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v.;v*^ \"

TRAITS
OF

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
VOL.
I.

Ifa.l

feu V t u

TRAITS
OF

AMERICAN HUMOUR,
BY NATIVE AUTHORS.

EDITED AND ADAPTED


BY THE AUTHOll OF " SAM SLICK," 'THE OLD JUDGE,"

"THE ENGLISH

IN AMERICA," &C. &C.

IN

THREE VOLUMES.
VOL.
I.

LONDON:

COLBURN AND

CO.,

PUBLISHERS,

GEEAT MARLBOllOUGH STREET.


isrrz.

^^

Hi-s'.f)itfTr'r

u-tJ

tONDON
Printed ly Schulze and Co., 13, Poland Street.

PREFACE.
Most Europeans

speak of America as they do of

England, France, or Prussia, as one of the great


countries of the world,

but without reference to

the fact that

it

covers a larger portion of the globe


collectively.

than
the

all

of

them

In

like

manner

as

New England

confederacy originally comprised


trans-

Me

most enlightened and most powerful

atlantic provinces,

and the inhabitants accidentally


so this term
is

acquired the appellation of Yankees,


is

very generally applied to

all

Americans, and

too often used as a national, instead of a provincial


or a sectional soubriquet.

In order to form
national

an
is

accurate

estimate

of the

humour,

it

necessary to bear these two great popular errorn

vi

PREFACE.
in

constantly

view.

The Eastern and Western,


States,
tlie

Northern and
a population

Soutlier'i

though

settled

by
and

speaking
sanu-

same language,
are
so

enjoying

the

institutions,
differ

distant

from eaeh other, and


soil,

so widely in climate,

and

jjroductions,

that

they

have but

few

features in

connnon
as

while the people,


as

from the
tastes,

same

causes,

well

from

habits,

necessities, the sparseness or density of population, free


soil,

or slave labour,

the intensity,

absence,

or

weakness of religious enthusiasm,

and many

other peculiarities, are equally dissimilar.

Hence, humour has a character as


boundaries of these
civil subdivisions.

local as the

The same

diversity is obscirvable in that of the

English, Irish and Scotch,


sallies,

and
each

in their mirthful

the

character

of

race

is

plainly

discernible.

That of the English

is at

once manly and hearty,

and, though embellished by fancy, not exaggerated


that of the Irish, extravagant, reckless, rollicking,

and kind-hearted

while that of the Scotch

is sly,

cold, quaint, practical,

and

sarcastic.

The population
particular,

of the

Middle States,

in

this

reminds a stranger of the English, that

PREFACE.
of the

VU
and the Yankees

West
still

rcaetnblcs the Irisli,

bear a

stronger affinity to the Scotch.

Among
are are

the

Americans themselves these distinctions


only
well

not

understood and

defined,

but

again sul)divided so as to apply more particularly


to the individual States.

Each has a
character of
ability,
its

droll

appellation,

by which

the
theii

yeomanry, as composed of

generosity, or manliness on the one hand,

and

craft,

economy, or ignorance of the world, on


is

the other,

known and

illustrated.

Thus, there

are the IToosiers of Indiana,

the Suckers of Illinois,

the pukes of Missouri, the buck-eyes of Ohio, the


red-horses of Kentucky, the mud-heads of Tenessee,

the wolverines of Michigan, the eels of

New

England,

and

the corn-craekcrs of Virginia.


this

For the purpo;sc of


perhaps
sufficient

work, however,

it

is

merely to keep in view the two


to

grand divisions of East and West, which,


certain extent,

may

be said to embrace those spread


with which they

geographically North and South,


insensibly blend.

Of

the former.

New England and


The

its

neighbours

are pre-eminent.

rigid discipline

and

cold,

gloomy

tenets of the Puritans required aiid enforced

VUl

PRKITACE.

u grave demeanour, una an absence from

all

pubiie

and private amusements, while a


fr
tie

sterile

and ungrateall

oil

demanded
ol'

all

the industry, and required

energy

the peo^.ie to ensure a comfortable


jiroduce u like result
in

uiipport.

Similar causes

Scotland.

Hence

the striking resemblance in the


IJut

humour

of the two peojjle.

though the non-

conformist fathers controlled and -nodified the mirth


of
th(;

heart,

they eoidd not repress


th*

it.

Nature

is
it

more powerful

conventional regulations, and


itself in

soon indenuiihed

the indulgence of a smile

for the prohibition of

unseemly laughter.

Hypocrisy

is

short-hvcd

" Vera

redit facies, dissiniulata peref."

The

Puritans, as one of their descendants has well

observed,* emigrated "that they might have the


privilege
to

work

and pray,

to

sit

uj)on

hard

benches, and to listen to ])ainful preaching as long


as they
Spirit

would, even unto thirty seventhly,


so
willed
it.

if

the

They were not,"

he

says,

''plump, rosy-gilled Englishmen that came hither,

but

hard-faced,

atrabilious,

earnest-eyed

race.

* See Introduction to Biglows Papers

p. six.

PREFACE.
stiff

a
to

iVoiu

long

wrc'stlin;,'

with the Lord in prayer,

and who had taught


I'liritan

Satan

drcud

thi;

new

hng.

A(hl two Imndred years' mthicnce of

soil, elinsate,

and exposnn',

witli its

neecasary result

of idiosynerasics, and
full

we Imve the present Yunkee,


all

of expedients,
all

half master of

trades,

in-

ventive in

bu

the beautiful, fidl of shifts,

not

yet capable of comfort, the

anned

at

all

points against

old

enemy,

hunger,

longaniiiu)U,
for

good

at

patehnig,

not so careful
do,

what
to
his

is

best as

f^r

what

ivill

with a clasp

puise,

and

button to his poelvet, not skilled to budd airainst


time, as in old countries,

but against sore-pressing


the
feet,

need,

accustomed

to

nujvc

world

with

no

assistants but his


his

own two

and no

lever but

own long

forecast.

strange hybrid, indeed,


in

did circumstances bigot here,

the

New

^Vorld,

upon the
before

-jld

J'uritan stock,

ami the earth never

saw such mystic-pructicalism, such 'niggardsuch cast-iron


such close-

geniality, such calculating-fanaticism,

enthusiasm,
fistid

such

unwilling-humour,

generosity.

This new

'

Graculus esuriens'

will nudce a living out of

anything.
tools.

He

will invent
is

new

trades as well as

new

His brain
all risks.

his

capital,

and he

will get

education at

Put

PREFACE.
hira

on Juan FernandeZj
first,
ibit,

and he

will

malce

spelling-book

and a salt-pan afterwards.


or the other
is

Jn
it

ccelum Jusscris,
all

way

either,

is

one so as anything
thin,

to be got

by
is

it.

Yet,
like

after all,

speculative Jonathan

more

the Englishman of two centuries

ago

than John

Bull himself

is.

He

has lost somewhat in solidity,

has become fluent and adaptable, but more of the


original

groundwork of character remains.


was most assuredly an unpromising

New England
soil

wherein to search for


is

humour

but, fortunately,
is

that
in

a hardy and prolific plant, and


its

to be

found

some of

infinite

varieties,

in

more

or less

abundance everywhere.

To the well-known

apjiellation of

Yankees, their

Southern friends have added, as we have seen, in


reference to their remarkable pliability, the

'nomi-

nation of "Eels."
original,

Their

humour

is

not merely

but

it is

clothed in quaint language.

They

brought with them many words now obsolete and


forgotten in

England, to which they have added

others derived from their intercourse with the Indians, their neighbours the

French and Dutch, and


Their pronunciation,
to

their peculiar productions.

perhaps,

is

not

very dissimilar

that

of their

PREFACE.
Puritan forefathers.
It
is

XI

not easy to convey an


the
follovving
:

adequate idea of
observations
''

it

on

paper, but
it

may

render

more
is

intelligible

1.*

The

chief peculiarity

a drawling pronun-

ciation,

and sometimes accompanied by speaking


for end,

through the nose, as eend

dawg

for dog,

Gaivd

for

God, &c.

"
sert as

2.

Before the sounds orv and oo, they often ini,

a short

which we

will

represent by

tlie

kyow

for cc7v,

vyow

for

voio, tyoo for too,

dyoo

for do, &c.

"3.t The genuine Yankee never gives the roncch


sound to the
r,

when he can help

it,

and often
it,

dis-

plays considerable ingenuity in avoiding


before a vowel.

even

"4. He seldom sounds the


self-denial, if

final g,

a piece of

we consider

his partiality for nasals.

The same may be


Stan' for

said of the final d, as han'

and

hand and
in

stand.

"5. The h

such words as while, when, ivhere,

he omits altogether,

"6. In regard to

a,

he

shows some inconsis-

* See Introduction to Dictionary of Americanisms, p. xxiv, and

Biglow's I'apers.

See Introduction to Biglow's Papers,

p. xxiv.

.Ml

PUEFACE.

tcncy, sometimes giving a close


as hev for have,

and obscure sound,

hendy

for handij, ez for as, thet for


it

that

ami again giving


;is

the

broad sound as in

father,

hdtisome for handsome.


in

"7.

Au

such

words

as

daiajhie^'

and

slaughter, he pronounces ahj"

Wholly unconstrained
usages, and almost

at

first

by conventional
law, the

beyond the reach of the

inhabitants

of the

West indulged,

to

the fullest

extent, their propensity for fun, frolic,

and the wild

and exciting sports of the chase.

Emigrants from

the border States, they engrafted on the dialects of


their native
j)laees

exaggerations and ])eculiarities

of their own, until they acquired almost a

new

lanits

guage, the most remarkable feature of which


amplification.
])()v,erful,

is

Everything

is

suj)crlative,

awful,

monstrous, dreadful, almighty, and

all-fired.

As specimens

of these extravagancies four narratives

of the Adventures of the celebrated Colonel Crocket


are given, of which the

humour

consists nuiinly in the


for

marvellous.
lion,^^

As they were designed

"the mil-

among whom
class,

the scenes are laid, rather than

the educated

they were fouml to

contain

many
which

expressions unfit for the perusal of the latter,


I

have deemed

it

proper to expunge.

Other

PUEI'ACK.

XIU

numbers
tion,

in

both volumes,

liable to the

same objec-

have been subjected to similar expurgation,

which, without afFccting their raciness, has materially

enhanced
tales of

their value.

The

both West and South arc written

in

the language of the rural


as

population, which differs

much from

the Yankee dialect as from that of the


of both
is

Cockney.

The vocabulary

most copious.
and

Some words owe


local productions,

their origin to circumstances,

and have thence been spread over

the whole country, and adopted into general use

sudi as* backwoods, breachtufs, barrens, bottoms,


cane-brake, cypress-brake, corn-broom, corn-shucking,

clearing,

deadening,

diggings,

dug-out, flats,

husking, prairie, shingle, sawyer, salt-lick, savannah,


snag.

Metaphorical and odd expressions often originated


in

some curious anecdote or

event,

which was transof


a

mitted by tradition, and soon


all.

made the property

Political w^riters
])art

and stump speakers perform

prominent

in

the invention

and

diffusion

of
:

these phrases.

Among

others

may be mentioned

To cave

in, to

acknowledge the corny

to flash in the

* Irtroducti

-.

to Dictioiiarv of Americaiiisnjs.

XIV

PUEFACE.
to

pan,

bark

tip

the

wrong

tree, to

pull up stakes, to
out,

be a caution,
flint, to be

to fizzle

out, to flat

to fix

his

among the

missing, to give him Jessy, to

see the elephant, to fly around, to tucker out, to use


vp,
ti>

walk

into, to mizzle, to absquatulate, to cot-

ton, to hifer, &;c.

Many
coi-n,

have been adopted from the Indians


;

from

come, samp, hominy, and sapawn

from the

manive plant,

mandiocu,

and

tapioca,

and from

articles peculiar to the aborigines, the words, canoe,

haimnock,

tobacco,

mocassin, pemmican, barbecue,

hurricane, pow-ivow.

The Spaniards have contributed

their share to

the general stock, as canyon, cavortin, chaparral,


pistareen, rancho, vamos.

The French have

also

furnished

many more,
levee,

such as cache, calaboose, bodetle, bayou, sault,


crevasse, habitaii, charivari, portage."^

The "Edinburgh Review,"


an
article

for April,

1844, in

on the provincialisms of the European

languages, states the result of an inquiry into the

number

of provincial words which had then been

arrested by local glossaries at 30,087.

* See Dictionary of Americanisms.

PREFACE.

XV

"Admitting that
suporHuous, or
nevertheless

several of tliem are

synonymous,

common
of

to each county, there are

many

them which, although

alike

ortliographically,
tion.

are vastly dissimilar in

significa-

Making

these allowances,
or,

tiiej-

amount

to

little

more than 20,000;


of English

according to the
illustrated,

numher

counties

hitherto

to the average; ratio of

1478

to a county.

Calcuratio,

lating the twenty-six unpublished in the


(for there are

same

supposed to be as

many words

collected
will

by persons who have never published them,) they

furnish 36,428 additional provincialisms, forming in

the aggregate, 5 9,000 words in the colloquial tongue

of the lower classes, which can, for the chief part,

produce proofs of legitimate

origin.''

The process of coinage has been


and extensive
in

far

more rapid
That of

America than
in

in

Europe.

words predominates
phrases in
liarity in

the Western, and that of


States.

the

Eastern

The

chief pecu-

the pronunciation of the


is

Southern

and

Western people,
than
is

the

giving of a broader sound

proper to certain vowels ; as whar for tvhere,

thar for there, bar for hear.


In the following table of words, incorrectly pro-

nounced,

such

as

belong

to

New England

are

XVI

PREFACE.
those exclusively

designated by the letters N. E.

Western, by the
S.
;

letter

W.

the Southern words by


various parts
of the
are,

the rest are

common

to

Union.

In this attempt at classification, there

doubtless, errors

and imperfections
to
Illinois

for an emi<'rant

from

Vermont

would

introduce

the

provincialisms of his native district, into his


residence.

new

After

for
,,

After.
Eitlier.

liar

Ary
Attaekterl

for Hair, W.
>i
1)

Hath
Ilender Hist

,,

Attaek'd.

Anywlieres
fiachclder
Bagiiet

Hearth, S. Hinder.
Hoist.

Anywhere.
Bachelor. Bayonet.
Bear,
Boil.
Ciiair.

Hum
Humbly
Hull

>> >) It
j

Home, N
Whole,'
Oil.

E.

Bar
Jiecase

,,

W.

Homelv, N.E

W.

Because.

Bile

,,
,,

He Innemy
Jannders
Jest

>
>>

Cheer
Chiml)ly

Enemy.
Jaundice.
Just.

Chimney.
Cu})ola.

> )>
>

Cupalo Cotch'd
Critter

M
I,
.,

Jeems
Jine
Jist

James.
Join.
Joist.

Caught.
Creature.

Ciirous

Dar
Darter

Deu

Cmious. Dare, W. Daughter. Do. N.E. ,,


Delightful

Kittle

T)

Kettle.

Kiver

> > t

Larn
Larniii

Delightsome Drownderl

Cover. Learn. Learning.


Lief.
Little.

Drown'd
Drove, W. Dubious. End. Everywhere.
Girl.

Lives Lcetlc

M
It
>i *i
t> ? ft

Druv Duhous Eeml


Gal Gin
Git Gineral

Evervwheres '

Nary Ourn
Perlite

Neither. Ours.
Polite.

Racket Rale

Rocket.
Real. Rince.

Give.
Get.

i.

Rench Rheumatiz
Ruff Sarcer Sarce

t)
i>
'

Rheumatism.
Roof, N.E. Saucer. Sauce.

General.

Guv Gownd

,1

Gave.

ft

Gown.

II

PREFACE.
Sarve Sass Sassy

XVll

for Serve.
II

Spile

for

Spoil.

II
II II II
II II

Scace
Scass

Sauce. Saucy. Scarce, Scarce,


Since,

Squinch
Sireech Suthin

Quench.
Stretch,

W.

Sen Shay
Shet
Sistern

W. W.

Tech

Something. Touch.
Attend. Told, N.E. There, W. Timcrous.
Tassel.

Tend
Tell'd

Chaise, N.E.

Shut, S.
Sisters,

II
II

W.

Thar Timersome
Tossel Uniberell

Sich Sot Sorter Stan Star

Such.
Sat.

II
II
II

Sort of. Stand, N.E.


Stair,

Varmint Wall



,,

Umbrella. Vermin, W. Well, N.E.

II
II

W.

Whar
Yaller

Stun Stiddy
Spettacle

Where. W.
Yellow.

II II

Stone, N.E. Steady, N.E.


Spectacle.

Yourn

Yours

Until lately, the

humour

of the Americans haa

been chiefly

oral.

Up
first

to

the period

when the

publication of the

American " Sporting Maga-

at Baltimore, in 1829, and which was immediately followed by the publication,

zme" was commenced

in

New

York, of

"The

Spirit of the

Times," there

existed
as

no such

class of writers in the

United States,
such

have since

that

recent

day,

conferred

popularity on this description of literature.

The New York "Constellation,"* was


journal expressly devoted to wit and

the only

humour; but

" The

Spirit of the
all

Times" soon became the general

receptacle of

these fugitive productions.

The

* See Porter's account of " The

Spirit of the Times.

VOL.

I.

ZVIU
ability with

PREFACE.

which

it

was conducted, and the

circu-

lation

it

enjoyed, induced the proprietors of other

periodicals to solicit contributions similar to those

which were attracting so much attention in that


paper.

Of

the latter kind are the three articles from

the pen of

Mc Clintoch,
I

which originally appeared in

the " Portland Advertiser.''

The

rest of the series

by the same author,

have not been able to procure,

as they have shared the fate of


less value, that

many

others of no

appeared in the daily press of the

United States.

To

collect,

arrange, and preserve

these specimens of American humour, and present

them
shape,

to the British reader,


is

in

an unobjectionable

the object of this compilation.


of the

To such

numbers contained

in these

volumes

as I could trace the paternity, I have

appended the
conclude, by

names of the

authors,

and

shall

now

expressing to those gentlemen the very great gratification I have

experienced in the perusal of their

admirable sketches.
*

DECEMBER, 1851.

\l

CONTENTS
OP

THE FIRST VOLUME.

I.

Mr

FIKST

AND LAST SPEECH

IN

THE GENERAL COURT

'*"J

11.

HOSS ALLEN, OF MISSOURI

....

III.

THE WIDOW rugby's HUSBAND


IV.

gl

THE BIG BEAR OP ARKANSAS

41

V.

JOHNNY

BKI.DLe's COURTSHIP
VI.

gg

THE MARRIAGE OF JOHNNY BEEDLE


VII.

....

76

JOHNNY BKEDLE's THANKSGIVING

go

XXll

CONTKNTS.

VIII.

PAOK

AUxNT NADBy's

STEWBD 0008E
(X.

107

DECLINE AND FALL or THF. CITY OF DOOTOWN


X.
E

.115

THE coon-hunt; OB, A FENCY COONTRT


XI.

....
. . .

125

I
f
jl

A RIDE WITH OLD KIT KUNCKEH


XII.

131

mi

SETH WILLETT: THE ELK COUNTY WITNESS


XIII.

145

TUi TWO FAT SALS

154

XIV.

war's YURE H0S8.'


XV.
BOB LBE

157

161

XVI.

THH SHOOTINO-MATCH
XVII.

184

THE HORSE SWAP


XVIII.

215

THREE CHANCES FOR A WIFE


XIX.
1

230

UK YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS


XX.

.233

OAPTAIN STICK AND TONKY

257

h
if.
>

CONTENTS.

XXlll

XXI.

THE

WAY

HIM.V

PA OK
IIAIliUS

MARKET

....

UROVE

THE DRUM-FISH TO
262

XXII.

YANKKB HOMESl'UN
XXIII.

273

THE INDUFATIOABLE BEAR-HUNTER


XXIV.
COLONEL CROCKETT'S RIDE
O.V

275

THE BACK OF A BUFFALO

293

XXV.
COLONEL CROCKETl's ADVENTURi; WlT.l A GRIZZLY BEAR
.

29C

XXVI.
COLONKL CROCKETT, THE BEAR, AND THE SWALLOWS
.
.

301

XXVII.
A HRETTY

PREDICAMENT

.
.

^nr 305

TRAITS
OF

AiMERICAN HUMOUR.
I.

MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH IN THE GENERAL


COURT.
If I
live

a thousand years,

I shall

never forget
Isaac

the day I

was chosen representative.

Long-

legs ran himself out of a year's

growth to bring

me
At

the

news

for I staid

away from town meeting out


is,

of dignity, as the
first

way

being a candidate.
;

I could not believe

it

though when

I spied

Isaac cominj^ round Slouch's corner, with his coattails

flaoping

in

the wind,

and pulling straight


something
to

ahead for our house,

I felt certain that

was the matter,


VOL.
I,

and

my

heart began

bump,

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

bump
didn't

so,

under

my

jacket, that
off.

it

was a wonder
1

it

knock a button

However,

put on a
into the
it.

bold

face,

and when Isaac came bolting

house, I pretended not to be thiuVing about

"Lieutenant Turniptop

!"

say b

Isaac,

"huh,

huh, you've got the election " Got what ?" says
r
'

!"

I,

pretending to be surprised,

in a coolish sort of a way.

" Got

the

election,"

says

he,

"

all

hollow.

You've got a majority of thirteen


jority

clear

ma-

clean,
!"
it

smack smooth, and no two words

about

"Pooh!"
at the

says

I,

trying to keep cool; though

same time

I felt all over


fit

I can't tell

how
says I

my

skin didn't seem to


;

me.

"Pooh!"

again

but the idea of going into public

life,

and

being called Squire Turniptop, was almost too


for

much

me.

seemed to

feel as if I

was standing on

the tip top of the north pole, with

my
I

head above

the clouds, the sun on one side, and the

moon on
"a

the other.

" Got the election ?" says


!"
it

hem

hem

hem

And

so I tried to put

on a piopcr

dignity; but
says
I,

was hard work.

" Got a majority ?"

once more.
sure as a gun," says Isaac.
ears.

"As
with

"I

heard
it
oflF

it

my own

Squire Dobbs read

to

MY

FIEST

AND LAST SPEECH.


<'

3
fifty-,

the whole mecthig.


nine,
I

and

is chosen
I

Tobias Turniptop has

!"
!

thought

should have choked

six millions

of

glorious ideas seemed to be swelling

up

all at

one

time within me.

had just been reading Doctor Growler's sermon on the end of the world; but
I
I thought the world was only beginning. "You're representative to the Gineral Court,"

now

said Isaac, striking his forefinger into the


his left hand, with as

palm of

much emphasis

as if a

new

world had been created.


I felt

more magnanimous than


says
I.

ever.

"I me

shan't accept,"

(The Lord pardon

for lying).

"Shan't
greatest

accept!"

screamed out Isaac in the


his great

amazement,
'<

goggle eyes starting

out of his head.


so ?"

Shall I go back

and

tell

them

" I mean

I'll

take

it

into consideration,'' said I,

trying to look as important as I could.


office of
I'll

"

It's

an

great responsibility, Isaac," I said;

"but
if

thmk

of

it,

and

after

mature deliberation,

my

constituents insist

upon

my going Isaac,
all

what'll

you take

to drink ?"

I could not shut

my

eyes to sleep

that night

and did nothing but think of the General


B 2

Court,,

4,

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
I

and how
St-^te

should look in the great hall of the

House,

marching up to

my
oflp

seat

to

take

possession.

I determined right

to have a bran

new blue

coat with brass buttons; but on second

thoughts, I remembered hearing Colonel Crabtree


say that the

Members wore

their wrappers.
salt coat,

So

concluded that
blue satinet

my

pepper and

with the
well.
I

pantaloons,

would do very

decided though, to have

my

drab hat new ironed,


for

and countermanded the orders


boots, because

the

cow-hide
genteel.

kip
this,

skin

would be more

In addition to
liberal,

because public

men

should be

and make a more respectable appearance


folks,

than

common

didn't

hesitate

long in

making up

my mind

about having a watch-chain,

and an imitation breast-pin.


kerchief," thinks I to myself,

"The check hand"


is

as

good

as

new;

and

my

pigtail

queue

will look splendidly if the old

ribbon

is

a little scoured !"

It can't

be described how

much

the affairs of the

nation occupied

my

attention all the next day, and

three weeks afterwards.

Ensign Shute came to

me

about the Bytield pigs, but I couldn't talk of anything but


^'

my

legislative responsibilities.

The

critters bc?.t all

natur for squealing," says

he,

" but they cut

capitally to pork."

MY
" Ah
!"

FIRST

AND LAST SPEECH.

says

I,

" there must be a quorum, before

we can do business."
" The old grunter," says
he,

"

will

soon be

fat

enough

to kill."
I,

" Yes," says

" the Speaker has the casting vote."


says ho, " will hold 'em
all.^'

" Your new pig-pen,"


"
I shall take

my

seat," said I, "

and be sworn

in

according to the Constitution."

" What's your opinion of corn-cobs

?" says he.

"The
says
I.

Governor and Council

will settle

that,"

The concerns
to

of the whole

commonwealth seemed

be resting
;

all

on

my
I

shoulders, as heavy as a

fifty-six

and everything

heard or saw made


office.

me
met

think of the dignity of


a flock of geese

my

When

on the school-house green, with


at the head,
all

Deacon Dogskin's old gander


says
I,

" There,"

" goes the Speaker, and

the honourable

members."
This was talked of up and down the town, as a
proof that
I felt a

proper responsibility

-,

and Simon
thought so

Sly said the comparison was capital.


too.

Everybody wished

me

joy of
;

my

election,
I

and
fail

seemed

to expect great things

which

did not

to lay to heart.

So having the eyes of the whole


I

community upon me,

saw that nothing would

O
satisfy

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
them,
if I

didn't do something for the credit

of the town.
select
sibility

Squire Dobbs, the chairman of our

men, preached
:

me

a long lecture on respon-

" Lieutenanant Turniptop,"


you'll

says he,

" I hope

keep up the reputation of Squashborough."

"

hope

shall,

Squire," says

I,

for I felt

my

dignity rising.

"

It's

a highly responsible

office, this

going to the

Gineral Court," says he.

" I'm altogether aware of that," says


serious.

I,

looking

"I'm aware

of the totally

and

officially."

" I'm glad you

feel responsible," says he.

" I'm bold to say, that


bility,"
sible,

do

teel

the responsi-

says I; ''and I feel

more and more respon-

the more I think of

it."

" Squashborough," says the Squire, " has always

been a credit to the commonwealth."

"Who

doubts it?" says

I.

"And a credit to the "Ahem !" says I.


" I hope you'll
let

Gineral Court," says he.

'em know

what's

what,"

says he.

" I guess I

know

a thing or two," says

I.

" But," says the Squire, " a representative can't do his duty to his constituents, without knowing

MY

FIRST

AND LAST SPEECH.

7
H

the Constitution.

It's

my

opinion that you ought

not to vote for the dog- tax."

" That's a matter that


says
I.

calls for

due deliberation,"
to prepare for

So I went home and began

my
I

legislative duties.

studied

the

statute

on cart-wheels, and the


act.

act in addition to

an act entitled an
at

People

may

sit

home

in their chimney-corners,

and imagine
tative
;

it

is is

an easy thing to be a represena very great mistake.

but this
I
felt

For three

weeks

like

a toad under a harrow, such a


felt

weight of responsibility as I

on thinking of
I

my

duty to

my

constituents.
I

But when

came

to think

how much

was expected to do
was overwhelming.

for the

credit of the town,

it

All the

representatives of our part of the country

had done

great things for their constituents, and I was de-

termined not to do
the

less.

I resolved, therefore,

on

very

first

consideration,

to

stick to the fol-

lowing scheme

To make
To make

a speech. a motion for a bank in Squashborough.


that all salaries be cut

To move To second

down one

half,

except the pay of the representatives.


every motion for adjournment.

And

always to vote against the Boston members.

AMERICAN HUMOUR. As
to the speech,

though

had not exactly made


it,

up

my mind

about the subject of


it

yet I took

care to have

all

written beforehand.

This was
for as

not so
it

difficult

as

some

folks

may think;

was

all

about

my

constituents and responsibility,

and Bunker Hill and heroes of Seventy-six, and dying for liberty ; it would do for any purpose
with a word tucked in here .aid there.
After I

had got

it

well

by

heart, I

went down in Cranberry


sight of anybody,
it

Swamp, out of hearing and


delivered
it

and

off,

to see
till

how

would go.

It

went

off in capital style

I got nearly through,


I

when
stand

just as I

was saying: "Mr. Speaker, here

Tom Thumper's old he-goat popped out of the bushes behind, and gave me
such a butt in the rear, that I was forced to make an adjournment to the other side of the fence to finish it. After full trial, I thought best to
write
it

for the Constitution,"

''t

over again and put in more responsibility,

with
died."
I

something more about

"fought,

bled

and

When
In
on
fact,

the time came for


it,

me

to set off to Boston,


all

you may depend on


I did

was
r

of a twitter.
I

not altogeth

know whether

was

my

head or

my

heels.

All Squashborough

was
out.

alive; the

whole town came to see

me

set

MY
They
all

FIRST

AND LAST SPEECH.


charge to stand up for

gave

me

strict

my

constituents and vote


I

down the Boston members.


would, for " I'm sensible of

promised them
responsibility,"

my

says

I.

promised besides, to

move heaven and


borough.

earth to do something for SquashI

In short,

promised everything, because

a representative could not do less.

At
I

last I

got to Boston, and being in good season,


to myself, before the Session

had three whole days

opened.

By way

of doing business, I went round

to all the shops, pretending I

wanted

to

buy

a silk-

handkerchief.

managed

it

so as not to spend any-

thing, though the shopkeepers were mighty sharp,

trying to hook
teeth cut,

me

for a bargain

but

had

my

eye-

and took
first

care never to offer within ninecost.

pence of the

Sometimes they talked


if

saucy, in a joking kind of a way,


to

happened

go more than three times

to the

same shop

but when I told them I belonged to the General


Court,
it

struck

them

all

up of a heap, and they did

not dare do anything but


I

make

faces to

one another.

think I was down upon them there.

The day

took
!

my
I

seat,

was a day of
never forget
then.

all
it.

the
I

days in the year


tl

shall
till

night I had never lived

Giles Elder-

berry's exaltation,

when he was made

hog-reeve.

10
was nothing
to

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
it.

As

for

the procession, that

beat cock-fighting.

I treated myself to lialf a sheet


I felt as if

of gingerbread, for

my

purse would hold

out for ever.


thing.

We

However, I can't describe every, were sworn in, and I took my seat,
it

though I say

myself.
to see
felt

took
it.

my
What

seat

all

Boston was there


of responsibility I

me

do

a weight

It beats all natur to see

what a

difficulty there is

in getting a chance to

make a speech.

Forty things

were put to the

vote,

and passed, without

my

being

able to say a word, though I felt certain I could

have said something upon every one of them. I had my speech ready, and was waiting for nothing but a chance to say, "Mr. Speaker," but something always put me out.
This was losing time dreadfully, however I made up seconding motions, for I was determined
to

it

have

my

share in

tl^p

business, out of regard to

my

constituents.
It's true I

seconded the motions on both sides of

the question, which always set the other members

a laughing, but says I to them

" That's

my

affair.

How

do you

know what my

principles are ?"

At

last

two great questions were brought forward.

MY

FIRST

AND LAST SPEECH.


lose.

11

which seeni seemed to be too good to

These were

the Doff-town turnpike, and the Cart-wheel question.

The moment
felt

I heard the last one mentioned, I

convinced

it

was just the thing


just so,
for

for

me.
it

The
came
a

other

members thought

when

up

for discussion, a Berkshire

member gave me
" now's
your

jog with the elbow.

" Turniptop,"

says

he,

time,

Squashborough

for ever \"


I

No
hat,

sooner said than done.


called out
!"

twitched

oflF

my

and

" Mr. Speaker

As

sure as you live I


else

had caught him

at last.

There was nobody

had spoken quick enough,


I

and
*'

it

was as clear

as

preachen

had the

floor.

Gentleman from Squashborough," says


it.

he, I

heard him say

Now,

thinks

to

myself,

I
!"

must
says
I,

begin,
again,

whether or no.
but I only said
believe I actually

" Mr. Speaker


it

to gain time, for I could hardly


floor, an('

had the

the congre-

gated wisdom of the commonwealth was listening

and looking on
all

the thought of
!"

it

made me
I,

crawl

over.

" Mr. Speaker


looked

says
at

once

more.
to

Everybody

round

me.

Thinks I

Ill

12

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
I

myself, " there's no clawing off this hitch.


begin,

must

end

so here goes I gave

Accordingly

a loud

hem

said,

" Mr.
I

Speaker
rise to

!"

for the fourth time.

" Mr. Speaker,


it

the question

" though

did not strike

me
says

the house.
I.

had been standing up ever since I came into " I rise to the question, Mr. Speaker/'

But

to see

how

terribly strange

some things

work.

No

sooner had I fairly rose to the question,


to

and got a chance

make my

speech, than I began to


off.

wish myself a hundred miles

Five minutes before I was as bold as a lion, but

now
hole.

should have been glad to crawl into a knot-

" Mr. Speaker,


but I

I rise to the question," says to say, the

I again,
?(

am bound

more

I rose to

to the question, the


fall

more the question seemed

away from me.

And just

at that minute, a little

fat

round-faced man, with a bald head, that was

sitting right before

me, speaks to another member,

and says
" What squeaking fellow
It
is

that ?"
I

dashed
I

me

a good deal, and

don't

know

but

should have sat right down without another but Colonel


Crabapple,
the

word,

member
tail

for

i'

Turkeytown, gave mc a twitch by the wrapper

of

my

,N'

MY
" That's

FIRST

AND LAST SPEECH.


says
he,

13
" give

riglit,

Tuniiptop/'

them the grand touch."


This had a mighty encouraging
eflFect,

and

so I
at

hemmed and hawed


last

three or four times,

and

made a beginning. " Mr. Speaker," says

I,

" this
is,

is

a subject of vital

importance.

The question
I

Mr. Speaker, on the

amendment.
subject,
last

have a decided opinion on that

Mr. Speaker.

Fm

altogether opposed to the

gentleman, and I

feel

bound

in

duty to

my

constituents,

Mr. Speaker, and the


to express

responsibility
this subject.

of

my

office,

my mind

on

Mr. Speaker, our glorious


and died
question,

forefathers fought, bled,

for glorious liberty.

I'm opposed to this


constituents

Mr. Speaker

my

have a

vital interest in the subject of cart-wheels.

" Let us take a retrospective view, Mr. Speaker,


of the present condition of
tribes of the earth.
all

the

kingdoms and

" Look abroad, Mr. Speaker, over the wide ex-

pansion of nature's universe


billows of the Atlantic.

beyond
is

the blazing

" Behold Buonaparte going about


thunderbolt
!

like a roaring

All the world

turned topsy-turvy,

and there
men.

is

a terrible rousing

among

the sons of

14

AMERICAN
to

IIUMOITR.

"But

return to this subject, Mr. Speaker.


r)pposed
to the

Fm
!'

dceidcdly
to

timcndtncnt

it

is

contrary
principles
children,

the

princij)les

of

freemen
Tell to
it

and
to

the

of

responsibility.

your

Mr. Speaker,
is

and

your

cliildren's

children, that freedom

not to be bartered, like


Liberty
is

Esau, for a mesa of potash.


lasting

the ever-

birthright

of
Sir,

the

grand

conimunity

of

nature's

freemen.

the

member from Boston


hope wc
shall

talks of horse-shoes, but I


for our rights.

stand up

If

wc only stand up
will

for

our rights,

Mr. Speaker, our rights

stand up for us, and

we

shall all

stand uprightly without shivering or

shaking.

Mr. Speaker, these

are

awful

times;

money

is

hard to get, whatever the gentleman from

Rowley may say about pumj)kins. " A true patriot will die for his country. May we all imitate the glorious example and die for our
Give up keeping cows! ]\Ir. Speaker, what does the honourable gentleman mean? Is
not agriculture to be cultivated
liberty,
?

country.

He

that sells his

Mr. Speaker,

is

worse than a cannibal, a

hottentot, or a hippopotamus.

The member from


pigs
to

Charlestown has brought


market.
I stand

his

wrong

up

for cart-wheels,

and so do
calls

my
Mr.

constituents.

When

our country

us,

MY
Spoiikcr,

FIRST

AND LAST SPEECn.


in

IS

imiy

wc never be backward
all

coming

forward; and

honest

men ought
from

to endeavour

to keep the rising genc^ration

falling.
let

Not
us

to

dwell

upon

this

point,

Mr. Speaker,

now

enter into the subject."

Now
little

it

happened, that just at this


bald-headed, round-faced

moment

the

fat,

man

wr'^gled

himself round just in front of me, so that I could


not

help seeing him

and just as

was saying,

" rising generation," he twisted the corners of his

mouth

into a queer sort of pucker

on one

side,

and

rolled the whites of his little, grey, twinkling eyes,

right

up

in

my

face.

The members

nil

stared
cluck,
ovc^'

right at us,
cluck,

and made a kind of snickering


that seemed
to

cluck,

run whistling

the whole house.


I
felt

awfully bothered, I can't

tell

how, but

it

gave

me

such a jerk off the hooks, th.t T could no.


so

remember the next words,


pocket for the speech,
hat,
it

that

I felt in
;

it

was not there

then in

my my
i

wasn't there; then behind mc, then both

sides of

me, but

lo

and behold,

it

was not to be
I

found.

Tlic next instant I


it

remembered that

had

taken
that

out of

my

hat in a shop in
I

Dock Square
four

morning, while
of

was comparing the

corners

my

check handkerchief with a ban-

16
danna.
Tliat

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
was
f

iough~I knew
I

as quick as

lightning that I was a gone goose.

pretended to

go on with
generation/'
subject,

my

speech,

and kept saying "rising


"enter into the

"my

constituents,"

Mr. Speaker."

But

made hawk's-meat
nobody could stand
with the round

of
it

it

you may depend ;

finally,

any longer.

The

little fat

man

face,
!

put his thumb to the side of his nose, and


a
sort of

II

made

twinkling with his fingers;

the

Speaker began to giggle, and the next minute the

whole house exploded

like a bomb-shell.

I snatched

up my hat under

cover of the smoke,

made one
you

jump

to the door

and was down

stairs before

could say, " second the motion !"

Floss

ALLEN, OP MISSOURI.

17

II.

HOSS ALLEN, OF MISSOURI.

This celebrated gentleman


certainly; and,

is

a recognised

''

huss"

we are

told, rejoices as

nmcli at his

cognomination as he did

at his

nomination for the

chair gubernatorial, last election.


well

He

did not 7'un


i*

enough

to reach the chair,

though

appears,

from his own account, that his hoss quaLties, " any
how,^'
fall

considerable below

those

of the
is

sure-

enough animal.

This

is

his story,

which he

very

fond of relating up by Palmyry.

" You
I

see, boys,

came

to old river,

and found

had

to swim. to

Had
do.
'

best clothes on,

and

didn't
Salt

know what
river.

What

river

?'

Why,

Our
full
I.

Salt,

here in Missouri, dar-.ed thing;


it.

always

when don't want

Well, boys, you


c

VOL.

Si

18

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
IIoss Allen

knows

no back out
critter's

in

him, any liow

Stripped to the skin, just tied clothes up in a bundle, strapped


together.
''
i

it

on the

head, and 'cross


I

we swum
gittin'

"VVoU, don't

you think, while

was

up the bank, the wicked thing got away, and started


off with
I

my
and

clothes on his head


hollered,

and the more


I

ran,

and 'whoa'd,' the more

couldn't catch the cussed varmint.

'Way he'd

go,

and
I

I arter

hot
;

as tophit, too, all the way,

and

yaller flics about

and when

I did get tol'ble near,

he'd stop and look, cock his ears, and give a snuff,
as if

he never smelt a

man

afore

and then streak

it

off agin, as if I
V
**

had been an Ingin.


all

Well, boys,

had
flies

to
off;
I,

do was to keep a

follerin' on,

and keep

and

I did,

till

wc

came
I

to a slough,
;'

and says
driv

'Now,

old feller,
all,

got you

and

him

in.

Well, arter
critter

do you know,
stick!

fellers,

the

auful
in,

wouldn't

He

went

in

and

and by'm-by came

to a deep place,
ti-ue

and swum
!

right across.

A
I

fact

as

thunder

Well, you see,

when

cum

to

the deep place, I

swum

too

and, do you know,


till

that the darned beast just nat'rally waited


out,

got

and looked
laffin'
;

at

me
I
!

all

over,

and

I could act'ily

see

him

and

was nasty enough

to

make a

boss laugh, any

how

HOSS ALLEN, OF MISSOURI.

19

" Well, thinks

I,

old
;

feller,

recon you'v had fun

enough with me now


scrapes myself
all

so I gits

some

sticks,

and

over,

and got

tol'ble white again,

and then begins


'

to coax

the varmint.

Well,

whoa'd

'

and
tell

'

old boy'd,'

and cum up right


took
I
it

civil

to

him, I

ye and he
and
jist

mighty consure,

descendin' too

when

had him

cussed
agin,

if

he didn't go right back into the slough


the decj) place, walkcid out, and stood

swum

on t'other

side, waitin' for

me.
yaller flies

" Well, by
agin,
beast,

this time,

tlie

cum

at

me

and

I jist nat' rally

went in artcr the blasted


side,

and stood afore him, on t'other


as ip/bre did,
till

just as

nasty

by thunder, boys!

Well,
off;

he luffed agin,

he nearly shook the bundle

and 'way he went, back agin, three


river
till
;

miles, to the

and then he
to him,

jest stopped dead,

and waited

cum up

and

jest

kind a axed

me to cum
a kick

and take hold of the


a 'ruction,

bridle,

and then guv


laffin'

and
;

and went

in agin,

all
!

the time

and, right in the

middle, hang

me

if

he didn't

shake

my

clothes off;

and 'way they went, down


ashore
;

stream, while he
lay

swum

and

I, jest nat'rally,

down on the bank, and cussed


see,

all creation.

" Well, you

boys, there I lays 'hove a hour,


pullin'

when

I sees a feller

up stream
c 2

in a skift,

20
a-tryin'

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
on a
coat,

and says

'

Stranger, see here,


I'll

when
for

you're done gittin'


shirt
/'

my

coat on,

thank you
was, and

my
I
;

And

the feller sees

how

it

pulls ashore,

and helps me.


talk of hoss
just think of

"
lafs

tell

you what, boys, you may

but

when you want


.'"

good one,

Hoss Allen

THE WIDOW RUGBY

HUSBAND.

21

ire,

row
ind

OSS

:of

III.

THE WIDOW RUGBY

HUSBAND.

Some

ten or twelve years agone, one


''

Summeval
Jusdce

Dennis kept the

Union Hotel/'

at the seat of

of the county of Tallapoosa.

The house took

its

name

from the complexion of the

politics of its proprietor,

he being a true-hearted Union man, and opposed,


as I hope all

my

readers are, at
nullification.

all

points, to the

damnable heresy of

In consequence

of the candid exposition of his political sentiments

upon

his sign-board,

mine host of the " Union" was

liberally

patronized by those

who

coincided with

him

in his views.
spirit was, in that particular

In those days, party


locality,

exceedingly bitter and prescriptive;

and

22

AMERICAN HLMOUR.
less tender, his eggs impeachable, his coffee more sloppy, the " Union
still

had Summeval's chickens been


less

HoteP' would
no dinners.

have
as

lost

no guest,

its

keeper

But,

Dennis was wont to remark,


as

"The Party
he was bound

relied

on his honour,

an honost

man, but more

especially as an honest Unio7i


to

man,
their

give

them the value of

money /^
Glorious fellow was

Summeval
all

Capital land-

lady was his good wife, in

the plenitude of her

embonpoint!

Well-behaved children, too, were Summeval's, from the shaggy and red-headed reprepeculiarities,

sentative of paternal

down

to

little

Solomon of the sable

locks,

whose " favour" puzzled


all

the neighbours, and set at defiance


siological principles.

known phyw^ere
fall

Good

people,

all,

the

Dennises.

JMay a hungry

man

never

among
some

worse

Among

the political friends

who had

for

years bestowed their patronage, semi-annually, dur-

ing Court-week, upon the proprietor of the " Union,'*

was Captain Simon Suggs, whose deeds of valour and strategy are not known to the public. The
Captain had "put up" with our friend Summeval,

time and again


fore

had puffed the " Union," both " beits

the face and behind the back" of

owner.

THE WIDOW rugby's HUSBAND.


I

23

until

it

seemed a miniature of the microcosm that

bears

the

name

of Astor;

and, in short, was so

generally useful, accommodating,

and

polite, that

nothing short of long-continued and oft-repeated


failures to settle his bills, could

have induced Sum-

meval to consider Suggs in other light than as


the best friend the " Union," or any other house,

ever had.

But, alas

Captain

Suggs had, from

one occasion to another, upon excuses the most


plausible,

and with protestations the most profound,

invariably left the fat larder and

warm beds

of the

" Union," without leaving behind the


niary remuneration with Summeval.

slightest pecu-

For a long time, the patient innkeeper bore the


imposition

with a patience

that

indicated

some

hope of eventual payment; but year in and year


out,

and

the

money did not come.

Mrs. Dennis

at length

spoke out, and argued the necessity of


if

a tavern-keeper's collecting his dues,

he was

dis-

posed to do justice to himself and family.

" Suggs

is

a nice

man

in his talk," she said


is

"nobody

can fault ^im, as far as that

concerned;
;"

but smooth talk never paid for flour and bacon

and so she recommended


the next time,

to her leaner half, that

summary measures should be adopted

24
to secure the

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
amount
iu

which the Captain was

in-

debted to the " Union Hotel."

Sunnneval determined that his wife's advice should


be
strictly

followed;

for

he had seen,

time and
salvation

again, that Jier suggestions

had been the

of the establishment.

" Hadn't

she

kept

him from

pitchin'

John
for

Seagroves, neck and heels, out of the


sayin'

window

that nullification ivarn't treason,

and John

C.

Calhoun

warn't

as

bad as Benedict Arnold.

And
since

hadn't John been a good payin' customer ever


?

That was what he wanted

to

know."

'

The next

session of the Circuit Court after this


at

prudent conclusion had been arrived

in

Dennis's

mind the
criminal
cases

Circuit Court with all

its

attractions of

trials,

poker-playing lawyers, political cau-

Suggs snugly housed


I

and possible monkey shows, found Captain at the " Union."


swiftly for a week.

Time passed on

The judge
lent the

was a hearty liquor-loving fellow;


Captain ten dollars on sight."

and

The Wetumpka

Montgomery lawyers bled freely. In short, everything went bravely on for the Captain, until
a

and

man

with small-pox pits and a faro-box

came

along.

The Captain yielded

to

the

temptation,

THE WIDOW

IIUCJBY'.S

HUSBAND.

25
that he

yielded with a presentiment on bis

mind

should be "slain."

The "

tiger" was triumphant,


!

and Suggs was

left

without a dollar
to his
at

As

if

to

give

intensity
bis
losses

distress,

on the
the
that

morning

after

the

faro-bank,

friendly Clerk of the Court hinted to Suggs,

the grand jury bad found an

indietment against
!

him

for

gaming.

Here was a dilemma

Not only
the
all

out of funds, but obliged to decamp before

adjournment of
opportunity

the

Court

obliged
his

to

lose

of redeeming

"fallen

fortunes,"

by further
ance.

plucking

the

greenhorns in

attend-

"This here,"

said Simon, "is an evci-lastin' fix


all

mile and a quarter square and fenced in

round.

What's a reasonable man and

to

do

Aint

bin workin'

strivin' all for the best ?

Ain't I done
I

my

duty

Cuss that mahogany box.


vented
it

wish the
oif

man

that in-

had had

his

head sawed

with a cross-cut,
thar's the sencc

just afore he thought on't.


in short
alike
is

Now

cards.

Alls
;

fair,

and cheat and cheat

the order

and the longest pole knocks

down persimmon.

But whar's the reason

in

one

of your darned boxes, full of springs and the like,

and the better no advantages, except now and then

2G

AMKKICAN IIUMOUH.

wlicn he kin kick up a .squabble, and the dealer's

a/card of him.

" I'm

for doiu' things

on the square.

What's

a
a

man

M'ithout his

honour?
'

Ef natur give me
and the

gift to beat
it's

a feller at
!

old sic Jge,'

like,

all

right

But whar's the

justiee in a thing
!

like farrer, that ain't got

but one side

It's

strange

what a horrir
matter how
it

have for the eusscd thing.


rise,

No
'

make an honest
iVs

I'm sure to

back

off'

at

fanrr.

my

wife says,

'farrer's

my

hesettin' sin:

It's a

weakness a

soft spot, it's

a let me
When
remarked

sce!-it's a .ray I've got of a runnin'

agin Providence.

But

hello

here's Dennis."

the inn-keeper walked up, Captain Suggs


to him,

that there

was

a "little paper

out," signed by

Tom

Garrett, in his officicd capacity,


if

that was calculated to hurt feelins',


in town,

he remained
*

and so he desinid that

his horse

might be

saddled and brought out.

Summcval
Captain a

replied to this

by presenting

to the

slip of

paper containing entries of

many

charges against Suggs, and in favour of the " Union


ilotel."

" All right," said Suggs


of weeks and settle."

I'll

be over in a couple

THE WIDOW UUOHy's


" Can't wait
;

IIUSHANI).

27

want money

to

buy

provisions

account been standing two years, thirty-one dollars

and

fifty

cents

is

money

these days/' said Dennis,

with unusual firmness.

" Confound your ugly face/' vociferated Suggs,

"

/'//

(jive

you

my

note

that's

enough

among

gentlenu'n, I suppose ?"

" Hardly," returned the inn-keeper,

" hardly
worth the

we want

the

cash

you're note ain't

trouble of writin' it."

"

Dam

you

!"

roared Suggs, "


!

dam you
county

for a

biscuit-headed nuUiJier

I'll

give you a mortgage


in the
;

on the best half section of land


halfof 13, 21, 29!"

south

" Captain Suggs," said Dennis, drawing


coat,
I

off his

" you've called

me

a nullifier, Strip

and
!

that's
I'll

what whip

won't stand from no man.

and

as

much dog

out of you

as'll

make

a full pack of

hounds.

You

swindlin' robber !"

This hostile demonstration alarmed the Captain,

and he

set in to soothe his


fcl,"

angry landlord.
in his most

" Sum, old


tones, "

he
!

said,

honeyed
fightin'

man "
dignity,

Sum,
and

old

fel

be easy.

I'm not a

here

Suggs drew himself up with


fightin'
!

" I'm not a

man

except
alters

in the

cause of

my

country

Thar I'm

found

"

28

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Come, old fellow

do

you reckon cf youM been a


?

nulliHer, I'd ever been ketched at your bouse

No,

no

you

ain't

no

j)art

of a nuUifier, but you arc ratbcr


aller.s

hard down on your Union friends that

puts
?

up with you.

Say, won't you take the mortgage


a thousand dollars,

the
let

land's riehly worth


Bill/'

and

me have Old

The heart of Dennis was melted


thus made.
It

at the appeal

was to his good-fellowship and his


So, putting on his coat, he

party feelings.

remarked

that he " rather thought he would take the mort-

gage.

However," he added, secaig Mrs. Dennis


his

standing at the door of the tavern watching


proceedings, " he would see his wife about it."

The Captain and Dennis ajjproachcd the landlady


and made known the
"
state of the cas,e.

You

see.

Cousin Betsey,"

Suggs

always cou-

sined
see,

any lady

whom

he wished to cozen
is,

" you

Cousin Betsey, the fact

I'm down just now,

in the
afraid

way
I'll

of

money, and you and Summcval bein'

run away and never come back


afraid of," said

" T'aint that Pin

Mrs. Dennis.

" What then ?" asked Suggs.


" Of your comin' back,
eatin'

us out of house and

home, and never payin' nothin' /"


<(

Well," said the Captain, slightly confused at

"

THE WIDOW RUOnY


the lady's directness
;

HUSnAND.

29
way the

"

well, scein' that's the


sayiii*,
I

mule kicks,
here,
as

as

was

proposed to
distrusts

Sum

lonj;

as

him and you

an old

Union friend

that's stuck

by your house
nullifiers

like a tick

even when the red-niouthcd

swore you

was

feedin'

us

sonp-tails

on hnll-hvcf and blue


thiii's

collnrds

say, as

long as

the case,

pro-

pose to give you a mortgage on the south half of


21, 13, 20.
It's

the best half section in county,


forty

and
bill."

it's

worth

times the

amount

of your

"

It looks like that

ought to do," said Summeval,

who was

grateful

to the Captain for defending his


nullifiers
;

house against the slanders of the


seein* that

''

and

Suggs has always patronized the Union


ivhole ticket
in

and voted the


" Never

split

my

life,"

dropped, in Suggs,

with emphasis.

"

I,""

continued Dennis,
lettin'

"

am

for

takin'

the

mortgage, and
for
I

him take Old

Bill

and go;

know

it

would be a

satisfaction to the nulli-

fiers to

have him put in

jail."

"

Yes,''

quoth the Captain, sighing, " I'm about

to be tuk

up and made
;

nartyr of on account of

the Union
if I

but

I'll

die true to

my

prinsipples, see

don't."

30

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

" They shan't take you/' said Dennis, his long, lank form stiffening with energy as he spoke ; "
as

long as they put


shall.

it

on that hook, hanged cf they


!"

Give us the mortgage and slope


ain't got

"You
know
it,

no rights to that land;


it

I jist

or you wouldn't want to mortgage

for a
I
tell

tavern bill," shouted Mrs. Dennis;

"and

you and Summeval both, that Old


of that stable
till

Bill don't

go out
I say

the money's

paid mind,

money~mio my

hand," and here the good lady

turned off and called Eob, the stable-boy, to bring her the stable key.

The Captain and Summeval looked


like

at each other

two children school-boys.

It

was clear that no


satisfy

terms short of payment in

money would

Mrs. Dennis.

Suggs saw that Dennis had become

interested in his behalf; so acting

upon the

idea,

he suggested

" Dennis, suppose you loan me the money .?" " Egad, Suggs, I've been thinkin' of that
as I have only a fifty dollar bill,

but

and

my

wife's

key
it,

bein' turned

on

that, there's

no chance.

Drott

I'm sorry

for you."
'11

" Well the Lord

purvide," said Suggs.


get

--td

As Captain Suggs could not

away

that day,

evidently, he arranged, through his friend

Summeval,

; !

THE WIDOW RUGBY


vvitli

HUSBAND.

31

the Clerk, not to issue a capias until the next

afternoon.

Having done
raising the

this,

he cast around for


;

some way of

wind

but the

fates

were

against him, and at eleven o'clock that night, he

went to bed

in a fit

of the blues, that three pints

of whiskey had failed to dissipate.


after the Captain after every

An

hour or two
sheets,

had got between the

and

one else was asleep,


still softly,
it

he heard some one

walk unsteadily, but

up

stairs.

An

oc;

casional hiccup told that

was some fellow drunk


fall,

and

this

was confirmed by a heavy


as,

which the

unfortunate took as soon

leaving the railing, he

attempted to travel suis pedibus.


^'

Oh

good Lord
a

\"

groaned the fallen

man
This

" who'd
and

thought

it.

Me, John P. Pullum, drunk


I never

fallen

down

was

so before.

world's

turnin'

over

and
it.

over.

Oh, Lord
will

Charley Stone got


say
if

me

into

What
!"

Sally

she hears

it ?

Oh, Lord

" That thar "


is

feller,"

said the Captain to himself,


I

the victim of vice.


?"

wonder

cf he's got

any

money

and the Captain continued

his

soUloquy

inaudibly.

