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Trading Places

Written by Sidney Anderson and Victoria Russell

SCENE ONE: INTRODUCTIONS


(Opens in classroom discussion. Students sitting in desk s falling asleep.) Mr. Morgan: And THAT is how Kim Kardashian and Kanye West lived happily ever after. (Bell rings) alright kids, thats all for our lecture today. Make sure you turn in your Kimye haiku tomorrow first thing, and lets not forget about the Justin Bieber Drug Abuse paper! Dont forget to express yourselves! (sits down behind desk . Rachel, the main character, is the last to leave the room. Kids walk ing past her, dressed lik e zombies, casually saying Hi Rachel.)

MY UNFORTUNATE CASE OF SENIORITIS


I WALKED INTO THE HALLWAY OF LOWELL HIGH AND I COULDNT HELP BUT FEEL A STRANGE REPELLANCE FROM THOSE AROUND ME, MY SENIOR CLASS IVE KNOWN ALMOST ALL OF THEM SINCE I WAS FIVE. IT FEELS LIKE GRADUATION IS CALLING MY NAME BUT IM STILL STUCK IN ZOMBIE HIGH ITS THE MORNING AND EVERYONE LOOKS DEAD BUT CAN YOU BLAME THEM THEY WOKE UP AT SIX AM OH, MY UNFORTUNATE CASE OF SENIORITIS THE SPIT IN THE FOUNTAINS, CAFETERIA FOOD, HATING EVERYONE BUT TRYING NOT TO BE RUDE. SWEATY WRESTLERS, SLANG TERMS LIKE BAE, I SWEAR ILL LOSE IT IF I SEE JUST ONE MORE PDA IT FEELS LIKE GRADUATION IS CALLING MY NAME BUT IM STILL STUCK IN SENIOR HIGH ITS THE MORNING AND EVERYONE LOOKS DEAD BUT CAN YOU BLAME THEM THEY WOKE UP AT SIX AM OH, MY UNFORTUNATE CASE OF SENIORITIS IM STUCK HERE SEVEN HOURS A DAY THE DAY AND NIGHT THEY SEEM TO TURN GREY IN THESE HALLS IM HOPING TO MAKE OUT OKAY BUT I WONT AS LONG AS IM STILL STUCK IN ZOMBIE HIGH

ITS THE MORNING AND EVERYONE LOOKS DEAD BUT CAN YOU BLAME THEM THEY WOKE UP AT SIX AM OH, MY UNFORTUNATE CASE OF OH, MY UNFORTUNATE CASE OF OH, MY UNFORTUNATE CASE OF SENIORITIS. Rachel: (To audience) Hi, Im Rachel. President of the poetry club and salutatorian. Grades have always mattered to me, so much that Ive seemed to have lost track of any social life whatsoever. This is my best friend Sharon. Sharon is relatively smart, but mostly hangs out with me to cheat off of my papers. She really enjoys herself. Im sort of an outside observer - listening to everyone elses terrible issues has been the muse of my writing since Junior High. Oh, this is Hazel Kensington. Shes the most popular girl in the high school - the prospective prom queen and head cheerleader. Shes headed off to Michigan State next year, but I highly doubt its because of her grades. Shes also dating the football captain, Chad. Dont worry, youll meet him later. And no, were not friends. She hasnt even looked at me since Mackenzie Balmers fifth grade birthday sleepover. Speaking of which, Mackenzie Balmer and her friend Jackie are the, social outcasts of the school. Mostly because Mackenzie used to have an issue with peeing her pants, and Jackies just Jackie. Last but not least Id like to introduce Eddie, Eric, and Chad. Eddie and Eric are brothers, and may or may not have footballs for brains. And Chad I dont know where to begin. Eddie: So then, Coach was like, Drop and give me ten burpees and I was all like 'hey coach, why don't you give me a lap' and he was all like, 'Ed? I respect you.' (Rachel bumps into Chad, Eddie and Eric and k nock all of her things onto the floor.) Chad: Hey watch where youre walk well hello Rachel! Eddie: How are all of your FRIENDS? (Overdramatic loud laugh) Chad: Shes not on the show, Ed Eric: (chok e back s tears) Eddie you know I dont like it when you mock friends. (Shak es Rachel) Why couldnt you and Joey be together, Rachel?! Chad: Hows the poetry? Still lost in your dark abyss of despair? (all laugh) Eric: Yeah! That girl that writes things and smells like a yeah. Boo Rachel boooooo Rachel: That conversation was a disaster, but for your information, my poetry this morning was my depiction of the worlds view on poverty and those suffering, so in actuality, you just mocked those starving and living in squalor Are you pleased with yourself? (long silence) Eddie: trill. (Mack enzie Balmer walk s by with Jack ie) Chad: Hey Mackenzie, soak through any more costumes lately? Mackenzie: Leave me alone, Chad.

Eddie: HAHA GET IT! BECAUSE YOU PEED YOUR PANTS ONSTAGE LAST YEAR! Mackenzie: No I didnt! Chad: Oh yeah you did, Hazel even said so! Eric: Hi Mackenzie! Mackenzie: I cant help I have a bladder issue! (Runs off. Jack ie lingers behind) Jackie: (Pops gum and turns after her friend) Rachel: While you boys arm wrestle and attempt to outweigh each others testosterone levels, Im going to read a hobby that intellectual people possess. Eddie: Hey youre no more of an insect than any of us. Chad: Intellectual, Eddie Intellectual. Rachel: You boys, I mean, "young men", are a disgrace to nature. Chad: Your face is a disgrace to nature! Rachel: Oh is that so? Chad: Yeah I guess it is Rachel: YEAH? Chad: YEAH! (At this point, theyre inches from each others face fuming in anger. Chad pushes Rachel back .) Chad: Look Rachel, no one cares about you. No one wants to hear your stupid poetry, or your stupid opinions, or look at your stupid face. Just stop trying to impress everyone with big words and be quiet like youre supposed to. (Rachel storms off. Chad is silent, and then turns to Eddie/Eric. They both have blank expressions.) Eddie: trill.

SCENE TWO: OPPOSITE WORLDS


(Separate sides of the stage. Rachel sits down with her friend, Sharon. Boys sit down in the lock er room.) Rachel: Youll never believe what just happened. Sharon: What? Did Mackenzie Balmer fall down the stairs again? Chad: (to teammates) I just chewed out Rachel in the hallway. Eddie: Yeah he did! Sharon: Why does it matter? Rachel: You shouldve seen his face as I yelled. So intimidated by my intricate choice of language, he

had absolutely no clue what it meant. Sharon: So? Rachel: For once can you pretend to be interested in what Im saying? Chad: All I know guys is that she was frozen in her tracks. She was so scared of me. Eddie: I dont remember tha Chad: I was so intimidating, her and her stupid poetry were terrified. I hope she never writes again, and saves us all the pain of having to sit through her annoying, long words. Rachel: He might as well have urinated himself. Chad: People like Rachel Rachel: People like Chad Both: Dont deserve to exist in my school.

