February 13, 2013 is a day that I will not soon forget. It was just a normal dayso I thought.

I remember thinking, I have today off and it would be fun to go to my parents house and get in their hot tub, but something just didnt feel right. It kept nagging at me, so finally I decided to take a pregnancy test. I really didnt think I was pregnant, but I just couldnt shake the feeling that I needed to take one. When the test came back positive, I was devastated, not because I didnt want another baby but because I have had an emotional rollercoaster the past two years. Here is my story, in February 2011 I became pregnant. I was thrilled and scared all at the same time, because in June 2006 I had a miscarriage. It was my first pregnancy, and we had already told our families. At 8 weeks pregnant on our first wedding anniversary I began to lose that child. It took over a month for the physical part of the miscarriage to end. It was one of the most difficult months I had ever endured. We were told to wait 3 months before trying again, so being the good little patient that I am, we waited 3 months. We began to try in September, and in October I found out I was pregnant again. This time we didnt tell anyone for 9 weeks, and then it was only our immediate family. Things went just like they were supposed to all of my pregnancy. I was very sick for the first trimester, I felt on top of the world in the second, and then the heart burn and uncomfortableness set in for the last. In February 2007 we found out we were having a boy, and in June 2007 I gave birth to my wonderful son, Austin. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, and the instant love and sense of protection I felt was unlike anything I had experienced before. I always knew I would love my children; I just wasnt prepared for this mama bear quality that came with it. I took home a very healthy 8 lb 10 oz baby boy. I was thrilled. He brought so much joy to our lives. I also naively believed to know Gods plan, and that I would have one more healthy baby in about 2 years. 2 years came and past and my husband wasnt ready to have another baby. So I waited and I waited and I waited. I finally came to terms that we would either get pregnant while we werent trying or I wouldnt have any more children. That all changed February 2011, when I got a positive pregnancy test. I was thrilled, after all Austin was 4 and that was 2 years longer than I wanted to wait!! Plus my sister was expecting her second at the time and I imagined how fun it would be to have our babies so close to the same age. We were cautious with this baby, again only telling our immediate family and a few very close friends. I remember it was March 17th, and I was 8 weeks along just like with the first baby, when it began. This one was quick, it began and ended all in the same day. We had just lost another baby, and I was more devastated than I would let myself believe I was. I blocked it out; it was easier to live day to day if I pretended I was ok. But I was far from ok, I suffered from what I now know to be anxiety and panic attacks because I didnt deal with my emotions. I didnt grieve; I thought if I only focus on the positive things in my life, then I will be ok. Not too long after suffering that miscarriage, I discovered I had to have surgery, and this surgery could complicate any future pregnancies if we decided to have more children. Joseph and I talked and agreed we should be

done having biological children. We looked into adoption, and began praying for God to show us what He wanted us to do. February 2012 I found out I was pregnant again, I had the same due date with this baby as I had a year ago. It was bitter sweet. I truly believed in my heart that this was going to happen, and that we would deal with the added risks but that it would work out. I fully believed it was Gods plan for us to have this baby. March, 25 2012 I began to lose that baby. This one was completely different from the other two. I went on Monday to the Dr. (please dont read if you cant handle some intimate/sad details) I was convinced that I had already lost the baby and we would talk about the recovery process now, but I was wrong. He hooked me up to the ultrasound machine and there on the screen was my baby, his/her heart was barely beating. My baby was literally dying before my eyes and there was NOTHING I could do about it. At that very moment I was overcome with grief far beyond anything I had experienced before. I was all alone because I told Joseph not to take the day off work; after all I believed that it was already over. On March, 27th I went back to the doctor was hooked up on the ultrasound machine, I was praying for a miracle, that somehow, God had healed my baby and he/she would be on that screen with a normal heartbeat . But that wasnt the case, my baby was gone and on March 29, 2012 I underwent a DNC. After I had fully recovered physically, I had a full work-up done to see if there was any reason that this was happening. My Dr. had his theory but wanted the tests to prove it. However, all of the tests came back normal. Nothing was medically wrong with me. I was furious with those results. I wanted something to be wrong, so it could be fixed. I wanted there to be a cure for my problem. I didnt understand, and this was almost as difficult a time as when I lost my babies, because I didnt believe I would ever be able to carry another baby to term. The rest of that year, I had lots of conversations with my Heavenly Father, some where I was angry, some