Brene Brown DarYOUng Greatly by Brene Brown Book notes compYOUled by Jane SYOUgford Preface: VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs not

t knowYOUng YOUctory or defeat! YOUt"s understandYOUng t#e necessYOUty of bot#$ YOUt"s engagYOUng% YOUt"s beYOUng all YOUn% Our wYOUllYOUngness to own and engage wYOUt# our ulnerabYOUlYOUty determYOUnes t#e dept# of our courage and t#e clarYOUty of our purpose$ t#e le el to w#YOUc# we protect oursel es from beYOUng ulnerable YOUs a measure of our fear and dYOUsconnectYOUon% Perfect and bulletproof are seductYOU e! but t#ey don"t e&YOUst YOUn t#e #uman e&perYOUence% P% ' We must dare to GO up and let ourselves be seen. (#YOUs YOUs ulnerabYOUlYOUty% (#YOUs YOUs darYOUng greatly% P% ' YOUntroductYOUon Surest t#YOUng YOU took away from my )bac#elor"s! master"s and doctoral* degrees YOUn socYOUal work YOUs t#YOUs: +onnectYOUon YOUs w#y we"re #ere% ,e are #ardwYOUred to connect wYOUt# ot#ers! YOUt"s w#at gYOU es purpose and meanYOUng to our lYOU es! and wYOUt#out YOUt t#ere YOUs sufferYOUng% By accYOUdent! ,-YOU(.became a s#ame and empat#y researc#er% /ealYOU0ed s#e #ad to study t#e flYOUp sYOUde of s#ame1,#at do t#e people w#o are t#e most resYOUlYOUent to s#ame! w#o belYOUe e YOUn t#eYOUr wort#YOUness #a e YOUn common2 (#ese people 3,#ole#earted people41 +ultYOU ate: work to let go of: o 5ut#entYOUcYOUty: ,#at people t#YOUnk o Self6+ompassYOUon: PerfectYOUonYOUsm o /esYOUlYOUent SpYOUrYOUt: 7umbYOUng and powerlessness o GratYOUtude and Joy: ScarcYOUty and fear of t#e dark o YOUntuYOUtYOUon and (rustYOUng 8aYOUt#: need for +ertaYOUnty o +reatYOU YOUty: +omparYOUson o Play and /est: .&#austYOUon as a Status Symbol and ProductYOU YOUty as Self6,ort# o +alm and StYOUllness: 5n&YOUety as a 9YOUfestyle o :eanYOUngful ,ork: Self6Doubt and ;Supposed (o< o 9aug#ter! Song and Dance: BeYOUng +ool and ;5lways YOUn control< ,#ole#earted lYOU YOUng YOUs about engagYOUng YOUn our lYOU es from a place of wort#YOUness% YOUt means cultYOU atYOUng t#e courage! compassYOUon! and connectYOUon% DefYOUnYOUtYOUon of ,#ole#earted YOUs based on t#ese fundamental YOUdeals: JsYOUgford =

Brene Brown 9o e and belongYOUng are YOUrreducYOUble needs of all men! women! and c#YOUldren% YOUt"s w#at gYOU es purpose and meanYOUng to our lYOU es% o (#ose w#o feel lo able! w#o lo e! and w#o e&perYOUence belongYOUng sYOUmply belYOUe e t#ey are wort#y of lo e and belongYOUng% (#ey don"t #a e fewer struggles or easYOUer lYOU es% o 5 strong belYOUef YOUn our wort#YOUness YOUs cultYOU ated w#en we understand guYOUdeposts as c#oYOUces and daYOUly practYOUces o :aYOUn concern YOUs to lYOU e a lYOUfe defYOUned by courage! compassYOUon! and connectYOUon% o ,#ole#earted YOUdentYOUfy ulnerabYOUlYOUty as t#e catalyst for courage! compassYOUon! and connectYOUon% (#ey attrYOUbute e eryt#YOUng to t#eYOUr abYOUlYOUty to be ulnerable% VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs t#e core! t#e #eart! t#e center! of meanYOUngful #uman e&perYOUences% YOUf we want to reYOUgnYOUte YOUnno atYOUon and passYOUon! )YOUn t#e workplace*! we #a e to re#umanYOU0e work% ,#en s#ame becomes a management style! engagement dYOUes% YOUn parentYOUng! t#e mandate YOUs not to be perfect and YOUt YOUs to raYOUse #appy c#YOUldren% PerfectYOUon doesn"t e&YOUst% P=> ,#at we know matters! but w#o we are matters more% P% =? o +#apter = ScarcYOUty: 9ookYOUng YOUnsYOUde our +ulture of ;7e er .noug#< ,e"re sYOUck of feelYOUng afraYOUd% ,e want to dare greatly% ,e"re tYOUred of t#e natYOUonal con ersatYOUon centerYOUng on ;,#at s#ould we fear2< and ;,#o s#ould we blame2< ,e all want to be bra e% /esearc#ers analy0ed @ decades of popular songs% 8ound a statYOUstYOUcally sYOUgnYOUfYOUcant trend toward narcYOUssYOUsm and #ostYOUlYOUty YOUn popular musYOUc% 5lso found a decrease YOUn usages suc# as we and us and an YOUncrease YOUn YOU and me% P% 'A 5lso found a declYOUne YOUn words related to socYOUal connectYOUon and posYOUtYOU e emotYOUons! and an YOUncrease YOUn words related to anger and antYOUsocYOUal be#a YOUor% YOUncYOUdence of narcYOUssYOUstYOUc personalYOUty dYOUsorder #as more t#an doubled YOUn t#e US YOUn t#e last =A years% UnderlyYOUng narcYOUssYOUstYOUc be#a YOUor YOUs really S-5:.% YOUt YOUs more lYOUkely t#e cause of t#ese be#a YOUors% P% '=% YOUt YOUs t#e fear of ne er feelYOUng e&traordYOUnary enoug# to be notYOUced! to be lo able! to belong! or to cultYOU ate a sense of purpose% '

JsYOUgford

Brene Brown P% '' ,-YOU(.can see #ow kYOUds t#at grow up on a steady dYOUet of realYOUty t% %! celebrYOUty culture! and unsuper YOUsed socYOUal medYOUa can absorb t#e message t#at ordYOUnary lYOUfe YOUs a meanYOUngless lYOUfe and can de elop a completely skewed sense of t#e world% YOU am only as good as t#e number of BlYOUkes" YOU get on 8acebook or YOUnstagram% P% '@ ,e need to consYOUder t#ese CuestYOUons: o ,#at are t#e messages and e&pectatYOUons t#at defYOUne our culture and #ow does culture YOUnfluence our be#a YOUor2 o -ow are our struggles and be#a YOUors related to protectYOUng oursel es2 o -ow are our be#a YOUors! t#oug#ts! and emotYOUons related to ulnerabYOUlYOUty and t#e need for a strong sense of wort#YOUness2 5re we surrounded by narcYOUssYOUsts2 7o% YOUnstead people are afraYOUd of beYOUng ordYOUnary and somet#YOUng e en deeper1 scarcYOUty% ,-YOU(.can tell w#en people resonate wYOUt# a topYOUc w#en t#ey look away CuYOUckly! co er t#eYOUr faces wYOUt# t#eYOUr #ands! respond wYOUt# ;ouc#!<! ;s#ut up!< or ;get out of my #ead%< (#ey respond t#YOUs way w#en t#ey #ear or see t#e p#rase: 7e er DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDenoug#% 8ollowYOUng are t#e prompts people respond to: o 7e er good enoug# o 7e er perfect enoug# o 7e er t#YOUn enoug# o 7e er powerful enoug# o 7e er successful enoug# o 7e er smart enoug# o 7e er certaYOUn enoug# o 7e er safe enoug# o 7e er e&traordYOUnary enoug# ,e get scarcYOUty because we lYOU e YOUt% P% '? ,e e en wake up wYOUt# t#e language ;YOU dYOUdn"t get enoug# sleep< so we start t#e day YOUn t#at mYOUndset% ,e e&acerbate t#YOUs YOUssue by constantly comparYOUng oursel es to real or fYOUctYOUonal accounts of #ow great someone else YOUs% Source of scarcYOUty 8eelYOUng of scarcYOUty does t#rYOU e YOUn s#ame6prone cultures t#at are deeply steeped YOUn comparYOUson and fractured by dYOUsengagement% ,-YOU(.#as seen a c#ange YOUn t#e last decade wYOUt# c#anges YOUn JsYOUgford @