OPPOSITE WORLDS
RACHEL TAKE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT ME I SPEND MY DAYS WRITING POETRY I COUNT THE HOURS TIL I CAN SAY IM INTO COLLEGE I DONT NEED ANOTHER A. TAKE YOUR TIME TO WATCH ME PREVAIL MY LIFE IS RIDING ON ACCEPTANCE TO YALE. TAKE A MOMENT TO SOAK IT IN ONLINE CHESS IS THE ONLY SPORT I COULD EVER WIN WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS WE WOULD NEVER CLICK. OPPOSITE WORLDS PUZZLE PIECES THAT DONT FIT. THERES NOTHING CHAD COULD SAY OR DO, TO FORM A BOND BETWEEN US TWO BECAUSE WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS AND I DONT WANT ANYTHING NEW. CHAD TAKE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT ME I WORK OUT DAILY, WHO NEEDS A COLLEGE DEGREE? I COUNT THE HOURS TIL I HEAR MY NAME, CALLED AS AN ATHLETE IN THE SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES EVERY DAY THERE ARE LESSONS LEARNED, WITH MY CLASSES IM NOT TOO CONCERNED. PEOPLE AROUND ME THEY HOLD ME HIGH

UNLIKE RACHEL WHOS NAME THEY ALL DESPISE WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS WE WOULD NEVER CLICK. OPPOSITE WORLDS PUZZLE PIECES THAT DONT FIT. THERES NOTHING CHAD COULD SAY OR DO, TO FORM A BOND BETWEEN US TWO BECAUSE WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS AND I DONT WANT ANYTHING NEW.

SCENE 3: ROMANCE OF MACKENZIE AND ERIC


(Janitors Closet. Eric is already inside, and Mack enzie sneak s in.) Eric: Did anyone see you come in here? Mackenzie: No, why? Eric: Are you sure? Mackenzie: No, its the middle of fourth period, this hallway is as dead as a Nickelback concert. Eric: Good. (Hugs Mack enzie) aw babe I missed you today! Mackenzie: Coulda fooled me Eric: Whats that supposed to mean? Mackenzie: You didnt stick up for me again! Eric: Kenz weve been over this.. Mackenzie: And were going over it again! Im starting to get the feeling youre embarrassed of me Eric: SHHHHHH keep it down, dont let anyone hear us. Mackenzie: Why cant we meet in the hallway like a normal couple? Eric: Because I cant be seen with Mackenzie Balmer, my life as a socialite would be over (realizes what hes said) Mackenzie, wait Mackenzie: They dont know were together do they? (Eric is silent) It all makes sense now. The janitors closet meetings, not letting me paint your number on my cheek at the football games, dancing with me in the unisex bathroom at prom last year Eric: It really took you this long to figure it out? Mackenzie: (Punches Eric but accidentally punches Eddie and k nock s him out)

SCENE 4: CREATIVE WRITING


Teacher (Mr. Morgan) is already present in room (Enter Rachel, Chad, Eric, Eddie, Hazel, various Students)

Mr. Morgan: Glad you all made it safely back to my class after the long weekend. We had some serious snow out there, and all though it was like traveling through the tundra (snorts at his own joke) I feel quite refreshed and ready for some poetry action, as it were. (Class groans/reacts to his statement) Likewise, I'm expecting your poems to be grade A material- after all, you did have an extra day to work on the assignment. (Class moans and scoffs at the statement, Rachel shows some hidden excitement.) Now. Would anyone like to start? (No response) Not anyone? Eddie: (Super pumped) I'll go Mr. Morgan! Mr. Morgan: (I hate my job sigh) Thank you Mr. Garner. Whenever you're ready. Eddie Okay. (Still proud of himself) Here goes nothing. I could not, would not, on a boat. I will not, will not, with a goat. I will not eat them in the rain. I will not eat them on a train. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them ANYWHERE! I do not like blue eggs and lamb! I do not like them, Pam-I-am. (Class pauses in shock that Eddie is this stupid) Mr. Morgan: Eddie, are you aware that this poem has already been written? Eddie: (Still proud of himself) No it hasn't! It's blue eggs and lamb, it's sort of a follow up. Rachel: That whole first segment was literally in the book. It was written by Dr. Seuss. Eric: Hey man! Try and respect creativity when you see it. Mr. Morgan: Well, Eddie, I guess it's a C for creativity then. Eddie: (Eddie is excited about this grade) I passed! Now my parents will feed me! Mr. Morgan: Anyone else? (No response) Come on now, lets let our creative juices loose. Let our inner poet out of his cage, or her - I'm a feminist ladies, no worries. (Laughs nervously) But really, someone volunteer or I'll have to pick myself. (The class is avoiding eye contact with Mr. Morgan, all the while the silence is obviously torturing Rachel. Long pause, ten seconds, please.) Rachel: Fine. I'll do it. Mr. Morgan: Thank you miss Holland. (Chaz, Eddie and Eric proceed to mock and mimic Rachel. Rachel sees this, but look s more annoyed than hurt.) Chad: Look at that hairstyle is she a soccer mom or what?

Eric: Yeah! its almost as bad as Mackenzie Balmers bob cut. Mackenzie: Hey dont make fun of my bob! Rachel: Oh I'm sorry, do you have anything you'd like to share preceding the reading of my poem? Eddie: What's preceding? Mr. Morgan: (Scolding) Gentlemen! Rachels Poem: The master keeps to his folios, The man to his adamant seal, A silence befalls him as the voices from the inner psyche congenial flare before him, like a demon manifesting his arrogance he pauses and reflects the essence Was he truly the maker of his Or Was it beyond himself to bliss To idle, to frolic in the diadem of crowned comforts, even the delirium seems so far away.. like an ocean whirling with the very life he devoted til it fell, it propelled him to his falling as his immobile limps became mobile in the lively delusion of his world his brain had a thousand fold for word his dialect, a spirit of genius did occur the vocals, the prominence of choir; every syllable of his heart wreaked til the beating stopped and he did think "Perhaps not, mayhaps this shipwreck was the design I had intended to string from the error of my wholly humanity?" Thank you. (Boys laugh) Eddie: What what? Im so lost, that wasnt trill? Chad: I don't know dude, but it was really gay (bro laugh) (knuckle bumps Eric) Eric: (Teary eyed) I don't know man. That was deep. (To Rachel) That was beautiful, man. Chad: Dude. Eddie: Yeah bro seriously, that was some stupid stuff man. Rachel: Just because you don't know what it means doesn't make my poem stupid. Chad: That doesn't change the fact that it was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Who even takes the time out of their day to write that crap?

Rachel: Me. Chad: Well it was the most retarded thing Ive ever heard. Rachel: Don't use the word retarded, you'll make yourself sound like a moron. Chad: It was though. Rachel: Stop. Eric: (Trying to recover from his previous statement) Yeah bro. If I had to pick like the stupidest thing on the face of the planet I'd pick that one am I right? Even like more bad than a dude listening to T-Swift or the Biebs am I right? (People react lik e he's an idiot) (Erics phone rings and its Boyfriend by Justin Beiber) Eric: Uh sorry. Its my sisters phone. Eddie: We dont have a sister. Chad: (Lets it go) I don't know why you even waste your time with that stuff. It's not gonna get you into college, so give up on it. That's what I say. Rachel: Oh, is being a jerk going to get me into college then? Please, inform me Chad. How does one actually get into this magical land of "college?" No ACTs and GPA dont even seem to matter in your world. Chad: Whatever Rachel: Hey. You wanna know what it's about. Eric: (Excited) oh my god YES! Chad: Sure. Rachel: You. It's about you. All three of you actually. It's about ignorance and how it affects a life. Of course , why would I waste my time writing that though right? Trying to make you understand how hurtful and harmful to yourselfs you actually can be? You're right. My bad. I'll just stop writing poetry forever- for your sake, Chad. Chad: How can you even think badly of me? Do you know how I am? I am Chad. Damian. Rachel: God, you are such a jerk! Chad: Great! Rachel: You know Chad, I just wish you could see yourself through my perspective. For once, just for once. And then you could see how much of a moron you and all your friends really are. Eric: (Genuinely hurt) I'm deeper than I seem! Mackenzie: (to Jack ie) I dont think thats true Everyone: SHUT UP MACKENZIE BALMER!