Poor Mr. Pullum,

after

much tumbling
fall,

about,

and sundry

repetitions of his

at

length conthat

trived to get into bed, in a

room adjoining

l^.-

32

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

occupied by the Captaiu, and only separated from


it

by a thin partition.
"

Fm
is

very

very
so

oh,

Lord
that

me,
I'll

this

John P. Pulhim

married Sally Rugby, oh oh " Ah I'm weak wouldn't have owh wha oh, Lord hear of
faint
! ! ! !

drunk Oh good Heavens


!

!"

Sally
it

aw
a
for
!

to

for

hundred

dollars

She said when she

a2;reed

me

to sell the cotton,

Vd

be certain

oh.

Lord

believe Fll die !"

The

inebriate fell back on his bed, almost fainting,


try

and Captain Suggs thought he'd


ment.
Disguising his voice,
:

an experi-

Avith his

mouth

close

to the partition, he said

" You're

liar

you

didn't

marry

Widow
off

Rugby;

your some thief tryin' to pass

for

something."
"

Who am
the

I then, if I ain't

John P. Pullum, that

married

widdow

Sally

Rugby,

Tom

Rugby's

widow,

old Bill
ef
it

Stearns's only

daughter?

Oh,

Lord

ain't

me, who

is

it ?

Where's Charley

Stone can't he
" No,
it

tell if it's

John P. Pulkuu ?"


lyin' swindler
;

ain't you,

you

you

ain't

got a dollar in the world, and never married no


sich
voice.

widow/'

said

Suggs,

still

disguising

his

THE WIDOW RUGBY


"
I

HUSBAND,
didn't.
I
all

33

did I'll

be hanged

if

know

it

now;

Sally llugby with the red head;


I

of the
it's

boys said

married her for her money, but


I'lu

oh, Lord

very

ill."

Mr. Pullum continued


asleep, half awake, for

his

maudlin
all

talk,

half

some time ; and

the while

Captain Suggs was analysing the

man conjecturing
the
like.
feller

his i)recise circumstances, his family relations,

probable state of his pu^se, and the

"

It's a plain case,"

he mused, " that the

married a red-headed widow for her money

no
It's

man

ever

married sich for

anything

else.

])lain agin,

she's got the property settled


for

upon
'

her,

or fixed
for

some way,

he talked about her


I'll

agreein'

him

to sell the cotton.

bet he's the

new

feller that's

dropped in down thar by Tallassee, that

Charley Stone used to know.

And

I'll

bet he's

been down to
a

Wetumpka

to sell the cotton

bust

thar
of

and
it,
!

got on
He's
voice

now's on another here.


too;
leastways,
his

afeard

his
like

wife

trembled

when he
Pullum

called her red-headed,


!"

Pullum

Pullum

Here Suggs studied.

" That's surely a Talbot county

name

I'll

venture

on

it,

anyhow."

Having reached a conclusion, the Captain turned


over in bed and comi)Osed himself for sleep.

VOL.

I.

34
At nine
of the

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
o'clock the next morning, the bar-room

"Union" contained only Dennis and our


Captain.

Breakfast was over, and the most of the temporary occupants of the tavern were
in the public square.
for

friend the

Captain Suggs was watching Mr. Pullum, who had not yet come down to

breakfast.

At length an uncertain step was heard on the stairway, and a young man, whose face showed
indisputable

evidence of a frolic on

the previous

night, descended.
his
fear.

His eyes were bloodshot, and

expression was a mingled one of

shame and
as

Captain

Suggs walked

u].

to him,

he
ll

entered the bar-room, gazed at his face earnestly,

and slowly placing


slowly,

his

hand on

his shoulder,

as
\

and with a stern expression, said

" Your " "


I

name Pullum
is
it is,'^

!"

know

said the

young man.
said Suggs, pulling his
still

Come

this

way then,"

victim out into the street, and

gazing at him

with the .look of a stern but affeciionate parent.

Turning

to

Dennis as they went


coffee

out, he said

" Have a cup of


in fifteen minutes,

ready for this young

man

and

his horse

by the time he's

done drinking
f

it."

Mr. Pullum looked confounded, but

said nothing,

THE WIDOW rugby's HUSBAND.


and he and the Captain

35

alked over to a vacant

blacksmith's shop across the street, where they could

be free from observation.

" You're

from
severity,

Wetumpka
and
as if his

last,"

remarked

Suggs with
crime.

words charged a

" What

if I

am

?" replied Pullum, with an effort

to appear bold.

" What's cotton worth ?" asked the Captain, with

an almost imperceptible wink.

Pullum turned white and stammered out " Seven or eight cents.''
" Which
hers for ?"
will

you

tell

your wife you sold yours

John P. turned blue


" What
asked.

in the face.

do

you know

about

my

wife ?"

he

" Never mind about


of gettin'
Georarv ?"

that.

Was you
left

in the habit

drunk before you

Talbot

county,

"

never lived

in

Talbot

was

born and

raised in Hanis," said Pullum, with something like

triumph.

" Close

to the line, though," replied Suggs, con-

fidently relying

on the

fact that

there was a large

D 2

36

AMERICAN IIUMOIR,
in

fiimily of Pulluins

Talbot;

"most

of your con

ncxions

livt'd in

Talbot.
all

"

^Vi^\\,

xvhat of

that ?"
to

asked rulluni, with


I conic from,

inii)aticncc!;

"what

is it

you wliar

or whar

my

connexion lived ?"

" Never

mind I'll show

y')u

no

man

that

married Hilly Stearns's daughter can carry on in the

way y Olive been doin\ without


the intrust of the family !"

my

interferin' for

Suggs
that

said this with an earnestness, a sternness,

completely vanquished
:

rullum.

lie trenm-

lously asked

"

low did you know that

married Stearns's

dauii'hter ?

" That's a
tliat

fact 'most

anybody could have known


old
times.

was

intimate with the family in


I

You'd better ask how


w'lfes

knowed

that you tuk your


it

cotton

to

Wetumpka
give
(jot

!M
I'

sold got
to

on

spree after

Sally

you a caution too


on another spree.
say

and
What

then came by here,

do you reckon
get

Sally will

you when you

home

?"
it,"

" She won't know

replied Pullum,

" unless

somebody

tells

her."
will
tell

" Somebody

her,''

said Suggs,

" I'm

THE WIDOW ruoby's husband.

37

going home with you as soon as you've had breakfast.

My

poor Sally

Rugby

shall

not be trampled
fifty dollars

on

in this way.

I've only got to

borrow

from some of the boys, to make out a couple of


thousand.
I

need to

make

the last payment on


cat

my

land.

So go over and

your breakfast

quick."

" For God's sake,

Sir, don't

tell

Sally about
is."

it

you don't know how unreasonable she

PuUum
" The

was the incarnation of misery.


!

divil I don't

she bit this piece out of


to a

my

face," here

Suggs pointed

scar on his cheek,


little girl

" when

had her on

my

lap

only five

years old.

She was always game."


at this reference to

Pullum grew more nervous


his wife's mettle.

"

My

dear

Sir,

don't

even

know

your

name."
" Suggs,
Sir

Captain Simon Suggs."


me
off

"Well,

my

dear Captain, ef you'll just let

this time, I'll lend

you the

fifty dollars."

" You'll~lend~me thefifty dollars !


asked

Who
Sally's

you
t"

for

your

money,

or

rather

money
"
I

only thought," replied the humble husband


it

of Sally, " that

might be an accommodation.

!l

88
meant

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
no harm
it
;

know

Sally

woukln^t

mind

my

lending

to an old friend of the family."

" Well/'
shutting his

said
eyes,

Suggs,
biting

and
his

here
lips,

he

mused,

and talking
better.''

very slowly, " ef I

knowed you would do


said Pullum.
Sir !"

" "

I'll

swear

I will,"

No

swearin'.
;

roared
in

Suggs,

with

dreadful frown

" no swearin'

my
I

prcsenee !"

" No,
11

Sir, I

won't any more."


hioived you'd

" Ef," continued the Captain, "

do better

go

rigJit

home,"

(the

Captain didn't

wish Pullum to stay where his stock of information

might be increased)
all

" and treat Sally like a wife

the rest of your days, I might,


fifty,

may

be,

borrow
let

the

(seein' it^s Sally's

any way), and

you

off this

time."
will.

"Ef you
'

Captain Suggs,
of

I'll

never forget

you;
life."

I'll

think

you

all

the

days

of

my

" I ginnarally makes


to forget,"

my

mark, so that I'm hard

said the Captain, truthfully.


fifty for

"Well,

turn
;l!

me

over a

a couple of months,

and

go home."

Mr. Pullum handed the money


seemed to receive
bill in his fingers,
it

to

Suggs,

who

reluctantly.

He

twisted the

and remarked

THE WIDOW
"
I

IIUOHY'S IIU8DANU.

39
;

reckon

Fd

better not take this

money

you

won't go home, and do as you said/*

'Yes,

will,"

said
I'll

Pullum;

"yonder^s

my

horse at the door.

start this

minute."
to the tavern,

The

Cajjtain

and Pullum returned

where the
bill.

latter

swallowed his coffa; and paid his

As

the

young man mounted

his

horse,

Suggs

took him affectionately by the hand.

"John,"

said he,

"go home,
for
;

give

my

love to

cousin Sally,
better,

and kiss her

me.

Try and do

John, for the futur'

and ef you have any


in

children, John, bring 'em

up

the

way

of the

Lord.

Good-bye !"
bill,

Captain Suggs now paid his


balance

and had a

on hand.

He

immediately bestrode his


as

faithful "Bill,"

musing thus

he moved home-

my

ward
" Every day I
git

more insight

into things.

It

used to be, I couldn't understand the


wilderness,
clear to
lick
!

manna
;

in the
it's

and the ravens


eyes.

feedin' Elishy

now,

my

Trust in Providence that's the


I

Here was

in

the wilderness, sorely op-

pressed, and mighty nigh despar,

Pullum come

to

me, like a

'

raven,' in

my

distress and a fat one,

40
at tliat
!

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
Well,
as I've
allcrs to
said,
lioiiostv

and

Providence will never


Jist give nic that for a
all

fail

fetch
I'll

man out!
ajjin *e'

hand, and

'stand'

creation ?"

I)

fh

THE niO HEAR OF ARKANSAS.


and
ut!
igin

41

IV.

THE BIG BEAU OF ARKANSAS.*

STEAM-BOAT

Oil

thc Mississippi frequently, in


trips,

making her regular

carries

between places
;

varying from one to two thousand miles apart


as

and

these

boats

advertise to

land passengers and

freight at

"

all

intermediate landings," the hetero-

geneous character of the passengers of one of these


up-country boats can scarcely be imagined by one

who has never


you

seen

it

with his

own

eyes.

Starting from

New

Orleans in one of these boats,


with

will find yourself associated

men from

every state in the Union, and from every portion of


the globe
;

and a man of observation need not lack


*

By

T. B. Thorpe.

42

AMKIirCAN IIUMOUH.

for imiuscinciif, or iiistniction in siirh n crowd, if he


will take the trouble to read the great l)0(jk of cha-

meter so favourably opened before


be
s(rn
jostliun;

liiiu.

Here nuiy
Southern
from

together
]wx]\nv

the

wealthy

l>lanter,

and the

of

tin-ware

New

Kngland the Northern


ern

nierehant, and the Sonch-

jockey a venerable
land

bishop,

and u desperate
and
'Ik;

gambler the

speculator,

honest

farmer j)rofessional men


and Cornerackers,

of

all

creeds

and cha-

raeters Wolvcreens, Suckers, Iloosiers, Buck-eyes,


beside; a "plentiful

sprinkling"

of the half-horse and half-alligator species of men,

who
down

arc peculiar

to

"old Mississippi," and who by going up and

a])pear to gain a livelihood simply

the river.

In the pursuit of })leasure or busi-

ness, I have frequently

found myself
in

in

such a crowd.

On

one occasion, when


to

New

Orleans, I had the

occasion

take

a trip

of a

few miles np

Mississippi,
''

and

I hurried

on board the well-known


steam -boat

high-pressure-and-beat-e very-thing "


last

" Invincible," just as the

note of the last bell

was sounding
that
is

and when the confusion and bustle

natural to a boat's getting under

way had

subsided, I discovered that I was associated in as

heterogeneous a crowd as was ever got together.

As

my

trip

was

to be of a

few hours' duration only, I

i;i

Tin:

mn ukar

ok Arkansas.
ucj 'aiutiul with
voiild

43

nmdc no
fellow

ctulciavoiirs to

bccou;

my my

|)ii8s<!ii<;crs,

most of who.n
ol'

be toj^ether

many
pocket

diiyH.
th(!

fiiHtciul

this,

took out of

"latest piiper,"
its

and
;

more; ciitieully than


fellow j)as.scngcrs
little

usual examined
at the

contents
dis[)0Hed

my

same

tinu;

of thcunsclvcs in

groups.

While

was thus busily emi)loycd


busi^;

in reading,

and my eompanions were more


in diseuMNing

still

empV)yed

such subjects as suited their humours

best, w(; were startled


Tndiitn

most unexpectedly by a loud


in

whoop, uttered

the "social hall," that

part of the cabin fitted off for a bar; then was to

be heard a loud crowing, which would not have


continued to ha'c, interested us
quite

such sounds being


had not the
for the

common

in that

place of spints

hero of these windy accomplishments stuck his head


into the cabin

and hallooed out, " Hurra


!"

Big

IJiU'

of

Arkansaw

and then might be heard a

confus'Ml Inun of voices, unintelligible, save in such

broken sentences as "horse," "screamer," "lightning


is

slow," &c.
expected, this continued in-

As might have been

tcrrupii/n f+tracted the attention of every one in

the cab'n

ill

conversation di'oppeel, and in the

midst of this surprise, the " Big Bar" walked into

44

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

the cabin, took a chair, put his feet on the stove,


his shoulder, passed the general and familiar salute of " Strangers, how are

and looking back over

you?"

He

then expressed himself as


at

much

at

home

as if

he had been
little

" the Forks of Cypress,"


so."

and " prehaps a

more

There was something about the intruder that won the heart on sight. He appeared to be a man
en-

joying perfect health and contentment:

his eyes

were as sparkling as diamonds, and good-natured


to simplicity.
self

Then

his perfect confidence in

him-

was

irresistibly droll.

"Prehaps,"

said he,

"gentlemen," running on

without a person speaking, "prehaps you have been to New Orleans often, I never m de thefrsi visit
before,

and
life.

don't intend to

make another
in that

in a

crow's

I ana

thrown away

ar place,

and

useless, that ar a fact.

Some

of the gentlemen
I,

thar called

me ^rem well,
home; and

prehaps I am, said


if I ain't off

but

arn't so at

my

trail

much, the heads of them


wern't

perlite chaps themselves

much

the

hardest;

for

according to

my

notion, they were real know-nothings, green as a

pumpkin-vine couldn't,
a crop of turnips
:

in farming,

I'll

bet, raise

and

as for shooting, they'd miss

a barn

if

the door was swinging, and that, too, with

THE BIG BEAR OP ARKANSAS.


the best
to
rifle

45

in the country.

And

then they talked

me

'bout hunting, and laughed at

my

calling the

principal
jack.

game

in

Arkansaw, poker, and high low-

"'Prehaps/
rolette
;'

said

I,

'you prefer chickens and

at this
if I

they laughed harder than ever, and

asked

me

lived in the woods,


?

and didn't know

what ffame was


'Yes,'
I

At

this I rather

thmk

I laughed.
if

roared,

and

says,

'Strangers,
in

you'd

asked

me

hoiv

we got our meat

Arkansaw, I'd
list

a told you at once,

and given ^ou a

of varmints

that would

make

a caravan,

beginning with the bar,


;

and ending
not game.'

off with the cat

that's

meat though,

"Game,
maybe such
noticed

indeed, that's what city folks


it

^all

it;

and with them

means chippcn-birds and

bitterns
I arn't

trash live in
:

my

diggins, but
is

them yet

a bird

any way

too trifling.

never did shoot at but one, and I'd never forgiven

myself for
pounds.

that,

had

it

weighed
rifle

less

than forty
less

I Avouldn't

draw a
I

on anything

than that;

and when

meet with another wild


I'll

turkey of the same weight

drap him."

"

wild turkey weighing forty

pounds

V
?

ex-

claimed twenty voices in the cabin at once.

" Yes, strangers, and wasn't

it

whopper

You

46
see,

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
the thing was so fat that
fell
it

couldn't flv far

and when he

out of the

tree, after I

shot him,

on striking the ground he bust open, and the way


the pound gobs of tallow rolled out of the opening

was perfectly beautiful."


I)

"Where

did

all

that

happen?" asked a

cynical-

looking Hoosier.

"Happen! happened
could
ll
.

in

Arkansaw

where

else

it

have happened, but in the creation

state,
sile

the finishiug-up country

state

where the

runs down to the centre of the 'arth, and Govern-

ment

gives

you a

title to

every inch of

it ?

Then

its airs

^just

breathe them, and they will


It's

make you
it

snort like a horse.


is."

a state without a fault,

" Excepting mosquitoes," cried the Hoosier.


I

"Well, stranger, except them;


that they are lather enormous,
selves in

for

it

ar a fact

and do push them-

somewhat troublesome. But, stranger, they


;

never stick twice in the same place

and give them

a fair chance for a few months, and you will get as

much above
can't hurt

noticing them as an alligator.


feelings, for they lay

They

my

under the skin

and

I never

knew but one

case of injury resulting

from them, and that was to a Yankee: and they


take worse to foreigners,
I
I,

any how, than they do

to

:;i

THE BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS.


natives.
first

47

they

But the way they used that fellow up punched him until he swelled up and
,

busted; then he sup-per-a-ted, as the doctor called

he was as raw as beef; then he took the ager, owing to the warm weather, and finally he
it,

until

took a steam-boat, and


the only
that I

left

the country.

He was
and
I

man

that ever took mosquitoes at heart


of.

know

But mosquitoes

is

natur,

never find fault with her.

If they ar large,

Arkan-

saw

is

large, her varmints ar large,

her trees ar

large,

her rivers ar large, and a small mosquitoe


in

would be of no more use


ing in a cane-brake."

Arkansaw than preach-

knock-down argument in favour of big mosquitoes used the Hoosier up, and the logician started on a new track, to explain how numerous
bear were in his " diggins," where he represented

This

them

to be

" about

as plenty as blackberries,

and a

little plentifuler.'"

Upon the utterance

of this assertion, a timid


if

little

man

near

me

inquired

the bear in

Askansaw ever

attacked the settlers in number's.

" No,"

said our hero,

warming with
see
it

the subject,

" no,
to

stranger, for
;

you

ain't the

natur of bar

go in droves

but the way they squander about


is

in pairs and singL ones

edifying.

And

then the

<
48
way
I

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
hunt
of

crack

them the my gun as

old black rascals


well
as they

know

the

know
it

a pig's

squealing.

They grow thin

in our parts,

frightens

them

so,

and they do take the noise dreadfully,


That gun of mine
:

poor things.

is

a perfect epiit will

demic among bar


off as

if

not watched closely,


scent as

go

quick on a
:

warm

my

dog Bowie!

knife will

and then that dog

whew
if

why

the

fellow thinks that the world is full of bar, he finds

them
think
;

so easy.

It's

lucky he don't talk as well as

for with his natural


leai-n
all

modesty,
is

he should
to

suddenly

how much he

acknowledged

be

ahead of

other dogs in the universe, he would be


Strangers,

astonished to death in two minutes.


that dog

knows a

bar's
:

way

as well as

a horseat the

jockey knows a woman's


right time,
bites
at

he always barks
exact
I
place,

the

and whips
tell

without

getting

scratch.

never could

whether he was made expressly to hunt bar, or whether bar


w^as

made

expressly for

him

to hunt

any way^

I believe

they were ordained to go toge-

ther as naturally as Squire Jones says a

man and

woman
In
fact,

is,

when he

moralizes in marrying a couple.


;

Jones once said, said he

"

'

Marriage, according to law,


origin;
it's

'

civil

contract

of divine

common

to

all

countries

!l<i

THE BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS.


as
j

49
'*J
it

well

as

Arkansas, and people take to

as to

naturally as
bar.'

Jim Doggctt's Bowie-knife takes

"

"

What

place?"

season of the year do your hunts take inquired a gentlomanly foreigner,

who,
sus-

from some

peculiarities

of

his

baggage,

pected to he
expedition,

an Englishman,

on some hunting
of

probably at the

foot

the

Rocky

mountains.

" The season for bar hunting, stranger," said the man of Arkansaw, '^s generally all the year
round,
I read in history that varmints have their fat season, and

and the hunts take place about

as regular.

That is not the case in Arkansaw: feeding as they do upon the spontenacious
sile, they have one continued fat season the year round: though in winter, things in

their lean season.

productions of the

this

way

must

rather more greasy than in summer, I admit. For that reason, bar with us run' in
is

warm

weather,
!

but in

winter they only waddle.


;

Fat, fat

it's

an enemy to speed
it.

it

tames every-

thing that has plenty of


turkeys, from
its

have seen wild

influence, as gentle as chickens.

Run

a bar in

this fat condition,

and the way


amazing;
until
it

it

improves the
of mixes the

critter for eating is


ile

sort

up with the meat,

you

can't

VOL.

I.

50
tell t'other
rccollccf",

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
from which.

Fve done

this often.

one pcrty morning

in particular, of putting

an old he fellow on the

stretch,

and considering the

weight he carried, he run well.


tired

But the dogs soon


came up with him,

him down, and when

wasn't he in a beautiful sweat

might say

fever

and then to

see his

tongue stick.ug out of his

mouih
like

a feet, and his sides sinking

anu opeiu.ig
he couldn't
1

a bellows,

and

his cheeks so fat


fix

look cross.

In this

blazed at him, and pitch

me naked
line.

into a briar patch if the steam didn't

come out of the

bullet-hole ten foot in a straight


I

The

fellow,

reckon,

was made on the

high-pressure system, and the lead sort of bust his


bilcr."

"

Tliat

column of steam was rather curious, or


ivarrn^''

else the

bear must have been

observed the

foreigner, with a laugh.

" Stranger,

as

you observe, that bar was warm,


off of

and the blowing


also
1-^1^

the steam show'd

it,

and

how hard
if

the varmint had been run.

I have

no doubt
insides

he had kept on two miles

farther, his
I

would have been stewed j and

expect to
will
it

meet with a varmint yet of extra bottom, who


run himself into a skinful of bar's grease
possible
;i
.

is

much

onlikelier things have

happened."

THE BIO BEAR OF ARKANSAS.


"Whereabouts
the
of
arc

61

these

bears

so

abundant?"

inquired the foreigner, with increasing interest.

"

^^1^Y, stranger, tlioy inhabit the

neighbourhood

my

settlement, one of the prettiest places on old


a

Mississipi-a perfect location, and no mistake;


place that had

some
'

defects,

until the river


;'

made

the 'cut-off' at the


evil,

Shirt-tail

Bend

and that remedied

as

it

brought

my

cabin on the edge of the


in wet weather,
I assure

river a great advantage


you, as you can

now

roll a barrel

of whiskey into
as

my

yard in high water from a boat,


off a
it

easy as
as

falling

log.

It's

a great improvement,
jug,
as
I

toting

by land
it

in
fast,

used to

do,

evaporated

too

and

it

became expensive.

Just stop with mc, stranger, a


a year, if you like, and
place.

month or two,
appreciate

or

you

will

my

I can give you plenty to eat; for, beside

hog and hominy, you can have bar-ham and barsausages, and a mattrass of bar-skins to sleep on,

and a wildcat-skin, pulled


corn-shucks, for a pillow.
to sleep, if

off

hull,

stuffed

with

That bed would put you


in every joint in

you had the rheumatics


I call

your body.
look at

that ar bed a guielus.

Then
another
sucli

my land the

government
of.

ain't got

such a piece to dispose

Such timber, and

bottom land!

why, you can't preserve anything

B 2

li

i.\

32
naturul

AMERICAN
you plant
in
it,

IIUaiOUK.

unless you pick

it

younjj
I

things thar will grow out of shape so quick.


Pill
Jil

once
;

pliintod in those diggina a few potatoes

and beets

they took a fine start, and after that an ox-tcam


couldn't have kept
time, I

them from growing.


Kentuck on

About that
and did

went

off to old

bisiness,

ir
not hear from them things in three months,
I accidentally
at
j^M

when

stumbled on a fellow who had stopped

my
*

place, with

an idea of buying
?'

me

out.

'

How
is

'

did you like things

said I.

'

Pretty well,' said

he

the cabin

is

convenient, and the timber land


ain't

good; but that bottom land


cent.'

worth the

first

red

'Why?'
?'

said
*

I.

'Cause,' said he.


it's

''Cause

what

said I.

'Cause

full
'

of cedar stumps

and Indian mounds,' said he,


chared'
is

and

it

can'i he

'Lord!' said

I,

'them ar "cedar stumps"


ar tater

bceis,

and them

ar

" Indian mounds"

hills.'

As
useless

I
:

expected,

the

crop was

overgrown

and

the

sile is

too rich, and planting in ArkanI

saw
itl!

is

dangerous.

had a good-sized sow

killed in

that

same bottom land.

The old

thief stole an ear

of corn,
to eat.

and took
Well, she

it

down where

she slept at night

left a

grain or two on the ground,

and lay down on them: bcf)re morning, the corn


shot up,

and the percussion

killed her dead.

I don't

ill!
i

Wn

THE niO BEAU OP AUKANSAS.


plant any more:

53

natur Intentlcd Arlcansaw for a


I

hunting-ground, and

go according

to natur."

The

questioner

who thus

ehcitcd the description


to

of our hero's
satisfied,

settlement,

seemed
;

be perfectly

and said no more

but the " Big Bar of


to another

Arkansaw" rambled on from one thing

with a volubility perfectly astonishing, occasionally


disputing with those around him, particularly with

a "

live

Sucker" from

Illinois,

who had

the daring

to

say that our Arkausaw friend's stories "smelt

rather tall."

In

this

manner the evening was spent

but, con-

scious that

my own
if

association with so singular a

personage would
I asked

probably end

before

morning,

him

he would not give


;

me

a description

of some particular bear-hunt


great interest
in

adding, that I took

such
desire

things,

though

was no

and he squared himself round towards me, saying that


he could give

sportsman.

The

seemed

to please him,

me
so

an idea of a bar-hunt, that was

never beat in this world, or in any other.

His

manner was
consisted
in

singular,

that

half

of

his story
telling
it,

his

excellent

way

of

the

great pcculiai'ity

of

which

was,

the

happy
parts

manner he had of emphasizing the prominent


of his conversation.

As near

as I can recollect, I

54
have
italicized

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
them, and given the story in his own

words.

" Stranger," said

he,

"

in

bar-hunts /

am

nit'

merous ; and which particular one, as you


I shall
tell,

say,

puzzles me.

There was the old she-devil


last fall

I shot at the

Hurricane

then there was the


you an idea

old hog thief I popped ovet at the Eloody Crossing,

and then

Yes,

have

it

I will give

of u hunt, in which the greatest bar was killed that

ever lived, none excepted; about an old fellow that


I
if

hunted, more or

less, for

two or three years; and

that ain't a particular bar-hunt, I ain't got one

to tell.

" But, in the


I
l!

first

place, stranger, let

me

say,

am

i)leased

with you, because you ain't ashamed

to gain information
that's

by asking and listening; and


every
day,

what

say to Countess's pups


I

when I'm home; and


l.*,\

have got great hopes of

them
about

ar pups, because they arc continually nosing


;

and though they


place, they gain

stick

it

sometimes in the

wrong

experience any how, and

ii

may

learn something useful to boot.


as I

" Well,
see,

was saying about

this big bar,

you

when

and some more


drivin'
to

first

settled in our

fm

region,

we were
it,

hunting naturally: we

soon liked

and

after that

we found

it

an easy

THE BIO BEAR OP ARKVNSAS.


matter to make the thing our business.
chap,

65

One

old

who had

pioneered 'afore

us,

gave us to

understand that we had settled in the right place.

He

dwelt pon
us,

its

merits until

it

was

affecting,

and

showed

to prove his assertions,

more marks on

the sassafras-trees than I ever saw on a tavern door


'lection time.

'Who
bar,'

keeps that ar reckoning?'


'

said

I.

'

The

said he.

What
it

for

said

I.

''Can't

tell,'

said he; 'but so

is: the

bar bite

the bark and wood too, at the highest point from

the ground they can reach


marks,' said he,
'

and you can

tell

by the

the length of the bar to an inch.'

'Enough,' said I;
a'ready, and
I'll

'I've
it

learned

something here

put

in practice.'

" Well, stranger, just one month from that time


I killed a bar,

and told

its

exact length before I


;

measured

it,

by those very marks up considerable


So
I I

and when

I did

that, I swelled

I've been a

prouder

man

ever since.
until

went on, laming something


reckoned a buster,

every day,

was

and

allowed to be decidedly the best bar-hunter in


district
;

mv
to

and that

is

a reputation as
first

much harder

earn than to be reckoned

man

in Congress, as

an iron ramrod

is

harder than a toad-stool.

Did

the varmints grow over-cunning by being fooled


easy

with by green-horn hunters, and by this means get

56

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
send for

truublcsoiJic, they

mc

as a mutter of course
i!'(,>.
'

and thus

do
I

my own

hunting, and

t'

my
as
is

neighbours'.
it

walk into the varmaiif thou^jh, and

has become about as


It
is
is

much

the

si.

'(.

:;

drinking.
started,

tokl

in

two sentences

bar

and he

killed.
I

The thin^
just

is

srmewhat
will
will

monotonous now
run,

know

how much they

where they

will

tire,

how much they

growl, and what a thundering time I will have in


getting them home.

" I could give you


all

this history of the chase, with

the particulars at the connneucemcnt, I


signs so
well
Stroif/er,

know
Once
you

the
I

Pm

certain.
I will
tell

met with a match though, and


it ;

about

for a

common hunt would

not be worth

relating.

"

On

a fine

fall

day, long time ago, I was trailing

about for bar, and what should I see but fresh

marks on the

sassafras-trees,

about eight inches


of.

above any in the forests that I knew


'

Says

I,

Them marks
that was

is

a hoax, or

it

indicates the d
fact,

bar

ever
it

grown.'
real,

In

stranger,

couldn't believe
I

was

and

went on.

Again

saw the same marks,


the ihhuj lived.

at the

same height, and /

knew
to

That conviction came homo


Says
I,
'

my

soul like an earthquake.

Here

is

ili

i^

THE BIG DEAR OF ARKANSAS,


somctluiig a-puri)osc for nic
I
:

57
mine, or

that bar

is

give

up the hunting business.'


I sec

The very next

morning what shoukl


zards

but a number of buz-

hovering over

my
I,
'

coru-fiekl.

'The
is

rascal
;'

has been there/ said

for that sign


I

certain

and, sure enougli, on examining,

found the bones


iyil

of what had been as beautiful a hog the day before,


as

was ever raised by a Buck-eye.

Then

I track';d
all
,>

the critter out of the tield to the woods, and

ihe
Jie

marks he
bar.

left

behind, showed

me

that he

" Well, stranger, the

first

fair

chase I ever had

with that big critter, I saw hiui no less than three


distinct thncs at a distance
:

the dogs run

him over

eighteen miles and broke down,

my

horse gave out,

and
on

was as nearly used up as a


princij)le,

man

can be, made


Before
to
this

my

which

is

patent.

adventure, such things


])ossible
;

were
it

unknown
him

me

as

but, strange as

was, that bar got


;

me

used to

it

before I was done with

for

he got

so at last, that he

would leave me on a long chase


he did
it,

quite easy. stand.


this

How

never could under;

That a bar runs


tire

at all is puzzling

but

how

one could

down and lust up

a pack of

hounds and a horse, that were used

to overhauling

everything they started after in no time, was past

58

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
understanding.

my
off

Well, stranger, that bar finally

got so sassy, that he used to help himself to a hog

my

premises whenever he wanted one


left,

the buz-

zards followed after what he

and
I

30,

between

bar and buzzard,

rather

think

was out of

pork

" Well, missing that bar


vitals,

so often took hold of

my

and

wasted away.
it

The thing had been

carried too far, and

reduced

me

in flesh faster

than an ager.
I did
:

would

see that bar in evervthinjr


like a devil,

he hunted me, and that, too,


to

which I began
fix,

think he was.
to give

While

in

this

made preparations
it.

him

a last brush,
everything;

and be done with


to

Having completed
started at sunrise,

my

satisfaction, I

and

to

my
was

great joy, I discovered from the


that they were near

way the dogs run,


his
trail

him; finding

nothing, for that had become as plain to the pack


as a turnpike road.

On we
hill,

went, and coming to

an open country, what should I sec but the bar very


leisurely

ascending a

and the dogs

close at his

heels, either a
else

match

for

him

this time in speed, or

he did not care to get out of their


which.

way I don't

know

But wasn't he

a beauty, though ?

I loved

him

like a brother.

" On he went,

until

he came to a

tree,

the limbs

THE BIO BEAR OF ARKANSAS.

oy

ground.

of which formed a crotch about six feet from the Into this crotch he got and seated
himself,
all

the dogs yelling

around
a

it ;

and there he
in

sat

low water. green-horn friend of mine, in company, reached shooting distance before mr>, and blazed away,

eyeing them

as

quiet as

pond

hicting

the critter in the centre of his forehead.


his

The bar shook

head

as

the ball struck

it,

and

then walked down from that tree as gently as a lady would from a carriage. 'Twas a beautiful
sight to
see

him do that he was


to be

in

such a rage that he

seemed

as little afraid of the

dogs as

if

they

had been sucking-pigs; and the dogs warn't slow in making a ring around him at a respectful
distance,
I tell

you;

even Bowie-knife,
his eyes

himself,

stood
fire

off.

Then the way

flashed why the

of

them would have singed

a cat's hair; in fact

that bar was in a wrath all over.

Only one pup came near him, and he was brushed out so totally
with the bar's
left

paw, that he entirely disappeared


still.

and that made the old dogs more cautious


the

In

meantime,

came up, and taking


side,

deliberate

aim, as a
his foreleg,

man

should do, at his

just back of

i/my

ffun did tiotsnap, call


it

me

a coward,
if

and

I won't

take

])ersonal.

Yes, stranger,

snapped, and I could not

find a cap about

my

im
60
person.
to

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
While
in this prcdieanicnt, I turned
I,
'

round

my

fool

friend says
a

Bill/ says

I,

'you're an

ass you're
kill that

fool you might

as well have tried to

bar by barking the tree under his belly, as

to have

done

it

by
a

hitting hiin in the head.

Your

shot has

made

tiger of him,

and

blast me, if a

dog gets

killed or

wounded when they come

to

blows, I will
;vill
'

stick

my

knife

into

your

liver,

"

My

wrath was up.

had

lost

my

caps,

my
to

gun had snapped,

the fellow with

me had
kill

fired at

the bar's head, and I expected every


see

moment

him
at

close in with the dogs,


least.

and

a dozen of

them

In

this

thing I was mistaken, for

the bar leaped over the ring formed by the dogs,

and giving
course,
in

a fierce

growl, was off the pack, of

full

cry after him.

The run

this

time

was

short,

for

coming
in,
it

to the

edge of a lake the


to a little island in

varmint jumped
the lake, which
the dogs.

and swam

reached just a

moment

before

"

'

rU

have him now,' said

I,

for I

had found

caps in tbe Uninr/ of

my

coat~ho, voWuw: a
tl

my kg

into the lake, I paddled myself across to

c island,

just as the
I rushed

dogs had cornered the

br.r in

a luickot.

up and fired at the same

tinic the ci'itter

THE BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS.

61

leaped over the dogs and came within three feet of

me, running

like

mad

he jumped into the


I

lake,

and

tried

to

mount the log

had

just

deserted,

but every time he got half his body on


roll

it, it

would

over and send

him under
pulled

the dogs, too, got


finally

around him, and

him about, and

Bowie-knife clenched with him, and they sunk into the lake together. Stranger, about th"' time I was
excited,

and

I stripped off

my

coat,

drew

my

knife,

and intended
myself,

to have taken a part with "Bowie-knife

when the bar

rose to the surface.

But the
alone,

varmint staid

under Bowie-knife came up


alive,

more dead than


ashore.

and with the pack came

"
^

'

Thank God

!'

said

I,

'

the old villain has got


'ih

his deserts at last.^

" Determined to have the body, I cut a grapevine for a rojic, and dove down where I could see
the bar in the water, fastened
leg,

my
to

queer rope to his


difficulty,

and fished him, with great

ashore.

Stranger,

may

be

cl

awed

death by young
I]

alligators, if the

thmg

I looked at wasn't a she-bar,


all.

and not

the old critter after

The way matters

got mixed on that \A'^mx was onaccountably curious,

and thinkmg of
vinced that I

:i

made me more than

ever conI

was hunting the devil himself.

62

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
to

went home that night and took


thing was killing
inc.

my

bed

the

The

entire

team of Arkan-

saw

in bar-hunting,
fact

acknowledged himself used up,

and the

sunk into

my

feelings like a
I

snagged

boat will in the Mississi])pi.

grew as

cross as a

bar with two cubs and a sore out ^nong

tail.

The thing got

my
?

neighbours, and I was asked

how
when

come on

that individ-u-al that never lost a bar

once started

and

if

that

same individ-u-al didn't

wear telescopes when he turned a she-bar, of ordinary


horse
size, into
?

an old he one, a

little

larger than a

"
'

'

Prehaps,' said
b

I,

'

friends'

getting
liar

wi-athy

prehaps you wai

to call
'

somebody a

"
as
|!i
I

'

Oh, no V

said they

we only heard such things


of late,
no,'

being

rather

common
it;

but we don't
then they

believe

one word of
ride
off

oh,

and

would

and laugh

like

so

many hyenas

over a dead nigger.

"It was too much, and


that bar,

determined to catch

go

to

Texas, or die,
I

and
pieces,

made my

preparations accordiu'.

had the pack shut up


and
iled
it.

and

rested.

took

my
I

rifle to

I put caps in every pocket about

fear of the
that

lining.

then told

my my

person, for

neighbours,
i,ht

on Monday morning

naming

day

THE BIG BEAR OF AUKANSAS.


would
start thai

63

bar,

and bring him home with

me, or they might divide


them,
the

my

settlement

among
Well

owner

having

disappeared.
to

stranger,

on the morning previous


hunting expedition,
I

the great

day of

my

went into the

woods near

my
'

house, taking

my gun
I

and Eowiesitting

knife along, just


also

from

habit,

and there
see,

down

from ha^
fence, b.

hat should
'jar!

getting over

my

f/u

Yes, the old varmint was

a hunc d yards of me, and the way he walked over that fence stvan<rcv, he loomed up like a black mist, he seemed so large, and he walked

within

right towards me.

I raised myself, took deliberate

aim, and fired.

Instantly

the

varmint wheeled,

gave a

yell,

falling tree
after,

and tvalked through the fence like a would through a eobweb. I started

but

was tripped up by

my

inexpressibles,

which, cither from habit, or the excitement of the

moment, were about

my

heels,

and before I had

really gathered myself up, I heard the old varmint

groaning in a thicket near by, like a thousand


sinners,

and by the time I reached him he was a


Stranger,
it took five niggers and myself on a mule's back, and old long-

corpse.

to put that carcass ears

waddled under his

load, as if

he was foundered

in

every leg of his body,

and with a

common

^w^

ftiiXiiiXj.

51
",:.-^^^.n'

64
whopper of

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
a bar,

he would have trotted

off,

and

enjoyed himself.

'Twould astonish you to know


:

how

big he was
it

made

a bed-spread of his skin,

and the way


leave

used

to cover

my
in

bar-niattrcss,

and

several feet on each side to tuck up,


It

would

have delightcid you.

was

ftict

a creation bar,

and
him,
If

if it

had

lived in
it

Samson's time, and had met

in a fair fight,

would have licked him


But,
stranger, I

in the

twinkling of a dice-box.
liked

never

the
is

way

hunted him,

and missed him.


it,

There

something curious about

I could

never

understand,

and

I never

was

satisfied at his aivin"-

in so eosj/ at last.

Prchaps, he had heard of

my
jist

preparations to hunt

him the next day,

so

he

come

in, like

Capt. Scott's coon, to save his wind

to grunt with in dying; but that ain't likely.

My

private opinion
bar,

is,

that that bar

was an unhuntablc

and died when

his time come.'''


sat
;

Wlicn the story was ended, our hero

some
I

minutes with his auditors in a grave silence


there was a mystery to

saw

him connected with the


related,

bear

whose death he had just

that

had

evidently
It

made

a strong impression on his mind.

was

also evident that there

was some superstitious

awe connected with the


with
all

affair,

feeling

common

" children of the wood," when they meet

THE GREAT BEAU OF ARKANSAS.


with anything
out
of their everyday

65

experience.

He was

the

first

one, however, to break the silence,


all

and jumping up, he asked


before going to

present to "liquor"
did, with a

bed,-a thing which he


evidently
to

number
content.

of companions,

his

heart's

VOL.

I.

66

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

V.

JOHNNY BEEDLe's COURTSHIP.*

After

my

sleigh-ride

last

winter,

and

the

slippery trick I was served by Patty Bean,

nobody

would suspect

me

of hankering after the

woman
on,

again in a hurry.

To hear me rave and take

and

rail

out against the whole


it

femenine gender,

you would have taken


never so

for granted that I should


all etartinity.

much
I

as look at one again, to


!

Oh, but
says
I,

was wicked

" Darn their

'ceitful eyes,"

"blame

their skins, torment their hearts,

and drot them

to darnation

V
if I

Finally, I took

an oath, and swore that

ever

meddled, or had any dealings with them again


*

By W.

J.

Mc

Clintoch.

!i!

'

JOHNNY MEEDLe's
in the sparking line I

COUIITSHIP.

Q7
rnir^ht

mean~I

wili

hung and choked.


and then going
gals,
all

be

But swearing

off

from

Lnan
Sunday

into a n.ecting-house chockfull of

shining and glistening in their


is

clothes and elean faces,

like

swearing off from

liquor and going into a grog-.shop-it's all sn.oke. I held out and kept firm to my oath for three

whole Sundays, forenoons, a'ternoons, and inter missions complete on the fourth there were stronc. symptoms of a change of weather. A chap, abou^ my size, M'as seen on the way to the meeting-house with a new patent hat on, his head lun.g by the
:

ears

upon

a shirt-collar, his cravat

had

a puddino-

in

It,

and branched out

in front into a

double-bow

knot.
as a

He carried a straight back, and a stiff neck man ought to when he has his best clothes on
spit,

and every time he


like a jack-knife,
ruffles.

he sprung his body forward

in order to shoot clear off the

Squire Jones's pew

is

when
under

next but two to mine, and

I stand

up

to prayers,

and take

my

coat-tail

my

arm, and turn

my

back to the minister,

at in a fog. Indeed, as regards beauty, some folks think she

I naturally look quite straight at Sally Jones. Sally has got a face

Now

not to be grinned

F 2

68

AMERICAN IIUMOrn.
For

can pull an even yoke with Patty Hoan.


part, I think there
is

my

not

much

boot between them.


tlicy

Anyhow, they

are so well

matched that
otlicr

have

hated and despised each

like

rank poison,

ever since they were school-girls.

Sqnire Jones had got his evening


set himself

fire

on,

and

down

to read the great Hible,

when he

heard a

ra]) at his
in.

door.

" Walk

Well, John,

how

der do

Git out,

Pompcy

!"
well, I

"Pretty

thank yon. Squire; ami how do

you do ?"
" Why, so as to be crawling.
yc hold ycr yop
!

Ye ugly
and

beast will
set

Haul up

a chair

down,

John."
"

How

do you do, Mrs. Jones ?"

" Oh, middlin'.

How's yer marm ?"

"Don't

forget the

mat

there,
I

IMi-.

Beedle.-"
off

This put

me

in

mind that

had been

sound-

ings several times in the long


boots were in a sweet pickle.
It

muddy

lane,

and

my

was now old Captain Jones's turn, the grand-

father,

bcmg

roused from a doze by the bustle and


his eyes,
last,

racket;

he opened both

at

first

with

wonder and astonishment.

At

he began to

JOHNNY UEEDLe's

COURTSIIIl'.

69
iff

halloo so loud that you might hear


for

him a mile
is

he takes

it

for granted that


is.

everybody

just

exactly as deaf as he

" Who

is it, I

say

Who

in the

world
ear,

is it

?"

Mrs. Jones,
out

going close to his

screamed

'^t's Johnny Bccdlc !"

"Ho, Johnny
summer
at

]3ecdle;

remember he was one

the siege of Boston."

"No, no, father; bless your heart, that was his grandfather, that's been dead and gone this twenty
years \"

"

Ho

But where does he come from ?"

"Daown taown." " Ho And what does he foller for a livin' ?" And he did not stop asking questions after this
!

sort, till all

the particulars of the Beedlc family


last

were published and proclaimed in Mrs. Jones's


screech.

He

then sunk back into his doze again.

the cat squat

The dog stretched himself before one andiron, down before the other. Silence came
like a

on by degrees,

calm snow-storm,

till

nothin"-

was heard but a cricket under the hearth, keeping


time with a sappy, yellow-birch forestick.
sat

Sally

up, prim as

if

she were pinned to the chair-

back, her hands crossed gentecly upon her lap, and

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70

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
fire.

her eyes looki looking straight into the Jones tried to straighten herself

Mammy
laid

too,

and

her
lay

hands across
still.

in

her lap.

But they would not

It

was

full

twenty.four hoars since they had

done any work, and they were out of all patience with keeping Sunday. Do what she would to keep them quiet they would bounce up now and then,

and go through the motions,

in spite of the

Fourth

Commandment.
For

my

part, I sat looking very

much

like a fool.

The more

I tried to say something, the


fast.

more

my

tongue stuck
-left,

I put

my

right leg over the


I

and

said,
left

"Hem!"

Then
It

changed, and
use,

put the

over the right.

was no

the

silence kept

coming on thicker and


all

thicker.

The
I got

drops of sweat began to crawl

over me.

my
this

eye upon

my

hat,

hanging on a peg, on the

road to the door, and then I eyed the door.

At

moment, the old Captain

all

at

once sung

out

''Johnny Beedle
It

!"

sounded

like a clap of

thunder, and I started

right

up an eend.
Beedle,
you'll

"Johnny

never handle
if

sich

drumstick as your father did,


of Methuseler.

you

live to

the age

He would

toss

up

his drumstick.

JOHNNY BEEDLe's COURTSHIP.


and while
it

yj
lyi

was whirlin'
it

in the air, take off a gill

er rum, and then ketch

as

it

come down, without

losm' a stroke in the tune.


that,

What

d'ye think of

your chair round close along, side er me, so you can hear. Now, what have
?

ha

But

scull

yo^u

come

arter V'

''I arter?

Oh,

jist

takin' a

walk.

Pleasant
i&r

walkm', I guess.
do."

I mean, jest to see

how ye ^

all

"Ho,

that's another lie!


;

YouVe come

a courtin',

Johnny Beedle

you're a'ter our Sal.

Say, now^

d'ye want to marry, or only to court ?"

This

is

what

I call a choker.

Poor Sally made

but one jump, and landed in the middle of the kitchen ; and then she skulked in the dark
corner,
till

the old man,

after

laughing himself into a

whooping-cough, was put to bed.

Then came apples and


broke, plenty chat with

cider,

and the

ice

being

Mammy

Jones about the

minister and the "sai-mon." I agreed with her to a nicety upon all the points of doctrine, but I had forgot the text and all the heads of the discourse,

but

six.

who
day.

to tell I accounted the best singer in the galleiy, that

Then she teazed and tormented me

But,

mum

there was no getting that out of

me.

72

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
"Praise to the
face,
is

open disgrace," says

I,

throwing a

sly squint at Sally.

Mrs. Jones lighted tother candle, and after charging Sally to look well to
last,

At

the

fire,

she

LJ

and the Squire gathered up shoes and stockings, and followed.


to

the

way

bed,

his

Sally and I were

left

sitting a

good yard

apart,

honest measure.

For

fear of getting tongue-tied

again, I set right in, with a steady stream of talk. I told her all the particulars about the weather that was past, and also made some pretty ^cute guesses
at

what

it

was

like to

be in future.

At

first, I
;

gave
then,

a hitch

up with

my
I

chair at every full stop


it

growing saucv,
semicolon
;

repeated
it

at every

comma and
her.

and

at last,

was

hitch, hitch, hitch,

and

I planted myself fast

by the side of

"I

swore, Sally,

you looked

so plaguy
!"

handsome

to-day, that I wanted to eat

you up

"Pshaw

get along you," said she.


its

hand had crept along, somehow, upon fingers, and begun to scrape acquaintance
with

My

hei-s.

She sent
It
-'

it

home

again, with a desperate jerk.

Try

again no
"

better luck.

Why, Miss

Jones, you're gettin' upstropulous

a little old-maidish, I guess,"

" Hands

ofi" is

fair play,

Mr. Beedle."

JOHNNY BEEDLE's COURTSHIP.


It is a

73

good sign

to find a girl sulky; I

knew

where the shoe pinched-it was that are Patty Bean business. So I went to work to
persuade her that I

had never had any notion


It,

after Patty,
at

and

to prove

fell

to

running her down

a great rate.

Sally could not help

chiming in with

me
I

and I

rather guess Miss ]>atty suffered a few.

now not

only got hold of her hand without opposition, but

managed

to

slip

an arm round her waist.

But

there was no satisfying

me;

so I

must go

to pokinoit.

out

my

lips after a buss.

I guess I rued

She
see

fetched
stars,

me

slap

in

the faee, that


like

made me

and

my

ears

rung
I

a brass kettle for a


at the

quarter of an hour.
joke, tho^ out of the

was forced to laugh


side of

wrong

my mouth,

gave

my

which

face

something the

loolc of a gridiron.

The

battle

now began in the regular way. "Ah, Sally, give me a kiss, and
I won't, so, there
it,

ha^ done with

now.''
''
:

it '

nor tech

to"

" ril take

whether or no."
'"

Do it And at
''

if
it

you dare

we went, rough and tumble.

An odd
bow
At
at

destruction of starch

now commenced
up

my

the

of

cravat was squat

in half a shake.

the the

next bout, smash went shirt-collar;

and

74,

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

same time, some of the head fastenings gave way and down came Sally's hair

in a flood, like a mill-'

dam broke
One

loose, carrying

away half

a dozen

combs
ruffles

dig of Sally's elbow, and


to a dish-cloth.

my

blooming

wdted down
to boast.
It

But she had no time


to shiver

Soon her neck tackeling began

parted at the throat, and whorah came a whole school of blue and white beads, scampering and

running

races, every
if

which way about the


Sally Jones
is

floor.

By

the hookey,

not real grit however, I

there's

no snakes.

She fought

fair,

must own, and neither

when she could


somely.

fight

and no longer, she yielded hand-

tried to bite or scratch;

Her arms

fell

down by her

sides,

her

head back over her


lay her
little

chair, her eyes closed,


all in

and there
Lord,
robing

plump mouth,

the a
?

air.

did ye ever see a

hawk pounce upon

young

or a bumble-bee upon a clover top thing.

I say no-'

Consarn
night
!

it,

how

a luss

ill

crack of a

still,

frosty

Mrs. Jones was about half way between asleep and awake.

" There goes


self,
''

my yeast bottle," says she to herburst into twenty hundred pieces ; and my
dough agin."
is,

bread

is all

The upshot of the matter

fell

in love with

JOHNNY HEEDLe's COURTSHIP.


Sally Jones,

75

made

Every Sunday ni-ht rapping at Squire Jones's door; and twenty times have I been within a hair's breadth of popping the question. But now I have

head over

ears.

ram

or shine, finds

me

a final resolve,

niglit,

and
will

and if I live till next Sunday don't get choked in the trial, Sally

Jones

hear thunder.

7G

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

VI.

THE MARRIAGE OF JOHNNY DEEDLE.*


Since
riding,
I

came out
frolicing-

in

print about
I

my

sloigh-

and

and courting,
state,

have entered
dabbling

into

the

matrimonial
:

and

left oiF

in the newspapers

for a

married

man

has a cha!

racter to take care of.

But

folks tease

and torment

me
;''!

so

much

to let

my

^em know the particulars about

marriage, that I don't


for all,

know

that I

had best

sit

down once

and tell the


I

rest of

my

experience.
to

When

I left off,

believe I

was spunking up

Sally Jones like all vengeance,

and threatening
v/asn't"'

to
I ?

give her the butt-end of

Well, I was as good as


*

my my
Mc

sentiments,

word.

The next Sab-

By W.

J.

Ciintoch.

THE MAllllIAGE OF JOHNNY HKEDLE.


l^atli-day
tlio

'JJ

I went right to work, after meeting, upon outer nmu, u. Deacon Carpenter says, and by

sun-down,

tliing.s

looked about
I

right.

.ay no-

thing; but when

stood up to the ghtss to finish

and thought of
fortli, I

titivating hair

saw a
I,

little

and wiskers, and so fellow there that looked wicked

and says
bread
is

- If Sally Jones knows which side her buttered-but no matter, she shan^t
say I

didn't give a chance."

Well, I went over to the Squire's, pretty well


satisfied in

my own mind;
little

so,

after flattering

crowing about her a


cloven foot.

while, I

and up and shew the

" Sully," says


worser ?"

I,

will

you take me

for better or

This

put

her

to

considering,

and I gave a
cut a early-cue

flourishing about

the room, and

with

my

right foot, as

much
"

as to say,

own time."
At
last,

- Take your

says she,

Fd

as

liv's

have you as
declare
I

anybody
can't."

in

the

world,

John,

but~I

"You
''

can't,

ha!

And why

?"

Cause"

" Cause what ?"


" Cause I
can't,

and

that's

enough.

would in

78
a minuto,

AMERICAN
.Tol.n,

IIUMOUll.

but for only one reason, and that

Pni afraid

to tell yo."
I,

"Poh, poh!'' my,


there's only

" do^t hv

basl.ful.

If

one

stun.,,

in

the way, I guess here's

a fellow"

"Well, then, look tothcr way, John; speak if you look at me."

can't

"0, yes;
a
flert.

there, now's

your time," says

I,

with

"l^he reason isJoe IJowcrs, the

tage.drivcr.

i;

Now, you

shan't

tell

nobody,

Jdm,

will

ye?"
!

Who
It

would have thought


to

this of Sally Jones

seemed
:

me

the very

Old

]?oy

had got into


!

the

women
To

they

fairly ],ut

mc

to noni,lus]i

All

this time,

my
see

,,o,,ularity

with the ladies was amaz-

ing.
all at

them

flattering

and soft-soaping me had nothing


had as much gaU
for

onee, you would have sworn I


I

to do but pick and choose.

lantry

to

do as

wanted everywhere; and


I never

politeness
to

and

gentility

turned

my

back

no man.

Then they were

so thick

and

familiar

with me, that they didn't care what they said or did
before

me;

and, finally, whenever they had errands

or chores
fetch

to,

who but
?

was the favourite bird to

and carry

I was for ever

and ever racing


do their bid!

and cantering from post

to pillar, to

TIIR

MARRIAGE OP JOHNNY UKEIKAI.


snow or
nine],
f,.,.,y

79

(linj

It ini or shine,
,,d,

nofh insr stop


,__._,^,j

V"'SS n,c;

,y y, I

If

^|^^._

Mr.B,dle!"

But ho
tl,.

began ,o touch ,,.


tl.on

e,.U e I <,
,cti,cnt,
I

,fi.ial

how quick
of
vvoiiie.i

wap

the tune w,.. d,agcd


!