I was sad, but mostly it was God please help me be content and happy with what you have already given me. I had one healthy, beautiful, smart, funny little boy already, and that was more than so many people get to have. My prayer was really one of contentment. I wanted to have a peace about all that had happened and find happiness in what I already had. Around October 2012 I discovered that I no longer yearned for another child. I had so much happiness in what I had; a loving husband, and a beautiful son, but most importantly, I had a strong relationship with my holy God. I was happy, I had joy. February 13, 2013 here I am looking at this pregnancy test and being completely shocked and angry. After all I was finally happy/content with my life, why oh why did this happen again? We were not trying, (I am so sorry for those of you who have tried and tried to no success, I dont know your pain, but I imagine it is a difficult thing to be faced with) we were being careful. Here is where my real test of faith began. I had trusted God with my 4

pregnancies, and 3 of those ended in heartache. I wasnt ready to let Him into this one, even though my peace came from Him just earlier that year. I am human and so imperfect and I let fear of losing this baby guide my heart, and not God. Right away the doctor put me on progesterone, and a baby aspirin. It was VERY expensive and my deductable hadnt been met yet, the progesterone alon e cost 253 dollars every 14 days. But God is good, and even in the midst of mistrust He was showing me, Jennifer I am here and I love you and I am going to take care of youTurn to Me with your anxieties and worries. He led me to a pharmacy of a godly man, one who is a member at the church I attend, and he began to compound the progesterone at a very affordable price. Wow, God was already working, but I was blinded by my anger. I get through the 8th week, what I refer to as the it week. I was still pregnant, I was having ultrasounds every two weeks, and I still didnt believe I was going to have this baby. Everything was going great; I was the most sick I had ever been!! (that is actually a good thing when you are in your first trimester) the babys heartbeat was strong and everything looked like it was supposed to. God was there, He was whispering, Jennifer I love you, I am here, I am going to take care of you, but I doubted still! I get to 16 weeks, I am about to leave for Oregon for my brothers wedding. I am lying on the table at the doctors office, he comes in asks how everything is, the usual. He gets out his Doppler puts jelly on my stomach and nothing. He cant find the heartbeat. I am terrified but not surprised; after all I was convinced I wasnt going to actually have this baby. Dr. says lets go to the ultrasound room and see what is going on. But try not to worry, I think everything is ok. And I was thinking HAHAHA everything IS NOT ok. By the way, I am by myself again. Joseph had to work, and I thought it was just another routine visit. I get to the ultrasound room fully believing I had lost this baby only to see my baby moving first thing. WHEW!!! I was so relieved, the heartbeat was strong, and the doctor asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I didnt want to know but as I was trying to convey that he said, I think those are testicles right there. Ok, this baby is a boy! God is still whispering, Jennifer I love you, I am here for you, I am taking care of you, and this baby! It was this day that I began to really have a spiritual war go on in my head. I didnt see all of the ways He already was taking care of my baby. If you have a relationship with Jesus, then you know when you are living under conviction. It wasnt fun, I felt guilty all day every day, but I couldnt bring myself to trust God with my babyyet. Week 20 we go for the BIG ultrasound, we will get to see if my baby boy is developing the way he should. I have a very dear friend who never could have any biological children, and Joseph and I agreed to let her go with me. So we walk in and the ultrasound tech starts all her measurements. She is telling me that everything looks good. I am so relieved at this point. I

may be starting to believe I am going to have my baby! After all the measurements and pictures were done, she asked if I wanted to know the sex of my baby. I said I already know and that it is a boyright? What happened next still gives me goose bumps. She said, not from what I see! I asked, you mean I am having a girl? (Side note for those who do not know, my brother has 2 boys, my sister has 2 boys, my brother-in-law has 1 boy and I have 1 boy. There were NO girls on either side!) I wanted a girl. I knew that a healthy baby was most important, but a daughter to raise was always a dream of mine. Back to the ultrasound, the tech said she has girl parts and she hadnt ever seen a scan like this turn out to be a boy! I start crying with excitement and am in disbelief of what is happening. Here looking back now I can see God is telling me, your baby girl is healthy and in My handstrust Me! Very soon after that ultrasound, I finally woke up. I realized that no matter what happened to my baby, that it was so much better for her to be in Gods hands than any other place. I committed her to Him that day. No matter what happened I was going to trust God with my life and with hers. I had such a peace after that, one that I hadnt had all through my pre gnancy. I really missed out on Gods peace at the beginning and I see how miserable I was because of it. I cant