The Basis of Family

Unlike some other religions that consider celibacy a great virtue and a means of salvation, Islam considers marriage to be one of the most virtuous and approved of institutions. There is no monasticism in Islam. Further, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) urged all those who can afford to provide for a wife to marry, as marriage is the legal means by which to avoid lewdness and immorality. Since family is the basic unit of society, Islam lays great emphasis on the family system and its values. The basis of family is marriage. Islam prescribes rules to regulate family life so that both the spouses can live in tranquility, security and love. Marriage in Islam has aspects of `ibadah (worship) of Allah (God) in the sense that it is in accordance with His commandments that a husband and wife should love and help each other and rear their children to become true servants of Allah (God). Marriage in Islam is a social contract that requires the consent of both parties. Neither the bride nor groom can be forced into a marriage. The man must give the bride a dower or gift called mahr. This is usually money, but it can be any gift according to his means. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) even allowed one of his poor Companions to marry a woman with his mahr being a promise to teach her some verses of the Quran. The dower goes to the bride, not her family, and she has the total right to decide what to do with it. Thus it is not, as some critics have said, a bride price. The man also has the total responsibility to pay the household expenses. Even if a woman is wealthy, she does not have to spend any of her money on the maintenance of herself or the couples children. In fact, many Muslim women do work outside the home. They can contribute to the household budget if they choose, and they receive the Heavenly reward for giving charity, but they are not required to do so. Every group needs a leader, and Islam gives that responsibility to the husband because he is the breadwinner. He should consult his wife on family matters, but the final decisions are his. The wife should lovingly obey her husband, even when she disagrees, to keep peace in the family and to win the pleasure of Allah (God). That does not mean that she is his slave and must wait on him hand and foot. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) himself helped his wives with housework. Furthermore, if a woman had a servant before marriage, she has the right to have a servant at her husbands expense. A man and woman should enter into marriage with the intention of it being permanent, and Islam has many teachings on how husbands and wives should deal with each other lovingly.

Contrary to popular misconceptions, the woman has the right to choose her husband; Islamic law does not permit her to be forced into any marriage. The wife also has the right to retain her family name and to keep and manage her own money from her work, inheritance, investments, gifts or other sources. It is her right to keep her money separate from her husbands, and he has no right to it. While men and women should enter into marriages with the intention of it being permanent, Islam recognizes that people do sometimes make poor decisions or change. Thus, divorce and remarriage are allowed as a last resort after estranged couples have attempted to reconcile their differences with the help of family or other counselors.

Parents

(Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: My Lord! bestow on them Your Mercy as they cherished me in childhood.) (17:23-24). In the West, most children cant wait to reach the legal age and move out of the house. Parents are seen as a hindrance to ones freedom. Aged parents are seen as a burden that should be shoved onto the shoulders of a nursing home. For a Muslim, being kind to parents is much more than remembering them on their birthdays or Mothers or Fathers Day. Being kind to them means listening respectfully to their opinion and obeying them in everything that is not disobedience to God. For an adult child it means to see that they have the necessities of life and whatever more one can afford; to keep them under ones roof when they are elderly without grudge; to never speak unkindly to them or physically abuse them. Nursing homes are almost unheard of in Muslim countries. (And Alzheimers disease is also rare.) In an Islamic society, parents are respected for their wisdom and experience. Adult children might move out in search of work, but they still turn to their parents for advice and visit or communicate with them as much as possible. It is a Muslims honored duty to lovingly care for his or her parents in their old age. Parents sacrifice so much for their children when they are small; a Muslim is happy to return that sacrifice when his or her parents can no longer care for themselves. It is not a burden but a means of winning a great reward in Paradise . In many Muslim societies, the extended family lives together. As parents become grandparents, they may help in looking after or educating young children. And even when they are no longer productive, they continue to be loved and respected for their humanity, and for their wisdom and experience. A Muslims duties to his or her parents do not end when they die, for one thing that benefits the dead is the prayers of their righteous children. A man asked the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), Whom should I honor most? The Prophet replied, Your mother. And who comes next? asked the man. The Prophet replied, Your mother. And who comes next? asked the man. The Prophet replied, Your mother. And who comes next? asked the man. The Prophet replied, Your father. (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

The Relationship Between Men and Women

Let us consider some aspects of the Islamic view of the relationship between men and women.

