere far, far away. And trust me, I wanted to. When are you leaving? I asked.

I dont have money to do that. All of my money that I had saved up is in one of my parents joint accounts.

Wednesday morning. I have to finish packing by tomorrow night. I must have had a pretty sad look on weekend, and Ill leave my number behind so you can call me and talk whenever you want. saw how sad I looked and asked, Did she tell you?

my face, because Quinn hugged me and said, Dont worry, Ill come back and visit you guys every other I went back to my room after asking if she really wanted me to keep her book (Yes, Im very sure.). Kurt I found out by accident, I answered, and explained my trying to return PERKS and seeing her suitcase better for a while and her family finally forgives her after almost two years, but Im still sad that shes leaving. I know, Kurt said. I am, too. But havent you read the book she just let you keep? Yes, you saw me reading it more than once. anybody.?

half-full on her bed. Kurt sat down next to me and hugged me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. Im

sorry, he said. I know how close the two of you were. I shrugged. Im happy for her, because shes been

Dont you remember the line that says Things change, and friends leave, but life doesn't stop for I didnt read it as thoroughly as I should have, obviously.

Remember Charlies words. Theyll help you get through this. I promise. - 174 -

Contents

August 31, 2011 Ive said goodbye to far too many people in my life. My mom, my dad, the rest of my family, the one friend I did have before I came to the unit, and now Quinn. Her mom had to sign papers with Doctor Bailey to finalize Quinns discharging, so she waited out in the hallway with us. She hugged all of us and said that shed miss us, hugging me a little longer than everyone else. Besides Kurt, she was the one I was closest to and discuss books weve read and movies weve seen. every other weekend, Quinn said. I promise. in the unit, and itll take some time to get used to her not being there to sit with me at lunch or tell jokes I left my number with Doctor Bailey, so that you guys can call whenever you want to. And Ill come to visit Then her mom came out of Doctor Baileys office and smiled at us, and then we all went down in the elevator to the front entrance, where we stood to watch Quinn leave. We waved at her as her moms car drove away, and she waved back.

Then she was gone. Everyone went back in, but I stayed standing in the entrance for a while. Kurt eventually grabbed my hand and said, Come on, lets go have lunch. And we did. After, Kurt and I walked around the courtyard for a while and sat under our tree until we had sad because she and I were close.

to go to therapy. Doctor Bailey asked me why I was so sad that Quinn left, because Shes going to come up

to visit you, and you can call her whenever you want. But she defended me, saying that I had a right to be I sighed and said, She was here the longest. Kurt came in after her, so hes next to leave. And Im starting to be selfish and not want him to leave. Doctor Bailey told me that it was natural that I was feeling that way, but I just think that Im turning into a leaving me. Of course I want him to get better, because he doesnt deserve to be here and have to suffer from the disease he does. I just really dont want him to leave.

huge asshole that doesnt want Kurt to get well enough to leave the facility, which in turn would mean

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Contents September 5, 2011 I called Quinn and told her about my thoughts about Kurt being the next one to leave. She told me that he might not be, that it could be me or Santana or Brittany. It only depended a little bit on how long you had been in the unit, and if you had relapsed and how long it had been since that point and how your recovery me. She told me not to worry too much about it. But that didnt stop me from doing so. had been since then. She said that it could be Santana or Brittany that got out next, not necessarily Kurt or

September 30, 2011 Quinn was right when she said that it wouldnt necessarily be Kurt that got out next. It was Santana.

Because she had only relapsed twice since being there, and because her recovery went so well, she got out rest of my condoms, so go fucking nuts. Kurt glared at her, but ended up laughing. and I laughed along with Kurt.

earlier than Kurt did. She left this morning, doing as Quinn did and leaving her number behind so we could

call her and promising to visit. She hugged Kurt and me really tight, whispering to Kurt, I left you guys the And she told me, Ill miss you and your Medusa head, Curly Sue. She ruffled my hair after she said that, Quinn still hasnt come to visit, and I dont blame her. Its depressing here. If I were to leave now, I update her on how everyone is doing, and she talks about how she since she missed half of her junior year

wouldnt want to come back (unless it was to see Kurt), either. We just talk on the phone sometimes. I and her entire senior year of high school, she decided to get her GED at a community college. She says she wished she could come and see us, but she doesnt have time to. Part of me thinks shes lying, because doesnt want to come and visit because the unit gives her bad memories. I know thats how I would feel. Quinn is very smart and it doesnt take her very much time to do school-related things, and she just

But maybe shes telling the truth. She said that she was free on Saturday, and would make sure her Saturday.

schoolwork was done on Friday night so that she would be able to spend the whole day with us on - 176 -

Contents

October 6, 2011 Quinn kept her promise and came to visit us yesterday. We ate lunch together and raced each other

through the corridors, which we eventually got yelled at for. But we had fun! And it was really nice to see she said, Psychology.

her again. I asked her how her GED classes were going, and she said that she was doing well, and planned

on applying for Yale and NYU when she eventually got her GED. I asked her what she was going for and You want to be a therapist? I asked her.

like us. I thought it was a great idea, because had the school guidance counselor at my old school been that would have occurred would have been slimmer. Quinn had the right state of mind in her choice.