Rachel: If youre so deep, then prove it. Chad: Just shut up already, no one cares about your opinion or understands. Rachel: Evidently (Bell rings. on way out Rachel bumps into both Chaz and Eddie in a row, Eric look s at her, pauses, and throws his arms around her and hugs her.)

SCENE 5: DREAM SEQUENCE


**Pre-recorded mental dialogue of Rachel writing in her journal. Simultaneously Eric writing** Rachels Mom: (Rachel is writing) Rachel! What are you still doing up? Rachel: MOM! Oh I uh, I just started a book and I Rachels Mom: Young Lady it is ten thirty! How are you ever going to get into Yale with that? Rachel: Its not that big of a Rachels Mom: Sleep directly correlates with grades! Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong. (Walk s away) Rachel: Love you too. ADD CHAD YO (Both lay down and shut off their lights. Dream Sequence noise. Both come out of their bed and quick ly realize theyre dreaming because currently undecided weird things run by) Rachel: Well, this has to be a dream (Look s around. Fairy godmother appears) Fairy Godmother: Why, hello there Rachel! Rachel: Oh wow original. I really thought my mind was more advanced than Brothers Grimm Fairy Godmother: Excuse me, what did you say? Rachel: Oh nothing, just a literature joke. Can I help you? Fairy Godmother: Oh no dear, for I am here to help you in your dismay! Rachel: I think you might be in the wrong dream. Fairy Godmother: Oh, my darling Rachel. I am here to help you understand your classmate. His name is Chad Damian, its not up for debate! Rachel: (a little angry) Oh dont you worry, I know ALL I need to know about that arrogant, conceited waste of air! Fairy Godmother: You may think that, as do I. Chad Damian is a hard shell to crack and his humor is dry. Im sure his remarks and stature drive you crazy, but do you think for a moment youd come look?

maybe? Rachel: If you stop rhyming. Fairy Godmother: Its part of my job, I could get fired! And I cant let Cosmo and Wanda get hired Rachel: Stop with the rhyme! Youre wasting time oh damnit how ya got me doin it. Fairy Godmother: (Giggling to herself feeling accomplished) Look (Scene begins. Chad is arguing with Hazel.) Hazel: Oh so youre going to just walk away from me? Chad: Well my feet are pointed in the opposite direction of you, and Im in motion. So yeah, I guess that means Im walking away! Hazel: Why do you have to be such a handful? Chad: OH, so IM the handful?! Me? Really? Youre confident in saying that? (ignores him) Hazel: Yeah! So what if I want to go Michigan State every weekend? Chad: Its one thing if youre going to college to visit a friend, or actually try to make a future for yourself, (Hazel is offended) but youre going to frat parties and cheating! Hazel: You cant prove that Chad: Yeah youre right. Good thing your face is plastered on the College-fessions twitter every weekend! Hazel: Come on Chad, chill out. Im not that bad. Chad: (Pulling out his cell phone) Hazel Kensington is the bomb, who knew you could do that without pulling a - Hazel: (Pulls his phone away) Okay okay! I get it! Chad, take a seat. (Both sit down) You need to understand Chad. I am Hazel Kensington. Prospective prom queen, head cheerleader I cant just settle for anything under an 8.5. Chad: Oh so Im not an 8.5? Youre so vain! Rachel: Why does he take this from her? Ive never heard anyone sound more shallow and self-involved in my entirety. Chad: (Stands up) You know what, Hazel? Its over. I cant deal with you anymore! All you do is lie and bring me down. Its a vicious circle of love and hate that will never end! Rachel: Wow, nice word choice, Chad. Youre not as dumb as I thought. How poetic, I mean, I guess it is my dream. Fairy Godmother: SHHH! Rachel: That didnt rhyme. Fairy Godmother: Pshh.

Hazel: Chad, this is how it works. Youre the football team captain, and Im the head cheerleader. Since prehistoric times, our elite bloodlines have joined together to become the most popular people in high schools everywhere. Our senior year is crucial to the mark we leave on Lowell High School. Whether you like me or not, you have no choice. Were staying together to win prom court and thats final. Rachel: Are my dreams really this cheesy? Chad: but Hazel: Im curious Chad. Do you like to make me look like an idiot? Well do you? (Chad is silent) thats what I thought. Now deal with it, and keep the social hierarchy in check. (starting to walk away) Just look on the brightside After high school Im leaving you for a real man anyway. (exits, end of action.) Rachel: Why would anyone in their right mind put up with that? Fairy Godmother: While writing is your importance, Chad likes to be a big deal. Even if that means his dignity Hazel will steal. Rachel: But its not right! Who actually believes this? Why is he friends with these people? Fairy Godmother: Chad is on a pedestal in front of his friends. His popularity hierarchy nightmare never seems to end! Every day he comes to school, hoping and praying that he will still be, cool. Those around him expect nothing more, than for him to throw a football and date the class you get the picture. Rachel: I never knew Poor Chad Fairy Godmother: Now youve seen the other side of the hill. Get some rest dear, you look as if youve fallen ill. (Rachel climbs into her bed, and the lights dim over her) Fairy Godmother: Thank god thats over! (Walking towards the other side of the stage) Now its time to have some fun. (Two beds are shown next to each other labeled Eddie and Eric. Eddie and Eric asleep in bed. Clock tick ing noise.) Eddie: (Sleeptalk ing) Hello little squirrel! Female Eric: (Sleeptalk ing) Im Chuck Bass. Eddie: Does Mr. Squirrel want a little kiss? Oh yeah youre a chubby squirrel arent you? Female Eric: No Blaire, not until I prove my fathers guilt. Eddie: Wait Mr. Squirrel what are you doing? Female Eric: Blaire stop! Stop! (wakes up) AH! Oh, it was just a dream. Eddie: OW! HEY! Female Eric: Eddie! Eddie: Thats a very bad Mr. Squirrel! Bad! Female Eric: Eddie

Eddie: (whimpering) Stop it! I just want you to let me in! Let me in your heart! Female Eric: (Now shak ing him awak e) EDDIE! Eddie: (Sits up now awak e) Oh gosh, that stupid little squirrel. (Rubs his eyes, now realizing that Female Eric is in his room) Well hello there gorgeous, is it hot in here or is it just you? Female Eric: Uhm What? Eddie: You heard me, mystery woman of the night. Woooo-wee the Easter Bunny came early this year. Female Eric: Either you're still asleep or the concussions are really starting to take effect. Eddie: Hey baby how about go to McDonalds while I head to Burger King. Female Eric: Why would I do that? Eddie: Because then Ill have it my way, and youll be lovin it. Female Eric: Eddie what are you doing!? Gross! Eddie: Have you looked in a mirror lately? I mean, Im no photographer but I could totally picture us together. Female Eric: What are you talking abo - OH MY GOD IM A WOMAN. Eddie: A fine woman! Female Eric: (shock ed and stuttering) Eddie - you have to believe me. Im Eric. Eddie: (quietly examines and ponders this idea then bursts into laughter) youre not only smokin but youre funny too! Female Eric: I dont understand How did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Whats Mackenzie going to think? Eddie: Alright, while you figure that out, Im going to get you a glass of water. Dont miss me too bad. (Wink s and waves sensually)

ODE TO MY BODY (halfway through, female Eddie returns with water)


IM FEELING CRAZY AND DRAMATIC, SPENDING, SHOPPING LIKE A FOOL, ILL PUT UGG BOOTS ON IN THE MORNING, AND STARBUCKS FOR MY DRIVE TO SCHOOL. TAKING SELFIES ON A GOOD DAY, SOCIAL MEDIA ALL DAY LONG, CANT STOP WATCHING SAY YES TO THE DRESS I HAD TO PUT IT IN A SONG I CANT BELIEVE THE DAY HAS COME, THE DOUBLE X CHROMOSOMES FINALLY WON, IM A WOMAN, WHY DOES IT FEEL SO WRONG?