0, the

are curious
t,,

I'atty

Bean , t

^^^

^.^,_^

..I""g short.

fo,. the .t of akn,g; and I was ,,Iagy apt to talk turky always vvhen I get sociable, if ,t was only out of Hitonesi Now and then one would prounse, and then fly off a the ,a.lle; but most all contrive some reason or other for g.ving ,e the bag

I never lost anything

taken

firn,

resolve never to

never ." and the next Sunday morning she wa Another chicken thought she was a grea deal too young
lH.b shed
to .undertake to

Oue had marry-" No, never,

to

hold.

famdy.
n>ar,,

manage

At

last, I

took a great shine to the school.

luldah

Hornbeam,
I,

years older than

and

of her heart and hand, she feed up her month, and, says she, " 1%, a great respect and esteem for you, Mr. Beedle,

taller

noek; and when

though she was ten by half a yard

I offered

cl so

b,U--

forth.

Nothing

will

cool

a man quicker

80
tlinn rcsppct
l^'it
!(,

VMKUIC.VN IIUMoirit.

and

cstcci ">

"nles:s

i(

is

a
ic'.-

uct blanket.
cvi t'cs -

Iluldi.l,

alone,
all

she

ha.l

upon

Deacon Carj)enter

the time.
l,nie,

W(

II,

as

nas ^.in- n,,,ing alonJ


l\-\\

from

Sqinre Jones's,
Boetoi. saw
'"^^^*''"'

,vifl,

|),(ur I)inp;ley.

The

in
'"'

""'

minnte that sonethi,^- was the ^vent to work and pnmped the
of
n.e.

vvhoh,

secret
I

<,nt

Then he secnu.l
him
all

so

fncndly, that
^vitil

np

an.l lohl

n.y experience

the

MonM.n,

Aom

the

be

miing

to

the

end.

"Well, John," says ho, "I advise you now to


>vait
till

gals turn round

the twenty-ninth of FeluMa.y, when the and eonited the tellows. K's

of

my
Well,

none

business,

but,

woiddn't

let

the

women

make

a fool of
1

me any
a
I

more.'"

took

resolution,

and

stuck

to

it

firm;

for

when
like

once set

up
I

my
1

ebene.er,
to
it

am

just

mountain.

stuck

alonto

pretty well

into January,
I

when

had to go

snign.g school.

nmst go

to singing school, for

I was leader ir treble, and there was no carrying on the parts without me. ]Jut
this

was nothin.^

If It

hadn't

fell to

my

lot to

go home with llannali


Politc.ness

Tcabody,

four

times

running.

before

everything,

\rell,

she kept growing prettier and

THK MARHIAOK op ,on,


pnittier every ry t.uu, ti
cl(l

v i.KKULE.

81

but I only grit ,uy

t.-.-th

on the harder.
l.y,

and

I'y "".I

Sal,batl,-,l,.y

i,.|,t

, ,,j_

,_,j

""J-.

I,

tl,

-tomach
1<I

rcwlutiou will ,ver .ct well on


i,.

my
J
|,,f

,vi.l,o,u

excr-.^,e;
J

and

I,.,',,,.

.lone

,l,ink.g of this,

,o,.e

tl

to t,,,tain

IVal,o,lyV

wa about

dayli.l,,

^"wn.,,[w,,a.in,,ytl.Utc.l,en;butl,l;
,;"";.''':'''"'""'''''''''!-'
"itc the n,Unv,jn.st out of curiosity.

"!'-.

pecM

;";;" -f 1"! I ".tndsc,


;:

'""
tl,e

'-' ^
l.|,,,

-'J
telling

-e ,.annah and
fortunes
,-0

in
o,i;

ahe,

the

l,y

,,|i,,.

turned round to

'uu r.Kht asain.t Jack Ilobino. Jek wa con.e t" tt up will, the help, an,l would in,,i,t upon t. 1 should go iu and ee Hannah-'- She hasn't "uparktlm month," say 1,0, "and in you
sliull

and

go, or

I'll lick

yc."
all

VVell,
''<1

there
,lo

was no doilging here, and


it.

I
1

to

was to grin and bear


in,

So in

wont, and once

good bye to
it,

resolution.

hort and the long of

The
in

the n.ud as I had been in the n.ire. But I had another guess chap to deal with than Sally Jone, VOL, I.

was soon as deep

82
now.

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

now the difFerence between Wliere you got a slap in the chops from Sal, Hannah kep ye off with a scowl and a cock up of the nose. And Madam couldn^t bear handling. With her, it was talk is talk, but hands
them.
off,

And

here was

Mister.
I

But

rather guess I had cut

my

eye-teeth

by

this time.

If I hadn't learnt something about the

nature of the women, the kicks I had taken from


all

quarters

fell

upon ban-en ground.

There

is

no way

to deal with

them but

to coax
ye,

and

flatter;

you gain nothing,


soft

let

me

tell

by saving of
it.

soap; and you must be sly about


to catch a wicked
devil

It is

no way

of a colt,

in

pasture, to

march right up,


along as
if

bridle in

hand; you

must
and

sort of sidle

you was going past,

whistle,

and

,,retend to

be looking tother way,till

and

so

round and round,

at last

you

corner

him up; then jump and clench him by


!

the foreloex.

Fm
it

not so great a fool as I might be.

But
and

I could

was a long tedious business before Hannah come to any sort of understanding.

Tlicre

my

was old Captain Peabody was a stump in way. He was a man that had no regard for

politeness;

he travelled rough-shod through the town, cariTing a high head and a stiff upper lip.

THE MARBUOE Or JOHNNY BEEDLE.


a.

83

mcl,^as to

say;

"I owes nobody


till

nothing,
sailed his

-."
all

He had
went

been a skipper and

l.oner

al.ng ashore,
baek,

he had got

Landed;
down^
f

foreset

the,,

up eountry, and

to

fr,ng.

But
all

he.

never tuekle to man.

as

big as
fist

out-doors.

And

after

poked hi,

he

in

my

faee,

one

'leetion,

we never

nitcljcd horses together.

Well, as 1 was afeard to go to the house, and court Hannah in the regular way, I had to carry on the war just when and where I could; sometmie of a dark night, I could steal ,nto the kitchen. i3ut my safest plan was, to track her to the ncghbour^s house, where she went to spend the vcnn,gs; skulk about till she started home, then waylay her on the road. Pretty poor chance this
you'll
say.

But

If this

wasn't enough,

Hannah

herself

must
sec

join in to plague
I

me

half to death.

You
WHH

wanted

to

let

her

know what
of

after in a short of a delicate

ud keep myself on the


Hll

underhand way
the fence'

safe

side

the time,

if

there was to be any kicking.

ilannah had no notion of riddles; she woiUd not understand any sort of
plain

But

English.

VHy
darts,

I hinted

suspicions

about

true love,
I

and

Cupid's

and

all that.

Then

would breathe a long

G 2

84.

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
and say
:

sithe,

"What

does that mean,

Hannah
she
if

?"

But

no, she couldn't

see,
all

poor soul

looked
butter

as simple an'

innocent

the while as

wouldn't melt in her mouth.

She was plaguy

close,
,f

too,

as

to

her

-oings

and comings; and


accident
to let

she happened any

time

by

drop the least word that

showed

me where
off.

to find her next time, she

was so mad

with herself that she was ready to bite her tongue

One day she was going to her Aunt Molly's to spend the evening, and she went all the way round to Dr. Dingley's to tell Mrs. Dingley not to tell me. "For," says she, "I don't want him to be dodging me about everywhere." Well, Mrs. Dingley, she promised to keep dark, but she told the
Doctor, and what does the Doctor do, but comes right straight over and tells me, "Gone
all

stark

alone," says he,

" but

it's

none of

my

business."
a piece
I

This

is

the day that I have

marked with

of chalk.

Hardly was daylight down before


in

was snug
barn.
It

my

skulking nest, in Aunt Molly's

was on the hay-mow, where there was a knot-hole handy to look through and
see
all

that went in or out of the house.


in

had

scheme

my

head that Hannah

little

dreamt of; and I

THE MARRIAGE OP JOHNNY JJEEDIE.


lay

85

and
1

I. housht
I,

it

over

till

when

she came out; and

got her nnder

my

the lane, think.

arm, and walking down


any-

VH
it

^et the stone a-rolling


will.

now,

let It

stop where

on to talking about this and that and tother thing, and happened (by mere ehance, you know) to mention our old hatter shop, that stands at the corner, that my father used
I set

So

to

work

in

hewasahve.

when

" And,'^ says

shop, always puts

me

in

" speaking of the mind of you, Hannah


I,

" Of me, John ?" says she.

"

"O

Why

?"

it's

^'Well?"

just the thing for a store," says I ^

"Sweep out
truck''
" Well ?"

the dirt,

and old hat

pairings, '

and

chant'"
"
\yell,

- Take the sign ; rub out ' Hatter,' and put in 'Merchant;' and that spells ^John Beedle, ' Mer-

John ?"
salt-fish,

ribbonds and calicoes

Then get rum and molasses, and "


says she, "it's
of.

and

"0!"

my new
it

calico

was a-thmking

gownd you

Ain't
"'tis

pretty ?"

''Oh!" says
say
[-

swec. pretty gownd,"

"J3ut~-I

finally

concluded to set up

86
Store

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
settle

and get married, and merchant for life *'

myself down as

At

this,

snicker.

''

Hannah hung down her head and gave a And how does all that put you in mind

of me, John

says she.

" Guess."

"I won't guess


never

to

touch

to,

V
I said,

so there

now-I

What
for

and what she said

next, is all lost,


It's
all

ni

be shot if I can remember.

buz'

bnz, in
I

my

head, like a dream.


...re

The

first

thin^

knew, we

right

again Captain Peabody's

barn, walking as close together as we could with comfort, and our arms crossed round each other's
waist.

Hannah's tongue had got thawed


like

out,

and
all

was running

a brook on

a freshet,

and

one steady stream of honey.

I vow, I

was ready to

jump
It

out of

my

skin.

was a mile and a half from


I

Aunt Molly's

to

Captain Peabody's, and

thought we had been

about a minute on the road.


let's

So says

'^

Hannah,

go

set
little

down under the

great apple-tree

and

have a

chat, just to taper off the evening.''

predicaments of the nuptial ceremony, and then talked over the store till

We now sat down We settled all the

and began

to

talk

sensible

we

THJi

MARRIAGE OF JOHNNY BEEDLE.

87

thought we saw ourselves behind the counter; I weighing and measuring, and dickering and deahnout,

and

she, at the desk,

pen in hand, figuring

up the accounts.

"And

mind, John," says she,

'I'm not a-going to trust everybody at the corner,' tell ye." But just as we we

were beginning
looks up
great

to get sociable,

as I thought,

Hannah
'ere

and says she:


streak
be,

-What

can

that

red

in

the sky, away

down

there

beyond

Sacarrap ?"

"I

rather

guess," says

I,

"it's

fire

in

the

woods."
''Fire in the

woods!

PH

be skinned

if it isn't

daylight
the

a-coming.

Quick,

John, help

me

into

window before

father's a-stirring, or here'll be

a pretty how d'ye do."

The next job was


Peabody.

to tell

the news to Captain

settled it that she should speak to her mother, and said she could manage her well enough, and it was my business to ask her father. This was a thing easier said than done.

Hannah had

It

stuck in

my

crop for days, like a raw onion.

I tried to persuade

Hannah

to

marry
are

fust,

and

ask afterwards.

Says I:

"You

twenty-four,

and

free
it.

according to law."

But she wouldn't

hear to

She had uo notion of domg anythmg

88
clandestinely.

AMEKICAN HUMOUR.
Then
ice

asked Doctor Dinc,lcy to go

and break the


not
it

for

me.
folks'

But no

he

wouW

meddle with other

business-he made

a point.

"Well," says

I,

"if I have got to con.e to the

scratch, the less I consider

stormy day
easter,

put

my

and

set

my

on it the better." So one head down against a northfeet agoing; and the next thing

was standing right before Captain Peabody. was in his grain-house, shelling
I

He

corn, sitting on a

tub,

with

handles;

an old frying-pan stuck through the and he made the cobs fly every which

way, hit or miss-he didn't care.


so to see

But

it

tickled

him

me dodge

'em, that he got into

uncommon

good humour.

"

Well, Johnny Beedle, what has bro't you up

here, right into the wind's eye, this ere

morning?"
head."

" Why, Cap'm, " No


!

I've got

an idea in

my

how you
see,

talk

!"

matter is, I've a notion of setting up a store, and getting a wife, and
settling myself

"Ye

the upshot of the

down

as a

merchant."

" Whoorah, John,


a wife.^'

there's

two ideas-a store and

" But

want a

little

of your help,- says


he, "I'll do the

I.

"Well, John," says

handsome

THE MARRIAGE OP JOHNNY BEEDLE.


thing by ye.
else,

89

and

sell

If you keep better goods than anybody cheaper, you shall have

my

custom

and welcome, provided


thmgs.

you'll take

pay

in sauce

and

Isn't that fair?"


yes, I

" 0, "

Cap'm."

And

wish you success, on the other tack.


There's lots of

No

fear of that, I'll warrant.


afloat
;

silly girls

and such a

fine,

taught-rigged gcn'man as

you

are, can

run one down in no time."

"0,
"

yes,

Cap'm;

have

run

down

Hannah

already."

My

Hannah

?"
;

" 0,

yes,

Cap'm

we have

agreed, and only want

your consent."

With this the old Cap'm riz right up on eend, upset the tub and frying-pan, and pointed with a great red ear of corn in his hand, towards the door, without saying a word; but his eyes rolled like all
creation

This raised

my

blood,

that I felt so stuffy, that


off,
till

I marched right straiglit

and never turned


I

my

head to the right or


housed.

left,

was

fairly

home and

"Well now,good earnest."

says

I,

"my
I
I

apple-cart

is

upset in

And when

went to Doctor Dingley

for comfort, says he,

"John,

wash

my hands

of this

90
whole
affair,

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
from beginning
I

to end.

I .nust sup-

port n,y character.

am

a settled doctor in this


is

town
;

and the character of a doctor, John,

too

go poking round, and dabbling into everybody's mess. Then," says he, "Mrs.
Dinglcy,
<'

delicate a fiouer to

warn you not

to

meddle nor make

in

Let everybody skin their own Hold you'- tongue, you fool, you. Did you
hear of

this business.

eels.

ever

me burning my

fingers ?"

Howsomevcr, there was some under-hand work carried on somewhere, and by somebody.
I don't
it,

tell

tales out of school.

had no hand
he,

in

till

one day,

Dr. Dingley,
be wanting

says

"John,

if

you
this
I

happen

to

my

horse and shay,


it.

afternoon, about three o'clock, go and take never refused to lend, you know. And I

hope

Captain Peabody will gain his law-suit with Deacon Carpenter, that he has gone down to Portland
to see
to.

But

that's

none of

my

business."

Somebody, too-I
certain

doii't

say

who-there was

Squire Darhng,
off,

living in a certain town,

about ten miles


questions.

that did business,

and asked no

Well, in the said town, just after sun-

with a sort of creamcoloured book under his arm; and he heard some-

down, a young man, named Joseph Morey, was walking near the meeteu-house,

THE AIAIUIIAOK OF JOHNNY BKEULE.


thin- in
the woods,
this side, that,
if it

91
wasn't
if

up guessing. Such a crackand squeaking, and rattling!-such a thrashing. and grunting, and snorting !_you
ing,

a hurricane, he'd give

never'

He

stopped, and looked back,


light.

and

all

soon came to

There was an old white.faced horse came scrabbling along out of the woods, reeling and foaming, with an old wooded top shay
at his tail,

and

chap about
pretty well

my

size flourishing a small


at the end.

beach-pole

boomed up
tell

And, says

"Mister, can you


hves ?"

me where one

Squire Darling

"Which

Squire Darling?"

says he;

"there's

two of the name."

" His name

is

John," says

I.

"Faith," says he, "they are both Johns too; but one is a lawyer, and the
other a cooper."

" 0,

it

must be the lawyer that


this,

I want," says I.

young man gave a squint at Hannah, and a wink at me; and "Come along,"
says he, I

With

the

am

going right there now,


fix

and

I'll

show you the Squire, and

things for ye."

says I, " that's lucky." Well, he carried us into a small, one-story house a httle further on, full of books

"Hannah,"

and

dust,

and

smelling of strong, old dead tobacco-smoke.

Here

dfl

AMKRICAN HUMOUR.
,lw, wl.il.
l,e

we mt

wc>,t out nbont


till

We

our lm,,ic,
dark,
^^^

w.d aud

waited,
,

long

alto,,

wore glad .uougi,

and
^^^^

,,

,,;,

^,,,^^^,

^^^^^

w,thac
but

d,e.

"TI,oS,ui,.oi. very

sieV And
in,

says he,

I l,avc

over.,,cruadcd hi,."

the next

'">n,te.

Squire eanie grunting along

by
tall

|1 u.uffled

".

a grcat-eoat, and ,,,ectaele on, n.l a


us witness for the bride.

woman,

gt

lowed up

Well, be went to work, and married us, and folwiti, a right down s..nsible sern.on, about

>"ll.|>ly."g
clt

and increasing the earth; and so solemn .,nd serious. Then


followed kis
all

never

bndc
''"".

the
I

round,

the eertiHcate;
'""l^-.

and then

gave

'" ''''"

wc got

into the shay

agaiu,

and

off.

After

this,

about a month.
Captain
1

nothing ha,)pcned, to speak Everything was kept


;

of,

for

snug, and

eabody had no suspicion ing, at break of day, as I was


Peabody's back-stairs, n^y band, as usual, I trod
Captau,.

but one morn-

creeping sof;ly

down

with

my

shoes in of water

into

a tub

tandmg on the thn-d step down I came, slam bang.

fron. the bottom,

and

TJie Captain was going

to kill his hogs, and had got up betimes; put his water to heat, and was whetting his butcher-knife in the kitchen.

THE MAIlRUnK The


too,l
first

01-

JOHNNY
I

IlKHm.n.

ai
j,,,.,.,.

thing I ,w,

,vl.
_,

ik,,|

(;pti p,,,y^ .,
'""'''"" ''">">

^^^^^ ,,,,,.;,,

.f^:

"' '"" '"""''

"PC. m.

like th,Ior.

oui
^

want to k
l-y

if [ ,,i,I't

fed

Heeln.chclme
then raied
reach
I
|,i.,

^t^ked
up
:

the eollar,

and

,too,I ,o

and

knife over n,e,

as far a he eonld

n,y last moment was eome Hlood wonid have been shed, as sure as rat, if it hadn't been for Mrs. Peahody. She st,.,,,,e'd nn bchmd, and laid hold of his arm ; and says she Ifs no matter, ; Mr. Peaho.ly ; th,y arc mar'
ried."

thonj;ht

"Mamed
" Yes,
ficate."

to that

puppy?"
I
;

,oarocl the Captr.in.

Sir,"

said

"

a,ul

hero's

the

cert.-

And
gave
It

pulled
;

it

out of n,y jaeket-poeket, and


I didn't stay for

to hin.

but

niony.
1
lid

As soon
off like

any more cereas I felt his gripe loosen a little,


eel,

and backed out-doors, and track home, about as fast as I could leg it. I was in a constant worry and stew all the forenoon for fear the Captain would do anything rash; and I could neither sit still, nor

an

made

stand

still,

eat,

or think.

drink '

About the middle of the afternoon, Dr. Din.^ley cam(, bouncing in, out of breath, and says \e,

~Z-.V^-.-^t\*Vjm

0^1

AM Kill CAN nUMOUH.


.

.lol III.

)ou

Jnivc

Inn.

duMitcd and
that,
it

ba.ulmz|,,l

V..ur

.uarriag...

aii.'t

w<utl.

wa

all

a co.

tnvancc. of Jack
n.|.8,

Darling.

t|.. lawy.,-,

and

his

two
all

Joe Morcy and


till

Prt.-r Sea.,.,,."

This was

lie

c.nld Hay,

h. had uiped his fan-

and taken

aHwif;f
gave

cider, to recover hi

wind; and then he

me When
lu.

all th(! |)arti(;ula!vs.

Captain
eonld not
n,

IVahody
rest,

had

read
uj),

.ny

eertifi-

cute,
ight

bnt tackled

and drove

dou

to let ofr his fury

upon

his old friend,

Sqniiv

D.rling.

The moment he got


called
to,

sight
all

of
the

the S(p,ire, he turned to and


foul

him

names he could

lay his

tongue

for Imlf an

hour.

The Squint denied everything. The Caj.tain downed the certificate, and says he. "There's black and white against ye, you bhmdy old sculi)en.'' The Squire knew the hand-writing
was
his

nc

I)hew\s, as soon

as he

saw

it,

and the truth was


fell

brought to light;
quarter,
it

bui as the storm

in

one

rose
in

from the other.


his day,

Squire Darling
to

had smelt tar

and hadn't forgot how


.001. is

box the

conii,ass;

and

...

the saddle was on

own back

the right horse, he set in and gave the Captain his again, and let him have it about nor-nortill

west, right in his teeth,

he was

fairly

blown

out.

i?"

:i:

THR
Tl,
I'I'y

MAiHirAfii:

or ./ounnv nKv.m.K.

Hliook luu.ds then,


""<>*"--^v<.i^.l.

and

src-in,^

irnnnul. and J
Hai.l

'""'

^"'

toK..th,.,.

th.y

w.

go
all

nu.st

to tho Vice,
fast
in

and no

ti.ne nn,st

be

lent in n.akinir

the lashin,., with n good, fine


in

HCjuaro

J<not,

before n <.hnMj;e

th. u.-ather.

So the

Squ.re nlieked np n

little,

came ho,ne with the


that very night.

got into the shav, and

Caj.tain, to hold the

wadding

How
tl.n

])r.

Dingley

ha,.,,,,,,,! to

be

j,,

town, jnst at
;

time, I don't know.

It

was

his hick

of n,y business; but if I had such a hitch upon Captain Teabody, I would hanback hke ft stone dray, till he agreed t(, back my note for two hundred d.dlars, in the Portland IJank to buy goods with, enough to set you up in the
store."
I

Mr.

Boon as he saw which way the wind was, he licked n,.d cantered "P hon.e in a In.rry. After he lutd pot throngh with the particulars, says he, " Now
IJeedle, it's

and aB

none

thought strong on this

idea,

as I

was goin^.

over to Captain Peabody's; but the monient I show the least syn.ptoms of pacning, such a storm

was

raised as never was seer


la^v,

Father, and n,other-in-

My

and Squire Darling, set up such a yell altogethcr; and, ])oor Hannah, she sat down and cried
licart

failed

me, and

made

haste to give in

96
and plead
how,
set
in

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
feorry,

as quick as possible;
let

and some-

my

hurry, I

out that Dr. Diuglcy had

me on; and

so was the innocent cause of his


first

getting a most righteoas licking, the


tain

time Cap-

Peabody caught him.

It

wasn't settled short

of thirty dollars.

Well, Squire Darling stood us up, and married us about right, and here was

an

end

of

trouble.

Mother-in-law would not part with


she

Hannah, and

father-in-law give us a settling out in the north end of his house. He could not

made

stomach

me

very well for a while, but I have

managed

to get

on the blind side of him.

turned right in to wo^rk

on his farm, as steady and industrious as a carthorse. And I kept on pleasing him in one

way

and another, more and more,

till

he has taken such

a liking to mc, that he wouldn't part with me for a cow. He owns that I save him the hire of a help

out and out the year round. There-now I have done. 1


newspapers any more.
is

can't patronise the


to

have enough

do that

more

profitable about

home.

Betwixt hard work

in the fields,

hog pens,

and chores about house and barn, and can't call a minute my own, summer

nor winter.

And
and

just so sartain as

my

wife sees

me come

in

set

down

to take; a little comfort.

THE MARRIAGE OF JOHNNY BEEDLE.

97

I!in.y. The -"".I. from uth

N'>'y

stories that

are gig

to

,th,

about

the
ft

M-yaa

Pete..

,.ap,

jest to

make

'" "ly expanse.

foltL;

Vol.

I.

98

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

VII.

JOUNNY BEEDLe's THANKSGIVING.*


(C

I SAYS,"

says

I,

" Hannah,

sposin

we keep
invite

tlianksgivin' to
all

home
o'

this year," says I,

" and

our hull grist

cousins,

and aunts and things

go the hull figure, and do the thing genteel."

"Well, agreed," says

she,

"

it's

just

what

was

a thinkin', only I consatc

we'd better not cackliate

too fur ahead, for I didn't never

no

it

to miss

somethin' happcnin' so sure as I laid out for the


leastest thing.
far's I

Though
any

it's

as

good

a time

now,

know, as

for I've just

weanen Moses,

and tend

to take comfort a spell, 'cause a troublecritter niver

somer cryincr

come
Mc

into life."

* By

W.

L.

Cliutoch.

JOHNNY BEEDLe's THANKSGIVING.


Exactly so/'
everything
says I
afore

99

says
I

I,

and

if

I'd a
I

known

was married that

do now,"

" Hold your tongue


says she, "

for a goney,

Johnny Beedlc,"

" Poh

!"

and mind your thanksgivin'." says I, " Hannah, don't be miffy;


jist

was only jecstin' and you


kittle of water,

go and put on a
stick a pig for

and

I'll

go out and
I

you; two

if

you

like."

So away

went and murdered


I

the pigs out o'lovc and good-will to Hannah.

rather guess the critters wished I warn't so good-

natured.

Well,

things went
all,

on

swimmingly, and
to

what
the

was best of

we had the luck

invite

minister and deacon afore anybody got a chance


for the very

moment

the proklimatiou was read, 1

watched for

em

comin' out of meeting, and nailed


as I

'em both.
at

But

was a

telim',

Hannah, she went


and

it she got some


all

of her galls to help her,

they made
to

smoke.

In the

first

place she went


out,

work

reg'lar,

and turned the house inside


side in

and then t'other


darnin'
gall,

agani,
is

all

the same as

stocking.
rael
let

Hannah

smart

willin'

and a

worker, and a prime

cook

into
line,

the bargain;

her alone in the doughnut


!

and

for

pumpkin pieslick

So the day afore the

H 2

100

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

thanksgivin' she called


that

me

into the t'other

room;,
to see

Marra Peabody christened the parlour,


lot o'

what a

pies

and cakes, and sausage-meat and


charged

doughnuts she'd got made up, and


not to lay the weight of
I telled

me
the

my

finger

upon one on 'em.


call in

her

guessed she cackelated to


all,

whole parish, paupers and


of vittles
;

to eat

up

sich a sight

so I to

grabbed a handful of doughnuts, and

went out

feed the hogs, and to see to things


I

in the field.

was gone
I

all

the fore part


I

o'

the
all

in

day, and

when

went home
pucker

found Hannah

hoity toity, in a
to
kill,

livin'
little

cryin',

and taken on and

and poor

Moses

tottling artcr her

cryin' too.

I declare if I didn't feel streaked. in

"

What
?

the

name

o'

natur," says

I,

"

is

the

matter

who's dead, and what's to pay


that she fetched a

now

?"

With
she

new

screech,

and down

whopped

into a cheer.

" Johnny Beedle, Johnny," says she, and with


that she

boohood agin.
ails

"

What

the
?

woman
!"

?"

says

I,

''

are

you

possest, or

what
is

" The child


is

ruined

says she, "

Moses Beedle

ruined.''
I kitc^xcd

up the

child,

and turned him eend

for

eend, every which vray, but I couldn't see nothin

Ill

JOHNNY BEEDLE's THANKSGIVING.


extraordinary.
I

101

begun

to think that

the

woman

was bewitched, and by


to feel mad.
feller's

this time

was a good mind

I don't

know

of nothin' that'll raise a

dander quicker than to skeer him out of his seven senses. So I giv Hannah a reg'lar breezin',
for actin' so like a raven

distracted bed

bug ; and

what with

jarrin' a spell

and coaxin' a

spell, at last

I got the whole on't out of her.


It appears that about an

hour or thereabouts arter

rid up to the door a horseback, got down, and come in and asked for a

I'd gone out, there was a

man

drink

o'

water or beer, I ain't sartain

which but

anyhow he was
civel

a raal dandified chap, and dreadful

spoken withal.
about
set,

So

my

wife and he soon got

into a chat

the weather

and

sich

things.

Well, while he

room
nap
;

in the he'd been asleep, you know, with his mornin's

the

young one squalled

my

wife

went and fetched him into the room,


that the

and she obsarved


hard at him, as

man

looked considerable

if

he sec'd somethin' queer; tho


it

she didn't think nothin' of


recollected arter wards.

at

the

time,

but

She was quite tickled

to

see the

man

take him

and
with

set

him on

his

knee

but while he was a playin'

him for

Moses is

a raal peeler,

he ain't afeered
he

of the biggest stranger that ever

was directly

102
fell

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
to

pawin' about his head In


to

sich

a comical

style,

and talking

himself,

and withal acted so


and went
to take

curious, that

Hannah got

skeery,
let

him away, but he wouldn't


then
;

her take him just

he

said,

" he wanted to examine his head."


!"

" His head


head."

says

Hannah,

" nothin'

ails

his

" Nothin'

ails it ?"

says he, "

why

it's

the most

remarkable head that I've ever seen."

And

then he

went on with sich a string of long words, there was no mcmbcrin' or understandin' half then he clapped his hand on the side of the little fellow's

sconce-box,

" there," says he,

'*

do you see that

divilupment ;" or some sich word that sounded awful.


Jtl

"That's what?" says Hannah.

" Vulgarly
"
It ain't a

called a

bump," continued

he.

bump

too, nythcr," says his

mother.

" It's his nat'rul shape."

"

No

doubt of that," said the


if

villin.
o' that,'*

" Well now,


says she, " that

ever I heard the beat


nat'rul."

bump's come

So he told her they was only called bumps, 'cause


they looked like 'em
;

and the bigger they were,


different

and the more there was on 'em, the more


sorts of capacities

and idees

folks

had and

so on.

T
JOHNNY BEEDLE's THANKSGIVING.
At
first

103
;

she thought the

man was

stark

mad
let

but

he seemed entirely harndess, and so she

him go

on with

his stuff,
it

and somehow he e*en amost perall

suaded her

was

gospel.

lie said little

Moses

had got the bump of destruction


degree, tho'
it
it

to

an

all-fired

was

in

the mother's power to help


if

considerable.

But when Hannah asked him


\ip

she must swathe


out;
jist

his head he

snortcrcd right
that

and then went on

to say,

Moses had
that

got sich a sha])cd head as the


to

man had

was hung down


finally talked

Boston

last

September.

He

her into a

livin'

fidgit

polite as a

stage-driver, all the time too,

and so

larnt, besides,

that

Hannah

couldn't do nothin' but paraphrase.

So

arter he'd drinked a quart o' beer,

and Hannah

cut a mince-pie for him, he cleared, leaving


in

Hannah

such a stew, that kept workin' up and workin*


till
it

up

she heered
all

me

comin' into the house, and

then

burst out to once.


tell

tempestical time

there was, I

you.

Now, by
lockrum, you
passion;

the

time

Hannah had
I

finished

her

may depend
it

was in an almighty
for the feller

and

was amazin' lucky

that he was out of arm's length that minit.

But

then

understood

it

all

better than she, for I'd

104

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

seen, in the prints, pieces about Fi-finoloffv or Cra-

nology, or some such stuff that seemed to explain


to

my mind

what the

feller

meant.

But poor

Hannah

don^t get

much time

to read newsi)apers,

so that she hadn't hearn a word.

No wonder
at

she

took the
Yet,

man

for a crazy critter.

somehow,

when

looked

IMoses,

couldn't help consatin' that his head looked sort


o'

queer,

tho'
I,

wouldn't

say

nothin'

nyther

but, says

" Hannah, look


you to
fool,

here, that feller that's

been
IS
If
I

treatin'

sieh a rigmarole of

nonsense
If iver I

rotten

and you're another.


I

should light 'pon him, I gess

would give his


gallows.

head a
All
is,

bump
if

that would save

him from the


is

you think anything


I'll

the matter with

the

young one, why

go arter the docter, and

that'll settle it."

" Do, John," says she. So


off I starts for

Doctor Eldrich

but by the time

I got to the house, I

begun

to think

what a tarnation

goose I was to go on such a tomfool's arrcnt.

By
I

good
jist

luck,

left

howsomever, the doctor was out; so word for him to come to our house
if

in the

course iv the day,

he had nothin'

else to do.

Thinks

1,

as I trudge.'

back, here's an end to

^mm m

JOHNNY BEEDLE's THANKSGIVING.


thanksgiving.

105

Well,

to

rights,

Doctor Ilosannah

Eldrich, he's a deacon of our church, and sings


thro' his
ridin'

nose a few.
I

declare,

when

I see

him

up the lane

couldn't
jist

help feclin' like a


to split

thunderin' calf; so I

made excuse

up

some

kindlin',

and

left

Hannah

to give

him the
is

chapter and the varse.

Our wood-house
j

short

of a mile from the house


doctor's
axe,
giv'

but

could hear the

haw-haw
in I went.

clear out there.

So I dropped

and

S'niver the Doctor see

me he

me

a hunch.

"Ain't yew a pretty considerable queer chap," sez he, to send for me on such a beautiful
bizness as
this ?"

With

that
till

he haw-haw'd agin
she cried,

and

my

wife she laughed

jist to see

the figer

the Doctor cut, for he's as long as the moral law, and couldn't stand up for laughin'.

Then

laughed

tu,

till

the house rung

luckily

our nearest neighbour

lives a half a

mile

off,

and

is

stone deaf into the bargain.

So

I tipt the
all

wink

to

Hannah, and

tell'd

Hosannah
;

'twas

a joke of

our'n to send for

him

(for I

thought
if

I should look
tell

corner ways and skwywoniky

he should

the

company about us

nixt day.

Besides, I
well,

know'd the
if

Deacon liked a joke pretty

even

he got

106

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
So, says
it,

rubbed sometimes).
carry
it

I,

How

did

Hannah

out ?"

Cousarn

if

he didn't jumj) right

into the trap.

" Capital
hi
ft

capital !" said he.

'

Botheration,

if

I didn't think she

was in

raal arnest !"

"1

AUNT NABDy's stewed GOOSE.

107

VIII.

AUNT NABBY'S STEWED GOOSE.


Nabby's birthday, and she was bent upon having a stewed goose, stewed in onions,
and with cabbage and
" Pollijah," said she
'bout the farm ?"
salt

It was

my Aunt

pork to match.

to

me, "

ain't

we

got a goose

"No,"

said

I,

"we

eat

the

old

gander a

Christmas, and he was the last of the patriarchs."

Aunt Nabby went down


breakfast.

to Sue,

who was

getting

"Susanna,"
ain't

said

she,

"the boy

tells

how we
shall

got a goose

in

creation.

Now

what

we do ?"
" Go
without,

"

replied

Susanna,

with

that

108
ainiablf
torn;

AMKRICAV HUMOUR.
wliicli

futlicr

Niiid

had worn

off her

teeth

to the fj;uins.
biint upon a goose, and and straight person gets bent

ut Aunt Ni.hby was


wh(>n such a
uj)()ii

stiff

anythnig, you
I

may

eonsider the matter setth'd,

and
had

at

saw that a goose of some kind would be some rate or otlier.


erittur/' eried

"Here, you
litthi

Aunt Nal)by

to the

bhu'k spc'eimeu of the


in

human

family which

was digging potatoes

the garden, "here, I want

you

to

go along
Cato

to the neighbours,

and borra a
over
the

goose."
fence,

laid

down
off

his
his

hoe, got

and shovelled

on

broad pedestals to

get a goose.

The

first

house that Cato came to was that of


tailor,

Sam
Into

Soap, the
the

commonly

called Soft Soap.

shop

went the Yankeefied

negro,

and

making
idol,

a leg to

Mr. Soap, who


in

sat like a

Hindoo
blue

busily

employed
older

patching an
rags,

old

coat

with

still

brown
air of

and humming

most mournfully the


of bonny

Ye banks and braes


it

Doon,'' giving

nasal

twang that

came
of the

direct

from Jedediah Soap, who was a member


Parliament,

Long

"Soap," says Cato, ''you haan^t got no goose, nor nothin", haan't ye, for Aunt Nabby ?"

AUNT NAHUV'S STKWKI)

(lOOSK.

109

Soap was a literal (not literary) man, who as he called his daughter I'ropncty, and haviiihut
one
(!ye,

was

likewise

eallcd

sonic that were classical.

Justice, that is hy " Tricty," says he, "gin

Cato

th(!

largest goose."
like

Tricty,

good
sonic

girl,

went into the other


returned
with
one,

room,

and

arter

time

well enveloped
telling

and carefully wrapped up


careful
as

in paper,

Cato to be as
it

everlasting

not

to

get

wet;

and away

went the web-footed

mortal to deliver his charge to Susanna.

" My gracious
nin't

!" said

Sue, "if that are ni-^ar

brought

me

a tough feller to stew !"


as her business

But

nevertheless,

was
it

to

stew
went,

the goose and ask no cpu^stions, at

sh(!

and pretty soon the

tailor's treasure

was simmerin"o

among
turnips,

onions,

and

carrots,
all

and cabbages,
need be.

and
After

and

spices,

as nice as

breakfast.

Aunt Nabby had gone abroad

to

ask

in the neighbours,

and when she came home, she


into

went of course

directly

the

kitchen to

see

how

the goose
it

came on.
Susanna ?" said
she.

" Is

tender,

Susanna smiled so sweetly, that the old houseclock


in

the

corner
its

next

the

cupboard stopped

and held up

band.

"Oh,

Ma'am,"

replied

110

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
it

that I guess be the more tender arter being biled."

Susanna, "it's so tender,

won't

"And
" Oh,

fat?"
bless

you

it's

so broad across the back."

so, that she was forced to look at Susanna, to correct *he agreeable impression.

My

Aunt's mouth watered

Well, noon came and the neighbours began to drop in. First came the parson, who being a man of vast punctuality, took ouL
his

watch as

soon as he came

in,

how

it

chimed,

and for the purpose of seeing as he said, with the old clock,

walked into the kitchen, bade Miss Susanna good day, hoped she continued well in body, and
snuffed

up the sweet
expanded

flavours of the preparing sacrifice with

nostrils.

Next to the Minister came the

Squire, he opened the front door,

and seeing no one

but me,

"

Pollijah,^^
?

he

said,

when

^ill

that are goose


settlin' that

be done

^cause
case,

Fm

everlastin' busy,
like to

hay-mow

and I'd

know--"
the

" Ready

now.

Squire/'

answered

Parson,
it's

opening the kitchen-door;

"and

I guess

an

uncommon
a chat."

fine

one

too,

so walk in and let's have

The Squire

entered, and he

and the Minister had

AUNT NABBY's stewed GOOSE.

Ill

n considerable spell of conversation about the hay-

mow

case.

The

case

was

this

Abijah Biggs

o-ot

leave to carry his


to the road
;

hay across

Widow

Stokes's field
off the

well, this

hay-mow had dropped


it

poles,
stray.
''

and

Widow

Stokes claimed

as a waif

and

Now,"

says the Squire, " I conceit the chief


;

pint in the case is this here


right to this hay ?

has
'ill

Widow

Stokes a
see,

Now

this

depend, ye

'pon t'other point, to wit, videlicet, does the hay belong to Bijah ? Now the Widow says,
says she,

'every
eveiy
his

man

in this country's free,

and therefore

man

in this country is a king, jist as far as

farm goes.

Now the
;

king,
so,'

all

allow, has a right

to waifs
*

and strays
is

and
'

says AVidow Stokes,

that are hay


it's

mine.'

But,' says
;
'

Bijah and by
says he,
'

jinks,

a cute argument
in this

but,'
is

tho'

every

man

land of liberty

a free man, yet


is,

that doesn't prove that every


contra,

woman
'

and per

we know that women don't


so,'

vote,

and of
Stokes

course ain't free;


ain't

says he,

the

Widow

a king;

so,'

says he,
it

'the hay ain't hern.'


?"
it

But's a puzzlin' case, ain't

" Well, now," answered the minister, "

strikes

mc

that hay ain't astray."

112
''

AMERICAN

HUxAIOUR.

Well," said the Squire, there^s a pint I never thinked of."


Just then in came the Deacon, and after
sexton,

him the

and so on

till

pretty

muoh

all

the aristocratic

de2nocracy of the village had assembled. bustled Aunt Nabby, awful

And
you
;

then

fine I tell

and

then Susanna and Cato began to bring in dinner. And while they were doing that, the comj^any all took a stiff glass of grog by way of
appetite,

and

then stroked down their faces and looked table, and there was a pig roast and stuffed,
line of veal,

at the

and a

and two old hens, and an

evcrlasiin'

all kinds of sarce, and pies, and puddins, and doughnuts, and cider, and above all, at the head of the table, the dish in which lay the hero of the day-that are goose, smothered in onions, and

sight of

utterly hid beneath the load of carrots

and cabbages.

The
and

seat next the goose


all sat

was assigned

to the Minister,

down.
flourished his fork,

M*

The Squire
the pig; the

and pounced upon Deacon he tackcled to at the veal,

v^diile the sexton went seriously to work to exhume a piece of pork from amid an avalanche of beans. The

]\Iinister,

with a spoon, gently stirred away a few


in hopes of thus

carrots

and onions,

coming

at the

goose.

AUNT NABBy's stewed GOOSE.


"
It smells

113

remarkably fine/' says he, to Aunt

Nabby.

"

It's particularly fine


it

and tender," says she

"

picked

myself from a whole heap."


the Minister poked,
till

And
"

still

at last his

spoon

grated upon a hard surface.


skewer, I guess !" and plunging his fork into the onion mass, he struggled to raise the iron handle with which he had joined
issue.

Bless
are ?"

me

!" cried

Aunt Nabby, - what's

that

should judge," said the Squire, " that are was an old goose."
I

"

" Gracious me
Still

!"

exclaimed the Deacon.


still

the Minister struggled, and

the goose

resisted.

nervous, and the more the Minister struggled, the more the goose would
i^ot

Aunt Nabby grew


saw

come.
ugly,

my

Aunt's eye dilating, her hand


just

moved

and then pounce,

when

the Minister

into the eye of the skewer as she thought, and dragging forth the tailor's goose, held it at arm's length before the company. The Squire had just rai.ed the pig upon his fork, when seeing my Aunt's
discovery, he dropped
it

thought he had conquered the enemy, my Aunt drove the round steel through the onions

and the dish was knocked

VOL.

I.

114
all

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
The sexton had drawn
his

^0 smash.

beans to

the edge of the table, another pull as he saw the


goose, and over
it

went.

My

Aunt dropped the


plate.

cause of

all this evil,

and there went another

The company dined elsewhere, and the next Sunday


the Minister declined preachin', on

account

of a

domestic misfortin.
arter,
'I

My

Aunt Nabby
her,

died soon

and the sexton buried


that

observing as he

did so,

she
of

departed, the

poor

eritter,

in

consequence
crockery

an

iron

goose,

and

broken

DECLINE OF THE CITY OF DOGTOWN.

115

IX.

DECLINE AND FALL OF THE CITY OF DOGTOWN.

DoGTowN
this

is

a beautiful place, in the interior of


is

State.

There

plenty of land around


it

it,

so

from growing in every direction, and thus becoming a great city. In fact,

that nothing can hinder

Dogtown has

already a oncstory church, part of a

school-house, and an elegant pound.


see

Nobody can
of that cele-

Dogtown without being reminded

bratcd town in France,

named

Grandville, of which

we have the following

description

Grandville, grand vilain,


Unfi eglise et un mouliu

Voila Grandville tout a pleiu.

IIG

AMERICAN HUMOUK.
translate thus
:

Which we may

Granthille, great Grandville,

Has a meeting-house and


Nothing

mill,

else in all Grandville.

-t't-;

own

is

finely

and advantageously

situated.

on Eel River, a stream of water which runs into another stream, and that into a third,
'm

It stands

which runs into Connecticut River, which running into Long Island Sound, finally reaches the Atlantic.

Who
if,

does not see, therefore, that


a great sea-port ?
territory in the

Dogtown may

be-

come

The
is

neighbourhood of Dogtown

bating that part of it covered with rocks, the salt meadow, the pine woods, the clay-ponds, and the swamps.

remarkable for
is

its fertility,

which

It is

past a doubt, therefore, that the territory, if well


cleared, drained, peopled,

and

cultivated,

would berichest

come a

perfect garden,

abounding with the

productions

of nature,

wealth to the country.

and affording a mine of As to the facilities of coincom-

muuieatioii with the great Atlantic cities and

mercial marts, they are admirable.

Dogtown has Boston on one


on the other.
north, while in
]\Iontrcal

side,

and

New York
in

and Quebec are


is

the

the east

the rich

and thrivin-

DECLINE OF THE CITY OP DOGTOWN.


State of JMiiinc, with
boot.

117
to

Bangor and Owl's Head

Rail-roads can
all

be made to connect Dog-

town with

these places, and they will certainly


ivhtfi

form such a connection,

they are

built.

That
this
is

the place will be a great focus of trade,

when

done, nobody, I think, will deny.

has all the advantages that can be desired in a young country. There will be as many large towns within thirty
miles of the place, as peojde choose to build.

The neighbourhood of Dogtown

The

population cannot

fail

to increase rapidly

for a

man

can get married for seventy-five cents, town clerk's


fees

included.

The

attraction

for

settlers

must,

therefore, be considered very great.

The Dogtowners

are remarkably industrious, for

they get a living, although constantly grumbling of hard times. They are moreover ingenious, for they manufacture axe-handles, wooden
bowls,
birch

brooms, and white oak cheese, and invent mousetraps

and washing machines.

Last of

all,

the in-

habitants of

Dogtown

are literary am' intellectual;

march of improve' ment, and the minister and the lawyer take the "Penny Magazine" between them.
All these attractions together, form a combination truly wonderful but the reader will be astonished ;

for they talk a great deal of the

118

AMKllICAN HUMOUR.
I

when

inform him, that the inhabitants of this


sj)()t

favoured

IivclI

a great

many

years without the

smalk;st susi)icion of what I have been describing.

They

thonglit very
lived in,

little

of themselves, or of the
to vegetate

town they

and continued

from

year to year without imagining they were better off

than other

folks.

In

fact,

the world might have con-

tinued to this day in utter ignorance that

Dogtown

was such a wonderful


accident I call
for so
fact

place, but for

an accident an

it for

the Dogtowners having lived

many

years without opening their eyes, the

that they did open

them

of a sudden, on a

certain day, in the year of grace 1834,

must bo conare inclined

sidered purely accidental.


to ascribe
it

Some people

to the

approach of the comet, which

had

a powerful influence in

opening people's eyes,


in driving

to say nothing of its effect

them stark

mad.

But

that

is

neither here nor there.


their eyes,

The

people of
that

Dogtown opened

and saw;

was enough:

they saw in an instant their


that they

immense advantages, and were astonished


never had seen them before.
tages,
I say,

They saw

their advan-

and were determined

to turn

them

to

account.
all alive: everybody was confident that Dogtown must ))ccome a great

Straightway Dogtown was

'

Tt

DECLINE or THE CITY OF DOGTOWN.


l)lacc;

119
>s(),

and

us cvcryljoUy

told

everybody

else

there was no doubt about the matter.

Every man
it ;

went

to

buying land who could pay


pay, bought

for

and those
sure of

who could not


selling
it
at,

uj)on credit,

ten times the cost within the year.

Nothing was talked of but the immense advantages


of the place.

The

riches of

Dogtowu were indeed

immense
so long,

and how they could have been overlooked

was a mystery that no one could understand.


the limits of the town was

The land within


at seven

computed
feet,
is

hundred and twenty million square

which, at only one cent per square foot, which cheap enough in all conscience, would amount
seven million two hundred thousand dollars.
a

to

AVhat
land

sum

But

this w^as not all.


trees,

Half of
rate of

this

was covered with

at the

one tree to

every five feet square, or quadrangle of twenty-five


feet
:

this

gave a computation of ten million four


tree,

hundred thousand trees; and as each

on an

average, contained seventy-five cubic feet of timber,


it

followed that there was actually within the town

seven hundred and eighty million feet of timljcr,


worth, on the lowest calculation, five cents per foot,

which would amount to thirty-nine million


This,

dollars.

added

to

the

value of the land, as above,

120

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
a grand total oiforty-six millions two
I

made

hundred

thousand dollars

mention of tlicse sums almost drove tlic good people of Dogtovvn distracted with joy they could hardly believe their eyes or ears, but there it was in black and white; figures could not lie. They were
;

The

amazed
their

to think of their

own

stupidity and that of


millions

ancestors

in

letting

forty-six

two

and unprobut they were determined not to allow their wealth to be neglected any longer. A grand scheme of speculation and imj)rovement was started,
ductive;

hundred thousand

dollars lie totally idle

and

all

rushed headlong into


rich,
or,

it.

Every man

in

Dogtown was now

what was the same

thing, was sure of being so before long.


tracts were laid out in building lots,

Immense

and speculators

from Catsville and Weazletown and Buzzardsborough, and Ganderfield

flocked in from

all

quarters;

and Crow Corner and Upper Bugbury and East Punkinton, and Black Swamp and the Bottomless
Bogs.
of
it
!

Such a busy t'me

as the Dogtowners had Nothing was talked of but buying land,

building houses, laying out roads, streets, squares, avenues, railroads, canals, &c. &c. &c. People left
off

ploughing and hoeing, because agriculture was

DECLINE OF THE CITY OP DOOTOWN.


too

121

slow a

method of

niakinj?

money;
to
sell,

for

who

would think of raising turnips


cents a bushel,

at

twenty

when he could make


?

a hundred

times the profit by speculating in land


First of
all,
it

was determined that Dogtown

should

be

city.

The want

of population wa.^

found to be a serious obstacle here; the constitution of the state requires ten or twelve thousand

inhabitants for a city

and

as

Dogtown, including
Skunk's Misery,

the

suburbs of PnppyviUe and

contained a
thirty.one,
it

population of only six hundred and

was thougnt there might be some


without anticipating

difficulty in getting a charter

the returns of the next census.


it

However, a

city

must

be,

some time or
it

other, in this all were

agreed, and
as last,

might

as well

have the name


it

first

so they concluded to call

a city.

It

is

astonishing what a spirit of enterprise these prospects infused into the people of

Dogtown.

The

school-house door was

painted

green: uncle Joe

Stubbins mended the top of his chimney; and it was voted in town-meeting to purchase three wheelbarrows for the public use; and all
in

conse-

quence of these projected improvements.


widely
did
their

Nay, so

views of business

expand, that

Aminidab Figgins, the

grocer, determined to give

122

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
and declared
l,c

up

rctailin-

wouldn't

.si)lit

crackers

nor cut candles any

lon^-er.

Such was the thriving condition of the City of

Bogtown when
that year.
I

I left the place in the


it

autumn

of

continued to hear of

through the

Daily Advertise.', a^ncwspaper established there by an cnterj)rising printer from Connecticut at the first

medium

of the

Dogtown

dawning of the comIt

mercial prosperity of the city.

appeared to go

ahead rapidly.
change,
the

The

neM'si)aper spoke of the

Ex-

Town

Hall,

the -Bank,

t)^e

New

iKfl

:i

Post Office, the Railroad, Canal, &c. House lots were advertised in Washington Square, Merchants

Row. State

Street,

Market

Street,

&c.

Contracts

were proposed for building churches, manufactories, &c. This was Dogtown in all its
glory.

Last

August I determined
place, in

to
to

make
feast

a visit

to

this celebrated

order

my

eyes

with the splendour of a city that had sprung up


as
it

were by enchantment.

\Yhcn

I reached the

foot of Blueberry Hill,


place, I

which overlooks the whole


to
all

walked eagerly to the top, in order catch a view, at a single glance, of the city in
its

magnificence.

To

my

utter astonishment, inI

stead of .pircs

and domes,
old

saw nothing but


with
five

Deacon

Stumpy's

mansion,

other

DECLINE OF THE CITY OP DOGTOWN.


ragged
a.ul

123

dingy-lookiiig

edifices,

which stood
I entered

exactly wlierc I liad always

known them.

the city through State Street, but di8Covercd nothing

new

except

small

house

without
in

chinniey.

Not a

living thing

was to be seen

Washington

Square, but three geese,


a mouthful

of grass

who were lazily picking among the mud-puddles. I


found
it

inquired for the Exchange, and

in

use

by the Deacon as a cow-pen.


however,
I

The new church,


as

was told

had actually proceeded


;

far as the raising of the timbers

it was subsequently sold by auction to pay for digging the

but

cellar.

had a cheque upon the Dogtown Bank

for

three dollars, and wishing to draw the money, I


directed to No. 19, Tremont Street. This turned out to be the identical building formerly occupied by old Kit Cobble, the shoemaker.
It

was

was bank hours, but the bank was shut, and there was not a soul to be seen. Just as I was going
away, I spied a tin horn by the door, with a paper

hanging over

it,

on which was written,

''

Persons

having business

at the

bank, arc requested to

low

the horn." I put the horn to

my lips and blew a blast


slowly

both long and loud. After waiting about ten minutes,


I spied

Isaac

Thumper coming

down

the

124
road
:

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
he proved to be
after

cashier

of the

Dogtown

Bank, and

some

difficulty I

convinced him

of the safety of cashing the cheque.

Upon
made
sand

inquiring

of

Isaac

what use had been

of the forty-six millions two


dollars,

hundred thoumost of
it

he

informed

me

that

remained invested in notes of hand. scarce, and was expected to continue


onion crop had been got
in.

Money was
so until the

was easy to see that the city had sadly declined from its meridian splendour. I fact, Dogtown has suffered a complete downfall, for hardly anybody now speaks of it as a city. They have as much land as ever, and so long as It continued to be valued at their own price they were as rich as Jews; but, unfortunately, it fell in value the moment they expected the purchasers to pay for it. The Dogtowners are poor enough at present, but they are not the first and
It

not be the last people who have ruined themselves by bunding a city on speculation.
will

probably

THE COON-HUNT.

125

X.
THJi

COON-HUNT; OR, A FENCY COUNTKY.

^Tis really astonishin' what a monstrous sight of

mischief there

is in

a pint of

rum

If one of

'em

was
call

to be
it,

of devilment that ever entered the hed of man, from

submitted to an analization, as the doctors it would be found to contain all manner

and stealing up to murder and whippin' his own mother, and nonsense enuff to turn all the men
cussin'
in the world out of their senses.

If a man's got any

badness in him,

ifll

bring

it

out, jest as sassafras-

tea does the measles,


sort Oi a feller,
it'll

and

if

he's a good-for-nothin'
traits in pertikeler, It affects different

without no bad
his greenness.

brmg

out

all

people in different

ways it makes some men mon-

126
strous brave

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
and
it

full

of fight, and some


rieh
it

cowards; some

makes

it makes and happy, and some

poor and miserable, and


different people's

has a different effect on


it

eyes-some
so

makes

sec

double
tell

and some

it

makes

blind that they can't

themselves from a side of bacon. One of the worst cases of rum.foolery that Pve heard of for a long
tnne, tuk place in Pineville last
Bill
8-i'eatest
fall.
is

Sweeney and
old

Tom
in

Culpepper

the

two

coveys
fact

huntnr'.

The

is,

thmg

our settlement for 'coonthey don't do much of any.

else,

may depend

and when they can^t ketch nothin' you


'coons
is scarce.

had everything reddy for a regular hunt, but owin' to some extra good fortin', Tom had got a pocketpistol,

Well, one night they

as he called

it,

of rcglar old Jimmakey, to

yeW

After takin' a good startin' horn, they went out on their hunt, with their litewood torch a-blazin', and the dogs a-barkin' and
like forty thousand.

keep off the rumatics.

Ev'ry

now and then

Btoppn.' to wait for the dogs, they another's helth, till


fortable,

would drink one

feel very comand chatted away 'bout one thing and

they begun to

another, wxthout mindin'

much which way


to a fence.

they was

gwinc.

Bime-by they cum

they got, 'thout

Well, over

much

difficulty.

THE COON-HUXT.
''

127

Who's

fence

is this

V
ses

ses Bill.

" 'Taint no matter,"


to drink."

