The Time Travelers

Pocket Guide
By K. Sekelsky
With additional expertise from: M. Bennardo,
Jeff Huber and Sanjay Kulkarni
The Time Travel Bureau Johnstown, PA
2011 K. Sckclsky
All rights rcscrvcd
Printcd in thc Unitcd Statcs ol Amcrica
All contcnt by K. Sckclsky cxccpt:
Preface (pp. 915) and So Youve Accidentally Revealed Secrets
About the Future (pp. 8687) by M. 8cnnardo
Proles in Time Travel (pp. 3235, 6467, 7880) by
Jc Hubcr
A Brief Introduction to the Intersection of Time Travel and
Romance (pp. 7075) by Sanjay Kulkarni
8ook dcsign, covcr dcsign and intcrior illustrations
by K. Sckclsky
No part ol this book may bc rcproduccd without writtcn
pcrmission lrom thc author, cxccpt in thc contcxt ol rcvicws.
First dition, Scptcmbcr 2011
!S8N 9780615518206
Publishcd by K. Sckclsky / Tc Timc Travcl 8urcau
Johnstown, PA
timctravclburcau.com
cdicatcd to thc luturc.
Preface
Te Rules
Preparing for Time Travel
Proles in Time Travel
Gordon Ratchford
General Time
Travel Knowledge
Short Term Time Travel
Proles in Time
TravelGizmo
Long Term Time Travel
Proles in Time Travel
Levi Strauss
When Trouble Arises...
Afterword
9
17
22
32
36
54
64
68
78
82
93
Table of Contents
PREFACE
preface
Preface to the Original Edition
Timc travcl is a dicult thing to writc about. ! mcanits a
dicult thing to writc about wcll. Vc all know that thcrc arc
shclvcs lull ol timc travcl guidcs availablc at any rcasonablc
bookstorc, writtcn with all sorts ol particular timc travclcrs in
mindthc budding bcginncr, thc busincss travclcr, thc long
tcrm rcsidcnt, thc acadcmic rcscarchcr, thc honcymooncr, thc
disastcr tourist.
8ut thcy arc drcadlul. vcry singlc onc ol thcm is
drcadlul.
Tc truth is that thcrc has ncvcr bccn onc rcally good
book writtcn about timc travclonc singlc timc travcl
crs 8iblc that can bc packcd away with thc shaving kit, thc
sunblock and thc cmcrgcncy lalsc muttonchops, and which
would scrvc lor cvcry situation lrom thc wcckcnd jaunt to
thc grand historical tour.
Tis is whcrc thc prclaccs ol most books would say
until now.
Tat is not what thc prclacc ol this book is going to
say. !nstcad, it is going to say, Tis book is not that book ci
thcr. !n lact, that book will ncvcr cxist. Tis book is mcrcly a
lairly usclul, hallway dcccnt substitutc. 8ut thats just what
youll havc to acccpt.
Tis is whcrc most rcadcrs would shut this book and lcavc
in hu, rcsolvcd to nd a book with highcr aspirations or
lailing thatto writc onc thcmsclvcs.
You arc, ol coursc, lrcc to do that. 8ut ! may savc you a lot
ol troublc by tclling you that thc Timc Travcl 8urcau cxccu
tivcs havc alrcady scourcd all ol history lrom onc cnd to thc
othcr, and havcnt lound anything bcttcr than this book. As
! said, timc travcl is a dicult thing to writc about wcll, and
apparcntly nobody clsc has cvcr succccdcd or will cvcr suc
cccd in producing anything bcttcr than this lairly usclul,
hallway dcccnt substitutc lor a guidc.
So you may as wcll scttlc lor this onc. 8cst ol luck in your
timc travcls!
T.V. Vinncrs
Prcsidcnt ol thc Timc Travcl 8urcau
PREFACE TO THE REVISED SECOND EDITION
!n thc prclacc to thc original cdition ol this book, ! cxplaincd
that it was quitc ccrtain that no bcttcr book on thc subjcct ol
PREFACE
PREFACE
timc travcl would cvcr appcar anytimc in history. Tis bcing
thc casc, somc cxplanation may bc nccdcd lor why wc arc is
suing a rcviscd cdition now.
!n short: !l thc book cannot bc improvcd, why rcvisc it:
And thc answcr, also in short: Moncy.
8ut this is not a casc ol grccd. !t is a casc ol ghting lor
oncs nancial lilc against lawlcss piratcslor no sooncr had
thc rst cdition appcarcd in print, thcn copics ol it wcrc tak
cn lorward in timc to a point whcrc thc copyright had cx
pircd. Vith thc ink still wct on thc pagcs, thousands upon
thousands ol chcap lacsimilc copics wcrc madc by thcsc dis
rcputablc litcrary timc piratcs, and wcrc thcn brought back
through timc and sold chcaply cvcrywhcrc.
Tc rcsult was that by thc timc our book wcnt on salc, cv
cryonc alrcady had a piratcd copy ol it. ! suspcct this may cx
plain why nobody has cvcr or will cvcr bothcr to writc a bct
tcr book than this oncthcrc is just no moncy in it.
8ut sincc thc publishcr rcasonably wants to rccoup thc cx
pcnscs ol thc rst cdition, !vc bccn askcd to bring lorth this
Rcviscd Sccond dition. Tcrclorc, much ol thc contcnt has
bccn changcd. 8ut, upon rcvicwing thc prools, ! am lorccd
to admit that this book is rcally no bcttcr than thc riginal
dition. ! kncw it must bc so whcn ! startcd, and now ! nd
that it is so.
Tis rcviscd cdition is still lairly usclul and hallway dc
ccnt, and lor thosc rcasons ! rccommcnd it to anybody who
docs not yct havc thc rst cdition in onc ol its many illcgiti
matc vcrsions. At thc rcqucst ol thc publishcr, ! also ask that
you look particularly in this volumc to cnsurc that it has bccn
lcgitimatcly publishcd by thc Timc Travcl 8urcau, and is not
a piratcd lacsimilc lrom thc luturc.
ncc again, bcst ol luck in your timc travcls.
T.V. Vinncrs
Prcsidcnt ol thc Timc Travcl 8urcau
PREFACE TO THE NEWLY REVISED THIRD EDITION
! havc put o writing this prclacc lor so long that ! am actu
ally standing in thc prcss room with thc typcscttcr, who has
draggcd mc hcrc lrom my occ to ll in this blank pagc at
thc lront ol this volumc.
! am at a loss lor what to say. Tc rcason lor this rcvision
is thc samc as last timc, and ! cxpcct this cdition to bc about
as succcsslul. For somc rcason, thc publishcr hardly sccms to
rcalizc that bringing out morc cditions ol this book is simply
throwing good moncy altcr bad.
! supposc thc Rcviscd Sccond dition did scll slight
ly bcttcr than thc riginal dition. Tcn again, !vc hcard
that it is somcthing ol a gag gilt in ccrtain cras. Tis is what
is known as kitsch, !m told, and is apparcntly a sourcc ol
much hilarity in somc circlcs.
PREFACE
PREFACE
ncc again, thc third cditionpardon mc, thc Ncwly
Rcviscd Tird ditionis dicrcnt lrom thc rst two, but
not actually bcttcr. ach ol thc rcvisions havc takcn a ycars
laborlabor pcrlormcd, ! might add, almost cntircly by
mc. For thc original cdition, ! had many cnthusiastic hclp
crs. Tis has not bccn so thc past two ycars.
Tcrc is somcthing Sisyphcan to this ordcal. !t is a strangc
cxpcricncc to bc taskcd with continually rcvising a book that
! know was impcrlcct to bcgin with, but which cannot bc
improvcd in any way. ! hardly know how to cxplain what it
docs to mans soul.
8ut thc typcscttcr tclls mc wc havc llcd thc wantcd pagc.
ncc again, bcst ol luck, ctc.
T.V. Vinncrs
Prcsidcnt ol thc Timc Travcl 8urcau
PREFACE TO THE AUTHORITATIVE FOURTH EDITION
! havc almost bccn looking lorward to this Authoritativc
Fourth dition, simply lor thc opportunity ol corrccting thc
imprcssion which ! lcar thc prclacc to thc Ncwly Rcviscd
Tird dition may havc givcn.
Tat prclacc, you will rccall, was writtcn at thc clbow ol
thc typcscttcr altcr bcing draggcd into thc prcss room mo
mcnts bclorc thc book was printcd. !t was thc product ol an
cxhaustcd mind, and thcrc was ncccssarily ncvcr an opportu
nity to changc thc wording or soltcn thc tonc.
! am happy to rcport that ! havc takcn a vacation and
havc comc to scc a ccrtain silvcr lining to what looks to bc
a prcdicamcnt that may last thc rcst ol my lilc. vcn il this
work ol constant rcvision is not particularly rcwarding or
stimulating, it is at lcast stcady and not too dicult. Tc
strcss ! lclt whilc compiling thc Ncwly Rcviscd Tird di
tion camc, ! bclicvc, largcly lrom two ycars ol lailcd attcmpts
to somchow makc thc book bcttcr.
! am not trying to do that anymorc.
!nstcad, ! havc happily scttlcd down to a lilc ol rcvising
this guidc oncc a ycar whilc trying not to makc it noticcably
worsc than it alrcady is. To that cnd, ! havc bclorc mc thc list
ol guiding principlcs that thc Timc Travcl 8urcau draltcd
thosc ycars ago whcn wc rst sct about this work, and which
! havc strivcn to uphold. Tcy arc:
o not make the book confusing: Vc all know that timc
travcl works. Tcrc is no morc scnsc in cxplaining how it
works in a book likc this than thcrc is in cxplaining how an
airplanc works in a guidcbook about Swcdcn.
o not make the book impractical: Kccp thc scctions short
and clcar so thcy can bc rclcrrcd to by thc timc travclcr on
thc go. Vhcrc possiblc, includc practical instructions.
PREFACE
PREFACE
o not make the book boring: No singlc book can possi
bly covcr cvcry contingcncy or cvcry dctail ol all history, nor
would anybody want to rcad such a book. Stick to thc basics,
or thc intcrcsting sidclincs.
o not make the book terrifying: Tcrc is littlc to bc gaincd
by dwclling on latal paradoxcs which will crasc thc callous
timc travclcr lrom cxistcncc. Tc kinds ol scnsiblc, cautious
pcoplc who would naturally avoid such things cvcn with
out warnings will just bc scarcd o cvcr trying timc trav
cl. Mcanwhilc, thc othcr kind ol pcoplc will shortly bccomc
a nonissuc.
8cst ol luck in your continucd timc travcls, and ! hopc to
writc to you again ncxt ycar!
T.V. Vinncrs
Prcsidcnt ol thc Timc Travcl 8urcau
April 20, 1889. Come on guys. Stop trying to kill baby Hitler. Hes a BABY.
The Rules
Disclaimer
Tc rulcs you will rcad in this chaptcr arc in accordancc with
thc !ntcrtcmporal Congrcss on Timc Travcl, 6612 A.. !t is
important to notc that in your travcls, you may comc across
timc travclcrs lrom carlicr ycars who havc not yct adopt
cd thcsc rulcs. Although thc othcr travclcrs rulcs may sccm
primitivc, unncccssary or complctcly silly to you, it is impor
tant to bc undcrstanding and not try to changc thc natural
dcvclopmcnt ol thc cial Timc Travcl Rulcs and Guidc
lincs. Tat is to say, cvcn il you comc across thc cunning
Caltcch studcnts who rst loraycd into thc cld ol timc trav
cl, you should not try to dissuadc thcm lrom abandoning thc
dcans hovcrcar on Pangaca.
The Rules
Rules and Guidelines
Vhcthcr yourc hopping in your rst timc machinc or youvc
bccn around thc spacctimc continuum a lcw timcs, its al
ways good to rcvicw thc rulcs lor timc travcl. Tc lollowing
lcw pagcs contain somc ol thc most common and gcncral
rulcs. Tcy arc not all writtcn into law, but most could po
tcntially causc unplcasant paradoxcs and univcrsccollapsing
situations.
Do Not
Start a religion: !t is unlortunatc that this rulc always nccds
to bc listcd rst, but it docs. Please stop doing this. vcn il
you arc not cxccutcd by your (scnsiblc) doubtcrs, yourc just
going to cnd up causing wars.
Convince native persons that you are a deity in their existing
religion: !t sccms thc abovc rulc was not spccic cnough.
Conceive children with people from other eras: Tc cnsuing
custody battlcs arc simply not worth dcaling with.
Publicly proclaim that youre a time traveler: At lcast not in
thc past. Pcoplc will think you arc crazy. And cvcn il yourc
The Rules
bclicvcd, you will no doubt bc torturcd into rcvcaling luturc
sccrcts.
Travel when sick with a contagious illness: Unlcss yourc
travcling to a ycar that has a curc.
Transport animals to a time when they are extinct or before
they existed: !t docs not mattcr il thcyrc xcd or il you only
takc onc.
Kill people: Rcally, you shouldnt kill anyonc cvcr. 8ut its cs
pccially important whcn yourc timc travcling.
Ispecially babies: Ycs, this in
cludcs 8aby Hitlcr. Many simu
lations ol this sccnario havc bccn
run and in cvcry onc, Mr. and
Mrs. Hitlcr havc anothcr son
ictcr Hitlcrwho is way worsc.
Stop crimes from being
committed: Vhilc most pcoplc
likc to think ol thcmsclvcs as hc
rocs, this tcnds to causc timc travcl
trac jams and cxtrcmc conlusion within lcgal systcms.
Attempt to correct history textbooks and academic arti-
cles from the past: Vc all know that timc is lull ol historical
documcntation that is lactually incorrcct. Tc arthisbal
Baby Hitler. Do not kill.
The Rules
anccdonaturtlcsback thcory, thc Var ol 2760 was won
by thc robots, ctc. 8ut humanity must corrcct thcsc crrors in
pcrccption in its own timc.
Become famous: 8cing lamous in your own homc cra is nc,
but try to avoid making a namc lor yourscll in thc past or lu
turc. !l you do this by accidcnt, at lcast try to kccp lrom do
ing so in a second cra. Vc all know what happcncd whcn thc
world lound out that Ron Jcrcmy and 8alzac arc thc samc
pcrson.
Do
Obey the laws of the era youre in as well as the laws of your
original location: Vhcn laws arc contradictory, usc your bcst
judgmcnt and do whatcvcr makcs you lcss ol a jcrk.
Collect souvenirs from other eras: Souvcnirs must, ol coursc,
not bc obtaincd by any illcgal mcans.