ODE TO MY BODY, GOODBYE OLD FRIEND. YOU WERE THE BEST THING THAT MY MOM HAS EVER HAD, I THINK YOURE GONE NOW, BUT YOULL STILL LIVE ON. ODE TO MY BODY, A NEW BIKINI COULD NEVER LIVE UP TO YOU. NOW IM HAVING MOOD SWINGS, IM SAD THEN ITS GONE. I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE NOTEBOOK, MY DAYS OF BENCHING, THEYRE GONE. IVE GOT A, BAD CASE OF ESTROGEN, APPROACHING MY MIND, IM FEELING POETIC, HEARTFELT, ENOUGH TO MAKE ALL MY WORDS RHYME. I CANT BELIEVE THE DAY HAS COME, THE DOUBLE X CHROMOSOMES FINALLY WON, IM A WOMAN, WHY DOES IT FEEL SO WRONG? ODE TO MY BODY, GOODBYE OLD FRIEND. YOU WERE THE BEST THING THAT MY MOM HAS EVER HAD, I THINK YOURE GONE NOW, BUT YOULL STILL LIVE ON. ODE TO MY BODY, A NEW BIKINI COULD NEVER LIVE UP TO YOU. Female Eddie: Alright babe, heres your water, now drink up. Oh and I brought gloves because otherwise youd be too hot to handle. Female Eric: (Freak ing out because her brother has turned into a woman too) Eddie, dont panic, but Im going to need you to look in the mirror Female Eddie: Noooooooo! Im not even hot! ODE TO MY BODY, GOODBYE OLD FRIEND. YOU WERE THE BEST THING THAT MY MOM HAS EVER HAD, I THINK YOURE GONE NOW, BUT YOULL STILL LIVE ON. ODE TO MY BODY, A NEW BIKINI COULD NEVER LIVE UP TO YOU. Female Eddie: My bra itches

Female Eric: So does mine Female Eddie: I love tumblr? Female Eric: I look fine! Female Eddie: Did you see Jess today? Female: I want her butt. Female Eddie: what are we saying? Female Eric: This is nuts!!! (Fairy godmother pops in and changes them back . Lights flick er off and on.) Eric: (sighs relief) Thank god. Eddie: Goodbye mystery woman, Ill never forget you.

SCENE 6: THE FOLLOWING DAY OF SCHOOL


(Rachel hesitantly walk ing into Creative Writing. She is the last to enter the class.) Mr. Morgan: Hey there girly gator! How was your night? (Rachel ignores him. To himself:) six more years til retirement, Chuck. Six more years. (Rachel walk s up to Chad lik e she is going to say something) Chad: Can I help you? Rachel: I was just - I wanted to say Hazel: (interrupts ) Oh hey Rachel! Hows the poetry going? Eric: OMGosh she is like super good. (silence) Rachel: Fine Hazel: Oh guess what? I dont care. Why dont you go fall into the pool like you did at Mackenzie Balmers in fifth grade? Mackenzie: haha yeah that was so funny! Hazel: (angrily) no one asked you Mackenzie Balmer! (Mack enzie fak e cries) Chad: (clearly annoyed with Mack enzie) What do you want, Rachel? Rachel: Nothing. Nevermind. (Rachel tak es her seat) (Eddie and Eric Enter. Eric moves towards Mack enzie Balmer and k isses her passionately) Eric: Ive been thinking about you all day. Mackenzie: Eric, I Eric: No Im tired of running away from my problems. Im tired of avoiding us. Everyone needs to know

that were together and I love you just the way you are even if you pee your pants! Mackenzie: Oh, Eric! Eric: No dont worry about it. I was wrong all along baby. Chad: what the. Eddie: (lost) Uh Hey Jackie. Jackie: Yeah? Eddie: Hows your day? Jackie: Fine. Eddie: Whats your favorite dog breed. Jackie: Cocker Spaniel. Eddie: How do you feel about 2Chainz? Jackie: I dont know. Eddie: (Pause) Do you have a boyfriend? Jackie: No. Eddie: well you do now! (Eddie sits on Jack ies lap. Jack ie is still straight-faced.) Hazel: Eddie Eric What are you doing? Eric: Its whats on the inside that matters, Hazel. If you all were my real friends you would understand and support me. Chad: Dude thats Mackenzie Balmer. Mackenzie: Whats THAT supposed to mean? Eric: (Puts hand up to Hazel to hush her) Chad, Eddie and I have realized that social rank doesnt really matter to us anymore. Chad: Wait, what? Eric: Weve been bullies since pee wee baseball when we gave Arthur McGrudgeken wedgies on the daily (Arthur walk s by with his head down) and Im ready to expand my horizon to some REAL women. (Sexual gesture towards Mack enzie) Hazel: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Mackenzie: Did it taste like dignity? You should find some if theres any left. Eddie: OHHHH! Mr. Morgan: Alright campers! Lets gather around the CAMPFIRE for todays discussion! (Laughs at himself but no one else does so it fades ) Today our discussion will be involved with (improv, Mr. Morgan. You got diz.)

(Fairy Godmother appears around the corner of the curtain) Fairy Godmother: Time for my master plan! ***WILL BE PRE-RECORDED*** Through telepathy, Rachel and Chad begin to communicate mentally Chad is Rachels body, and Rachel is Chads body. The lines are still separated as Chad and Rachel, but remember that youre actually saying these things from the other body. Chad: Dum da dum, I like football, boobs boobs boobs Im gonna get my ipod out, this lectures dumb... hm started from da bottom now we heya, I can get a mmmm yeah I love this song. Rachel: one day moooore another day another destiny aww yeah here comes Russell Crow we will know their little secrets we will know Chad: I came in a wreckin baaaaaalll. I never hit so haaard in loooove Rachel: the PHAAAAAANTOM of the Opera is theeeeere Wait, Chad? Chad: WHAT? Who is that? Rachel: Chad, its Rachel Why can I hear your thoughts? Chad: Rachel What the? Rachel. Look down. Rachel: Looook DOWN! Loook Down! Dont look them in the eye! Chad: RACHEL! Stop with the Les Mis and look at yourself. Rachel: Why would I look at OH MY SWEET LORD IM YOU. Chad: What?! What is going on!? Rachel: You think I have any idea?! Chad: All I know is we need to sort this out. Both: Mr. Morgan! Mr. Morgan: Yes my little pupils? Both: I have to go to the bathroom. Mr. Morgan: You know I only let one out at a time. Why do you both need to go? Rachel: I have to poop Chad: I have my period. (Look at eachother, change answers.) Rachel: Its an emergency. Mr. Morgan: Oh goodness just dont spill anything.

SCENE 7: THE SWITCH


(Rachel pulls Chad out of the classroom and pins her against a locker)

Chad: Why am I a man? Rachel: Good question, why am I a woman? Chad: What did you do? Rachel: Wait you think I know what happened? (Pause) Great. I can't even sit with Eddie and Eric or hang out with Hazel. Not looking like this. Chad: Excuse you? That is the least of our problems. Rachel: Wait. Do I have to shower like this? Chad: No, no. I'm sure that in the next few hours, we could probably manage to tell someone about this and they would full heartedly believe us and instantly perform some sort of wizard brain surgery. Leaving you to be able to shower in the body that you call home. Rachel: Do you always have to be so condescending? Chad: It's not like I want to shower like this either. Rachel: Please, you'd be lucky to see me full body naked. Chad: (Grossed out) seriously? Rachel: Holdup. When do you have your, your, you know Chad: My what Rachel: (Points to her lower region) You know Chad: I have that every day Rachel: WHEN IS YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH? (Mack enzie Balmer walk s by just as this is being said. She turns and leaves without them noticing.) Chad: Really? Thats your first concern? Rachel: Absolutely! (Panick ing) well, we better sure as hell get this little situation fixed because I AM NOT DEALING WITH THAT. (Fairy godmother poofs onto stage) Godmother: I know a way to fix your predicament. Rachel: What the hell... Chad: Dont worry, she just harasses me in my dreams sometimes. Rachel: me too Are we on drugs? Godmother: (Talking to Rachel WHO IS CHAD) Oh Chad, my dear, thats not what the case is. You and Rachel have temporarily switched places! Rachel: (To chad) does she rhyme everything? Chad: you have no idea. Godmother: Until you can learn to accept each other, this will be your fate. Permanently trapped in each others bodies, theres no room for debate.

