Christmas Story

The skeleton for the following story, Bruce Hoyt, St. Johnsbury Academy, VT, appeared in "Chemistry", Vol 46, no. 11, The American Chemical Society, Washington, DC, December 1974, p. 27. Many thanks to Patty Evans, Wilson High School in Florence South Carolina for finding the original source. The following is a greatly expanded version. Note the assignment in the final paragraph. I suspect that there are many more elements here than most observers will imagine.

In a little back street in Council Grove, we find chemistry teachers Ebeneezer Schroeder, Ebeneezer Throne, Ebeneezer Finch and Ebeneezer McDiffett licking their tungstens with mercurial delight as they count their gold and silver collections from their students' fees for broken glassware. "Praise, O Dimium!" the Ebeneezers shout. "Poor Marie Osmium, usually warm and iridium, has collapsed and is lying phlatinum from our titanium final examination, yet we am not dysprosium to become good samariums. "Did you see the way she lanthanum on the floor after seeing our test?," asked an Ebeneezer! "Gadolinium!" exclaimed another Ebeneezer. Call a student government copper to lead her to her study hall." And in the prep room, Rubidium Cratchett Mola, local philosopher and lab technetium, a graduate of Berkelium Collegium in Californium, washes glassware in cold water while reading Kafka's "Investigations of a Dog". Rub is no Einsteinium, but he's not sodium either, and he does tend right to bismuth all the time. It's Christmas Eve and Rub asks to go holmium early. "You've got a lot of gallium," replies an Ebeneezer. I'll be frankium but firmium. Half a day's work, halfnium a day's pay." "That's all right," the mystic, Rub reflects, "I'm anti-money anyway." Late that night, the Ebeneezers awake to see the ghastly and palladium face of their departed colleague, Gregor Mendel, who ironically looked worse in real life. With Mendel leaving him, an Ebeneezer heard the ghost say " Iodide neon to a hundred and twenty years ago and since then I've gone out each night, trudgin around with those arsenine genetics tests that are as heavy and promethium as the rock problem. Long and protactinium is my argony. Mend your way, Ebeneezers!" Thus spake the genetic ghost this abromination and departed.

"That was very strange and ytterbium," thought the Ebeneezers as they dozed off. But another ghost who looked a carbon copy of St. Nickelous came to wake the Ebeneezers. Growling good-bye to their starving dog, Plutonium, the Ebeneezers grabbed the ghost by the sleeve, and rhodium off into the Christmas past. They flew all over Europium (to research Romium, Italium, then on to Polonium, making a raid on old girl friends that an Ebeneezer knew while he was in the Americium armed forces. There were Fluorine and Ruthenium, and a couple of great Scandium blondes. How he loved to pinch Lorine! What a foxy generation! They dined on stuffed boar - on corn on the cob, although garnished with herbiums from Indium. For dessert, they munched on tiny berrylliums from Germanium. Very tantalum. As they were feasting and flirting and fooling around as only the young and silicon, it occurred to the Ebeneezers that being mean old chemistry teachers isn't the magnesium of occupations. But the jolly old ghost scolded the proud and vanadium Ebeneezers for actinium up and took them holmium again. Then, just as their dreams were becoming mildly pleasant, the most prephosphorous apparition of all appeared and carried them off to view all sorts of ugly things which might come to pass. First, they saw Molly B. Denim coming out of that scavengering undertaking firm, Cesium and Barium , with Ebeneezer's favorite jigsaw puzzle tests in her dungaree pocket. Then on to Rubidium Cratchett's hovel where poor tiny Tin lay crippled; with his legs thorium and no way to helium. He was sulfuring and zincing into greater agony. "Oh what a cad me am!" declared an Ebeneezer, who wasn't much of a grammaratarian either. And with that they awoke new and nobelium men. With radium smiles, they swore to Xenon never to give so cerium a chemistry tast ta tiney Tin again. Agile and lithium, and with a manganous heart, an Ebeneezer sprang from bed, took out a new dimium and called the doctor to come over and curium Tiny Tin's leg. Tin was tellurium with joy and said, "Bless everyone, even mean old science teachers.
To complete this contest, find as many elements as you can (full names with slight errors in spelling allowed but no symbols, please!). Highlight the names in the story and write the atomic number of the element above the highlighting. Each person turning in a list will receive one point extra credit. The person with the most elements correct will win a bonus.