Iducate yourself on the eras you will be traveling to: Tings

such as clothing stylc, lood availability, unlamiliar laws and
socictal prcjudiccs arc all important to know ahcad ol timc.
Plcasc notc that whilc you arc ablc to transport alcohol through timc, it will not instantly agc
whcn you takc it to thc luturc. Tc samc applics to thc aging ol chccsc and thc ycllowing ol
quaint cphcmcra.
The Rules
Things you Should Not take with you from other eras
Humans native to the era: Ycp, this also includcs 8aby Hit
lcr. You may think you can takc him to anothcr cra and,
with your cxpcrt parcnting skills, turn him into a productivc
mcmbcr ol socicty. Tis is not going to happcn. And in baby
Adoll s abscncc, Mr. and Mrs. Hitlcr arc just going to crcatc
anothcr ictcr.
Iine art: Tc qucstion ol whcthcr or not any givcn objcct is
art is subjcctivc, ol coursc. A rulc ol thumb lor dctcrmining
whcthcr or not you arc carrying nc art is to ask, id thc
pcrson crcating this know thcy wcrc making art: and il so,
do not transport it.

Inarguably unique items: Tcrc is a rcason thc worlds 329

Hopc iamonds just arcnt worth what thcy uscd to bc.
Anything stolen: Hopclully this is common scnsc, just as it
is in your own cra. 8ut plcasc notc that this includcs tradcs
whcrc you cxchangc a chcap or worthlcss commodity lrom
thc luturc to a morc primitivc civilization.
Iarge sums of money: Tcmporally misplaccd moncy crash
cs cconomics. !l you cant spcnd all your cash in thc cra in
which it bclongs, plcasc cxchangc it at thc ncarcst !ntcrtcm
poral 8ank branch lor Univcrsal Trading Commoditics (scc
p. 22).
You arc lrcc to takc uchamps urinal, but only bclorc hc signs it.
The Rules
Essentials Kit Checklist
Tcrc arc many uncxpcctcd dangcrs ol timc travcl. vcn il
you bclicvc you havc prcparcd lor cvcry last thing, odds arc,
yourc still lorgctting somc pcril or anothcr.
Fortunatcly, wc havc prcparcd a list ol itcms that should
provc usclul to any timc travclcr in a sticky situation, no mat
tcr what ycar yourc visiting or how much timc travcl cxpcri
cncc you havc.
Class 3 timc travcl dcvicc lor cmcrgcncy cscapcs
(scc p. 25)
A small supply ol a Univcrsal Trading Commodity
(as dcncd by Timc Travcl rdinancc 1304.10

) lor
gilts, bribcs, ctc.
Preparing for Time Travel
Timc Travcl rdinancc 1304.10 dcncs a Univcrsal Trading Commodity as any commod
ity which is in constant dcmand and is approvcd lor distribution in all timc pcriods. Currcnt
approvcd UTCs includc bccr, sugar, rcally good 8clgian chocolatc and thosc tiny origami lrogs
that hop whcn you prcss down on thcm.
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Mobilc dcvicc with intcrtcmporal !ntcrnct acccss
Spacc Army knilc
Snacks
Radiationscrccn

Robot macc
Guidc book to local ora/launa/tribal customs
(availablc at 89.99 cach at your local Timc Travcl
8urcau chaptcr)
Paradox dctcctor

