The Origin of the Universe

and the Peopling of the World

A Chigger Hilton Production

MAN
U
R
DUM
 In the beginning there was nothing

Nothing

In the beginning there was nothing. Then out of Nothing came Mrs. Garrett from "Facts of Life.” She
watched over Nothing for 1000 years. She began to think a lot about Nothing. She began to nurture
Nothing. She began to talk to Nothing, even giving Nothing little nicknames like “ nada” and “ zippo.”
Eventually she grew tired of Nothing. And she grew lonely. She yearned for companionship. She
wanted to multiply and sought the advice of an "epigenetic counselor” named Thatius Peter Guy, known
to his friends as “ That Guy.” That Guy told her that there were too many non-linearities in the diploid
genotype-phenotype map to make an accurate assessment of her offspring's health. He suggested
parthenogenetic budding. She took this advice to heart and paid him the previously agreed upon price:
some Indiana Drizzle Corn and a Matel Electronics “ Intellivision.” She then proceeded to engage in
pathenogenetic budding.

Our Supreme
Predecessor,
Mrs. Garrett

That Guy

Mrs. Garrettʼs payment to

That Guy for her epigenetic
counseling sessions: some
Indiana drizzle corn and a
Matel Intellivision
 The origin of the high court of aliens

Mrs. Garrett Bob Ross Tony Kronman Fry Daddy

Out of her thorax, Mrs. Garrett spawned three sib-clones: Bob Ross, the deceased painter from the
PBS television show; Tony Kronman, former Dean of Yale Law School; and Fry Daddy, the home
deep-frier that allows every household to enjoy fried foods (manufactured exclusively by Presto).
Mrs. Garrett, Bob Ross, Tony Kronman, and Fry Daddy comprise the high court of aliens. Mrs.
Garrett was happy now that she had companions in her life. The high court ruled over Nothing. They
discussed issues relating to Nothing. And they sometimes even fought over Nothing. The high court
of aliens was a family of sorts but all they had was each other and Nothing.

Nothing

The high court of aliens pictured along with Nothing

 The high court of aliens eventually agreed that discussing Nothing, watching Nothing, and even
fighting over Nothing was boring. Therefore, they created the universe. In addition to Nothing, the
universe contained stars, planets, asteroids, comets, and all that jazz. It also contained our solar
system and earth. The earth contained continents, plants, animals, bacteria--pretty much all life forms
as well as physical matter but NO PEOPLE AND NO CATS.

Nothing

The Universe
The universe contained stars, planets, asteroids, comets, the
earth, and all that jazz.

The first people on earth: Canadians

One day, the high court of aliens decided there should be people and their first task was to create
Canadians. The Canadians lived peacefully on earth playing hockey and apologizing to each other by
saying “ sorry” with a long “ o” sound. The Canadians prospered, multiplied, and developed cooking
techniques. The Canadians were the first people on earth. They lived happily in different types of
marital arrangements: monogamy, polyandry, polygyny, and hippie communes. It was a peaceful time
and Canadian society evolved autonomously without intervention from the high court of aliens.
 The roots of evil and the founding of Texas
As Canadian society evolved and grew more complex, inevitably a few Canadians turned to the dark side;
they turned into evil people. The names of the first bad Canadians were Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr.
Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton. These gentlemen were all overweight and they all wore white suits. They
have loyal wives who secretly disliked them. These men started to foment seeds of separatism among
some Canadians

Mr. Jones Mr. Sandercock Mr. Jackson Mr. Stanton

One day, Mr. Stanton was hunting in Saskatchewan and he came upon a young bull moose. He was
about to shoot the bull moose, when the bull moose turned to him and said, "if you spare my life, I shall
direct you to a land where riches are found." Mr. Stanton agreed. The bull moose said, "Gaze upon
my withers, you will see a birthmark which outlines a landform. Seek that land and ye shall prosper."
The birthmark was in the shape of Texas. Mr. Stanton noted the great shape of Texas in his fieldbook
and then Mr. Stanton, breaking his word, shot the bull moose. He returned from hunting and told the
others about his journey. Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton, and their loyal
wives who despised them, all moved to Texas along with other separatist Canadians. There they
prospered on oil and multiplied into white Texans. Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr.
Stanton were the leaders of the white Texans. The Canadians and Texans lived peaceably for a time
and each society went on to create things such as agriculture, lawn ornaments, and Broadway musicals.