sit here and tell you that the rest of my pregnancy went off without a hitch. Nope just the opposite, but here is where we see Gods ultimate power. At 28 weeks pregnant, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Initially I was upset because my sisters sister-in-law had just had a baby who was having complications from untreated gestational diabetes. But I fully believe God used that to show me how important it was to follow the meal plan and be as strict as I needed to be. I carried my meal plan and information sheet everywhere and nothing went into my mouth unless I knew exactly how many carbs it had in it. I measured and weighed everything. I did more math in the last trimester of my pregnancy than I did in algebra 2! But it was working, God really helped see the importance of discipline. And hear me dear friends, I could NOT have done this in my own strength. I LOVE sweets, I love all carbs, but this precious baby was a gift from God, and I was going to do everything, with the help of God, that I could to protect my baby. Diabetes wasnt fun, but I never had to go on insulin, God was so faithful to me during this time. My original due date was October 28th, but because I was a repeat c-section and I now had diabetes, we scheduled my c-section for October 17th 2013. I had a childhood friend that was pregnant and we were going to have our babies on the same dayso I thought. September 25, 2013 I went to the doctor for my 35 week check-up. Everything was going great, strong heartbeat, measured right on track with where I should be. As always my doctor asked me if I had any questions or concerns. I usually forget all of them by the time I get to the doctor. But today was different. I remembered to ask him about this insane itching I was having on the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. No rash, just horrible itching. He

seemed a bit more concerned with it than I was. He told Joseph and I to stay and run some tests. Ok I thought, why? But he of course didnt want to freak me out and tried to reassure me. Up to the lab we went, I was very familiar with this place. I took my number and waited for it to be called. They drew my blood and we went home on our merry little way. My husband had to go into work later that day, and I went to my parents house to see my aunt who was in town. About 3 pm that day I get a call from the doctors office. It was the nurse and she asked me if I had a minute to talk with the doctor. Ok friends, I had heard back from the doctors office multiple times and NEVER once has she asked me to hold for the doctor. Needless to say my heart began to race a bit. My doctor gets on the phone and says he got one of the two test results back, and wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow. I said oh you know taking my son to school, going to work, the usual. He said, how about you have a baby tomorrow! In my head I am thinking I am only 35 weeks, her lungs arent fully developed, it is too early, she wont be ok, on and on and on. The doctor proceeded to tell me that my numbers were really bad. They should be around 60 and 80 but mine were 400 and over 900, and that he consulted with all the doctors in his office and a c-section tomorrow is what they all thought was best. Then he wanted to know what I thought. I decided that the doctors knew more about what was going on than I did. We will have our baby tomorrow! I still didnt know what I had at this point, only that it was bad. I hung up with the doctor and went to my mom crying and shaking and told her and my aunt that we were having Zoe tomorrow. The rest of the day was a whirlwind of events. I called my husband at work and told him what was going to happen and we met at home. We were not ready to bring baby Zoe home. We thought we still had 3 weeks to prepare, so I met my mom and aunt at all the different stores to get all the necessities we still needed. Joseph stayed home and began the daunting task of putting all our baby stuff together. This was the week that my dear friend was in Africa on a mission trip with my sons pediatrician. This pediatrician is the man you want to have at the hospital if you are going to have a premature baby. My friend also just happens to be a post partum nurse, who I really wanted to be there with me. But God is bigger and greater than all these situations. That night our pastor came and prayed with us and I spent the night praying and reading my bible. I was at such peace reading the word of God. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14. I read it over and over and over and found that He created Zoe, He protected her my entire pregnancy and I believed with my whole heart that He was going to protect her through all of this. We left for the hospital early the next morning. I got prepped, and saw my doctor, and was wheeled into the operating room. I got my spinal, laid down and prayed, God please, please just let me hear her cry, so I know her lungs are strong. The pediatrician I had requested was brought in for the delivery, in case something went wrong. . It took what seemed like forever for them to get to her. I remember being concerned about her size, and wanting to hear her cry. The doctor told me, it was time and that I would feel pressure, I waited. I hear shes a girl, and then the most joyous sound I have ever heard. My baby Zoe crying, loudly. She cried and cried, I have never been so relieved in all my life. God had answered that very specific prayer in the exact way I had asked Him to. I remember being