Brene Brown our culture18rom EF==! to multYOUple wars! to catastrop#YOUc natural dYOUsasters1we"re sur YOU YOUng e ens t#at #a e torn at our sense of safety t#at we" e e&perYOUenced t#em as trauma% ,orryYOUng about scarcYOUty YOUs our culture"s ersYOUon of post6 traumatYOUc stress% )GuestYOUon: YOUs part of t#YOUs YOUssue t#at we #a e always #ad a lot! more t#an most countrYOUes and we" e come to e&pect YOUt as our rYOUg#t! our due%2 5re we too prYOU YOUleged2 GuestYOUon :YOUne22* (#YOUnk about t#e @ components of scarcYOUty: =% S#ame: YOUs fear of rYOUdYOUcule and belYOUttlYOUng used to manage people andFor to keep people YOUn lYOUne2 YOUs self6wort# tYOUed to ac#YOUe ement! productYOU YOUty! or complYOUance2 5re blamYOUng and fYOUnger6poYOUntYOUng norms2 5re put6downs and name6callYOUng rampant2 ,#at about fa orYOUtYOUsm2 YOUs perfectYOUonYOUsm an YOUssue2 '% +omparYOUson: -ealt#y competYOUtYOUon can be benefYOUcYOUal! but YOUs t#ere constant o ert or co ert comparYOUng and rankYOUng2 -as creatYOU YOUty been suffocated2 5re people #eld to one narrow standard rat#er t#an acknowledged for t#eYOUr unYOUCue gYOUfts and contrYOUbutYOUons2 YOUs t#ere an YOUdeal way of beYOUng or one form of talent t#at YOUs used as measurement of e eryone else"s wort#2 @% DYOUsengagement: 5re people afraYOUd to take rYOUsks or try new t#YOUngs2 YOUs YOUt easYOUer to stay CuYOUet t#an to s#are storYOUes! e&perYOUences! and YOUdeas2 Does YOUt feel as YOUf no one YOUs really payYOUng attentYOUon or lYOUstenYOUng2 YOUs e eryone strugglYOUng to be seen and #eard2 ,#en ,-YOU(.looks at t#ese CuestYOUons and t#e medYOUa! our larger culture and socYOUal6economYOUc6polYOUtYOUcal landscape! s#e answers Y.S! Y.S! and Y.S% Unless we pus# back on our culture on a daYOUly basYOUs! t#e default becomes a state of scarcYOUty% ,e"re called to ;dare greatly< e ery tYOUme we make c#oYOUces t#at c#allenge t#e socYOUal clYOUmate of scarcYOUty% +ounterapproac# to lYOU YOUng YOUn scarcYOUty YOUs not about abundance1YOUn fact s#e belYOUe es abundance and scarcYOUty are two sYOUdes of same coYOUn% (#e opposYOUte of ;ne er enoug#< YOUsn"t abundance or ;more t#an you could e er YOUmagYOUne%< (#e opposYOUte of scarcYOUty YOUs enoug#! or w#at s#e calls ,#ole#eartedness% 5t t#e ery core of ,#ole#eartedness YOUs ulnerabYOUlYOUty and wort#YOUness: facYOUng uncertaYOUnty! e&posure! and emotYOUonal rYOUsks! and knowYOUng t#at YOU am enoug#% (#e greatest casualtYOUes of a scarcYOUty culture are our JsYOUgford >

Brene Brown

wYOUllYOUngness to own our ulnerabYOUlYOUtYOUes and our abYOUlYOUty to engage wYOUt# t#e world from a place of wort#YOUness% P% 'E ,e"re sYOUck of feelYOUng afraYOUd% ,e all want to be bra e% ,e want to dare greatly% +#apter ': DebunkYOUng t#e ulnerabYOUlYOUty :yt#s )YOUt"s #ard to take notes on t#YOUs c#apter because e ery word and sentence are powerful% 7ote :YOUne* :yt# H =: ;VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs ,eakness%< ,#en we belYOUe e ulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs weakness! we feel contempt w#en ot#ers are less capable or wYOUllYOUng to mask feelYOUngs! suck YOUt up! and soldYOUer on% P% @@ /at#er t#an respectYOUng and apprecYOUatYOUng t#e courage and darYOUng be#YOUnd ulnerabYOUlYOUty! we let our fear and dYOUscomfort become Iudgment and crYOUtYOUcYOUsm% P% @@ VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUsn"t good or bad1YOUt"s t#e core of all emotYOUons and feelYOUngs% (o feel YOUs to be ulnerable% ,-YOU(.defYOUnes ulnerabYOUlYOUty as uncertaYOUnty! rYOUsk! and emotYOUonal e&posure% (o lo e YOUs to be ulnerable% (o put your art out t#ere YOUs to be ulnerable% (#e profound danger YOUs t#at we start to t#YOUnk of feelYOUng as weakness% P% @> ,YOUt# t#e e&ceptYOUon of anger 3w#YOUc# YOUs a secondary emotYOUon! one t#at only ser es as a socYOUally acceptable mask for many of t#e more dYOUffYOUcult underlyYOUng emotYOUons we feel4! we"re losYOUng our tolerance for emotYOUon and #ence for ulnerabYOUlYOUty% P% @> YOUt starts to make sense t#at we dYOUsmYOUss ulnerabYOUlYOUty as weakness only w#en we realYOU0e t#at we" e confused feelYOUng wYOUt# faYOUlYOUng and emotYOUons wYOUt# lYOUabYOUlYOUtYOUes% P @? ,e #a e to learn #ow to own and engage wYOUt# our ulnerabYOUlYOUty and #ow to feel t#e emotYOUons t#at come wYOUt# YOUt% +reatYOUng a defYOUnYOUtYOUon% ;VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs 6 DDDDDDDD 3-ere YOUs w#at some people saYOUd4 o S#arYOUng an unpopular opYOUnYOUon o StandYOUng up for myself o 5skYOUng for #elp o SayYOUng no o StartYOUng my own busYOUness o -elpYOUng my @J year old wYOUfe wYOUt# Stage > breast cancer make decYOUsYOUons about #er wYOUll o YOUnYOUtYOUatYOUng se& wYOUt# my wYOUfe o YOUnYOUtYOUatYOUng se& wYOUt# my #usband
JsYOUgford ?