She nodded. A high school guidance counselor, maybe. Hopefully. I want to help kids so they dont end up

nicer and more helpful to me, I might not have ended up here. I mean, I might have, but the chances that Then again, had I not ended up here, I might not have met Kurt. And had that not happened, I might have ended up killing myself sooner, and I wouldnt even be alive right now. But I dont know that, and I probably never will. And Im content with that.

November 10, 2011 Brittany was the next to go, oddly enough. Kurt was shocked by this, because he thought that she was bad enough that she wouldnt be able to live on her own. But her parents signed her papers and made sure sent back. Doctor Bailey knew that she would have constant care at home, and if any problems arose, she would be So far, shes been okay, because she hasnt come back. It was just Kurt and I left, and I could feel an ache one of us left first, we would be apart from one another, and I didnt want that to happen yet.

begin to settle in my chest at the thought of one of us getting separated from the other. No matter which

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Contents November 16, 2011 In the entire time that Ive been here (one year in ten days), I had never labeled Doctor Bailey as a miracle ensure that I was in stable in mind, and that will take longer than you think. She wasnt kidding with that one.

worker. She had told me in one of our early sessions that she wasnt, and that Id be here a long time to

But thats not the point. The point is that she didnt just give me help when I was sick, and advice when I family that cared enough to come and visit, so I didnt know who to expect.

needed it, etc. Today, she knocked on my door and said that there was someone here to see me. I was

confused, because if it was Quinn or Santana, she would have said their names. And I didnt have any A woman stood in the Lounge, waiting. She wasnt that tall, wore a navy blue dress and black heels, and had dark, curly hair that flowed down her back. She had a kind face and prominent cheekbones, and when walked towards me. It couldnt have been, but I had to check. she smiled at me, I almost fell over. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, growing steadily faster as she Mom? I asked, my voice coming out in a choked sound, barely making any noise at all. The woman

smiled at me, and up close I could recognize some of her facial features; the same eye color as me, the in front of me now, taking a deep breath and nodding as she swallowed. She smiled at me, and I knew that it was her as soon as she did it.

same long eyelashes, smooth, tan skin that was the same shade as mine. Mom? I said again. She was right

I launched myself at her, almost knocking her over, and buried my face in her shoulder, inhaling the scent of the perfume that she still wore after all these years. I was shaking and clinging on to her, and she held me as I did so, repeating, Its okay, Blainey. The old nickname only made me cry harder.

It was a while before we separated. When we did, we sat down next to each other on the couch in the Lounge. Ill leave you two tocatch up, Doctor Bailey said, nodding at us and leaving to go back to her office.

We sat there in silence for a while, not really knowing what to say. I broke the silence and said, I only have one question, and you dont have to answer it if you dont want to. And Mom said, And that is? - 178 -

Contents Why did you leave?

She was quiet for a while before answering. With a sigh, she told me the whole, long story.

My dad was verbally abusive to her--never physically--and all they did was fight. The night she left, they because of all the screaming that was going on downstairs. She had already planned on leaving, and that plan included taking me with her. But my dad threatened her, and she got scared, so she had to leave her car. She drove until she got to D.C., where she stayed for nine and a half years. Four of those years good use.

were fighting again, and I had a faint memory of being a kid and trying to sleep but not being able to without me. She left the house with nothing but her car keys, because she had everything she needed in were spent going to law school to become an lawyer. The rest were spent putting those years of school to I wanted to come back and take you with me, she said. I really did. But I couldnt.

How did you find out I was here? I asked.

Doctor Bailey was the one who located me, actually. I flew up after she called me and told me about you. I was taken aback at her statement. How did she find you? I asked. I think thats a question you should ask her.

was sure that the answer would probably end up hurting me. But it didnt. It did quite the opposite, actually.

Are you staying? Or is this only a week-long thing? I asked. I was hesitant to ask that question, because I

You see, I never really officially divorced your father. I didnt speak to him after I left. Not once. He didnt

attempt to contact me, he just let me do my own thing. And I let him do his. And obviously that included treating you like garbage. I thought that while I was here, I would take care of that, since my last name has back to school, or we can go back to my house in D.C. and you can go to school there. What? - 179 been changed back to my maiden one. Why not just get rid of the legal binding that your father and I are still currently bound by? And depending on what you want to do, Ill buy a house up here so you can go

Contents When youre allowed to be discharged, of course, she added. So youre staying with me? I asked.

Doctor Bailey told me everything that happened from the moment you came in to now. I missed half of your life, and I know that your father and all of his family is the main reason that youre here right now. I dont want you going back to him. And I dont want to miss any more of your life, Mom said. I could only nod.

I dont know how long it will take for the divorce to be final and for me to get custody of you, but I will see to it that it doesnt take longer than it should. I was beaming, unable to keep the smile off of my face. Have you told dad yet? I asked.

Yes. Hes aware Im in town, and Im surprised he didnt come up here to yell at me, to be honest. She promise.

sighed and stood up off the couch. She hugged me and said, Ill be back to talk to you more tomorrow, I I rested my cheek against her shoulder and closed my eyes, trying to take in this feeling of what my moms longer going to have to live with my asshole of a father when I left, and instead with my mom.

arms felt like, because I hadnt felt them in a very long time, and trying to absorb the fact that I was no But even with that in mind, I still feel a sense of doubt, because what if she doesnt come back? What if I way I was?

have to go back home to my dad when Im ready to be discharged? And what if I end up going back to the I dont want that to happen. Its the only thing Im absolutely terrified of. Because I dont want to go back to harming myself to feel better, because look where that got me. When my mom finally went downstairs in the elevator, waving to me as the doors closed, I decided to talk to Doctor Bailey. I didnt sit down, because I only had one question. How?