A talking bull moose with

birthmark of Texas on its
withers. Mr. Stanton shot
this moose after the
moose told him the
location of Texas--an evil-
shaped region where Mr.
Stanton and other bad
Canadians could start a
new life.
 Indexicans, housecats, and the plot to control more power
The high court of aliens was not pleased that Mr. Stanton shot the talking bull moose. As
punishment, they created a race of people called “ the Indexicans” who would always threaten the
integrity and work-ethic of the white Texans. The Indexicans inhabited what is now present-day
Mexico. The white Texans enjoyed their land but were cursed with feelings of spite and scorn toward
the hard-working, effortlessly family-oriented Indexicans. Ultimately, all people on the earth are
derived from Canadians, Texans, and Indexicans, or some combination thereof.

The hotel room

in Dallas where
the four Texan
men plotted to
secure more
power from the
high court of
aliens
The Indexicans

As the white Texans grew in numbers, they also grew in greed. Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr.
Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton met in a hotel room on Dallas. There, they decided they needed to
secure more power for themselves and set out to bribe one of the aliens of the high court. After
some debate, they decided that Tony Kronman would be the most susceptible to such venal actions.
They agreed to bribe Tony with box seats to the musical "Cats.” This was a mistake. Unbeknownst
to both the Texans and Tony Kronman, Mrs. Garrett had secretly created housecats as a means to
keep track of the goings-on among Canadians, Texans, and Indexicans. Thus the Texans had bribed
Tony Kronman with tickets to a Broadway musical that celebrated the very creatures that were
designed to eavesdrop on Texans and others.

tickets

Tony Kronman
 It is common knowledge today that cats are "little eavesdroppers" who use their ears as antennas and
send messages back to Mrs. Garrett about the activities of humans on earth. The white Texans
implemented their bribery scheme, but soon after this bribery, most the white Texan men developed cat
allergies while simultaneously, the wives of the white Texan men developed a fondness for cats.
Chances are, if you are allergic to cats, you are descended from a white Texas male.

Mrs. Garrett secretly created

housecats as a means to
eavesdrop on the earth people.
Cats use their ears to send and
receive messages to and from
Mrs. Garrett.

The fundamental balance of power in the universe

As it turns out, the high court (except Tony) became aware of the plan hatched in a hotel room in Dallas
by Mr. Jones, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Stanton. The high court decided to let the
situation "play out" thinking that Tony Kronman would not succumb to such bribery, so they did very
little, except to create the cat-allergies to which white Texan men were particularly susceptible. Over
time, Tony Kronman was able to communicate with the white Texas leaders when they went hunting
because hunting involved men and dogs and not eavesdropping cats or wives. Tony Kronman told the
Texans that the reason they could not have all the power in the universe was that the high court of aliens
controlled the power and that he was pretty sure “ it also involves cats.” Later that week Tony Kronman
ran into That Guy outside a Chuck E Cheese. They exchanged pleasantries and then That Guy revealed
a secret to Tony: if you develop numerous locally-produced television commercials that advertise local
businesses, this will disrupt the power balance in the Universe. In essence, if there are more cats than
locally-produced TV commercials, good will prevail but if there are more locally-produced TV
commercials than cats, evil will prevail.
A fortuitous meeting between Tony Kronman and That Guy
outside a Chuck E Cheese leads to a revelation about the
balance of power in the universe

Tony That
Kronman Guy
 Several thousand poorly-produced 30-second TV commercials advertising local businesses were
developed by the white Texans as a means to control the universe. They featured products like used-
cars, furniture, Boat-n-RV expos, oil paintings, and local eateries. These commercials are often louder
than normal programming and tend to have pasty white men looking awkward while they make
exaggerated claims about service, experience, and quality. These commercials had the intended effect of
disrupting signals from the cat's ears to the high court.

Screenshots from locally-produced TV commercials made by

white Texans as a means to control more power in the universe.