Brene Brown -earYOUng #ow muc# my son wants to make fYOUrst c#aYOUr YOUn t#e orc#estra and encouragYOUng #YOUm w#YOUle knowYOUng t#at YOUt"s probably not goYOUng to #appen o +allYOUng a frYOUend w#ose c#YOUld Iust dYOUed )(#ere are many more e&amples on pp @K6@J% YOU"m sure you could add your own% 7ote mYOUne%* Do t#ese sound lYOUke weaknesses2 7O% VulnerabYOUlYOUty sounds lYOUke trut# and feels lYOUke courage% P% @J Yes! we are totally e&posed w#en we are ulnerable% Yes! we"re takYOUng a #uge emotYOUonal rYOUsk -ow does ulnerabYOUlYOUty feel2 YOUt"s takYOUng off t#e mask and #opYOUng t#e real me YOUsn"t too dYOUsappoYOUntYOUng 7ot suckYOUng YOUt YOUn anymore YOUt"s w#ere courage and fear meet% (akYOUng off a straYOUtIacket 8reedom and lYOUberatYOUon 8eels lYOUke fear! e ery sYOUngle tYOUme% 9ettYOUng go of control )(#ere are many more e&amples pp @L6@E% 5gaYOUn! YOU"m sure you could add your own% DYOUctYOUonary defYOUnYOUtYOUon of ulnerabYOUlYOUtyM ;capable of beYOUng wounded< and ;open to attack or damage%< DefYOUnYOUtYOUon of weaknessMYOUnabYOUlYOUty to wYOUt#stand attack or woundYOUng% So e en t#e dYOUctYOUonary does not t#YOUnk of ulnerabYOUlYOUty as weakness% P% @E -ealt# and socYOUal scYOUences acknowledge t#at t#e abYOUlYOUty to acknowledge our rYOUsks and e&posure! greatly YOUncreases our c#ances of ad#erYOUng to some kYOUnd of posYOUtYOU e #ealt# regYOUmen% YOUt YOUsn"t t#e le el of ulnerabYOUlYOUty t#at"s YOUmportant$ YOUt"s t#e le el at w#YOUc# we 5cknowledge our ulnerabYOUlYOUtYOUes around a certaYOUn YOUllness or t#reat% ,e lo e seeYOUng raw trut# and openness YOUn ot#er people! but we"re afraYOUd to let t#em see YOUt YOUn us% ,e"re afraYOUd our trut# YOUsn"t enoug#% P% >= -ere"s t#e cru& of t#e struggle: o YOU want to e&perYOUence your ulnerabYOUlYOUty but YOU don"t want to be ulnerable% o VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs courage YOUn you and YOUnadeCuacy YOUn me% o YOU"m drawn to your ulnerabYOUlYOUty but repelled by mYOUne% Pp% >'6>@% o JsYOUgford K

Brene Brown ,-YOU(.#as a ulnerabYOUlYOUty ;prayer%< GYOUve me the courage to GO up and let myself be seen. (#e wYOUllYOUngness to GO up c#anges us% YOUt makes us a lYOUttle bra er eac# tYOUme% VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs lYOUfe"s great dare% P% >@ )YOU 9OV. t#at lYOUne% 7ote mYOUne* (o dare greatly answer t#e followYOUng CuestYOUons: 5re you all YOUn2 +an you alue your own ulnerabYOUlYOUty as muc# as you alue YOUt YOUn ot#ers2< 5nswerYOUng yes YOUs courage and darYOUng greatly% P% >@%

:yt# H': YOU don"t do VulnerabYOUlYOUty 5 oYOUdYOUng ulnerabYOUlYOUty to protect one"s self doesn"t work% 5sk yourself: o ,#at do YOU do w#en YOU feel emotYOUonally e&posed2 o -ow do YOU be#a e w#en YOU"m feelYOUng ery uncomfortable and uncertaYOUn2 o -ow wYOUllYOUng am YOU to take emotYOUonal rYOUsks2 .&perYOUencYOUng ulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUsn"t a c#oYOUce1we only #a e t#e c#oYOUce YOUn #ow we wYOUll respond w#en we are confronted wYOUt# uncertaYOUnty! rYOUsk! and emotYOUonal e&posure% :yt# H@: VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs lettYOUng YOUt all #ang out +an t#ere be too muc# ulnerabYOUlYOUty% YOUt"s based on mutualYOUty and reCuYOUres boundarYOUes and trust% YOUt"s not o ers#arYOUng! YOUt"s not purgYOUng! YOUt"s not YOUndYOUscrYOUmYOUnate dYOUsclosure and YOUt"s not celebrYOUty6style socYOUal medYOUa YOUnformatYOUon dumps% YOUt"s about s#arYOUng our feelYOUngs and e&perYOUences wYOUt# people w#o #a e earned t#e rYOUg#t to #ear t#em% VulnerabYOUlYOUty wYOUt#out boundarYOUes leads to dYOUsconnectYOUon! dYOUstrust! and dYOUsengagement% ,e need to feel trust to be ulnerable and we need to be ulnerable YOUn order to trust% :yt# H>: ,e can go YOUt 5lone ,e need support

+#apter @: UnderstandYOUng and +ombatYOUng S#ame S#ame derYOU es YOUts power from beYOUng unspeakable% (#at"s w#y YOUt lo es perfectYOUonYOUsts1YOUt"s so easy to keep us CuYOUet% YOUf we speak s#ame! YOUt begYOUns to wYOUt#er% JsYOUgford J

Brene Brown S#ame resYOUlYOUence YOUs key to embracYOUng our ulnerabYOUlYOUty% Guote from -arry Potter w#en SYOUrYOUus told -arry to lYOUsten carefully! ;You"re not a bad person% You"re a ery good person w#o bad t#YOUngs #a e #appened to% BesYOUdes! t#e world YOUsn"t splYOUt YOUnto good people and Deat# .aters% ,e" e all got bot# lYOUg#t and dark YOUnsYOUde us% P% K= 5 sense of wort#YOUness YOUnspYOUres us to be ulnerable! s#are openly! and perse ere% S#ame keeps us small! resentful! and afraYOUd% P% K? Peter S#ee#an1aut#or! speaker! and +.O of +#ange9abs says! ;(#e secret kYOUller of YOUnno atYOUon YOUs s#ame% You can"t measure YOUt! but YOUt YOUs t#ere% (#at deep fear we all #a e of beYOUng wrong! of beYOUng belYOUttled and of feelYOUng less t#ank YOUs w#at stops us takYOUng t#e ery rYOUsks reCuYOUred to mo e our companYOUes forward% (#e notYOUon t#at t#e leader needs to be ;YOUn c#arge< and to ;know all t#e answers< YOUs bot# dated and destructYOU e P% K? ,e all carry gremlYOUns wYOUt# us w#YOUc# are remYOUnYOUscent of t#e mo YOUe ;GremlYOUns< % (#ey represent t#e manYOUpulatYOU e monsters t#at derYOU e pleasure from destructYOUon% YOUn many cYOUrcles! t#e word gremlYOUn #as become synonymous wYOUt# ;s#ame tape%< P% KK UnderstandYOUng our s#ame tapes or gremlYOUns YOUs crYOUtYOUcal to o ercomYOUng s#ame because we can"t always poYOUnt to a certaYOUn moment or a specYOUfYOUc put6down at t#e #ands of anot#er person% P% KJ S#ame derYOU es YOUts power from beYOUng unspeakable% (#at"s w#y YOUt lo es perfectYOUonYOUsts1YOUt"s so easy to keep us CuYOUet% S#ame resYOUlYOUence YOUs t#e abYOUlYOUty to say! ;(#YOUs #urts% (#YOUs YOUs dYOUsappoYOUntYOUng! maybe e en de astatYOUng% But success and recognYOUtYOUon and appro al are not alues t#at drYOU e me% :y alue YOUs courage and YOU was Iust courageous% You can mo e on! s#ame%< P% KJ ,#at YOUs S#ame and ,#y YOUs YOUt so #ard to talk about YOUt2 =% ,e all #a e YOUt% (#e only people w#o don"t are t#ose w#o lack t#e capacYOUty for empat#y and #uman connectYOUon% '% ,e"re all afraYOUd to talk about s#ame @% (#e less we talk about s#ame! t#e more control YOUt #as o er our lYOU es% (#YOUnk about YOUt t#YOUs way: =% S#ame YOUs t#e fear of dYOUsconnectYOUon% ,e are psyc#ologYOUcally! emotYOUonally! cognYOUtYOU ely! and spYOUrYOUtually #ardwYOUred for connectYOUon! lo e! and belongYOUng% YOUt"s w#y we are #ere% '% DefYOUnYOUtYOUon of s#ame from Brown"s researc#: S#ame YOUs t#e YOUntensely paYOUnful feelYOUng or e&perYOUence of belYOUe YOUng JsYOUgford L

