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January 25, 2014

Exploding Blonde Shells


A blog about a Blondes shenanigans
HELLO! HAPPY SUNDAY! Its another new format. I am going to try out a couple before I decide to pick something. Or maybe Ill just keep changing them around. Who knows?

It seems that I have fewer readers when I do the blog bi-weekly vs. weekly. Does that mean you want more of this mess? What is wrong with you people?! Ha! I write this for me and you. Weekly would get old fast dont you think? Let me know via the contact or the notes below the blog. Ill ponder it. In the meantime, heres a big picture of me floating on the runway last year. Look Ma, Im a wizard!

wOrD!
The word for this week is friend. What does it mean? How many of us have one? The dictionary doesnt know the meaning of friend. Okay, okay enough with the old school song lyrics. But honestly, what is a friend? What does it mean to you? Are you a good friend? Do you have good friends? I think some of us make too many mistakes in the friend arena. Every good gladiator knows that mistakes in the arena can cost you a limb or your life. I task you with going out and being a good friend and knowing what one is. Tell me your thoughts!

MY WEEkLY RANT (k is small on purpose, K?)


We miss you and we want you back! I love how companies do everything they can to get your business AFTER you cancel their services. You miss me? You want me back? You sound like one of my dumba$$ exes who didnt know what they had when they had it. If you hadnt treated me like garbage, you wouldnt have to miss me now would you? Heres a clue for you service providers. Treat your customers like gold. Know why? If you lose all your customers, you have no business. DUH! How hard is that? Yeah, I know some of us are bat$hit crazy, but thats YOUR problem. We arent all like that so dont assume Im a slobbering moron when I call you. That infuriates me and will make the experience poor for both of us. Especially you. But back to your you miss me, plea. Lets see. Do I want to come back to your high prices, inferior product and $hitty customer service? Imma hafta go with NO! HELL NO. Once I make you an ex, you stay that way. Just ask all my other exes.

Tailgate party Yesterday, I stopped to let 5 deer cross the road. Why? So they could get to the other side and so that I didnt need any costly car repairs. The donkey behind me must have been more important than me because she decided to lay on her horn. I was in a good mood because those deer were so stinkin cute, but it evaporated quickly because even when I pulled off she decided to tailgate me. She then started flashing her lights. The speed limit on the road I was on is 35. I slowed down to 10. I think this made her angrier! Not sure why. Hmm. Anyway, she was alone in the car and obviously not very bright. I could see her yelling and turning purple. I was giggling like a maniac. I smiled and waved to her and then went slower. One lane back roads are a bit*h! In all situations like this, though, I hit my wall. After about 4 minutes of her flashing and honking and being a jerk, I rolled my window down and yelled GET OFF MY A$$ YOU STUPID #@!*! Wow. That felt good and she backed off. FAST. The moral of the story is if youre in a hurry, dont tailgate me. Its stupid and dangerous and Ill make you late. And then Ill continue to giggle. PS I know she wasnt rushing to the hospital or to some emergency. Ive seen her in the neighborhood before and always doing the same crap.

GRAMMAR OF THE GODS


Will drive your ship to new land (Zep reference, yeah!). The land of not looking foolish and actually sounding like those brain cells of yours work. A land where there is love and happiness. A land where der komissar of Grammar (Blondie) can put down her baton and stop swatting people about the head and neck. This week, lets have some fun. I dont own this and dont know where its from, but I love it!

I hear and see these ALL the time and I just want to cry. And scream. And beat people. We dont read anymore and we dont use our language properly. We sound like a bunch of bozos! Its not hard. I dont expect everyone to be right all the time because Im certainly not, but make an effort. Care about how you come across. We all complain about the dumbing down of society, but where do you think it starts? If we cant even speak properly why should anyone take us seriously? Its also much easier for some egomaniac to talk down to you if you dont even know what YOURE saying. If you dont know ASK. Ask me. Ask a teacher. GOOGLE THAT SH*T! TRY! Next blog we will go back to our normally scheduled lessons. Be ready!

TOO MUCH INFORMATION


In the box to the right you see the word colonoscopy and its definition. Sounds fairly innocuous, yes? Im going to share my experience with you. Stop here if this kind of thing scares you or grosses you out. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOURE SQUEAMISH. Im NOT kidding. Youve been warned. So, the Blonde had to go to the hospital last year because she had a diverticular attack. GAH! Painful and awful. Hooked up to an IV for 3 days and stuck in a bed. SUCKED! I was told upon my release that I would need a colonoscopy as follow up and Id need to have it done within 90 days. Since Im studying in a medical field and had already read about the colonoscopy procedure I assumed I was ready and scheduled the damn thing. Oh Blondie! I get these instructions. No aspirin products for 5 days prior. Okay check. No iron or bulk food 5 days prior. Got it. Pick up your prep 2 days prior. Fine. I really dont know much about prep. I go to my trusty pharmacy and pick this thing up. The tech is so nice and cute. She explains that my options are Moviprep and GoLYTELY and NuLYTELY. Moviprep is a ! gallon and $100. Go and Nu are 1 gallon and $23. What do you think I chose? Im thinking I can handle a gallon of anything. She adds a lemon lime flavor pack and off I go. I get home and read the instructions for the day prior. NO SOLID FOOD. Not even soup. Clear liquid diet ALL DAY?! Are you effin with me? Do you know who I am? NO FOOD. What the? Oh no. This? This cannot be. I LIVE TO EAT. Not love, live. But I know I have to do it so here we are and its Thursday, January 23, 2014. I wake up and realize that

What is colonoscopy? Colonoscopy is a procedure that uses a long, flexible, narrow tube with a light and tiny camera on one end, called a colonoscope or scope, to look inside the rectum and entire colon. Colonoscopy can show irritated and swollen tissue, ulcers, and polypsextra pieces of tissue that grow on the lining of the intestine. A gastroenterologista doctor who specializes in digestive diseasesperforms this procedure.