Rachel: This is just disturbing. Godmother: Not disturbing, Chad, magic! Rachel: But what about my um I mean her um (hinting at period with body language) Godmother: Spunk and Charisma? Chad: (Think s shes playing dumb ) ohhh yeah, totally. My spunk and charisma... (wink s ) Hey youre magical right? (she nods ) Is there anyway we could just postpone monthly gifts forever? Maybe make them into new books or tuition money? (Blank stare from godmother) You have no idea what Im talking about do you? Godmother: Not a clue. Chad: nevermind. Godmother: Anyways, you will act as one another until you understand how it is to truly be one another like the like the back of your hand! You will continue talking to your friends, etc. oh. And no life meddling. Now you better get to work, because I wont be settling! Rachel: Ugh do we have to? Godmother: (Overly sweet) Yes Chad: Youre serious. Godmother: (Still sweet) yes *improv argument from Rachel and and Chad* Godmother: (Still overly sweet) oh no, the fairy godmother doesn't have time for your complaints. Goodbye now! Learn to truly understand one another! Your normal anatomy awaits! (Rachel and Chad look at one another, terrified. Then look to the audience.)

REPRISE OF OPPOSITE WORLDS


WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS WE WOULD NEVER CLICK. OPPOSITE WORLDS PUZZLE PIECES THAT DONT FIT. THERES NOTHING YOU COULD SAY OR DO, TO FORM A BOND BETWEEN US TWO BECAUSE WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS AND I DONT WANT ANYTHING NEW. YOURE A JOCK WHO SMELLS LIKE A YETI NOT TO MENTION IT SEEMS LIKE YOURE ALWAYS SWEATY YOURE A GEEK WHO WRITES POETRY NO WONDER YOUVE ALWAYS SUCH LOW SELF ESTEEM HEY DONT GO THERE WITH MY WRITING, PUNK. IVE READ YOUR PAPERS AND THEY ALWAYS SOUND LIKE JUNK.

THATS BECAUSE IVE GOT BIGGER FISH TO FRY THEN WRITING SOMETHING EASY TO RUN RIGHT BY WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS WE WOULD NEVER CLICK. OPPOSITE WORLDS PUZZLE PIECES THAT DONT FIT. THERES NOTHING YOU COULD SAY OR DO, TO FORM A BOND BETWEEN US TWO BECAUSE WERE FROM OPPOSITE WORLDS AND I DONT WANT ANYTHING NEW. (Look at eachother, improv argument sounding lik e the opposite gender. Think lik e a man, Rachel! Class is dismissed in the midst of it and everyone is gathering around them just watching. Once they notice everyone around them they try to sound lik e the gender that they seem. Everyone leaves in a crowd.) Rachel: God how embarrassing. Chad: What do you mean? Rachel: Well Im not exactly excited to have the poetry club president inside my body. Chad: Ha! You think Im feeling good about having a dumbbell inside mine? Rachel: Whatever Rachel Chad: Look. Were not about to get anywhere by arguing. Rachel: (hesitant) fine What do you propose we do about this? Chad: Im a little lost myself. (Start walk ing down hall) Well if youre going to be inside my body, I need you to start using advanced vocabulary. Rachel: And if youre going to be inside MY body then well, even the most detailed advice from me couldnt make you cool. Chad: (sarcasm) oh no. Rachel: Forget it. Okay. Do you still have your cell phone? Chad: Why? Should we switch? Rachel: No. Unfortunately, we should probably communicate with each other so we know what to do around family and etc. Chad: Yeah, probably. Rachel: Okay well first off, I I mean, YOU, are hanging with Hazel tonight. (sigh from Chad) SO Im gonna need you to do and say as little as possible. Just like, make out with her I dont know. Chad: WHAT? NO! Rachel: Rachel, come on. Chad: NO no NO NO no NO no NO no no no NO NO NO Rachel: Okay well then just let her sit there and talk about herself the whole time. Girls like to do that,

right? Chad: Girls like HAZEL like to do that. Rachel: Whatever. Just sit and watch a movie the whole time. Pretend you hate chick-flicks, talk about lifting Ya know, the usual. Chad: I guess I can do that. Better than hanging out with Sharon, which by the way, youll be doing tonight. Rachel: Why. I know you hate me but I wouldnt wish that upon anyone. Chad: Sorry, I tried to stay away as long as i could. Rachel: CLEARLY YOU DIDNT TRY HARD ENOUGH. Why do you waste your time with someone like her? Shes obsessed with herself, and always puts you down. Chad: HA! Youre serious right? Coming from the jock whos made my life a living hell since freshman year, and is dating the biggest bimbo of the high school? (Rachel is silent. Chad is now awk wardly flustered) my point exactly. Now, all you have to do is pretend like you actually give a crap about everything shes saying. Just say yeah, right? and oh my god I hate her and no dont say that, youre so pretty and basically your night wont be completely ruined. Rachel: But Chad: Oh no. Im hanging out with Hazel, deal with this. Rachel: But (bell rings and cuts off Rachel) Chad: Im sorry sir but your time is up! I gotta get home. Moms make spaghetti tonight! (Starts walk ing away. Both realize they cant go home) Rachel: Crap. Chad: Where do you live? (Rachel writes it down, improv talk , Chad writes his down.) Rachel: Just ask Eric or Eddie to drive you there. Itll all be good. Eddie: (entering from the side of stage) DUDE! TRILL. Chad: Jesus Christ. Eric: BRO! Did you see Chelsea Wrinklebums skirt today? Chad: Oh dude bro I think everyone saw dawg. (Look s back at Rachel as a cry for help)

SCENE 8: EACHOTHERS HOUSES


(Rachel and Chad arriving at eachothers houses. Chad arrives at his house with Eric and Eddie.) Eddie: Eric, you get the pizza rolls, Chad, grab the box and COD. Its chill time. (start getting comfy in Chads room) Chad: Um, my bad brothas. From anotha motha. I have to chillax with my bae Hazel tonight. Eric: Why are you talking like that?