Flotation dcvicc
Clcan undcrwcar
Spork
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Radiationscrccn protccts you lrom timc travcl radiation, which is not dcadly, but will givc you
cnough ol a glow to gct you thrown out ol movic thcatcrs and lascr light shows.
Tc Timc Travcl 8urcau rccommcnds a Paracanary. Tis robotic bird will scnsc an oncoming
paradox and pool out ol cxistcncc scvcral minutcs bclorc you do. !t also plays mp3s.
Purchasing Your Time Machine
Types of Time Machines
Naturally, onc ol thc rst considcrations in your rst timc
travcl journcy should bc thc typc ol timc machinc you will
usc. Vhilc timc travclcrs on a budgct may havc limitcd op
tions, you no longcr havc to bc a dcsccndant ol Richard
8ranson Cloncs !\ through X!!! to takc part in rccrcational
timc travcl. 8clow, you will nd a list ol dcviccs availablc to
thc modcrn travclcr. vcn il you arc ablc to aord a topol
thclinc machinc, it is important to bc lamiliar with all class
cs ol timc machinc, in casc you nd yourscll strandcd in a
morc primitivc cra whcrc options arc limitcd.
Class 1 Time Machine: Tc 4 machinc. Tis will trans
port you not only in timc, but will also tclcport you to any
gcographic point on arth.
Class 2 Time Machine: Tc 1 machinc. Tis will transport
you in timc, but will matcrializc in thc cxact physical point
on arth lrom which you lclt. !l any objcct, building or or
ganism is in thc way, you will bc movcd to thc ncarcst avail
ablc cmpty spacc. Probably.
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Class 3 Time Machine: Tc wcarablc timc machinc. Tcsc
machincs only transport thc wcarcr and do not allow lor any
sort ol luggagc. Tis includcs clothing. Tcy arc also oncusc
only dcviccs. Givcn thcsc limits and thc lact that appcaring
nakcd in public is a laux pas in most civilizations, Class 3 dc
viccs arc typically purchascd and worn as backups lor cmcr
gcncy situations. !n a pinch, Class 3 dcviccs can also bc uscd
as hand warmcrs.
How to Avoid Time Machine Salesman Scams
As with any major purchasc, you must always bc awarc ol
scams. dds arc, il youvc ncvcr rcccivcd a visit lrom your lu
turc scll, warning you not to buy a particular timc machinc,
yourc probably not going to run into any issucs. Howcvcr,
you should still lamiliarizc yourscll with thc various scams
that you could lacc as a timc machinc customcr.
Hcrc arc somc tips to hclp you along:
Always inspect a new purchase on the inside and outside:
ocs it havc an odd lcclingpcrhaps as though somconc
is still inside: vcn though you cannot scc thcm: 8c carc
lul! Tc prcvious owncr may bc trappcd bctwccn dimcn
sions, just waiting to harvcst your body lor his or hcr own
consciousncss.
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Be sure to have a used machine inspected by an expert before
purchase: A mallunctioning machinc could not only mcan
bcing stuck in an undcsirablc ycar, but it could also mcan a
brutal dismcmbcrmcnt, lcaving your cxtrcmitics sprcad out
throughout timc and spacc.
Iook up the serial number before you buy a used machine:
You can thcn nd out its history, including past mishaps,
mistargctcd travcls and numbcr ol paradoxcs its causcd. !l
you nd that thc machinc yourc intcrcstcd in has, lor cx
amplc, a laulty latch that causcd thc immcdiatc and horric
dcaths ol its prcvious owncrs, you should at lcast bc ablc to
gct a discount.
Watch out for a salesman going by the name of Cyrus Mc-
Ieeney, Time Travelin Salesman:
'
Hc is a notorious scam
artist, known to bc activc in many cras. ltcn what hc sclls
to you as a timc machinc is actually just a box. Hc hircs im
prov troops to put on pcrlormanccs ol othcr cras whcn you
cxit thc box, trying to convincc you that you havc travclcd in
timc. 8ut you havc not.
Mr. McFccncy has also bccn known to go by thc namcs: Chip ipson, ip obson, \incc
cr, Tipsy J. Corncob and Tat Qucstion Mark Guy.
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Making your time machine blend in
Timc machincs havc a habit ol sticking out likc a cybcrnct
ic thumb whcn not in thcir homc cra, so plcasc rclcrcncc thc
chart bclow to gurc out what typc ol disguisc will bcst suit
your nccds.
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
ra Rccommcndcd isguisc
Postinvcntion
ol timc travcl
No disguisc nccdcd. vcryonc
knows about timc travcl.
Prchistoric No disguisc nccdcd. No humans.
Huntcrgathcrcr
socictics
Covcr in plants and lcavcs.
Agricultural
socictics
Covcr in uncultivablc plants
and lcavcs.
!ndustrial
socictics
Covcr in pipcs and gcars.
Postmodcrn
socictics
isguisc as postmodcrn art.
Pick a song, poem or movie scene
that you have memorized and
recite it out loud.
Time Sickness
!t is not uncommon to cxpcricncc timc sickncss whcn timc
travcling. Somc pcoplc arc immunc to this, whilc othcrs cx
pcricncc intcnsc lcclings ol vcrtigo and dja vu. Tcrc havc
bccn somc rcportcd cascs ol rcprcsscd mcmorics and prcmo
nitions ol oncs own lilc ashing through oncs consciousncss.
!n onc casc, a timc travclcr lound himscll with his grcat
grandlathcrs mcmorics. 8ut thc man latcr turncd out to bc
his own grcatgrandlathcr, so that was only to bc cxpcctcd.
!n ordcr to copc with timc sickncss, try onc or morc ol thc
lollowing mcthods until thc symptoms subsidc:
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Sit with your head between
your knees.
Sit with your head between
someone elses knees.
Inhale the vapor of temporal
smelling salts. If unavailable, a
good whi of Four Loko will
also work.
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Chart of Modern Conveniences by Century
8clorc you timc travcl, you will want to know what kind ol
situation you arc gctting yourscll into. Vill thcrc bc public
rcstrooms: !ntcrnct: Public transit: Cocc:
Tc lollowing chart lists thc cras in which cach amcnity
was rst rcadily availablc to thc public. Rcmcmbcr that situa
tions may bc dicrcnt lrom country to country, and you may
want to do lurthcr rcscarch il unsurc ol somcthing.
Convcnicncc Ccntury whcn First Common
!ndoor plumbing 19th Ccntury
Public librarics 17th Ccntury
8ccr 31st Ccntury 8C
Cocc 15th Ccntury
Humans
(Homo sapicns)
1931st Ccntury 8C
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL
Showcrs 20th Ccntury
!ntcrnct 20th Ccntury
Passcngcr Trains 19th Ccntury
Automobilcs 20th Ccntury
lcctricity 20th Ccntury
Jctpacks 22nd Ccntury
Tclcphoncs 20th Ccntury
Articial intclligcncc 24th Ccntury
Public timc travcl kiosks 31st Ccntury
Curc lor all
major discascs
23rd Ccntury
Aordablc curc lor all
major discascs
30th Ccntury
Profiles in Time Travel:
Gordon Ratchford
Are Things Going OK with Margaret?
Hcy man, is cvcrything K: You surc:
You guys sccmcd a littlc cdgy out thcrc.
Listcn, you know \cronica and ! think
thc world ol you and Margarct, right: Vc
just want to makc surc that cvcrythings all
right. !l thcrcs somcthing on your mind, !
want you to say it. Scriously. Cmon man, !
mcan it. vcr sincc our days at Sigma Chi, youvc bccn likc a
brothcr to mc, and ! want you to know that !m hcrc lor you.
So lcts havc a convcrsation: Just you, mc and thc mahogany
walls ol my rumpus room.
! know what you nccd: a bccr. ! just brcwcd this grcat !n
dia Palc Alc that can bc a littlc hoppy lor somc palatcs, but !
think youll dig it. Just got to makc surc to tip thc glass hcrc.
Pcrlcct. !t can bc tricky pouring out ol a tap, you know:
Vhat did ! tcll you: Good right: Good. So whats go
ing on: !vc ncvcr sccn you and Margarct ght likc that. No,
no, no. No nccd to apologizc. \cronica and ! can buy an
Profiles in Time Travel: Gordon Ratchford
othcr gamc ol Scattcrgorics and its casy to clcan blood out
ol thc carpct. Vhats important is that cvcrythings all right
bctwccn you two. \cronica and !, and thc rcst ol thc couplcs
lor that mattcr, arc worricd that things might bc a littlc!
gucsstcnsc right now.
h. Shc hcard about \cronicas birthday gilt. ! was wor
ricd it wasycah, it was a littlc tough lor mc to travcl back
in timc and grab a copy ol thc school ncwspapcr that dc
clarcd hcr victory as rstgradc class prcsidcnt. 8ut thats
lovc, you know: \cronica may bc a Suprcmc Court justicc,
but shcs still my wilc and shc dcscrvcs a thoughtlul gilt.
idnt your wilc cclcbratc a birthday rcccntly: Vhat did you
gct hcr:
! scc. No, carrings can bc nicc. Vhcrc did you go: Til
laoh. Tcy dont havc a Kay Jcwclcrs at thc mall wc go to
but !m surc thcyrc nicc. 8csidcs, all hopc isnt lost. ! mcan,
Christmas is just around thc corncr and you can totally blow
hcr away thcrc. !m tclling you man, takc a short trip in your
timc machinc back to somc momcnt ol signicancc lor Mar
garct, grab a trinkct, lramc it, and bam! Youll bc back in
marital bliss. Now, can you think ol a particular momcnt in
timc:
Cmon man, dont cry. Hcrc, takc onc ol thcsc. Fccl bcttcr:
Rcally: Tc tissucs at your placc dont havc lotion on thcm:
No, ! agrcc. !ts a nicc touch. 8ut listcn, thcrcs no rcason to
cry just bccausc you cant comc up with a gilt lor Margarct.
Lcts think.
Profiles in Time Travel: Gordon Ratchford
Hmm. Shc talks a lot about Villrcd, hcr childhood bca
glc. h ycah. All thc timc. Maybc you could grab thc bcaglcs
collar shortly altcr it passcd away. ! think that would bc nicc.
r, hcy, what about thc timc shc playcd aisy Mac in hcr sc
nior classs production ol Lil Abncr: You ncvcr hcard that:
Vcll, shc totally did and you could totally go back in timc
and tapc hcr pcrlormancc. And il nonc ol thosc idcas work,
thcrcs this rcstaurant that uscd to bc on Marictta Avcnuc
that madc this Rcubcn sandwich Margarct lovcd. h ycah,
man, shc wcnt thcrc all thc timc! vcry Tucsday and Turs
day shc would ordcr a Rcubcn on marblc ryc with turkcy,
colcslaw and a dash ol Licutcnant 8acons Hickory 8arbcquc
Saucc. !m scrious, man. !ts Margarcts lavoritc.
Look, ! know ! madc it look casy just now by rattling o
thcsc idcas, but its not, man. ! mcan, thc only rcason ! was
ablc to comc up with thcm is bccausc Margarct and ! spcnd
so much timc togcthcr whcn my wilcs hcld up in court and
yourc away on your busincss trips sclling carpct samplcs.
Rcmcmbcr whcn you camc homc a day carly and lound my
Louis \uitton gym bag on your oor and a swcaty Margarct
about to jump into thc showcr: Shc and ! had just bccn to a
cardio classat that onc gym that sadly docsnt cxist any
morcand whilc wc wcrc thcrc ! lcarncd a lot ol cool things
about hcr. And ! lcarncd cvcn morc cool things about hcr
that night whcn shc camc ovcr to rcturn my bag and hcr car
unlortunatcly brokc down insidc my gatcd drivcway.
Profiles in Time Travel: Gordon Ratchford
So spcnd timc with hcr, man. Gct to know hcr a littlc bct
tcr and !m surc youll bc ablc to think up thc pcrlcct gilt.
Arc you lccling bcttcr: Good, !m glad to hcar it. h no,
no, no. No nccd to thank mc lor thc idcas. Just promisc mc
that youll nd Margarct a Christmas gilt that shows hcr
what a spccial woman shc truly is. And whcn you go back
out into thc living room, tcll hcr how much you likc thc
manicurc shc got today and lightly brush thc backs ol your
ngcrs up against hcr ncck. Shcll likc that.
GORDON RATCHFORD works as an investment banker in Stamford, Con-
necticut. He is hidden as speed dial #4 on your wifes cell phone.
Profiles in Time Travel: Gordon Ratchford
General Time Travel Knowledge
The time travelers secret handshake
Tcrc oltcn comcs a timc whcrc you may nd yourscll won
dcring whcthcr somconc you scc in your travcls is also a timc
travclcr. Shc may havc somc tclltalc signs. Shc may bc wcar
ing a monoclc that is clcarly lrom thc 4960s and yourc both
in 1999. 8ut thcn again, shc may havc rcccntly muggcd a
timc travclcr lrom 4965. !n thcsc kinds ol circumstanccs, il
you wish to idcntily thc potcntial lcllow timc travclcr, it is
bcst to initiatc thc ocial Timc Travclcrs Sccrct Handshakc.