Tom, "

let's

take suthin'

After takin' a drink they went on, wonderin' what on yearth had cum of the dogs. Next thing they

cum

to

was a

terrible

muddy

branch.

After pullin^

through the briers and gettin' on tother side, they tuck another drink, and after gwine a little ways they cum to another branch, and
a
little

further

they

cum

to another

fence a monstrous high one

this time.

" Whar upon yearth

is

we got

to,

Culpepper ?"

ses Bill, <'l never seed sich a

heap of branches and

fences in these parts."

"Why,"

ses

Tom,

'^it's all

old Sturlin's fences

doins

you know he's always

bildin'

and making

infernal improvements, as he calls 'em.

But never

mind, we's through them now."

"Guess we
tall

is," ses Bill;

"here's the all-firedest

fence yet."

Shure cnufF, thar they was right' agin another


fence.
tired
rible

By

this time, they

begun
and

to
it

be considerable

and limber
high fence

in the gluts,

was sich a

ter-

! Tom

drapped the

last piece

of

the torch, and thar they was in the dark.

128
((

AMERICAN

UUiMOUll.

Now

you

is

done

it,"

scs Bill.
it

Tolu know'd he had, but he thought use to grieve over spilled

was no

mind, old h OSS, cum

milk, so ses he, " Never a-head, and I'll take

yon

out,'

and the next


water.
i3ill

niinit

kerslash

he

went into

the

hung on
It

to the fence with both hands, like


off

he

thought

was slewin' round to throw him

"Ileilovv,

Tom!"

ses he, "

whar in the world

is

you got

to ?"
I

"Here

is,"

ses

Tom,

spoutin' the water out of

1" iiiouth,
tiling.
''

and

coffin'

like

he'd swallowed some-

Look
o'

"Name
this
isn't

out, thar's another branch here." sense, whar is we?" ses Eill. "If

a fency

country,

dad

fetch

my

but-

tons."

" Yes, and a branchy one, too !" ses Tom ; " and the highest, and deepest, and thickest tha/l ever
seed in

my

born days."
is

" ^Vhich way " Here,


rite

you ?"

ses Bill.

over the branch."


in Bill went,

The next minit


the branch.

up

to his

middle in

" Cum "Cum

a-hcad," ses Tom, -

let's

go home."
this,

thunder!

in

such a place as

whar

Bill

THE COON-IIUNT.
a

129
tail

man

Imin't n.orc'n

got Ins cote

unhitched

a fc.icc, fore hc' over his head and ears in the '^ water.
f'ron,

After gettin' out and


a
litth,.,

feelin'

about in the dark

drink,
ancl

After takin' another tlieysotout for home, denouncin' the fences

they got together agin.

the branches, and h(apin^ one another up now but they liadn^t got rnorc'n twenty yards fore they brung up all standin' iu the nnddle of another branch. After gettin' thro' the

ami then

branch and

gwnie

abo,it ten steps,

they was brung to a halt by

another fence.

"Dad
think we

blame
is

my

jjictur,"

scs Bill,

"if

don't

bewitched.

Who

bild fences all over creation this


It

upon yearth would way ?"

was but a ower's job to get over this one; but after they got on the top, they found the ground on tother side 'thout much
trouble.

This time the

was broke, and they come monstrous near having a fight about the catastrophy. Eut it was a very good thing, it was ; for, after crossin' two
or
three
fences,

bottle

more branches, and


it

cliinbin'

as

many more

that they

got to be daylight, and they found out had been dimbln' the same

fence

all

night, not more'n a


first

hundred yards from whar they

cum
I.

to

it.

VOL.

130
JJill

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
Sweeney
scs

he can't aeeoinit for


.sort o'

il;

no

ofiier

way but
and
lie

that the hcker

turned their heads;

if it hadn't f^inout,' they'd been clinibin' the same fence, and wadin' the same branch, till yet. JJill p.on.ised

says he does really hehevc,

his wife to jine

the Temperance Society,

if

she won't never say no

more 'bout that coon-hunt.

A HI 1)15 WJTU OLD KIT KUNCFCEll.


tilcr

13J

nds
out,
'

the
jino

1^

no

XL
A
IIIDK

WITH OLD KIT KUNCKER.

old friend, Kit Kunckcr, as ho put us to bed on the .light of a !.ig frohc at his house, exacted a promise that vve would visit him again, shortly thereafter; promising us, on his part, that he would ride all over the settlement

Our

with us;

and

more

especially, that

he would go with us
sister,

to the

house of Jim Kent, whose

Beck, was so ugly

"that the flies wouldn't light on her face," and about whose going to mill, he assured me, there was
a very pleasant story to be told.

His head has become white, his figure more bent, and his
!

But the other day we saw and how altered by the lapse of a few years
!

Poor old Kit

him

K 2

132
Jiiiiirl gliin-

AMIOllICAN IIVMOVU,
old

lace merry

still

! was

f'lUTOwed

with

an iMmd.rd additional wrinkles. dull-l.ud


lost

Hi.s eye, too, wa.s

the twinkle that used so 'n.ischievously to light up his countenance. And then,
'<>'>.

1"-

walked with a
Fiddler
IJill,"

staff;

and when he
- II.jp
,e.

w.-nt to

mount "
instead

h,

said,

Squireof yore!

of vaulting iuto

the saddle,
bless

as

" Thank you, Squire.

God

your Uuiou heart


!

old Hickory and


dd now,
to

the Union for ever

I'm

gittiu'

Squire,

and

can't

g-it

about, like I used


l}ill is

"the

old

man sighed"

Fiddler

old, too

notice how gray

his face is-we're

all

gittin' old

yvv Aunt
bless yer soul,

Hetty as well's the rest; and,


Squire,^ (here the old
''

God man warmed

into aninuition),

she^s

vgher than evermjlkr


ya
!

than the devil-hc


coming,
jist to

he

ya

It's wutJi
!

while

take a look at her

AYith that old

long bonnet on

"here
in a
!

his horse's neck,

he
ya

hea

ya

ya

down on paroxysm of laughter" he and her mouth skrootchcd up,


!

the old fellow bent

ya

the go-to-meetin' way;

I'll

be cust, ef she

ain't so

bad

to look at, it's enuff to foteh sickness


!

in

the family
his

But," he added, wij)iug the tears

from

eyes, " Squire, I'm old now, yer Aunt


is

Hetty's old, and Fiddler Bill


old
!

old all

old! old

Ah,

me

!"

iia-i

fjS"

WIDE WFTII OLD KIT KUNCKKR.


ni-c (li-i-("s.sing.
J

133

1?ut Avr

It

was of our Ride with


to writ(! and not

old Kit,

i.i

HIT), that

we began

of his chattering in 1819.

We
})

went
at

to

old

Kit's

house on the day ap-

pointed,

a very early hour, ami found the old

fellow waiting for us, with


at the gate.

'^Tiddler

IJill"

hitched

" You
said,
It's

can't

see ycr
laid

Aunt Hetty,

'Scpiire,"

he

"

for

she's

up with a pain

in

her jaw.

swelled mighty bad, cnny how, and makes her

look so
see her

much

better, 'twouldn't be

no curiosity to
ride.

nc^w-so we may
slug's
I'll

as

well

Another
ugly' out

time when

at

her.self~and
to

her
!

'

infu/l bloom,

show her

you he
some.

he

yah

That bonnet

o'

hern, too,

hit's

Tain't like

nothin' ever growed, except the baskets the Injin wimmin nuikes to tote their young ones
in

And

the old rascal laughed at his wife and her bonnet, until the woods rang again.

Walking
leading

our horses

leisurely

along the road

down
his

the creek to the river.

Uncle Kit,
neck with
to tell us

tapping

steed

lightly

across

the

his switch, began, as he

had promised,

how he

obtained him.

" You see. Squire, me and my Jim was a haulin' a load of whiskey up from Wetumpky, in the

134
spriiiir (.r
'.'U;,

AMRRICW
and
vvc
l.iul

irUMOl

(C.

a iiiiylitv dull old Iioi sv


('
1

Uiulor

(lie

siiddlo.

The

iikc

mil

never was on
Iiard,

the yclli ior Inird trolfin'.

||(

was powcrfiil

You've

set jiiid watclicd a

saw-mill ^ate jerk


atui

Uji

and

low n, liavn't
it

yon up

and down, np
AVell, thut.
'

down, like
motion adto

wa s

l:(

'in'

into fits ?

was

l,h

zactiij.

Ses.Fiui,one day,

Daddy I'm - WMu;


irit.

swop

old IIossN)fr, fust chancel


fool cnouirh
(o ;ive

{^(sl,

'Nobody's

you anythin- better'n an old


i<",

cow

for liiin.'

Scs

Ion- afore we

ketelit

You'll sec/ ^XA\ 'twan/t up with a tmvellcrit was 111


'

the pincy woods

Oakfusl kee and Dudlcyvillt -walkin' aiul leadin' his hors,, whieh was 1 Kkller ddl
'twi.xt
I'll
t(

Bill.
voic(>

you,

Squire," old Kit

raised
/r/.v

hi.s

and

<j

I'sticulated

velKMnently-~"//t'
little

Iwne

t/wn-mm
a
I)

o'

your

j;rays-as Ilon.cr
with head and e"s
1

Hinds ses but u


lil. ive

re-'lar horse,
1

a d cvv

lodv

ike a barre
jist

and

))ut uj) like


fat.

jack-screw.

II e

w OS

risiu'

four year old,


Sl,el>,j

and

hilt

/lis

hmd

like the
the;

Queen of
st

So

.lini

bantered

anger pm-ty quick for

swap but
raised

fust w(! found out he

was walkin' bekasc

he was afeard of his ho rse.

He was

Noi-rud

man and

talked mighty ],ropcr he said his

very rested' whieh you might see he had been layin' by corn and fodder for some
time-

ho'I'se was

A
aiul hiul
u'liiost
!

UIDE WITH
liirii

)J,|)

:,r KUNCKKll.

13:

throwiMl

and

(liscnlpufod his should


I riju
-tl

Then hv

iixcd

us about the
I

was

jist

afoir the iufcnial devils

H'L'uu

their

d(!vil.

UH-nt, aiul the Ihiti^- had


.f.

h-akcd out arul was talked

o\c r

tlie

country
too,
h-t

and
woods
'wluit

Jim

secin'

1 i(!

was

qf'atrvd

of thnn

on hk(!

tl i(!y

was

niif^lity

thick and hostile in


Sti'ai if^rr

tl \v,\n

<iiys

he,

woidd you do ef
(Voin

you was
that
lorsc
(( c

to

see

red-skin

j.eepin'

behind
</

hi-

piiu;

yonder and you

aleari'd

your

n God
Well

only knows/
)i()w
I'll

s(;s

the Yanky.
Jitn,
'

<i <

t(!ll

you,' ses

t/urr's

v.

erittur

unde
ec-dd

that
tak(;

saddle' p'intin'

Mhat
grease!
((

to 'old

Iloss'

you outen the way

like goose-

Ilow'll

you trade?'
on
lik(!

The Yanky

let

he tho't his hoi se was


to deth.

the most vallyble, but

Jim out-talked him


I

He

i)raised old one,

'twell

had to

ffo b(;liind

the

waiT in

and lau-h.

]Jime-by ses he,


sti

'aiji't

that a

hijim holh'T?' and with that the


white, and uxcd
<(
f

iniger

looked

Jim how
give

//c'</

trade?
ses

You must
But

me

ten dollars to boot.

Jim.
(C <

my

horse

is

the most vallyble/ ses the

Yanky.

130
II

AMKnrCAN
<

irUMOUIl.

ain't

Imlf-ln-ok,.;

si-s

Ji,,
\

',!

IM

i^,.

most
<(

iifourd to rid,, l,ii


.1

..]^.^'^

With that

gits
th(>

on the
heel

roiin,
thiit

und fetched

liini in

the flunk Mith


th(^

"as on t'other
1

side

from

stranger, and the horse

\)cu\

n literally

jdayful,

you

see,

went

to kielkill'

up and

rearin'

and

squealin';

Jim hold m' on


'wo! no!'
!

to the

nnine,

and the

Ynnky
tlie

holl ^''"

Presently .Jim

come

to

ground, ca-whop

And

with

tl

at he riz
side,

from

tllie ir """d,

complainin' mightly 'bout his

and

wouldn't have the horse on no terms that ef the Injuns was to " "" -""* come uii on us oi of
lie
-I

'lowed

sudd sudden

we shouldn't have but one horse


Hid
tllion

that could be rid

he axed

me

ef

had

nny opydildock
!

in

the wagin box, that he could rub his side with he he Jim h a rascal, that's a fac, b,it I can't tell whar he got it fron b onless it's a jiidgc/wew/ on his
!

nianimy
(<

for bcin' so nis sed

ugly

yah

yah

Seein' the stranger was aggravated 'bout th( tnjuns, I draps in then, myself, and tells him I'
?ive

him

'

w(>

made

even drag, for the roan and the trade mighty quick, for he had th
:
!

old

Coon

I"j uu a gcr 'twell his eyes was b ig as sassers

Well
I

wc changed
gcarin'

saddles

and

bridles,

and while

was

up Fiddler

Bill,
it

he couldn't~but. Squire,

what do you reckon

was he couldn't do ?"

A lUDi: wFTir

(r,i)

kit kunckkr.

137

"Cuu't guess,"

w(! replied.

" Well, bust me wide open, ef ho. knowcd how put the bridle on hh horse ! Vwv seen

to

men

that
it

was ig'nunt befoir, hut


I

lie

was

tiu;

wust

off with
tin;

ever seed.

He

di.hi't

know whether

bits

uei.t

behind the years, or into the


!

mouth blamed
off

cf he did

" Finally,

at last, ho got

mounted, and jogged

you

rcMUMuber what
that's
tlu;

I told

you ^bout the saw-mill


rattled
his

gate well
buttons.
u-settin'

way old Cuss

He was

the most lonesome-inoktn' critter,


his

on that old horse, with


!

new

saddle;

and

bridle, that ever I seed

As soon

as he got cleverly
Injui-

out

o' sight,

Jim gin two or three


in Dudleyville,

whoops,

and people did say


that

whar he stopped

night, that he got thar in


!

mighty reasonable

good tune

So

that^s the way, Squire, I


'tin't it,

come by

^''^*1'^'' J^'ll

Bill

whereupon Fiddler

J)rieked uj) his ears, but said nothing.

About

this time, wc;

arrived at a mean-looking

shanty, and calling, were answered by a

man who

came out

to us.

It

was Jim Blake.

" Here's the semis-tixkcr;' said Tlnclc Kit.

"Hang
PIv.

the

sensis-VAcr/'

was

vbr

blunt

re-

AMERrCAN HUMOUR.
<c

Don't say

that,

Jini/'

returned

Uncle Kit;

he's a good little

Union Squire Mr. Van Bnren's


and chickens,

sent

round

to take 'eount of the eloth

jist to see ef

the wimmin's sprightly."

"I

don't care a dried apple for


said

Buren nother,"
IS gittin'
IS,

him nor Mr. Van Mr. Blake; "Mr. Van Burcn too cussed smart, enny way-my opinion
son
!"

he's a measly hog P'

" Son
'^

exclaimed old Kit. deprecatindy

Van Buren's the President, and old Hickory says hc'^l do !" " I don't care who says
he'll

don't

Ini'.

hat way.

Unmn
to

do-I'm guine

vote for

Harrison see

ef I don't !"
after obtaining

Uncle Kit was struck dumb, and


a
list

of the family with

much

difficulty,

we rode

away.

"Squire," said the old man, after a long "that fellow's talk goes to

silence,

and

he'd..

,assecl

more, old Hickory! and ef he had, I'd


little

my

heart.

a tore his liver out !"

Old Kit was highly excited-he continued:

"To
and

that I've told

think that a boy I've raised in a manner, all about old Hickory, and the

New

Union,' Orleens, and the Horse-Shoe, should 'a


!

turned round and come to be a Nullifier

Ain't

A RIDE WITH OLD KIT KUXCKER.


thar no way," he asked, as
to git that poor fool
if

139
fix

musing,

''

we could

boy

straight a"-in ?"

We

soon

got

into the

thickest

of the

Union

Creek settlement, and from house

to house,

through

the Smiths, the Hearns, the Folsoms, the Narons, the Dabbses and the Rollinses, Uncle Kit carried us with a speed th was most gratifying.

He

joked

the old
children

women, kissed the


;

girls

and fondled the


was

and where the

slightest indisposition

old Hickory/^
"
a man's friends
pcoj.le that I

manifested to give the desired information, he settled the difficulty at once, by the magic words, '' Union

It's a blessed thing, Squire,''


all

he

said,

"to have

of the right sort.

Here's

my

brought from Georgy-confound that


give

boy Blake,

I'll

him
I'll

a reg'lar talk next

Sunday;

and
all

ef that don't do

make

his wife quit

him

my

people, as I was sayin', love the

Union and

vote like one

man

I tell

you,

it's

old

Union Crick

that keeps the Nullifiers

down

in Tallapoosy !"

As
tions

old Kit was indulging in these pleasant reflec

and remarks, we reached the ford of the

creek, where

we were

to cross to get into the river

settlement.

" Right here," said the old man,

as

we reached

140

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Ivetched

the middle of the stream, was where Becky Kent it hut she lives right up thar, ; a piece,

and
it.

ni

oee ef I can't devil her into tellin'

you 'bout

She's as old

and

as

ugly-mighty nigh-as

yer

Aunt Hetty

but she has a mighty notion of


it'll

courtin^ and ef you'll sidle up to her,

please

her so well, her tongue will git to goin^ and she couldn^t hold that story back ef she

wanted

to."

very few minutes brought us to the residence

of Mr. James

Kent, the brother of the spinster


for

Becky.

Unfortunately-or perhaps fortunately

our hear;, -the presiding goddess was not at home; and having made the proper entries on our books, from information furnished by Mr. Kent, we again'

mounted and pursued our way. " Did you see,^' asked Uncle
snuff-bottle

Kit,

<'

that

old

and then nasty breshcs,


?

stickin' in the

cracks of the logs


sich,
tell

Well,

it's

on the ^count of
Pll

that

Becky got
it

iu the crick, that time.

you 'bout

myself,

'long as

we

didn't see

her.
I

''
1

See, I

had

allers 'cuscd

Becky of
to
it.

snuff, but the

lyin' heifer

never would

own

So one day, as

crick, I

was ridin' ^ong the road, t'other side of the hearn a noise betwixt the bray
of the jack

A RIDE WITH OLD KIT KUNCKEK.


and the squeal of the pea-fowl, and knowed it was somebody in
on.

]41

in a niinit I

distress-so I

humcd
it

^Yhcn

I got to the crick,


settin'

what should
on a bag
o'

be

but scrawny Becky Kent,

corn

stdl ni the

on her old blind horse, and him a standin' stockmiddle of the ford."

Becky/
thar
?

ses I, < what in natur are you doin' AYhy don't you come along out ?'
'

" Ses she,


fixed
''
^

/ ca^^V-don't you

see

how' I'm

?*

Then

twas.

I looked more pertickler, and seed how The horse had stopped to drink, and Becky

had

let

go the

bridle,

aud when she

tried to git it

agni,

the

bag slipped furder over

to the side she

^^'n^7 a settin'
l^t
all

on-so when

I got thar, she


settin'

had

go hut the bag, and she was a

on one

eend

o' that,

V^Wnx

forward, and with her hands

behnid her, one

to each side o' the bag, a pullin^

'Twas a reg'lar dead strain~t\x^ ,,eight of Beck and the Uttle eend of the bag, agin the hiy e.nd-and, I tell you, she

agni the weight of the big eend, 'twell her face was as red as a gobbler's snout.

had

to

lean well forward to keep from goin^ over

backwards

" I bulged

i;ito

the crick and got purty close to

142

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
;

Becky
i B
f
;.

but

it

was

so funny,

couldn't fetch myself

to help her, but tho't I'd devil


set.

bur

ii

little,

as she

So

ses

I,

making My My
Kf
I

a fine

bow

"

'

honey,

my

love,

tuikle-dovc,
(like it amiss,
?'

Will you

give you a kiss

" But

hadn't no idee of kissin' of


little.

her but
seen
;

only wanted to devil her a

At

last, I

an old mustard-bottle, stickin' from out her bosom

and

ses I,

Miss Becky,
?'

will

you give your Uncle

Ses she, ' help me for the Lord's sake-I'm mighty nigh gin out'- and 'Squire, she ivas on a tremcnjns strain But
!

Kit a pinch of snniY

tho't I'd

plague her some: and after cutting of some few


shines, I

made

a motion to snatch at the bottle


little

o'

snufF

She gin a

jerk back
hilt

! the

big eend

got

a start! -still

she

her grip

with

both

hands

! and

the next thing,

sometkm

riz in Ike
!

air, like a

small cloud of calico and dry corn-stalks

and the durndest ca-slosk on t'other


horse, that ever
sloshin
.'"

side o' the


!

you heerd

A waugh

What

"'Ilorraw, Becky!

rise gall! I

was lookin' t'other

A RIDE WITH OLD KIT KUNCKEIl.


wny!^ scsT, /or T knowed she ivas' shamed! lau-li(Ml, liovvcvor, and she mighty myh cu.sswl
'' '

143
I

Oh

you're

swcot

little

mare-maid now,'

ses I.

"

'

You're a drotted old

"
'

hoj^,' ses she.

^^y

^"^"'"y^

'"y Jove,

n.y
Kit,^

turlde-dove
se.s

don't
it

g.t

mad

with

yer

Unele

I; but

all

wouldn^t do, and the heifFer never got , a good luunour with nie ^twell I met her i.i the road one Sunday, and persuaded her I was gom' to send Jim
to see her."

Did you send him "Yes, and the fust thing the was ke\l a gia Ms years
''
:

fool said to

her

to \t seen

her somerset
!

that time, in the criek

he

he

yah

yah

That

bust(.d things to pieees again,

and

me and Becky

am^t more'n half friendly now

\"

After going through the entire settlement, with great ease and

celerity-thanks
the

to

Uncle

Kit's

assistance-we
Kuncker's.
It

took

back-track

to

Mr
porch

was quite dark when we As Uncle Kit threw down our saddles
said he
:

arrived.'

in his

Come
Hello
!

in,

and

we'll take a sip of

brancfi

water.
ler

old

woman-is

yer face swelled enny


httle blessed

better

yet?~IIere's the Squire-the

114

AMERICAN IIUMOrU.
to

Union Squire come


git out'n

sec

you

Ef you
of

can't

bed

to

conic ycrsclf; nial<o one

the

gals fetch yer old

humet owi-that'W
hou>se !"

he some amusc-

ment
old
I

Walk

in,

Squire, and take a seat in

yer

Union Uncle's

SETH WiLLIiT.

145

XII.

1
1

SETH willet: the elk county witness.


after the dose of a lon^ tn-esorue session of the Pensylvania Legislature, the

In the spring of 1815,

he wanted

was invited by Coh^nel then Clerk of the Ilonse of Representatives, to aceon.pany hini to bis hon.e in the baekwoods of Elk-a new county that had been partitioned off from Jefferson, Ch^ar' fiehJ, and McRean, that session. The ol,jcct of the visit was twofold; first, to enjoy the fine trout fishn^g of that prolific region; and secondly, to assist the Colonel in getting the scat of justice where
it.

wr.ter

A,

a n.ill and store at Caledonia on one edge of the eonnty, and a very fine mill at

The Colonel owned

VOL.

I.
I.

IJf)

AMKUICAN

IIUJIOUIl.

Ititlgcvvay,
it,

but was not inclined to pay anytln'ng for

as

Mr. John Hidgcvvay, a millionaire of Thila-

dclphia,

owned

nearly

all

the land about


its

it,

and the

county seat would greatly increase


friend's plan

value.

My

was

to

put in strong for Caledonia

and he did.

He

offered to build the court-house

and
n
i

gaol,

and gave bonds

therefore, if Caledonia

should be chosen.

Kidgeway became frightened, and made a


proposition,
accej)ted
for his

similar

town;

which was of course


all

by the commissioners, who were

per-

sonal friends of the Colonel,


It

was long before the ruse was discovered, and


sold.

Ridgeway found he was

One

day, the Colonel and myself rode over to

Caledonia, to see
eat

how

things flourished there, and


pies,

some of Aunt Sally AVarner's punjpkin


;

and

venison steaks

and on arriving

at the store,
suit

found

a justice's court in full blast. a

The

grew out of
tell

lumber speculatjon

and

as near as I could

by

the testimony of the witnesses generally, the matter

stood about six for one, a half-dozen for the other.

One

of

tlic

parties

was a

man

of considerable ready

cash, while the other was not worth a continental

dime.

Harris, the

man

of means, had not been


little

long in these parts, and

was known of him

SKTII

WILLET.

147
one
it

except

what

l.ad

dropped from Seth Willet

night at WufMcr's store.

Ho was

rather in for

at

the tune; but enough was said to n.ake tlie <^,od "^ people of Elk for.u a bad opinion (,f Hun-is As the time of the trial drew nigh, some who u-ere the store when Seth "

was

Hams, began

blowing- about
said, r.nd

to

try to recollect

what he

the other party i the case was informed that he had a first-rate witness in the green lumberman, as Seth was generally called.

Seth was forthwith waited upon, and


a

young man nan.ed Wnislow, w ho acted

pumped by
as attorney

for the prosecutor.

sed of Harris was

All the information he possesfreely and unsuspectingly

given

and ^Vmslow noted


could.

it

down

as

correctly

as

he

The day previous

to the trial, the prosecutor

and

Harris nu-t at the store.

"
s

^Vell,

youVc

goin'

on

with

pose

r asked
be

the

hiw-suit

Harris.
I

"Tu
cotton."

sure

an,;

and

I'll

make you

smell
'll
If.

JVBah!"
bottom,"

said

Harris;

-you

can't

touch

"Tech bottom?

Ca-anthey?

Jest

you wait

L 2

148
till

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
I git

Scth Willc't on the stand, an' swore on

the Bible,
heer'd

and

see

if

ca ant.
slicop

P'raps
over

ha'nt

nothin' about

thcni

to

Tiog
tu

county, and the robbin' of .Tcnkinse's store,

down

Painted Post, hey ?"

" What arc you talking about ?" asked Harris,


apparently perfectly in a fog as to the purport of
the language he had heard.

" I know, an'


" but
let's licker,

that's

'nufi' ;"

said the

plaintiff,

anyheow."

Harris lost no time in finding out Seth.

" Did you ever

live in

Tioga county ?"

" Anything abeout sheep " No, no,


"
I

?"
Post."

mean Painted

Oh

Jcnkinsc's store !" said Scth, with great

gravity.

" Two hundred would'nt be a bad


here in Elk ?"

pile,

Scth,

"No o,
amount
" Well,
a
I

t'wouldn't,

that's

fact.

Get

that

tu lend on a slow note ?"

might scrape

it

up

could
after

give you

hundred down and the

rc>;t

the

Court's

adjourned."
Harris counted out the hundred, and rolling
up, held
it

it

temptingly in his hand.

Soth's eyes

8KTU WILLET.

149

Stuck out like peeled ouious, uud his uioutli fairly watered at the display. It wan more money than he had ever owned in his life.

" Have you ever heard that county, Seth ?"

I steal si,eep in

Tio-a

" Not's

know on."
?

" You're sure


Court.''

mind

you'll have to

swear

in

Seth looked at Harris, and then at the

bills.

"

/S'w/-e parfectly sure."

" Nor anything about


the robbery
of Jenkins's
bills

my

being implicated
Still

in

store?"

holding

the

roll

of

in

his

hand,

and turning over

the ends, exhibiting the V's


talizingly.

and X's most tan-

"

No;

I'll

had anything

swear I never heeard nobody say you to do with it."


;

" You're an honest man, Seth

here's a

hundred
have

on account.

The other hundred you

shall

after the Court."

The Court had been

in session

some time, when

the Colonel and myself arrived, and Seth had just been sworn. He was to destroy the character of
Harris, by testifying in regard to the sheep-stealing,

and the robbery


iC

at

Painted Post.
pint.'
}}

Han't no knowledge on the

150
" lliive

AMKRICAN HUMOUR.
you never hcunl,
wliilc livinj,' at

Painted
in the

Post, that he

was suspected oC being engaged

?" robbery V

"

do-no.

never

take

no

notice

about
neigh-

wliat j)eo|)le

say

suspiciuushj

about their

bours."

" Really you're a very singular witness.


jog your .neniory a
little.

Let

me

Do you remember havin"


eonn^^ction with the

said anything about

llarris'a

Tioga

hheep-stealing,

and

the

Jenkins's

store

robbery, while you were at Gillis's store one night last April

"

As

fer's

my

reek'lection serves, I
Gillis's

ha ant."

"

Were you

at

store

on the night of the

17th of April?"

"

do-no

for sartin." at all

" Were you in Ridgeway


April ?"

on the 17th of

" Yeeas,
"

was."
fix

How

do you

the time

Proceed, and

tell

the justice, (we shall get at the truth of this story yet," aside to the plaintiff.) " Come Sir,
i)roeeed

Sir."

" ^^W\ on the mornin' of the l7th, Dickson says he to me, says he, ' Seth, go down to Mr. Dill's, and get the nails clenched in th(.- brown

SETII
^narc's off-hind foot/

VVILLET.

161
put a hdter on
\f

So

jisf

Ridgeway, and stoj.t in Gil. an' bort son.o thread an' needles for Ant Jerusha, an' Gilleses' dark ast me ef I wouldn't like to taste sum new rum he had jest got up froiu Bellefonte, an' T said, ' Yi.s/ an'
l-Bts' store,

an', cantercrl

down

to

he poured out
it

abeout

have a

tumbler,

an'

drinkt

right

deown."
"V/ell, Sir,

goon."
I led the

" Well, then


an
ast

brown mare over tu


?"

Dill's,

Miss Dill ^^
Dill, his wife
I ast

" You mean Mrs.


"Yeas, Miss

Dill.

Miss Dill ef Mr. Dill

was tu hum, an' she

sed,
liek b'low
?'

" 'No, he's deown tu the


mill, arter deer.

Andrewses'

What you want


.

says she.

" 'I want

to get th
I.

nails clenched to the mare's

off-hind foot,' sez

"

'W'al,' sez she, 'can't


'

yen du

it

yerself ?'

"

Wal,' says

I,

'

guess I can.'
the horse-nails war,

"So
an' giv'

she showed

me whar
I

me

the hannner, an' I put on Dill's leather


it

apron, an' at

I went.

got in three nails right

snug, and clenched them, an' was drivin' deown the third, when the mare shied at suthen, and shoved her foot a-onc side, an' the hammer cum

deown

152
caslap
riglit

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
!

on this there thumb-rmil.

You sec"
''''^

(holdms-itup)-it^SBotgrowe(leoutyit''^'''

^''

'^'''

store
;

r'
on tu

'" "^^ '"''^ '^' '^^"^ ''

i(

y^m feW
yel
.'

tell

you.

Lorlheowldid
painters abeout.

you'd a thought thar was Miss Ddl. she cum a-runnin'


the matter.

fifty

out, an' ast

.hat was

"'Look

here,'

sez

I,

holdin'
all

,,
'

wh,oh was bleedin'hke do r sez I.


'^
'

t,,^
shall

Jehu.

What

^'"

''" >'^

^^'^^^t,'

run

says Miss Dill, an' she


an'
sez

an> got a leaf of live-for-eve,

she,

peelofi-theskm^an^putthepethon.'

/^^Peelityer3elf/se.I,a-cryin'withtheexnuberant pam.

" So she peeled


th^.-

want

and tied it on, anMutu days a bit of soreness in it; but the nail cu
it

"But come
about

to Gillis's store.

What

Hdms
all

did you say

that night f"


I recolleet
is,

" Wal,
mark
drmk.

of fellers was thar; an'


for whiskey, an'
at

Thompson an' a Thompson and I shot

that

lot

at a

my

expense.

they shot, an'

KU

Thompson he ,vin, and we Then Bill Gallager and


Dill

beat Bill, an'

we drn.kt

at hi

"

SETH WILLET.
expense.

153

Gillis he shot agin Frank bouther, an' Frank win; and we cirinkt at Charley's expense; an' then Frark he sung a song, an' then Thompson he sung a song; and the next

Then Charley

was

I recollect

" Well,

Sir,

was what ?"


Gillis'

"Why,

waked up next mornin' on


critter

coun

ter the sickest

ycu ever

see.

over that spree for tu long weeks." " Well, is that all you have to say ?"

T didn't get

"All
more,

I recollect at present.

If I think of any

I'll

come

in an' tell ye."

"You may
Harris

go. Sir."

won

the suit.

154

AMERICAN HUMOUll.

iJl

xiir.

THE TWO FAT SALS.*


If every

man

were to relate the

little

romances of

love in which he

becomes involved,

at

some time or

other of his life, novelists or farce-writers would be supplied with plots and incidents enough to supply

pubhshcrs and managers with a continual run of


novelties for all times.

In the story of the


the experience of one

"Two Fat Sals" is recorded man only, but it affords a

very useful lesson on the evils of a mind divided in the matter of love, and another illustrious example
of the truth of the aphorism, that true love never did run
'^

the course of

smooth/'
livin'

"There was two


*

Sals

in

our

town Sal

By

G.

II. Hill.

./,M^,

THE TWO FAT


Stebbins and Sal Babit
Sal Stebbins would
;

SALS.

155
swow.

real corn-fed gals, I

lift

a barrel of cyder out of the


feller,

eend of a cart as quick as any other


It

and drink

tew.

Sal Babit, she was so fat, she'd roll one

way

jest as easy as t'other,

and

if

anything, a

little

easier.

Well, there was a corn-husking, and I went along with Sal Stebbins there was all the
:

gals

and

boys

settin'

reound, and I got sot


if I

down

so near Sal

Babit,
I

that Fll be darned

didn't kiss her afore

know'd what
:

I was abeout.

Sal Stebbins, she

blushed
she

the blood rushed right


critter

up

'\\

into her hair


see.

was the best red


it

I ever did

I
it

thought
was,
for

was

all

up with me, and sure enough


asked her
if

when
slie

she would go

hum
'tall

with me,

said

"

'

No
it.'

you needn't trouble yourself nothin'

'bout

Well,

if

you're

mind

to get spunky, I guess I

can

git

a gal that will let

me

see

her hum.

Sal

Babit, shall I go

hum

with you
'

V
if

"

'

\Yell/ says she,


that,

I don't

mind

you dew.'

Sal Stebbins uiarricd a feller in our town, by the name of Pos/, blind in one eye, and deaf in one ear,jest to spite me, nothir -1. u
'
:

" Arter

so I

thought

if

she was a

mind

to take

a feller that
bett.v.

'

'^l

could'nt see or hear any tew well, I'd

let

her

156
slide:

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
so I

went away from hum, and was gone


five

about three-four- five years ?_ycs, jest about


years,
little

^cause I

know when
I

I got

back she had four


she got along.

Posts.

went

to

see

how

and set down; so I tuck a cheer and squatted; then she tuck another cheer and squatted; and we both squatted
in

She asked

me

to

come

there together.
:

Her young ones was

all

runnin^ reound on the^floor

she pinted to them, and said, in a sort of bragging way,

" 'You see them, don't you


Yes,' says
I,

?'

squintin'

up one eye,

'

see,
'

they're

all jest like

their daddy, blind in one eye.'

"She was

bilin'

dumplings

at the tmie,

and

as

soon as she see

me
it

shut up one eye, she out with


let

a hot dumpling and

me

have

it

in t'other,

which

made me shut

up a darn'd

sight quicker than I

ever did afore, and I haint been in love since that time."

war's yure

iioss

157

XIV.

WAR^S YURE HOSS?


Some
years since,

when

the

State of ]\Iissouri
I
ifl

was considered Far West," there lived on the bank of the river of the same name
of the State, a
toil,

substantial farmer, who,

by years of

had accu;

raulated a tolerable pretty pile of castings


as

owing,

he

said,

principally to the fact that he didn't


taters

raise

much

corn.

much
there.

and unyuns, but rite smart of This farmer, hearing that good land was cheaper farther south, concluded
to

move

Accordingly,

he provided his eldest son

with a good horse, and a sufficiency of the needful


to

defray his

travelling

and contingent expenses,


two hundred acres

and instructed him

to purchase

I
If
f!

158
of good
liiucl,

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
at

the

lowest

possible price,

and

return immediately
started for Arkansas,
six weeks,

home.
and

The next dav Jeems


an absence of some

after

returned home.

"Well, Jeems," said the old man, 'Miow'd you


find land in

Arkensaw ?" " Tolerable cheap, dad."


didn't

"You
til

buy mor'n two hundred

acres,

did

3^1,

Jeems ?"

" No, dad, not over tu himdred, I reckon." " How much money hev yu got left ?" " Nary
red,
I

dad

cleaned

rite

out !"

"AThy,
in

had no idee
Jeems."

travelliu'

was so 'spcnsive

them

parts,

" Wal,

just

you try it wonst, an'

you'll find out,

I reckon."

" Wal, never mind


an'

that, let's hear 'bout the land,

but war's yure hoss?"


see,

"Why, yu day"
" But

dad, I was a goin' along

one

vjar's ijnre hoss

.?"

"Yu Yu see,
feller as

I'll tell yu all 'bout it. was agoin' along one day, an' I met a " said he was goin' my way tu

hole on, dad, an'


I

" But

tm?''s

yure hoss ?"

"Dod

darn mi hide, ef yu don't shut up, dad.

war's yukk hoss?

159
xve

rn

never git tu the boss.

Wal, as

was both

goin' the

same way, me an'

this feller jined

cuman'

pcnny, an' 'bout noon, we hitched our


set

critters,

down

aside uv a branch,

and went

to eatin' a

snack.

Arter we'd got thru, this

feller sez

tu me,
'

'Try a drap uv

this ere red-eye, stranger.'

I don't mind,' sez I

Wal,

" But war's yure hoss ?"


bime-by, dad. So me an' this feller sot thar, sorter torkin' an' drinkin', an'

'^Kummin' tu him

then he

sez,

'Stranger, let's play a leetle


takin'

game uv
a greasy,
cf I

Seven-up,' a

out uv

his pocket

roun'-cornered deck uv kerds.


du,' sez I.

'Don'r kccr

So we

sot

up

side

uv a stump, and

kummcnced
him orful

tu bet a quorter up, an' I ^^asiislayin'

" But war's yure hoss ?"

" Kummin' tu him, dad. Bime-by, luck changed,


an' he got tu winnin', an' pretty sunc I hadn't not
doller. Then sez he, 'Stranger, I'll gin yu a chance to git even, an' play yu one more

nary nuthcr

game.'

Wal, we both plaid

rite tite

that game, I

swarc, an'

we was both

six an' six, an'

"

" War's yure hoss ?"


" Kummin' tu him, dad.
dad, an' 'twas his

We

was

six an'

six,

deal"

160 "Will yu

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
tell

me
six

war's yure hoss?" said the

old man, getting riled.

" Yes, we was


Jack

an' six, an* he turned

up the

War's yure hoss ?"

The stranger won him, a-turnin'

that Jack /"

i;
II

BOB LEK.
the

161
!!

the

>

^1

I
ill

XV.

BOB LEE.
A TALE.

little

In a remote region of the Hoosae Mountains is a place called Turkeytown. It is a straggling

assemblage of dingy, old-fashioned houses sur! rounded by the woods, and the inhabitants are as
old fashioned as their dwellings.

They

raise corn

and pumpkins,

believe in witches,

and know nothing


There has
the

of railroads or the

march of

intellect.

never been more than one pair of boots in

town: these are

called

the town boots,- and are


expense,
to

provided at the public

be

worn
I

to

Boston every winter by the representative.


the satisfaction last

had

week of

actually seeing these

VOL.

I.

162

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
intcgununts
in
official

venerable coriaceous

duty

upon the long shanks of Colonel Crabapple of the General Court, and was struck with becoming awe
at their veteran looks. They seemed to be somewhat the worse for wear, but the Colonel informed me the town had lately voted to have them heel-

tapped, and the vote would probably be carried into


effect before

the next session.


story, however, is not about boots,

M!

The present

but about Bob Lee,


that lived
his living

who was an odd


skirts of

sort of a fellow,

upon the

Turkeytown, and got

He had neither chick nor child, but kept a bachelor's hall in a


ricketty old house, without
<

by hook and by crook.

any companion except

II

an old black hen,

whom

he kept to amuse him

because she had a most unearthly


that

mode

of cackling
to

nobody could understand.

Bob used

spend

his time in shooting wild ducks,

trapping foxes and musquashes, catching pigeons, and other vagabond

and aboriginal occupations, by means of which he


contrived to keep his pot boiling, and a ragged jacket

upon

his back.

Nothing could indue him

to

work
left

hard and lay up something for a rainy day.


the
rainy

Bob

days to take care o' themselves,

and

thought of nothing but sunshine.


incorrigible

In shcvt, the

vagRbond was as

lazy, careless,

ragged

ff

and happy
day.

as

any man yon ever saw of a summer's

it fell ont upon a summer's day, that Bob found himself without a cent in his pocket or a

And

morsel of victuals in the house.

His whole

dis-

posable wealth consisted of a single fox-skin nailed against his back door, drying in the sun. Something must be had for dinner, and Bob took down the fox-skm, and set off for Deacon Grabbit's store
to
soil
it.

As luck would have

gone

a quarter of a mile, he

Connecticut pedlar, u

it, before he had met old Tim Twist, the crony and boon con.panion of

many
his

years' standing.
gossip,

Tim, who was glad to see

old

invited

him

into

Major Shute's
Bob,

tavern to take a glass of New-England.

who

had never signed the toniperanee


the invitation nothing loth.
half a pint,
tastes

j)lcdge, accepted

They

sat

down

over

and discussed the news.


than that

No

drink
for

better
It

which a

man

gets

nothi2ig.
thirsty.

was a hot day, and both were very Tim was very liberal for a
Connecticut
will

man.

What

you have

In the upshot they


it
;

found they had made an immense potation of

and

Bob took
that he

leave of his old friend, clearly satisfied

had not taken

so heavy a pull for

many

day.

M 2

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23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, NY. 14580 (716) 872-4503

's^'U^
'<b^

FV

mmm

164

AMERICAN HUxMOUK.
hardly got out of sight of the tavern
travel;

He had
he
sat

before he found the road too cror-ked to

down under an

apple-tree to take a little

cool reflection, but the

more he
it
:

reflected, the

more

he could not understand


in

his eyes

began

to

wag
of

his

head,
asleep,

and he was just on the point

falling

when a bob

o'link alighted
to

on a

branch over his head and began


Delink
!

sing ''Bob

bob o^link

bob o'link

Bob

Lee's brains

were by this time in such a fog, that his eyes and ears were all a^kew, and he did not doubt

somebody

was calhng on him.


''

Hollo, neighbor ;" says


!

Bob Lee.
what ye got? what
bird

"Bob o^lmk
Bob thought.

bob o'link!

ye got? what ye got?"

chattered the

as

" Got a fox-skin," answered he.

"D'ye want

to

buy ?"

"Bob
what
'11

o'link!

bob o'link! what


returned the

'II

ye take?
feathered

ye

take ?"

little

chatterer.

"Half

a dollar,"

replied Bob,

"and

it's

worth

every cent of the money."

"Bob

c'link!
!

bob

o'iink!

bob

o'link
!

two

and threepence
threepence !"
tree.

two and threepence


the
reply

two
the

and

was

from

apple-

BOB LEE.

165
"it's a real silverfor
it.
I

"Won't
grey
:

take it/* said


is

Bob;

half a dollar

little

enough

Can't

sell it for

two and threepence."


o'link
!

" Bob

bob o'link
;

you'd better, you'd

better, you'd better

two and threepence, two and


;

threepence, two and threepence

now

or never,

now

or never,

now

or never."

" Can't ye say any more ?


I

Well, take

it

then.

won't stand for ninepence.


said Bob, twisting
his

Hand

us over the

money,"

head round and

with

round, endeavouring to get a sight of the person whom he was bargaining.

"Bob
it
!

o'link

bob o'link! bob o'link


let's

let's

have

let's

have

it,

have

it

quick or

ye'll lose

it

quick or

ye'll lose it !"

turned his head toward the quarter from which the sound proceeded, and imagining he saw

Bob

somebody
claiming,

in the tree,

threw up the fox-skin, ex-

"There

it

is,

and cheap enough

too,

at

two and threepence."


r.ew away, singing

Mr. Bob
o'link,

o'link started

and

"Bob

bob o'link! catch


!"

a weasel, catch a weasel, catch a weasel

for

Bob

Lee made
said,

clear

English of every thing that the bird


all

and never doubted


a

the while that he was

driving

regular bargain with

a country trader.

At

the same time, spying a toadstool growing at the

^'^^"""'iMVMP

166

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
he imagined
at
it.

foot of the tree,

it

to be a half dollar,

and made a grasp

The

toadstool was

demo-

lished under his hand, but

Bob happening

to clutch
it

a pebble-stone

at

the same

moment, thrust
had secured
it

into

his pocket, fully persuaded he

his coin.

" Can^t make change, remember


said he,
his

next time !"


best of

and so turning about, he made the way homewards.


he awoke

the next morning, he felt in his pocket for the half dollar, but his astonishment

When

cannot be described
into a stone.

at

finding

it

metamorphosed

He rubbed

his eyes, but the


like a

more he

rubbed them, the more


decidedly a stone
I

stone

it

looked

He thought

of witchcraft, but

presently recollecting that he had taken a drop too

much,

just before the bargain

under the apple-tree,

he became of opinion that he had been cheated, and


that the crafty rogue

who had bought his fox-skin, had taken advantage of his circumstances to palm
off a stone

upon him

for silver.

Bob
"

started

upon

his legs at the very thought.

rascal

he ex-

claimed, 'Til

catch

him

if he's

above ground!'*
sallied in a

No

sooner said than done.

Out he

tremendous chafe, determined to pursue the rogue to the further end of the state. He questioned
every person he met, whether he had not seen a

BOB LEE.
crafty-looking
caitiff

167

sharking about the town and


to

buying fox-skins, but nobody seemed


such creature.
called at
store,
at

know any

He

ran up and down the road,


at

Major Shute's tavern,


Colonel

Deacon Grabbit'
grocery,
at

Crabapple's
at

Tim

Thumper's shoemaker's shop,

Cobb's bank and

at Slouch's corner, but not a soul

had seen the man

with the fox-skin.

Bob was

half out of his wits at

being thus baulked

in his chase,

never imagining he
little

was bob

all

the while in pursuit of an innocent

o'link. at this disappointment,

In great vexation
slowly plodding his
in

he was

way homeward, when he came


had made
this un-

sight of the spot where he

fortunate traffic with the roguish


apple-ti-ee !"

unknown.

"

Oh
an

he

exclaimed,
tell

"if thou

bee'st

honest apple-tree,
fox-skin."

me what

has become of

my

He

looked up as he uttered these words,

and

to

his

astonishment, there was his fox-skin,


air

dangling in the

at

the end of a branch

He

knew not what

to

make

of so strange an adventure,

but he was nevertheless overjoyed to recover his


property,

and climbing the

tree,

threw

it
;

to
in

the
des-

ground.

The

tree

was old and hollow

cending, he thrust his foot into an opening in the


trunk,

some distance above the ground, and

fe]

"

168
somethn,g loose

AMERICAN HUMOLxl.

inside. He drew it out and found was a heavy lun.p, which he in.agined at first to be a stone wrapped round with a
It

cloth.

It

proved

however,
lars
!

on

examination,

to

be a

bag of dol-

He

could

hardly

believe

I,is

eye.,

but

t..mg them over and

after

over, ringing thr,

stone and eutting the edge of so,o f them with a


kiufe, at length satisfied himself that they sdver pieees. The next

upon a

were true

inquiry was,

how they eame

here,
total

and

to

whom

they belonged.

the dark.

had lain in the tree some years, as was evident from the eondition of the bag, whieh was nearly decayed. Was
it

The money

could not be the proprietor of the money, for he had no need of a strong-box in sueh a sly plaee.

Here he was The owner of the land surely

stolen
lost

body

No-beeause no-

these parts

had

such a sum
?

the fru.t of a highway robbery

Was

it

No

was now probably dead or gone away, never


turn.

the deposit of money in sueh a plaee. The owner or depositor had never returned to elaiu, it,

been committed in this quarter, time out of mind There were no imaginable means of accounting for

robbery had

and

to re-

Such were the thoughts that Bob revolved in

mS^i'

"

BOB LEE.
his

1G9
liis

mind

as

be
first

gloated

over

newly-gotten
dis-

treasure.

At

he thought of making the

covery public, but reflecting on the


ances

many annoy,
in

which

this

would bring upon him


of his neighbours,

the

inquisitive curiosity

and more

considering that the cash must in consequence lie a long time useless, ere he could

especially

be

legally allowed to

apply

it

as his
it,

own

property, he

resolved

to say nothing about

but to consider
It

was therefore conveyed the same evening to his house, and snugly lodged in his chest.

the

money

his

own immediately.

From
among
flush of

that day forward

it

began to be remarked

the neighbours, that

Bob Lee was mighty


visible

money, and though he had no

means

of subsistence, spent a great deal

more .han he was


wonder that
while
is

wont.

More

especially

it

excited their

his pockets

always contained hard

dollars,

other people

had

little

besides paper.
jsity

There

nothing equal to the prying curi

of the inhabi-

tants of a country village, and the buzzing and stir which an insignificant matter will arouse among a
set of inquisitive gossips.

Everybody began

to talk

about the
for
it.

affair,

but nobody knew

how

to account

All

sorts of guesses

and conjectures were

170

AMERICAN

IIUMOUIl.

put upon the rack, but nothing was able to explain


the mystery.
treaties

All sorts of hints, inquiries

and en-

were put in requisition.


all

Bob was proof

against
to let
osity.

their inquisitiveness die in

and seemed resolved

them

the agonies of unsatisfied curi-

Bob

stood

it

out for a long while


its

but

human

endurance has

limits,

and
till

after being worried

with guesses and questions

he despaired of ever

being

left in

quiet possession of his

own

secret,

he

began

to east about for a

method of allaying the


at

public curiosity in

some measure, or
himself.

least

of

turning

it

aside from

An

old

gossip,

named Goody Brown, had


the affair from the
first

laid siege to

him about

afternoon she dropped in as usual, and after some preliminary

moment.

One

recommenced the attack by inquiring, with a significant look and shake of the head, whether
tattle,

money was

as scarce as ever with ',im.


to

Bob had
play the
to begin

been for some time thinking of a trick


old lady, and thought this a good
his

moment

mystification

so putting

on a look of great

seriousness, knitting his brows,


his

and puckering up
secret

mouth,

as if big with a

mighty
;

about to

be communicated, he replied

"

I ;

BOn LEE.
"Really,

171

Mrs.

Bmwn I
are

have been thinking,


I

whether now you


certain."

prudent woman,

am

"A

prudent woman, indeed! who ever thought

of calling

me impnilcnt

Everybody

calls

me

prudent woman, to be sure.


it,

You need

not doubt

though

say so."

"You

arc a prudent
I

woman, no doubt, and


whether
I

have been thinking,

say,

might trust

you with a

secret

!"

"A

secret! a secret! a secret!


is

Oh, Mr. Bob,

then there

a secret ?" said the old lady aroused

into great animation

by the prospect of getting


last.

at

the bottom of the mystery at

" Yes, Mrs. Brown, to confess the truth, there


a secret."

is

"

Oh

knew

it

knew

it

knew

there

was a

secret.

I always said there

was a
!

secret

was always sure there was a

secret

I told every-

body

knew

there must be a secret."

" But

IMrs.

Brown,

this

must be kept a
it

secret

so perhaps I

had

better keep

cannot keep a secret,

why then
I

to myself.

If

you

" Good lack


afraid.

Mr. Lee,
:

am

sure you are not


secret.

Never fear me

can keep a

Every-

body knows how well

can keep a secret."

172

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
to
is

"Kverybody knows,
can keep a secret; that

be sure, how ^ell you


just

what

am

thinking,

about."

" Sure, Mr. Bob, you don't mean to keep


of the secret

me

out

what, sit?

now you have begun. You know I can keep


recollect,

Come, come,
a secret; you

know

can."
this,

"But
Brown,

Mrs. Brown,
I tell it

is

a very par-

ticular secret;
it

and

if

to

you-hey, Mrs.

must be

in confidence

you know."

"Oh,

in

confidence! to be sure in confidcncoI

certainly in confidence.

keep everything in con-

fidcnce."

"But now
about Zachary

recollect,

Mrs. Brown, that story


say you blabb\l."
!

Numps-they

"

Oh

law

now Mr.
in

Lee, no such thing


or three

I only

said one

day

company with two

people-

altogether in confidcnce-that

some

folks might, if
It vvas

they chose, say so and so about some folks

allm

confidence, but
arc sure

somehow

or other

it

got out."

"If you
I think I

you can keep the

secret then,

may

trust

you with

it ;

but you must

promise."

" Oh, promise

certainly

will

promise.

Mr.

Bob
;

nobody

will

IS,

I certainly will

promise more than I will-that promise to keep the secret."

mmmmm

Hon LKE.
" Tlicu
voice,
let

173
lu
,

mc

tell

you," said

in u low,

solemn

hitching his chair at the mime time nearer to

the

old

woman, who

sat

with open mouth

and

staring eyes, eager to devour the wished-for secret

" These dollars of mine, you know, Mrs.

Brown"

here he stopped, keeping her in the most provoking

suspense imaginable.

" Yes, yes

the dollars, the dollars."

"These

dollars of mine,

you know, Mrs. Brown,

why

they are dollars hey ?"


dollars,

" Yes, the

the dollars

go on, go on

where do they come from?


you get them
" Why,
?

where do you get them ?"

Mr. Bob, where do

I get

them somewhere, you know

but

where do you think ?"


I always thought you got them somewhere: I always told everybody I knew you must get them somewhere."

"Yes,

yes,

you get them somewhere;

" Very

well,

Mrs. Brown."

"Very
them?
me."

well,
is

Mr. Lee; but where do you get


the

that

questionyou have not

told

" Where do

I get

them," said Bob, slowly and

solemnly, and rubbing his hands together, screwing

up

his

mouth, rolling his eyes and shaking his

174

AMi;illCAN

IHr.Monii.

iwnd, wl.ilf tho ..M


of HUspniNi!
aiiul

lady was on thr f.-titcr-liookH


"

oxpcctatiun.

h.ic

dc.

^.t

Hi.niy

Now

what do

y.ui think,

Mi.

M-own, of

my

ohi hhu'k hen ?"


h.-n
I

" Vonr ohl hh.rk

What
"<w
!

(h.

yon mean ?"


yon
,^;.^^.^.

"Thnv's
Kncssod,

ihiv

ihinK
|,
j,

Thm
^,

never
,^^,^^^.^j

hey

,,(,,,,,

the story of the

.;oose

with the jroUK'n '^'gr"

he snr<'," replied (Joody, op'ning her eyes nider than ever; "to he nnr I !. have,
t<.

"To

snie,

Mr. H,d)-to
is

I.

snre.

IJu

yonr hen, yon know,'

not 4 u'oose."

"That

is

very

trne,
If a

J\Irs.

j^own

hnt

here

is

m)th(<r qnestion.

p>ose can lay a L'ohien -li'i"'

why

ean't a hen lay a silver one

"Snre enongh,
enonj,^!,"

Mr.

Lee,

snre

enon-h,

snre

said

the old wo.nan,

he-inning to get

sonie

liglit

on the snhjcct.

" Siur enoni^h, as yon say.

Now

this hlaek hen

of

mine every
"Yon

day

go

to the nest

and

iind u

silver dollar there \"

anuize mc, liob !" said she, in the greatest

astonishment.

"
!

Who
!

wonld have thonght

it

In-

deed

indeed

indeed

and
I

is it

true ?"