Chad: Oh, uh I dont know. But I cant hang out. Eric: Hangin with Hazel, eh? Eddie: Man she looked so fine today. Eric: You better get Chad: STOP THATS VILE. (Boys are confused) I mean, trill? (Boys still confused) I think I lost my lipstick I MEAN CHAPSTICK uhhhh its in my room so bye. Eddie: man, are you okay? Chad: Yeah, Im just not feeling very well, could you guys leave? Eric: Well yeah, totally. Chad: Thanks (exits) Eddie: Man if I get sick right now Eric: I dont think hes really sick Maybe hes fighting with Hazel or something. Eddie: Do you think hes mad about our new girls? Eric: (getting defensive) Why would Mackenzie have anything to do with it? My relationship is none of his business (Now lights switch to Rachel and Sharon walk ing into Rachels room) Rachel: This is my room? Daaaaaang, Im clean. Sharon: Yeah, youre a neat freak. But I mean, who cares about that. (sits down on bed) Rachel: Lord help me. (also sits down on bed) Sharon: (break ing the silence) So why were you talking to Chad Damian in the hall today? Rachel: Oh, just about Creative Writing, he needed help. Sharon: Chad Damian wouldnt be caught dead talking to you, I dont believe it. Speaking of creative writing, where are your notes? Ive gotta copy them. I thought you hated each other? Rachel: I dont have all of them My class was interrupted today. Sharon: (laughing) Yeah, I heard about that too. Running out into the hall with Chad too? What gives? Rachel: He just needed help okay? Sharon: I knew it. Rachel: What? Sharon: I knew you liked Chad. Rachel: I dont like Chad (a little cocky) Do I like Chad? Sharon: Well I mean, youve only written in your diary about him since junior high. Rachel: You went through her diary!? I, I mean.. MY diary. Sharon: Yeah, were friends, were supposed to share everything right?

Rachel: I guess Sharon: ANYWAY, I think you like Chad. A lot actually, but I dont think its the best idea. Rachel: Well, if I WERE to like Chad, not saying I do, why wouldnt it be a good idea? Sharon: Because youre Rachel Holland? (Laughing) Rachel: Whats that supposed to mean? Sharon: I mean youre cute, but, like if one of us were to come anywhere near Chad, itd be me. You could like, probably donate blood. Anything over 110 is soooo bad. Rachel: What? Sharon: Chad is looking for a girl thats like, out there hot, not like the, secretly cute sensitive poetry girl like you. I mean youre, cute but theres way more fish in the sea. Rachel: (pissed for Rachel) I think you underestimate me. Who knows, maybe Chad thinks Im cute... (Scene change to Hazel and Chad sitting on couch, awk ward distance between them. Chad needs to look petrified) Hazel: Chad Chad: . yes? Hazel: Why are you shaking? Chad: I dont know Hazel. Hazel: Well stop and come over here I want to snuggle. Chad: (awk wardly whimpering and moving closer) mmhmm. Hazel: Im bored. But in a movie. Chad: Okay Hazel: Legally Blonde please. Chad: Alright. Hazel: Whats wrong with you today? Chad: Im just Im just not feeling like myself. Hazel: Whatever, just put in Legally Blonde. Chad: How about no. Hazel: What did you just say to me? Chad: I said I dont have that one. Hazel: Oh How about the notebook? Im feeling sappy! Chad: Right...where is that movie again? Hazel: (confused) over there babe? Chad: (mock ingly) hahaha, okay babe.

Hazel: Excuse you? Chad: Sorry, Im not feeling like myself today. My minds a little off. Hazel: Well can you at least turn the lights down? Chad: (nervous k nowing whats coming) um sure. (Hazel is on the couch and starts growling and purring in his ear) Chad: What on earth are you doing. Hazel: Youve been a very bad kitty cat! Meeeeeow! Chad: (whines ) what? Hazel: Im cheering you up I know you dig the role playing stuff. Chad: I do? (Scene changes to Rachel and Sharon in Rachels room again. Rachel is bored out of her mind because Sharon has been talk ing forever) Sharon: So basically thats why I could never date Chad. Hes just too like, mainstream for me. Rachel: Oh my gosh are you done? Youre actually done? Sharon: Why wouldnt you date Chad? Rachel: I dont know Maybe Im too smart for him. Plus hes a big deal I guess in the school. Sharon: Yeah true. Maybe if you changed your personality. Rachel: Why would I do that? Sharon: Well then maybe hed actually like you Rachel: (finally exploding with fury at Sharon) Ill have you know that if Chad did like me, which he might, he would like me for who I was! I shouldnt and wouldnt have to change for him, or anyone for that matter! My intelligence and class is beyond anything hes ever had in his relationships! Maybe Im what hes been looking for all along! Chad would never date a self obsessed person like you! Shut up! Sharon: Rachel Rachel: SHUT UP Sharon: Just stop... Rachel: (going crazy) STOP PLEASE NO STOP THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE ALONE Sharon: Wow. Im going to leave, clearly youve lost your head. (Pack s her things and is leaving) Just remember Rachel, your social ranking runs through me. I'm the only one you have. (Leaves room) Rachel: God what a little - (phone rings ) Oh its Rachel Hello? Chad: (lock ed himself in a bathroom) Help me. Rachel: What are you talking about? Chad: Im talking about your psychotic girlfriend! Hazel: Come on, Mr. Kitty! This door cant be my scratching post forever! MMMMMEEEOWWWW!

Rachel: She is not playing Mr. Kitty Chad: Yes she is and Im not even going to ask why you know what this is. Rachel: Nevermind that, what is she doing now? Hazel: Mr. Kitty do you have a hairball? Ill go get my laser pointer for you to chase if you come out Rachel: Good lord, its worse than I thought. Chad: You enjoy this?! Rachel: Nevermind that, just get rid of her. Chad: How? Hazel: THATS IT MR. KITTY! Im getting the squirt bottle because youve been bad. Chad: Umm Hazel I just threw up ohhhh my gosh Im so sick ew its bad its really bad. Hazel: GROOOOSS! Im heading to Michigan State, youre boring tonight. Chad: Okay bye!!! (Throw up sounds ) Rachel: Is she gone? Chad: (opens door) yeah, I think so. Phew, that was a close one.

SCENE 9: THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL (after their intense discussion the night before, the pair feels awk ward when they confront each other
the next day. They meet face-to-face in the hallway while walk ing with their friends. Sharon is with Rachel, while Chad is with Eddie and Eric. Rachel is dressed terribly and Chad is in a sweater vest, since they dressed each other this morning.) Chad: Yes Eddie, for the last time, I heard you. Eddie: Cool hey did I tell you about my high score on Flappy Bird yet? Eric: Youre hopeless. Chad, what are you wearing today? Sharon: So remind me again why you look like you were hit by a tornado? Rachel: Um Just making a statement I guess. Sharon: And yeah, it was the craziest dream Ive ever had, like, I think it mightve been real. So now Im gonna start talking to him. Rachel: Eric is dating Mackenzie, and even though its weird, he really likes her. Hes not just going to leave her for you. Sharon: ha! okay Rachel. Whatever, Ive got this in the bag. (Sees the boys ) speak of the devils! Eric: Hey, Im gonna go find Mackenzie. She got her head gear off today, and Im so excited to see it. Chad: Alright, have a good time with that. Eddie: Im gonna come too Jackie and I have been having a really hard time lately, and we need to have a conversation.

Eric: She doesnt even talk, Eddie Eddie: You just dont understand our relationship. (Both exit) Sharon: Heres my perfect chance to slip in between them! Cya later, Rach! (Goes after them) Chad: (feeling awk ward) Hey Chad. Rachel: (feeling awk ward) Oh, hey. Chad: I didnt even think about warning you how to dress me. Rachel: I think I did a good job! Chad: For a blind person Rachel: Well you dressed me like a dweeb! What kind of person wears that!? Mr. Morgan: (enters with the same outfit as Chad) Lookin spiffy, Mr. Damian! Chad: Thank you! (Smiling with pride. Mr. Morgan exits .) Sorry. Chad: Howd ya sleep? Rachel: Good after our conversation (both turn away) Chad: Well hey, lets work on switching back during free period. Rachel: Sounds like a good idea. Ive been missing my body and bed. Chad: Yeah me too. Rachel: (Eric starts walking back) Oh crap. Here comes Eric, walk away, push me down, call me a name or something Chad: Why would I do that? Rachel: Because Chad Damian wouldnt be caught dead talking to Rachel Holland. Chad: (Obviously hurt) oh, okay Eric: (Sees the conversation occurring and turns around) Rachel: That was a close one. Phew. Chad: Well before we head to class, let me clean that makeup off of you. (They exit)