The Great Sag: The first diaspora

As more locally-produced commercials were made, Texans began to control more power in the
universe and evil began to prevail. The high court of aliens met in Tony Kronman’s absence in order
to restore order to the universe and prevent evil from dominating earth. They set in motion a plan:
every time a Texan man watched a locally-produced TV commercial, he would become a little bit
impotent. This plan was quite effective as Texans watch a lot of TV. After several years of TV
watching, the Texan men could not make love to their wives. Some Texan wives became very
annoyed; some were overjoyed however. To combat their impotency, the white Texan men drank lots
of bottled water and also came to believe that impotency was caused by chemicals in the shed fur of
housecats. The fur was believed to enter into the system of white Texan men through their mouths,
ears, and eyes, thus rendering them impotent. As a result, the white Texan men ordered their wives to
vacuum more often, and during love making the white Texan men wore earplugs, shut their eyes, and
clenched their teeth. This rendered them poor, unemotional lovers. During this period--referred to as
The Great Sag--the number of white Texans began to dwindle as wives moved away from their
unpriapic, unsensuous Texas husbands and began to settle elsewhere.

Typical love-making face of a white Texas male

during The Great Sag. It is estimated the 14,000
Texan wives left their husbands during this
time and resettled in other parts of the world
 Saucer Doat-Hey and the Texas trade route
Impotency made the white Texan men’s sexual appetite dwindle. They
also lost interest in power and thus limited the production of locally-
produced television commercials. Cats began to become as numerous
as locally-produced television commercials and a balance between good
and evil was restored. Around this time a sagacious Indexican was
born. He was the product of a progressively-minded academic couple
who decided to hyphenate their last name. This individual was called
“ Saucer Doat-Hey.” He grew up and became the leader of the
Indexicans. Instead of power, Saucer Doat-Hey sought trade. But he
also sought revenge.

Saucer Doat-Hey has a hyphenated last

name because he was born to an
academic couple. He grew up and
became the leader of the Indexicans.

Saucer Doat-Hey sought permission to begin a trade route with the Canadians through white Texan
territory. The Indexicans planned to trade used auto-parts for corn and sugar-substitutes. Saucer
Doat-Hey approached Mr. Stanton and proffered that the Indexicans are ready to pay him 10% of
their trade-tariffs if the white Texans allow the Indexicans to travel through Texan land. Mr. Stanton
met with his elders, again in a hotel room in Dallas. Mr. Jones brought the poker chips, but Mr.
Sandercock forgot the cards, so the meeting is all business. They agreed to Saucer Doat-Hey's offer
but stated that the trade route must not come up through Brownsville-Harlingen, but swing West
toward the Texas Panhandle.

To Indexicans

To Canadians
Saucer Doat-Hey was ecstatic to hear their news. This is because he was secretly conniving with Fry
Daddy to trick the Texans. He sought to trick them because his father was pure Indexican but his mother
was a white Texan who left her homeland during The Great Sag. Saucer Doat-Hey was raised to be a
proud Texan by his mother, even though she herself had fled her homeland to live with the Indexicans.
Her actions confused Saucer Doat-Hey and eventually sowed seeds of resentment for Texans in the
young leader. After the trade route was opened and spark plugs, fenders, and steering wheels were
moving north and Splenda, Equal, Sweet-n Low, and corn were moving south, the Indexicans launched
their strategy. They opened a series of restaurants along the trade route that had the appearance of family-
owned, neighborhood-friendly restaurants. But they were secretly chain restaurants. Texans flocked to
these restaurants because they have family-appeal and are owned by family-oriented Indexicans. These
restaurants specialized in large portions and deep frying. Unbeknownst to the Texans, the Indexicans
seeded the drinking water with sugar-substitutes causing mild impotency among white Texan men.

A typical restaurant opened by the

Indexicans along the Texas trade
route. These restaurants were part
of a larger scheme of revenge, as
planned by Saucer Doat-Hey.

The Texas spell and Dave McGuttierez

When Tony Kronman found out about Fry Daddy's plan with the Indexicans, he cast a spell on the
Indexicans. The spell ensures that the Indexicans will never-ever be able to purchase reasonably-sized
amounts of food stuffs while they shop; instead they are predilected for eternity to always buy-in-bulk:
huge jars of Mayonaise, pallets of lunch loaf, four gallon jugs of half-n-half, etc. While this buy-in-
bulk spell is good for restauranteuring, it rapidly fills Mexican households with surplus food items and
thus has the intended effect of souring the Indexican people on Saucer Doat-Hey.