I made some calls. Did a lot of searching. It took me a month to locate her and a week to get a hold of her. - 180 -

Contents Why so long?

She changed her name. And she was busy a lot of the times I tried to call her.

I was about to leave when she said, I couldnt send you back to your father. I turned around to look at there.

her. I knew what it would do to you. I wouldnt have been able to live with myself if I sent you back Thank you, I said. Because thats all that I had to say. Its all I could say, honestly.

November 24, 2011 Mom came back to the unit every day to talk to me and to catch up on everything she missed. (Spoiler alert: It was a lot.) I told her about my coming out over Thanksgiving dinner almost two years ago, I told her about the bullying and the cutting and how I ended up here. I told her about Kurt, and about Quinn, and about me. Santana, and about Brittany. I told her everything. And she listened. And she didnt judge me or interrupt Youre okay with it? I asked, suddenly afraid.

I dont understand why you dont think I would be. Im supposed to love you no matter who you love. If it I would think that that was wrong.

happens to be someone of the same gender, then thats fine with me. Thats something you cant control, and I cant, either. Youre still the same person, you just like other people. I dont see why you would think I smiled. Thanks. That means a lot.

Thanksgiving in the unit was very much like Christmas was last year. Families were called and invited for a dinner in the cafeteria, and we ate with them. This year, I had someone to eat with that was actual family instead of adopted family.

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Contents Mom and I ate with Kurt and his dad and stepmom and Finn, and it was fun. We laughed and talked and had a good time, just like you should do on holidays. It was nice, having a family again. I forgot what it felt like.

November 29, 2011 Its been one year and three days since I was admitted into the unit. Its been one year and two days since I met Kurt. Its all felt like an eternity, though. Its been two days since Kurt started packing to go home.

He broke the news to me on Sunday, about an hour after Doctor Bailey told him. I just froze, not knowing how to react. Finally, I said, in a voice that didnt sound happy at all, Thats wonderful. But Kurt knew. Kurt read me so easily and effortlessly, like I was an open book sitting on a table in front of reacting, or how I would be reacting if I was capable of doing so. When he started packing, I just watched. When? I asked.

him. He hugged me, and I just stood there, limp and unable to think about how to react, or how I should be

Tuesday, he said.

I dont want to leave you, Kurt said immediately.

I know you want to leave, I said matter-of-factly.

Kurt didnt say anything. He just continued packing, pausing only for a few seconds.

You dont want to leave me, but you want to leave this place. I know you do.

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Contents Last night, when Kurt was finished packing, when all of his stuff was in the two suitcases he had, I looked at him with tear-filled eyes and counted the days Id known him in my mind, and remembered each event from each one of them. When he hit me with his pillow to wake me up on that first day. When he told me about how he ended up here. When he kissed me for the first time on the roof on New Years Eve. When he lunch ladies make me a special dinner for my birthday. When we made love for the first time. All of those things, because it all made me feel worse, but I couldnt seem to stop thinking about those things.

helped me find ways to not hurt myself. When he kissed me for real for the first time. When he had the things, flashing through my head at full speed. I swallowed and tried my hardest to not think about those Kurt pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head, but I pulled back and caught his lips, and when I tried to stop, but we couldnt. We didnt want to. (maybe more) since both of us were attacked.

put both hands on Kurts face to hold him there, I felt tears hit my thumbs. We were both crying, and we Its been six months and 11 days since Kurt and I made love for the first time. Its been about five months Last night was the first time he and I made love since the events that took place five months ago. When it was over, we were still kissing, holding onto each other like we were drowning and would die if we let go. Kurt just held me tighter and kissed my hair. Even when we separated, I couldnt stop crying. I said, my voice thick and broken, I dont want you to go. When I woke up this morning, my head was resting on Kurts chest, and his heartbeat was pounding right right in the center. I sighed, my eyes falling closed again.

in my ear. Kurts hand was resting in between my shoulder blades, his thumb rubbing in gentle circles Then I remembered what day it was. I swallowed hard around the sudden lump in my throat and moved so that my chin was resting on Kurts chest and I could see his face. He was looking down at me and he smiled a bit, but it didnt reach his eyes. Eventually, we had to get up and get dressed. We did, and then went down to breakfast. We ate in silence, the trees leaves fall to the ground and feeling the chilly autumn breeze blow against our skin.

because Im pretty sure if I opened my mouth to speak, Id end up crying again, and I didnt want to do that. After breakfast, we sat outside in the courtyard for a while, huddling against each other and watching

- 183 -

Contents Doctor Bailey opened the door that served as the entrance to the courtyard and told Kurt that his dad was here. He sighed, taking my hand as we stood up. I was taking deep, shaky breaths and repeating to myself in my mind, don't cry, don't cry, don't fucking cry.

But when Kurts dad had both of Kurts suitcases in the car and was waiting for him in the parking lot, I chucked my mantra out the window. Kurt hugged me as tight as possible, kissing my temple and telling me, Ill come for visits as often as I can. Dont worry. Im never saying goodbye to you. I love you, I said, squeezing him tighter. So much. I love you, too.