" AVhy,

:Mrs. IJrown, if

do not get them there,

where do 1 get them ?"

%.

HOit

,.,.H,

175
stiirH
!

" Sun
kt!W

vunu^h.
1

\Vr!l,

r.iy

,,|,noMt

itill

ulwuyH t\umirh\. ihrr


|,,l(s ,,((l,Ht, |,|,.|^

mm

NoriK-ll.i.iK

Ht,runjr(.

iljj.

lini."

"Ah,
you
k(
('n

y(,u
it

HIT a ciin,. .ik

woman hut
tne.

hr sure

u Hrcrct."
Huiv,

"To
Wh.,

h(-

never fear

(:.))l;ir

a day!
^j,,^^
,^

vvr.nhl
!

have th<Hi-ht
Do, Mr.
:

jf,

|,|,.,

,^

I'U'ky nuiii

f,,,.,

|,,t

,.,.

the nest;
it.''

it

n.nst he very enriouH

"Certainly, with
there
is

all

am dying my heart;
you
F

to m-e

hut hi us nee
this

if
I

noh.aly eominin

Ah, step
see,

way;
if

keep her
h)iouI(1

snug

phu.r,

heeause

she

run away, what shouht


led the way,
I

do

for casii

So saying, he
trotted
aft..r

and the old woman


her in at o.h. door

him.

!< carried

and out
ov(.-,

at another,

up

this passag,

and dowr.

that,

und..r a.ul tluough, /.ig.,ag


all

and round ahout,

and twistingn "I"'" ln ixvmises, in ord(-r to give the whole affair


an appearance of greater mystery.
to a little

through

the rignuirole turnings

At

last

coming
told her

nook

in the corncir of his

ham, he
at
it

that was the

i.laee.

She ga/ed

with

ring

eyes and uplifted hands, exclaiming,

"

Was

there ever anything


trick,

like; it

f"
j.

Bob, to carry on the

concealed

dollar in

176

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
hand into the
nest,
dre..

his sleeve, and thrust his


it

forth,

and exhibited

it

to the old

woman, who was

now

fully convinced,

because she had actually seen

the^ dollar

in

the nest, and

who could doubt

after

such a proof?
It
is

needless to add that within two days, the

all over the town, and Bob was beset with greater crowds than ever; so far from diminishing the curiosity of his neighbours by the stratagem, he found he had augmented it

story was trumpeted

tenfold.

It is

not to be supposed that every one

believed the story, but there were

enough who

did,

and the remainder

fell

to wondering, guessing

and

questioning with more pertinacity than ever.

Bob's

house was besieged from morning

till

night,

and

the unfortunate man, under these redoubled annoy,


ances,

found he had got out of the frying-pan into

the

fire

He now

denied

the

whole story, and

declared that he had been only sporting with the credulity of the old Goody but j unluckily they would not believe him people do not like
;

to have

their belief in the marvellous disturbed

they could

not believe his tale of finding the


tree,

in an oak but that the dollars were got from a hen's

money

nest,

was something worth believing.

Bob, at a

BOB LEE,
loss

177

what to do in this emergency, appHed to many people for advice, and at last was struck with
the

following counsel from Deacon Grabbit.

"If

were in your place," said

tiie

Deacon,
a

''

think I would
for

make

the hen turn

me

penny

believe she gives you a dollar a day, they will be willing to give a good price for
?

wV

If folks

her,

and

if

they buy her and find themselves mistheir look-out.


sell

taken, that

is

Now

I would put her

up

at
:

auction and
it

her for the most she will

bring

will

be a fair bargain, provided you war-

rant nothing !"

to follow it. He accordingly gave public notice, that he should expose


his

This advice seemed excellent, and Bob was not long in making up his mind

hen

at auction in front of the

Meeting-house on
This

Saturday afternoon next,

at four of the clock.


stir,

announcement made a great


arrived, he

and when the time

found a prodigious crowd assembled.

the top of a hogshead with his hen in one hand and a stick of wood in the other, and began the following harangue

Bob mounted

"Ding
ahoy,

dong, ding

dong, ding dong


all

Ahoy,
presents,

ahoy!

Know

men by

these

^ncreas, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Gentlemen,


please
to
I.

come

to order

and attend to the

sale!

VOL.

178

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Here wc are in the name of the commonwealth,


and here
is

the fowl

all

the world

is

talking about,'

now

to be sold to the highest bidder.

moever
but as

buys her
to
I;

will get a black pullet for his pay,

silver dollars,

that

is

neither here nor there


it

warrant no such thing, but not be; nobody knows all


ing3 of the hen creation.

may

be,

and

it

may

the pickings and scratch-

I'll warrant the creature be sound of wind and limb, but whether her eggs are, round or flat, I shan't be flat enough to swear quite so roundly

to

that is the buyer's

aff-air,

Gentlemen, I moreover warrant her to be a black hen, and that no washing can make her
white, except whitewashing.

not mine.

But whether black or


is

white, nobody can say black


for she
is

the white of her eye,

as honest a soul as ever picked


if

up

crumb, and

she deals in dollars, you

may depend

upon

it

they are not counterfeit.

Whoever buys

her will get his money's worth if he does not give too much; and he may reckon on any reasonable

number of
them

chickens, provided he does not reckon before they are hatched. Gentlemen,
I

won't
this,

be certain as to her age, bat I


that if she
is

will assure

you

too young,

it is

a fault will
goes.
?

grow

less

and
give

less

every day.
?

Here she
give

TOat'll ye

me

^at'll ye

me

What'll ye give

ROB LEE.

179

mc
by

Come

bid away, gentlemen, and


folks say I have

make your
fortune

fortunes.
her,

Some

made my

and good luck betide them while they speak


I.

the truth, say

People say this and that, but I


,

say nothing.
going, going \"

who buys my hen ?-Going~

The old hen set up a loud cackling, and fluttered her wings prodigiously, at the conclusion of this
speech,

crowd of gaped, stared and scratched their heads, imagining that the creature understood every word of what was uttered, and never suspecting that Bob had given her a smart pull by the
spectators,

much

to the astonishment of the

who

tail to

make

and observed that the creature looked as if she saw something: Bob called out for bidders, but his customers
with true Yankee caution, bid slowly, and made very low offers at last, however, she was knocked
:

her squall out.

They shook

their heads

oif to a credulous

bumpkin, named Giles Elderberry


and potatoes
at a

for six dollars, to be paid in corn


fair price the

next

fall.

Bob
hand

deliver(.d

him the hen,

and took
Giles

Giles's note of

for the pay.

took

his purchase

home

in

great

glee

days. He bestowed her' snugly in his hencoop, and was hardly able to shut

hugging himself with the prospect of having a heap of silver ere many

N 2

m
I]

180

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
by thinking of the fortune
lie

his eyes that night,

tliat

awaited hiui.

Next morning

ran to the nest,

but was disa])pointed in not finding the dollar. waited all day and saw the night

He
but
to

a])i)roach,

nothing rewarded his


scratch his head,
that
it

patienee.

He began

but presently bethought himself was Sunday, and the hen being
orthodox,
to

would not
again
with

lay

till

the next day.

So he went

bed

undiminished

hopes.

But Monday
:

'dollar to be seen he cudgelled his brain, and suspected there might be witchea in the case ; thereupon he nailed a horseshoe on the door of the hencoop, and waited another day, but nothing came of it.

came and there was no

He now

sat

down

upon

a log of

wood, and
his

fell

to

pondering upon the


another thought

matter with

all

might;

finally

struck him, and he imagined a nest-egg might be wanting. Straightway he procured a dollar and

lodged

it

in the nest,

but

it

did not bring him even

six per cent,

interest, for the next

day there was a

dollar

and no more.

He

tried various other expe-

dients, but they all failed in the

same manner.
success,

The
he

neighbours

inquired

about his

but

got only a bantering answer and a hint about the note of hand.

informed them that the hen put it consulted Cob Lee about it, and

off terribly.

He

BOn LEE.
Giles

181

was not

to

be bantered out of his

laid the case before

belief, but sundry of his acquaintance, who

were notorious for their credulity


affairs.

in

all

marvellous

it as their opinion that the hen was bewitched, and Giles was already inclined to the same belief: his

Most of them gave

only

solicitude

now was
ment.

to

discover

some means of disenchant-

At length

a waggish fellow of tho town,


affair,

who had

got a scent of the

meeting Giles one day,

informed him that he knew of a scheme that would

do the job for him.

Giles
as a

begged earnestly
to

to

know
the

it,

and promised
dollar the

recompense

give'him
plan

first

hen should

lay, in case the


is

succeeded, "for you know," naid he, "it bargain, no cure, no pay."

a fair

"You'll find that next

fall," replied the fellow.

He
Giles

then communicated the

scheme, by which

was instructed

to

go to the top of Blueberry

Hill the
circle

next morning at six o'clock, mark out a


set
:

on the ground,

up a

tall

pole in the centre

with the hen at the top

he was then to walk three

it, heels foremost, say the A B C backwards, sing a stave of Old hundred, cry eock-a-

times

round

doodle-doo, and sneeze thi-ee

times all which he


I!

was assured would break the

spell.

182
Giles
"'"'un^'our.

A Mi; 111 CAN HL.MOtll.


took
.osj.el, aiid the next he was on the spot ready j.ri.parcd at the
all

this

rr

Ho

ot

hiH

Imvlui, i" the


-,

air

and went
0,1

to

woi-k with the incantation

ail
:

was goino.

pros-

peronsly and according to rule


the j,saln,
tune,

he hud got through


like

crowed as exactly

an

old

rooster us one could

wish, and was just taking a

thumping pinch
anceze
^^

of Scotch yellow to enable


effect,

him

to

ith

more

when

casting his eyes aloft

he descried u monstrous hen-hawk nj,on the wing


in the act of

making u stoop

at his

enchanted fowl.

Giles blurted out u tremendous sternutation,

the

hawk was not


he could

before

but be sneezed out of his prey, for rub away the tears which
to
'this

explosion shook into his eyes,

souse came the

hawk

upon the hen, and both were out of sight among the woods
his head and stared with wonder, but they never came buck to give any account of themselves he is certain although, that had he got through the incantation half a minute sooner, tae hen would have been as safe us a tliief in a
:

Giles scratched

mill.

have hcurd people suy that he has

still

some ex-

pcctation of their return, but I believe he has given up speculating in poultry. However, the memory of the story remains in those parts, and when a

IIOIJ

I.Kiv.

183
uncointnon wisdom,
Dulcfi
(iars,

\H'vmn

(Iocs

anything that

hIiovvh
tlic

such us discovering that

luivc;

taken

IIoHand, or that asses have

he

is

said to be

akin to the witches, like ]Job Lee's

lien.

184

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

XVI.
t
'

THE SHOOTING-MATCH.

are probably nearly coeval with the colonization of Georgia. They are still

SuoGTiNG-MATCHEs

common throughout
they are not as
or thirty years ago.

the Southern States


as they

though

common

were twenty-five

I was travelling in one of the

north-eastern counties,
bright-eyed,

when

I overtook a swarthy,

fellow, riding a small pony, and bearing on his shoulder a long, heavy rifle, which, judging from its looks, I should say

smirky

little

had done

service in

Morgan's corps,
Sir,"

" Good morning,


horse, as I

said

I,

reining

up

my

came beside him.


it,

"

How

goes

stranger ?- said he, with a tone

THE SHOOTING-WATCH.

185

of independence and self-confidence that awakened

my

curiosity to

know

a little r" his character.


;

" Going driving ?" inquired

I.

"Not

exactly," replied he, surveying

my

horse

with a quizzical smile,

"I

haven't been a-driving

so

by myself for a year or two, and bad lately I can't carry a


to help

my

nose has got


ivithout

cold-trail

hounds
^

me."

Alone, and without hounds as he was, the qucs;

tion was rather a silly one

but

it

answered the

purpose for which

it

was put, which was only to

draw him

into

conversation,

and

proceeded

to

make

as decent a retreat as I could.

" I didn't know^," I said, " but that you were going to meet the huntsmen, or going to your
stand."

"Ah,
a bee,

sure enough," rejoined he, " that mout he

as the old
It

woman

said

when she

killed

wasp.

seems to

me

ought to know you."


?"

" Well,
"

if you ou(/hi why don't you What mout your name be ?"
I,

"It miffht he anything," said


wit
;

with borrowed

for I

knew

my

n^an,

and knew what kind of

conversation would please

him most.

"Well, what

i5 it

then ?"

186
"It

AMEllICAN' IIUMOUH.

Hull/' said I;

"but, you know,

it

might

as well have been anything else."

" I find you're not the fool I took you to bej so here's to a better acquaintance with you."

" Pretty digging,'' said he,

"With
must be
name."

all

my

heart,"

as clever as

returned I; "but you Pvc been, and give me your

"To
it,

be sure I

will,

my

old 'coon; take


else

it,

take

and welcome.

Anything

about

me you'd

like to have ?"

"No,"
"

said

I,

"there's nothing else about you

worth having."

Oh

yes, there

is,

stranger.
rifle

Do you

see this ?"

holding up his ponderous


astonished me.

with an ease that

"

If

you

will

go with me

to the

me knock out the bull'seye with her a few times, you'll agree the old soap,
stick's

shooting-match, and see

worth something when Billy Curlew puts his

shoulder to her."

This short sentence was replete with information to me it taught me that my companion
:

was Billy

Curlew; that he was going


that he called his

to a shooting-match;

rifle the soap-stick; and that he was very confident of winning beef with her; or,

TIIK SirooTING-MATCU.

187

which

is

nearly, but not quite the

same thing

driviny the cross with her.

" Well," said


too
sure.
((

I,

"

if

the shooting-match
I'll

is

not

far out of iny


))

way,

go

to

it

with pica-

Unless your way

lies

through the woods from

here," said Billy,

"

it'll

not be

much

out of your

way;

for it's only a mile a-head of us,


for

and there's

you get there ; and as that thing you're riding in, ain't well suited to fast travelling among bushy knobs, I reckon you
till

no other road

you

to take

won't lose

much by going

by.

reckon you hardly

ever was at a shooting-match, stranger, from the cut of your coat ?"

'^Oh

yes,'^

returned

I,

"many

a time.

won

beef at one,

when I was hardly

old enough to hold

a shot-gun off-hand."

"Children don^t go to shooting-matches about


here," said he, with a smile of incredulity.

"I
little

never heard of but one that did, and he was a


swinge-cat.

was born a-shooting, and killed squirrels before he was weaned."


ever hear of but one," replied " and that one was myself."
I

He

" Nor did

I,

"And
r r?"

where did you win beef so young, stran-

188

AMKUICAN
Adiim's."
stranger,
let

IIirMorn.

"At Bciry
"^^hy
Is

stoj.,

nic look at you.

Good.

your niime

Lyman

Hall ?"
I.

"The
boy

very same/' said


!:iy

" Well, dang

buttons,
tell

if

you

ain't the
!

^ry

my duddy
to

used to

mc

about

was too
heard

young
daddy

reeollect

you

myscslf;
a-tin.e.

but

I've

talk about

you many

I believe

mam-

my's got a neck-handkerehief now that daddy won on your shooting at Collen Rcid's store, when you wore hardly knee-high. Come along, Lyman, and ril go my death upon you at the sliooting- match,
with the old soap-stiek at your shoulder."

"Ah, much

l?illy/'

said

I,

'^the old soap-stick will do

better

at

your own

shoulder.
to the

It

was

my

mother's notion that sent


at
it

mc

shooting-match

tell you the honest truth, was altogether a cliance shot that made me win
;

Berry Adam's

and, to

beef; but that wasn't generally known,

and most

everybody believed
account of

tliat

was carried there on

my

skill

in shooting;

and

my

fame was

spread far and wide, I well remember.

"I remember,
bet on

too,

perfectly well your father's

natch,
hat

store. He was at the shooting, and nothing could make bin. believe but was a great shot with a rifle, as

me

at the

well as a

THE silOOTlNn-MATCU.
sbot-gun.

18a
spite of all
I

Bet he would on mc,


I

in

could say, tliou-h


shot a
rifle

ussured
life.

liini

that

had never

It so happcncul too, that that there were but two bullets, or rather a Dullet

in

my

and
skill

a hah";

and so eonfident was your father in that he made me shoot the half bullet,
tell,

my
and

strange to

by another ehancc shot

'ike to

have drove the cross, and won his hot."

" Now
daddy

know

you're the very ehap

for I

heard

tell

the very thing about the half bullet.


it,

Don't say anything about


old shoes
if I

Lyman, and durn

my

don't tear the lint off the boys with


They'll
are of

you

at

the

shooting-match.

never 'spect

such a looking
thing about a

man

as
I'll

you

knowing any-

rifle.

risk your chance shot."

I soon discovered that the father

had eaten sour


;

grapes, and the son's teeth were on edge

for Billy

1*1

was just as incorrigibly obstinate in


dexterity with a
rifle,

his b(dief of

my

as his father

had been before

him.

We

sof.n

reached the place

appointed for the

ii

shooting-matcli. It went by the name of Sims* Cross Roads, because, from the time that the first

had been
there.
in

laid

out,

Archibald

Sims had resided

Archibald had been a Justice of the Peace


(and where
is

his day

the

man

of his ajr? in

190
Georgia

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

who has not

?),

consequently, he was called

Squire Sims.
a

It is the

custom

in this state,
civil

when

man

has once acquired a


it

title,

or military,
;

to force

upon him

as long as he lives

hence the
are in-

countless
1^"

number

of titled personages

who

troduced in these sketches.

stopped at the Squire's door. Billy hastily dismounted, gave me the shake of the hand which he had been reluctantly reserving for a mile back and leading me to the Squire, thus introduced

We

me:
this is Lyman Hall ; and for all in these fine clothes he's a sivinffe-cata darn sight cleverer fellow than he looks to be Wait till you see him lift the old soap-stick, and

Uncle Archy,
see

you

him

draw a bead upon the


see fun to-day
?

bull's-eye.

You

ffroine to

Don't say nothing about

it."

"Well, Mr. Swinge-cat," snidthe Squire, -here's


to a better acquaintance with you," offering

me

his

hand.

'

" How goes hand varmly


those
rarely
:

it.

Uncle Archy ?"

said

I,

taking his

for

I'm always

free

and easy with


course I

who
fail

are so with me,

and

in this

to please.
said

- How's the old woman ?"


Squire,

"Egad!"
you're
too

the

chuckling,

-there

hard for

me

for

she died two-and-

It

'

THE SHOOTING-MATCH.

191

twenty years ago, and I havn't heard a word from


her since !"

" "V'\liat

and you never married again ?"

"

AVell, that's not

my

fault." said T.

" No, nor mine m'ther/'

Here we were interrupted by the cry of another, Rancey Sniffle.


" Hello, here
!

All you as wish to put in for


!

the shooting-match come on here


in's

for the put*n

riddy to begin."
sixty persons,
;

About
had
less

including

men

spectators,

collected

and the most of them were more


call

or

obedient to the

of

Mealy Whitecotton for

that was the


der-in-chief.

name

of the self-constituted

comman-

Some hastened and some


first

loitered, as
;

they desired to be

or last on the

list

for they

shoot in the order in which their names are entered.

The beef was not

present, nor

is

it

ever

upon

such occasions; but several of the company had


seen
it,

who

all

concurred

m
A
for,

the opinion that


price that

it

was good
set

beef,

and well worth the


dollars.

was

upon it eleven

general inquiry ran,


as to the

in order to form

some opinion
;

number of

shots that would be taken

of course, the price

of a shot

is

cheapened in proportion to the increase

19.2

A.MliRICAX IIU.MOUIl.
It vvas

of that number.
{|y

soon ascertained that not

more than twenty persons would take chances; but


these twenty agreed to take the
twenty-five cents eacli.

number of

shots at

The competitors now began


names; some
for one,

to

give

in

their

some

for

two,

tliree,

and

a fc\y for as
Billy

many

as four shots.
to

Curlew hung back was


of.

the

last,

and when

the

list

offered to him,

five lists

remained un-

disposed

'^IIow

many

shots

left

?" inquired Billy.

" Five," was the reply.


" Well, I take them
for
all.

Tut down four shots

me, and one

to

Lyman

Hall, paid for

by AVilliam

Curlew."
I

was thunderstruck; not

at

his proposition to

pay for

it as a token of friendship, and he would have been hurt

my

shot,

bncause that Billy meant

if

hud refused

to let

him do me

this favour;

but
as a

unexpected announcement of competitor for beef, at least one


the place of
I

at the

my name

hundred miles from

my

residence
for a

was prepared

challenge from

Billy to

some of

his neighbours for a private


this.

match upon

me, but not for


his

therefore protested against

putting in for me, and urged every reason to

SI I,

THE SHOOTING-MATCH.
dissuade

193

him from

it

that I could, without

wound-

ing his feelings.


Billy, with the authority of an emperor, and with a look that spoke volumes,

"Put

it

down," said

intelligible to every bystander.

"Reckon

don't

know what

Vm

about

Then, wheeling
:

off,

and

muttering in an under, self-confident tone old Roper," continued he, "if he


cross
to the north

"

Dang

don't knock that

corner

of creation,

and back

again, before a cat can lick her foot \"

Had

been king of the

cat-tribe, they could not

have regarded

me

with more curious attention than

did the whole company, from this moment. Every inch of me was examined with the nicest scrutiny;

and some plainly expressed, by their looks, that they never would have taken me for such
a bite. I

saw no

alternative,

but to throw myself upon a

third

chance-shot;

for,

though

!)y

the

rules

of

sport I

would have been allowed

to shoot

by proxy,

by

all

the rules of good-breeding I was


It

bound

to

shoot in person.

would have been unpardonable which had been raised

to disappoint the expectations

on me.
fered, in

Unfortunately too for me, the match difone respect, from those which I had been

in the habit of attending in

my younger
Q

days.

In

VOL.

I.

194
1^

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

olden-time, the contest was carried on chiefly with


shot-yuns, a generic term,

which,

in those
:

days,

embraced three descriptions of fire-arms

Indian-

traders a long, cheap, but sometimes excellent


kind of gun,
that

Mother Britain used

to

send

hither for traflSc with the

Indians the
so-called.

larye musket,

and the shot-gun, properly

Rifles were, however, always permitted to

comThese

pete with them, under equitable restrictions.

were, that they should be fired off'-hand, while the

shot-guns were allowed a rest, the distance being


equal
;

or that the distance should be one hundred


rifle

yards for the

to sixty for the shot-gun, the

mode

of firing being equal.


this

But

was a match of

rifles

exclusively

and

these are by far the most

common

at this time.

Most
which
is

of the competitors fire at the

same

target,

usually a board from nine inches to a foot


it

wide, charred on one side as black as

can be

made

by

fire,

without impairing materially the uniformity


is is

of its surface; on the darkened side of which

pegged, a
larger
or
it is

square piece of white paper, which


smaller,

according to the

distance

at

which
is

to be placed from the

marksmen.
it

This

almost invariably sixty yards, and for

the paper

1
a:
few

THE SflOOTING-MATCH.
is

195

reduced to about two and a half inches square.

Out of the centre of it is cut a rhombus of about the width of an inch, measured diagonally this is the bull's eye, or diamond, as the marksmen choose to call it; in the centre of this is the 1
cross.
t

every
taste;

man

is

permitted to

fix

his target to his

own

and accordingly, some remove one fourth of the paper, cutting from the centre of the square
to

the two lower corners, so as to leave a large opening from the centre downwards ; while others reduce the

angle more or less; but


all

it is rarely the case that are not satisfied with one of these figures. Th(> beef is divided into five prizes, or as they are

commonly termed,
counting as one.

five

quarters, the hide and tallow

several years after the revolutionary war, a sixth was added; the /6^^ which was shot in the match. This was the prize of the sixth best shot and it used ; to be carefully

For

extract. J

from the board, or

tree,

in

which

it

was lodged,

and afterwards remoulded. But this grew ou^t of the exigency of the times, and has, I believe, been
long since abandoned everywhere.

The three master shots and


Firmby,

rivals

were Moses
Curlew,
to

Larkin

Sj)ivey,

and

Billy

whom

was added, upon

this occasion, b)

.ommon

o 2

IPS
consent,

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
and with awful forebodings your humble
was
fixed at

servant.

The
three

target
feet

an elevation of about
the judges

from

the

ground; and

(Captain
stands
tors.

Turner and Squire Porter) by it, joined ])y about half

took
the

thdr

spceta-

The
^i-

first

name on
Mealy

the
stept

catalogue
out,
rifle rifle

was Mealy
in

Whitecotton.

hand,

and toed the mark.


inches longer than

His

was about three


his

himself,

and near enough

own thickness

to

make

the

remark of Darby

Chisholm, as he stept out, tolerably appropriate. ''Here comes the corn-stack and the sucker!" said Darby.

"Kiss

my

foot!"

said

Mealy;

^'the

way

I'll

creep into that bull's eye's a fact."


'^

You'd better creep

into your hind sight," said

Darby.
]Mcaly raised and fired.

''A pretty good shot, Meal," said one. " Yes, a blamed good shot \" said

a second.

" Well done. Meal


I

!" said a third.

was rejoiced when one of the company inquired,


is

"Where

it?" for

could

hardly believe they

THE SHOOTINO-MATCII.

197

were founding these remarks upon the evidence of


their senses.

"Just on the right hand of the


the
I
re])ly.

bull's eye,"

was

looked with

all

the power of
least

my

eyes,

but

was unable to discover the


surface of the paper.

change in the
however, was

Their report,
is

true-so much keener


than an unpractised eye.

the vision of a practised

in order was Hiram Baugh. Hiram some race-horses which I have secn-he was too good not to contend for every prize, and

The next
like

was

too good-for-nothing ever to win one.


v>

" Gentlemen,''

said he,
I'll

as he

came

to the mark,
if

"I

don't say that


I'll

win beef; but


paper, or be

my

piece

don't blow,
to do
it,

eat the

mighty apt

if you'll believe

my

rocket.

My

powder
it

are not

(from)

good powder, gcntlemcn-I bought Teb Dagget, and gin him three

thum

quarters

of a dollar a
call

pound

for

it

but
:

it

are not
if

what

good powder, gentleinen


burns
it

but

old

Buck-

killer

clear,

the boy you call


it."

Hiram Baugh

eats paper or

comes mighty near

said Mealy. "And be hanged, you and Teb Dagget, and your powder and Buck-killer, and your powder-horn and shot-pouch

"Well, blaze away!"

198
to boot
!

AMERICAN HU'OUR.

How

long you gvvinc stand tlmr talking

'fore

you shoot ?"


said Iliram,

" Never mind/'

I can talk a little

and shoot a
goes !"

little

too; but that's nothin'.

Here

Hiram assumed

the figure of a note of intcrro-

gation, took a long sight,


''

and

fired.

at the crack of the gun, without looking, or seeming to look towards

I've eat

j,aper/'

said

he,

the

target.
I,

"Buck-killer

made

clear

rocket.

Where am

gentlemen

'^You're just between Mealy and the diamond," was the reply.

m
I,

"

said

Fd

eat paper,

and

I've

done

it,

havu't

gentlemen ?"

^^And

s'pose

you have!"
to ?

said

Mealy,

'^vhat

do that amount
never did."

You'll

no'

win

beef,

and

"Be

that as

it

mout

be,

I've beat
call

Meal 'Cotton
Iliram

mighty easy; and the boy you


are able to do it."

Baugh

"And
to

what do that 'mount


!

to ?

Who

ain't able

beat Meal 'Cotton

I don't

make no pretence
:

of being nothing great no

how

but you always

makes out

as if

you were gwine

to

keep 'em making

crosses for you, constant;

and then do nothin' bu

THE SiroOTIXG-MATCII.
eat paper at
last;

199

and

that's a
]\Ical

long way from

eating beef 'cording to

'Cotton's notions, as

you

call

him

!"

Simon Stow was now

called for.

"Oh
have
it.

dear!" exclaimed two or three,


It'll

"now we
it

take

him

as long to shoot as

wwild

take Squire Dobbins to run a track o'land."

" Good-bye, boys," said Bob Martin.


" ^Vherc you going, Bob ?"
in my crop. I'll be back again though by the time Sime Stow shoots."

" Going to

gather

Simon was used


not
disconcert

to all this,
in

and therefore

it

did
oft,

him

the least.

He
set it

went

and brought

his

own

target,

and

up with

his

own hand.

He then wiped out his rifle rubbed the pan

with his

hat drew

a piece of tow through the touch-hole with

his wiper-filled his charger with great

care poured

the powder into his

rifle

with equal caution-shoved

with his finger the

two or three vagrant grains

that lodged round the

mouth of

his

piece took
all

out

a handful of

bullets looked

them
or

over

carefully selected one without

fli.w

wrinkle-

drew out
of

his

patching-found the most even part


in

it sprung upon the grease-box


rifle,

the breech

of his

greased side

downplaced

his ball ujion

200
it-prosscl
the neck a
it

AMEIUCAN HUMOUR.
a littlc-tlicn took
it up un.l turned more pcrpendiculurly downward-

little

placed his knife-handle on it-just buried mouth of the rifle-cut off the
just above the bulh-t-looked at
it

it

in the

redundant patching

and shook his

head
little,

in

token that he had cut

no one knew

much or too which sent down the balloff too

measured the contents of his gun with


second
fingers,

his first

and
the

on
his

the

protruding part of

ramrod-shook

head again to signify that there


little

was too much or too

powder-primed
tin over the

care-

fully-placed an arched piece of


sight to shade

hind

it-took

his

piece-got

a friend to

hold his hat over the foresight to shade it-took a very long sight-fired, and did'nt even eat
paper.

"My

piece was badly

ioad'ndr
ball.

said

Simon, when

he heard the place of his

"Oh, youdon^ttake man can shoot that's


is.

time,^'

said Mealy.
as

'^

No

in

such a hurry

you

I'd harc^

got to sleep 'fore I heard the crack

o' the guu.'^

The next was Moses

Firniby.

He

was a
:

trll,
it is

shm man,

of rather sallow complexion


fact,

and

a very singular
of the world
is

that though probably no part

more healthy than the mountainous

TUi; SHOOTINU-MATCII.
rcgi.)iis

301
haw,
:

of Georgia,

Ihc

niuuiitui.uHa-s
line

not

generally robust
arc,

i\mn. or

complexions
toil.

they

however, almost inexhaustible by


in

Moses kept us not long

suspense.
it

ll,s rifle

was already charged, and he fixed

upon the target

with a steadiness of nerve and aim that was astonishing to nie and alarniing to
all

the rest.

few seconds, and the report of his


death-like silence which j)revailed.

rifle

broke the

"

No

great

harm done yet,"


anxiety

said Sj.ivey, nmni-

fcstly

by an event which scen.ed to .nc better calculated to produce despair.


Finnby's
ball

relieved from

had cut the lower angle of the


line with the cross.

diamond, directly on a right

Three or four follow.u him without bettering his


shot;
all

of

whom, however, with one


to

exception,

" eat the paper."


Ifc

now came

Spivey's
in
his

tnni.

There was
or

nothing remarkable
lie took his

person

manner.

place, lowered
mitil
it

his rifle slowly


line

from a
the

perpendicular,

came on a

with

murk-held
fired.

it

there like a vise for a

moment, and

"Pretty seoigrous, but nothing killing yet," said Billy Curlew, as he learned the j)lace of
Spivey's
ball.

202

AMEIUCAN HUMOUR.
iippc,-

Spivcy's ball hud just broken the of the diamond, beating

angle
Its

Finnby

about half

width.

remarkable,

few more shots, in which there was nothing brought us to Billy Curlew.
Billy

tept out with


soai)-.stiek

much

confidence,

and brought the

to

an order, while he deliberately rolled

up

his shirt sleeves.

Had
I

judged

Billy's

chance
it

by the looks of
hopeless.

his gun,

should liave said

was

The stock of

soap-stick se(.mcd to have


it

been made with a case-knife, and had


tool

been, the
for its

would have been but a poor apology clumsy appearance.

hole in the breech served for a grease a cotton string assisted a single screw in holding on the lock, and the thiiublcs
box,

An augur

were made,

one of brass, one of

iron,

and one of

tin.

"Where's

Lark

Spive/s bullet?"

called

out

Billy to the judges, as


sleeves.

he finished rolling up his

''About

three

quarters

of

an inch from the

cross," was the reply.

" Well,

clear the

way

the soap-stick^s a coming,


there

and

she'll

be

along

in

among 'cm

pre-

sently."
Billy
I:
It

now planted

himself a-straddle,

like

an

THE SHOOTING MATCH.


"ncrtc.1

V,

slu>t

forward

hi. left

Inp,

drew

body buck to an angle of about


with

his

forty-five degrees

Jon-n

fixed her
Ills

soap-.stick, and upon the n.ark with an untrembling hand. sight was long, and the swelling

the plane of the horizon, brought his cheek close to the breeeh of old

muscles of

his left

arm

led

me

to believe that

he was lessen-

ing his chance of success with every half second that he kept it bnrdcned with his ponderous rifle; but it neither flagged nor wavered until soapstick made her report.

"Where am I?"
from before his eye.

said Billy,

as the

smoke

rose

side,"

my bead a /t'e//e " Now, Lyn.an, you see what the soap-stick can do. Take her, and show the boys how you used to do when you were a baby."
too fine,- said Billy.
I

just touched the cross on the lower was the reply of one of the judges. "I was afraid 1 was drawing

"You've

begged

to reserve

my shot
it

to the last

pleadin-

rather sophistically, that

was, in point of facT

one of

Billy's shots.

My

plea was rather indul-ed

than sustained; and the marksmen more than one shot commenced

who had taken

the second round.

204
Tliis

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

round was a manifest improvement upon the first. The cross was driven three times, once by Spivey, once by Firmby, and once by no less
a

personage than Mealy Whitecotton,

whom

chance

seemed

to favour for this


retaliate

time,

merely that he
;

might

upon Hiram Baugh


all sliape.

and the

bull's

eye was disfigured out of

The

third

and fourth rounds were


last

shot.

Billy

discharged his
parties

shot,

which
first

left

the rights of
choice,

thus; Billy Curlew


second,

and fourth

Spivey
fifth.

Firmby

third,

and

V^Tiitecotton

Some

of

my

readers

may be

curious

to

learn

how
all

a distinction comes to be of

made between
The
distinc-

several,

whom

drive the cross.

tion is perfectly natural

and

equitable.

Threads

are stretched from the uneffaced parts of the once interesting lines, by means of which the original position of the cross is precisely ascertained. Each

bullet-hole being nicely


It is

pegged up as
circumference.

it is

made.
this,

easy to ascertain

its

To

I believe, they usually, if not invariably,

measure
if

where none of the

balls touch the cross

but

the

cross be driven, they

measure from
a

it

to the centre

of the bullet hole.

To make

draw

shot, therefore,
it

between two who drive the cross,

is

necessary

'1

::1

THE SHOOTING-MATCH.

205

that the centre of both balls should pass directly through the cross-a thing that very rarely

happens.

The

bite alone
rifle

remained to shoot.

Billy wiped
Iiis

out his
skill,

carefully, loaded her to the top of


to

and handed her

me.

" Now/' said he, " Lyman, draw a fine bead, but not too fine; for soap-stick bears up her ball well.
and don^t touch the trigger until you've got your bead; for she's spring-triggered, and goes
care,

Take

mighty easy
want
her,

and

but you hold her to the place you if she don't go there, dang
old

Roper."
I took old soap-stick,

and lapsed immediately

into

the most hopeless despair.

I'm sure I never banlife.

died as heavy a

gun

in all

my
I,

"Why,
you!
for?"

Billy,-

said

"you

little

mortal,
this

what

do

you

use

such a gun as

" Look

at the bull's eye, yonder,'' said he. 1

"True," said I; "but


impossible."

can't shoot

her it
;

is

" Go
what

'long,

you old coon,"


at.

said Billy

I see

(Intimating that all this was merely to make the coming shot the more remark-

you're

206
able.)

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
-Daddy's
little

boy don't shoot anything

but the old

soai)-stick, here, to-day, I

know."

The judges,
and, Avithal,

knew, were becoming impatient,


situation

my

was growing more cm-

; so I e'en resolved to try the soap-stick, without further parley.

barrassing every second

I stept out,
fl

and the most intense


and
it

interest

was

excited all around me,

flashed like electricity

round the target, as


of
all

judged from the anxious gaze

in that direction.
fire

Policy dictated that I should


rifle,

with a falling
fire
, '

and

I adopted this

mode, determining to

as

soon

as the

sights

came on

a line

with the

diamond, bead or no dead.

Accordingly, I com;

menced lowering
all

old soap-stick

but,

in spite of

my

muscular powers, she was

strictly obedient

to the laws of gravitation,


W^
i

and came down with an


Before
I

uniformly
arrest her

accelerated

velocity.

could

downward

flight, she

had not only passed

the target, but was

making rapid encroachments on


weakest

my own
"

toes.

"VVhy, he's the

man

in the

arms

I ever

seed," said one, in a half whisper.

"Ic's

only

his

fun,"

said

Billy;

"I know

him."

THE SHOOTING-MATCH.
"It
looks
tree."
I

207

may be
mightily

fun/'
like

said

the
to

other,

"but

it

yearnest

man up
reverse

now, of course,
of
firing,

determined
forth
to

to
all

the

mode

and put

my

physical

energies

to

raise

soap-stick

the

mark.
to his

The
com-

effort silenced

Billy,

and gave tongue

panions.

had

just

strength enough to master

soap-stick's obstinate proclivity,

my

and consequently nerves began to exhibit palpable signs of diswith her


first

tress

imperceptible

movement up-

ward.

trembling commenced in
to

my

arms, increased

and extended rapidly


tremities, so that,

my

body and lower exI brought soap-stick

by the time

up

to

the mark, I was shaking from head to foot,

exactly like a

man under

the continued action of a

strong galvanic battery.

11

In

the meantime,

my

friends gave vent to their feelings freely.

"I

swear, point blank,"

said one,

"that man

can't shoot."

'^He used

to shoot well,"

said another;

"but

can't now, nor never could."

"You

better git

away from 'bout that mark,"


I'll

bawled a third; "for

be

d-d

if

Broadcloth

208
don't
,u;ivo

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
some of you the dry
gripes, if

yon stand

too close tliere."


"Tli(>

stranger's

got

tlic

Pcedodd/ca," said

fourth, witli h amorous gravity.

enough in his gun, he'd shoot a ring round the hull's-eye, big as a spinning-well/'
lie

" If

had

])ullets

said a fifth.

As soon
enough
(for

as
T

found that

soap-stick

was high

made no

further use of the sights,


I

than to ascertain this

fact),

pulled the trigger,

and
I

off she went.

have always found the most creditable way of

relieving

myself of derision,

was
Tt,

to

heighten

it

myself as nnieh as possible.


all circles,

is

good plan

in

but by far the best which can be adopted


plain,

among

the

rough farmers of the country.

Accordingly, I brought old soap-stick to an order with an air of triumph, tipped Billy the wink, and

observed

"

Now
)}

Billy's your time to

make your

fortune.

Bet 'em
cross

two to one that I've knocked out the

No,

I'll

be dod blamed

if

I do," said Billy

" but

I'll

bet

you two

to one that

you ha'nt

hit the

plank."

>i

THE SIloOTINO-MATCir.

t.ng,

209

or

never he,, r wo|,I I h,

^^,

W,
mjt,
r

f..r

,t ,s

speeie,

f ,,,,^. ,

,,

II

never

>,l,oot

for beef gin , ,^, , j

'V'M".,ai,,Me,,lyWhiteeon,"yo,,.nio,e no -reat thinga at thnt."

"

Well,-' .aid

r,T'reekoT know

a lite ,,,

J-l..n
"

le

wahhM
,

I^.s t.,e

,reate. take",,,

vo.'lcI,

when you
f,

Ano

learn to drive the cro,, wit,


,^,^

it

l,er

,,,,.^

,^^_^^_

^^ ^^^^
'

^^^-^

-Sl.t an,! .,,,,,.

^ ^^^

very yarn

""

f,)r

it."
^^,.^1

"Tell yo h,, ,t,,^,^ too hard for , all <ui, here W nere.

^
'

We
"

re y "
n' that

never hearn

sort o'

shoofn

in these parts

-'"-.-<> iJthTT'"'"'"^""''" m the boy that can do it,"


I

The
target,

had kept
result of

. ,^ app,h,.^ ,,^ ^^^ and a .ingnlar combination of circun.,anecs


J,,de,
all

.y
shot.

my

party in n.ter ignorance of the

VOL.

T.

210

AMi;UI(.\N

lUiMOliH.

Thosr about (he


grent shot from nic
;

tiiii;(>l

liad Ix-cii |)r(>|mir(l

for u

lluir cxpcctalions luid

mn-ivcd

assurance iVoin

the
;

courlcsy
nolhiui;'

which had hccn exhad


ha|)|)cn(>d

tended

to

Mie

and

to

disappoint them, hut

the sinf;le caution ap,aiust the


hav(<

"

<h*;

uriju's,"

which was as hkcly to


;

been

gi\en

in iiony as in canu\s|

for niy ap)uies unch'i-

(lie weii;-ht

of

*Iic

soap-stick were cither impercepthe

tible
bciuj;-

to tlu-m,
visibh',

at

distance of sixty yards, or


as

were taken

the

lh)urishcs of an

cxj)crt,

who wished

to " astonish the natives."

The
ball

other party did not think the direction of

my

worth the trouble of a


iiirs

(piestion

or

if

they did,

my

and harangues had put the


it

thonj^Hit to

lli^ht

before
all

was delivered.

Consequently, they wen;

transfixed

with astonishment, when the jud;^es


target
to

presented
served "
:

the

them,

and

gravely

ob-

It's

only second best,

afti-r all
1,

the fuss."

'Second best!" exclaimed


I;.

with unconlrolluble

transports.

The whole of my

jjarty

rushed to the target, to

have the evidence of their senses, before they would


believe

the report;
it

but most marvellous fortune


b('

decreed that
aiid

should

true.

Their incredulity

astonishment were most fortunate for me, for

TIMO Nllnorr
tlK'V

NO-MAT CM.
(li,

211
f('('li?i^'H

Minded

>iiy

licnrcrH

lo

I'nil

IVTd
(\-

willi

wliicli llic (xcliminlioii

"MM

Mll.'ird,

nd nllownl ino

''"'''^'''''''l'''n''''>vn.yNrirror,nal<in.Ml,rI (o

"Hc

)l

wlial,

liiid

Hnid hri'"''.

vvilli

,1

very

(he
Dccil
IIMlCII'llCP-

(Ii(r,.,.,;iit

ol ijccf.

Nm,d
despondency,
tHri;-el,

l.,s(!"

vvHvrnU'il

\,

will

>

ini

air

of
tl IC

as

fl '<'

roinpaiiy
best,

turned

f I'OIM

fo

ie

"

Hm)nd
ia

only!
:

Here
nI '<
^<

s,

or
ill)

Mi iiy.

in y

won,

take
I

(lie

N<ap-Ntiel<

frood to

>i'

piece,

but

tn

K'-ttni^'

too old ,hI

dini-si^rhf,.,]

dioot a
ball
iin
l<)nhl(! ibl

nll( (I(

^IXTiuliy

with

ti.o

,bp

si^dit

and

wabbles."
darn

^Vliy,
l>(d<

my
all

buttons

!"

said

M '"y, with

dit
iCrc
!-(',S

that baflles
I"

th 0, cross

d 'scnption; "ain't, you dr IV

Oh,

driv

tl le

erosM.

rejoirurd
^^,,

earl(;sH ly-

What's that?
do

J,,

,,,,^

"'c
i

my

ball

is

Ixji ve, in iriy soul, its cent '''


t

nieh from
lubl(

u (puirter of an
I

he cross.

wanted to
just as

tbc

ay th e eentn- of
if

bull(!t

upon the

CI OSS.

th ere with your


to lu

you'd put

it

fiuf^ (;rs.

S(!veral received th >is palav(;r with

a,

but

contempt UOMS,

vei

iipl"""j"''''i^<',

curl of to

tl 'f'

tunc
lity

Whitecotton

nose; and Mealy

offerc-d
lik (!

be t

half-a-pint,

"that

C(nddn't do the

a gin,

for

he didn't care what.

with no sort of wabbl es.

p 2

212
But
I

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
had
fortified

myself on this quarter by

my
me

morality.

decided majority, however, were clearly


I

of opinion that
as one of the

was serious

and they regarded

wonders of the world.

Billy increased
fully

the

majority

by now coming out


it

with
;

my
to

history, as

he had received

from his father

which
as

I listened, with quite as

any other one of

his hearers.

much astonishment He begged me to

he expressed " go home with him, and swap lies that night, and it shouldn't cost me a cent;" the true reading
it,

go home with him

for the night, or, as

of which
give

is,

that

if I

would go home with him, and

him the pleasure of an evening's chat abou

old times, his house should be as free to

me

as

my

own.

But

I could not accept his hospitality, withfive

out retracing

or six miles of the road which I

had
it.

already

passed;

and

therefore

declined

" Well,

if

you won't go, what must


?

I tell

the old
to hear

woman

for

you

for she'll be

mighty glad
silk

from the boy that won the


her; and I expect
she'll

handkerchief for
for not bringing

lick

me

you home with me."


" Tell her," said
of beef, which I
I,

" that

send her a quarter

won

as I did the handkerchief,

by

nothing in the world but mere good luck."

THE SHOOTING-MATCH.
Hold your jaw, Lyman/'
?wine to S^
tell

213
;

said Billy

J ain't a

the old ivoinan any such

lies

for she'l

a rael, reg'lar built Meth'dist."

As

turned to depart

theii lowering his voice to a confidential, but strictly audible tone: " What are you offering for ?" continued he

" Stop a minute, stranger/' said one;

I assured

him
I

was not a candidate for anyfallen in with

thing-that
Curlew,
^S

had accidentally
to
it

Billy

who begged me
;

come with him

to the

shooting-match

and

as

lay right on

my

had

road ' I

iL'opped.

"Oh,^'
you're up

said
for

he,

with

anything,
it,

conciliatory nod, "if you needn't be mealyall

mouthed about
for

^forc

us boys; for we'll

go in

you

here,

up to the handle.'^

"Yes,-

said Billy,

"dang

old Roper, if

we don't
If

go our deaths
ever

for you,

no matter who

offers.

you come out

for anything,

Lyman,

just let

the boys of

Upper Hogthief know

it,

and they'll go
tit

for you, to the hilt, against creation,


that's iatur."

or no

tit

thanked him kmdly, but repeated

my

assur-

ances.

The reader
Its

will

not suppose that the

district

took

name from

the character of the inhabitants.

In

#pi

21i

AiMEllICAN IIUMOUIl.
in the State, there is

almost every county


or
district

some spot
appel-

which

bears

contemptuous

lation, usually derived

from

local rivalship, or

from

a single accidental circumstance.

ii

TIIK

HOUSE SWAP.

215

no spot
uppeljv

from

xvir.

THE HORSE SWAP.

During
vilhige of

the session of the Superior Court, in the

, about three weeks ago, when a of people were collected in the principal street of the village, I observed a young man riding up and down the street, as I supposed, in a violent passion. He galloped this

number

way, then that,

and

then the other.


citizens,

Spurred his horse to one group of

then to another.

Then dashed

off at half

speed,

as if fleeing

from danger; and suddenly

checking his horse, returned-first in a pace, then a trot, and then in a canter. While he

was

performing

these

various

evolutions,

he cursed,

swore, whooped,

screamed, and tossed himself in

216

AMBIllCAN IIUJIOUB.

fuck.
",

lu

,|,,,^

1,^

^.^^.^^.^_,^

___^^^ n.,.,8nani,u,,| all


t|,.

'"",

"'"''''

'"

"" '""S-c, cxpr.,,.,


little

I l.avo dc^cibcd, d

,,,),

bo sfttiug

a .,,,^j

^^

,i|l

croutiou at defiance.
all

^
t"

'*-'"'-

that
little

,.,iij, I

j,t-^j
aU
to

lake a ,,oitiou u

,.. t
it

l,i,.,,

a^ccta,,,, ifpo.ible, wl,ut

wa that

affceted

so ,en.uly

him

Ac.c,.disly,

before wluoa he had ,to,,,,cd

ap,,achc.d a crowd
fo.-

e.,nu,ed

a u.ou.e.u, and

it

with

the
it

trietc.t

^c-rutiny.

could .cc nothing in


1..".'

But I

o be

that seen.cd to have anyto do with the cavorter. Evc-y n.an

appeared

a good l,,ur, and

all

minding

their

bn.,ne..

Not one
Stiil

own

much

a,

noticed the prin-

"11 hgure.
pause, wh.eh
ior he eyed

he went on.

After a

.enncln

my

u,,pearancc scorned to

me

elosely a X

a whoop, and swore that "he could out-swap any


or ch,U, that ever walked th or that ever straddled horsc-tlesh since the days of old daddy Adam."
've

produceapproached-he fetched

n,an,

woman

Mh,

"Stranger," said he to

me "did

v,.,,

the -iallow Blossom from Jasper ?"

"No,"

said

hut I have

often

heard of

THE HORSE SWAP.


tt

2! 7
a /..//.

T'".

the boy/' continued he


/ec'tle

-^ perhaps

-Jist a
ever
I
,

t;

,1

of the best .nn, at a h( )rsc swap, that shoe-leather."


feel

be ^'gJin to
^ I

"^y sit'iHtion a

little

was relieved by a nmn sonievhat advanced ;ny;m-s, who stepp.-d p and began to survey
the
y^lloia

when

awkward

mos...nW'

,,,,,e

,vith

n.uch

apparent

mten.st.

turned the conversation from n,e to the

This drew the rider's attention, ar.d he


,stran.ver

"Well,

my
?"

old 'eoon/' said he,

swap

"do you want

to

/losses

"Why,
one,
if

I don't kno,v," replied the strangerg,.t

beheve I've

"I

beast

IM

tra<le

you

like

him "

with you for that

"Well, f.teh up your nag,


wanted

my

old cock
I

^ou're

Jist tlic lark T

to get hold of.

am
at

perhaps
a horse

a leetle, jist a /..//., of the best

man

swap, that ever stole cracklms out of his


fat-gourd.

mammy's

Where's your hoss ?"


hiru

"Til bring

mine your horse a


^^Oh! look
at

presently; but I want to exa-

little."

him," said the Blossom,


a

alightin^^

and hitting him


best
piece

cut,

'Mook
in

at

him.

He's the
united

of hoss f!..h
There's

the
sort

thirteen
o'

universal worlds.
little

Bullet.

He

mistake in can pick up miles on his feet

no

218
and
fling

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
'em behind
hitn as fast as the next

man's
he

hoss, I don't care

where he comes from.

And

can keep at
resting."

it

as long as the sun can shine without

During

this

harangue,
it all,

little
it,

Bullet looked as if

he understood

believed
it.

and was ready

at

any moment to
countenance,
;

verify

He was

a horse of goodly

of vigilance than though an unnatural appearance of fierceness was thrown into it, by the loss of iiis ears, which
fire

rather expressive

had been cropped pretty

close to his head.

Nature

; but he managed, in a great measure, to hide their defects, by bowing perpetually. He had obviously

had done but

little for

Bullet's

head and neck

suffered severely for corn ; but if his ribs and hip bones had not disclosed the fact, he never would have done ,. ; for he was, in all
respects, as cheerful
all

and happy as

if

he commanded
in

the corn-cribs

and fodder-stacks
about twelve

Georgia.

His

height was

hands;

but as his shape partook

somewhat of that

oi the giraffe, his

haunches stood

much

lower.

They were
tail,

short,

strait,

peaked and

concave.
all

Bullet's

however, made amends for


to

his defects.
it,

All that the artist could do


all

beautify

had been dune; and


artist,

that horse could

do to compliment the

Bullet did.

His

tail

THE HORSE SWAP.


was ,cked

319
line

m superior
,y

style,

of beauty , ,0
fa.l to h,t

and exhibited the


.^

ji^^^,.^^^^ ^^^^

^^^^^ ^^^

From

the most fastidious taste in some of them.


it

the root

a handsome eurva; then resumed its first du-eefon; and then mounted suddenly upwards like a cypress knee, to a perpendicular of about two

then rose

dropped into a graeeful festoon

andahalfinehes.
bewitchmg

The whole had a

careless

and

inclination to the right.

Bullet obviously

knew where
it

his

beauty

ook

lay,

and

all

occasions to display

age. If a stick cracked, or if any one moved suddenly about him, n.coughed, or hawked, or spoke a httle louder .ban common, up went Bullet's ta.l bke hghtning; and if the goin, up did not please, the coming down must

to the best advan-

was as
ts

of necessity, for

it

different

Areetion.

t.me-then

himself that nothing in particuW was to be done; when he commenced dropping it by half mehes, in second beats-then in trippie
faster

untd ho

usually to an angle of frty.five degrees. In th,s position he kept his interesting appendage,
satisfied

up^d;

from the other movement, as was Theiirst, was a bold and rapid
flight

and
it

shorter,

and

shorter still;
t.bly

until

fial,y died

faster and away imperccp.


',,

mto

.ts

natural position.

If I might

*>

oon

AMElllCAN HUMOUR.
its

sights to sounds^ I should say


like

settling

was more
else

the note of a

locust than

anything

in

nature.

Either from native sprightlincss

of disposition,

from uncontrollable

activity,
flies

or from an unconquer-

able habit of removing


feet.

by the stamping of the


but always kept up

Bullet never stood

still;

a gentle fly-scaring movement of his limbs, which

was peculiarly

interesting.

"

I tell

you, man," proceeded the Yellow Blossom,


live

" he's the best


Georgia.

hoss that ever trod the grit of


the hoss.

Bob Smart knows


this

Come

here,

Bob, and mount


motions."

hoss

and

show

Bullet's

Here, Bullet bristled up, and looked as

if

he had

been hunting

for

Bob

all

day long, and had just


his back.

found him.

Bob sprang on
!"

" Boo-oo-oo,
of the lips
;

said

Bob, with a fluttering noise


if

and away went Bullet, as


all his

in

quarter race, with

beauties spread in hand-

some

style.

" Now

fetch

him back,"

said

Blossom.

Bullet turned and came in pretty

much

as

he

went "

out. trot

Now

him by."
tail to

Bullet reduced his

" customary"

sidled

THE HORSE SWAP.


to

221

the right and loft airily, and exhibited at least three vaneties of trot, in the short space of fifty yards.

" Make him pace

\"

Bob commenced
at the

twitching the bridle and kickin--

same

time.

These inconsistent movements

obviously (and most naturally) disconcerted Bullet for it was impossible for him to learn,

from them'
still.

whether he was to proceed or stand


started to

He

He He

do attempted a canter-and was checked again. stopt~and was urged to go on.


Bullet

trot-and was

told

that wouldn't

ow

rushed into the wide

field

of experiment, and struck


ii

out a gait of his own, that con.pletcly turned the


tables

'I

upon
It

his

rider,

and certainly deserved a

patent

seen.ed to have derived

trom the

j.g,

was not a pace,

its elements the minuet, and the cotillon. If it


it

certainly

had pace

in

it

man would
passed
ofi"

and no
;

venture to callit any thing else to the satisfaction of the

so

it

owner

''Walk him!"
Bullet was
as if money

now

at

home again; and he walked

was staked on him.

The stranger, whose name I afterwards learned was Peter Ketch, having examined Bullet to his
heart's

content, ordered his son

Neddy

to

go and

223
bring up Kit.

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Neddy soon appeared upon Kit


size,

a well-formed sorrel of the middle


order.

and

in

good

His tout ensemble threw Bullet entirely in


;

the shade

though a glance was

sufficient to satisfy

any one, that Bullet had the decided advantage of

him in point of intellect. " AVhy man," said Blossom, " do you bring such
a boss as that
to

trade for Bullet?

Oh,

see

you're no notion of trading."


''

Ride him

off,

Neddy

said Peter.
lope.