(continued)

I cant eat. This serves to make me a crusty Blonde right out of the gate. I cant even have my tasty organic vitamins. I go downstairs and mix the gallon o prep. It tells me to use lukewarm water, but that I should enjoy it chilled. Enjoy it? Hmm. Whatever. In the fridge it goes. I have bought all kinds of drinks for the day and lined up a movie, TV show, book marathon. I take a shower and right away my stomach growls. Oh no. My belly is used to being loved right away. No breakfast so I drink an organic dry cucumber soda. Sounds ick, but they are so good and allowed on the liquid diet. I start watching Arrow on Netflix. Not sure I like it yet, but its on. I fall asleep. Two hours later I go back to the fridge and the gallon o prep still feels warm to touch. Dammit. I decide to start it later. That wavy thing that happens in movies just happened. Its later. Alrighty! The instructions say to drink an 8 oz glass rapidly, wait 10 minutes then drink another glass until the solution is gone. There are 16, 8 oz glasses in a gallon just so that you are aware. I drink the first glass and no problem! This is going to be cake. Doesnt taste that bad, its kinda thick, but Im okay. I am now at glass 3. Yes 3 and I want to shoot myself. Its like drinking lime whipping cream. Its so nasty. My stomach is in KNOTS. Its cramped so tight and I cant take anything but Tylenol. Oh my God. Im STARVING. I can have Jell-o according to this list from Satans sister, but guess what? I am allergic to something in Jell-o. UGH. I can have popsicles but no red, orange or purple. What the hell flavors do you think I like? RED, ORANGE and PURPLE. RAWRRRRRRRRR! Okay, okay. I can do it. I know! ICE! Ill add ice and just drink it down faster. Glass 5 and the cramps in my stomach are about to rip me in half. HOLY SNAPPIN! Im supposed to have had some kind of action by now. Ive peed myself stupid, but no umm, other activity. Im thinking that would relieve some of this pain. WHY DID I THINK THAT??? So the activity occurs and heres where it gets bad. Firewater is not supposed to shoot out of a healthy persons rectum. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! BURN BABY BURN. DISCO INFERNO. WHY??? I have 11 glasses to go and Im starting to feel so very sad about my whole life. When youre at home, drinking lime whipping cream by the gallon, youre starving, nauseated, your stomach hurts and liquid lava is flowing out of your backside you start to think dark thoughts. You want to hurt people. Glass 8 is a duel. I cant look at the gallon. I cant move. I dont want it. Im angry and sad and tired and in pain. I go to mighty Google. There are chats about this.

Im looking for tips to help me through this. There is one guy who explains that he has no problem with the prep. He just has a lovely day and goes about his business. I will hunt him down and gut him. No helpful tips on Google. The depression sets. The human rectum is not meant for such pain. I dont care. Maybe Im a wuss. Maybe having flaming water shoot out of my a$$ just isnt my thing. But guess what, yo? I finished it. I drank that 16th glass and I felt so glad. Then for the next 2! hours I sat there and continued to evacuate myself. I started to laugh. Picture this. Or dont cuz its kinda rude. Blondie. Robe. Toilet. Computer on the sink. Gallon bucket in a small cooler of ice on the floor. Baby wipes. Maybe a tear or two. Its 3 a.m. I must be lonely. Or losing it. Im delirious and exhausted. Tomorrow cant be any worse than this.

Friday, January 24, 2014. I still cant eat, its 7 a.m. and Im as grouchy as possible. They tell me Ill be there until noon. Fine. Lets get this done. In the procedure suite Im told that I look too young for this. They dont believe my age. They check my chart. YUP, Im that age. Still a little young for it, but they thought is was 25. Haha! We laugh. They put some stuff in my IV and its supposed to be LaLa land. Only I wake up. Yeah, I normally do. I feel all this pressure and pushing in my all too sore booty region. I groan and say Hey in a very weak voice. The next thing I see is a needle. They put the IV in my hand so after the needle it really is LaLa land. I wake up and its all over. One small issue is fixed and I can go as soon as I pass gas in front of the doctor and nurse. WOW. So sure I let it rip since I want to get the hell out of there and eat. They were proud of me and let me go with instructions. Gotta do it again in 5 years (You better improve this process or you will all die). Soft diet all week! I HATE YOU. I want to carve you with a spoon! But I just smile and say goodbye. I shared this with you because its slightly funny and because I dont want you to go through it. Get some fiber in your diet. Eat healthy. BE HEALTHY. This was not fun and Im really not a wuss.

I got a couple of really good questions that I will address in the next blog and Im sure something will happen for me to complain about. Greg, this time I wasnt listening to music. Only a lesson from Khans academy on some Physics. I live that thug life! Yeah, right. Until next time have a great life. Its time to clean, bake and study. Love and Hugs. Blondie!

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