He pulled away and began to back away, giving me a sad smile, his eyes teary. He turned to walk to his dads car, and all I could think was, Don't. If you go after him, you'll never be able to let go. When he was halfway across the parking lot, my feet began to move, and I began to run, and I said, Kurt!

He turned just as I slammed into him, my lips meeting his in one last kiss before he left. We parted and Ill come visit, Kurt said again. I could feel his breath on my face. I nodded. And he left. stood there for a minute, breathing each other in for a moment, our eyes closed.

I watched Mr. Hummels car drive away, and I stood at the entrance for a while after that, thinking of the Kurt would do after he got home.

route that car was taking and what Kurt and his dad could be talking about on their way home and what Doctor Bailey finally tapped me on the shoulder and led me back inside. There wouldnt be group therapy anymore, at least not until someone else came into the unit. Because for right now, its just me. Im completely alone.

December 20, 2011

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Contents My mother and father are officially divorced, and my mother has custody of me. She told me this yesterday, because Doctor Bailey called her and told her that I would be able to leave the unit in about two weeks, maybe (probably) less. Mom and I talked, and I told her that I wanted to stay in Lima for right now, my own way and do what I wanted to do. She thought it was a good idea. because I wanted to be close to Kurt. If we decided to go our separate ways (god forbid), then I would go Doctor Bailey says that if Im lucky, Ill get to leave before New Years. And Ive never been happier.

December 31, 2011 Moms house is a small one, but a nice one. Its cozy. I have my own room, but she and I have to share a the Times Square broadcast and reruns of SNL, and Kurt and I sitting in my room doing whatever we want me last New Years.

bathroom, which isnt as bad as it sounds. She invited the Hummels here for a New Years Eve party with

us, which in moms eyes is actually just the adults sitting around drinking wine or something and watching to do (which is to be determined). I supposed itll be fun, but I doubt itll beat the thing that happened to

January 16, 2012 Because I got out of the psych unit during what would be my senior year of high school, I was permitted to and could make them up if they really wanted to. The only one who did was Kurt.

go back to school if I wished. The others also had that option, as they left school during their senior years I transferred to McKinley, and Kurt went back. Its weird, because everyone knew what happened to the both of us, where we had been for the past year (more than a year for Kurt), and I was constantly on edge because I was afraid we would get slammed into lockers or something, just like I used to at my old school. But everyone stayed quiet most of the time, as did we.

I joined McKinleys glee club, New Directions, and I found myself growing happier as I made new friends that were also friends of Kurts. There was Tina, an Asian girl who was very shy and very quiet but very sweet when you got to know her a little better. She reminded me of myself in some ways, because we both - 185 -

Contents kept to ourselves, mostly. We opened up around people we knew very well. Then there was Sugar, a tiny, sort of hyperactive girl with a big budget and no limits on what she said or did. I first met her. I self-diagnosed myself with Aspergers Syndrome, so I have no control over what I say, she told me when

Then there was Rory, an Irish exchange student who was a little hard to understand sometimes. He was nice to me, and didnt ask too many questions.

very nice, as was everyone else in New Directions. Everyone welcomed me with open arms and was very For once, I feel like I belong. And its a wonderful feeling.

February 16, 2012 I decided that I dont want to be a writer anymore. Dont get me wrong, I love doing it, but I dont feel like said that she would support whatever I wanted to do, and told me to chase my dreams.

its something I want to do for the rest of my life. Being in glee club made me come to the realization that

love performing and singing, and I feel like thats what I really want to do. I told mom about this, and she Im applying to NYU, and Kurts applying for a performing arts school called NYADA. He told me that New could get an apartment to share and live there during college instead of having to share dorms with other people. I still smile when I think about it.

York was beautiful, and that I would love it there, and that if we got into our respective schools then we

April 20, 2012 I received my NYU letter in the mail today, and I got in! Kurt applied not only to NYADA, but also to a

fashion school somewhere else in the city, because I love singing and performing, but I also love fashion. I - 186 -

wouldnt mind doing all of them, but NYADA doesnt offer fashion programs. He ended up getting into the

Contents fashion school. He came to my house with his letter, an ecstatic look on his face. Were going out to dinner with our parents to celebrate. Ive never been happier than I am right now, and I dont think I ever will be.

June 2, 2012 Kurt and I graduated last night. Together.

Its all very surreal, now that I think about it. One year ago, we were both in the psych unit and were on the brink of relapse. Now we were on our way to making new lives for ourselves, and leaving our old ones behind.

If you had told me two years ago that I would be where I am now, that I would go through what I have, I wouldnt believe you. I would think you were insane and trying to insult me. But now that Ive experienced it all, I would have ended up thanking you.

August 20, 2012 Kurt and I are in New York, still unpacking boxes in our new apartment (of which my mother is paying for

until we get stable jobs, bless her kind soul). Kurt was right; it is very beautiful here. Our apartment is

kind of small, but not too small to the point where its cramped. It has a nice kitchen and living room, and Kurt and I have a nice bedroom and bathroom, and thats really all we need. The bedroom has a nice view of the city at night, where we can see the lights of all of the buildings and the headlights of cars down below and the sun as it sets in the evenings and rises in the mornings. Sometimes we spend half the night once. staring at the moon and the skyline, trying to take it all in but failing because its impossible to do so all at But I usually get distracted by how the lights make Kurts eyes sparkle more than they already did. And I would put my head on his shoulder and wrap my hands around his arm, and we would stay there for a few more hours until we get tired enough to go to sleep. - 187 -

Contents And then wed do it all again the next day.

