Getting Fathers Involved? ...what Mothers can do.

Someone once said: "Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." It is just not enough to ensure food on the table and a roof overhead. Fathers play an important part in the lives of their children. There s more to being a father than just "fathering" the child. And like almost everything else! it often becomes the "oman s responsibility to ensure that her husband is involved in the children s lives# $ut before you get upset about the added chore! let me add that it%s not too bad a deal! because the payoffs are great your husband can take some responsibility off your shoulders! share the "ork&load and give you some breathing room. All you have to do is to help him see it positively# It is also true that having an involved and connected father is good for your children. 'esearch sho"s a strong link bet"een a father s involvement in his child s life and the stability of that child s values! personality! and conduct. (hildren "ith highly involved dads demonstrate greater cognitive abilities! increased empathy! more self&control! and less se)&stereotyped beliefs. Additionally! they are more likely to have stable marriages later in life. *hile the task of getting your husband involved in your child s life seems fairly easy! there are some camouflaged barriers that you need to "atch out for. Apart from the obvious barriers of lack of time and "ork demands +"hich can be overcome using skills of "ork&life balance and time management, is the one in your husband s mind "parenting is a "oman s job". To overcome this you "ill need to convince him of the advantages of spending time "ith the children! and the positive impact on the children s self&esteem and future. The other hurdle is the one in your mind -he just can t do it right! so "hy bother# This is often the most difficult hurdle to cross you need to convince yourself that even if he does things differently and takes over&an&hour only to bathe your little one its time "orth spending because of all that your child "ill gain from it. The one&hour of fun! frolic and bonding "ith .ad could become the high point of your child s "eek and it gives you one&"hole hour all by yourself# Think about it# Making it work Assuming I have managed to convince you to try it out lets look at some practical strategies to do so +and even if you aren t fully convinced yet! perhaps you can try it out and see the benefits yourself/ After all! seeing is believing#, Simple ways to show love. A lot of fathers only spend money and buy gifts to sho" their love. Instead ask your husband to sho" his love through his actions! spending time "ith children! playing games! building things! "orking on projects together! even hugging the children and saying "I love you". Actions do speak louder than "ords0 and touch speaks the loudest# Make it a habit. Ask your husband to pick a task and allo" him to do it everyday. For e)ample! "aking up the children every morning and putting them to bed every night. This "ay! he "ill get to do something for them everyday and routines are comforting for the children as "ell as for your husband# .o remember though! that the task should be picked out only after discussion "ith your husband. 1r better still! ask him to "help" you out! this "ay he "ill not feel ordered around and be more "illing to assist. It is also important that once he agrees! he is left alone to do it the "ay he "ants. 2ou can t have him do it! and have it done your "ay# And nothing kills e)citement and motivation like nagging does. So remind him and then leave him

alone. And if he chooses to help them dress up! don t "orry if the orange socks clash horribly "ith the pink outfit# Make it fun. If it isn t fun! it "on t "ork. 3elp your husband make it a fun task! fun time for both your children and your husband. It is easier if you pick tasks that are inherently more fun! at least in the beginning. 1nce your husband and children are comfortable "ith the increased involvement he can graduate on to more serious tasks. $athing the children! reading the bedtime stories etc. are good for novices. 1nce both your husband and children are used to the greater involvement he can help them out "ith home"ork. Time away from you. 4nsure that your husband and children spend some time "ith each other! a"ay from you. It "ill be good for them to bond and relate "ith each other! "ithout your supervision# 4ven if it is a short drive or a trip to the park! let them have some fun alone together. ook for positives. Although these may not be very easily visible! and at least not in the beginning! remind yourself to keep looking for positives! no matter ho" small they seem. There is a lot you +and your family, stand to lose! just because of an uninvolved parent. And remember the bond shared bet"een the father and the child holds much more value than the mere completion of the task. !elebrate differences. .ads "ill do things differently from 5oms and that s the beauty of it# (an you think of differences that you can no" look back on and feel blessed/ As a little girl 6avya! had the hardest time trying to e)plain to her .ad e)actly ho" she "anted her hair plaited! it "as e)asperating and she used to "onder "hy her 5om couldn%t do it! but those "ere the moments "hich set the foundation for the strong relationship 6avya later shared "ith her .ad. She "as lucky to have had plenty of those moments "ill your little ones be as lucky/ If you "ould like to discuss a parenting or any other concern! our counsellors "ould be glad to help.