Indexicans are outraged by their inability to

purchase food items in reasonably-sized packages.
They begin to rebel against Saucer Doat-Hey
An brash Indexican named Dave McGutierrez begins to organize the Indexican anger into an all-out
resistance movement. He preaches from the kiosk on the corner, across the street from the Super
Sam’s Club. Indexicans loyal to Dave McGutierrez’s show their solidarity to his cause by walking on
their knees from Matamoros to Old Latrobe and back--a pilgrimage known today as The Mend of
Meniscus. Some of Dave McGutiuerrez’s followers, the “ McDexicans” as they are called, stay in Old
Latrobe, Pennsylvania. In years to come, these individuals will start a brewery called “ Rolling Rock.”

Dave McGutierrez (left) foments anger in

the Indexicans. As a gesture of loyalty, his
followers walk on their knees from
Matamoros to Old Latrobe

Dave McGutierrez convinces his followers to migrate into Texas to find jobs and homes that are
uncluttered by industrial-sized containers of food. The Texans are not exactly happy about this
recent influx but eventually they settle down and get back to their cigars, boots, and round steak.
Dave McGutierrez, meanwhile, has big plans. He seeks to become the leader of the Indexicans and
sets up several meetings with Mr. Stanton. More and more Indexicans begin to listen to Dave
McGutierrez’s rabble-rousing and Saucer Doat-Hey begins to get nervous. He immediately calls
Fry-Daddy on his two-way wrist radio. They meet in their usual spot, that red vinyl booth as
featured in the movie “ Gone with the Wind.” There, in the red vinyl booth as featured in the movie
“ Gone with the Wind,” they plot to quell Dave McGutierrez’s nascent rebellion. They finalize their
plan to permanently remove Dave McGuttierez and his McDexican followers from the scene. The
Ridiculous Promotion is put into action.

The red vinyl booth, as

featured in the movie “Gone
with the Wind,” was a
favorite meeting spot of
Saucer Doat-Hey and Fry
Daddy
 The Ridiculous Promotion and the peopling of southeast Asia

The Ridiculous Promotion, the plan hatched by Saucer Doat-Hey and Fry Daddy, consists of luring
Dave McGutierrez and the rest of the McDexicans to a distant land--what is now present-day
southeast Asia, Australia and New Zealand--with promises of cash bonuses and soccer-stadium
horns for their children. Several thousand flyers are printed and distributed throughout the
neighborhoods where the McDexicans live. These flyers promise “ A New Land, with lots of room
to stretch your legs and store your belongings…Act Now, the first 3000 participants will be given a
cash bonus, three soccer stadium horns, and a plot of land large enough to hold thirty cows or build
two soccer fields…Travel will be payed for by The Presto Group, a conglomerate of Fellowship
Foods, Inc.” Several of Dave McGutteriez’s inner circle see the flyers and convince Dave that the
move should be made. Dave ponders the move and eventually decides to move to the new land. This
migration, due to the Ridiculous Promotion, is one of the major demographic mechanisms that allows
for the colonization of the southern hemisphere. Soccer stadium horns are louder in the southern
hemisphere.

The Ridiculous Promotion, which

promised land, cash, and soccer
stadium horns to the McDexicans
led to the colonization of Australia,
New Zealand, and southeast Asia.

For some time after the Ridiculous Promotion there was a strange peace that came over the
world. The Canadians, Texans, Indexicans, and and the newly settled McDexicans all lived
happily. In addition to occupying North and Central America, other parts of the world were
colonized due to The Great Sag, The Mend of Meniscus, and the aforementioned Ridiculous
Promotion. Many of the Indexicans were generally pleased with Saucer Doat-Hey’s leadership
and to ease the curse of buying-in-bulk they bought sheds and out-buildings to store their bulk
food items. The different societies grew and evolved and inter-mingled, eventually developing
new technologies and agricultural techniques, as well as new ways to package food items using
shrink-wrap and wax-covered cardboard.
 The Begatment of Auru

Auru

begat
begat

Complex genealogy showing the relationships

between Mrs. Garrett, Bob Ross, and the
progeny of these two, Auru (pictured above).

For some time after the Ridiculous Promotion, peace availed itself to the earth people. This
was good but soon the high court of aliens became bored and started to think about Nothing
as well as the earth and the people that they had created. Since boredom leads to more
boredom as well as to malaise, the high court began to bicker and fight. First, Bob Ross
accused Tony Kronman of colluding with the Texans. Then, Tony Kronman accused Fry
Daddy of plotting with Saucer Doat-Hey. Then, a major bomb was dropped when That Guy
innocently sent a greeting card to the high court of aliens’ home, congratulating Mrs. Garrett
and Bob Ross on the birth of their first son, a diploid alien they named Auru. As one can
imagine, Tony Kronman and Fry Daddy went into a frenzy. Incest had been committed in the
high court: Bob Ross had sired a son, Auru, with his sibclone mother, Mrs. Garrett.