December 4, 2016 Sometimes it hits me at inconvenient times that Kurt and I have been together for almost six years. And how much I really love him hits me at even more inconvenient times. Sometimes I lie in bed at night, with Kurt sleeping soundly next to me, and think about what it would be like to marry him. Its legal in New York, and several other states now, too, and its the next logical step to take with our relationship. After work each day, I go to the store and look at rings. Its become a daily routine, really. Some have caught my eye, but not so much that I would buy them immediately after seeing them. just like we normally do, when it hit me. When we were having dinner the other night, all we were doing was drinking wine and eating and talking, I wanted desperately to marry Kurt, to spend the rest of my life with him until death was to take one of us nodded and tried to calm my racing heart down, trying desperately to not blurt out the question I wanted to ask. I took the afternoon off to make some calls while Kurt was at work. wanted your permission first.

away from the other. I literally almost began to choke on my food, and Kurt had to ask me if I was okay. I

First, I called Burt. I explained myself, and ended my it all with, I want to ask Kurt to marry me. But I Burt was quiet on the other line.

I love Kurt so much, and I want to take this next step with him. I want to do it so bad, and if you dont want us to, then fine. Thats why I called you in the first place. I was literally waiting for this to come up, Burt finally said. - 188 -

Contents What? I asked. permission.

I thought it would have happened about a year ago, honestly. I dont even know why youre asking for So thats a yes?

you should go for it. I love you like my own son, and Kurt loves you to death, so I think its only the right thing to do. Thank you, sir, I said, beaming and hanging up the phone.

Of course. If it feels like something you desperately want to do, and youre willing to do it, then I say that

Next, I called my mom. She answered on the second ring.

What service can I be of you on this lovely afternoon? she said. I need some advice, I started.

What happened? she asked, suddenly serious. Nothing, I justneed some help. Shoot.

I want to ask Kurt to marry me, I started. Before I could begin my next sentence, she practically screamed on the other line, BLAINE THATS WONDERFUL DO YOU HAVE A RING YET HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT No and I dont know, I interrupted. Thats why I called you.

You dont have a ring yet? she asked. No.

You dont know how youre going to propose?

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Contents No.

But you know you want to propose? Yes.

I think you should just do what your heart tells you, she said. I could tell she was shrugging. Do it when you think it feels right. As for the ring, I think when something catches your eye, snatch it up immediately. Youll know.

Thanks, mom, I said, smiling. I was reminded faintly of Doctor Bailey and the advice she gave me so "You'll know when you know," she had told me. And she was right. yeswhen you decide to do it! Love you! Love you, too, I said, hanging up. many years ago.

Good luck! Call me and tell me what he sayswhich is stupid because we both know hes going to say

a mug and hot chocolate mix. Kurt walked in the door, his nose and cheeks flushed from the cold. Hot chocolate? I asked from the kitchen.

I decided to continue my look-for-a-ring-each-day-after-work routine and went to the kitchen, getting out

Youre a saint, Kurt sighed, slipping off his shoes and coat. He sunk into the couch, groaning. I brought out two mugs of hot chocolate and set them on the coffee table, sitting down next to him and giving him a peck on the cheek. He told me about his day while he sipped his hot chocolate, and I couldnt help but let my mind wander, getting lost in his words and focusing on his face, thinking about days in the future when and tell me all about it, and I would tell him about my day. said.

we would live in an actual house instead of an apartment and Kurt would come home from work each day Kurt snapped his fingers at me and I snapped out of my daydream. Youre a thousand miles away, he Sorry, I said, shaking my head. I just have a lot on my mind, is all. - 190 -

Contents Kurt didnt question my excuse. He just sipped his hot chocolate and snuggled into me, and we stayed quiet for the rest of the night.

January 2, 2017 On the last night of the year 2016, Kurt and I went to Central Park. It wasnt as packed as I thought it somewhat far away). The moon was full and some people were already beginning to set off fireworks, and

would bequiet, actually, save for the commotion we could hear from Times Square (even though it was quite surprised that there was close to no one here except us. I could hear the sound of people talking and cars honking and music playing somewhere far off. I was

Whyd you bring me here? Kurt asked. We could have had a nice quiet night in with several glasses and maybe more than one bottle of wine and several movies to marathon. sitting outside when its cold and snowy out. I chuckled at that, and said, I thought we should do something different. And I know how much you love Kurt smiled. His nose and cheeks were red from the cold, and I felt the velvet box in my pocket practically burning a hole in my through the fabric of my pants. What time is it? I asked, impatient.

Kurt took out his phone and checked the time. 11:55, he said. Its almost time! get it wrong.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, going over my monologue again in my head to make sure I didnt Kurt, I started, opening my eyes. Do you know how much I love you? glittering flakes were getting caught in Kurts hair.

Kurt looked a little confused. You tell me every day, he said. Of course I know. It began to snow, and the I shook my head. No you dont.

- 191 -

Contents Oh, really? Kurt quirked an eyebrow and smirked a little.