Follow thc instructions carclully, as in ccrtain culturcs,

thc handshakc closcly rcscmblcs thc sccrct handshakc ol thc
Vorld Socicty ol \oluntary Cannibal \ictims.
Try to start a convcrsation with thc pcrson rst, rathcr than immcdiatcly grabbing thcir hand.
General Time Travel Knowledge
1. Standard Handshakc
3. Waynes World rcam
Scqucncc (saying doodly
do is optional)
5. nc Up, nc own
2. Tumb Var (play until a
clcar winncr is dctcrmincd)
4. Fist 8ump
6. Jazz Hands, Vhilc
Shouting T!M!
Types of Time travelers you may encounter
Time hitchhiker
Tcrc arc two subgroups ol timc hitchhikcrs. Somc arc lrom
modcrn or luturc cras and ran into troublc whilc abroad,
lcaving thcm strandcd and trying to nd thcir way back to a
ycar with timc travcl. Tcsc lolks will typically know thc timc
travclcrs sccrct handshakc (scc p. 36), and its gcncrally salc
to givc thcm a lilt il ncccssary.
n thc othcr hand, thcrc arc thc chcatcrs. Tc primitivc
pcoplc lrom bclorc thc invcntion ol timc travcl who havc
hitchcd a ridc with a travclcr lrom thcir luturc. Chcatcrs arc
typically not trying to gct homc, just trying to gct droppcd
o at anothcr dcstinationprclcrably onc with ush toilcts
and thc old Nctix pricing.
!t is highly adviscd that you do not givc a ridc to thc lattcr
group. As you know, you arc not supposcd to transport living
bcings, and this is cspccially truc ol chcatcrs. Giving a ridc to
timc travcl chcatcrs will not only grcatly incrcasc your chanc
cs ol crcating a paradox, but thc pcrsistcnt qucstions thcy ask
about how thc luturc plays out makc thcm rathcr unplcasant
timc trip passcngcrs.
General Time Travel Knowledge
Time Traveling Student
A timc travcling studcnt is typically a prccocious youth who
has a habit ol asking lar too many qucstions, such as Vhat
ycar do you comc lrom:, Arc thcrc robots thcrc: and
Vhat is thc lcgal drinking agc thcrc:
Tc studcnt may cithcr bc on a cld trip or part ol a timc
cxchangc program. Studcnts on a cld trip will bc in a largc
group, accompanicd by strcsscd out adults. Timc cxchangc
studcnts arc individual childrcn or tccns who havc bccn scnt
to livc with a lamily lrom anothcr ycar. Tc lamily thcy arc
staying with is typically anothcr lamily ol timc travclcrs who
lully undcrstand thc situation. Howcvcr, somc studcnts arc
part ol troublcd tccn programs, whcrc adolcsccnts with bc
havioral problcms arc scnt to cithcr a pionccr larm or his
torical military rccruit training camp lor a summcr. Howcv
cr, you will not scc thcsc youths, as thcy will bc busy working
thc clds or dropping and giving somconc twcnty.
General Time Travel Knowledge
Business traveler
Tc busincss timc travclcr is always on thc go, rushing lrom
mccting to mccting, lrom ccntury to ccntury. Likcly kccp
ing occs in multiplc ycars, thcy arc loadcd down with gad
gcts and dcviccs lrom many cras. !t is not uncommon to scc
a busincss travclcr with thc latcst ccll phonc modcls lrom
cach ycar lrom 1998 to 2112, along with a ccllular implant
lor latcr ycars.
Unlcss you arc a part ol thc timc travcl busincss world,
your intcractions with thc busincss travclcr will probably bc
rarc.
Howcvcr, il you arc cvcr in nccd ol cxtra cash, thc busi
ncss travclcr is always looking lor a assistants and intcrns to
run crrands in dicrcnt ycars. Vhilc timc travcl makcs most
occ tasks much casicr, thc lack ol intcrtcmporal lax ma
chincs mcans thcrc will always bc somc running around
to do.
General Time Travel Knowledge
First-time time traveler
Tis pcrson may havc bccn on trips with thcir parcnts or
schools bclorc, but thcy arc in chargc ol thcir own trip lor
thc rst timc.
Tc rsttimc timc travclcr has many things in common
with thc stcrcotypical tourist typc: too much luggagc, lots
ol rubbcrnccking, constantly snapping photos ol iconic land
marks, clcarly unknowlcdgcablc about local customs, ctc.
Howcvcr, thc timc travcl aspcct adds a lcw ncw distinc
tions to thc tourist. Tc rsttimc timc travclcr will oltcn
havc a conluscd scnsc ol thc cultural timclinc and will bc
sporting multiplc historical inaccuracics. Tings that lall in
this catcgory includc: itcms lrom mismatchcd cras, itcms
purchascd without prior rcscarch and modcrn day itcms that
arc not hiddcn wcllor at all.
Fccl lrcc to intcract with rsttimc timc travclcrs, cvcn il
thcy arc a bit shaky on thc sccrct handshakc. Tcy will typi
cally bc lricndly and in nccd ol your advicc.
Rcmcmbcr, you may wcll havc bccn likc thcm oncc. !l
you purchascd this book bclorc your rst timc travcl trip, you
may still bc this pcrson!

And il you arc, plcasc takc o that hat. Yourc bcing obvious.
General Time Travel Knowledge
Disaster Tourist
Vhcthcr thcyrc sadists, history bus or horror movic lans
taking thcir intcrcst to thc cxtrcmc, disastcr tourists can bc
sccn obscrving thc carnagc ol historys grcatcst tragcdics. 8c
causc intcrvcning on disastcrs and attcmpting to savc anyonc
or anything is considcrcd to bc dangcrous (lor both oncs own
hcalth and thc stability ol thc spacctimc continuum), thcsc
travclcrs cnjoy bcing ablc to watch a mctaphorical or litcral
train wrcck without a scnsc ol guilt.
Somc disastcr tourists havc spccializcd intcrcsts, such as
oods, mctcoritc crashcs or ycti rampagcs. thcrs havc a
ncarly ravcnous dcsirc to visit any sort ol wrcckagc. Tc lor
mcr group is usually lricndly, il a bit obscssivc. And whilc
studics havc not conclusivcly shown that thc lattcr group is
any morc likcly to cxhibit dcstrustivc and dangcrous bchav
iour than thc avcragc pcrson, thcy still tcnd to bc that crccpy
guy at thc party.
!t is quitc casy to idcntily a disastcr tourist. You will scc
thcm cxclusivcly at momcntous disastcrs, watching lrom a
salc distancc or right in thc middlc ol things, timc travcling
away at thc last salc momcnt. Tcy will bc thc oncs show
ing littlc, il any, cmotion in rcsponsc to thc wrcckagc thcy
arc witncssing. Tcy will also typically bc sporting inscnsitivc
souvcnirs lrom othcr disastcrs.
General Time Travel Knowledge
meeting yourself
Vhcn travcling to thc ncar past or thc ncar luturc, you may
happcn upon yourscll. !l you arc mccting a youngcr you, you
should alrcady rcmcmbcr thc cncountcr and know what to
say. Should you mcct an oldcr you, lct him or hcr takc thc
lcad. Tcy rcmcmbcr this lrom thc rst timc.
Tcrc is always thc possibility that you will not rccognizc
an oldcr vcrsion ol yourscll. So il somconc introduccs himscll
or hcrscll to you as yourscll, it is bcst to always trust thcm,
\N !F TH PRSN !S TH VRNG GNR,
AG, THN!C!TY, H!GHT, TC. Howcvcr, il you wish
to bc absolutcly surc, crcatc a password that only you know.
ont writc it down anywhcrc. ont cvcr say it out loud.
And il somconc comcs up to you, claiming to bc you, ask
him or hcr lor this password. vcn il you mcntally crcatc thc
password at thc cxact momcnt you arc mccting yourscll, thc
luturc you should rcmcmbcr it.
Meeting Yourself On Purpose
Tc abovc should adcquatcly prcparc you lor accidcntal
mcctings with yourscll. 8ut you may bc asking yourscll: is
thcrc any rcason !d want to mcct myscll: Tc answcr to this
General Time Travel Knowledge
General Time Travel Knowledge
qucstion is usually N! Howcvcr, thcrc arc a lcw situations
in which this may bc bcnccial to you. Somc ol thcsc rarc
but bcnccial circumstanccs includc:
Medical warnings: Part ol thc rcason that humans livc lon
gcr in modcrn timcs is mcdical advanccs. 8ut bcing ablc to
go back and tcll yourscll to gct that growth chcckcd out ccr
tainly docsnt hurt.
Retirement planning: !n most situations, its bcst to lct your
scll makc mistakcs. You lcarn and grow bccausc ol thcm.
Howcvcr, you dont lcarn much lrom suddcnly nding your
scll brokc at agc 70 and lorccd to work as a grcctcr at iMart.
Go ahcad and convincc your twcntysomcthing scll to sct up
a 401k.

High ves: How many timcs havc you donc somcthing awc
somc that 12 ycarold you would bc proud ol: Vant to go
back and high vc him or hcr: o it!
Also of Note
!t is important not to kill your luturc or past scll. cpcnding
on thc situation, this can bring about any numbcr ol ncgativc
conscqucnccs, including disappcarancc, amncsia, murdcrsui
cidc chargcs and voidcd lilc insurancc.
Advicc involving stock tips, howcvcr, is known as timcsidcr trading and is illcgal.
Vho hasnt takcn a look at a hottic on thc nanoscrccn and
wantcd to claim, Ycah, !vc Frcnchcd that: 8ut, lcts lacc it.
Cclcbritics dont want to makc out with you. Tcy want to
makc out with othcr cclcbritics or thc occasional cscort. 8ut
ol coursc, thats only now that thcyrc lamous. !l you sclcct
your cclcb crushcs carclully, making out with thcm is not all
that complicatcd. You just havc to attcmpt to do so bclorc
thcy gct lamous.
Hcrc arc somc tips to givc you thc ultimatc
bragging rights:
Choose a celebrity who was not famous as a child: Tat is,
dont try to makc out with childrcn.
You dont just have to choose from current celebrities: You
can also makc out with past or luturc stars.
ont try to trick the target of your advances: ont try to
work your way into thcir social circlcs and woo thcm. Yourc
not looking lor romancc hcrc. Yourc looking lor makc outs.
So your bcst bct is to bc honcst. Approach your sclcctcd cc
...bclorc thcyrc lamous.
Making out with
celebrities
lcbrity and simply say, Yourc lamous in thc luturc. Lcts
makc out now.