so happy that she was crying that I didnt have a care in the world at that exact moment. Then the doctor said she weighed 6 pounds and 5 ounces! I was blown away she was so big at just 35 weeks. She looked like a full term baby, and I was going to find out just how much like one she would prove to be. I was wheeled into my recovery room and had to stay there for what seemed like days, but it was only about 2 hours. During my time in recovery, the nurse that was taking care of Zoe came and told me everything that was going on with her. She was hooked up to a c-pap machine, she had an IV, and a tube into her belly to remove air. She was doing great, but I could tell the nurse wasnt telling me everything. I later found out that the x-ray they took of her lungs showed that they were completely full of fluid, and that if it they were really that bad, then her prognosis wasnt good. The x-ray tech was new and didnt take that one right, so another x-ray was ordered for later that afternoon and it showed that her lungs didnt have much fluid at all on them! Praise God! For 24 hours my baby was hooked up to the c-pap machine and had the air tube down her throat while I was stuck in a room across the hall. God had blessed me with my husband 8 years prior, and we had been through more in that short time than some see in a lifetime. Joseph stayed right by Zoes side. He was there in the nursery bored out of his mind, but he never left her side. As a mom, I wanted to be there, but there was so much comfort knowing that her daddy was right there by her side. God worked everything out. My mom was at the hospital to take care of me, and that freed Joseph up to be there for Zoe. The first time I held my baby she was connected to lots and lots of cords and hoses and machines, but she was here and she was fighting and she was winning! After the first 24 hours, which seemed like weeks, Zoe came off of the c-pap and had the air tube taken out. She had to stay in the nursery for at least 24 hours after coming off the c-pap. She had to be monitored

and learn how to eat before she could leave the nursery and come to my room. So I began to pray, along with my family, Lord please help her latch on and eat well. I prayed before every feeding that same prayer. She latched on the first time I tried feeding her!! Austin didnt do that well when I began to breastfeed him! She was a rock star at breastfeeding!!!! Again the Lord had answered my very specific prayer!! As soon as the required 24 hours were up, we were able to bring our little angel into our room. She passed every test they ran, and we took home a very healthy 5 pound 14 ounce baby! Looking back now, I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had not given Zoe to God. Maybe she would have been ok, but I know that giving her to God ultimately protected her. I ended up having Cholestasis of pregnancy. It has to do with my liver and bile and gallbladder. I later found out that it could have killed Zoe before I got to 38 weeks. Friends, please hear me now, when I was 35 weeks and at the doctor, God whispered, tell the doctor about your itching. I would have NEVER remembered that! I had a BAD case of the pregnancy stupids and forgot everything all the time; just ask Joseph or my family, or my co-workers!!! I know God gave me Zoe, He knit her together in my womb, and He protected her. His plan for my life was to give birth to two beautiful children, and to say goodbye to 3 before we ever got to meet them. I know that with every miscarriage there was a lesson to learn. With my first, I was drawn closer to the Lord than I ever had been before. I realized that I needed an intimate relationship with Him. With the second, I learned that I cannot control things that I most desperately wanted to. God was in control. With my third, I learned to be content with the blessings I already had, and not be so focused on what I had lost. And it was through my pregnancy with Zoe that I learned I had to fully trust Him to experience true peace. And going through all three I learned to NEVER take life for granted. I enjoy all the little things with my children. When I am totally exhausted and Zoe refuses to sleep, and is crying inconsolably I hold on to the fact that she is a gift from God, that He has trusted me with. When Austin is in my bed kneeing me in the back all night, I get joy out of it, because he is healthy and loves being with his family. God deserves my BEST effort, and so does my family. I no longer have anger in my heart, but I do still mourn for the 3 children I lost. I think of them often and sometimes still wonder who they would be today, were they boys or girls, what would they have looked like? I dont have the answers here on earth, but I am now at peace. I look into the eyes of the two beautiful children I have here and I feel complete as a mom. God has given me peace beyond all understanding, just like His Word promises. Philippians 4:7-And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I know I am not at the end of my suffering here on this earth. There will be more to come; I dont know what it will be or when it will happen, but I know when i t does, that I will cling to faith in my loving heavenly Father. He has shown Himself strong in my life, and I pray that I can honor Him every day I am still here on earth, and when I get to finally see Him face to face, I will hear, well done my good and faithful servant. He is my safe place and my comfort in this fallen world, and I cannot imagine facing this life without Him.