Kit pnt

off at a

handsome

" Trot him back


Kit came in
;>

V
sweeping
trot,

at a long,

and stopt

suddenly at the crowd.

"Well,"

said Blossom,

"let

mc

look at

him;

maybe

he'll

do

to

plough."
!"

" Examine him

said Peter, taking hold of the

bridle close to the mouth.

" He's nothing but a


a

tacky.

He

an't as
he'll
fifty

pretty
Start
;

horse

as Bullet,
for

know; but
hundred and
ahead of him

do.

'em together

mile

and

if

Kit an't twenty mile

at

the coming

out,

any

man may

take

Kit for nothing.


horse, gentlemen
;

But

he's

monstrous
see that.

mean
He's

any man may

the scariest horse, too,


to

you ever saw.

He

won't do

hunt on, no how.

Stranger^ will you let

Neddy

THE HOUSE SWAP.


have your
rifle

223

to shoot off

him

Lay the

rifle

between his
that

ears,

Neddy, and shoot


l..

at the blaze in

stump.

Tell

when

his

head

is

high

enough."

Ned
move a

fired,

and

hit the blaze

and Kit did not

hair's breadth.

" Neddy, take a couple of sticks and beat on that hogshead at Kit's tail."

Ned made
in

tremendous

rattling;

at

which
ofi*

Bullet took fright, broke his bridle and dashed

grand

style

and would have stopt


in disgust,

all

farther

ncgociatious,

by going home

had not a
:

traveller arrested

him and brought him back

but

Kit did not move.

"

I tell you,

gentlemen," continued Peter, " he's


;f^'

the scariest horse you ever saw.


as Bullet
;

He

an't as gentle
if

but he won't do any harm

you watch

hnn.

Shall I put

him

in a cart,

gig,

or

wagon

for

you, stranger?

He'll cut the

same capers there

he does here.

He's a monstrous mean horse."


this

During

all

time.

Blossom was examining

him with the


his
eyes.

nicest scrutiny.

Having examined
at

frame

and

limbs,

he

now looked

his

" He's got a curious look out of his eyes," said Blossom.

224

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
'^

" Oil yes, Sir/' said Peter,


bat. a

just as blind as a

Blind horses always have clear eyes.


at his eyes, if
so,

Make
head

motion

you

please. Sir."

Blossom did
rather as
if

and Kit threw up

his

something pricked him under the chin,

than as

if

fearing a blow.

Blossom repeated the

experiment, and Kit jirked back with considerable

astonishment.

" Stone
Peter
;

blind,

you

see,

gentlemen," proceeded
travel of a

" but he's just as good to


if

dark

night as

he had eyes."

" Blame

my

buttons," said Blossom, "

if I like

them eyes."
" No," said Peter, " nor
I either.

I'd

rather
if

have 'em made of diamonds;


they don't show as
j

but they'll do,

much

white as Bullet's."
at

"Well," said Blossom, "make a pass


" No," said Peter
;

me."

" yoa made the banter, now

make your

pass."
afraid to

"Well, I'm never

price

my

bosses.

You must
"

give

me
;

twenty-five dollars boot."

Oh

certainly
in.

say

fifty,

and

my
son,

saddle

and

bridle

Here,

Neddy,

my
I've

take

away

daddy's horse."
C
I

" Well," said Blossom, "

made my

pass,

now

you make yours."

THE HORSE SWAP.


" I'm for short talk in a horse swap
;

225 and there-

fore always tell a gentleman, at once, wliat I


to do.

mean

You mast

give

me

ten dollars."

Blossom swoio absolutely, romidly, and profanely, that he never would give boot.

"Well,"

said

Peter,

-I

didn't

care

about
that
1

trading; but you cut such

high

shines

; and I've done Gentlemen, you see I've brought him to a hack."

thought I'd

like

to back

you out

it.

"Come,

old

man,"
I

said

Plossom,

^^'ve been

joking with you.


trade;
Bullet,

begin to think you do want to

therefore give

me

five

dollars

and

take

rd

rather lose ten dollars, any time, than

a trade; though I hate to fling avvj-y a good boss."

not

make

" Well," said Peter, "


Just put the
five dollars

I'll

be as clever as you

are.

on Bullet's back and hand

him

over,

it's

a trade."
before, that

Blossom swore again, as roundly as he would not give boot ; and, said he
:

" Bullet wouldn't hold

five

dollars
if

on his back

no how.

But

as I bantered you,

you say an even

swap, here's at you."

now

"I

told you," said Peter,

"I'd be

as clever as
for

you; therefore, here goes two dollars more, just


VOL.
I.

226
trade sake.

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
Give

mc

three dollars, and

it's

a bar-

gain."

Blossom repeated

his

former assertion

and here

the parties stood for a loni; time,


^xor

and the by-standcrs


to taunt
it

many were now

eolleeted,)

began

both

parties.

After some

time, however,

was

})retty

unanimously decided that the old man had backed

Blossom

out.

At length Blossom swore he "never would be


backed out,
for

three

dollars,

after

bantering a

man;" and
" Now,"

accordingly they closed the trade.


said Blossom,

as he

handed Peter the

three dollars, " I'm a man, that

when he makes
make

a
a

bad

trade,

makes the most of


for

it

until he can

better.

I'm

no rues and

after-claps."

"That's just
to law to

my way," said mend my bargains."

Peter;

"I never goes

" Ah, you're the kind

of boy I love to trade with.

Here's your boss, old man.


bridle
off'

Take the saddle and


yours; but
lift

him, and

I'll

strip

up the

blanket easy from Bullet's back, for he's a mighty

tender-backed boss."

The
stuck

old
fast.

man removed

the saddle, but the blanket


it,

He

attempted to raise
tail,

and Bullet
little,

bowed

himself, sw itched his

danced a

and

gave signs of biting.

THE HORSE SWAP.

227
said

"Don't hurt
r.-ehly;

him,

old

num,"
I

JJlossom
Icctle

''take

it

off easy.

am, perhaps, a

of the best
'coon."

man

at a liorsc-swap that ever catclicd a

Peter continued to

j)ull at

th(!

blanket more and

more roughly

and

liullet

became more and more

cavortisk: in so much, that


off,

when

the blanket

came
good

he

had

reached

the

kicking

point

in

earnest.

The removal of the blanket,


Bullet's

disclosed a sore on
all

back-bone, that seeined to have defied


skill.

medical

It

measured
;

six full inches in length,

and four
Bullet
sight
;

in breadth

and had

as

many

features as

had motions. and

My

heart

sickened at

the

I felt that the brute

who had been riding

him

in that situation, deserved the halter.

The
mirth.
old

prevailing

feeling,

however,

was

that

of

The laugh became loud and


and
rustic

general, at the

man's expense;

witticisms

were

liberally

bestowed upon him and his late purchase.

These, Blossom continued to provoke

by various
he thought

remarks.

He

asked the old man, "


lie

if

Bullet would let five dollars

on

his back."

He

declared most

seriously, that

he

had owned that


never
discovered

horse

three

months,

and

had

Q 2

:,-.,

228

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

before that he had a sore back, "' or he never should


I

have thought of trading him," &c., &c.

The old man bore


phic

it

all

with the most philoso-

composure.
discovery,

He

evinced no

astonishment at
n^plies.

his late

and made no

But

his

son,

Neddy, had not disciplined

his feelings qnite

80 well.

His eyes opened wider and wider, from


the last pull of the blanket
;

the

first to

and when

the whole sore burst npon his view, astonishment

and fright seemed


s

to contend for the mastery of his

countenance.
his

As

the blanket disappeared he stuck

hands

in his

breeches pockets, heaved a deep


into

.sigh,

and lapsed

profound reverie

from

which he was only roused by the cuts

at his father.

He

bore them

long as he could

and when he
a

could contain

'.iniself

no longer, he began, with

certain wildness of expression,


interest to

which gave a peculiar

what he uttered

" His back's mighty bad


soul
if

off,

but dod drot

my

he's put

it

to

daddy

as

bad as he thinks he

has, for old

Kit's both blind

and

deef, I'll

be dod

drot

if

he eint."
is,'
'

" The devil he

said Blossom.

" Yes, dod drot

my

soul

if

he eint.

You walk
it

him and

see if

he

eint.

His eyes don't look like

*^v,^

TUB UOHSE SWAP.


but hcjist as
live

229

go agin the house with you, or in

a ditch, as anyhow.

Now you go try him/' The laugh was now turned on Blossom
to test the fidelity of the
little its

and
boy's

many rushed
report.

few experiments established

truth,

beyond controversy.

"Neddy,"
to try things.
says.

said

the

old

man, "you oughtn't


with
little

and make people


Stranger, don't
If

discontented

their

mind what the


rid of

boy
little

you can only get Kit

them

failings, you'll find

him
man,

all

sorts of a horse.

You
11
Come,

arc a ketle the best


I got

at a horse swap, that ever

hold of; but don't fool away Kit.

Neddy,

my

son, let's be

moving; the stranger seems

to be getting snappish."

230

AMERICAN IH.MOUU.

1i
,

xvrii.
i

TIIIUOK

ClIANCKS
has three

I'OH

VVII-'B.

WiiKN

man

c .anres for
if

n wife,
fail.

it

is,

indeed, a hfird niisclianee


followinij:
is

lie

should

The
have

one of those cases which


I

ini^'ht

occurred down east, hut


similar event

am

ratlu^r douhtl'ul if a
in

was ever
Hut
let

known
nie give

any

oth<;r part

of the world.

the experience of

the gentleman,

who

had three chances, in his

own

language

"

once courted a gal


I

hy the
to

uairu;

of

l)ch

TIawkins.

made

it

up
to

get

married.
f

Well,
stepped

while we was going

n])

th(>,

de;.'. ri's
spat^^er-''!

my
all

foot into a

mud

])uddle,

and

the

mud

over

Ueh Hawkins' new gown, made

out of her

r.i

TIlUKi:

(IIANUCS

lOll A

WIl'K.

281

gnimliiKtllH'r'H old
{j;(>l

'\v\\\./.

|uittif(>iit.
if

Well when we
nIu-

to tin*

(l(!iic<)ii'N,

\\i\

nskcd Dch

would take

11
I'

inc for hci' liuvl'ul wcdih'd liiislxuid ?

*" No,'
"
'

HiiyH she,

'

idiiin't

|(

iiOHurli lliiiig.'
?'

Wliiit oil airth Ik tlu- miHoti

wiyH
a

i.

"

Why/
it

says

hIh",

'

I've

tiikcii

iiiiHld%in'

to

you.'

"Well,

was
ol'

all

up with

uu"

lieu, liut

jjjive

her a stiinj^
iiolioiiM,

heads, a few
it

kiK:^<s,
;

homic

other

aud uuidc

all

ii|i

with her
time.

so w(> weut
I

up

to the (h'a(!on'(4 a to

seeoiid

was detcr-

luiued

conic up to
\\n\ if
I

her this tiuu-, ho

when

tlu-

dcfUMui ask('d

would take her


I
;

for

my

law-

fully vveddcii wile, says

*" No,
'
'

shan't do no such thing.'


Del),
'

Why,' says

what

on

airth

is

the

W5i

matter
"
'

V
hy,' says
I,
'

hav(! takisn a inislikin' to

you

now.'

" Well there

it

wa-t all

up

iif^ain,

hut

gave

iier

new
vv(!nt

ii|)ron, iuid

lew other

little

trink('ts,

and we

\ip iii^ain

to get uuu-ried.

We. expectiul then


all

we would he
H(!par
>',

tied

so

t'ast

that

ruiture

couldn't
if

us,

and when we anked the deacon

ho

wouldn'; nuury us he said:

"

'

No,

Hhun't

dew any Hueh

tiling.'

232
ff f

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Why, what on

airth

is

the

reason

says

we.

" ' Why,^ says he,


on you/
" Deb burst out
scoldin',

'

Fve taken a

mislikin' to both

cryin^,

the

deacon burst out

and

I burst out laughin',

and

sich a set of

reg'lar busters

you never did

see."

''

<

'

-^
I

'-.

VI

1
THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.
says

1)1

233

both

out

set

of

>l

XIX.
THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.
A YARN, BY A CAPE CODDER.

Do

I b'leve in the sea-sarpint ?

You might

as

well ax

me

if I

b'leved in the compass, or thought


lie.

the log could

Fve never seed the


them waters
on

critter

myself, cos I haint cruised in

as

he

locates himself in, not since I started

my

first

voyage in the
but
I

'

Confidence' whaler, Captain Coffing

recking Fve got a brother as hails from


year,

Nahant, that sees him handsome every

and

knows the

latitude

and longitude of the be? st, just


o'

as well as I
o'

knows the length

the futtock shrouds

the foretops.

234

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
see a

Did you ever

marmaid

AYaell,

then, I

reckon you'd best shut up, cos I have, and

many

on 'em

and marmen
all

too,

and marmisses and mar-

masters, of

sizes,

from babbies not bigger nor


six-feeters,

mackrcls to regular
full-grow'd porpus.
party,
critters
bilin'

with starns like a

I've been at a

marmaid's tea-

and

after larnin'

the

poor ignorant scaly

how

to splice the main-brace, I left the hull

on 'em blazin' drunk.


see,

You
Arches,
t.-ater,

when our

craft

was

cruisin'

up the

we

cast anchor one mornin' in pretty deep

just abrest of a small green island as wasn't


in the chart,

down

and hadn't got no name, nyther.


arter,

But our capting know'd what he was


as right as niuepence, cos a small

abeout

skewner came

alongside pretty sunc, freighted with brandy and

wine for the

officers, v^liat

they'd ordered for their

own
S'l
li

private stores.

Waell, the slings was run up

to the

end

o'

the main-yard, and the waisters were

busy

hoistin'

up the

barrils,

when
it

a cask

o'

brandy

slipped

from the slings

as

was being canted


sea, sinkin'
it

round, and dropped right splash into the


right away.
'

Upon

'zaminationing the mjinifest,


o'

proved to be the best cask


1

brandy

in the skewner,

imported from Boardo direct for the capting himself.

i:i

;i

THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.

235
"look

"You
here
!

ctarnal
all

lazy

suckers,"

said

he;

take

the boats' anchors, lash 'cm too'

gether in tews so as to form grapnels


each, and drag
all

four pints

about here for that


it,

ar'

brandy

and mind you find


of you

or

I'll

put every mother's son


o'

on short allowance

rye

for the

next

month."
Waell, the boats was ordered out, and a gropin^

we went.

was placed in the

jolly,

with

Sy

Davis and Pete Slinks, and a middy to

direct.

The middy was


and
the
says
jest

a pretty considerable smart fellow,


puttin'
off,

as

we was
as

he nodded up to
side,

'.J

chaplin

was leanin' over the

and

" AVhat say you


glassy sea ?"

to

an hour's

float

upon

this here

The parson was down

by the man ropes

in

a minnit, and off we sot a fishin' for the brandy


tub.

The current run pretty


little island,

slick

by the

side

o'

the

and the second

luff,

who was

in

the

cutter, ordered us to

go a-hcad and watch along the

shore jest to see

if

the tub warn't rolled up there

by the

tide.
till

We

pretended to look right hard for


lee o' the island,
it

the tub,
if

we made the

and then
the

we

didn't resolve to take

easy and run

236
noose
o^

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
the jolly into the yaller sand
o^

the shore,

there ain't no snakes.

I held on in the starn

by

the grapnel, and the parson pulled out of his pocket a good-sized sample bottle o' the

new

stuff as

heM

jest bought,

and wanted the middy


on the
stiff

to

taste and
chaplin
I tell

arter passin' their ideas

lickcr, the

men a pretty you-and first-rate it


parson's tongue like
all

gave us

horn a piece, now


I

was,

swow.

It iled the

out doors-it took

him

to
o'

talk-all abeout the old original anteek names


the islands that laid in spots
all

about thar' classic

ground, as he called
spin tew.

it,

and a pretty yarn he did

Then the middy, who'd been keepin' dark and


layin' low all this time,

show'd his broughtens-up,

and

let

fly

a hull broadside at the parson about syringes

them
ming.

ar'

and

other

fabblus

wim-

all this here talk made us dry as thunder; so the chaplin said he guessed the 'sun was over the fore-yard, and baled us

Waell, you see,

out another
a "spell

horn o'licker

all

round.

Then he took

ho

!" at the jawin' tackle,

and allowed there was a


all

river in Jarminy,

where

our Dutch imegrants


gall

hails from,

and that a naked

used to locate

herself in a whirlpool, and

come up on moonshiney

THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.


nights and sing a hull bookful
the heads o'
all

237

o' songs, as

turned
parts.
o'

the

young

fellers

in

them

Waell, reports ruz up as she'd a hull cargo

gold

stowed away

at th(>

bottom

o'

the whirlpool, and


gall's

many

a wild

young Jarman, seduced by the


o' gold,

singin'

and hopes

lept into the river,

and

warn't heerd on never arter.


the

These matters hurt


folks,

young

gall's kariter,

and the old

who'd

always allowed that she was a kind of goddess, began to think that she warn't the clear
grit,

and

the

young

fellers

said her

singin'

was no great
it

shakes,

and that her beauty warn't the thing


a

was

cracked up to be.

There was
that
castle

famous general, who wasn't raised


country,

in

section o' the

but had swapped a


for

on a mountain in Spain
lots

one

o'

them

ar'

water

near the whirlpool;


o'

he began to find

himself rayther short

cash to buy his groceries,

leetle

and concluding that he couldn't dew without a whiskey to keep off the aguy, resolved to pay
visit, and jest see if he couldn't soap the young critter out of a leetle rhino.

the whirlpool gall a


soft

Next

full

moon, he

tortles to the bluff

what hung

over the bilin' and foamin' river, and jest at eight


bells,

up ruz the

gall,

stark

naked, a

sittin'

on

238
the wliito IVoth

AAIKUICAN
u' tlic

lIU-MOUtt.

wliirlin'

watc:,

and singing

" Won't
for

yoii

com

to

my

bower what Fve shaded

you ?"

" Wndl," says the gincial, not a bit daunted says lie, " look hcri-, my gall I mean to eat a
:

lobster

if you promise to behave like a lady, and won't cut up no

salad

with

you

to-night,

shines."
^\aell,

the

gall give her

word

o'

honour,

and

the gineral dove into the whirlpool, and

down they

went right

slick.

Next mornin', the gineral was found

to

hum

with a sight cr old gold pieces, bigger round than


the top of a backer-box, and a hull pot full o' the
tallest

kind

o'

jewels

you

see,

the sojer had carried

a small flask of Monongahely in his pocket, and the


river gall couldn't git over the old

rye tew
let

glasses

opened her heart,


slip

I guess,

and she

the gineral

his cable in the mornin' with just abeout as

much

gold as he could stow away.


o' his friends kalkilated as

Some

he'd better drop

his anchor thai-'

agin and
up

there was

some

talk in

the settlement of formin' a jynt-stock


'

company

for

the purpose

o'

gettin'

all

the

gold but
enough

the
for

gineral tell'd 'em he guessed he'd got

11

:i

MMni

mmmam

THE YANKEE AMONOST THE

MEIIMAIIIS.

239
not to

him, and he send quite enough down

tliar'

want
he

to

go no more;
.seen,
it

and
'em

rofusin'

to

say what

had
to

or

tell

how they
the

was

to

go

work,

kinder

stopped

jynt-stock
lii

company.

The

river

gall

she

fell

quite in

love

with the
bilin'

gineral right

up

to the hub,

and

sot

on the

water night arter night,

singin',

"Meet me by

and
they

moonlight alone
her drowned
he,
first

but the gineral said he'd see afore he trust her agin for, says
never deceived twyst,'' which
uuid,

"No woman was

riled the river gall

like

and
all

in revenge

she
if

sot

the whirlpool a bilin' like

11

creation,

as

resolved to keep the neighbourhood in hot water. From the sarcumstance of the; gincral's gettin' so

much
name

gold out
its

o'

the

riv(n-

the Jarmins called

it

the

Rhino, and

been known by somethin' like that

ever since.
his yarn,

Wlien the chaplain had expended


that he was the raal grit for a
as he'd be

he

sarved out another allowance o' licker.

I reckindoni''

parson-always

done by, and

practisin' a

darned sight

more than he preached.


says he, " to drink

"'Taint Christian-like,"
self,

by one's

and a

raal tlr

never objects to share his grog with a shipmate."

240
Them'
nn-a-

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
Bunker
Flill

sentiments, and

kinder touch the bottom of a sailor's heart

The middy then uncoiled another length


abeout the fabbelus

o'

cable
it

wimming

o'

the sea, and said

were a tarnation pretty

idea, that

them angels from


keep watch over
tolled a

hewing

as ruled the airth should

the treasures o' the water.


consarnin' the capting of a

Then he

yarn

marchantman

as

was

trading in the South Seas, layin' at anchor, becalmed,

one Sunday mornin' abeout


hail

five bells,

when
o'

a strange

was heard from under the bows

the craft, and

the hands on deck as answered the hail seed some-

body

in

the

vater with jest his head

and arms

stickin' out,

and holdin' on

to the dolphing striker.

Waell, I guess they pretty soon throw'd him a rope and hauled him aboard, and then they seed he

was

a regular built

marman, one

half kinder nigger,

and

tother half kinder fish, but altogether


fish

more kinder

So, as I was tcllin' you, they got him aboard, and he made an enquerry arter

than kinder nigger.

who come out o' his cabing, and the marman made him a first-rate dancin'-skeul bow,
and says
in

the capting,

ginnewine English

Hi

" Capting, I sorter recking


your kalkilation
as
this

it

ain't entered into

here

is

Sabber-day,

for

i!'?;

Ili^

THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAILS.

241

o'

yoiiVc dropped your tarnal big anchor right in front our nicctiu'-house door, and our fplks
can't go to

prayers."

Waell, the capting was raythcr taken aback, and


the cahn, you see, overlayin'
latitude,

him

in tliat thar' hot

had

sot

his back

up above a bit; and


bein'
so,

besides that, he felt considerable streeked at

roused

out

o'

his

mornin's nap for nothin';


sorter wolfish,

altogether he

felt

and lookiu'
:

at the

strannger darned savagcrous, says

" \\'ho in creation are you ?"


This here speech put the marman's dander up, for he says right sassy

"

guess

Pm

appinted deacon over


in

all

the mar-

mans and marmaids


jest

these here parts, and Fll

trouble you to treat

me

with the respect due

tew a strannger and a gentleman."


Waell,
I

recking

the

capting's

ebeneser ivas

roused, for he seized hold of a harpoon that was


layin'

on the fowksell, and hollered

to the

mar-

man

" You fishy vaggybund, make tracks out


ship,

o'

my

you sammony-tailed son of a sea-cook, or Fll

drive the grains slick through your scaly carkiss, I


will."

VOL.

I.

242
Wiu'll,
(limiif,'(M',

AMKKICVN
tlu!

in'MOfll.

v.riUvv

siriii'

as

the

ciiptiiif;

nirmif

miulr hut one flop with


side o' Mic ship

liis tail,ii:iil

Hkcctcd
nij)-

over
tiiij"-

tlic
(li<l

into the water.

The

not wci--:

anrln)r, nor nothin', nnly (hiring;-

the

nii;-ht

the cahh- was cut by the marnicn, jmuI the

ship drifted on tew a korril reef, and rubbed a tarnal


bis; lioh" in

her phudvin'.
a j;ood yarn," said

"That's
b'h've
it's

the parson,

"and

true as

f.-ospel.

Nothin's inipossibh-

in

natur, and the Indl


fi
'.

o'

these stranji:e (ixins as w(;

hear

tell

(ui,

is

nothin'

more than

links

in

the

alnii-hty j-Teat chain cable of universal natur'.


IS

Hats the link o' betweenity as connects the naturs o'


o'
tin;

fowls o' the air and the beasts

field.

S(!als

and

alli-^iitors

links the naturs o' beasts


Iridvs

and

fishes.

Babbo(ms and apes

beasts with

humans; ami
links

why should
humans and
siij;nal

not

nnu-maids be the
o'

between

the fishes

the sea

Hut there's the

for the boat's return; here's jest a little horn


tlic

a i)icce in

bottle let's

lieker one;

more round,

and then absquattle."

We

pulled quietly back to the ship.

The; barrel
I

of brandy

had not
if

be(!n fouiul,

and
fly

wish

may be

sniggered

the capting did not


I

intu the biggest

kind

o'

quarter-deck passion

ever did see.

He

TIIK

YANKKK AMONOST
^muis

TIIK

MKRM AIDS.

13

Stormed

f^iriit

mid liml Imll broadHi.I.s


that,

at Mi
)

boat' H crews,

8vv ariti'
th,.

(licy
il'

hliould
it

kcfj
tin-

oil

dmlgin'till

Iul)was loimd,
So, yu see,
tli."

was

day
to

artei- eternity.

Iiands

was piped

<linner,
tuk<!

hut

was ordered tew keep

in the boats

and

care they didn't stave; (saeh other.


I

Waell,

laid ,h,wii in the eaptiii-'s ^i^', iind


the;

what

with the parson's lieker, and


naids,

talk

abcout mar-

and

syrin^^.s, ,ul water--alls,

and one thin-

and

t'other, a very prc^tty

muss

be^aii niixin' in

my
'V

brain pan.
in the starn

So, as

was

layin' eoinlortably

moored

slxTts, with
1

my
it

head a

hictle

over the
that the
!;i

boats' (piart('r,

thou-ht

hi;,dily

unwron-

brandy tub hadn't been totched up, and that the menusin' the p;rapnels must have shirked
as W(; did,
eos,

they'd sarelu^d as th(;y ou-hter, they must have seed the barrel, (or the water was
if

so petiekler
I

clear that

you eould dissarn the crabs craw


o'

in'

over

the korril rocks at the bottom

twenty I'athom.
to sec

Waell, while
if I

was look in' into the ocean

could li-ht upon the barrel, a leetleo'


I

th<; larf,-est

fish

ev(!r

did see

come and swum


under the
I

right e we to the
boats.

bottom of the
kept
risin'

sea, jest

Then
fins

it

and

risin', till
j

seed

its
it

long

were

He

shaped like men's arms

and when

come near the K 2


,1

-.1

244
-ifis,
it

AMiailCAN IIUMOUIl.
tiinicd
! I

on

its

buck, and then


at

.seed
,

.iUtmn
niaid,
critters

nice

know'd

once
o'

tliat

it

was

mur-

or a

niannan, or one

tlicni

ainfihlicrnH

called fuljlKdns
Iiis

syrin^w,

as

the ehapluiu
So, the critter

Imd been spinnin'


popt
its

yarns abeont.

bead
as

lip

jest i-.bovc the water, wliich

was

smooth

glass,

and u

little

sniootluir tew

by a

durned sight, and jest as clear and


says he to nie
:

jest as shiny, un''

"Look

here, strannger,

you and yonr shipmates

ani't doin' the genteel


fix it,

thing to nie no

how you can

playing old hub witii my garding grounds and oyster beds by scratchin' and rakin' 'em all over with them ar' darned anchors and

for they're

grapnel
teehns.

lixins,

in

manner

that's harrowin' to

my

If the capting
let

wants his thundermition

hcker tub,
hi

hnn just send cony decent Christian


Til gin
it

down with me, and

him/'
1

Waell, I'm not goin' to say that


I

didn't feel

kinder skeered, but the chaplain's yarns had rubbed the rough edge oft; and the notion o' findin' the
oupting's cask pleased

me

mightily, cos I
like
all

knowed

it

would
11:

tickle

the

old

man

creation,

and

sartingly get
t

me

three or four liberty days for shore


to Port

goin'

when we returned

(Ml
!?i'

Mahon.

So, as I

I
ni
Tin:

YANKEE AMOXOST TWE MERMAID.s.


Tiotlm.'
pctikl,.,.

245
;

l""l''t

on

an

would

spile-

only u

blue cottiug shiit an.l .suil-Hoth


vveatluu. b.i,,' K,st
'"'^'"'^
'

^!.

pantys,
I

and the

unco.nmon warm,

j.st told the


'

"as ready, and tortl.d quietly over the


into
th,;

boat's

8id(!

blue transparent nm.


nie
I

The nmrrnan
I)y

j^-rapplod

by the

fist,
1

and we
]

Hoon toueluHl botton.,

now

tHl ye.

fond as

could walk easy enou.^^h, only the water swayed

me

^"..'

jest as if

war a

leetle tight,

but

di.hi't

seem

to .suffer nothin'

from want

o' breath, nyther.

Wc- soon reaehed whar' the brandy cask was lyin' n^'bt under the ship's keel, which accounts for its
not bein' seen nor not)iin' by the boats'
felt

crtnvs.

so everlastingly comical abcout finJ.y the tub that J told the half-bred dol,,hing fellow that pinted It out, that if 1 knowed how to tap it, I wish I might
die if
I

would.i't give
fee.

him

a gallon o' the stuff a^ a

salvage

"Whut'sinit?"saysthemarman.

"Why,

licker,"saysl.
says the

''Waell,'^

marman, "so

hcerd them

scrapin' fellers in the beats say; but I guess I've licker enough to last my time, tho' I recking your lieker is something stronger than salt water, seein' that Its hooped up in that

almighty way."

246

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
I,

" AVhy, you lubber," says


raal

"

it^s

brandythe

ginnewine coneyhack."

"

And

what's that ?" says the marman.


to

" Why, dew tell want you


lived to
?

know

?" says I

" have

your time

o' life

without tastin' spir-

retus licker

Waell, I swow, you oughtcr be the


all

eonmiodore of

them cold water


all

clubs,

and

jjcrpe-

tual president of

temperance teetotallers.

Go

ahead, matey

pilot the

way

to

your shanty, and

ril roll the barrel arter you.

Fll sune give you a

drink
off

o'

licker that

will jest

take
taste,

the shirt-tail

eeny

thing

you ever did

now

tell

you."
Waell, the critter flopped ahead, for you see
the natur'
o'

its

the

marmen,

seein' as they've

no

leo-s,

only a fish's

tail

what's bent under them, jest like the

lower part

o'

the letter J, to

make way by
swim and

floppin'

their starns

up and down, and paddlin' with their


a

bands

somethin' between

a swa^-f^er
is

but the way they get through the water


' (

a cau-

tion.

I rolled the tub along over the

smooth white

shiny sand, and the crabs and lobsters skeeted off


right

and

left

sides out o'

my way

regular skeercd,

and big
fins,

fishes of all shapes

and makes, with bristhn"


me, and looked
at

swum

close alongside

me

V I

THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.


quite awful with
their

2^7

small gooseberry eyes, as


the nation are you at ?"
i

much

as to say,

"

What

Byrncby,

the

marman brought up

in

A-ont

of

11

rayther a largeish cave or grotto of rock and shell work, kivered with korril and sea-weed. So, you see, the tub was put right on eend in one corner; I

made an enquirry o' the marman


and he
said he b'leved there
;

if

he had a gimblet,
in the

rl

was such a thing

hold or cellar

he'd found a carpenter's tool-chest

a wreck a few miles to the easterd, and he fotched


six or seving of the leetle fixins, thinkin'

away

they

might be useful

to

hum so,

he opened the back


to bring

door and hailed a young


gimblet.
Seein' as there was

marman

him the

no benches nor nothin'

to sit

down

on, which

marmen and marmaids

don't desire,

cos they've no sittin' parts to their bodies, which


all fish

from their waistbands,

I jest sot

on the top

o'

the brandy tub, and took an observation of the

me. His face was reglar human, only looked rayther tawney and flabby like a biled nigger, with fishy eyes, and a mouth like
it

critter before

huge

tom

cod.

His hair hung

strct

down

his shoulders,

and was coarse and thick,


his

like untwisted rattlin'

like a goose's paw, only the fingers were longer and thicker; and his body

hands were somethin'

248

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

was not exactly like an Injin's nor a nigger's, nor a white man's nor was it yaller, nor blue, nor green

but

a sorter altogether kinder mixed


it

up

colour,

lookin' as if

were warranted to stand the weather.

Jest abcout midships, his


fish's

body was tucked into a

belly,

with huge green scales right

down

to

the

tail.

Whilst
tl

was surveyin' the marman fore and

aft,

the back door opened, and a she critter flop])ed with a young marman at the breast.

in,

The

leetle

sucker was not bigger than a pickerel, with a


a delicate
like

tail

of

sammon

colour,

and a head and body

jest

one

o'

large as a
critter

as

them small tan monkeys, with a face as dollar. The marman introduced the she his wife, and we soon got into a coil of
all

talk right slick,

abeout the weather, and the

kearc and trouble


I

o' a
if

young family-and

wished

may be swamped

the marmaid warn't a dread-

ful nice critter to chatter.

Like

all

winnning

folk,

she was plaguey kewrous as to whar' I was raised

and rigged-and when I said I guess Cape Cod, and ail along shore thar',
the

I hailed

from

she looked at

marman, and
I

said to

me
be

"V^aell,
I

never Cape Cod! why,


must
some

f-

h-air-gei

guess

there

finnity

in

oar

breeds."

THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.


Waell, you
see, I

:f!1

249

grew raythcr kcwrous tew, and


'UV

wanted

to log the petiklers o' the nateral history o'


o'

the race

niarmen- so

made

a few enqucrries

respectin' their ways o'

life.

I, "you've a tarnal good fish market in these here parts, and keep your table well

"I guess/'

says

supplied with ]:allibut and sc-bass, and black-fish, eh ?"

''Why, strannger,"
wratl.y, "seein' its

says' the
I

maruian, raythcr
or,

you

won't be offended,

by

hewing,

if

that speech ain't

enough
ain't

to

make

mar-

man

feel

scaly,

why

then

it

no matter.

We

claim to be half fish in our natur', and I reckon you don't kalkilate we gobbles our relations?
sea

there's
as

varmint enough in

all

conscience,

sitch

oysters,

and clams,

and

quahogs,

and muscles,

and

crabs,
;

and

lobsters.

We

go the hull shoat and other

with them
sea

and then we
in

cultivates kail

truck

our

gardings,

and sometimes we
they're
gull, or
fioatin',

swims

under the wild


fine

fowl as

and jerks down a


their

duck or a

gathers

eggs

off the

rocks, or the barnacles off drift

wood."
Jest then, the

marman's

eldest son-fish fotched in

the gimblet, and brought

up the marman's jawin'

tacks with

round t^rn.

The young un was

250
about the

AMERICAN HUMOUR,

size of an Injiu boy jest afore he runs alone-half papoose, half porpus. He got a leetle

skeered
stale

when he
o^

quid

on me, but J gave him a backer to amuse himself, and the sugar
roll his

clapt eyes

plum made the marmaster

eyes above a bit,

now

I tell you.

Waell, I bored a hole in the brandy tub, and


pickni'

up an empty

clam-shell,

handed a
down.

d.-

.k
.v.r

>

the lady, and told her to tote


lerVl
it

it

SI.,

pretty slick, and the

way she gulped

a.x>r-

f'

wards, and stared, and twisted her fishy mouth, was a sm to Davy Crockett. The marman looked raythcr wolfy at me, as if Pd gin her pison ; so I
swallered it myself. This kinder cooled him down, and when the marmaid got her tongue tackle iu runnin^ order agin, she said she guessed the licker was the
juice of

drawed a

shell-full

and

hewing, and

she^d be darned

if

she wouldn^t have another drink

right off the reel.


Seein' this, the

marman

swallered his dose, and

no sooner got

it

and clapped his

down than he squealed right out, webby hands together, and wagged

his tail like all creation.


stuff,

He

swore

it

was elegant

and he

Mt

it

tickle powerful
-fin.

from the top of


Arter takin'

his

head to the eend of his starn

t^-o or

three horns together, the sonny cried for

ill.

THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.


a drink, and I gin

251

him one
eel in

that sent

him

wrigglin'
So, the

on the sand

like

an

an uneasiness.

marman
first-rater

said

as the

licker

was

raal first-rate,

and

than that tew, he guessed he'd ask in his


^
i1

next door neighbour and his lady, jest to taste the godsend. Waell, in a minnit, in comes a huge

mar-

man
Black

of the most almighty

size,

looking jest like


;

Hawk when

he was bilious

he fotched up
a scrasrcv

his lady with him,

and

his eldest son, his


darters,

hobbadehoy marman, and

two young

marmaids or marmisses,

jest goin' out o' their teens,

who

flapped their yallcr-skinned

])aws

over their

punking-coloured chops, pretendin' to be almighty


skeered at comiu' afore a stranngc

man

in a state o'

natur' but they forgot

all

abeout that thar' when

the licker was handed to them.

Artcr takin' a few smallers, the fresh


said he guessed the clam-shell
leetle
feller

marman

was altogether tew


licker

to

get a proper

amount of

whereby a
o'

could judge correctly of the raal taste

the

stuff so he went to his berth in the next cave, and


fotched a large blue and silver shell that held abeout
a pint.

The news
for in half

o'

the brandy-tub spred pretty slick,


o'

an hour, I'd the hull grist

the

marmen

252
be] ongiii'

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
to
tliat

settlement

cooped
o'

up

in

the

cavern.

Sitch
;

noisy swillin^ set

wet souls I

never did see

the drunk com' on

em

almighty

strong, for they kept


as quick as
it

me

sarvin' out the lioker jest

would run.

thought

if

the capting

could have seen

me

astridin' his brandy-cask, ir

an

underground grocery
rounded by
at the

at the

bottom
fish,

o'

the sea, sur-

sich a skeul of

odd

how many dozen

gangway would he have ordered the bosen's


have sarved

mate

to

me

out

The way the drunk

affected the different critters


I
tell

was right kewrous, now

you.

One

great

scaly feller stiffened his tail all up,

and stood popfin,

pnidickler erect on the peaked pints of the eend like a jury-mast, and jawed

away

raal dignified at

all

the rest, wantin'

them

to

appoint

him

a sort o^

admiral over the hull crew.


with a green
^

Another

yeller feller,

tail,

was so dreadful blue, that he


5,

doubled himself into a figgery

and sung scraps


till

and

bits

o' all

sorts
all.

o' sea

songs,
o'

he got tew

drunk
?

to speak at
all

Some

the

marmen wanted
ladies

to

kiss

the marmaids, and tew o' the

begun

scratching

and

fightin' like
tail.

two pu.seys, cos


floppin'

one trod on toother's

Some went

and

dancin' on the sand like mad, raisin' sitch a dust


f

THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS.


that
I

253

could not sec to draw the licker-but the


druv^

party round the tub soon

them

to the right
o'

the setLEvery minnit some fresh rnannan dropped on the ground with the biggest kind of load on ; I
nient.

abcout, as interfcrin' with the interest

never seed a set

o' critters so

almighty
till

tight, yelling

swearin', hiiggin',

and fighting
I

they growed so

darned savagerous that


safety

kinder feared for

my own

amongst them drunken moffradite sea aborgoines. So, you see, I up and told them that I'd
clapt

my

veto on the licker, and that they should

not have any more.


^^'aell, if

ever you did hear a most ctarnal row, or

see a hull raft o'


ivas the time.
It

drunken

fellers

cut didoes, then

I were a public enemy, and every half drunken marman suddenly become very 'fishus to have me Lynched, and it were

was voted that

settled at last that I were to be rode

on a

rail,

and
the

then tarred and feathered.

But, while some

o'

varmint went arter the

rail

and the

tar,

the rest o'

im

the critters begun quarrelin'


the licker; and as each

who was

to sarve out

uarman, drunk
o'

or sober,
stuff,

they soon raised a pretty muss, and kept on tearin' at each other like a pack o' wolves.
Seein'
tliis,

wanted to have the kcare

the precious

J jest

254

AMERICAN

IIUMOUll.

kinder sneaked quietly away from


till
!|ia

tlie

cave grocery
J

com'
lor

in

sight o'
sarfis,

the ship,

when

struck
lif(!.

U])j)erd

the

and swum

for dear

soon seed that the boats' crew were musterin' for another bout o' draggin' for the brandy-cask ; so,
fearin' least the capting

should miss me,

I jest laid

hold

o'

the edge o' the gig, and crawled in pretty

quickly,

and

laid

myself down in the starn-sheets,

as if I'd never been out o' the boat.


I hadn't laid tliar' half a second,

when

heerd a

noise jest for


1/

all

the world

as

if

somebody was

|,

squeezin' a small thunder cloud right over


I

my head. ruz up, and thar' were the capting and the hull

crew lookin' over the ship's side at


cers in a tarnal rage,

me the

offi-

and the men grinnin'

like so

many
'II
11
'

hyenas.

" Rouse up, you long-sidcd lazy swab, and bring the boats in from the boom. Arc you goin' to sleep
all

day ?"

" Ay,

ay,

Sir," said I,

jumpin' up

in the

boat,

:*

thousand mill-streams I'd been so outrageous soaked while

when

all

the water run off

me
I

like forty

down with
lest

the

marmen.

felt

kinder skeered
I

the capting should see

it,

but when

stood

up

he laughed right out, and so did the hull crew tew.

ti

m
^!

:i

Mi

Tin; YANKKIO

AMONGST

TIIi;

MERMAIDS.

255

(C

JJoHcn, give

''Why, he's not awake yet/' said the capting. him aiuAhcr bucket."
see they

You

wanted

to persuade

me

that I'd

fell

the gig, as fast as a mcetin' liouse, and slept thar' the hull while the crew were at dinner,
iind thai

iisleop in

no ^liontin' nor nothin' couldn't wake


the bosen run along
the

me
jest

up so,
give

boom and

me

a couple o' buckets o' sea-water right over

mo.

\\'hen I told 'em

my

yarn abeout the marman

poppin' up his head, and invitin'

me down, and
rest,

all

abeout fnulin' the brandy-tub and the swore that I'd got drunk on the parson's

they

licker,

and

dreamt

it all

in the boat.

But

guess

kno.v 'vhat

; av.d the chaplain b'lievcd the hull story and said that as j I'd learnt the marmen the valley o' licker, they'd get huntin' up all the ^.ubs and barrels out of the

I did see, jest abeout as slick as

anybody

different

wrecks in

all

the various seas

and that
off

intemperance would
till

spile the race,


o'

and thin 'em


that

they

became one
Injins

the

things

was

jest

like the
o'

what's

wastin'

away by the

power

rum and whiskey

given 'em by the white

men.
I

recking the parson warn't far out in his kalki-

lashing.

The

love

o'

licker

has

had

its

effect

256

AMRRICAN HUMOUR.
;

upon the niarmon and the niarinaids


have

they must
ain't

thinned
since,

off
I

surpi-isin'ly,

for

seed

none

nor

don't

know nobody

that has

nyther.

(^

CAPTAIN STICK AND TONEY.

257

must
seed
it

has

ifl

XX.
CAPTAIN STICK AND TONEY.
Stick was a remarkably precise old gentleman, and a conscientiously just man. He was, too, very methodical in his habits, one of which was to Iteep an account in writing of
the

Captain

conduct of his servants, from day to day.


a
sort

It

was
it

of account-current,

and he

settled

by

every Saturday afternoon.

No

one dreaded these

of all-work

hebdomadal balancings more than Toney, the boy ; for the Captain was generally obliged
amount, across

to write a receipt, for a considerable


his shoulders.

One
VOL.

settling afternoon, the Captain,


I.

accompanied

//

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rnuiu^dpiiiu Sciences Corporation

23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, NY. 14580 (716) 872-4503

4?.
i/x

""BHPV

258

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
to the

by Toiiey, was seen " toddling" down


stable,

old

with his

little

account-book in one hand,

in the other. After they had reached the " Bar of Justice," and Toney had been properly ^'strung up," the Captain proceeded to
state his accounts, as follows
;

and a small rope

" Toney, Dr.


''Sabbath, to not half blacking
five stripes.

my

boots, &c.,

" Tuesday,

to staying four hours at mill longer


stripes.

than necessary, ten

"Wednesday,

to

not

locking the hall door at

night, five stripes.

" Friday, to letting the horse go without water,


five stripes.

" Total, twenty-five

stripes.

" Toney, Cr. " Monday, by


ten stripes.
first-rate day^s

work

in the garden,

" Balance due,

fifteen stripes."

The balance being thus


his cow-hide

struck, the Captain

d.ew

and remarked
black scamp, what say you,

"Now, Toney, you


you lazy
villain,

why I shouldn't give you fifteen lashes across your back, as fif hard as I can draw V

CAPTAIN STICK ^ND TONEY.

259

Toney ; 'Mar's dc work in de garden, Sir-dat ought to tck off some


blaek dog," said the Captain, -havn't I g'ven you the proper eredit of ten stripes for that^ t^ome, come !"

"

Stop, Old Mass/> said

"You

" Please, old Massn," said Toney, about ,. agony of fright,

,.olIig his

eyes

de scourin' ob de flo,-old .nissus say nebbe,Oeen scour as good


before,"

"dar-s-you forgot-dar-,

"Soho, you saucy rascal," quoth Captain Stick; ^^ you re bringing in more off-sets, are you ? Well now, thc-e !"-here the Ca,,tain made an entry' upon his book-you
have a eredit of

and the balance must be paid/' " Gov a mity, Massa, don't
else-oh, Lord
!

five stripes

hit

yet-dar's sumpen

please don't-yes,

Sir-got urn

now~ketehin' de white boy and


ole missus,

fetchin' urn to

what trow rock


a fact,"

at

de young duck."
Captain,

"That's

said

the

"the outand
II

rageous young vagabond .'-that's a


give you credit of ten stripes for

fact,

I'll

had brought
balance."

it-I wish you


settle

him

to

;.._now

we'll

the

"Bress dc Lord,
ail!"

ole

Massa," said Toney, " dat's

u
H}i

260

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Toney grinned extravagantly.

The Captain adjusted


with great exactness,
eyes,

his tortoise-shell spectacles

held the book close to his


fact

and ascertained that the

was as stated by

Toney.

He was

not a

little irritated.

" You swear

off

the account, you infernal rascal

you
Toney.

swear off the account, do you ?"


credit is
fair,

"All de

old

Massa," answered

"Yes, but" said the disappointed Captain,

"but but"
how to
S!
.

still

the Captain was sorely puzzled


licks

give

Toney a f-w

any how,

idea popped into his head,

" where's

"but" an my costs, you


You want
you
to

li

incorrigible,

abominable scoundrel?

swindle me, do you, out of


deceitful

my

costs,

black,
Stick,

rascal!

And,"

added

Captain

chuckling as well at his

own

ingenuity,

as

the

perfect justice of the sentence, " I enter

judgment
forth-

against

you

for

costs ten stripes!" and


the
stripes

with

administered

and

satisfied

the

judgment.
" Ki nigger !" said Toney; " ki nigger
!

what

dis git

judgmen'

for coss, ole

Massa

talk 'bout.

Done

off 'bout not blackin'

de

boot git

off 'bout stayin'


else
;

long time

at

de mill and ebry ting

but dis

m\

CAPTAIN STICK A\D TONEY.


judgmen'
!

261

il,

for coss gim me do debbil Bress God, nigger must keep out ob de ole stable, or Pll tell e back feel
ifM

you what, dat judgmen' for coss make mighty warm, for true !"

>

Mil

263

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Iljl

XXI.
THE WAY BILLY HARRIS DROVE THE DRUM-FISH TO MARKET.

The
the

afternoon of a
spring,

still,

sultry day,

found us

at

Bankhead

on Chaptico Bay, Maryland-

Billy Harris, old " Blair,"

and myself.

Billy

was

seated on the head of his canoe, leisurely discussing

a bone and a

slice

of bread, the remnant of his

mid-day's repast on the river; old


busily engaged in overhauling
fish

"Blair" was

and arranging the


the
course
of the

that
:

he had taken
while
I,

in

morning

in

a state of half-listlessness,

half-doziness,

was

seated

on

the

trunk of

an
head

uprooted

cedar near the

spring, with

my

luxuriously reclining against the bank.

mm

BILLY HARRIS.
"Well,
the
this is

203
fish as I've

about as pooty a

had

handling

ov for some time,"

remarked old

"Blair,"

holding up

and suiTeying with

much

satisfaction

a rock about two feet and a half in

length.

" Smart rock that,"


the fish with his eye.

said

Billy,

as he

measured team a

"

What an
Harris?"

elegint
!"

couple

o'

dozen

o'

that size would

make

"Elegint

ivhat,

Mr.

inquired

old

"Blair," depositing the

fish

under the bushes in the


towards

bow of
Billy.

his

canoe,

and

turning round

it

"Why,

an elegint team

for

man

to travel

with," replied Billy.

"Did
drums
at the

I never tell
to

you 'bout
Alexandri'

my

driving

the

the

market?" he added,

same time casting a


where

furtive glance in the direction of the spot


I

was seated.

"Well,

I've hearn a right smart of

your

exploits,

Mr. Harris,
said
tell

in our meetin's
I don't

down here on

the bay,"

" Blair," " but


about that."
fact is,"
o'

remember ov

hearin'

^u

"The

said Billy,

"it's a little out o'


it's

the usual

run

things,

and

not every one


are so

that I care about telling

it to.

Some people
no

hard to make

believe, that there's

satisfaction in

it

264
telling

AMERICAN HUMOUll.
them anything; seeing
I
it's

you,
little

though,

Lewis,

don't

mind

relating that

spree

'specially as the tide won't serve us

up the narrows
,

for

some time

yet,
little

and Mr.

there,

seems

inclined to do a

napping. Well, to be^in at the

beginning," he continued, as old " Blair" assumed the attitude of an attentive listener at the head
his canoe,

of

" it's just seven years ago the tenth day

of this here last month, that I went

down

to the

drumming-ground
luck

off the

salt-works to
I

try

my

among

the thumpers.

know'd the gents

were about, for I'd heard 'em drumming the day


before while I was out rocking on the outer eend
o'

Mills's

so

got everything

ready the over

night, I

and by an hour by sun the next morning


for action.

had arrived upon the ground, ready


first

For the

half-hour

or so
r

done nothing.

Sometimes an old chanu'l


pay his respects
to

or a greedy cat would

my

bait in a

way that would


mouth, and get
all.

make my

heart
o'

jump up

into

my

me
the

kind

excited like, but that was

Devil

drum

ever condescended to favour

me

with a

nibble.

A'ter a while I begun to get tired o' that


sport,

kind

o'

and concluded that I'd just up-stake


nearer in shore.

and shove a

little

Just as I was
I

])rcparing to pull in

my

line,

though,

spied a

BILLY HARRIS.
piece o' pine bark, 'bout twenty yards
off,

265
floating
I'll

down towards me.


give

'Now/

says

I,

'gents,

you

until

that bit of bark passes


if

my
to

line,

to bite in,
in that

and

you don't think proper

do

it

time, you

may

breakfast as

you

can I'll
without

not play the waiting-boy any longer/


piece of bark got right off against

Well, the
line I

my

my
the
give

getting

so

much

as a nibble,

and

begun

wind up ; but
line

I hadn't got more'n a foot or so o'

outer the water,


a smart tug.

when
first I

I felt

something

it might be a crab or an oyster-shell that I'd hooked, but

mc

At

thought

presently

my

line

begun

to

straighten
I

under a

strong, steady pull,

and then

know'd what was

about.

I give one sangorous jerk,

and the dance

commenced."
" What was it a drum ?" inquired old " Blair,"
a
little

eagerly.
at that.

"Yes, a drum, and a regular scrouger,


I wish

you had only been

there, Lewis, to see the

fun.

Of

all

the hard fish to conquer, that ever I


I got

took in hand, that chap was the Major.


alongside at
last,

him
I

though,

and

lifted

him

in.

then run a rope through his

gills,

and sent him

overboard agin, makin' the two cends of the line

266

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

fi-| o .staple in tl,o ,ter < t,,. ,,^, j,,,, t^,,,,j

" WelltWs put

nt

,e in fit.,.te ,pi,t,
, ,!,

n,y l,o ,-,


...d

and .

t,ni, ,
bo,.,,,,,,
it

o.-e ..

time .0 touch the

J,

j,,,,
'

"0

tlie .

cn,

t,,,.

i^,,., ,.,,^

J"^t-rgtthtch,,,,thetopo'.hewatlvv
went t'other
line I"
.'"
'

"

patience

exclaimed old " Blai,," .ho had


at

hTSl'r*"-''-'--vho,ec,..J lis
life,

"/M,ogoin'

oncer

" Yes^ hvo

at once."

I^^nd did yon save 'em both,


Save

M,..

Ha.?"

mete

-'"said Billy;.,,, id

lose a (i.,ha,.ter I'd once s.,.nek him ?.' VI c I ceeptin' that big .,ek this n,o,i'

,,,^^
"

o.ea,sobonyv.sage,"ldn.t,.eme,nbc,.aslevc,.

"But

that,

yon k,,, , ^^^


q;,ite

f^_^,j ^,^,_^

long enough," said Billy. "Bt o come baclUo the d,.,ns," he continued, .,ield, I" about hvee hours from .he .i,e I staked down, I had no less than thh-ty-nine
fine
fish

he bean wasn't

^^

BILLY HARRIS.
""'";";
"'

267
corn..,.;

"'" ""'"'

"'

'"y

'i'tlc

.0

lor the imnovvs.

"

'

"' 'v urn


.

to get tl,

drums

al,,g

?-

I to ,jolf ;

said

em
aa

If , tkc i the boat,! shall he s,v,,,d to a certainty; .f uudertako to to. 'e. straight
,,

that's the noxt

qutio.

the

" school

J,

o'iIehe.., to

a, igle

run away with.'

crocus that !'

" A'ter debating


toward, the

the matter for a

little

while with

mysel,leoeludedthatl'djnstshovei,nictly
and, until I gt into sehoal watc, and So I bent over as easy as I could, pulled u the stake, and

then follow the shore.

aiow

>1, w,th a

connnenced shovin. 'o"S; but no sooner did the drun.s feel then.selvcs .ovn,g through the water, than they turned taek,
fl.t

of their

tails,

the

dashed sn.ack off down

river, like so

many

terrified colts."

"Thar, bless the Lord


suddenly rising from his
again.
(t

!" ejaculated old


seat,

"Blair"
it

and then

resu,

thought," continued Billy, "was to let the whole batch of 'cm go but on turning round for that purpose, I found that the stern of the boat was buried so low
cut the rope, and

My

first

in

the

water,

that a little stream was beginning to run

268
over the
to])

AMERrcAN HUMOUR.
;

80

I jist

travelled to the other

end of

the bout, und tried to beur down.

But the thing

wasn't to be done so easy.

The duuns hud taken

the bit between their teeth, and were pullin'

down

with a regular forty-horse j-ower.

Seeing no other
T just

way

of saving myself from the crabs,

got

backwards, until I reached the last half inch o' the bow,

a-8traddle o' the boat,

and worked

my wa-

and there
water,
'till

sot,

witli
b-

my
-un

legs

dangling

in

the

the gents

to cool

down, and come

to the top. By this time we had got over Cobb Brr, and the drums were looking straight up the Poto-

mac.

never knowed

how

to

account for

it,

but

just then a queer notion struck

me

" 'Spose, now,' '

said

I,

to myself,

'

was

to take
j

these chaps in hand,

and drive 'em

to Alexandri'

wouldn't

it

be something to talk about when I got

back V

" The thing


to try
it,

sorter pleased me,

and
it.

I determined

come what might


liolt o'

of

So I reached

down, and got


doubled
it.

my

drum-line, and carefully

I then got

crawled along on

my

and hands and knees to the other

down

into the bo?t,

eend

o'

the corner,

looked over.

where the drums were, and Finding that they were all moving

along quietly, I tied

my

line to the

two cends

o'

the

BILLY IIARRTS.

2(i9

rope that they were fastened with, and then rut the rope loose from the staple.

This made the reins but


T

ab.ut twenty-five yarda about one-half ov 'vm.

lonp^,
I

only

h;t

out

was

afraid,

you
t

see, if I

give the gents too n.uch play room, th

ihey might
trouble.

get

into tantrums,

and give

me
I

more
could

Seeing, arter a while, though, that

manage

'em pretty
left

well,

I just

wound

the line round

my

hand, pieked up

my

angel rop for a whip, took

my

scat in the stern of the boat,

and

told

'cm to

travel.