I love this hair, I said, ruffling it a little, knocking loose and melting a few of the snowflakes that were caught in it. I stood up off the bench, holding my hand out for him to take. He did, and we backed up a little, our feet sinking into the deep snow. I love how perfectly your hand fits in mine, like its meant to be there. I love your skin, and how soft and perfect it feels against mine. I love your eyes and how they more than two seconds. and how perfect they feel when Im kissing them, like I should never stop doing so. Kurt was blushing furiously now, smiling and probably wondering where the hell I was going with this. change color sometimes. I love these lips I got up on my tiptoes and gave him a soft kiss that lasted no

I love how you can make me feel better on days that I can barely function and think about going back to

doing things I dont want to mention. I love how its always you that suggests we spend all day in bed

when its a weekend and we dont have anything planned and its cold outside. I love how sometimes when weve been drinking wine and were playing music that youll just take me by the waist and start that itll all be okay in the end. Blaine dancing with me in the living room. I love how youve convinced me that Ill be okay, that well be okay,

clapped both of his gloved hands to his mouth, saying, OH MY GOD.

I reached for my pocket. My shaking fingers picked the box out of it, and I got down on both knees. Kurt

I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Kurt. Every second of it. I want to wake up next to you every

day, I want to kiss you every chance I get, I want to be home when you get home from work to hear you talk about your day, I want to spend holidays with you, I want to go on long drives to nowhere in particular, I want to continue dancing around the apartment with you, everything. As long as its you. I opened the box. He was crying, his hands still pressed to his face. Marry me, Kurt.

He just stood there for a few minutes, and I got scared. Im sorI started, but was interrupted when as he kissed me. Yes, he said. I want all of those things, too. A thousand times yes.

Kurt got down on his knees in front of me, placing both hands on either side of my head, cupping my jaw

- 192 -

Contents I heard cheering, and fireworks began to go off. The snow was beginning to melt through my pants, too, making kissing almost impossible.

making my knees cold, but I didnt care. I couldnt stop smiling as Kurt kissed me, I could feel him smiling, When we got home that night, we did curl up on the couch and drink wine and watch movies until we fell asleep, just like we usually do. Kurt eventually asked me, his voice sleepy, Did you choose tonight because its been six years since we first kissed?

No, I said. And honestly, I didnt. I chose it because I planned on kissing you until the end of last year and until the beginning of this year to ensure that it had a good ending and a good beginning.

January 6, 2017 I did as my mom asked me to do when my plan to propose to Kurt was still in the works and called her. YOU DID IT?!?!? was her immediate reaction. You didnt think I would?

NO I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BUT BLAINEY THIS IS SO EXCITING IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU Kurt was sitting next to me, trying to stifle laughter.

Tell me how you did it! Mom finally said.

noticed how his face never fell short of happy. He eventually put her on speaker so I could hear, too. When Kurt was finished telling her how I proposed, she said, Whens the wedding? Um, I said. Havent figured that one out yet. rain on your wedding day is good luck!

Thats when Kurt stole the phone. WEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL. he drawled. I laughed and let him talk, and

OOOOH!! Can you guys have an April wedding? The flowers will be in full bloom and it might rain, and

- 193 -

Contents We listened to her talk about what date the wedding should be held on, and what we should wear, etc, for wedding. I knew we couldnt do ALL of it, but some of it would be nice. Dont worry, Kurt said when she hung up. Well figure it out.

an hour, not putting in any input, just listening. Because everything she said, I wanted to do for the

February 28, 2017 Quinn visited today. She flew through the door and hugged both of us, having received her invitation in the mail that morning, she said, I had to see you. She had moved out here before we did, going to NYU for her savings and a waitressing job, as she had yet to be hired anywhere for what her degree called for. psychology, just like she wanted. She currently lived in a tiny apartment by herself, paying for it through

We had lunch and talked about the wedding, and asked what (and who) we were wearing and where the wedding happened, and that we were going to spend our honeymoon at home, because we didnt really want to leave New York. wedding.

reception was going to be and where we were going for our honeymoon. We told her that the wedding was going to be small and simple, and that shed have to see what (and who) we were wearing when the want to go anywhere. She asked why, and we told her that it would cost too much and we didnt really Before she left, she beamed at us and told us that she was happy for us, and that she couldnt wait for the We cant, either, I said as the door closed.

April 24, 2017 The wedding was exactly like we wanted; small and simple. The only family of mine that came was my mother, because my father hasnt wanted anything to do with me since I went to pick up the rest of my found out I was marrying Kurt. The other family members I had didnt want to come, either. - 194 stuff from his house so I could move it into Moms house. Shit, he wanted less to do with me when he

Contents But I didnt mind. Mom was really the only one that mattered to me. Kurt had his dad and stepmom and make it to the wedding. Quinn, Santana, and Brittany were there, too, but Brittany had to be accompanied

Finn fly in from Ohio, along with his other glee club friends. Even the ones that didnt live in Ohio flew in to by her parents. That was fine with me. Other members of Kurts familyaunts and uncles, his grandmother, cousins he was close to, etcwere also there, but the ceremony was still small. We didnt have bridesmaids or a best man or anything like that. Kurt had the ring he was going to give me, and I had the ring I was going to give Kurt. When the wedding began, I took a deep breath and tried to not scream. Everyone turned to where Kurt

was walking down the aisle with his father, his head ducked down so he was looking at the floor, watching Mine was black, Kurts was white. He didnt want us to match too much. what was happening at that moment was really happening.

his step and trying not to fall over the long red carpet that ran from the front of the church to the door.