Brene Brown t#at we are flawed and t#erefore unwort#y of lo e and belongYOUng% P! KE =' S#ame categorYOUes: =% 5ppearance and body YOUmage '% :oney and work @% :ot#er#oodFfat#er#ood >% 8amYOUly ?% ParentYOUng K% :ental and p#ysYOUcal #ealt# J% 5ddYOUctYOUon L% Se& E% 5gYOUng =A% /elYOUgYOUon ==% Sur YOU YOUng trauma ='% BeYOUng stereotyped or labeled p% KE S#ame YOUs partYOUcularly #ard because YOUt #ates #a YOUng words wrapped around YOUt% YOUt #ates beYOUng spoken% P% J= UntanglYOUng S#ame! GuYOUlt! -umYOUlYOUatYOUon! and .mbarrassment DYOUfference between s#ame and guYOUlt% GuYOUltM ;YOU dYOUd somet#YOUng bad% S#ameM ;YOU am bad%< p% J= ,#en we apologYOU0e for somet#YOUng we" e done! make amends! or c#ange a be#a YOUor t#at doesn"t alYOUgn wYOUt# our alues! guYOUlt1 not s#ame1YOUs most often t#e drYOU YOUng force% ,e feel guYOUlty w#en we #old up somet#YOUng we" e done or faYOUled to do agaYOUnst our alues and fYOUnd t#ey don"t matc# up% GuYOUlt YOUs Iust as powerful as s#ame! but YOUts YOUnfluence YOUs posYOUtYOU e! w#YOUle s#ame"s YOUs destructYOU e% YOUn fact! YOUn my researc# YOU found t#at s#ame corrodes t#e ery part of us t#at belYOUe es we can c#ange and do better% P% J' ,e lYOU e YOUn a world w#ere most people stYOUll subscrYOUbe to t#e belYOUef t#at s#ame YOUs a good tool for keepYOUng people YOUn lYOUne% 7ot only YOUs t#YOUs wrong! but YOUt"s dangerous% p% J@ S#ame YOUs #YOUg#ly correlated wYOUt# addYOUctYOUon! YOUolence! aggressYOUon! depressYOUon! eatYOUng dYOUsorders! and bullyYOUng% /esearc#ers don"t fYOUnd s#ame correlated wYOUt# posYOUtYOU e outcomes at all1t#ere are no data to support t#at s#ame YOUs a #elpful compass for good be#a YOUor% YOUn fact! s#ame YOUs muc# more lYOUkely to be t#e cause of destructYOU e and #urtful be#a YOUors t#an YOUt YOUs to be t#e solutYOUon% P% J@ -umYOUlYOUatYOUon YOUs anot#er word t#at we often confuse wYOUt# s#ame% Donald NleYOUn wrYOUtes t#at t#e dYOUfference YOUs t#at JsYOUgford E

Brene Brown people belYOUe e t#ey deser e t#eYOUr s#ame$ t#ey do not belYOUe e t#ey deser e t#eYOUr #umYOUlYOUatYOUon% P% J@ .mbarrassment YOUs #e least serYOUous of t#e > emotYOUons% YOUt"s usually fleetYOUng% YOU get YOUt! s#ame YOUs bad% So w#at do we do about YOUt2 (#e answer YOUs resYOUlYOUence% YOUn #er researc# s#e #as found t#at people w#o #a e s#ame resYOUstance #a e > t#YOUngs YOUn common1 elements of s#ame resYOUlYOUence w#YOUc# YOUs about mo YOUng from s#ame to empat#y1t#e real antYOUdote to s#ame% Self6compassYOUon YOUs crYOUtYOUcally YOUmportant% > elements of s#ame resYOUstance: /ecognYOU0YOUng s#ame and understandYOUng YOUts trYOUggers1+an you fYOUgure out w#at messages and e&pectatYOUons trYOUggered YOUt2 PractYOUcYOUng +rYOUtYOUcal 5wareness1+an you realYOUty6c#eck t#e messages and e&pectatYOUons t#at are drYOU YOUng your s#ame2 5re t#ey realYOUstYOUc2 5ttaYOUnable2 /eac#YOUng out15re you ownYOUng and s#arYOUng your story2 SpeakYOUng S#ame15re you talkYOUng about #ow you feel and askYOUng for w#at you need w#en you feel s#ame2 S#ame resYOUlYOUence YOUs a strategy for protectYOUng connectYOUon But YOUt reCuYOUres cognYOUtYOUon or t#YOUnkYOUng% -owe er! s#ame may Iust descend because YOUt #YOUg#Iacks t#e lYOUmbYOUc system to access t#e fYOUg#t6or6flYOUg#t part of t#e braYOUn YOUnstead of t#e frontal lobe of t#e t#YOUnkYOUng braYOUn% (o deal wYOUt# s#ame! some of us mo e away by wYOUt#drawYOUng! #YOUdYOUng! sYOUlencYOUng oursel es! and keepYOUng secrets% Some of us mo e toward by seekYOUng to appease and please% 5nd some of us mo e agaYOUnst by tryYOUng to gaYOUn power o er ot#ers! by beYOUng aggressYOU e! and usYOUng s#ame to fYOUg#t s#ame% P% JL

S#ame t#rYOU es on secrecy% James Pennebaker and colleagues studYOUed w#at #appened w#en trauma sur YOU ors1specYOUfYOUcally rape and YOUncest sur YOU ors1kept t#eYOUr e&perYOUences secret% (#ey found t#at not dYOUscussYOUng t#e e ent can be more damagYOUng t#an t#e actual e ent% :en and ,omen: -ow t#ey e&perYOUence s#ame DYOUfferently :en #a e t#eYOUr own storYOUes too ,omen"s defYOUnYOUtYOUon of s#ame o 9ook perfect% Do perfect% Be perfect o BeYOUng Iudged by ot#er mot#ers% o BeYOUng e&posed1flawed parts of yourself JsYOUgford =A