SCENE 10: THE CONFRONTATION OF EDDIE AND JACKIE


(Eddie is sitting with Jack ie at a table. It starts off very silent.) Eddie: Well do you have anything to say for yourself Jackie? (no response) Well, do you? (no response) What is that supposed to mean? (no response) Oh here we go again. Why do you have to be like that? (no response) What do you mean its not working out between us? (no response) Jackie, I cant help that my brother is more attractive than I am. (no response) You know what? I just think youre bitter. (no response) Why are you bitter? Well because Im cooler than you are! (no response) Yeah! Thats what it is, isnt it? (no response) Jackie, its over. (no response) Speechless, huh? I thought so. (no response) I bet you never thought I would do that. (no response) How about that Jackie? (no response) Jackie? (Jack ie stands up without saying anything and pulls him in for a k iss. Then drops him on the floor and leaves.) Shes a dream, isnt she? (gets up to chase her)

SCENE 11: CHANGE INTERVENTION


(Rachel is reading a book upside down, Chad is doing some sort of drill. Remember - theyve still switched bodies!) Rachel: Shall I compare thee to a summers day Why would I want to do that? I hate the heat. I have overactive sweat glands. Chad:(out of breath) YEAH YOURE TELLING ME Rachel: This stuff is so boring, how do you even enjoy yourself. Chad: Ill have you know that Shakespeare is regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and Englands National poet! Rachel: Whatever. Keep on with your drills we dont have time for this! Chad: But its so hard Rachel: (Slams the book shut) Rachel, how are we ever going to switch back into our real bodies if you arent willing to try? Chad: I am, but - I just. Rachel: What? Chad: I think you might need more help than I do. Rachel: (honestly shocked) Youre kidding, right? Do you know how hard my life is? Chad: No I mean, I guess Rachel: Do you know what its like to be this attractive? How hard it is to clean up the drool constantly pouring all around me? Hazels a HUGE handful and popularity in general. And football - dont get me started. In fact, why dont you run a lap right now? We need to whip you into shape if you ever want to succeed in this social scene. Chad: Yeah, I guess youre right. Im off, coach! (Chad exits. Rachel is still fumbling over words in the book . Fairy Godmother enters) Godmother: Oh chad, this is a sorry sight. Why arent you still trying with all your might? Rachel: Good god, not you again. I cant believe you did this to us. Godmother: Correction: I cant believe I did this to Rachel (Rachill), it seems like you're stuck in your old ways still. Rachel: What are you talking about? Rachels doing a great job Godmother: Youre not listening to what Im saying, you must open your ears. Its you that needs changing more than anyone here. Rachel: Bro, maybe youve gotten one too many concussions like Eddie, but Im definitely trying my hardest. Ive been comparing stuff to summer days all morning. Godmother: First of all, I am not a bro. Im in a freaking gown with a tiara, for bros that is an absolute no. Your hard-headed nature of football and sports needs to be left on the courts. Open your heart to the world you see, and then a better friend youll be.

Rachel: What do you mean, better friend? Im a great friend! (Eric enters ) Eric: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Hey Eric! I mean uhhh hey Eric? Why are you talking to me Rachel whos a girl? Eric: Oh hey Rachel: No Y chromosomes here! Eric: Um. yes? Rachel: (softly hums, I feel lik e a woman) Godmother: Im embarrassed for her. Eric: Rachel, I just wanted to apologize for the way Ive acted towards you over the years. Rachel: Oh I mean it wasnt that bad. Eric: No, it was. Ive tortured you for years and Im really sorry. I guess Im finally realizing that following Chad around might not be the best thing for me anymore. Rachel: Oh come on, Chads a good guy? Eric: Youre kidding right? Chad has made everyones life here a living hell. Including mine. Ive been manipulated into bullying other for years, and thats not the person that I am. I am ready to show my true colors, and thats all because of you and your beautiful poetry. It really woke me up, Rachel. Well, it may have had something to with this weird dream I had where I turned into a girl and so did Eddie and (Mack enzie enters ) Well, thats my cue. Were heading to the pep rally! Mackenzie: Wanna come with Rachel? Rachel: You guys go ahead, Ill be there shortly. (They leave. A sweating Chad enters after running the laps) Chad: Phew, Im beat. But I feel so alive! Like I could conquer a mountain, or take on Eric in a fight. Whats next, Coach? Rachel: I think thats all for today. Chad: What?! How do you expect us to switch back if Im not finishing my get jacked routine? How do you make a protein shake? Rachel: Dont worry about it. Ive got a great idea. Chad: But what about my muscles? My beautiful, defined muscles? Rachel: You sound crazy. Chad: (Doing jumping jack s ) I dont know whats come over me Fitness really is your friend! I just wanna be swoll. Rachel: Rachel, dont worry, youll be back in your normal body in no time, and then you yourself can get swoll. Chad: Fine Ill see you at the pep rally! (High k nees off stage)

Come to your senses: YOURE ON THE AIR, IM UNDER GROUND SIGNALS FADING, CANT BE FOUND I FINALLY OPEN UP FOR YOU I WOULD DO ANYTHING BUT YOU TURNED OFF THE VOLUME JUST WHEN IVE BEGUN TO SING COME TO YOUR SENSES DEFENSES ARE NOT THE WAY TO GO AND YOU KNOW, OR AT LEAST YOU KNEW EVERYTHINGS STRANGE, YOUVE CHANGED, AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO GET THROUGH I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I HAVE TO LAUGH YOU SURE PUT ON A SHOW LOVE IS PASSED IN THIS DAY AND AGE HOW CAN WE EXPECT IT TO GROW?

YOU AS THE KNIGHT ME AS THE QUEEN ALL IVE GOT TONIGHT IS STATIC ON A SCREEN COME TO YOUR SENSES THE FENCES INSIDE ARE NOT FOR REAL
IF WE FEEL AS WE DID, AND I DO CANT YOU RECALL WHEN THIS ALL BEGAN IT WAS ONLY YOU AND ME IT WAS ONLY ME AND YOU BUT NOW THE AIR IS FILLED WITH CONFUSION WE REPLACE CARE WITH ILLUSION ITS COOL TO BE COLD NOTHING LASTS ANYMORE LOVE BECOMES DISPOSABLE THIS IS THE SHAPE OF THINGS WE CANNOT IGNORE COME TO YOUR SENSES SUSPENSE IS FINE IF YOURE JUST AN EMPTY IMAGE EMANATING OUT OF A SCREEN BABY BE REAL, YOU CAN FEEL AGAIN YOU DONT NEED A MUSIC BOX MELODY TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN DEEP IN MY EYES WHAT DO YOU SEE DEEP IN MY SIGHS, LISTEN TO ME

LET THE MUSIC COMMENCE FROM INSIDE NOT ONLY ONE SENSE, BUT USE ALL FIVE COME TO YOUR SENSES COME TO YOUR SENSES COME TO YOUR SENSES COME BACK ALIVE