Kurt and I both wore black suits, with red roses pinned to the lapels and bowties sitting at our throats. Kurt finally stood in front of me, smiling at me. I smiled back, unable to wrap my mind around the fact that I barely heard the pastors voice when he spoke, like I wasnt there. He asked us to present the rings, and I did, and Kurt did, and we slipped them onto each others fingers as we repeated the words that the pastor told us to repeat.

Finally, the pastor said, You may now kiss your groom. and Kurts arms slipped around my neck, his lips meeting mine in an open-mouthed kiss that made me go somewhere else and think that we were the only people in the church. When we separated, the pastor said, I now present to you Kurt and Blaine Anderson-Hummel.

We walked back down the aisle, arm in arm, walking out of the church together. As a married couple. As a legally married couple. The reception was small, too. It wasnt anything too fancy; just a gathering of people who wanted to come and eat food and cake and dance. Fun stuff. Kurt and I stayed after everyone else left to help clean up. Well, we did for about ten minutes, until we were told to go home and enjoy ourselves (wink). - 195 -

Contents We got back to the apartment at about ten-something, completely exhausted and not wanting to do

anything but sleep. We did take a long, hot shower (doing nothing but showering) before collapsing into bed. How about we start doing the traditional wedding night things tomorrow morning instead? We can stay around each other.

in bed all day and not have to worry about anything or anyone and just sleep all day and be wrapped I like that idea, Kurt said. I like it a lot.

We fell asleep, but not for the entire night. I woke up in the middle of the night, shivering because the comforter was gone. I felt around next to me and found Kurt was also missing. I opened my eyes and saw outside and rain hitting the window. I sat up in bed and checked my phone for the time. 2AM. Kurt standing at the window, the comforter wrapped around his shoulders. I heard thunder rumble I walked up behind Kurt and asked, my voice thick with sleep, Do you mind sharing some of the warmth

that you wrongfully stole from me? He laughed and I snuggled into his side, holding the end of the comforter that was around me. We stood there and watched the rain hit the window and run down the sometimes roll through. Kurt leaned over and kissed my temple, and I turned my head so that I was facing him. glass for a while, listening to the sound it made when it hit the window and the thunder that would

I pressed a kiss to his nose, and his eyes fell closed. I pressed a soft, warm kiss to his lips. He moved closer the kiss, and we let the comforter fall to the floor as our arms wrapped around each other. My hands went about we forget what I said about waiting until morning? from Kurts shoulders to the center of his back, to the small of his back, and to his hips, where my thumbs

to me and kissed me again, a little harder, sighing through his nose as he did so. I inhaled and deepened dipped beneath the hem of his shirt and stroked the skin there. I broke away from him and said, How My hands had moved to the front of Kurts body, moving up beneath his shirt. Good idea, he said.

The next morning, we woke up tangled in the sheets and with the sun shining too brightly into the forever. You know that right?

window and into our eyes. We spent the rest of the morning in bed, doing nothing in particular. Mostly

just talking and exchanging kisses. At one point, I looked at Kurt and said, Now youre stuck with me - 196 -

Contents Kurt looked at me and said, I like you very much, so I dont mind.

June 14, 2019 I asked Kurt something thats been on my mind for a really long time this morning at breakfast. Have you ever thought of what it would be like to have children?

He looked at me with a sad look in his eyes as he swallowed his coffee. All the time, actually. Do you think wed be good at it? harder than if we adopted. Why do you think that? came into the unit?

I dont know. If they were to be our own biological childrenwhich Ive always wantedthen it could be

Anorexia and depression are hereditary, Blaine. Dont you remember getting told that when you first I swallowed. Is that the only thing stopping you? My voice was quiet.

I have to go to work, Kurt said sudddenly, finishing his coffee and getting up from his chair. Kurt

Im sorry, he said. He kissed me on the cheek and grabbed his stuff off of the coffee table to leave. Kurt

I love you! he said as he left the apartment. The door slammed behind him. I stood in the middle of the living room, suddenly feeling really stupid for even bringing up the lets have kids! subject. I sat down on the couch and put both hands on my head, running my fingers through my hair. - 197 -

Contents Im an idiot, I sighed.

January 14, 2020 I brought up the lets have kids! subject again in early November, and Kurt and I actually had a long talk about it. Wed have to get a bigger apartment. Or a house, he said. Wed need a surrogate, he said.

Then we came to an agreement. We called Quinn and Rachel, asking them to come over for an important We want to have a child, but we need a surrogate, I said simply. Thats why were here? Rachel asked. fine. discussion. They did, and we told them about our situation.

Yes, Kurt said. Youre our first choices for surrogates. If you dont want to do it, then thats completely I cant be a surrogate, Quinn started. Because I dont want to end up with a relapse of horrible postpartum and end up in another psych unit for an x amount of years. Thats understandableI said.

Quinn interrupted me. But I will donate you the eggs that you need, if youre okay with that.

And Im perfectly on board with being your surrogate, Rachel said. It would be an honor, actually. someone to talk to them about what we were going to do.