A greeting card sent

from That Guy to
Mrs. Garrett and
Bob Ross led to the
revelation of Auru
That Guy
 Auru’s many avatars
Before we discuss the incestuous actions of Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross, let us learn about their diploid
alien child Auru. Auru was a gifted and quite precocious child, happy to spend most of his time in the
garden burning ants with a magnifying glass, or stuffing a tennis ball full of matchsticks. Auru, being
born to the high court of aliens, was a special creature who had many avatars. Among his most common
avatars are Marc Bolan, Katie Couric, an air conditioner, any punter from an A.F.C. football team, and
Funyuns. He would spend days at a time in one of these avatars, either chugging away in someone’s
window, punting for the Seattle Seahawks, or sitting in the potato chip aisle at a local grocery store. He
was particularly fond of reading the CBS news every so often. Auru always knew he was special but it
wasn’t until he discovered his true purpose did he realize how special he was. But we are getting ahead of
ourselves

An air conditioner

Marc Bolan

Funyuns

Any AFC Punter Katie Couric

 The Volatile Stint

The incestuous actions of Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross did not go unpunished. Their actions
instigated numerous nonlinearities in the cosmological fabric. The entire high court was thrown
into a turmoil and both Tony Kronman and Fry Daddy felt deeply betrayed. Because each one
had sided with a different earth people, they each encouraged war among these groups. The
volatile stint was a very dark chapter in the history of the world. The Texans, spurred on by
Tony Kronman, declared war on the Canadians. The Texas Trade route was closed and
thousands of used auto parts were confiscated. As a result, Canadians could not fix their cars
and had to rely on animals for transportation. During this period Canadian Mounties were
created; the Mounties rode horses and patrolled the Canadian border in search of Texan war
parties. The Indexicans no longer had ample supply of sugar-substitutes and they had to revert
to using real sugar in their foods and beverages.

Photos of war
combat during
the Volatile
Stint

The Indexicans waged war on the Texans, such that the Texans now had a war on two fronts. In
response to this, the McDexicans based in Old Latrobe declared war on both the Indexicans and the
Canadians; the McDexicans based in southeast Asia and Australia also entered the war, siding with
the Texans. During this period, several new evil technologies were developed including mustard gas,
the Snuggie, plaid fabric, and digital watches. Many habitats were destroyed and few parts of the
world were spared as descendants of the Texans, Indexicans, Canadians, and McDexicans fought
with each other in all parts of the globe. In the high court, Bob Ross was not speaking to Fry
Daddy or Tony Kronman. Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross fought over childcare and school districts.

Plaid fabric and digital

watches were just two
of the evil technologies
developed during the
Volatile Stint
 Auru’s vision and plan for peace
At some point during the Volatile Stint, Auru took the form of the San Diego Charger’s 2nd-string
punter. He was sitting in the locker room listening to the postgame speech. San Diego had been
defeated 27 to 3 by the Baltimore Ravens. Auru had punted the ball three times during the game and all
three resulted in either touchbacks or were squib-kicks that had a very limited hang-time. He was
disappointed and distracted. He considered changing back into Auru or into another avatar like an air
conditioner. But instead he just sat there and half-listened to the coach. He thought of all the bad stuff
that was happening in the world: the wars, the lack of cats, the invention of plaid fabric, the sporadic trade
along the Texas trade route, the preponderance of locally-produced TV commercials. He also thought of
the good times, when few of the earth’s people were not fighting and coexisted in peace. It was an
endless cycle. Things changed but they never changed. It was the same shit, but a different day. At that
point, Auru glanced to his left and saw locker number 037. Scrawled on the locker door was some
graffiti. He looked at the graffiti and thought: things never change, folks continue to write stupid things
in public places. But then he looked a little closer at the graffiti. Someone had written “ MAN U R
DUM” down the locker door. Auru nearly lept out of his bench. Not-so-hidden in this phrase was his
own name “ AURU.” Further, Auru noticed that somone had written “ SSDD” and “ Yo Mama” and
also drew a rather crude penis. A light went off in Auru’s head. Auru felt quite silly for not having this
insight before. He realized that he was the genetic average of his dad, Bob Ross (the penis-drawing led
him to think of his father) and Mrs. Garrett (Yo Mama). Yet he was also a unique individual. He was
both unique and an average. In fact, everyone on earth was both unique and average. No wonder that the
more things changed, the more they stayed the same. SSDD clearly stood for “ same shit, different
day.” Upon thinking about all this, Auru came up with a plan to end the Volatile Stint and allow the
earth’s peoples to live autonomously without any meddling from the high court of aliens. All that was
needed was an agreement among different factions as well as a governing theorem--what is known today
as the SSDD theorem--that guaranteed that the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. He
began to laugh. And then he began to formulate The Laughable Agreement there in the Balitimore
Ravens locker room.