Brene Brown 7o matter w#at YOU ac#YOUe e or #ow far YOU" e come! w#ere YOU come from and w#at YOU" e sur YOU ed wYOUll always keep me from feelYOUng lYOUke YOU"m good enoug# o . eryone e&pects you to do YOUt all o 7e er enoug# at #ome! work! YOUn be! wYOUt# my parents o 7o seat at t#e cool table% (#e pretty gYOUrls are laug#YOUng% 8or women! t#ere YOUs s#ame about not beYOUng t#YOUn! young! and beautYOUful enoug#% :ot#er#ood YOUs a close second YOUn s#ame trYOUggers% (#e real struggles YOU t#at we are e&pected to be perfect and not look as YOUf we are workYOUng for YOUt% Often double6bYOUnd e%g% be perfect but don"t look lYOUke YOUt"s an effort% o Don"t upset anyone but say w#at"s on your mYOUnd o DYOUal se&ualYOUty way up but dYOUal YOUt down at P(O meetYOUng o Be yourself but not YOUf YOUt means beYOUng s#y or unsure o Don"t make people feel uncomfortable but be #onest o Don"t" get too emotYOUonal but don"t be too detac#ed% /esearc# #as found t#at most YOUmportant attrYOUbutes assocYOUated wYOUt# beYOUng femYOUnYOUne are beYOUng nYOUce! pursYOUng a t#YOUn body YOUdeal! GOYOUng modesty by not callYOUng attentYOUon to one"s talents or abYOUlYOUtYOUes! beYOUng domestYOUc! carYOUng for c#YOUldren! YOUn estYOUng YOUn a romantYOUc relatYOUons#YOUp! keepYOUng se&ual YOUntYOUmacy contaYOUned wYOUt#YOUn one commYOUtted relatYOUons#YOUp UsYOUng resources to YOUn est YOUn appearance% -ow :en e&perYOUence S#ame 8aYOUlure% 5t work! football fYOUeld! YOUn marrYOUage! YOUn bed! wYOUt# money% ,#ere er faYOUlure YOUs BeYOUng wrong BeYOUng defectYOU e YOUf people t#YOUnk you"re soft! not toug# /e ealYOUng any weakness GOYOUng fear BeYOUng seen as ;t#e guy you can s#o e up agaYOUnst t#e lockers< BeYOUng crYOUtYOUcYOU0ed or rYOUdYOUculed O erall rule for men1don"t be weak% ,e ask t#em to be ulnerable! we beg t#em to let us YOUn! and we plead wYOUt# t#em to tell us w#en t#ey"re afraYOUd! but t#e trut# YOUs t#at most women can"t stomac# YOUt% (#ere YOUs also a cultural message t#at promotes #omop#obYOUc cruelty% (o be masculYOUne you must GO an outward dYOUsgust toward t#e gay communYOUty% P% =AL o JsYOUgford ==

Brene Brown

7ot to sYOUmplYOUfy but t#ere seems to be ' responses to s#ame for men: gettYOUng pYOUssed off or s#uttYOUng down% YOUf men don"t de elop a response to s#ame! t#ey feel t#at rus# of YOUnadeCuacy and smallness t#at precYOUpYOUtates a response of anger andFor completely turnYOUng off% P% EJ S#ame resYOUlYOUence YOUs about fYOUndYOUng a mYOUddle pat# t#at allows us to stay engaged and fYOUnd t#e emotYOUonal courage to respond YOUn a way t#at alYOUgns wYOUt# our alues /esearc# GOs t#at we Iudge people YOUn areas w#ere we"re ulnerable to s#ame! especYOUally pYOUckYOUng folks w#o are doYOUng worse t#an we"re doYOUng% YOUn sc#ools ' patterns emerge: +#YOUldren w#o bully or put ot#ers down often #a e parents w#o e&#YOUbYOUt t#at be#a YOUor % (#e ' nd pattern relates to t#e age w#en t#e patterns emerge% (#e bullyYOUng YOUs startYOUng YOUn muc# younger c#YOUldren ,#en we enter gender straYOUtIackets! our s#ame trYOUggers get reYOUnforced% (#e role playYOUng becomes almost unbearable around mYOUdlYOUfe% :en feel YOUncreasYOUngly dYOUsconnected! and t#e fear of faYOUlure becomes paraly0YOUng% ,omen are e&#austed and t#ey begYOUn to see clearly t#at t#e e&pectatYOUons are YOUmpossYOUble% YOUf we"re goYOUng to fYOUnd our way out of s#ame and back to eac# ot#er! ulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs t#e pat# and courage YOUs t#e lYOUg#t% (o lo e oursel es and support eac# ot#er YOUn t#e process of becomYOUng real YOUs per#aps t#e greatest sYOUngle act of darYOUng greatly% P% ==A +#apter >: (#e VulnerabYOUlYOUty 5rmory BeYOUng able to take away t#e mask comes from a sense of wort#YOUness! boundarYOUes! and engagement% 5t t#e core YOUs t#e belYOUef t#at YOU am enoug# 3wort#YOUness s% s#ame! YOU" e #ad enoug# 3boundarYOUes s% one6 upYOUng and comparYOUson! GOYOUng up! takYOUng rYOUsks and lettYOUng myself be seen YOUs enoug# 3engagement s% dYOUsengagement4 ,e all #a e a ;common ulnerabYOUlYOUty arsenal< t#at we YOUncorporate YOUnto our armor% (#ey are: forebodYOUng Ioy! perfectYOUonYOUsm! and numbYOUng% =% 8orebodYOUng Ioy: Joy YOUs probably t#e most dYOUffYOUcult emotYOUon to really feel% Because w#en we lost t#e abYOUlYOUty or JsYOUgford ='

Brene Brown wYOUllYOUngness to be ulnerable! Ioy becomes somet#YOUng we approac# wYOUt# deep forebodYOUng% a% YOUn a culture of deep scarcYOUty! Ioy can feel lYOUke a setup1 too good to be true% b% YOUn tYOUmes of deep Ioy people feel lYOUke t#ey are at t#eYOUr most ulnerable! e%g% #a YOUng a baby! gettYOUng promoted c% (#YOUs YOUs a way to mYOUnYOUmYOU0e ulnerabYOUlYOUty by ;re#earsYOUng tragedy%< d% 5ccompanyYOUng Ioy YOUs t#e YOUn YOUtatYOUon to practYOUce gratYOUtude% P% ='@ +an"t talk about Ioy wYOUt#out talkYOUng about gratYOUtude% e% PractYOUcYOUng gratYOUtude YOUs #ow we acknowledge t#at t#ere"s enoug# and t#at we"re enoug#% f% Joy comes to us YOUn ordYOUnary moments and we rYOUsk mYOUssYOUng out on YOUt YOUf we get too busy c#asYOUng t#e e&traordYOUnary% g% Be grateful for w#at you #a e% #% Don"t sCuander IoyO '% PerfectYOUonYOUsm: YOUt"s 7O(: same t#YOUng as strYOU YOUng for e&cellence! self6YOUmpro ement! key to success% a% YOUt"s self6destructYOU e and addYOUctYOU e b% YOUt doesn"t e&YOUst and YOUt"s unattaYOUnable c% 5ddYOUctYOU e1we become entrenc#ed YOUn t#e Cuest @% 7umbYOUng a% One of unYOU ersal strategYOUes YOUs to be ;cra0y6busy%< b% 5n&YOUety and dYOUsconnectYOUon are drYOU ers of numbYOUng YOUn addYOUtYOUon to s#ame% c% 5n&YOUety1fueled by uncertaYOUnty! o erw#elmYOUng and competYOUng demands on our tYOUme! and socYOUal dYOUscomfort% d% 7umbYOUng YOUs a way to take edge off YOUnstabYOUlYOUty and YOUnadeCuacy% e% S#ame often leads to desperatYOUon% f% (#e lYOUteral c#emYOUcal anest#etYOU0YOUng of emotYOUons YOUs Iust a pleasant! albeYOUt dangerous! sYOUde effect of be#a YOUors t#at are more about fYOUttYOUng YOUn! fYOUndYOUng connectYOUon! and managYOUng an&YOUety% P% =>= StrategYOUes to lead a ,#ole#earted lYOUfe! away from numbYOUng: =% 9earn #ow to actually feel t#eYOUr feelYOUngs '% Stay mYOUndful about numbYOUng be#a YOUors JsYOUgford =@