Tcyll bc attcrcd, cvcn il thcyvc hcard it

bclorc, and bam! Yourc making out.
l coursc, ccrtain cclcbriticsboth past and luturcwill
makc out with anyonc at any timc. So il you dont mind wait
ing in linc a bit and nding a way past bodyguards and vcl
vct ropcs, you can join thc thousands ol timc travclcrs (and
pcoplc lrom thc cclcbritys own cra) who can claim to havc
lockcd lips with thc likcs ol Vilt Chambcrlain, Clcopatra,
Colin Farrcll, Tom Joncs, Kc8ha and Robot Tom Joncs.
Tis linc can also bc uscd on any random pcrson you mcct, but its not a vcry nicc thing to do.
Bad reasons to use time travel
Tcrc arc obviously many rcasons to timc travcl. Vhat was
rst availablc only to scicntists, historians and thc wcalthy
quickly bccamc a tool with many practical and rccrcation
al uscs lor cvcryonc. Howcvcr, somc uscs wcrc soon rcvcalcd
to bc horriblc idcas. Tc Timc Travcl 8urcau has compilcd
a noncxhaustivc list ol illconccivcd rcasons lor timc travcl.
Vhilc nonc ol thc lollowing arc ncccssarily illcgal, thcy arc
all considcrcd to bc poor dccisions by prctty much cvcryonc.
Avoiding unpleasant situations: xcusing yourscll during
your aunts vacation slidcshow to rcturn to thc momcnt at a
latcr timc may sound likc a good idca. 8ut lcts lacc it. Yourc
going to put thcsc things o as long as possiblc, and bclorc
you know it, yourc 60 ycars old and havc wccks worth ol
slidcs to gct back to.
Avoiding debts: cpcnding on thc cxact situation, this onc
may actually bc illcgal, but no mattcr what your situation,
plcasc kccp in mind that intcrtcmporal dcbt collcction agcn
cics arc notoriously pcrsistcnt and intrusivc. You think you
havc it bad now: Vait until thcyvc got a plan in placc to
prcvcnt your grcatgrandparcnts lrom cvcr gctting togcthcr.
General Time Travel Knowledge
Skipping ahead in relationships: !l on a rst datc, do not try
to skip ahcad a lcw ycars to nd out il your datc is the one,
and also do not try to skip ahcad a lcw hours to scc il your
datc will put out that night. Rcmcmbcr that classic cpisodc
ol Robofeld: Tat is also what happcns !N RAL L!F.
Being two places at once: Tis is anothcr thing you should
havc lcarncd lrom sitcoms. Vhilc timc travcling ccrtainly
makcs this casicr, its ncarly impossiblc to not mcss somc
thing up. And cvcn il you pull it o without a hitch, somconc
is going to scc signcd in at both locations on loursquarc.
Showing a past version of yourself what your future life is
like: No mattcr how awcsomc your luturc lilc is, your past
scll is going to xatc on somc sccmingly minor impcrlcction,
and youll rcturn to thc luturc to nd youvc dcvclopcd dcbil
itating insccuritics about your occntcr ccllular implant.
Cheating on homework: Vhilc its truc that a largc amount
ol acadcmia involvcs thcscs and studics bascd in thc distant
past and luturc, il you arc taking a history cxam, and thc pro
lcssor has askcd you, Vhat country was bricy rulcd by an
cvolvcd spccics ol gibbon in 2112:,

it is not appropriatc to
cxcusc yourscll to usc thc rcstroom and travcl to 2112.
Luxcmbourg
General Time Travel Knowledge
Short Term Time Travel
High Traffic Events
!l youvc cvcr witncsscd thc birth ol Christ or thc rst airing
ol thc MASH scrics nalc, you know that ccrtain points
in timc arc quitc popular as timc tourist dcstinations. s
pccially with thc rcccnt incrcasc in rcpcat travclcrs, it has
bccomc ncccssary to compilc a list ol High Trac vcnts
whcrc crowds ol timc travclcrs havc bccomc unwicldy. 8clorc
visiting any ol thc lollowing cvcnts, you must obtain a pcrmit
lrom your local chaptcr ol thc Timc Travcl 8urcau.
Founding ol Atlantis
8uddhas cnlightcnmcnt
Tc birth ol Christ
ruption ol Mt. \csuvius
Lipton Prcscnts: Tc 8oston Tca Party
Signing ol thc cclaration ol !ndcpcndcncc
Short Term Time Travel
Short Term Time Travel
Mostly popular with robot travclcrs and robot sympathizcrs.
Tis is a particularly lragilc dcstination, as thc arrival ol timc travclcrs invariably adds stray cn
crgy to thc systcm, making thc cvcnt lcss imprcssivc lor luturc visitors.
Londons Vorlds Fair 1851
Sinking ol thc Titanic
MLKs ! Havc a rcam Spccch
Voodstock 1969
MASH scrics nalc
M!Ts Timc Travclcr Convcntion
All Stcvc Jobs kcynotc spccchcs
!8Ms Vatson supcrcomputcr bcating Kcn Jcnnings
at Jcopardy!

Tc Singularity
Voodstock 2969
Supcrbowl C!!!
Tird xccution ol Czar Robotikov
Tc !naugural !ntcrtcmporal lympics
Hcat cath ol thc Univcrsc

past and future Holidays and observances

Holidays arc always a lun timc to travcl to, whcthcr its to a
\ictorian Christmas or onc ol thc rst Czar Robotikov Rc
mcmbrancc ays, but not all obscrvanccs arc so longlast
ing. Hcrc arc a lcw now dclunct or luturc holidays that many
travclcrs havc cnjoycd visiting.
Iupercalia: A prcRoman pagan lcstival cclcbrating hcalth
and lcrtility. Fcaturcs nakcd mcn running through thc
strccts and thc sacricing ol goats and dogs. Allinall, not
too dicrcnt than your typical 31st Ccntury Tucsday night.
Hocktide: A Mcdicval postastcr obscrvancc whcrc taxcs,
tolls, rcnts and dcbts wcrc traditionally collcctcd. Tc sav
vy travclcr can makc loans to Mcdicval individuals and thcn
skip to Hocktidc to rcclaim thcir dcbt plus intcrcst.
Groundhog ay: Not an cxciting cvcnt in and ol itscll,
Groundhog ay is mostly ol notc in contcxt. Vcll into thc
21st Ccntury, citizcns ol thc Unitcd Statcs allowcd a rodcnt
to lorccast thcir wcathcr. nc can visit a placc callcd Gob
Short Term Time Travel
Short Term Time Travel
blcrs Knob

to scc thc crcaturc (a groundhog namcd Punx

sutawncy Phil) dctcrminc what sort ol wcathcr thc ncxt six
wccks will hold. Ccrtain timc travclcrs likc to ironically rc
pcat thc day ovcr and ovcr again.
All Memes ay: Tis costumcd cvcnt has its start in thc
22nd Ccntury. Pcoplc cclcbratc thcir lavoritc cultural mcmc
lrom currcnt timcs or past ycars.

Similar to thc Hallowccn

tradition ol trickortrcating, youngcr cclcbrants go doorto
door chcczburgcring.
April Iools ay: Honcstly, no onc is surc why this holiday
ladcd into obscurity ovcr thc ycars. Tc day is dcdicatcd to
practical (and oltcn quitc impractical) jokcs.

8cing a timc
travclcr, thc possibilitics hcrc arc cndlcss.
Android Pride Week: A 29th Ccntury cclcbration ol all as
pccts ol android culturc. Participants in thc lcstivitics nccd
not actually bc androids, though all arc cncouragcd to drcss
likc an android. Troughout thc wcck, thcrc arc paradcs, par
tics, picnics andat nightrccharging partics whcrc plugs
and adaptcrs arc sharcd with shocking lamiliarity.

Scriously.
\isitors arc adviscd to bcwarc ol rickrolling.
\isitors arc adviscd to bcwarc ol rickrolling.
Nonandroids should avoid rccharging partics.
Traveling With Children
Just as you would with any trip, you must bc cxtra carclul
whcn travcling with childrcn. Ccrtain locations arc unsalc or
inappropriatc lor youngstcrs.
A gcncral rulc ol thumb is that il you would not takc your
child to a location in prcscnt day, you should also not takc
thcm to thc cquivalcnt location in thc past. Tat it is to say,
no mattcr what Unclc Carl uscd to tcll you, a Vild Vcst
brothcl should not bc considcrcd an cducational cxpcricncc.
Also bad idcas: dinosaurs and piratcs.
Suggested Time Trips for Kids
Tc timc pcriods your child may cnjoy dcpcnd on what typc
ol child you havc. Tis can bc a tricky thing to prcdict. How
cvcr, thc Timc Travcl 8urcau rcccntly commissioncd a study
to dctcrminc which typcs ol childrcn bcst likcd which cras.