While an avatar as an N.F.C.

punter, Auru sees some
graffiti written on a locker
door in the Baltimore Ravens
locker room. It says “Man U R
Dum” but also reveals his
s
n co name: “AURU.” This leads to
o z
B r Fag
ar
e a revelation in Auru and he
sets about proving the SSDD
theorem. (see Appendix 1)
 The Laughable Agreement guarantees same shit,
different day and a balance between good and evil
Auru quickly summoned the high court, Saucer Doat-Hey, Dave McGutierrez, and Mr. Stanton. He
also summoned That Guy to act as a moderator. They all met in that red vinyl booth as featured in
the movie “ Gone with the Wind.” After they arrived, he spoke swiftly and somewhat eloquently,
“ We all agree there are problems with the earth’s people. We have created them, we have nurtured
them, and we have even played with them for our own amusement (he cast an eye on Tony Kronman
and Mr. Stanton). This must stop. We must let the earth’s peoples exist independently and
autonomously from us. I have a gained tremendous insight into a theorem--a natural law, if you will,
that will allow the earthlings to coexist from day to day, autonomously and independently. I call this
theorem ‘ the SSDD theorem’ It guarantees that earthlings will always be unique but in spite of this
uniqueness, nothing will change: people will never get brighter or taller or meaner or lazier. They
will just exist. I propose through a formal agreement that we let the SSDD theorem govern the
earth’s peoples and that we, the high-court of aliens as well as respected earthing guests (again he
looks over at Mr. Stanton, Saucer Doat-Hey, and Dave McGutierrez) cease our meddlings with the
earth people. The Volatile Stint must end. If there is to be war among the earth people it must arise
endogenously through them, not through us. We must stop our meddling. We must stop. We
must. We…” And Auru trailed off.

SSDD =
VS + theorem

There was a silence after he spoke. And then, slowly, everybody applauded. That Guy banged his
gavel on the linoleum booth-top and called for order. Everybody quickly hushed up. That Guy
asked: “ does anyone else have anything to add?” Almost simultaneously, both Mrs. Garrett and
Tony Kronman declared that they also felt that good and evil on earth should still be dictated by the
balance between cats and locally-produced TV commercials. That Guy thought about this
proposition and made a motion to add this addendum. To his surprise, everyone who was gathered
around the red vinyl booth as featured in the movie “ Gone with the Wind” agreed to this addendum.
Hence, That Guy banged down his gavel and spoke authoritatively: “ We are all gathered here today
to proclaim that the earth’s peoples should rule themselves autonomously and independently, without
any interference from the high court of aliens. The two fundamental principles that shall dictate
earthly activities will be Auru’s SSDD theorem and the balance between the number of cats versus
the number of locally-produced TV commercials. This meeting is adjourned. And with that,
everyone at the booth began to laugh and giggle. The Laughable Agreement was formalized.
 Mrs. Garrett Bob Ross Tony Kronman Fry Daddy

That Guy Mr. Stanton

Dave McGutierrez

Saucer Doat-Hey

Auru

Individuals present at the signing of The Laughable Agreement.

The meeting took place in that red vinyl booth as featured in
the movie “Gone with the Wind.” That Guy served as a
mediator.
 Civilization today
Under The Laughable Agreement, the earth today continues to flourish as well as to flounder. Good
things happen and bad things happen based on the number of cats versus locally-produced TV
commercials. New unique individuals are born each day but for the most part, not much really changes
in people from generation to generation, though trivial technological improvements occur from time to
time. For this is how it is to be. The Laughable Agreement guarantees it. The high court continues to
look over the earth but they have severed their ties with the earthlings. Auru continues to come to earth
in the form of Funyuns, an AFC punter, Katie Couric, but he is careful to not mess with the earth’s
activities. He just observes the same shit day after day.