Brene Brown @% 9earn #ow to lean YOUnto t#e dYOUscomfort of #ard emotYOUons% (#e group t#at struggled t#e most wYOUt# numbYOUng e&plaYOUned t#at reducYOUng an&YOUety meant fYOUndYOUng ways to numb YOUt! not c#angYOUng t#e t#YOUnkYOUng! be#a YOUors! or emotYOUons t#at created an&YOUety% ,e #a e to belYOUe e we are wort#y enoug# YOUn order to say ;.noug#P< p% =>? 8or us to e&perYOUence deep lo e and belongYOUng! we must feel wort#y of YOUt% DefYOUnYOUtYOUon of connectYOUon: energy created between people w#en t#ey feel seen! #eard! and alued$ w#en t#ey can gYOU e and receYOU e wYOUt#out Iudgment BelongYOUng: YOUnnate #uman desYOUre to be part of somet#YOUng larger t#an us% +are and 8eedYOUng of our SpYOUrYOUts ,#at YOUs lYOUne between pleasure or comfort and numbYOUng2 66YOUt"s ,-Y you do YOUt t#at makes a dYOUfference% P% =>K 5re my c#oYOUces comfortYOUng and nourYOUs#YOUng my spYOUrYOUt! or are t#ey temporary reprYOUe es from ulnerabYOUlYOUty and dYOUffYOUcult emotYOUons ultYOUmately dYOUmYOUnYOUs#YOUng my spYOUrYOUt2 5re my c#oYOUces leadYOUng to my ,#ole#eartedness! or do t#ey lea e me feelYOUng empty and searc#YOUng2 S#YOUelds agaYOUnst ulnerabYOUlYOUty: @ most popular are forebodYOUng Ioy! perfectYOUonYOUsm! and numbYOUng% (#ere are less freCuent ones: =% VYOUkYOUngs or VYOUctYOUms: :ost w#o YOUew t#e world t#YOUs way are men! but t#ere are women too% (#ey often work YOUn careers t#at reYOUnforce t#YOUs YOUewpoYOUnt e%g% mYOUlYOUtary! law! tec#nology! fYOUnance% ,#en we lead from t#YOUs mYOUndset! we crus# faYOUt#! YOUnno atYOUon! creatYOU YOUty! and adaptabYOUlYOUty to c#ange% p =?? (#YOUs VYOUkYOUng or VYOUctYOUm armor can perpetuate a sense of ongoYOUng YOUctYOUm#ood for people w#o constantly struggle wYOUt# t#e YOUdea t#at t#ey"re beYOUng targeted or unfaYOUrly treated% People can occupy ' posYOUtYOUons1power o er or powerlessness w#YOUc# lea es lYOUttle #ope for transformatYOUon and meanYOUngful c#ange because of t#e e&treme roles% /edefYOUnYOUng Success! /eYOUntegratYOUng ulnerabYOUlYOUty! and seekYOUng support YOUn VYOUkYOUngFVYOUctYOUm mentalYOUty1YOUmportant to e&amYOUne #ow one defYOUnes success% 8ear and scarcYOUty fuel t#e VYOUkYOUng6or6VYOUctYOUm approac# and part of reYOUntegratYOUng JsYOUgford =>

Brene Brown ulnerabYOUlYOUty means e&amYOUnYOUng s#ame trYOUggers% (#YOUs YOUs partYOUcularly YOUmportant wYOUt# our returnYOUng ets18or soldYOUers ser YOUng YOUn 5fg#anYOUstan and YOUraC! comYOUng #ome YOUs more let#al t#an beYOUng YOUn combat% P% =?@ (rauma and DarYOUng Greatly ,#y do some people sur YOU e trauma2 66/esYOUlYOUence% Plus! t#ose w#o see t#e world t#roug# t#e VYOUctYOUmFVYOUkYOUng lens feel YOUmpossYOUble or e en deadly to let go of t#at world YOUew% /esearc# partYOUcYOUpants w#o sur YOU ed trauma and are lYOU YOUng ,#ole#earted lYOU es spoke about t#e need to: 5cknowledge t#e problem Seek professYOUonal #elpFsupport ,ork t#roug# t#e accompanyYOUng s#ame and secrecy 5pproac# reYOUntegratYOUon of ulnerabYOUlYOUty as a daYOUly practYOUce rat#er t#an a c#ecklYOUst YOUtem% ' e&amples of o ers#arYOUng YOUn our culture: floodlYOUg#tYOUng and smas# and grab 8loodlYOUg#tYOUng: S#arYOUng somet#YOUng and e&pectYOUng t#at suddenly we are B88s fore er% Usually we do t#YOUs gradually% ,#en we s#are ulnerabYOUlYOUty! wYOUt# someone wYOUt# w#om t#ere YOUs no connectYOU YOUty! t#eYOUr emotYOUonal and sometYOUmes p#ysYOUcal response YOUs often to wYOUnce as t#oug# we #a e s#one a floodlYOUg#t YOUnto t#eYOUr eyes% YOUt"s rare t#at we"re able to stay attuned w#en someone"s o ers#arYOUng #as stretc#ed past our connectYOU YOUty wYOUt# t#em% P% =>A SometYOUmes we aren"t aware t#at we are o ers#arYOUng% (#YOUnk of only s#arYOUng e&perYOUences you #a e worked t#roug# and feel t#at you can s#are from solYOUd ground% P% =>=% 5lso don"t s#are stuff you are workYOUng t#roug# wYOUt# your own unmet needs% (#YOUnk about ,#y am YOU s#arYOUng t#YOUs2 ,#at outcome am YOU #opYOUng for2 ,#at emotYOUons am YOU e&perYOUencYOUng2 ,#at are my YOUntentYOUons2 YOUs t#YOUs YOUn t#e ser YOUce of connectYOUon2 5m YOU genuYOUnely askYOUng people for w#at YOU need2 Pp% =>=6=>@% Smas# and Grab YOUf floodlYOUg#tYOUng YOUs about mYOUs usYOUng ulnerabYOUlYOUty! smas# and grab YOUs about manYOUpulatYOUon1 JsYOUgford =?