SCENE 11: PEP RALLY


(Everyone is on the sides of the stage chanting the red arrow fight song) Sidney Anderson: Hello everyone! Welcome to the 2014 Red Arrow Prom Pep Assembly! (Cast claps and cheers loudly) Unfortunately, Im missing my partner in crime, Brett Senneker. Keep him in your thoughts as he travels to Botswana to find the cure for his chronic back pain. Even though Brett is gone, it doesnt mean we wont still have fun! (Someone yells yeah it does, you suck Sidney Anderson!) We are here to commemorate the greatest high school on the face of Lowell! To start the assembly, were going to announce what youve all been waiting to here for weeks. You voted, student council counted, wrote down a different winner because they didnt like the original, and here are your results! Your Prom King is. Chad Damian! (Chad walk s awk wardly onto the stage. Random girls yelling things lik e, youre so hot Chad as he walk s up Keeping in mind this is still Rachel) Chad will now make his acceptance speech! Chad: I will Sidney: Yes you will! Chad: Oh. Sidney: (under breath) Am I the only professional here? Chad: Um hi. (Girls have small fight over him in crowd) Um thank you for voting me in as King of your popularity contest. Im truly honored to know that you appreciate my football home runs, and the fact that you have stereotyped me as an egotistical punk, yet you still elected me to order over this communist high school for this dance, will continue to blow my mind until the day I die. One day, I will look back on this, and smile, because high school was when I hit my peak. Sidney: Wow. That was interesting! Thank you Chad. (Rachel enters) Rachel: psssst, Rachel! Chad: Chad! Did you like my speech? Rachel: sure I did! You may have ruined the hierarchy forever, but thats okay. Here, read this. Chad: Out loud? Rachel: Yes. Chad: Are you serious? I just made you look like an idiot Dont you want me to get off the mic before I make it worse? Rachel: I dont care anymore Rachel. Youve taught me some valuable lessons, and I cant thank you enough for it. Ill take the heat from Hazel and the guys, dont worry. This will make everything the way it should be. Chad: Alright, if you insist.

Sidney: Can we break this up? Were in front of the entire school, and Ive got a job to do. Chad: Yeah I just Sidney: No, you wont ruin this for me, you little punk. (Facing the audience) Thank you Mr. Chad Damian! Enjoy your crown! Chad: Wait! Ive got something else to say! Sidney: Ohhhhh no ya dont! Chad: (Tak es out paper) Dear my fellow classmates, Id like to take this time to apologize for the way Ive acted previously. Sidney: Thats it, Im joining the LPAC crew. (exits ) Chad: Ive realized now the true consequences of my actions, and that what Ive done for the last four years of high school is awful. Ive judged and stereotyped based on things that I dont fully understand myself. Recently, I was able to see life from a different standpoint. I traded places for a day, just to see myself from the outside looking in. I hate who Ive become, and Id like to give my sincerest apology to everyone around me, from the bottom of my heart. To you Arthur, Im sorry for those wedgies in pee wee baseball. Carter, Im sorry for breaking Mrs. Hendersons lamp in junior high and blaming you. Jamie, Im sorry that I backed over your foot with my car and gave your toe to the creepy janitor. Lauren, Im sorry I flushed your retainer down the boys bathroom toilet. Im sorry for anything Ive ever done in my past thats upset or hurt any of you in any way. I promise to work to change my selfish, cruel ways. But most importantly, Id like to give the warmest most loving apology to Rachel Holland. Rachel, your writing is beautiful. Ive mocked you over the years because Ive always thought your intelligence was intimidating, and your confidence in yourself was something that I desired so deeply. Youre a beautiful and talented young woman, and I will never be able to say Im sorry enough. Thank you. (Silence for a moment, then long, loud cheer from school) Hazel: (Storms up to him as he walk s off of center stage) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOURE DOING!? Chad: Hazel Hazel: YOUVE RUINED EVERYTHING! WE HAD A DEAL! Chad: Hazel I just read the Fairy Godmother: (Hazel throws hand to slap him but stopped right before when FG yells freeze. Entire ensemble onstage freezes.) FREEZE! God these little punks, geez. (Slaps Hazels hand down) Rachel: Fairy Godmother! Are you switching us back?! Fairy Godmother: Oh yes, Chad, youve learned your lesson. And now to switch back to the body youre best in! Chad: Really!? Fairy Godmother: Congratulations on finding your true selves, the message has been received. Now to switch back to your normal bodies. (switch back ) aha! Youve been retrieved. Chad: (ecstatic ) No more emotional problems! Rachel: (ecstatic) no more testosterone imbalance! Chad: Thank you Fairy Godmother. Fairy Godmother: Please, call me Nancy.

Rachel: A little too late for that, but okay. (They all hug. Fairy Godmother exits ) Fairy Godmother: Im leaving now, I must descend! Theres more high schools like yours that I need to attend. (everyone unfreezes) Hazel: Youd better fix this mess that you caused before I Chad: Before you what? Blackmail me with my secret love of literature? Rachel: You like reading? Hazel: He reads constantly. Its his geekiest attribute. Just wait til everyone else finds out! Rachel: For your information Hazel, I LIKE that he reads. Eric: Me too! Mackenzie: Me three! Eddie: I like to breathe too! Eric: Read, Eddie. Hazel: Youre all crazy! Rachel: No, YOURE the crazy one. How about we let everyone in on YOUR dirty little secret. Hazel: You wouldnt dare. Mackenzie: Maybe she wouldnt, but I sure would. Hazel: no Mackenzie: When we were in fifth grade, Hazel was the one who peed her pants. (Whole crowd gasps) Hazel: Stop! Rachel: Its true! We always promised that we would blame it on Mackenzie so Hazel could keep her image. Mackenzie: I was never the notorious pee-er. It was always her. To think I took the heat for someone has heartless as Hazel Kensington. Eric: You did that for her? Thats so sweet. Hazel: MY LIFE IS OVER! (Storms offstage) **improv apologies amongst the group** Chad: Hey Rachel Rachel: Oh hey Chad That speech was very sweet. Chad: Thanks, I meant everything I said, I promise! (Silence) Hey Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Chad: Are you doing anything tonight? Rachel: No why?

DINER DATE FINALE


LET ME COME AND TAKE YOU ON A DATE, I PROMISE I WILL TAKE YOUR CARES AWAY, IT WONT MATTER WHAT WE DO, CAUSE BABY I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU, WITH YOU -SO BABY PICTURE THIS, ILL PICK YOU UP AROUND EIGHT, DONT WORRY ILL NEVER BE LATE, CAUSE THIS NIGHT IS ABOUT YOU, ILL HAVE YOU HOME BY YOUR CURFEW. HOW DOES ITALIAN SOUND? AND THEN A GRAND NIGHT ON THE TOWN? BABY ILL LEAVE IT UP TO YOU, JUST LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. SO TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE. I REALLY CARE, WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU, BE WITH YOU -LET ME COME AND TAKE YOU ON A DATE, I PROMISE I WILL TAKE YOUR CARES AWAY, IT WONT MATTER WHAT WE DO, CAUSE BABY I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU, WITH YOU -LET ME GET THE DOOR, CAUSE THATS WHAT GENTLEMEN ARE FOR, HERES TICKETS TO A BROADWAY SHOW, YOU KNOW I GOT THEM, AND THEYRE FRONT ROW. AND DID I TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL, IN THE MOONLIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT. SO TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE, I REALLY CANT WAIT TO GET TO KNOW YOU, BE WITH YOU -LET ME COME AND TAKE YOU ON A DATE, I PROMISE I WILL TAKE YOUR CARES AWAY, IT WONT MATTER WHAT WE DO, CAUSE BABY I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU, WITH YOU -Chad: Hey Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Chad: Todays one of the best days of my life, and uh I was just wondering if I could give you a kiss?

Rachel: Of course you can! GUITAR BREAK LET ME COME AND TAKE YOU ON A DATE, I PROMISE I WILL TAKE YOUR CARES AWAY, IT WONT MATTER WHAT WE DO, CAUSE BABY I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU, WITH YOU -LET ME COME AND TAKE YOU ON A DATE, I PROMISE I WILL TAKE YOUR CARES AWAY, IT WONT MATTER WHAT WE DO, CAUSE BABY I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU, WITH YOU -SO BABY PICTURE THIS!

THE END