The Universe Cats VS. locally-

produced TV
commercials

Auruʼs theorem:
Same shit,
different day

Nothing

The universe contains stars, planets, asteroids, comets, the

earth, and all that jazz. Good and evil is dictated by the number
of cats versus locally-produced TV commercials. People
remain the same, yet also change, due to Auruʼs SSDD theorem
 APPENDIX 1: AURUʼS SSDD THEOREM

A general outline of Auruʼs locker room insight

•Each human is the product of a unique set of genes due to
recombination, mutation, and gene-by-environment interaction.
However, each individualʼs genome is nevertheless the average its
maternal and paternal genomic lineages.
•Genes control traits and most traits, such as “work ethic” or “height”
are normally distributed, as shown by the Central Limit Theorem.
•Focusing on “work ethic” as a personality trait, we can measure this
trait in all the males and females on earth. We can assign a
numerical score to the trait “work ethic” where a lower score means
“lazier” and a higher score means “more motivated.” If we randomly
draw a male and a female from our population and mate them, they
will produce an offspring that contains a genome that is the average
of the male and female parents, however, this genome will also be
unique due to recombination, mutation, GxE, etc.
•If we continue to draw sets of parents, mate them, all sets of
parents will produce offspring that contain unique genomes but that
are also the average of their maternal and paternal genome lineages.
•Offspring traits created from a normally-distributed parental set of
traits will also be normally distributed. Thus for any trait, random
mating guarantees that the trait will remain normally distributed each
generation. Each generation, all personality traits for all humans
have the same average and variance. Thus nothing changes from
generation to generation: there are lazy people, smart people,
average people and so on…Every person is unique with a unique
combination of traits but each trait is part of a distribution and the
shape and moments of this distribution remain unchanged each
generation: same shit, different day. Or: the more things change, the
more they stay the same.
 Work ethic
A population of parents scored
for the trait “work ethic.” Pairs
of parents mate to produce
offspring. For each offspring,
the act of mating and
reproduction averages the
genomes of the paternal and
maternal lineages.
Lazy Motivated
Repeat with different sets of
Parent generation
parents: the offspring will all be
unique, but the distribution of
5.3 4.9 trait values of the offspring
generation will be unchanged
from the parental distribution.

The offspring then become the

next generation of parents.
They produce unique children
5.1
but their children have traits
that do not differ from the
previous generation. Same
Work ethic shit, different day (SSDD).

These graphs were produced using 10000 normally

distributed data points with mean of 5 and standard
deviation of 1. Simulations were conducted in which
pairs of points were selected without replacement, their
trait values were averaged (i.e., “mating and
reproduction”), and the resulting “offspring” values
were used to create the new distribution (which, as you
see, is also normally distributed). Note that offspring do
not have to be the precise average of their parentʼs trait
values--they can deviate slightly--but the sum of all
deviations (+/-) will, on average, balance out.
Lazy Motivated
Offspring generation
 APPENDIX 2: THE FUNDAMENTALS

•Nothing existed first. Mrs. Garrett from “Facts of Life” existed second.

•She spawned three sibclones: Bob Ross, painter from that PBS show;
Tony Kronman, former Dean of Yale Law School; and, Fry Daddy, the
home deep-frier from Presto. Mrs. Garrett, Bob Ross, Tony Kronman,
and Fry Daddy comprise the high court of aliens.

•The high court created Canadians, the first people on earth.

•The roots of evil exist because Mr. Stanton shot a talking bull-moose
after this moose directed Mr. Stanton to Texas, an evil-shaped region in
North America. Mr. Stanton, Mr. Jones, Mr. Sandercock, and Mr.
Jackson were the first Texas settlers.

•Indexicans were created by the high court as a means to constantly

taunt the white Texans. All individuals on earth can eventually be traced
back to either Canadians, Texans, or Indexicans.

•The balance between good and evil rests on the number of cats on
earth versus the number of locally-produced television commercials. If
there are more cats than commercials, good will prevail; if there are
more commercials than cats, evil will prevail.

•The Great Sag resulted in the colonizing of new parts of the world.