And

did?i't

they travel
Lewis.

wish you could

only have
^^r.
,

seen
there,
I

me,

Old Neption, that


telis

sometimes

about, wasn't a
in

eircumstanec.

hnd a thundering big red drum

the lead, and nineteen as pretty matches o^ black ones following aftci, as ever a man could wish to look at ; and they all moved along as nicely as so

many well-broke

carriage-horses.

It's true, a

chap

would sometimes become a

little fractious, like,

and

sheer off towards the Ma'yland or Virginny shore, but I'd just fetch a draw on t'other tack, and give him a
slight

touch with the rod near the back


fall

lui,

and

he'd

into line rgin as

beautiful

as

could be.
it

Well, Lewis, to

make

a long story short,

was

about ten o'clock in the day when I took the gentlemen in hand, and by three hours by
the sun that

270

AMERICAN HUMOUa.
o'

evening, I pitched the reins over one

the posts

on

tlie

Alexandria wharf.

A
me

crowd
land,

o'

people had

as the thing ov a man's drivin' fish to market seemed to tickle 'em, I soon sold out my whole team, at a

collected together to see

and

dollar

and

a half a head.

I at

first

thought of holding on to

about half a dozen ov 'em to travel


as I expected they

home with ; but were pretty well tired out, and


fair,

the wind happened to be


laid in

bought

me

sail,

a supply ov eatables,

and a jug of the best

old rye that ever tickled a man's throat" (a slight working of old '^Blair's" mouth was here percept-

''and at day-break the next morning was snoozing it away nicely under my
ible),

own

shingles at

home."
"Didn't you
on your way
see

up,

no steam-boats, nor nothin', Mr. Harris?" inquired old


'Bout twenty miles
old Columbria,

"Blair."

"

Oh

yes," said Billy.

this

side o' Alexandri' I

met the

coming

down under

a full head o' steam.

She was crowded

with people, and as I passed close along by the


!li

my head to 'em, they all clapped their hands and hollored mightily. I hearn afterwards that the Captain, or somebody
else,

wheel-house, and bowed

had

it

all

put in the papers, but I can't say from

my

"

BILLY HARRIS.

271
I also

own knowledge whether

it

was so or not.

overtook two or three brigs, but didn't stop to talk just give 'cm a nod, and passed on.''

"My
you

patience!" exclaimed old ^^Jlair;" 'Svell

ivas a travellin'." side o'


i fell in

" 'ust t'other


continued Billy, "

Nangem'y Reach,
with a sa'cy
little

too

pungy,

that brushed up alongside, and seemed inclined to keep company. As the wind happened to freshen up just then, I couldn't get away

towards the land until he got me almost right upon a long bar before I know'd it. As the water was several feet deep at the eend of the
bar, the
;

from her no how; and the son of a blood of a captin kept bearing me

'

^1

pungy could
I

pass right by

it

without touching

so

had

old

It

go round the pungy. was a desperate undertaking to try the bar, for
it

either to cross the bar or

'bout a yard or so wide

was perfectly bare; but

I couldn't think of being beat, so I just stood

up

in

the boat, gathered the line well together in my hands, and with a whoop to the drums, rushed 'em
at it."

"And

did you raily cross


little

it,

Mr. Harris?"

said

" Blair," a

staggered.
replied Billy.

"Without turning a shell,"

"And

what became

o'

the

pungy?"

TMHi"

m('nw

"

272
" Why

AMERICAN UUMOUll.
in a little while the

wind died away, and

she dropped behind, and 1 saw nothing more of her. I reckon it mad the captin open his eyes, though,
to see the
expl'it

way
all

I crossed the bar.

ov

was

But the greatest

"What, you unconscionable liar what?"


claimed
':

ex-

di-afts

determined to put a stop to any further upon old " Blair's" credulity.
I,

" Why, the one you was

tellin'

mc

t'other day

*bout old Ncption's hitching his sca-horaes to some

big island or 'nother, and pulling


roots,
it,

it

up by the
all

and towing

it it

ofiF

with the people and


in

on

and anchorin'

down

some other place that

he liked better," was the unexpected rejoinder.

deemed unnecessary ; and in a few minutes more the cheerful plash of the Bankhead
spring was

reply was

among

the sounds

wc heard

not.

YANKEE HOMESPUN.

273

xxri.

YANKEE HOMESPUN.
"WHKNilivocIinMainc," said Uncle Ezra, "I Mpccl to break up a new piece of ground wc ^^ot the wood off in the winter, and
:

early in the .sprh..

we begun ploughing
rocky that we had

on't.

It

to get forty

plough-we

was so consarued yoke of oxen to one


held
that

did faith-and

plou.-h

more'n a week; I thought I should die. It e4i a most killed n.e, I vow. Why, one day I wh hold'n, and the plough hit a stump which measured just nnie feet and a half through it-hai^d and sound white oak. The jdough split it, and I was ^^oing straight through the stump when I happened to thmk it might snap together again, so I threw my VOL. I. *

|W

l-U

'

^Wg W t
i

'ii l

iW.

274
feet

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
out,

and had no sooner done

this,

than

it

snapped together, taking a smart hold of the scat of

my
on
did

pantaloons.

Of

course I was tight, but I held

to the plough-handles,
all

and tliough the teamsters

they could, that team of eighty oxen could

not tear
grip.
|i

my

pantaloons, nor cause

me

to let

go

my

At

last

though, after letting the cattle breathe,

they gave another strong pull altogether, and the


old

stump came out about the quickest;


roots,

it

had

monstrous long
wife

too, let

me

tell

you.

My
I

made

the cloth for

them pantaloons, and


"

havn't worn any other kind since."

The only reply made


have thought
suspenders."
it

to

this

was

should

would have come hard upon your

"Powerful hard."

mi

THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUNTER.

275

XXIII.

THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUNTER.


Tn
with

my

round of

practice,

occasionally

meet

men whose
to

peculiarities

stamp them

as bclong-

mS

a class

composed only of themselves.

So
from

different are they in appearance, habits, taste,

the majority of mankind, that


classify

it

is

impossible to
set

them, and you have therefore to


birds

down

them
none

as queer

"of

feather,-

that

resemble sufficiently to associate with.


I

had a patient once who was one of these queer

gigantic in stature, ; uneducated, fearless of real danger, yet timorous as a child of superstitious
perils,

ones

born

literally i
life,

been

the woods, never having

a city in his

and

his idea of one bein^

t 2

WT^^^m^rmmrmi

ttmummmm

276
that
it

AMERICAN HUiMOUU.
was a place wliere people met
togetlier to

make whiskey, and form plana


folks.

for swindling country

To view him

at

one time, you would think


bear-fat-loving moi*to ideas,

him only a whiskey-drinking,


tal
;

at other

moments, he would give vent

proving that beneath his rough exterior there ran a


(I

fiery current of
I

high enthusiastic ambition.

It is a favourite theory of mine,

and one that

am

fond of consoling myself with,


that there
is

for

my own

insigis

nificance,

no man born who

not

capable of attaining distinction, and no occupation


that does not contain a path leading to fame.

To
ex-

bide our time

is

all

that

is

necessary.

had

pressed this view in the hearing of Mik-hoo-tah, for


so

was the object of


to

this

sketch

called,

and

it

seemed

chime in
the

wich

his feelings

exactly.

Born
early,

in

woods,

and

losing

his

parents

he
of

had
his

forgotten his real name, and the

bent
I

genius inclining him to the slaying

i!

of

bears,

he

had been given,

even

when

youth, the

name

of Mik-hoo-tah, signifying ''the

grave of bears," by his Indian associates and ad-

11

mirers.

To glance

in

and around his

cabin,

you would

have thought that the place had been selected for


ages past by the bear tribe to yield up their spirits

THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUNTER,


in,

277
chance,
hut,'

so

numerous were the

relics.

Little

ween, had the cold air to whistle through that

so thickly

was

it

tapestried with

the

soft,

downy

hides, the darkness of the surface relieved occasionally

by the skin of a tender fawn, or the

short-

haired irascible panther.

From

the joists depended

bear-hams

and

tongues

innumerable,

and

the

ground without

was

literally
its

white with

bones.

Ay, he was a bear-hunter, in

most comprehensive
band,

sense-the
occupation

chief of that
is

vigorous

whose
the

nearly

gone crushed

beneath

advancing strides of romance-destroying

civilization.

When

his

horn

sounded- so

tradition

ran the
die

bears began to draw lots to see


that day, for painful experience
uselessness

who should
told

:i

had

them the

of

all

endeavouring to escape.

The

"Big Bear

of Arkansas"

would not have given

him an hour's

extra work, or raised a fresh wrinkle

on his already care-corrugated brow. But, though almost daily imbruing his hands in the blood of Bruin, Mik-hoo-tah had not become an impious or
cruel-hearted man.

11 ii

Such was

his piety, that he

never killed a bear without getting down on his

knees to

skin

it and praying
when

to be

d ned

if it

warn't a buster; and such his softness of heart,


that he often wept
he,

by mistake, had

killed

mmm

vmmmmmm

278
a

AMEKICAN HUMOUR.

suckling

boar (lci>riving

licr

poor

ofTspriiig of a

mother's care and found her too poor to be eaten.

So indefatigable had he become


that the bears

in

his

pursuit,

bid fair to disai)i)ear frmn the face


to

of the

swamp, and be known


the

posterity only
Scripture,

through

one mentioned
to

in

that

assisted Elisha

punish the impertinent children,


occurred to
tlie

when an

accident

hunter, which

raised their hopes of not being entirely extonninated.

One

day,

Mik happened

to

come unfortunately
who, doubtless

in contact with astray grizzly fellow, in

with his black and more effeminate brethren of the swamp. Mik saluted him, as he ap])roached, with an ounce
ball in

adventurous spirit, had wandered away from the llocky Mountains, and formed a league for mutual protection

the indulgence of an

the forehead, to avenge half a dozen of his

best dogs,
flattened

who
upon

lay in fragments around; the bullet


his impenetrable
skull,

merely in-

fuHating the monster, and before


it

Mik

could reload,
it

was upon him.


to

Seizing

him by

the leg,

bore
to

him

the

ground,
it

and ground the


could

limb

atoms.
part,
its

But before

attack a more vital

the knife of
it

tlie

dauntless hunter had cloven

heart and

dropped dead upon the bleeding

THE INDEFATinABLK nEAR-iruXTKR.


t

279

form of

its

slayer,

in

wliich condition

thpy wore

shortly found

by

Mile's

comrade

l\Takin- a litter
it,

of branches, they placed

Mik upon

and pro-

cccded with

all

haste to their camp, sending one of

the comi)any by a near cut for me, as I was the


nearest physician.
shelter,

When

reached their temi)orary


T

found Mik doing better than

could

have expected, with the exception of his wounded leg, and that, from its crushed and
mutilated condition,
diately,
I

saw would have

to be
]\Iik.

amputated imme-

of which T informed
it

As

I expected,

he opposed

vehemently
of

but I convinced him of


it,

the impossibility
It

saving

assuring

him

if

were

not

amputated

he

would

certainly
to
grp.nt

die,

and appealed to his

good sense

last. The next difficulty was to procure amputating instruments, the rarity of surgical operations, and the generally slender purse of the " Swamp Doctor," not jus-

permission, which he did at

tifying

him

in purchasing

expensive instruments.

eoui)lc

of bowie-knives, one ingeniously hacked a

and
and
the

filed into

saw a

tourniquet

made

of a belt
for

a ])iccc

of stick a

gun-screw

converted

time into a tenaculum and

some buckskin

slips foi ligatures,

completed

my case of instruments
may
smile at

for

am^jutation.

The

city physician

280
this recital,

AMERICAN

IIUMOUtt.

but I assure him many a more difEcult operation than the amputation of a Ic^j, has been

performed by
with
far

liis

Immble brother

in the

'^

swamp,"
I

more

sini])le

means than those


being-

Lave

mentioned.

The

jjrejjarations

completed,

Mik

refused to have his

arms bound, and com-

menced singing
whole
oi)cration,

a bcar-song;

and throughout the

which was necessarily tedious, he

never uttered a groan, or missed a single stave. The next day, I had him conveyed by easy stages

and tending assiduously, iu the course of a few weeks, he had recovered sufficiently for

to

his pre-emption;

me

to cease attentions.

made him a

wooden

h'^,

which answered a good purpose ; and


a
I

with a sigh of regret for the spoiling of such

good hunter,
tients.

struck

him from my

list

of pa-

few months passed over and I heard nothing


NcNver, but not brighter, stars were

more of him.

in the ascendant, filling with their deeds the clang-

ing trump of bear-killing fame, and, but for the quantity of bear-blankets in the neighbouring
cabins, and the painful absence of his usual present of bear-hams, Mik-hoo-tah bid fair to suffer that
fate

most

terrible in aspiring
life.

ambitionists forget-

fulness during

It

was near sunset wheu I

THE INDEPATIOADLE BEAR-IIUNTER.


arrived at

281

home

froui a

long wearisome scmi-rideReceiving a uegawere any n^ew

and-wini through the swamp.


tive

to

my
was

inquiry whether there


felicitating

calls, I

myself upon a quiet night


undisturbed by

beside

my

tidy

bachelor hearth,

women, or amorous cats the usual accompaniments of married life


when,
like

crying

childn.n,

babbling

a poor henpecked Benedict


is

crying for
to dis-

peace when there


appointment.

no peace, I was doomed

Hearing the splash of a paddle in the bayou running before the door, I turned my head towards the bank, and
soon beheld,
first

the

tail

of a coon, next his body, a

human

face, and, the

top of the bank being gained, a full-proportioned

form clad

in the

garments which, better than any

printed label, wrote

him down raftsman,

trapper,

bear-hunter.
fatigable

He was

a messenger from the inde-

bear-hunter, Mik-hoo-tah. Asking him what was the matter, as soon as he could get the knots untied, which two-thirds drunkenness had

made

in his tongue, he informed me, to

my

sincere

regret, that

Mik went

out that morning on a bear-

hunt, and in a fight with one had got his leg broke
all to flinders, if

possible worse than the other,

and

that he wanted

me

to

come

quickly.

Getting into

the canoe, which awaited me, I wrapped myself in

OQO

AMEniCAN HUMOUR.
blanket, und yielding to n.y fatigue, was soon
asleep.
T

my
fast

did not awaken


the

until

the

eanoc

striking against

bank, as

it

landed at Mik's

pre-emption, nearly threw ,ne in the bayou, a.id


entirely succeeded v.ith regard to

my

half-drun'

paddler,

who-likc the
and

sailor that

circumnavigated
in
all

the

world,

then was

drowned

a i)uddle.

the jx-rils of the tortuous bayou to be pitched overboard when there w"ts nothing to do but step out and tie the dug-out. Assisting hini out of the water, we procecded to the house, when, to my indignation,
I

hole in his

own garden had escaped

learnt that the

drunken messenger had given me the

long

trip

for nothing,

Mik

only

wanting me to

one having been com])letely demolished that morning. I would have returned that night, but the distancc was too great for one fatigued
as I was, so I

make him

new wooden

leg, the old

had

to content

n.yself with such

accommodations

as I\Iik's cabin afforded, which, to one blessed like

myself with
tation to
task.
I

the

happy

faculty

of
a

ready
very

adap-

circumstances, was

not

difficult

was surprised to perceive the fhangc in Mik^s

appearance.
a

From

nearly a giant he had ^^asted to


;

mere huge bony framc-work

the skin of his face

THE INDErATIGAULE DEAR-IIUNTER.


clung

283

cjinoc

tiglitly to the boiu'8, and showed nothing of those hiughtcr-uioving features that were wont to adorn his visage; only his eye remained unehang(.d,

and
lost
*'

it

hud

lost

none of

its

brilliancy the

flint

liad

none of

its fire.

What on

earth

is

the matter with you,


full off

J\Iik ?

have never seen any one

so fast;

you

l.ave

wasted to a skeleton surely you must have the con-

sumption."

"Do

you think

so.

Doc?

I 11

soon show you


its

wh(;thcr the

old bellows has lost


to the
<loor,

any of

force !"

and huj)ping
open,

which he threw wide


rally

he
a

gave a death-hug

to his dogs, in

such

loud and piercing tone,

that

imagined

a steam-whistle was being discharged in

my

ear, dis-

and

for

several

moments could hear nothing

tinctly. will do! stop!" I yelled, as I saw Mik drawing in his breath prcjjuratory to another effort

"That

of his vocal strength ;" I

am

satisfied

you have not


so,

got consumption

but what has wasted you

Mik

Surely jou ain't in love ?"


!

" Love

pooh
to

you don't

supjjose,

Doc, even

if

was 'tarmined
there
is

make

a cussed fool of myself, that

any gal

in the

swamp

that could stand that

I!

284
io

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
you ?" ?" and catching up
by the
a

huge bull-dog,

he gave him such a squeeze that the animal yelled with pain, and for a few moments '< appeared dead. No, Doc, it's grief, pure sorrur, sorrur. Doc
fire,
!

who

lay basking- himself

when
!

I looks at

what

I is

now and what

used to be

Jes think,

Doc, of the fust hunter in the swamp having his sport spiltc, like bar-meat in summer without
salt

standin'up one day and blessing old Master for having put bar in creation,

Jes th.-nk of a

man

and the

next cussing high heaven and low


couldn't
'sist

11

'cause he
it

in

puttin'

them out!

Warn't

enough

to bring tears in the eyes of

an Injun
?

tater,

much
fell

less

take the fat off a bar-hunter

Doc, I
folks 'as

off

like

'Simmons

artcr

frost,

and

doubted me, needn't had asked whether I


'ceitful or not, for

war

they could have seed

plum threw

mc

The bar and painter got


to the tother side of the
!

so saucy that they'd see

cam

bayou and

which

could talk the impudentest

"'Don't you want some bar-meat


blanket?' they'd ask;
painter's hide
is

or painter
fat,

^ars

is
!'

monstrous

and

mighty warm

"Oh!

Doc, I was a miserable

man

the sky

warn't blue for me, the sun war always cloudy, and

THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUxVTER.


the shade-trees gin no shade for me.

285

Even the
coming

dogs forgot me, and the

little

children quit

and asking
"'Please, Mr. Bar-Grave, cotch
or a painter kitten.'

me

young bar

"Doc, the

tears

would cum

in

my

eyes,

and the
heart,

hot blood would come biling up from

my

when Vd hobble out of a sundown and


boys
tell,

hea.-

the

as they

went by, of the sport they'd had


killed,

that day, and

and how
arter they

fat

how the bar fit 'fore he was he war arter he was slayed.
would

Long
ea"

was gone, and the whip-poor-will had


sit

up

their voices, I

out there on the old

stump, and think of the things that used to hold


the biggest place in

my mind when
of distinction

was a boy, and

p'raps sense I've bin a man.

and fame, and names never dying, and how Washington and Franklin, and Clay and Jackson, and a heap of
people's
political

"Fd

heard

tell

dicshunary-folks, would

live

when

their

big hearts had crumbled dcwn to a rifle-charge of dust; and I begun, too, to think. Doc, what a
pleasant thing
it

would be

to

know

folks a million

years off would talk of

me

like them,

and

it

made

me

'tarmine

to

'stinguish

myself,

and have

my

286

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

name put in a book with a yaller k fiver. I warn't a genus, Doc, I nude that, nor I warn't dicshunary
so I detarmined to strike out in a glory,

new

track for
'

myself to be called the hunter of Ameriky.^ Doc, my heart


^title

and

bear-

jumpt up,
it

and

belted

my

hunting-shirt tighter for fear


I fust

would lepe out when


loud.

spoke them words out

'''The bar-huntcr of Ameriky V Doc, you know whether I war ernin^ the name when I war ruined. There is not a child, white,
black, Injun, or

ni-cr

from the Arkansas


heard of me, and

line
I

to Trinity,

but what" has

were happy when"-here a tremor of his voice and a tear glistening in


the
glare

of the

fire

told the old

follow^s

cmotion-

"when-but
dying-I war

les take a

drink-Doc,

found I was

gettin' weaker and weakcr-I nude your truck warn't what I needed, or I'd sent

you.

for

bar-hunt war the medsin that


a fust-class bar-hunt,

my

sy.fum

the music of the dogs, the fellers a screaming, the cane popping the nfles crackin', the bar growlin^ the fight

required,

hand

to

hand, slap goes his paw, and a dog^s-hide hangs on one cane and his body on another, the knife .^1;,. tenm^ and then goin' phinip up to the handle in^his

THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAIl-IIUXTER.


heart
!

287

this was what I needed, and I swore, since death were huggin' me, any how, I mite
!

Oh

Doc,

as well feel his hist grip in a bar-hunt.

"

I seed the

boys goin' long one day, and haled

them
too.

to wait awhile, as I believed I


I

would go along

war frade

if

kept out of a hunt

much
at

longer I wood get outen practis.

They laughed

me, thinkin^
one-legged

war jokin';

for

wat cood a

sick, old,

man do

in a bar-hunt ?

how cood he

get

threw the swamp, and vines, and canes, and backwater ? and s'pose he mist the bar, how war he to get outen the way ?

" But I war 'tarmined on goin' ; my dander was up, and I swore I wood go, tellin' them
if I

coodent
it

travel ^bout

much,

could take a stand.

Sccin'

war no use

tryin' to

'swade me, they saddled


I
felt

my
off.

poney, and off we started.


I

better right

knew

cuddent do nmch in the chase, so

I told

the fellers I would go to the cross-path stand, and wate for the bar, as he would be sartcn
to

cum by

thar.

You. have never seed the cross-path stand,


It's the singularest place in the

Doc.
rite

swamp.

It's

in the

middle of a canebrake, thicker than bar


like

dis-

on a bar-hide, down in a deep sink, that looks


the devil had

cummenst
I

diggin' a skylite for his


for

pre-emption.

knew

it

war a dangerous place

288
a well

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

man

to

go

in,

much

less

a one-Ie g cripple

but I war 'tarmined that time to give a deal on the dead-wood, and play my hand out. The boys gin me time to get to the stand, and then cummenst

The bar seemed ^tarmined on disappinting mo, for the fust thing I heard of the dogs and bar, they was outen hearing. Everything got
quiet,

the drive.

foller

I got so wrathy at not being able to up the chase, that I cust till the trees cum-

and

menst shedding their leaves and small branches,


herd them lumbrin' back, and I nude they war makin' to me. I primed old 'bar death' fresh, and rubbed the frizin, for it war no time for rifle to get snappin\ Thinks I, if I happen
I to

when

miss, Pll try

what virtue there


knife

is

in

a
!

knifebar,
for

when. Doc,

my

war gone.

Oh

God^s sake have a


catiH

soft

head, and die easy, for I

run

"Doc, you've hearn a bar bustin' threw a canebrake, and know how near to a hanycane it is. I almost cummenst dodgin' the trees, thinkin' it war
the best in the shop one a comin', for
loudest thunder ever I heard; that
ole
it

beat the

bar did,

comin' to get his death from


cripple,
^.is

an ole one-legged
his brethren than

what had slayed more of

nigger foot had ever

made

trax in the

mud.

THE INOEPATIGABIE BEAR-HUNTER.

289

I warn't .kocred, but I .nu^ own as I had but one shot, an' no knife, I wud have prefu.-d they had been eloser. But here he cum ! he bar-

doss.

Doc, he hecrf a monstrm long a,j ahead of the

big as a bull-boys off

-no

h-liwavds-dogs no

.r

ku,fe-but one shot-<; only one


!

cood run

leg that

'^TUe bar 'peered

s'prised

to

see
it

me

standin'

ready for him in the opening for reported 'mong his brethren
or

war eurrcntly

that I war either dead


'

no use

for bar.

I thought fust he war skeered


till

and, Doc, I brieve he war,

my

wooden

leg,

and
be

kne^.

he would

he coteh a sio-ht of that toeh his pride, for he hist outen every she bear's
a poor, siekly, one-legged

company, ef he run from


cripple,

so

on he cum, a small
his

river

of slobber
curlin'

pourm' from
outen his
let

ears.

mouth, and the blue smoke I tuck good aim at his


ball

left,

and

drive.

The
off,

and glanced
jes givm'

him on the eyebrow only stunnin' him for a moment^

struck

me

time to club

my

rifle,

an' on he

kum'
I

as fierce as old grizzly.

As he got

gm

in reach

him a

lick 'cross the temples,

m
to

brakin' the stock

fifty pieces,

an' knockin'
lick,

him

senseless.

I struv

foller

up the

when. Doc, I war r.,st-n.y

timber toe had run inter the ground, and 1 cuddent VOL. I.

290
git

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
out,

though

I jerked

hard enuf almost to bring


I

my
at

thigh out of joint.


thing,

stuped,to unscrew the

infiirnal

when

the bar
1

cum

too,

and cum

me

agen.

Vim

tuck

him over the head,

and, cochunk, he keeled over.

Oh

but I cavorted

and pitched.
for

Thar war

my

wust enemy, watin'

me

to giv

him

a finisher, an'

/ cuddent

git at

him.

I'd

cummense unscrewin' leg here


fall

cum
body

bar vim cochunk he'd


Doc, / cuddent git
to him.

out of

reach and.

kept workin'

my

round, so as to unscrew the leg, and keep the bar


off
till

cood

'complish

it,

when

jes

as 1 tuck

the last turn, and got loose from the pesky thing,

here

cum

bar,

more venimous than


to

ever,

and

nude that war death


I
let

one out, and comin' shortly.


an' then

him get

close,

cum down

with a

perfect tornado

on

his head, as I

thought ; but the


barrel

old villain had learnt

the

dodge the

jes
off,

struck him on the side of the head, and glanst


slinging itself out of

my hands
1

'bout twenty feet

'mongst the thick cane, and thar

war in a

fix

sure.

Bar but

little

hurt

no gun no
to

knife

no dogs
one
leg

no frens

no

chance

climb

an' only

that cood run.

Doc, I jes cummenst makin' 'polo-

gies to ole Master,

when an

idti struck me.

Doc,

did you ever see a piney woods nigger puUin' at a

THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAR-HUNTER.


sassafras root? or a suckin' pig in

291

a tater patch

arter the big

yams

You has
at that

Well, you can


leg, for it
if I

'magin how I jurkt

wudden

war

the last of pea-time with me, sure, fore bar did. At last they

didn't rise

both

eum

up, 'bout

the

same time, and

braced myself for a death

struggle.

"
bar,

We

fit

all

round that holler!


!

Fust

Fd

foller

and then bar would chase mc Vd make a lick heM fend off, and showin' a set of teeth that no doctor, 'cept natur, had ever wurkt at, cum tearin'

We both 'gan to git tired, I heard the boys and dogs cumin', so did bar, and we were both anxshus to bring the thing to a close 'fore
at
!

me

they

cum

up, though I

wuddent thought they were


time afore.

intrudin' ef they had

cum up some

worn the old leg pretty well off to the second jint, when, jest 'fore I made a
lick,

"IM

the

noise of the boys and dogs


bar,

cummin'

sorter confused

and he made a stumble, and


!

bein' off his

guard

I got a fair lick to the soft to the

The way

that bar's flesh giv in

impresshuns of that leg war an honour mederkal perfeshun for having invented sich
!

weepun

hollered-but you have heered me


to

holler an' I won't describe

in a fair

hand

it-I had whipped a bar hand fight-me, an old, sickly,

V 2

,^

292

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
!

one-legged bar-hunter

Tlie

boys

cum

up, and,

when they

fit over, they swore they would hav thought, 'stead of a bar-fight,

seed the ground

we had

that I
for

had been

euttin' cane

and deadenin' timber war so worked


knife
to
finish

corn-patch,

the

sile

up,
the

they

then

handed

me

work.

"Doc,

les

licker,

it's

dry

talk when
is

will

you make me another leg?


over plenty in the cabin,
!"

for bar-meat
I
feel

not

and

like tryin'

another

A RIDE ON THE BACK OF A BUFFALO.

293

XXIV.
COLONEL CROCKETT'S RIDE ON THE BACK OP A
BUFFALO.

About
Konzas,
a

ten years ago I

fell

in with a

camp of

good piece

oflf

the north fork of the

Canadian.

The Injuns
grin,

kyind a sorter give

me

sorter tanyard

and the old chief

specially

puckered up his pictur like a green persimmon but there were three raal roarers from Salt River with me, so I didn't care a picayoon if it cum to
skulpin.

Besides I was tetotaciously tired, and I

slepp so sound that I wish


for ever if I don't think
it

my

rifle

may hang

fire

would have took some-

thing rougher than an earthquake lo wake me.


I lay
till

So

after daylitc,

and then one of

me comrades

294
shook mc, to

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
tell

nic thv. Injun boys


T

huraah's necst.

had found a took up old Kill-devil, and out I

went, and about a hundred yards from the there war an old buffalo bull with a hundred

camp
little

screeching imps about him, with their bows and arrows. They'd stuck so many arrows in him that he looked as thorny as a honey locus or a porkypine ; but they hadn't got deep enough
to

touch

the rite spot.

First the old

Turk would go

arter

one

full chizzle;

but then another would stick an

his posterity, saving your presence, and round he would turn and arter the little torment like an atc-horse baggage waggin.

arro into

I railly pitied

the old cretur, and sez


let

I,

It are

railly a

shame

to

this uneircumsiscd

Fillistin

defy the

army of

Israel in this ridiculous way.

PH

let

him know

there's a warrant out arter

him," and I wur g^vine to

blaze

away

but an old Injun kort

me

elbow, and

axed

me

if it

were the way in Kcntuck to hinder the


little

children from ''aving a

dust of diversion that

did no

harm

tc

no one.
"if an Injun do
for

"Truth
speak
it,

are the truth," sez I,

and

my

sarvis to

you

the comple-

ment."
After a wile the old devil's baby of a bull laid down, for he'd lost a purty smart chance of
blood.

A RIDE ON THE BACK OP A BUFFALO. found a

295

md
the

out I

and what doz one of the b'ys on his back. The way he
off

do, but gits astraddle

riz

up warn't
afire

camp
little

slou,

and

he

sot as if the prairie

were

red

behind him.
a
rail

TVc

ows and him that


a porkyto

a notion the b'y never rode so sharp

before as that bull's

hump.

The
as a

old Injun the

b^ behmged
and

to

wur

as white
killed,

lump of chalk

for fear his b'y

would be
hits

touch

and he bangs away


belly, for

at the bull

go arter
stick

him

in the
if

an

he wur afraid of breaking the by's leg


at

he squinted

the heart.

nee,

and

That maid the erctur as

torment
ly pitied

ugly as a copperhead in July, and he takes arter the old hero like a whole team of
thunderbolts.

"Run!
mint

run, father!" screeches the

shame to

to the old one,

army of

falling star,"

and

m know
g\vine to

young var"or ir be down on ye like a begun to .ee the old one was in

danger pretty considerably much. So I sung out to the b^ to raze


kivered the
shot
if
crittei-^s
it

ow, and
iider

his leg, cause

it

heart,

and

wish I

the

may be

he didn't do
rifle

ion that

as cool as if I held the breech


that's

of the

at

him and not the muzzle, but

the nature of an Injun.


ijun do

Bang goes

old

Kill-devil

comple-

and down comes old bull-bccf ; but the b'y couldn't walk for a week, and he kyind of thort he'd never
ride bairbacked

on

a buffalo agin, without he seed

ull
r

laid

some

special *casion.

blood.

M
Hi

:;'9e

AMLIIICAN UUMOUll.

XXV.
COLONEI. CROCKETT'S ADVENTURE WITH A GRIZZLY

BEAH.

You may
you,
great

say what you please, and be hanged to

Mr. Stranger,
terrificacious

about your hannjeondy, the

sarpint of Seelon, in South Arncriky, and your rale Bengal tiger from Afriky.

Both on 'em heated


into one,

to a white heat,
a

and welded

would be no part of

priming to a grizzly

bear of the Rocky IMountains.

He'd chaw up your

roonosseros, and your lion, and your tiger, as small as cut tobacco, for breakfast, and pick his teeth with the bones. The cretur's rale grit, and don't

mind

fire

no more than sugar plums, and none of


for themselves.

your wild beastcsscs can say that


t

iDVENTUKE WITH A OHIZZLY HEAR.


I've killed

297

one or two on 'em myself, which ar not

suckers can boast on, tho' thev are pretty god at scalping Injuns. I was delightfully

a thing

many

skecrcd by the fust I ever


tho'
I

saw-no,

that ar a lie

Davy Crockett was never skcercd by anything but a fenialc woman; but it ar
it

say

myself:

a Let that I war tetotaciously consarncd for


life.

my ^

war when I war young I went to massacrec the buffaloes on the head of Little Great Small Deep Shallow Big Muddy River, with my
it

You

sec

nigger

Vy

Doughboy, what
I'd been

give three

hundred

dollars for.

all day, till now, vagabondizing about the without seeing an atom of a buffalo, when T seed one grazing in the rushes, on the edge of a pond, and a crusty old batchcldcr he was. He war a thousand year old at least, for his hide were all kivered with skars, and h-^ had as much beard as would do all the dandies IVe seen in

prau-ic,

Broadway

for

whiskers

and mustashes

hull

year.

His eyes

looked like two holes burnt in a blanket, or two


bullets fired into a

cantankerous
of his
there's
It's life

I see he was a cross what coodent have no cumfort bekays he war too quarrelsome.
feller,

stump; and

If

ennything Davy Crockett's remarkable


spcshally toward

for,

for his tender feelings,

dum

298
crcturs;

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
and
life,

I thort

it
it

would be a marcy

to take to him,

away

his

seeing

war onny a torment


to live,

and he hadent no right


creeps toward

no how.

So I

him

like a garter

snake through the


I

grass, tralein Kill-devil arter


tickle

me.

war a going to

him

little

about the short

ribs, jest to

make

him

feel

amiable,

when out jumps

a great bear^ as

big as Kongress Hall, out of the rushes, and lights

upon the old Jew


only hit
I wish I
if

like a

grey-winged plover.
that

He

him one blow, but

war a

side winder.

may

be kicked to death by grasshoppers,


five

he didn't tare out


all

of his ribs, and laid his


I kinder sorter pitted the

heart and liver


old
feller

bare.

when I see him brought to such an untimely eend, and I didn't somehow think the bear done the thing that war right, for I always
does

my own

skalping,

and

iio

thanks to interlopers.

So, sez I

" I'm a
sence,

civil

and

I won't

man, Mr. Bear, saving your precome for to go to give you no


;

insolations language

but

I'll

thank you, when we

meet again, not


let

to

disremember the old saying, but

every

man

skin his

own skunks."

And
By

with that I iusinnivated a ball slap through

his hart.

the ghost of the great

mammoth

of Big

Bone

ADVENTURE WITH A GRIZZLY BEAR.


Licks, your'd have thort,
teeth,

299

I'd a spoken

by the way he nashed his sumthing onpleasant to him.


if all creation

His grinders made a noise jest as sharpening cross-cut saws by

war

steam-power, and he

war down upon


sand-bar.

me

like the

whole Missouri on a

There's no more back out in Davy Crockett than thar ar go-ahead with the Bunker Hill Monument,
I give him a sogdologer over his coco-nut with the barrel of old Kill-devil that sot him a konsidenng, and he thort

and so

better on

it,

and

sot off after

Doughboy
It's true

as if the devil

had kicked him on eend.


ampersand

Doughboy
him

slipped a ball into his


;

jest as I struck

but that war not what turned


so

him;
It

I grinned
safer to

him out a countenance,

he thort

war

make his breakfast on Doughboy than


taste,

me, which war a thing oncreditable to his seeing I war a white man and he only
Well, I hadn't time to load
O"

a nigger.

my

iron brfore he

;athered

blood mear, and the nigger give himself up for a gone sucker, and fainted away. The bear got up
to

upon Doughboy

like

a Virginny

him

jest as I

war pitting down

my

ball,

and

I expected

to see

him

swaller the b'y without greasing; but he


his nose

no sooner smelt of him than he turned up


in disgust,
as

Isaac

Hill

did when Mr.

Upham

300
If:;

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
away howling
as
if

hosswipt him, and run

his

delicacy was hugaceously shocked

By

this

time I

felt

most inticingly wolfy and

savagerous, and I jest giv

him

a hint that no

man

could neglect that

it

war best to turn in


jest

his tracks,

and

I waited

for

him

on the edge of

Little

Great Small Deep Shallow Big Muddy.


inter

He pitched
and we

me

like the piston of a steam-injun,

both rolled into the drink together.

Onluckily for

him

I didn^t lose holt of Kill-devil,


his head

and when he

raised

and

tried to get over his astonish-

ment, I clapt the barrel right across his neck to shove his visnomy under water. Fll be shot with a packsaddle without benefit of clargy
if

the ridicu-

himself, for he clapped both hands on the eends of the barrel and pulled

lous fool didn't help

me

away

as if

it

war a pleasure

to him.

had nuthing

to do but hold

on to the stock and

float alongside

of

him

till

he war drowned.
telling the least

Don't you come for to say I'm


of a
lie,

for every fool


ball

knows

a grizzly bear will live


if so

an hour with a

through his heart,

be he's

onny mad

enuff.

It

THE BEAR AND THE SWALLOWS.


US

301

XXVI.
COLONEL CROCKETT, THE BEAR AND THE SWALLOWS.

People
lows.

tell

a great

many
if

silly stories

about swalwill

Some

say that

you

kill
tell

one your cows

give bloody milk, and others


ig

as

m the fall
mowses

how they fly away

and come back again in the spring, when

the leaves of the white oaks are jest as big as a ear. Agin, thar ar some that
tell

how

they keep Christmas and


little

fishes, at
tell all

may
lows

the the bottom of some pond; but you them that sez so they are dratted fools

New

Year's

among

Swal' winter in the holler of some old rotten sycamore, and I'll tell
sleep
all

and don't know nothing about the matter.

you how

come

to

find

It

out.

302
I
tlie

AMEllICAN HUMOUR.

war out

airly

in the

spring with n.y

riile

on

banks of the Tennessee, making, np n.y opinion abont matters and things in general, when
all

of

a snd.len T heard a clap of thunder,

and that
I

sot

me
a

a thinking.
tell

"Now/'

scz

I,

-if

war

to .^o

home and
iiar,

of that, the boys would think n.e


call

if

they didn't dare to

mc

so

for

who

ever heard of such a thing as


clear

thunder

under a

sky of a bright spring day And with that I looked up, and agin I heerd the thunder, but It war not thunder anyhow I

could

fix

it

for a

came bodily out of an old hollow sycamore, and it war the noise they made
with the flapping of their win"-s

hull

swarm

of swallors

Now
that
it

thought to myself that them ar


tree,

little

varmints war doing some mischief in the

and

war
felt

my

duty to see into

it;
;

for

you

sel just

then I

hugeously grandiferous

for the nabors


I cut

had made mc a Justus Pease.


saplin' with

So

down

my

knife,

and

set it agin the tree,

chm' up

like a squirrel;

for I

has a smooth bark.

As

and you know a sycamore war bending over the

my

edge of the holler to look down, the saplin' broke under me, and trying to catch at something I lost
balance,

and

fell

down

into the tree head-fore

must.

When

I got to the

bottom I found myself

THE
le

IIEAU

AND THE SWALLOWS.

303

on

tho nastiest critter ever you suw, on account of the swallows' dung, and how to get out T didn't know ; for the hole war deep, and uhcn I looked up I could sec the stars out of the top.
little

to

go

pnt

my hand

Pr,.s(.ntly I into something as soft as a ft-athcr^

bed, and T hcerd an awful growling.

But

it

war
and

only an old bar

woke out of

his winter nap,

war the best man. JJut the kritter war clean amu.ed, and seemed to like my

I out butcher to see which

room

better than

my

company, and made a

bolt to

get out of the scrape most cowardly.

" Hollo, stranger

!" sez T
fair

we don't part comfite

pany without having a

shake for a

;"

and

so,

saving your presence, I clenched hold both his posterities. But finding tho hair war like to give way, I got hold of his stump of a tail with my teeth,

and

then I had him fast enough.

But

still

he kept on

clim'ing up the holler, and I begun to sorter like the Idee; for you know he couldn't get up without

pulhng me up

arter him.

So when he begun

to

e^t tired, I quickened his pace with an awful fundamental poke with my butcher, jest by way of a gentle hint. Before long we got to the top of the tree, and then I got to the ground quicker than he
did,

secmg he come down

tale foremust,

I got

my

shooting iron to be ready for him.

But he kinder

0"

mt m m

"

i!^

304
seemed
i'

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
to got

enough of
if

my company,
ailed

and went

off

squecling as

something

his
;

hinder parts,
for

which I thought a kind of curious

I've

no
less

opinion of a fellow that will take a kick,

much
him

such usage as I give him.


for
it

However,
to

I Ic;

go,

would be onmanly

be onthankful for the


all

sarvis
yet.

he done me, and for

know
I

he's alive
to

And
for, I

it

war not the only thing

had

thank and

him

had a touch of the toothache

before,

the bite I got at his tale cured

me

entirely.
it

Fve
to all

never had

it

since,

and

can recommend

people that has the toothache to chew two inches of


a bear's
tail.

It's a sartin cure.

Thar

ar a

wicked

sight of vartue in bear's grease, as I

know by my

own

experience.

A PRETTY PREDICAMENT.
nd went off
iidcr
)r

305

parts,

I've

no
less

much
Ic;

him

go,

fal

for the

he's alive

d to thank
acforc,
I'cly.

and
I've

d
3

it

to all

XXVII.
A PRETTY PREDICAMENT.

inches of
a wicked

low by

my

When

was a big boy, that had

galling. I got astray in tlie

jist begun to go woods one arternoon

deel, and ^ot pvetty considerable soaked by a grist of rain, I sot down on to a stump, and begun to wring out my leggm's, and shako the drops off of my raccoon

ana bemg wandenng about a good

cap.

Whilst
sleopy,

w,

th,

^^p_

g^^

^.^^

^^

for many a ni^ht before, with a sky blanket over me_,o I gtto sleep pretty soon, and fell to snoring most beauti-

head hack in the crotch of a young troo that growed behind ,e, and shot up n,y eyes. T had laid ont of doors

and

so laid

my

VOL.

I.

306
fill.

AMERICAN HUMOUR.
So soincliow, or soinchovv
else, I

did not wake


I

till

near sundown

and

don't

know when
though

should

have waked, had


at

it

not been for somebody tugging


as
I I
felt this,
I

my

hair.

As soon

wan't

more than half awake,


Slllli

begun
was

to feel to see if

my
I

thum'

nail

was on,

as that

all

the anninniitioii

had about me.


would be
at.
'

I lay still,

to sec what, the feller


I

The

first

idee

had was that a

cussed Ingun was fixing to take off

my

scalp

so I

thought I'd wait

till I

begun

to feel the pint of his

knife scraping against the

ski.i,

and then

should

have

full

proof agin him, and could jerk out his


all

copper-coloured liver with the law

on

my

side.

At

last I felt

such a hard twitch, that


1

roared right

out, but

when

found

my

head was squeezed so


it

tight in the crotch that I could not get


felt like

out,

a gone sucker.
;

I felt raal ridiculous, I

can

assure you
telled

so I
to

began to

talk to the varmint,

and
a
I

him
I

help

me

get

my

head out,

like

man, and
killed him.

would give him

five dollars

before

At

last

my
I

hair

begun
to

to

come out by the

roots,

and then
way.
I

was mad

be took advanta2;e of in that


till

swore at the varmint,

the tree shed

all

its leaves,
M>'

and the sky turned

yaller.

So, in a few
c;all

minutes, I heevd a voice, and then a

cum

run-

A PRETTY PREDICAMENT.
1

807
She soon

not wjikc
1

should

ning up, and axed what was the matter. saw what was to pay, and telled

yfiirrrrincy

me

that the eagles


I

were tearing out


;li

my

I waii't if

hair to build nests with.

see

my
[

had endured more than a dead possum could stand already, and that if she would drive off
I

telled her

iiunitioTi

the eagles,

the feller
IS

would make her a present of an iron

comb.
" That
boat,
I will,"

that
;

a
I

says she

"

for I

am

alp

so

a she steamin

and have doubled up a crocodile

hit of his
I

my

day."

should
out his
side,

'k

my

So she pulled up a small sapling by the and went ,o work as if she hadn't
live.

roots,

another minnit to

ired right

She knocked down two of the varmints, and


rest out of sight.
T

screamed the

ucezcd so
it

Then

I telled

her

the predicament

was in

and she

out,

said she

would
head.

)us, 1
niiit,
it,

cau

loosen the hold that the crotch had on So she took and reached out

my

and
a
I

her arm into a rattle-

like

snake's hole, and pulled out three or four of them.

She

tied

before

out of 'em.

'em awl together, and made a strong rope She tied one eend of the snakes to the
if

top of one branch, and pulled as


the roots,
of in that
!

she was trying

to haul the multiplication table apart.

The

tightalto-

ness about
gether,

my
I

shed

head begun to be
hauled out

different

all

and

my

in a few

cocoa-nut,

though

I left a piece of

one of

my

ears behind.
I could

;um run-

As soon

as I

was

clear,

not

tell

which

X 2

308

AMERICAN HUMOUR,
to look for the sun,

way
fall

and

was afcared

should

into the sky, for I

did not know which way was

up, and which

way was down.

Then

looked at

the gal that had got

me
I

loose

she was a strapper


like a
all

she was as
keel bout's

tall

as a sapling,

and had an arm

tiller.

So

looked at her like

wrath,

and
her:
"
I

as

she

cum down from


may be
utterly

the tree, I says to

wish

onswoggled

if I

don't

know how
any he

to hate an

Ingun

or love a gal as well as


I fell in love with

this side of roaring river.

three gals at once at a log rolling, and as for tea


squalls

my
so
if

heart never shut pan for a minnit at a

time
tree

you

will

marry me,
for

will forgive

the

and the eagles

your sake."
an egg-shell, and
I

Then she turned

as white as

seed that her heart was busting, and I run


her, like a squirri4 to his hole,

up

to

and gave her a buss


So her spunk
as

that sounded louder than a musket.

was

all

gone, and she took

my arm

tame as a

pigeon, and

we cut out
I

for her father's house.

She
for I

complained thai

hung too heavy on her arm,


after laying so

was enermost used up


the branches.

long between

So she took up a stone that would


pound, and put
it

weigh about

fifty

in her

pocket on

the other side to balance agin

my

weight, and so

A PRETTY PREDICAMKNT.
1

309

should

;h

way was

looked at
I

she moved along as upright as a steamboat. She told me that her Sunday bonnet was a hornet's nest garnished with wolves' tails

and

eagles'

strapper
like a

feathers,

and

that she

wore

arm
;

made of
tram.

bran new goun


tail

a whole bear'^-hide, the


said

serving for a

all

wrath,

She

says to

if I

dou't

as well as
1

branch without a cup, could shoot a wild goose flying, and wade the Mississippii without wetting herself. She said she could not play on the piane, nor sing like a nightingale, but she could outscrcam a

she

could

drink

of the

catamount

love with

and jump over her own shadow;


strong horse sense and

she had

good
a

as for tea

new a woodchuck from

nimiit at a

brgive the

was pleased with her, and offered her all my plunder if she would let me split the difference and call her Mrs. Crockett.
I

skunk.

So

bell,

and

run up

to

her a buss

her spunk

She kinder said she must insult her Mhe, before she went so fur as to marry. So she took me into another room to introduce me to another beau that she had. He was setting on the edge
of a grindstone at the back part of the
the mantel-piece
!

tame as a
)use.

room with

his heels

on

She

He had the

skull-bone of a cata-

arm, for I
ig

between

hat would

pocket on

and he was dressed like he had been used to seeing hard times. I got a side squint into one of his pockets, and saw it was full of eyes that had been gouged from
people
of

mount

for a snuff-box,

my

ht,

and so

acquaintance.

knew my

jig

was up, for such a

810
fcllcr

AMEIUCAN HUMOUR.
could outcourt mc, and
I

thort the gal brot

me
the

in

on proppus to have a
to
call

fight.

So
I

turned

off,

and threatened

agin; and

cut through

bushes like a pint of whiskey

among

forty

men.

EN'O OF VOL,

I.

LONDON

Printed by Schulzc and Co., 13, Poland Street.

INTERESTING

NEW WORKS

PUBUSIIEI) BT

18,

^OLBURN ANL CO., GEEAT MAELBOEOUOH STEEET.


OF THE LIVES OF THE aXTEENS.

NEW EDITION

N<o in course ./publication, in Eight Monthly Octavo VoWmc, (oomprinng frm 600 to 700 pages), price 12. each, elegantly bc-nd,

LIVES
OP THE

QUEENS OF ENGLAND.
BY AGNES STRICKLAND.
A
New, Hevised, and Cheaper
Edition,

EMBELLISHED WITH POETEAITS OF EVEET QUEEN.


BEAUTIFULLY ENGRAVED FROM THE MOST AUTHENTIC SOURCES.

th,3

In announcing the new, revised, and greatly augmented Edition of important and interesting work, whicl has been%onsidered unLe
oiographical literature the publishers
'

attention to the followmg extract from the preface :_< A rivised edition of the 'Lives of the Queens of England embodvinp fhe important collections whTch have been brought to light since the appearance
1

beg

to direct

now

from authentic and properly

with the consort of William the Conqueror, occupies that m^sUnTe? restjng and important period of our nadonal chronobgy, from the death of the last monarch of the Anglo-Saxon line, Edward the Confessor to tn;, u^rni^u ui ihe lasc sovereign of the royal house of Stuart, Queen Anne, and comprises therein thirty queens who have worn the crownmatrimonial, and four the regal diadem of this realm. have related

of earlier impresZns offered to the world, embellished with Portraits of every Queen verified sources. The scries,

conimenS

We

COLBURN AND

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NEW

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ni'-

the parentage of every queen, described her education, traced the influence of family connexions and national habits on her conduct, both public and private, and given a concise outline of the domestic, as well as the general history of her times, and its effects on her character, and we have done so with singleness of heart, unbiassed by selfish interests or narrow views. Such as they were in life we have endeavoured to portray them, both in good and ill, without regard to any other considerations than the development of the/acts. Their sayings, their doings, their manners, their costume, will be found faithfully chronicled in this work, which also includes the most interesting of their letters. The hope that the ' Lives of the Queens of England might be regarded as a national work, honourable to the female character, and generally useful to society, has encouraged us to the completion of the task."

OPINIONS OP THE PI ^SS.


" These volumes liavc the fascination of romance united to
tlie

integrity of history.

The work is
judgment.

\vritten

by a lady of considerable leamuig, indefatigable industry, and careful

All these qualifications for a biographer and an historian she has brought to

bear upon the subject of her volumes, and from


to
all,

them has

resulted a narrative interesting

and more particularly interestmg

to that portion of the

community

to

whom

the

more refined rescaixhcs of

literature afford pleasure


all

and instruction.

The whole work


It is a

should be read, and no doubt will be read, by


industry, learning, judgment,

who

are anxious for information

lucid arrangement of facts, derived from authentic sources, exhibiting a combination of

and impartiahty, not often met with in biographers of


In this series of biographies, in which
it is

crowned heads."
"

T:

es.

A remarkable

ai, i

tnily great historical work.

the severe truth of history takes almost the wildncss of romance,


of Jliss Strickland that her research has enabled her to throw
passages, to bring forth fresh facts,

the singular merit

new

light

on

many

doubtful

and

to render every portion of our annals

which she

has described an interesting and valuable study. She has given a most valuable contribution to the history of England, and we have no hesitation in affirming that no one can be said to possess an accurate kno^-'dedge of the history of the country who has not studied
her
'

Lives of the Queens of England.' "

Morning Herald.

There is certainly no lady of our day who has devoted her pen to so beneficial a purpose as Miss Strickland. Nor is there any other

"

A most valuable

and entertainhig work.

whose works possess a deeper or more endur'ng


the
first literary

interest.

Miss Strickland

is to

our mind

lady of

tlie

age."

Morning
She
is

Chronicle.
all

"

We

must pronounce JLoS Strickland

beyo;-.d

comparison the most entertaming

powerful and active mind, as well as of scrupulous justice and l.onesty of purpose." J/arw%Pci*.
certiunly a

historian in the English language.

woman of

" Miss Strickland has made a very


previously collected, and the result
library."

judiciou:is

use of many authentic MS. authorities not a most interestmg addition to our biographical

Quarterly Review.
It contains a

"

valuable contribution to historical knowledge.

mass of every kind of

historical

matter of intereil, which mdustry and research could

collect.

Wc havo

derived

much

entertam'-. >nt

and mstruction from the w irk."Athenceunu

VTIONS.
traced the influa her conduct, both the domestic, as well
ion,

HISTORY AND BIOGKAPHY.


3

MEMOIRS OP noiUCE WALPOLE


ll

on her character, unbiassed by selfish life we have endeaithout regard to any


;s

ins CONTEMPORARIES,

INCLUDING NUMEROUS ORIGIVVT ORIGIXAL LErTKRS, T.^. CHIEFLY FROM STRAWBERRY HILL.

acts.

Their sayings, be found faithfully most interesting of

EDITED BY

iueens of England' :able to the female icouraged us to the

A.THOB OP -THE CRESCENT AND THE

ELIOT WARBURTON, ESQ


CROSS," ETC.
2 vols. 8V0, with Portraits, 28s. bound.

assrciaS
tlie
[ible

integrity of history,

industry, and careful

torian she

has brought to

ed a narrative interesting

community
uction.
3

to

whom

members of his famii; net, the Co.ut, and the racters who became
ties-and
his

connexion with Literature Art Fashion^'n^'p various

nratViSe'^ ''^f''''''^ pore intimately connected with so J .lif?'' "T'""}^: "


?'

"rtK "

- -"X P'-sant
"''^'"^

mi

^ ^ver

^.''^J^'^

connec?,nrHr ^w V''', LegisWe-hl n^'^^'^'P^^^


1

V^ importance of
^'' P^i''"

^'"^

^'"^

Cabi-

the

The whole work


It is a

1-ped, to render his Memoirs

remarkfl^rr br anr'.n"''^^-' ^V/'' *'> ^l'^" "^tellectual quailreputation as aWit rSchohr",.!, v-'""*^

for information

equ^^l^^^^^

it is

hibiting a combination of

with in biographers of
urrx
s of biographies, in
;e, it

v..

OPINIONS OP THE PREBK


Mpmniro V
1

which
'

is

the singular merit

ThoSft

light

on

many

doubtful

*>^<jitlon

of our annals which she

Walpole
political,

a most valuable contribu-

rming that no one can be


intry

who has

not studied

forward oy; swift's Journal' "-^"^ '-I'epys,' carried own day with the histories and CorresDoncWo ''^J''7 of Mr Maoaukv nn'rl t "^ ^^'\f']? ^l"t i" our historical value, which is very considerate J;'? *^^>"- ^^^ides its ft ^nnn as a book of mere ^ estimated too highly amusement."--S3

f
.

no lady of our day who

Nor

is

there any other


is to

Strickland

our mind

nZcIVS^^^^^^^^^ The .vriter has woven

into his narrative a

riSSn?'?''^

these .Memoirs of *^'^ ^'^^ ^^ f"d.

the

most

entertaining

powerful and active mind,


ling Post.

icntic
Ition

MS.

authorities not

to our biographical

a mass of every kind of

" Tliis life of Iloraop W.i^.i the historical 1 brar^^^shouldV. iUustrated with e/ai
'

'ivcrage ot other mea."Messenffer.

cllect.

Wc havo

derived

lew works

and

ta.rSL?.!!!^S7ar """ "^ """' "^ " en.er.aien.

nf

tlio r.,^

^^,?,-^Y,P^ oXpurfater Ws^ cSa'^t^L'^iilf? '^"' '-'c'y


^i
""
'"'^

J^

7''^'"^'^

^"^ ^"t^^esting addition to


Ofl/-ojcfe.

m-^

COLBURN AND

CO.'S

NEW

PUBLICATIONS.