In its view of family, Islam recognizes the woman as the mother, the man as the father. It is a partnership in which the man and woman share equivalent responsibilities and are entitled to equivalent rights. Islam enjoins Muslims to seek knowledge, and it makes no distinction between men and women. Fourteen centuries ago, Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said: The pursuit of knowledge is incumbent on every Muslim, male and female. This means that women have the same right to education as men. They are entitled to the freedom of expression as much as men are. Their opinions are taken into consideration and cannot be disregarded. It is reported in the Quran and history that women not only expressed their opinions freely but also argued and participated in serious discussions with the Prophet himself as well as with other Muslim leaders (Quran, 58:1-4; 60:10-12). In the Prophets time, women participated in public life, especially in times of emergencies. Women used to accompany the Muslim armies engaged in battles to nurse the wounded, prepare supplies, and serve the warriors, and so on. They were not shut behind iron bars or considered worthless creatures without souls, as was supposed by certain Christian theologians of Medieval times. Women participated in public life in the Prophets time Islam grants women equal rights to buy, own, or sell property independently in their own right. Their life, their property, and their honor are as sacred as those of men. If they commit any offense, their penalty is neither more nor less than that of men in a similar case. If they are wronged or harmed, they get due compensation equal to what men in their position would get (Quran 2:178; 4:45 , 92-93). Islam allows a share of inheritance to women as to men. Before Islam, women were not only deprived of that share but were themselves considered as property to be inherited by men. Whether a woman is a wife or a mother, a sister or a daughter, she receives a certain share of the deceased relative's property, a share that depends on her degree of relationship to the deceased and the number of heirs. This share is hers, and no one can take it away or disinherit her. It should be noted here that the normal share for a woman is half of that of a man in a similar position. This may seem unfair at first glance, but consider the fact that Islam does not lay any financial burden on a woman such as it lays on a man. For example in a family, the duty of providing for the whole family is on the father (or husband). It is never the responsibility of a woman to find the means to provide for herself or her children. Even if she is not a mother or wife, her maintenance is the duty of the men related to her according to the closeness of their relation to her. So a wife who inherits a share of her fathers wealth need not spend any money for her husband, for her children or for her own expenses. If she so chooses, she can donate her share to charity, for instance. That is her special privilege. For this reason, no injustice is done to women here. Islam also gives a woman the right to receive a dower, called mahr, at the time of marriage. This mahr is a gift of money or property that the bridegroom must give to the bride, not her family. This is a right of the woman, while she is entitled to complete provision and total maintenance by the husband. She does not have to work or share with her husband the family expenses, as mentioned before. She is free to retain, after marriage, whatever she possessed before it, and the husband has no right whatever to any of her belongings. As a daughter or sister, she is entitled to security and provision by the father and brother respectively. By giving women their rights, Islam makes it clear that women are not slaves to men, nor do they need to play mens roles in life to be recognized as humans or gain respect. In Islam, man and woman are intended to complement each other and to cooperate with, not compete against each other.

Children

In Islam, the rights of the child begin before he or she is even born. The child has the right to be conceived within wedlock, so Islam encourages marriage to avoid illegitimate children. The child has the right to life, and Islam forbids abortion except when the mothers life is in danger. The child also has the right to inherit from the father if he dies before the child is born. Islam gives children of both sexes the equal right to be breast-fed, and to be maintained, supported, and educated.

Even if the parents divorce, the children have the right to maintenance from the father. The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was a father, stepfather and grandfather who showed us by his words and deeds how to treat children. He held small children on his lap (and did not push them off in disgust when they peed on him) and hugged and kissed them. He never hit or verbally abused a child, but taught and disciplined children with kind words, gentle remonstrance, and gentle handling such as turning their heads away from evil sights.

Islam teaches that strong families are the basis of a strong society. That is why it forbids pre- and extramarital sex and discourages divorce. Adolescents are not encouraged to grow up too soon or pushed into relationships with the opposite sex. Young children as well as teenagers continue to receive love and guidance at home. In families and societies with strong Islamic precepts, it is rare to see the problems with rebellious teenagers that are common in the West.

Girls and Women

Sadly, in China, India and elsewhere today, female infanticide or abortion is widespread, and in many places girls receive less maintenance or education than boys. Islam forbids this and advocates the principle that a female is every bit as human as a male and deserves equal care. Fourteen centuries ago, Islam gave girls and women the right to inherit and to have a political voice. These rights were not recognized in the West until the nineteenth or twentieth century, putting Islam thirteen centuries ahead of it! Islam gives women further rights to own and dispose of wealth, to be maintained by their male relatives, to choose their husband, to be educated, and to work if they desire. Muslim women who cover see hijab as a right The Bible blames Eve for the fall from the Garden of Eden, with mankinds stay on earth and womens menstrual courses seen as part of a curse in consequence of that first sin. The Quran, in contrast, lays the blame more on Adam, and menses and labor pains are just a part of life, not a curse. Women are equal in humanity to men and responsible before God for their actions. They get no less reward for good deeds and no greater punishment for bad deeds. Many people criticize Islam for making women wear the hijab covering the whole body and head with loose clothing seeing it as a kind of suppression. But Muslim women who cover see it as a right. Hijab protects them from the unwanted gazes and ogling of men. A woman in hijab is more likely to be respected and treated as a person rather than as a piece of meat by the men she encounters at work, school, or in the street. Islam is often attacked for keeping women confined in the house or for not educating them. Such practices, while common in some Muslim countries, are the result of ignorance of or deviation from Islamic teachings. There are many examples of the opposite in the early generations of Muslims. Women attended lectures, worked in the fields and markets, spoke up to the caliph to correct his opinion, and worked as superintendents and administrators. They participated in the defensive battles as nurses and cooks, and as fighters when the need arose. Today Muslim women in many countries participate in their societies without feeling a conflict with their Islamic values. They work in nearly all occupations and are also active in non-government organizations (NGOs) and social service in their mosques and communities.

The Extended Family

In Islam, the structure of the family is all-inclusive. The first and the closest family members are the husband, the wife, their children, their parents. The next group, the central fold of the family, consists of a number of close relatives, whether they live together or not, who have special claims upon each other and who move freely inside the family. These include parents-in-law, uncles and aunts. The next group includes cousins, step-mothers, step-fathers and other in-law relations. This is the real extended family and the nucleus of relationships. All those relations who are outside this fold constitute the outer periphery of the family. They, too, have their own rights and obligations, as is borne out by the fact that a number of them have been included in the second and third lines of inheritors.