We asked them if they were sure, and they said they were, and we agreed to make an appointment with

- 198 -

Contents We decided that for our first, it would be Kurts. He was nervous about it, mostly worried about anorexia being hereditary, and not wanting to end up passing it on to his child. I know that its a disease that can be prevented by your own will, Kurt said. But theyll be at greater risk able to live with myself.

for getting it, and might have the same reasoning I did, and if they were to end up like me I would never be That wont happen, I said.

But what if it does? Kurt asked. We have no way of knowing. get better.

If it does, then well help them. Well do what we need to do to get them the help they need so they can Rachel received Quinns egg and Kurts sperm and was given treatments, and she called all of us up yesterday and announced that she was six weeks along. When we were laying in bed last night, my mind was still reeling. I rolled over so that I was facing Kurt, and I said, Were going to parents. Even right now, I can barely wrap my mind around it.

August 7, 2020 We decided to have Rachel stay with us in our new house during the last month of her pregnancy, so as to ensure that when she went into labor, shed have access to us and we could get her to a hospital in time. have in the house, really. She made Kurt and Is day a little better. she told us. She stayed in the guest bedroom each night, reading or singing or doing something. She was a pleasure to In the middle of the night yesterday, Rachel came into our room and woke us up. I think my water broke, WHAT Kurt and I yelled, sitting straight up.

YOUR CHILD IS ABOUT TO BE GIVEN BIRTH TO, Rachel yelled. GET ME TO A DAMN HOSPITAL. - 199 -

Contents We got up out of bed, not even bothering to put on actual clothes and going to the hospital in our pajamas. I drove, talking to Quinn as I did, and Kurt sat with Rachel in the backseat. When we got to the hospital, Rachel was checked into a room. When she was dilated enough to start thought that the bones were going to break.

pushing the baby out, I felt like I was going to vomit. She gripped mine and Kurts hands so hard that we But when Rachel fell back against the beds pillows, her hair sticking to her face, and we heard crying, her ready to start crying.

grip loosened. I looked at the doctors that were at the end of Rachels bed, and I they were holding our

baby up, saying that it was a girl and cleaning her off. Kurt and I kissed Rachel on both cheeks, getting Shes so tiny, I said as Kurt held her for the first time. He smiled and let me hold her. She was wrapped in a pink blanket, sound asleep. Kendra, I said. What? Kurt said.

Kendra Elizabeth Anderson-Hummel, I said. It has a nice ring to it, I think. Kurt smiled and said, I like it. I leaned over and kissed Kurts cheek, thinking about his worries that he had when deciding that we wanted a child. That we wanted Kendra. He worried that shed end up with anorexia later in life because it that were to happen. was hereditary. And I decided that if that were to happen, wed get through it. Wed help her get better if I had my own worries that I didnt voice to Kurt, and if I did, I dont remember doing so. I didnt want to

end up being a bad father. I didnt want to end up being MY father. I decided that I wanted to give Kendra time she needed me, no matter what I was doing. Because thats what a parent is supposed to do. I would love her no matter what, I would support her no matter what, all of that. Kurt looked at me and asked me a question that Id been thinking about myself for a really long time. What are we going to tell her when she grows up and starts asking questions about how we met?

everything that my father didnt give me. I decided that I wanted nothing more than to be there for her any

Lie, I said almost immediately. But only for a short period of time. Until shes old enough to understand. - 200 -

Contents And from there, I came up with the story of what Kurt and I could have been in high school, had we not ended up in the psych unit. While at McKinley, the New Directions went to Sectionals and Regionals, Dalton. where we competed against two other glee clubs. One of those clubs was an all-boys private school called I came up with a story that I went to Dalton, and Kurt went to McKinley, and we met when Kurt was sent named Pavarotti, and Kurt became attached to him. My feelings for Kurt grew and grew each day, past the feelings for him, and I needed to tell him. I did, and we kissed, and weve been together ever since.

to spy on the Warblers. Kurt told me that he was bullied at McKinley, and I suggested that he come to

Dalton, and we became friends. He did, and he joined the Warblers, where we got closer. I gave him a bird

friendship boundary and into something that I was unfamiliar with. Pavarotti died suddenly, and Kurt

went into the choir room and sang a song to bid him farewell, in a way. When he was singing, I realized my It was a clever lieone that could become novel-length if I thought about it enoughand one that would be told to Kendra (and any other children that we had in the future) for years until they were ready to couldnt stay home. She wouldnt understand. Kurt thought it was a good idea. hear the truth. I didnt want to lie to her, but we couldnt tell her that her two dads met in the psych unit when they were sixteen and seventeen, because they were depressed and hurting so much that they

Ive run out of pages in the journal that Ive been writing in since I first entered the psych unit all those years ago. My scars are almost completely faded, save for a few, and Kurts bones havent been visible in begun to yellow a bit with age, and Ive decided to put this journal away somewhere safe until Kendra is grow even yellower. years. It took time, but everything ended up better in the end. The pages in the front of this journal have old enough to know the truth. Ill allow the rest of the pages to yellow, and the already yellowed pages to When the time comes, Ill take it out of where Ill be keeping it. But that time wont come for a long, long time. For now, Kurt and I will raise Kendra on the story weve come up with. And if this journal happens to that I have taught you something. Love can be found in the most odd of places, and time heals all wounds. Time, and maybe a few friends that you make along the way. I wish for a long, happy life, and I aim to have one, despite my past. And I hope you do, too. - 201 end up in someone elses hands, someone that isnt Kendra, nor someone that I know personally, I hope