•Saucer Doat-Hey has a hyphenated last name because he was born to

an academic couple. He and Fry Daddy conned Dave McGutierrez to
colonize parts of southeast Asia and Australia under the Ridiculous
Promotion.

•Auru is the offspring of Mrs. Garrett and Bob Ross. Auru has many
avatars. The insight for his SSDD theorem came from graffiti on a
locker room door in the Baltimore Ravens locker room.

•The Laughable Agreement, governs all earth activities, and consists of

the SSDD theorem and the balance of good and evil.
 APPENDIX 3: NUMEROLOGY

Four (4): This is the number of aliens in the high court. It

is also the number of original bad Canadians.

Fourteen thousand (14,000): This is about the number

of wives that left their Texas husbands during The Great
Sag.

Twenty-oh-one (201): This is the room number for the

hotel room in Dallas where the four Texan leaders plotted to
obtain more power from the high court.

One thousand, one hundred, sixty-three (1163):

This is the combined weight of Mr. Stanton, Mr. Jackson,
Mr. Sandercock, and Mr. Jones.

Thirty-seven (037): This is the number of the locker in

the Baltimore Ravenʼs locker room. The door of this locker
was defaced with graffiti. This graffiti led to The Revelation
of Auru and his proof of the SSDD theorem.

Nine (9): This is the number of individuals present at the

signing of The Laughable Agreement.

Two (2): This is the number of knees that you have.

 APPENDIX 4: F.A Q.
Wasnʼt the shape of Texas a product of historical
contingencies, natural boundaries such as rivers, as well as
agreements between the U.S.A. and Mexico? No. The shape of
Texas is intrinsically evil. The shape was predestined to be what it
is today prior to any concept of land ownership, surveyors and/or
geology. The shape has something to do with moose genetics and
the ambient temperature in Saskatchewan. If you walk along the
Texas state border, you will find small “clues” that define its evil
perimeter. Look for oddly-shaped cacti, tumbleweeds, and spit-out
Skoal Bandits, each defines a bit of the evil border.

Iʼm Latvian, where do I fit into the picture? You are likely
descended from either Canadians, Texans, Indexicans, or some
combination thereof. DNA tests can reveal this but keep in mind
that you have over 1200 great great…grandparents if you go back
only 15 generations. You are probably a mutt.

How did Mrs. Garrett spring from Nothing? Basically youʼre

asking how did something come from Nothing?… no one knows.
This question will probably best be solved by science but the
epistemological limitations of science mean that we cannot also
rule out supernatural forces.

Shouldnʼt “twenty-oh-one” be 2001 and not 201? Probably.

What was the effect of The Great Sag? This was a major
diaspora of white Texan women. These women wandered into
other parts of the world and mated with previous colonizers in that
region. The Great Sag was a major migration that ultimately led to
the diversity of human beings we see today.

Rabbits also have big ears, do they use their ears as

antennas? No, you sound like a conspiracy-theorist.
 APPENDIX 4: F.A Q.

What time frame are we looking at here? The best estimate is

that the origin of the universe, which was created by the high court
of aliens, is about 12 billion years old. Earth is about 6 billion
years old. The origin of Canadians occurred about 200,000 years
ago. The date for the origin of Nothing as well as Mrs. Garrett is
unknown.

If what youʼre telling me is true, then how do we explain

Christianity, Islam, or even the scientific account of evolution
by natural selection. Christianity, Islam, Evolution and all other
explanations for our existence--either scientific or religious--are
false. The only true explanation what is given here.

Can the high court of aliens interfere with human activities?

Yes, the high court can do what it pleases. However, as dictated
in the Laughable Agreement, they do not interfere with human
activities, rather the balance between good and evil is dictated by
locally-produced TV commercials versus the number of housecats.
Auru overlooks these affairs. All other activities perceived as
either bad (e.g., global warming) or good (e.g., peace initiatives)
are dictated by Auruʼs theorem.

Why do the four white Texan leaders all look the same and all
of them look like Boss Hog? The resemblance to Boss Hog is
purely coincidental, as is their resemblance to each other. Their
wives who secretly despise them all look different, however.

Mrs. Garrett came from Nothing, I get that, but where did That
Guy come from? This is a great mystery, there have been many
hypotheses accounting for the origin of That Guy but none are
definitive. That Guy just showed up at the party.