Brene Brown YOUt"s about smas#YOUng t#roug# socYOUal boundarYOUes wYOUt# YOUntYOUmate YOUnformatYOUon! t#en grabbYOUng attentYOUon and energy you can get your #ands on% o 8eels lYOUke a false attempt at YOUntYOUmate connectYOUon 5not#er s#YOUeld YOUs serpentYOUnYOUng1runnYOUng 0YOUg0ag from t#e YOUssue to dodge ulnerabYOUlYOUty rat#er t#an #YOUt YOUt #ead on% ,e use YOUt dodge! #YOUde out% o (o counteract t#YOUs! w#en we feel lYOUke 0YOUg0aggYOUng away YOUs to be present! pay attentYOUon! and mo e forward% 5not#er s#YOUeld YOUs cynYOUcYOUsm! crYOUtYOUcYOUsm! cool! and cruelty% ,#ene er you Dare Greatly and put yourself out t#ere! you wYOUll be subIect to crYOUtYOUcYOUsm! cynYOUcYOUsm! etc% YOUf someone doesn"t ;do< ulnerabYOUlYOUty! and t#ey see someone out t#ere w#o YOUs DarYOUng Greatly! t#e someone YOUs lYOUkely to attack wYOUt# cynYOUcYOUsm! crYOUtYOUcYOUsm! cool! or cruelty because t#e fear of ulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs t#e drYOU er% +ynYOUcYOUsm and cool are ery common YOUn mYOUddle and #YOUg# sc#ool% 5s adults! we also use cool by usYOUng our tYOUtles! posYOUtYOUons! educatYOUon! etc% o (o counteract t#YOUs! YOUt YOUs not good for us YOUf we stop carYOUng because t#at makes us lose our capacYOUty for connectYOUon% YOUf we become defYOUned by w#at people t#YOUnk! we lose our wYOUllYOUngness to be ulnerable% YOUf we dYOUsmYOUss all YOUmportant crYOUtYOUcYOUsm! we lose out on YOUmportant feedback% S#ame resYOUlYOUence YOUs t#e answer and our safety net YOUs t#e one or two people YOUn our lYOU es w#o can #elp us realYOUty6c#eck% o People w#o crYOUtYOUcYOU0e ot#ers constantly use crYOUtYOUcYOUsm as a way to be #eard% YOUf you don"t feel comfortable ownYOUng YOUt )your comments*! t#en don"t say YOUt% P% =JA (#en personally! only pay attentYOUon to t#e crYOUtYOUcYOUsm from people w#o are also DarYOUng Greatly and out t#ere YOUn t#e ;arena%< BeYOUng ulnerable and present% ,-YOU(.also carrYOUes a lYOUst of people w#o matter% 3= or ' people w#o are true frYOUends% 4 ,#en crYOUtYOUcYOU0ed! s#e looks at t#at lYOUst and e aluates YOUf s#e YOUs tryYOUng to gaYOUn t#e appro al of strangers w#en w#at matters are t#e true frYOUends on t#e lYOUst% +#apter ?: :YOUnd t#e Gap: cultYOU atYOUng +#ange and +losYOUng t#e DYOUsengagement DYOU YOUde :YOUndYOUng t#e Gap YOUs darYOUng1YOUt"s payYOUng attentYOUon to t#e space w#ere we"re actually standYOUng and w#ere we want to be% ,-YOU(.argues t#at dYOUsengagement YOUs YOUssue underlyYOUng JsYOUgford =K

Brene Brown maIorYOUty of problems s#e sees YOUn famYOUlYOUes! sc#ools! communYOUtYOUes! and organYOU0atYOUons% ,e dYOUsengage to protect oursel es from ulnerabYOUlYOUty! s#ame! and feelYOUng lost and wYOUt#out purpose% ,e also dYOUsengage w#en we feel lYOUke our leaders aren"t lYOU YOUng up to t#eYOUr end of t#e socYOUal contract! e%g% polYOUtYOUcYOUans! relYOUgYOUous leaders and ot#er leaders -ow does t#YOUs gap occur from w#at YOUs espoused to w#at YOUs done2 o Value gap1gap from our practYOUced alues 3w#at we"re actually doYOUng! t#YOUnkYOUng! and feelYOUng and our aspYOUratYOUonal 3w#at we want to do! t#YOUnk! and feel4 alues% (#e most de#umanYOU0YOUng cultures foster t#e #YOUg#est le els of dYOUsengagement% o .&amples of gaps YOUn famYOUlYOUes: o 5spYOUratYOUonal alue1#onesty and YOUntegrYOUty$ practYOUced alueMratYOUonalYOU0YOUng and lettYOUng t#YOUngs slYOUde o 5spYOUratYOUonalMrespect and accountabYOUlYOUty$ practYOUced1fast and easy YOUs more YOUmportant o 5spYOUratYOUonalMgratYOUtude and respect$ PractYOUcedMteasYOUng! takYOUng for granted! dYOUsrespect o 5spYOUratYOUonalMsettYOUng lYOUmYOUtes$ PractYOUced1 rebellYOUon and cool are YOUmportant o .&amples of 5lYOUgned Values: o 5spYOUratYOUonalMemotYOUonal connectYOUon and #onored feelYOUngs$ PractYOUcedMemotYOUonal connectYOUon and #onored feelYOUngs ,e #a e to pay attentYOUon to t#e space between w#ere we"re actually standYOUng and w#ere we want to be% P% =E= +#apter K: FdYOUsruptYOU e .ngagement: DarYOUng to re#umanYOU0e educatYOUon and work (o reYOUgnYOUte creatYOU YOUty! YOUnno atYOUon! and learnYOUng! leaders must re#umanYOU0e educatYOUon and work% (#YOUs means #a YOUng #onest con ersatYOUons about ulnerabYOUlYOUty and recognYOU0YOUng and combatYOUng s#ame% P% =L> :ost people and most organYOU0atYOUons can"t stand t#e uncertaYOUnty and rYOUsk of real YOUnno atYOUon% 9earnYOUng and cratYOUng are YOUn#erently ulnerable% (#ere"s ne er enoug# certaYOUnty% )UnderlYOUnYOUng mYOUne*% People want guarantees% P% =LK

JsYOUgford

=J

Brene Brown S#ame breeds fear% YOUt crus#es our tolerance for ulnerabYOUlYOUty! t#ereby kYOUllYOUng engagement! YOUnno atYOUon! creatYOU YOUty! productYOU YOUty! and trust% YOUt can ra age organYOU0atYOUons before we see one outward sYOUgn of a problem% BlamYOUng! gossYOUpYOUng! fa orYOUtYOUsm! name6callYOUng! and #arassment are all be#a YOUor cues t#at s#ame #as permeated a culture% 5 more ob YOUous sYOUgn YOUs w#en s#ame becomes an outrYOUg#t management tool% P% =LE ,-YOU(.#as ne er been to a s#ame6free sc#ool or organYOU0atYOUon! p% =LE )(#at"s a powerful statement% 7ote mYOUne* L?Q of researc# partYOUcYOUpants recall a sc#ool YOUncYOUdent from t#eYOUr c#YOUld#ood t#at was s#amYOUng% P% =LE )(#at"s a lotPPP 7ote mYOUne* ,#en students were told t#ey weren"t good artYOUsts! wrYOUters! good at mat#! etc% +orporatYOUons #a e YOUssues too% @JQ of US workforce say t#ey were bullYOUed at work% ,#en we see s#ame beYOUng used as management tool we need to take dYOUrect actYOUon because YOUt means we #a e an YOUnfestatYOUon on our #ands% P% =EA S#ame can only rYOUse so far YOUn any system before people dYOUsengage to protect t#emsel es% ,#en we"re dYOUsengaged! we don"t GO up! we don"t contrYOUbute! and we stop carYOUng% P% =E' (#ere can be e&ternal t#reats t#at cause s#ame )7+9B report cards and beYOUng on 5YP! for e&ample% 7ote mYOUne* 5s a leader YOUt YOUs YOUmportant to speak out publYOUc medYOUa abuse because our employees are affected% Blame Game: YOUf blame YOUs drYOU YOUng! s#ame YOUs rYOUdYOUng s#otgun% BlamYOUng and fYOUnger6poYOUntYOUng are often symptoms of s#ame YOUn organYOU0atYOUons% Blame YOUs t#e dYOUsc#argYOUng of paYOUn and dYOUscomfort% 7ot#YOUng productYOU e about blame% P% =E? +o er6Up +ulture: +o er6up depends on s#ame to keep folks CuYOUet% P% =E? > strategYOUes for buYOUldYOUng s#ame6resYOUlYOUent organYOU0atYOUons: =% supportYOUng leaders w#o are wYOUllYOUng to dare greatly and facYOUlYOUtate #onest con ersatYOUons about s#ame and cultYOU ate s#ame6resYOUlYOUent cultures '% 8acYOUlYOUtatYOUng a conscYOUentYOUous effort to see w#ere JsYOUgford =L