BURKE'S PEERAGE AND BARONETAGE,


NEW
With the

FOR 1851. EDITION, REVISED AND CORRECTED TIIROUUIIOUT FROM THE PERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS OF

THE NOBILITY,
Aims
]

&c.
ami iuporpovatpd
\villi

(loOO
vol.

in

number) arcnnti'ly

onsravoi!,

llio

Tnxt.

Now

ready, in

(comprising as nnuli inaltor as twenty ordinary volumes),

.'iRs.

bound.

TIic following
I.

is

a List of

tlic rriiu-ij lal

Contents of this Standaid Work:


V. The Spiritual I,i)rds. VI. l''or<'ign Noblemen, subjects hy birth
of the Mritish ('rowii.
\'II.

A
A

full

and interesting history of


titli-s,

encli
its
i)ie.

order of tho_ Knglish Nobility, siiDwing


origin, rise,
imninniticvs, privileges,

n. complete Memoir of the (Jueen and Iloyal Family, forming a brief genealogical History of the Sovereign of tliis country, and

Feerages dauned.
I'eers

VIM. Surnames of

and

I'oerosscfl,

deducing the descent of the IMantageiiets, Tudor.s, Stuarts, and Guelplis, through tlieir

appended

various ramifications. To this section is a, list of those IVers who iidieril; tiie distinguished honour of (Quartering tiic Royal Arms of riantagenet.

with Heirs Apparent and I'resumplive. I\'. Courtesy titles of ividest Sons. X. Feeragi's of tho Thrco Kingdoms order of I'reeedence. XI. Marouets in order of I'recedcnce.
Ireland.

in

XII. I'rivy ('ouncillors of Fnglaud and

Authentic table of Prcceib'nee. IFistoky of Am- tiik with the fnlli'st details of tiieir ancestors and descendints, and particulars respecting every collateral member of each family, and all intermarriages, &c.
IV.

in.

An

XII I.
(

Daughters of

I'eers

married

to

perfect

'Onnnon<'rs.

Pkkks and Hakonkts,

MV.
iiiioi),

Ai.i, iTri' OuDi-.UH op- Knkiiii'with every Kniglitandall tlii! Kiiigiits

Uacln'lors.

XV.

Mottoes

trau.'lated,

with

poetical

illustrations.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.


" The most complete, tho most convenient, and tho cheapest work of the kind ever given
to the public."

Sun.

" Tho best genealogical and heraldic dictionary of tho Feeragc and Baronetage, and the
authority on .'ill questions afTectiiig the aristocracy." ^7o/K^ " For tho amazing quantity of personal and family history, admiralile ;irrangenient of details, .and accuracy of information, this genealogical and heraldic dictionary is without a rival. It is now the standard and acknonlcdgiMl book of reference upon all (juestioiis touching pedigree, and direct or collateral adinity with the titled aristocracy.
first

The

lin(!age

of each distinguished houso


collateral branch,

is

deduced through

all

the various ramifications.

livery

however remotely connected, is introduced ; and tho alliances arc ho carefully inserted, as to show, in all instances, the connexion which so intimately exists between the tilled and untitled aristocracy. We have also much most cutertalMing
historical matter,
in fact, a

and many very curious and interesting family traditions. 'I'lie work h, complete cydoptcdia of the whole tilled classes of the empire, .suj.plyiiig all the information that can possibly be desired on the subject." .l/w/y J'ost.


<*#.-,-,

.TrOKS.

iiisnmv AND ukujhaimiy.


r>

HON ETA (IE,


BUUKK'S IIISTOIIY
TIIIIOUUIIOUT
(^NS
01-^

Till:

\M])\]\)

(WmWY,

OF
Tnxt.

vom 1551.

rpoviitod witli Iho

y vulumos),

,'iH.s.

bduiid.

OF

TIIK

WnOLH OF TlIF UNTITLKI) AIMST(H!KAC!V KNCI.ANI), S(OTI.ANI), AND 1I{|;LAND:


c.f

OF

.ndiiiil
I.iinls.
Jiiiuii,
I.

Work:
Bul)joctH
b}-

Comprising rurlin.lars
birtli

l(.n,no I.ulivi^luuls coiuu-cU.l

with U.cin.

'incil.
1'

A COMPANION TO AM. THE PBERAOE8.


(111(1

I'ccr.s

roci'cascs,
l'"'" .3" ordinary
in

ami
IS iif

I'n'.suiii|itivo.
I'lldcsl

Sons.

voluni....,, ,,ric

10

Thiou KingdoiiiH

only

>/. ,.., ,,,,,u..ly

b,.und i Jll ,

'
clo.h.

dor of I'lTCcdciKi'.
illors

of Miij^lMiid
iimnii'd

and
"
to

of

IVcra

oven

1
^

Id
Oi!i>i;nH
iglit
oi.'

^'

! .Ml

"

"" ''"""'^ """""^'''^ ^'"''


is

^''"

-n>.a,,,uandan,.. with Ih-.n

a mnll,.ror

,K.c...ily

"^'''-^ '^'^^^'^ "^ " with Iho l,.p.,-

Knkhii'-

iindMll tli(!Kiiij;lit.s
witli

iislatcd,

poetical

b
I
"
I

b.ooght
-

T
tog,.tI.r.

""

7'':
,.,|,,.

'"' "'"''
'

'^""'"''"" ""'''

'^

""-'* "'-<l'-n<i<= information

I,,

, ,i,|
in
f.et,

fi|i,,,

,.

,.^,^

jetage

,u..,,4

o.s

,,

..

the

titl.d,
tla,

and form,,

a peerage of the nntitl-d

ibi-aeestewholeol
n leman.

ari.stoera

of

llin

kind ever given

nd niduees
id Baronctagp,

and tbo

supply tlieinHclves with

lan.lcd interest, and in indi.,.nsaMe to Ih.Mibrary of every he gr.at eost atl.uding the ,.rodu, tion of ilds National Work, the first of it, he pu d>her t. hope tlu.t the heads of all families nxorded in ita pagea will
eojiiea.

lii'alilc

arrangoiiirnt of
it

diclioiiary is without
ic(!

upon

all

(jueslioiis

stocracy.

The

liiieap-

rumificatioiiK.

Ilveiy

d
;ii

tlic

aliianrf'.'i

an; so
exists
fllllei

HO

iiitirnati'ly

ich most ciitertaiiiing


.ditiori.s.

^v-'---

-'''' '''

^'

':"""''"""

^^ill

'i'"l

'!">:

'i'he

work

i,><,

pin-, .suiiidyiiig all


'

tli's

rout.

COLBURN AND

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GERMANY;
ITS COURTS, CAMPS,
Second and Clieapcr Edition.

AND PEOPLE.

BY THE BARONESS BLAZE DE BURY.


2 vols. 8vo, 21s. bound.

This work comprises a complete picture of the various courts, camps, and people of the Continent, as they appear amidst the wreck of the recent revolutions. The author possessed, through her influential connexions, peculiar facilities for acquiring exclusive information on the topics treated ot.^ She succeeded in penetrating into provinces and localities rarely visited by tourists, and still glowing with the embers of civil war, and fol-

lowed the army of Prussia in Germany, of Russia in Hungary, and of Radetzky in Itnly. Her pages teem with the sayings and doings of almost all the illustrious characters, male and female, whom the events of the last two years have brought into European celebrity, combined with
graphic views of the insurrectionary struggles, sketches of the various aspects of society, and incidents of personal adventure. To give an idea of the scope and variety of the contents of the work, it need only be mentioned that among the countries visited will be ^ound Prussia,
Austria,

Hunga-y, Bavaria, Saxony, Servia, Styria, the Tyrol, Hanover, Brunswick, Italy, &c. To enumerate all the distinguished personages with whom the writer had intercourse, and of whom anecdotes arerelated, would be impossible but they include such names as the Emperors of Austria and Russia, the Kings of Prussia, Hanover, Bavaria, and Wurtemberg, the Count do Chambord (Henry V.), the Queens of Bavaria and Prussia, the ex-Empress of Austria, the Grand Duke of Baden, the Archdukes John, Francis, and Stephen of Austria, Duke Wilhelui of Bruns;

wick, the Prince of Prussia, Prince


anyi,

Madame Kossuth,

actors in

Gagern, Schwarzenberg, Bekk, Esterhazy, the Ban Jellacic, Win'dischgratz,Radetzky, Welden, Haynau, Wrangel, Pillersdorf, Kossuth, Blum Gorgey, Batthyany i, Pulszky, Klapkn, Bern, Dembinski, Ilecker, Struve, &c.

John of Saxony, the Countess Batthythe statesmen, generals, and leadingthe revolutionary movements, we meet with Radowitz, Von
&c.

Among

'''"''''"^
liffht'^o^n

mfSrTJ^if"*^! ^'I

^ J^^^^i"g

^uch and

'""i'^'-

richly- coloured

With Lady

Mai^ V^ortl^ i^nSgii^Sr^'^i^.^Sct^^"'^^^^^^"

Sgg!g*>wwwaiitea

IONS.

HISTORY AND BIOGRAPHY.

NOW
'EOPLE.
.

COMPLETE, THE CHEAP RE-ISSUE, IN FIVE VOLUMES, POST OCTAVO,


&C.,

WITH PORTRAITS,

HANDSOMELY BOUND, PRICE

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P E P Y

S'
AND

ms

DIARY

'reck of the recent


jntial

connexions,

CORRESPONDENCE,
ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE REIGXS OP CHARLES IL AND JAMES IL

the topics treated


I

localities

rarely

civil

war, and fol-

Ilungary, and of 1 doings of almost

EDITED BY LORD BRAYBROOKE.


This Edition contains all the passages restored froji the oeiginal MANUSCRIPT, and all the Additional Notes.

he events of the combined with


es of the various

To give an idea eed only be menPrussia, Austria,

CKITICAL OPIiflONS.
EDINBURGH REVIEW.
its"ill7lrchtn"5'''T'*''^'
''"' ^""'"'^^ "^ '^''

Hanover, Brunspersonages with


otes are related,

^^* i-cmarkablo production of

Emperors of ivaria, and Wurthe


is

of Bavaria and

[iaden, the

Arch-

else. His Diary makes ua '"'"'* ""^^^ ^ "^'^ ^''' --l - people who bore in trrtnT them "^T"'"^' and gives us more clear glimscs into the true English life of the times than a the other memorials of them that have come down to our own."

narchs and the timos, in more vivid colours tliau any one

l^t

ilhelm of Bruns;^ountess
?rals,

ATHEX^UM.
.^ '^' ''""^ "' ^^"^ ^""^'' language. The new matter is extremely oZ!!!^''1'''' curious, and occasionally far more characteristic and entertaining than the old. The writer is seen in a clearer light, and the reader is taken into his inmost soul. 'Pcpys' Diary IS the ablest picture of the age in which the writer lived, and a work of standiid " importance English literature."

Batthy-

and leading

Eadowitz,
llacic,

Von

WindischKossuth, Blum,

QUARTERLY REVIEW.
"'Pepys' Diary- throws a distinct and vivid light over the picture of England and "' P'''^'^ succeeding the Restoration. If, quitting the broad pattiof history we look for minute information concerning ancient manners and customs, the progress of arts and sciences, and the various branches of antiquity, we have never

:cker,Struve,&c.

tlTJ'^T

T^

id
.

richly- coloured

All the courts, before us. The d especially intea compaiison

seona mine so rich as these volumes. The him into almost every department of life.
tion,

a
as

man of wMm,
an

sar

ori..-.przr.

onide.
i

wen

variety of Pepys' tastes and pursuits led He was a man of business, a man of informaand, to a certain degree, a man of pleasure. He was a statesman, a virtuoso, and a connoisseur. His curiosity made him an unwearied, as

universal, learner,

and whatever he saw found

its

way into his

tables.**

-^
li-HHfH^

COLBURN AND

CO.'S

NEW

PUBLICATIONS.

THE LIFE

Am
By
I.

EEI6N OF CHARLES L
DISRAELI.

A NEW EDITION. REVISED BY THE AUTHOR, AND EDITED BY HIS SON, B. DISRAELI, M.P.
2 vols., 8vo, uniform with the Curiosities of Literature," 28s. bound.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.


the most important work on the important age of Charles I that modern times have produced."Qar<er/i/ Review.

J' By far

taZnn^rfi.^'?rmoment and he
;

'^''''^*^^'*

^^' republication of his father's

Commen-

ilct at^fl

indicates the well-known chapters on the Genius of the Papacy ' of rrotestant sovereigns with Roman Catholic
'

sub!

if tt present T^-: ""T"^'^'' of the agitated epoch.' In

'''' ''''''''' *'^Shts,

passions,

and perplexities

particular, he observes, that the sLie of '""'' *^" "'^' ^^^"^ '^' of tl present hour, and tha ';. ""'"f the reader is almost tempted to substitute the names of his personal acquaintances for those of the courtiers of Charles. No apology was

WaTtW
"At

"--*--

rifL'c'Bi::::;^!"^^^
the end of 250 years, Rome and England are engaged in a controversy he same ob ect as that in which they were committed at the commlnce^ ment of the seventeenth century; and no where will the reader find t^e circumstances of that controversy, its aims, the passions which it evoked, the'nand its resmts, better described thanin^e^.^

tang

^^::^:.:Z^'''
meTrirf
r^ whoL ? Lown on ir^v
ti^ni

'^^ *^' ^^'^ ^'- ^^^^^^^^'^ ^^-^^^^^^^ ^^^ I^^^ned commentaries on*;r the '"''r*^ great events of the Revolution, and the times that led to it, V'.^^ ^^^"-'^"t^d its republication. To those, however,

to

''"

''"^"^^' '^^ ""^ '^''' '''''' ^"*hor's r;searches are

the most vital topic of our present religio-poUtical existence, will give the reap^ pearance of the work an additional value._^ntonea.
^ ^''*?' ^- '"^"^'''^ * ^^''^*"' ^^' 5 our opinion, nnl?.' ought to ^''*T, have that standard character.-G<;-.iW'5 Magazil
this

work

la,,

^,#,^.J_J.y,J^,J^^

ONS,

HISTORY AND BIOGRAPHY.

ARLES

I.

LIVES OF THE PRINCESSES OF


By

EDITED

EDITOK or THE -..ETTEPS OE HOYAL AND a.i;;T,IOUS LADIES" vols.,


3

MKS EVEREST GREEl^

EMUm
"

post 8V0, with lustrations, los. 6d. each, bound.

OPINIONS^FTHE PRESS
'

28s.

bound.
to the lean^ed

.odd ly her excellent


licr

has executed

task

,vitl,

accuracy. There is a gfacl c of romance and adventure tfat

and

L" of great skill nnd fiXi;

cot

"

Le
i

te^:S;'r Illustrious Ladies, ^^ ^" [rf


^

""^^^ ''^

f Charles

I.

that

companion of the boudoir nr^I has Ltered upon an toc^;

1^1^^^ fjl
.

nSS

'''''''' '''''^'

''''Z''"^':
,'

'-^-cl

?""' 7"'"'

"^'^

"f n
,

'^'''

T^?'

'

^'^J ,^1';"/ r"


I

*^' """'^ at once au agreeable ''!"''^^ ^"^^'^^^-

^^^

--

ther's

'

Commen-

novelt,veryalluvig.Thefu.sttSt;intf^^^^^:^^^^^ ^''':"Sjiie carry us from tlie daughters of the Tn,,.,

of twenty-five Princesses)

ed at the present us of the Papacy,


in Catholic sub-

-ti.es thane^nthegrap;!-^^^^^^^^
can only

and perplexities
lat
js

the stories of of the present

::ti:;l::[^.;;r.S?i:;::;r
arri

he

names of

his

Mrs. Green has selected a work which will enable u o


field

The

Knui-^n
J^t

book ^^^ -'- ^^".3 ^^^ '''''''1^'^^'^^^ accomplishment,


interesting
'" ^ts

No
il

apology was a work as that

characters of the royal hdTes of and gratitude of tlfe

ct^

En,,!
eco

TT
cl

T-T''

^^''- ^'"''''' '"^

^'""g

^ ^^'^ ^orld
'-P-t
'-^
'"^'"J

'^'"l'

''" ^"-'^te histories and personal


*

researches, not only into


civilised

Thf :bour:f

En^h

Tnd
e of

I'rT'' '
^

"'"''

'''' ^ ^'^

?'! ''"''"^'^ ^"^*'


^^^

country

i'n

Europe?

n a controversy t the commenceler find the cir-

She has a fine perceptionofcharacterandm.Lers^^^^^^ The memoirs ^r -T'^''^'^'^^^^^^^-^'^^^ '"'^' "'^ ^^* w!i? ^ ^P'"* of romantic adventure."Morning Post.
ofjudgment.

^es

M-

^^^'^

'^"'' of almost every

'SytSt

evoked, the in-

than in this exid learned


I

comit,

that led to

more diversified tLn that of tle^uels of heroines were, for the !^ most pa fo eT4 Pr ,f tory of this country. The Prince of
it is

its

^T. f n' ? T.*^


,

"'^^^^'^"^' '^^^""^^
^^^^. ^I'l^'-ugh

se,
I

however, to

researches are

tive bearing
1

on

give the reap-

Qion, this

work

^"g'^''. connoted wih'^'" quently, afford us """ '"''"'" '"^'''"'' a g impse -^ Je ' " customs and of the chief European kingdoms, a circumstance whic not o^ which is likely to rende; i '='^ '' '''''''^''^' ' ;ecl, ! u etl if!'' association the ^"g^"'- ^7 contemporaneous itoy of^-a^^ r^^^^^^^ with an earnest simplicitv " histories are related and rn^Jn,,/ i- -V being wearied, and ^'! "''" " "'<'^^ ^^'^"* ly e fvened bf ^on^e spirited description, or tonehe,! h. 8omer,atI,.f,vLfH~-r-" r "'^.. ^^ '^^^- ^^^^" --' to general aUemu;:; P-^^^^ ;SZ:;ssa;:i;^;^'^ ^"^cessanly) as useful as histoiy, and fully as romance."-5. entertaining as
all

but their lives are nearly

L Lh^d?'

?f f'^''''^ "'"^ ''"^' '"""^^ ^


'

*^ l"^-

""'"''^

'"" *'^"^^'^^^

He

aSt

"

10

COLBURN AND

CO.'S

NEW

PUBLICATIONS.

MADAME PULSZKl'S
THE LATE EVENTS
With an

MEMOIRS.

Comprising Full and Literesting Details of

IN

HUNGARY.

Historical Introduction by FRANCIS PULSZKY, Late UnderSecretf "v^ of State to Ferdinand, Emperor of Austria and

King of Hungary.
<

Dedicated to the Marcliionces of Lansdowne.

vols.,

post 8vo, 21s. bound.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.


" The nationality of the people, tbeir martial prowess, and present unhappy fate, have invested Hungary with the interest of a second Poland, and Western Europe must be naturally desirous to learn something of their civil and social life. These volumes are the joint production of M. and Madame Puiszky. While the latter records her impressions and recollections of Hungarian life, wo have to thank M. Puiszky for a very able summary of the history of Hungary, from the days of Arpad to the reign of Ferdinand the First, and the reform movement a history which abounds in interesting incidents and useful lessons for the statesman and the philosophic historian. Madamo Pulszky's narrative of her wanderings and dangers is agreeably diversified with sketches and anecdotes from Magyar life, as well as with ancient legends from Hungarian history and modem passages in the late war of independence. It cannot fail to excite an interest in all classes of readers in those who open a book only for amusement, as well as in those who look for something more cnd\XT'mg."i:dinburffh Review.
"

We need hardly inform our readers that the authoress of this work is the accomplished

of the gentleman who was originally accredited to tho English cabinet by the provisional government of Hungary. The private interest attaching to the recital of events which have become so famous would insure a wide popularity for Madame Pulszky's book. But we should very much under-Picimate its value if we so limited our praise. The memoirs, indeed, contain sketches of social life which are worthy of a place by the side of Madame do Stael de Launay and Madamo Campan. But they are also rich in political and topographical information of the first character. Madamo Puiszky was in the habit of direct intercourse with the foremost and most distinguished of the Hungarian generals and statesmen, and has given a complete summary of the political events in Hungary, from the arrival of the Hungarian deputation in 1848, to tho treason of General Gorgey on tho 13th of August, 1819. M. I^ilszky has also prefixed a valuable introduction, which gives the most complete history of Hungary that has ever issued from tho English press." Globe.
\vife all tho charms of romance, these volumes possess the graver Interest of hisFull of personal anecdotes, historical reminiscences, and legendary associations teeming with interesting adventures, rich in social illustration and topographical description, the memoirs present to all classes of readers an attraction quite independent of the recent important events, of which they give so clear and connected a narrative."Jforrejwg' Post.

" With

tory.

i,i

" In this most interesting book we have revealed in the characteristic memoirs of an eye-witness the whole story of Hungary and its revolution. Tho intrigues of Latour with Jellachich, the treachery of the court, the part taken by Kossuth and other emuient characters, the Hungarian deputation to the Emperor, and the final breach between Hungary and Austria,, are told as forcibly as simply."Da i/j^ Netvs. " It is impossfOle mat the great Hungarian struggle for freedom can ever find a histo

j"...i.j

>!

iitCTitHive, iiivic BiiiCcic

Hi

j^.'iivicLiuii,

ur Luuru UUJUUUS lO

do

full justice to

the truth than

Madame Puiszky." Observer.

%mM.

["IONS.

HISTORY AND BIOGRAPHY.

11

;moirs.
of

DIARY AND CORRESPONDENCE


OF

i^ARY.
IZKY, Lato Underistria and

JOHN EVELYN,

F.E.S.,

Author of " Sylva," &c.

A NEW
)st

EDITION, REVISED

8vo, 2l8. bound.

AND ENLARGED, WITH NUMEROUS ADDITIONAL NOTES.


post 8V0, price lOs. 6d. each, with Illustrationa.

UNIFORM WITH THE NEW EDITION OP PEPYS' DIARY.


In 4
unhappy fato, have Western Europe must
;nt
ifc.

vols.,

N.B.-Tho

These volumes are records her imprcs^ulszky for a very ablo ho reign of Ferdinand I interesting incidents ,n. Madamo Pulszky's 'ith sketclies and auecungarian history and to excite an interest in ;it, as well as in those
ter

First

Two

Volumes, comprising n,e Diary," arc now ready.

Correspondence ofJohnEvelvn has lnn^i.o been regarded as an invaluable record of opinions and event, aslefl n !,^^ the most interesting exposition we possess of the taste Lan^ during the latter l.lf of these'ite^^^^^^ rations on the poHtics, ''?"''' ''^''literature, and sc en e of hfalf ^''' ^^"^S 1"^ travels in France and Italy: his residenro in 1

^6 ^iajy and

mann^

Z7
^
i

-,

the accomplished cabinet by the liing to the recital of for Madame Pulszky's so limited our praise, >rthy of a place by the >it they are also rich
)rk is

iglish

subsequent reigns, intersnproprl

w.-fi,

-narles II.

and the two


^*^

,-

-ost ..ebrated^e;:
respondence of

roTrat;l7T^^^^
with

Lelyn

1^

nf

Original Letters from Si

r ^^^t^"^"

'^

'' '''^"^"''^ *^^"

ELrrdNi.,

C^^' contemporaries; also

Madamo
t

Pulszky was

distinguished of the mmary of the political in 1848, to the treason Iso prcdxed a valuable it has ever issued from

Edward Hvde /lori pi ] Clarendon) to Sir Edward Nicholas, and to Sir Richard a i r-"' Ambassador to France, during the of the British Court. exUe

during some in^portlfpfrtrof^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ numerous letters from Sir

IWn
M-

^7

''''''^''' ''"^

graver Interest of hisegendary associations

on and topographical
'action quite

indepen-

re-examination of the orSnal annotations as wiU make


jects referred to

rr 1?.

""^

f
'

"^

"' ^''''^''' ^^"^ '"''^'^

"^^ '^

"^"^*^^'^""

''

^""^ "^^
^'^b-

md connected a narrateristic
10

by "xe D^rist

'"'''^^""* "^^' *^^ """^^^"

memoirs of an intrigues of Latour

Kossuth and other and the final breach ily News,


can ever And a histo11,

tion.

ab2?n"tht?iTdl^^^^^^^^^^ Indeed, no change of

science, have impaired or forward to an whTeh weU to bear the example

inhSnce
j_-iv^

or Luoro uiLxious to

19

imi+ow.^

^?"^ ^^o looks undpr ".f^J'^' .^^' * ^"^^^^^ ^^'1 ^o ofelyn hSnSV.fS''^'^^^ inmsmmd, '*^v" in as containino' nr.*>.!n .,.i_T.-^ ,

mnm^

Son

i-.^

^ '" ^he utmost venera^u2 I''S alteration of taste, no

revolution of

K?s

his cliaracter something for Lriation perfect model.'-QuamrlyTw "'

ff

fn

'?"!' '''^^?^' "^^^ ^"^ rn ^ ^^*''^ gentleman


,

'

he

is

the

12

COLBUIIN

AND

CO.'S

NEW

PUBLICATIONS.

r*'

BURKF/S DICTIONARY OF THE


EXTINCT, DORMANT, &

ABEYANT PEERAGES

OF ENGLAND, SCOTLAND, AND IRELAND.


Beautifully printed, in 1 vol. 8vo, containing 800 double-column pages, 21s. bound.

cacli generation, and bringing the lineage, in all possible cases, through either collaterals or temales, down to existineliouses. It connects, in many instances, the new with the old nooiuty, and it will in all cases show the cause which has influenced the revival of an extinct dignity in a new creation. It should be particularly

This work, formed on a plan precisely similar to that of Mr. Burke's popular Dictionary ct tlie present 1 ccraEe and Baronetage, comprises those peerages which have been suspended or extmguished smce the Conquest, particularising the members of each family in

dignities pass

nppertams nearly as much to extant as to extmct persons of distinction; for though away, it rarely occurs that whole families do.

noticed, that this

new work

CO NT
1.

T
c.

S.
issue,

Peerages of England extinct by failure of


issue, attainder, &c., alphabetically, according to Surnames.

Peerages of Ireland, extinct by failure of


attainder,

&c.,

alphabetically,

2.

Baronies

by Writ England in abeyance, and still vested probably in existing heirs.


8.

according to Surnames. Baronies by Writ Ireland in


ance.

abey-

3.

Extinct and Abeyant Peerages of England, according to titles.

Peerages of Ireland, extinct and abeyant, alphabetically, according to Titles. Peerages of Scotland, extinct by failure
'ue, attainder,

4.

Charters of Freedom Charter of Forests.

Mag-

>

Cliarta
10.

&c., alphabetically,

'jctinct

6. Roll of Battel

Abbey.

according to Surnames. Peerages of Scotland, alphabetically, according to Titles.

MEMOIRS OF SCIPIO DE
LATE BISHOF OF PISTOIA AND PRATO
Cheaper Edition, 2
vols. 8vo, 12s.

RICCI,

REFORIVIER OF CATHOLICISM IN TUSCANY.


bound.
leading feature of this important work is its application to the great question at issue between pur Protestant and Catholic fellow-subjects. It contams a expose of the Romish Church Establishment during the eighteenth century, and

The

now

compS
Tthe

MADAME CAMPAN'S MEMOIRS


OF THE COURT OF MARIE ANTOINETTE.
vols. 8vo, with Portraits, price only 12s. The same in French. perused so entertaining a work. It is as a mirror nf thfi mnsf anlpn. aid Court in iiurope, at a time when the munarchy had not been shorn of any of its beanal ' that It is particularly worthy of attention." C/wonicfe.
,.

^Cheaper Edition, 2

''^^

ha,ve

Mldom

)NS.

HISTORY AND BIOGRAPHY.

13

PEERAGES
ID.
ges, 21s.

ANECDOTES OF THE ARISTOCRACY


AND

bound.

iCh
's

popular Dictionary have been subof each family in

EPISODES IN ANCESTRAL STORY. By J. BERNARD BURKE, Esq


Author of " The History of the Landed Gentry utntry, "
<

either collaterals or 6 new with the old the revival of an hat this new work notion; for though

Skccd A.n CHBM.KU

Thn P r, Uw Peerage and Baronetage," &c.


post 8V0, 2Is. bound.

E.ZXXOX, 2

vols.,

^^^P^S^
generally known, and yet

or tLo .est

ixtinct
:c.,

by

failure of

alphabetically,

nes.

Ireland
Bxtinct

in

abey-

and abey-

according to Titles.
extinct by failure tc, alphabetically,
nes.

Scotland, alphato Titles.

whom, in this country, tirrecor ^'"^^ ^'^^'^^ ^^th tlfe *'i sessed a peculiar attJiiction The aneSot s^Jtt'r- )''' '^7^^ P^^' corded go far to show that there ^'.'^ rearc more marvels n creations of fiction. Let ^'^*^ *^^" '^ the the reader soot v.,l "^f^ at whatever period he ^^^^ever book, "\ and wH T';' ^"^ * ' aggerated reality here unfoTd'ed '"^P ^^e unex-

*.'\' ?"^>^^-' ^"^t some eveni ness, some curious trJJditlTnterwove* withTtslrnf^ '*' "^' '' S^''"'castmg a gloom over the brilliancy """''' '' "^e calamity of ;< J i to attract the attention of ia Serl of socLTv ^^^f Z^'^^ ^'^""* ^^^ particularly refers, and must eoSv in A.of^.i '^^'''^ *^^ ^^k more

tvery eminent fhmSy

Low

fu

"'^

^"'^"."^

^ *^ Aristocracy

is

-nr?V'

'

Xl

tnrr.7

maTyeTnou2

ICCI,
ANY.
;rcat question

noble houses and aristocratic families, and has iu ttn t"''' ^"^''' ""dprfvate, of our the library, and render them '''"P', ^^"'^^ the f 't ^f^'}, the romance of real life. Tliese stories, witl, aU the reSv nf f'. r'l 'f^ interested in

the'^^^^S'S^SSr^^Sc^
m

"- -?tsthg

tales,

and

them

vSe

"L

now

itams a complete
itury,

and of the

particulars of the

ROMAmC
IRS
IE.
me
if

RECORDS OF DISTINGUISHED
FAMILIES.

Being the Second Scri of " Anecdotes of the Aristocracy." By J. B. BUEKE, Esq.
2 vok, post 8vo, 21s. bound.

in French.

the niost snlening picture-gallery

any of its beams,

BuSS made'SL'^LtotS^^^
Sonie of thl T^^tf^i^^-f
^'^''"?',

'""^

andUe faLieTareSeplenteTS

S^^^T

"'^'^'"S

^^'^'^^^

^''f^^

""^'

^-^--7, Mr. "^^S to his interest*''^"^' "

"^^

zssc

fi

14

COIaBURN

and

CO.'S

new

PUrLICAlIONS.

IIISTOlliC SCENES.
By

AGNES STllICKLAND.
1

Author of " LiTO of the Queens of EnKhind," &c.


" This attrnctivo volume
is

vol.,

post 8vo, elegantly

bound, with Portrait of the Author,


it will be found, wo doubt not, in tlio in those of their parents, to uU nud instructive." UriUmma.

lOa. Gd.

ropleto witli interest. Lilco Miss Stricltlaiul's former worlcs, hands of youthful branches of a family, as woll as

each of

whom

it

cannot

fail

to be alike

amusing and

" Tliis delightful book will speedily become n reigning favourite terestiug compositions abound in delicate and rohned sontimeut imagination und tl"> utmost poetic beauty." Weekly Chronicle.

:,

These deeply inglowing flights of

LETTERS OF ROYAL AND ILLUSTRIOUS LADIES OF GREAT BRITAIN,


ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE HISTORY OF ENGLAND.
I (

Now

first

published from the Originals, with Introductory Notices.

By

MARY ANN EVERETT GRFEN,


Author of " Li
.

3S of the Princesses of

England."
&c., ISs.

Cheuper Edition, 3

vols.,

with Facsimile Autographs,

bound.

GENERAL
FROM
1847 to

PEPE'S

NARRATIVE

OF THE WAR IN ITALY, 1850; INCLUDING THE SIEGE OF VENICE.


first

Now

published from tho original Italian Manuscript. 2 vols., post 8vo, 21s. bound.

Cerman generals Lombardy the crash of tho Parisian llcvolution-tho rise of tii, populaceof Milan against Radctzky, tho declaration of Charles Albert, and advanc of Sardinian troops tho battle of Goito-thc exultation of feeling in Rome and Floroncotlie night of the Grand Duke of Tuscany-tho revolution in Naplcs-tho treachery of Pope and King-thc dreadful massacre in Naplcs-the disasters of Charles Albcrt-tho bombardment of Broseia-tho glorious defence of Venicethe flight of tho Pope from ljx)mc tho arrival of Mazzini tlio proclamation of the Republic from the Capitol the invasion of the Itoman States by tho armies of Spain, Austria, Franco, and Naplcstne fall ot Vcmco and of Rome and tho whole chain of events down to tho Pontiffs return. AtheHccum,
'

" The frrnnd features of tho recent Italian movement in favour of a national existenco liavo liad no other sucli authentic i)ortraiture as tlioso volumes convoy. Tho State documents and letters which the work contains make it indispensable to tho historian of these times. Tliowliolo pa-iorama of tho llovolutionis licro gone over tho reform movement bogmningat Rome-tin agitation caused tliercby in Florence and Naples, thenco spreadnig to Sicuy, Piedmont, and Austrian Italy-tho threats and b st;lo attitude of tho Court of \ lenna-tho spirited revolt of the Sicilians the increased am-

>

"VVo predict

liiat posterity will

tS^'-sfandard

>"'"ieteontli

accept General Popo as the historian of the great century. His work is worthy of all commcnda-

)NS.

HISTORY AUD UIOGRAPIIY.


15

THE

li^V.
Mt
3(1.

I{.

8to, elegantly

MIIMAFS LIFE OF
2 vok., iKwt 8vo, 2is. bound.

TASSO.

Iiind'a

former works, a family, as well as

e alike

amusing and read."Alhermtm.

These deeply inglowing Higbta of

extensively
'

m^'SS^,^'>^y
JHr.

vc^

gooa

TLo work will .

_
find
)f

a .

^^

i-laco in ,

every
>

Mu;nan'M Motnn; r

'T

JS

LADIES

zr''^orS"^i^T:zr^i';r^^^;^^
MEMOms

Ins

worka."^aA

GLAND.
ory Notices.

AS!)

CORKESPOmiEiWE OF

SIE
i:.N,

ROBERT MURRAY KEITH I B

188.

bound.

ATIVE
OP VENICE.
ipt.

vols.,

post 8vo, with Portraits, 25s. bound.

Caroline Matildi

Qneen

of

' the conspiracy of Struensce. and tive enemy tho Qneen-Motl er

Dc^X
.

coX
al
and
i

national cxisteuco >nvcy. The State Ic to the historian

Ambassador.

Sh- IJobert

Keith
;

Courts of Dresden and Vienna

overtlio reform reuco and Naples, 3 and b.8^:loatti3

creasodf lun' n the rise of Dn and advane of


>

"

considerable light on the diploniatic many curious particulars of the rreat interesting documents

^ l^^uf^:JZcn:'^''
"r

tdT Tf le w "
^^^
1 '

LtSmfate

^?'"'

"' ^''P"''"^-'
^^'-^^

^^^^

'^''^ "^'
' "^'^''P^^^'^"

^"^'^'^'^ '"

^^^^
f'

'---J-t'- British
'^*

f ''t -T
f

r''''V
"^"

'"

''^^"^'^''

*^-

'''"'''

'"^'^
'

monTn
se

comp

'

ne and Florence -the treachery of harles Albert tho of tho Pope from om the Capitol
nco, and Naples n to tho Pontiffs
jrian of the great of all commcnda-

King of rssia; CarolL^M Ih' Ouoon f n Ferdinand of Brunswick Kaunitz, a:-l clrtonski; Dul oTclr^^^^^^ Newcastle; Lords Storm ,^"^^^"^' ^^^ontagu, ani n St AsCpl So H Ir'f
'

uTu

^7
1

'""' ^""'^"^ "' ^'^^'y ,n '; "'" ^'J^""'i-^tters from Frcdcrfek,

T.,

"^'

'^''^<^<=

conveying

^T

'

we
piquant TK^rsoine^^^^^^^^

Uean^abroad,

with t^^ok

J^\^^]^S^^Z^^l^t phasesfbVS

^un...sip

16

COLBIIRN

AND

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NEW

PUBLIC ACTIONS.

CAPTAIN CRAWFOKD'S REMINISCENCES OF

MYAl
WITH SKETCHES OF ADMIRALS
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LIFE;
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&c.

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CAREW,
8VC-,

with Po 'traits, 21s. bound.

cannot fail of being popular in every portion of our sea-girt isle, and of being read witli delight by oy all who feel interested in the right hand of our country its Navy." Pit/mouth Herah 'd.
I

A work which

REVELATiO^S
H-

OF PRINCE
By M. COLMACHE,

TALLEYEAm

THE TRINCE's PKIVATE biXUETARY.


Second Edition, 1 volume, post 8vo, with Portrait, 10s. 6d. bound.

" A more interesting work has not issued from the press for many years. It is in truth a complete Bos well sketch of the greatest diplomatist of the age."Sunday Times

Now

ready,

Volujie

Xl., price 7s., of

HISTORY OF FRANCE, FROM THE PERIOD OF THE CONSULATE IN 1800, TO THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO.
M. A. THIERS'
A SEQUEL TO
Having

HIS HISTORY OF THE

FRENCH REVOLUTION.

times the high olEces of Minister of the Interior, of Finance, of Foreign Affidrs, and President of the Council, M. Thiers has enjoyed facilities beyond the reach of every other biographer of Napoleon for procuring, from exclusive and authentic sources, the choicest materials for his present work. As guardian to the archives of the state, he had access to diplomatic papers and other documents of the highest importance, hitherto known only to a privileged few, and the publication of which cannot fail to produce a great sensation. From private sources, M. Thiers, it appears, has 1"^^ '""'^'^ valuable information. Many interesting memoirs, diaries, and letters, i?*lall hitherto unpublished, and most of them destined for political reasons to remain so, have been placed at his disposal ; while all the leading characters of the empire, who were ahve when the author undertook tlie present history, have supplied him with a mass of incidents and anecdotes which have never before appeared in print, and the accuracy and value of which may be infen-ed from the fact of these parties having been themselves eyewitnesses of, or actors in, the great events of thepenod.

filled at different

** To prevent disappointment, the public are requested to be particular in giving their orders for " ColbuknIs Authorised Traksij^tio."."

l2:#*-'tate

rs.

HISTORY AND BIOGRAPHr.


17

[CES

OF
By WM. CHARLES
THE i^EFORM BILL IN

[ALLOWELL

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Slf b

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OF

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TOWNSEm, ESQ MA
2 vols. 8vo
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and of our country its

fEAM
bound.
xs.

It is in truth

iay Times

LETTr.,RS
Etoed,

Illustrative of

OF lARY QUEEN OF ^^^^ SCOTS ^ Her Personal


History.

NCE,
IN
1800,
Cheaper E^,,., ,,.

wh

..il A ICKLAM).

an Kstorioa. Introduction and Notes

''*''

:.UTION.
erior,

of Finance,

facilities

beyond

m exclusive and guardian to the documents of the


blication of
rs, it

which

appears, has

iaries,

and

letters,

ons to remain so, empire, who were with a mass of

m
n

the accuracy and themselves eye..

Th, h

...

P" "'/Stand

'

"'"MSta and Lord By

lar in giving their

18

COLBURN AND

CO.'S

NEW

PUBLICATIONS.

NARRATIVE OF A TWO YEARS'


W
Hi

RESIDENCE AT NINEVEH;
AND

TRAVELS
\V^TII

IN

MESOPOTAMIA, ASSYRIA, and SYRIA,


P.

KEBIARKS ON THE CHALDEANS, NESTOKIANS, YEZIDEES, &C.

By the Bev. J.

FLETCHER. Two

vols.,

post 8 vo, 21s. bound.

These Travels embrace not only Nineveli and its antiquities, but various new and interesting particulars respecting the Yezidees, the Nestorians, and Oriental Christians, as well as notices of the country between Mosul and Aleppo, which has been explored by few European travellers. The intimate relations with the natives of the country entered into by Mr. Fletcher, .who resided some
years at Mosul, during his inquiries into the condition of the Oriental Churches, have furnished him with a vast fund of anecdote and illustration. The work
also comprises disquisitions

on the ancient

cities

successive empires established between the Tigris

of Mesopotamia, and on the and Euphrates, with remarks

on the hypothec's advocated by Major Rawlinson as regards the early Assyrian


kings.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.


work of great merit the remarks of <a highly intelligent and acute observer. The work is not less acceptable as a book of travel than it is valuable as an auxiliary to the archa;ology oftheHoly Scriptures." /Stawrfaj-c/. " At a time when the startling discoveries of Mr. Layard have called public attention to the cradle of Asiatic civilisation, the notes of a two years' residence on the mighty plain of Nineveh, and of excursions into the remotest parts of Assyi-ia, from the pen
"

of another traveller, cannot fail to excite mc . *han ordinary interest. Mr. Fletchor, well versed in the questions connected with the geography of Scripture, and with the history and position of the different Churches of the East, made his observations on the countries which he visited, not as an ordinary traveller who picks uj) his knowledge casually, here and there, but as an experienced student, who knows beforehand upon what points he is to dirc^ct his inquiries. His volumes form an instructive and agreeable pendant to Mr. Laya.rd's more exclusively antiquarian researches. The reader will meet with much valuabl i information which ho would look for in vain elsewhere."- i/b/m Bull.

" book whl^h lets us more into the secret of the habits and ideas of the natives of Eastern Asia, more especially of the Christian population, than any work we could point out. Mr. Fletcher brings fresh and valuable information from that new centre of antiquarian research. He had the rare good fortune to be present at the first discoveries of M. Botta and ho is not without claims to be ranked as a discoverer himself. But his disposition and his opportunities make him a better describer of the living than of the dead. The circle of his inquiries was by no means confined to Nineveh, but extended to the whole Christian population of Asiatic Turkey, of whoso habits, ideas, observances, and general condition he gives a minute, interesting, and, we are convinced, authentic account. The condition of the Eastern Churches is exciting much curiosity at present, and his detaileddoscription of them will be most interesting to the religious Our extracts will sufficiently show what varied, interesting, and useful matter world.

these volumes contain." -Dai^i/ Xews. " Two volumes abounding in lively and graphic sketches of scenes visited and of characters

encoMnterod."Athencsum.

" There is a groat deal of original hypothesis and much gratifying information in these volumes. Mr. Fletcher is an acute observer, and a well-read historian. His work deserves to be popular, and cannot fail to increase our knowledge of the countries of which it iv^aXs."Evangelical Magazine.

ONS.

VEH;
,

DIARY OF A LADT'S TRAWj IN NORTHERN


rp.
'"", 2 vols., post 8vo, Hvo, 21s 21s. bound.

AFMCA^^'^^^^S
iirrative

AMD SYRIA,
^portant f;cts%nd mn'T"^f ,*-''^ ^""
'

5IDEES, &C.

These

21s. bound.

amusing anecdotes.

of

oT.'',r !!;i.!!?^^"'-ISerVailt In/iTr


r..l1
'n

many

3S,

but various

new

and OrienMosul and Aleppo,


orians,

intimate relations

who

resided

some

iN OVERIAND JOURNEY OF ROUSD THE WORLD


.

WARRATIYE

Oriental Churches,
ration.

The work

otamia, and on the


ates,

A
.

more

2
valuaJble or
,

vols.,

8vo, with

iii>ifi-of

Map rri ^^- nT ,'


'

"'^-

^^ound.

7'

"' ^^"''^' '^'"'"'"-

with remarks
aues, and
it

the early Assyrian

will

become

so."~Messenffer.

lable as

and acute observer, an axixiliary

iUed public attention

lenco on the mighty Lssyi'ia, from the pen

':

There

is

not a

sportinrC

in

Mr. Fletcher, ure, and with the hisobservations on the ks uj) his knowledge
;crest.

h"'

'

"'' ''' ''

''^^''-

)eforehand upon what and agreeable pen['ho reader will meet Ewhere." Jb/m Bull.
ideas of the natives
1

any work we could

that new centre of at the first discoa discoverer himself, ber of the living than to Nineveh, but exwhose habits, ideas, nd, we are convinced, ing much curiosity at iting to tlie religious ng, and useful matter
)ra
it

B7

Mr,.

H.UJEIET

WAED Owff^c^''

'

V'^T COUNTRY.

THE WANDERER

ttatv

visited

and of charac-

ifying information in historian. His work ho countries of which

'

''WIRrF^*'""'"'^'??^"

20

COLBUUN AND

CO.'S

NEW

PUBLICATIONS.

LOED LINDSAY'S LETTERS OK THE HOLY LAND.


Fourth Edition, Revised and
the faith of an enlightened Christian."
Corrected, 1
vol.,

post 8vo, 7s. 6d. bound.

" Lord Lindsay has felt and recorded what he saw with the wisdom of a philosopher, and
Quarterly Eevieio.
*

THE CRESCENT AND THE CROSS;


OB,

ROMANCE AND REALITIES OF EASTERN TRAVEL


By ELIOT WAEBURTON,
Eighth and CiiEArEU Edition,
" Independently of
formation, this
its

Esq.

1 vol.,

with numerous Illustrations, 10s. 6d. bound.

work

is

value as an original narrative, and its useful and interesting inremarkable for the colouring power and play of fancy with which

its descriptions are enlivened.

Among its
better

greatest

and most lasting charms

is its

reverent

and serious s]}mt." Quarterly Revieio.


"

We

could not

recommend a

book as a travelhng companion."

United Service

Magazine.

IIOCHEIAGA;
OR,

ENGLAND
Edited by
Author
TiiiED Edition, 2

IN THE
of "
vols.,

NEW WORLD.
Esq.,
the Cross."

ELIOT WARBURTON,
The Crescent and

post 8vo, with Illustrations, 21s. bound.


heartily, in case

"

We recommend

'

Hochelaga

'

most

any of our readers

may

asyet be

unacquainted with

it."

Quarterly Review.
edition.

" This work has already reached a third


through many.
vifi^ur of

We

shall be surprised if it

do not go

It possesses almost every qualification of a

good bookgrace, variety, and

style a concentrated power of description, which has all the effect of elaborate paintingmfoi-mation carefully collected and judiciously communicatedsound and encountryand the larged views of important questions- a hearty and generous love of constant whole pervaded by a refined but sometimes caustic humour, which imparts a
attraction to its pages.

We

can cordially recommend


tlie

it

to

amusement
information

of its lighter portions,


it

vivid brilliancy of its descriptions,

our readers, as well for the and the eohd

contams respecting Canada, and the position generally of England in the

new

world."

John Bull.

INS.

)LY LAND.
.

IIGHTS

Am

6d. bound.

a philosopher, and

Edited by lieu, Go. ^^^E' Sir r . Chief in iad|,&,/''jfAHBE,G.C.BCommanJer-in.

SHADES OF MUTtadv ttpp


CHAEWS NAWER

iSS;

OK,

N TRAVEL.
as, 10s. 6d.

SIR JAMES AIEXANDER'S SEVEN YEARS' EXPLOKAHO^r

^.

XCiDW.
^'

bound.

and interesting infancy with which


is its

arms

reverent

1."

United Service

STORY OF THE PENINSULAR WAR

ORLD.
bound.

lADY LISTER EAYE'S RRTTKh nm,,,,. Aro ^oEfwA^^^^^ SOMES

s.

iders

may

as'yet be

rised if it

do not go

grace, variety, and


le effect of elaborate

HlSTriRV
From Notes
Cr.
T-

THE NEMESIS IN CHINA""'"'"=


^t.
* COMPLEX,.
'

ted
of

country

sound and enand the


the

of Captain IV

imparts a constant
iers, as well for
)tions,
r

^^ ^^-

!*

J^EKNARd7es A

H hIlI t ^

'

f/"'*

*'''"^-

M n

"""'' 0''=''ioM

and the

solid

of England in the

22

COLBUEN AND

CO.'S

NEW PU T^LICATIONS.

THE YEAR-BOOK OF THE COUNTRY;


OR,

THE FIELD, THE FOREST,

ATSU>

THE

FIRESIDE.

Br WILLIAM HOWITT,
AUTHOR OF "the BOOK OF THE SLASONS,"
ILLUSTRATIONS,
lOS.
6(1.

&C.

VOLUME, WITH

BOUND.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.


" The world is alv ys happv to hear from Mr. Howitt concerning ' the seasons and their signs' the garden, the wouuland, and rlvoir ever-changing shows of beauty and the characters and humours which animate and chc(|ucr rural life. He treats of these topics \vith that affluence of pod al imiiginat ion and experience which there is no counterfeiting with that thorough love which, coming frnm the heart of the writer, goes direct to the heart of the reader. The presrnt volume is as fresh in spirit and as rich in matter as if
'

wore the first of it family. The illustralions by Mr. Poster are excellent. The book once welcome to read and goodly to see. It is richly, poetically, picturesquely iiving a welcome as wide as its range of contents, and various. ^Yc cannot doubt of if as cordial as the Ibve of man and of nature, which every line of it breathes.".4^/te;((/. "To all lovers of country life wo recommend this excellent volume, as abounding in thoughts and supgostions eminent \y calculated to enlarge the sphere of their enjoyit
.

is at

'

ment

as well as their usefulness

to reform their tastes, and

each of which relates to a parand not only describes all tho natural ''eatures of the season, but the habits of life and customs appropriate to each." Ilomitir; Post. "A highly amusing book, supplying, from rural anecdote, description, and observation, something appropriate to each season. The illustrations are very beautiful." /Sfoyear,
darcl.

The work is and at the fireside. ticular month of the

and to all lovers of the town we recommend it as likely awaken them to pure delights which they have not yet tasted. a complete cour -y companion for the whole year--in the field, in the forest,
;

It is divided into twelve sections,

rural life in all its phases. In every respect a most attractive Mr. Howitt paints nature as it is, and gives descriptions of its endless charms with an elegance of manner that wins its way with readers of every Qi[Bas."3fessenger. " This very attractive aud delightful work is evidently one written con amore, Mr. Hewitt's productions have always displayed an intense, and, so to speak, elegant and cultivated love of Old England's rural beauties and the present book will form an admirable companion to his Book of the Seasons.' In the present instance there is an abundant and interestingly applied variety of matter illustrative of human pleasures and pursuits in the country. A country life, indeed, is here seen in all its points of view in the field, the forest, and by the fireside. It is curious to observe the variety of subjects treated of, either in prose or poetry, in these right pleasant and entertaining pages. The natural characteristics, peculiar customs, and usual avocations incident to each month in the year are described in a striking manner. Anecdotes, sketches of character, &c., are introduced with considerable skill and effect, adding much to the interesting nature of tho book. The Aixtumnal Excursions form some of tho most attractive parts of the volume and the legends scattered throughout are told with peculiar spirit and effect. Indeed, the work is altogether a charming one; and the illustrations, admirably engraved on wood, from exceedingly clever and pretty designs, by Mr. Birket Foster, are quite worthy of the pages in which they ap^peax." Morning Advertiser.

"

A perfect transcript of

book.

'

'

'

NS.

MISCELLANEOUS
"^-

'-^^^^

>UNTRY:
RESIDE.

larity of

DISRAELI'S

COWGSBT
'CoSsLm
'""''
**

LUME,

WITH
a season to "

'"''*""''^"'''

P" as

to

pS

ic
if

seasons and their

beautyand the
these topics

'cats of
is
r,

no counterfeiting
goes direct to the

ZOOIOGICAI RECREATIONS

ich in

matter as

if

scellcnt.
ally,

The book

picturesquely ge of contents, and


thes."

Athena m,
CI

une, as abounding ere of their cnjoy-

jmmcnd it
liave

as likely

not yet tastedfield, in the forest,


relates to a par-

ires of the season,


St.

"The
and observa-

TALES OF HUNGARY BY FRANCIS and THERESA


authors of the
DrP<!Pt,f ni
,

KY

l^-L-bZHr.

. vols. , 3

)tion,

beautiful." /S^a.
ct

a most attractive
endless charms

its

aas." Messenger. Titten con amore. to speak, elegant

THE

form an an pleasures and iman its points of view


t

book

DREAMER AND THE WORKER. ByR.


H.HORNE,Esq.,
2

vols.,

will

instance there is

Author of " Orion unon, x&c.

post 8vo.

the variety of subentertaining pages.

incident to each sketches of characch to the interest8

f
)

the most attractold with peculiar


illustrations,

GREEK LADY THE .BOPXE. BAHOHTEK OE XE .I^V,^:!,,,^^

ADVENTURES OF A

dthc
igns,

byMr. Birket

g Advertiser.

24

COLBURN AND

CO.'S

NEW

PUBLICATIONS.

POPULAE

NEW NOVELS AND

ROMANCES.

BEAUTY AND INTELLECT;


OR,

REGINALD HASTINGS.
By ELIOT WARBURTON,
Edition.

SECOND LOVE.
TROLLOPE.
3
vols.

Esq.

Second

vols.

By

Mrs.

TIME,
By

THE AVENGER.
Wyndham."
3 vols.

The

OLD WORLD and the NEW^


By
Mrs.

TROLLOPE,

vols.

the Author of " Emilia

THE DAUGHTER OF NIGHT.

MERKLAND.
By the Author
3 vols.

By

S.

W. FULLOM,

Esq.

3 vols.

of " Margaret Maitland."

CLAUDE.
By MISS MOLESWORTH.
2
vols.

LOVE AND AMBITION.


By
the Author of " Rockingham."

PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT.
vols.

By

Mrs.

TROLLOPE.

vols.

DORRINGTON, OF THE DENE. By WILLIAM HO WITT. 3 vols.


NATHALIE.
By JULIA KAVANAGH, Author
"
of

MADAM

PRIDE AND IRRESOLUTION.


A Second
"
Series of

THE DISCIPLINE OF LIFE." By LADY EMILY PONSONBY. 3 vols.


PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF

Mrs.

MARGARET MAITLAND
Written by Herself.
iTOl.

Woman

in France."

vols.

OF SUNNYSIDE.

LIGHT AND DARKNESS.


By
Mrs.

OUR COUNTY.
By

CROWE, Author of " Tlie NightSide of Nature," &c. 3 vols.

JOHN

MILLS,

Esq.,

Author of the
3
vols.

" Old English Gentleman," &c.

THE WILMINGTONS.
OR,

FRESTON TOWER,
THE EARLY DAYS OF CARDINAL
R.

By

the

Author of "Emilia Wyndham," " Mordaunt Hall," &c. 3 vols.

By the Rev.

WOLSEY. COBBOLD.

vols.

OR,

ANNE DYSART; THE SCOTCH MINISTER'S DAUGHTER. 3 vols.

THE PETREL. A TALE OF THE SEA.


By
a Naval
Officer.

3 vols.

IONS.

MANGES.

'

HASTINGS.
Second
3
vols.

IRTON, Esq.
.

.Band the
XOPE,
3

NEWi

vols.

ER OF NIGHT.
DM, Esq.
3 vols.

UDE.
SWORTH.
2
vols.

GOVERNMENT.
.LOPE.
3
vols.

RRESOLUTION.
1

Series of

LINE OF LIFE."

PONSONBY.

3 vols.

THE LIFE OF

ET
vol.

MAITLAND

Written by Herself,

3UNTY.
Esq.,

Author of the
3
vols.

leman," &c.

TOWER,
\YS OF CARDINAL
.SEY.

DBBOLD.

vols.

ETREL.
'

THE

SEA.

fficer.

3 vols.