Boundaries and Healthy Relationships

Boundaries are so essential in life and so poorly understood. Whether dealing with co-dependence or a business or social situation, understanding boundaries is essential. Charles Whitfield M.D. provides excellent resourceful knowledge about boundaries in his book, Boundaries and Relationships. Boundaries ark where y reality ends and your reality begins. !Being aware of our boundaries and li its is useful in our relationships and recovery. "n fact, this awareness is crucial to having healthy relationships and a successful recovery. # boundary or li it is how far we can go with co fort in a relationship. "t delineates where " and y physical and psychological space end and where you and yours begin. Boundary is a concept that provokes a real experience within us. $herefore, in y relationship with people, places, and things, the boundary is real. My boundaries and li its are real. $he other%s boundaries and li its are real.! !"n describing boundaries, &aine and 'unt say, !"nteraction with others occurs at boundaries ( yours and theirs ( where you end and they begin. $he easiest way to understand healthy functioning of boundaries is to think of the role of cells. $he cell is a se iper eable e brane. When it functions correctly, the cell wall keeps poisons out, lets nutrients in, and excretes waste. "t also defines the existence of the cell by separating it fro other cells.! !'ealthy cells have an intelligence that knows whether to be a sto ach cell or a brain cell. !'ealthy cells de onstrate good contact at their boundaries and by discri inating between nutrition and poison, and by positioning and duplicating the selves. $he healthy person uch do the sa e. $o have a se iper eable e brane, to know when to allow in and what to keep out, eans you have a choice in your life, and eans you will be an active rather than a passive participant in it. $o anage contact well is an expression of self, integrity, and freedo !. !'aving an awareness of boundaries and li its helps e discover who " a . )ntil " know who " a , it will be difficult for e to have healthy relationships, whether they ay be casual ac*uaintances, friends, close relationships or inti ate relationships!. !Without an awareness of healthy boundaries, it will be difficult for e to sort out who unsafe to be around, which ay include people who are toxic for e, and even so e people who ay istreat or abuse e. !$he boundary arks or delineates the differences between e and the other. Without boundaries, it would be hard to define yself. Without the , it would be hard to know yself. Without boundaries, " ay not feel that " have a self. #nd without boundaries, " can%t have a healthy self. +o by being aware of and having healthy boundaries, " can define and know yself, know that " have a self, and have a healthy self.!

Inner Life
!# key to y boundaries is knowing y inner life. My inner life includes y beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices and experiences. "t also includes y wants, needs, sensations within y body, y intuitions, and even unconscious factors in y life. "f " a unaware of or out of touch with y inner life, " can%t know all of y boundaries and li its. When " a aware of y inner life, " can ore readily know y boundaries!.

!$he actively co-dependent person tends to be fixed in either few or no boundaries, boundarylessness, or the opposite, overly rigid boundaries. #nd they often flip-flop between these. Because they focus so uch of their attention outside of the selves, they tend to be less aware of their inner life, and thus less aware of their boundaries.! !#nother key to having healthy boundaries is flexibility and adaptability. When we are able to be flexible and adaptable in any relationship ( without being istreated or abused ( we can know ourselves in a deeper and richer way. #nd we can let go ore easily into the experience of that relationship to en,oy both its fun aspects and its growth points.! !"n our day-to-day experience we have any opportunities for growth. $hat growth includes the physical, ental, e otional, and spiritual real s of our awareness experience and consciousness. #wareness of our boundaries helps us in that growth.! !-ot being sufficiently aware of their inner life, the unrecovered and actively co-dependent person be so flexible and adaptable that they are flexible and adaptable when they are being istreated or abused. $hey are unable or unwilling to set boundaries or li its in a way to deal with and prevent unnecessary pain and suffering.! ay

Specific Boundaries
!We can have a relationship, whether transient or long-ter , with nearly any person, place, or thing. $o ake those relationships go better, we can use boundaries and li its in a healthy way in any areas of our lives. $hese areas include the physical, ental, e otional and spiritual real s of our life.!

Physical Areas of Our Life

!"ncluded in the physical area is a broad range of si ple and co plex boundary factors. +o e si ple ones are pollution .such as noise, or s oke/, clothes, food and shelter. More co plex are those such as oney, property, gifts and physical differentness fro others. 0egarding any of these, can you recall any ti es when your boundaries were invaded1 2ven ore co plex are such things as physical closeness, touching, sexual behavior, eye contact, privacy, ti e and energy.!

Mental and Emotional Areas of our Life

!Mental and e otional boundaries include any i portant aspects of our lives. +o e of these are our beliefs, thoughts, ideas, feelings, decisions and choices. ! !'as anyone ever accused you of or bla ed you for so ething that they did or that was actually their issue1 'ow did you feel when they did that1 $hey ay have been invading your boundaries by pro,ecting so e of their unfinished business or issues onto you. Did you buy into it1 #re you still tolerating it1 3ou don%t have to. $heir pain, confusion or atte pts at control or anipulation ay be theirs, not yours. With awareness of your inner life and with clear boundaries and li its, you can handle or at ti es even prevent such boundary invasion, and thus avoid unnecessary pain and suffering.! !4ther ental and e otional areas where personal boundaries are i portant include energy, sexuality needs, ti e alone, intuitions, and even our individual differences. 'as anyone ever drained your energy so uch that you neglected your own needs1 &ossibility5 3ou ay have experienced a lack of awareness of your inner life, including your needs. 3ou ay have been people-pleasing to the detri ent

of self .active-co-dependence/. $his is a set-up for boundary violation and suffering.!