Tc rcsults arc displaycd on thc ncxt scvcral pagcs.
Tc study consistcd ol vc childrcn idcnticd as thc bcst cxamplcs ol various dispositions bc
ing transportcd to dicrcnt cras and having thcir rcactions to thc cxpcricncc mcasurcd by a
Pollyannascar njoymcnt !ndicator. No childrcn wcrc harmcd during thc cxpcrimcnt, though
thcy surc did complain a lot.
Short Term Time Travel
Prchistoric
Ancicnt gypt
Vild Vcst
\ictorian ngland
1950s Amcrica
2410s Antarctica
5700s Undcrground
8iodomc
0
70
11
100
9
53
21
Child type: Spoiled Brat
Era/location
Quotes from the child
n thc prchistoric cra: Vhy wont my ccll work: Vhcrc arc
thc bathrooms: Vhy is cvcrything so dirty: !m tclling my
mothcr you brought mc hcrc and shcs not going to bc vcry
happy about this.
n ancicnt gypt: Vcll at lcast thcrcs prctty things hcrc.
Now buy mc onc ol thosc pharaoh hats NOW.
n \ictorian ngland: Tis is vcry prctty. ! likc this. vcry
thing smclls, but ! likc this.
Enjoyment level
Short Term Time Travel
Child type: annoying know-it-all
Quotes from the child
n Ancicnt gypt: h! Tats thc Grcat Sphinx! h! vcr
thcrc! Tats thc Nilc! h look! Tat must bc a Jcwish slavc!
o you think hc knows Moscs: ! bct hc knows Moscs.
n thc Vild Vcst: ! undcrstand that this is culturally sig
nicant, but ugh. !ts all so boorish!
n thc 8iodomc: !vc bccn rcscarching this placc lorcvcr!
id you know that thcrc arc 189 spccics ol birds in hcrc:
And 712 spccics ol plants: ! bct you didnt know that!
Prchistoric
Ancicnt gypt
Vild Vcst
\ictorian ngland
1950s Amcrica
2410s Antarctica
5700s Undcrground
8iodomc
87
82
8
95
92
27
100
Era/location Enjoyment level
Short Term Time Travel
Child type: Sniveling Whiner
Quotes from the child
n thc Vild Vcst: ! dont likc it hcrc. !ts too hot. And
dusty. And it smclls likc cow dung. Plcasc takc mc homc
now.
n 1950s Amcrica: ! dont likc it hcrc. ! dont likc rock and
roll. Vhy arcnt T\s in color: Plcasc takc mc homc now.
n 2410s Antarctica: ! dont likc it hcrc. !ts too cold. Vhy
would anyonc cvcr comc hcrc: Pleeeeeeeease takc mc homc
now:
Prchistoric
Ancicnt gypt
Vild Vcst
\ictorian ngland
1950s Amcrica
2410s Antarctica
5700s Undcrground
8iodomc
0
0
0
0
0
0
70
100
21
Era/location Enjoyment level
Short Term Time Travel
Child type: vicious bully
Quotes from the child
n thc prchistoric cra: inosaurs arc totally badass. Look at
thosc guys! All stomping and hunting. Hunting and stomp
ing. And thcn thcrcs that ying onc. All swooping and hunt
ing. ! likc this placc.
n 1950s Amcrica: Tcsc grcascr dudcs havc it gurcd out.
! wondcr il thcyd hook mc up with somc cigarcttcs.
5700s Undcrground 8iodomc: nly thing this placc is good
lor is nding ncrds to punch.
Prchistoric
Ancicnt gypt
Vild Vcst
\ictorian ngland
1950s Amcrica
2410s Antarctica
5700s Undcrground
8iodomc
87
30
100
8
19
92
2
Era/location Enjoyment level
Short Term Time Travel
Child type: Goody-Goody Suck-up
*
Quotes from the child
n thc prchistoric cra: ! lovc it so much! !t is vcry cduca
tional and lun! Tank you lor taking mc hcrc!
n Ancicnt gypt: ! lovc it so much! !t is vcry cducational
and lun! Tank you lor taking mc hcrc!
n 2410s Antarctica: ! lovc it so much! !t is vcry cducation
al and lun! Tank you lor taking mc hcrc!
Prchistoric
Ancicnt gypt
Vild Vcst
\ictorian ngland
1950s Amcrica
2410s Antarctica
5700s Undcrground
8iodomc
100
100
100
100
100
100
100
Era/location Enjoyment level
Vc bclicvc this child may havc lound a way to chcat thc Pollyannascar
njoymcnt !ndicator.
Short Term Time Travel
Profiles in Time Travel:
Gizmo
Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good Gerbils?
A calm, pcacclul tranquility has dcsccndcd
upon thc pct storc as thc clock strikcs mid
night. ogs whimpcr soltly in thcir slccp.
Aquarium ltcrs hum pcacclully. And !,
ncstlcd undcr thc harsh yct soothing wood
shavings ol this world that has bccomc my
cagc, sit contcmplating thc cvcnts ol a lilc
shroudcd in pain and rcgrct.
! rcmcmbcr Gidgct, my onc truc lovc, pluckcd lrom this
cagc likc so many bclorc hcr. ! think ol thc way thc lamplight
shincd o hcr lur. ! rccall hcr cutc ts ol cpilcpsy. ! smilc at
thc thought ol thosc whiskcrs that wcnt on lor days. Shc had
a nosc that ncvcr stoppcd twitching.
! caught a glimpsc ol hcr this morning with my minds
cyc. Vc ran through thc tunncls likc wc did in our carclrcc
days. ! chasing hcr and hcr always onc stcp ahcad ol mc, thc
thrill and cxcitcmcnt ol a hunt ncvcrcnding. All lcading to
that joyous momcnt, that climax ol passion, whcn shc nal
Profiles in Time Travel: Gizmo
ly slowcd down and, lor lour glorious scconds, ! hcard hcr
scrccch with dclight.
Gidgct was soon with childrcn, my childrcn, and whcn
shc told mc thc ncws ! kncw what ! had to do. ! plcdgcd my
hcart and soul to Gidgct. ! lound us a nicc homc ncxt to thc
applccorc dish. A position bccamc availablc at thc Spinning
Vhccl. ! applicd. ur ncw lilc was coming togcthcr.
And thcnh crucl latc!thosc hands. Tosc hands
that rcachcd down lrom abovc, blinding my cycs with a mct
al platc on which thc namc Cathy had bccn inscribcd. Tosc
hands that torc my prcgnant wilcmy onc truc lovcaway,
lcaving mc and my shattcrcd drcams bchind, tcaching mc
what it lccls likc to bc, at oncc, both alivc and dcad. How !
curscd thosc hands! How ! scorncd thcir cxistcncc! Until,
irony ol ironics, ! bcgan to worship thcm. For you scc, thosc
pcrnicious hands ocrcd hopc. Hopc that ! too might bc
snatchcd up and onc day rcunitcd with my Gidgct.
So ! praycd lor thosc hands. ! sang praiscs to thosc hands.
! sought advicc lrom lcllow Cathy hand worshippcrs, or
Catholics as thcy arc callcd. Trough thcm ! lcarncd ol thc
Catholic patron saints, thosc rccognizcd by Cathy as vcncra
blc and just, patrons who stood at thc right hand ol Cathy as
shc cxcrciscd hcr will upon our world.
8y showing dclcrcncc to thosc whom Cathy had choscn,
! lcarncd that onc could cscapc to a land ol grcat joy. And
! bclicvcd, bccausc ! saw it to bc so. Tcrc was 8osco, who
praycd to Yuks, thc patron saint ol court jcstcrs. vcry morn
Profiles in Time Travel: Gizmo
ing 8osco would rccitc thc vcrsc Tc only thing lowcr than
our kings approval rating is our cl s mortality ratc until
onc day a man drcsscd in a lunnylooking hat with bclls ap
pcarcd ncxt to Cathy and whiskcd 8osco away. Tcrc was
Tubbs, who honorcd Souscd, thc patron saint ol Prohibition
cra bootlcggcrs, and carricd a askshapcd rclic with him
whcrcvcr hc wcnt. Hc too was visitcd, this timc by a shilty
cycd man smoking a cigar. And ol coursc thcrc was 8an
dit, 8andit who madc a lockct containing a picturc ol Unit
462A, thc patron saint ol robotic glaucoma. ! am a witncss
to thc automaton that stood bcsidc Cathy as hcr hands liltcd
8andit up lrom this world into thc ncxt.
! too paid tributc to thc patron saints, but to no avail.
nly oncc did thosc hands dcign to raisc mc up lrom my
cagcd cxistcncc, and no sooncr had ! bccn liltcd up than !
camc crashing back down, thc sounds ol w! addy, ! said
! wantcd a hamstcr ringing through my cars. 8ut cvcn that
taunt was not as crucl as thc harsh rcalization that was thrust
upon mc as ! watchcd my lricnds lcavc, thc rcalization that
anyonc could havc savcd mc lrom this wrctchcd cxistcncca
mcdicval comcdian, a Jazz Agc crook, a visually impaircd
robotbut no onc did. !ts onc thing to bc rcjcctcd by your
contcmporarics. 8ut to know that all ol humanity, cvcryonc
who cvcr cxistcd, has passcd you ovcr: Tats cnough to makc
any gcrbil qucstion his worth.
h, but comc now, ! havc hcard thcm say. Surcly this
rodcnt is pronc to mclodrama. !s this not but a quartcr
Profiles in Time Travel: Gizmo
lilc crisis: !ndccd, it is not. For ! havc sccn things ovcr thc
coursc ol my 12month cxistcncc that lcw gcrbils will cvcr
cxpcricncc ovcr thc coursc ol thcir lilctimcs. 8ut il you think
! spcak out ol turn, go convcrsc with an cldcrly gcrbil and
you will nd that thcy arc plagucd by thc vcry samc qucs
tions that now plaguc mc: !s this thc lilc to which wc havc
all bccn rclcgatcd: Living lrom pcllct to pcllct: Putting in a
hard day at thc Spinning Vhccl but gctting nowhcrc:
! pray to Cathy its not.
GIZMO is the author of several best-selling books on Catholicism including
Digging with a Purpose and Are You Tere Cathy? Its Me, Gizmo. He is
a gerbil.
Profiles in Time Travel: Gizmo
Working in other eras
Consult thc chart on thc lollowing pagc il you arc not surc
whcthcr your carccr path is suitcd to rclocating in timc.
Long Term Time Travel
Long Term Time travel
A brief Introduction to the intersection of time
travel and romance
nv S~xj~v Kuix~vxi
Tcy say thc hcart is a loncly huntcr. ! likc
thc sound ol that, so it is probably truc.
8ut onc thing thcy do not say is that thc
hcart is a loncly timc travclcr. And, il you
lollow my advicc, it docsnt havc to bc. !
am a timc travcl rclationship cxpcrt.
Tosc closc to mc might protcst that
ncvcr in thc history ol knowing mc havc ! cvcr claimcd to bc
a rclationship cxpcrt, nor shown any cvidcncc to that ccct.
Tats bccausc !m not a rclationship cxpcrt. !m a timc travcl
rclationship cxpcrt. !m about as much a rclationship cxpcrt
as mmctt 8rown is a travcl agcnt. Vhat ! am is somconc
that can hclp you makc surc you lovc, lccl lovcd and succcss
lully ght thc crippling lonclincss inhcrcnt to having this
godlikc powcr youvc acquircd callcd timc travcl. Good luck.
First, lcts talk about you. You havc thc opportunity now
to visit historys grcatcst minds, and, though it might takc a
bit morc rcscarch, historys hottcst bodics. You might bc lccl
Long Term Time travel
ing a littlc inlcrior. ont. Surc, you are inlcrior. 8ut you arc
also a smart, attractivc, talcntcd timc travclcr and arc a nc
catch. ont lorgct it. You cant lccl rcal lovc until you lovc
yourscll. Youvc hcard it bccausc its truc. And cvcn though
you, as a timc travclcr, havc morc rcason than anyonc cvcr to
know you arc nothing spccial (in this way, you arc spccial),
you should lovc yourscll anyway. vcn with all thcsc bcttcr
pcoplc. Lovc is not a compctition. Lovc is not a battlccld.
You cant just bclicvc somcthing likc that simply bccausc
youvc hcard it bclorc.
kay, so loving yourscll is grcat and all, but you arc cvcn
tually going to want to gct morc pcoplc in on that action. So,
whcrc do you gct thcm: r, morc importantly, whcn: Your
options, ol coursc, arc staggcring, but !m going to brcak
thcm down into thrcc catcgorics: pcoplc lrom thc past, pco
plc lrom thc luturc, and, though it is quaint, pcoplc lrom thc
prcscnt.
!l you arc looking lor imprcssivc scxual conqucsts, thc past
is prctty much thc bcst placc to go. Tc past is whcrc pcoplc
that pcoplc havc hcard ol arc lrom. Scx up mily ickinson.
Scducc Grcgor Mcndcl. 8onc mitochondrial vc and thcn
you havc thc trump card whcn anyonc trics to allcgc scxual
rclations with anyoncs mothcr. !n onc movc, you will havc
boncd cvcryoncs supcrgrcat grandmothcr.
8ut what il you actually want to havc a gcnuinc conncc
tion with somconc: Tc past isnt a grcat placc to look. For
thrcc rcasons. nc, obviously, thc lurthcr you go back in thc