Brene Brown s#ame mYOUg#t be functYOUonYOUng YOUn t#e org% and #ow YOUt mYOUg#t e en be creepYOUng YOUnto t#e way we engage wYOUt# our co6workers and students @% 7ormalYOU0YOUng YOUs a crYOUtYOUcal s#ame6resYOUlYOUence strategy% 9eaders and mgrs can cultYOU ate engagement b #elpYOUng people know w#at to e&pect >% (raYOUnYOUng all employees on t#e dYOUfferences between s#ame and guYOUlt! and teac#YOUng t#em #ow to gYOU e and receYOU e feedback YOUn a way t#at fosters growt# and engagement% :YOUndYOUng t#e Gap wYOUt# 8eedback ,e" e become so drYOU en by metrYOUcs t#at we are not gYOU YOUng feedback as muc#% ,YOUt#out feedback t#ere can be no transformatYOU e c#ange% DYOUsengagement follows% P% =EJ People are desperate for feedback1t#ey want to grow% DYOUscomfort YOUs normal! YOUt"s goYOUng to #appen% 5s leaders we need to cultYOU ate t#e courage to be uncomfortable and to teac# people around us #ow to accept dYOUscomfort as part of growt#% +an YOUew feedback from strengt#s perspectYOU e and we can YOUn entory #ow to use t#ose strengt#s to address related c#allenges% P% 'AA VulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs at t#e #eart of feedback process% P% 'A= SometYOUmes we ;armor up< to protect oursel es w#en we gYOU e feedback% ,e may say t#YOUngs lYOUke! ;(#ey deser e to be #urt or put down% ; ,-YOU(.#as learned t#at w#en s#e YOUs feelYOUng self6rYOUg#teous! YOUt means s#e YOUs afraYOUd% P% 'A'% One way to gYOU e feedback from ;rYOUg#t< place YOUs to sYOUt at t#e same sYOUde of t#e table or take t#e desk away from separatYOUng t#e person gYOU YOUng feedback from t#e person receYOU YOUng YOUt% P% 'A>% GYOU YOUng and receYOU YOUng feedback YOUs about learnYOUng and growt#% P% 'AK Set# GrodYOUn YOUn (rYOUbes: ,e 7eed you to 9ead us! YOUf you"re not uncomfortable YOUn your work as a leader! YOUt"s almost certaYOUn you"re not reac#YOUng your potentYOUal as a leader%< P% '== ,-YOU(.#as a DarYOUng Greatly 9eaders#YOUp :anYOUfesto on p% '=' (#ere YOUs also a copy on #er websYOUte www%brenebrown%com +#apter J: ,#ole#earted ParentYOUng: DarYOUng to be t#e adults we want our c#YOUldren to be ParentYOUng YOUs a s#ame and Iudgment mYOUnefYOUeld precYOUsely because most of us are wadYOUng t#roug# uncertaYOUnty and self6doubt w#en YOUt comes to raYOUsYOUng our c#YOUldren% P% '=K (#ere YOUs no suc# t#YOUng as perfect parentYOUng and t#ere are no guarantees% ,#o we are and #ow we engage JsYOUgford =E

Brene Brown wYOUt# t#e world are muc# stronger predYOUctors of #ow our c#YOUldren wYOUll do t#an w#at we know about parentYOUng% P% '=K S#ame researc# begYOUns YOUn famYOUlYOUes% Our storYOUes of wort#YOUness1of beYOUng enoug#1begYOUn YOUn our fYOUrst famYOUlYOUes% Powerful parentYOUng opportunYOUtYOUes lYOUe YOUn teac#YOUng our c#YOUldren resYOUlYOUence YOUn t#e face of relentless ;ne er enoug#< cultural messages% P%'=J YOUf we want our c#YOUldren to lo e and accept w#o t#ey are! our Iob YOUs to lo e and accept w#o we are% P% '=E YOUf we constantly model t#at we must be perfect! our c#YOUldren wYOUll adopt t#at attYOUtude% P% ''' S#ame YOUs so paYOUnful for c#YOUldren because YOUt YOUs YOUne&trYOUcably lYOUnked to t#e fear of beYOUng unlo able% P% ''?% :essages s#ould be ;You are makYOUng a mess< 7O( ;You 5/. a mess%< 7O( ;Bad gYOUrl%< But ; You made a bad c#oYOUce%< P% ''? +#YOUld#ood e&perYOUences of s#ame c#ange w#o we are! #ow we t#YOUnk about oursel es! and our sense of self6wort#% P% ''K BasYOUcally! we can"t raYOUse c#YOUldren w#o are more s#ame resYOUlYOUent t#an we are% P% ''K 5 lot of parentYOUng books use s#ame as a tool1;You #a e to breastfeed YOUn a certaYOUn way for e&ample< One of t#e best ways to GO our c#YOUldren t#at or lo e for t#em YOUs uncondYOUtYOUonal YOUs to make sure t#ey know t#ey belong YOUn our famYOUlYOUes% One of t#e bYOUggest surprYOUses YOUn t#YOUs researc# was learnYOUng t#at fYOUttYOUng YOUn and belongYOUng are not t#e same t#YOUng% YOUn fact! fYOUttYOUng YOUn YOUs one of t#e greatest barrYOUers to belongYOUng% 8YOUttYOUng YOUn YOUs about assessYOUng a sYOUtuatYOUon and becomYOUng w#o you need to be YOUn order to be accepted% BelongYOUng! !!!doesn"t reCuYOUre us to c#ange w#o we are$ YOUt reCuYOUres us to be w#o we are% P% '@' Parents w#o raYOUse ,#ole#earted c#YOUldren let t#eYOUr c#YOUldren struggle and e&perYOUence ad ersYOUty% P% '@L -ope YOUs a functYOUon of struggle% P% '@E -ope YOUs a way of t#YOUnkYOUng! not an emotYOUon p% '@E -ope YOUs learnedP P% '>A

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Brene Brown YOUf we"re always followYOUng our c#YOUldren YOUnto t#e arena )w#ere t#e struggle YOUs and beYOUng ulnerable*! #us#YOUng t#e crYOUtYOUcs! and assurYOUng t#eYOUr YOUctory! t#ey"ll ne er learn t#at t#ey #a e t#e abYOUlYOUty to dare greatly on t#eYOUr own% P% '>A S#e #as a ,#ole#earted ParentYOUng :anYOUfesto on p% '>>6?% Plus! YOUt"s on #er websYOUte www%brenebrown%com DarYOUng greatly YOUs not about wYOUnnYOUng or losYOUng% YOUt"s about courage% YOUn a world w#ere scarcYOUty and s#ame domYOUnate and feelYOUng afraYOUd #as become second nature! ulnerabYOUlYOUty YOUs sub ersYOU e% Uncomfortable% 5nd! wYOUt#out CuestYOUon! puttYOUng oursel es out t#ere means t#ere"s a far greater rYOUsk of feelYOUng #urt% But not#YOUng YOUs as uncomfortable or dangerous as belYOUe YOUng t#at YOU"m standYOUng on t#e outsYOUde of my lYOUfe lookYOUng YOUn and wonderYOUng w#at YOUt would be lYOUke YOUf YOU #ad t#e courage to GO up and let myself be seen% P% '>E

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