Tempering Times.

txt Tempering Times I dont know what possessed me to answer the way I did because it certainly wasnt what I thought Id say if ever asked. Whilst the question was one which Id rehearsed the answer to for virtually all of my 23 years every girl does and Angelo was probably the nicest man Id ever met, the answer was not the one I should have given. There was just something wrong about the way hed asked it. Why? I said with an apparently blank face so his friends told me later. Angelos mouth dropped immediately. There was a moment of his own blank expression before he broke it into a weak smile. Because I love you? That was it, he couldnt have meant what hed just said. He only asked the question because wed just made love and he, like all men, never knew what to say at that time. Besides, four years of seeing me was long enough and he probably ought to be moving things along wasnt that the way it worked? I wasnt ready. Id never been ready. I realised at that moment that all the dreaming of special days and mothers hats had been just a fairy story to convince girls that they were meant to be for one person. Crap! Getting daughters married was a mothers way of proving theyd done their job properly. The suddenness of my decision - brought about by the hapless Angelos inappropriately timed question even shocked me slightly; but then such moments of intense pleasure cannot be interrupted by questions of such mundane social importance. That was twenty years ago. Ive never regretted the answer I gave to Angelo. We didnt last very long after that proof enough that there was no longevity in whatever it was we thought that we had. Besides, he subsequently married some other girl within two years and they divorced four years later. He was ready for all of it. No, the path of unreserved impurity (well, as my Mother put it so poetically once) that I resolved to follow from that fateful day has just now started to vindicate itself although there were a few moments when I thought I might have got it wrong. The life of the singleton woman in the early part of the twenty-first century has been a good one for me. A good education (Thanks Dad) meant a good job, good money, and plenty of freedom. No particular man meant sex without boredom (and when I wanted it!), no children (they really just mess everything up) and no jointly owned assets (surely the reason why lawyers have so much fun when it all goes wrong!). I own my own property, I go on holiday when I like and with whom. So can anyone tell me what can be wrong with this life of mine? Doesnt it tick all the boxes? No one told nature that giving something back was the path to happiness. It was the invention of the weak to protect themselves (women have always been clever, see, but now weve been allowed to move on). It was freedom I wanted and freedom that I have. The millstone that is a man (they are just so uncomplicated), would never have allowed me the freedom Ive enjoyed. The moments of thinking I might have got it wrong were only ever associated with comments from other women oddly enough, men always say that they think I chose the right path (I Page 1

Tempering Times.txt guess its the one that most of them would have wanted for themselves had they not been brainwashed into thinking that children were a good idea and, surprise, surprise, the true fulfilment of a loving relationship). It could also be that some men would agree with my choice because it might signal their own availability not necessary because I always decided who was available. The comment that hurt most, though, was that I was letting women down; a hundred years of female emancipation should have meant that women should be able to have children, have careers and be equal. What did I think I was doing by giving men what they really wanted? a woman without any commitment requirements! You might well ask why I am reporting the success of my decided path when Im only apparently halfway through my allotted time on the planet; everything could still turn sour when men no-longer find me attractive and I struggle to retain my laissez faire attitude to sex apparently womens sexual requirements change as time goes on. What if I hit the glass ceiling? Firstly, men will always find some women attractive and if things get that tough then Ill pay for it, and secondly, sex, whilst having the potential to be pretty dam good, isnt everything. Finally I dont want to rule the world, which makes it unlikely that Ill ever ascend to the heights required to be thwarted by a man most men say the same thing once theyre old enough to have worked out their limitations anyway. So why now? Well, recently, sitting alone at home has proved to be harder than usual. I suddenly seem to have nothing else to do but think about what has happened. No, it didnt all go wrong in any of the ways I mentioned earlier sorry girls. But had I not said no all those years ago, then I guess it wouldnt have happened. If youre reading this without knowing me or what I was involved in then you probably wont have heard of David Mauger. Well, three weeks ago, I hadnt. It was just a date. He was a friend of a friend that I met when out to dinner a while back. He seemed OK. Good looking, about my age. It didnt take me long to find his number and facebook details. It didnt take me long to get him to ask me out. Well why not? It was a good dinner; the Oxo Tower on the Southbank. I wouldnt let him pay but I did let him take me back to his flat in the Barbican. We were only doing something we both wanted to do. It could have happened any time. There was only one thing I didnt like about him; the way he asked me to go away with him that weekend - because it didnt sound like he really wanted me to go. He didnt sound like he meant it. And anyway, he just shouldnt have asked me at that time. Whilst his request came very much as Angelos had; immediately after that moment of subliminal pleasing when men seem always to do one of three things go to sleep, get up or say something totally stupid for some reason it didnt make me as angry as it usually did. On hearing him talk at such an inopportune time I felt the same instant hostility that I usually did at such a juncture, but it was immediately followed by an inability to fire back a why?. Whilst there was no way I was going to say yes, I was stuck. And Im still stuck. Thats was two weeks ago. Ive seen David four more times since that night. Hes great. But being great hasnt changed anything before. Ive dated plenty of men for months (one lasted two years), and lots of them were great. But I was always in control; Page 2

Tempering Times.txt I was always enjoying the moment. Suddenly Im not in control. David decides where were going and who we see. He tells me what to wear! No one has ever insisted on me wearing that little blue skirt which shows off your legs and got away with it. I decide what I wear! So Im writing this after four weeks of having known a man because I suddenly think that I may have to give up my lifelong obsession with freedom and independence. Do I really think this? Is falling for someone about giving yourself up? To them? Is he just the man that Ive never met who would always have done this to me would I have ended up married to Angelo if hed been like David? Do I only feel the way I do because a woman cannot keep up a life like mine forever and nature has finally decided that my time is up? So many questions Can anyone help?

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