Long Term Time travel
past, thc morc likcly it is you bonc your supcrgrcat grand
mothcr. Gross. Gross and also maybc youll causc somc
timc paradoxcs. Two, gctting ovcr cultural dicrcnccs with
thc past is going to bc rcally hard. How many ycars can you
cvcn go back without cvcryonc bcing racist: Not many. How
many ycars can you go back bclorc its whcn timc travclcrs
wcrc burncd lor witchcralt: Maybc vc: And thrcc, discascs.
o you know how many shots you havc to gct just to visit a
lorcign country: Tc past is ovcrrun with discascs that you
will bc susccptiblc to. Lovc mcans closc contact, and closc
contact mcans discasc transmission. And what discascs arc
you bringing with you, back to thc past: Timc travcl is an cp
idcmiological nightmarc alrcady, dont complicatc things lur
thcr by shacking up with somconc.
Now il you arc going to travcl to thc past, you vcry wcll
might lall lor somconc thcrc anyway. ! dont rccommcnd it.
8ut hopclully kccping in mind thc potcntial pitlalls will hclp
you avoid thcm. ! just hopc what you havc with your discasc
riddlcd, racist grandparcnt is worth it.
How good, thcn, is romancc in thc luturc: !t dcpcnds a
lot on what kind ol luturc you show up in. Tcrcs a lot ol
dicrcnt kinds ol luturcs so lcts quickly run through thc bcst
approach to cach ol thcm:
Iverything is awesome: Swcct. You havc hovcrboards and
univcrsal translators and wcvc curcd all discascs. vcryonc
is awcsomc. You might lccl a littlc inadcquatc around thcsc
Long Term Time travel
supcrhumans, but thats why wc had thc talk about loving
yourscll. Vith ying cars and light spccd spacc travcl, thc
biggcst challcngc is going to bc convincing your partncr that
you lovc thcm lor thcm, not lor thcir timc pcriod.
Iarth is ruined: Humanity, il thcrc is any lclt, is in shamblcs.
Surc, you could scc il that boy who said youd havc to bc thc
last pcrson on carth lor him to gct with you is still alivc, but
honcstly, you can do bcttcr. Ncxt.
Iarth is ruined and it is your fault: No timc lor lovc. Fix it.
Robots/aliens/cats have taken over: !t rcally dcpcnds on how
much you likc robots/alicns/cats. !l thats your thing, ! say go
lor it.
Tats thc luturc. You might bc thinking that thc lu
turc should havc all thc samc issucs as thc past. Altcr all, our
prcscnt is thc luturcs past. Shouldnt you bc worricd that you
arc going to crcatc a timc paradox or introducc a ncw discasc
that totally ruins cvcrything: Probably! 8c honcst about bc
ing lrom thc past. You may bc nc about crcating timc para
doxcs that ruin thc luturc sincc you dont livc thcrc, but somc
pcoplc do, and its not rcally cool to makc thcm unwitting
accompliccs to undoing thcir rcality.
And, ol coursc, thc last placc to nd pcoplc to datc is thc
prcscnt. Tcrc arc about scvcn billion pcoplc alivc right now
so you havc plcnty to choosc lrom. You might bc thinking !
Long Term Time travel
could datc in thc prcscnt 8FR ! bccamc a timc travclcr.
Vhy would ! want to do it now: Simplc answcr. 8cing ablc
to timc travcl mcans cvcry datc you havc is awcsomc now
lorcvcr.
l coursc, you could do a wholc bunch ol rcscarch on
your datc by travcling to thcir past and luturc and nding out
all thcir hopcs and drcams. !m not cvcn talking about that.
Too much cort. Tink about it:
Say you nd out your datc rcally likcs monstcr trucks. Go
back in timc and plagiarizc Tc 8catlcs.
Say shc is rcally into vampirc litcraturc. Go watch
dinosaurs.
Say hcr lavoritc singcr was Janis Joplin. Go cat luturc
lood on Mars.
You might bc thinking that thc datcs you plan didnt havc
anything to do with your datcs intcrcsts. xactly! Timc trav
cling and bcing a timc travclcr arc so cool that it basically
docsnt mattcr what you do. And you might also bc think
ing hcy, its not so important what wc do on a datc. Vhat is
important is that wc havc a good timc in cach othcrs com
pany. 8aloncy. Tats truc lor rcgular dating. 8ut honcstly, no
mattcr how good somconcs company is, its not as good as
dinosaurs.
Having somconc lrom thc prcscnt around is grcat, bc
causc you can lct your guard down. You dont havc to kccp
tcchnologics sccrct lrom cach othcr. You can talk about thc
cndings ol your lavoritc books and movics without lccling
Long Term Time travel
bad about spoiling thcm. You dont havc to constantly worry
about how you two arc rclatcd. Tcrcs a lot ol anxicty about
dating pcoplc lrom othcr timc pcriods that just docsnt cxist
whcn you arc both lrom thc samc timc.
Timc travcl is rcally spccial, and you should want to sharc
it. And a pcrson lrom thc prcscnt is pcrlcct lor that. Tcy
havc thc samc world vicw. Tcy want to visit similar histori
cal gurcs and undo thc samc historical disastcrs. Tcy arc
amazcd by thc samc luturc dcvclopmcnts. As thcy say, thcrcs
no timc likc thc prcscnt.
Vhcrc, you might bc asking, docs onc nd pcoplc to datc
in thc prcscnt: Vcll, dont ask mc.
!m no rclationship cxpcrt.
Long Term Time travel
Narnia syndrome
Altcr travcling lor an cxtcndcd pcriod, many pcoplc rcturn
to thc samc point lrom which thcy lclt. Vhilc coming homc
is typically a positivc cxpcricncc, it is usually vcry hard to
pick up right whcrc you lclt o. You will not rcmcmbcr many
things that you had lclt bchind, and you will likcly havc dc
vclopcd and changcd as a pcrson. Mcanwhilc, thosc you rc
turn to will havc only cxpcricnccd a mcrc momcnt or two.
Trying to rclatc to somconc who has not donc any lcngthy
timc travcling is dicult. Plus, yourc now a lcw ycars (or
morc!) oldcr.
Tc lcclings ol disillusionmcnt brought upon travclcrs in
this situation arc commonly known as Narnia Syndromc. !n
most cascs, thc symptoms ladc oncc a travclcr has rcmaincd
in thcir origin ycar lor a whilc, usually a lcw months. How
cvcr, somc scvcrc cascs havc rcsultcd in travclcrs nding
thcmsclvcs with a pathological nccd to travcl, and lcavc thcir
origin ycar and not rcturn.
!l you lccl yourscll cxpcricncing scvcrc symptoms ol Nar
nia Syndromc, gct in touch with your local Timc Travcl 8u
rcau chaptcr lor a rclcrral to a ccrticd timc travcl thcrapist
or support group.
Long Term Time travel
Timc
travcling
hitch
hikcr
Yourscll
in
anothcr
ycar
8catlcs
conccrt
Cavcman
Ncw
Cokc
lcvator
opcrator
Tc
Singularity
Vagon
train
zyman
dias
statuc,
intact
Ncw York
at
population
9,000
Ncw York
at
population
2 billion
Timc
Travcling
Hitch
Hikcr
Pangaca
Pompcii,
intact
Animal
that
docsnt
cxist yct
21st
Ccntury
ash mob
8crlin
Vall
Grcat
grcat
grcat
grandson
Grcat
grcat
grcat
grandma
An !cc
Agc
rccting ol
Stonchcngc
Animal
thats now
cxtinct
Non
ironic pipc
smokcr
T i m e t r a v e l
B I N G o
FREE
8ring your complctcd card (only onc straight linc nccdcd) with photographic prool ol your
8!NG to your local Timc Travcl 8urcau and gct a coupon lor a lrcc Frosty.
Hallcys
Comct, in
3 dicrcnt
ycars
d
Sullivan
show, livc
broadcast
Profiles in Time Travel:
Levi Strauss
Intellectual Property Rights, Time Travel & You
Lcts gct onc thing straight right o thc
bat: ! invcntcd bluc jcans. You did not.
Vith that out ol thc way, lcts locus on
thc task at hand. Yourc an invcntor. And
whilc youll ncvcr invcnt somcthing so
brilliant that it rcvolutionizcs thc way that
wc look at casual drcss, your contribution
to socicty is still somcwhat important.
Somc ol you arc writcrs, synthcsizing words in a way that
makcs us think lor a sccond bclorc wc scc somcthing shiny
and lorgct all that has just bccn communicatcd to us. Somc
ol you arc collcgc studcnts whovc lcarncd how to lashion
a bong in such way that it is both lunctional and unnoticc
ablc to your RA. And somc ol you arc parcnts who brought
lilc into this world in thc hopcs that your progcnys cxistcncc
would rcctily all incquality. Tis was, ol coursc, until you
lookcd into your childs crib whilc thcy wcrc slccping and rc
alizcd that thcy wcrc a manilcstation ol all your disappoint
Profiles in Time Travel: Levi Strauss
mcnt and hcartachc, condcmncd to a lilc ol tumult and pain
that not cvcn you yourscll wcrc smart cnough to cscapc.
Tc point is: Yourc an invcntor. And although youll ncvcr
invcnt somcthing as important as bluc jcans, which combincs
awcsomc durability with unbclicvablc comlort, you dcscrvc
to havc your idcas protcctcd. 8ut in this day and agc ol timc
travcl, it can bc dicult.
Vc all know thc story: Vith thc invcntion ol timc travcl,
suddcnly cvcry idca, no mattcr how much it palcd in signi
cancc to bluc jcans, bccamc susccptiblc to thclt lrom a Clist
Hollywood cclcbrity trying to maintain rclcvancy in thc pub
lic consciousncss. (Vhich rcminds mc, who is currcntly crcd
itcd with invcnting thc cotton gin: !s it Ally Shccdy or thc
runncrup ol Survivor: 8urkina Faso: Ncvcrmind. !ll just
look it up on my Microsolt iPad latcr.)
Yct, cvcn in this pcriod ol grcat changc, somchow cvcry
onc still knows that ! invcntcd bluc jcans. How havc ! bccn
ablc to do this: Vhilc ! cant givc you all ol my sccrcts, ! can
givc you a lcw pointcrs.
1. Maintain a public presence: Last wcckcnd ! judgcd a
chili cooko in Vilmington, clawarc. Now, yourc prob
ably thinking to yourscll, why would thc invcntor ol a gar
mcnt thats so mindbogglingly tcrric it makcs my backsidc
look grcat, cvcn whcn ! dont work out, subjcct himscll to an
cvcnt so bcncath him: asy. Socicty is likc a stubborn mulc
and you, as an invcntor, arc a horscy. Somctimcs you nccd
Profiles in Time Travel: Levi Strauss
to buzz around thc mulcs cars cvcry oncc in a whilc to lct it
know that you cxist. ocs this tactic work: Tc last timc !
chcckcd, thc 8clk in Vilmington carricd ovcr vc dicrcnt
stylcs ol Lcvis jcans. Coincidcncc: ! think not.
2. Intimidation is key: Lcts say ! owncd a collcction ol rc
arms so largc and dcstructivc that not cvcn God himscll
would pick a ght with mc. Vould you try to stcal my idcas:
! think not. 8y thc way, !m not saying ! own that many guns.
!m just saying.
3. iversify: Tis is thc agc ol moguls. You cant just sit back
on your onc invcntion and cxpcct to prot lrom that lorcvcr.
Vhy do you think ! loundcd thc Lcv!cc Crcam lranchisc:
Kccp invcnting things and prctty soon youll bc ablc to cross
promotc. ! mcan, it just makcs scnsc to scll icc crcam and
slimt jcans togcthcr.
Tc important thing to rcmcmbcr is, dont gct lrustratcd.
Truc, youll probably ncvcr invcnt somcthing so grcat that it
looks trcndy with or without tcars. 8ut your tiny contribu
tion to socicty is still somcwhat important. So lollow thcsc
simplc tips and you will bc wcll on your way to invcnting a
staplc ol thc lashion world.
h, and did ! mcntion that ! invcntcd bluc jcans:
LEVI STRAUSS is the founder of blue-jeans manufacturer Levi Strauss & Co.
He once ate a hot dog that had fallen under the bleachers of a baseball stadi-
um for attention.
Profiles in Time Travel: Levi Strauss
1. Mcct your grandparcnts whcn thcy wcrc rst dating (but
dont rcvcal who you arc).
2. \icw a lunar cclipsc with a group ol pcoplc who dont yct
know that thc arth is round.
3. Vatch a lamous piccc ol art bcing crcatcd.
4. o somcthing nicc lor yourscll as a child.
5. at a banana bclorc 1960.