ore unnecessary pain and

!'as anyone critici6ed you because you do things differently fro the 1 4r critici6ed you for so e aspect of your sexuality1 "f so, how did you feel1 #nd what happened1 What did you do with the resulting conflict1 Did you work it through directly with the other person1 #nd if appropriate, did you set li its with the 1 4r did you hold in your feelings, possibly to avoid their confronting or re,ecting you1! !+o e other ental and e otional areas where personal boundaries are helpful include5 love, interests, relationships, participation, roles, rules, and essenger function. Messenger function eans that so eone inappropriately convinces you to deliver a essage to a third party. #nd if you do so, you ight end up with ore than you bargained for, e.g. ore unnecessary pain and suffering. 4f course, such suffering ay turn out to be useful if you work through the conflict or issue and learn fro it, including setting li its with other person so that it doesn%t happen again! !But these and other areas in relationships are often not so si ple and clear-cut. 7or exa ple, have you ever declined interest in so ething that is being pushed on you by another .which is a potential boundary invasion/1 $hen you later beca e interested in and perhaps even profited by whatever they had been pro oting1 # principle we can use is to keep our boundaries as flexible as feels appropriate for us ( for our wants and needs and other aspects of our inner life ( and take responsibility for our risking and for consciously setting a healthy boundary or withdrawing if we wish. $his is another exa ple of using boundaries in a healthy way.!

Spiritual
!+o e spiritual areas where boundaries ay apply include our own spirituality and personal experiences whether of an obviously spiritual nature or not.!

Having ompassion
!We live and function in relationship with our self, others and our 'igher &ower. "f we had only rigid boundaries, we would keep others out of large parts of our life and we ight end up feeling isolated, e pty and alienated. "f we had only loose boundaries, we would let others invade our inner life so uch that we would end up confused and overwhel ed with all of their stuff. With healthy boundaries we can be flexible, opening or closing the as is appropriate for our wants, needs and life.! !Co passion is a feeling that is also an evolved and useful state of consciousness and being. "n fact, it is one of our highest states of consciousness, probably second only to feeling )nconditional 8ove. But it can so eti es be difficult to differentiate true co passion fro the si ple and trapping passion of active co-dependence, where there are usually unhealthy boundaries.! !'ave you ever been oved by so eone%s story1 We feel a si ilar e pathy and passion in both co passion and active co-dependence, but in true co passion we feel war and caring and yet do not feel co pelled to ,u p in and rescue, fix or try to heal the . We are still there for people if they reach out to us in any way9 but we are secure enough in ourselves not to try to use fixing the to fill our own e ptiness.! !With the unhealthy boundaries of active co-dependence, focusing outside of oneself, we usually live in the range of disco fort fro apprehension to isery. "n co passion, with healthy boundaries, we ay feel a bittersweet peace. #lthough this peace ay have a painful edge, we can abide as we conte plate or sit with the other. "t is al ost as though we are sitting there in attendance with the other, while

practicing the +erenity &rayer5 God grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the di erence.! !"f we are attached to the outco e and try to fix or rescue the other person, we are not practicing co passion. We are in a ore pri itive state of consciousness that we can call passion. # way to help avoid such a co plication and its resulting pain in to have and aintain healthy boundaries.! !"n co passion, we can thus e pathi6e, and not abandon others, yet not take on their pain to our detri ent. Being co passionate is an i portant answer to the so eti es expressed concern that with healthy boundaries we ay be so ehow cold or neglecting to others. "t allows us to be close or inti ate with others and to care about the , without hurting ourself. Doing so also allows us to be there ore fully for the , since we now have a healthy self.!

Some haracteristics of Healthy Boundaries

:. &resence. $o have boundary health--and to sense the usefulness or non-usefulness of a boundary ( a boundary has to be present in y awareness to so e degree. "f it is not present in y awareness, then " ay not be able to set it or, if " choose, to let it go. ;. #ppropriateness, based on y inner life. $his begins to delineate so e useful reasons why " ay need the boundary. " set the boundary or let it go based on what " a experiencing right now in y inner life. My inner life includes y beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, wants, needs, intuitions and ore. +o knowing what is co ing up for e in y life is crucial in y setting healthy boundaries and having healthy relationships. <. &rotective. $he boundary is useful to help protect the well-being and integrity of y Child Within. =. Clarity. " a clear about he boundary with yself and with the other or others with who " a setting the boundary or li its. >. 7ir ness. $o get what " want or need, how fir do " want y boundary or li it to be1 " a in charge of how fir " want the to be. ?. Maintenance. Do " need to aintain or to hold fir on a specific boundary or li it for a period of ti e, to get what " want or need1 4r do " need to relax the boundary or li it to get what " want or need1 @. 7lexibility. $o get what " want or need, how flexible do " want y boundary or li it to be1 $o have healthy boundaries, " need also to be flexible ( when appropriate ( for y healthy, individual hu an needs and wants. $o have healthy relationships, " need to let go of y boundaries and li its when appropriate. A. 0eceptive. Would it be useful or en,oyable for e to loosen the boundary a bit or let another person, place, thing, behavior or experience in1

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&atricia Eones, &M'C-+-BC F #tlanta, Georgia F #lpharetta, Georgia F @@C ==;

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