6. Fly to thc Moon.

7. Scc a lamous musician pcrlorm bclorc thcy wcrc lamous.

8. 8ackpack through Pangaca.

9. Pct a (nondangcrous, nonpoisonous) cxtinct animal.
10. Mastcr a dcad languagc.
ten Things that Every
Time Traveler Should DO
Tc most common varicty ol banana bclorc 1960 was thc Gros Michcl, which wcnt cxtinct
around that timc.
Tis docs not allow you to claim that you wcrc into thcm bclorc thcy wcrc big.
What to do When You dont know when you are
!l, by somc tcchnical mishap or human crror, you nd
yourscll unawarc ol what ycar you arc in, lollow thc chart
on thc ncxt pagc to nd out with minimum hasslc
and suspicion.
When Trouble Arises...
When Trouble Arises...
Sending messages in time
Lcts say you want to writc a lcttcr homc (or to any othcr
ycar that you arc not in), but you dont want to go through
all thc hasslc ol travcling just to dclivcr a lcttcr or postcard.
And lcaving mcssagcs in salcty dcposit boxcs and bus lockcrs
lor ccnturics is always risky. 8ut you can casily scnd mcssagcs
both lorward and backward in timc by writing your mcssagc
on a piccc ol papcr and lolding it into an origami hypcrcubc!
Altcr complcting thc hypcrcubc, simply think about thc datc
and location it should bc dclivcrcd to, and it will pool out ol
cxistcncc in your currcnt ycar and rcappcar at its dcstination.
Cut-out disguises
Naturally, thc bcst mcthod ol blcnding in whcn abroad is to
obtain actual costumcs, acccssorics, disguiscs, ctc. at your lo
cal timc travcl thrilt shop. Howcvcr, somctimcs you will bc
caught unprcparcd and will nccd somcthing that will work in
a pinch.
Tc lollowing pagcs contain cutout disguiscs to bc uscd
in casc ol cmcrgcncy.

!l you usc up all thc disguiscs in this

book and would likc to gct morc without purchasing anothcr
copy ol this book, contact your local chaptcr ol thc Timc
Travcl 8urcau.
bviously, thcsc disguiscs arc madc out ol papcr. Papcr that will bc tapcd or glucd onto your
pcrson. Tcy arc not going to bc vcry convincing to typical humans. Howcvcr, thcy work won
dcrlully on most robots, animals and a grcat dcal ol pcoplc bclorc thc invcntion ol glasscs.
When Trouble Arises...
(Charactcr lor Human)
(Muttonchops)
In case of Death
No onc likcs to think about thc possibility ol dying on a trip.
8ut ol coursc it can happcn. !n many uniquc and horrilying
ways. 8ut cvcryoncs sccn thc gory parts ol Flux Capacitors
of Destruction in timc machinc piloting class. Tcrcs no nccd
to go into thc many ways in which onc can dic whilc timc
travcling.
Tc important thing is to makc thc propcr arrangcmcnts.
Tis is not a part ol thc cial Timc Travcl Rulcs and
Guidclincs, but it is a part ol law in most countrics.
8clorc timc travcling lor thc rst timc, onc must ll out
a Travcling Vill, including thc ! numbcr ol your implant
cd microchip and what you wish to bc donc with your body
and asscts il you arc dctcrmincd to havc dicd whilc travcling.
Upon dcath, a govcrnmcnt tcam will rctricvc your rcmains
(il any) and lollow whatcvcr rulcs havc bccn sct lorth in thc
will.
Failurc to ll out this documcnt will rcsult in thc govcrn
mcnt nding a youngcr vcrsion ol yourscll and making you
ll out an cxhausting amount ol papcrworkinvariably on a
bcautilul summcr day.
When Trouble Arises...
Afterword
Congratulations. You arc now adaquatcly prcparcd to bcgin
or continuc your travcls in timc. ont lccl likc yourc ada
quatcly prcparcd: ont worry! No onc docs. 8ut combinc
thc advicc containcd in this book with a modicum ol human
(or cyborg, android, ctc.) instinct and common scnsc, and
voil! Yourc now rcady to scizc thc spacctimc continuum
without (much) lcar ol brcaking it.
!l you should comc across somcthing important in your
travcls that was not includcd in this book, lccl lrcc to suggcst
it to thc Timc Travcl 8urcau. Howcvcr, as this is thc authori
tativc cdition, it contains all luturc cdits and suggcstions, so
il it docsnt alrcady appcar in thc book, its probably not that
important.
May your travcls bc salc, cnjoyablc and timcly!
Afterword
Thanks
To Matt lor rcading and rcplying to many, many cmails with
thc subjcct linc Timc Travcl Stu! in thc past ycar (and
thcyrc probably not going to stop anytimc soon). To Mom
and ad lor bcing supportivc ol thcir daughtcr turning out
to bc onc ol thosc crcativc typcs. To 8rian and Angcla lor
giving mc a job whcrc ! gct to dcsign stu all day and still
want to do morc ol it whcn ! gct homc. To Scott lor working
lor cookics. To Zach lor sharpcning my ability to tcll whats
lunny. To thc Taco Club lor rcading my thoughts. And to
Mcl and Kristin lor tcaching mc morc about dcsign and
illustration than thc cntirc !ntcrnct cvcr would havc.
Katic
K. Svxvisxv is a dcsigncr, illustrator and cartoonist lrom
wcstcrn Pcnnsylvania. Hcr work has bccn lcaturcd in
CoopcrHcwitts National csign Tricnnial and publishcd
in Machine of Death: A Collection of Stories About People Who
Know How Tey Will Die. You can scc morc ol hcr work
at xsvxvisxv.co:.
M. BvNNavoo has bccn publishcd in Asimovs Science Fiction
and Strange Horizons, among othcr markcts. Hc is currcntly
cocditor ol thc Machine of Death scrics at 8carstachc
8ooks. Hc livcs in Clcvcland, hio, and can bc rcachcd
at :nvxx~vuo.co:.
]vvv Hunvv pcrlorms improv in Vashington, .C. Hc
also cowrotc thc short lms A Fclinc 8ctwccn Lovc and
Hatc and Tc Advcnturcs ol Captain Frccdom, both ol
which arc availablc onlinc. Jc can bc rcachcd at
jvvv.nunvvGvocxv::~ii.co:.
SaNjav KuixavN: is lrom Vilmington, clawarc and
studics mcdicinc in Philadclphia, Pcnnsylvania. Hc draws
a comic callcd Cowbirds in Love which you can rcad
at cownivusixiovv.co:.
VARN!NG: Timc travcl is known to thc statc ol Calilornia to causc canccr.